November 13, 2024 • 41 mins
We hear it all the time: "My wife's not meeting my needs" or "My husband isn't meeting my needs!" What do we do about this? Of course, we want our spouse to meet our physical, emotional, sexual, and other needs. Yet, is it their responsibility to do so?
The struggle to juggle demanding jobs and family commitments makes this a very common feeling. We explore the emotional tug-of-war many couples experience when they feel like the person they signed up to "do life with" is now not meeting their needs. Is this a reason to end the relationship? Are there ways to fix this? Let's dive into understanding and meeting each other's needs.
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Episode Transcript
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Brad Aldrich (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah, welcome back .
Brad Aldrich (00:36):
We are glad to be here today.
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
Yeah, it feels like fall in our area.
I always give a weather report.
Yes, you do.
It's starting to feel like fall.
It's so exciting.
And guess what I did this lastweek?
Everybody.
Brad Aldrich (00:50):
Put up the Christmas tree.
Kate Aldrich (00:53):
I did, and my husband has grown so much in the
years since we got married.
Brad Aldrich (01:00):
And I only grown a little.
Kate Aldrich (01:02):
No, you actually said to me you know it's been a
hard time in our family, like aswe've expressed, like that
hasn't?
We've had some ebbs and flows.
You know, I said I just lovethe Christmas tree.
It's full of light, I lovecelebrating Christmas and I
don't know, it was a couple ofweeks ago, I didn't do it as
(01:31):
immediately as you said it, butyou said go ahead, put it up,
almost begrudgingly.
But I put it up this week andwe don't put ornaments on it
this early.
We'll wait for our boys to comehome from college for that.
But just the light, it's justnice.
Brad Aldrich (01:41):
It's fine, it's lovely, it's fine, it's lovely,
it's fine, you know what?
But and I've said this beforewhat it is for me is, I'm add
enough that I really only noticenew things and so I don't like
it disappearing for me, likethat.
Yeah, I hear people who leaveit up all year round and stuff
and then it wouldn't meananything to me, it'd just be
(02:02):
there yeah, I get.
Kate Aldrich (02:04):
I mean, I guess I could figure out a way to have
the lights in some other form,not the tree, because that's
what I really love is the lights.
Brad Aldrich (02:12):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (02:12):
I always have.
As a kid I used to sit and justsit in front of the tree and
look at the lights.
There's a lot of story for mein Christmas time, but I honor
that and this year's probably alittle earlier than we've ever
done it's okay, I I really don'tmind, it does just become
static.
Brad Aldrich (02:33):
It becomes static and I don't actually recognize
it, and I like to actuallyrecognize it.
Kate Aldrich (02:37):
Well, that's all for me the good news is we don't
have the space to keep up achristmas tree all year round,
that's true we'd go insane.
So ours is tiny, but it stilltakes up a prominent space where
we have a rocking chair, andthe rocking chair gets displaced
, and so don't worry.
Nope, so anyways that's what Idid this week to bring a little
light into my life.
Brad Aldrich (03:00):
Yeah, that's an important thing, right?
It is Doing things that bringlight and joy are important
activities Exactly.
Kate Aldrich (03:08):
Well, brad and I were bouncing back and forth
this subject for today and Ilooked at him and said why don't
we just have this conversation?
On the podcast instead of.
We're kind of debating thedefinition of something, so
we'll just debate it in front ofyou.
You guys can see how thisprocess works.
Brad Aldrich (03:26):
Right.
So this basically started bysomebody saying hey, we have
this issue, and then we've beentalking about it and it's
actually something we hear notinfrequently from clients that
we work with.
So the comment was my needsaren't being met, and so we were
(03:50):
kind of debating the ways thatwe've heard that.
What does that mean and what dowe do about that?
Kate Aldrich (03:55):
Yes, and the dichotomy we feel of like in a
marriage relationship and reallyin any relationship.
Where do we feel thatresponsibility and join that
person?
Where do we say you know you'reresponsible for that.
It's like all these thingsright there is.
Brad Aldrich (04:15):
There's a lot of different things.
So, yes, I think that twoplaces that I hear that comment
being made, and they're slightlydifferent.
The first is generally fromwomen, but it could be from
either, about, like my emotionalneeds aren't being met.
(04:37):
My, you know, you're not makingme happy.
Kate Aldrich (04:43):
Is that me?
Does that mean you're notpursuing me happy?
Is that me?
Does that mean you're notpursuing me the way I want to be
pursued?
Brad Aldrich (04:50):
I think somewhat.
