May 14, 2025 • 39 mins
Brad and Kate Aldrich explore how seemingly healthy self-care activities might actually be "imitation self-care" that creates distance rather than true rejuvenation in marriage relationships.
• Imitation self-care activities mimic real self-care but leave us feeling worse afterward
• Binge-watching shows and mindless scrolling often become ways to avoid connection
• The content we're drawn to often reveals something about our emotional needs
• Workaholism serves as false self-care when it provides validation missing at home
• Marriage strain often peaks when couples have infants around 6-7 months old
• Other common substitutes include shopping, excessive cleaning, and using spirituality to avoid problems
• Healthy curiosity about our coping mechanisms helps us understand our deeper needs
When the temptation to engage in these activities arises, invite it onto the porch and ask why it's here right now. Rather than trying to ignore or indulge it, use it as information about what you truly need.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Welcome back.
We are so glad to be here.
That sounded like welcome back,Cotter.
Kate Aldrich (00:42):
What's welcome back, Cotter, oh see, I'm older
than you.
Brad Aldrich (00:45):
I used to watch reruns, Babe you're 17 months
older than me.
Kate Aldrich (00:50):
Like let's not make it sound like you're like
seven.
Brad Aldrich (00:54):
Welcome back.
There are people on this showwho have no idea what I'm
talking about, and there aresome that loved that old TV show
.
Kate Aldrich (01:02):
Both of us grew up only two miles from each other
for most of our childhood atleast, Brad, third grade on in
my whole life and we had thesame crappy TV coverage because
neither of our parents wouldever pay for cable and I lived
out where you couldn't get cable, until I graduated college.
Brad Aldrich (01:23):
It was John Travolta's first TV show I never
, I've never.
Kate Aldrich (01:27):
I do not know what you're talking about.
Brad Aldrich (01:29):
Yeah, so it was from 1975.
So I only watched it on reruns.
Kate Aldrich (01:33):
This is often what we do.
What channel was it on 57?
I have no idea.
But it wasn't like the mainchannels, right.
Brad Aldrich (01:40):
It ran from 75 to 79.
So I only saw it.
It was a school-based.
Kate Aldrich (01:47):
You watched it after school.
Brad Aldrich (01:49):
Yeah, it was definitely after school.
Kate Aldrich (01:51):
Okay.
Brad Aldrich (01:51):
But it was a teacher and he was teaching the
rough kids and it was reallyfunny, so it's like the first
Saved by the Bell.
Yeah, kind of Kind of.
I mean, there's probably someelements of that, yeah, anyway,
okay, okay, just the way yousaid welcome back made me think
of it.
So some of you are like I haveno idea what we're talking about
and some of you just went downmemory lane with me, so there
(02:15):
you go like we literally had, Ithink, five tv channels right
yeah, now you're making us justsound and and we had to get up
and change the channel.
Kate Aldrich (02:26):
My kids are all like what it's like.
Yeah, guys, I mean later inteen years we had remotes, but
not as kids.
Brad Aldrich (02:33):
No, it was fun times guys.
This actually transitionedperfectly well into our
continuation.
Kate Aldrich (02:41):
Are we talking about TV?
Brad Aldrich (02:43):
Well we are.
We're going to talk about someof TV because we're talking
about imitation, self-care andhow that is impacting our
marriages.
Kate Aldrich (02:54):
I'm sorry, I've got to be honest.
Every time I hear this phrase,I think of imitation crab meat.
Brad Aldrich (03:00):
Well it's, and I do want to know how many have
that coping strategy ofimitation crab meat.
Kate Aldrich (03:07):
Okay, it's pretty similar.
Brad Aldrich (03:09):
Like it's there and it's okay, but it's not
great and it really doesn't meetthe goal of crab meat right.
Kate Aldrich (03:17):
I remember when we were dating and your family
loved it.
Brad Aldrich (03:20):
They did.
Kate Aldrich (03:21):
And they made a really yummy salad with it and
and I was just like wow, wheredid you get like crab meat
that's so like plentiful,because I remember picking crab
meat out of crabs growing up andI'm like this is like, this is
insane, like you get like a golfball size of meat and anyways,
and he's like well, it, it'simitation and I was like what?
Brad Aldrich (03:44):
is it then?
Kate Aldrich (03:47):
Like I was like, if it's not crab what is?
It.
So, anyways, imitation crabmeat.
Brad Aldrich (03:53):
All right, no imitation self-care Okay Right,
and we're saying the reason thatwe're talking about this and
the reason I think it's such animportant topic is because these
are things that we go to in ourmarriage that aren't horrible,
but they actually don't give usthe connection or the care that
(04:15):
we're seeking.
Kate Aldrich (04:16):
Right and, as we said, they're often we said last
podcast they're oftenrecreating the trauma or trying
to reverse it or fix it in someway, like it's often addressing
directly what's happened to you,even though it doesn't seem
that way logically yes so whichone are we talking?
Brad Aldrich (04:36):
about.
So we're talking about a couple.
Um, we're going to talk aboutsome of the mental escapes.
Last time we talked about sexand food, or porn and food and
some of those kind of thingsthis time I wanted to talk, at
least start talking about, likesome of the mental escapes that
we do.
Kate Aldrich (04:54):
Well, that was mine was kind of in that, though
, when I shared my story.
Brad Aldrich (04:57):
Yeah, that's right Part of it was definitely
mental.
I think now today, the two mostcommon I think now today, the
two most common arebinge-watching and mindless
social media scrolling.
Kate Aldrich (05:10):
And you're right, our TV really does bring up this
subject, because there was nobinge-watching, nothing.
Brad Aldrich (05:15):
No, no, in the past there wasn't, but now
that's what everyone does.
Kate Aldrich (05:21):
You had one show, guys, and you had to wait a
whole week for another show andthen, when you got to the season
being done on a cliffhanger,you had to wait like five months
for it to continue.
Brad Aldrich (05:31):
This says something about one of our sons,
but I remember introducing MASHto one of our kids who is just
that type, and I loved MASHgrowing up.
It was so wonderful and Iremember going through the
episodes with him over time andgoing at one point going oh, I
don't think I ever saw thisepisode and he was like what do
(05:51):
you mean?
Kate Aldrich (05:52):
I'm like well, that's just not how episodes
worked back then we had a TVguide and sometimes we were
doing something else and youcouldn't watch your favorite
show.
Okay, so binge watching.
So are you saying the bingewatching and scrolling are wrong
?
Brad Aldrich (06:10):
It's not necessarily wrong, but I think
there is a place where sometimesthey are avoiding real life
stresses and it is a way toavoid connection or overwhelm,
to avoid each other.
Kate Aldrich (06:31):
Mm-hmm.
Well, and here's the challenge,with a lot of things we're
going to talk about I think wesaid this last time, but if we
didn't, some things really haveno value ever, such as, sadly,
pornography, drugs, people whohave an alcohol addiction.
There are some things that youcan't dabble in and they're okay
(06:54):
, yeah, right, and that's not tojudge those things.
They were really helpful forthat person, as we said, who
knows what their life would looklike without them, but they do
only bring a destructive patternfor that person.
Um because some people can drinkalcohol and it's fine Drugs, I
think have its own discussion,but anyways, just remembering
(07:17):
that.
But a lot of what we're goingto talk about food binge
watching, like um scrolling onsocial media everybody does that
, or not everybody, most people.
It doesn't mean you can't everdo it it's just.
Brad Aldrich (07:32):
What role does it play and when is it coming out
and when is it happening?
Kate Aldrich (07:36):
and are you actually cognizant?
Yeah right, because self-careis choosing to go to something,
choosing to spend a amount oftime with it and coming out of
it feeling better or rested orlike a breath of fresh air, I'm
ready to do something Right.
Brad Aldrich (07:53):
And so many times these imitation self-care are
the opposite.
We end up, out of them, feelingworse.
Like the imitation crab meatfeeling worse, like the
imitation crab meat just kidding, no, but I think that's that's
a good sign that maybe ourself-care wasn't that healthy is
.
Kate Aldrich (08:12):
Yeah, after consuming it we feel worse, more
tired or more tired, drainedmore depressed, more like
physically, like you just don'tfeel and, and I want to add,
when you do something good, itdoesn't.
We don't want to paint theimpression that the world is all
(08:35):
flowers and roses when we sayyou feel a little better, a
breath of fresh air.
Brad Aldrich (08:39):
No, you feel that little you feel that notch up of
better right right, not 20.
