April 2, 2025 • 38 mins
Brad and Kate welcome J Parker, author of "The Higher Desire Wife," to discuss the often overlooked reality of wives who desire more sexual intimacy than their husbands and how couples can navigate this sensitive dynamic with understanding and compassion.
• Sexual desire fluctuates throughout marriage, with partners' drives shifting multiple times over the years
• Numerous factors affect male sexual desire, including stress, sleep, health issues, testosterone levels, relationship issues, and more
• When wives want more sex than husbands, it doesn't automatically mean he isn't attracted to her or is getting satisfaction elsewhere
• Approaching desire differences as an "us issue" rather than blaming one spouse creates safety for honest conversations
• Pornography and other sexual sin rewire the brain to view sex as consumption rather than intimate participation
• Creating intentional attraction by focusing on your spouse helps maintain desire in long-term relationships
• "Closing the gap" requires positive vision-casting rather than complaints about what isn't happening
• Sexual intimacy requires vulnerability and effort but brings a deeper connection than solo sexual experiences
Link to the book: The Higher Desire Wife
J's podcast: Sex Chat For Christian Wives
J's blog: Hot Holy Humorous
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (00:35):
We are excited to have you all here today.
We're really excited because wehave one of our friends of the
show on to share a little bitabout some new things coming out
.
Kate Aldrich (00:47):
Yeah, we are joined today by a friend of ours
and fellow marriage ministryworker.
I don't know what.
We call ourselves Champion,champion.
There we go there you go Jay,parker or Julie, whichever you
prefer to go by and superexcited for her, as she is just
recently launched her sixth booknot sixth in marriage, but six
(01:12):
in general, which is amazing andher book is titled the Higher
Desire Wife, which is definitelyan area that I feel like has
needed some resources for sure,and I'm sure all the higher
desire wives out there wouldagree.
So we are super excited to haveJay with us today.
So, yeah, welcome andcongratulations on your book
(01:36):
release, thanks so much.
J Parker (01:38):
I really appreciate you having me, and I know that
y'all have been champions formarriage for a long time.
Remember when I first kind ofgot to know y'all and you're
just produced so much greatcontent through the years.
Kate Aldrich (01:50):
Thanks.
We appreciate that, you as well.
So we're excited to talk aboutthis and get the conversation
started and hopefully in somemarriages out there we'll get
the conversation started as well.
Brad Aldrich (02:03):
Yeah.
So, jay, tell us a little bitabout what motivated you to want
to write this.
J Parker (02:11):
Yeah, you've probably gotten these communications
through the years.
But what happens sometimes whenyou're talking about sex?
I started the blog hoping toencourage wives to have sex more
, so that was the original pointof my ministry and then I would
get feedback from wives whowere saying, hey, it's opposite.
In my marriage, I'm the onewho's wanting sex more than my
(02:35):
husband.
And what also happened for meis I experienced all of it too.
My husband and I were matched atone point in our sexual desire
and then, after we had kids, mysex drive took a nosedive and
then I kind of came back up fromthat.
And as I came back up from that, we were matched briefly and
(02:56):
then my desire passed his, andso I found myself totally
understanding that feeling of,hey, I'm wanting more sexual
intimacy and I'm not getting itand what's going on?
And just feeling like somethingwas wrong with me, and then for
(03:16):
a long time thinking somethingmust be wrong with me and then
also starting to say what'swrong with him, and I just I
wanted answers.
And so I went out and lookedfor answers and I've talked to a
lot of higher desire wivesthrough the years and spent
several years putting it all ina book.
Kate Aldrich (03:34):
Wow, that's awesome, I think you know and
and Jay's blog is hot, holyhumorous we forgot to mention
that in the beginning and Ithink what you just said there
is so important and what I thinkI would love for every
premarital couple to know itshifts and changes potentially
many times throughout yourrelationship.
(03:55):
Right, absolutely.
I think we're kind of sold thislie, especially by the church,
that it'll just all be matchedthe whole time and you'll be
ripping each other's clothes offall the time and there's
nothing to navigate.
So like I love that even withinyou writing this book, there is
the reality of you know, yousharing in your relationship and
that's been true in ours aswell it does shift and change.
(04:16):
It doesn't always stay the samepeople, so like even that truth
right there, I think, is hugefor people.
J Parker (04:23):
Yeah, I've even said that a lot of couples who don't
think they need this informationmay need this information
Because he might be higher nowand she might be lower, or they
might be matched, and you know,we have these seasons in life
and things might flip and youmight want to know what are the
reasons or what can we do aboutit.
(04:44):
I know y'all talk about thattoo how to close that desire gap
.
Sure, and it doesn't mean thatyou're going to be exactly the
same, but you can often closethe gap a bit.
That's good.
Brad Aldrich (04:55):
I think that closing the gap part is
something that you talk a lotabout in the book, is really
trying to bring a level ofunderstanding of what's going on
for the couple, and I'm curious, honestly you spend a lot of
time talking about the differentthings that could be impacting
(05:22):
the desire level of both peoplein the relationship.
And I'm curious, as you weredoing research, is there
anything that surprised you,that was like, oh, that might be
something?
J Parker (05:34):
Oh yeah, when I started doing research there had
several things that I knew forsure were part of this puzzle.
But as I started looking at allthe reasons that a husband
might have less sex drive, heanticipated or they anticipated
the reasons just kind of keptpiling up.
There were more and more andmore.
(05:55):
So part of me feels a littlebad that there's a big section
of the book that kind of talksabout that, although each
chapter is not just describingthe thing, it's also talking
about how to manage it.
But some of them surprised me Alot of the physical health
stuff, things about weight, diet, poor sleep and the reason that
(06:17):
those things all have an effectis that they especially they
affect male testosterone,especially if they affect male
testosterone.
Sure, and and I knew stress wasa big one but just reading more
and more about how stress canreally do a number on your
sexual desire, I saw peopleactually, when they're stressed
they want to have more sexbecause they find it relieving,
(06:40):
but there's a lot of people whodon't, because the cortisol, the
stress hormone, blocks a lot ofyour ability to get aroused, to
feel that desire.
Kate Aldrich (06:53):
That makes sense for sure.
Brad Aldrich (06:54):
No, it makes a ton of sense and I think it's so
important for people torecognize there may be lots of
different things going on torecognize there may be lots of
different things going on, and Ithink there is this assumption
(07:15):
out there that if a wife desiressex more than her husband does,
that one of two things ishappening Either he's getting it
somewhere else or he doesn'tlike her.
I think those are kind of theassumptions that's out there.
J Parker (07:31):
Yes, a lot of wives who have struggled with this
will say I don't feel like hewants me.
I mean, we all want to bewanted in some way and so they
think, well, I must not beattractive to him.
And that's almost never thecase.
I'm not saying never, there aremoments but for the most part
(07:54):
that's just not it.
He chose her, he married her,he's attracted to her.
There's other stuff going on,yeah, yeah.
Kate Aldrich (08:03):
And it's just interesting just interesting, as
you said, like you found that,that as you were researching,
that there was so much more thatyou know more than you
anticipated and how much thingsare affecting it, and yet often
it's chalked up to like twothings very basic, right and um,
so yeah, so that that the pieceof your book that is educating
(08:26):
people, I think is huge, to beable to think about these
different things and be able toask good questions of themselves
, like what could actually beimpacting this.
