November 26, 2025 • 49 mins
Are you a parent struggling with the painful reality of your adult children creating distance, setting firm boundaries, or even cutting you off? This episode tackles the confusing and often hurtful dynamic of strained parent-adult child relationships. Hosts Brad and Kate explore why the younger generation is increasingly setting boundaries, leaving parents feeling bewildered and asking, "What did I do wrong?"
They challenge the traditional expectation that children owe their parents a relationship, arguing that the healthy, biblical model is for the parent to initiate pursuit and repair. Learn why your experience of the past could end up invalidating your child's hurt, how to move from defensiveness to curiosity, and the crucial first step to take when a boundary is set.
If you're ready to understand the pressure your children feel, process your own hurt, and take practical steps toward healing and reconciliation, this conversation provides a roadmap to rebuild trust and foster a healthier connection for the future.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
Kate Aldrich (00:33):
Yeah, welcome back.
Brad Aldrich (00:36):
How are you guys today?
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
How are we today?
Oh.
I didn't know if that was forall of us.
No.
How are we today?
I'm tired.
How are you today?
Brad Aldrich (00:47):
You know, actually, I'm doing alright this
morning.
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (00:51):
I'm tired.
I mean, I'm just tired.
My um older brother got marriedthis weekend, and Brad and I
were there, and it was amazingand fun to celebrate with them.
Um but I also did thephotography, so we were there
from like early.
And then yeah.
Brad Aldrich (01:08):
This is a hidden talent that not everyone on our
podcast knows about Kate.
Kate Aldrich (01:11):
A hidden talent.
Brad Aldrich (01:13):
Well, not very hidden.
She is actually a really greatprofessional photographer.
Kate Aldrich (01:18):
And but it's not what I do full-time.
Brad Aldrich (01:21):
Not what she does full-time anymore.
And forever.
Well, you did it a lot for along a lot.
Kate Aldrich (01:27):
For a number of years, I did it definitely
part-time.
Brad Aldrich (01:31):
But and she uh actually is really, really
talented.
And so then people who knowthat she can do it, you know,
beg her and plead her to dotheir family photos or or uh
you're you're you're very kind.
Kate Aldrich (01:46):
You're overstating it maybe a little bit.
And no, I'm glad my brother,obviously, family and close
friends.
I I still do I would doanything for those people, and
I'm glad that he asked.
So it was a fun day for sure.
Um, but I think then it led tolike just tired.
Brad Aldrich (02:03):
Oh, it's tiring.
I mean, you spent literally allthe time.
I'm middle aged.
This is like like editing andall that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (02:09):
So I did because I wanted to get it done and I
wanted to also get them to them.
So, but it was a good weekend.
I'm just a little tired, and ofcourse, um, yeah.
So, but we're here.
We're here, guys.
We're here.
We're here, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (02:24):
So our topic that we kind of talked about uh, you
know, several weeks ago, we putout a holiday guide uh around
what do we do with familygatherings and how do we do
those well.
And we talked about doing themwith integrity to ourselves, but
also putting up some boundariesand being able to communicate
(02:46):
some of those boundaries.
And you know, we have clientsof ours, and we have certainly
in social media you see all thetime the opposite side of this
of people who have adultchildren who have either totally
(03:08):
cut them out of their lives, ormore often, I think, you know,
significantly reduced contactwith them.
And I think they're often inthe place of going, I don't
understand what happened.
Yeah, actually, I I had aclient of mine earlier this week
kind of saying, like, thiswasn't an option when I was
(03:30):
growing up.
You just, you know, talk toyour family that you just did
with your family.
It it was just what you did.
I don't understand why somebodywould be choosing something
different now.
Kate Aldrich (03:43):
Well, and you bring up a really good point,
and I don't I don't want to gotoo far down that road, but like
we do see naturally insocieties where we will swing
all one way, and then people gettired and exhausted of that,
and we start to see thechallenges with that.
(04:04):
And I and I do think some ofthat has come out of women
giving women their voice, likeall of these things, but also
then I think mental healthvoices, like all the things that
when we were kids, like no onewas talking about in school.
And yet I know through our kidswho are now all as of last
week, adults, adult in age, um,still one in high school, but
(04:29):
like that that was just so muchmore talked about and expressed
for them.
So we're over on this side ofthe pendulum, which is good.
People need to be able to dothat.
Brad Aldrich (04:40):
People are understanding their mental
health and understanding wherethey need boundaries and they
feel like they have the abilityto have a voice, even if it is
hurting somebody who they docare about like a parent.
Kate Aldrich (04:53):
Right, right.
Well, it yes, and so like I dowant to honor both extremes are
not great, right?
Like we want to honor, like,but this extreme came about
because there was this extremeat some point.
Like, so I don't want us aswe're having this conversation
to come off like you know,releasing your voice, then it's
(05:17):
okay to say whatever, or it'sokay to do whatever.
Right.
But I do think what thissubject brings up, which I've
been seeing the rise of it onsocial media, we've had clients
talking about it, um, of more ofthe parental role.
So it would be us saying, Whyare my kids putting distance?
(05:38):
Why do they not want to come toholidays?
What is going on?
But I think as you and I havegrown and changed, like, and of
course, Dan Alender's principal,like, can we be curious about
it?
Can we can we instead of likethat's just wrong, that you
should honor your parents, likeall of that?
(05:59):
Can we be curious about whyit's happening?
Brad Aldrich (06:03):
I I think we actually need to start there in
talking through that curiositybecause I think so often the
first question I get is howcould they do this to me?
What or why why would you everdone this?
Yeah, what have I done todeserve this?
Right?
Like, don't they owe mesomething of loyalty or you
(06:24):
know, all this for all thethings I did for them?
Why is it that I'm now gettingcut out of their lives?
Kate Aldrich (06:32):
I think just uh just your one comment there.
Don't they owe me something?
Yeah, I would just love you tostop and be curious about that.
If you feel like becoming aparent was about being, you
know, receiving something orgetting something back.
(06:54):
I'd just love to know wherethat comes from.
Of course, in parenting, thereis a very natural, right?
Like we take care of ourchildren, we get to see them
experience life, grow, gothrough challenges, go through
happy things.
And so we are often what theycome back to as they're going
(07:15):
out.
So, like, I do understand someof that, but parenting is
selfless, and it is But isn'tthat supposed to stop when
they're 18?
Brad Aldrich (07:27):
And aren't they supposed to give back to us
then?
I'm being devil's advocate, ofcourse.
Kate Aldrich (07:33):
But like I live with you, I know what you are.
Brad Aldrich (07:36):
But I I think that's kind of this attitude.
I gave to them, I supportedthem, I helped them all through
their childhood.
Why can't they now, you know,just come around on
Thanksgiving?
Why can't they bring their letme hang around with their
grandkids?
Kate Aldrich (07:55):
You know, it's a great question that needs some
curiosity, right?
And and the challenge is, youknow, we believe the way God
designed family, there is thishierarchy for a lack of better
terms.
And so it really comes parentdown.
Brad Aldrich (08:13):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (08:14):
Right?
It doesn't go child up.
And when we're expecting childup, we're gonna be disappointed
because we're not as parents,and and you and I both right now
are both children because weboth each still have a parent,
and we are parents to our fourkids.
So, like with our parents, itis their job to pursue us.
(08:39):
We use the word pursue, andthat's pursue in all kinds of
ways, pursue in checking in,pursue in how's life going.
Is there anything as yourparent at this stage of life
that I can do or be helpfulwith?
If not, that's okay, right?
And then and then for us, theother way it, you know, it's our
(08:59):
job to check in with our fourkiddos.
They can check in anytime theywant, right?
This doesn't mean that kidscan't reach out, go up if they
want to.
It's just not expected.
Brad Aldrich (09:13):
It's not their responsibility.
Kate Aldrich (09:16):
Correct.
It's ours as the parent.
Brad Aldrich (09:18):
Just saying that is a shift.
Like, I think it's a it'sexactly felt like it is the
child's responsibility to callthe parent.
It's the child's responsibilityto reach out to mom and dad.
I think that's been theprinciple for a really long
time.
And that just simply is one ofthe things that's changing is
(09:41):
hey, wait a minute, why is itthat we're expecting the one
with a really busy schedule withit, whether it be college
schedule or little kids scheduleor whatever?
Whatever it is.
Why are we expecting they'rethe ones to create the time and
reach out?
Yes, there are times like ifyou call, if you reach out, they
(10:03):
may not be available.
Sure.
It's okay.
Yeah, right?
Like, but just saying, hey, Iwanted to reach out, hope you're
doing okay, hope you're havinga great day, would love to
connect when you have a chance.
Like that, that is stillreaching out and connecting.
Right.
Then it's not the guilt tripof, and I haven't seen you for a
while, we haven't had a chanceto talk in a while.
(10:25):
Like that now is saying tothem, you have to take care of
my needs.
Kate Aldrich (10:31):
You know, yes.
And I want to go back to whatyou said with your devil's
advocate of like once we turn18, doesn't it change?
I will say, like, my experiencewith my family growing up, I
remember my mom always saying,my mom more than my dad, but my
mom saying to my grandmothers,because I had two, call me
anytime.
Like I'm busy with the kids,like I'd love to chat, but call
(10:54):
me.
Yeah.
And there was sort of thistension that I recognized, and I
don't know with you, becauseyour your grandparents were all
not local.
Mine were to where we grew up.
And and my mom just saying,like, call me, it's fine, but I
don't always think, nor do Ihave the, you know, like I'm
focusing on getting all the kidsdifferent places and whatever.
(11:17):
And it does seem to switch.
Like, cause I often, and I'llbe a little vulnerable here.
I doubt my mom is gonna end uplistening to this.
Um, but she seems to haveswitched.
And I'm like, when did thathappen?
And there are times I'vereminded her, hey, remember you
used to tell Mom and Nan, like,please just call me.
