October 29, 2024 • 39 mins
How do you keep the peace at Thanksgiving dinner when political differences arise? As we approach the pivotal 2024 election, we dive into the divisive topic of how to engage in compassionate and understanding discussions, even when opinions clash.
Family dynamics during politically charged times can be tricky to navigate. We've seen too many families torn apart by the enmity and contempt of rival politics. Sometimes, we need to build bridges of compassionate listening and other times; we need to build boundaries. Join us from both sides of the aisle as we navigate this tricky situation.
(mentioned in this episode- The Power of Saying No: 5 Steps to Set Up Boundaries that Stick)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both
dark times and experiencedrestoration.
Brad (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship
coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate (00:35):
Yes, welcome back.
I feel like we've been gone.
Brad (00:38):
Yes, we have, it's been a busy fall but, so glad to be
back and talking to everybody.
Kate (00:46):
Yeah.
So, you know, I'm like tryingto think what have we been doing
?
I not that people want to know,I don't remember, it's just
been busy.
We've had some sickness.
Brad (00:56):
Yeah.
Kate (00:57):
You know just all the things.
Kids go back to school and theybring it all around and they
get it.
Yep, so that and I think, yeah,just really busy, but we are
excited to be here this morning.
Brad (01:08):
We are.
There's a lot of things beengoing on and yet we're just
super happy to be talkingmarriage with all of you guys
and family.
And so we can't get away fromthe fact that we are I think
it's 10 days, as we're recordingthis away from the 2024
(01:29):
election and we thought this wasactually a perfect time to talk
about this thing that we hearin our clients, honestly, quite
a lot, is how divided people arefeeling from their families
because of politics.
Kate (01:49):
Yeah, I was thinking about that like growing up, cause
Brad and I are in our lateforties.
Do you remember that being?
You know, I think there's a lotof talk in general about things
are so different.
So I'm curious like do youremember growing up feeling of
course we're kids so it'sdifferent, but like feeling like
(02:10):
everybody was so divided?
Brad (02:12):
No, I don't, and I you know.
I've seen some like clips ofhow political discourse has
changed and sure.
Yes, it did get ugly at timesin the past, so it's not like
this is brand new or anythinglike that.
But we grew up in an era wherepoliticians shook hands, spoke
(02:36):
kindly to each other and thendebated on the things that they
disagreed on how they wouldapproach government.
I don't think that's yeah whathappens now?
Kate (02:47):
I don't think they were always super nice to each other.
No, it's no and they wouldsling like there would be ads
that were definitely like adsthat were mud slinging for sure
yeah, but it it does seem to beamped up and different than,
like I know, even within myfamily there were different
(03:11):
political views, obviously, butdifferent choosing of parties
and it just never was an issue.
Well, I do remember, Like youalways knew that that person was
.
Brad (03:23):
But so what?
You just didn't talk about it,kind of thing.
Kate (03:25):
Yeah, and I guess I can say this now because I won't say
what side, but my most of myfamily was one side and my
grandfather was not, and I doremember my family saying like
it's just best if we don't talkpolitics with him.
But I remember it coming up attimes and, yes, it would
sometimes get heated but it was,I don't know, like it was never
(03:48):
a deal breaker.
I never felt like it wasdividing our family.
But it is a really good pointbecause my grandfather and my
grandmother were registeredopposite parties, I mean
obviously now there's alwaysbeen some third parties, but the
main two parties, republicanand Democrat.
(04:08):
like I had one grandparent thatwas one and one was the other,
so within their household thatwas divided Right, and I think
that's probably true still todayfor some people.
Brad (04:20):
Absolutely, and I know we're a month away from
Thanksgiving here and by thenwe'll have some answers of
what's happened in the USpolitical elections, and I know
I've already talked to peoplewho are genuinely concerned
about going home and just thepolitical discourse that will
(04:43):
happen.
And what do they do about thedifferences of opinion that
exist within families?
And it's to the point where itfeels like both sides are saying
you either agree with me or youhate me saying you either agree
(05:09):
with me or you hate me, rightlike that.
It gets this language almost of.
Kate (05:11):
It's so much who I am that there is not room to politely
disagree yeah, that's sad it isvery sad that's sad because,
while I understand some peoplefeel very like this is critical,
they feel like it's changed,like this is your family that
you're choosing.
(05:31):
If you don't agree with myperspective, then I don't know.
That just seems sad and extreme.
Brad (05:41):
It really does, and I think that may be the place that
we need to start is just going.
What does it look like to bewith somebody who disagrees with
you?
And be able to listen to themwithout getting offended.
Kate (06:02):
Sure, I think that's a life skill it is, and.
Brad (06:06):
I want to say on both sides of the political party
here, this is a challenge.
Kate (06:10):
Oh, absolutely.
Brad (06:11):
I think there are people who are feeling like the other
side is taking away theirfreedom, taking away who they
want to be like, on either sideof the political spectrum, and
so it feels like that otherfamily member's attack is a
personal one.
Even if it's a philosophy, abelief, a you know.
(06:34):
I don't believe this shouldhappen or not.
It can feel very, very personal.
So, it's hard to listen tosomebody who feels like they're
giving a personal attack.
But while we were talking aboutthis, before we started
recording, I just said how manytimes in scripture do we see it
(06:57):
discussed of Jesus hanging outwith people who disagreed with
him and honestly, vehemently,sometimes disagreeing with him
when you talk about thePharisees or the Sadducees, but
even people from other walks oflife and other things that just
(07:20):
were not normal?
Yeah, right, and Jesus wentabove and beyond to hang out
with people who did lifedifferently.
Kate (07:30):
Yeah, what do you think that looked like, though?
Like we're often told that hehung out with different people
and we see glimpses of what thatlooked like.
I realize we're kind ofinterpreting scripture, but
that's part of what we'resupposed to do.
What do we think that lookedlike?
Brad (07:47):
Well, I mean for one.
It certainly cost him, becausethere were assumptions made in
the crowds based on hey, he'shanging out with a sinner, he's
hanging out with a tax collector, he's hanging out with a woman
there are immediate assumptions.
Well, that was a big deal,right?
Kate (08:06):
That's crazy, but anyways, yep, that's not what we're
talking about today.
Brad (08:09):
Keep moving.
But there are immediateassumptions in the crowd based
on that Like, hey, he's withthat person, that must mean he
accepts them.
And Jesus was actually prettyclear on that that every time
(08:30):
that he had one of theseencounters with somebody, he
loved them, he hung out withthem, he did a little bit of
life with them, right, Whetherit be at the well or Zacchaeus
and having dinner with him orwhatever.
Whether it be at the well orZacchaeus and having dinner with
him or whatever.
He did a little bit of thatlife with him or them and then
(08:51):
got to the place of saying, hey,I want something different from
you.
He wasn't leaving the personthere, but he didn't start with
hey, if you do somethingdifferent, I'll come over and
have dinner with you.
Kate (09:04):
Right.
Brad (09:05):
And I think that's something that's changed.
I don't know over the lastwhile here that we have trouble
discussing being with somebodywho disagrees with us and being
able to listen.
Kate (09:22):
Yeah, I think listen, that's definitely where it
starts, but I think it's gottenso bad that we have trouble even
being in someone's presence.
