March 26, 2025 • 35 mins
Relationship conflict is inevitable, but the key to healthy relationships lies in effective repair—acknowledging impact and taking responsibility rather than just saying, "sorry you were hurt."
• Conflict in relationships is normal, but repair is essential for rebuilding connection
• There's a critical difference between "I'm sorry you were hurt" and "I'm sorry I hurt you"
• Effective repair involves listening well, owning your impact, and discussing future changes
• Different personalities seek different things in apologies—understanding your partner's needs is crucial
• Managing different perceptions of reality without arguing about "facts" helps resolve conflicts
• Forgiveness involves acknowledging harm and choosing not to require payment for it
• Modeling good repair with children teaches them relationship skills for their future
• Repairing doesn't always mean changing your decision, but it does mean acknowledging the impact
• The sooner we repair, the smaller our relationship ruptures remain
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Welcome back.
Brad Aldrich (00:37):
We're glad that you're here with us.
Kate Aldrich (00:40):
Yeah, this is a mid-afternoon taping, so we can
see if it's somewhere in betweenthe morning, when coffee is
just getting flowing for Brad,or the evening, when the night
owl is chatty.
Yep, yep chatty For me, it'sjust kind of the same all the
time oh yeah, right, yeah, yeah.
(01:01):
Wait, what are you saying?
Brad Aldrich (01:03):
You don't have any ups and downs whatsoever.
The fact that this is.
Tuesday, because you didn'twant to tape yesterday.
Kate Aldrich (01:12):
That was not the case.
You offered.
You said we don't have to, Icould tell you weren't feeling
great I was not feeling good,but that doesn't have to do with
my morning tea, or whatever.
No, I just knew we were goingto get a very I said I'm not,
I'm not very peppy yeah, but I'mglad you're feeling better
today yeah, I think I'm kind ofpeppy most times, unless
(01:35):
something has made me not feelpeppy.
Yeah, so, anyways, there youhave it.
Brad Aldrich (01:41):
So it's sunny here in lancaster is and we're in a
busy season of spring and forone of our kiddos, spring
musical.
Kate Aldrich (01:51):
I was like are we?
Brad Aldrich (01:52):
Yeah, yeah, Things going on, yeah, life is just.
Kate Aldrich (01:57):
it's good, but it's just like moving along, it
just keeps moving.
Brad Aldrich (02:00):
Yeah, there's always things.
Kate Aldrich (02:01):
Some things in life feel like they take forever
, and then others it just yeah.
I was working on our nextkiddo's graduation card and she
just got accepted.
Well, she got accepted to thecollege she wanted to a while
ago but then got accepted evenfurther into their honors
program and was super excitedyesterday.
So it's just been.
(02:22):
It's been crazy that we'relaunching a third kiddo.
Brad Aldrich (02:26):
Yes, we are.
Kate Aldrich (02:27):
It's crazy.
Brad Aldrich (02:28):
In just a couple months so.
Kate Aldrich (02:30):
And in just a couple weeks we're going to see
the first kiddo graduate collegeand it's just.
It's fun, but it's also crazy.
I don't know.
I don't know where you are, inwhat stage of life, but when
they were small it was like thiswill never happen.
Brad Aldrich (02:47):
This will take forever.
Kate Aldrich (02:48):
And when it does happen, I won't be the age that
I should be right, I'm still 27.
Brad Aldrich (02:56):
That's what I tell everybody In your mind.
Kate Aldrich (02:57):
Yes, Well, yes, sometimes my body does not agree
, but I just don't think ofmyself as my age.
I don't know what that saysabout me.
Brad Aldrich (03:06):
I think that's pretty typical in this stage
what age do you think you are?
I'm just gonna move right onfrom that, no.
Kate Aldrich (03:13):
I mean, like, what age do you see yourself as?
Brad Aldrich (03:16):
um probably 10 years younger than I am always
so it is progressing just slowerthan.
Kate Aldrich (03:23):
I gotcha Interesting.
Yeah, I mean I love thisversion of myself because I
think I'm more me than I everhave been.
So getting old and goingthrough doing story work and
different types of therapy havebeen super helpful, so I'm
thankful for that, but I stilljust think I'm really young.
(03:45):
You are yeah, but that would beweird because my kids are
graduating from college, so thatwould be weird, right.
Brad Aldrich (03:57):
Anyways.
So what are we talking abouttoday?
So we're talking about this,honestly, really important topic
that we have.
A lot of couples come intalking to us about conflict and
they'll even start coaching orthey'll, you know, working with
us because they feel like theyhave a lot of conflict.
(04:17):
And one of the things that wesay right off the bat in
conflict is it's not abnormal,it's okay that there is conflict
.
The key is to hopefully doconflict well and to make sure
that you repair well.
(04:38):
And I think that repair topic,that repair part, is something
that many couples miss.
They don't really even knowwhat repair looks like.
It's this thing of either weforget it and just kind of move
(04:58):
on or we keep arguing about itand that's about it.
Those are the options, and Ithink a lot of times people feel
like repair means somebody hasto own that they were wrong and
you know, deal with.
I was wrong.
(05:18):
And all of that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (05:20):
Yeah, yeah, I also was sitting here thinking like
we've tried to help our kidsrepair.
Well, I think, hopefully,setting them up for learning how
to repair, not only in marriageshould that be what they choose
but also just in relationshipright, the important
(05:41):
relationships in our lives it'simportant to repair.
It's even important to repairin some that we may not value as
super important, but, forwhatever reason, our jobs or
whatever those are people in ourlives that are there and, yeah,
it's important to be able tolearn the skill.
It's not easy.
Brad Aldrich (06:02):
No, it isn't.
And we were talking about thistopic right before we started
and I said you know we need totalk about the fine line, but
the huge difference between I'msorry I hurt you and I'm sorry
something I said caused hurt,right Like there's like the
(06:26):
words are very similar, but theintent is entirely different.
Kate Aldrich (06:31):
Well, I think that's what people were taught
for years.
If, like, someone says that youhurt them and you didn't mean
to that's not what you intendedto do.
Then you replied I'm sorry whatI did, I'm sorry you were hurt
by that.
Brad Aldrich (06:46):
Yeah, I'm sorry you were hurt by that.
Kate Aldrich (06:47):
Putting responsibility on them.
Brad Aldrich (06:50):
Yeah, and it's exactly right.
It's like, well, I'm sorry thatyou were hurt by my truth or my
thing or whatever, and justlike you shouldn't have been you
know you shouldn't be hurt bythat, so, um, but that's
actually not repair.
And yet here's the other side,right?
(07:11):
I think a lot of people couplesfeel like they have to take
full responsibility and totallyagree with their spouse in order
to repair.
Hmm.
Kate Aldrich (07:24):
Yeah, I get.
Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
Or totally take responsibilityfor your piece.
