May 21, 2025 • 27 mins
Brad and Kate explore how couples can maintain connection during inevitable busy seasons when marriage can't be the top priority. They share personal examples from their May celebrations of their children's graduations and how they've learned to navigate similar challenging periods.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:05):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Welcome back.
Brad Aldrich (00:36):
We are so glad to be with you again and to be
chatting.
It's been a really good busyseason man busy, what does?
That mean really crazy busy.
How about?
That okay, I was like man busyit has been a man, it's been a
busy season yes, may, and may isnot over yet.
(00:59):
And it's going to continue tobe busy.
Kate Aldrich (01:01):
May has been a very busy month for us, but also
really exciting stuffabsolutely good and fun and um,
yeah, and it brought it, gotbrad and I talking and thinking
this morning about, like, whenyou have busy seasons in your
life and it can't be about yourmarriage, your marriage can't be
(01:21):
the focus and the top priority.
Yeah, what do we do?
Brad Aldrich (01:27):
And there's so many like just thinking about
that.
There's so many seasons wherethat happens right.
Like we have friends of oursright now whose teenage son is
really sick, and so all of asudden, everything stops and
becomes about that everythingstops and becomes about that.
We have, you know, family stuffgoing on that all of a sudden
it's like okay, we want to focuson and honor one of our kids
(01:51):
going through graduation stuffand we have two kiddos
graduating this month.
Kate Aldrich (01:58):
Well, one officially next month, yeah,
yeah, yeah, one officially atthe beginning of June.
Brad Aldrich (02:02):
One from college, one from high school.
And so then, it's like thisplace of wanting to try and stop
and honor and make time aboutthem.
Kate Aldrich (02:12):
Right, Right, that's what, yeah, and I mean I
think we should stop there andjust like.
This last weekend wasphenomenal and fun.
Well, and actually two weekendsago, our senior in high school
had her last senior dancerecital, which was just like how
did we get here?
Like Brad and I were looking atpictures of a little
five-year-old girl dancing whenshe started her first recital
(02:34):
and now she's almost 19.
And just like, it's just crazy.
And then you fast forward tothis weekend and we spent the
whole weekend in Chicago withour oldest son graduating from
Moody Bible Institute and justhanging out with him in the city
as a family.
It was so fun and so amazingand moments we wouldn't miss for
(02:57):
the world Well, maybe for astorm that the plane wasn't
going to let us take off.
Brad Aldrich (03:03):
We had a few moments, yes.
Kate Aldrich (03:05):
Yeah, we could talk about that too, how we
navigated that, because Brad'slike I don't know what we're
going to do and I'm like we'regoing to drive through the night
and he's like that's not goingto work and I'm like we're doing
it anyways.
Luckily the plane took off.
Thank you Lord.
But yeah, so the month has hasbeen just honoring our kiddos in
different things, but it's notalways, as you said, honor.
Brad Aldrich (03:35):
No, there's always this thing that happens.
There's a season that happenswhen it gets really hard to
focus on your marriage and maybeit was strained before and this
kind of season makes it feeleven more distant.
Other times it's like, hey,we've been doing really good,
but then all of a sudden you gooh my gosh, it's been how many
weeks since we had time together, how often that we've had any
(03:57):
space to relax or be together orwhatever to be in that time
right.
And it happens this is certainlynot the first time, and it
won't be the last that we gothrough a season.
Kate Aldrich (04:08):
Yeah Well, we've gone through lots and we even
talked about it.
That's one thing.
So, like, what do you do whenall of this happens?
You know Brad and I even talkedabout prior to May coming up
like this is going to be a longmonth of good things for us.
We knew they were good things,but it also we knew it would
(04:28):
take away our structure that wekind of do our time that we put
away for ourselves which isusually on the weekends, because
that's kind of with um, youknow our jobs, that's what we,
that's the time that we have.
So we knew that was going tohappen, so we talk about it
preemptively.
Brad Aldrich (04:47):
I think that, honestly, that is one thing,
that when we see couples whodon't do these seasons well, I
think that is one thing that werecognize is there isn't really
any conversation of we'reheading into a busy season
conversation of we're headinginto a busy season, well, I
(05:08):
would say, or if there is, it'skind of, it is not uh, with the
focus of okay, how are we goingto take care of us?
Kate Aldrich (05:14):
it's more just like oh may, super busy, and
then we just move on move on orit's blame.
Brad Aldrich (05:20):
You know, there's definitely those places where
it's blame of one person, likebeing busy or being distant or
in that, in that season, it'slike you know that that happens
as well, and so it's not aconversation, it's a accusation.
Yeah, so I I think oneprinciple if you want to say
(05:43):
that is start with man.
This next several weeks isgoing to be really busy.
Kate Aldrich (05:49):
Yeah, and then what does that look like?
How can we protect us, findtime for us, find nuggets of
time?
Maybe it's not your usual, butwhat does that look like to be
intentional with that?
Brad Aldrich (06:02):
Yeah, and that's really good.
I think a lot of times that'swhere people really just try and
focus.
It's like, okay, well, we'regoing to try and grab time
anyway, and it gets really hardright, and they get frustrated
that they only get you know 15minutes before they pass out in
bed or something like that.
(06:23):
So I think that time is good.
I think it can be sometimesreally frustrating when it's not
your normal.
