March 12, 2025 • 34 mins
What defines family in today's complex world? We dive into the often misleading notion that blood is thicker than water, encouraging listeners to reflect on the diverse definitions of family.
We can seek to maintain loyalty to family while navigating the complexities of emotional needs in life. However, there's more to "family" than biological ties. We explore how a chosen family can sometimes be your strongest support system, emphasizing the importance of those connections in your personal growth and happiness. Deep connections formed with friends can provide the support and love typically attributed to familial bonds.
Brad and Kate invite you to consider who you regard as family and how those relationships impact your life. If you've ever felt frustrated by familial ties, this episode is for you. Join us as we discuss embracing your whole support system and redefining what family means to you.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Good morning everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Yeah, well, you gave away what time we're doing
this.
Brad Aldrich (00:38):
Oh, yes, I did say morning.
Kate Aldrich (00:40):
Darn it, I suppose because we're feeling it, but
it's morning.
Brad Aldrich (00:44):
It is, it is, but it's morning.
It is, it is, but it's okay,I've got my coffee.
Kate Aldrich (00:49):
I have my London fog.
Yes, we're in a warm room.
It is so you did take me awayfrom my fireplace that you were
like I made a fire, but thenwe're not in the room with the
fireplace Sadness.
Brad Aldrich (01:00):
I can't help that.
That's not where we can recordI can't help that.
Kate Aldrich (01:03):
That's not where we can record Bummer Yep, okay,
so how are we this morning?
Brad Aldrich (01:09):
I'm doing all right.
Kate Aldrich (01:10):
Yeah, we're checking in, because we haven't
checked in yet.
Brad Aldrich (01:14):
It was a little bit more relaxed weekend than
we've had in a couple, so it wasnice.
Yeah, I think it was for you.
I was getting caught up on workI hadn't done.
Yeah, that's true, but it wasnice.
Kate Aldrich (01:21):
Yeah, I think it was for you.
I was getting caught up on workI hadn't done yeah that's true,
but it was still nice, becausewe were just hanging out.
Brad Aldrich (01:31):
We weren't having to do a ton of things.
So, we are doing well andchecking up.
How often do you guys check upon each other?
I don't know.
That's an interesting question.
It's something we ask ourclients a lot of times is how
often do you guys actually talk?
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (01:50):
Yeah, we do it daily, but sometimes we do it
like this.
In front of you.
And sometimes with clients.
They'll say how are you guys?
And we?
Brad Aldrich (01:59):
look at each other and we're like how are we?
Kate Aldrich (02:01):
So we probably could work on when we're doing
it, but you know we're fittingit in, that's right.
So yeah, I mean, we wouldn't dothat, obviously, if we weren't
in a good space.
Brad Aldrich (02:11):
We could say there are some interesting dynamics
about working together, workingfrom home in the same space,
that I think are an interestingchallenge, challenge for couples
I don't know what you mean Imean.
One of them for me is there'smuch less set times of when I'm
(02:35):
working, when I'm not working,like it and it's harder to tell
the difference because, I'malways home, right Like.
So I think there's a little bitless like.
Okay, I'm off work right now.
It doesn't get announced Likethere's no, you know sign.
Kate Aldrich (02:53):
You could like go out the back door come in the
front door.
I'm home.
Yeah, that would be bizarre.
Brad Aldrich (02:59):
And based on my schedule.
I often like come home in likethe afternoon and then go back
to work in the evening.
So, like that air quoted comehome.
Kate Aldrich (03:09):
As if everybody on the podcast could see that yeah
, um, yeah, we've definitely hadto work through different
dynamics.
You are I'm like, oh, this isfun, we're home all day together
.
Brad needs to be undisturbedfor the day, so it's been a
discipline for me to undisturb.
Brad Aldrich (03:27):
My ADHD cannot handle Kate's random train of
thoughts all the time.
Wow, so yes, that is true.
Kate Aldrich (03:38):
It's not only that's my own ADHD actually.
So I just have lots of thoughtsthat pop in there and I think
probably Brad really wants toknow them.
Brad Aldrich (03:48):
I of course, want to know them.
It's just that my hyper focuswhen I get it turned on gets
turned off really easily andthen.
I don't finish what I started,I feel like I've been doing a
good job.
Kate Aldrich (04:01):
I don't come in anymore to your office, like
I've been doing a good job.
I don't come in anymore to youroffice unless I'm supposed to
be here and I just have myrandom train of thoughts out in
my space by myself.
Brad Aldrich (04:13):
And sometimes I get long text.
It's okay.
Kate Aldrich (04:20):
Oh my goodness.
But that's not usually myrandom train of thoughts.
Those are like legit questionsthat I don't want to forget.
Brad Aldrich (04:28):
But I've apparently been, or items in the
thrift store One or the other.
Kate Aldrich (04:34):
I don't usually go thrifting while you're working,
though that's not true.
Oh, I guess maybe in theevening, now and then.
So, yes, my bestie friend and Ilove to go thrifting and we're
actually talking about who'syour family today.
So she's definitely our family,but, um, but it wouldn't be
during the work day, but itwould more be evenings, correct
(04:56):
I?
Do feel like he needs to seethe randomness of some creepy
things out there and okay sosorry maybe you should learn to
put your phone on.
Brad Aldrich (05:07):
Do not disturb yes , I absolutely do it's.
It's set to automatically umfor me.
When I'm in a zoom, it itautomatically do not disturbs,
but it's when I'm not in a zoom.
When I'm working on somethingelse it's not, and it comes like
woohoo.
Okay, yeah, this is crazy.
Kate Aldrich (05:27):
Okay, in the future.
You know I'm learning, guys,I'll take pictures, and then you
can have a slideshowpresentation when I get home.
Brad Aldrich (05:34):
Oh that, I would like that, that would be great
you would not here's the reality, I get to have the commentary,
then most times items, mosttimes insanity most times when I
say, did you check that out?
Kate Aldrich (05:48):
he's like, uh, I didn't look yet, so like I'm not
sure you'd like the slideshowpresentation getting in trouble
here this morning.
Brad Aldrich (05:55):
Okay, I think I think we're going around and so,
okay, we were just having fun,we are so we actually wanted to
talk today about a topic that abunch of our clients have talked
about recently.
I think it's coming out of theholidays and starting just to
realize some maybe longer termfrustration of dealing with a
(06:23):
family who have not really donetheir work.
Kate Aldrich (06:29):
What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich (06:31):
So you know, as people are exploring
relationships and as people aregrowing in their relationships,
it's often a place where theywant to go deeper with people,
that they want to doreconciliation, that they want
to do repair.
Kate Aldrich (06:48):
Or they want to do things differently, or they
want to do things differently.
Brad Aldrich (06:53):
And when their family members siblings, parents
, etc.
Can't meet them there.
I think there's often a levelof frustration there's often a
level of frustration.
