April 30, 2025 • 34 mins
We examine the complexities of troubled marriages, challenging the idea that couples should "stick it out no matter what" while offering guidance on when to fight for your relationship and when boundaries might be necessary.
• Understanding the difference between pursuing happiness versus finding fulfillment and contentment in marriage
• Why staying together "just for the kids" often creates more trauma than healing
• How to approach your spouse about relationship struggles without blame or shame
• Setting healthy boundaries when your partner refuses to work on the relationship
• Recognizing when safety concerns might necessitate separation
• Moving beyond the "did I marry the wrong person?" question to deeper relationship insights
• Finding the courage to work through brokenness together for stronger connection
We'd love to hear your thoughts on this topic or any of our episodes. Contact us with your questions or topic suggestions at help@stillbecomingone.com or text us through the number in our show notes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah, welcome back .
It's another evening podcast,who knows what will happen.
Brad Aldrich (00:39):
It is, that's right.
Yes, who knows?
Kate Aldrich (00:44):
Yes, it was a lovely day here, though, even
though it wasn't sunny we got tohave fun last week with our
guest, Adam Young.
Brad Aldrich (00:53):
We had a lot of fun talking with Adam.
Kate Aldrich (00:56):
Really nice to chat with him and hear his
thoughts on his new book.
We suggest everyone read it ifyou want to know more about
story work.
It's a really good book thatgives you like a really good
framework, but also like a lotof meat to go with it.
Brad Aldrich (01:12):
So and we get asked to do podcast guest
podcasts with a lot of peoplewho write books.
It's one of those things peopledo and sometimes we say yes and
and we're like, yeah, this bookcould be good.
And sometimes we don't say yes.
But it is rare that we say yesand we think y'all should read
(01:35):
this book for everybody.
But I think Adam's is a goodone in that category.
Kate Aldrich (01:41):
That's a good point.
We had gotten to a point withOne Flesh Marriage which this
has been a while now wherepeople would just not even ask,
they would just send us books toreview and we'd be like what
are we supposed to do with this?
Some of them were so, not evenin our genre, and we were just
like thanks for the free book.
(02:02):
But it's really cool to talk tosomeone who is working with
people daily on one of thethings we're very passionate
about, so it was really cool,yeah, so yeah, so, well, we're
excited to be kind of comingback to a topic a couple of
weeks ago.
Yes, I don't know how many weeksago, it probably doesn't really
(02:25):
matter, but we love hearingfrom our listeners we do, and
sometimes we realize we may havenot really talked about the
topic to its fullness.
We might have missed somereally important things.
I mean, obviously, in the halfhour 45 minutes that we do a
podcast, we can't covereverything.
However, one of our viewersbrought up some really good
(02:48):
points about our podcast on Imarried the wrong person and so
we would kind of throw themaround and decided we needed to
do a follow up.
So this is I married the wrongperson.
Part two Part two.
Brad Aldrich (03:06):
Part two.
So, yeah, I think it's actually.
We had had really goodconversation on it because
really the first podcast cameout of working with several
people who were ready to throwin the towel because they were
unhappy.
And they were like is doing thework necessary?
(03:28):
Is doing the work going to behelpful?
I think I might have justmarried the wrong person Isn't
the better thing just to go andfind somebody different who?
I match with better and so thatwas really the genesis of the
conversation the first time.
Kate Aldrich (03:45):
Right, right, the genesis.
Wow, well, the start, yeah, thestart of it.
Brad Aldrich (03:51):
And I think that really what came out was this
churchy idea that says youshould stay married no matter
what.
Kate Aldrich (04:04):
Yep, that's yes.
I think that was what wasperceived by our listener and it
was like stick it out, nomatter what, at the cost of
everything, at the cost of yourkids, you know, experiencing all
kinds of things.
You experience in all kinds ofthings, and and this person we
dialogued with a little bit andand it was like, yes, I want to
(04:25):
hear some of that because weneed to challenge those things.
Brad Aldrich (04:32):
We do, and I recently just heard Michelle
Obama in an interview aboutmarriage and she said that she
took Barack to marriagecounseling expecting him to be
fixed and was surprised when themarriage counselor says you've
(04:53):
got stuff to work on.
I think that's part of what wewere talking to.
Is this idea of do I just fixmy spouse and everything's going
to be okay, of do I just fix myspouse?
and everything's going to beokay, right.
And then she went on and saidyou know, I think I want couples
to recognize that marriagetakes work, that if you end up
(05:17):
having been married 50 years andyou were happy for 40 of them,
that you're doing really well,but that means you probably had
10 hard years in there.
Yeah.
And I think that has a lot ofwisdom, because sometimes we get
into the hard year or hardyears and go.
What the heck are we doing?
I need to give up and I'm nottrying to say that anyone who
(05:40):
gets divorced is just giving up,but I do think there is that
place in our kind of idea rightnow that says if I'm not happy,
then I just need to go find theperson who's going to make me
happy.
Kate Aldrich (05:57):
Yeah, that one has the happiness thing.
I mean, I feel like we could doa whole podcast on that, which
we say all the time, but I feellike chasing happiness is not
what we're talking about here,because, I mean, I just want to
be clear.
I feel like chasing happinessis always going to lead you to
needing to chase something else.
Right, we're not.
(06:18):
Yes, do I want you to be happyin your marriage?
Brad Aldrich (06:21):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (06:22):
Yes, absolutely, but it's more about fulfillment
and growing and learning to worktogether with each other's
stories, with each other, whoyou are, and I just think the
happiness bus is always going tolead you to the next
destination and the nextdestination.
So I think it's more like howdo I find contentment, peace,
(06:43):
joy, like all of the things thatyou want to find in a
relationship, not just happiness, I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (06:51):
I agree and I don't think we fully.
I mean, this is just one of thereally basic things is we don't
fully understand how much weinterrupt our own happiness.
Right, happiness is not justbeing hedonistic and doing
(07:11):
whatever I want and just out forme and having fun Like true
happiness actually does comewith sacrifice and work and
being known to each other andemotional highs and emotional
lows.
That creates the happiness.
So I don't think it's as easy.
(07:33):
As I'm not happy, I need out.
I also don't want tooversimplify.
I don't think anyone getsdivorced just because it's like
I had a bad week and I'm unhappy.
Kate Aldrich (07:43):
Yeah and I'm happy .
It's like, oh, I had a bad week, right and I'm unhappy, yeah,
and I'm happy, yeah, and I, yeah, I think that, I think that
what you said is very true andso, yeah, so I think it's, it's
not that.