Kate Aldrich (08:44):
20 notches.
That's not how it works, butthat's often what people
perceive in their brain and thenthey get discouraged because
they aren't 20 notches up.
So maybe I wasn't actuallydoing something good for me, and
so remember, it's like a notch,it's like, okay, I feel a
little bit better, so yeah.
Brad Aldrich (09:04):
I think and here's some of the difference, right,
I can remember oh I don't know acouple months ago I was just
having a rough week and having arough time and I did take a
weekend and binge watch thefirst two extended release
episodes of the Lord of theRings?
(09:25):
Yes, Right, and I still haven'tgotten to episode three.
I need to watch that one Bummer.
But like there's a place forthis and that's why I want to
like go on both sides.
There's a place of like.
I just need a mental escape.
And it's going to be a time andit's going to be like a place,
and so I don't want to totallysay this is horrible, because I
(09:50):
think it's okay, even as acouple, to go.
Oh my gosh, it's been a lot.
let's just sit down and watch ashow together, let's just like
it's okay but, I think there'sso many times where things like
binge watching are really moreabout avoiding and running away
from and not wanting to thinkand not wanting to engage, and
(10:14):
they're not actually helpingright, yeah, so what do you
think?
Kate Aldrich (10:19):
like, I also think there's thoughts on content oh
right, sure I think what we tendto go to gives gives us some
clues to some things.
Right, curiosities, it's notagain we're not judging, we're
not like oh you, curiosities,it's not again, we're not
judging, we're not like oh, youwant to watch that.
Like it's not like that.
And there shouldn't be contemptand I know you and I spent
(10:41):
years being contemptuous forwhat the other one wanted to go
to, because I think we saw it asa comparison.
Well, we tend to do opposite.
What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich (10:51):
You tend to go to comfort shows Okay Shows that
show.
Kate Aldrich (10:58):
Okay, well, we're not talking about the most
recent years, though, right.
Brad Aldrich (11:02):
No.
Kate Aldrich (11:02):
Because that has changed.
I have been very clear with theamount of tension, trauma in
our home, I can't watch anythingangsty, Right Like that stuff
is just.
It actually just gets my bodygoing and I'm like nope.
Brad Aldrich (11:16):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (11:16):
But you mean like earlier.
Brad Aldrich (11:18):
Yeah, I think even earlier you went to things that
were comfort for you in one wayor another.
Good endings, right.
Kate Aldrich (11:28):
Fun shows, laughter, I mean.
I think I'm still like that.
Brad Aldrich (11:32):
Yeah, you are.
Kate Aldrich (11:34):
But I used to love historical stuff because I love
studying history with you.
That's actually a commonalitywe have.
So we'd watch lots of war ones,that kind of stuff that didn't
always obviously end well.
Brad Aldrich (11:46):
I tend to do the more and this is a theme and it
is something I've I've beenaware of, of I tend to do more
of the angsty, uh, drama andsometimes that place of, yes,
psychological thrillers, thatkind of thing that is like oh
(12:09):
man, I'm not as messed up asthey are, like that's part of
the draw, almost Like you watch.
Okay, I'm just going to throwout this show that you know I
like to watch sometimes of likehoarders, right, I find it
fascinating and the psychologyof it I find fascinating.
But there is a reason that showis popular because it's like oh
(12:32):
well, I'm not as bad as that,like yeah, unfortunately it
makes me sad for them, of course.
Kate Aldrich (12:38):
We're then getting entertainment off of someone's.
Brad Aldrich (12:41):
I mean hoarders is huge trauma like you want to
talk about enormous trauma rightlike this, just the way to deal
with it.
Kate Aldrich (12:50):
So I think like, yeah, I mean, I don't mind
watching some of those thingswith you.
Um, I'm not a huge, I've neverbeen a huge reality tv, and I
kind of put that in the genrebecause the people are current
telling you their story yeahlike that kind of stuff, but
anyways, but I think one of theyeah, I mean we're're sitting
here doing a podcast.
Brad Aldrich (13:11):
We need to pull that in.
Like one of the most popularforms of podcasts are like
murder mysteries.
Kate Aldrich (13:20):
I don't get that.
Brad Aldrich (13:21):
Well, and what I have heard, there's some
research that says the mostcommon people to listen to them
are single women, and it isalmost like a cautionary tale of
like what are the things that Ineed to be aware of to be safe?
I suppose right, and in someways also like well, man, my
(13:45):
life's not as messed up as thatkind of thing.
Kate Aldrich (13:48):
Just for clarity's sake, is a murder mystery
podcast just like reading amurder mystery book?
Brad Aldrich (13:52):
No, often it's like real life going through
real life cases where thishappened and that kind of stuff.
Yeah, and trying to figure outwhodunit.
You know those kind of.
So there's a mystery part to itof like we don't know who did
it.
But I have listened to some butbecause I love the psychology
(14:14):
of some of that, you likefiguring out mysteries?
Kate Aldrich (14:17):
I don't.
Oh my gosh yeah.
Brad Aldrich (14:18):
Yeah, but that's the thing we can look at.
Why are we going to thiscontent?
Kate Aldrich (14:26):
Right Back to the original point.
Right, the original point here.
Brad Aldrich (14:30):
What is it that we're doing?
Kate Aldrich (14:32):
That draws me to this.
Brad Aldrich (14:33):
To this.
Kate Aldrich (14:34):
Well, and do you think those types of things?
You called mine comfort.
I think that's interesting.
I guess there's comfort in thatthere's no angst.
It's mostly, you know, happyendings kind of things.
I do not watch just romance byany means.
I like series that don't.
I mean, usually that's a partof life, but do you think that
(14:58):
there's the angsty ones?
People want to keep their bodyon humming.
Brad Aldrich (15:05):
Yeah, I think there's a part where we're used
to the cortisol level, we'reused to the stress level, and so
we're watching something.
That is that.
In fact, you know, there's beensome interesting articles I've
seen recently about like hey, ifwe're going to serious drama to
relax, we need to look at why,because I think it's saying
(15:28):
something about our overallstress level.
Kate Aldrich (15:31):
That is probably not a healthy thing, because
we're going to.
Brad Aldrich (15:35):
Hey, this stress is out there.
It's not me anymore.
Kate Aldrich (15:39):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (15:39):
It's not my stress , it's now their stress, but I'm
still stressed, Right Kind ofthing.
So I think that's something tolook at.
And this was me for a reallylong time.
Was I had to constantly havesomething a podcast news,
(16:01):
something on to drown outinternal thoughts, Because if I
didn't have something on, I'd bethinking and I didn't want to
be thinking when was that?
Kate Aldrich (16:09):
I don't remember that Because you're the one who
often it must be when you and Iwere not interacting.
Yeah, because when you and Iare interacting you do not like
anything else on.
It is very distracting for you,whereas me I can have music on.
I don't watch a lot of TV, butit could be on in the background
and not bug me.
So it must have been when weweren't.
Brad Aldrich (16:28):
When we weren't doing as well, for sure, well,
no, but we also weren't when weweren't doing as well for sure?
Kate Aldrich (16:31):
Well, no, but we also weren't in each other's
presence, is what I mean.
Brad Aldrich (16:34):
Yeah, because and I think there's some truth there
of like, if I was in the car, Iwas had something going, if I
like, I'm guilty of that forsure in the car.
And again, I don't mean this isalways a horrible thing, but
(16:57):
again, why?
What is it?
Is it?
And I think there was a placefor me of I didn't want to think
, yeah, so I'm going to usesomething to avoid it as this
imitation self-care, because ifI think things get negative,
things get ugly, things, youknow kind of which is why so
many people in america havesleep issues.
Kate Aldrich (17:08):
Right, because that's when and think about it.
Our kids show us that whenthey're little.
When do they come to you andwant to talk about or want to
trick mom and dad into nothaving?
to go to bed right, becausethat's the time there's nothing
else for them to do, and thethoughts come in, and we're no
different yeah so like I thinkthat shows how much we often try
(17:32):
to keep ourselves from thinkingit's a very normal thing, yeah,
and I think it absolute tvaddict for a long time in my
life and I still enjoy it, butit's become much less because
(18:04):
I've recognized um.
Brad Aldrich (18:07):
You know how I used it to escape yeah and
dealing with the fact of why doI want to escape, helped me to
go.
Okay, I don't need to as muchSure, and that's kind of the
idea of all of these is why arewe using it this?