Brad (09:30):
In presence.
Kate (09:31):
yeah, but yes, I do think that's the case and I know we
are working really hard in thisepisode.
It's not about what Brad and Ibelieve we have our own beliefs.
Brad (09:43):
It's not about politics here, right?
No, it's about Because Iad andI believe we have.
Kate (09:44):
it's not about politics here, right, because no, I'm
actually thinking of both sidesoh 100.
But I'm saying like that's whywe're not necessarily coming
from our perspective.
But I know, for me I workreally hard when someone shares
political things, I am weary, Iam leery, because it just feels
(10:09):
like it is supercharged rightnow.
It feels threatening at times,it feels not safe, but I work
really hard to listen.
The challenge that I find isthose who listen well don't
always get afforded the sameopportunity.
Brad (10:30):
Yeah.
Kate (10:31):
Like I find, because I have this passion to not let it
divide people.
Yeah, literally it then means Idon't get an opportunity to
ever share or it's not safe,because what I find is the
people who want to engage arethe people who want to convince
(10:51):
you and change your mind.
And.
I've had conversations withpeople who I'm like.
Well, I agree, but I stillcan't get a word in edgewise
because you're so vehement.
Right, like it's not onlypeople the opposite of me, and I
find that to be hard and I findthat I think that's you know,
you said listen well, but I alsothink we have to invite.
(11:13):
We've got to invite otherpeople to listen.
Brad (11:17):
Yeah.
Kate (11:17):
Right, it can't be one sided.
Brad (11:19):
No, that's exactly right.
But I want you, like I want ourlisteners, to think right now.
You know, now we're 10 days outfrom the election, A lot of
people have already voted andsome people are you?
know I want you to think about.
You know your candidate, whoyou're voting for, and if you
find out you know in a inanother week here that somebody
(11:45):
who is going to be atThanksgiving dinner with you not
only voted for the othercandidate but went to some
rallies and supported thatcandidate, how would you feel
about going to that Thanksgivingdinner?
Would it change how you thinkabout it?
Kate (12:09):
I don't think it would for me.
Brad (12:10):
I know you're not necessarily asking me, I'm like
I mean honestly, I would thinkI'd probably have my guard up.
Kate (12:19):
Sure Yep.
Brad (12:21):
Right, I'd be ready to be bombarded, you know kind of
thing, and I would then kind ofbe worried about what might
happen at that place, and Ithink that scenario is happening
all over right now.
(12:41):
Sure.
Right.
Whether it be you're differentthan your parents, whether it be
you have a sibling who'sdifferent, or it's the crazy
uncle.
It's the crazy uncle.
I think all of us have thatpeople in our lives who have
gone a different direction, andit is difficult to sit down and
(13:03):
have those conversations.
I agree, so what are yousuggesting we can do to make
that different?
Well, I think there is acombination of two things the
the one that you said is reallygood in making a space for
(13:25):
everyone to be heard, right,that we can create a space when
somebody is saying this is whatI believe to invite them to go.
Would you like to hear theopposite belief?
Or how would it make you feelif you heard the opposite belief
(13:46):
?
Is that safer, right?
And I think a lot of people dofeel like, and I think a lot of
people do feel like, you know,because of the big issues, that
the opposite side won't listento us.
So I think, in some ways, weneed to go into it, inviting
people to, instead of justpreach at us, to have a
(14:11):
discussion and be able to listento both sides, and that's
obviously the best option.
If somebody is willing tolisten, then I think that can be
really positive.
But the opposite also happens,right.
But the opposite also happensright, and I think there's a lot
(14:33):
of families who have put upsome boundaries, rules around.
Let's just not have politics atthe table.
Let's not do this to destroy ourfamily, and I think that can be
appropriate too, that we try tojust put some boundaries up.
Kate (14:55):
Is that something you grew up with your family saying?
I think your family was fairlyall one-sided.
Brad (15:03):
It was pretty one-sided but pretty apolitical.
Like they just didn't.
Politics wasn't something thatwe talked about really much at
all.
Um, you know, so I I can't saythat that was something that I
saw.
I certainly knew that there wassome difference in extended
(15:27):
family okay, um gotcha but again, that wasn't really something
that we talked about a whole lot.
Kate (15:35):
Yeah, I have no idea about extended family Like as a
growing up I didn't.
That wasn't something that wasdiscussed, but it was said in my
family, like my grandparentsand my parents always have a
saying of like it's always bestnot to talk about politics and
religion.
Brad (15:50):
Right.
Kate (15:50):
So like they would say that at times, I think, when
things were being brought up,but yeah.
Brad (15:57):
And you know, given my history of not talking about it,
it is so much easier for me tojust be like, okay, can't we
just have this dinner and nottalk about you know Trump or
Harris at all.
Can we just leave them out ofhere and just?
Have our family.
Right, trump or Harris at all.
Can we just leave them out ofhere and just have our family
and I think that can work.
But I think a lot of people,because these issues are so
(16:20):
personal, feel like evenexcluding it is somehow
accepting the other side orfalling into that other part of
the belief system or somethinglike that, and so I think a lot
of people my guess is, when Ihad you envision that there are
(16:42):
many people listening to thiswho are probably like I'm not
sure I would go if that personwas attending who went to the
opposite party's rally andsupported them gotcha that that
would mean I, you know, I thinkwe just shouldn't be together
and yet I sit here and I think,like I I don't specifically know
(17:04):
where my siblings are on this,um, there's many reasons for
that, but, like, if they went tosomething the opposite of what
I would necessarily be voting, Iwould just be really curious,
like I'd be like, what was itlike?
Kate (17:20):
like, what are the things that are important to you?
I actually think that's reallyinteresting, right?
Um, I do think there are thingsthat make have made these last
couple elections verysupercharged, but what just
happened to our naturalcuriosity?
(17:41):
Without a ton of judgment, itdoesn't mean you have to change
the way you're voting to engagea sibling or someone else in
your family, just like, oh wow,what was that like?
What did you love?
What did you not like?
I'm just really curious, Idon't know.
Brad (17:56):
Yeah, I would love to like have that kind of conversation
that can be upward and honestand approachable, right, and I
think that is the goal.
Yeah.
All right.
So I'm going to flip it alittle bit.
What if your family member, youknow, is that supporter or
(18:17):
person who is, you know, reallypushing a belief system that
says, either candidate, you knowif, if you're not voting for
them, you're right.
Kate (18:30):
And we hear that we hear that on both sides.
Brad (18:33):
So, I'm not even picking a party here, because you can be
a Democrat and believe that theRepublicans are evil.
You can be a Republican andcertainly believe that the
Democrats are evil right, it'sbeen communicated a lot.
So if you're going to dinnerwith somebody like that, who
just feels like the other sideis awful and evil, and they're
(18:57):
going to not listen to you,they're going to lecture at you,
they're going to attack you,then what?
Kate (19:06):
Are you asking me Because I've got thoughts?
Brad (19:08):
Go for it.
Kate (19:10):
I think that's too complex to it's too complex to be like.
The other side is evil.
Right, we're talking about amassive group of people and it's
that kind of always and nevereffect.
Right like it's, they're allevil, like I.
Well, first, all we're allbroken and sinful, so that's all
(19:34):
of us, every single one of us,in every party.
