September 4, 2024 • 34 mins
Every "yes" you give is actually a "no" to something else- usually without you realizing the cost at the time, which means we NEED to learn how to put up boundaries! Join us while we explore the art of setting boundaries in relationships and give you 5 steps to find and hold the necessary boundaries in your life!
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:05):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
We are glad that you are backwith us again.
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
It's a lovely day.
Brad Aldrich (00:40):
And we hope that you are enjoying the start of a
new school year or new seasonfor you.
Kate Aldrich (00:50):
Yeah, yeah, but kind of the end of summer is
always sad, but also like it'sgood to get into a routine.
Brad Aldrich (01:00):
I don't know.
I love fall so and I don't knowI find a lot of people at this
time, like in the beginning offall, is like okay, let's figure
out how to end the year strong,and I think there's like a
positive be fun, and it's kindof nice when the last season is
ushered out, Of course.
Kate Aldrich (01:26):
we live in boring old Pennsylvania where there's a
very distinctive season changeusually.
Brad Aldrich (01:33):
Yes, there is.
Kate Aldrich (01:35):
Right now it's still temperature-wise warm,
it's warm, but this whole weekis supposed to be the 70s, which
I'm super excited about that'snice.
Yeah, very nice, yeah Very nice, yeah, I mean, our kids are
back in school, our two are backat college.
Life just keeps right onrolling it does?
Brad Aldrich (01:53):
It keeps moving, and I'm sure you guys are all
feeling the same thing, and thatkind of goes with our topic
today.
Anyway, right, because wewanted to talk about the idea of
boundaries in our life and inour relationships.
Kate Aldrich (02:11):
And I would think, for many people who have kiddos
, a new season means newactivities, new sports, new
extracurriculars.
All kinds of things, yeah, andeven if you don't have kids, you
might be involved in themyourself, and the season
starting and whatnot.
Brad Aldrich (02:28):
Okay, yeah, and I always think it is so important
for us to remember that thethings that we're saying yes to
are, in essence, saying no tosomething else, passively.
Kate Aldrich (02:41):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (02:42):
And the opposite.
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (02:44):
The things we're saying no to.
We're saying yes to otherthings.
True, correct, not necessarilypassively right and the opposite
.
Yeah, the things we're sayingno to.
We're saying yes to otherthings true correct but
necessarily passively.
Brad Aldrich (02:49):
I think right, that's more an active choice.
I'm going to say no to thisbecause I want to say yes to
these other things.
I think the opposite happens,that we say yes to things and we
don't even really realize wherethat cost is going to come from
, and we don't even reallyrealize where that cost is going
to come from.
Kate Aldrich (03:06):
Oh yeah, and so we ?
Brad Aldrich (03:07):
say yes and then we're, like you know, feeling
really stressed and busy, and sowe've said no to rest or
downtime, or we say yes to somuch and we in essence have said
no to things like date nightsbecause that time disappeared,
or things like that.
Kate Aldrich (03:24):
Yeah, yeah, I can see where yep, I can see where
you disappeared or things likethat.
Yeah, yeah, I can see where yep, I can see where you're coming
from with that.
Yeah, absolutely, and I thinkwe definitely had times in our
marriage where that was astruggle.
Brad Aldrich (03:35):
Oh yeah.
Kate Aldrich (03:36):
For sure.
I think, living with you overthese last 25 years, I have
learned to take stock of whenI'm saying yes.
Brad Aldrich (03:43):
So you're saying I'm better at saying no than you
are?
Kate Aldrich (03:46):
oh, absolutely.
But.
But if we're being honest,sometimes to your detriment that
is true.
Brad Aldrich (03:53):
No, that's that's.
Kate Aldrich (03:54):
You're probably correct probably that is true.
You said so I am correct, butalso like I now, when people ask
are asking for a yes, I'm likeI do instead of, like you know,
people on our wing or on ourshoulders telling us what to do.
I have a little Brad there.
Good, good, good Perfect.
Saying like OK, if you say yesto this, like what is that
(04:20):
impacting?
Brad Aldrich (04:20):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (04:22):
For for the rest of us and and for myself.
It's not just about everybodyelse, but yeah, so 100%, so I do
you have a little brat on yourshoulder to you?
Brad Aldrich (04:31):
I know I have a little you on my shoulder going
no, you should probably do thosethings.
It's okay Sometimes that that,because you're right I do tend
to tend to be a little faster onthe not jumping in.
Kate Aldrich (04:46):
I would say now, as I'm getting older, our kids
are older.
My yeses are more for the closecircle of friends.
I wouldn't say I'm so quick tosay yes to anybody and kind of
that rescue that person or helpthat I mean.
I definitely still have that aspart of my personality and
(05:08):
story.
But I would say the people I'mquick to say yes to are the
people I'm super close with andenjoy.
But I have to even be carefulwith that.
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (05:19):
So we run into a lot of people who, even in that
close circle, have not figuredout how to put up healthy
boundaries in their relationshipand in fact often feel bad
about them having boundaries ina relationship.
Kate Aldrich (05:39):
I think most people have a relationship with
boundaries, and it's really acurious thing to me to figure
out what those are.
Brad Aldrich (05:48):
Yeah, and it brings up emotions right of I'm
going to hurt people by puttingup this boundary or you know
that kind of thing, and reallywhat we're doing is saying
here's where the relationship ishealthy or here's what we need
in order to make therelationship healthy.
Right, and I think all of ushave had the experience maybe,
(06:12):
you know, when we were younger,maybe in school or something of
somebody who kind of like,drains the life out of you
because they don't have anyboundaries, right, they just
kind of take over and, like youknow, what happens is, you know,
this person wants to spend allthe time with you.
(06:33):
They want to, you know, doeverything with you, and
eventually it's like, okay, Ineed a little space.
And then we have the negativeexperience of trying to push the
person away.
And I think those kind ofevents have often shaped our
feeling around boundaries ingeneral right.
(06:53):
Like.
We then feel bad I'm hurtingthis person.
They're going to get upset withme if.
I say no or if.
I say I can't do something.
Kate Aldrich (07:04):
Right, right, and I think you're absolutely right
with that about the person notwanting to put up the boundary
and the person you know, theother person involved.
I think we do worry about that,but then what we end up doing,
as you said, is put up theultimate boundary, correct
Eventually.
We just are like Nope, I'm done.
(07:24):
Yep, no more relationship withyou.
I do think.
I do think there are timespeople try to express, express
boundaries, but I'm not sure ifit's clear or it's all so
difficult to figure out all ofthat.
You know, cause I thinksometimes people do try to say,
oh, I need to spend some moretime with my family, like and
(07:45):
give hints, but it's not realclear what you're trying to do.
Right, and so the other personjust continues to demand, or and
they may not even beintentionally demanding, like
they don't- realize this is apattern for them, but requiring
that time of you.
Brad Aldrich (08:03):
Well, and this conversation goes right along
with the challenge that I thinkmost of us have of being able to
express our needs right If wecan't express our needs.
It gets difficult to have aboundary right, because then we
don't know where it goes.
We don't really understand whydo I need that boundary?
(08:26):
And then it's only like put inplace when something is really
severe or is a, you know, timeissue, that now we can't kind of
thing right.
You know that's about the onlytime people are forced to put up
boundaries.