(11:37):
And that's what I find myselfhaving to say to my mom
sometimes of like, please justcall me.
I just, it's not on my radarbecause I've got many more
things on your radar.
Yeah, this year we'rereadjusting and it's different.
But I'm talking about, youknow, the past 10 years of our
lives, it has seemed to haveshifted some.
And so I know you and I havesaid, let's be aware of that.
(12:00):
Yes.
Right?
Let's be aware.
Brad Aldrich (12:03):
So I think what you're talking about is the the
on the nice side, there is justa functional thing of like, hey,
don't assume that the fact thatthey're busy means they don't
want to talk to you.
That parents, you can reach outand doing that and saying, hey,
(12:24):
just been thinking about you.
Hope you're having a great day,you know, and and you being
that reaching out.
But I want to tagline on thatof the whose needs are being
met.
Because I think I hear whenyou're reaching out.
When you're reaching out, Ithink I hear often from young
people that it's the opposite.
(12:44):
It's it feels like I have tomeet my parents' needs.
They're not there trying to,you know, see how I'm doing,
they're not there, like, butreally it's them wanting me to
take care of them.
And that just feels reallyheavy.
Kate Aldrich (13:05):
I can see why.
And yeah, if that is anoverarching feeling, like again,
curiosity.
And this is this is the hardpart that I think, and I want
all the parents out there tohear this, hear it as a parent.
If your kiddo is puttingdistance or whatever it looks
(13:29):
like, it doesn't look like whatyou would hope it would look
like.
Number one, we have to becurious about our expectations.
Where do they come from?
Brad Aldrich (13:35):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (13:36):
You and I anticipate our kids being all
over the country, potentiallyall over the world, right?
I we've never set anexpectation that they should all
live locally, but I know a lotof families who put that on
their kids.
Correct.
Right.
And so, and I'm not sayingwe've done everything perfect,
but we adopted a kiddo fromAfrica.
So we've never really thoughtthat our kids would potentially
(13:58):
mean they all can be close ifthey want to, but we've just
kind of said that.
So, like being curious aboutwhere does that expectation come
from?
And then I think the thingthat's hardest is to open up
curious conversations with yourkids and be willing to actually
have them.
Brad Aldrich (14:13):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (14:14):
Um, I don't like having them.
I'll be the first to admit whowho wants to hear they did
something not great as a parent.
But to say, hey, I I see itfeels like there is distance.
Can I I'm and you've got tocome in with no pressure, but
like openness of I want tounderstand.
(14:34):
How can I understand from thepast where that came from that
you feel that pressure?
And how can I do it differentlyin the future so that you at
least feel the freedom to comewhenever that's you know,
whenever.
Brad Aldrich (14:51):
So you're talking about even the parents being
willing not to just address thecurrent situations, but parents
being willing to go back withtheir adult children to discuss
things in the past that maybehave impacted their
relationship.
Kate Aldrich (15:13):
I think so.
I know that's hard.
Brad Aldrich (15:16):
It is incredibly hard.
And we've had theseconversations with many of our
adult children of being able tosit with them and hear and and
walk through hard things becausewe certainly weren't perfect
parents by any means.
And you know, it is incrediblydifficult, but I come back to
all the time.
I love and care about my kidsenough that I'm willing to hear
(15:40):
the difficult things because Iwant to do that repair.
I want to do that.
And I've heard so many of myclients who've gone back to
parents and said, hey, thisthing happened, and what they
hit is a stone wall of maybe,maybe recognition of like, yeah,
(16:00):
that happened.
So, or even worse, I thinksometimes the stone wall of you
know, you don't really know whatyou're talking about.
Kate Aldrich (16:10):
Hmm.
Yeah.
And I think if your kiddo iscoming to you with a
circumstance, this is theformula I kind of talk to my
clients about.
Because I have met with clientsof this, and like I've had to
live it out in my own life.
The formula is if your kid iscoming and sharing something
about the past and isvulnerable, your reaction of it
(16:32):
didn't happen that way isnormal.
Sure.
But that's not the place youexpress it with your kiddo,
right?
However, they experienced anevent in their childhood, his is
how they experienced it.
As Dan Allener says, detailsand facts don't matter when harm
and hurt has happened.
Brad Aldrich (16:52):
So man, details and facts don't matter when harm
and hurt has happened.
Exactly.
Or intent.
Kate Aldrich (16:59):
Intent doesn't matter to you.
Brad Aldrich (17:01):
Intent doesn't matter, right?
That that is so hard, but it'sso true because you know, I've
heard stories where you can tellthat the parents' intent was
correction, was even care, butwhat ended up happening was just
(17:22):
immense hurt.
Sure.
Right.
And so, like I heard a storyrecently, I can be very vague in
this one.
I heard a story recently wheresomething bad happened to mom
and the child, and the mom'sresponse, I think we can all
understand, was to get the kidinto a safe place, who then
(17:46):
immediately, like another familymember, who then immediately
put the kid to bed.
And then, you know, the kidwoke up the next day not really
even sure where they were, whatwas happening.
Gotcha.
Like, you know, in just thedisillusion.
We can see that that mom'sresponse was one of care, right?
(18:08):
I I want I'm gonna try to dowhat's best for my kid and get
them into a safe place.
Yeah.
But what ended up happening waseven more confusion, even more
fear, even more doubt, likebecause the kid didn't know what
was gonna happen to mom or whatwould happen to mom.
And you know, so there's all ofthat wounded that then happened
(18:30):
the next day.
So it it really wasn't about,you know, and if they go back
and talk to their mom about it,they would say something like,
Oh, but I just wanted to takecare of you.
Yes, of course you did.
That was the intent, but theharm still happened, and you
know, really being able to holdthe fact that harm happened that
(18:51):
you did not intend for it tohappen.
That's the hard thing as aparent.
Yeah.
Because every I think mostparents, every parent wants to
prevent harm from happening, andso then when we hear it, we get
really sad.
We get then defensive of like,but you didn't see all the
things I tried.
(19:12):
And I think that ends upundermining our attempt to
actually repair.
Kate Aldrich (19:20):
Yeah, it's fighting that initial reaction
and keeping it in for a littlebit, right?
Listening well, tell me aboutit.
Tell me about what that waslike for you.
And and then it's saying, okay,is there something I need to do
different in the future?
Because sometimes these thingsare just really hurtful, harmful
(19:44):
things that happened when theywere kids, and it's not still
going on, but they're stillcarrying it.
Sometimes they speak to themesthat are ongoing kind of
situations, correct.
Brad Aldrich (19:55):
But I, you know, just to get back to our overall
principle, you're saying, and Ithink correctly saying that
sometimes the reason why adultkids don't want to come around
or don't want to bring theirgrandkids around is because
there is unhealed hurts from thepast that maybe they've tried
to talk to you about and havefelt stonewalled.
Kate Aldrich (20:20):
Or, or, and maybe they haven't tried to talk to
you about it, right?
And that may feel like aninjustice for you as a parent,
but I would say it's our jobs tocultivate a space where they
can talk to us.
It's our job to not onlycultivate a space, but also keep
asking or keep saying, like,hey, if you ever need to process
something with us from yourchildhood that we didn't do
(20:41):
well, we are here, we want tohear it, right?
And and so, like, trying toopen that up so that they feel
like they can.
Brad Aldrich (20:52):
So you I think those words are really
important.
You're saying we should go backto adult children and say, Hey,
if there's anything that ispreventing us from having a
relationship right now thathappened in the past and you
want to talk about it, I'm readyto listen.
Kate Aldrich (21:13):
Yeah.
I think every adult parentshould do it because your kiddos
need the invite, right?
Like, and maybe you've, youknow, cultivated a lot of talk
in your family, but that doesn'tmean we're necessarily
comfortable talking about reallyhard things or places we've
harmed each other or haven'tdone well.
(21:34):
So I think doing the invite iscrucial.
Yeah, right.
Um, and I think it's crucialbecause life stages stages are
going to change.
Our kids, most likely out offour of them, are gonna have
some partners in life.
Um, and there may be thingsthey want to talk about then,
right?
Like they're just opening thatup is necessary and not just
(21:59):
assuming that you've doneeverything perfectly or or
avoiding talking about thethings you haven't done
perfectly.
Brad Aldrich (22:09):
So the two things that we've pulled out so far is
one, it's it is the adult'sresponsibility to reach out to
the adult children and tonavigating that and to be doing
that in care, not in how are youtaking care of me.
Right.
So watching the guilt trip ofhow you're taking care of me.
(22:30):
The other is being willing andable to deal with real hurts
from the past that your kids maybe processing, whether it be in
therapy or somewhere, andtrying to help them to un you
know to deal with that.
So, in addition to those, whatare the things that are keeping
(22:58):
kids or you know, areencouraging, I think, adult kids
to putting up boundaries withtheir parents and what should
the parents do about it?
Kate Aldrich (23:10):
So, wait, your question is what is encouraging
them to put up boundaries?
Where are they getting thatfrom?
Brad Aldrich (23:17):
Where are they why are they getting why are they
doing it?
Not even just what'sencouraging, like what's making
it so that they feel like theyhave to.
Kate Aldrich (23:24):
Sure.
I mean, I think boundaries isanother pendulum we could talk
about.
Like that that has definitelyhappened over the years, but I
think the reason people feellike boundaries is the right
next step is because you're notapproachable to talk to about
it.
Brad Aldrich (23:41):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (23:42):
I I'm or approachable to talk to about
it, or the difference in yourkid, like you're trying to fit
all of your kids into one box,and we have to all be together
on the holiday, and theyeverybody has to like doing
this, and everybody has toright.
Brad Aldrich (24:00):
Well, I think it even keeps keep going, keep
going, because I think it getsdeeper a lot of times.
We all have to believe the samethings, we all have to vote the
same way, we all have to thinkthe same things about what's
going on in the news, we allhave to, you know, think the
same things about church, and wehave to have the same you know,
level of values and and thatkind of stuff as well.