I think it's just thisrealization that I think many
couples get to of we are in thiskind of doldrums of life that
we're just doing life next toeach other, of life that we're
just doing life next to eachother, and we look at this
(05:10):
person who we wanted to be happywith, and we go, they're not
making me happy and probably, ifI'm honest, there are things
that are actively doing theopposite.
There are things that areannoying you.
Either it's messes or theydidn't get this thing done, or
that they said they were goingto do those kind of things where
(05:32):
there's kind of constantirritants.
Kate Aldrich (05:37):
Okay, I see what you're saying.
Brad Aldrich (05:38):
It's not conflict necessarily, right, but it's
this person's not making mehappy and there's constant like
kind of little irritations thatare happening like sandpaper?
Yeah, exactly, and I thinkthat's one of the places that I
get to this of like my needsaren't being met but how does
that translate?
Kate Aldrich (05:58):
you said, it's mainly women I would imagine
that translate like also to men?
I think so.
My knees aren't being met andthere are constant irritants.
Brad Aldrich (06:09):
No, I would agree with that.
I think there's similaritieshere.
I think men are sometimes morelikely to add in the sexual need
component into this, but Ithink similar right and I I
don't want to pigeonhole thisbecause I think it does go both
(06:31):
sides.
The first I've seen severaltimes from um I'm trying to say
this diplomatically, um, butI'll just say it like okay, I've
seen it several times fromwomen who are stay-at-home moms
who have launched their kidsinto school and still have a
(06:54):
million things to do, but thenare more acutely aware of how
much their husband is gettingfulfillment at work and other
places and they're just feelingalone, right, they're just kind
of going through life alone well, and to counter that, because
(07:15):
this is what we do um?
Kate Aldrich (07:17):
I would say we hear that from men when they
have infants and toddlers.
Brad Aldrich (07:22):
Oh, yes, absolutely.
I see that all the time.
Kate Aldrich (07:26):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (07:26):
So I just want to be like oh fair, oh my gosh.
Kate Aldrich (07:29):
Yes, yeah so.
Brad Aldrich (07:34):
I just and what?
This is so unfair.
But I'm thinking of several.
I'm going to get in trouble forthis because we went through
this, so that's why I'm sayingit.
Like I'm seeing several guyswho are in this place where
their wives are homeschoolingtheir chose.
They, they've chosen thatthat's the best thing for their,
(07:56):
their, husband and wife haschosen and you know husband then
has to do a lot of extra worksometimes to make up for income
that obviously the wife is notbringing in in income.
Sure.
And trying to make that work.
And then the challenge offeeling like they're never
(08:20):
meeting the wife's standard ofwhat they are supposed to do
when they get home.
Okay, meeting the wife'sstandard of what they are
supposed to do when they gethome, and that place of then she
says I'm not meeting her needsand he just feels like it's an
impossible task.
That is something I run into.
Kate Aldrich (08:42):
I have thoughts, I have lots of thoughts.
Brad Aldrich (08:43):
They have thoughts .
Kate Aldrich (08:43):
This is the problem with doing this.
My thoughts might be raw.
I mean, I guess, well, and wecan both come from this
perspective because we did allof that literally.
Well, let me start here.
Did you feel that way?
Brad Aldrich (09:03):
Well, let me start here.
Did you feel that way?
I felt sometimes.
There were times where I feltlike the pressures that were
pulling me on both sides were soreal that I didn't know what to
do with that.
What does that mean?
So, part of this time I was theexecutive director of a
(09:25):
Christian counseling center andI had a board, who I was
responsible for, that would saythese things need to get done,
or whatever, and I would feelthis expectation, responsibility
, pull at work to do X, y, Z,and then I would know I'd come
home and I'd be like I'm, I feellike I'm disappointing you
(09:48):
because I'm not doing xyz hereand I would feel this kind of
somewhat impossible tug of warat times for sure now I will say
we I was I was not superdemanding.
And you actually were reallygood at recognizing when the
(10:10):
demands of work went up and wewould talk about it and because
I would actively say I want tobe here more.
I want to do this, but Iobviously can't.
I have a job, that I need to dothis, but I obviously can't.
I have a job that I need to doand so I think, because you saw
my desires were for you, it waseasier for you to kind of give
(10:35):
me the freedom that I needed totake care of that responsibility
, like that's how I felt, likeit worked out well, but I
certainly felt that tension.
Kate Aldrich (10:48):
Yeah, this is just a very complex situation to
talk about because I think, likeI think back on that time and I
also know that I was trying tochange who I was as a wife,
trying to be aware of not justmyself but you, as a wife,
trying to be aware of not justmyself but you.
(11:10):
But I also think I didn't do avery good job due to my story,
because I didn't understand itat that point to expressing my
own needs like so I went fromand this is just me not
understanding why I was so,could be so irritated or could
have these expectations and havethem not met and be upset to.