But then what do we do withthis quandary that our listener
(08:03):
brought up, which was reallygood of like, okay, so like the
whole, stick it out like youdidn't marry the wrong person,
kind of thing, right, like youcan't really so we're not going
to just chalk it up that they'rethe wrong personality, so now
you can't ever have a happymarriage, kind of thing.
And Brad and I have seen a lotof this.
When it's really going poorly,One person is really not up for
(08:29):
whatever reason I mean, we'veseen all the reasons you can
imagine but not willing to meetthe other spouse and work.
And so what does that mean?
What do we do with that?
Brad Aldrich (08:41):
What do we do with that that?
What does that mean?
What do we do with that?
What do we do with that?
Look, I think there's a wholefaith discussion on divorce and
all that kind of stuff that Ithink you need to if faith is
important to you.
I think going and talking toyour pastors or going and
talking to people that yourespect in your faith and going,
(09:03):
okay, what do we believe?
God really says, boiling it alldown.
I think it is.
God really wants us to work onthe relationship, but he does
not condone abusing people.
Kate Aldrich (09:19):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (09:19):
Right and I think it's actually very clear.
There are some interestingexceptions written into
Scripture by Christians thatweren't there in the culture to
provide for women, because theydid want to make sure that they
were not being abused.
So I think that is important tosay that Christians in early
(09:43):
Christianity went out of the wayto make sure that women were
protected in marriage.
And that should continue, Right.
So this is not a place of justokay.
You signed up for it now, soanything goes, you just have to
deal with it because God hatesdivorce.
That's just dumb.
So we need to say that.
Kate Aldrich (10:04):
Right like, that's just dumb, right like, so we
need to say that, right well,and I think turn it around like
we're talking about a culturaltime where women were just more
oppressed, had very few rights,like, but we can turn that into
either spouse now correct,because we live in a world that
is much different, although Istill we could yeah, we could go
on about that.
(10:25):
I still believe that women donot have equal rights in lots of
ways, however, so neitherspouse should be treated in a
way that is harmful, unkind,constantly right, and it gets
really like well, when is toomuch, too much?
And I think that becomes thereal question and what brad and
(10:49):
I were kind of grappling with aswe were talking more about this
of like well, what traumabecomes the worst trauma?
Brad Aldrich (10:56):
which becomes the problem, well, and I want to
just address this thing thathappens all the time and we see
it of just people going well,I'm going to stay together for
the kids while the kids are inthe house, because they need us
and I don't really know whatelse we would do.
It's too expensive anyway, sowe'll just deal with it and kind
(11:19):
of live as roommates and copefor the next couple years and
then, once the kids are out ofthe house, then we'll think
about divorce.
The big problem that I've seenwith that is one you're setting
a horrible example of whatmarriage is supposed to be.
Throughout that whole time thatyou're just kind of coexisting
(11:41):
and that's not healthy for yourkids.
But two, and I think even moresignificant, is just at the
place where they are launchingand they are building lifelong
relationships themselves, oftenin that process of just starting
dating significantly orpotentially getting married
(12:03):
themselves, the relationshipthat they've looked to as
stability for their whole lifeends.
So that ending right at thedevelopmental place where
they're starting their ownlifelong relationships is a huge
challenge to a new couple, to anew dating person.
(12:26):
For somebody's opinion aboutmarriage, All these things that
are getting transmitted to youngadult is really, really
unhealthy.
So all that saying that ifyou're sitting there going,
we're just going to wait tillthe kids are out of the house,
that's a terrible time to do it.
Kate Aldrich (12:44):
It's a terrible idea.
Like, okay, I'm just going tobe a little, which I realize
these decisions are moreintricate than I'm making it but
either decide, like stop havinga foot in each space.
Like either decide to worktowards your marriage or not,
because that kind of thing isn'thelping your kids get it, even
(13:09):
though they may not be able togive words to it, even as a
teenager or young adult, theyget.
Things aren't good like.
I grew up in a family where youknow there's also the deficit
of, like a mom staying home, nothaving the amount of of money
that a dad might, in thesituation of my family, and
(13:32):
really my parents livedpractically divorced, even
though they weren't, and so youget this.
Wouldn't it just be better?
But there's so much that goesinto that and I'm not
dishonoring those people whofind themselves stuck there.
(13:53):
I do honor it.
But I also know as a kid I knewit wasn't good, and as a
teenager and as a young like, Iknew it wasn't good.
And as a teenager and as ayoung adult I knew it wasn't
good.
And so my thought as a kid whoexperienced that is like pick
one and if you find yourselfstuck, then figure out how to
try and work on it, but I dohonor.
(14:14):
That takes two people beingwilling to do so.
Brad Aldrich (14:17):
So you're saying pick on it, meaning either work
on it or get divorced.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I very much agree andI think we support people always
kind of going to their partner.
Now here's the challenge Mostof the time people go to their
partner and say you need to fixthis or you need to get things
(14:41):
better, and kind of point thefinger You're doing X, y, z and
so you need to change that oryou're not doing X Y Z, or
you're not doing X Y Z right andthat never really works right,
that kind of guilt and shameidea, and even you know behavior
.
Kate Aldrich (15:00):
You're the problem .
Brad Aldrich (15:01):
But even the behavior change thing of like
you don't help me enough aroundthe house, or we don't have sex
enough, or whatever.
The thing is that you're justpointing at.
That is the tip of the icebergand that's not the real issue.
Right, like so we do say allthe time, like, go to a partner
(15:25):
and say I want us to rediscoverthe things that made us want to
get married in the first place.
I want to go back to that firstlove.
I want to get back to enjoyingeach other and having fun
together.
I want to renew our passion forlife and for each other again,
and I know I'm part of it.
(15:46):
That's the important part is, Iknow I'm part of this and so
fix it.
Kate Aldrich (15:53):
I think you can also go to your spouse and say I
want it to be better.
I have no clue how to get there.
I know I'm part of the issueand that also be okay.
Like your flowery words soundgreat, but I think a lot of
times people are just in thedepths of despair and have no
clue, and a lot of times they'vegotten to a space, or allowed
(16:14):
themselves to get to a space,where they don't really like
their spouse anymore.
Correct so.
But I feel like it can behonest to say but I don't know
how we'll get there, but I'mwilling to do the work and I'd
like to try is at least a start,absolutely.
Brad Aldrich (16:32):
And I will say if you hear your spouse saying
those kind of words, it is superimportant that we listen to
them and we go oh yeah, I wantto be a part of that too and I
want to work on things and meetthem there, because that's just
step.
One is saying let's work onsomething.
If you are saying that andyou're saying we and you're
(16:56):
trying to figure out how youtogether can get to change, and
your partner is not meeting youthere, refuses to for one reason
or another, then it is time toput up some boundaries.