Kate Aldrich (08:43):
What about, though , when you are clear and trying
to put up boundaries, but peopledon't respect it?
Brad Aldrich (08:49):
Yeah, I mean, we've all had that experience,
right.
If somebody pushes through,even though you've said you know
what, I can only come for theday, and then you go and you get
this passive aggressive.
You know, I really wish youcould have stayed longer you
know from a parent or somethinglike that, or you, you know
(09:15):
what's another example that youcan think of.
Kate Aldrich (09:16):
I was just I mean, I was just thinking of our own
example.
We failed to.
This is complete transparencyand rawness.
We failed to really be able totake a hold of the boundary we
needed.
As young married couple, wegrew up super close to each
other and around the holidays.
(09:38):
You know, thanksgiving andchristmas are so close together
and we ended up.
You know, christmas is a littlebit easier because everybody
has most people have a littlebit of a bigger break.
There's.
It's more acceptable to, youknow, visit this family this day
and this family this day, andso we were able to establish
that pretty quickly what?
We needed with that and healthyboundaries.
Brad Aldrich (10:00):
Stupid Thanksgiving, which sounds wrong
to say it that way.
I think that's true.
It took us years to enact aboundary around that, and then
nobody could honor it For like30 years, from five years of us
dating together through 20 yearsof marriage.
Kate Aldrich (10:20):
I don't know that we did our first Thanksgiving
together, but like soon after,yeah, we would go to each
family's, because our familiesonly live like three miles away
from each other, we would havetwo Thanksgivings at the same
time.
Which is super healthy, right?
Because when you see all of theshows around the holidays,
they're like don't overeat.
Brad Aldrich (10:38):
They're talking about one dinner.
We would pile them all in,drive an hour, go to somebody's
house for lunchtime Thanksgiving.
Kate Aldrich (10:46):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (10:46):
And then pile everybody in the car, drive
another five miles down the road, three miles down the road and
have another Thanksgiving fordinner and it's like why?
Kate Aldrich (10:57):
are we doing this and our poor children were
subject to two very differentdynamics.
Brad Aldrich (11:01):
Yes, emotional atmospheres, Two different yep.
Kate Aldrich (11:04):
And two different, very different Thanksgiving
dinners.
Brad Aldrich (11:07):
And then we would be utterly exhausted for the
next week and we were like how?
Kate Aldrich (11:12):
do we do this?
We put in place, I think, aboutfour or five years ago, that we
are going to do an Every Otherfor Thanksgiving and, thinking
about it, it's not even aboundary of we could do
Thanksgiving here by ourselves.
And, thinking about it, it'snot even a boundary of we could
do Thanksgiving here byourselves.
But we said we're going to doevery other year back from
Brad's family to my family, thatkind of thing Whoever's
available we're not requiringpeople to be available, but
(11:35):
whoever's available we'll spendit with it every year, every
year.
Brad Aldrich (11:40):
Every year there's pushback.
Kate Aldrich (11:41):
They can't handle it.
So there's your good example,guys.
Brad Aldrich (11:45):
But we're going to go through a list of steps to
putting up boundaries, and theseare things that we've done and
I'm not going to say that theymake it simple.
Kate Aldrich (11:56):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (11:57):
But they at least help you to figure out how to do
it.
Kate Aldrich (12:02):
I think that's good.
I think it's good, before welist these, to remember if, well
, and Brad, you're going to talkabout some of this.
But we also have to be curiousabout and do our own work on,
why do boundaries feel so hardto do?
Yes, it is somewhat the otherperson's reaction, but it comes
from our own story too andthere's probably a reason both
(12:23):
of us felt like we couldn'treally put that boundary up
earlier.
Um, so just know that that mightbe a little work you need to do
, like why are boundariesspecifically super hard?
Brad Aldrich (12:34):
for me.
I think that's so important,right?
Because the first step, thefirst rule in setting up some
boundaries is to know what youcan give and what you can't.
Kate Aldrich (12:49):
Okay, say more about that.
Brad Aldrich (12:50):
So right, like, oh fine, I can do that, I can do
that, I can do that, Like wejust tend to kind of allow
ourself to just give and giveand give and give until we're
exhausted and we take the weightof it, right.
Kate Aldrich (13:07):
And.
Brad Aldrich (13:08):
I think we need to say no, I can't do that Like.
That is going to have a costthat I can't spend right now.
That it has to get to thatlevel before you know, we often
are willing to put up theboundary.
Kate Aldrich (13:23):
Do you have suggestions for people on how,
especially with these, areobviously people often that we
care about oftentimes family,dear friends, like?
Are there specific ways that wecan express empathy for what
they feel like is a loss of timeor whatnot, as well as sticking
(13:48):
up for what we need, or is thatnot necessary?
Brad Aldrich (13:51):
I think there are times that we can go along with
expressing care and expressingfor the relationship, but one of
the things that we're going toget to is we don't need to
apologize for our boundary.
Kate Aldrich (14:08):
Right, I wasn't suggesting apologizing, but
something like I hear you and Iknow it's hard that we don't get
to spend this time together,sure.
Brad Aldrich (14:18):
I think that this is important to me.
Kate Aldrich (14:20):
So, let's Something like that.
Brad Aldrich (14:21):
I don't know, but let's think about a non-time
oriented boundary.
So somebody you know wantssomething from you, even
emotionally, that you don't havethe capacity for right now.
Okay Right, they, they.
It's more than just time thatyou don't have the capacity for
right now Okay Right, it's morethan just time.
They want a connection or theywant something and you're like
(14:44):
yeah, this friendship is.
I can't right now, I just don'thave that capacity.
You know, if we kind of go toofar and think, oh, I'd really
love to, but now we're makingexcuses, sure, right, too far,
and they, oh, I'd really love to, but I like now we're making
excuses, sure, right, and thatthat actually doesn't respect
them or respect yourself.
So I want to be a littlecautious of we don't need to
(15:06):
like, come up with a millionexcuses of why we can't have the
boundary.
Kate Aldrich (15:10):
That's not what.
I don't think I meant excusesbecause, guys, you need to know
straight out, brad will not.
He'll always, as I'm saying noto something, we're talking
about something, and someone'sasking me to do something via
text, I'm like no.
And then I'm talking outexplaining why, and he's like,
nope, just erase all that, justtext back, no, and so there
(15:35):
isn't.
So we weigh each other out.
But I don't mean excuses.
I mean, especially in caseswhere you are maybe sad that
this is something you can't do,sure, like being able to say I,
I don't know, because you don'twant to give false hope, I know
(15:55):
what you're saying.
You don't want to be notauthentic, right?
We don't want to give falsehope.
I know what you're saying.
You don't want to be notauthentic, right?
We don't want to say, oh, Ireally wish I could be there.
If part of the reason you'reputting up the boundary is you
don't actually want to be there,sure, I don't mean that either.
But you know, someone invitesyou to something and you're just
like, I really would like to bethere, but I need to make this
decision.
Brad Aldrich (16:14):
I'm going to spin this into.
What I'm going to say is steptwo Okay, perfect.
As you're talking about theboundary, you actually need to
be very specific about what isinbounds and what is out of
bounds.
Kate Aldrich (16:28):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (16:29):
So most of the time when we're putting up a
boundary, we are not cutting offthe relationship.