(11:32):
I have to be uber submissiveand tell you okay, you have this
big thing coming up, go dowhatever you need.
And I think those werebeautiful moments, so don't get
me wrong but they came at thecost of of my own self, and I
(11:53):
only think, for you and I, it'sin the last 10 years that we've
evened that out, right thatyou've also said like I don't
want this to come at the cost ofyour dreams and your right.
So, like I don't know, like itdoes I, it does happen at that
time and I think there are a lotof you know the needs, the
(12:20):
we're not meeting each other'sneeds.
But what does what does thatactually mean?
And how much do you actuallyknow yourself?
And I don't know.
There's just so much packed inthere.
Brad Aldrich (12:32):
There is and I mean I think this is a big issue
for men, because and I'm goingto go back to you, know, this is
one of the things that we dotalk about, I'm going to go back
to you, know, this is one ofthe things that we do talk about
that I do think men are alittle bit more driven towards
how they are going to providefor their family, which means
(12:52):
they are focused on their workmore than you know, more than
necessarily like.
what does raising the kids mean?
Now, it doesn't mean that theydon't care about that.
In fact, they care deeply aboutthose things.
Kate Aldrich (13:06):
Yeah, and there are some families that that's
the opposite.
Brad Aldrich (13:09):
Of course.
Societally that's notstatistically as much Many times
we men do derive a large partof our purpose, the things that
help us feel fulfilled by whatwe do for work.
And so then it does get thiskind of fulfilling nature where
(13:36):
that's meeting some needs right.
But now you're telling me I'mnot meeting your needs so I have
to do X, y, z, I have to do allof these things when I come
home in order to meet your needs, and it just adds to that
tension.
But of course we want thathappy family, we want that
(13:57):
connectedness, we want thatspace and we totally understand
that doing the dishes may helpthat.
Kate Aldrich (14:06):
But it it does, it just adds to this tension yeah,
I don't, I don't know, like Idon't know what to say to that,
because I think you know forthis day at home, moms, but this
isn't everyone, obviously, andI've done all of the mixes too
brad and I decided full timefrom the beginning of our
(14:27):
marriage we would just make surewe did it all, just kidding um,
but no, no, try it all, seewhat works.
Brad Aldrich (14:33):
You worked while I was in grad school full time,
so you were putting us while wehad our youngest and he went to
daycare like and I've workedpart-time and been a mom.
You've done the mix.
Kate Aldrich (14:46):
We've done all the mix, and I'm sure full-time
working moms can relate to thattoo.
I think.
For us, though, when we had ouryoungest, our oldest I don't
know why I'm saying our youngestwhen we had our oldest, we were
both working.
Yeah, we were Right.
Brad Aldrich (15:03):
So it was equalas.
We are oldest, we were bothworking.
Kate Aldrich (15:05):
Yeah, we were Right.
So, like we were, it was equal.
We were both coming home, we'reboth exhausted, we're both
trying to have good family timewith him, get him to bed, you
know, have good routines for him, all these things.
So I don't know that.
I guess that that time seemedlike more even playing field.
I don't know.
You probably felt like youcouldn't, you couldn't say those
(15:28):
things as much.
Brad Aldrich (15:29):
I think that's accurate, right, I think there
is a place that, when it's okay,we're both working full time
and so now we both have tofigure out how we're going to
run this family and we're goingto run this house, like it is
more even than you know, andstill, I think we kind of get to
(15:50):
this place of how do we meeteach other's needs, and this is
one of the tensions that I seeright, just to make this even
more complex.
I think this happens and thedefault need that many men fall
to is sex, where the defaultneed that many women fall to is
(16:15):
we need time or emotionalconnection together first.
Okay.
Right, and so when we're shorton time and so when we're short
on time.
I think this is where it getsmore pressured that men are
looking for.
Kate Aldrich (16:30):
okay, let's have sex and women are looking for
the emotional, pursuing,connected relationship.
I don't think that's alwaystrue, Like that is kind of
stereotypically the way it goes.
Brad Aldrich (16:46):
I understand.
Kate Aldrich (16:48):
But if you're in reversed roles, just flip it, oh
my gosh.
Yeah, because it's worthtalking about.
And I think the marriagerelationship and this is what I
was saying in the beginning isso unique in that we can't just
consider ourselves anymore, butat the same time we can express
our needs and our desires andhope that our spouse can meet us
(17:11):
in that space.
But if they can't, there isthis strange dichotomy of like
well, we can't just livesingularly.
Brad Aldrich (17:22):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (17:22):
We also can't require anyone to meet our needs
, even our spouse.