Kate Aldrich (07:08):
Well, it does become.
How do I do it differently withjust me?
Yeah, Because that's hard.
That's a hard thing to figureout and it's something we talk
about in story work, or I dowith my story work clients all
the time.
What does that then potentiallylook like?
Brad Aldrich (07:24):
yeah, well, and most of us grew up with some
level of the idiom being sharedof blood is thicker than water
meaning.
You know, I can't say I everheard my parents use that, so
I'm not going to say like it wassomething I was taught directly
(07:45):
, but it was certainly somethingI picked up and I think to me
as a kid.
Kate Aldrich (07:50):
Well, extrapolate that some more, like I think
it's more parents saying likeyour family comes first.
Brad Aldrich (07:55):
Your family comes first right.
Kate Aldrich (07:56):
In devotion or in like.
Brad Aldrich (07:59):
Loyalty.
Kate Aldrich (08:00):
Yeah, loyalty, sticking up for your family Like
.
I remember hearing thatpressure about my siblings.
Brad Aldrich (08:07):
Yeah, absolutely.
I think that's exactly what itkind of was meant is.
I think in my family what I gotwas any family stresses, family
problems stay here.
Kate Aldrich (08:23):
Oh yeah, that wasn't necessarily in mine.
I think it was more the loyaltylike your, your siblings and
your parents will always be yoursiblings and parents.
True statement, um, so like wedon't value friendships or other
things over that over that,that they have to come first in
order.
Yeah, yeah, I yeah, I think so.
Brad Aldrich (08:45):
I mean, and I'm going to say this is not a
message that I really remembermy parents ever teaching
directly.
It was more caught right Likeso some of it was.
Kate Aldrich (08:58):
An undercurrent.
Brad Aldrich (08:59):
Yeah, the undercurrent, and some of it was
like.
I remember times of beingdisciplined, being yelled at and
the phone rings and then all ofa sudden, picking up the phone,
the attitude totally changes100%.
Kate Aldrich (09:13):
So what are you saying that points to.
Brad Aldrich (09:15):
Like what's going on here.
Oh, doesn't get, Can't gooutside anywhere right Same
thing like heading to church.
I'm in trouble all the way tochurch but we walk in the door
and everyone puts a smile on andwe have to be the happy,
perfect family.
I remember having thoseexperiences.
Kate Aldrich (09:36):
See, we didn't go to church as a family, but when
our kids were little.
I remember feeling thatpressure, but you and I were
much more transparent.
Brad Aldrich (09:43):
Whatever we're here, what are you complaining
about?
Kate Aldrich (09:46):
Well, no, we were just like we didn't feel the
need to walk in and act likeeverything was okay.
I don't think we also keptgoing, so there was a level of
stopping the conversation or theconflict.
Brad Aldrich (10:01):
Right.
So I think that pressure isthere for a lot of people Like I
have to be loyal to my family.
I have to figure out this withmy family.
I can't let things come in theway of my family.
Kate Aldrich (10:15):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (10:16):
And certainly when we work with premarital couples
.
This is something we talk abouta lot, as there's a shifting
loyalty and dynamic that somereally struggle with.
Kate Aldrich (10:28):
Yeah, for sure, it's definitely varied degrees,
but I don't think we've ever hada premarital couple where one
of the couple, like the family,is completely cut off right.
There's loyalty no matter what,even if they come to us saying
like, things with my family arehard, they're not really good,
(10:49):
they're not really easy.
We don't see them a lot, butit's.
I don't think we've everactually no, cannot completely
cut off.
Brad Aldrich (10:56):
I think sometimes the harder stress is actually
the opposite, where one personhas a really close relationship
with their family and the othermaybe less so, and they're
trying to figure out what that'sgoing to look like afterwards.
Kate Aldrich (11:14):
Right, right, I think what I was saying there is
.
It speaks to the naturalloyalty that we feel inside of
us towards our family, no matterwhat.
Brad Aldrich (11:23):
And I think we need to say that, like from the
top, we're not suggesting thatthat should change.
I think that loyalty isGod-given.
I think that loyalty I mean wesee it in the Ten Commandments
and in traditions that say weneed to honor our father and
mother, and there is some placesin our core that we would not
(11:49):
be who we are, whether we lookat it genetics, whether we look
at it environmentally we wouldnot be who we are if it was not
for our parents.
Sure.
And so there is some loyalty ofthis person gave me life or was
a part of giving me life.
Kate Aldrich (12:09):
Yeah, or raising me because we have stories where
, Well, I think those are twodifferent things, right True.
Some people have more than oneset of parents, correct?
Brad Aldrich (12:18):
Right.
So I think there is thatnatural, healthy, good loyalty
that we need to wrestle withwhat does it mean?
Yeah, At the same time, one ofthe things I love to point out
is that we've misquoted theblood is thicker than water,
(12:39):
idiom for well, ever.
Kate Aldrich (12:43):
I have to be honest, I've never really
thought that saying was great,but anyways, keep going.
Brad Aldrich (12:47):
So yeah, I mean, but it's out there right, it is
strange, and I think it's beenmade to say all the time.
You know exactly what you weresaying your blood has to come
first, right when what the quoteactually says is the blood of
the covenant is thicker than thewater of the womb, than the
(13:17):
water of the womb.
So what it really means is kindof reflecting the Genesis verse
of you will leave your fatherand mother form a covenant with
somebody, and that will bethicker than anything else, that
you will leave your family forthem, right?
And so it's actually talkingabout how our choice covenants
with others are stronger thanour family covenants, and that
(13:39):
is not at all what it's come tomean out in society.
Kate Aldrich (13:44):
Yeah, yeah, that's very interesting.
Brad Aldrich (14:15):
I think it's something that we need to at
least wrestle with, because youknow I think in today's day and
age, based on how often we moveaway from you know, miles and
miles away from their biologicalfamily that one of the things
that I see as growing and as apositive growing is really
identifying people who are yourfamily.
Kate Aldrich (14:24):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (14:26):
And bringing in the aunts and uncles and cousins
and you know who are notbiologically aunts and uncles
and cousins and you know who arenot biologically aunts and
uncles and cousins right, we'vedefinitely done that in our
family, but I think for somepeople that's that's strange,
odd, feels disloyal to yourfamily.
I don't know, I and it wassomething that wasn't, and it
(14:48):
was something that wasn't thatdone in my family growing up.
I had one set of that that Ihad when I was younger.
Kate Aldrich (15:00):
Okay, Did you have some growing up that were not
vile?
Yeah, my parents did like withtheir closest friends.
We grew up calling them auntand uncle.
Brad Aldrich (15:13):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (15:13):
So there was that.
I don't feel like that was anyother relationships, and it was
basically those people who werein our lives when we were really
young, I think, because it wasalways like, how do you refer to
them Back?