So I think that's really reallygood, because the information
out there is very small andnarrow and often not true.
J Parker (08:47):
And with all these reasons, I'm hoping it.
I try to say this in the book.
I'm hoping it doesn't comeacross as we're just trying to
figure out what is wrong withhim.
That's not the point Rightthere.
There may be nothing wrong.
It may just be, though, that heisn't getting enough sleep, and
maybe that's something that youneed to tackle.
I mean, these are things thatcan impact it.
So kind of seeing how complexthis is and asking the questions
(09:12):
of where in this list do wethink some things are happening
and how can we tackle that issuecan make a big difference.
Kate Aldrich (09:21):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, and I think it lends
itself to how complex we are aspeople and I think the Lord made
us that way in an incredibleway.
But it also impacts things thatare good and positive.
And I know, even for us, like Ithink back and there was a time
in our marriage it wasn't thatlong ago and there were things
(09:43):
outside of our control that werereally stressful and we were
trying to figure out how tocontinue navigating sexual
intimacy with all of thosethings in our home too, that
were really difficult.
And I remember you, brad,saying to me one time, like we
need to just have our space,like this was deeply impacting
it, but it was something youwouldn't necessarily think about
(10:05):
.
We need to just have our space,like this was deeply impacting
it, but it was something youwouldn't necessarily think about
.
We need to just have our space,like that we're not going to
process that, that thing that'sgoing on in our lives, that
thing that's super stressful inour bedroom in our bedroom right
, so we're gonna make that likethat's off limits in here.
That sounds harsh, but that wassomething that I know you
(10:25):
specifically needed.
Brad Aldrich (10:26):
It wasn't necessarily, I was having
trouble making the transitionbetween talking about this
stressful thing and then like oh, right, okay, now it's that
time, right okay, how do we dolike it just didn't happen?
Kate Aldrich (10:40):
right right like and and so just even like that,
right, it's something you haveto be able to sort of like enter
into what is happening.
And you know you talk aboutstress in the book and so that
definitely entered that.
But just thinking about howthat was entering the space that
we share sexual intimacy incause, we have teenagers, guys,
(11:03):
so there's really no other placeto share it at this point in
life.
But just thinking about that, Ithink you bringing up these
things there's going to starthuge like conversations.
J Parker (11:13):
But that's what I hope for couples that this will
raise conversation so I lovethat you point that out to you,
brad, that it was difficult foryou to transition, because I
think the other time that wesimplify things is we simplify
guys sexuality too much.
We have this attitude that guyscan just flip the switch and
(11:33):
that if they see their wifenaked or just looking nice that
day, that it's just this easything for them to go for it, and
I think that actually doesn'thonor men for their complexity.
Sure, and we need to look atall the things that could impact
their desire.
Kate Aldrich (11:52):
Absolutely.
Brad Aldrich (11:53):
Yeah, that's good I think that's probably one of
the things that I liked aboutyour book the most is a
compassionate understanding ofthere's a lot of things that
affect his desire that aren'tnecessarily bad, right?
How do you advise because I'mgoing to guess that most of the
(12:13):
first people who pick up thisbook will be the wife right,
it's called Higher Desire Wives,so I think most of the first
time it's going to be a wife whopicks this up how do you
encourage them to address thislong list of potential things
that may be happening with loveand compassion?
J Parker (12:38):
Yeah, great question.
And I think that you need tostart by feeling that to some
extent, feeling the gentleness,the love, the compassion.
And, you know, don't don't goto your husband and say, hey, I
figured out what's wrong withyou.
See, everything will be great.
(12:59):
That's not what we're talkingabout here.
You're trying to close the gap,you're not trying to be right
about everything, and so youneed to look at where you're
each coming from, and you canask questions such as I've been
reading about some things thatcan affect testosterone and I'm
wondering if some of these mightbe going on in your life.
(13:20):
Would you be willing to go gettested?
Or let me just share some ofthis with you what do you think
about that?
And ask for feedback and reallylisten and try to hear their
story, and then you can kind of,and as you show that you're on
their side.
People are always more willingto share things when they feel
safe and when they feel like theperson over there is not
(13:43):
looking for the gotchas butlooking to help.
Kate Aldrich (13:47):
Yeah.
J Parker (13:48):
And I think it's always important for the higher
desire spouse, whichever onethat is, to stress that this is
not about getting the sex.
I mean it is in the sense thatof course you want to have sex.
But what does sex mean to you?
It means something deeper.
It means connection, it meansexpression of love.
(14:11):
It means you know whatever itmeans to you to be able to
express that what you're missingis the person.
Yeah, the intimacy with theperson.
Yeah, the intimacy with theperson.
Kate Aldrich (14:22):
Yeah, that's really good because I I know on
both sides it can feel very muchlike, oh, that's just all you
want, kind of thing.
Right that, that attitude oflike, oh, you just want sex.
And I think we do want to bekind and compassionate to our
spouse and understand and thething that I've always tried to
(14:43):
say to people in the beginningwe weren't good at this, but,
like any challenges youexperience in your sexual
intimacy, it's a, it's an uschallenge, not just a him or her
right, regardless if it is himor her, it's us.
And so how do we navigate this?
Just like anything else that,for whatever reason, we're not
(15:07):
on the same page about, and so Ithink when we can come to it
with that kind of gentleness andkindness, hopefully we can have
conversations that don't feelthreatening and feel like the
goal is actually the two of yougrowing together in whatever,
(15:27):
and in this case sexual intimacy.
So I think that's really good,because I think otherwise we
just continue to create wallsand hurt.
Brad Aldrich (15:36):
Yeah.
J Parker (15:37):
Yeah, you sometimes have to rehearse some of these
things, I think in your head too, and that has helped me when we
were first working on thisissue, just reminding myself he
is attracted to me and he doeslove me, and I can see he loves
me in all these other ways.
So this sex piece is noteverything we want it to be, but
(16:01):
it's not the whole of ourmarriage, and I can see all
these other places where thingsare going well, so we can tackle
this one too.
Brad Aldrich (16:18):
Yeah, I think that's really important.
I'm curious, as you've beentalking to higher drive wives
and as a couple, what theirresponse is usually from their
husband when they're broughtwith that kind of approach.
J Parker (16:33):
Yeah, it's interesting .
I've heard all the range ofstories.
There are some people who,unfortunately, have kind of
tried all the things that youwould think would work and
they're still struggling.
And I think it's because theperson is just, they just have a
barrier and oftentimes it'ssomething emotional from their
(16:54):
past and they're just reallystruggling to get past the
barrier, to get there.
But more often I hear moreopenness than you might think,
that men are willing to hearthese things, especially if they
don't feel attacked a lot oftimes.
Well, one way in which I thinkthe situation is somewhat
(17:17):
different than when it's ahigher desire husband and a
lower desire wife, is it in thiscase when the husband is
curious Well, you're not enoughfor me, or you're not having sex
with your wife enough.
A lot of guys feel that theirmasculinity is attacked, and so
(17:38):
you would think that they wouldsay, well, that I'm going to
step up and do all thismasculinity.
You would think that they wouldsay, well, that I'm going to
step up and do all thismasculinity.
But if you are an avoider too,you don't.
You don't want to be reminded.
You don't want to be remindedof this.