So there is that, and I hearthat.
And yes, the enemy is active intrying to lead people astray,
but I just wonder if he's notwinning by dividing people so
divisively.
Brad (19:57):
So good?
I don't know.
Uh, no, I absolutely agree andyou know, right now, looking at
all of the polls, all thestatistics, we are in a dead
heat and you know that what thatmeans is 50 of americans
disagree vehemently with theother 50 of americans, and that
is a problem it cannot be thatsimple.
Kate (20:19):
We're, but yeah, it literally cannot be that simple,
like we are too complex ofpeople for it to be that simple,
but we've chalked it up to thatyeah and and I just question,
asking yourself, like is theenemy winning with that?
Like I, I think, jesus's heart.
It's okay for us to disagree.
(20:41):
That doesn't mean it shoulddivide us in a way that we are
not valuing people anymore I,yeah, I totally agree I mean,
that's what jesus was all about.
Right, you know, he sat with thewoman at the well, knowing that
she was um, struggling, thatliving a lifestyle that was not
(21:10):
what he wanted for her.
But I think, think he also said, like I see you in that you
have been in a position whereyou're a woman and your options
were very limited and there'sdefinitely abuse going on here.
Like it's complex.
It's not just like she is a sinseeker, like there's a piece of
(21:31):
us a sin seeker.
Yeah, there's a piece of us.
Of course Sin feels good, sintakes us places that we don't
really want to go, but we end upstaying there.
So it's complex.
It sure is it's just not simple,and neither is all of this.
Brad (21:48):
Yeah, no, I agree.
I do think ultimately, theresometimes is a place for
boundaries.
Oh, for sure.
You know, being with familymeans you're subjecting yourself
to being preached at, andyou've tried to say hey, can we
have an open conversation aboutthis?
(22:09):
You've tried listening andasking for listening.
You know if you've done many ofthose things and it just seems
stuck.
There is a place for a boundarythat probably needs to be
communicated clearly.
And you know, for those of youwho are potentially in this
(22:31):
situation, I'm sure you're goingto be watching the news very
acutely because we don't knowwhat's going to happen come the
end of November, forThanksgiving.
But by then there'll be somethings happening and that could
be then a very hot time forthese kind of discussions to
(22:51):
come up.
And you may need to communicatewith family, you may need to
communicate with others of we'lldo dinner together, we would
love to have you come over orwhatever.
But here's the boundary andsaying we just have chosen that
we're going to have you know thetime, without discussing
(23:14):
politics and see what happensyeah um, you know, that is
obviously a difficult thing forsome people to do but I think it
it can be really good.
Kate (23:25):
Like I'm thinking about our kids.
You know we have wellpractically three young adults
and one teenager.
I mean, some are still teenageyears.
Brad (23:35):
We have three voting adults.
Kate (23:37):
Yes, which is kind of crazy.
I was thinking about thismorning.
We went from last election withno one being able to vote to
this election, with our oldestthree being able to vote and our
youngest would be next election.
But would I put this boundaryup?
I would like, because ourfamily is more important and one
(23:58):
of the things we've alwaystried to say to our kids and
we've grown through this sayingis you know, accept your
siblings wherever they are.
It's not your job to changethem.
You can have thoughts on theirlives, but each one of them is
trying to figure out who theyare all kinds of things and I'm
(24:21):
not going to get into any ofthat because it's all very
personal to them.
But accept them where they are,and that goes for politics too.
You guys may grow up and notagree.
Agree and it's okay, right, um,and, and there are times, you
know, siblings have said thingsto me of like, oh, I don't
(24:42):
really like that, this person'schoosing that or whatever.
And I've said I hear you,you're allowed to have that
thought, but accept yoursiblings wherever they are.
And I think the reality is Ihope we don't have to put that
in place, but if I needed to.
I would, because that's thevalue of our home.
(25:03):
You're not changing anyone.
You're not motivating them bycoming at them and not accepting
them where they are on theirjourney.
Brad (25:12):
Yeah.
Kate (25:12):
And honoring it.
You're not.
Brad (25:15):
Yeah, I agree.
Kate (25:16):
And I think that's something you need to recognize
if you are feeling this hugepush to educate and change your
family.
Yep, I would challenge where'sthat anxiety coming?
Brad (25:30):
from yeah, I agree, I agree, but I think there are
times that we see that anxietyin the other person right, and
that we see them kind of comingat you.
With this tension, with this,you have to change your belief
(25:52):
or else kind of thing, and Ithink that's where we do need to
put up boundaries.
Yeah.
Right and I'll link it in thepodcast or on the show notes.
We did a podcast specificallyon creating boundaries just a
couple of weeks ago and kind oftalk through the five steps of
creating boundaries.
(26:13):
That might be helpful if you'rethinking through that, where
really it's trying to make themclear and not apologize for them
and to be prepared for bothyour and their emotional
backlash when it happens.
In short, right we go into alot more in the other podcast,
(26:33):
but it's hard.
Creating those boundaries isreally difficult.
Kate (26:36):
Well, and I would say, if you're on the end of where we
are, like obviously going upwith our parents, aunts and
uncles, if you still havegrandparents, like setting a
boundary, that end is harderbecause there's obviously
already dynamics and establishedthings for us when we're
(26:58):
entering the stage getting closeto of empty nesters and you
know, our children creating anddeciding their own personal
lives.
I think when, like my advicewould be, of course, we haven't
done this yet.
So, as you're seeing thingshappening that can divide,
(27:19):
that's when to put theboundaries up correct, right,
not to wait until it's the otherway.
Yeah, and your kids are havingto say mom and dad like this is
really hard.
I don't like it when we gettogether because da-da-da-da-da.
Because I feel railroaded orwhatever Right, or whatever, and
so I just think it can lookvery different whether we're
(27:39):
talking going upwards or or down.
Brad (27:42):
That's a really good point , okay, but on that thought and
this is where I wanted to get toanywhere there are probably
some people listening to thiswho have this situation in their
home or even in their marriagewhere they disagree with their
spouse and that, I think, is aharder issue right.
(28:08):
Because now we're talking about.
How does this impact yourintimacy, your relationship,
your communication?
And we're not just talking abouthow you vote.
I think it's not probably ahuge deal on if you voted
different.
It's probably more that stuffwe were talking about before of.
(28:28):
I truly believe this otherperson is bad, evil, wrong and
you're supporting that.
Kate (28:35):
Or the big.
What do they call them?
The big issues?
Brad (28:39):
the hot topics.
Kate (28:41):
I think it can be that too , not even because I'm voting
for that not the party Right.
That's important to me.
Brad (28:47):
So, whether it be abortion or you, know, yeah, things like
that.
Anything like that.
That's like you're thinking ofthis and now the person is is
disagreeing with you.
You know, immigration, abortion, economics, lgbtq, like
whatever that view is yeah, thenit feels like they're slamming
(29:10):
that belief that you may have.
Kate (29:14):
I think, okay, you know my favorite thing to go to if you
and your spouse have differentthoughts on hot button issues.
There's story there.
Of course, my favorite thing togo to if you and your spouse
have different thoughts on hotbutton issues.
There's story there.