Then it would have been.
Weird to say Mr and Mrs, butyou also couldn't use their
(15:34):
first name right, couldn't usetheir first name, so we always
called them aunt or uncle, sothat was really common.
So I grew up with that bestfriend kind of mentality from my
family.
But that was about, that wasabout it yeah, and I think it.
Brad Aldrich (15:50):
I mean, I don't think we ever really talked
about you know, are we doingthat with our family or whatever
it just became?
Kate Aldrich (15:56):
very natural.
It did you mean with ourfriends?
Brad Aldrich (16:01):
Yeah, with our friends to kind of you know
special friends, including themas that.
Kate Aldrich (16:08):
Yep exactly.
And vice versa, like we haveseveral friends who've included
us as um you know, as aunt anduncle right well, and to the
point where, like I know some ofour kids, like they actually
think that, right, these are myaunts and uncles.
Right, I mean, they knowthey're not blood related like
(16:30):
they do understand that, butlike them, it is an aunt or an
uncle.
They have taken that space andfulfilled that role.
Brad Aldrich (16:37):
Yeah, really, yeah , and so Well, and it's
interesting, the other year whenI was teaching an intro to
psych class, I had the kids do agenogram which is kind of a
family tree map of your familytree genogram which is kind of a
family tree map of your familytree.
And I said I talked a littlebit about this and said, hey,
(16:57):
like if you have people who aresignificantly important in your
life and in your family that youwant to add, that you know
don't have a branch, you cangraft a branch on right and just
put them there and see whatthat that is.
And a few people did add some umthat were, you know,
significant in their, in theirlife.
(17:17):
But I think that is a almostthis odd thing of like okay,
wait, how?
How are these people in myfamily?
Kate Aldrich (17:26):
right, and how will my family take that I did
that?
That's an interesting thoughtyeah, and I and I know for you
like too, there's also some.
There also can be some shiftingwithin the family, like I know
for you.
You have one relative we'lljust keep it generic who like.
(17:50):
The place that that person isand how you feel about them is
much closer than what, sure?
Brad Aldrich (17:59):
absolutely no, absolutely, and um, yeah, I
don't have a biological brother,but I do right like.
So there I can.
I can say Um, and I think thatis a significant um thing for me
and my relationship and um, Ithink even healing um for me and
(18:23):
just seeing healthy familyrelationships.
Kate Aldrich (18:27):
Yeah, for sure, and I think, like um, I know,
for me, I consider I have two, Ihave a group of really close
friends, but then there are twoin my life that I consider to be
like my sisters, like therelationship that we have is
what I've always hoped that Icould have with siblings and
(18:50):
please know I honor my siblingswherever they are and whatever
they're doing.
I've always tried to respectright where they're at.
But it doesn't necessarily meanthat we're in the physical
proximity close to each otherand that, as we talked about in
the beginning, I think we're atdifferent places in our journeys
(19:12):
in life and our healing and itmakes relationships and we have
a parent who is in the middle ofthose it makes relationships
complicated.
They're complex.
Brad Aldrich (19:23):
Complex is a good way to put it.
Kate Aldrich (19:24):
It's not good or bad, it's complex, it's not
simple and I definitely feellike that my family is in that
space.
Brad Aldrich (19:33):
So you're going back to the original thesis idea
and going like these otherfamily members don't replace
your family, but they certainlydo add to them.
Kate Aldrich (19:48):
Exactly.
Yeah, no, I don't think they.
I think if we're replacing,unless someone's like not on
earth anymore, I could seesomeone taking that place, so to
speak.
I think if we're replacing, weprobably need to have
conversations about that,because that speaks to some
things.
Has said it's okay to replacecertain places but not others.
Brad Aldrich (20:18):
So, for instance, we readily accept the role of a
stepmom and a stepdad as apartial, and sometimes full
replacement of that parent, sure.
And yet we somehow don't acceptyou know friends or you know
significant relationships inthose ways as a replacement of
(20:42):
you know siblings or extendedfamily or that kind of thing.
Kate Aldrich (20:45):
Yeah, Well, I was actually just thinking like I
grew up also with a person whowas considered like another
grandparent to me, and thiswould have been my mom, someone
who was just significant in herlife, in her teenage years, and
I have no idea.
(21:05):
My grandmother was asignificant like.
My actual grandmother was asignificant person in my life
until she passed away in 2005.
And I never felt like there wasanimosity Like they didn't.
We didn't necessarily do thingstogether.
They were very different people.
Brad Aldrich (21:23):
Interesting.
Kate Aldrich (21:24):
But like I almost grew up, my mom always said
she's like a second mom to meand I didn't call her that.
My parents made up some namethat I don't know where it came
from or quite understand it, butfor her that was like a term of
endearment.
And but if we're going to behonest, this is an interesting
term of endearment.
(21:45):
There's a, my family did thatwith food, like they made up
their own names about things.
Anyways, side note, so I didgrow up with that.
I was just thinking about thatbecause we were talking about
aunts and uncles, but I did growup with that and honoring her
as another grandmother, so tospeak.
It wasn't quite the same, but Ithink for my mom it was.
(22:07):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (22:08):
Yeah, I think that's really interesting.
Yeah, I, I think that's reallyinteresting and I think that
does speak to why it was maybe alittle bit easier for you to
move into this realm ofsignificant friends.
Being that place of aunt anduncle is typically what we've
done everybody's kind of family.
Kate Aldrich (22:24):
I mean not everybody not everybody, no,
it's.
It is a there is differences,allowing people into that circle
doesn't feel strange to me andI think to you.
Brad Aldrich (22:34):
Sometimes it does I it can, um it can, but I think
it is something that I've cometo enjoy and embrace as um, as a
positive, and I mean we've saidthis before, I think we've said
it on the podcast before of youknow, as parenting has gotten
(22:54):
hard sometimes, we recognizethat we have the need of having
a outside third parent sometimes, that can help us and that's
one of the kids' aunts, thekids' aunts, and being able to
be a stress relief but also tobe a support, can be really
(23:18):
essential.
Kate Aldrich (23:20):
Yeah, yeah, she, yes, and I think that that has
been instrumental in our livesand I hope that we return the
favor for her and I can'timagine our kids not growing up
like when they come home fromcollege, they can't wait to see.
Her is something we've adoptedand I so appreciate it because
(23:45):
she has the bandwidth and she islocal.
That really does change right,so she's close by.
But, yeah, I think those peoplebecome your family and I do
also think there is a similarlevel going back to your thesis,
apparently I'm like, wow, thatsounds so official.
(24:07):
There is a similar level ofworking on ourselves with that
person in our lives that we'reable to kind of join in that way
.
I'm not saying that it's badthat other people aren't at that
level, but we've also been ableto, I think, have confidence in
(24:28):
that for both of us.
Because, she kind of sees us as,I guess, parent number two and
three.