Kate Aldrich (06:35):
I don't know that I feel frustrated.
Maybe we did years ago.
I just feel like I miss that,like I want that connection with
you and some of the other waysthat I know, like from these
last two weekends, that we tryto prioritize.
That are things like sittingtogether.
(06:57):
Right, it sounds silly, but youknow we're doing these things
with our kids there's, our wholefamilies are there, we have
grandparents there.
You know we can be pulled in 20different directions, correct?
Now, don't get me wrong.
The kiddo we're celebratinggets a lot of our time and
(07:18):
attention because that'simportant to Brad and I.
Like this is their time, thisis an event in their life that's
happening once, right, sothey're getting a lot of our
time and attention.
But, like on the plane,yesterday we sat next to each
other.
Right During the graduation,during the dance recital, we sat
next to each other.
Like we make that a prioritybecause then we're also getting
(07:40):
to experience a little bit ofconnection and we're getting to
experience what our kids aregoing through together.
Brad Aldrich (07:47):
Sure.
Kate Aldrich (07:48):
Right, and just kind of thinking about that and
thinking about what do we needright now?
At the graduation, I asked ourmiddle son to like take the
video of our son so Brad and Icould sit there and watch him
walk across the stage, not watcha video of him walking across
the stage Right, Right, Likeit's just thinking about those
things and really saying likethis connection us is really
(08:10):
important.
So how do we prioritize it?
In little bits.
Brad Aldrich (08:13):
Yeah, I think that can be really good.
I hear a but no, the only thingI was going to say in that is
recognizing that there's stillplaces missing.
What do you mean?
There's.
I guess the part is missing islike hey, we don't get to do
(08:37):
kind of our normal debrief, wedon't get to spend the time
together we normally would, wedon't.
You know.
There's other places that aremissing and I think it's
understandable that there's someplace of frustration sometimes
in that.
Sure sure.
That everybody can feel, and Ithink it's acknowledging that
(08:59):
and going you know, hey, we'removing through this busy season,
we're not creating a new normal.
I think that's kind ofeveryone's fear is like this is
going to be the new norm thatwe're just going to have to deal
with, because then it's likewell, wait a minute, this isn't
going to work long term Right.
And that's where I thinksometimes and maybe this is
(09:20):
number three is like thinkthrough what the ending looks
like.
Okay think through what theending looks like Okay, where
you hopefully are going to comeback to your more normal routine
of more spending time togetherand more connecting and whatever
all that looks like making surethat there is some even extra
(09:41):
space on the other side.
Kate Aldrich (09:44):
If you can.
I don't know in May how we'regoing to find that extra space.
Brad Aldrich (09:47):
No for us, I think what we've said is like it's
going to be a really busy seasonthrough our next kiddos
graduation and graduation partyand that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (09:59):
We're going to just going to have to push
through in that place of youknow, trying to find little bits
of time until we get to thatother side true, and we even
said last night when we were youknow, we got home quite late,
had dinner real quick, kind ofwent to bed last night after
getting home from chicago and Ithink I said to you like I can't
(10:22):
wait till date night thisfriday, because in the month of
of May, other than like at thebeginning, this is like our only
Friday date night that wealways do right and so.
But that is kind of also thelike.
I'm looking forward to this.
I can't wait to do this like orwhen can we find another time,
(10:44):
or when can we sit out back andjust talk together for 20
minutes?
Right, it may not be yourtypical, it may not look, but
also like looking at the end,like you said.
But also, where can we find thepocket of time we can go on a
short walk, we can, you know,and and trying to not let those,
(11:04):
those pockets that could bepotential, just go to other
things.
Brad Aldrich (11:08):
Yeah and disappear .
I do know one of the thingsthat we see a lot of couples
doing is getting into argumentswith each other about this kind
of stuff rather than looking atlike, hey, how time or how other
priorities are pulling peopleand it's not necessarily even I
(11:30):
was going to say not what wewant.
Of course, in our situationit's exactly what we want.
We're celebrating, we'reenjoying where we're at but I
think it's also pulling awayfrom our norm, which is what we
would love to have again, wouldlove to have again and it's easy
(11:51):
to kind of fight each otherversus kind of fight the
tendency to be pulled.
Kate Aldrich (11:54):
What does that look like, though?
I feel like when people havethose fights, many times it's
because that's already a thoughtLike you don't like spending
time with me, you don'tprioritize time with me.
Brad Aldrich (12:07):
I think the fights often happen more when it's a
one-sided busy season.
Right, Like somebody goes towork season that is busy, that's
you know.
Or a kid season, that's busy,that is, pulling one parent more
than the other.
I think that is the place whereit tends to create more
(12:30):
arguments, because then it feelslike there's, you know, one
person that's absent more thanthe other.
Kate Aldrich (12:38):
Yeah, I get that.
Okay.
Yeah, that makes more sense andthat's yeah this.
We've had those seasons.
That's not necessarily theseason right now for us, but
even in yeah, I hear you, buteven in the we're doing the same
thing busy season.
I think sometimes, too, itfeels like you're not
(13:02):
prioritizing us in the momentsthat we could Like.
Brad Aldrich (13:04):
I think that that same sort of thought can end up
happening right, absolutely itcan, and I think one of the
cautions here is to not allowthat distance to create
arguments to create thedisagreements so how do we deal
with those differently, likewhat do we do when disagreement
(13:28):
things come?
