March 19, 2025 • 37 mins
Can a healthy marriage include moments where one partner "takes one for the team" sexually? This candid conversation tackles the sensitive reality of differing desire levels and how couples navigate intimacy when interest isn't mutual.
We explore this often used metaphor and unpack how this dynamic typically unfolds - often with one partner silently sacrificing while harboring resentment, and the other sensing something's off but unable to name it. The result? Disconnection where connection was intended.
There are healthier alternatives, true intimacy requires honest dialogue where both partners can express desire without undue pressure and decline without causing undue rejection.
Whether you're struggling with mismatched desire levels or want to deepen your understanding of sexual dynamics in marriage, this episode offers compassionate guidance grounded in both professional experience and the hosts' journey.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, and welcome toStill Becoming One.
Hello.
I am so glad to be back againtoday.
We've been having fun, Mm-hmm.
We've been having fun, yeah,talking to all of you again and
thinking through ideas forfuture podcast episodes and
(00:52):
guests for future podcastepisodes.
Mm-hmm, I think it's going tobe some good stuff.
Yeah for sure.
You'll just have to payattention to it.
Stay tuned for announcements.
Kate Aldrich (01:03):
Full disclosure.
This is an evening session.
Brad Aldrich (01:06):
Yeah, so right last time we said you have to
have evening sessions to have mehave energy here it is, we are
different morning to evening, sowe'll see how this goes, that's
for sure.
It's good, it's good.
So, yeah, what should we bechatting about before we get
started in our thing?
Kate Aldrich (01:27):
Oh like, do we need to discuss anything
parent-wise?
I don't know.
Yeah, right here on the air.
Brad Aldrich (01:33):
Yeah, dealing with issues I have no idea.
Kate Aldrich (01:36):
No, I don't think so.
Okay, we just had dinner andone of our kiddos is at some of
her programs she goes to, andthe other one was wolfing down
dinner and leaving and she'sgone to college this August.
And I said to Brad uh, this isgoing to be us like a lot,
what's it going to be like?
And he said well, I'll bemaking dinner.
Brad Aldrich (02:00):
Cause she's already said she's done.
Kate Aldrich (02:02):
Yes, I said well, I said retirement, but yes, I
think that should be once thekids are all gone, I'm done
cooking.
I don't know if that's going towork.
Unfortunately, Brad thinks thatdinner is required every
evening, and my children do toohonestly and in all honesty, I
do cook often.
Brad Aldrich (02:23):
I cook tonight, thankfully, so I do help make
that happen.
Kate Aldrich (02:29):
Oh you're fantastic.
The children rave about yourfood and, honestly, this is not
talking down on myself, but Idon't enjoy it, and so I've
already proclaimed in retirement.
Brad is cooking for us all thetime, so that's my plan.
We'll see how it goes.
Brad knows that I would be morethan happy to eat sandwiches
(02:50):
every dinner of my life.
Brad Aldrich (02:53):
I guess Therein lies the problem.
Kate Aldrich (02:55):
And my children are like sandwiches again.
Brad Aldrich (02:58):
I'm like no, I need some variety.
Kate Aldrich (03:01):
So that's what we were doing.
Today's been a pretty goodadmin day here at Aldridge
Ministries.
Brad Aldrich (03:07):
It has.
It's been a busy, busy week andbusy day.
We were speaking both of usspeaking and sharing at a
conference this last weekend and, yeah, that went well.
It's always fun, but exhausting, to share those kind of things.
Kate Aldrich (03:26):
Yeah, it was so good.
It was a mental health seminarfor women at our home church and
our dear friend and pastor,lindsay Latzbaugh, knocked it
out of the park, she organizedit and it was just a phenomenal
event.
So it was tiring but it wasjust so, so good.
It's just awesome to be a partof really good church ministry
(03:49):
that is informed and not afraidto talk about mental health
things, not afraid to talk aboutall the nuances of story, work
on mental health and why it'simportant to think about those
(04:10):
parts of your life andunderstanding your story and how
that helps.
Yeah, and Brad, the lone wolfguy, shared on anxiety and even
though that's not his favoritewheelhouse to share on, I know
he did a really good job becauseI know his heart and how much
he just wants people to feelthat what they're going through
(04:37):
is not abnormal.
Sometimes the levels can beabnormal, but and just having
them give them resources thatthey can feel feel good about
reaching out to to, yeah, havesome help with that.
Brad Aldrich (04:51):
Yep, so it was good.
Kate Aldrich (04:53):
It was a great day .
Brad Aldrich (04:54):
So and it got publicly announced, I think for
the first time that we are doinga still becoming one marriage
workshop here, in LancasterCounty, Pennsylvania.
Yeah.
We'll be hosting it at realityChurch on the end of May.
It's actually the last Saturdayin May and, yeah, it's going to
(05:14):
be, I guess, a half-dayworkshop.
Kate Aldrich (05:18):
Yeah, I think it was like eight to two, eight to
two, yeah, something like that.
And again, our home church isjoining us in that, so we're
super excited to partner withthem and have really good
conversations.
Brad Aldrich (05:31):
So, yeah, there will be more information on our
website about that.
If you want to go toaldrichministriescom slash
events you can find out allabout that workshop too.
That's great.
Kate Aldrich (05:45):
So our topic tonight Taking one for the team
Dun dun dun.
Are we talking about Americanfootball, european football,
baseball, hockey?
What are we talking about?
Brad Aldrich (05:57):
Sex.
Kate Aldrich (05:58):
Oh, okay, alrighty then.
Yeah, this is a question thatwe often get, and I often get
asked specifically so what doesit mean?
Brad Aldrich (06:11):
so let's break down the metaphor to start.
Well right, what does it evenhang?
Kate Aldrich (06:15):
on man.
You in the evening, you're juston top of it, plowing ahead.
As you say we often get it.
I will be honest that moreoften than not we, we get the
question from women, but thatdoesn't mean it isn't a question
(06:39):
rolling around in men's headsabout sex or the lower drive,
spouse, whatever wording you'recomfortable with.
No shame just talking about um,that person who, for them, uh,
the ideal would be less and thethe metaphor right.
I think it actually comes frombaseball, if I'm not incorrect,
because I grew up in a baseballfamily, believe it or not,
(07:00):
baseball, softball, and it islike um, when I don't even does
it come from like pinch hitterssacrifice you.
Brad Aldrich (07:09):
You hit a sacrifice.
Fly to get the runner to moveforward or a bunt.
Kate Aldrich (07:13):
It could be lots of different things.
Brad Aldrich (07:15):
Yes, you, basically sacrifice yourself to,
to move, to advance the runner,advance the runner, okay that's
what I was like.
Kate Aldrich (07:22):
I don't know if it's specific to a play, but
yeah.
So basically I will throwmyself on the line so that we
can move forward and potentiallyscore essentially yeah, so
that's the like.
Brad Aldrich (07:34):
That's the idea is .
Is one person in therelationship wants sex and the
other person doesn't?
Right, so so so then thequestion is what do we do Like
is the in that situation?
Is the answer automatically no.
Is the answer always yes?
(07:55):
Is the answer like somewhere inthe middle, and is it possible
for one person to go through andpleasure, have an orgasm, and
for the other person not?
Kate Aldrich (08:11):
to Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and I think it's acomplicated question, I think.
First, since Brad told me totake the lead with this one I'd
love to talk about when-.
Come on.
Brad Aldrich (08:22):
you know why I don't want to get in trouble
here to talk about when you knowwhy.