Kate Aldrich (24:22):
Okay, yeah, for sure.
Instead of like, what can thislook like?
Yeah, what I mean, I think itwould be fantastic if our kids
could all get together at somepoint as they grow older, but I
also don't know where they'regonna be.
And if we do all get together,there is a space of like, can we
(24:43):
all honor where everyone is at?
Brad Aldrich (24:45):
Right.
Can we all look different andbe okay with that?
Kate Aldrich (24:49):
Well, we all look different.
Can we go beyond that?
We all believe potentiallydifferently.
Would it be nice to have all ofmy kids believe the way I
believe?
I don't know.
But I don't know why why wouldI need that?
Brad Aldrich (25:03):
Well, I think that is a fundamental difference
where we've done some work onourselves that we have said,
hey, uh, you know, it's okay ifour kids grow out in different
ways and you know come tounderstand things differently
than we do.
I think a lot of people thatcreates fear, right?
It is this fear that says ifthey don't believe this, then
(25:28):
sure they're not saved, thenthey're gonna be wrong.
And and that extends, Ibelieve, I've seen often much
more than just um simple, dothey believe in Jesus or not?
Like I if they don't do it inthis way, if they don't live it
out in this way, if they don'tbelieve this group of people is
(25:50):
bad, if they don't like uhthere's so many things where I
think our beliefs are veryingrained right now that when we
see somebody out of group, outof that ingrained belief, we go,
I don't know how to have be inrelationship with them.
(26:10):
And this actually hits bothsides, right?
And I I would encouragefamilies to just be okay with we
can believe differently.
Kate Aldrich (26:22):
Amen.
Brad Aldrich (26:24):
But so many people, and I've worked with
people who are like, my parents'beliefs are directly impacting
my life, and I can't toleratethat anymore.
So I need to stand up againsttheir negative beliefs, and I've
heard parents go, the way mykids are living is directly
(26:47):
against my political orreligious beliefs, and so I
can't tolerate that anymore.
And they get to the place wherethe belief is above
relationship, yeah, and andthat's sad to me.
Kate Aldrich (27:04):
I mean, I think there are reasons, I think there
are curiosities.
I I don't want to soundjudgmental, but it's sad to me
because I don't think we sawJesus break relationship with
anybody.
I mean, he was really he wasreally like angry at the
(27:24):
Pharisees and the Sadducees, butwe don't see him not uh
interact with them.
He is often calling them out.
Um, and and even Judas, like heknew what he was about to do.
Brad Aldrich (27:38):
And I mean, people use this cliche, but he washed
his feet, like he he stillincluded him, he could have
broken relationship with him andsaid, I know what you're about
to do, get out, like no, the theonly one that I can think of,
and he's still Jesus still wasin relationship with him, was
the person that we title inscriptures the rich young ruler,
(27:59):
who Jesus interacted with, oractually he came up to Jesus and
he said, You know, what do Ineed to do to you know achieve
the kingdom of heaven?
What do I need to do to be thebest?
And Jesus answer, relativelysimple answer, was follow the
Ten Commandments.
And look, if if you know alittle bit about faith and you
(28:22):
read those Ten Commandments, youknow, like there's some really
hard stuff in there.
Some of them is easy.
I haven't murdered anybody,right?
Okay, check.
I got that.
Kate Aldrich (28:31):
But but Jesus changes that because he says if
you murder someone in yourheart, right?
Brad Aldrich (28:36):
Right?
Like, but even beyond that,like, you know, there are ones
that are really difficult andare should be life-changing.
And the rich young ruler'sanswer to Jesus is, oh, I've
done all of that since I'myoung, which is arrogant and
totally not introspective,right?
(28:57):
He's he is saying, I don't evenunderstand myself well enough.
I've just seen the checklistand sure I can do the checklist.
Kate Aldrich (29:04):
Understand you, Jesus.
Brad Aldrich (29:07):
So Jesus's then response is like directly
challenging, and I think kind ofa little like get away from me
of like, okay, fine, go selleverything you own, and then you
will be justified, right?
And because he knew like thisperson wasn't about to do that,
and it I think it was a placewhere Jesus was like rolling his
(29:29):
eyes a little bit at thisperson, but in general, like I
agree to insert eye roll inserteye roll by Brad, though, but by
Brad, not I but I agree withyou, and I think this is an
important principle, like,because I do we work with a lot
of Christian parents who arevery worried about their kids
(29:53):
who have gone off into differentavenues of things, aren't
living the way they had hoped.
Aren't walking in the way theywould like.
Kate Aldrich (30:02):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (30:03):
And have cut off relationship with them and said,
no, I'm not going to honor thechoices that they've made
because I think those make thosechoices are bad.
And I just come back to youknow every one of those
scriptures that shows me Jesuswas happy to have dinner with
(30:23):
people.
He was happy to sit in and bewith people who were not walking
the way that he would want themto.
So why is it that we have tocut off relationship in order to
show them that they're beingbad?
Like that just doesn't make anysense to me.
Kate Aldrich (30:41):
And Jesus did the exact opposite.
Jesus chose to always pursuethe relationship over the sin,
over what else was going on intheir lives.
He chose the relationship.
Brad Aldrich (30:53):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (30:54):
Isn't that how we got a savior?
Brad Aldrich (30:56):
I exactly.
Kate Aldrich (30:57):
He chose the relationship over the sin.
Brad Aldrich (31:00):
So I so like I would really challenge Christian
parents.
Kate Aldrich (31:04):
And I'm not even saying everything's sin by any
means.
Brad Aldrich (31:06):
Oh, exactly.
But but Christian parents whoare going, I can't be in
relationship with my kid becauseliving this way.
And I can't be in relationshipwith my kid's partner because I
disagree with the choices thatthey're making.
They're living together,they're you know homosexual,
they're whatever you want tothrow in there, you know, saying
I'm saying I can't be inrelationship with them because I
(31:32):
don't think that you'refollowing Jesus.
I I mean I'll just be blunt.
I don't think you're followingJesus.
You think you're bringing themto Jesus by cutting somebody
out, you're wrong.
Kate Aldrich (31:44):
Because it's not absolutely, because it's not
what Jesus did.
He pursued the relationship.
Brad Aldrich (31:49):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (31:50):
No matter what.
Brad Aldrich (31:51):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (31:52):
And you need to too.
I mean, we're gonna be stronghere, but like if if your child
is pulling away from you, youare the one who should be
pursuing and asking thequestions.
Your kiddo shouldn't have tocome to you.
Although if you've given theinvite come to me anytime, then
(32:12):
they can.
But if you notice something,that's attunement.
If you notice something's offin your relationship,
something's off with your childin general, it's the ask of
like, hey, tell me what's goingon, right?
Also the freedom to say, like,and we've told our kids at
times, like, you don't have totell us, but we wanted you to
(32:34):
know we notice and we're here.
Right.
And so it's the invite, it itdoesn't, it shouldn't then turn
into, because I want to becautious that it doesn't turn
into, well, I've asked you, nowyou have to tell me.
No, like that's not right.
Some things may be just yourkiddo says thanks for noticing,
(32:54):
but it's you know, somethingbetween me and my spouse, and I
don't want to share, or fine,whatever it may be, or I'm not
ready to share yet.
Like it could be lots ofthings, but the attunement says
you matter and I recognizesomething is wrong.
Brad Aldrich (33:09):
Yeah, and really we want parents to be the safe
place.
It doesn't matter if your kidsare 18 or 35.
Absolutely to be the safe placethat is not demanding, is not
creating more tension, is notcreating more expectations, but
(33:31):
is being the safe place thatthey can come to when they're
ready.
Kate Aldrich (33:36):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (33:37):
And I think all too often what I hear is that
it's shifted.
It's why can't my kids meet myneeds?
Why can't my kids now, youknow, make me happy?
I want to be with thegrandkids, so why can't my kids
do that?
Why want to, you know, and justflipping the script so that the
(33:59):
kids are responsible for takingcare of you?
And I would say this is wherewe need more community and more
relationships, more people inour lives because it is not your
kids' responsibility to takecare of you.
Kate Aldrich (34:15):
And I would I would put, I mean, there's so
many, so much in this subject,but I would put a little side
note in there.
You're why can't I spend timewith my grandkids?
We don't have any yet.
So I do honor there arecomplexities there.
Your kids are gonna raise theirkids the way they see best.
And you may not always agreewith that.
(34:36):
It's your job to support themin what they've chosen.
Brad Aldrich (34:41):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (34:41):
Obviously, unless they're doing something heinous
or wrong.
It's not your job when you haveyour grandkids to parent them
the way you think they should beparented for the three hours
that you have them right, andthen let your kids know what you
think they're doing wrong.
It's your job to support them.
This is their go-around, right?
Like it's not your anyways.
(35:02):
So, but that that is one thingwe hear a lot.
Brad Aldrich (35:06):
Yeah, we hear it a lot.
Kate Aldrich (35:06):
And I think that's more from the what that's gonna
be like the kids with theirkids of oh, I I I thought young
adult kids, I was this is such abreeze.
Our young adult kids arephenomenal, but there are times
it's tripped me up, and I'mlike, oop, I didn't anticipate
that I would feel that, feelthat and want to do that, you
(35:28):
know.
And so Brad and I, I think, Ifeel like are constantly having
those conversations and we'reconstantly doing the hey, now I
need to watch out for that.
Can you watch out for that withme?
Like, I don't want to do thatto them.
I don't, you know, likedifferent things that we see
coming up because it is normalhumanness to get tripped up by
(35:49):
all of this.
Brad Aldrich (35:50):
I and I also want to honor that it's different for
each kid, right?
Like they of course it is havedifferent personalities, and so
you're going to have one kid whowants to reach out and talk
more often than another.
You're going to have one kidwho wants to tell you about
things and one that doesn't, andit's not right or wrong.