So it's difficult for you tohave those conversations and you
don't want to hear thecomplaint, and so it really does
need to come from a good place.
(18:00):
But once you do that, andespecially if you can reaffirm
that, you know, I say all thetime to Lord's, our husbands,
you're all man, you're all man,okay, but yeah, it's just this
issue.
Yeah, it's not about yourmasculinity and so, but a lot of
men are open to, hey, you know,what could we do to make this
(18:22):
better?
Brad Aldrich (18:23):
And I hear a lot of those same things from guys
who are experiencing someerectile dysfunction.
We would think, because it's onliterally every sporting event
whatever, there's commercialsnow for the treatments.
(18:43):
But you'd think that that mightchange some of this mindset.
But there still is this manhood, masculinity I'm good enough
mentality that if guys strugglein that area then they don't
know what to do with that.
It's rocking to the core andthen you're exactly right, I
(19:04):
think a lot of times then theidea is avoidance, or at least,
if it's not totally avoidant,it's at least spread it out
significantly.
So the likelihood of thathappening goes quite a bit down
and they don't talk about it.
J Parker (19:28):
Right down and right.
They don't talk about it right,or only only engaging when all
the circumstances are right, youknow.
So I think I can really make ithappen this time.
Brad Aldrich (19:34):
So and they just good, don't know how to
communicate that to their spouse.
In fact, one of the things whenI'm dealing with guys now in my
age bracket 40s and 50s andabove is I hear this kind of
stuff all the time and my firstthing that I talk to them about
(19:55):
is communicating to their wifewhat's going on, and I think
almost all of them have notcommunicated the fact that they
have had sometimes a fear oflosing their erection and they
don't know how to talk about it.
Kate Aldrich (20:12):
So that becomes a major issue.
Yeah, yeah, I get that.
J Parker (20:19):
You know I bet y'all see this all the time we let
problems in our marriage go toolong, oftentimes just because
we're unwilling to bring up thetopic and have a good
conversation about it.
Kate Aldrich (20:30):
We work with a lot of people where it's like why
is that?
Why is it really hard for youto bring it up?
And one of the things that Itell people and Brad and I've
always told this to ourteenagers too.
You know, maybe I don't andhear me in this, I don't suggest
this for everything but if it'sreally hard to get it past your
(20:50):
lips, send a text and say Iwould really like to talk to you
about this.
Okay, the conversation doesn'thappen via text, but a lot of
times that is a tool we can usewhen it's really hard to get it
out here, because that it's justreally hard to do.
Um, and and still, there has tobe kindness and gentleness in
(21:13):
that text and I'm for us, not ahey, this is happening and you
need to fix it, but like evensaying I'm having trouble
bringing this up, but I know weneed to talk about it and right,
and sometimes that can get youinto that space where you can
enter both, coming with thatgentle attitude.
(21:34):
So I would say, like, thinkoutside the box, don't continue
to have the conversation viatext or email or anything like
that, but sometimes starting itthat way is super helpful for
people.
Brad Aldrich (21:46):
Yeah, absolutely.
J Parker (21:48):
That's a great point.
We've actually done thatemailed each other sometimes
when there's a tense thinghappening, and gives us a little
more chance to explainourselves and what our true
motives and heart is aboutsomething, before we then come
back together and talk.
Brad Aldrich (22:05):
So, jay, your book talks a lot about the physical
health and emotional health andrelationship health and and all
of these other factors, but youdo also spend a little bit of
time talking about this thingthat is, I think, a lot of times
at the root is a fear of theremay be somebody else, there may
(22:26):
be sexual sin, there might besomething else going on.
Talk to us a little bit aboutwhen that is part of the formula
here.
J Parker (22:36):
Yeah, one of the things you did mention earlier
the idea that he's getting itelsewhere and I would say, yes,
there could be adultery, butthere is often sexual acting out
is is more likely, and what Imean by that is there is not
necessarily another person thatthey're engaging with, but
(22:56):
they're engaging withpornography or they're, or it
could be, um, you know, chatrooms or going to strip club or
whatever those kinds of thingsare, and so their sexual energy
is getting burnt out in thoseplaces and it's also retraining
(23:16):
their view of sexuality.
To be a, you basically become aconsumer of sex rather than a
participle participant withanother person, and so it can
become more difficult sometimesfor these men to engage with
their wives and find that to bea really good experience.
(23:39):
Also, they're not sure what shereally likes, because the stuff
that's been shown to them isnot what she really likes and it
doesn't really get her there,and he thinks it should, or
maybe he's scared to try any ofthat, and so it's very bland.
(24:00):
I mean, there's just numerousthings going on there.
Brad Aldrich (24:14):
But yeah, pornography is actually one of
the biggest reasons why I thinkwe're seeing younger men,
particularly, who are strugglingwith less desire.
Yeah, absolutely, we've talkedabout this on this show before.
But you know, the reality ispornography.
All of those things that youjust talked about are selfish.
They're not sexual intimacy,they're just sexual experiences,
right, and having sexualintimacy with somebody else,
(24:36):
that is vulnerable, that isopening yourself up and in a way
of giving and receiving, whichis totally different and it's
more wonderful.
But it's also more work, right?
And I think a lot of times whenyou've had a huge diet of
pornography, then it's like,well, why do I need that right?
(24:58):
Like, why do I need that Right?
Like, why do I even looktowards that?
Kate Aldrich (25:02):
Well, and there's vulnerability to intimacy where,
like I would think there needsto be less vulnerability for
your own personal self in inusing those sexual experiences.
J Parker (25:20):
So yeah, yeah, we prime ourselves toward selfish
sexual activity in those things,as opposed to the intimacy
you're talking about, and I dothink it's harder also, and I
said, let's face it, you know,for the most part, when a couple
is having sex, he is probablydoing a little bit more than she
(25:43):
is as far as the actual thingsthat need to happen.
So I think sometimes, though,if you've gone through the
pornography and everything, itfeels like work to get to get
there and I should.
I mean it is effort, thereshould be effort involved in sex
(26:03):
but it shouldn't feel like ohwow, this is just a lot of work.
I gotta schlep myself here androll up my sleeves and make it
happen, and you know but thenagain too, like anything really
worth, something in life.
Kate Aldrich (26:20):
It is I wouldn't say work.
It takes, as you said.
Brad Aldrich (26:23):
It takes intentionality and effort and
communication and connection andall of those things, which
that's the challenge.
When there isn't any of thatand there is, you know, it gets
hard.
J Parker (26:38):
And I'm sure that you've dealt with this with.
There's kind of a time periodbetween when you leave off from
that and when you start havingintimacy with your wife.
That's actually the kind thatyou think, wow, this is so much
better.
There's kind of a gap in the inthat timing, and so you have to
(26:59):
be willing to trust that.
You've got to kick that out thedoor, You've got to deal with
it together and then figure outhow to retrain both of you to
have the kind of really greatphysical intimacy your marriage
deserves.
That's really good For sure.
Brad Aldrich (27:17):
Yeah.
So, Jay, you talk a lot aboutsome of these different factors
that are going on, but you alsospend some time talking about
wives.
Why is your drive higher?
J Parker (27:28):
How do you?
Brad Aldrich (27:29):
answer that question.
J Parker (27:31):
Well, it depends.