Kate Aldrich (18:24):
way, and I know with like scrolling because I
want to make sure we talk aboutthat a little bit.
Like you and I tend to allowourselves to scroll a little bit
at the end of the night,because I don't get on anything
mostly through the day, and so Iknow, though, what helps me
most to fall asleep.
(18:45):
Well, part of my sleep routineis to read, and yes, I do not
read angsty things, I don't, Ijust don't because they don't
help.
So I read something bland andblah, but I read for at least 10
minutes every night, and thething I recognize is, if I'm
scrolling, so usually I'llscroll for like five or 10
minutes, and then I read, and ifI notice that a couple of
(19:08):
nights in a row, I'm not reading, I'm just putting my phone down
and going to bed.
I'm like, nope, this is takingover a space that it shouldn't
be.
I have told Brad repeatedlywhen I do that I don't sleep
well, even though I felt tiredbefore I put my phone away.
Like the reading is just sodifferent in how it helps my
(19:29):
brain.
Now reading can be a thing too,like what are you going to?
How long you stay in there?
But overall, reading is a muchbetter coping strategy for
people.
Oh yeah, but there are things.
People can be addicted toreading, but it does take effort
, so it's a little less likely.
Brad Aldrich (19:50):
I think then it's more the topic that we're
reading and and what thematerial is, then it is
necessarily the action right, ofcourse kind of thing, because,
yes, there is absolutelyescapism in reading yeah, yeah
and it can be unhealthy.
Kate Aldrich (20:08):
It can be getting sucked into a really good book.
That's a good, that's not a badthing, right, but anyway.
So, like I think, withscrolling it's like, how long do
I spend there?
The other thing I try to remindmyself with Brad or the kids,
if I'm choosing scrolling over aconversation like that says
(20:28):
something like it's feedingsomething to me, right then.
And if I have that little bitof annoyance that my kid is now
interrupting me, it's feedingsomething to me, right then.
And if I have that little bitof annoyance that my kid is now
interrupting me, it's like, oh,you need to put.
And I try then to turn it off,right then, and put it down yeah
and even say I'm sorry I wasn'tlistening very well, or
something like that.
Yeah, but scrolling, I think, isone of those ones that's very
(20:49):
um.
It's at our fingertips, so it'shard for people to recognize it
.
Brad Aldrich (20:54):
Yeah, I mean, I've put this is just me.
I've put a like use the timerthing on my scrolling so that
when it's like my phone goes,you have been on it for an hour,
which doesn't happen every day,but every once in a while I'll
hit that hour mark and I'm like,oh crap, okay, I just need to
not do this.
Kate Aldrich (21:13):
Have you tried the brick yet?
Brad Aldrich (21:15):
I have not.
Kate Aldrich (21:15):
It's sitting here.
Brad Aldrich (21:16):
I haven't haven't played with it, so I did get
yeah, get get a brick, and Ithought I'm going to play around
with it, yeah, and see if thatwas that was helpful Cause I was
curious what that?
Kate Aldrich (21:27):
if it felt helpful .
If it felt helpful, if it felt,because you know it's an
interesting concept of somethingto kind of help you be aware um
, and help you sometimes havethat I'll set it up and tell the
podcast.
Brad Aldrich (21:43):
Is it?
Is it a marriage helpful umdevice at some point?
If it's?
Kate Aldrich (21:47):
personally helpful .
It's going to be helpful toyour marriage.
Yeah that's what we need toremember, because, yeah, but and
some people will often, I think, when we often meet with
couples, well, is it okay if wewatch shows together?
Sure, but if we're talkingabout connection, that like it
(22:08):
can be, but if that's the onlyway you can connect, I mean, I
suppose it's better than nothing, but it's it it is.
Brad Aldrich (22:15):
It is better than nothing.
I mean, I have a.
I've talked to a lot of couples.
It's like he's got her shows,she's got his shows and they
separate and don't even do that.
And that's okay that thathappens with us too sometimes
yeah but we prioritize whenwe're going to watch tv together
, of finding something for ustogether and that's not a bad
(22:36):
thing yeah, yeah.
So yeah, these, these forms ofimitation self care are tricky
because they sometimes can beself-care yeah, yeah, and that's
exactly right, and we need torecognize when it is and when it
isn't.
Kate Aldrich (22:53):
Yep.
Brad Aldrich (22:54):
And when it's pulling us apart, I'm going to
flip the script almost 180degrees in another one.
Kate Aldrich (23:02):
Oh boy.
Brad Aldrich (23:03):
Of overworking.
Kate Aldrich (23:06):
Oh.
Brad Aldrich (23:07):
Or workaholism, if we want to put it in that form,
where we are working todistract ourselves from other
things.
We're working to deal withemotional pain, including
feeling connected, worthy,respected, like in that form
(23:28):
place because we don't in others.
Kate Aldrich (23:31):
Yeah, I don't think I've ever been a
workaholic, so I don't say thatin a judgmental way.
I mean, sometimes I can feelstressed and I feel the need to
keep myself busy, whether it'swith and I'm still in a role in
our ministry where I'm part-timeso that I can be part-time mom,
(23:54):
take care of the householdthings.
Brad Aldrich (23:56):
You are full-time mom, part-time working.
Kate Aldrich (24:00):
Well, but they're not here during school.
So I kind of figure I am stillmom but I'm not actually
actively doing anything.
I didn't mean that that waything, I didn't mean that that
way, but like, and Brad isalways super great with helping
out on the stuff around thehouse, but he is working
full-time running our ministryand our coaching network.
So I have the like uniqueperspective and, yes, I've had
(24:23):
full-time jobs, but I don't everfeel like I was quite of a
workaholic.
I think if I was ever towardsthat direction, it was because I
always wanted to make sure Iwas doing my best so that that
fit into my narrative and mystory.
So I don't struggle with this,other than when I feel anxious
(24:44):
at home, I tend to then startcleaning all the things.
Brad Aldrich (24:48):
So you're going to have to talk about this one
okay, I I do think you knowmaybe there's more men that that
wrestle with this.
I I sure there are women thatdo.
Yeah, I don't know I don't knownow that more women are working
full-time, like if that, if thatstill fits that I think the
challenge is when men arefeeling honored, respected,
(25:14):
important, worthy in their joband it doesn't even have to be
direct, it's like oh yeah, okay,I did that well, so I feel good
about it.
And, um, sometimes it's moneyrelated, sometimes it's just
just you know the boss or yousaying, yeah, you did a good job
.
Like that then becomes thisstriving for I want more of that
(25:41):
.
So then I'm going to focus onthat as a way of taking care of
myself, of saying I have value,of saying I have worthy.
I'm going to throw all of thesehours into that work and that
probably for most people, fixesa narrative.
Oh, absolutely it does.
Kate Aldrich (26:01):
Do you?
I do just have a question,though Do you now like sit in
here in your office and saythose things to yourself?
Brad Aldrich (26:07):
I have value.
Because you're the boss I meanno, there are external things
turn on your zoom and look atyourself and be like you did so
well today I mean I?
I will kind of out myself.
There are other metrics that Iuse.
(26:27):
Oh gotcha, do that.
Kate Aldrich (26:30):
I was like wait a second.
I'm very curious now.
It's not me saying it to myself, it's like oh, how many
sessions do we have this month?
Brad Aldrich (26:41):
Those kind of things do start to go.
Okay, I have value.
It's so easy to fall down thatslope, Gotcha.
Kate Aldrich (26:49):
Like it's so easy to fall down that slope, Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich (26:51):
And I think for us it's something you and I have
done for a very long time oftalking about that stuff.
Right From the point when I wasthe director of a counseling
center to you know, there wereplaces that we would talk about
the stresses and the positivesat work, and so for us I think
(27:17):
that always was something thatwe could jump into together.
But I see so many guys thatdon't have that affirmation at
home of how hard they've beenworking, of the things that
they're doing, the value thatthey're bringing, and so then it
(27:38):
just reinforces this place of Ihave to work really, really
hard because then I don't feelthe emotional pain of not being
worthy.
Kate Aldrich (27:48):
Something to keep in mind for sure, and I realize,
with these subjects, like we'rekind of getting off on other
things we've already talkedabout.
On these subjects, I, I 100%feel like you work so hard, like
you are constantly working andwork so hard for our family and
always have.
I think I hear the mainstruggle and I realized this is
(28:10):
kind of going off the topic alittle bit that we deal with is
when, if you choose to havesmall children, that is the time
the husband doesn't feelaffirmed and the wife is
exhausted.