I don't want to see you anymore, period done right Like that's
not what we're talking aboutmost of the time.
This is a I am saying I can'tdo this or I need this space or
I need this time, or you know,we're putting up a boundary
(16:50):
within, so we tend to focus onwhat is now out of bounds.
Right.
I don't want to talk about thattopic.
You know, I don't want to talkabout my wife to you, mom Right,
and then we just focus on thatboundary.
Kate Aldrich (17:07):
Are you talking about a real example there?
Probably yes.
Brad Aldrich (17:13):
And you know those kind of boundaries like I'm not
going to talk about that, andthen we just focus on the what
we're not going to talk about.
But I think we need to spend asmuch time and I think this is
part of what you were talkingabout of saying what's in bounds
.
Yeah.
Right, like.
(17:37):
So.
I might be saying, or we didsay no, I'm not coming over for
Thanksgiving this time, but I'mreally looking forward to seeing
you at Christmas time.
So we emphasize back what'sinbounds.
And so, mom, I really don'twant to talk that way about my
wife, so we're not going to dothat, but I would love to hear
about your experience at churchthis week, or we can direct the
(17:57):
conversation to where we want itto go while we're still setting
up a healthy boundary.
Kate Aldrich (18:01):
Right Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich (18:03):
Yeah, so no, I'm not going to share that about
the kids, but I can tell you X,y, z.
Right, there are healthy thingsthat we can move the
conversation to that I think isreally important to focus on.
Okay, yep.
And that might be in thatlanguage.
Oh, I really can't do that, butI'm excited to be able to do
(18:25):
this right.
Like that, you can stillemphasize the relationship and
you can still emphasize theconnection with what you're
willing to do, what's in balance.
Kate Aldrich (18:35):
Right, yeah, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, that's good.
I think I was thinking of anexample like our 18-year-old.
We have our 18-year-old and16-year-old at home still both
girls and our 18-year-old hasalways unfortunately, she got me
as a mom.
She's always wanted me to beinvolved in all the stuff at
(18:55):
school, so when she plays asport or she does musical.
Unfortunately, since she'sentered high school, our younger
daughter has, you know, justreally struggled mental health
wise and required a lot moretime, and I remember telling her
I can't this year, you know,and we would evaluate every year
.
Brad Aldrich (19:14):
I can't do booster club, or I can't do right.
Kate Aldrich (19:16):
And when I couldn't again last year, cause
we just didn't feel like we hadthe capacity, I said to her I
will make sure to make it apriority for your senior year,
even if life doesn't look anyless complicated and whatnot.
And so in essence I was tellingher okay, this is going to be
in the boundaries, correct,right?
(19:37):
And, and you know so this yearI said, okay, here we go, here
we go.
And I told brad, you're doingthis with me.
He said what?
And I said, oh yeah, not justme, man you and me.
but like I told her what was,you know, and I kept
re-evaluating, you know, Irealized at some point with that
it's important to her, and ifit's important to her, it's
(20:00):
important to me.
And I couldn't keep just sayingno, because life is extra
complicated.
So telling someone what, whatcould be or what will be in the
bounds, which often makes peoplefeel less like you are
restricting everything, feelless like you are restricting
everything.
You know, mom, you know I don'twant to talk about my spouse
(20:21):
that way.
I'm willing to, you know, talkabout how we're doing as a
family in general.
Brad Aldrich (20:28):
But if you want to ask my spouse what they're
doing, reach out to them.
Or if you want to sit togetherall four of us and have a
conversation.
Kate Aldrich (20:34):
I'm happy to do that Right Like yes again,
that's focused on what's in, butyeah, not just, I'm not going
to do that yeah, so we have knowwhat you can give and what you
can't, so that's helping youhave permission to have a
boundary yeah then beingspecific about where the
boundary is, what's in andwhat's out of bounds, and then
(20:55):
it's give yourself actualpermission to ask for it.
Brad Aldrich (20:59):
Right like actually vocalize the boundary
right right and communicatedon't do yeah, no, exactly, we
just kind of shut the door or wemake excuses that put up the
boundary correct but then it'snot clear and nobody actually
really knows but you what'sgoing on.
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (21:19):
And then that leads to lots of hurt.
Brad Aldrich (21:21):
Well, it is almost going to enforce the fact that
people will push on yourboundary because you haven't
actually told them where it is.
So, without communication,which is hard.
I like totally.
This is the part I would liketo avoid too.
But you know, give yourselfpermission to actually go and
(21:43):
ask and say I need to put upthis boundary, I'm not going to
do this anymore.
And while you're doing it, theother part to remember is you
don't apologize for thatboundary Right, what you're
doing is putting up a limit ofwhat you can and can't do, and
you've decided that limit, andnow you're asking for that
boundary right?
What you're doing is putting upa limit of what you can and
can't do, and you've decidedthat limit, and now you're
asking for that boundary.
So, you don't go.
I'm so sorry.
(22:04):
I know this is what you'd want,but right, cause that that just
weakens your boundary.
Kate Aldrich (22:10):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (22:10):
So really, I think the important thing is just to
remember it is hard to set upboundaries.
It's difficult, it's going tobe emotional, it's hard to have
that conversation, but you needto.
You need to be able to talkabout this because otherwise you
are setting up a place thatyou're going to have put up a
boundary and somebody's going toroll through it because they
(22:31):
didn't even know it's there.
Kate Aldrich (22:33):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (22:33):
Right, and so talking about it, putting it up,
not apologizing for it.
And then the last step isreally anticipating your own
reactions, and often negativereactions to the boundary.
Kate Aldrich (22:51):
What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich (22:52):
I think a lot of times we feel bad that we let
somebody down we feel bad thatwe may have hurt somebody's
feelings, that they wanted Xmore of me, or that I can't do
this with them.
That hurts them.
Kate Aldrich (23:10):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (23:10):
And we see their negative reaction and all of us
people pleasers go oh okay, it'sjust my boundary, I don't want
to hurt them and we want to givein.
And then we go okay, I'll finda way to get there.
And then we feel like we're notupholding the boundary because
really what's happened is theyhave a reaction and we just take
(23:34):
down the boundary.
Kate Aldrich (23:35):
Should we be thinking about what their
reaction is going to be?
Brad Aldrich (23:39):
Well, I think we're going to see their
reaction.
Kate Aldrich (23:41):
Well, of course.
Brad Aldrich (23:42):
And we can anticipate that they may have a
negative reaction to it.
Kate Aldrich (23:46):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (23:46):
And that's okay.
Kate Aldrich (23:48):
Well, and Brene Brown says and I love this quote
you are not responsible forsomeone else's negative reaction
to your boundary.
That includes your family, yourfriends.
You're not responsible for it.
Correct, and it's going to behard.
It's going to be hard to sitwith it, right, Because none of
us like to sit with thoseuncomfortable things, especially
things that have probably, ifwe're talking about family have
(24:10):
been happening to us for years,and we do need to honor that it
would be much easier for you tokeep going with the way your
family functions and thestrategies you figured out as a
part of your family, but rightPushing against.
(24:30):
this is how we have some healing, some freedom.
It benefits us in lots ofdifferent ways and it's going to
be hard to see your familyreact.
The way that you probablyalready know they're going to
react.