I mean, sometimes it's just arelative thing, because maybe
you're the higher desire wife inthis marriage, but had you
married a different man, youwould be the lower desire spouse
, and so sometimes it's just arelative thing and that's just
kind of how it is.
There are some wives that arehypersexual and so they need to
(27:51):
think about whether theirexpectations or desires are
reasonable.
Are they looking to sex forthings that sex is not intended
to give you?
You know whether it's thevalidation the you know if you
have body image issues.
Some women find that havingless of sex will make them feel
(28:13):
better about their bodies andthings like that.
So you might need to askyourself about whether your
desire is at the healthy level.
But yeah, but there's just some, some wives too, some wives too
, or some women who just have ahigher desire, and we just have
a variation among people, andthat's okay.
Brad Aldrich (28:35):
So I'm going to ask the question.
Like we talked aboutpornography for men as being a
potential cause of their lowerdesire for their wife, Do you
see the rise of romance novelsand all of those things?
Or pornography, or pornographyfor women being a connection to
(28:57):
their higher desire.
J Parker (29:00):
Yes, I do think that there are wives out there who
get themselves worked up arousedwith pornography, erotica,
romance novels, bridgerton, nameyour thing, whatever it is and
then they basically want to kindof go take it out on their
husband, and that's a problembecause, again, you're missing
out on the intimacy and you'reapproaching sex as a selfish
(29:25):
activity, something that's aboutstating what you stirred up
inside you instead of aconnecting moment with your
husband, and your sexual energyneeds to go to your spouse.
Kate Aldrich (29:38):
I would add, with that, and that's a journey to
figure out if that desire iscoming.
Without any of that, it is good,right, there is nothing wrong,
because I think the reason, likeimages in our heads you know,
brad always says, if we go backI don't know long time ago, when
(29:59):
there weren't all these great,great, crazy resources out there
, like it was to remember yourspouse and to be like, oh, I
can't wait to see them again,like you know, all of those
things.
And so I think we always haveto talk about the flip side,
because the Lord did create itas a good thing, and you
remembering your spouse, orthinking about them, or thinking
(30:21):
about how they look, and thatcreating desire, that's a good
thing.
Look, and that creating desire,that's a good thing.
Yeah, um, it's when we'veallowed it to be other sources
of things that are not ourspouse, that are not ours to
have, that it creates.
That I guess I would say, likeyour spouse knows nothing about
(30:44):
that, which is not good, right,that's like something that they
don't know is going on inside ofyour head.
J Parker (30:53):
Totally true.
I also think we don't need tofear that you might see someone
and think, hey, that'sattractive person.
Or whether it's you're watchingTV, you're watching a movie, we
notice beauty around us, butit's you know, you're watching
TV or watching a movie, it's youknow?
Yeah, we notice beauty aroundus but it's what you're
fostering, what you're, you'redwelling on.
(31:15):
I mean it's it's the, the ideathat the grass is greener where
you water it.
And so if I see a good lookingcelebrity or whatever and I
think, wow, that's a really nice, good, nice looking man, I
almost immediately now think,yeah, but not as great as my
husband, you know, cause I'vekind of fostered that in my head
(31:36):
, to think, yeah, but I wouldn'twant to go out with that guy.
I've got my husband.
Why would I want anyone but him?
Kate Aldrich (31:44):
I think too for me , I've, I've tried to, and I
don't know Brad you can speak tothis is the Lone Ranger guy in
this conversation but like I'vetried to foster, like Brad is
the definition to me ofattractive, and, and not just
physically but like all of hisattributes.
And, interestingly enough, Ifind then, with that kind of
(32:06):
mentality, the people who catchmy eye actually look like my
husband.
J Parker (32:11):
The same thing happens to me too.
I'm like I have such a type,and my type, apparently, is my
husband.
Brad Aldrich (32:17):
But I think that's how it should be.
Kate Aldrich (32:18):
But I think that's intentional and some some I
think people in general notjudging, but like could benefit
from trying to have that sort ofposture and mindset, because I
not only because he's way tallerthan me and I'm always looking
for him in a crowd, but now thathe shaves his head I'm like, oh
, that guy's attractive.
(32:39):
And then I'm like, actually, Ithink it's just because he
shaves his head right, Like it'snot, and so I think that is a
really good thing, because thenwe're always going to come back
Well, I shouldn't say always,but then I find myself always
going back to.
Well, that person reminds me ofBrad and that's why he caught
my eye.
So I think, yeah, I think bothof those having that mental
(33:02):
space where we say, okay, how amI going to be intentional about
this, is super helpful.
Brad Aldrich (33:07):
I don't know from a guy's perspective.
No, I think we have to be veryintentional about it and that
does help with desire.
I think one of the challenges Ithink in couples' desire, when
it's longer-term couples, issexual intimacy can become rote
(33:30):
just like anything else.
Right, this is what we do andyou know, being able to bring
something new and novel can bereally amazing to your
(33:52):
relationship and I think it goeswith that attractiveness, it
goes with that.
So, like you know, we've saidbefore, when's the last time
that you got dressed up and wentout to dinner, up and went out
to dinner?
We tend not to do those thingsin long-term marriages as much,
unless there's something elsedriving it right.
(34:13):
But why?
J Parker (34:18):
Yeah, and that's one of the other things about
closing this gap is I love howyou have these positive things
you're throwing out, becausesometimes what we end up saying
is, well, I'm not happy with howthings are now, and it starts
feeling like it's always acomplaint.
I'm not happy with how thingsare now, and it starts feeling
like it's always a complaint,Whereas one of the best ways to
talk to your spouse about desireis to say well, to cast a
vision and kind of say hey, Iwould really like for us to make
love more and I'd like us tospice it up a little bit.
(34:39):
Can we talk about what's in theway and see what we can do to
be connected more often?
Brad Aldrich (34:46):
I love that.
J Parker (34:47):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (34:48):
One of the questions I've learned to ask
couples when we start talkingabout this area a little bit is
tell me a little bit of whatlike vacation sex is like.
Because what, what you do inthat is you're cutting through
all of the.
The kids might hear the like,do we have time for this?
(35:11):
The stress that you're cuttingall of that out for this little
captured time.
And I find a lot of couples go,oh my gosh, if we could just
have vacation sex all the time,I'd be thrilled.
And then it's like, okay, nowit's not mechanical, it's all of
those other relationship thingsthat we need to figure out many
(35:34):
times, many times not always, Idon't want to say that always
across the board.
So, jay, this is such a reallygreat resource and I know we're
going to have links to it in theshow notes.
I know there's going to be alot of people who benefit from
the Higher Desire Wife and youknow we have already referred
(35:58):
many people to your podcast, sexChat for Christian Wives, and I
know there's a lot of peoplewho grow from that and benefit
from that.
J Parker (36:07):
Thank you so much.
I appreciate that I've referredpeople to y'all too, over and
over.
I especially know you have someresources, brad, for that
unwanted sexual behavior, andhopefully you'll share that too,
for sure.
Brad Aldrich (36:23):
Yeah, it's so good , it's so needed, and we're so
thankful that you wrote itabsolutely thanks, yeah
absolutely well, jay, it was sowonderful to have you back on
the show again and we're reallyreally excited for the book and
and know it's going to be reallybeneficial and bring good
things to a lot of people.
Yeah, for for sure.