Kate Aldrich (13:29):
in, we don't disagree really no what I don't
understand the question.
What's happening?
We don't disagree.
Um, I one of the things I wasthinking, and I don't know you
and I think very differently, soyou may not be thinking this,
but we've gotten to the pointwhere, instead of feeling like
(13:50):
I'm on the defensive, I try tobe on the offensive for you and
that and how that I'm going totalk through, like what we've
done over the last couple weeksand I realize this is a little
different, but I've even donethis with your work things at
times it you know, like thisweekend, lots of family, lots of
(14:11):
doing cool things in Chicago,walking around, lots of just up
the street with our son.
We kept teasing him becauseeverything was just up the
street, but we live in Lancasterwhere you don't walk anywhere,
and so things were quite a walk,but it was amazing, we loved it
.
But like there were times thatsure would I have loved Brad to
(14:33):
to be there with me as we'reexperiencing something, sure,
but there were times I said whydon't you and Kent go?
Like they went to his apartmentand you know, get to chat, just
have some time with him.
I try to be on the offensiveroute versus the kind of I I
(15:14):
think some of the tendency yeahthe advocate versus the selfish.
Brad Aldrich (15:17):
That's a better way of putting it.
I was trying to think of how tosay that.
Well, that's good, right,because I think sometimes what
we do is play the selfish gameand then hoping that we get to
see the other person kind ofturn around and go yeah, I know,
I miss you.
Like we almost want thenegative response or the the,
(15:40):
that other response to give us areassurance, right, even if we
know they can't spend time withus.
It's this whole thing of likeoh, you know we've talked about
this, we used to do this of likeone of us was going away for
something and we'd be like oh,I'm just disappointed, or you
have to go to work, I'm sad thatI have to go to work.
(16:02):
Like that kind of thing, almostin this kind of like playing out
the attachment, where we'retrying to get the other person
to like reassure us in some way,rather than being assured of
like no, that we love each other, we find time for each other,
(16:23):
we're solid, yeah I think that'ssome of the difference hmm,
yeah, yeah, I guess.
Kate Aldrich (16:30):
So it's just.
Yeah, it's an interestingdynamic and I am wondering if
those of you out there listeningcan relate to it and if you can
sort of extrapolate or thinkabout, be curious about, like
why that might happen for you.
Brad Aldrich (16:49):
Why you get upset when somebody is leaving or why
yeah.
Kate Aldrich (16:52):
Sure, well, and obviously we're built for
connection and we enjoyconnection with each other and a
lot of times, without theconnection, we also feel a loss
of support in many things, inour families and whatnot.
But yeah, just kind of beingcurious, and I think you and I
have done a lot of work onourselves to understand that and
(17:13):
not have that be the drivingforce.
Brad Aldrich (17:18):
Yeah, I think that's probably I mean for us as
part of the difference.
I would say for many couplesthere does come this fear that
comes up Because relationshipsare hard.
Right, we always come back tothey're great, we're made for
(17:38):
relationships, we're designedfor relationship, but
relationships are hard, so theytake work and that means
sometimes we have to stop andthink about our stuff and we
have to think about you know whyI'm doing something, or maybe
complex is a better word.
Kate Aldrich (17:54):
Hard makes it just sound like not fun, right?
we're complex people and withthat comes our stories, are all
of our complexities that, as yousaid, make it work.
You have to understand yourspouse, you have to understand
those around you, um and so, uh,I just feel like the
(18:15):
complexities need to be honoredand sought to understand what's
at play.
Yeah, and when we've had busyseasons in our lives I know
you've had work busy seasons, Ihave too.
Typically, the fall used to beso extremely busy for me and for
a long time there was just, Ithink, pressure, stress between
(18:39):
us about those times instead ofsupport.
How can I help?
That's why I say being on theoffensive, right, it's how can I
help.
Brad Aldrich (18:50):
But I also think, yeah, so take a step back just
to wrap this up, like a couplewho is in a super busy season
right now, maybe they're like usand they have kids graduating,
or maybe there's just, you know,end of the year, end of school
year, kind of things that aremaking it really, really pulled.
(19:10):
How would you tell a couple togo through that time?
Kate Aldrich (19:15):
Well, I feel like that's a great question and I
feel like it's hard becausethere's no one size fits all
couple, because where you're at,do you feel like you do the
hard times well or not, right.
Sure.
Because some people I will havea lot of couples tell me like
(19:38):
when we have something going on,we are good at figuring out
together.
Brad Aldrich (19:43):
We're good at problem solving.
Kate Aldrich (19:45):
Right, or doing daily life together really well.
It's when we get to theinterpersonal it gets
challenging.
So sometimes couples thrive inthis space.
So I think, if it isn't, Ialways go to this right Number
one be curious why.
Why do we struggle with it?
(20:06):
What is the dynamic we have?
What is the dance we do aroundthis?
And then why do I struggle tobe on the offensive?
You know, once you've beencurious.
The thing is then how do Iaffirm and help my spouse in
(20:26):
this time and look kind of atthat, because if both spouses
are looking that direction, Ifeel like that's going to help a
lot.