It's just a recipe for everyonefeeling like a lot crap and
we'll just use that word, and sothat is the time I feel like
(28:31):
and I would admit I don't knowthat I did a great job then in
affirming you.
Brad Aldrich (28:38):
I think you nailed it.
It is a time that I see thebiggest strain in some of this
stuff.
And it's a double-edged swordbecause usually for guys at that
age, where little ones arecoming in, they are in in their
(28:59):
career paths, often in thisplace, where it's like, okay,
I've got to work really hard toget to that next level, like
they're in that space wherethings are growing, where
they're trying to figure outtheir path, and I mean I
certainly was.
It was like, okay, if I just doa little bit more here, I'm
going to get this.
And so they're getting all ofthis affirmation from work often
(29:22):
, and it is a natural.
I want to say this it is anatural thing but you go from a
couple of two, a couple, andwhere a lot of care and
affirmation is going between thetwo of you, to adding that
(29:43):
third and so much of that careand affirmation then goes to the
third.
And that is natural.
It's normal.
It needs to happen.
I'm not saying that your wivesare doing or moms are doing a
bad thing in that.
But so often I hear guys withinfants with six or seven month
(30:04):
olds.
It seems to happen in thatspace.
Kate Aldrich (30:06):
You're gonna see six or seven children, six or
seven like it's I don't knowwhat to tell you then.
Actually, I.
Brad Aldrich (30:13):
I think this is my hypothesis.
I think a lot of guys get itfor like the first six months
they get it.
They're like, oh, that they thebaby needs all this time.
But then six months happens andthey're like wait a minute,
where's where?
Where do I fit?
Kate Aldrich (30:29):
now yeah.
Right, and so six to 12 months,then they're like but me.
And I know that's so selfish.
Brad Aldrich (30:40):
But me.
Kate Aldrich (30:40):
Because your wife is over there saying but me, I
haven't showered in three weeksExactly.
I know.
Brad Aldrich (30:47):
But that's what's happening, and then what that
does is reinforce this.
I get worth from work, so I'mgoing to use that self-care
because I feel crappy at home.
I don't feel like I'm worthyhere.
I'm not feel like I'm neededhere so I'm going to get that
worth from work, although itdoesn't actually fill that need
right and can lead to a wholelot of other things oh yeah but
(31:10):
and I I think that we eventuallygot, when the kids were a
little bit older, more likeelementary school.
Kate Aldrich (31:16):
I was much better, because that would have been
when our marriage really shifted, because that was 2010 and the
kids were born and entered allbefore that.
So, like so, I I did get betterwith that.
So I think that's a very uniquetime and does need talked about
.
But I think also, just as itcan continue for a mom to kind
(31:40):
of feel sucked in by being a mom, it can kind of feel like that
self-care really, really helpedand you just keep being a
workaholic and that's not alwaysthe case per se, but I do think
it's worth mentioning that itdefinitely impacts it.
But again, it's looking at whatis work giving me, that I need
(32:03):
right and right.
What is it affirming in you?
It's not bad to have that, butif that is what you are
constantly the button you areconstantly trying to push and
get the affirmation from, thatis recreating something Right,
it's feeding something, and thatis going to just like any other
(32:27):
of these coping strategies,it's eventually going to break
down and it's going to drivewedges between you, you and
yourself, and you and otherpeople.
Um, that's not to just comedown hard on workaholic, but
same with social media.
How many times do we hear?
I just wish they'd put thephone down for a while.
Brad Aldrich (32:45):
Oh my gosh yeah.
Kate Aldrich (32:46):
Right, or I wish they we don't hear the TV as
much.
But I do think the bingewatching can very much.
Brad Aldrich (32:53):
For sure.
Kate Aldrich (32:55):
We can get the same response, and so it really
is.
In all of these, I hope we'reopening up a space for people to
be curious and, part of it,even some on the list that we
need to talk about.
Like, it's hard because I knowthere are things that I can
struggle with, and it's hard tobe curious because we just feel
(33:17):
shame and contempt for ourselves, and, oh, I just wish I didn't
do that.
I wish it wasn't a struggle.
Brad Aldrich (33:24):
So, as we're ending this part two, maybe
we'll do a part three, but Iwant everyone to kind of be
thinking of what is my go-to,what are the things that I'm
going to as self-care, and arethey working?
And so we've talked about food,we've talked about porn, we've
talked about overwork, we'vetalked about scrolling and binge
(33:47):
watching.
There's also things likeshopping.
Right, that can be that escapewe can use.
One of the ones that I lovethat we came up with is using
spirituality as an avoidance ofpain.
Right, oh, god will take careof that, so I don't need to
(34:08):
worry about it.
Kate Aldrich (34:09):
It'll work out.
God is with me.
Brad Aldrich (34:11):
Yep, god will handle it as a shutdown of like
any of this.
Well, it must be God's will.
So like and just like that thatkind of stuff.
You know, dealing sometimeslike this is a hard one.
We talk about healthyboundaries in relationships, but
sometimes boundaries are reallya wall to keep people out as
(34:34):
self-care.
That isn't really self-care.
Yeah and sometimes it is, andsometimes it is.
It's so hard.
Kate Aldrich (34:41):
And even I hear you listing these things and I
definitely think we need to talkabout some more of them.
But we've heard people come tous with very nuanced things.
Right, you don't always Alcoholcan be like.
Brad Aldrich (34:53):
Alcohol can be.
Kate Aldrich (34:54):
Obviously Drugs can be we named those, but I
remember some people and wouldnever say anything where
hopefully we could identifypeople by any means.
But like gardening and takingcare of the yard, yeah, it's
good self-care, but it was allthe person was doing in their
(35:14):
free time, right, and I think.
I think brad kind of grew upwith similar, I mean.
And again, not a bad thing, butit is if your, your connections
and your people are not rightif it's becoming avoidant um, I
think it can go into cleaninganything.
I know someone running runningyeah, right, like, and again, I
(35:36):
want to keep these genericenough that you can see, oh, but
I don't fit into anything.
Brad and kate have suggested,you know, and you said, shopping
, which I will admit that'sdefinitely been a challenge for
me.
But there's also the hoardingof your money feels really,
really good, and it feelscontrol, and it feels like
(35:58):
gambling.
Brad Aldrich (35:58):
Gambling is another one, that's definitely
not hoarding your money but,anyways, like right.
Kate Aldrich (36:03):
I just want you guys to remember if you're
sitting here thinking I don'tfit into any of those, what do
you do?
That is either consuming yourtime or you even consider
self-care that you mightsometimes take too far.
Crafting it can be a great one,but like it can go too far.
Brad Aldrich (36:26):
So I'm going to bring this back around to where
we started in our first podcast.
Kate Aldrich (36:30):
He's always doing that.
Brad Aldrich (36:31):
I'm going to bring this back around to where we
started in our first podcast.
He's always doing that.
This is, you know, the arousaltemplate and connected to our
trauma is something that JayStringer talks about, and, in
fact, one of the things that hesays I love is when that
temptation to do, I'll say, thisactivity, any activity, comes
up instead of just indulging init.
(36:54):
Do this idea of inviting itonto the porch and asking it why
it's here right now.
Why do I need this right now?
Kate Aldrich (37:03):
Right.
And also instead of trying towhite knuckle and ignore it.
Brad Aldrich (37:08):
Right, we don't.
We don't just white knuckle andignore it because it's not
helpful.
Kate Aldrich (37:12):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (37:12):
But it might be inviting you into real self-care
.
Yeah, it might be telling youat that point I'm trying to
distract myself, which could beokay, right, like, but I think
there's a place where, if we caninvite these fake self-cares
imitation self-cares onto theporch and go, why are you here
(37:35):
right now?
I think there's a lot we canlearn for ourselves and for our
relationship Kindness andgentleness.
Kate Aldrich (37:41):
Why do I need you right now?
Brad Aldrich (37:42):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (37:42):
Like just yeah, yeah, I think that's good.
Brad Aldrich (37:45):
So that's where we encourage you to have some more
conversations with your spouseabout what these are for right
now, in any of them, becauseit's not about bringing shame to
these things.
It's actually about seeing themas self-care and going how do
we do it better?
Kate Aldrich (38:04):
Yeah, I agree.
Brad Aldrich (38:06):
Maybe we need to have a follow-up episode on what
real self-care looks like.