She's a single mom.
So yeah, like we seem to be onthe same journey or the same
spot in our journeys.
Brad Aldrich (24:44):
I you know I want to go maybe a slightly different
way with this, because one ofthe conversations, you're
abandoning the thesis.
Kate Aldrich (24:51):
No, not at all.
Brad Aldrich (24:52):
One of the conversations I've been having
with guys lately is thechallenge around male friendship
and that so many men that Ispeak to are hungry, are really,
really desiring deeper malefriendships and yet they really
(25:15):
struggle to have them.
And some of it we understandright Like.
As men.
Our priorities often I'm notsaying this is across the board,
but often is, you know, familyfirst, work second, you know all
the things that need to getdone third, and then somewhere
(25:37):
in there is time for ourselves,which might include some time
for friends, right Like.
So I think for men it's quite abit down the list of priorities
when we get to friends often.
Kate Aldrich (25:50):
Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich (25:51):
So I think that's one of the consequences, but I
also do think there is thisplace where male friendship.
I was talking with somebodyrecently and I said like it is
hard for men to get past thefootball level of friendship.
Kate Aldrich (26:12):
Are we talking about American football or
European football?
Brad Aldrich (26:15):
It really doesn't matter in this case, because
it's the we can talk about.
You know something like sportsor a hobby or something, and we
can know all the things aboutthat hobby.
We can do the hobby together,we can enjoy that hobby together
, but we don't actually knowmuch about each other's lives.
That's odd, well, but that'smen right, I know.
(26:39):
I'm just teasing and we focusand it's almost this catalyst
for connection, but it alsokeeps us from connection.
Kate Aldrich (26:48):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (26:49):
So it's this entry point into it, but it's also
this thing that keeps ushonestly surface level.
And here you know, you're.
Most of those significantrelationships, family-level
(27:09):
relationships, have come fromyour friends which you've
cultivated and built.
Those relationships, Mespecifically.
Kate Aldrich (27:17):
Oh, Thanks, I think.
Brad Aldrich (27:20):
No, and I mean that I think that is a
significant but you've been opento it.
Kate Aldrich (27:25):
The key is thrifting thrift with your guy
friends I don't think that wouldwork.
Brad Aldrich (27:32):
How do you?
Kate Aldrich (27:32):
know check it out see it see if it might.
Okay, I mean, I do honor.
They're different.
We've talked about some of thecultural differences,
differences of why that is um,yeah, I'm, it's interesting to
watch because women just haveculturally been allowed to, yeah
(27:56):
, go deep quick, and I do thinksome of that is difference in
how the lord has um, designed uslike.
There are some, but then someof it is very much cultural,
yeah, because, yeah, over theyears you can see ebbs and flows
in that area.
Brad Aldrich (28:15):
But okay, and I think, yes, go deep quick is
very, very true.
I will look, though, also overthe course of our life and say
most of my deeper friendships assoon as distance or family
(28:35):
stuff changed, having kids orsomething like that changed,
those priorities shifted, and somost of my deeper male
connections and relationshipswere for a time and look, I'm
not saying that in negative, Ithink some friendships are just
for a season, for a time.
And that's okay, but I thinkthat is many times more the case
(29:00):
in male friendships, or maybeI'm just looking at myself
friendships, or maybe I'm justlooking at myself and that I
think many times guys struggleto take the time that's needed
to actually foster thoserelationships and, as you said,
it can be a challenge withschedules.
Kate Aldrich (29:19):
I mean, I think when our kids were younger, we
made the decision for me to stayhome.
So then there was because wewere in a neighborhood
environment, there were moreopportunities for me to chat
with people, that kind of thing.
So, yes, I can definitely seethat.
I do know now working I don'tknow part-time, three quarters
(29:44):
of the time, I don't know whatwe'd call it, but being a
working mom and I have highschoolers, it is more like you
do have to be more intentional.
Yeah, and it probably is higherup on my list than it is for
you.
Brad Aldrich (29:59):
Right right.
Kate Aldrich (30:00):
Well, and it doesn't help that probably one
of your best friends and yourrelative doesn't live near us.
Brad Aldrich (30:07):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (30:07):
So there's that, and I think our third parent,
who we have said, gets thatdistinguished honor.
You know we do a lot of hangingout with her and you totally
love that, but I think there issomething where guys want guy
(30:30):
relationships too, of course,and so, yeah, it's just all very
um complex.
Brad Aldrich (30:37):
We love that word complex.
Well, I think where you knowwhere we go with all of this
conversation is back to thethesis, friends.
I would really encourage you tothink through.
It's okay to think about whoyour family is and even inviting
people into that special space.
Kate Aldrich (30:57):
Do they know that you consider them family?
Brad Aldrich (31:01):
I think that could be a really meaningful
conversation, sometimes of justgoing like you are my family
right.
And inviting that in and saying, look, I know that might mean
that we can't do Thanksgiving onThanksgiving Day, but you are
my family, I want to have timewith you and having that
(31:25):
meaningful time that says thisis a significant relationship in
my life, I think can be areally growing thing for both
you in giving that, but also theperson receiving it.
Kate Aldrich (31:39):
Yeah, for sure, and I just think, thinking about
who your family is, community,all of that is important, it's
so important.
We can probably go furthersometime of like what do we do
when we find our actual familyand ourselves are not?
You know, we're just indifferent spaces, different
(32:02):
walks, different journeys, andthat is deeply impacting the
relationship.
Sure, different walks,different journeys, and that is
deeply impacting therelationship.
Sure, although, in my opinion,if you consider someone family,
then they don't just exit that.
Brad Aldrich (32:13):
No, that's right.
Kate Aldrich (32:15):
Our actual biological family doesn't, and
so to me, if they are family,then when there are hard things
conflict whatever, it should beconsidered that we're going to
figure this out.
We're not just going to breakthe relationship.
Brad Aldrich (32:32):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (32:32):
But that's so easy to do.
Brad Aldrich (32:34):
We certainly are going to keep talking about this
topic in how do we put upboundaries that help, but don't
just exclude, right.
Kate Aldrich (32:43):
Like I think there is that thing.
How do we seek relationshipwhen it is different and hard?
Brad Aldrich (32:48):
And how do we repair when things don't go well
?
So, those are all topics thatwe'll probably be getting into
this season, so looking forwardto spending some more time
talking about who's our familyand where do we go, as we're
growing and learning andchanging.
Kate Aldrich (33:09):
Yeah, we'd love to know.
You know what perspective youcome from and how your families
have your family has broughtthose people in or if that's
been hard.
Yeah, I'd be very curious tohear from different people all
over the world of how they havethought about and live this out
(33:33):
in their families.
Brad Aldrich (33:34):
Absolutely, that's great.
Well, we hope that you enjoyedthat conversation, got some
things thinking for you, and weare really excited to continue
this journey with you.