Brad Aldrich (17:28):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (17:29):
So it gets fuzzy and people don't know where.
Where is it that you knowyou're not meeting my needs, so
but where is the point where Ihave to worry about my own needs
Correct and we're not?
I'm suggesting, like, gettingthem cared for in a healthy
(17:51):
manner.
I'm not talking about anythingunhealthy, but yeah, I don't
know.
It's such a, it's such abalance that I feel spouses have
to constantly talk about it andconstantly be like what's what,
like what's honoring of you,what are your needs?
How can we work on that?
How can we work on mine?
Brad Aldrich (18:12):
Yeah, I mean straight off, I will say nobody
can be responsible for meetingall of your needs except for
yourself.
Right, right.
Nobody can be responsible forknowing all of your needs except
for yourself.
Right, right.
Kate Aldrich (18:25):
Nobody can be responsible for knowing all of
your needs except for you,absolutely so you need to be
able to identify.
Plus, you married a mind reader.
Brad Aldrich (18:29):
Right.
You need to be able to identifyyour needs and advocate for how
they're going to be met.
Kate Aldrich (18:36):
But not always expecting they be met by anyone
Correct, by other people, Ishould say, so that means time
for rest, time for exercise,time for socialization time.
Brad Aldrich (18:50):
For all of those things that happen.
There is a place that you needto be a part of advocating for
it.
I think one of the just sittinghere one of the things that
really helped us get throughthis challenge is this reality
where I always felt like youwanted to understand, when I
(19:14):
felt like I was in a tug of war,because I think you understood.
I wanted to be with you, Iwanted to spend time with you, I
wanted to spend time with thekids, and so if something was
happening, then I think youautomatically did understand
(19:39):
that there was something pullingon the other side, and I think
I regularly saw you trying to atleast understand why I felt
pulled.
And I think that is such animportant principle because,
from either side right, if yourspouse is not meeting your need,
I really would encourage you totry to understand what's
(20:05):
pulling them in the otherdirection, because there's
usually something that ispulling there and whether it be
work, whether it be too muchtime, you know too much stress
with the kids, you know there'ssomething that's pulling that is
(20:25):
preventing them from havingthat time.
Kate Aldrich (20:29):
Right, and that's a two-way street.
Absolutely, it is I think thechallenge for most stay-at-home
moms right if it's equal we'reboth working full-time it feels
like it's an even playing field.
I think for many moms who stayhome, it feels like they're
doing less.
Brad Aldrich (20:47):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (20:48):
Because they're in the house.
Brad Aldrich (20:49):
They're not, it's just.
Kate Aldrich (20:52):
They're definitely not, and any dad who stayed
home with his kids all day longknows it's not Right.
I mean, you said many timeslike I'd rather.
Brad Aldrich (21:04):
Oh my gosh, I would much rather have gone than
when our kids were little.
Kate Aldrich (21:08):
That sounds bad.
Brad Aldrich (21:09):
You loved her.
I adored them but I.
Kate Aldrich (21:11):
It's not what you did every day.
Brad Aldrich (21:13):
No, there's no way I could do that every day.
Kate Aldrich (21:15):
But I think it's important to mention because we
see that come up, you can readit on the stay-at-home moms of
like I realize I'm not giving asmuch to the family, like there
is this automatic deficit and Ido think then it it kind of um
(21:36):
adds to the potential bitterness, or you know.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Brad Aldrich (21:42):
like, I do, I and I think I.
I mean there is some exception,like something I'm just trying
to think through mindset, mymindset.
Like there was a shift of whenyou know, when we were both
working full-time and cominghome, it was like, hey,
whoever's home first has to cookdinner, right, because somebody
(22:05):
had to do it.
Kate Aldrich (22:06):
Guys, those were the times I drove slow as slow
could be.
If I could get Brad to cook, Iwould take an hour to come home.
Brad Aldrich (22:16):
I think sometimes those became more logical.
That then when it's one personis staying home, that then when
it's one person is staying home,it almost kind of defaults to
well, these are your jobs andthat often is not fair, right
that that doesn't happen.
Kate Aldrich (22:31):
I was going to say are we going to get off on this
cooking thing, Because that's awhole other podcast and my
issues with cooking.
Brad Aldrich (22:37):
No, I don't think it's just cooking.
I think it's all of the thingsthat kind of go to keep a home
that I think become thestay-at-home person's job.
The problem is that never ends.
Kate Aldrich (22:51):
It's 24-7.
It's not just that.
I think.
When you say that out loud,that sounds to me like a
homemaker, not a mom.