Of course, right, there arereasons, and I think, more than
the way you feel you need tovote because of them, it's
important for your intimacy tounderstand where they come from,
(29:36):
why they're important, and so Ithink figuring that out is
important, because then you canat least say I know where this
comes from, for my spouse.
I still feel differently aboutit, but I can honor that they
feel differently.
Right and no offense.
But we got married because wefound our spouse attractive and
(30:00):
enjoyed them.
We didn't marry ourselves.
None of us did, and thankgoodness right.
Let's just contemplate that fora second.
And so the beauty of why we gotmarried is a part of this, and
sometimes it's hard because wedo have different thoughts.
I'm sure you've had differentthoughts on parenting your kids
or different thoughts on what todo with your finances, like
(30:23):
this isn't the first thingyou've ever had different
thoughts on, and it should notdivide you, right?
And of course, some of thosethings divide people as well.
The things I just named can bethings that get a couple very
stuck, but this should get us nomore stuck than anything else,
and if it's truly getting youstuck, honestly I would say
(30:46):
reach out to a coach you know,aldridge Ministries, we do that
here so that you can understandthe story behind it and be able
to enter in with empathy, evenif you disagree.
Brad (30:57):
That's, and I think that's really wise, because you are
exactly correct.
There are reasons behindsomebody is passionate about gun
control or freedom to bear arms, that they're passionate about
abolishing abortion or havingabortion right.
(31:18):
That they have these beliefsthere and, yes, of course, some
of them go back to our, yourfaith belief and that's
perfectly okay, yeah and shouldlike I.
I truly believe our faithshould color our politics
choices.
(31:38):
You know, maybe that's the bestway to put it.
I believe it should have animpact there.
And yet I think we also have tolook at who Jesus is, not just
what.
Kate (31:55):
The hot button issue is that, whatever's going on right
and look at how he engaged thehot button issues of his time,
because there were lots.
It's there were, and they'renot all that different from
today, um, and he engaged them,yes, with truth, but also with
(32:16):
grace, kindness, compassion,right complex.
Grace, kindness, compassion,right Complex.
And so is this.
It's just not simple.
Brad (32:26):
But I love that.
I love to give kind of the hopepiece there that if you're
finding you're truly in aconflict space with somebody who
you really want to buildintimacy, going into that deeper
understanding for both of youis probably a really good effort
to try to get to.
(32:47):
You know let's get behind whythis is actually here.
Kate (32:51):
Yeah, let's not let it divide us, let's let it actually
grow us.
Brad (32:56):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that.
That's really good.
So here is hoping for all ofyou that you're able to navigate
this election season well withyour family, regardless of who
wins, and that we can respectthe differences that we have and
learn how to come together inthe places that we're similar.
(33:20):
Yeah, for sure.
Because there's probably a lotmore that joins us than divides
us.
Kate (33:26):
Yeah, and just you know, for the funny, as I was looking
up, as we were talking realquick, you know, because Mickey
Mouse gets a certain amount ofvotes every year.
So, there's always that option.
Guys Just kidding, and actuallyJesus gets a ton of votes.
Oh, my gosh so does God.
So you know?
And Mickey Mouse technicallycan't be voted for because he's
not actually a real.
(33:47):
Did you know?
He's not actually a real person?
Brad (33:49):
He's not.
We're breaking that out, guys.
I'm not sure Jesus can win theelection, so that's probably a
problem, I mean you know,there's so many things.
Kate (33:57):
We could go into all of this, but there's always a
write-in, so you could alwayswrite in somebody.
Brad (34:02):
No, I think that's actually really valid.
One of our kids, who willremain nameless, was thinking
about not—.
Kate (34:09):
I mean, they have names, we're just not sharing them.
Brad (34:11):
Yeah, was thinking about not voting and I gave a pretty
passionate thing of—you've heardthis before.
Kate (34:20):
It is your right and privilege.
Brad (34:21):
I have said, it's your right and privilege to vote.
You do not have to vote for themajor candidates, and not
voting only communicates to themajor candidates that you don't
care when.
Kate (34:36):
Voting for somebody else communicates at least that
you're dissatisfied with what'swell what the current options
are, and of course, each sidewill say democrat and
republicans, you're just givingyour vote to the other side
doesn't matter but here's mything.
That may be the way it worksstatistically, but that's not
(34:56):
right.
If you don't feel like you canvote for either candidate, I
don't.
I don't think you need to getstuck there.
I think you need to exerciseyour right to vote.
And you know you had aconversation we'll say it this
way that that child was male.
I had a conversation withanother child we have two of
each, so you can pretend tofigure it out if you want but
(35:19):
with one of our daughters whoalso was like I'm not, I'm not
going to vote.
And I said you know, sweetheart, it hasn't been that long that
women could not vote.
Like we sometimes forget thehistory of and even in the
United States, some atrociousthings we've done of keeping
different groups of people frombeing able to vote and have a
(35:42):
say.
And I just said you know thereare people in the past who
fought for you specifically tovote, and we have a black son
too, so there are people whofought specifically for that
kiddo to vote.
Like there is a piece ofregister to vote and stand up
for the right that you get tohave this honor because other
(36:05):
people some people lost theirlives were beaten for this Like
it's no joke.
Brad (36:10):
Yes.
Kate (36:11):
And it is an honor.
Brad (36:13):
And since we are on that topic, I will say it is 50 years
, only 50 years today that womengot the right to have credit on
their own name.
Kate (36:26):
Oh, so like buying a house , and credit cards that they did
not have to have their husbandsign with them 50 years, guys,
only 50 years, no offense.
But I'm, I said, late 40s.
We'll just be honest.
I'm 47.
Yep, that was only three yearsbefore I was born.
Brad (36:42):
Yeah right, that's insane.
So women owning businesses,women owning their own home, did
not happen in this country morethan 50 years ago, or was very
rare because it was hard forthem to get credit.
Kate (36:53):
What did they do with single women?
Brad (36:55):
They had to get their fathers or brothers to sign, or
their uncle or someone.
Kate (37:02):
They had to have a cosigner.
Can you even like and I thinksometimes I'm starting to sound
like an old person, but I thinkour younger generation has no
idea.
They don't realize how recentsome of this stuff was, and even
myself I've read that statisticbefore, but I don't think I
correlated it to my own life.
Brad (37:19):
And there is a reality that part of the reason it
happened only 50 years ago wasbecause prior to 50 years ago we
weren't using credit in thesame way that we use it now.
So, there is some elements tothat, but I think it's just so
important to remember that thatright wasn't there.
(37:39):
And it's only through votingfor change that happens over
time, that that happened.
Kate (37:46):
Yeah, yeah.
Anyways, guys, there's ourlittle history buff.
Brad (37:51):
There's the history buff part of me.
Kate (37:53):
Yeah, we have it.
It's very strong.
The history buff is strong inthis family.
Yes, it is so well.
Brad (38:01):
I hope that was helpful.
I know there are so many of youwho are wrestling with this
really divisive issue of what todo with family members, who are
just coming from the differentpolitical spectrum and we just
so believe in the power of unityand intimacy and this process
(38:24):
of becoming one as a couplespecifically.
Obviously, we're mostly talkingabout marriage when we say
still becoming one, but there isa place of you know what does
it mean to walk in intimacy withour community, with our family?