Kate Aldrich (08:28):
I don't want to get in trouble, oh my goodness,
seriously.
Um, when, like when, whensomeone one of the two in the
relationship is doing thisbehind the scenes, like they
think their spouse doesn't know,like they're not interested,
but maybe they feel a lot ofpressure, maybe they feel a lot
of shame, maybe they feel likeit's been a really long time,
maybe they've heard really badchurch or Christian messages
(08:49):
that says, if you don't, yourspouse will stray, like all of
these things.
So first I'd like to addresswhen it's like going on in
someone's head but it is notcommunicated between the two,
communicated between the two,and in that situation, I would
just encourage you beingtruthful, figuring out how to
(09:10):
have an honest conversation,though that probably sounds
really hard, right, because thissubject comes with all kinds of
stigmas, all kinds ofexpectations, all kinds of
pressures from the church, fromfamily, what you grew up, how
you were taught.
I honor that, but I reallywould encourage.
(09:31):
It's something the two of youneed to talk about.
Brad Aldrich (09:33):
Yeah, I would 100% agree, and the reason why is
because part of the overalldesire, part of the overall mix
of what sexual intimacy is formost men, is this desire to give
(09:58):
pleasure as well as receivepleasure.
So I know it sounds often likewomen talk to us all the time
and it says my husband just isinterested in release and that
happens.
But that's really not the caseis most of the time men are very
(10:18):
interested in giving theirspouse pleasure and wanting to
know that they can give theirspouse pleasure, which I know
that puts a layer of pressure ona lot of wives, but I think it
is important to have thatrecognition that that is part of
(10:40):
what most men think about, assexual intimacy is both of us
having pleasure, and so whenwe're talking about taking one
for the team, we're changingthat.
Kate Aldrich (10:52):
And I think it's important to remember this isn't
always men thinking that, womenthinking this.
No, correct.
Again, we always want to be kindand realize that stereotypes
hurt people, but I do thinkstatistically it is higher, no,
correct, the higher drive wifelike.
It's not always the case andthe husband may very much be
(11:15):
feeling this of like.
Do I just take one for the team?
And you know, figure that out.
And you know, as you said manytimes, there is that desire to
(11:40):
bring their spouse pleasure aswell, right, so that definitely
plays into it and I think we doneed to remember that, although
there are, sometimes people arenot in a great space and it is,
or it appears, all about justgetting their own pleasure.
Brad Aldrich (11:55):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (11:55):
But to me that's why conversations are really
important and I know this is areal raw conversation.
But talking to your spousebecause I know for me that was
at a time in our marriage thatwas very like revolutionary I'm
not sure it necessarily helpedme at the time as the lower
drive spouse that you alsowanted to bring me pleasure, I
(12:22):
don't know.
I can't like say that that mademe motivated more, but it did
help me to think he is in thisfor the two of us, not just for
what I can do or fulfilling thatdesire.
Some people call it a need.
It is a desire.
You're not going to die withoutsex.
(12:42):
It's important to remember thatSometimes it may feel that way,
right?
I mean, god did design us asmarried couples to have it, so
it is supposed to be a part ofit.
But yeah, so I'm not sure thatthat necessarily helped me, but
as far as motivating or movingme in the direction that I hoped
to go because that's the otherthing me in the direction that I
(13:05):
hoped to go, cause that's theother thing Many times for the
lower drive spouse, they do hopeto like they don't want to be
the lower drive spouse.
I think sometimes people get incomplacency with it or they just
get so depressed that it's notdifferent.
But most times people don'twant to be in that place and I I
think I don't know was thathelpful for you to know that I
didn't want to be in that place.
Brad Aldrich (13:24):
Oh, it was very helpful, right?
Because then I can kind of go.
It's not because she doesn'tlike me, it's not because she
doesn't like sex.
Oh my gosh, I've never notliked you, it's not because she,
you know, thinks my body isgross Like all of these kind of
things that get in the higherdrive head right.
Kate Aldrich (13:46):
Like is there's these things.
Brad Aldrich (13:47):
She thinks I'm gross, or she didn't know that
kind of thing it's really easyto think those things, and so I
do think this is a reallyimportant conversation because
the higher drive spouse noticeswhen somebody is just taking one
for the team and and what itcommunicates is I don't really
want you, I'm not reallyinterested, you aren't turning
(14:09):
me on right, like, so it canbecome this huge negative thing
if it's not communicated.
Kate Aldrich (14:17):
That's interesting .
Yeah, I mean I and we're justgoing to talk this out right
here I've never thought that andI mean I think you've known
that for a really long time now.
Brad Aldrich (14:27):
I have.
Kate Aldrich (14:27):
I've never thought that.
I mean I think our teenagerswish we thought that of each
other, more, that we thoughteach other were gross.
Brad Aldrich (14:36):
We just grossed them out.
That's all right, yeah, sosometimes.
Kate Aldrich (14:39):
I think they would prefer that at times.
But yeah, I think that in thissame direction, even though
we're talking about taking onefor the team, remembering your
lower drive spouse also has allkinds of things going through
their head, like they only wantme for sex.
They don't actually enjoy me,they don't enjoy my body any
(15:01):
other time.
Brad Aldrich (15:02):
They don't actually want me any other time.
Kate Aldrich (15:05):
Right, right, and I don't know how many times
we've heard.
You could replace me withanybody and my spouse would be
fine.
Brad Aldrich (15:13):
And that's just not the case.
It just isn't.
Kate Aldrich (15:16):
And I'm not going to speak for all guys, but
remember what I said, I neverfelt that way towards you and if
what I'm hearing is you neverfelt that way towards me.
But those, as you said, theseare the things rattling around
in a higher drive.
Spouse's head.
These are the things rattlingaround in a higher drive
spouse's head.
Brad Aldrich (15:33):
These are the things rattling around in the
lower drives and it's justimportant to know that.
So how do we coach people tohave this conversation, like if
you're saying like, okay, andthis is one of the things I talk
about all the time with higherdrive spouses is going, and this
is one of the things I talkabout all the time with higher
drive spouses is going, allright, guys, you need to figure
(15:54):
out how to communicate yourdesire in a loving way, right?
It cannot be like you want to,right, it cannot be gross or you
know any of those kinds ofthings.
It can't even just be like, youknow, testing the waters.
That's what I used to do whenwe were younger, married of like
(16:17):
wait, we're not young.
I'd give you a kiss when youcame home and I'd be like oh,
all right, she's not interested,right, like and and just, but
like.
I would just assume, based onyou know how you know your mood
is, if I was going to get luckyor not, which, like that, is
just so unhealthy friends.
Kate Aldrich (16:37):
He's pacing my mood really, dude.
Brad Aldrich (16:40):
That was probably not but that no, of course it's
not like spit up and all kindsof crap on me.
I haven't showered in days andthis is why it doesn't work very
well, like because it we justyou know, so it doesn't work.
And then this is also theproblem is, so often we hear
from couples that you know mywife or my husband won't even
(17:02):
touch me unless we're going tomove towards having sex, and so
they use things like intimatetouch as a kind of testing the
waters to see if it's going tolead to sex and that has such
damage because really it meansall the hugs end up stopping if
(17:23):
the other person doesn't want tohave sex, they get into this
place of well, I can't give thema hug, or they're going to
think.
Kate Aldrich (17:30):
It's just avoidance in general, so it
becomes this really negativespiral.
Brad Aldrich (17:34):
So we cannot have expressions of desire that are
just nonverbal.
Kate Aldrich (17:41):
You know.