Brad Aldrich (24:41):
Well, and I think one of the ways that we can
probably see this in action isto think about a situation that
we're probably a little bit morecomfortable with.
In looking through a boundarythat we might give a child right
, Like we may say, don't do thisright, and we've given
(25:07):
ourselves permission to say, oh,I don't want you to ride your
bike past here.
Right, that's a boundary thatwe've put up.
We understand why we're doingthat is because of safety
reasons.
Right, they're going to come upto a big road.
We don't want them on that.
So we're going to say you canride your bike in this loop.
Right, We've created thatboundary and we're pretty okay
(25:31):
with that.
We give ourselves permission todo that because we know that
there's a consequence on theother side.
Safety issue right, we don't.
We don't even think aboutapologizing.
I'm so sorry you won't be ableto do that like we it.
Kate Aldrich (25:44):
We don't usually do that with kids not usually,
but I think sometimes it doeshappen because when the kids are
old enough to say somethinglike you, don't let me do
anything, you're ruining my life, right?
Brad Aldrich (26:03):
And that's exactly what I was going to, of
anticipating your negativereaction and their negative
reaction to the boundary.
Right, we know why we're doingit and if we believe in the
reason, the boundary is a wholelot easier to manage and to keep
.
Sure, right, if we don't knowwhy we're doing it, I just have
some arbitrary line that I don'twant you to cross.
(26:26):
Then all of a sudden it's likeoh well, well, your kiddo needs
to understand too, exactly well,well, your kiddo needs to
understand right, exactly.
Kate Aldrich (26:33):
But again there's that whole like that's off
limits because it's dangerous.
Brad Aldrich (26:38):
But look at all of this that you can explore
exactly or whatever on your bikeright um you know and focus
them back to what they can do,not what they can't yeah,
entirely correct, and I I thinkit is just maybe easier to see
it in that place, becauseusually the boundaries that we
(27:00):
are challenged with areboundaries to people up, or at
least on the same level.
Sure, parents, it's boundariesto our boss or our friends or
even our spouse, that we need tofigure out.
How do we put healthyboundaries in?
a way that says I need this, andwhen we flip it to the
(27:24):
parenting role, it feels like wehave a little bit more control.
Kate Aldrich (27:28):
True, but I do think, specifically, something
that's probably worth mentioningis teenagers, because it is a
time where you're removing someboundaries which ones still stay
, and of course, your teenageris going to think any boundary
is just ridiculous, sure.
So I do think lots of parentsstruggle with boundaries to
(27:50):
teenagers, because teenagers arealso super smart.
They're an amazing populationof people and they also know how
to manipulate.
Absolutely To make you feel allthe feels about the boundary
you still think is a really goodone.
Well, right and we have to dealwith how we feel about that.
Brad Aldrich (28:08):
That thing of being specific and clear about
what's inbounds and out ofbounds absolutely comes into
play with teenagers.
Kate Aldrich (28:16):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (28:16):
Right, Because in the past you may just say, no,
you can't do this.
But as they get their arguingskills up and get to figuring
out what's fair and what's not,they want some clarity on what
is okay.
Are you?
Saying that I can't check outany book in the library.
Kate Aldrich (28:37):
No, you can check out these right, that's not
where I thought that was going,right that kind of stuff, you
know.
Brad Aldrich (28:44):
are you saying I can't watch anything on Netflix?
No, you can watch like you know, and then.
So we sometimes have to beclear and specific, you know,
about what's inbounds and what'sout of bounds.
Kate Aldrich (28:55):
Yeah yeah, you know you're so good at that.
I think we'll just let youhandle that.
Brad Aldrich (29:02):
No, no, that's okay, well, I mean, you know
this takes a team to do together, especially when it's parenting
, because if you're not on thesame page, yeah, um, you know
the kids they're gonna sensethat a mile away just run to the
person who says do whatever youwant, I don't care yeah, they
(29:23):
can sniff that out guys.
Kate Aldrich (29:24):
Yeah, 100.
So but and I mean it.
It could be possible that thereason we're talking about this
today is because boundaries andteenagers was a recent theme for
us.
Brad Aldrich (29:39):
In our house?
Yeah, maybe, but I think it'simportant just to recognize's
the removal of boundariesbetween two people, and while
(30:12):
that's true, even marriedcouples have boundaries in our
personal relationships.
Kate Aldrich (30:17):
Every personal relationship Now probably
doesn't look like you hopefullyhaving to go through this list,
although sometimes we've dealtwith those kinds of things.
Of course, but it's still like,hey, you know, I really need to
make sure I'm getting half anhour a day where it's just me
time, just me, nobody else, youknow, and of course, with kids
(30:43):
then it's like figuring that out, but also like it's not a
personal cut on you, it's andthis isn't necessarily me, but
I'm saying like it's not becauseI don't love you, it's because
I also matter and this is what Ineed.
And like trying to navigatethose things so honestly.
There are times I talk withwomen about boundaries in
(31:03):
marriage and what boundaries doyou need and how can you express
that to your husband?
And it's more needs than it isboundaries, I think it's the
same thing we go through,actually.
Brad Aldrich (31:15):
I think this is really good insight, like being
able to say I have a need toyour spouse is somewhat a
similar conversation.
Right, because we have to beable to be talking about more
what's in bounds.
Right, I'm going to need to beable to go to bed earlier.
I'm going to need to be able togo to bed earlier.
I'm going to need to be able to.
Kate Aldrich (31:37):
Not cook ever.
No, no, no, no Shoot.
I tried to sneak that one inthere.
Brad Aldrich (31:43):
But I'm going to need some more help here or,
like you know, that may be aboundary conversation.
I can't do this, so here's whatI can do.
Here's what's in bounds, here'swhat's out of bounds.
I would like to hear from youwhat your options are on how to
cook these other three nights,or something like that right.
(32:03):
That is what you're saying whatI can do and what I can't do.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
Yeah, yeah.
So, no, totally.
Brad Aldrich (32:11):
And I think that's where healthy communication
starts in a lot of thoseconversations.
Kate Aldrich (32:17):
I think, though and the reason I brought it up
is I think, when you doboundaries, you know you talk
about boundaries like we are.
We always think it's external,and even with our kids, but
there are things to be learnedin marriage about what that
looks like.
Because, every humanrelationship needs boundaries.
Jesus had boundaries with thedisciples.
(32:40):
He was close with them, he wasliterally discipling them, and
yet there were times he was likenope, I'm going off for a
little while.
He didn't tell them what he wasdoing, he didn't ask permission
.
He didn't tell them what he wasdoing, he didn't ask permission
, he didn't apologize, he wentand we don't actually know what
he did a lot of the time.
And so there are.
(33:01):
It is important to even haveboundaries in our most safe and
intimate relationships.
Brad Aldrich (33:06):
Correct, Correct.
So well, I hope that that wassomething that you can chew on
and maybe have a conversationwith your spouse about how they
do boundaries, how they feelabout them, what they saw in
their homes about boundaries andwhat does it bring up for them
(33:26):
as we are having thisconversation.
Yeah, Be really good healthynext steps for you.
So I hope you found thathelpful.
As always, we would love tohear from you.
If you have questions that youwould love to hear us talk about
on the show, reach out to us.
You can email us at help atstillbecomingonecom.