Brad Aldrich (20:34):
Sure it does, and I think even one spouse taking a
look at hey, how do I affirmthem, how do I take care of them
in this space, how do I notlive in this selfish space,
actually does change the systemquite a lot, right, because we
tend to go too selfish when wefeel threatened, right, and so I
(20:58):
think doing something to dropthe threat helps both sides to
that.
But I think it is very commonto feel like we are living next
to each other, we're living asroommates, we're just going
through this time, we're justkind of having to do our own
(21:19):
thing.
Going through this time, we'rejust kind of having to do our
own thing.
I would say somewhat,especially if you can point to a
season that that's happeningbecause of, like, actually
having the conversation andsaying this is a really crazy
busy season I'm I'm feeling likewe haven't had time together.
(21:43):
Just acknowledging some of that,I think, can go really far.
And then starting to go, I geta lot out of the expressed
desire to do different, right.
So even when you've come, likeyou said last night you know
it's the beginning of the week,but you were saying, man, I
(22:06):
can't wait until friday for ourdate night, right, I think, even
if you don't know when that is,I can't wait until we can have
a date night again.
Like that expressed desire iscommunicating something so much
deeper right of my desire to beconnected to you, my desire to
(22:26):
see it different, right?
I think all of that reallymatters in the relationship,
right?
And what you're doing is sayingto this person that you're
feeling distant from I can'twait until we can change that,
even if we can't right now.
Kate Aldrich (22:40):
Yeah, that matters , right, that's helpful.
So, on that, I think that'sreally good.
On that stream, I can't waituntil we go to England again
together, sure, okay.
So like, let's make that happen.
I'm just kidding.
Brad Aldrich (22:55):
We can, but we can dream about some of those right
?
Kate Aldrich (22:59):
No, let's just go.
But we can dream about some ofthose right?
Brad Aldrich (23:00):
No, let's just go, oh okay.
Kate Aldrich (23:01):
But no, I absolutely agree with, because
it's telling your spousesomething.
And I would add, then it's alsolike finding those nuggets of
time, and I feel like Brad and Iworked hard or at least I'm
cognizant of it, I don't know ifyou are While we were in
(23:26):
Chicago, like just're walkingaround every once in a while,
I'd walk up to him and we'd holdhands for a while, just finding
those nuggets of connection.
Sure, right, it wasn't about usthat weekend, and that's what I
think we were saying here, whenit can't be about your marriage
.
But how can you find thosenuggets of time?
Because those nuggets, believeit or not, help and I think lots
(23:53):
of couples lose those nuggetsin general and then find they
feel very disconnected overallanyways.
So I think that's what I, I, youknow.
So we said number one havingthe conversation.
This is a busy time.
Brad Aldrich (24:05):
What's it gonna look like, um, you said just
trying to actually communicate adesire, even if it's in the
future yeah, I would love to.
Yeah, I can't right now, rightbeing on the offensive for each
other taking care of each otherthe best you can, trying to
(24:25):
defend the person trying to go.
Oh, I know you have to workextra.
I expected you to.
How can I help?
Right like moving instead ofselfishly in the deep, in the
offensive, of really trying totake care of them.
Kate Aldrich (24:40):
And then finding those nuggets of time and not
letting, letting them slip away.
Brad Aldrich (24:46):
Right, and I'll add, if you can like we don't
always know when the season isover, but if there is a a
specific season right.
Like it's this event that youhave to do or you know something
that's happening.
You know getting in yourcalendar and planning a day to.
England that you planning a daythat you get to spend together
(25:10):
trying to plan the opposite, theother side.
But I think it also gives youboth the kind of space to go.
My partner wants this.
Yeah, right, we just haven'tbeen able to right now and we've
got that on the calendar, right, we can sustain so much when we
(25:32):
know where we're going.
Kate Aldrich (25:33):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (25:33):
When we don't have a roadmap, and that's where the
communication part comes back.
When we don't have a roadmap,we don't know where we're going.
I think that's where fear cancreep in.
Kate Aldrich (25:46):
I think that's where a whole lot of other
things can come.
Brad Aldrich (25:47):
So keeping talking to each other and expressing
all that is so important.
Kate Aldrich (25:53):
Yeah, I agree, I think that's really good sound
things and I would love to youknow, we would love to know how
you guys have navigated busyseasons.
Some of you are even beyond usin years and so have navigated
lots more than we have.
Some of you are just figuringthat out, but it is a fact of
life that there is going to bebusy, crazy times.
(26:15):
Everything's going to be tryingto take your attention.
So, yeah, thinking about it andholding each other up, it's,
it's huge, it's huge.
Brad Aldrich (26:25):
Yeah, it absolutely is, and I think it is
those little things that make ahuge difference in the long run
.
Yeah.
Right, most of the couples thatwe end up talking to, they are
really feeling distant from eachother because so many of life's
busy seasons kind of stack upon top of each other and they
(26:48):
start just kind of doing lifealone versus together.
Yeah, for sure.
Being intentional to changethat can really make a
difference as you're on yourmarriage journey.
Kate Aldrich (27:01):
For sure.
Brad Aldrich (27:01):
So well, that's it for this week on Still Becoming
One.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (27:09):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Brad Aldrich (27:11):
Be kind and take care of each other, still
Becoming One, is a production ofAldrich Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
(27:34):
social media, be sure to visitus at stillbecomingonecom and
don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts, and be sure to followus to continue your journey on
Still Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Welcome back.