You said how do we have theconversation?
Here's the reality.
You're having the conversationanyways.
And I know you said people testthe waters and probably the
lower drive spouse is movingaway.
Yes, those things are happening, but you're having arguments
about it.
Brad Aldrich (17:55):
Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich (17:56):
And, in my opinion , one of you being kind and
gentle and saying you know, Iknow we're really missing each
other in this area.
I know I'm making mistakes, Iknow I'm still learning how to
cherish you in this way.
You know, I think we need tohave some conversations about it
(18:19):
, but in my opinion, you'veprobably most likely both said
some things you shouldn't have.
Or there's tone, or there'sdisappointment and hurt.
There's tone, or there'sdisappointment and hurt.
So I really do think it takessomeone, you know, sort of
approaching it in a very gentle,kind way.
Also, in order to do that, youkind of got to own your own part
(18:42):
of it, and maybe you're notowning the specifics, but, like
I know, I'm not always makingyou feel cherished or I'm not
always making you feel desired,or whatever that may be.
Um, I think that's going to openthe door more than anything.
Um, I think sometimes peopleneed a third party person to
help and I'm not just promotingus as that.
(19:04):
Sometimes that's mentors,people who have a good marriage,
um, could be parental figuresor or a coach or a counselor.
Like to help.
You guys have that conversationwhere everyone feels like they
can use their voice in a safespace.
Unfortunately, sometimes itdoesn't feel safe anymore if
it's gotten to a place wherewords are used and all that kind
(19:27):
of stuff.
Brad Aldrich (19:29):
But I want to, and I totally agree with all of
that.
I think sometimes we need somehelp because we've dug into
pretty negative patterns.
But I want to simplify thisright, Like the metaphor is here
of take one for the team,because even in baseball it is
something that occasionallyhappens.
Kate Aldrich (19:50):
right, that we occasionally yeah, it doesn't
happen very often actually.
Brad Aldrich (19:53):
No, it doesn't happen very often, but
occasionally, for some reason,it's like, yeah, it's okay, and
with communication, witheveryone knowing what's going on
, there's nothing wrong withthis.
In fact, it can be really apositive giving opportunity.
Kate Aldrich (20:14):
Well, hang on before we get there.
Usually when I get thisquestion I don't know how you
respond because you probably getit way less than I do, but I
always say number one, like it'sbetter to be honest, right,
it's not good to do the insidethe head game thing Because, as
Brad said, you can kind of tellwhen or sense when someone is
(20:37):
just there showing up physically, it is a different way you're
going to engage, it's adifferent experience, all kinds
of things.
So that the number two thingthat I tell women is stop before
you answer yes or no and thinkcould I be interested?
And I am not asking you, youknow you've, you're completely
(20:59):
exhausted, you've had a migraine, whatever.
I'm not telling you.
There aren't times it's a flatout no, not tonight, and that
needs to be honored, right, andmaybe you don't even know why,
maybe there's no specific reasonwhy.
That's also okay if you're justnot in that space.
So first of all I want to becompletely clear If you say no,
(21:21):
that should be honored and yourspouse has to learn to work
through the emotions they feelabout that, I would encourage
you to try to say no kindly,because that's the posture we
should have towards each other.
But if it's not that thought out, no, asking yourself like I
don't know, could I beinterested in that?
And I know that that becamevital to me, especially as a mom
(21:45):
with young kids.
I don't find it as much withour older kids they don't need
us for as much and all that kindof stuff.
But to stop myself and what Iwas doing, you know, like all
the daily chores and actuallysay to myself, well, I don't
know, I wasn't thinking aboutthat tonight because, honestly,
I'm thinking about 50 otherthings.
Could that be something I couldbe interested in?
(22:08):
And ask yourself that.
And sometimes I would say toBrad, yeah, I could be
interested if you put the kidsto bed and I get to go get a
shower, or right, like not thatI'm bartering, but like I often
found with my kids being young,I often needed a transition.
I couldn't just go from mom wasspit up all over me making the
(22:31):
meals, doing the dishes, doingthe laundry, playing outside
with the kids, and then just belike, okay, sure, I'm now this
sexy mom, right, like I oftenneeded a transition.
And even sometimes, now thatwe're older, it's like okay,
well, I was finishing work and Iwasn't thinking about that.
Give me a few minutes.
Sometimes it's only just a fewminutes.
(22:52):
I need to go to the bathroom.
I need to like wash my face.
Just think about that insteadof whatever I was thinking about
, like just switching gears.
Brad Aldrich (23:02):
I think and that's so important right, I think we
should build that in, and Ithink sometimes, when we get
stressed and tired and time isshort, we go, or we expect our
spouse to go, to the fastversion most of the time, and
(23:23):
that is just not usually ahealthy thing to do so I think
we, as the higher drive spouses,should also be thinking about.
What does it look like to givemy spouse the transition time?
if they, if they need it rightto mentally get there and and so
(23:46):
yes, I 100 agree.
A a wife saying, okay, sure,I'd love to get my head around,
that it's going to take me 20minutes.
Can you put the kids to bed?
Can you do the dishes?
Can you like whatever Grocery?
Kate Aldrich (24:06):
shop.
Do all the things.
Brad Aldrich (24:07):
Hey now, this is not about tit for tat.
Kate Aldrich (24:10):
If you can do my whole list for the week, I'll be
here when you're done.
This is not about tit for tat.
Brad Aldrich (24:12):
If you can do my whole list for the week, I'll be
here when you're done tit fortat oh yes, I understand, but it
is about giving the person somespace to think about it right,
which we've talked about before,as sex is supposed to be
something that happens all day,not just well, well, we say
foreplay.
(24:32):
Foreplay sorry, Not sex all day.
Foreplay should be happeningall day.
Kate Aldrich (24:37):
I don't know about you, but that sounds really
strange and not possible, butokay.
Brad Aldrich (24:43):
But let's even kind of go to those places where
the lower drive spouse is likeI just can't and this is
sometimes, guys, it really isAbsolutely that is, they're like
I just can't, you know they'retired and really feel like they
can't.
(25:03):
That's okay, you know.
Or a wife who's like I reallyjust can't.
Show up that way right now.
How do they communicate that?
No, but I'm willing to give youan orgasm, I'm willing to pay
attention to you.
Kate Aldrich (25:21):
So you're not talking about the.
I'm willing to get myself intothat space.
You're actually talking abouttaking one for the team.
Brad Aldrich (25:27):
If I'm not, I'm willing, like, because I think
we have three choices.
It's the I'm interested.
All right, let me get my headaround it.
I'm interested, I'm not so sureI'm there but I'm willing right
, I'm willing to give or no, Ireally can't tonight right.
Kate Aldrich (25:47):
I think the trouble becomes with I want to
be a giver, um, I still expressto women that needs to be
vocalized like correct.
Or or to men I'm happy to give,um, but that's, that's all I'm
up for this evening.
And but that should not feelpressured, that should feel
(26:07):
because you literally want togive to your spouse and I think,
um, it's always important toremember with that like, and
this is how sex works, which isamazing.
That could change, right.
So, and and I think the otherspouse should always like,
respond in kindness well, ifthat changes in the middle or at
the end, let me know, right,because that is how you know one
(26:31):
of us being stimulated is notuncommon.
For the other one to feel thatdesire then.
So I I think that can be done.
I just think you have to begood communicators and you need
to just say yes, but this is mewanting to give to you tonight
and I'm happy to do that.
Right, we want to actuallyexpress that like that brings me
(26:53):
joy, to do that.