(36:45):
Thanks, thank you so much.
Well, we're so glad.
I hope you guys got somethingout of that.
We're glad to have Jay on.
You guys can go and check out.
She's recorded with us before.
We've had her on a couple oftimes so you can certainly go on
.
If you look onaldrichministriescom slash
(37:06):
podcast, if you look onaldrichministriescom slash
podcast, you will be able tofind a whole list of categories
of things that we've talkedabout, including our guests on
before, so you can search thereand find all of Jay's awesome
episodes.
But until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (37:25):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (37:31):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(37:54):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (00:35):
We are excited to have you all here today.
We're really excited because wehave one of our friends of the
show on to share a little bitabout some new things coming out
.
Kate Aldrich (00:47):
Yeah, we are joined today by a friend of ours
and fellow marriage ministryworker.
I don't know what.
We call ourselves Champion,champion.
There we go there you go Jay,parker or Julie, whichever you
prefer to go by and superexcited for her, as she is just
recently launched her sixth booknot sixth in marriage, but six
(01:12):
in general, which is amazing andher book is titled the Higher
Desire Wife, which is definitelyan area that I feel like has
needed some resources for sure,and I'm sure all the higher
desire wives out there wouldagree.
So we are super excited to haveJay with us today.
So, yeah, welcome andcongratulations on your book
(01:36):
release, thanks so much.
J Parker (01:38):
I really appreciate you having me, and I know that
y'all have been champions formarriage for a long time.
Remember when I first kind ofgot to know y'all and you're
just produced so much greatcontent through the years.
Kate Aldrich (01:50):
Thanks.
We appreciate that, you as well.
So we're excited to talk aboutthis and get the conversation
started and hopefully in somemarriages out there we'll get
the conversation started as well.
Brad Aldrich (02:03):
Yeah.
So, jay, tell us a little bitabout what motivated you to want
to write this.
J Parker (02:11):
Yeah, you've probably gotten these communications
through the years.
But what happens sometimes whenyou're talking about sex?
I started the blog hoping toencourage wives to have sex more
, so that was the original pointof my ministry and then I would
get feedback from wives whowere saying, hey, it's opposite.
In my marriage, I'm the onewho's wanting sex more than my
(02:35):
husband.
And what also happened for meis I experienced all of it too.
My husband and I were matched atone point in our sexual desire
and then, after we had kids, mysex drive took a nosedive and
then I kind of came back up fromthat.
And as I came back up from that, we were matched briefly and
(02:56):
then my desire passed his, andso I found myself totally
understanding that feeling of,hey, I'm wanting more sexual
intimacy and I'm not getting itand what's going on?
And just feeling like somethingwas wrong with me, and then for
(03:16):
a long time thinking somethingmust be wrong with me and then
also starting to say what'swrong with him, and I just I
wanted answers.
And so I went out and lookedfor answers and I've talked to a
lot of higher desire wivesthrough the years and spent
several years putting it all ina book.
Kate Aldrich (03:34):
Wow, that's awesome, I think you know and
and Jay's blog is hot, holyhumorous we forgot to mention
that in the beginning and Ithink what you just said there
is so important and what I thinkI would love for every
premarital couple to know itshifts and changes potentially
many times throughout yourrelationship.
(03:55):
Right, absolutely.
I think we're kind of sold thislie, especially by the church,
that it'll just all be matchedthe whole time and you'll be
ripping each other's clothes offall the time and there's
nothing to navigate.
So like I love that even withinyou writing this book, there is
the reality of you know, yousharing in your relationship and
that's been true in ours aswell it does shift and change.
(04:16):
It doesn't always stay the samepeople, so like even that truth
right there, I think, is hugefor people.
J Parker (04:23):
Yeah, I've even said that a lot of couples who don't
think they need this informationmay need this information
Because he might be higher nowand she might be lower, or they
might be matched, and you know,we have these seasons in life
and things might flip and youmight want to know what are the
reasons or what can we do aboutit.
(04:44):
I know y'all talk about thattoo how to close that desire gap
.
Sure, and it doesn't mean thatyou're going to be exactly the
same, but you can often closethe gap a bit.
That's good.
Brad Aldrich (04:55):
I think that closing the gap part is
something that you talk a lotabout in the book, is really
trying to bring a level ofunderstanding of what's going on
for the couple, and I'm curious, honestly you spend a lot of
time talking about the differentthings that could be impacting
(05:22):
the desire level of both peoplein the relationship.
And I'm curious, as you weredoing research, is there
anything that surprised you,that was like, oh, that might be
something?
J Parker (05:34):
Oh yeah, when I started doing research there had
several things that I knew forsure were part of this puzzle.
But as I started looking at allthe reasons that a husband
might have less sex drive, heanticipated or they anticipated
the reasons just kind of keptpiling up.
There were more and more andmore.
(05:55):
So part of me feels a littlebad that there's a big section
of the book that kind of talksabout that, although each
chapter is not just describingthe thing, it's also talking
about how to manage it.
But some of them surprised me Alot of the physical health
stuff, things about weight, diet, poor sleep and the reason that
(06:17):
those things all have an effectis that they especially they
affect male testosterone,especially if they affect male
testosterone.
Sure, and and I knew stress wasa big one but just reading more
and more about how stress canreally do a number on your
sexual desire, I saw peopleactually, when they're stressed
they want to have more sexbecause they find it relieving,
(06:40):
but there's a lot of people whodon't, because the cortisol, the
stress hormone, blocks a lot ofyour ability to get aroused, to
feel that desire.
Kate Aldrich (06:53):
That makes sense for sure.
Brad Aldrich (06:54):
No, it makes a ton of sense and I think it's so
important for people torecognize there may be lots of
different things going on torecognize there may be lots of
different things going on, and Ithink there is this assumption
(07:15):
out there that if a wife desiressex more than her husband does,
that one of two things ishappening Either he's getting it
somewhere else or he doesn'tlike her.
I think those are kind of theassumptions that's out there.
J Parker (07:31):
Yes, a lot of wives who have struggled with this
will say I don't feel like hewants me.
I mean, we all want to bewanted in some way and so they
think, well, I must not beattractive to him.
And that's almost never thecase.
I'm not saying never, there aremoments but for the most part
(07:54):
that's just not it.
He chose her, he married her,he's attracted to her.
There's other stuff going on,yeah, yeah.
Kate Aldrich (08:03):
And it's just interesting just interesting, as
you said, like you found that,that as you were researching,
that there was so much more thatyou know more than you
anticipated and how much thingsare affecting it, and yet often
it's chalked up to like twothings very basic, right and um,
so yeah, so that that the pieceof your book that is educating
(08:26):
people, I think is huge, to beable to think about these
different things and be able toask good questions of themselves
, like what could actually beimpacting this.
So I think that's really reallygood, because the information
out there is very small andnarrow and often not true.
J Parker (08:47):
And with all these reasons, I'm hoping it.
I try to say this in the book.
I'm hoping it doesn't comeacross as we're just trying to
figure out what is wrong withhim.
That's not the point Rightthere.
There may be nothing wrong.
It may just be, though, that heisn't getting enough sleep, and
maybe that's something that youneed to tackle.
I mean, these are things thatcan impact it.
So kind of seeing how complexthis is and asking the questions
(09:12):
of where in this list do wethink some things are happening
and how can we tackle that issuecan make a big difference.