And yes, in an ideal world shewould keep the kids happy and
engaged and do all of the choresall day, but kids don't usually
allow you to do that right andyou have to get through the
(23:15):
stage where all of them are ableto be, where you can walk out
into the laundry room and nothave to worry that somebody's
going to hurt themselves or hurtsomebody else, or laundry room
and not have to worry thatsomebody's gonna hurt themselves
or hurt somebody else, or rightlike it, it isn't realistic.
Yes, when they get to a certainage it's different, but then
they're all in activities and itjust, yeah, it gets muddy.
Brad Aldrich (23:36):
But I hear what you're saying of like trying to
understand what is pulling theother person right, right, and
not making the assumption thatthey don't want to meet your
needs and I think that is one ofthe things we talk about often
is hey, let's start with thedefault that you love each other
, right.
And sometimes when we'reworking with a couple, we'll
(23:58):
talk about, like, what was yourlast vacation?
Like, and if they get alongreally well on vacation, they
end up having great vacation sexthey end up enjoying each other
and having fun.
Kate Aldrich (24:12):
What about great emotional connection?
Brad Aldrich (24:15):
I'm going to all of those right.
They have a great connectingtime and emotional connection
time.
If they're doing all of that onvacation, then part of the
issue is the things that arepulling them away from that at
home.
Right, it's there All of theformula is there for them.
(24:35):
It's just there's so manythings that are getting in the
way, sure, and that is a goodindicator.
Kate Aldrich (24:40):
But I think a lot of times we meet with couples
and vacation isn't great either.
That's different Vacation pullsthe same stressor.
Brad Aldrich (24:57):
They have the same feelings, thoughts, arguments
conflict.
So yes, I get that, but that'swhy we sometimes ask that
question of where are you inthat, because if it is just the
things that are pulling at you,then you maintain that
assumption that this is what theperson wants.
They want to be there, theywant to spend time with you and
there is something else pullingthem, and that might be the
credit card bill, that may beyou know work responsibilities,
(25:21):
that might be you knowexpectations of you know helping
with kids, with homework, likethere could be so many different
things that are pulling, thatare keeping you from that place
yeah now I think it gets harderif it is like you said, of like
yep, the vacation is still awfuland I feel like my emotional
(25:45):
needs are never considered, ormy sexual needs are never
considered, or my, you know,time needs are never considered.
Any of that.
Then where do people go?
Kate Aldrich (25:56):
but I think it's also worth mentioning we can
only approach this the way we'retalking about approaching it if
there has not, because we deala lot with betrayal.
Brad Aldrich (26:08):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (26:09):
If betrayal has entered the marriage, then it is
different and that's a wholeother podcast.
Brad Aldrich (26:16):
You mean, like so, trying to heal from an affair
or something like that.
Kate Aldrich (26:20):
Yeah, pornography, like all the things we talk
about, it's the needs, like wehave to talk about them
differently and it is veryindividualized to each um couple
and what they've experiencedand how they process their hurt
or process their, uh, whatthey've done those kinds of
(26:41):
things.
So I only say that because Idon't want we don't want anyone
ever to use our podcast to throwat anybody else.
But I'm just saying like ifthere's been betrayal, it's a
different journey that we haveto kind of navigate.
Brad Aldrich (26:56):
There's a healing journey that has to happen
before there's the evenness ofmeeting each other's needs
Correct before there's theevenness of meeting each other's
needs.
Kate Aldrich (27:04):
Correct.
But there's also even whenyou're at a healing spot, you
don't get to take off thebetrayal glasses.
It still will impact it for therest of your life, not in a bad
way.
But we recognize this happenedand we do things differently
(27:24):
because of this kind of thing,not in a guilt or like shame
following someone.
It's just, this is part of ourjourney and we can't forget it.
Right so right, I just thinkthat's important to say.
But yeah, I mean I don't know.
I think this is a really goodconversation to continue to have
(27:44):
, for couples to have, because Ithink it is complicated.
Brad Aldrich (27:49):
So what would you say to a wife who is feeling
like her husband never ismeeting her needs?
Kate Aldrich (27:58):
Okay, really You're asking me that?
Yeah, okay, I would say sheneeds to do story work.
What does that mean?
Really, you're asking me that?
Yeah, okay, I would say sheneeds to do story work because
there's so much right we couldhave and I used to when um, I
don't so much anymore, but Iused to speak to mom's groups
all the time and we could have awhole bunch of the same women
(28:20):
going through the same lifestage and think that their
responses are very similar andthey may be, but to truly
understand each of our responses, we have to understand our
individualized story.
Right, like why is that?
I know for me when we werefirst married and our kids were
young.
(28:40):
I have lots of things from mystory that make me feel insecure
and that sounds like a veryuniversal word, but like being
assured that Brad um was goingto continue to love and pursue
me for who I am.