Yeah.
But I'm just not in a spacewhere I want to receive.
Brad Aldrich (26:59):
I'm going to start this by talking a little bit of
mechanics.
All right, so with talkingabout mechanics, what we have to
recognize is if your spouse cancommunicate hey, I'm willing to
be a giver.
then that is going to changewhat happens right and we need
(27:20):
to be respectful of the factthat they are in the place of
wanting to give, and that can begreat, but then we have to
figure out what that looks like.
It's going to naturally changewhat we quote-unquote do right,
and I think that needs to bepart of the conversation.
Kate Aldrich (27:38):
I do, and I was just thinking if someone says
I'm willing to give tonight, Ithink the next conversation is
okay.
What does that look like foryou?
Because I don't.
I'm going to go out on a limbhere and say I don't think the
receiver, they can make requestsbut they can't be demanding,
(27:58):
because if that person's not upfor it, we're talking the male
or the female, we're talkingabout different body functions
and how it all works and whatnot.
But there may be things thatyou're not willing to do.
So like.
I mean, I think you're kind ofgoing this direction, but if a
wife says I'm willing to give,that may not mean that she's
(28:20):
willing to receive penetration,correct.
Right and just kind of lay there.
So like I don't know, likewe're not suggesting it has to
be one thing or another, ifthat's something she's open to.
Like I just think we don'tassume things Correct and we can
make requests but the givergets a say and like, yeah, I'm
(28:41):
up for that, yeah, I'm not,because they're the ones saying
I'm willing to give.
But there's obviously a reasonthey are not in a space to
receive.
Brad Aldrich (28:50):
I think some of the language that we're
stumbling upon that is somehowsometimes different than this
conversation of take one for theteam is, I think, often what
it's seen as one person ispassive and just receives and
then, like, what we're talkingabout and I think this is so
(29:11):
important is that the personwho's taking one for the team
should be the giver.
Right, it isn't just passivity,it is I'm actively loving and
caring for my spouse because I'mchoosing to at this time and I
want to, and I want to give themthat, and I think that's just
(29:36):
such a different way than thisis normally talked about.
Kate Aldrich (29:41):
Yeah, I don't know .
There's definitely someimportant conversations to have
there.
I feel like that's a kind of amuddy field and that's where
this just gets very confusingand where we end up with people
feeling pressured andexpectations and it's always got
to be this way.
And that's why Brad and I aresaying, like it really needs to
(30:03):
be in a place where you cancommunicate about it.
And I would actually go out asfar to say if you guys aren't in
a space to communicate about it, well then it should be a no
Correct.
Right, no, we always say like weshould be able to express,
because it's just too damagingpotentially.
Brad Aldrich (30:20):
Right, like the ideal is, you need to be able to
have language to express yourdesire without undue pressure.
Right, and so if it's gettingto this place where it feels
like I'm pressuring your partner, that's not going to be healthy
for your relationship.
Right and yes.
On the other side, we should beable to communicate no without
(30:43):
undue rejection.
So I can't really think aboutthat right now.
I love you so much and we don'twant to have the.
You're disgusting because youwant this to go with the feeling
of no.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
Right, and you're not disgusting if you don't want it
to, because I think that'simportant, but there's, so it
goes both ways it does, it does,but I will tell you there's so
often there's something wrong.
Brad Aldrich (31:12):
There's something wrong with you, yeah, which is
different message, but still isdevastating yeah, I tell you and
this is because I'm talkingwith guys I will tell you.
Often I hear from guys who doget thrown at that you know, how
could you want that?
That's all you think about,that's all you care about, that
(31:33):
kind of message.
Kate Aldrich (31:34):
Okay, but those two are different.
How could you want that?
I don't understand that.
It's God designed, right.
Like that's a different messagethan that's all you want.
Yeah, how could you want it?
And you only ever want it.
Those are different, right?
So I feel like all you everwant is probably more what
(31:56):
you're hearing and maybe not.
Sometimes I'm sure you'rehearing the like why would you
want it?
Well, god designed it.
But I do understand.
Lots of people grow up inchurch hearing.
It's disgusting and it's gross,but save it for marriage
because that'll be great whichis that, you know, is so super
confusing to your mind, to yourbody.
(32:17):
It's so super confusing to yourmind, to your body.
I think I don't know.
For our journey there was neverthe thought of how could you
want it?
It was always just feeling likeyou wanted it a whole lot more
than I did.
Brad Aldrich (32:31):
And I definitely think you did that well.
I will tell you, I talked tosomebody.
That's very kind of you.
I talked to somebody veryrecently who they ended up
having an argument with theirwife because they both had a bad
day.
And her bad day she was like Ijust want to be alone, don't
(32:53):
have anyone touch me, and hisbad day was yeah, it would all
just be so much better if wejust had sex.
Kate Aldrich (32:59):
She wanted to sit in her hotel room with her diet
Sprite from Date Night.
Yes, we love that movie.
Brad Aldrich (33:05):
That's right, and it is just how they were wired
differently.
But he was like, oh my gosh,the only thing I could think
about was how much if we justhad sex, everything would be so
much better.
And I'm like that is just howyou're wired.
Kate Aldrich (33:24):
There's nothing wrong with you because you're
thinking that, but it won'tnecessarily make everything
better.
That's a fallacy.
But yes, sex is a connector.
It's a connector, it's arelaxer, it's a.
You know all of these kind ofthings.
Brad Aldrich (33:32):
So there is truth in what he was trying to think
through.
Sure, and I also said, justbecause that's where your brain
went we have to honor our spouse, and where they're at right,
there has to be that place ofhonoring.
Kate Aldrich (33:53):
And I think too this is me coming from the other
side like the lord wouldn'tmake one thing.
The end like like if we justhad sex it would make everything
better.
I'm getting off on a tangenthere, but there's not just one
answer to that.
Yes, I honor that.
For him, in that moment, sexfelt like the connector and the
(34:14):
thing that would make so much ofthat stress come down.
But there's just never oneanswer that's going to fix all
of those self-care thingsthere's not because if there is,
we're in trouble because right,and so I hear that and that
might be his preference.
(34:34):
But there are other things toothat can help.
Same and same with a wife likeit's not just, or with a lower
drive spouse.
I'm not trying to dishonor that, I'm just saying, um, there are
many times I'm like shoppingwould just make this all better.
Right now, thriftingspecifically, and the reality is
it makes it better for a fewminutes.
Brad Aldrich (34:57):
It doesn't mean like it does not fix everything
and you're you are exactly right, you, you are correct.
It is not a fix all or end all,but there are places where sex
is an important part of anintimate marriage yes, right so
we need to.
Kate Aldrich (35:15):
We need to think through it's not the same as
thrifting, then Is that whatyou're saying?
Just kidding, just kidding.
Brad Aldrich (35:24):
So, all in all, we're saying it can be okay to
take one for the team, eithergender, but it has to be talked
about.
It can't be a hidden take onefor the team and it can't be an
expected.
You have to take one for theteam.
Kate Aldrich (35:38):
Right, and if you aren't in a place where you can
communicate about it, then itjust needs to be a no until you
figure out how to communicateabout it.
Brad Aldrich (35:47):
well, okay I have a feeling we might get some
comments on this one and pushback, and I would love to hear
it right, I would.
Every time we talk about sex, weget some pushback on it, so we
would love to hear your thoughtsand you know, yeah, just your
experience, so you can certainlyreach out to us at help at
(36:11):
still becoming one, and we wouldlove to, you know, hear your
thoughts and hear your questionsabout all of this as well.