Until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (33:50):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (33:57):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(34:20):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts,
and be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on still
becoming one.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Good morning everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
Kate Aldrich (00:35):
Yeah, well, you gave away what time we're doing
this.
Brad Aldrich (00:38):
Oh, yes, I did say morning.
Kate Aldrich (00:40):
Darn it, I suppose because we're feeling it, but
it's morning.
Brad Aldrich (00:44):
It is, it is, but it's morning.
It is, it is, but it's okay,I've got my coffee.
Kate Aldrich (00:49):
I have my London fog.
Yes, we're in a warm room.
It is so you did take me awayfrom my fireplace that you were
like I made a fire, but thenwe're not in the room with the
fireplace Sadness.
Brad Aldrich (01:00):
I can't help that.
That's not where we can recordI can't help that.
Kate Aldrich (01:03):
That's not where we can record Bummer Yep, okay,
so how are we this morning?
Brad Aldrich (01:09):
I'm doing all right.
Kate Aldrich (01:10):
Yeah, we're checking in, because we haven't
checked in yet.
Brad Aldrich (01:14):
It was a little bit more relaxed weekend than
we've had in a couple, so it wasnice.
Yeah, I think it was for you.
I was getting caught up on workI hadn't done.
Yeah, that's true, but it wasnice.
Kate Aldrich (01:21):
Yeah, I think it was for you.
I was getting caught up on workI hadn't done yeah that's true,
but it was still nice, becausewe were just hanging out.
Brad Aldrich (01:31):
We weren't having to do a ton of things.
So, we are doing well andchecking up.
How often do you guys check upon each other?
I don't know.
That's an interesting question.
It's something we ask ourclients a lot of times is how
often do you guys actually talk?
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (01:50):
Yeah, we do it daily, but sometimes we do it
like this.
In front of you.
And sometimes with clients.
They'll say how are you guys?
And we?
Brad Aldrich (01:59):
look at each other and we're like how are we?
Kate Aldrich (02:01):
So we probably could work on when we're doing
it, but you know we're fittingit in, that's right.
So yeah, I mean, we wouldn't dothat, obviously, if we weren't
in a good space.
Brad Aldrich (02:11):
We could say there are some interesting dynamics
about working together, workingfrom home in the same space,
that I think are an interestingchallenge, challenge for couples
I don't know what you mean Imean.
One of them for me is there'smuch less set times of when I'm
(02:35):
working, when I'm not working,like it and it's harder to tell
the difference because, I'malways home, right Like.
So I think there's a little bitless like.
Okay, I'm off work right now.
It doesn't get announced Likethere's no, you know sign.
Kate Aldrich (02:53):
You could like go out the back door come in the
front door.
I'm home.
Yeah, that would be bizarre.
Brad Aldrich (02:59):
And based on my schedule.
I often like come home in likethe afternoon and then go back
to work in the evening.
So, like that air quoted comehome.
Kate Aldrich (03:09):
As if everybody on the podcast could see that yeah
, um, yeah, we've definitely hadto work through different
dynamics.
You are I'm like, oh, this isfun, we're home all day together
.
Brad needs to be undisturbedfor the day, so it's been a
discipline for me to undisturb.
Brad Aldrich (03:27):
My ADHD cannot handle Kate's random train of
thoughts all the time.
Wow, so yes, that is true.
Kate Aldrich (03:38):
It's not only that's my own ADHD actually.
So I just have lots of thoughtsthat pop in there and I think
probably Brad really wants toknow them.
Brad Aldrich (03:48):
I of course, want to know them.
It's just that my hyper focuswhen I get it turned on gets
turned off really easily andthen.
I don't finish what I started,I feel like I've been doing a
good job.
Kate Aldrich (04:01):
I don't come in anymore to your office, like
I've been doing a good job.
I don't come in anymore to youroffice unless I'm supposed to
be here and I just have myrandom train of thoughts out in
my space by myself.
Brad Aldrich (04:13):
And sometimes I get long text.
It's okay.
Kate Aldrich (04:20):
Oh my goodness.
But that's not usually myrandom train of thoughts.
Those are like legit questionsthat I don't want to forget.
Brad Aldrich (04:28):
But I've apparently been, or items in the
thrift store One or the other.
Kate Aldrich (04:34):
I don't usually go thrifting while you're working,
though that's not true.
Oh, I guess maybe in theevening, now and then.
So, yes, my bestie friend and Ilove to go thrifting and we're
actually talking about who'syour family today.
So she's definitely our family,but, um, but it wouldn't be
during the work day, but itwould more be evenings, correct
(04:56):
I?
Do feel like he needs to seethe randomness of some creepy
things out there and okay sosorry maybe you should learn to
put your phone on.
Brad Aldrich (05:07):
Do not disturb yes , I absolutely do it's.
It's set to automatically umfor me.
When I'm in a zoom, it itautomatically do not disturbs,
but it's when I'm not in a zoom.
When I'm working on somethingelse it's not, and it comes like
woohoo.
Okay, yeah, this is crazy.
Kate Aldrich (05:27):
Okay, in the future.
You know I'm learning, guys,I'll take pictures, and then you
can have a slideshowpresentation when I get home.
Brad Aldrich (05:34):
Oh that, I would like that, that would be great
you would not here's the reality, I get to have the commentary,
then most times items, mosttimes insanity most times when I
say, did you check that out?
Kate Aldrich (05:48):
he's like, uh, I didn't look yet, so like I'm not
sure you'd like the slideshowpresentation getting in trouble
here this morning.
Brad Aldrich (05:55):
Okay, I think I think we're going around and so,
okay, we were just having fun,we are so we actually wanted to
talk today about a topic that abunch of our clients have talked
about recently.
I think it's coming out of theholidays and starting just to
realize some maybe longer termfrustration of dealing with a
(06:23):
family who have not really donetheir work.
Kate Aldrich (06:29):
What do you mean by that?
Brad Aldrich (06:31):
So you know, as people are exploring
relationships and as people aregrowing in their relationships,
it's often a place where theywant to go deeper with people,
that they want to doreconciliation, that they want
to do repair.
Kate Aldrich (06:48):
Or they want to do things differently, or they
want to do things differently.
Brad Aldrich (06:53):
And when their family members siblings, parents
, etc.
Can't meet them there.
I think there's often a levelof frustration there's often a
level of frustration.
Kate Aldrich (07:08):
Well, it does become.
How do I do it differently withjust me?
Yeah, Because that's hard.
That's a hard thing to figureout and it's something we talk
about in story work, or I dowith my story work clients all
the time.
What does that then potentiallylook like?
Brad Aldrich (07:24):
yeah, well, and most of us grew up with some
level of the idiom being sharedof blood is thicker than water
meaning.