Kate Aldrich (09:21):
Yeah, yeah, exactly, and I think it lends
itself to how complex we are aspeople and I think the Lord made
us that way in an incredibleway.
But it also impacts things thatare good and positive.
And I know, even for us, like Ithink back and there was a time
in our marriage it wasn't thatlong ago and there were things
(09:43):
outside of our control that werereally stressful and we were
trying to figure out how tocontinue navigating sexual
intimacy with all of thosethings in our home too, that
were really difficult.
And I remember you, brad,saying to me one time, like we
need to just have our space,like this was deeply impacting
it, but it was something youwouldn't necessarily think about
(10:05):
.
We need to just have our space,like this was deeply impacting
it, but it was something youwouldn't necessarily think about
.
We need to just have our space,like that we're not going to
process that, that thing that'sgoing on in our lives, that
thing that's super stressful inour bedroom in our bedroom right
, so we're gonna make that likethat's off limits in here.
That sounds harsh, but that wassomething that I know you
(10:25):
specifically needed.
Brad Aldrich (10:26):
It wasn't necessarily, I was having
trouble making the transitionbetween talking about this
stressful thing and then like oh, right, okay, now it's that
time, right okay, how do we dolike it just didn't happen?
Kate Aldrich (10:40):
right right like and and so just even like that,
right, it's something you haveto be able to sort of like enter
into what is happening.
And you know you talk aboutstress in the book and so that
definitely entered that.
But just thinking about howthat was entering the space that
we share sexual intimacy incause, we have teenagers, guys,
(11:03):
so there's really no other placeto share it at this point in
life.
But just thinking about that, Ithink you bringing up these
things there's going to starthuge like conversations.
J Parker (11:13):
But that's what I hope for couples that this will
raise conversation so I lovethat you point that out to you,
brad, that it was difficult foryou to transition, because I
think the other time that wesimplify things is we simplify
guys sexuality too much.
We have this attitude that guyscan just flip the switch and
(11:33):
that if they see their wifenaked or just looking nice that
day, that it's just this easything for them to go for it, and
I think that actually doesn'thonor men for their complexity.
Sure, and we need to look atall the things that could impact
their desire.
Kate Aldrich (11:52):
Absolutely.
Brad Aldrich (11:53):
Yeah, that's good I think that's probably one of
the things that I liked aboutyour book the most is a
compassionate understanding ofthere's a lot of things that
affect his desire that aren'tnecessarily bad, right?
How do you advise because I'mgoing to guess that most of the
(12:13):
first people who pick up thisbook will be the wife right,
it's called Higher Desire Wives,so I think most of the first
time it's going to be a wife whopicks this up how do you
encourage them to address thislong list of potential things
that may be happening with loveand compassion?
J Parker (12:38):
Yeah, great question.
And I think that you need tostart by feeling that to some
extent, feeling the gentleness,the love, the compassion.
And, you know, don't don't goto your husband and say, hey, I
figured out what's wrong withyou.
See, everything will be great.
(12:59):
That's not what we're talkingabout here.
You're trying to close the gap,you're not trying to be right
about everything, and so youneed to look at where you're
each coming from, and you canask questions such as I've been
reading about some things thatcan affect testosterone and I'm
wondering if some of these mightbe going on in your life.
(13:20):
Would you be willing to go gettested?
Or let me just share some ofthis with you what do you think
about that?
And ask for feedback and reallylisten and try to hear their
story, and then you can kind of,and as you show that you're on
their side.
People are always more willingto share things when they feel
safe and when they feel like theperson over there is not
(13:43):
looking for the gotchas butlooking to help.
Kate Aldrich (13:47):
Yeah.
J Parker (13:48):
And I think it's always important for the higher
desire spouse, whichever onethat is, to stress that this is
not about getting the sex.
I mean it is in the sense thatof course you want to have sex.
But what does sex mean to you?
It means something deeper.
It means connection, it meansexpression of love.
(14:11):
It means you know whatever itmeans to you to be able to
express that what you're missingis the person.
Yeah, the intimacy with theperson.
Yeah, the intimacy with theperson.
Kate Aldrich (14:22):
Yeah, that's really good because I I know on
both sides it can feel very muchlike, oh, that's just all you
want, kind of thing.
Right that, that attitude oflike, oh, you just want sex.
And I think we do want to bekind and compassionate to our
spouse and understand and thething that I've always tried to
(14:43):
say to people in the beginningwe weren't good at this, but,
like any challenges youexperience in your sexual
intimacy, it's a, it's an uschallenge, not just a him or her
right, regardless if it is himor her, it's us.
And so how do we navigate this?
Just like anything else that,for whatever reason, we're not
(15:07):
on the same page about, and so Ithink when we can come to it
with that kind of gentleness andkindness, hopefully we can have
conversations that don't feelthreatening and feel like the
goal is actually the two of yougrowing together in whatever,
(15:27):
and in this case sexual intimacy.
So I think that's really good,because I think otherwise we
just continue to create wallsand hurt.
Brad Aldrich (15:36):
Yeah.
J Parker (15:37):
Yeah, you sometimes have to rehearse some of these
things, I think in your head too, and that has helped me when we
were first working on thisissue, just reminding myself he
is attracted to me and he doeslove me, and I can see he loves
me in all these other ways.
So this sex piece is noteverything we want it to be, but
(16:01):
it's not the whole of ourmarriage, and I can see all
these other places where thingsare going well, so we can tackle
this one too.
Brad Aldrich (16:18):
Yeah, I think that's really important.
I'm curious, as you've beentalking to higher drive wives
and as a couple, what theirresponse is usually from their
husband when they're broughtwith that kind of approach.
J Parker (16:33):
Yeah, it's interesting .
I've heard all the range ofstories.
There are some people who,unfortunately, have kind of
tried all the things that youwould think would work and
they're still struggling.
And I think it's because theperson is just, they just have a
barrier and oftentimes it'ssomething emotional from their
(16:54):
past and they're just reallystruggling to get past the
barrier, to get there.
But more often I hear moreopenness than you might think,
that men are willing to hearthese things, especially if they
don't feel attacked a lot oftimes.
Well, one way in which I thinkthe situation is somewhat
(17:17):
different than when it's ahigher desire husband and a
lower desire wife, is it in thiscase when the husband is
curious Well, you're not enoughfor me, or you're not having sex
with your wife enough.
A lot of guys feel that theirmasculinity is attacked, and so
(17:38):
you would think that they wouldsay, well, that I'm going to
step up and do all thismasculinity.
You would think that they wouldsay, well, that I'm going to
step up and do all thismasculinity.
But if you are an avoider too,you don't.
You don't want to be reminded.
You don't want to be remindedof this.
So it's difficult for you tohave those conversations and you
don't want to hear thecomplaint, and so it really does
need to come from a good place.
(18:00):
But once you do that, andespecially if you can reaffirm
that, you know, I say all thetime to Lord's, our husbands,
you're all man, you're all man,okay, but yeah, it's just this
issue.
Yeah, it's not about yourmasculinity and so, but a lot of
men are open to, hey, you know,what could we do to make this
(18:22):
better?
Brad Aldrich (18:23):
And I hear a lot of those same things from guys
who are experiencing someerectile dysfunction.