You know, hear your thoughtsand hear your questions about
all of this as well, and, yeah,we're just looking forward to
continuing to explore somereally important topics that
come along as we're on thisjourney of becoming one.
Yeah.
(36:31):
All right, Well, until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (36:35):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (36:41):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(37:04):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, and welcome toStill Becoming One.
Hello.
I am so glad to be back againtoday.
We've been having fun, Mm-hmm.
We've been having fun, yeah,talking to all of you again and
thinking through ideas forfuture podcast episodes and
(00:52):
guests for future podcastepisodes.
Mm-hmm, I think it's going tobe some good stuff.
Yeah for sure.
You'll just have to payattention to it.
Stay tuned for announcements.
Kate Aldrich (01:03):
Full disclosure.
This is an evening session.
Brad Aldrich (01:06):
Yeah, so right last time we said you have to
have evening sessions to have mehave energy here it is, we are
different morning to evening, sowe'll see how this goes, that's
for sure.
It's good, it's good.
So, yeah, what should we bechatting about before we get
started in our thing?
Kate Aldrich (01:27):
Oh like, do we need to discuss anything
parent-wise?
I don't know.
Yeah, right here on the air.
Brad Aldrich (01:33):
Yeah, dealing with issues I have no idea.
Kate Aldrich (01:36):
No, I don't think so.
Okay, we just had dinner andone of our kiddos is at some of
her programs she goes to, andthe other one was wolfing down
dinner and leaving and she'sgone to college this August.
And I said to Brad uh, this isgoing to be us like a lot,
what's it going to be like?
And he said well, I'll bemaking dinner.
Brad Aldrich (02:00):
Cause she's already said she's done.
Kate Aldrich (02:02):
Yes, I said well, I said retirement, but yes, I
think that should be once thekids are all gone, I'm done
cooking.
I don't know if that's going towork.
Unfortunately, Brad thinks thatdinner is required every
evening, and my children do toohonestly and in all honesty, I
do cook often.
Brad Aldrich (02:23):
I cook tonight, thankfully, so I do help make
that happen.
Kate Aldrich (02:29):
Oh you're fantastic.
The children rave about yourfood and, honestly, this is not
talking down on myself, but Idon't enjoy it, and so I've
already proclaimed in retirement.
Brad is cooking for us all thetime, so that's my plan.
We'll see how it goes.
Brad knows that I would be morethan happy to eat sandwiches
(02:50):
every dinner of my life.
Brad Aldrich (02:53):
I guess Therein lies the problem.
Kate Aldrich (02:55):
And my children are like sandwiches again.
Brad Aldrich (02:58):
I'm like no, I need some variety.
Kate Aldrich (03:01):
So that's what we were doing.
Today's been a pretty goodadmin day here at Aldridge
Ministries.
Brad Aldrich (03:07):
It has.
It's been a busy, busy week andbusy day.
We were speaking both of usspeaking and sharing at a
conference this last weekend and, yeah, that went well.
It's always fun, but exhausting, to share those kind of things.
Kate Aldrich (03:26):
Yeah, it was so good.
It was a mental health seminarfor women at our home church and
our dear friend and pastor,lindsay Latzbaugh, knocked it
out of the park, she organizedit and it was just a phenomenal
event.
So it was tiring but it wasjust so, so good.
It's just awesome to be a partof really good church ministry
(03:49):
that is informed and not afraidto talk about mental health
things, not afraid to talk aboutall the nuances of story, work
on mental health and why it'simportant to think about those
(04:10):
parts of your life andunderstanding your story and how
that helps.
Yeah, and Brad, the lone wolfguy, shared on anxiety and even
though that's not his favoritewheelhouse to share on, I know
he did a really good job becauseI know his heart and how much
he just wants people to feelthat what they're going through
(04:37):
is not abnormal.
Sometimes the levels can beabnormal, but and just having
them give them resources thatthey can feel feel good about
reaching out to to, yeah, havesome help with that.
Brad Aldrich (04:51):
Yep, so it was good.
Kate Aldrich (04:53):
It was a great day .
Brad Aldrich (04:54):
So and it got publicly announced, I think for
the first time that we are doinga still becoming one marriage
workshop here, in LancasterCounty, Pennsylvania.
Yeah.
We'll be hosting it at realityChurch on the end of May.
It's actually the last Saturdayin May and, yeah, it's going to
(05:14):
be, I guess, a half-dayworkshop.
Kate Aldrich (05:18):
Yeah, I think it was like eight to two, eight to
two, yeah, something like that.
And again, our home church isjoining us in that, so we're
super excited to partner withthem and have really good
conversations.
Brad Aldrich (05:31):
So, yeah, there will be more information on our
website about that.
If you want to go toaldrichministriescom slash
events you can find out allabout that workshop too.
That's great.
Kate Aldrich (05:45):
So our topic tonight Taking one for the team
Dun dun dun.
Are we talking about Americanfootball, european football,
baseball, hockey?
What are we talking about?
Brad Aldrich (05:57):
Sex.
Kate Aldrich (05:58):
Oh, okay, alrighty then.
Yeah, this is a question thatwe often get, and I often get
asked specifically so what doesit mean?
Brad Aldrich (06:11):
so let's break down the metaphor to start.
Well right, what does it evenhang?
Kate Aldrich (06:15):
on man.
You in the evening, you're juston top of it, plowing ahead.
As you say we often get it.
I will be honest that moreoften than not we, we get the
question from women, but thatdoesn't mean it isn't a question
(06:39):
rolling around in men's headsabout sex or the lower drive,
spouse, whatever wording you'recomfortable with.
No shame just talking about um,that person who, for them, uh,
the ideal would be less and thethe metaphor right.
I think it actually comes frombaseball, if I'm not incorrect,
because I grew up in a baseballfamily, believe it or not,
(07:00):
baseball, softball, and it islike um, when I don't even does
it come from like pinch hitterssacrifice you.
Brad Aldrich (07:09):
You hit a sacrifice.
Fly to get the runner to moveforward or a bunt.
Kate Aldrich (07:13):
It could be lots of different things.
Brad Aldrich (07:15):
Yes, you, basically sacrifice yourself to,
to move, to advance the runner,advance the runner, okay that's
what I was like.
Kate Aldrich (07:22):
I don't know if it's specific to a play, but
yeah.
So basically I will throwmyself on the line so that we
can move forward and potentiallyscore essentially yeah, so
that's the like.
Brad Aldrich (07:34):
That's the idea is .
Is one person in therelationship wants sex and the
other person doesn't?
Right, so so so then thequestion is what do we do Like
is the in that situation?
Is the answer automatically no.
Is the answer always yes?
(07:55):
Is the answer like somewhere inthe middle, and is it possible
for one person to go through andpleasure, have an orgasm, and
for the other person not?
Kate Aldrich (08:11):
to Mm-hmm.
Yeah, and I think it's acomplicated question, I think.
First, since Brad told me totake the lead with this one I'd
love to talk about when-.
Come on.
Brad Aldrich (08:22):
you know why I don't want to get in trouble
here to talk about when you knowwhy.
Kate Aldrich (08:28):
I don't want to get in trouble, oh my goodness,
seriously.
Um, when, like when, whensomeone one of the two in the
relationship is doing thisbehind the scenes, like they
think their spouse doesn't know,like they're not interested,
but maybe they feel a lot ofpressure, maybe they feel a lot
of shame, maybe they feel likeit's been a really long time,
maybe they've heard really badchurch or Christian messages
(08:49):
that says, if you don't, yourspouse will stray, like all of
these things.