Like that wasn't there, basedon a lot of the things that I
(29:05):
experienced as a child.
Sure, right, and then mystrategies to help myself with
those things I experienced as achild was do it all on my own.
Brad Aldrich (29:16):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (29:17):
Right.
So if I'm feeling like you maybe wavering in that for some
reason which you weren't it's mystory telling me that I'm going
to start doing everything on myown but also be irritated that
you're not helping.
Right, we have to understandour story to be able to
understand.
So, oh yeah, it was so good, itwas great.
Brad Aldrich (29:40):
No, no, but I think the awareness of just
being able to say my needsaren't being met means that we
need to come back to.
We need to understand why ourneeds are there and why we're
having trouble getting them met,that it is not just about our
(30:02):
spouse isn't doing X, Y, Z orthey aren't jumping through all
these hoops, but there arethings that you can learn
individually that are going tohelp.
Kate Aldrich (30:11):
True, but I would also say your husband needs to
do the same work.
Brad Aldrich (30:16):
Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich (30:16):
Because his response isn't solely based on
the fact that the Lord said like, solely based on the fact that
the Lord said like, you willtoil in the ground and all of
that Like.
I think that is part of who menare, but it's not solely.
Brad Aldrich (30:34):
No, it is not all that we are, and if that was all
that we were going to be, wewouldn't get married Right Like
there's a reason that we wantedrelationships and wanted to be
in relationship.
Kate Aldrich (30:45):
Right, but what I'm saying is like I don't want
women to feel like they have todo all this work and the husband
just gets to stand behind whileI feel pulled.
Okay, there's more to it foryou as well, sure.
Brad Aldrich (30:56):
Absolutely.
Why is it that we feel thatpull to get the accolades or the
positive reinforcement fromwork?
What is some of that?
How do we actually take care ofourselves?
How do we say no right towhatever it is that's in between
?
And look, we can't just blamethis on time right, like the
(31:21):
amount of hours that disappearinto TV football Instagram
social media et cetera right.
Kate Aldrich (31:32):
American football.
Brad Aldrich (31:33):
Both of them right , like the amount of time that
goes into those activitiescontinues to go up year after
year after year and we'resitting here saying, oh, we
don't have any time.
Well, no, we have time.
We choose to put it into otherthings and we have to recognize
(31:55):
why.
Mostly because I think we'reexhausted, we're stressed out,
we're you know all of the thingsthat are happening because we
aren't actually doing anythingto take care of ourselves.
Kate Aldrich (32:07):
Are you talking about us or the world?
The world or the United States?
I guess we can't speak for theworld.
Brad Aldrich (32:12):
I mean, I think everybody is kind of
experiencing this disconnectionwith the people that they love
the most and unfortunately thissocial media has sold us this
idea.
That connection happens inlittle snippets of exciting
(32:34):
video or funny video that weshare with each other, and that
isn't.
Kate Aldrich (32:38):
Sorry, I just got an eye.
Look there, wait a second.
Brad Aldrich (32:42):
No, I mean, it's great to have something to start
and to talk about and thosekinds of things.
But that's not connection right, like that's not actually, you
know, getting heart to heartswith people.
Kate Aldrich (32:55):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (32:56):
And so I think we obviously miss each other so
much.
Right, one of the things that Iwill firmly say, I think, one
of the things that I I willfirmly say, I think one of the
things that have helped us alongthe way, is that my love
language has been quality timefor that man a long time oh.
Kate Aldrich (33:16):
So we have all of this to owe to your quality time
, love language.
Brad Aldrich (33:19):
I think that helps me to go.
I want the time with you, Okay,Right, and so I think that
drives me to kind of get to thisplace of like I really really
do want to work more because Iget the accolades or that kind
(33:40):
of stuff at work, but I alsoreally really want you.
I want to spend time with you.
I want to be with you, so Ithink expressing that has been a
helpful thing for us to workout this.
My needs aren't being met thing,both sexual needs and physical
and emotional, and all the other, all the other.
Kate Aldrich (34:03):
All the other.
Brad Aldrich (34:04):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (34:05):
I think that we definitely work through this,
thankfully at a time in ourmarriage, because I think every
marriage has to figure this out.
So if you're figuring it out,don't feel like you're doing it
wrong.
But I think we had to figurethis out at a time where the
Lord was actually preparing forus, so that we wouldn't have to
figure this out at a time wherethe Lord was actually preparing
for us.
Brad Aldrich (34:25):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (34:26):
So that we wouldn't have to figure it out
now.
I mean, we still have to, like,keep it as a focus but, the Lord
helped us figure this outprobably 10, I don't know, the
years go by and I can't, but ouroldest would have been around
11.