(33:49):
And until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (33:53):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (34:00):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
And speaking opportunities youcan find us at
aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(34:27):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts,
and be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on still
becoming one.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
We are glad that you are backwith us again.
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
It's a lovely day.
Brad Aldrich (00:40):
And we hope that you are enjoying the start of a
new school year or new seasonfor you.
Kate Aldrich (00:50):
Yeah, yeah, but kind of the end of summer is
always sad, but also like it'sgood to get into a routine.
Brad Aldrich (01:00):
I don't know.
I love fall so and I don't knowI find a lot of people at this
time, like in the beginning offall, is like okay, let's figure
out how to end the year strong,and I think there's like a
positive be fun, and it's kindof nice when the last season is
ushered out, Of course.
Kate Aldrich (01:26):
we live in boring old Pennsylvania where there's a
very distinctive season changeusually.
Brad Aldrich (01:33):
Yes, there is.
Kate Aldrich (01:35):
Right now it's still temperature-wise warm,
it's warm, but this whole weekis supposed to be the 70s, which
I'm super excited about that'snice.
Yeah, very nice, yeah Very nice, yeah, I mean, our kids are
back in school, our two are backat college.
Life just keeps right onrolling it does?
Brad Aldrich (01:53):
It keeps moving, and I'm sure you guys are all
feeling the same thing, and thatkind of goes with our topic
today.
Anyway, right, because wewanted to talk about the idea of
boundaries in our life and inour relationships.
Kate Aldrich (02:11):
And I would think, for many people who have kiddos
, a new season means newactivities, new sports, new
extracurriculars.
All kinds of things, yeah, andeven if you don't have kids, you
might be involved in themyourself, and the season
starting and whatnot.
Brad Aldrich (02:28):
Okay, yeah, and I always think it is so important
for us to remember that thethings that we're saying yes to
are, in essence, saying no tosomething else, passively.
Kate Aldrich (02:41):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (02:42):
And the opposite.
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (02:44):
The things we're saying no to.
We're saying yes to otherthings.
True, correct, not necessarilypassively right and the opposite
.
Yeah, the things we're sayingno to.
We're saying yes to otherthings true correct but
necessarily passively.
Brad Aldrich (02:49):
I think right, that's more an active choice.
I'm going to say no to thisbecause I want to say yes to
these other things.
I think the opposite happens,that we say yes to things and we
don't even really realize wherethat cost is going to come from
, and we don't even reallyrealize where that cost is going
to come from.
Kate Aldrich (03:06):
Oh yeah, and so we ?
Brad Aldrich (03:07):
say yes and then we're, like you know, feeling
really stressed and busy, and sowe've said no to rest or
downtime, or we say yes to somuch and we in essence have said
no to things like date nightsbecause that time disappeared,
or things like that.
Kate Aldrich (03:24):
Yeah, yeah, I can see where yep, I can see where
you disappeared or things likethat.
Yeah, yeah, I can see where yep, I can see where you're coming
from with that.
Yeah, absolutely, and I thinkwe definitely had times in our
marriage where that was astruggle.
Brad Aldrich (03:35):
Oh yeah.
Kate Aldrich (03:36):
For sure.
I think, living with you overthese last 25 years, I have
learned to take stock of whenI'm saying yes.
Brad Aldrich (03:43):
So you're saying I'm better at saying no than you
are?
Kate Aldrich (03:46):
oh, absolutely.
But.
But if we're being honest,sometimes to your detriment that
is true.
Brad Aldrich (03:53):
No, that's that's.
Kate Aldrich (03:54):
You're probably correct probably that is true.
You said so I am correct, butalso like I now, when people ask
are asking for a yes, I'm likeI do instead of, like you know,
people on our wing or on ourshoulders telling us what to do.
I have a little Brad there.
Good, good, good Perfect.
Saying like OK, if you say yesto this, like what is that
(04:20):
impacting?
Brad Aldrich (04:20):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (04:22):
For for the rest of us and and for myself.
It's not just about everybodyelse, but yeah, so 100%, so I do
you have a little brat on yourshoulder to you?
Brad Aldrich (04:31):
I know I have a little you on my shoulder going
no, you should probably do thosethings.
It's okay Sometimes that that,because you're right I do tend
to tend to be a little faster onthe not jumping in.
Kate Aldrich (04:46):
I would say now, as I'm getting older, our kids
are older.
My yeses are more for the closecircle of friends.
I wouldn't say I'm so quick tosay yes to anybody and kind of
that rescue that person or helpthat I mean.
I definitely still have that aspart of my personality and
(05:08):
story.
But I would say the people I'mquick to say yes to are the
people I'm super close with andenjoy.
But I have to even be carefulwith that.
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (05:19):
So we run into a lot of people who, even in that
close circle, have not figuredout how to put up healthy
boundaries in their relationshipand in fact often feel bad
about them having boundaries ina relationship.
Kate Aldrich (05:39):
I think most people have a relationship with
boundaries, and it's really acurious thing to me to figure
out what those are.
Brad Aldrich (05:48):
Yeah, and it brings up emotions right of I'm
going to hurt people by puttingup this boundary or you know
that kind of thing, and reallywhat we're doing is saying
here's where the relationship ishealthy or here's what we need
in order to make therelationship healthy.
Right, and I think all of ushave had the experience maybe,
(06:12):
you know, when we were younger,maybe in school or something of
somebody who kind of like,drains the life out of you
because they don't have anyboundaries, right, they just
kind of take over and, like youknow, what happens is, you know,
this person wants to spend allthe time with you.
(06:33):
They want to, you know, doeverything with you, and
eventually it's like, okay, Ineed a little space.
And then we have the negativeexperience of trying to push the
person away.
And I think those kind ofevents have often shaped our
feeling around boundaries ingeneral right.
(06:53):
Like.
We then feel bad I'm hurtingthis person.
They're going to get upset withme if.
I say no or if.
I say I can't do something.
Kate Aldrich (07:04):
Right, right, and I think you're absolutely right
with that about the person notwanting to put up the boundary
and the person you know, theother person involved.
I think we do worry about that,but then what we end up doing,
as you said, is put up theultimate boundary, correct
Eventually.
We just are like Nope, I'm done.
(07:24):
Yep, no more relationship withyou.
I do think.
I do think there are timespeople try to express, express
boundaries, but I'm not sure ifit's clear or it's all so
difficult to figure out all ofthat.
You know, cause I thinksometimes people do try to say,
oh, I need to spend some moretime with my family, like and
(07:45):
give hints, but it's not realclear what you're trying to do.
Right, and so the other personjust continues to demand, or and
they may not even beintentionally demanding, like
they don't- realize this is apattern for them, but requiring
that time of you.
Brad Aldrich (08:03):
Well, and this conversation goes right along
with the challenge that I thinkmost of us have of being able to
express our needs right If wecan't express our needs.
It gets difficult to have aboundary right, because then we
don't know where it goes.
We don't really understand whydo I need that boundary?
(08:26):
And then it's only like put inplace when something is really
severe or is a, you know, timeissue, that now we can't kind of
thing right.
You know that's about the onlytime people are forced to put up
boundaries.
Kate Aldrich (08:43):
What about, though , when you are clear and trying
to put up boundaries, but peopledon't respect it?