So first I'd like to addresswhen it's like going on in
someone's head but it is notcommunicated between the two,
communicated between the two,and in that situation, I would
just encourage you beingtruthful, figuring out how to
(09:10):
have an honest conversation,though that probably sounds
really hard, right, because thissubject comes with all kinds of
stigmas, all kinds ofexpectations, all kinds of
pressures from the church, fromfamily, what you grew up, how
you were taught.
I honor that, but I reallywould encourage.
(09:31):
It's something the two of youneed to talk about.
Brad Aldrich (09:33):
Yeah, I would 100% agree, and the reason why is
because part of the overalldesire, part of the overall mix
of what sexual intimacy is formost men, is this desire to give
(09:58):
pleasure as well as receivepleasure.
So I know it sounds often likewomen talk to us all the time
and it says my husband just isinterested in release and that
happens.
But that's really not the caseis most of the time men are very
(10:18):
interested in giving theirspouse pleasure and wanting to
know that they can give theirspouse pleasure, which I know
that puts a layer of pressure ona lot of wives, but I think it
is important to have thatrecognition that that is part of
(10:40):
what most men think about, assexual intimacy is both of us
having pleasure, and so whenwe're talking about taking one
for the team, we're changingthat.
Kate Aldrich (10:52):
And I think it's important to remember this isn't
always men thinking that, womenthinking this.
No, correct.
Again, we always want to be kindand realize that stereotypes
hurt people, but I do thinkstatistically it is higher, no,
correct, the higher drive wifelike.
It's not always the case andthe husband may very much be
(11:15):
feeling this of like.
Do I just take one for the team?
And you know, figure that out.
And you know, as you said manytimes, there is that desire to
(11:40):
bring their spouse pleasure aswell, right, so that definitely
plays into it and I think we doneed to remember that, although
there are, sometimes people arenot in a great space and it is,
or it appears, all about justgetting their own pleasure.
Brad Aldrich (11:55):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (11:55):
But to me that's why conversations are really
important and I know this is areal raw conversation.
But talking to your spousebecause I know for me that was
at a time in our marriage thatwas very like revolutionary I'm
not sure it necessarily helpedme at the time as the lower
drive spouse that you alsowanted to bring me pleasure, I
(12:22):
don't know.
I can't like say that that mademe motivated more, but it did
help me to think he is in thisfor the two of us, not just for
what I can do or fulfilling thatdesire.
Some people call it a need.
It is a desire.
You're not going to die withoutsex.
(12:42):
It's important to remember thatSometimes it may feel that way,
right?
I mean, god did design us asmarried couples to have it, so
it is supposed to be a part ofit.
But yeah, so I'm not sure thatthat necessarily helped me, but
as far as motivating or movingme in the direction that I hoped
to go because that's the otherthing me in the direction that I
(13:05):
hoped to go, cause that's theother thing Many times for the
lower drive spouse, they do hopeto like they don't want to be
the lower drive spouse.
I think sometimes people get incomplacency with it or they just
get so depressed that it's notdifferent.
But most times people don'twant to be in that place and I I
think I don't know was thathelpful for you to know that I
didn't want to be in that place.
Brad Aldrich (13:24):
Oh, it was very helpful, right?
Because then I can kind of go.
It's not because she doesn'tlike me, it's not because she
doesn't like sex.
Oh my gosh, I've never notliked you, it's not because she,
you know, thinks my body isgross Like all of these kind of
things that get in the higherdrive head right.
Kate Aldrich (13:46):
Like is there's these things.
Brad Aldrich (13:47):
She thinks I'm gross, or she didn't know that
kind of thing it's really easyto think those things, and so I
do think this is a reallyimportant conversation because
the higher drive spouse noticeswhen somebody is just taking one
for the team and and what itcommunicates is I don't really
want you, I'm not reallyinterested, you aren't turning
(14:09):
me on right, like, so it canbecome this huge negative thing
if it's not communicated.
Kate Aldrich (14:17):
That's interesting .
Yeah, I mean I and we're justgoing to talk this out right
here I've never thought that andI mean I think you've known
that for a really long time now.
Brad Aldrich (14:27):
I have.
Kate Aldrich (14:27):
I've never thought that.
I mean I think our teenagerswish we thought that of each
other, more, that we thoughteach other were gross.
Brad Aldrich (14:36):
We just grossed them out.
That's all right, yeah, sosometimes.
Kate Aldrich (14:39):
I think they would prefer that at times.
But yeah, I think that in thissame direction, even though
we're talking about taking onefor the team, remembering your
lower drive spouse also has allkinds of things going through
their head, like they only wantme for sex.
They don't actually enjoy me,they don't enjoy my body any
(15:01):
other time.
Brad Aldrich (15:02):
They don't actually want me any other time.
Kate Aldrich (15:05):
Right, right, and I don't know how many times
we've heard.
You could replace me withanybody and my spouse would be
fine.
Brad Aldrich (15:13):
And that's just not the case.
It just isn't.
Kate Aldrich (15:16):
And I'm not going to speak for all guys, but
remember what I said, I neverfelt that way towards you and if
what I'm hearing is you neverfelt that way towards me.
But those, as you said, theseare the things rattling around
in a higher drive.
Spouse's head.
These are the things rattlingaround in a higher drive
spouse's head.
Brad Aldrich (15:33):
These are the things rattling around in the
lower drives and it's justimportant to know that.
So how do we coach people tohave this conversation, like if
you're saying like, okay, andthis is one of the things I talk
about all the time with higherdrive spouses is going, and this
is one of the things I talkabout all the time with higher
drive spouses is going, allright, guys, you need to figure
(15:54):
out how to communicate yourdesire in a loving way, right?
It cannot be like you want to,right, it cannot be gross or you
know any of those kinds ofthings.
It can't even just be like, youknow, testing the waters.
That's what I used to do whenwe were younger, married of like
(16:17):
wait, we're not young.
I'd give you a kiss when youcame home and I'd be like oh,
all right, she's not interested,right, like and and just, but
like.
I would just assume, based onyou know how you know your mood
is, if I was going to get luckyor not, which, like that, is
just so unhealthy friends.
Kate Aldrich (16:37):
He's pacing my mood really, dude.
Brad Aldrich (16:40):
That was probably not but that no, of course it's
not like spit up and all kindsof crap on me.
I haven't showered in days andthis is why it doesn't work very
well, like because it we justyou know, so it doesn't work.
And then this is also theproblem is, so often we hear
from couples that you know mywife or my husband won't even
(17:02):
touch me unless we're going tomove towards having sex, and so
they use things like intimatetouch as a kind of testing the
waters to see if it's going tolead to sex and that has such
damage because really it meansall the hugs end up stopping if
(17:23):
the other person doesn't want tohave sex, they get into this
place of well, I can't give thema hug, or they're going to
think.
Kate Aldrich (17:30):
It's just avoidance in general, so it
becomes this really negativespiral.
Brad Aldrich (17:34):
So we cannot have expressions of desire that are
just nonverbal.
Kate Aldrich (17:41):
You know.
You said how do we have theconversation?
Here's the reality.
You're having the conversationanyways.
And I know you said people testthe waters and probably the
lower drive spouse is movingaway.
Yes, those things are happening, but you're having arguments
about it.
Brad Aldrich (17:55):
Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich (17:56):
And, in my opinion , one of you being kind and
gentle and saying you know, Iknow we're really missing each
other in this area.