Kate Aldrich (17:14):
And you say boundaries, what does that mean?
I mean, obviously it'sdifferent for a couple.
Brad Aldrich (17:19):
Sure it is, you can't prescribe one set of
boundaries.
Kate Aldrich (17:22):
Here's the boundary that you say right.
Brad Aldrich (17:25):
It is saying in essence, I really want this.
I want us to go to thiscoaching together or this
counseling together.
I want us to work on thistogether.
I want us to do this.
So you outline the ways thatyou want to engage the person
and you say this is reallyimportant to me.
(17:48):
Why, right?
And then you say you know, ifyou can't meet me there, then
I'm going to take steps in theother direction meet me there,
then I'm going to take steps inthe other direction.
Now, eventually, that might meanyou know what we're going to
(18:08):
live separated for a time, orwe're actually going to separate
for a time.
It might mean saying you knowsomething where there is a I'm
not doing X because we're notmoving towards each other.
So I know we came like this isthe kind of polar opposite of
where we were on, like just didI choose the wrong person Right.
(18:34):
But this is actually reallyimportant to say, because I
don't think it's about choosingthe wrong person Right.
How many people do we know whofelt like their first marriage
ended because they chose thewrong person?
Then they ended that marriage,they went out back in the dating
(18:54):
field and they picked the samefreaking person again.
It may be in a different bodyor a different, little bit
different style in a differentbody.
Well, okay, they didn't actuallypick the actual same person
again.
Kate Aldrich (19:09):
They, they pick but we do know people.
That's happened too, but wewon't get.
That's a whole nother thing.
Um, but yeah I, there arereasons we pick who we pick, and
there's more to be learnedthere than going out and finding
someone different.
Brad Aldrich (19:27):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (19:28):
And to realize not only is that something to learn
about ourselves, but it alsocan be a beautiful process of
this space, something like Bradand I being the safest space
that you have.
And and I mean you guys knowour story.
If you've been listening to ourpodcast or reading our blog
(19:51):
from a million years ago, likeyou know that we went through
some really crazy stuff andnavigated it and, you know,
became each other's safe space.
It doesn't always just happenbecause you want it to correct,
because you have good thoughtsand you're like, oh, I really
love this person.
(20:11):
Sure, in the beginning, that'show most people enter marriage
not all, but most correct and II do think also there's this
space of like, the question oftrauma and which trauma is worse
.
And when you have a volatilemarriage and volatile doesn't
always mean it has to be loudand in people's faces but when
(20:34):
it's harming both the husbandand the wife and the kids that
are around, but when it'sharming both the husband and the
wife and the kids that arearound, if there is family, it
does become a question of likeokay, which trauma is causing
the most trauma?
Brad Aldrich (20:48):
at this, point, absolutely, absolutely, and I
sincerely believe that the anger, the blowups, the things that
we end up going to, or thatnobody talks to each other for
days on end Frozen.
Kate Aldrich (21:03):
Yeah Right, Mom and dad sit at the table, but
we'll talk to you but not toeach other, like it doesn't
always have to look like anger.
Brad Aldrich (21:10):
No.
Kate Aldrich (21:11):
You can look like a lot of interesting things.
Brad Aldrich (21:14):
And you know, just on this side note, like I've
said this often, I do notbelieve that, hey, we should
have a whole huge argument infront of your kids, but
arguments do sometimes happen infront of your kids.
And that is an opportunity toactually show them that repair
happens too right.
(21:34):
So if an argument starts infront of your kids, it's not
like this is horrendous andyou're scarring them for life.
You're actually teaching themthat hey, adults, married adults
, disagree at times and we'regoing to be okay, and let them
see that repair happens.
That is a huge, healthy lesson.
The anger that you're talkingabout is so much different than
(21:56):
that.
Kate Aldrich (21:57):
Right and we want to acknowledge there are parts
where boundaries need to come inplace I think that's the way we
would say it when it's becomeunhealthy or toxic to a point
where one or more people are notworking on themselves.
It's really hard to give you adefinition Correct, because it
(22:21):
looks so different, it's sodifferent for each one, for
every couple.
Brad Aldrich (22:25):
But basically, whenever I've done this with a
person who is trying to getchange to happen in their
marriage, what I've recommendedis the visual of yes, you're
putting up a wall and you wantto be very clear about what's
outside of that wall, what'sinside that wall, what's okay
still and what's not okay.
(22:47):
So, where the wall goes.
But equally important tocommunicate is where's the gate,
what is the way that they canengage, change right, like be
very specific and saying I, youknow, until you're to this place
of saying absolutely not, I'mdone, you know, engaging it as a
(23:09):
way of saying this is the pathin order to move forward.
I need you to stop talking tothat other person and I need us
to go to counseling together.
I will schedule a time as soonas you tell me that you're
willing to do that.
Right, so you're putting up theboundary of I want no
engagement with this otherperson, you know, and this is
(23:32):
the path forward.
Right, and trying to be clearwhere those boundaries are.
Kate Aldrich (23:38):
And just to be clear, we're also not just
saying this is only insituations where you're
obviously bringing someone elseinto your marriage in a way
that's totally inappropriate,but it can happen over not
having those issues.
And I think, of course,biblically, many people feel
like if that happens, they knowwhat the Bible says and so then
(24:04):
they know what is available tothem.
But I think actually, thesituations that are harder when
that's not happening.
You know, and you said in thebeginning, which I wanted to
kind of come back around to likesit with your pastor, which I
wanted to kind of come backaround to like sit with your
pastor, do so.
But I would also caveat it with, like, if you start hearing
(24:24):
something that says just put upwith it, just give grace, that's
concerning right, and I'm notsaying grace isn't a real thing.
We wouldn't.
You know, obviously, brad, andI believe you wouldn't be here
without it Grace is not being adoormat and allowing someone to
do not okay things.
(24:45):
So like, just know, if you havethis check in your spirit where
your pastor's saying somethingand encouraging something that
you're not sure is really theway it should be, like, seek out
other people, get otheropinions, it's okay to do so.
Brad Aldrich (25:04):
Yeah, I 100% agree , and I think all too often
women specifically have beentold by pastors you just have to
deal with badly behaving menand that's crappy.
Kate Aldrich (25:21):
I think sometimes as well, men are told that.
I do realize and want toacknowledge.
I feel like it's more womenthat are told that, but I don't
want to make it sound likethere's never been a husband.
Brad Aldrich (25:31):
That's been told to put up with it or whatever.
No, it's there.
Kate Aldrich (25:36):
Those aren't the right conversations to be having
.