Brad Aldrich (08:49):
Yeah, I mean, we've all had that experience,
right.
If somebody pushes through,even though you've said you know
what, I can only come for theday, and then you go and you get
this passive aggressive.
You know, I really wish youcould have stayed longer you
know from a parent or somethinglike that, or you, you know
(09:15):
what's another example that youcan think of.
Kate Aldrich (09:16):
I was just I mean, I was just thinking of our own
example.
We failed to.
This is complete transparencyand rawness.
We failed to really be able totake a hold of the boundary we
needed.
As young married couple, wegrew up super close to each
other and around the holidays.
(09:38):
You know, thanksgiving andchristmas are so close together
and we ended up.
You know, christmas is a littlebit easier because everybody
has most people have a littlebit of a bigger break.
There's.
It's more acceptable to, youknow, visit this family this day
and this family this day, andso we were able to establish
that pretty quickly what?
We needed with that and healthyboundaries.
Brad Aldrich (10:00):
Stupid Thanksgiving, which sounds wrong
to say it that way.
I think that's true.
It took us years to enact aboundary around that, and then
nobody could honor it For like30 years, from five years of us
dating together through 20 yearsof marriage.
Kate Aldrich (10:20):
I don't know that we did our first Thanksgiving
together, but like soon after,yeah, we would go to each
family's, because our familiesonly live like three miles away
from each other, we would havetwo Thanksgivings at the same
time.
Which is super healthy, right?
Because when you see all of theshows around the holidays,
they're like don't overeat.
Brad Aldrich (10:38):
They're talking about one dinner.
We would pile them all in,drive an hour, go to somebody's
house for lunchtime Thanksgiving.
Kate Aldrich (10:46):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (10:46):
And then pile everybody in the car, drive
another five miles down the road, three miles down the road and
have another Thanksgiving fordinner and it's like why?
Kate Aldrich (10:57):
are we doing this and our poor children were
subject to two very differentdynamics.
Brad Aldrich (11:01):
Yes, emotional atmospheres, Two different yep.
Kate Aldrich (11:04):
And two different, very different Thanksgiving
dinners.
Brad Aldrich (11:07):
And then we would be utterly exhausted for the
next week and we were like how?
Kate Aldrich (11:12):
do we do this?
We put in place, I think, aboutfour or five years ago, that we
are going to do an Every Otherfor Thanksgiving and, thinking
about it, it's not even aboundary of we could do
Thanksgiving here by ourselves.
And, thinking about it, it'snot even a boundary of we could
do Thanksgiving here byourselves.
But we said we're going to doevery other year back from
Brad's family to my family, thatkind of thing Whoever's
available we're not requiringpeople to be available, but
(11:35):
whoever's available we'll spendit with it every year, every
year.
Brad Aldrich (11:40):
Every year there's pushback.
Kate Aldrich (11:41):
They can't handle it.
So there's your good example,guys.
Brad Aldrich (11:45):
But we're going to go through a list of steps to
putting up boundaries, and theseare things that we've done and
I'm not going to say that theymake it simple.
Kate Aldrich (11:56):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (11:57):
But they at least help you to figure out how to do
it.
Kate Aldrich (12:02):
I think that's good.
I think it's good, before welist these, to remember if, well
, and Brad, you're going to talkabout some of this.
But we also have to be curiousabout and do our own work on,
why do boundaries feel so hardto do?
Yes, it is somewhat the otherperson's reaction, but it comes
from our own story too andthere's probably a reason both
(12:23):
of us felt like we couldn'treally put that boundary up
earlier.
Um, so just know that that mightbe a little work you need to do
, like why are boundariesspecifically super hard?
Brad Aldrich (12:34):
for me.
I think that's so important,right?
Because the first step, thefirst rule in setting up some
boundaries is to know what youcan give and what you can't.
Kate Aldrich (12:49):
Okay, say more about that.
Brad Aldrich (12:50):
So right, like, oh fine, I can do that, I can do
that, I can do that, Like wejust tend to kind of allow
ourself to just give and giveand give and give until we're
exhausted and we take the weightof it, right.
Kate Aldrich (13:07):
And.
Brad Aldrich (13:08):
I think we need to say no, I can't do that Like.
That is going to have a costthat I can't spend right now.
That it has to get to thatlevel before you know, we often
are willing to put up theboundary.
Kate Aldrich (13:23):
Do you have suggestions for people on how,
especially with these, areobviously people often that we
care about oftentimes family,dear friends, like?
Are there specific ways that wecan express empathy for what
they feel like is a loss of timeor whatnot, as well as sticking
(13:48):
up for what we need, or is thatnot necessary?
Brad Aldrich (13:51):
I think there are times that we can go along with
expressing care and expressingfor the relationship, but one of
the things that we're going toget to is we don't need to
apologize for our boundary.
Kate Aldrich (14:08):
Right, I wasn't suggesting apologizing, but
something like I hear you and Iknow it's hard that we don't get
to spend this time together,sure.
Brad Aldrich (14:18):
I think that this is important to me.
Kate Aldrich (14:20):
So, let's Something like that.
Brad Aldrich (14:21):
I don't know, but let's think about a non-time
oriented boundary.
So somebody you know wantssomething from you, even
emotionally, that you don't havethe capacity for right now.
Okay Right, they, they.
It's more than just time thatyou don't have the capacity for
right now Okay Right, it's morethan just time.
They want a connection or theywant something and you're like
(14:44):
yeah, this friendship is.
I can't right now, I just don'thave that capacity.
You know, if we kind of go toofar and think, oh, I'd really
love to, but now we're makingexcuses, sure, right, too far,
and they, oh, I'd really love to, but I like now we're making
excuses, sure, right, and thatthat actually doesn't respect
them or respect yourself.
So I want to be a littlecautious of we don't need to
(15:06):
like, come up with a millionexcuses of why we can't have the
boundary.
Kate Aldrich (15:10):
That's not what.
I don't think I meant excusesbecause, guys, you need to know
straight out, brad will not.
He'll always, as I'm saying noto something, we're talking
about something, and someone'sasking me to do something via
text, I'm like no.
And then I'm talking outexplaining why, and he's like,
nope, just erase all that, justtext back, no, and so there
(15:35):
isn't.
So we weigh each other out.
But I don't mean excuses.
I mean, especially in caseswhere you are maybe sad that
this is something you can't do,sure, like being able to say I,
I don't know, because you don'twant to give false hope, I know
(15:55):
what you're saying.
You don't want to be notauthentic, right?
We don't want to give falsehope.
I know what you're saying.
You don't want to be notauthentic, right?
We don't want to say, oh, Ireally wish I could be there.
If part of the reason you'reputting up the boundary is you
don't actually want to be there,sure, I don't mean that either.
But you know, someone invitesyou to something and you're just
like, I really would like to bethere, but I need to make this
decision.
Brad Aldrich (16:14):
I'm going to spin this into.
What I'm going to say is steptwo Okay, perfect.
As you're talking about theboundary, you actually need to
be very specific about what isinbounds and what is out of
bounds.
Kate Aldrich (16:28):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (16:29):
So most of the time when we're putting up a
boundary, we are not cutting offthe relationship.
I don't want to see you anymore, period done right Like that's
not what we're talking aboutmost of the time.