I know I'm making mistakes, Iknow I'm still learning how to
cherish you in this way.
You know, I think we need tohave some conversations about it
(18:19):
, but in my opinion, you'veprobably most likely both said
some things you shouldn't have.
Or there's tone, or there'sdisappointment and hurt.
There's tone, or there'sdisappointment and hurt.
So I really do think it takessomeone, you know, sort of
approaching it in a very gentle,kind way.
Also, in order to do that, youkind of got to own your own part
(18:42):
of it, and maybe you're notowning the specifics, but, like
I know, I'm not always makingyou feel cherished or I'm not
always making you feel desired,or whatever that may be.
Um, I think that's going to openthe door more than anything.
Um, I think sometimes peopleneed a third party person to
help and I'm not just promotingus as that.
(19:04):
Sometimes that's mentors,people who have a good marriage,
um, could be parental figuresor or a coach or a counselor.
Like to help.
You guys have that conversationwhere everyone feels like they
can use their voice in a safespace.
Unfortunately, sometimes itdoesn't feel safe anymore if
it's gotten to a place wherewords are used and all that kind
(19:27):
of stuff.
Brad Aldrich (19:29):
But I want to, and I totally agree with all of
that.
I think sometimes we need somehelp because we've dug into
pretty negative patterns.
But I want to simplify thisright, Like the metaphor is here
of take one for the team,because even in baseball it is
something that occasionallyhappens.
Kate Aldrich (19:50):
right, that we occasionally yeah, it doesn't
happen very often actually.
Brad Aldrich (19:53):
No, it doesn't happen very often, but
occasionally, for some reason,it's like, yeah, it's okay, and
with communication, witheveryone knowing what's going on
, there's nothing wrong withthis.
In fact, it can be really apositive giving opportunity.
Kate Aldrich (20:14):
Well, hang on before we get there.
Usually when I get thisquestion I don't know how you
respond because you probably getit way less than I do, but I
always say number one, like it'sbetter to be honest, right,
it's not good to do the insidethe head game thing Because, as
Brad said, you can kind of tellwhen or sense when someone is
(20:37):
just there showing up physically, it is a different way you're
going to engage, it's adifferent experience, all kinds
of things.
So that the number two thingthat I tell women is stop before
you answer yes or no and thinkcould I be interested?
And I am not asking you, youknow you've, you're completely
(20:59):
exhausted, you've had a migraine, whatever.
I'm not telling you.
There aren't times it's a flatout no, not tonight, and that
needs to be honored, right, andmaybe you don't even know why,
maybe there's no specific reasonwhy.
That's also okay if you're justnot in that space.
So first of all I want to becompletely clear If you say no,
(21:21):
that should be honored and yourspouse has to learn to work
through the emotions they feelabout that, I would encourage
you to try to say no kindly,because that's the posture we
should have towards each other.
But if it's not that thought out, no, asking yourself like I
don't know, could I beinterested in that?
And I know that that becamevital to me, especially as a mom
(21:45):
with young kids.
I don't find it as much withour older kids they don't need
us for as much and all that kindof stuff.
But to stop myself and what Iwas doing, you know, like all
the daily chores and actuallysay to myself, well, I don't
know, I wasn't thinking aboutthat tonight because, honestly,
I'm thinking about 50 otherthings.
Could that be something I couldbe interested in?
(22:08):
And ask yourself that.
And sometimes I would say toBrad, yeah, I could be
interested if you put the kidsto bed and I get to go get a
shower, or right, like not thatI'm bartering, but like I often
found with my kids being young,I often needed a transition.
I couldn't just go from mom wasspit up all over me making the
(22:31):
meals, doing the dishes, doingthe laundry, playing outside
with the kids, and then just belike, okay, sure, I'm now this
sexy mom, right, like I oftenneeded a transition.
And even sometimes, now thatwe're older, it's like okay,
well, I was finishing work and Iwasn't thinking about that.
Give me a few minutes.
Sometimes it's only just a fewminutes.
(22:52):
I need to go to the bathroom.
I need to like wash my face.
Just think about that insteadof whatever I was thinking about
, like just switching gears.
Brad Aldrich (23:02):
I think and that's so important right, I think we
should build that in, and Ithink sometimes, when we get
stressed and tired and time isshort, we go, or we expect our
spouse to go, to the fastversion most of the time, and
(23:23):
that is just not usually ahealthy thing to do so I think
we, as the higher drive spouses,should also be thinking about.
What does it look like to givemy spouse the transition time?
if they, if they need it rightto mentally get there and and so
(23:46):
yes, I 100 agree.
A a wife saying, okay, sure,I'd love to get my head around,
that it's going to take me 20minutes.
Can you put the kids to bed?
Can you do the dishes?
Can you like whatever Grocery?
Kate Aldrich (24:06):
shop.
Do all the things.
Brad Aldrich (24:07):
Hey now, this is not about tit for tat.
Kate Aldrich (24:10):
If you can do my whole list for the week, I'll be
here when you're done.
This is not about tit for tat.
Brad Aldrich (24:12):
If you can do my whole list for the week, I'll be
here when you're done tit fortat oh yes, I understand, but it
is about giving the person somespace to think about it right,
which we've talked about before,as sex is supposed to be
something that happens all day,not just well, well, we say
foreplay.
(24:32):
Foreplay sorry, Not sex all day.
Foreplay should be happeningall day.
Kate Aldrich (24:37):
I don't know about you, but that sounds really
strange and not possible, butokay.
Brad Aldrich (24:43):
But let's even kind of go to those places where
the lower drive spouse is likeI just can't and this is
sometimes, guys, it really isAbsolutely that is, they're like
I just can't, you know they'retired and really feel like they
can't.
(25:03):
That's okay, you know.
Or a wife who's like I reallyjust can't.
Show up that way right now.
How do they communicate that?
No, but I'm willing to give youan orgasm, I'm willing to pay
attention to you.
Kate Aldrich (25:21):
So you're not talking about the.
I'm willing to get myself intothat space.
You're actually talking abouttaking one for the team.
Brad Aldrich (25:27):
If I'm not, I'm willing, like, because I think
we have three choices.
It's the I'm interested.
All right, let me get my headaround it.
I'm interested, I'm not so sureI'm there but I'm willing right
, I'm willing to give or no, Ireally can't tonight right.
Kate Aldrich (25:47):
I think the trouble becomes with I want to
be a giver, um, I still expressto women that needs to be
vocalized like correct.
Or or to men I'm happy to give,um, but that's, that's all I'm
up for this evening.
And but that should not feelpressured, that should feel
(26:07):
because you literally want togive to your spouse and I think,
um, it's always important toremember with that like, and
this is how sex works, which isamazing.
That could change, right.
So, and and I think the otherspouse should always like,
respond in kindness well, ifthat changes in the middle or at
the end, let me know, right,because that is how you know one
(26:31):
of us being stimulated is notuncommon.
For the other one to feel thatdesire then.
So I I think that can be done.
I just think you have to begood communicators and you need
to just say yes, but this is mewanting to give to you tonight
and I'm happy to do that.
Right, we want to actuallyexpress that like that brings me
(26:53):
joy, to do that.
Yeah.
But I'm just not in a spacewhere I want to receive.
Brad Aldrich (26:59):
I'm going to start this by talking a little bit of
mechanics.
All right, so with talkingabout mechanics, what we have to
recognize is if your spouse cancommunicate hey, I'm willing to
be a giver.
then that is going to changewhat happens right and we need
(27:20):
to be respectful of the factthat they are in the place of
wanting to give, and that can begreat, but then we have to
figure out what that looks like.