Brad Aldrich (07:30):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (07:32):
I don't think it always means totally take
responsibility for the wholeinteraction.
Brad Aldrich (07:39):
But I've even heard people kind of say well,
you doing this caused me to dothis kind of thing, so putting
it back on the other person.
Kate Aldrich (07:49):
Oh, we've never heard that from our teenagers.
Brad Aldrich (07:51):
Never.
Kate Aldrich (07:52):
Or from adults, or does it?
We did it in the beginning ofour marriage.
I won't just blame teenagers,right, and what is our line to
them all the time?
Unless somebody had a gun toyour head, you have other
options.
Correct, right, and so it's.
And I mean that's extreme andwe're not.
Brad Aldrich (08:09):
You know, that's kind of a gruesome, but it's
gruesome example, but it's likeremember, you always have
options, you have choices andyou need to yeah, you need to
recognize them and and one ofthe things I've been saying a
lot is the car accident kind ofmetaphor, right, If you're
driving and you end up having anaccident.
(08:33):
We call them accidents becausewe didn't intend for them to
happen and there's usuallysomebody is at fault in an
accident.
Something happened thatshouldn't have and it caused
some harm and the person whocaused that harm did not intend
(08:57):
for it to happen.
But they have to takeresponsibility for it.
And then you know there isinsurance or whatever to make
that right.
Kate Aldrich (09:06):
Right Sure.
Brad Aldrich (09:07):
So it's we have to step back from intent.
Obviously, if somebody isintending to hurt you, intending
to do something you know meanwrong, whatever, there's a
different place of hurt in thatthat comes with different
conversation.
Kate Aldrich (09:24):
That needs to happen.
Brad Aldrich (09:26):
But I think we need to get past that and go
okay.
Something that I did, somethingthat I said, hurt the person
that I care about and I didn'tintend to hurt them, but I need
to recognize that it happened.
Kate Aldrich (09:44):
Yeah, and it really is just being able to say
like I honor that what I didhurt you.
I didn't want to hurt you andI'm owning that I did and how
can I do it differently in thefuture.
So we kind of usually break itdown if it's listening well to
someone sharing how what you didimpacted them, not refuting it
(10:09):
right, just listening and thenbeing able to acknowledge what
they've said and ask for how inthe future it could be better.
Brad Aldrich (10:18):
So all right, but I do want to say I think there
are different personalities inwhat people are looking for in
that repair Right, and so a fewof the things that you just said
are a little bit in what you'relooking for in that apology.
Kate Aldrich (10:41):
I don't think so Honestly.
I'm just going to argue withyou because people apparently
like it.
I actually prefer for people toown the impact of what they've
done.
Brad Aldrich (10:52):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (10:53):
Not just tell me they agree with me and want to
do something in the future.
I don't actually even rightLike, unless someone's
repeatedly offended me, I don'tthink about the future.
I trust people to try and dothings differently, but I think
that's the reason I give peoplethat equation is because it's
(11:14):
pretty clear.
Yes, there's going to be somepersonality differences and we
can talk about a resource thatwe often send people to that
helps them understand a littlebit more about themselves in
that.
But what I say is like we haveto be able to hear someone.
So that means listening, well,not interrupting, not, but but
(11:36):
but not explaining, right, andthen you owning it somehow,
however that looks like, um, youknow, repeating back what they
said or whatever, and then Iguess it's more asking them is
there something I can do in thefuture?
It's not necessarily that youhave to, but that is the
equation I often give peoplebecause it's pretty concrete.
Brad Aldrich (11:59):
You're not wrong that certain people might be
looking for different things inthere, and I think that's where
sometimes the conflict ends up,you know, coming back again,
right, like when somebody'strying to even apologize.
Then sometimes the argumentcomes back because one person's
(12:22):
looking for something a littledifferent in the apology or in
the repair than they werereceiving.
I think for me, right I tend tolook for do you understand why
I was hurt, where I think youtend to be a little bit more of?
I want you to takeresponsibility for no.
Kate Aldrich (12:43):
No, I'm the.
Can you own the impact of whatyou've done?
Brad Aldrich (12:48):
Okay, how is that different than take
responsibility for?
Help me to understand that.
Kate Aldrich (12:55):
It's just different.
Ha ha, it is.
It's more like yes, I broke thejar is responsibility.
Yes, it was me.
I understand breaking the jar.
That was something reallyimportant to you and it that's
(13:16):
the part that's hard, not justthat I broke a jar.
Brad Aldrich (13:19):
I'm just giving some example.
No, no, no, that's actually agood explanation.
So it is the impact of thething that happened, not
necessarily that it happened.
Right, okay.
Kate Aldrich (13:33):
But I want to go back, though, to my equation,
because very rarely do we findpeople are doing all three of
those steps.
Well, I understand you'retalking about the personality
nuances, and I do think we needto talk about them, but
sometimes you're going to berepairing with someone at work.
You're not going to know theirpersonality.
(13:54):
Right In marriage.
Absolutely, we need to knowwhat our spouse is looking for
with your children.
You need to be trying to figurethat out.
But I think in generic, otherrelationships, repair is also
important and I think followingthat is a good guideline.
I also going back to what Isaid, I think we find a lot of
couples where they're like ohyeah, well, I struggled to
(14:15):
listen.
Well, right, I'm thinking aboutwhat I'm going to refute or how
I'm going to rebut this or whatI'm going to say.
So I still think those arereally good principles.
Brad Aldrich (14:26):
All right, so go through what your three steps
for repair are.
Kate Aldrich (14:30):
Again.
Yeah, okay, listen well.
Brad Aldrich (14:33):
Listen well.
Kate Aldrich (14:34):
Right.
Listening well to me is notinterjecting, not sitting there
and just forming your rebuttal.
It's just listening and hearingthem, hearing their heart and
then owning it.
Whatever that looks like To mewith you, I try now to own the
(14:56):
action and the impact.
I think in a marriage that'sreally important anyways, like I
can see how that hurt you.
I won't do that part again,those kinds of things.
So it's owning it, but I alsothink, thinking about how it
impacted the person.
And then are there steps forthe future that I need to make,
(15:19):
which I feel like those threesteps.
Then use quite a few of theapology languages that Gary
Chapman came agree with that.
Brad Aldrich (15:40):
The part that I'm sitting here thinking about and
I don't have any perfect exampleand it's somewhat similar to
your jar example I think I'malways looking for, do you
understand?
And I'm not meaning you as inyou Like, does the other?
Person understand why I'm hurtor upset or whatever.
(16:05):
I'm looking for that piece ofinsight that, I think, is that's
what keeps me kind of going oflike wait, have you?
Did you actually get it?
right and um, I think that'ssometimes the piece, for me,
that is missing when we'retalking about.
(16:27):
You know one of our kids doingsomething, or you know, whatever
that I go wait, do you actuallyunderstand why I was hurt?