This is a I am saying I can'tdo this or I need this space or
I need this time, or you know,we're putting up a boundary
(16:50):
within, so we tend to focus onwhat is now out of bounds.
Right.
I don't want to talk about thattopic.
You know, I don't want to talkabout my wife to you, mom Right,
and then we just focus on thatboundary.
Kate Aldrich (17:07):
Are you talking about a real example there?
Probably yes.
Brad Aldrich (17:13):
And you know those kind of boundaries like I'm not
going to talk about that, andthen we just focus on the what
we're not going to talk about.
But I think we need to spend asmuch time and I think this is
part of what you were talkingabout of saying what's in bounds
.
Yeah.
Right, like.
(17:37):
So.
I might be saying, or we didsay no, I'm not coming over for
Thanksgiving this time, but I'mreally looking forward to seeing
you at Christmas time.
So we emphasize back what'sinbounds.
And so, mom, I really don'twant to talk that way about my
wife, so we're not going to dothat, but I would love to hear
about your experience at churchthis week, or we can direct the
(17:57):
conversation to where we want itto go while we're still setting
up a healthy boundary.
Kate Aldrich (18:01):
Right Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich (18:03):
Yeah, so no, I'm not going to share that about
the kids, but I can tell you X,y, z.
Right, there are healthy thingsthat we can move the
conversation to that I think isreally important to focus on.
Okay, yep.
And that might be in thatlanguage.
Oh, I really can't do that, butI'm excited to be able to do
(18:25):
this right.
Like that, you can stillemphasize the relationship and
you can still emphasize theconnection with what you're
willing to do, what's in balance.
Kate Aldrich (18:35):
Right, yeah, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, that's good.
I think I was thinking of anexample like our 18-year-old.
We have our 18-year-old and16-year-old at home still both
girls and our 18-year-old hasalways unfortunately, she got me
as a mom.
She's always wanted me to beinvolved in all the stuff at
(18:55):
school, so when she plays asport or she does musical.
Unfortunately, since she'sentered high school, our younger
daughter has, you know, justreally struggled mental health
wise and required a lot moretime, and I remember telling her
I can't this year, you know,and we would evaluate every year
.
Brad Aldrich (19:14):
I can't do booster club, or I can't do right.
Kate Aldrich (19:16):
And when I couldn't again last year, cause
we just didn't feel like we hadthe capacity, I said to her I
will make sure to make it apriority for your senior year,
even if life doesn't look anyless complicated and whatnot.
And so in essence I was tellingher okay, this is going to be
in the boundaries, correct,right?
(19:37):
And, and you know so this yearI said, okay, here we go, here
we go.
And I told brad, you're doingthis with me.
He said what?
And I said, oh yeah, not justme, man you and me.
but like I told her what was,you know, and I kept
re-evaluating, you know, Irealized at some point with that
it's important to her, and ifit's important to her, it's
(20:00):
important to me.
And I couldn't keep just sayingno, because life is extra
complicated.
So telling someone what, whatcould be or what will be in the
bounds, which often makes peoplefeel less like you are
restricting everything, feelless like you are restricting
everything.
You know, mom, you know I don'twant to talk about my spouse
(20:21):
that way.
I'm willing to, you know, talkabout how we're doing as a
family in general.
Brad Aldrich (20:28):
But if you want to ask my spouse what they're
doing, reach out to them.
Or if you want to sit togetherall four of us and have a
conversation.
Kate Aldrich (20:34):
I'm happy to do that Right Like yes again,
that's focused on what's in, butyeah, not just, I'm not going
to do that yeah, so we have knowwhat you can give and what you
can't, so that's helping youhave permission to have a
boundary yeah then beingspecific about where the
boundary is, what's in andwhat's out of bounds, and then
(20:55):
it's give yourself actualpermission to ask for it.
Brad Aldrich (20:59):
Right like actually vocalize the boundary
right right and communicatedon't do yeah, no, exactly, we
just kind of shut the door or wemake excuses that put up the
boundary correct but then it'snot clear and nobody actually
really knows but you what'sgoing on.
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (21:19):
And then that leads to lots of hurt.
Brad Aldrich (21:21):
Well, it is almost going to enforce the fact that
people will push on yourboundary because you haven't
actually told them where it is.
So, without communication,which is hard.
I like totally.
This is the part I would liketo avoid too.
But you know, give yourselfpermission to actually go and
(21:43):
ask and say I need to put upthis boundary, I'm not going to
do this anymore.
And while you're doing it, theother part to remember is you
don't apologize for thatboundary Right, what you're
doing is putting up a limit ofwhat you can and can't do, and
you've decided that limit, andnow you're asking for that
boundary right?
What you're doing is putting upa limit of what you can and
can't do, and you've decidedthat limit, and now you're
asking for that boundary.
So, you don't go.
I'm so sorry.
(22:04):
I know this is what you'd want,but right, cause that that just
weakens your boundary.
Kate Aldrich (22:10):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (22:10):
So really, I think the important thing is just to
remember it is hard to set upboundaries.
It's difficult, it's going tobe emotional, it's hard to have
that conversation, but you needto.
You need to be able to talkabout this because otherwise you
are setting up a place thatyou're going to have put up a
boundary and somebody's going toroll through it because they
(22:31):
didn't even know it's there.
Kate Aldrich (22:33):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (22:33):
Right, and so talking about it, putting it up,
not apologizing for it.
And then the last step isreally anticipating your own
reactions, and often negativereactions to the boundary.
Kate Aldrich (22:51):
What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich (22:52):
I think a lot of times we feel bad that we let
somebody down we feel bad thatwe may have hurt somebody's
feelings, that they wanted Xmore of me, or that I can't do
this with them.
That hurts them.
Kate Aldrich (23:10):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (23:10):
And we see their negative reaction and all of us
people pleasers go oh okay, it'sjust my boundary, I don't want
to hurt them and we want to givein.
And then we go okay, I'll finda way to get there.
And then we feel like we're notupholding the boundary because
really what's happened is theyhave a reaction and we just take
(23:34):
down the boundary.
Kate Aldrich (23:35):
Should we be thinking about what their
reaction is going to be?
Brad Aldrich (23:39):
Well, I think we're going to see their
reaction.
Kate Aldrich (23:41):
Well, of course.
Brad Aldrich (23:42):
And we can anticipate that they may have a
negative reaction to it.
Kate Aldrich (23:46):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (23:46):
And that's okay.
Kate Aldrich (23:48):
Well, and Brene Brown says and I love this quote
you are not responsible forsomeone else's negative reaction
to your boundary.
That includes your family, yourfriends.
You're not responsible for it.
Correct, and it's going to behard.
It's going to be hard to sitwith it, right, Because none of
us like to sit with thoseuncomfortable things, especially
things that have probably, ifwe're talking about family have
(24:10):
been happening to us for years,and we do need to honor that it
would be much easier for you tokeep going with the way your
family functions and thestrategies you figured out as a
part of your family, but rightPushing against.
(24:30):
this is how we have some healing, some freedom.
It benefits us in lots ofdifferent ways and it's going to
be hard to see your familyreact.
The way that you probablyalready know they're going to
react.
Brad Aldrich (24:41):
Well, and I think one of the ways that we can
probably see this in action isto think about a situation that
we're probably a little bit morecomfortable with.