That is also important, and sowe hope that this encourages you
(38:45):
, gives you maybe some ideas andto continue growing in your
journey of becoming one.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate (38:55):
I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad (39:25):
Be kind and take care of each other, and don't forget to
like this episode wherever youget your podcasts, and be sure
to follow us to continue yourjourney on still becoming one.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've survived both
dark times and experiencedrestoration.
Brad (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and relationship
coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate (00:35):
Yes, welcome back.
I feel like we've been gone.
Brad (00:38):
Yes, we have, it's been a busy fall but, so glad to be
back and talking to everybody.
Kate (00:46):
Yeah.
So, you know, I'm like tryingto think what have we been doing
?
I not that people want to know,I don't remember, it's just
been busy.
We've had some sickness.
Brad (00:56):
Yeah.
Kate (00:57):
You know just all the things.
Kids go back to school and theybring it all around and they
get it.
Yep, so that and I think, yeah,just really busy, but we are
excited to be here this morning.
Brad (01:08):
We are.
There's a lot of things beengoing on and yet we're just
super happy to be talkingmarriage with all of you guys
and family.
And so we can't get away fromthe fact that we are I think
it's 10 days, as we're recordingthis away from the 2024
(01:29):
election and we thought this wasactually a perfect time to talk
about this thing that we hearin our clients, honestly, quite
a lot, is how divided people arefeeling from their families
because of politics.
Kate (01:49):
Yeah, I was thinking about that like growing up, cause
Brad and I are in our lateforties.
Do you remember that being?
You know, I think there's a lotof talk in general about things
are so different.
So I'm curious like do youremember growing up feeling of
course we're kids so it'sdifferent, but like feeling like
(02:10):
everybody was so divided?
Brad (02:12):
No, I don't, and I you know.
I've seen some like clips ofhow political discourse has
changed and sure.
Yes, it did get ugly at timesin the past, so it's not like
this is brand new or anythinglike that.
But we grew up in an era wherepoliticians shook hands, spoke
(02:36):
kindly to each other and thendebated on the things that they
disagreed on how they wouldapproach government.
I don't think that's yeah whathappens now?
Kate (02:47):
I don't think they were always super nice to each other.
No, it's no and they wouldsling like there would be ads
that were definitely like adsthat were mud slinging for sure
yeah, but it it does seem to beamped up and different than,
like I know, even within myfamily there were different
(03:11):
political views, obviously, butdifferent choosing of parties
and it just never was an issue.
Well, I do remember, Like youalways knew that that person was
.
Brad (03:23):
But so what?
You just didn't talk about it,kind of thing.
Kate (03:25):
Yeah, and I guess I can say this now because I won't say
what side, but my most of myfamily was one side and my
grandfather was not, and I doremember my family saying like
it's just best if we don't talkpolitics with him.
But I remember it coming up attimes and, yes, it would
sometimes get heated but it was,I don't know, like it was never
(03:48):
a deal breaker.
I never felt like it wasdividing our family.
But it is a really good pointbecause my grandfather and my
grandmother were registeredopposite parties, I mean
obviously now there's alwaysbeen some third parties, but the
main two parties, republicanand Democrat.
(04:08):
like I had one grandparent thatwas one and one was the other,
so within their household thatwas divided Right, and I think
that's probably true still todayfor some people.
Brad (04:20):
Absolutely, and I know we're a month away from
Thanksgiving here and by thenwe'll have some answers of
what's happened in the USpolitical elections, and I know
I've already talked to peoplewho are genuinely concerned
about going home and just thepolitical discourse that will
(04:43):
happen.
And what do they do about thedifferences of opinion that
exist within families?
And it's to the point where itfeels like both sides are saying
you either agree with me or youhate me saying you either agree
(05:09):
with me or you hate me, rightlike that.
It gets this language almost of.
Kate (05:11):
It's so much who I am that there is not room to politely
disagree yeah, that's sad it isvery sad that's sad because,
while I understand some peoplefeel very like this is critical,
they feel like it's changed,like this is your family that
you're choosing.
(05:31):
If you don't agree with myperspective, then I don't know.
That just seems sad and extreme.
Brad (05:41):
It really does, and I think that may be the place that
we need to start is just going.
What does it look like to bewith somebody who disagrees with
you?
And be able to listen to themwithout getting offended.
Kate (06:02):
Sure, I think that's a life skill it is, and.
Brad (06:06):
I want to say on both sides of the political party
here, this is a challenge.
Kate (06:10):
Oh, absolutely.
Brad (06:11):
I think there are people who are feeling like the other
side is taking away theirfreedom, taking away who they
want to be like, on either sideof the political spectrum, and
so it feels like that otherfamily member's attack is a
personal one.
Even if it's a philosophy, abelief, a you know.
(06:34):
I don't believe this shouldhappen or not.
It can feel very, very personal.
So, it's hard to listen tosomebody who feels like they're
giving a personal attack.
But while we were talking aboutthis, before we started
recording, I just said how manytimes in scripture do we see it
(06:57):
discussed of Jesus hanging outwith people who disagreed with
him and honestly, vehemently,sometimes disagreeing with him
when you talk about thePharisees or the Sadducees, but
even people from other walks oflife and other things that just
(07:20):
were not normal?
Yeah, right, and Jesus wentabove and beyond to hang out
with people who did lifedifferently.
Kate (07:30):
Yeah, what do you think that looked like, though?
Like we're often told that hehung out with different people
and we see glimpses of what thatlooked like.
I realize we're kind ofinterpreting scripture, but
that's part of what we'resupposed to do.
What do we think that lookedlike?
Brad (07:47):
Well, I mean for one.
It certainly cost him, becausethere were assumptions made in
the crowds based on hey, he'shanging out with a sinner, he's
hanging out with a tax collector, he's hanging out with a woman
there are immediate assumptions.
Well, that was a big deal,right?
Kate (08:06):
That's crazy, but anyways, yep, that's not what we're
talking about today.
Brad (08:09):
Keep moving.
But there are immediateassumptions in the crowd based
on that Like, hey, he's withthat person, that must mean he
accepts them.
And Jesus was actually prettyclear on that that every time
(08:30):
that he had one of theseencounters with somebody, he
loved them, he hung out withthem, he did a little bit of
life with them, right, Whetherit be at the well or Zacchaeus
and having dinner with him orwhatever.
Whether it be at the well orZacchaeus and having dinner with
him or whatever.
He did a little bit of thatlife with him or them and then
(08:51):
got to the place of saying, hey,I want something different from
you.
He wasn't leaving the personthere, but he didn't start with
hey, if you do somethingdifferent, I'll come over and
have dinner with you.
Kate (09:04):
Right.
Brad (09:05):
And I think that's something that's changed.
I don't know over the lastwhile here that we have trouble
discussing being with somebodywho disagrees with us and being
able to listen.
Kate (09:22):
Yeah, I think listen, that's definitely where it
starts, but I think it's gottenso bad that we have trouble even
being in someone's presence.
Brad (09:30):
In presence.
Kate (09:31):
yeah, but yes, I do think that's the case and I know we
are working really hard in thisepisode.
It's not about what Brad and Ibelieve we have our own beliefs.
Brad (09:43):
It's not about politics here, right?
No, it's about Because Iad andI believe we have.