So, like, I think we figured itout about 10 years ago, around
11.
So, like, I think we figured itout about 10 years ago and now
(34:47):
that our life is I don't knowhow I'd sum it up you guys have
heard us talk.
It's very full of caring forno-transcript.
We lead boring lives.
Like I was just thinking aboutthis, we lead very boring lives
and I'm not sorry about thatbecause, because it takes up so
(35:10):
much of our mental space, somuch of our home space.
We don't do much with otherpeople.
Not that we don't havecommunity, don't get me wrong.
Community don't get me wrong.
But we have had to prioritizeif, if we are going to stay
connected, working long hoursand opening our own business.
(35:30):
Two years ago, like also, lotsof things have changed.
Like that, we, just we we don'tlive the life that everybody
would look at and say, oh,they're really active, they do
all these things.
Brad Aldrich (35:44):
Right.
No, we're not in all thecommittees, we're not in all the
right, that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (35:49):
Oh no, far from it .
In fact, some of our kids arelike can you help with this?
Could you please help with that?
Oh, okay.
You know, but it's just whatI'm saying is like we've given
up a lot of things so that ourmarriage can thrive through this
time.
Brad Aldrich (36:07):
Yeah, that's right .
I do think it is important tobe looking at what is taking up
your emotional and heart focus.
And look, if your spouse issaying you're not meeting my
needs, I think that should be awarning of you need some serious
(36:30):
conversations to figure out whythey're feeling like that.
Mm-hmm.
If you are feeling like myspouse is not meeting my needs,
I think you need to have someserious conversations with
yourself of what are your needs?
How are you communicating yourneeds?
How are you trying to hear yourspouse's needs and, you know,
(36:55):
trying to figure out how youguys get back on the same page?
Kate Aldrich (36:59):
And how are you taking care of your own needs?
Because I'll just plop this inhere at the end like most of us,
get married with anunthought-out expectation, so
it's not cognizant.
An unthought-out expectation ofthis person is going to make me
all better.
They're going to fill all of myinsecurities they're gonna
(37:21):
right.
And really I think marriage hasbeen as much of a process of
figuring myself out and figuringout how to care for myself well
as it is to figuring out how tocare for you and care for our
marriage right so I think right,your spouse literally cannot be
(37:41):
making all of your needs better.
Brad Aldrich (37:45):
Yes, correct, and I think we have used this word
of why aren't my needs being metas a conduit for divorce?
And if you are chasing that,I'm not happy.
Divorce is not going to makeyou happier.
(38:08):
I'm not saying there's notsometimes reasons.
I'm not in none of that, but Idon't think.
Kate Aldrich (38:15):
It's just about happiness?
Absolutely not, it's just abouthappiness.
Brad Aldrich (38:18):
It's just about my needs aren't being met.
I think we need to take a hardlook at how you're trying to
take care of your own needs, howyou're where your needs are
coming from, what you're doingin relationship, because
something's missing.
Kate Aldrich (38:35):
And I think if you need help puzzling that out,
reach out to us.
Like I feel like you're notalone and most people need
someone else to help them puzzlesome of this out.
That's really really normal andreally really healthy yeah,
absolutely it is so, and thenyou can let us know on our
(38:55):
socials, like what did you likeabout us just talking it out
right here, instead of talkingit out beforehand and then
trying to be more polished about?
Brad Aldrich (39:05):
it.
There you go.
Well, I hope you enjoyed thatand would love to hear some of
your thoughts.
For sure, drop us a line on oursocial medias, at
stillbecomingone, on Facebookand Instagram, and we would love
to hear from you.
Kate Aldrich (39:21):
Yeah, let us know if you think Brad should cook
every single night too.
Brad Aldrich (39:26):
No, don't do that.
Kate Aldrich (39:28):
All right.
Brad Aldrich (39:29):
Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (39:31):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Brad Aldrich (39:50):
Be kind and take care of each other.
Still Becoming One is aproduction of Aldrich Ministries
.
Thank you.
Show notes and links toresources in all of our social
media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts
(41:23):
no-transcript.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
Kate Aldrich (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
Brad Aldrich (00:15):
Now as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches.
We help couples to regain hopeand joy.
Kate Aldrich (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us, as we are still
becoming one.
Brad Aldrich (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
Hello everyone, Welcome back toStill Becoming One.
Kate Aldrich (00:34):
Yeah, welcome back .
Brad Aldrich (00:36):
We are glad to be here today.
Kate Aldrich (00:38):
Yeah, it feels like fall in our area.
I always give a weather report.
Yes, you do.
It's starting to feel like fall.
It's so exciting.
And guess what I did this lastweek?
Everybody.