If you're going and sharingwhere you're at and things are
really bad and boundaries areneeded, and a pastor is saying,
just put up with it, that's ared flag.
Brad Aldrich (25:48):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (25:50):
No matter who is expressing it.
Brad Aldrich (25:52):
I haven't seen the statistics on this for a while.
I could look them back up.
But I know in the past I sawstatistics on what happens if a
wife is diagnosed with a seriousmental illness that the divorce
rates are very high in thenineties percent high
Interesting when, if a husbandis diagnosed with a serious
(26:14):
mental illness, divorce ratesare actually lower than normal.
Okay, right, no, but I know,but this is, this is.
This is the culture that westill live in.
Right, this is, this is theculture, culture that we still
live, in right, so it.
It is this place that it isn'tdirectly fair.
(26:35):
Yeah, no, but I I also want tosay in that, like it is okay to
have boundaries and go, thiskind of behavior is not okay.
Alcoholism, you know?
Mental health that's not beingtreated.
Somebody's not getting help,right like that.
That's not being treated.
Somebody who's not getting helpright Like that's.
that's not okay.
You don't have to live withthat.
Um, you know, there's certainlyother things that fall in this
(26:59):
category that say, hey, this isa problem.
My encouragement is to get pastthe top of the iceberg.
Right, because it's not aboutwe never spend any time together
.
It is more about some of theseother deeper things, right, and
the reality is, if you're atthis place of we never spend any
(27:21):
time together, that is arelationship thing, that's a
couple thing, because spendingtime together means both of you
have to be pursuing that in apositive way.
Right, because there are plentyof times I've seen people who
say you never spend time with me, but they are prickly, they're
(27:43):
a cactus.
What's wrong with that?
So why do you want to spendtime with a cactus?
Right?
Like, so like.
We do have to look at bothsides of these things, and
that's why so many of thesethings are relationship driven,
and we truly believe that if acouple comes going, we want to
change, we want to grow.
There are so many things we canovercome.
Kate Aldrich (28:03):
Sure yeah.
Brad Aldrich (28:04):
And that's what we were trying to express in our
last one.
I think this is more about.
Sometimes it's time to say weneed to change.
Kate Aldrich (28:16):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (28:17):
And it's okay.
Kate Aldrich (28:18):
And it's okay to say that to your spouse in a
kind way.
And if you're not met withwanting to do that as well, that
cannot be that way forever.
No, if you're not met withwanting to do that as well,
there there's like that.
That cannot be that way forever, no, like.
And I would say that to thespouses out there who just, for
whatever reason and I do havecompassion, I do believe it's
(28:40):
story related where you, youdon't want to engage, you don't
want to work on anything, you'reafraid to whatever is behind it
I just want to say like thisthis is a perfect, beautiful
opportunity in a safe space tofigure some of this out, and I
get that it doesn't feel safe,but the reality is, if you
(29:01):
continue on in otherrelationships like this, it's
still gonna look like this yeah.
And that's that's what we'rereally trying to say with the
whole.
Did I marry the wrong person?
Well, the reality is it's goingto happen again.
If you seek out otherrelationships, what I love to
see is couples engaging in that,because it's actually a really
(29:23):
beautiful process and beautifulthing, especially when people
have history right.
You know you can say I'll dothe next relationship better,
and that's great, but why not dothis relationship better?
Right, right, be.
I get it.
It takes a brave person to dothat, but I believe that you can
(29:45):
, and that's obviously again ina situation where everyone is
safe.
Brad Aldrich (29:50):
It's safe.
But I do believe and I see itall the time that when couples
work through their broken placestogether, they end up stronger.
On the other side whenadmitting defeat, on the other
(30:14):
side where admitting defeatsaying we're done.
Moving on has a cost toeverybody involved.
So we just take that veryseriously and say, hey, is there
things that two people can doto come together and work
through the broken places?
Because we all have thosewounds, we all have that wounded
heart and we need to come toplaces of healing together and
(30:36):
vulnerability together, and ifwe can get there, I think we can
actually see a tremendousstrength on the other side.
Kate Aldrich (30:46):
However, if that isn't possible, it's also
understandable.
You know that if workingthrough that is not safe anymore
, not safe for the kids, likethat kind of thing is just
putting a whole ton of trauma inyour lives.
We also understand thatboundaries need to be put up and
(31:10):
divorce is a boundary.
I mean, hopefully you don'tstart with divorce, because if
that that shows that we haven'tactually had those conversations
previously, if we go right todivorce, um, but being able to
say, hey, if, if you're notgoing to work on this, then
we're going to move towardsother things and seeing how that
plays out.
Brad Aldrich (31:31):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (31:32):
And then moving forward from there.
Brad Aldrich (31:35):
I agree.
Kate Aldrich (31:36):
I agree?
Well, of course you do, becauseyou're talking to me.
Brad Aldrich (31:39):
So I think that was a really good maybe filler
of what we missed the first goaround.
Kate Aldrich (31:47):
I hope so.
Yeah, cause we didn't.
Brad Aldrich (31:49):
we did not mean to just leave it so short sighted
but and we don't mean to implythat you've got to stick it out
no matter what and be miserableand that somehow that's a better
thing than getting divorcedit's not.
That's not at all.
Kate Aldrich (32:05):
Right.
So the divorce isn't alwaysnecessarily the better either.
Brad Aldrich (32:09):
It really is in, you know it's just so
complicated and so yes, but wedid not mean to make it sound so
blanket so here's the thing weactually would love to hear from
you on this topic or any of ourtopics.
If you're listening and you go,man, man, I disagree with that.
Kate Aldrich (32:28):
This is actually one of the things Contact Brad.
He loves to talk aboutdisagreements.
It's his favorite.
Brad Aldrich (32:33):
It's probably one of the things that I think is
most challenging betweenpodcasting and when we used to
blog.
When we used to blog, there wasa very immediate comment
section.
We'd have a long discussions inthe comments and um podcasts.
Don't really have that yeah butwe do have people send us
(32:54):
questions.
Um, there is a number there.
You can text us questions.
We cannot reply to those texts,but we do listen to them and or
read them, and then sometimeswe'll make a podcast about it.
Or you can email us at help atstillbecomingone all spelled out
(33:15):
dot com, and we would love tohear from you and hear where you
push back and if you've gotquestions for us.
If you're like man, I'd loveyou to tackle this topic.
If you'd love to argue with uson how we said something, I'd
love to hear it, and we mightjust do it in a future episode.
Kate Aldrich (33:36):
Because we like that.
Brad Aldrich (33:38):
Absolutely.
We always want to hear yourideas.
So thanks so much.