Kate (09:44):
it's not about politics here, right, because no, I'm
actually thinking of both sidesoh 100.
But I'm saying like that's whywe're not necessarily coming
from our perspective.
But I know, for me I workreally hard when someone shares
political things, I am weary, Iam leery, because it just feels
(10:09):
like it is supercharged rightnow.
It feels threatening at times,it feels not safe, but I work
really hard to listen.
The challenge that I find isthose who listen well don't
always get afforded the sameopportunity.
Brad (10:30):
Yeah.
Kate (10:31):
Like I find, because I have this passion to not let it
divide people.
Yeah, literally it then means Idon't get an opportunity to
ever share or it's not safe,because what I find is the
people who want to engage arethe people who want to convince
(10:51):
you and change your mind.
And.
I've had conversations withpeople who I'm like.
Well, I agree, but I stillcan't get a word in edgewise
because you're so vehement.
Right, like it's not onlypeople the opposite of me, and I
find that to be hard and I findthat I think that's you know,
you said listen well, but I alsothink we have to invite.
(11:13):
We've got to invite otherpeople to listen.
Brad (11:17):
Yeah.
Kate (11:17):
Right, it can't be one sided.
Brad (11:19):
No, that's exactly right.
But I want you, like I want ourlisteners, to think right now.
You know, now we're 10 days outfrom the election, A lot of
people have already voted andsome people are you?
know I want you to think about.
You know your candidate, whoyou're voting for, and if you
find out you know in a inanother week here that somebody
(11:45):
who is going to be atThanksgiving dinner with you not
only voted for the othercandidate but went to some
rallies and supported thatcandidate, how would you feel
about going to that Thanksgivingdinner?
Would it change how you thinkabout it?
Kate (12:09):
I don't think it would for me.
Brad (12:10):
I know you're not necessarily asking me, I'm like
I mean honestly, I would thinkI'd probably have my guard up.
Kate (12:19):
Sure Yep.
Brad (12:21):
Right, I'd be ready to be bombarded, you know kind of
thing, and I would then kind ofbe worried about what might
happen at that place, and Ithink that scenario is happening
all over right now.
(12:41):
Sure.
Right.
Whether it be you're differentthan your parents, whether it be
you have a sibling who'sdifferent, or it's the crazy
uncle.
It's the crazy uncle.
I think all of us have thatpeople in our lives who have
gone a different direction, andit is difficult to sit down and
(13:03):
have those conversations.
I agree, so what are yousuggesting we can do to make
that different?
Well, I think there is acombination of two things the
the one that you said is reallygood in making a space for
(13:25):
everyone to be heard, right,that we can create a space when
somebody is saying this is whatI believe to invite them to go.
Would you like to hear theopposite belief?
Or how would it make you feelif you heard the opposite belief
(13:46):
?
Is that safer, right?
And I think a lot of people dofeel like, and I think a lot of
people do feel like, you know,because of the big issues, that
the opposite side won't listento us.
So I think, in some ways, weneed to go into it, inviting
people to, instead of justpreach at us, to have a
(14:11):
discussion and be able to listento both sides, and that's
obviously the best option.
If somebody is willing tolisten, then I think that can be
really positive.
But the opposite also happens,right.
But the opposite also happensright, and I think there's a lot
(14:33):
of families who have put upsome boundaries, rules around.
Let's just not have politics atthe table.
Let's not do this to destroy ourfamily, and I think that can be
appropriate too, that we try tojust put some boundaries up.
Kate (14:55):
Is that something you grew up with your family saying?
I think your family was fairlyall one-sided.
Brad (15:03):
It was pretty one-sided but pretty apolitical.
Like they just didn't.
Politics wasn't something thatwe talked about really much at
all.
Um, you know, so I I can't saythat that was something that I
saw.
I certainly knew that there wassome difference in extended
(15:27):
family okay, um gotcha but again, that wasn't really something
that we talked about a whole lot.
Kate (15:35):
Yeah, I have no idea about extended family Like as a
growing up I didn't.
That wasn't something that wasdiscussed, but it was said in my
family, like my grandparentsand my parents always have a
saying of like it's always bestnot to talk about politics and
religion.
Brad (15:50):
Right.
Kate (15:50):
So like they would say that at times, I think, when
things were being brought up,but yeah.
Brad (15:57):
And you know, given my history of not talking about it,
it is so much easier for me tojust be like, okay, can't we
just have this dinner and nottalk about you know Trump or
Harris at all.
Can we just leave them out ofhere and just?
Have our family.
Right, trump or Harris at all.
Can we just leave them out ofhere and just have our family
and I think that can work.
But I think a lot of people,because these issues are so
(16:20):
personal, feel like evenexcluding it is somehow
accepting the other side orfalling into that other part of
the belief system or somethinglike that, and so I think a lot
of people my guess is, when Ihad you envision that there are
(16:42):
many people listening to thiswho are probably like I'm not
sure I would go if that personwas attending who went to the
opposite party's rally andsupported them gotcha that that
would mean I, you know, I thinkwe just shouldn't be together
and yet I sit here and I think,like I I don't specifically know
(17:04):
where my siblings are on this,um, there's many reasons for
that, but, like, if they went tosomething the opposite of what
I would necessarily be voting, Iwould just be really curious,
like I'd be like, what was itlike?
Kate (17:20):
like, what are the things that are important to you?
I actually think that's reallyinteresting, right?
Um, I do think there are thingsthat make have made these last
couple elections verysupercharged, but what just
happened to our naturalcuriosity?
(17:41):
Without a ton of judgment, itdoesn't mean you have to change
the way you're voting to engagea sibling or someone else in
your family, just like, oh wow,what was that like?
What did you love?
What did you not like?
I'm just really curious, Idon't know.
Brad (17:56):
Yeah, I would love to like have that kind of conversation
that can be upward and honestand approachable, right, and I
think that is the goal.
Yeah.
All right.
So I'm going to flip it alittle bit.
What if your family member, youknow, is that supporter or
(18:17):
person who is, you know, reallypushing a belief system that
says, either candidate, you knowif, if you're not voting for
them, you're right.
Kate (18:30):
And we hear that we hear that on both sides.
Brad (18:33):
So, I'm not even picking a party here, because you can be
a Democrat and believe that theRepublicans are evil.
You can be a Republican andcertainly believe that the
Democrats are evil right, it'sbeen communicated a lot.
So if you're going to dinnerwith somebody like that, who
just feels like the other sideis awful and evil, and they're
(18:57):
going to not listen to you,they're going to lecture at you,
they're going to attack you,then what?
Kate (19:06):
Are you asking me Because I've got thoughts?
Brad (19:08):
Go for it.
Kate (19:10):
I think that's too complex to it's too complex to be like.
The other side is evil.
Right, we're talking about amassive group of people and it's
that kind of always and nevereffect.
Right like it's, they're allevil, like I.
Well, first, all we're allbroken and sinful, so that's all
(19:34):
of us, every single one of us,in every party.
So there is that, and I hearthat.
And yes, the enemy is active intrying to lead people astray,
but I just wonder if he's notwinning by dividing people so
divisively.
Brad (19:57):
So good?
I don't know.