Do you understand why I washurt?
Do you understand why I wasupset and trying to get that
piece across?
And I will say this is why yourfirst step of listening well is
so important, because theperson will tell you what
(16:52):
they're looking for, what theyneed, right.
It's just we often don't hearit because we are looking to
defend ourselves.
We're looking for explainingwhy I did something right, and I
think I get caught in thatbecause I actually want to
understand why somebody didsomething.
(17:13):
So if I'm the one making repairnow, I'm going to try to
explain why I did it, which cansound like an excuse Sure, right
, but I do think it's importantthat we stop and we listen and
we recognize I I get somethingthat I said hurt you.
Mm-hmm.
(17:34):
Obviously, we need to talkthrough it and help me to
understand, help me to you know,because what we're saying in
that first part especially is Iwant to repair this with you.
Kate Aldrich (17:49):
Right yeah.
Brad Aldrich (17:50):
And I think that is honestly a really important
part is honestly a reallyimportant part.
When I think aboutrelationships or conflicts that
have not repaired well with youknow, people outside of my
family, kind of thing, thebiggest thing that I think is
missing is their desire toactually hear and actually
(18:22):
listen to anything that they mayhave done.
Kate Aldrich (18:29):
Yeah, but that's why that first one is so
important, as we said, becausewe're not going to enter.
Here's the challenge to besomeone who repairs well and
someone who is willing to repair, you have to be willing to
listen, and I think a lot oftimes people don't realize that.
People just put distancebecause they don't think you can
actually hold it well.
Brad Aldrich (18:48):
Yeah, no, that's exactly right.
Kate Aldrich (18:52):
You will just make excuses, you will just say
that's exactly right so I andpeople will often say and I
honor this like, well, what do Ido?
And, especially as a parent,guys, we, we have experienced
this.
Although we right, we try tohonor whatever our kids come
with, their reality is theirreality.
(19:13):
So when two people arerepairing, we do have two
different realities.
However, this is what I haveshared with people, especially
with parenting, with marriage,it's a little different, and
especially also with otherrelationships.
We listen well, we enter intounderstanding, saying we
(19:35):
understand, we own our part, weunderstand how it hurt people,
that kind of thing.
And then we ask about thefuture, how can we make this
different?
And then people will say, well,what do I do if that's not
actually how it happened?
Right, because we have yourreality and the person who's
repairing.
And that's when I say that isdepending on who you're dealing
(19:57):
with as parents.
That is when I talk to my coach, talk to my spouse, talk to my
best friend, not in a gossip way, not in a way of can you
believe what my kid said.
No, in a way of saying this wasa really hard conversation.
My kiddos reality was thisright, like this is how it
(20:18):
played out for them.
It's hard for me because whenit was occurring, this is how I
saw it playing out.
Right, we do need a place toprocess that, but we don't
process that with our kid.
We don't say, hey, that's great, johnny, but that's actually
not how it happened.
Right, we process that with ourtherapist, our coach, our good
(20:41):
close, those close people thatyou share all of life with, not
everybody.
Right, your kid wants to feellike things are safe.
Your spouse.
Now, if it's with your spouseand you're trying to figure that
out like I don't know, I don'thave as much of a problem.
Sometimes I guess we get thereof like, well, that's not how I
(21:02):
saw it happening, but I canusually just say, well, we just
we just experienced that verydifferently.
Brad Aldrich (21:10):
And I think that is a reality that's hard for
some people of like.
No, I had a totally differentexperience of that and,
recognizing that bothexperiences are true, the
person's not.
Okay, let me back up and saythe person is very rarely trying
to manipulate you intobelieving a different reality.
(21:33):
Yes, it happens, but we throwaround the word narcissism a
whole lot more than is actuallyreal.
What we're seeing is adifferent perception of a
situation, not somebody's tryingto get you to believe something
totally different than whatactually happened.
(21:53):
So when we have differentperceptions, we have to
recognize the other person isgoing to have seen our actions,
our inactions, our words withdifferent intent and processing.
And I always say to coupleslook, we don't have to argue
(22:14):
about the facts.
Kate Aldrich (22:15):
The facts actually don't matter.
Brad Aldrich (22:18):
Well, there's three sets of them.
Right, there's hers, his andwhat actually happened.
If you happened to have a videorecording of the event that
most people don't get, that,right there is arguing about.
You said this, you, you saidthis.
It just doesn't matter.
(22:40):
And.
I want to say that because Ithink there are some people who
get so hung up on the words thatwere used, the things that you
did to hurt me, and it gets sointo the nitty gritty and it's
just not helpful.
And actually trying to workthrough the issue right, the
(23:03):
larger issue of I felt this whenwe were talking, I felt
dismissed.
When we were talking, I feltlike you didn't really want to
hear me or whatever caused theconflict.
That's the more important thingthan the specific.
I can't believe you said this X, y, z word.
Kate Aldrich (23:22):
Sure, and I think that doesn't mean, when it's
your opportunity to share, thatfacts can't be part of it.
Right?
It's not, I think, what you'retrying to say, if I'm
understanding correctly, it'snot worth going back and forth.
Well, no, I said that like no.
The word I actually used wasthis and you know like,
sometimes, you know, danAllender says, the founder of
(23:45):
StoryWorks like facts don'tactually matter, intent doesn't
actually matter.
When harm happens and that'svery true and when we get hung
up on them, we're not actuallytrying to repair, we're trying
to be right, or the one whodidn't offend, or whatever it
may be, the focus is on thewrong place.
I think that's what's key.
(24:06):
Now I will also add because Ialways feel like people ask
these kinds of things with yourkiddos it doesn't mean that we
don't parent right, correct,Like it doesn't mean that maybe
the decision you had to makestill has to stand, but you can
(24:26):
listen and honor that that wasreally hard, that that really
hurt, you know, and you can say,you can sit with them and say I
hear you, I see, I see how thatwas really hurtful and I'm
really sorry.
I could have handled myselfbetter, I should have said
different things.
Whatever it might be, you knowyour dad and I will talk about
(24:48):
it.
Or or you like, right, we'lltalk about it and see.
And sometimes you're going tocome back and say, like our
decision still stands, we stillthink that's the wisest thing,
even though you weren't wrong inhow I handled myself.
Brad Aldrich (25:02):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (25:03):
So I just don't want all the parents out there
to be like oh.
So if a kiddo says like, hey,this is what I think, then I
don't my, because I didn'tnecessarily I did it in a way
that was hurtful, maybe itwasn't intended to be that, then
I have to change my mind.
No but we do have to own thehurt.
Brad Aldrich (25:23):
Yeah, no, I agree with that.
I think yeah, and that is whatmakes this hard right, and I
think we have to recognize thatrepair is difficult.
It is going to be emotional forboth people, because what you're
doing is being vulnerableenough by saying I'm hurt, that
(25:47):
really what we're doing isletting our shield down to say I
could be hurt again, right.