We are so happy that we got tokeep talking about some of this
and we have some really greatideas for episodes coming up,
and I know we're gonna tackle alot of really important
relationship and marriage thingsin the next several weeks, so
(34:00):
yeah great.
Well, until next time, I'm bradaldrich and I'm kate aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (34:05):
Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich (34:11):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(34:36):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah, welcome back .
It's another evening podcast,who knows what will happen.
Brad Aldrich (00:39):
It is, that's right.
Yes, who knows?
Kate Aldrich (00:44):
Yes, it was a lovely day here, though, even
though it wasn't sunny we got tohave fun last week with our
guest, Adam Young.
Brad Aldrich (00:53):
We had a lot of fun talking with Adam.
Kate Aldrich (00:56):
Really nice to chat with him and hear his
thoughts on his new book.
We suggest everyone read it ifyou want to know more about
story work.
It's a really good book thatgives you like a really good
framework, but also like a lotof meat to go with it.
Brad Aldrich (01:12):
So and we get asked to do podcast guest
podcasts with a lot of peoplewho write books.
It's one of those things peopledo and sometimes we say yes and
and we're like, yeah, this bookcould be good.
And sometimes we don't say yes.
But it is rare that we say yesand we think y'all should read
(01:35):
this book for everybody.
But I think Adam's is a goodone in that category.
Kate Aldrich (01:41):
That's a good point.
We had gotten to a point withOne Flesh Marriage which this
has been a while now wherepeople would just not even ask,
they would just send us books toreview and we'd be like what
are we supposed to do with this?
Some of them were so, not evenin our genre, and we were just
like thanks for the free book.
(02:02):
But it's really cool to talk tosomeone who is working with
people daily on one of thethings we're very passionate
about, so it was really cool,yeah, so yeah, so, well, we're
excited to be kind of comingback to a topic a couple of
weeks ago.
Yes, I don't know how many weeksago, it probably doesn't really
(02:25):
matter, but we love hearingfrom our listeners we do, and
sometimes we realize we may havenot really talked about the
topic to its fullness.
We might have missed somereally important things.
I mean, obviously, in the halfhour 45 minutes that we do a
podcast, we can't covereverything.
However, one of our viewersbrought up some really good
(02:48):
points about our podcast on Imarried the wrong person and so
we would kind of throw themaround and decided we needed to
do a follow up.
So this is I married the wrongperson.
Part two Part two.
Brad Aldrich (03:06):
Part two.
So, yeah, I think it's actually.
We had had really goodconversation on it because
really the first podcast cameout of working with several
people who were ready to throwin the towel because they were
unhappy.
And they were like is doing thework necessary?
(03:28):
Is doing the work going to behelpful?
I think I might have justmarried the wrong person Isn't
the better thing just to go andfind somebody different who?
I match with better and so thatwas really the genesis of the
conversation the first time.
Kate Aldrich (03:45):
Right, right, the genesis.
Wow, well, the start, yeah, thestart of it.
Brad Aldrich (03:51):
And I think that really what came out was this
churchy idea that says youshould stay married no matter
what.
Kate Aldrich (04:04):
Yep, that's yes.
I think that was what wasperceived by our listener and it
was like stick it out, nomatter what, at the cost of
everything, at the cost of yourkids, you know, experiencing all
kinds of things.
You experience in all kinds ofthings, and and this person we
dialogued with a little bit andand it was like, yes, I want to
(04:25):
hear some of that because weneed to challenge those things.
Brad Aldrich (04:32):
We do, and I recently just heard Michelle
Obama in an interview aboutmarriage and she said that she
took Barack to marriagecounseling expecting him to be
fixed and was surprised when themarriage counselor says you've
(04:53):
got stuff to work on.
I think that's part of what wewere talking to.
Is this idea of do I just fixmy spouse and everything's going
to be okay, of do I just fix myspouse?
and everything's going to beokay, right.
And then she went on and saidyou know, I think I want couples
to recognize that marriagetakes work, that if you end up
(05:17):
having been married 50 years andyou were happy for 40 of them,
that you're doing really well,but that means you probably had
10 hard years in there.
Yeah.
And I think that has a lot ofwisdom, because sometimes we get
into the hard year or hardyears and go.
What the heck are we doing?
I need to give up and I'm nottrying to say that anyone who
(05:40):
gets divorced is just giving up,but I do think there is that
place in our kind of idea rightnow that says if I'm not happy,
then I just need to go find theperson who's going to make me
happy.
Kate Aldrich (05:57):
Yeah, that one has the happiness thing.
I mean, I feel like we could doa whole podcast on that, which
we say all the time, but I feellike chasing happiness is not
what we're talking about here,because, I mean, I just want to
be clear.
I feel like chasing happinessis always going to lead you to
needing to chase something else.
Right, we're not.
(06:18):
Yes, do I want you to be happyin your marriage?
Brad Aldrich (06:21):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (06:22):
Yes, absolutely, but it's more about fulfillment
and growing and learning to worktogether with each other's
stories, with each other, whoyou are, and I just think the
happiness bus is always going tolead you to the next
destination and the nextdestination.
So I think it's more like howdo I find contentment, peace,
(06:43):
joy, like all of the things thatyou want to find in a
relationship, not just happiness, I don't know.
Brad Aldrich (06:51):
I agree and I don't think we fully.
I mean, this is just one of thereally basic things is we don't
fully understand how much weinterrupt our own happiness.
Right, happiness is not justbeing hedonistic and doing
(07:11):
whatever I want and just out forme and having fun Like true
happiness actually does comewith sacrifice and work and
being known to each other andemotional highs and emotional
lows.
That creates the happiness.
So I don't think it's as easy.
(07:33):
As I'm not happy, I need out.
I also don't want tooversimplify.
I don't think anyone getsdivorced just because it's like
I had a bad week and I'm unhappy.
Kate Aldrich (07:43):
Yeah and I'm happy .
It's like, oh, I had a bad week, right and I'm unhappy, yeah,
and I'm happy, yeah, and I, yeah, I think that, I think that
what you said is very true andso, yeah, so I think it's, it's
not that.
But then what do we do withthis quandary that our listener
(08:03):
brought up, which was reallygood of like, okay, so like the
whole, stick it out like youdidn't marry the wrong person,
kind of thing, right, like youcan't really so we're not going
to just chalk it up that they'rethe wrong personality, so now
you can't ever have a happymarriage, kind of thing.
And Brad and I have seen a lotof this.
When it's really going poorly,One person is really not up for
(08:29):
whatever reason I mean, we'veseen all the reasons you can
imagine but not willing to meetthe other spouse and work.