We would think, because it's onliterally every sporting event
whatever, there's commercialsnow for the treatments.
(18:43):
But you'd think that that mightchange some of this mindset.
But there still is this manhood, masculinity I'm good enough
mentality that if guys strugglein that area then they don't
know what to do with that.
It's rocking to the core andthen you're exactly right, I
(19:04):
think a lot of times then theidea is avoidance, or at least,
if it's not totally avoidant,it's at least spread it out
significantly.
So the likelihood of thathappening goes quite a bit down
and they don't talk about it.
J Parker (19:28):
Right down and right.
They don't talk about it right,or only only engaging when all
the circumstances are right, youknow.
So I think I can really make ithappen this time.
Brad Aldrich (19:34):
So and they just good, don't know how to
communicate that to their spouse.
In fact, one of the things whenI'm dealing with guys now in my
age bracket 40s and 50s andabove is I hear this kind of
stuff all the time and my firstthing that I talk to them about
(19:55):
is communicating to their wifewhat's going on, and I think
almost all of them have notcommunicated the fact that they
have had sometimes a fear oflosing their erection and they
don't know how to talk about it.
Kate Aldrich (20:12):
So that becomes a major issue.
Yeah, yeah, I get that.
J Parker (20:19):
You know I bet y'all see this all the time we let
problems in our marriage go toolong, oftentimes just because
we're unwilling to bring up thetopic and have a good
conversation about it.
Kate Aldrich (20:30):
We work with a lot of people where it's like why
is that?
Why is it really hard for youto bring it up?
And one of the things that Itell people and Brad and I've
always told this to ourteenagers too.
You know, maybe I don't andhear me in this, I don't suggest
this for everything but if it'sreally hard to get it past your
(20:50):
lips, send a text and say Iwould really like to talk to you
about this.
Okay, the conversation doesn'thappen via text, but a lot of
times that is a tool we can usewhen it's really hard to get it
out here, because that it's justreally hard to do.
Um, and and still, there has tobe kindness and gentleness in
(21:13):
that text and I'm for us, not ahey, this is happening and you
need to fix it, but like evensaying I'm having trouble
bringing this up, but I know weneed to talk about it and right,
and sometimes that can get youinto that space where you can
enter both, coming with thatgentle attitude.
(21:34):
So I would say, like, thinkoutside the box, don't continue
to have the conversation viatext or email or anything like
that, but sometimes starting itthat way is super helpful for
people.
Brad Aldrich (21:46):
Yeah, absolutely.
J Parker (21:48):
That's a great point.
We've actually done thatemailed each other sometimes
when there's a tense thinghappening, and gives us a little
more chance to explainourselves and what our true
motives and heart is aboutsomething, before we then come
back together and talk.
Brad Aldrich (22:05):
So, jay, your book talks a lot about the physical
health and emotional health andrelationship health and and all
of these other factors, but youdo also spend a little bit of
time talking about this thingthat is, I think, a lot of times
at the root is a fear of theremay be somebody else, there may
(22:26):
be sexual sin, there might besomething else going on.
Talk to us a little bit aboutwhen that is part of the formula
here.
J Parker (22:36):
Yeah, one of the things you did mention earlier
the idea that he's getting itelsewhere and I would say, yes,
there could be adultery, butthere is often sexual acting out
is is more likely, and what Imean by that is there is not
necessarily another person thatthey're engaging with, but
(22:56):
they're engaging withpornography or they're, or it
could be, um, you know, chatrooms or going to strip club or
whatever those kinds of thingsare, and so their sexual energy
is getting burnt out in thoseplaces and it's also retraining
(23:16):
their view of sexuality.
To be a, you basically become aconsumer of sex rather than a
participle participant withanother person, and so it can
become more difficult sometimesfor these men to engage with
their wives and find that to bea really good experience.
(23:39):
Also, they're not sure what shereally likes, because the stuff
that's been shown to them isnot what she really likes and it
doesn't really get her there,and he thinks it should, or
maybe he's scared to try any ofthat, and so it's very bland.
(24:00):
I mean, there's just numerousthings going on there.
Brad Aldrich (24:14):
But yeah, pornography is actually one of
the biggest reasons why I thinkwe're seeing younger men,
particularly, who are strugglingwith less desire.
Yeah, absolutely, we've talkedabout this on this show before.
But you know, the reality ispornography.
All of those things that youjust talked about are selfish.
They're not sexual intimacy,they're just sexual experiences,
right, and having sexualintimacy with somebody else,
(24:36):
that is vulnerable, that isopening yourself up and in a way
of giving and receiving, whichis totally different and it's
more wonderful.
But it's also more work, right?
And I think a lot of times whenyou've had a huge diet of
pornography, then it's like,well, why do I need that right?
(24:58):
Like, why do I need that Right?
Like, why do I even looktowards that?
Kate Aldrich (25:02):
Well, and there's vulnerability to intimacy where,
like I would think there needsto be less vulnerability for
your own personal self in inusing those sexual experiences.
J Parker (25:20):
So yeah, yeah, we prime ourselves toward selfish
sexual activity in those things,as opposed to the intimacy
you're talking about, and I dothink it's harder also, and I
said, let's face it, you know,for the most part, when a couple
is having sex, he is probablydoing a little bit more than she
(25:43):
is as far as the actual thingsthat need to happen.
So I think sometimes, though,if you've gone through the
pornography and everything, itfeels like work to get to get
there and I should.
I mean it is effort, thereshould be effort involved in sex
(26:03):
but it shouldn't feel like ohwow, this is just a lot of work.
I gotta schlep myself here androll up my sleeves and make it
happen, and you know but thenagain too, like anything really
worth, something in life.
Kate Aldrich (26:20):
It is I wouldn't say work.
It takes, as you said.
Brad Aldrich (26:23):
It takes intentionality and effort and
communication and connection andall of those things, which
that's the challenge.
When there isn't any of thatand there is, you know, it gets
hard.
J Parker (26:38):
And I'm sure that you've dealt with this with.
There's kind of a time periodbetween when you leave off from
that and when you start havingintimacy with your wife.
That's actually the kind thatyou think, wow, this is so much
better.
There's kind of a gap in the inthat timing, and so you have to
(26:59):
be willing to trust that.
You've got to kick that out thedoor, You've got to deal with
it together and then figure outhow to retrain both of you to
have the kind of really greatphysical intimacy your marriage
deserves.
That's really good For sure.
Brad Aldrich (27:17):
Yeah.
So, Jay, you talk a lot aboutsome of these different factors
that are going on, but you alsospend some time talking about
wives.
Why is your drive higher?
J Parker (27:28):
How do you?
Brad Aldrich (27:29):
answer that question.
J Parker (27:31):
Well, it depends.
I mean, sometimes it's just arelative thing, because maybe
you're the higher desire wife inthis marriage, but had you
married a different man, youwould be the lower desire spouse
, and so sometimes it's just arelative thing and that's just
kind of how it is.
There are some wives that arehypersexual and so they need to
(27:51):
think about whether theirexpectations or desires are
reasonable.
Are they looking to sex forthings that sex is not intended
to give you?
You know whether it's thevalidation the you know if you
have body image issues.
Some women find that havingless of sex will make them feel
(28:13):
better about their bodies andthings like that.
So you might need to askyourself about whether your
desire is at the healthy level.