Kate Aldrich (38:10):
A follow-up on the follow-up.
On the follow-up.
Brad Aldrich (38:12):
It's going to be great.
Kate Aldrich (38:13):
It's going to be great.
Brad Aldrich (38:14):
We will definitely be keeping talking about things
that bring us towards eachother and things that pull us
away, and that's part of ourheart as we keep walking down
this path of what it means tostill become one together.
So until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (38:34):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (38:40):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(39:03):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Welcome back.
We are so glad to be here.
That sounded like welcome back,Cotter.
Kate Aldrich (00:42):
What's welcome back, Cotter, oh see, I'm older
than you.
Brad Aldrich (00:45):
I used to watch reruns, Babe you're 17 months
older than me.
Kate Aldrich (00:50):
Like let's not make it sound like you're like
seven.
Brad Aldrich (00:54):
Welcome back.
There are people on this showwho have no idea what I'm
talking about, and there aresome that loved that old TV show
.
Kate Aldrich (01:02):
Both of us grew up only two miles from each other
for most of our childhood atleast, Brad, third grade on in
my whole life and we had thesame crappy TV coverage because
neither of our parents wouldever pay for cable and I lived
out where you couldn't get cable, until I graduated college.
Brad Aldrich (01:23):
It was John Travolta's first TV show I never
, I've never.
Kate Aldrich (01:27):
I do not know what you're talking about.
Brad Aldrich (01:29):
Yeah, so it was from 1975.
So I only watched it on reruns.
Kate Aldrich (01:33):
This is often what we do.
What channel was it on 57?
I have no idea.
But it wasn't like the mainchannels, right.
Brad Aldrich (01:40):
It ran from 75 to 79.
So I only saw it.
It was a school-based.
Kate Aldrich (01:47):
You watched it after school.
Brad Aldrich (01:49):
Yeah, it was definitely after school.
Kate Aldrich (01:51):
Okay.
Brad Aldrich (01:51):
But it was a teacher and he was teaching the
rough kids and it was reallyfunny, so it's like the first
Saved by the Bell.
Yeah, kind of Kind of.
I mean, there's probably someelements of that, yeah, anyway,
okay, okay, just the way yousaid welcome back made me think
of it.
So some of you are like I haveno idea what we're talking about
and some of you just went downmemory lane with me, so there
(02:15):
you go like we literally had, Ithink, five tv channels right
yeah, now you're making us justsound and and we had to get up
and change the channel.
Kate Aldrich (02:26):
My kids are all like what it's like.
Yeah, guys, I mean later inteen years we had remotes, but
not as kids.
Brad Aldrich (02:33):
No, it was fun times guys.
This actually transitionedperfectly well into our
continuation.
Kate Aldrich (02:41):
Are we talking about TV?
Brad Aldrich (02:43):
Well we are.
We're going to talk about someof TV because we're talking
about imitation, self-care andhow that is impacting our
marriages.
Kate Aldrich (02:54):
I'm sorry, I've got to be honest.
Every time I hear this phrase,I think of imitation crab meat.
Brad Aldrich (03:00):
Well it's, and I do want to know how many have
that coping strategy ofimitation crab meat.
Kate Aldrich (03:07):
Okay, it's pretty similar.
Brad Aldrich (03:09):
Like it's there and it's okay, but it's not
great and it really doesn't meetthe goal of crab meat right.
Kate Aldrich (03:17):
I remember when we were dating and your family
loved it.
Brad Aldrich (03:20):
They did.
Kate Aldrich (03:21):
And they made a really yummy salad with it and
and I was just like wow, wheredid you get like crab meat
that's so like plentiful,because I remember picking crab
meat out of crabs growing up andI'm like this is like, this is
insane, like you get like a golfball size of meat and anyways,
and he's like well, it, it'simitation and I was like what?
Brad Aldrich (03:44):
is it then?
Kate Aldrich (03:47):
Like I was like, if it's not crab what is?
It.
So, anyways, imitation crabmeat.
Brad Aldrich (03:53):
All right, no imitation self-care Okay Right,
and we're saying the reason thatwe're talking about this and
the reason I think it's such animportant topic is because these
are things that we go to in ourmarriage that aren't horrible,
but they actually don't give usthe connection or the care that
(04:15):
we're seeking.
Kate Aldrich (04:16):
Right and, as we said, they're often we said last
podcast they're oftenrecreating the trauma or trying
to reverse it or fix it in someway, like it's often addressing
directly what's happened to you,even though it doesn't seem
that way logically yes so whichone are we talking?
Brad Aldrich (04:36):
about.
So we're talking about a couple.
Um, we're going to talk aboutsome of the mental escapes.
Last time we talked about sexand food, or porn and food and
some of those kind of thingsthis time I wanted to talk, at
least start talking about, likesome of the mental escapes that
we do.
Kate Aldrich (04:54):
Well, that was mine was kind of in that, though
, when I shared my story.
Brad Aldrich (04:57):
Yeah, that's right Part of it was definitely
mental.
I think now today, the two mostcommon I think now today, the
two most common arebinge-watching and mindless
social media scrolling.
Kate Aldrich (05:10):
And you're right, our TV really does bring up this
subject, because there was nobinge-watching, nothing.
Brad Aldrich (05:15):
No, no, in the past there wasn't, but now
that's what everyone does.
Kate Aldrich (05:21):
You had one show, guys, and you had to wait a
whole week for another show andthen, when you got to the season
being done on a cliffhanger,you had to wait like five months
for it to continue.
Brad Aldrich (05:31):
This says something about one of our sons,
but I remember introducing MASHto one of our kids who is just
that type, and I loved MASHgrowing up.
It was so wonderful and Iremember going through the
episodes with him over time andgoing at one point going oh, I
don't think I ever saw thisepisode and he was like what do
(05:51):
you mean?
Kate Aldrich (05:52):
I'm like well, that's just not how episodes
worked back then we had a TVguide and sometimes we were
doing something else and youcouldn't watch your favorite
show.
Okay, so binge watching.
So are you saying the bingewatching and scrolling are wrong
?
Brad Aldrich (06:10):
It's not necessarily wrong, but I think
there is a place where sometimesthey are avoiding real life
stresses and it is a way toavoid connection or overwhelm,
to avoid each other.
Kate Aldrich (06:31):
Mm-hmm.
Well, and here's the challenge,with a lot of things we're
going to talk about I think wesaid this last time, but if we
didn't, some things really haveno value ever, such as, sadly,
pornography, drugs, people whohave an alcohol addiction.
There are some things that youcan't dabble in and they're okay
(06:54):
, yeah, right, and that's not tojudge those things.
They were really helpful forthat person, as we said, who
knows what their life would looklike without them, but they do
only bring a destructive patternfor that person.
Um because some people can drinkalcohol and it's fine Drugs, I
think have its own discussion,but anyways, just remembering
(07:17):
that.
But a lot of what we're goingto talk about food binge
watching, like um scrolling onsocial media everybody does that
, or not everybody, most people.
It doesn't mean you can't everdo it it's just.
Brad Aldrich (07:32):
What role does it play and when is it coming out
and when is it happening?
Kate Aldrich (07:36):
and are you actually cognizant?
Yeah right, because self-careis choosing to go to something,
choosing to spend a amount oftime with it and coming out of
it feeling better or rested orlike a breath of fresh air, I'm
ready to do something Right.
Brad Aldrich (07:53):
And so many times these imitation self-care are
the opposite.
We end up, out of them, feelingworse.
Like the imitation crab meatfeeling worse, like the
imitation crab meat just kidding, no, but I think that's that's
a good sign that maybe ourself-care wasn't that healthy is
.
Kate Aldrich (08:12):
Yeah, after consuming it we feel worse, more
tired or more tired, drainedmore depressed, more like
physically, like you just don'tfeel and, and I want to add,
when you do something good, itdoesn't.
We don't want to paint theimpression that the world is all
(08:35):
flowers and roses when we sayyou feel a little better, a
breath of fresh air.
Brad Aldrich (08:39):
No, you feel that little you feel that notch up of
better right right, not 20.
Kate Aldrich (08:44):
20 notches.
That's not how it works, butthat's often what people
perceive in their brain and thenthey get discouraged because
they aren't 20 notches up.
So maybe I wasn't actuallydoing something good for me, and
so remember, it's like a notch,it's like, okay, I feel a
little bit better, so yeah.