(36:14):
And it's not your job to pitone against the other.
Kate Aldrich (36:19):
Well, I was, yeah, I was gonna.
It's yeah, I don't know whereyou're going with that, but I
think it is a parent's job.
We have four kids to try tohelp all of the siblings honor
where all of the siblings are,which can be hard, right?
Like we also set the tone forhey, your siblings making
(36:42):
different choices.
Can you can you love them andhonor them where they are?
You don't have to agree withit.
That's not what we're asking ofyou, but can you love them and
honor them where they are?
Brad Aldrich (36:54):
How do you feel?
And I'm actually asking thisbecause I haven't really
processed it.
How do you feel about theparents being the conduit of
sibling information?
Right?
Like so you call your parentand find out what your siblings
are doing.
Kate Aldrich (37:09):
No, no, it's a bad idea.
You're you're and you're makingyour kids feel like they're
always in the middle, right?
Like, no, it's your it's we'vealready experienced this with
our kids having things happen intheir lives, and we'll say, Do
(37:31):
you want us to share that withthe siblings?
Because sometimes it's easierwith like breakups we've
experienced.
Yeah, something like sometimesit's like I don't really want to
talk about that right now, butI would like my siblings to know
that's fine, but you askpermission, they're adults, and
then we've had some siblingssay, Oh, well, what happened in
that situation?
That's not my story to tell.
Brad Aldrich (37:52):
You have to find out yourself, right?
Kate Aldrich (37:54):
That's that's yours to ask and your siblings
to decide whether or not theywant to share.
Right.
Right?
It doesn't just because you canhave a good relationship with
your siblings, I believe, andnot know everything going on.
So I think like, no, parents,don't get in the middle of the
siblings, and you need to listenbecause some things that might
(38:16):
come out might be we feel likeyou favored this one over this
one, like, or you, you know,like those are gonna be things
you're probably gonna have tohear.
Um, if you have siblings, Ithink it's a it's unfortunately
a natural part of havingsiblings.
Brad Aldrich (38:31):
I I think it's it is a slippery slope because
sometimes it's just normal andnatural, it's like, oh yeah, did
you hear your sister got a newjob?
Or, you know, it's just likewhatever, it can be just normal
and healthy.
But I think it's such aslippery slope that if it feels
like all of the informationcomes to you through through
(38:52):
your parents, then you'reassuming everything you tell
your parents is going everywhereelse, right?
And you then feel like, butit's always coming with an
editorial as well, right?
It's not just the theinformation.
So yeah, I do think it it'sprobably a slippery slip.
Kate Aldrich (39:09):
I don't think you need to I you're so like and
then I think sometimesgrandparents' parents get in
this loop of like, well, I'llI'll just tell her.
No.
And you're trying to alsocultivate closeness between your
kids.
Right.
Because now you all knoweverything.
Like, and I can't tell you howmany times I've heard about
group family group chats wherepeople get really offended and
(39:30):
hurt, right?
To me, family group chats, thisis our philosophy, or at least
mine.
Brad doesn't you don't I wehave a group chat with our kids,
we don't use it a ton.
I text funny things, he textsdad jokes.
You can probably anticipatefunny things, anticipate how
that goes.
Um, anyways, he texts dadjokes, I text funny memes, and
(39:54):
then every once in a while it'slike something informational.
Like I sent them all a pictureof my brother's wedding.
Um, you know, like but I don'tuse it to communicate hard
things.
If you need to communicate hardthings, or you find yourself
being tempted to be passiveaggressive, do not put it in the
(40:14):
group text.
Like, I don't know.
I've just heard lots of peoplesay, like, I feel like I need to
see my way out of the familygroup text because right.
And then there's the wholething of spouses being included
or not included.
Like, we hear it all, guys.
And um, you know, I plan toask, none of our kids have
(40:35):
spouses.
I plan to ask them, is it is itbest?
Like, I feel like I don't wantthat new person into our family
to not feel included.
So can we include them in thegroup chat?
Is that okay?
Brad Aldrich (40:44):
Like we definitely want them there.
Kate Aldrich (40:46):
I would want them there too, but we have to honor
what the spouse might want.
Like, I don't want your weirdfamily group chat.
Brad Aldrich (40:53):
Like, like there are, you know, like how would
they get my dad jokes then?
Kate Aldrich (40:58):
Well, it's gonna be it's gonna be okay.
Brad Aldrich (41:00):
They're gonna be okay with it.
Um I'm sitting here thinking ofall the dad jokes I could tell
the podcast.
Kate Aldrich (41:07):
Can we be honest that most of the time, not most
of the time, and I think ourfour kids love, well, and I
think they love dad jokes asmuch as they can, but many times
he'll tell a joke and it'll belike a you have to respond,
like, oh, what is that?
And nobody responds, and then Iget a text from him, nobody's
responded.
(41:27):
So then I respond, and then allof the kids interact with it.
So um, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (41:33):
The groans are victory enough.
It's good.
Kate Aldrich (41:35):
But um, there was one other thing I was thinking
about.
I I said I often give people aformula for what does it look
like to invite your kid out andlisten well?
Yeah, right.
The the end piece that Ididn't, because we kind of went
off on several subjects, butonce you've heard it and you've
said, like, are there differentthings that I could do?
(41:56):
How can we make this differentin the future?
You know, if you need to askforgiveness as a parent, ask
forgiveness, like all of that.
But then the other thing that Ihave said, which is I think a
piece people forget about, isthat's where you're done with
your kiddo.
Well, not really.
You keep pursuing them in that,keep doing the changes that
(42:18):
they mentioned.
But what do you do with thefact that you're sitting there
as a parent, irritated becauseyou're like, that's not how it
happened.
Brad Aldrich (42:29):
Right.
You go to your trusted friend,your therapist, your spouse,
spouse, and go is really hardbecause there's so much more to
this story, or there's otherpieces, and that you know, I
tried and I'm really hurt thatit ended up hurting them.
And you you let other peoplehelp you carry it.
(42:52):
It's not you.
And process it and carry it.
Kate Aldrich (42:56):
Right.
But what you the way you talkedabout it there is so different
than right.
And I always say your bestfriend, your therapist, your
coach, your mentor, your spouse,right?
The the inner circle, only theinner circle.
If you're telling a lot ofother people what's going on
with your children, you've gotto be curious about that.
But only your inner circle,because you know they want the
(43:18):
best for your relationship withyou and your child.
Right.
And it's not a gripe session.
Oh, you can't uh believe whatmy kid told me.
That's not what it is.
It's I need you to help me sitwith the fact that I heard
something really hard and theirtruth is this.
Brad Aldrich (43:38):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (43:39):
And I remember it happening very differently.
And I remember prioritizingthis, but all that they
processed and felt was this,right?
And it's it's we get to honorhonor you in the hardness of you
were trying usually to be adecent parent.
Yeah, and it didn't work, andyour kid got missed and they got
(44:03):
hurt, and so like there's that,but also those people are gonna
hold the truth of what yourkiddo said with you.
Brad Aldrich (44:10):
And I want to honor there's a story I tell
sometimes of harm um thathappened to a kiddo that when
the kid went back and got theparents' context, it did
actually help to understand someof that harm.
It doesn't erase the harm, andthat's the difference.
(44:30):
Understand it.
Oh, okay, I can see this largercontext.
It still was harm, right?
So that's the difference.
We we expect as parents to go,oh, if I tell you the rest of
the story, then you won't feelhurt anymore.
No, it's still harm, yeah, butsometimes that context can
(44:51):
really help.
Absolutely.
And to go, oh, okay, I I cansee a larger picture here, I can
see, you know, what those canbe really positive, but we it
does not erase the story, itdoes not erase the truths.
And I think that's something weneed to carry as parents that
that's not our kids' job, right?
(45:13):
So I I want to just go uh outon a limb here and say if your
kids have put up boundaries withyou, that's actually a good
thing.
There's not a negative.
If your kids are keeping you atarm's length, if they have
directly cut you off, what doyou do?
How do you respond to that?
(45:34):
And the first thing I want todo is for you to do as much as
you can to honor the boundarythat they put in place.
Because if they put in aboundary and you don't honor it,
all you're doing issteamrolling over them.
Kate Aldrich (45:57):
You're solidifying what they've already or what
they're contemplating.
Brad Aldrich (46:02):
So I think you need to honor the boundary as
much as possible and then find away, hopefully within the
boundary, of communicating tothem, hey, I've gotten somebody
I can talk to, I've gotten acoach, I've gotten a counselor
that I can talk to about thisstuff because I want to heal
(46:22):
this relationship with you.
I want to do it better.
I am able to hold the hardthings that you want to tell me.
You so if you can still speakto them, get to that place where
you're doing the hard work sothat then you can hold the hard
things they need to say.
If you haven't done that,great.
(46:43):
If they've put up all theboundaries, you find a written
way so that it's not a directcontact.
You can send them a note, youcan send them, you know, a
letter or something that saysthat hey, I'm ready to hold this
hard stuff because I love youenough and I don't want you to
(47:07):
help me.
I want to help you, right?
Like that we're giving it.
And I know that doesn't workall the time.
I know there's been lots ofbroken boundaries and broken
trust and broken a lot of hearthurt, but I think it's an
important place to try to reachout.
Kate Aldrich (47:26):
Yeah, for sure.
Brad Aldrich (47:28):
I hope that helps some people this holiday season
who are scratching their headsabout why their kids are putting
distance up.
And it really is somethingthat's happening now because,
like Kate said, the pendulumswung.
And I think we've even saidthat as boundaries come up, as
(47:49):
we understand familydifferently, family has become
family of choice rather thanfamily of genetics.
And that's something that thisgeneration has embraced, and so
that often leaves the family ofgenetics on the outside of it.
This is some of the reasonswhy.
Yeah.
So I do hope that you getsomething out of that.
(48:11):
Yeah.