Uh, no, I absolutely agree andyou know, right now, looking at
all of the polls, all thestatistics, we are in a dead
heat and you know that what thatmeans is 50 of americans
disagree vehemently with theother 50 of americans, and that
is a problem it cannot be thatsimple.
Kate (20:19):
We're, but yeah, it literally cannot be that simple,
like we are too complex ofpeople for it to be that simple,
but we've chalked it up to thatyeah and and I just question,
asking yourself, like is theenemy winning with that?
Like I, I think, jesus's heart.
It's okay for us to disagree.
(20:41):
That doesn't mean it shoulddivide us in a way that we are
not valuing people anymore I,yeah, I totally agree I mean,
that's what jesus was all about.
Right, you know, he sat with thewoman at the well, knowing that
she was um, struggling, thatliving a lifestyle that was not
(21:10):
what he wanted for her.
But I think, think he also said, like I see you in that you
have been in a position whereyou're a woman and your options
were very limited and there'sdefinitely abuse going on here.
Like it's complex.
It's not just like she is a sinseeker, like there's a piece of
(21:31):
us a sin seeker.
Yeah, there's a piece of us.
Of course Sin feels good, sintakes us places that we don't
really want to go, but we end upstaying there.
So it's complex.
It sure is it's just not simple,and neither is all of this.
Brad (21:48):
Yeah, no, I agree.
I do think ultimately, theresometimes is a place for
boundaries.
Oh, for sure.
You know, being with familymeans you're subjecting yourself
to being preached at, andyou've tried to say hey, can we
have an open conversation aboutthis?
(22:09):
You've tried listening andasking for listening.
You know if you've done many ofthose things and it just seems
stuck.
There is a place for a boundarythat probably needs to be
communicated clearly.
And you know, for those of youwho are potentially in this
(22:31):
situation, I'm sure you're goingto be watching the news very
acutely because we don't knowwhat's going to happen come the
end of November, forThanksgiving.
But by then there'll be somethings happening and that could
be then a very hot time forthese kind of discussions to
(22:51):
come up.
And you may need to communicatewith family, you may need to
communicate with others of we'lldo dinner together, we would
love to have you come over orwhatever.
But here's the boundary andsaying we just have chosen that
we're going to have you know thetime, without discussing
(23:14):
politics and see what happensyeah um, you know, that is
obviously a difficult thing forsome people to do but I think it
it can be really good.
Kate (23:25):
Like I'm thinking about our kids.
You know we have wellpractically three young adults
and one teenager.
I mean, some are still teenageyears.
Brad (23:35):
We have three voting adults.
Kate (23:37):
Yes, which is kind of crazy.
I was thinking about thismorning.
We went from last election withno one being able to vote to
this election, with our oldestthree being able to vote and our
youngest would be next election.
But would I put this boundaryup?
I would like, because ourfamily is more important and one
(23:58):
of the things we've alwaystried to say to our kids and
we've grown through this sayingis you know, accept your
siblings wherever they are.
It's not your job to changethem.
You can have thoughts on theirlives, but each one of them is
trying to figure out who theyare all kinds of things and I'm
(24:21):
not going to get into any ofthat because it's all very
personal to them.
But accept them where they are,and that goes for politics too.
You guys may grow up and notagree.
Agree and it's okay, right, um,and, and there are times, you
know, siblings have said thingsto me of like, oh, I don't
(24:42):
really like that, this person'schoosing that or whatever.
And I've said I hear you,you're allowed to have that
thought, but accept yoursiblings wherever they are.
And I think the reality is Ihope we don't have to put that
in place, but if I needed to.
I would, because that's thevalue of our home.
(25:03):
You're not changing anyone.
You're not motivating them bycoming at them and not accepting
them where they are on theirjourney.
Brad (25:12):
Yeah.
Kate (25:12):
And honoring it.
You're not.
Brad (25:15):
Yeah, I agree.
Kate (25:16):
And I think that's something you need to recognize
if you are feeling this hugepush to educate and change your
family.
Yep, I would challenge where'sthat anxiety coming?
Brad (25:30):
from yeah, I agree, I agree, but I think there are
times that we see that anxietyin the other person right, and
that we see them kind of comingat you.
With this tension, with this,you have to change your belief
(25:52):
or else kind of thing, and Ithink that's where we do need to
put up boundaries.
Yeah.
Right and I'll link it in thepodcast or on the show notes.
We did a podcast specificallyon creating boundaries just a
couple of weeks ago and kind oftalk through the five steps of
creating boundaries.
(26:13):
That might be helpful if you'rethinking through that, where
really it's trying to make themclear and not apologize for them
and to be prepared for bothyour and their emotional
backlash when it happens.
In short, right we go into alot more in the other podcast,
(26:33):
but it's hard.
Creating those boundaries isreally difficult.
Kate (26:36):
Well, and I would say, if you're on the end of where we
are, like obviously going upwith our parents, aunts and
uncles, if you still havegrandparents, like setting a
boundary, that end is harderbecause there's obviously
already dynamics and establishedthings for us when we're
(26:58):
entering the stage getting closeto of empty nesters and you
know, our children creating anddeciding their own personal
lives.
I think when, like my advicewould be, of course, we haven't
done this yet.
So, as you're seeing thingshappening that can divide,
(27:19):
that's when to put theboundaries up correct, right,
not to wait until it's the otherway.
Yeah, and your kids are havingto say mom and dad like this is
really hard.
I don't like it when we gettogether because da-da-da-da-da.
Because I feel railroaded orwhatever Right, or whatever, and
so I just think it can lookvery different whether we're
(27:39):
talking going upwards or or down.
Brad (27:42):
That's a really good point , okay, but on that thought and
this is where I wanted to get toanywhere there are probably
some people listening to thiswho have this situation in their
home or even in their marriagewhere they disagree with their
spouse and that, I think, is aharder issue right.
(28:08):
Because now we're talking about.
How does this impact yourintimacy, your relationship,
your communication?
And we're not just talking abouthow you vote.
I think it's not probably ahuge deal on if you voted
different.
It's probably more that stuffwe were talking about before of.
(28:28):
I truly believe this otherperson is bad, evil, wrong and
you're supporting that.
Kate (28:35):
Or the big.
What do they call them?
The big issues?
Brad (28:39):
the hot topics.
Kate (28:41):
I think it can be that too , not even because I'm voting
for that not the party Right.
That's important to me.
Brad (28:47):
So, whether it be abortion or you, know, yeah, things like
that.
Anything like that.
That's like you're thinking ofthis and now the person is is
disagreeing with you.
You know, immigration, abortion, economics, lgbtq, like
whatever that view is yeah, thenit feels like they're slamming
(29:10):
that belief that you may have.
Kate (29:14):
I think, okay, you know my favorite thing to go to if you
and your spouse have differentthoughts on hot button issues.
There's story there.
Of course, my favorite thing togo to if you and your spouse
have different thoughts on hotbutton issues.
There's story there.
Of course, right, there arereasons, and I think, more than
the way you feel you need tovote because of them, it's
important for your intimacy tounderstand where they come from,
(29:36):
why they're important, and so Ithink figuring that out is
important, because then you canat least say I know where this
comes from, for my spouse.
I still feel differently aboutit, but I can honor that they
feel differently.
Right and no offense.
But we got married because wefound our spouse attractive and
(30:00):
enjoyed them.