Brad Aldrich (00:36):
We are so glad to be with you again and to be
chatting.
It's been a really good busyseason man busy, what does?
That mean really crazy busy.
How about?
That okay, I was like man busyit has been a man, it's been a
busy season yes, may, and may isnot over yet.
(00:59):
And it's going to continue tobe busy.
Kate Aldrich (01:01):
May has been a very busy month for us, but also
really exciting stuffabsolutely good and fun and um,
yeah, and it brought it, gotbrad and I talking and thinking
this morning about, like, whenyou have busy seasons in your
life and it can't be about yourmarriage, your marriage can't be
(01:21):
the focus and the top priority.
Yeah, what do we do?
Brad Aldrich (01:27):
And there's so many like just thinking about
that.
There's so many seasons wherethat happens right.
Like we have friends of oursright now whose teenage son is
really sick, and so all of asudden, everything stops and
becomes about that everythingstops and becomes about that.
We have, you know, family stuffgoing on that all of a sudden
it's like okay, we want to focuson and honor one of our kids
(01:51):
going through graduation stuffand we have two kiddos
graduating this month.
Kate Aldrich (01:58):
Well, one officially next month, yeah,
yeah, yeah, one officially atthe beginning of June.
Brad Aldrich (02:02):
One from college, one from high school.
And so then, it's like thisplace of wanting to try and stop
and honor and make time aboutthem.
Kate Aldrich (02:12):
Right, Right, that's what, yeah, and I mean I
think we should stop there andjust like.
This last weekend wasphenomenal and fun.
Well, and actually two weekendsago, our senior in high school
had her last senior dancerecital, which was just like how
did we get here?
Like Brad and I were looking atpictures of a little
five-year-old girl dancing whenshe started her first recital
(02:34):
and now she's almost 19.
And just like, it's just crazy.
And then you fast forward tothis weekend and we spent the
whole weekend in Chicago withour oldest son graduating from
Moody Bible Institute and justhanging out with him in the city
as a family.
It was so fun and so amazingand moments we wouldn't miss for
(02:57):
the world Well, maybe for astorm that the plane wasn't
going to let us take off.
Brad Aldrich (03:03):
We had a few moments, yes.
Kate Aldrich (03:05):
Yeah, we could talk about that too, how we
navigated that, because Brad'slike I don't know what we're
going to do and I'm like we'regoing to drive through the night
and he's like that's not goingto work and I'm like we're doing
it anyways.
Luckily the plane took off.
Thank you Lord.
But yeah, so the month has hasbeen just honoring our kiddos in
different things, but it's notalways, as you said, honor.
Brad Aldrich (03:35):
No, there's always this thing that happens.
There's a season that happenswhen it gets really hard to
focus on your marriage and maybeit was strained before and this
kind of season makes it feeleven more distant.
Other times it's like, hey,we've been doing really good,
but then all of a sudden you gooh my gosh, it's been how many
weeks since we had time together, how often that we've had any
(03:57):
space to relax or be together orwhatever to be in that time
right.
And it happens this is certainlynot the first time, and it
won't be the last that we gothrough a season.
Kate Aldrich (04:08):
Yeah Well, we've gone through lots and we even
talked about it.
That's one thing.
So, like, what do you do whenall of this happens?
You know Brad and I even talkedabout prior to May coming up
like this is going to be a longmonth of good things for us.
We knew they were good things,but it also we knew it would
(04:28):
take away our structure that wekind of do our time that we put
away for ourselves which isusually on the weekends, because
that's kind of with um, youknow our jobs, that's what we,
that's the time that we have.
So we knew that was going tohappen, so we talk about it
preemptively.
Brad Aldrich (04:47):
I think that, honestly, that is one thing,
that when we see couples whodon't do these seasons well, I
think that is one thing that werecognize is there isn't really
any conversation of we'reheading into a busy season
conversation of we're headinginto a busy season, well, I
(05:08):
would say, or if there is, it'skind of, it is not uh, with the
focus of okay, how are we goingto take care of us?
Kate Aldrich (05:14):
it's more just like oh may, super busy, and
then we just move on move on orit's blame.
Brad Aldrich (05:20):
You know, there's definitely those places where
it's blame of one person, likebeing busy or being distant or
in that, in that season, it'slike you know that that happens
as well, and so it's not aconversation, it's a accusation.
Yeah, so I I think oneprinciple if you want to say
(05:43):
that is start with man.
This next several weeks isgoing to be really busy.
Kate Aldrich (05:49):
Yeah, and then what does that look like?
How can we protect us, findtime for us, find nuggets of
time?
Maybe it's not your usual, butwhat does that look like to be
intentional with that?
Brad Aldrich (06:02):
Yeah, and that's really good.
I think a lot of times that'swhere people really just try and
focus.
It's like, okay, well, we'regoing to try and grab time
anyway, and it gets really hardright, and they get frustrated
that they only get you know 15minutes before they pass out in
bed or something like that.
(06:23):
So I think that time is good.
I think it can be sometimesreally frustrating when it's not
your normal.
Kate Aldrich (06:35):
I don't know that I feel frustrated.
Maybe we did years ago.