Brad Aldrich (09:04):
I think and here's some of the difference, right,
I can remember oh I don't know acouple months ago I was just
having a rough week and having arough time and I did take a
weekend and binge watch thefirst two extended release
episodes of the Lord of theRings?
(09:25):
Yes, Right, and I still haven'tgotten to episode three.
I need to watch that one Bummer.
But like there's a place forthis and that's why I want to
like go on both sides.
There's a place of like.
I just need a mental escape.
And it's going to be a time andit's going to be like a place,
and so I don't want to totallysay this is horrible, because I
(09:50):
think it's okay, even as acouple, to go.
Oh my gosh, it's been a lot.
let's just sit down and watch ashow together, let's just like
it's okay but, I think there'sso many times where things like
binge watching are really moreabout avoiding and running away
from and not wanting to thinkand not wanting to engage, and
(10:14):
they're not actually helpingright, yeah, so what do you
think?
Kate Aldrich (10:19):
like, I also think there's thoughts on content oh
right, sure I think what we tendto go to gives gives us some
clues to some things.
Right, curiosities, it's notagain we're not judging, we're
not like oh you, curiosities,it's not again, we're not
judging, we're not like oh, youwant to watch that.
Like it's not like that.
And there shouldn't be contemptand I know you and I spent
(10:41):
years being contemptuous forwhat the other one wanted to go
to, because I think we saw it asa comparison.
Well, we tend to do opposite.
What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich (10:51):
You tend to go to comfort shows Okay Shows that
show.
Kate Aldrich (10:58):
Okay, well, we're not talking about the most
recent years, though, right.
Brad Aldrich (11:02):
No.
Kate Aldrich (11:02):
Because that has changed.
I have been very clear with theamount of tension, trauma in
our home, I can't watch anythingangsty, Right Like that stuff
is just.
It actually just gets my bodygoing and I'm like nope.
Brad Aldrich (11:16):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (11:16):
But you mean like earlier.
Brad Aldrich (11:18):
Yeah, I think even earlier you went to things that
were comfort for you in one wayor another.
Good endings, right.
Kate Aldrich (11:28):
Fun shows, laughter, I mean.
I think I'm still like that.
Brad Aldrich (11:32):
Yeah, you are.
Kate Aldrich (11:34):
But I used to love historical stuff because I love
studying history with you.
That's actually a commonalitywe have.
So we'd watch lots of war ones,that kind of stuff that didn't
always obviously end well.
Brad Aldrich (11:46):
I tend to do the more and this is a theme and it
is something I've I've beenaware of, of I tend to do more
of the angsty, uh, drama andsometimes that place of, yes,
psychological thrillers, thatkind of thing that is like oh
(12:09):
man, I'm not as messed up asthey are, like that's part of
the draw, almost Like you watch.
Okay, I'm just going to throwout this show that you know I
like to watch sometimes of likehoarders, right, I find it
fascinating and the psychologyof it I find fascinating.
But there is a reason that showis popular because it's like oh
(12:32):
well, I'm not as bad as that,like yeah, unfortunately it
makes me sad for them, of course.
Kate Aldrich (12:38):
We're then getting entertainment off of someone's.
Brad Aldrich (12:41):
I mean hoarders is huge trauma like you want to
talk about enormous trauma rightlike this, just the way to deal
with it.
Kate Aldrich (12:50):
So I think like, yeah, I mean, I don't mind
watching some of those thingswith you.
Um, I'm not a huge, I've neverbeen a huge reality tv, and I
kind of put that in the genrebecause the people are current
telling you their story yeahlike that kind of stuff, but
anyways, but I think one of theyeah, I mean we're're sitting
here doing a podcast.
Brad Aldrich (13:11):
We need to pull that in.
Like one of the most popularforms of podcasts are like
murder mysteries.
Kate Aldrich (13:20):
I don't get that.
Brad Aldrich (13:21):
Well, and what I have heard, there's some
research that says the mostcommon people to listen to them
are single women, and it isalmost like a cautionary tale of
like what are the things that Ineed to be aware of to be safe?
I suppose right, and in someways also like well, man, my
(13:45):
life's not as messed up as thatkind of thing.
Kate Aldrich (13:48):
Just for clarity's sake, is a murder mystery
podcast just like reading amurder mystery book?
Brad Aldrich (13:52):
No, often it's like real life going through
real life cases where thishappened and that kind of stuff.
Yeah, and trying to figure outwhodunit.
You know those kind of.
So there's a mystery part to itof like we don't know who did
it.
But I have listened to some butbecause I love the psychology
(14:14):
of some of that, you likefiguring out mysteries?
Kate Aldrich (14:17):
I don't.
Oh my gosh yeah.
Brad Aldrich (14:18):
Yeah, but that's the thing we can look at.
Why are we going to thiscontent?
Kate Aldrich (14:26):
Right Back to the original point.
Right, the original point here.
Brad Aldrich (14:30):
What is it that we're doing?
Kate Aldrich (14:32):
That draws me to this.
Brad Aldrich (14:33):
To this.
Kate Aldrich (14:34):
Well, and do you think those types of things?
You called mine comfort.
I think that's interesting.
I guess there's comfort in thatthere's no angst.
It's mostly, you know, happyendings kind of things.
I do not watch just romance byany means.
I like series that don't.
I mean, usually that's a partof life, but do you think that
(14:58):
there's the angsty ones?
People want to keep their bodyon humming.
Brad Aldrich (15:05):
Yeah, I think there's a part where we're used
to the cortisol level, we'reused to the stress level, and so
we're watching something.
That is that.
In fact, you know, there's beensome interesting articles I've
seen recently about like hey, ifwe're going to serious drama to
relax, we need to look at why,because I think it's saying
(15:28):
something about our overallstress level.
Kate Aldrich (15:31):
That is probably not a healthy thing, because
we're going to.
Brad Aldrich (15:35):
Hey, this stress is out there.
It's not me anymore.
Kate Aldrich (15:39):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (15:39):
It's not my stress , it's now their stress, but I'm
still stressed, Right Kind ofthing.
So I think that's something tolook at.
And this was me for a reallylong time.
Was I had to constantly havesomething a podcast news,
(16:01):
something on to drown outinternal thoughts, Because if I
didn't have something on, I'd bethinking and I didn't want to
be thinking when was that?
Kate Aldrich (16:09):
I don't remember that Because you're the one who
often it must be when you and Iwere not interacting.
Yeah, because when you and Iare interacting you do not like
anything else on.
It is very distracting for you,whereas me I can have music on.
I don't watch a lot of TV, butit could be on in the background
and not bug me.
So it must have been when weweren't.
Brad Aldrich (16:28):
When we weren't doing as well, for sure, well,
no, but we also weren't when weweren't doing as well for sure?
Kate Aldrich (16:31):
Well, no, but we also weren't in each other's
presence, is what I mean.
Brad Aldrich (16:34):
Yeah, because and I think there's some truth there
of like, if I was in the car, Iwas had something going, if I
like, I'm guilty of that forsure in the car.
And again, I don't mean this isalways a horrible thing, but
(16:57):
again, why?
What is it?
Is it?
And I think there was a placefor me of I didn't want to think
, yeah, so I'm going to usesomething to avoid it as this
imitation self-care, because ifI think things get negative,
things get ugly, things, youknow kind of which is why so
many people in america havesleep issues.
Kate Aldrich (17:08):
Right, because that's when and think about it.
Our kids show us that whenthey're little.
When do they come to you andwant to talk about or want to
trick mom and dad into nothaving?
to go to bed right, becausethat's the time there's nothing
else for them to do, and thethoughts come in, and we're no
different yeah so like I thinkthat shows how much we often try
(17:32):
to keep ourselves from thinkingit's a very normal thing, yeah,
and I think it absolute tvaddict for a long time in my
life and I still enjoy it, butit's become much less because
(18:04):
I've recognized um.
Brad Aldrich (18:07):
You know how I used it to escape yeah and
dealing with the fact of why doI want to escape, helped me to
go.
Okay, I don't need to as muchSure, and that's kind of the
idea of all of these is why arewe using it this?
Kate Aldrich (18:24):
way, and I know with like scrolling because I
want to make sure we talk aboutthat a little bit.
Like you and I tend to allowourselves to scroll a little bit
at the end of the night,because I don't get on anything
mostly through the day, and so Iknow, though, what helps me
most to fall asleep.
(18:45):
Well, part of my sleep routineis to read, and yes, I do not
read angsty things, I don't, Ijust don't because they don't
help.