We didn't marry ourselves.
None of us did, and thankgoodness right.
Let's just contemplate that fora second.
And so the beauty of why we gotmarried is a part of this, and
sometimes it's hard because wedo have different thoughts.
I'm sure you've had differentthoughts on parenting your kids
or different thoughts on what todo with your finances, like
(30:23):
this isn't the first thingyou've ever had different
thoughts on, and it should notdivide you, right?
And of course, some of thosethings divide people as well.
The things I just named can bethings that get a couple very
stuck, but this should get us nomore stuck than anything else,
and if it's truly getting youstuck, honestly I would say
(30:46):
reach out to a coach you know,aldridge Ministries, we do that
here so that you can understandthe story behind it and be able
to enter in with empathy, evenif you disagree.
Brad (30:57):
That's, and I think that's really wise, because you are
exactly correct.
There are reasons behindsomebody is passionate about gun
control or freedom to bear arms, that they're passionate about
abolishing abortion or havingabortion right.
(31:18):
That they have these beliefsthere and, yes, of course, some
of them go back to our, yourfaith belief and that's
perfectly okay, yeah and shouldlike I.
I truly believe our faithshould color our politics
choices.
(31:38):
You know, maybe that's the bestway to put it.
I believe it should have animpact there.
And yet I think we also have tolook at who Jesus is, not just
what.
Kate (31:55):
The hot button issue is that, whatever's going on right
and look at how he engaged thehot button issues of his time,
because there were lots.
It's there were, and they'renot all that different from
today, um, and he engaged them,yes, with truth, but also with
(32:16):
grace, kindness, compassion,right complex.
Grace, kindness, compassion,right Complex.
And so is this.
It's just not simple.
Brad (32:26):
But I love that.
I love to give kind of the hopepiece there that if you're
finding you're truly in aconflict space with somebody who
you really want to buildintimacy, going into that deeper
understanding for both of youis probably a really good effort
to try to get to.
(32:47):
You know let's get behind whythis is actually here.
Kate (32:51):
Yeah, let's not let it divide us, let's let it actually
grow us.
Brad (32:56):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that.
That's really good.
So here is hoping for all ofyou that you're able to navigate
this election season well withyour family, regardless of who
wins, and that we can respectthe differences that we have and
learn how to come together inthe places that we're similar.
(33:20):
Yeah, for sure.
Because there's probably a lotmore that joins us than divides
us.
Kate (33:26):
Yeah, and just you know, for the funny, as I was looking
up, as we were talking realquick, you know, because Mickey
Mouse gets a certain amount ofvotes every year.
So, there's always that option.
Guys Just kidding, and actuallyJesus gets a ton of votes.
Oh, my gosh so does God.
So you know?
And Mickey Mouse technicallycan't be voted for because he's
not actually a real.
(33:47):
Did you know?
He's not actually a real person?
Brad (33:49):
He's not.
We're breaking that out, guys.
I'm not sure Jesus can win theelection, so that's probably a
problem, I mean you know,there's so many things.
Kate (33:57):
We could go into all of this, but there's always a
write-in, so you could alwayswrite in somebody.
Brad (34:02):
No, I think that's actually really valid.
One of our kids, who willremain nameless, was thinking
about not—.
Kate (34:09):
I mean, they have names, we're just not sharing them.
Brad (34:11):
Yeah, was thinking about not voting and I gave a pretty
passionate thing of—you've heardthis before.
Kate (34:20):
It is your right and privilege.
Brad (34:21):
I have said, it's your right and privilege to vote.
You do not have to vote for themajor candidates, and not
voting only communicates to themajor candidates that you don't
care when.
Kate (34:36):
Voting for somebody else communicates at least that
you're dissatisfied with what'swell what the current options
are, and of course, each sidewill say democrat and
republicans, you're just givingyour vote to the other side
doesn't matter but here's mything.
That may be the way it worksstatistically, but that's not
(34:56):
right.
If you don't feel like you canvote for either candidate, I
don't.
I don't think you need to getstuck there.
I think you need to exerciseyour right to vote.
And you know you had aconversation we'll say it this
way that that child was male.
I had a conversation withanother child we have two of
each, so you can pretend tofigure it out if you want but
(35:19):
with one of our daughters whoalso was like I'm not, I'm not
going to vote.
And I said you know, sweetheart, it hasn't been that long that
women could not vote.
Like we sometimes forget thehistory of and even in the
United States, some atrociousthings we've done of keeping
different groups of people frombeing able to vote and have a
(35:42):
say.
And I just said you know thereare people in the past who
fought for you specifically tovote, and we have a black son
too, so there are people whofought specifically for that
kiddo to vote.
Like there is a piece ofregister to vote and stand up
for the right that you get tohave this honor because other
(36:05):
people some people lost theirlives were beaten for this Like
it's no joke.
Brad (36:10):
Yes.
Kate (36:11):
And it is an honor.
Brad (36:13):
And since we are on that topic, I will say it is 50 years
, only 50 years today that womengot the right to have credit on
their own name.
Kate (36:26):
Oh, so like buying a house , and credit cards that they did
not have to have their husbandsign with them 50 years, guys,
only 50 years, no offense.
But I'm, I said, late 40s.
We'll just be honest.
I'm 47.
Yep, that was only three yearsbefore I was born.
Brad (36:42):
Yeah right, that's insane.
So women owning businesses,women owning their own home, did
not happen in this country morethan 50 years ago, or was very
rare because it was hard forthem to get credit.
Kate (36:53):
What did they do with single women?
Brad (36:55):
They had to get their fathers or brothers to sign, or
their uncle or someone.
Kate (37:02):
They had to have a cosigner.
Can you even like and I thinksometimes I'm starting to sound
like an old person, but I thinkour younger generation has no
idea.
They don't realize how recentsome of this stuff was, and even
myself I've read that statisticbefore, but I don't think I
correlated it to my own life.
Brad (37:19):
And there is a reality that part of the reason it
happened only 50 years ago wasbecause prior to 50 years ago we
weren't using credit in thesame way that we use it now.
So, there is some elements tothat, but I think it's just so
important to remember that thatright wasn't there.
(37:39):
And it's only through votingfor change that happens over
time, that that happened.
Kate (37:46):
Yeah, yeah.
Anyways, guys, there's ourlittle history buff.
Brad (37:51):
There's the history buff part of me.
Kate (37:53):
Yeah, we have it.
It's very strong.
The history buff is strong inthis family.
Yes, it is so well.
Brad (38:01):
I hope that was helpful.
I know there are so many of youwho are wrestling with this
really divisive issue of what todo with family members, who are
just coming from the differentpolitical spectrum and we just
so believe in the power of unityand intimacy and this process
(38:24):
of becoming one as a couplespecifically.
Obviously, we're mostly talkingabout marriage when we say
still becoming one, but there isa place of you know what does
it mean to walk in intimacy withour community, with our family?
That is also important, and sowe hope that this encourages you
(38:45):
, gives you maybe some ideas andto continue growing in your
journey of becoming one.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate (38:55):
I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad (39:25):
Be kind and take care of each other, and don't forget to
like this episode wherever youget your podcasts, and be sure
to follow us to continue yourjourney on still becoming one.
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