And our tendency is, when we'rehurt, to push back, to fight
back, to put our shield up, toput our guard up, and and that
makes this really hard- oranother one that's a little
tricky is to make the otherperson start taking care of us.
True.
Kate Aldrich (26:09):
Right, we're hurt, we know.
We kind of feel that check inour spirit, and so then we, our
defense mechanism is to makethem switch and have to take
care of us.
Brad Aldrich (26:24):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (26:24):
That's a really hard one.
A lot of kids talk about it,right, Like I brought something
to my parent and then my parentwas crying.
I'm not saying you can't haveemotions, but you keep
reiterating to your kiddo or toyour spouse this is hard for me
right now, but you don't have tomake it better.
I needed to hear this.
(26:45):
It's okay.
My emotions aren't becauseyou've done something wrong.
Right, Like trying to help themunderstand what you did in this
process is really good.
It's all okay if we feel thingsabout it.
Yeah.
So that's one that I thinksneaky and people realize a lot.
Brad Aldrich (27:03):
It's really hard.
So where does the role offorgiveness enter, this part of
having repair in a relationship?
Kate Aldrich (27:14):
That's a great question.
Part of having repair in arelationship, that's a great
question.
I mean, with the resource fromGary Chapman, like he actually
has forgiveness as one of thefive.
So for some people it's reallyimportant and I think as parents
when our kids are young, a lotof times we push that
(27:38):
Forgiveness is a heart thing andit is something we need to
enter into if we're holdingsomething.
But for some people the processreally isn't about I forgive
you, but for some people it is.
So I don't know.
I mean, what would you say?
Brad Aldrich (27:50):
I guess the place where I come is we have to have
a better understanding of whatreal forgiveness is.
Right.
So that helps, because I thinksome people still get stuck in
the forgive and forget mentalityRight Like, so forgiveness
means it's disappeared, kind ofidea where that's really not
(28:12):
what forgiveness is.
You know, forgiveness is thisidea of I do have a full account
of how that harm happened, I'mcounting the cost of that harm
and I'm choosing for you not tohave to pay for that cost.
So that accounting ahead oftime I think is an important
(28:36):
part of the formula that I thinksometimes gets missed.
We just want to go okay, Iforgive you and move on as if
something didn't happen, wherereally what we're doing is
releasing when something didhappen and harm happened.
When something did happen andharm happened, we're releasing
the idea of restitution that theperson has to make it up to us
(29:00):
that they now owe us becausethat happened, or any of those
kind of things, so I think it isimportant in a relationship,
but we have to figure out how todo it well.
Kate Aldrich (29:18):
Sure, absolutely, and I'm not suggesting that we
don't do it.
I'm just saying sometimes it'sa conversation between people,
sometimes it doesn't need to be.
Brad Aldrich (29:27):
No, I would agree.
I think there are times wherewe recognize you know, something
in a conversation ended uphurting somebody, we go oh man,
I did not intend to hurt youthat way I'm really sorry that I
did Help me to understand.
(29:48):
So I know the stories behind whythat hurt.
Right, help me to understandthat.
Okay, I'm going to work reallyhard to try and avoid that in
the future.
Right, help me to understandthat.
Okay, I'm going to work reallyhard to try and avoid that in
the future.
Right, like that, and that maybe enough period.
Right, that we don't have to goto.
Please forgive me, but I thinkit can be adding to that part of
(30:09):
you.
Know, please forgive me forcausing that hurt.
Kate Aldrich (30:15):
I'm going to try to do it differently, yeah, and
I think this is where we wouldsuggest you go to Gary Chapman's
Apology Languages and take thefree quiz.
It's combining a lot ofdifferent things understanding
that about you, but it'simportant to understand what
you're looking for, and thething that I would add to it is
(30:35):
it comes from your story.
Brad Aldrich (30:37):
Yeah, oh, it absolutely does.
Kate Aldrich (30:39):
What you're looking for from friends, family
, spouse, kids.
When there is something that ishurtful or offensive, what are
you looking for?
And you'd be surprised.
You're probably like well, youprobably think everybody's
looking for the same thing, butthe thing Gary Chapman is good
(30:59):
at is boiling it down to five.
Brad Aldrich (31:02):
Right and there are differences, but it's true.
Yeah, can even have withoutspecifics like okay, when we are
in a conflict the day after,what do you need?
What do you need in terms ofrepair, what do you need in
terms of, you know, finding thatreconnection?
(31:25):
And is there places where youknow re-talking about it, of
owning it, of asking forforgiveness, of doing something,
of making restitution for it?
Kate Aldrich (31:38):
What's important.
Yeah, I was going to say I havethe five here because when I
took the test, it's expressingregret, which is my top one
accepting responsibility, makingrestitution, genuinely
repenting and requestingforgiveness.
So those are, and actually Ithink I took this.
I was looking at the date Itook this.
Guys, I probably should retakeit.
(31:59):
It was like over 10 years ago.
I think that he might have.
I thought, when we looked him up, like there was one he sort of
edited what his name was, butthat was another time we were
trying to share it with a couple, but anyways, it's a really
good resource to kind ofunderstand what am I looking for
(32:20):
, what really doesn't matter andwhat really does matter to me.
So it's just something weencourage all couples to do, and
then they're like oh, I nevereven really realized that's what
I was asking for.
Like I'm not sure I would haveput it into words, but it is.
So I think it can be a reallyhelpful tool.
Brad Aldrich (32:41):
Yeah, I think it can be as well and I think it
could be a really goodconversation starter, right.
This is one of those date nightthings that you can go in a
just generic way.
What is it that?
You need in order to haverepair, because every couple
needs this skill.
Because conflict does happen,rupture will happen, and the
(33:06):
better we are at repair, thatmeans the sooner we are going to
use those tools, which meansthe ruptures don't get nearly as
big.
Kate Aldrich (33:17):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (33:17):
So I think it's one of those things to keep
talking about.
This obviously isn't easy,right, and yet I think it's a
topic that most couples don'tsit and talk about, but they
probably should, sure.
Kate Aldrich (33:32):
And if you have kids, I think it's something you
can change for the future.
That's something brad and I aretrying to do.
How do we show them that we canrepair?
and our kids are young adultsand teenagers, so it's different
than when you have littles but,even then it's important to say
I hear you that, right likethat, we honor what they have to
(33:55):
say in their voice.
I'm not sure we always did itwell then, I'm not sure we
always do it well now, but weare trying to be intentional.
We are not perfect.
There is definitely conflictand rupture and hurt feelings in
our family at times.
So, but I think the posture ofcan we try to do this
differently is what can impactgenerations for good.
Brad Aldrich (34:18):
Yeah, absolutely, Absolutely.
So hey, that was really good.
I hope you got something out ofthat and some encouragement to
keep talking and repairing inyour relationships.