So we'd love to hear from you.
You know, drop us uh a like onum Instagram or that's amazing.
Kate Aldrich (48:23):
I like it.
Brad Aldrich (48:25):
Send us a message, you can reach us at help at
stillbecoming one.com.
You can send us an email, youcan send us a DM on Instagram.
Um until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (48:40):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (48:43):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldrich Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecoming one dot com.
(49:05):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
Kate Aldrich (00:33):
Yeah, welcome back.
Brad Aldrich (00:36):
How are you guys today?
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
How are we today?
Oh.
I didn't know if that was forall of us.
No.
How are we today?
I'm tired.
How are you today?
Brad Aldrich (00:47):
You know, actually, I'm doing alright this
morning.
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (00:51):
I'm tired.
I mean, I'm just tired.
My um older brother got marriedthis weekend, and Brad and I
were there, and it was amazingand fun to celebrate with them.
Um but I also did thephotography, so we were there
from like early.
And then yeah.
Brad Aldrich (01:08):
This is a hidden talent that not everyone on our
podcast knows about Kate.
Kate Aldrich (01:11):
A hidden talent.
Brad Aldrich (01:13):
Well, not very hidden.
She is actually a really greatprofessional photographer.
Kate Aldrich (01:18):
And but it's not what I do full-time.
Brad Aldrich (01:21):
Not what she does full-time anymore.
And forever.
Well, you did it a lot for along a lot.
Kate Aldrich (01:27):
For a number of years, I did it definitely
part-time.
Brad Aldrich (01:31):
But and she uh actually is really, really
talented.
And so then people who knowthat she can do it, you know,
beg her and plead her to dotheir family photos or or uh
you're you're you're very kind.
Kate Aldrich (01:46):
You're overstating it maybe a little bit.
And no, I'm glad my brother,obviously, family and close
friends.
I I still do I would doanything for those people, and
I'm glad that he asked.
So it was a fun day for sure.
Um, but I think then it led tolike just tired.
Brad Aldrich (02:03):
Oh, it's tiring.
I mean, you spent literally allthe time.
I'm middle aged.
This is like like editing andall that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (02:09):
So I did because I wanted to get it done and I
wanted to also get them to them.
So, but it was a good weekend.
I'm just a little tired, and ofcourse, um, yeah.
So, but we're here.
We're here, guys.
We're here.
We're here, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (02:24):
So our topic that we kind of talked about uh, you
know, several weeks ago, we putout a holiday guide uh around
what do we do with familygatherings and how do we do
those well.
And we talked about doing themwith integrity to ourselves, but
also putting up some boundariesand being able to communicate
(02:46):
some of those boundaries.
And you know, we have clientsof ours, and we have certainly
in social media you see all thetime the opposite side of this
of people who have adultchildren who have either totally
(03:08):
cut them out of their lives, ormore often, I think, you know,
significantly reduced contactwith them.
And I think they're often inthe place of going, I don't
understand what happened.
Yeah, actually, I I had aclient of mine earlier this week
kind of saying, like, thiswasn't an option when I was
(03:30):
growing up.
You just, you know, talk toyour family that you just did
with your family.
It it was just what you did.
I don't understand why somebodywould be choosing something
different now.
Kate Aldrich (03:43):
Well, and you bring up a really good point,
and I don't I don't want to gotoo far down that road, but like
we do see naturally insocieties where we will swing
all one way, and then people gettired and exhausted of that,
and we start to see thechallenges with that.
(04:04):
And I and I do think some ofthat has come out of women
giving women their voice, likeall of these things, but also
then I think mental healthvoices, like all the things that
when we were kids, like no onewas talking about in school.
And yet I know through our kidswho are now all as of last
week, adults, adult in age, um,still one in high school, but
(04:29):
like that that was just so muchmore talked about and expressed
for them.
So we're over on this side ofthe pendulum, which is good.
People need to be able to dothat.
Brad Aldrich (04:40):
People are understanding their mental
health and understanding wherethey need boundaries and they
feel like they have the abilityto have a voice, even if it is
hurting somebody who they docare about like a parent.
Kate Aldrich (04:53):
Right, right.
Well, it yes, and so like I dowant to honor both extremes are
not great, right?
Like we want to honor, like,but this extreme came about
because there was this extremeat some point.
Like, so I don't want us aswe're having this conversation
to come off like you know,releasing your voice, then it's
(05:17):
okay to say whatever, or it'sokay to do whatever.
Right.
But I do think what thissubject brings up, which I've
been seeing the rise of it onsocial media, we've had clients
talking about it, um, of more ofthe parental role.
So it would be us saying, Whyare my kids putting distance?
(05:38):
Why do they not want to come toholidays?
What is going on?
But I think as you and I havegrown and changed, like, and of
course, Dan Alender's principal,like, can we be curious about
it?
Can we can we instead of likethat's just wrong, that you
should honor your parents, likeall of that?
(05:59):
Can we be curious about whyit's happening?
Brad Aldrich (06:03):
I I think we actually need to start there in
talking through that curiositybecause I think so often the
first question I get is howcould they do this to me?
What or why why would you everdone this?
Yeah, what have I done todeserve this?
Right?
Like, don't they owe mesomething of loyalty or you
(06:24):
know, all this for all thethings I did for them?
Why is it that I'm now gettingcut out of their lives?
Kate Aldrich (06:32):
I think just uh just your one comment there.
Don't they owe me something?
Yeah, I would just love you tostop and be curious about that.
If you feel like becoming aparent was about being, you
know, receiving something orgetting something back.
(06:54):
I'd just love to know wherethat comes from.
Of course, in parenting, thereis a very natural, right?
Like we take care of ourchildren, we get to see them
experience life, grow, gothrough challenges, go through
happy things.
And so we are often what theycome back to as they're going
(07:15):
out.
So, like, I do understand someof that, but parenting is
selfless, and it is But isn'tthat supposed to stop when
they're 18?
Brad Aldrich (07:27):
And aren't they supposed to give back to us
then?
I'm being devil's advocate, ofcourse.
Kate Aldrich (07:33):
But like I live with you, I know what you are.
Brad Aldrich (07:36):
But I I think that's kind of this attitude.
I gave to them, I supportedthem, I helped them all through
their childhood.
Why can't they now, you know,just come around on
Thanksgiving?
Why can't they bring their letme hang around with their
grandkids?
Kate Aldrich (07:55):
You know, it's a great question that needs some
curiosity, right?
And and the challenge is, youknow, we believe the way God
designed family, there is thishierarchy for a lack of better
terms.
And so it really comes parentdown.
Brad Aldrich (08:13):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (08:14):
Right?
It doesn't go child up.
And when we're expecting childup, we're gonna be disappointed
because we're not as parents,and and you and I both right now
are both children because weboth each still have a parent,
and we are parents to our fourkids.
So, like with our parents, itis their job to pursue us.
(08:39):
We use the word pursue, andthat's pursue in all kinds of
ways, pursue in checking in,pursue in how's life going.
Is there anything as yourparent at this stage of life
that I can do or be helpfulwith?
If not, that's okay, right?
And then and then for us, theother way it, you know, it's our
(08:59):
job to check in with our fourkiddos.
They can check in anytime theywant, right?
This doesn't mean that kidscan't reach out, go up if they
want to.
It's just not expected.
Brad Aldrich (09:13):
It's not their responsibility.
Kate Aldrich (09:16):
Correct.
It's ours as the parent.
Brad Aldrich (09:18):
Just saying that is a shift.
Like, I think it's a it'sexactly felt like it is the
child's responsibility to callthe parent.
It's the child's responsibilityto reach out to mom and dad.
I think that's been theprinciple for a really long
time.
And that just simply is one ofthe things that's changing is
(09:41):
hey, wait a minute, why is itthat we're expecting the one
with a really busy schedule withit, whether it be college
schedule or little kids scheduleor whatever?
Whatever it is.
Why are we expecting they'rethe ones to create the time and
reach out?
Yes, there are times like ifyou call, if you reach out, they
(10:03):
may not be available.
Sure.
It's okay.
Yeah, right?
Like, but just saying, hey, Iwanted to reach out, hope you're
doing okay, hope you're havinga great day, would love to
connect when you have a chance.
Like that, that is stillreaching out and connecting.
Right.
Then it's not the guilt tripof, and I haven't seen you for a
while, we haven't had a chanceto talk in a while.
(10:25):
Like that now is saying tothem, you have to take care of
my needs.
Kate Aldrich (10:31):
You know, yes.
And I want to go back to whatyou said with your devil's
advocate of like once we turn18, doesn't it change?
I will say, like, my experiencewith my family growing up, I
remember my mom always saying,my mom more than my dad, but my
mom saying to my grandmothers,because I had two, call me
anytime.
Like I'm busy with the kids,like I'd love to chat, but call
(10:54):
me.
Yeah.
And there was sort of thistension that I recognized, and I
don't know with you, becauseyour your grandparents were all
not local.
Mine were to where we grew up.
And and my mom just saying,like, call me, it's fine, but I
don't always think, nor do Ihave the, you know, like I'm
focusing on getting all the kidsdifferent places and whatever.
(11:17):
And it does seem to switch.
Like, cause I often, and I'llbe a little vulnerable here.
I doubt my mom is gonna end uplistening to this.
Um, but she seems to haveswitched.
And I'm like, when did thathappen?
And there are times I'vereminded her, hey, remember you
used to tell Mom and Nan, like,please just call me.
(11:37):
And that's what I find myselfhaving to say to my mom
sometimes of like, please justcall me.
I just, it's not on my radarbecause I've got many more
things on your radar.
Yeah, this year we'rereadjusting and it's different.
But I'm talking about, youknow, the past 10 years of our
lives, it has seemed to haveshifted some.
And so I know you and I havesaid, let's be aware of that.
(12:00):
Yes.
Right?
Let's be aware.