In looking through a boundarythat we might give a child right
, Like we may say, don't do thisright, and we've given
(25:07):
ourselves permission to say, oh,I don't want you to ride your
bike past here.
Right, that's a boundary thatwe've put up.
We understand why we're doingthat is because of safety
reasons.
Right, they're going to come upto a big road.
We don't want them on that.
So we're going to say you canride your bike in this loop.
Right, We've created thatboundary and we're pretty okay
(25:31):
with that.
We give ourselves permission todo that because we know that
there's a consequence on theother side.
Safety issue right, we don't.
We don't even think aboutapologizing.
I'm so sorry you won't be ableto do that like we it.
Kate Aldrich (25:44):
We don't usually do that with kids not usually,
but I think sometimes it doeshappen because when the kids are
old enough to say somethinglike you, don't let me do
anything, you're ruining my life, right?
Brad Aldrich (26:03):
And that's exactly what I was going to, of
anticipating your negativereaction and their negative
reaction to the boundary.
Right, we know why we're doingit and if we believe in the
reason, the boundary is a wholelot easier to manage and to keep
.
Sure, right, if we don't knowwhy we're doing it, I just have
some arbitrary line that I don'twant you to cross.
(26:26):
Then all of a sudden it's likeoh well, well, your kiddo needs
to understand too, exactly well,well, your kiddo needs to
understand right, exactly.
Kate Aldrich (26:33):
But again there's that whole like that's off
limits because it's dangerous.
Brad Aldrich (26:38):
But look at all of this that you can explore
exactly or whatever on your bikeright um you know and focus
them back to what they can do,not what they can't yeah,
entirely correct, and I I thinkit is just maybe easier to see
it in that place, becauseusually the boundaries that we
(27:00):
are challenged with areboundaries to people up, or at
least on the same level.
Sure, parents, it's boundariesto our boss or our friends or
even our spouse, that we need tofigure out.
How do we put healthyboundaries in?
a way that says I need this, andwhen we flip it to the
(27:24):
parenting role, it feels like wehave a little bit more control.
Kate Aldrich (27:28):
True, but I do think, specifically, something
that's probably worth mentioningis teenagers, because it is a
time where you're removing someboundaries which ones still stay
, and of course, your teenageris going to think any boundary
is just ridiculous, sure.
So I do think lots of parentsstruggle with boundaries to
(27:50):
teenagers, because teenagers arealso super smart.
They're an amazing populationof people and they also know how
to manipulate.
Absolutely To make you feel allthe feels about the boundary
you still think is a really goodone.
Well, right and we have to dealwith how we feel about that.
Brad Aldrich (28:08):
That thing of being specific and clear about
what's inbounds and out ofbounds absolutely comes into
play with teenagers.
Kate Aldrich (28:16):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (28:16):
Right, Because in the past you may just say, no,
you can't do this.
But as they get their arguingskills up and get to figuring
out what's fair and what's not,they want some clarity on what
is okay.
Are you?
Saying that I can't check outany book in the library.
Kate Aldrich (28:37):
No, you can check out these right, that's not
where I thought that was going,right that kind of stuff, you
know.
Brad Aldrich (28:44):
are you saying I can't watch anything on Netflix?
No, you can watch like you know, and then.
So we sometimes have to beclear and specific, you know,
about what's inbounds and what'sout of bounds.
Kate Aldrich (28:55):
Yeah yeah, you know you're so good at that.
I think we'll just let youhandle that.
Brad Aldrich (29:02):
No, no, that's okay, well, I mean, you know
this takes a team to do together, especially when it's parenting
, because if you're not on thesame page, yeah, um, you know
the kids they're gonna sensethat a mile away just run to the
person who says do whatever youwant, I don't care yeah, they
(29:23):
can sniff that out guys.
Kate Aldrich (29:24):
Yeah, 100.
So but and I mean it.
It could be possible that thereason we're talking about this
today is because boundaries andteenagers was a recent theme for
us.
Brad Aldrich (29:39):
In our house?
Yeah, maybe, but I think it'simportant just to recognize's
the removal of boundariesbetween two people, and while
(30:12):
that's true, even marriedcouples have boundaries in our
personal relationships.
Kate Aldrich (30:17):
Every personal relationship Now probably
doesn't look like you hopefullyhaving to go through this list,
although sometimes we've dealtwith those kinds of things.
Of course, but it's still like,hey, you know, I really need to
make sure I'm getting half anhour a day where it's just me
time, just me, nobody else, youknow, and of course, with kids
(30:43):
then it's like figuring that out, but also like it's not a
personal cut on you, it's andthis isn't necessarily me, but
I'm saying like it's not becauseI don't love you, it's because
I also matter and this is what Ineed.
And like trying to navigatethose things so honestly.
There are times I talk withwomen about boundaries in
(31:03):
marriage and what boundaries doyou need and how can you express
that to your husband?
And it's more needs than it isboundaries, I think it's the
same thing we go through,actually.
Brad Aldrich (31:15):
I think this is really good insight, like being
able to say I have a need toyour spouse is somewhat a
similar conversation.
Right, because we have to beable to be talking about more
what's in bounds.
Right, I'm going to need to beable to go to bed earlier.
I'm going to need to be able togo to bed earlier.
I'm going to need to be able to.
Kate Aldrich (31:37):
Not cook ever.
No, no, no, no Shoot.
I tried to sneak that one inthere.
Brad Aldrich (31:43):
But I'm going to need some more help here or,
like you know, that may be aboundary conversation.
I can't do this, so here's whatI can do.
Here's what's in bounds, here'swhat's out of bounds.
I would like to hear from youwhat your options are on how to
cook these other three nights,or something like that right.
(32:03):
That is what you're saying whatI can do and what I can't do.
Kate Aldrich (32:08):
Yeah, yeah.
So, no, totally.
Brad Aldrich (32:11):
And I think that's where healthy communication
starts in a lot of thoseconversations.
Kate Aldrich (32:17):
I think, though and the reason I brought it up
is I think, when you doboundaries, you know you talk
about boundaries like we are.
We always think it's external,and even with our kids, but
there are things to be learnedin marriage about what that
looks like.
Because, every humanrelationship needs boundaries.
Jesus had boundaries with thedisciples.
(32:40):
He was close with them, he wasliterally discipling them, and
yet there were times he was likenope, I'm going off for a
little while.
He didn't tell them what he wasdoing, he didn't ask permission
.
He didn't tell them what he wasdoing, he didn't ask permission
, he didn't apologize, he wentand we don't actually know what
he did a lot of the time.
And so there are.
(33:01):
It is important to even haveboundaries in our most safe and
intimate relationships.
Brad Aldrich (33:06):
Correct, Correct.
So well, I hope that that wassomething that you can chew on
and maybe have a conversationwith your spouse about how they
do boundaries, how they feelabout them, what they saw in
their homes about boundaries andwhat does it bring up for them
(33:26):
as we are having thisconversation.
Yeah, Be really good healthynext steps for you.
So I hope you found thathelpful.
As always, we would love tohear from you.
If you have questions that youwould love to hear us talk about
on the show, reach out to us.
You can email us at help atstillbecomingonecom.
(33:49):
And until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (33:53):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (34:00):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
And speaking opportunities youcan find us at
aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(34:27):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts,
and be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on still
becoming one.
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