I just feel like I miss that,like I want that connection with
you and some of the other waysthat I know, like from these
last two weekends, that we tryto prioritize.
That are things like sittingtogether.
(06:57):
Right, it sounds silly, but youknow we're doing these things
with our kids there's, our wholefamilies are there, we have
grandparents there.
You know we can be pulled in 20different directions, correct?
Now, don't get me wrong.
The kiddo we're celebratinggets a lot of our time and
(07:18):
attention because that'simportant to Brad and I.
Like this is their time, thisis an event in their life that's
happening once, right, sothey're getting a lot of our
time and attention.
But, like on the plane,yesterday we sat next to each
other.
Right During the graduation,during the dance recital, we sat
next to each other.
Like we make that a prioritybecause then we're also getting
(07:40):
to experience a little bit ofconnection and we're getting to
experience what our kids aregoing through together.
Brad Aldrich (07:47):
Sure.
Kate Aldrich (07:48):
Right, and just kind of thinking about that and
thinking about what do we needright now?
At the graduation, I asked ourmiddle son to like take the
video of our son so Brad and Icould sit there and watch him
walk across the stage, not watcha video of him walking across
the stage Right, Right, Likeit's just thinking about those
things and really saying likethis connection us is really
(08:10):
important.
So how do we prioritize it?
In little bits.
Brad Aldrich (08:13):
Yeah, I think that can be really good.
I hear a but no, the only thingI was going to say in that is
recognizing that there's stillplaces missing.
What do you mean?
There's.
I guess the part is missing islike hey, we don't get to do
(08:37):
kind of our normal debrief, wedon't get to spend the time
together we normally would, wedon't.
You know.
There's other places that aremissing and I think it's
understandable that there's someplace of frustration sometimes
in that.
Sure sure.
That everybody can feel, and Ithink it's acknowledging that
(08:59):
and going you know, hey, we'removing through this busy season,
we're not creating a new normal.
I think that's kind ofeveryone's fear is like this is
going to be the new norm thatwe're just going to have to deal
with, because then it's likewell, wait a minute, this isn't
going to work long term Right.
And that's where I thinksometimes and maybe this is
(09:20):
number three is like thinkthrough what the ending looks
like.
Okay think through what theending looks like Okay, where
you hopefully are going to comeback to your more normal routine
of more spending time togetherand more connecting and whatever
all that looks like making surethat there is some even extra
(09:41):
space on the other side.
Kate Aldrich (09:44):
If you can.
I don't know in May how we'regoing to find that extra space.
Brad Aldrich (09:47):
No for us, I think what we've said is like it's
going to be a really busy seasonthrough our next kiddos
graduation and graduation partyand that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (09:59):
We're going to just going to have to push
through in that place of youknow, trying to find little bits
of time until we get to thatother side true, and we even
said last night when we were youknow, we got home quite late,
had dinner real quick, kind ofwent to bed last night after
getting home from chicago and Ithink I said to you like I can't
(10:22):
wait till date night thisfriday, because in the month of
of May, other than like at thebeginning, this is like our only
Friday date night that wealways do right and so.
But that is kind of also thelike.
I'm looking forward to this.
I can't wait to do this like orwhen can we find another time,
(10:44):
or when can we sit out back andjust talk together for 20
minutes?
Right, it may not be yourtypical, it may not look, but
also like looking at the end,like you said.
But also, where can we find thepocket of time we can go on a
short walk, we can, you know,and and trying to not let those,
(11:04):
those pockets that could bepotential, just go to other
things.
Brad Aldrich (11:08):
Yeah and disappear .
I do know one of the thingsthat we see a lot of couples
doing is getting into argumentswith each other about this kind
of stuff rather than looking atlike, hey, how time or how other
priorities are pulling peopleand it's not necessarily even I
(11:30):
was going to say not what wewant.
Of course, in our situationit's exactly what we want.
We're celebrating, we'reenjoying where we're at but I
think it's also pulling awayfrom our norm, which is what we
would love to have again, wouldlove to have again and it's easy
(11:51):
to kind of fight each otherversus kind of fight the
tendency to be pulled.
Kate Aldrich (11:54):
What does that look like, though?
I feel like when people havethose fights, many times it's
because that's already a thoughtLike you don't like spending
time with me, you don'tprioritize time with me.
Brad Aldrich (12:07):
I think the fights often happen more when it's a
one-sided busy season.
Right, Like somebody goes towork season that is busy, that's
you know.
Or a kid season, that's busy,that is, pulling one parent more
than the other.
I think that is the place whereit tends to create more
(12:30):
arguments, because then it feelslike there's, you know, one
person that's absent more thanthe other.
Kate Aldrich (12:38):
Yeah, I get that.
Okay.
Yeah, that makes more sense andthat's yeah this.
We've had those seasons.
That's not necessarily theseason right now for us, but
even in yeah, I hear you, buteven in the we're doing the same
thing busy season.
I think sometimes, too, itfeels like you're not
(13:02):
prioritizing us in the momentsthat we could Like.
Brad Aldrich (13:04):
I think that that same sort of thought can end up
happening right, absolutely itcan, and I think one of the
cautions here is to not allowthat distance to create
arguments to create thedisagreements so how do we deal
with those differently, likewhat do we do when disagreement
(13:28):
things come?