So I read something bland andblah, but I read for at least 10
minutes every night, and thething I recognize is, if I'm
scrolling, so usually I'llscroll for like five or 10
minutes, and then I read, and ifI notice that a couple of
(19:08):
nights in a row, I'm not reading, I'm just putting my phone down
and going to bed.
I'm like, nope, this is takingover a space that it shouldn't
be.
I have told Brad repeatedlywhen I do that I don't sleep
well, even though I felt tiredbefore I put my phone away.
Like the reading is just sodifferent in how it helps my
(19:29):
brain.
Now reading can be a thing too,like what are you going to?
How long you stay in there?
But overall, reading is a muchbetter coping strategy for
people.
Oh yeah, but there are things.
People can be addicted toreading, but it does take effort
, so it's a little less likely.
Brad Aldrich (19:50):
I think then it's more the topic that we're
reading and and what thematerial is, then it is
necessarily the action right, ofcourse kind of thing, because,
yes, there is absolutelyescapism in reading yeah, yeah
and it can be unhealthy.
Kate Aldrich (20:08):
It can be getting sucked into a really good book.
That's a good, that's not a badthing, right, but anyway.
So, like I think, withscrolling it's like, how long do
I spend there?
The other thing I try to remindmyself with Brad or the kids,
if I'm choosing scrolling over aconversation like that says
(20:28):
something like it's feedingsomething to me, right then.
And if I have that little bitof annoyance that my kid is now
interrupting me, it's feedingsomething to me, right then.
And if I have that little bitof annoyance that my kid is now
interrupting me, it's like, oh,you need to put.
And I try then to turn it off,right then, and put it down yeah
and even say I'm sorry I wasn'tlistening very well, or
something like that.
Yeah, but scrolling, I think, isone of those ones that's very
(20:49):
um.
It's at our fingertips, so it'shard for people to recognize it
.
Brad Aldrich (20:54):
Yeah, I mean, I've put this is just me.
I've put a like use the timerthing on my scrolling so that
when it's like my phone goes,you have been on it for an hour,
which doesn't happen every day,but every once in a while I'll
hit that hour mark and I'm like,oh crap, okay, I just need to
not do this.
Kate Aldrich (21:13):
Have you tried the brick yet?
Brad Aldrich (21:15):
I have not.
Kate Aldrich (21:15):
It's sitting here.
Brad Aldrich (21:16):
I haven't haven't played with it, so I did get
yeah, get get a brick, and Ithought I'm going to play around
with it, yeah, and see if thatwas that was helpful Cause I was
curious what that?
Kate Aldrich (21:27):
if it felt helpful .
If it felt helpful, if it felt,because you know it's an
interesting concept of somethingto kind of help you be aware um
, and help you sometimes havethat I'll set it up and tell the
podcast.
Brad Aldrich (21:43):
Is it?
Is it a marriage helpful umdevice at some point?
If it's?
Kate Aldrich (21:47):
personally helpful .
It's going to be helpful toyour marriage.
Yeah that's what we need toremember, because, yeah, but and
some people will often, I think, when we often meet with
couples, well, is it okay if wewatch shows together?
Sure, but if we're talkingabout connection, that like it
(22:08):
can be, but if that's the onlyway you can connect, I mean, I
suppose it's better than nothing, but it's it it is.
Brad Aldrich (22:15):
It is better than nothing.
I mean, I have a.
I've talked to a lot of couples.
It's like he's got her shows,she's got his shows and they
separate and don't even do that.
And that's okay that thathappens with us too sometimes
yeah but we prioritize whenwe're going to watch tv together
, of finding something for ustogether and that's not a bad
(22:36):
thing yeah, yeah.
So yeah, these, these forms ofimitation self care are tricky
because they sometimes can beself-care yeah, yeah, and that's
exactly right, and we need torecognize when it is and when it
isn't.
Kate Aldrich (22:53):
Yep.
Brad Aldrich (22:54):
And when it's pulling us apart, I'm going to
flip the script almost 180degrees in another one.
Kate Aldrich (23:02):
Oh boy.
Brad Aldrich (23:03):
Of overworking.
Kate Aldrich (23:06):
Oh.
Brad Aldrich (23:07):
Or workaholism, if we want to put it in that form,
where we are working todistract ourselves from other
things.
We're working to deal withemotional pain, including
feeling connected, worthy,respected, like in that form
(23:28):
place because we don't in others.
Kate Aldrich (23:31):
Yeah, I don't think I've ever been a
workaholic, so I don't say thatin a judgmental way.
I mean, sometimes I can feelstressed and I feel the need to
keep myself busy, whether it'swith and I'm still in a role in
our ministry where I'm part-timeso that I can be part-time mom,
(23:54):
take care of the householdthings.
Brad Aldrich (23:56):
You are full-time mom, part-time working.
Kate Aldrich (24:00):
Well, but they're not here during school.
So I kind of figure I am stillmom but I'm not actually
actively doing anything.
I didn't mean that that waything, I didn't mean that that
way, but like, and Brad isalways super great with helping
out on the stuff around thehouse, but he is working
full-time running our ministryand our coaching network.
So I have the like uniqueperspective and, yes, I've had
(24:23):
full-time jobs, but I don't everfeel like I was quite of a
workaholic.
I think if I was ever towardsthat direction, it was because I
always wanted to make sure Iwas doing my best so that that
fit into my narrative and mystory.
So I don't struggle with this,other than when I feel anxious
(24:44):
at home, I tend to then startcleaning all the things.
Brad Aldrich (24:48):
So you're going to have to talk about this one
okay, I I do think you knowmaybe there's more men that that
wrestle with this.
I I sure there are women thatdo.
Yeah, I don't know I don't knownow that more women are working
full-time, like if that, if thatstill fits that I think the
challenge is when men arefeeling honored, respected,
(25:14):
important, worthy in their joband it doesn't even have to be
direct, it's like oh yeah, okay,I did that well, so I feel good
about it.
And, um, sometimes it's moneyrelated, sometimes it's just
just you know the boss or yousaying, yeah, you did a good job
.
Like that then becomes thisstriving for I want more of that
(25:41):
.
So then I'm going to focus onthat as a way of taking care of
myself, of saying I have value,of saying I have worthy.
I'm going to throw all of thesehours into that work and that
probably for most people, fixesa narrative.
Oh, absolutely it does.
Kate Aldrich (26:01):
Do you?
I do just have a question,though Do you now like sit in
here in your office and saythose things to yourself?
Brad Aldrich (26:07):
I have value.
Because you're the boss I meanno, there are external things
turn on your zoom and look atyourself and be like you did so
well today I mean I?
I will kind of out myself.
There are other metrics that Iuse.
(26:27):
Oh gotcha, do that.
Kate Aldrich (26:30):
I was like wait a second.
I'm very curious now.
It's not me saying it to myself, it's like oh, how many
sessions do we have this month?
Brad Aldrich (26:41):
Those kind of things do start to go.
Okay, I have value.
It's so easy to fall down thatslope, Gotcha.
Kate Aldrich (26:49):
Like it's so easy to fall down that slope, Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich (26:51):
And I think for us it's something you and I have
done for a very long time oftalking about that stuff.
Right From the point when I wasthe director of a counseling
center to you know, there wereplaces that we would talk about
the stresses and the positivesat work, and so for us I think
(27:17):
that always was something thatwe could jump into together.
But I see so many guys thatdon't have that affirmation at
home of how hard they've beenworking, of the things that
they're doing, the value thatthey're bringing, and so then it
(27:38):
just reinforces this place of Ihave to work really, really
hard because then I don't feelthe emotional pain of not being
worthy.
Kate Aldrich (27:48):
Something to keep in mind for sure, and I realize,
with these subjects, like we'rekind of getting off on other
things we've already talkedabout.
On these subjects, I, I 100%feel like you work so hard, like
you are constantly working andwork so hard for our family and
always have.
I think I hear the mainstruggle and I realized this is
(28:10):
kind of going off the topic alittle bit that we deal with is
when, if you choose to havesmall children, that is the time
the husband doesn't feelaffirmed and the wife is
exhausted.
It's just a recipe for everyonefeeling like a lot crap and
we'll just use that word, and sothat is the time I feel like
(28:31):
and I would admit I don't knowthat I did a great job then in
affirming you.
Brad Aldrich (28:38):
I think you nailed it.
It is a time that I see thebiggest strain in some of this
stuff.