And so what does that mean?
What do we do with that?
Brad Aldrich (08:41):
What do we do with that that?
What does that mean?
What do we do with that?
What do we do with that?
Look, I think there's a wholefaith discussion on divorce and
all that kind of stuff that Ithink you need to if faith is
important to you.
I think going and talking toyour pastors or going and
talking to people that yourespect in your faith and going,
(09:03):
okay, what do we believe?
God really says, boiling it alldown.
I think it is.
God really wants us to work onthe relationship, but he does
not condone abusing people.
Kate Aldrich (09:19):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (09:19):
Right and I think it's actually very clear.
There are some interestingexceptions written into
Scripture by Christians thatweren't there in the culture to
provide for women, because theydid want to make sure that they
were not being abused.
So I think that is important tosay that Christians in early
(09:43):
Christianity went out of the wayto make sure that women were
protected in marriage.
And that should continue, Right.
So this is not a place of justokay.
You signed up for it now, soanything goes, you just have to
deal with it because God hatesdivorce.
That's just dumb.
So we need to say that.
Kate Aldrich (10:04):
Right like, that's just dumb, right like, so we
need to say that, right well,and I think turn it around like
we're talking about a culturaltime where women were just more
oppressed, had very few rights,like, but we can turn that into
either spouse now correct,because we live in a world that
is much different, although Istill we could yeah, we could go
on about that.
(10:25):
I still believe that women donot have equal rights in lots of
ways, however, so neitherspouse should be treated in a
way that is harmful, unkind,constantly right, and it gets
really like well, when is toomuch, too much?
And I think that becomes thereal question and what brad and
(10:49):
I were kind of grappling with aswe were talking more about this
of like well, what traumabecomes the worst trauma?
Brad Aldrich (10:56):
which becomes the problem, well, and I want to
just address this thing thathappens all the time and we see
it of just people going well,I'm going to stay together for
the kids while the kids are inthe house, because they need us
and I don't really know whatelse we would do.
It's too expensive anyway, sowe'll just deal with it and kind
(11:19):
of live as roommates and copefor the next couple years and
then, once the kids are out ofthe house, then we'll think
about divorce.
The big problem that I've seenwith that is one you're setting
a horrible example of whatmarriage is supposed to be.
Throughout that whole time thatyou're just kind of coexisting
(11:41):
and that's not healthy for yourkids.
But two, and I think even moresignificant, is just at the
place where they are launchingand they are building lifelong
relationships themselves, oftenin that process of just starting
dating significantly orpotentially getting married
(12:03):
themselves, the relationshipthat they've looked to as
stability for their whole lifeends.
So that ending right at thedevelopmental place where
they're starting their ownlifelong relationships is a huge
challenge to a new couple, to anew dating person.
(12:26):
For somebody's opinion aboutmarriage, All these things that
are getting transmitted to youngadult is really, really
unhealthy.
So all that saying that ifyou're sitting there going,
we're just going to wait tillthe kids are out of the house,
that's a terrible time to do it.
Kate Aldrich (12:44):
It's a terrible idea.
Like, okay, I'm just going tobe a little, which I realize
these decisions are moreintricate than I'm making it but
either decide, like stop havinga foot in each space.
Like either decide to worktowards your marriage or not,
because that kind of thing isn'thelping your kids get it, even
(13:09):
though they may not be able togive words to it, even as a
teenager or young adult, theyget.
Things aren't good like.
I grew up in a family where youknow there's also the deficit
of, like a mom staying home, nothaving the amount of of money
that a dad might, in thesituation of my family, and
(13:32):
really my parents livedpractically divorced, even
though they weren't, and so youget this.
Wouldn't it just be better?
But there's so much that goesinto that and I'm not
dishonoring those people whofind themselves stuck there.
(13:53):
I do honor it.
But I also know as a kid I knewit wasn't good, and as a
teenager and as a young like, Iknew it wasn't good.
And as a teenager and as ayoung adult I knew it wasn't
good.
And so my thought as a kid whoexperienced that is like pick
one and if you find yourselfstuck, then figure out how to
try and work on it, but I dohonor.
(14:14):
That takes two people beingwilling to do so.
Brad Aldrich (14:17):
So you're saying pick on it, meaning either work
on it or get divorced.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I very much agree andI think we support people always
kind of going to their partner.
Now here's the challenge Mostof the time people go to their
partner and say you need to fixthis or you need to get things
(14:41):
better, and kind of point thefinger You're doing X, y, z and
so you need to change that oryou're not doing X Y Z, or
you're not doing X Y Z right andthat never really works right,
that kind of guilt and shameidea, and even you know behavior
.
Kate Aldrich (15:00):
You're the problem .
Brad Aldrich (15:01):
But even the behavior change thing of like
you don't help me enough aroundthe house, or we don't have sex
enough, or whatever.
The thing is that you're justpointing at.
That is the tip of the icebergand that's not the real issue.
Right, like so we do say allthe time, like, go to a partner
(15:25):
and say I want us to rediscoverthe things that made us want to
get married in the first place.
I want to go back to that firstlove.
I want to get back to enjoyingeach other and having fun
together.
I want to renew our passion forlife and for each other again,
and I know I'm part of it.
(15:46):
That's the important part is, Iknow I'm part of this and so
fix it.
Kate Aldrich (15:53):
I think you can also go to your spouse and say I
want it to be better.
I have no clue how to get there.
I know I'm part of the issueand that also be okay.
Like your flowery words soundgreat, but I think a lot of
times people are just in thedepths of despair and have no
clue, and a lot of times they'vegotten to a space, or allowed
(16:14):
themselves to get to a space,where they don't really like
their spouse anymore.
Correct so.
But I feel like it can behonest to say but I don't know
how we'll get there, but I'mwilling to do the work and I'd
like to try is at least a start,absolutely.
Brad Aldrich (16:32):
And I will say if you hear your spouse saying
those kind of words, it is superimportant that we listen to
them and we go oh yeah, I wantto be a part of that too and I
want to work on things and meetthem there, because that's just
step.
One is saying let's work onsomething.
If you are saying that andyou're saying we and you're
(16:56):
trying to figure out how youtogether can get to change, and
your partner is not meeting youthere, refuses to for one reason
or another, then it is time toput up some boundaries.
Kate Aldrich (17:14):
And you say boundaries, what does that mean?
I mean, obviously it'sdifferent for a couple.
Brad Aldrich (17:19):
Sure it is, you can't prescribe one set of
boundaries.
Kate Aldrich (17:22):
Here's the boundary that you say right.
Brad Aldrich (17:25):
It is saying in essence, I really want this.