Kate Aldrich (13:29):
in, we don't disagree really no what I don't
understand the question.
What's happening?
We don't disagree.
Um, I one of the things I wasthinking, and I don't know you
and I think very differently, soyou may not be thinking this,
but we've gotten to the pointwhere, instead of feeling like
(13:50):
I'm on the defensive, I try tobe on the offensive for you and
that and how that I'm going totalk through, like what we've
done over the last couple weeksand I realize this is a little
different, but I've even donethis with your work things at
times it you know, like thisweekend, lots of family, lots of
(14:11):
doing cool things in Chicago,walking around, lots of just up
the street with our son.
We kept teasing him becauseeverything was just up the
street, but we live in Lancasterwhere you don't walk anywhere,
and so things were quite a walk,but it was amazing, we loved it
.
But like there were times thatsure would I have loved Brad to
(14:33):
to be there with me as we'reexperiencing something, sure,
but there were times I said whydon't you and Kent go?
Like they went to his apartmentand you know, get to chat, just
have some time with him.
I try to be on the offensiveroute versus the kind of I I
(15:14):
think some of the tendency yeahthe advocate versus the selfish.
Brad Aldrich (15:17):
That's a better way of putting it.
I was trying to think of how tosay that.
Well, that's good, right,because I think sometimes what
we do is play the selfish gameand then hoping that we get to
see the other person kind ofturn around and go yeah, I know,
I miss you.
Like we almost want thenegative response or the the,
(15:40):
that other response to give us areassurance, right, even if we
know they can't spend time withus.
It's this whole thing of likeoh, you know we've talked about
this, we used to do this of likeone of us was going away for
something and we'd be like oh,I'm just disappointed, or you
have to go to work, I'm sad thatI have to go to work.
(16:02):
Like that kind of thing, almostin this kind of like playing out
the attachment, where we'retrying to get the other person
to like reassure us in some way,rather than being assured of
like no, that we love each other, we find time for each other,
(16:23):
we're solid, yeah I think that'ssome of the difference hmm,
yeah, yeah, I guess.
Kate Aldrich (16:30):
So it's just.
Yeah, it's an interestingdynamic and I am wondering if
those of you out there listeningcan relate to it and if you can
sort of extrapolate or thinkabout, be curious about, like
why that might happen for you.
Brad Aldrich (16:49):
Why you get upset when somebody is leaving or why
yeah.
Kate Aldrich (16:52):
Sure, well, and obviously we're built for
connection and we enjoyconnection with each other and a
lot of times, without theconnection, we also feel a loss
of support in many things, inour families and whatnot.
But yeah, just kind of beingcurious, and I think you and I
have done a lot of work onourselves to understand that and
(17:13):
not have that be the drivingforce.
Brad Aldrich (17:18):
Yeah, I think that's probably I mean for us as
part of the difference.
I would say for many couplesthere does come this fear that
comes up Because relationshipsare hard.
Right, we always come back tothey're great, we're made for
(17:38):
relationships, we're designedfor relationship, but
relationships are hard, so theytake work and that means
sometimes we have to stop andthink about our stuff and we
have to think about you know whyI'm doing something, or maybe
complex is a better word.
Kate Aldrich (17:54):
Hard makes it just sound like not fun, right?
we're complex people and withthat comes our stories, are all
of our complexities that, as yousaid, make it work.
You have to understand yourspouse, you have to understand
those around you, um and so, uh,I just feel like the
(18:15):
complexities need to be honoredand sought to understand what's
at play.
Yeah, and when we've had busyseasons in our lives I know
you've had work busy seasons, Ihave too.
Typically, the fall used to beso extremely busy for me and for
a long time there was just, Ithink, pressure, stress between
(18:39):
us about those times instead ofsupport.
How can I help?
That's why I say being on theoffensive, right, it's how can I
help.
Brad Aldrich (18:50):
But I also think, yeah, so take a step back just
to wrap this up, like a couplewho is in a super busy season
right now, maybe they're like usand they have kids graduating,
or maybe there's just, you know,end of the year, end of school
year, kind of things that aremaking it really, really pulled.
(19:10):
How would you tell a couple togo through that time?
Kate Aldrich (19:15):
Well, I feel like that's a great question and I
feel like it's hard becausethere's no one size fits all
couple, because where you're at,do you feel like you do the
hard times well or not, right.
Sure.
Because some people I will havea lot of couples tell me like
(19:38):
when we have something going on,we are good at figuring out
together.
Brad Aldrich (19:43):
We're good at problem solving.
Kate Aldrich (19:45):
Right, or doing daily life together really well.
It's when we get to theinterpersonal it gets
challenging.
So sometimes couples thrive inthis space.
So I think, if it isn't, Ialways go to this right Number
one be curious why.
Why do we struggle with it?
(20:06):
What is the dynamic we have?
What is the dance we do aroundthis?
And then why do I struggle tobe on the offensive?
You know, once you've beencurious.
The thing is then how do Iaffirm and help my spouse in
(20:26):
this time and look kind of atthat, because if both spouses
are looking that direction, Ifeel like that's going to help a
lot.
Brad Aldrich (20:34):
Sure it does, and I think even one spouse taking a
look at hey, how do I affirmthem, how do I take care of them
in this space, how do I notlive in this selfish space,
actually does change the systemquite a lot, right, because we
tend to go too selfish when wefeel threatened, right, and so I
(20:58):
think doing something to dropthe threat helps both sides to
that.