Brad Aldrich (12:03):
So I think what you're talking about is the the
on the nice side, there is justa functional thing of like, hey,
don't assume that the fact thatthey're busy means they don't
want to talk to you.
That parents, you can reach outand doing that and saying, hey,
(12:24):
just been thinking about you.
Hope you're having a great day,you know, and and you being
that reaching out.
But I want to tagline on thatof the whose needs are being
met.
Because I think I hear whenyou're reaching out.
When you're reaching out, Ithink I hear often from young
people that it's the opposite.
(12:44):
It's it feels like I have tomeet my parents' needs.
They're not there trying to,you know, see how I'm doing,
they're not there, like, butreally it's them wanting me to
take care of them.
And that just feels reallyheavy.
Kate Aldrich (13:05):
I can see why.
And yeah, if that is anoverarching feeling, like again,
curiosity.
And this is this is the hardpart that I think, and I want
all the parents out there tohear this, hear it as a parent.
If your kiddo is puttingdistance or whatever it looks
(13:29):
like, it doesn't look like whatyou would hope it would look
like.
Number one, we have to becurious about our expectations.
Where do they come from?
Brad Aldrich (13:35):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (13:36):
You and I anticipate our kids being all
over the country, potentiallyall over the world, right?
I we've never set anexpectation that they should all
live locally, but I know a lotof families who put that on
their kids.
Correct.
Right.
And so, and I'm not sayingwe've done everything perfect,
but we adopted a kiddo fromAfrica.
So we've never really thoughtthat our kids would potentially
(13:58):
mean they all can be close ifthey want to, but we've just
kind of said that.
So, like being curious aboutwhere does that expectation come
from?
And then I think the thingthat's hardest is to open up
curious conversations with yourkids and be willing to actually
have them.
Brad Aldrich (14:13):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (14:14):
Um, I don't like having them.
I'll be the first to admit whowho wants to hear they did
something not great as a parent.
But to say, hey, I I see itfeels like there is distance.
Can I I'm and you've got tocome in with no pressure, but
like openness of I want tounderstand.
(14:34):
How can I understand from thepast where that came from that
you feel that pressure?
And how can I do it differentlyin the future so that you at
least feel the freedom to comewhenever that's you know,
whenever.
Brad Aldrich (14:51):
So you're talking about even the parents being
willing not to just address thecurrent situations, but parents
being willing to go back withtheir adult children to discuss
things in the past that maybehave impacted their
relationship.
Kate Aldrich (15:13):
I think so.
I know that's hard.
Brad Aldrich (15:16):
It is incredibly hard.
And we've had theseconversations with many of our
adult children of being able tosit with them and hear and and
walk through hard things becausewe certainly weren't perfect
parents by any means.
And you know, it is incrediblydifficult, but I come back to
all the time.
I love and care about my kidsenough that I'm willing to hear
(15:40):
the difficult things because Iwant to do that repair.
I want to do that.
And I've heard so many of myclients who've gone back to
parents and said, hey, thisthing happened, and what they
hit is a stone wall of maybe,maybe recognition of like, yeah,
(16:00):
that happened.
So, or even worse, I thinksometimes the stone wall of you
know, you don't really know whatyou're talking about.
Kate Aldrich (16:10):
Hmm.
Yeah.
And I think if your kiddo iscoming to you with a
circumstance, this is theformula I kind of talk to my
clients about.
Because I have met with clientsof this, and like I've had to
live it out in my own life.
The formula is if your kid iscoming and sharing something
about the past and isvulnerable, your reaction of it
(16:32):
didn't happen that way isnormal.
Sure.
But that's not the place youexpress it with your kiddo,
right?
However, they experienced anevent in their childhood, his is
how they experienced it.
As Dan Allener says, detailsand facts don't matter when harm
and hurt has happened.
Brad Aldrich (16:52):
So man, details and facts don't matter when harm
and hurt has happened.
Exactly.
Or intent.
Kate Aldrich (16:59):
Intent doesn't matter to you.
Brad Aldrich (17:01):
Intent doesn't matter, right?
That that is so hard, but it'sso true because you know, I've
heard stories where you can tellthat the parents' intent was
correction, was even care, butwhat ended up happening was just
(17:22):
immense hurt.
Sure.
Right.
And so, like I heard a storyrecently, I can be very vague in
this one.
I heard a story recently wheresomething bad happened to mom
and the child, and the mom'sresponse, I think we can all
understand, was to get the kidinto a safe place, who then
(17:46):
immediately, like another familymember, who then immediately
put the kid to bed.
And then, you know, the kidwoke up the next day not really
even sure where they were, whatwas happening.
Gotcha.
Like, you know, in just thedisillusion.
We can see that that mom'sresponse was one of care, right?
(18:08):
I I want I'm gonna try to dowhat's best for my kid and get
them into a safe place.
Yeah.
But what ended up happening waseven more confusion, even more
fear, even more doubt, likebecause the kid didn't know what
was gonna happen to mom or whatwould happen to mom.
And you know, so there's all ofthat wounded that then happened
(18:30):
the next day.
So it it really wasn't about,you know, and if they go back
and talk to their mom about it,they would say something like,
Oh, but I just wanted to takecare of you.
Yes, of course you did.
That was the intent, but theharm still happened, and you
know, really being able to holdthe fact that harm happened that
(18:51):
you did not intend for it tohappen.
That's the hard thing as aparent.
Yeah.
Because every I think mostparents, every parent wants to
prevent harm from happening, andso then when we hear it, we get
really sad.
We get then defensive of like,but you didn't see all the
things I tried.
(19:12):
And I think that ends upundermining our attempt to
actually repair.
Kate Aldrich (19:20):
Yeah, it's fighting that initial reaction
and keeping it in for a littlebit, right?
Listening well, tell me aboutit.
Tell me about what that waslike for you.
And and then it's saying, okay,is there something I need to do
different in the future?
Because sometimes these thingsare just really hurtful, harmful
(19:44):
things that happened when theywere kids, and it's not still
going on, but they're stillcarrying it.
Sometimes they speak to themesthat are ongoing kind of
situations, correct.
Brad Aldrich (19:55):
But I, you know, just to get back to our overall
principle, you're saying, and Ithink correctly saying that
sometimes the reason why adultkids don't want to come around
or don't want to bring theirgrandkids around is because
there is unhealed hurts from thepast that maybe they've tried
to talk to you about and havefelt stonewalled.
Kate Aldrich (20:20):
Or, or, and maybe they haven't tried to talk to
you about it, right?
And that may feel like aninjustice for you as a parent,
but I would say it's our jobs tocultivate a space where they
can talk to us.
It's our job to not onlycultivate a space, but also keep
asking or keep saying, like,hey, if you ever need to process
something with us from yourchildhood that we didn't do
(20:41):
well, we are here, we want tohear it, right?
And and so, like, trying toopen that up so that they feel
like they can.
Brad Aldrich (20:52):
So you I think those words are really
important.
You're saying we should go backto adult children and say, Hey,
if there's anything that ispreventing us from having a
relationship right now thathappened in the past and you
want to talk about it, I'm readyto listen.
Kate Aldrich (21:13):
Yeah.
I think every adult parentshould do it because your kiddos
need the invite, right?
Like, and maybe you've, youknow, cultivated a lot of talk
in your family, but that doesn'tmean we're necessarily
comfortable talking about reallyhard things or places we've
harmed each other or haven'tdone well.
(21:34):
So I think doing the invite iscrucial.
Yeah, right.
Um, and I think it's crucialbecause life stages stages are
going to change.
Our kids, most likely out offour of them, are gonna have
some partners in life.
Um, and there may be thingsthey want to talk about then,
right?
Like they're just opening thatup is necessary and not just
(21:59):
assuming that you've doneeverything perfectly or or
avoiding talking about thethings you haven't done
perfectly.
Brad Aldrich (22:09):
So the two things that we've pulled out so far is
one, it's it is the adult'sresponsibility to reach out to
the adult children and tonavigating that and to be doing
that in care, not in how are youtaking care of me.
Right.
So watching the guilt trip ofhow you're taking care of me.
(22:30):
The other is being willing andable to deal with real hurts
from the past that your kids maybe processing, whether it be in
therapy or somewhere, andtrying to help them to un you
know to deal with that.
So, in addition to those, whatare the things that are keeping
(22:58):
kids or you know, areencouraging, I think, adult kids
to putting up boundaries withtheir parents and what should
the parents do about it?
Kate Aldrich (23:10):
So, wait, your question is what is encouraging
them to put up boundaries?
Where are they getting thatfrom?
Brad Aldrich (23:17):
Where are they why are they getting why are they
doing it?
Not even just what'sencouraging, like what's making
it so that they feel like theyhave to.
Kate Aldrich (23:24):
Sure.
I mean, I think boundaries isanother pendulum we could talk
about.
Like that that has definitelyhappened over the years, but I
think the reason people feellike boundaries is the right
next step is because you're notapproachable to talk to about
it.
Brad Aldrich (23:41):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (23:42):
I I'm or approachable to talk to about
it, or the difference in yourkid, like you're trying to fit
all of your kids into one box,and we have to all be together
on the holiday, and theyeverybody has to like doing
this, and everybody has toright.
Brad Aldrich (24:00):
Well, I think it even keeps keep going, keep
going, because I think it getsdeeper a lot of times.
We all have to believe the samethings, we all have to vote the
same way, we all have to thinkthe same things about what's
going on in the news, we allhave to, you know, think the
same things about church, and wehave to have the same you know,
level of values and and thatkind of stuff as well.
Kate Aldrich (24:22):
Okay, yeah, for sure.
Instead of like, what can thislook like?
Yeah, what I mean, I think itwould be fantastic if our kids
could all get together at somepoint as they grow older, but I
also don't know where they'regonna be.
And if we do all get together,there is a space of like, can we
(24:43):
all honor where everyone is at?