For sure.
For sure.
We hope that you have a greatrest of your week and we'll be
back next week with more on howyou can continue still becoming
(34:41):
one in your relationships.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (34:49):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Brad Aldrich (34:50):
Be kind and take care of each other.
Still Becoming One is aproduction of Aldrich Ministries
.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia, be sure to visit us at
(35:12):
stillbecomingonecom and don'tforget to like this episode
wherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Welcome back.
Brad Aldrich (00:37):
We're glad that you're here with us.
Kate Aldrich (00:40):
Yeah, this is a mid-afternoon taping, so we can
see if it's somewhere in betweenthe morning, when coffee is
just getting flowing for Brad,or the evening, when the night
owl is chatty.
Yep, yep chatty For me, it'sjust kind of the same all the
time oh yeah, right, yeah, yeah.
(01:01):
Wait, what are you saying?
Brad Aldrich (01:03):
You don't have any ups and downs whatsoever.
The fact that this is.
Tuesday, because you didn'twant to tape yesterday.
Kate Aldrich (01:12):
That was not the case.
You offered.
You said we don't have to, Icould tell you weren't feeling
great I was not feeling good,but that doesn't have to do with
my morning tea, or whatever.
No, I just knew we were goingto get a very I said I'm not,
I'm not very peppy yeah, but I'mglad you're feeling better
today yeah, I think I'm kind ofpeppy most times, unless
(01:35):
something has made me not feelpeppy.
Yeah, so, anyways, there youhave it.
Brad Aldrich (01:41):
So it's sunny here in lancaster is and we're in a
busy season of spring and forone of our kiddos, spring
musical.
Kate Aldrich (01:51):
I was like are we?
Brad Aldrich (01:52):
Yeah, yeah, Things going on, yeah, life is just.
Kate Aldrich (01:57):
it's good, but it's just like moving along, it
just keeps moving.
Brad Aldrich (02:00):
Yeah, there's always things.
Kate Aldrich (02:01):
Some things in life feel like they take forever
, and then others it just yeah.
I was working on our nextkiddo's graduation card and she
just got accepted.
Well, she got accepted to thecollege she wanted to a while
ago but then got accepted evenfurther into their honors
program and was super excitedyesterday.
So it's just been.
(02:22):
It's been crazy that we'relaunching a third kiddo.
Brad Aldrich (02:26):
Yes, we are.
Kate Aldrich (02:27):
It's crazy.
Brad Aldrich (02:28):
In just a couple months so.
Kate Aldrich (02:30):
And in just a couple weeks we're going to see
the first kiddo graduate collegeand it's just.
It's fun, but it's also crazy.
I don't know.
I don't know where you are, inwhat stage of life, but when
they were small it was like thiswill never happen.
Brad Aldrich (02:47):
This will take forever.
Kate Aldrich (02:48):
And when it does happen, I won't be the age that
I should be right, I'm still 27.
Brad Aldrich (02:56):
That's what I tell everybody In your mind.
Kate Aldrich (02:57):
Yes, Well, yes, sometimes my body does not agree
, but I just don't think ofmyself as my age.
I don't know what that saysabout me.
Brad Aldrich (03:06):
I think that's pretty typical in this stage
what age do you think you are?
I'm just gonna move right onfrom that, no.
Kate Aldrich (03:13):
I mean, like, what age do you see yourself as?
Brad Aldrich (03:16):
um probably 10 years younger than I am always
so it is progressing just slowerthan.
Kate Aldrich (03:23):
I gotcha Interesting.
Yeah, I mean I love thisversion of myself because I
think I'm more me than I everhave been.
So getting old and goingthrough doing story work and
different types of therapy havebeen super helpful, so I'm
thankful for that, but I stilljust think I'm really young.
(03:45):
You are yeah, but that would beweird because my kids are
graduating from college, so thatwould be weird, right.
Brad Aldrich (03:57):
Anyways.
So what are we talking abouttoday?
So we're talking about this,honestly, really important topic
that we have.
A lot of couples come intalking to us about conflict and
they'll even start coaching orthey'll, you know, working with
us because they feel like theyhave a lot of conflict.
(04:17):
And one of the things that wesay right off the bat in
conflict is it's not abnormal,it's okay that there is conflict
.
The key is to hopefully doconflict well and to make sure
that you repair well.
(04:38):
And I think that repair topic,that repair part, is something
that many couples miss.
They don't really even knowwhat repair looks like.
It's this thing of either weforget it and just kind of move
(04:58):
on or we keep arguing about itand that's about it.
Those are the options, and Ithink a lot of times people feel
like repair means somebody hasto own that they were wrong and
you know, deal with.
I was wrong.
(05:18):
And all of that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (05:20):
Yeah, yeah, I also was sitting here thinking like
we've tried to help our kidsrepair.
Well, I think, hopefully,setting them up for learning how
to repair, not only in marriageshould that be what they choose
but also just in relationshipright, the important
(05:41):
relationships in our lives it'simportant to repair.
It's even important to repairin some that we may not value as
super important, but, forwhatever reason, our jobs or
whatever those are people in ourlives that are there and, yeah,
it's important to be able tolearn the skill.
It's not easy.
Brad Aldrich (06:02):
No, it isn't.
And we were talking about thistopic right before we started
and I said you know we need totalk about the fine line, but
the huge difference between I'msorry I hurt you and I'm sorry
something I said caused hurt,right Like there's like the
(06:26):
words are very similar, but theintent is entirely different.
Kate Aldrich (06:31):
Well, I think that's what people were taught
for years.
If, like, someone says that youhurt them and you didn't mean
to that's not what you intendedto do.
Then you replied I'm sorry whatI did, I'm sorry you were hurt
by that.
Brad Aldrich (06:46):
Yeah, I'm sorry you were hurt by that.
Kate Aldrich (06:47):
Putting responsibility on them.
Brad Aldrich (06:50):
Yeah, and it's exactly right.
It's like, well, I'm sorry thatyou were hurt by my truth or my
thing or whatever, and justlike you shouldn't have been you
know you shouldn't be hurt bythat, so, um, but that's
actually not repair.
And yet here's the other side,right?
(07:11):
I think a lot of people couplesfeel like they have to take
full responsibility and totallyagree with their spouse in order
to repair.
Hmm.
Kate Aldrich (07:24):
Yeah, I get.
Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
Or totally take responsibilityfor your piece.
Brad Aldrich (07:30):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (07:32):
I don't think it always means totally take
responsibility for the wholeinteraction.
Brad Aldrich (07:39):
But I've even heard people kind of say well,
you doing this caused me to dothis kind of thing, so putting
it back on the other person.
Kate Aldrich (07:49):
Oh, we've never heard that from our teenagers.
Brad Aldrich (07:51):
Never.
Kate Aldrich (07:52):
Or from adults, or does it?