And it's a double-edged swordbecause usually for guys at that
age, where little ones arecoming in, they are in in their
(28:59):
career paths, often in thisplace, where it's like, okay,
I've got to work really hard toget to that next level, like
they're in that space wherethings are growing, where
they're trying to figure outtheir path, and I mean I
certainly was.
It was like, okay, if I just doa little bit more here, I'm
going to get this.
And so they're getting all ofthis affirmation from work often
(29:22):
, and it is a natural.
I want to say this it is anatural thing but you go from a
couple of two, a couple, andwhere a lot of care and
affirmation is going between thetwo of you, to adding that
(29:43):
third and so much of that careand affirmation then goes to the
third.
And that is natural.
It's normal.
It needs to happen.
I'm not saying that your wivesare doing or moms are doing a
bad thing in that.
But so often I hear guys withinfants with six or seven month
(30:04):
olds.
It seems to happen in thatspace.
Kate Aldrich (30:06):
You're gonna see six or seven children, six or
seven like it's I don't knowwhat to tell you then.
Actually, I.
Brad Aldrich (30:13):
I think this is my hypothesis.
I think a lot of guys get itfor like the first six months
they get it.
They're like, oh, that they thebaby needs all this time.
But then six months happens andthey're like wait a minute,
where's where?
Where do I fit?
Kate Aldrich (30:29):
now yeah.
Right, and so six to 12 months,then they're like but me.
And I know that's so selfish.
Brad Aldrich (30:40):
But me.
Kate Aldrich (30:40):
Because your wife is over there saying but me, I
haven't showered in three weeksExactly.
I know.
Brad Aldrich (30:47):
But that's what's happening, and then what that
does is reinforce this.
I get worth from work, so I'mgoing to use that self-care
because I feel crappy at home.
I don't feel like I'm worthyhere.
I'm not feel like I'm neededhere so I'm going to get that
worth from work, although itdoesn't actually fill that need
right and can lead to a wholelot of other things oh yeah but
(31:10):
and I I think that we eventuallygot, when the kids were a
little bit older, more likeelementary school.
Kate Aldrich (31:16):
I was much better, because that would have been
when our marriage really shifted, because that was 2010 and the
kids were born and entered allbefore that.
So, like so, I I did get betterwith that.
So I think that's a very uniquetime and does need talked about
.
But I think also, just as itcan continue for a mom to kind
(31:40):
of feel sucked in by being a mom, it can kind of feel like that
self-care really, really helpedand you just keep being a
workaholic and that's not alwaysthe case per se, but I do think
it's worth mentioning that itdefinitely impacts it.
But again, it's looking at whatis work giving me, that I need
(32:03):
right and right.
What is it affirming in you?
It's not bad to have that, butif that is what you are
constantly the button you areconstantly trying to push and
get the affirmation from, thatis recreating something Right,
it's feeding something, and thatis going to just like any other
(32:27):
of these coping strategies,it's eventually going to break
down and it's going to drivewedges between you, you and
yourself, and you and otherpeople.
Um, that's not to just comedown hard on workaholic, but
same with social media.
How many times do we hear?
I just wish they'd put thephone down for a while.
Brad Aldrich (32:45):
Oh my gosh yeah.
Kate Aldrich (32:46):
Right, or I wish they we don't hear the TV as
much.
But I do think the bingewatching can very much.
Brad Aldrich (32:53):
For sure.
Kate Aldrich (32:55):
We can get the same response, and so it really
is.
In all of these, I hope we'reopening up a space for people to
be curious and, part of it,even some on the list that we
need to talk about.
Like, it's hard because I knowthere are things that I can
struggle with, and it's hard tobe curious because we just feel
(33:17):
shame and contempt for ourselves, and, oh, I just wish I didn't
do that.
I wish it wasn't a struggle.
Brad Aldrich (33:24):
So, as we're ending this part two, maybe
we'll do a part three, but Iwant everyone to kind of be
thinking of what is my go-to,what are the things that I'm
going to as self-care, and arethey working?
And so we've talked about food,we've talked about porn, we've
talked about overwork, we'vetalked about scrolling and binge
(33:47):
watching.
There's also things likeshopping.
Right, that can be that escapewe can use.
One of the ones that I lovethat we came up with is using
spirituality as an avoidance ofpain.
Right, oh, god will take careof that, so I don't need to
(34:08):
worry about it.
Kate Aldrich (34:09):
It'll work out.
God is with me.
Brad Aldrich (34:11):
Yep, god will handle it as a shutdown of like
any of this.
Well, it must be God's will.
So like and just like that thatkind of stuff.
You know, dealing sometimeslike this is a hard one.
We talk about healthyboundaries in relationships, but
sometimes boundaries are reallya wall to keep people out as
(34:34):
self-care.
That isn't really self-care.
Yeah and sometimes it is, andsometimes it is.
It's so hard.
Kate Aldrich (34:41):
And even I hear you listing these things and I
definitely think we need to talkabout some more of them.
But we've heard people come tous with very nuanced things.
Right, you don't always Alcoholcan be like.
Brad Aldrich (34:53):
Alcohol can be.
Kate Aldrich (34:54):
Obviously Drugs can be we named those, but I
remember some people and wouldnever say anything where
hopefully we could identifypeople by any means.
But like gardening and takingcare of the yard, yeah, it's
good self-care, but it was allthe person was doing in their
(35:14):
free time, right, and I think.
I think brad kind of grew upwith similar, I mean.
And again, not a bad thing, butit is if your, your connections
and your people are not rightif it's becoming avoidant um, I
think it can go into cleaninganything.
I know someone running runningyeah, right, like, and again, I
(35:36):
want to keep these genericenough that you can see, oh, but
I don't fit into anything.
Brad and kate have suggested,you know, and you said, shopping
, which I will admit that'sdefinitely been a challenge for
me.
But there's also the hoardingof your money feels really,
really good, and it feelscontrol, and it feels like
(35:58):
gambling.
Brad Aldrich (35:58):
Gambling is another one, that's definitely
not hoarding your money but,anyways, like right.
Kate Aldrich (36:03):
I just want you guys to remember if you're
sitting here thinking I don'tfit into any of those, what do
you do?
That is either consuming yourtime or you even consider
self-care that you mightsometimes take too far.
Crafting it can be a great one,but like it can go too far.
Brad Aldrich (36:26):
So I'm going to bring this back around to where
we started in our first podcast.
Kate Aldrich (36:30):
He's always doing that.
Brad Aldrich (36:31):
I'm going to bring this back around to where we
started in our first podcast.
He's always doing that.
This is, you know, the arousaltemplate and connected to our
trauma is something that JayStringer talks about, and, in
fact, one of the things that hesays I love is when that
temptation to do, I'll say, thisactivity, any activity, comes
up instead of just indulging init.
(36:54):
Do this idea of inviting itonto the porch and asking it why
it's here right now.
Why do I need this right now?
Kate Aldrich (37:03):
Right.
And also instead of trying towhite knuckle and ignore it.
Brad Aldrich (37:08):
Right, we don't.
We don't just white knuckle andignore it because it's not
helpful.
Kate Aldrich (37:12):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (37:12):
But it might be inviting you into real self-care
.
Yeah, it might be telling youat that point I'm trying to
distract myself, which could beokay, right, like, but I think
there's a place where, if we caninvite these fake self-cares
imitation self-cares onto theporch and go, why are you here
(37:35):
right now?
I think there's a lot we canlearn for ourselves and for our
relationship Kindness andgentleness.
Kate Aldrich (37:41):
Why do I need you right now?
Brad Aldrich (37:42):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (37:42):
Like just yeah, yeah, I think that's good.
Brad Aldrich (37:45):
So that's where we encourage you to have some more
conversations with your spouseabout what these are for right
now, in any of them, becauseit's not about bringing shame to
these things.
It's actually about seeing themas self-care and going how do
we do it better?
Kate Aldrich (38:04):
Yeah, I agree.
Brad Aldrich (38:06):
Maybe we need to have a follow-up episode on what
real self-care looks like.
Kate Aldrich (38:10):
A follow-up on the follow-up.
On the follow-up.
Brad Aldrich (38:12):
It's going to be great.
Kate Aldrich (38:13):
It's going to be great.
Brad Aldrich (38:14):
We will definitely be keeping talking about things
that bring us towards eachother and things that pull us
away, and that's part of ourheart as we keep walking down
this path of what it means tostill become one together.
So until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (38:34):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (38:40):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(39:03):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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