Brad Aldrich (24:45):
Right.
Can we all look different andbe okay with that?
Kate Aldrich (24:49):
Well, we all look different.
Can we go beyond that?
We all believe potentiallydifferently.
Would it be nice to have all ofmy kids believe the way I
believe?
I don't know.
But I don't know why why wouldI need that?
Brad Aldrich (25:03):
Well, I think that is a fundamental difference
where we've done some work onourselves that we have said,
hey, uh, you know, it's okay ifour kids grow out in different
ways and you know come tounderstand things differently
than we do.
I think a lot of people thatcreates fear, right?
It is this fear that says ifthey don't believe this, then
(25:28):
sure they're not saved, thenthey're gonna be wrong.
And and that extends, Ibelieve, I've seen often much
more than just um simple, dothey believe in Jesus or not?
Like I if they don't do it inthis way, if they don't live it
out in this way, if they don'tbelieve this group of people is
(25:50):
bad, if they don't like uhthere's so many things where I
think our beliefs are veryingrained right now that when we
see somebody out of group, outof that ingrained belief, we go,
I don't know how to have be inrelationship with them.
(26:10):
And this actually hits bothsides, right?
And I I would encouragefamilies to just be okay with we
can believe differently.
Kate Aldrich (26:22):
Amen.
Brad Aldrich (26:24):
But so many people, and I've worked with
people who are like, my parents'beliefs are directly impacting
my life, and I can't toleratethat anymore.
So I need to stand up againsttheir negative beliefs, and I've
heard parents go, the way mykids are living is directly
(26:47):
against my political orreligious beliefs, and so I
can't tolerate that anymore.
And they get to the place wherethe belief is above
relationship, yeah, and andthat's sad to me.
Kate Aldrich (27:04):
I mean, I think there are reasons, I think there
are curiosities.
I I don't want to soundjudgmental, but it's sad to me
because I don't think we sawJesus break relationship with
anybody.
I mean, he was really he wasreally like angry at the
(27:24):
Pharisees and the Sadducees, butwe don't see him not uh
interact with them.
He is often calling them out.
Um, and and even Judas, like heknew what he was about to do.
Brad Aldrich (27:38):
And I mean, people use this cliche, but he washed
his feet, like he he stillincluded him, he could have
broken relationship with him andsaid, I know what you're about
to do, get out, like no, the theonly one that I can think of,
and he's still Jesus still wasin relationship with him, was
the person that we title inscriptures the rich young ruler,
(27:59):
who Jesus interacted with, oractually he came up to Jesus and
he said, You know, what do Ineed to do to you know achieve
the kingdom of heaven?
What do I need to do to be thebest?
And Jesus answer, relativelysimple answer, was follow the
Ten Commandments.
And look, if if you know alittle bit about faith and you
(28:22):
read those Ten Commandments, youknow, like there's some really
hard stuff in there.
Some of them is easy.
I haven't murdered anybody,right?
Okay, check.
I got that.
Kate Aldrich (28:31):
But but Jesus changes that because he says if
you murder someone in yourheart, right?
Brad Aldrich (28:36):
Right?
Like, but even beyond that,like, you know, there are ones
that are really difficult andare should be life-changing.
And the rich young ruler'sanswer to Jesus is, oh, I've
done all of that since I'myoung, which is arrogant and
totally not introspective,right?
(28:57):
He's he is saying, I don't evenunderstand myself well enough.
I've just seen the checklistand sure I can do the checklist.
Kate Aldrich (29:04):
Understand you, Jesus.
Brad Aldrich (29:07):
So Jesus's then response is like directly
challenging, and I think kind ofa little like get away from me
of like, okay, fine, go selleverything you own, and then you
will be justified, right?
And because he knew like thisperson wasn't about to do that,
and it I think it was a placewhere Jesus was like rolling his
(29:29):
eyes a little bit at thisperson, but in general, like I
agree to insert eye roll inserteye roll by Brad, though, but by
Brad, not I but I agree withyou, and I think this is an
important principle, like,because I do we work with a lot
of Christian parents who arevery worried about their kids
(29:53):
who have gone off into differentavenues of things, aren't
living the way they had hoped.
Aren't walking in the way theywould like.
Kate Aldrich (30:02):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (30:03):
And have cut off relationship with them and said,
no, I'm not going to honor thechoices that they've made
because I think those make thosechoices are bad.
And I just come back to youknow every one of those
scriptures that shows me Jesuswas happy to have dinner with
(30:23):
people.
He was happy to sit in and bewith people who were not walking
the way that he would want themto.
So why is it that we have tocut off relationship in order to
show them that they're beingbad?
Like that just doesn't make anysense to me.
Kate Aldrich (30:41):
And Jesus did the exact opposite.
Jesus chose to always pursuethe relationship over the sin,
over what else was going on intheir lives.
He chose the relationship.
Brad Aldrich (30:53):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (30:54):
Isn't that how we got a savior?
Brad Aldrich (30:56):
I exactly.
Kate Aldrich (30:57):
He chose the relationship over the sin.
Brad Aldrich (31:00):
So I so like I would really challenge Christian
parents.
Kate Aldrich (31:04):
And I'm not even saying everything's sin by any
means.
Brad Aldrich (31:06):
Oh, exactly.
But but Christian parents whoare going, I can't be in
relationship with my kid becauseliving this way.
And I can't be in relationshipwith my kid's partner because I
disagree with the choices thatthey're making.
They're living together,they're you know homosexual,
they're whatever you want tothrow in there, you know, saying
I'm saying I can't be inrelationship with them because I
(31:32):
don't think that you'refollowing Jesus.
I I mean I'll just be blunt.
I don't think you're followingJesus.
You think you're bringing themto Jesus by cutting somebody
out, you're wrong.
Kate Aldrich (31:44):
Because it's not absolutely, because it's not
what Jesus did.
He pursued the relationship.
Brad Aldrich (31:49):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (31:50):
No matter what.
Brad Aldrich (31:51):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (31:52):
And you need to too.
I mean, we're gonna be stronghere, but like if if your child
is pulling away from you, youare the one who should be
pursuing and asking thequestions.
Your kiddo shouldn't have tocome to you.
Although if you've given theinvite come to me anytime, then
(32:12):
they can.
But if you notice something,that's attunement.
If you notice something's offin your relationship,
something's off with your childin general, it's the ask of
like, hey, tell me what's goingon, right?
Also the freedom to say, like,and we've told our kids at
times, like, you don't have totell us, but we wanted you to
(32:34):
know we notice and we're here.
Right.
And so it's the invite, it itdoesn't, it shouldn't then turn
into, because I want to becautious that it doesn't turn
into, well, I've asked you, nowyou have to tell me.
No, like that's not right.
Some things may be just yourkiddo says thanks for noticing,
(32:54):
but it's you know, somethingbetween me and my spouse, and I
don't want to share, or fine,whatever it may be, or I'm not
ready to share yet.
Like it could be lots ofthings, but the attunement says
you matter and I recognizesomething is wrong.
Brad Aldrich (33:09):
Yeah, and really we want parents to be the safe
place.
It doesn't matter if your kidsare 18 or 35.
Absolutely to be the safe placethat is not demanding, is not
creating more tension, is notcreating more expectations, but
(33:31):
is being the safe place thatthey can come to when they're
ready.
Kate Aldrich (33:36):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (33:37):
And I think all too often what I hear is that
it's shifted.
It's why can't my kids meet myneeds?
Why can't my kids now, youknow, make me happy?
I want to be with thegrandkids, so why can't my kids
do that?
Why want to, you know, and justflipping the script so that the
(33:59):
kids are responsible for takingcare of you?
And I would say this is wherewe need more community and more
relationships, more people inour lives because it is not your
kids' responsibility to takecare of you.
Kate Aldrich (34:15):
And I would I would put, I mean, there's so
many, so much in this subject,but I would put a little side
note in there.
You're why can't I spend timewith my grandkids?
We don't have any yet.
So I do honor there arecomplexities there.
Your kids are gonna raise theirkids the way they see best.
And you may not always agreewith that.
(34:36):
It's your job to support themin what they've chosen.
Brad Aldrich (34:41):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (34:41):
Obviously, unless they're doing something heinous
or wrong.
It's not your job when you haveyour grandkids to parent them
the way you think they should beparented for the three hours
that you have them right, andthen let your kids know what you
think they're doing wrong.
It's your job to support them.
This is their go-around, right?
Like it's not your anyways.
(35:02):
So, but that that is one thingwe hear a lot.
Brad Aldrich (35:06):
Yeah, we hear it a lot.
Kate Aldrich (35:06):
And I think that's more from the what that's gonna
be like the kids with theirkids of oh, I I I thought young
adult kids, I was this is such abreeze.
Our young adult kids arephenomenal, but there are times
it's tripped me up, and I'mlike, oop, I didn't anticipate
that I would feel that, feelthat and want to do that, you
(35:28):
know.
And so Brad and I, I think, Ifeel like are constantly having
those conversations and we'reconstantly doing the hey, now I
need to watch out for that.
Can you watch out for that withme?
Like, I don't want to do thatto them.
I don't, you know, likedifferent things that we see
coming up because it is normalhumanness to get tripped up by
(35:49):
all of this.
Brad Aldrich (35:50):
I and I also want to honor that it's different for
each kid, right?
Like they of course it is havedifferent personalities, and so
you're going to have one kid whowants to reach out and talk
more often than another.
You're going to have one kidwho wants to tell you about
things and one that doesn't, andit's not right or wrong.
(36:14):
And it's not your job to pitone against the other.
Kate Aldrich (36:19):
Well, I was, yeah, I was gonna.
It's yeah, I don't know whereyou're going with that, but I
think it is a parent's job.
We have four kids to try tohelp all of the siblings honor
where all of the siblings are,which can be hard, right?
Like we also set the tone forhey, your siblings making
(36:42):
different choices.
Can you can you love them andhonor them where they are?