We did it in the beginning ofour marriage.
I won't just blame teenagers,right, and what is our line to
them all the time?
Unless somebody had a gun toyour head, you have other
options.
Correct, right, and so it's.
And I mean that's extreme andwe're not.
Brad Aldrich (08:09):
You know, that's kind of a gruesome, but it's
gruesome example, but it's likeremember, you always have
options, you have choices andyou need to yeah, you need to
recognize them and and one ofthe things I've been saying a
lot is the car accident kind ofmetaphor, right, If you're
driving and you end up having anaccident.
(08:33):
We call them accidents becausewe didn't intend for them to
happen and there's usuallysomebody is at fault in an
accident.
Something happened thatshouldn't have and it caused
some harm and the person whocaused that harm did not intend
(08:57):
for it to happen.
But they have to takeresponsibility for it.
And then you know there isinsurance or whatever to make
that right.
Kate Aldrich (09:06):
Right Sure.
Brad Aldrich (09:07):
So it's we have to step back from intent.
Obviously, if somebody isintending to hurt you, intending
to do something you know meanwrong, whatever, there's a
different place of hurt in thatthat comes with different
conversation.
Kate Aldrich (09:24):
That needs to happen.
Brad Aldrich (09:26):
But I think we need to get past that and go
okay.
Something that I did, somethingthat I said, hurt the person
that I care about and I didn'tintend to hurt them, but I need
to recognize that it happened.
Kate Aldrich (09:44):
Yeah, and it really is just being able to say
like I honor that what I didhurt you.
I didn't want to hurt you andI'm owning that I did and how
can I do it differently in thefuture.
So we kind of usually break itdown if it's listening well to
someone sharing how what you didimpacted them, not refuting it
(10:09):
right, just listening and thenbeing able to acknowledge what
they've said and ask for how inthe future it could be better.
Brad Aldrich (10:18):
So all right, but I do want to say I think there
are different personalities inwhat people are looking for in
that repair Right, and so a fewof the things that you just said
are a little bit in what you'relooking for in that apology.
Kate Aldrich (10:41):
I don't think so Honestly.
I'm just going to argue withyou because people apparently
like it.
I actually prefer for people toown the impact of what they've
done.
Brad Aldrich (10:52):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (10:53):
Not just tell me they agree with me and want to
do something in the future.
I don't actually even rightLike, unless someone's
repeatedly offended me, I don'tthink about the future.
I trust people to try and dothings differently, but I think
that's the reason I give peoplethat equation is because it's
(11:14):
pretty clear.
Yes, there's going to be somepersonality differences and we
can talk about a resource thatwe often send people to that
helps them understand a littlebit more about themselves in
that.
But what I say is like we haveto be able to hear someone.
So that means listening, well,not interrupting, not, but but
(11:36):
but not explaining, right, andthen you owning it somehow,
however that looks like, um, youknow, repeating back what they
said or whatever, and then Iguess it's more asking them is
there something I can do in thefuture?
It's not necessarily that youhave to, but that is the
equation I often give peoplebecause it's pretty concrete.
Brad Aldrich (11:59):
You're not wrong that certain people might be
looking for different things inthere, and I think that's where
sometimes the conflict ends up,you know, coming back again,
right, like when somebody'strying to even apologize.
Then sometimes the argumentcomes back because one person's
(12:22):
looking for something a littledifferent in the apology or in
the repair than they werereceiving.
I think for me, right I tend tolook for do you understand why
I was hurt, where I think youtend to be a little bit more of?
I want you to takeresponsibility for no.
Kate Aldrich (12:43):
No, I'm the.
Can you own the impact of whatyou've done?
Brad Aldrich (12:48):
Okay, how is that different than take
responsibility for?
Help me to understand that.
Kate Aldrich (12:55):
It's just different.
Ha ha, it is.
It's more like yes, I broke thejar is responsibility.
Yes, it was me.
I understand breaking the jar.
That was something reallyimportant to you and it that's
(13:16):
the part that's hard, not justthat I broke a jar.
Brad Aldrich (13:19):
I'm just giving some example.
No, no, no, that's actually agood explanation.
So it is the impact of thething that happened, not
necessarily that it happened.
Right, okay.
Kate Aldrich (13:33):
But I want to go back, though, to my equation,
because very rarely do we findpeople are doing all three of
those steps.
Well, I understand you'retalking about the personality
nuances, and I do think we needto talk about them, but
sometimes you're going to berepairing with someone at work.
You're not going to know theirpersonality.
(13:54):
Right In marriage.
Absolutely, we need to knowwhat our spouse is looking for
with your children.
You need to be trying to figurethat out.
But I think in generic, otherrelationships, repair is also
important and I think followingthat is a good guideline.
I also going back to what Isaid, I think we find a lot of
couples where they're like ohyeah, well, I struggled to
(14:15):
listen.
Well, right, I'm thinking aboutwhat I'm going to refute or how
I'm going to rebut this or whatI'm going to say.
So I still think those arereally good principles.
Brad Aldrich (14:26):
All right, so go through what your three steps
for repair are.
Kate Aldrich (14:30):
Again.
Yeah, okay, listen well.
Brad Aldrich (14:33):
Listen well.
Kate Aldrich (14:34):
Right.
Listening well to me is notinterjecting, not sitting there
and just forming your rebuttal.
It's just listening and hearingthem, hearing their heart and
then owning it.
Whatever that looks like To mewith you, I try now to own the
(14:56):
action and the impact.
I think in a marriage that'sreally important anyways, like I
can see how that hurt you.
I won't do that part again,those kinds of things.
So it's owning it, but I alsothink, thinking about how it
impacted the person.
And then are there steps forthe future that I need to make,
(15:19):
which I feel like those threesteps.
Then use quite a few of theapology languages that Gary
Chapman came agree with that.
Brad Aldrich (15:40):
The part that I'm sitting here thinking about and
I don't have any perfect exampleand it's somewhat similar to
your jar example I think I'malways looking for, do you
understand?
And I'm not meaning you as inyou Like, does the other?
Person understand why I'm hurtor upset or whatever.
(16:05):
I'm looking for that piece ofinsight that, I think, is that's
what keeps me kind of going oflike wait, have you?
Did you actually get it?
right and um, I think that'ssometimes the piece, for me,
that is missing when we'retalking about.
(16:27):
You know one of our kids doingsomething, or you know, whatever
that I go wait, do you actuallyunderstand why I was hurt?
Do you understand why I washurt?
Do you understand why I wasupset and trying to get that
piece across?
And I will say this is why yourfirst step of listening well is
so important, because theperson will tell you what
(16:52):
they're looking for, what theyneed, right.
It's just we often don't hearit because we are looking to
defend ourselves.
We're looking for explainingwhy I did something right, and I
think I get caught in thatbecause I actually want to
understand why somebody didsomething.