I want us to go to thiscoaching together or this
counseling together.
I want us to work on thistogether.
I want us to do this.
So you outline the ways thatyou want to engage the person
and you say this is reallyimportant to me.
(17:48):
Why, right?
And then you say you know, ifyou can't meet me there, then
I'm going to take steps in theother direction meet me there,
then I'm going to take steps inthe other direction.
Now, eventually, that might meanyou know what we're going to
(18:08):
live separated for a time, orwe're actually going to separate
for a time.
It might mean saying you knowsomething where there is a I'm
not doing X because we're notmoving towards each other.
So I know we came like this isthe kind of polar opposite of
where we were on, like just didI choose the wrong person Right.
(18:34):
But this is actually reallyimportant to say, because I
don't think it's about choosingthe wrong person Right.
How many people do we know whofelt like their first marriage
ended because they chose thewrong person?
Then they ended that marriage,they went out back in the dating
(18:54):
field and they picked the samefreaking person again.
It may be in a different bodyor a different, little bit
different style in a differentbody.
Well, okay, they didn't actuallypick the actual same person
again.
Kate Aldrich (19:09):
They, they pick but we do know people.
That's happened too, but wewon't get.
That's a whole nother thing.
Um, but yeah I, there arereasons we pick who we pick, and
there's more to be learnedthere than going out and finding
someone different.
Brad Aldrich (19:27):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (19:28):
And to realize not only is that something to learn
about ourselves, but it alsocan be a beautiful process of
this space, something like Bradand I being the safest space
that you have.
And and I mean you guys knowour story.
If you've been listening to ourpodcast or reading our blog
(19:51):
from a million years ago, likeyou know that we went through
some really crazy stuff andnavigated it and, you know,
became each other's safe space.
It doesn't always just happenbecause you want it to correct,
because you have good thoughtsand you're like, oh, I really
love this person.
(20:11):
Sure, in the beginning, that'show most people enter marriage
not all, but most correct and II do think also there's this
space of like, the question oftrauma and which trauma is worse
.
And when you have a volatilemarriage and volatile doesn't
always mean it has to be loudand in people's faces but when
(20:34):
it's harming both the husbandand the wife and the kids that
are around, but when it'sharming both the husband and the
wife and the kids that arearound, if there is family, it
does become a question of likeokay, which trauma is causing
the most trauma?
Brad Aldrich (20:48):
at this, point, absolutely, absolutely, and I
sincerely believe that the anger, the blowups, the things that
we end up going to, or thatnobody talks to each other for
days on end Frozen.
Kate Aldrich (21:03):
Yeah Right, Mom and dad sit at the table, but
we'll talk to you but not toeach other, like it doesn't
always have to look like anger.
Brad Aldrich (21:10):
No.
Kate Aldrich (21:11):
You can look like a lot of interesting things.
Brad Aldrich (21:14):
And you know, just on this side note, like I've
said this often, I do notbelieve that, hey, we should
have a whole huge argument infront of your kids, but
arguments do sometimes happen infront of your kids.
And that is an opportunity toactually show them that repair
happens too right.
(21:34):
So if an argument starts infront of your kids, it's not
like this is horrendous andyou're scarring them for life.
You're actually teaching themthat hey, adults, married adults
, disagree at times and we'regoing to be okay, and let them
see that repair happens.
That is a huge, healthy lesson.
The anger that you're talkingabout is so much different than
(21:56):
that.
Kate Aldrich (21:57):
Right and we want to acknowledge there are parts
where boundaries need to come inplace I think that's the way we
would say it when it's becomeunhealthy or toxic to a point
where one or more people are notworking on themselves.
It's really hard to give you adefinition Correct, because it
(22:21):
looks so different, it's sodifferent for each one, for
every couple.
Brad Aldrich (22:25):
But basically, whenever I've done this with a
person who is trying to getchange to happen in their
marriage, what I've recommendedis the visual of yes, you're
putting up a wall and you wantto be very clear about what's
outside of that wall, what'sinside that wall, what's okay
still and what's not okay.
(22:47):
So, where the wall goes.
But equally important tocommunicate is where's the gate,
what is the way that they canengage, change right, like be
very specific and saying I, youknow, until you're to this place
of saying absolutely not, I'mdone, you know, engaging it as a
(23:09):
way of saying this is the pathin order to move forward.
I need you to stop talking tothat other person and I need us
to go to counseling together.
I will schedule a time as soonas you tell me that you're
willing to do that.
Right, so you're putting up theboundary of I want no
engagement with this otherperson, you know, and this is
(23:32):
the path forward.
Right, and trying to be clearwhere those boundaries are.
Kate Aldrich (23:38):
And just to be clear, we're also not just
saying this is only insituations where you're
obviously bringing someone elseinto your marriage in a way
that's totally inappropriate,but it can happen over not
having those issues.
And I think, of course,biblically, many people feel
like if that happens, they knowwhat the Bible says and so then
(24:04):
they know what is available tothem.
But I think actually, thesituations that are harder when
that's not happening.
You know, and you said in thebeginning, which I wanted to
kind of come back around to likesit with your pastor, which I
wanted to kind of come backaround to like sit with your
pastor, do so.
But I would also caveat it with, like, if you start hearing
(24:24):
something that says just put upwith it, just give grace, that's
concerning right, and I'm notsaying grace isn't a real thing.
We wouldn't.
You know, obviously, brad, andI believe you wouldn't be here
without it Grace is not being adoormat and allowing someone to
do not okay things.
(24:45):
So like, just know, if you havethis check in your spirit where
your pastor's saying somethingand encouraging something that
you're not sure is really theway it should be, like, seek out
other people, get otheropinions, it's okay to do so.
Brad Aldrich (25:04):
Yeah, I 100% agree , and I think all too often
women specifically have beentold by pastors you just have to
deal with badly behaving menand that's crappy.
Kate Aldrich (25:21):
I think sometimes as well, men are told that.
I do realize and want toacknowledge.
I feel like it's more womenthat are told that, but I don't
want to make it sound likethere's never been a husband.
Brad Aldrich (25:31):
That's been told to put up with it or whatever.
No, it's there.
Kate Aldrich (25:36):
Those aren't the right conversations to be having
.
If you're going and sharingwhere you're at and things are
really bad and boundaries areneeded, and a pastor is saying,
just put up with it, that's ared flag.
Brad Aldrich (25:48):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (25:50):
No matter who is expressing it.
Brad Aldrich (25:52):
I haven't seen the statistics on this for a while.
I could look them back up.