You don't have to agree withit.
That's not what we're asking ofyou, but can you love them and
honor them where they are?
Brad Aldrich (36:54):
How do you feel?
And I'm actually asking thisbecause I haven't really
processed it.
How do you feel about theparents being the conduit of
sibling information?
Right?
Like so you call your parentand find out what your siblings
are doing.
Kate Aldrich (37:09):
No, no, it's a bad idea.
You're you're and you're makingyour kids feel like they're
always in the middle, right?
Like, no, it's your it's we'vealready experienced this with
our kids having things happen intheir lives, and we'll say, Do
(37:31):
you want us to share that withthe siblings?
Because sometimes it's easierwith like breakups we've
experienced.
Yeah, something like sometimesit's like I don't really want to
talk about that right now, butI would like my siblings to know
that's fine, but you askpermission, they're adults, and
then we've had some siblingssay, Oh, well, what happened in
that situation?
That's not my story to tell.
Brad Aldrich (37:52):
You have to find out yourself, right?
Kate Aldrich (37:54):
That's that's yours to ask and your siblings
to decide whether or not theywant to share.
Right.
Right?
It doesn't just because you canhave a good relationship with
your siblings, I believe, andnot know everything going on.
So I think like, no, parents,don't get in the middle of the
siblings, and you need to listenbecause some things that might
(38:16):
come out might be we feel likeyou favored this one over this
one, like, or you, you know,like those are gonna be things
you're probably gonna have tohear.
Um, if you have siblings, Ithink it's a it's unfortunately
a natural part of havingsiblings.
Brad Aldrich (38:31):
I I think it's it is a slippery slope because
sometimes it's just normal andnatural, it's like, oh yeah, did
you hear your sister got a newjob?
Or, you know, it's just likewhatever, it can be just normal
and healthy.
But I think it's such aslippery slope that if it feels
like all of the informationcomes to you through through
(38:52):
your parents, then you'reassuming everything you tell
your parents is going everywhereelse, right?
And you then feel like, butit's always coming with an
editorial as well, right?
It's not just the theinformation.
So yeah, I do think it it'sprobably a slippery slip.
Kate Aldrich (39:09):
I don't think you need to I you're so like and
then I think sometimesgrandparents' parents get in
this loop of like, well, I'llI'll just tell her.
No.
And you're trying to alsocultivate closeness between your
kids.
Right.
Because now you all knoweverything.
Like, and I can't tell you howmany times I've heard about
group family group chats wherepeople get really offended and
(39:30):
hurt, right?
To me, family group chats, thisis our philosophy, or at least
mine.
Brad doesn't you don't I wehave a group chat with our kids,
we don't use it a ton.
I text funny things, he textsdad jokes.
You can probably anticipatefunny things, anticipate how
that goes.
Um, anyways, he texts dadjokes, I text funny memes, and
(39:54):
then every once in a while it'slike something informational.
Like I sent them all a pictureof my brother's wedding.
Um, you know, like but I don'tuse it to communicate hard
things.
If you need to communicate hardthings, or you find yourself
being tempted to be passiveaggressive, do not put it in the
(40:14):
group text.
Like, I don't know.
I've just heard lots of peoplesay, like, I feel like I need to
see my way out of the familygroup text because right.
And then there's the wholething of spouses being included
or not included.
Like, we hear it all, guys.
And um, you know, I plan toask, none of our kids have
(40:35):
spouses.
I plan to ask them, is it is itbest?
Like, I feel like I don't wantthat new person into our family
to not feel included.
So can we include them in thegroup chat?
Is that okay?
Brad Aldrich (40:44):
Like we definitely want them there.
Kate Aldrich (40:46):
I would want them there too, but we have to honor
what the spouse might want.
Like, I don't want your weirdfamily group chat.
Brad Aldrich (40:53):
Like, like there are, you know, like how would
they get my dad jokes then?
Kate Aldrich (40:58):
Well, it's gonna be it's gonna be okay.
Brad Aldrich (41:00):
They're gonna be okay with it.
Um I'm sitting here thinking ofall the dad jokes I could tell
the podcast.
Kate Aldrich (41:07):
Can we be honest that most of the time, not most
of the time, and I think ourfour kids love, well, and I
think they love dad jokes asmuch as they can, but many times
he'll tell a joke and it'll belike a you have to respond,
like, oh, what is that?
And nobody responds, and then Iget a text from him, nobody's
responded.
(41:27):
So then I respond, and then allof the kids interact with it.
So um, yeah.
Brad Aldrich (41:33):
The groans are victory enough.
It's good.
Kate Aldrich (41:35):
But um, there was one other thing I was thinking
about.
I I said I often give people aformula for what does it look
like to invite your kid out andlisten well?
Yeah, right.
The the end piece that Ididn't, because we kind of went
off on several subjects, butonce you've heard it and you've
said, like, are there differentthings that I could do?
(41:56):
How can we make this differentin the future?
You know, if you need to askforgiveness as a parent, ask
forgiveness, like all of that.
But then the other thing that Ihave said, which is I think a
piece people forget about, isthat's where you're done with
your kiddo.
Well, not really.
You keep pursuing them in that,keep doing the changes that
(42:18):
they mentioned.
But what do you do with thefact that you're sitting there
as a parent, irritated becauseyou're like, that's not how it
happened.
Brad Aldrich (42:29):
Right.
You go to your trusted friend,your therapist, your spouse,
spouse, and go is really hardbecause there's so much more to
this story, or there's otherpieces, and that you know, I
tried and I'm really hurt thatit ended up hurting them.
And you you let other peoplehelp you carry it.
(42:52):
It's not you.
And process it and carry it.
Kate Aldrich (42:56):
Right.
But what you the way you talkedabout it there is so different
than right.
And I always say your bestfriend, your therapist, your
coach, your mentor, your spouse,right?
The the inner circle, only theinner circle.
If you're telling a lot ofother people what's going on
with your children, you've gotto be curious about that.
But only your inner circle,because you know they want the
(43:18):
best for your relationship withyou and your child.
Right.
And it's not a gripe session.
Oh, you can't uh believe whatmy kid told me.
That's not what it is.
It's I need you to help me sitwith the fact that I heard
something really hard and theirtruth is this.
Brad Aldrich (43:38):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (43:39):
And I remember it happening very differently.
And I remember prioritizingthis, but all that they
processed and felt was this,right?
And it's it's we get to honorhonor you in the hardness of you
were trying usually to be adecent parent.
Yeah, and it didn't work, andyour kid got missed and they got
(44:03):
hurt, and so like there's that,but also those people are gonna
hold the truth of what yourkiddo said with you.
Brad Aldrich (44:10):
And I want to honor there's a story I tell
sometimes of harm um thathappened to a kiddo that when
the kid went back and got theparents' context, it did
actually help to understand someof that harm.
It doesn't erase the harm, andthat's the difference.
(44:30):
Understand it.
Oh, okay, I can see this largercontext.
It still was harm, right?
So that's the difference.
We we expect as parents to go,oh, if I tell you the rest of
the story, then you won't feelhurt anymore.
No, it's still harm, yeah, butsometimes that context can
(44:51):
really help.
Absolutely.
And to go, oh, okay, I I cansee a larger picture here, I can
see, you know, what those canbe really positive, but we it
does not erase the story, itdoes not erase the truths.
And I think that's something weneed to carry as parents that
that's not our kids' job, right?
(45:13):
So I I want to just go uh outon a limb here and say if your
kids have put up boundaries withyou, that's actually a good
thing.
There's not a negative.
If your kids are keeping you atarm's length, if they have
directly cut you off, what doyou do?
How do you respond to that?
(45:34):
And the first thing I want todo is for you to do as much as
you can to honor the boundarythat they put in place.
Because if they put in aboundary and you don't honor it,
all you're doing issteamrolling over them.
Kate Aldrich (45:57):
You're solidifying what they've already or what
they're contemplating.
Brad Aldrich (46:02):
So I think you need to honor the boundary as
much as possible and then find away, hopefully within the
boundary, of communicating tothem, hey, I've gotten somebody
I can talk to, I've gotten acoach, I've gotten a counselor
that I can talk to about thisstuff because I want to heal
(46:22):
this relationship with you.
I want to do it better.
I am able to hold the hardthings that you want to tell me.
You so if you can still speakto them, get to that place where
you're doing the hard work sothat then you can hold the hard
things they need to say.
If you haven't done that,great.
(46:43):
If they've put up all theboundaries, you find a written
way so that it's not a directcontact.
You can send them a note, youcan send them, you know, a
letter or something that saysthat hey, I'm ready to hold this
hard stuff because I love youenough and I don't want you to
(47:07):
help me.
I want to help you, right?
Like that we're giving it.
And I know that doesn't workall the time.
I know there's been lots ofbroken boundaries and broken
trust and broken a lot of hearthurt, but I think it's an
important place to try to reachout.
Kate Aldrich (47:26):
Yeah, for sure.
Brad Aldrich (47:28):
I hope that helps some people this holiday season
who are scratching their headsabout why their kids are putting
distance up.
And it really is somethingthat's happening now because,
like Kate said, the pendulumswung.
And I think we've even saidthat as boundaries come up, as
(47:49):
we understand familydifferently, family has become
family of choice rather thanfamily of genetics.
And that's something that thisgeneration has embraced, and so
that often leaves the family ofgenetics on the outside of it.
This is some of the reasonswhy.
Yeah.
So I do hope that you getsomething out of that.
(48:11):
Yeah.
So we'd love to hear from you.
You know, drop us uh a like onum Instagram or that's amazing.
Kate Aldrich (48:23):
I like it.
Brad Aldrich (48:25):
Send us a message, you can reach us at help at
stillbecoming one.com.
You can send us an email, youcan send us a DM on Instagram.
Um until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (48:40):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (48:43):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldrich Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecoming one dot com.
(49:05):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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