But I think it is very commonto feel like we are living next
to each other, we're living asroommates, we're just going
through this time, we're justkind of having to do our own
(21:19):
thing.
Going through this time, we'rejust kind of having to do our
own thing.
I would say somewhat,especially if you can point to a
season that that's happeningbecause of, like, actually
having the conversation andsaying this is a really crazy
busy season I'm I'm feeling likewe haven't had time together.
(21:43):
Just acknowledging some of that,I think, can go really far.
And then starting to go, I geta lot out of the expressed
desire to do different, right.
So even when you've come, likeyou said last night you know
it's the beginning of the week,but you were saying, man, I
(22:06):
can't wait until friday for ourdate night, right, I think, even
if you don't know when that is,I can't wait until we can have
a date night again.
Like that expressed desire iscommunicating something so much
deeper right of my desire to beconnected to you, my desire to
(22:26):
see it different, right?
I think all of that reallymatters in the relationship,
right?
And what you're doing is sayingto this person that you're
feeling distant from I can'twait until we can change that,
even if we can't right now.
Kate Aldrich (22:40):
Yeah, that matters , right, that's helpful.
So, on that, I think that'sreally good.
On that stream, I can't waituntil we go to England again
together, sure, okay.
So like, let's make that happen.
I'm just kidding.
Brad Aldrich (22:55):
We can, but we can dream about some of those right
?
Kate Aldrich (22:59):
No, let's just go.
But we can dream about some ofthose right?
Brad Aldrich (23:00):
No, let's just go, oh okay.
Kate Aldrich (23:01):
But no, I absolutely agree with, because
it's telling your spousesomething.
And I would add, then it's alsolike finding those nuggets of
time, and I feel like Brad and Iworked hard or at least I'm
cognizant of it, I don't know ifyou are While we were in
(23:26):
Chicago, like just're walkingaround every once in a while,
I'd walk up to him and we'd holdhands for a while, just finding
those nuggets of connection.
Sure, right, it wasn't about usthat weekend, and that's what I
think we were saying here, whenit can't be about your marriage
.
But how can you find thosenuggets of time?
Because those nuggets, believeit or not, help and I think lots
(23:53):
of couples lose those nuggetsin general and then find they
feel very disconnected overallanyways.
So I think that's what I, I, youknow.
So we said number one havingthe conversation.
This is a busy time.
Brad Aldrich (24:05):
What's it gonna look like, um, you said just
trying to actually communicate adesire, even if it's in the
future yeah, I would love to.
Yeah, I can't right now, rightbeing on the offensive for each
other taking care of each otherthe best you can, trying to
(24:25):
defend the person trying to go.
Oh, I know you have to workextra.
I expected you to.
How can I help?
Right like moving instead ofselfishly in the deep, in the
offensive, of really trying totake care of them.
Kate Aldrich (24:40):
And then finding those nuggets of time and not
letting, letting them slip away.
Brad Aldrich (24:46):
Right, and I'll add, if you can like we don't
always know when the season isover, but if there is a a
specific season right.
Like it's this event that youhave to do or you know something
that's happening.
You know getting in yourcalendar and planning a day to.
England that you planning a daythat you get to spend together
(25:10):
trying to plan the opposite, theother side.
But I think it also gives youboth the kind of space to go.
My partner wants this.
Yeah, right, we just haven'tbeen able to right now and we've
got that on the calendar, right, we can sustain so much when we
(25:32):
know where we're going.
Kate Aldrich (25:33):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (25:33):
When we don't have a roadmap, and that's where the
communication part comes back.
When we don't have a roadmap,we don't know where we're going.
I think that's where fear cancreep in.
Kate Aldrich (25:46):
I think that's where a whole lot of other
things can come.
Brad Aldrich (25:47):
So keeping talking to each other and expressing
all that is so important.
Kate Aldrich (25:53):
Yeah, I agree, I think that's really good sound
things and I would love to youknow, we would love to know how
you guys have navigated busyseasons.
Some of you are even beyond usin years and so have navigated
lots more than we have.
Some of you are just figuringthat out, but it is a fact of
life that there is going to bebusy, crazy times.
(26:15):
Everything's going to be tryingto take your attention.
So, yeah, thinking about it andholding each other up, it's,
it's huge, it's huge.
Brad Aldrich (26:25):
Yeah, it absolutely is, and I think it is
those little things that make ahuge difference in the long run
.
Yeah.
Right, most of the couples thatwe end up talking to, they are
really feeling distant from eachother because so many of life's
busy seasons kind of stack upon top of each other and they
(26:48):
start just kind of doing lifealone versus together.
Yeah, for sure.
Being intentional to changethat can really make a
difference as you're on yourmarriage journey.
Kate Aldrich (27:01):
For sure.
Brad Aldrich (27:01):
So well, that's it for this week on Still Becoming
One.
Until next time, I'm BradAldrich.
Kate Aldrich (27:09):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Brad Aldrich (27:11):
Be kind and take care of each other, still
Becoming One, is a production ofAldrich Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
(27:34):
social media, be sure to visitus at stillbecomingonecom and
don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts, and be sure to followus to continue your journey on
Still Becoming One.
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