It's going to naturally changewhat we quote-unquote do right,
and I think that needs to bepart of the conversation.
Kate Aldrich (27:38):
I do, and I was just thinking if someone says
I'm willing to give tonight, Ithink the next conversation is
okay.
What does that look like foryou?
Because I don't.
I'm going to go out on a limbhere and say I don't think the
receiver, they can make requestsbut they can't be demanding,
(27:58):
because if that person's not upfor it, we're talking the male
or the female, we're talkingabout different body functions
and how it all works and whatnot.
But there may be things thatyou're not willing to do.
So like.
I mean, I think you're kind ofgoing this direction, but if a
wife says I'm willing to give,that may not mean that she's
(28:20):
willing to receive penetration,correct.
Right and just kind of lay there.
So like I don't know, likewe're not suggesting it has to
be one thing or another, ifthat's something she's open to.
Like I just think we don'tassume things Correct and we can
make requests but the givergets a say and like, yeah, I'm
(28:41):
up for that, yeah, I'm not,because they're the ones saying
I'm willing to give.
But there's obviously a reasonthey are not in a space to
receive.
Brad Aldrich (28:50):
I think some of the language that we're
stumbling upon that is somehowsometimes different than this
conversation of take one for theteam is, I think, often what
it's seen as one person ispassive and just receives and
then, like, what we're talkingabout and I think this is so
(29:11):
important is that the personwho's taking one for the team
should be the giver.
Right, it isn't just passivity,it is I'm actively loving and
caring for my spouse because I'mchoosing to at this time and I
want to, and I want to give themthat, and I think that's just
(29:36):
such a different way than thisis normally talked about.
Kate Aldrich (29:41):
Yeah, I don't know .
There's definitely someimportant conversations to have
there.
I feel like that's a kind of amuddy field and that's where
this just gets very confusingand where we end up with people
feeling pressured andexpectations and it's always got
to be this way.
And that's why Brad and I aresaying, like it really needs to
(30:03):
be in a place where you cancommunicate about it.
And I would actually go out asfar to say if you guys aren't in
a space to communicate about it, well then it should be a no
Correct.
Right, no, we always say like weshould be able to express,
because it's just too damagingpotentially.
Brad Aldrich (30:20):
Right, like the ideal is, you need to be able to
have language to express yourdesire without undue pressure.
Right, and so if it's gettingto this place where it feels
like I'm pressuring your partner, that's not going to be healthy
for your relationship.
Right and yes.
On the other side, we should beable to communicate no without
(30:43):
undue rejection.
So I can't really think aboutthat right now.
I love you so much and we don'twant to have the.
You're disgusting because youwant this to go with the feeling
of no.
Speaker 3 (31:02):
Right, and you're not disgusting if you don't want it
to, because I think that'simportant, but there's, so it
goes both ways it does, it does,but I will tell you there's so
often there's something wrong.
Brad Aldrich (31:12):
There's something wrong with you, yeah, which is
different message, but still isdevastating yeah, I tell you and
this is because I'm talkingwith guys I will tell you.
Often I hear from guys who doget thrown at that you know, how
could you want that?
That's all you think about,that's all you care about, that
(31:33):
kind of message.
Kate Aldrich (31:34):
Okay, but those two are different.
How could you want that?
I don't understand that.
It's God designed, right.
Like that's a different messagethan that's all you want.
Yeah, how could you want it?
And you only ever want it.
Those are different, right?
So I feel like all you everwant is probably more what
(31:56):
you're hearing and maybe not.
Sometimes I'm sure you'rehearing the like why would you
want it?
Well, god designed it.
But I do understand.
Lots of people grow up inchurch hearing.
It's disgusting and it's gross,but save it for marriage
because that'll be great whichis that, you know, is so super
confusing to your mind, to yourbody.
(32:17):
It's so super confusing to yourmind, to your body.
I think I don't know.
For our journey there was neverthe thought of how could you
want it?
It was always just feeling likeyou wanted it a whole lot more
than I did.
Brad Aldrich (32:31):
And I definitely think you did that well.
I will tell you, I talked tosomebody.
That's very kind of you.
I talked to somebody veryrecently who they ended up
having an argument with theirwife because they both had a bad
day.
And her bad day she was like Ijust want to be alone, don't
(32:53):
have anyone touch me, and hisbad day was yeah, it would all
just be so much better if wejust had sex.
Kate Aldrich (32:59):
She wanted to sit in her hotel room with her diet
Sprite from Date Night.
Yes, we love that movie.
Brad Aldrich (33:05):
That's right, and it is just how they were wired
differently.
But he was like, oh my gosh,the only thing I could think
about was how much if we justhad sex, everything would be so
much better.
And I'm like that is just howyou're wired.
Kate Aldrich (33:24):
There's nothing wrong with you because you're
thinking that, but it won'tnecessarily make everything
better.
That's a fallacy.
But yes, sex is a connector.
It's a connector, it's arelaxer, it's a.
You know all of these kind ofthings.
Brad Aldrich (33:32):
So there is truth in what he was trying to think
through.
Sure, and I also said, justbecause that's where your brain
went we have to honor our spouse, and where they're at right,
there has to be that place ofhonoring.
Kate Aldrich (33:53):
And I think too this is me coming from the other
side like the lord wouldn'tmake one thing.
The end like like if we justhad sex it would make everything
better.
I'm getting off on a tangenthere, but there's not just one
answer to that.
Yes, I honor that.
For him, in that moment, sexfelt like the connector and the
(34:14):
thing that would make so much ofthat stress come down.
But there's just never oneanswer that's going to fix all
of those self-care thingsthere's not because if there is,
we're in trouble because right,and so I hear that and that
might be his preference.
(34:34):
But there are other things toothat can help.
Same and same with a wife likeit's not just, or with a lower
drive spouse.
I'm not trying to dishonor that, I'm just saying, um, there are
many times I'm like shoppingwould just make this all better.
Right now, thriftingspecifically, and the reality is
it makes it better for a fewminutes.
Brad Aldrich (34:57):
It doesn't mean like it does not fix everything
and you're you are exactly right, you, you are correct.
It is not a fix all or end all,but there are places where sex
is an important part of anintimate marriage yes, right so
we need to.
Kate Aldrich (35:15):
We need to think through it's not the same as
thrifting, then Is that whatyou're saying?
Just kidding, just kidding.
Brad Aldrich (35:24):
So, all in all, we're saying it can be okay to
take one for the team, eithergender, but it has to be talked
about.
It can't be a hidden take onefor the team and it can't be an
expected.
You have to take one for theteam.
Kate Aldrich (35:38):
Right, and if you aren't in a place where you can
communicate about it, then itjust needs to be a no until you
figure out how to communicateabout it.
Brad Aldrich (35:47):
well, okay I have a feeling we might get some
comments on this one and pushback, and I would love to hear
it right, I would.
Every time we talk about sex, weget some pushback on it, so we
would love to hear your thoughtsand you know, yeah, just your
experience, so you can certainlyreach out to us at help at
(36:11):
still becoming one, and we wouldlove to, you know, hear your
thoughts and hear your questionsabout all of this as well.
You know, hear your thoughtsand hear your questions about
all of this as well, and, yeah,we're just looking forward to
continuing to explore somereally important topics that
come along as we're on thisjourney of becoming one.
Yeah.
(36:31):
All right, Well, until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (36:35):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (36:41):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(37:04):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.