(17:13):
So if I'm the one making repairnow, I'm going to try to
explain why I did it, which cansound like an excuse Sure, right
, but I do think it's importantthat we stop and we listen and
we recognize I I get somethingthat I said hurt you.
Mm-hmm.
(17:34):
Obviously, we need to talkthrough it and help me to
understand, help me to you know,because what we're saying in
that first part especially is Iwant to repair this with you.
Kate Aldrich (17:49):
Right yeah.
Brad Aldrich (17:50):
And I think that is honestly a really important
part is honestly a reallyimportant part.
When I think aboutrelationships or conflicts that
have not repaired well with youknow, people outside of my
family, kind of thing, thebiggest thing that I think is
missing is their desire toactually hear and actually
(18:22):
listen to anything that they mayhave done.
Kate Aldrich (18:29):
Yeah, but that's why that first one is so
important, as we said, becausewe're not going to enter.
Here's the challenge to besomeone who repairs well and
someone who is willing to repair, you have to be willing to
listen, and I think a lot oftimes people don't realize that.
People just put distancebecause they don't think you can
actually hold it well.
Brad Aldrich (18:48):
Yeah, no, that's exactly right.
Kate Aldrich (18:52):
You will just make excuses, you will just say
that's exactly right so I andpeople will often say and I
honor this like, well, what do Ido?
And, especially as a parent,guys, we, we have experienced
this.
Although we right, we try tohonor whatever our kids come
with, their reality is theirreality.
(19:13):
So when two people arerepairing, we do have two
different realities.
However, this is what I haveshared with people, especially
with parenting, with marriage,it's a little different, and
especially also with otherrelationships.
We listen well, we enter intounderstanding, saying we
(19:35):
understand, we own our part, weunderstand how it hurt people,
that kind of thing.
And then we ask about thefuture, how can we make this
different?
And then people will say, well,what do I do if that's not
actually how it happened?
Right, because we have yourreality and the person who's
repairing.
And that's when I say that isdepending on who you're dealing
(19:57):
with as parents.
That is when I talk to my coach, talk to my spouse, talk to my
best friend, not in a gossip way, not in a way of can you
believe what my kid said.
No, in a way of saying this wasa really hard conversation.
My kiddos reality was thisright, like this is how it
(20:18):
played out for them.
It's hard for me because whenit was occurring, this is how I
saw it playing out.
Right, we do need a place toprocess that, but we don't
process that with our kid.
We don't say, hey, that's great, johnny, but that's actually
not how it happened.
Right, we process that with ourtherapist, our coach, our good
(20:41):
close, those close people thatyou share all of life with, not
everybody.
Right, your kid wants to feellike things are safe.
Your spouse.
Now, if it's with your spouseand you're trying to figure that
out like I don't know, I don'thave as much of a problem.
Sometimes I guess we get thereof like, well, that's not how I
(21:02):
saw it happening, but I canusually just say, well, we just
we just experienced that verydifferently.
Brad Aldrich (21:10):
And I think that is a reality that's hard for
some people of like.
No, I had a totally differentexperience of that and,
recognizing that bothexperiences are true, the
person's not.
Okay, let me back up and saythe person is very rarely trying
to manipulate you intobelieving a different reality.
(21:33):
Yes, it happens, but we throwaround the word narcissism a
whole lot more than is actuallyreal.
What we're seeing is adifferent perception of a
situation, not somebody's tryingto get you to believe something
totally different than whatactually happened.
(21:53):
So when we have differentperceptions, we have to
recognize the other person isgoing to have seen our actions,
our inactions, our words withdifferent intent and processing.
And I always say to coupleslook, we don't have to argue
(22:14):
about the facts.
Kate Aldrich (22:15):
The facts actually don't matter.
Brad Aldrich (22:18):
Well, there's three sets of them.
Right, there's hers, his andwhat actually happened.
If you happened to have a videorecording of the event that
most people don't get, that,right there is arguing about.
You said this, you, you saidthis.
It just doesn't matter.
(22:40):
And.
I want to say that because Ithink there are some people who
get so hung up on the words thatwere used, the things that you
did to hurt me, and it gets sointo the nitty gritty and it's
just not helpful.
And actually trying to workthrough the issue right, the
(23:03):
larger issue of I felt this whenwe were talking, I felt
dismissed.
When we were talking, I feltlike you didn't really want to
hear me or whatever caused theconflict.
That's the more important thingthan the specific.
I can't believe you said this X, y, z word.
Kate Aldrich (23:22):
Sure, and I think that doesn't mean, when it's
your opportunity to share, thatfacts can't be part of it.
Right?
It's not, I think, what you'retrying to say, if I'm
understanding correctly, it'snot worth going back and forth.
Well, no, I said that like no.
The word I actually used wasthis and you know like,
sometimes, you know, danAllender says, the founder of
(23:45):
StoryWorks like facts don'tactually matter, intent doesn't
actually matter.
When harm happens and that'svery true and when we get hung
up on them, we're not actuallytrying to repair, we're trying
to be right, or the one whodidn't offend, or whatever it
may be, the focus is on thewrong place.
I think that's what's key.
(24:06):
Now I will also add because Ialways feel like people ask
these kinds of things with yourkiddos it doesn't mean that we
don't parent right, correct,Like it doesn't mean that maybe
the decision you had to makestill has to stand, but you can
(24:26):
listen and honor that that wasreally hard, that that really
hurt, you know, and you can say,you can sit with them and say I
hear you, I see, I see how thatwas really hurtful and I'm
really sorry.
I could have handled myselfbetter, I should have said
different things.
Whatever it might be, you knowyour dad and I will talk about
(24:48):
it.
Or or you like, right, we'lltalk about it and see.
And sometimes you're going tocome back and say, like our
decision still stands, we stillthink that's the wisest thing,
even though you weren't wrong inhow I handled myself.
Brad Aldrich (25:02):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (25:03):
So I just don't want all the parents out there
to be like oh.
So if a kiddo says like, hey,this is what I think, then I
don't my, because I didn'tnecessarily I did it in a way
that was hurtful, maybe itwasn't intended to be that, then
I have to change my mind.
No but we do have to own thehurt.
Brad Aldrich (25:23):
Yeah, no, I agree with that.
I think yeah, and that is whatmakes this hard right, and I
think we have to recognize thatrepair is difficult.
It is going to be emotional forboth people, because what you're
doing is being vulnerableenough by saying I'm hurt, that
(25:47):
really what we're doing isletting our shield down to say I
could be hurt again, right.
And our tendency is, when we'rehurt, to push back, to fight
back, to put our shield up, toput our guard up, and and that
makes this really hard- oranother one that's a little
tricky is to make the otherperson start taking care of us.
True.
Kate Aldrich (26:09):
Right, we're hurt, we know.
We kind of feel that check inour spirit, and so then we, our
defense mechanism is to makethem switch and have to take
care of us.