But yeah, but there's just some, some wives too, some wives too
, or some women who just have ahigher desire, and we just have
a variation among people, andthat's okay.
Brad Aldrich (28:35):
So I'm going to ask the question.
Like we talked aboutpornography for men as being a
potential cause of their lowerdesire for their wife, Do you
see the rise of romance novelsand all of those things?
Or pornography, or pornographyfor women being a connection to
(28:57):
their higher desire.
J Parker (29:00):
Yes, I do think that there are wives out there who
get themselves worked up arousedwith pornography, erotica,
romance novels, bridgerton, nameyour thing, whatever it is and
then they basically want to kindof go take it out on their
husband, and that's a problembecause, again, you're missing
out on the intimacy and you'reapproaching sex as a selfish
(29:25):
activity, something that's aboutstating what you stirred up
inside you instead of aconnecting moment with your
husband, and your sexual energyneeds to go to your spouse.
Kate Aldrich (29:38):
I would add, with that, and that's a journey to
figure out if that desire iscoming.
Without any of that, it is good,right, there is nothing wrong,
because I think the reason, likeimages in our heads you know,
brad always says, if we go backI don't know long time ago, when
(29:59):
there weren't all these great,great, crazy resources out there
, like it was to remember yourspouse and to be like, oh, I
can't wait to see them again,like you know, all of those
things.
And so I think we always haveto talk about the flip side,
because the Lord did create itas a good thing, and you
remembering your spouse, orthinking about them, or thinking
(30:21):
about how they look, and thatcreating desire, that's a good
thing.
Look, and that creating desire,that's a good thing.
Yeah, um, it's when we'veallowed it to be other sources
of things that are not ourspouse, that are not ours to
have, that it creates.
That I guess I would say, likeyour spouse knows nothing about
(30:44):
that, which is not good, right,that's like something that they
don't know is going on inside ofyour head.
J Parker (30:53):
Totally true.
I also think we don't need tofear that you might see someone
and think, hey, that'sattractive person.
Or whether it's you're watchingTV, you're watching a movie, we
notice beauty around us, butit's you know, you're watching
TV or watching a movie, it's youknow?
Yeah, we notice beauty aroundus but it's what you're
fostering, what you're, you'redwelling on.
(31:15):
I mean it's it's the, the ideathat the grass is greener where
you water it.
And so if I see a good lookingcelebrity or whatever and I
think, wow, that's a really nice, good, nice looking man, I
almost immediately now think,yeah, but not as great as my
husband, you know, cause I'vekind of fostered that in my head
(31:36):
, to think, yeah, but I wouldn'twant to go out with that guy.
I've got my husband.
Why would I want anyone but him?
Kate Aldrich (31:44):
I think too for me , I've, I've tried to, and I
don't know Brad you can speak tothis is the Lone Ranger guy in
this conversation but like I'vetried to foster, like Brad is
the definition to me ofattractive, and, and not just
physically but like all of hisattributes.
And, interestingly enough, Ifind then, with that kind of
(32:06):
mentality, the people who catchmy eye actually look like my
husband.
J Parker (32:11):
The same thing happens to me too.
I'm like I have such a type,and my type, apparently, is my
husband.
Brad Aldrich (32:17):
But I think that's how it should be.
Kate Aldrich (32:18):
But I think that's intentional and some some I
think people in general notjudging, but like could benefit
from trying to have that sort ofposture and mindset, because I
not only because he's way tallerthan me and I'm always looking
for him in a crowd, but now thathe shaves his head I'm like, oh
, that guy's attractive.
(32:39):
And then I'm like, actually, Ithink it's just because he
shaves his head right, Like it'snot, and so I think that is a
really good thing, because thenwe're always going to come back
Well, I shouldn't say always,but then I find myself always
going back to.
Well, that person reminds me ofBrad and that's why he caught
my eye.
So I think, yeah, I think bothof those having that mental
(33:02):
space where we say, okay, how amI going to be intentional about
this, is super helpful.
Brad Aldrich (33:07):
I don't know from a guy's perspective.
No, I think we have to be veryintentional about it and that
does help with desire.
I think one of the challenges Ithink in couples' desire, when
it's longer-term couples, issexual intimacy can become rote
(33:30):
just like anything else.
Right, this is what we do andyou know, being able to bring
something new and novel can bereally amazing to your
(33:52):
relationship and I think it goeswith that attractiveness, it
goes with that.
So, like you know, we've saidbefore, when's the last time
that you got dressed up and wentout to dinner, up and went out
to dinner?
We tend not to do those thingsin long-term marriages as much,
unless there's something elsedriving it right.
(34:13):
But why?
J Parker (34:18):
Yeah, and that's one of the other things about
closing this gap is I love howyou have these positive things
you're throwing out, becausesometimes what we end up saying
is, well, I'm not happy with howthings are now, and it starts
feeling like it's always acomplaint.
I'm not happy with how thingsare now, and it starts feeling
like it's always a complaint,Whereas one of the best ways to
talk to your spouse about desireis to say well, to cast a
vision and kind of say hey, Iwould really like for us to make
love more and I'd like us tospice it up a little bit.
(34:39):
Can we talk about what's in theway and see what we can do to
be connected more often?
Brad Aldrich (34:46):
I love that.
J Parker (34:47):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (34:48):
One of the questions I've learned to ask
couples when we start talkingabout this area a little bit is
tell me a little bit of whatlike vacation sex is like.
Because what, what you do inthat is you're cutting through
all of the.
The kids might hear the like,do we have time for this?
(35:11):
The stress that you're cuttingall of that out for this little
captured time.
And I find a lot of couples go,oh my gosh, if we could just
have vacation sex all the time,I'd be thrilled.
And then it's like, okay, nowit's not mechanical, it's all of
those other relationship thingsthat we need to figure out many
(35:34):
times, many times not always, Idon't want to say that always
across the board.
So, jay, this is such a reallygreat resource and I know we're
going to have links to it in theshow notes.
I know there's going to be alot of people who benefit from
the Higher Desire Wife and youknow we have already referred
(35:58):
many people to your podcast, sexChat for Christian Wives, and I
know there's a lot of peoplewho grow from that and benefit
from that.
J Parker (36:07):
Thank you so much.
I appreciate that I've referredpeople to y'all too, over and
over.
I especially know you have someresources, brad, for that
unwanted sexual behavior, andhopefully you'll share that too,
for sure.
Brad Aldrich (36:23):
Yeah, it's so good , it's so needed, and we're so
thankful that you wrote itabsolutely thanks, yeah
absolutely well, jay, it was sowonderful to have you back on
the show again and we're reallyreally excited for the book and
and know it's going to be reallybeneficial and bring good
things to a lot of people.
Yeah, for for sure.
(36:45):
Thanks, thank you so much.
Well, we're so glad.
I hope you guys got somethingout of that.
We're glad to have Jay on.
You guys can go and check out.
She's recorded with us before.
We've had her on a couple oftimes so you can certainly go on
.
If you look onaldrichministriescom slash
(37:06):
podcast, if you look onaldrichministriescom slash
podcast, you will be able tofind a whole list of categories
of things that we've talkedabout, including our guests on
before, so you can search thereand find all of Jay's awesome
episodes.
But until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (37:25):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (37:31):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(37:54):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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