You know, I can't say I everheard my parents use that, so
I'm not going to say like it wassomething I was taught directly
(07:45):
, but it was certainly somethingI picked up and I think to me
as a kid.
Kate Aldrich (07:50):
Well, extrapolate that some more, like I think
it's more parents saying likeyour family comes first.
Brad Aldrich (07:55):
Your family comes first right.
Kate Aldrich (07:56):
In devotion or in like.
Brad Aldrich (07:59):
Loyalty.
Kate Aldrich (08:00):
Yeah, loyalty, sticking up for your family Like
.
I remember hearing thatpressure about my siblings.
Brad Aldrich (08:07):
Yeah, absolutely.
I think that's exactly what itkind of was meant is.
I think in my family what I gotwas any family stresses, family
problems stay here.
Kate Aldrich (08:23):
Oh yeah, that wasn't necessarily in mine.
I think it was more the loyaltylike your, your siblings and
your parents will always be yoursiblings and parents.
True statement, um, so like wedon't value friendships or other
things over that over that,that they have to come first in
order.
Yeah, yeah, I yeah, I think so.
Brad Aldrich (08:45):
I mean, and I'm going to say this is not a
message that I really remembermy parents ever teaching
directly.
It was more caught right Likeso some of it was.
Kate Aldrich (08:58):
An undercurrent.
Brad Aldrich (08:59):
Yeah, the undercurrent, and some of it was
like.
I remember times of beingdisciplined, being yelled at and
the phone rings and then all ofa sudden, picking up the phone,
the attitude totally changes100%.
Kate Aldrich (09:13):
So what are you saying that points to.
Brad Aldrich (09:15):
Like what's going on here.
Oh, doesn't get, Can't gooutside anywhere right Same
thing like heading to church.
I'm in trouble all the way tochurch but we walk in the door
and everyone puts a smile on andwe have to be the happy,
perfect family.
I remember having thoseexperiences.
Kate Aldrich (09:36):
See, we didn't go to church as a family, but when
our kids were little.
I remember feeling thatpressure, but you and I were
much more transparent.
Brad Aldrich (09:43):
Whatever we're here, what are you complaining
about?
Kate Aldrich (09:46):
Well, no, we were just like we didn't feel the
need to walk in and act likeeverything was okay.
I don't think we also keptgoing, so there was a level of
stopping the conversation or theconflict.
Brad Aldrich (10:01):
Right.
So I think that pressure isthere for a lot of people Like I
have to be loyal to my family.
I have to figure out this withmy family.
I can't let things come in theway of my family.
Kate Aldrich (10:15):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (10:16):
And certainly when we work with premarital couples
.
This is something we talk abouta lot, as there's a shifting
loyalty and dynamic that somereally struggle with.
Kate Aldrich (10:28):
Yeah, for sure, it's definitely varied degrees,
but I don't think we've ever hada premarital couple where one
of the couple, like the family,is completely cut off right.
There's loyalty no matter what,even if they come to us saying
like, things with my family arehard, they're not really good,
(10:49):
they're not really easy.
We don't see them a lot, butit's.
I don't think we've everactually no, cannot completely
cut off.
Brad Aldrich (10:56):
I think sometimes the harder stress is actually
the opposite, where one personhas a really close relationship
with their family and the othermaybe less so, and they're
trying to figure out what that'sgoing to look like afterwards.
Kate Aldrich (11:14):
Right, right, I think what I was saying there is
.
It speaks to the naturalloyalty that we feel inside of
us towards our family, no matterwhat.
Brad Aldrich (11:23):
And I think we need to say that, like from the
top, we're not suggesting thatthat should change.
I think that loyalty isGod-given.
I think that loyalty I mean wesee it in the Ten Commandments
and in traditions that say weneed to honor our father and
mother, and there is some placesin our core that we would not
(11:49):
be who we are, whether we lookat it genetics, whether we look
at it environmentally we wouldnot be who we are if it was not
for our parents.
Sure.
And so there is some loyalty ofthis person gave me life or was
a part of giving me life.
Kate Aldrich (12:09):
Yeah, or raising me because we have stories where
, Well, I think those are twodifferent things, right True.
Some people have more than oneset of parents, correct?
Brad Aldrich (12:18):
Right.
So I think there is thatnatural, healthy, good loyalty
that we need to wrestle withwhat does it mean?
Yeah, At the same time, one ofthe things I love to point out
is that we've misquoted theblood is thicker than water,
(12:39):
idiom for well, ever.
Kate Aldrich (12:43):
I have to be honest, I've never really
thought that saying was great,but anyways, keep going.
Brad Aldrich (12:47):
So yeah, I mean, but it's out there right, it is
strange, and I think it's beenmade to say all the time.
You know exactly what you weresaying your blood has to come
first, right when what the quoteactually says is the blood of
the covenant is thicker than thewater of the womb, than the
(13:17):
water of the womb.
So what it really means is kindof reflecting the Genesis verse
of you will leave your fatherand mother form a covenant with
somebody, and that will bethicker than anything else, that
you will leave your family forthem, right?
And so it's actually talkingabout how our choice covenants
with others are stronger thanour family covenants, and that
(13:39):
is not at all what it's come tomean out in society.
Kate Aldrich (13:44):
Yeah, yeah, that's very interesting.
Brad Aldrich (14:15):
I think it's something that we need to at
least wrestle with, because youknow I think in today's day and
age, based on how often we moveaway from you know, miles and
miles away from their biologicalfamily that one of the things
that I see as growing and as apositive growing is really
identifying people who are yourfamily.
Kate Aldrich (14:24):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (14:26):
And bringing in the aunts and uncles and cousins
and you know who are notbiologically aunts and uncles
and cousins and you know who arenot biologically aunts and
uncles and cousins right, we'vedefinitely done that in our
family, but I think for somepeople that's that's strange,
odd, feels disloyal to yourfamily.
I don't know, I and it wassomething that wasn't, and it
(14:48):
was something that wasn't thatdone in my family growing up.
I had one set of that that Ihad when I was younger.
Kate Aldrich (15:00):
Okay, Did you have some growing up that were not
vile?
Yeah, my parents did like withtheir closest friends.
We grew up calling them auntand uncle.
Brad Aldrich (15:13):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (15:13):
So there was that.
I don't feel like that was anyother relationships, and it was
basically those people who werein our lives when we were really
young, I think, because it wasalways like, how do you refer to
them Back?
Then it would have been.
Weird to say Mr and Mrs, butyou also couldn't use their
(15:34):
first name right, couldn't usetheir first name, so we always
called them aunt or uncle, sothat was really common.
So I grew up with that bestfriend kind of mentality from my
family.
But that was about, that wasabout it yeah, and I think it.
Brad Aldrich (15:50):
I mean, I don't think we ever really talked
about you know, are we doingthat with our family or whatever
it just became?
Kate Aldrich (15:56):
very natural.
It did you mean with ourfriends?