Brad Aldrich (26:24):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (26:24):
That's a really hard one.
A lot of kids talk about it,right, Like I brought something
to my parent and then my parentwas crying.
I'm not saying you can't haveemotions, but you keep
reiterating to your kiddo or toyour spouse this is hard for me
right now, but you don't have tomake it better.
I needed to hear this.
(26:45):
It's okay.
My emotions aren't becauseyou've done something wrong.
Right, Like trying to help themunderstand what you did in this
process is really good.
It's all okay if we feel thingsabout it.
Yeah.
So that's one that I thinksneaky and people realize a lot.
Brad Aldrich (27:03):
It's really hard.
So where does the role offorgiveness enter, this part of
having repair in a relationship?
Kate Aldrich (27:14):
That's a great question.
Part of having repair in arelationship, that's a great
question.
I mean, with the resource fromGary Chapman, like he actually
has forgiveness as one of thefive.
So for some people it's reallyimportant and I think as parents
when our kids are young, a lotof times we push that
(27:38):
Forgiveness is a heart thing andit is something we need to
enter into if we're holdingsomething.
But for some people the processreally isn't about I forgive
you, but for some people it is.
So I don't know.
I mean, what would you say?
Brad Aldrich (27:50):
I guess the place where I come is we have to have
a better understanding of whatreal forgiveness is.
Right.
So that helps, because I thinksome people still get stuck in
the forgive and forget mentalityRight Like, so forgiveness
means it's disappeared, kind ofidea where that's really not
(28:12):
what forgiveness is.
You know, forgiveness is thisidea of I do have a full account
of how that harm happened, I'mcounting the cost of that harm
and I'm choosing for you not tohave to pay for that cost.
So that accounting ahead oftime I think is an important
(28:36):
part of the formula that I thinksometimes gets missed.
We just want to go okay, Iforgive you and move on as if
something didn't happen, wherereally what we're doing is
releasing when something didhappen and harm happened.
When something did happen andharm happened, we're releasing
the idea of restitution that theperson has to make it up to us
(29:00):
that they now owe us becausethat happened, or any of those
kind of things, so I think it isimportant in a relationship,
but we have to figure out how todo it well.
Kate Aldrich (29:18):
Sure, absolutely, and I'm not suggesting that we
don't do it.
I'm just saying sometimes it'sa conversation between people,
sometimes it doesn't need to be.
Brad Aldrich (29:27):
No, I would agree.
I think there are times wherewe recognize you know, something
in a conversation ended uphurting somebody, we go oh man,
I did not intend to hurt youthat way I'm really sorry that I
did Help me to understand.
(29:48):
So I know the stories behind whythat hurt.
Right, help me to understandthat.
Okay, I'm going to work reallyhard to try and avoid that in
the future.
Right, help me to understandthat.
Okay, I'm going to work reallyhard to try and avoid that in
the future.
Right, like that, and that maybe enough period.
Right, that we don't have to goto.
Please forgive me, but I thinkit can be adding to that part of
(30:09):
you.
Know, please forgive me forcausing that hurt.
Kate Aldrich (30:15):
I'm going to try to do it differently, yeah, and
I think this is where we wouldsuggest you go to Gary Chapman's
Apology Languages and take thefree quiz.
It's combining a lot ofdifferent things understanding
that about you, but it'simportant to understand what
you're looking for, and thething that I would add to it is
(30:35):
it comes from your story.
Brad Aldrich (30:37):
Yeah, oh, it absolutely does.
Kate Aldrich (30:39):
What you're looking for from friends, family
, spouse, kids.
When there is something that ishurtful or offensive, what are
you looking for?
And you'd be surprised.
You're probably like well, youprobably think everybody's
looking for the same thing, butthe thing Gary Chapman is good
(30:59):
at is boiling it down to five.
Brad Aldrich (31:02):
Right and there are differences, but it's true.
Yeah, can even have withoutspecifics like okay, when we are
in a conflict the day after,what do you need?
What do you need in terms ofrepair, what do you need in
terms of, you know, finding thatreconnection?
(31:25):
And is there places where youknow re-talking about it, of
owning it, of asking forforgiveness, of doing something,
of making restitution for it?
Kate Aldrich (31:38):
What's important.
Yeah, I was going to say I havethe five here because when I
took the test, it's expressingregret, which is my top one
accepting responsibility, makingrestitution, genuinely
repenting and requestingforgiveness.
So those are, and actually Ithink I took this.
I was looking at the date Itook this.
Guys, I probably should retakeit.
(31:59):
It was like over 10 years ago.
I think that he might have.
I thought, when we looked him up, like there was one he sort of
edited what his name was, butthat was another time we were
trying to share it with a couple, but anyways, it's a really
good resource to kind ofunderstand what am I looking for
(32:20):
, what really doesn't matter andwhat really does matter to me.
So it's just something weencourage all couples to do, and
then they're like oh, I nevereven really realized that's what
I was asking for.
Like I'm not sure I would haveput it into words, but it is.
So I think it can be a reallyhelpful tool.
Brad Aldrich (32:41):
Yeah, I think it can be as well and I think it
could be a really goodconversation starter, right.
This is one of those date nightthings that you can go in a
just generic way.
What is it that?
You need in order to haverepair, because every couple
needs this skill.
Because conflict does happen,rupture will happen, and the
(33:06):
better we are at repair, thatmeans the sooner we are going to
use those tools, which meansthe ruptures don't get nearly as
big.
Kate Aldrich (33:17):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (33:17):
So I think it's one of those things to keep
talking about.
This obviously isn't easy,right, and yet I think it's a
topic that most couples don'tsit and talk about, but they
probably should, sure.
Kate Aldrich (33:32):
And if you have kids, I think it's something you
can change for the future.
That's something brad and I aretrying to do.
How do we show them that we canrepair?
and our kids are young adultsand teenagers, so it's different
than when you have littles but,even then it's important to say
I hear you that, right likethat, we honor what they have to
(33:55):
say in their voice.
I'm not sure we always did itwell then, I'm not sure we
always do it well now, but weare trying to be intentional.
We are not perfect.
There is definitely conflictand rupture and hurt feelings in
our family at times.
So, but I think the posture ofcan we try to do this
differently is what can impactgenerations for good.
Brad Aldrich (34:18):
Yeah, absolutely, Absolutely.
So hey, that was really good.
I hope you got something out ofthat and some encouragement to
keep talking and repairing inyour relationships.
For sure.
For sure.
We hope that you have a greatrest of your week and we'll be
back next week with more on howyou can continue still becoming
(34:41):
one in your relationships.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (34:49):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Brad Aldrich (34:50):
Be kind and take care of each other.
Still Becoming One is aproduction of Aldrich Ministries
.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia, be sure to visit us at
(35:12):
stillbecomingonecom and don'tforget to like this episode
wherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!