But I know in the past I sawstatistics on what happens if a
wife is diagnosed with a seriousmental illness that the divorce
rates are very high in thenineties percent high
Interesting when, if a husbandis diagnosed with a serious
(26:14):
mental illness, divorce ratesare actually lower than normal.
Okay, right, no, but I know,but this is, this is.
This is the culture that westill live in.
Right, this is, this is theculture, culture that we still
live, in right, so it.
It is this place that it isn'tdirectly fair.
(26:35):
Yeah, no, but I I also want tosay in that, like it is okay to
have boundaries and go, thiskind of behavior is not okay.
Alcoholism, you know?
Mental health that's not beingtreated.
Somebody's not getting help,right like that.
That's not being treated.
Somebody who's not getting helpright Like that's.
that's not okay.
You don't have to live withthat.
Um, you know, there's certainlyother things that fall in this
(26:59):
category that say, hey, this isa problem.
My encouragement is to get pastthe top of the iceberg.
Right, because it's not aboutwe never spend any time together
.
It is more about some of theseother deeper things, right, and
the reality is, if you're atthis place of we never spend any
(27:21):
time together, that is arelationship thing, that's a
couple thing, because spendingtime together means both of you
have to be pursuing that in apositive way.
Right, because there are plentyof times I've seen people who
say you never spend time with me, but they are prickly, they're
(27:43):
a cactus.
What's wrong with that?
So why do you want to spendtime with a cactus?
Right?
Like, so like.
We do have to look at bothsides of these things, and
that's why so many of thesethings are relationship driven,
and we truly believe that if acouple comes going, we want to
change, we want to grow.
There are so many things we canovercome.
Kate Aldrich (28:03):
Sure yeah.
Brad Aldrich (28:04):
And that's what we were trying to express in our
last one.
I think this is more about.
Sometimes it's time to say weneed to change.
Kate Aldrich (28:16):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (28:17):
And it's okay.
Kate Aldrich (28:18):
And it's okay to say that to your spouse in a
kind way.
And if you're not met withwanting to do that as well, that
cannot be that way forever.
No, if you're not met withwanting to do that as well,
there there's like that.
That cannot be that way forever, no, like.
And I would say that to thespouses out there who just, for
whatever reason and I do havecompassion, I do believe it's
(28:40):
story related where you, youdon't want to engage, you don't
want to work on anything, you'reafraid to whatever is behind it
I just want to say like thisthis is a perfect, beautiful
opportunity in a safe space tofigure some of this out, and I
get that it doesn't feel safe,but the reality is, if you
(29:01):
continue on in otherrelationships like this, it's
still gonna look like this yeah.
And that's that's what we'rereally trying to say with the
whole.
Did I marry the wrong person?
Well, the reality is it's goingto happen again.
If you seek out otherrelationships, what I love to
see is couples engaging in that,because it's actually a really
(29:23):
beautiful process and beautifulthing, especially when people
have history right.
You know you can say I'll dothe next relationship better,
and that's great, but why not dothis relationship better?
Right, right, be.
I get it.
It takes a brave person to dothat, but I believe that you can
(29:45):
, and that's obviously again ina situation where everyone is
safe.
Brad Aldrich (29:50):
It's safe.
But I do believe and I see itall the time that when couples
work through their broken placestogether, they end up stronger.
On the other side whenadmitting defeat, on the other
(30:14):
side where admitting defeatsaying we're done.
Moving on has a cost toeverybody involved.
So we just take that veryseriously and say, hey, is there
things that two people can doto come together and work
through the broken places?
Because we all have thosewounds, we all have that wounded
heart and we need to come toplaces of healing together and
(30:36):
vulnerability together, and ifwe can get there, I think we can
actually see a tremendousstrength on the other side.
Kate Aldrich (30:46):
However, if that isn't possible, it's also
understandable.
You know that if workingthrough that is not safe anymore
, not safe for the kids, likethat kind of thing is just
putting a whole ton of trauma inyour lives.
We also understand thatboundaries need to be put up and
(31:10):
divorce is a boundary.
I mean, hopefully you don'tstart with divorce, because if
that that shows that we haven'tactually had those conversations
previously, if we go right todivorce, um, but being able to
say, hey, if, if you're notgoing to work on this, then
we're going to move towardsother things and seeing how that
plays out.
Brad Aldrich (31:31):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (31:32):
And then moving forward from there.
Brad Aldrich (31:35):
I agree.
Kate Aldrich (31:36):
I agree?
Well, of course you do, becauseyou're talking to me.
Brad Aldrich (31:39):
So I think that was a really good maybe filler
of what we missed the first goaround.
Kate Aldrich (31:47):
I hope so.
Yeah, cause we didn't.
Brad Aldrich (31:49):
we did not mean to just leave it so short sighted
but and we don't mean to implythat you've got to stick it out
no matter what and be miserableand that somehow that's a better
thing than getting divorcedit's not.
That's not at all.
Kate Aldrich (32:05):
Right.
So the divorce isn't alwaysnecessarily the better either.
Brad Aldrich (32:09):
It really is in, you know it's just so
complicated and so yes, but wedid not mean to make it sound so
blanket so here's the thing weactually would love to hear from
you on this topic or any of ourtopics.
If you're listening and you go,man, man, I disagree with that.
Kate Aldrich (32:28):
This is actually one of the things Contact Brad.
He loves to talk aboutdisagreements.
It's his favorite.
Brad Aldrich (32:33):
It's probably one of the things that I think is
most challenging betweenpodcasting and when we used to
blog.
When we used to blog, there wasa very immediate comment
section.
We'd have a long discussions inthe comments and um podcasts.
Don't really have that yeah butwe do have people send us
(32:54):
questions.
Um, there is a number there.
You can text us questions.
We cannot reply to those texts,but we do listen to them and or
read them, and then sometimeswe'll make a podcast about it.
Or you can email us at help atstillbecomingone all spelled out
(33:15):
dot com, and we would love tohear from you and hear where you
push back and if you've gotquestions for us.
If you're like man, I'd loveyou to tackle this topic.
If you'd love to argue with uson how we said something, I'd
love to hear it, and we mightjust do it in a future episode.
Kate Aldrich (33:36):
Because we like that.
Brad Aldrich (33:38):
Absolutely.
We always want to hear yourideas.
So thanks so much.
We are so happy that we got tokeep talking about some of this
and we have some really greatideas for episodes coming up,
and I know we're gonna tackle alot of really important
relationship and marriage thingsin the next several weeks, so
(34:00):
yeah great.
Well, until next time, I'm bradaldrich and I'm kate aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (34:05):
Be kind and take care of each other.
Brad Aldrich (34:11):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom Forpodcast show notes and links to
resources in all of our socialmedia.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(34:36):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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