Brad Aldrich (16:01):
Yeah, with our friends to kind of you know
special friends, including themas that.
Kate Aldrich (16:08):
Yep exactly.
And vice versa, like we haveseveral friends who've included
us as um you know, as aunt anduncle right well, and to the
point where, like I know some ofour kids, like they actually
think that, right, these are myaunts and uncles.
Right, I mean, they knowthey're not blood related like
(16:30):
they do understand that, butlike them, it is an aunt or an
uncle.
They have taken that space andfulfilled that role.
Brad Aldrich (16:37):
Yeah, really, yeah , and so Well, and it's
interesting, the other year whenI was teaching an intro to
psych class, I had the kids do agenogram which is kind of a
family tree map of your familytree genogram which is kind of a
family tree map of your familytree.
And I said I talked a littlebit about this and said, hey,
(16:57):
like if you have people who aresignificantly important in your
life and in your family that youwant to add, that you know
don't have a branch, you cangraft a branch on right and just
put them there and see whatthat that is.
And a few people did add some umthat were, you know,
significant in their, in theirlife.
(17:17):
But I think that is a almostthis odd thing of like okay,
wait, how?
How are these people in myfamily?
Kate Aldrich (17:26):
right, and how will my family take that I did
that?
That's an interesting thoughtyeah, and I and I know for you
like too, there's also some.
There also can be some shiftingwithin the family, like I know
for you.
You have one relative we'lljust keep it generic who like.
(17:50):
The place that that person isand how you feel about them is
much closer than what, sure?
Brad Aldrich (17:59):
absolutely no, absolutely, and um, yeah, I
don't have a biological brother,but I do right like.
So there I can.
I can say Um, and I think thatis a significant um thing for me
and my relationship and um, Ithink even healing um for me and
(18:23):
just seeing healthy familyrelationships.
Kate Aldrich (18:27):
Yeah, for sure, and I think, like um, I know,
for me, I consider I have two, Ihave a group of really close
friends, but then there are twoin my life that I consider to be
like my sisters, like therelationship that we have is
what I've always hoped that Icould have with siblings and
(18:50):
please know I honor my siblingswherever they are and whatever
they're doing.
I've always tried to respectright where they're at.
But it doesn't necessarily meanthat we're in the physical
proximity close to each otherand that, as we talked about in
the beginning, I think we're atdifferent places in our journeys
(19:12):
in life and our healing and itmakes relationships and we have
a parent who is in the middle ofthose it makes relationships
complicated.
They're complex.
Brad Aldrich (19:23):
Complex is a good way to put it.
Kate Aldrich (19:24):
It's not good or bad, it's complex, it's not
simple and I definitely feellike that my family is in that
space.
Brad Aldrich (19:33):
So you're going back to the original thesis idea
and going like these otherfamily members don't replace
your family, but they certainlydo add to them.
Kate Aldrich (19:48):
Exactly.
Yeah, no, I don't think they.
I think if we're replacing,unless someone's like not on
earth anymore, I could seesomeone taking that place, so to
speak.
I think if we're replacing, weprobably need to have
conversations about that,because that speaks to some
things.
Has said it's okay to replacecertain places but not others.
Brad Aldrich (20:18):
So, for instance, we readily accept the role of a
stepmom and a stepdad as apartial, and sometimes full
replacement of that parent, sure.
And yet we somehow don't acceptyou know friends or you know
significant relationships inthose ways as a replacement of
(20:42):
you know siblings or extendedfamily or that kind of thing.
Kate Aldrich (20:45):
Yeah, Well, I was actually just thinking like I
grew up also with a person whowas considered like another
grandparent to me, and thiswould have been my mom, someone
who was just significant in herlife, in her teenage years, and
I have no idea.
(21:05):
My grandmother was asignificant like.
My actual grandmother was asignificant person in my life
until she passed away in 2005.
And I never felt like there wasanimosity Like they didn't.
We didn't necessarily do thingstogether.
They were very different people.
Brad Aldrich (21:23):
Interesting.
Kate Aldrich (21:24):
But like I almost grew up, my mom always said
she's like a second mom to meand I didn't call her that.
My parents made up some namethat I don't know where it came
from or quite understand it, butfor her that was like a term of
endearment.
And but if we're going to behonest, this is an interesting
term of endearment.
(21:45):
There's a, my family did thatwith food, like they made up
their own names about things.
Anyways, side note, so I didgrow up with that.
I was just thinking about thatbecause we were talking about
aunts and uncles, but I did growup with that and honoring her
as another grandmother, so tospeak.
It wasn't quite the same, but Ithink for my mom it was.
(22:07):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (22:08):
Yeah, I think that's really interesting.
Yeah, I, I think that's reallyinteresting and I think that
does speak to why it was maybe alittle bit easier for you to
move into this realm ofsignificant friends.
Being that place of aunt anduncle is typically what we've
done everybody's kind of family.
Kate Aldrich (22:24):
I mean not everybody not everybody, no,
it's.
It is a there is differences,allowing people into that circle
doesn't feel strange to me andI think to you.
Brad Aldrich (22:34):
Sometimes it does I it can, um it can, but I think
it is something that I've cometo enjoy and embrace as um, as a
positive, and I mean we've saidthis before, I think we've said
it on the podcast before of youknow, as parenting has gotten
(22:54):
hard sometimes, we recognizethat we have the need of having
a outside third parent sometimes, that can help us and that's
one of the kids' aunts, thekids' aunts, and being able to
be a stress relief but also tobe a support, can be really
(23:18):
essential.
Kate Aldrich (23:20):
Yeah, yeah, she, yes, and I think that that has
been instrumental in our livesand I hope that we return the
favor for her and I can'timagine our kids not growing up
like when they come home fromcollege, they can't wait to see.
Her is something we've adoptedand I so appreciate it because
(23:45):
she has the bandwidth and she islocal.
That really does change right,so she's close by.
But, yeah, I think those peoplebecome your family and I do
also think there is a similarlevel going back to your thesis,
apparently I'm like, wow, thatsounds so official.
(24:07):
There is a similar level ofworking on ourselves with that
person in our lives that we'reable to kind of join in that way
.
I'm not saying that it's badthat other people aren't at that
level, but we've also been ableto, I think, have confidence in
(24:28):
that for both of us.
Because, she kind of sees us as,I guess, parent number two and
three.
She's a single mom.
So yeah, like we seem to be onthe same journey or the same
spot in our journeys.
Brad Aldrich (24:44):
I you know I want to go maybe a slightly different
way with this, because one ofthe conversations, you're
abandoning the thesis.
Kate Aldrich (24:51):
No, not at all.
Brad Aldrich (24:52):
One of the conversations I've been having
with guys lately is thechallenge around male friendship
and that so many men that Ispeak to are hungry, are really,
really desiring deeper malefriendships and yet they really
(25:15):
struggle to have them.
And some of it we understandright Like.
As men.
Our priorities often I'm notsaying this is across the board,
but often is, you know, familyfirst, work second, you know all
the things that need to getdone third, and then somewhere
(25:37):
in there is time for ourselves,which might include some time
for friends, right Like.
So I think for men it's quite abit down the list of priorities
when we get to friends often.
Kate Aldrich (25:50):
Gotcha.
Brad Aldrich (25:51):
So I think that's one of the consequences, but I
also do think there is thisplace where male friendship.
I was talking with somebodyrecently and I said like it is
hard for men to get past thefootball level of friendship.
Kate Aldrich (26:12):
Are we talking about American football or
European football?
Brad Aldrich (26:15):
It really doesn't matter in this case, because
it's the we can talk about.
You know something like sportsor a hobby or something, and we
can know all the things aboutthat hobby.
We can do the hobby together,we can enjoy that hobby together
, but we don't actually knowmuch about each other's lives.
That's odd, well, but that'smen right, I know.
(26:39):
I'm just teasing and we focusand it's almost this catalyst
for connection, but it alsokeeps us from connection.
Kate Aldrich (26:48):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (26:49):
So it's this entry point into it, but it's also
this thing that keeps ushonestly surface level.
And here you know, you're.
Most of those significantrelationships, family-level
(27:09):
relationships, have come fromyour friends which you've
cultivated and built.
Those relationships, Mespecifically.
Kate Aldrich (27:17):
Oh, Thanks, I think.
Brad Aldrich (27:20):
No, and I mean that I think that is a
significant but you've been opento it.
Kate Aldrich (27:25):
The key is thrifting thrift with your guy
friends I don't think that wouldwork.
Brad Aldrich (27:32):
How do you?
Kate Aldrich (27:32):
know check it out see it see if it might.
Okay, I mean, I do honor.
They're different.
We've talked about some of thecultural differences,
differences of why that is um,yeah, I'm, it's interesting to
watch because women just haveculturally been allowed to, yeah
(27:56):
, go deep quick, and I do thinksome of that is difference in
how the lord has um, designed uslike.
There are some, but then someof it is very much cultural,
yeah, because, yeah, over theyears you can see ebbs and flows
in that area.
Brad Aldrich (28:15):
But okay, and I think, yes, go deep quick is
very, very true.
I will look, though, also overthe course of our life and say
most of my deeper friendships assoon as distance or family
(28:35):
stuff changed, having kids orsomething like that changed,
those priorities shifted, and somost of my deeper male
connections and relationshipswere for a time and look, I'm
not saying that in negative, Ithink some friendships are just
for a season, for a time.
And that's okay, but I thinkthat is many times more the case
(29:00):
in male friendships, or maybeI'm just looking at myself
friendships, or maybe I'm justlooking at myself and that I
think many times guys struggleto take the time that's needed
to actually foster thoserelationships and, as you said,
it can be a challenge withschedules.
Kate Aldrich (29:19):
I mean, I think when our kids were younger, we
made the decision for me to stayhome.
So then there was because wewere in a neighborhood
environment, there were moreopportunities for me to chat
with people, that kind of thing.
So, yes, I can definitely seethat.
I do know now working I don'tknow part-time, three quarters
(29:44):
of the time, I don't know whatwe'd call it, but being a
working mom and I have highschoolers, it is more like you
do have to be more intentional.
Yeah, and it probably is higherup on my list than it is for
you.
Brad Aldrich (29:59):
Right right.
Kate Aldrich (30:00):
Well, and it doesn't help that probably one
of your best friends and yourrelative doesn't live near us.
Brad Aldrich (30:07):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (30:07):
So there's that, and I think our third parent,
who we have said, gets thatdistinguished honor.
You know we do a lot of hangingout with her and you totally
love that, but I think there issomething where guys want guy
(30:30):
relationships too, of course,and so, yeah, it's just all very
um complex.
Brad Aldrich (30:37):
We love that word complex.
Well, I think where you knowwhere we go with all of this
conversation is back to thethesis, friends.
I would really encourage you tothink through.
It's okay to think about whoyour family is and even inviting
people into that special space.
Kate Aldrich (30:57):
Do they know that you consider them family?
Brad Aldrich (31:01):
I think that could be a really meaningful
conversation, sometimes of justgoing like you are my family
right.
And inviting that in and saying, look, I know that might mean
that we can't do Thanksgiving onThanksgiving Day, but you are
my family, I want to have timewith you and having that
(31:25):
meaningful time that says thisis a significant relationship in
my life, I think can be areally growing thing for both
you in giving that, but also theperson receiving it.
Kate Aldrich (31:39):
Yeah, for sure, and I just think, thinking about
who your family is, community,all of that is important, it's
so important.
We can probably go furthersometime of like what do we do
when we find our actual familyand ourselves are not?
You know, we're just indifferent spaces, different
(32:02):
walks, different journeys, andthat is deeply impacting the
relationship.
Sure, different walks,different journeys, and that is
deeply impacting therelationship.
Sure, although, in my opinion,if you consider someone family,
then they don't just exit that.
Brad Aldrich (32:13):
No, that's right.
Kate Aldrich (32:15):
Our actual biological family doesn't, and
so to me, if they are family,then when there are hard things
conflict whatever, it should beconsidered that we're going to
figure this out.
We're not just going to breakthe relationship.
Brad Aldrich (32:32):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (32:32):
But that's so easy to do.
Brad Aldrich (32:34):
We certainly are going to keep talking about this
topic in how do we put upboundaries that help, but don't
just exclude, right.
Kate Aldrich (32:43):
Like I think there is that thing.
How do we seek relationshipwhen it is different and hard?
Brad Aldrich (32:48):
And how do we repair when things don't go well
?
So, those are all topics thatwe'll probably be getting into
this season, so looking forwardto spending some more time
talking about who's our familyand where do we go, as we're
growing and learning andchanging.
Kate Aldrich (33:09):
Yeah, we'd love to know.
You know what perspective youcome from and how your families
have your family has broughtthose people in or if that's
been hard.
Yeah, I'd be very curious tohear from different people all
over the world of how they havethought about and live this out
(33:33):
in their families.
Brad Aldrich (33:34):
Absolutely, that's great.
Well, we hope that you enjoyedthat conversation, got some
things thinking for you, and weare really excited to continue
this journey with you.
Until next time.
I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (33:50):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
Brad Aldrich (33:57):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry
courses and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at aldrichministriescom.
For podcast show notes andlinks to resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
(34:20):
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts,
and be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on still
becoming one.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
Ridiculous History
History is beautiful, brutal and, often, ridiculous. Join Ben Bowlin and Noel Brown as they dive into some of the weirdest stories from across the span of human civilization in Ridiculous History, a podcast by iHeartRadio.