Brad Aldrich (00:50):
Put up the Christmas tree.
Kate Aldrich (00:53):
I did, and my husband has grown so much in the
years since we got married.
Brad Aldrich (01:00):
And I only grown a little.
Kate Aldrich (01:02):
No, you actually said to me you know it's been a
hard time in our family, like aswe've expressed, like that
hasn't?
We've had some ebbs and flows.
You know, I said I just lovethe Christmas tree.
It's full of light, I lovecelebrating Christmas and I
don't know, it was a couple ofweeks ago, I didn't do it as
(01:31):
immediately as you said it, butyou said go ahead, put it up,
almost begrudgingly.
But I put it up this week andwe don't put ornaments on it
this early.
We'll wait for our boys to comehome from college for that.
But just the light, it's justnice.
Brad Aldrich (01:41):
It's fine, it's lovely, it's fine, it's lovely,
it's fine, you know what?
But and I've said this beforewhat it is for me is, I'm add
enough that I really only noticenew things and so I don't like
it disappearing for me, likethat.
Yeah, I hear people who leaveit up all year round and stuff
and then it wouldn't meananything to me, it'd just be
(02:02):
there yeah, I get.
Kate Aldrich (02:04):
I mean, I guess I could figure out a way to have
the lights in some other form,not the tree, because that's
what I really love is the lights.
Brad Aldrich (02:12):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (02:12):
I always have.
As a kid I used to sit and justsit in front of the tree and
look at the lights.
There's a lot of story for mein Christmas time, but I honor
that and this year's probably alittle earlier than we've ever
done it's okay, I I really don'tmind, it does just become
static.
Brad Aldrich (02:33):
It becomes static and I don't actually recognize
it, and I like to actuallyrecognize it.
Kate Aldrich (02:37):
Well, that's all for me the good news is we don't
have the space to keep up achristmas tree all year round,
that's true we'd go insane.
So ours is tiny, but it stilltakes up a prominent space where
we have a rocking chair, andthe rocking chair gets displaced
, and so don't worry.
Nope, so anyways that's what Idid this week to bring a little
light into my life.
Brad Aldrich (03:00):
Yeah, that's an important thing, right?
It is Doing things that bringlight and joy are important
activities Exactly.
Kate Aldrich (03:08):
Well, brad and I were bouncing back and forth
this subject for today and Ilooked at him and said why don't
we just have this conversation?
On the podcast instead of.
We're kind of debating thedefinition of something, so
we'll just debate it in front ofyou.
You guys can see how thisprocess works.
Brad Aldrich (03:26):
Right.
So this basically started bysomebody saying hey, we have
this issue, and then we've beentalking about it and it's
actually something we hear notinfrequently from clients that
we work with.
So the comment was my needsaren't being met, and so we were
(03:50):
kind of debating the ways thatwe've heard that.
What does that mean and what dowe do about that?
Kate Aldrich (03:55):
Yes, and the dichotomy we feel of like in a
marriage relationship and reallyin any relationship.
Where do we feel thatresponsibility and join that
person?
Where do we say you know you'reresponsible for that.
It's like all these thingsright there is.
Brad Aldrich (04:15):
There's a lot of different things.
So, yes, I think that twoplaces that I hear that comment
being made, and they're slightlydifferent.
The first is generally fromwomen, but it could be from
either, about, like my emotionalneeds aren't being met.
(04:37):
My, you know, you're not makingme happy.
Kate Aldrich (04:43):
Is that me?
Does that mean you're notpursuing me happy?
Is that me?
Does that mean you're notpursuing me the way I want to be
pursued?
Brad Aldrich (04:50):
I think somewhat.
I think it's just thisrealization that I think many
couples get to of we are in thiskind of doldrums of life that
we're just doing life next toeach other, of life that we're
just doing life next to eachother, and we look at this
(05:10):
person who we wanted to be happywith, and we go, they're not
making me happy and probably, ifI'm honest, there are things
that are actively doing theopposite.
There are things that areannoying you.
Either it's messes or theydidn't get this thing done, or
that they said they were goingto do those kind of things where
(05:32):
there's kind of constantirritants.
Kate Aldrich (05:37):
Okay, I see what you're saying.
Brad Aldrich (05:38):
It's not conflict necessarily, right, but it's
this person's not making mehappy and there's constant like
kind of little irritations thatare happening like sandpaper?
Yeah, exactly, and I thinkthat's one of the places that I
get to this of like my needsaren't being met but how does
that translate?
Kate Aldrich (05:58):
you said, it's mainly women I would imagine
that translate like also to men?
I think so.
My knees aren't being met andthere are constant irritants.
Brad Aldrich (06:09):
No, I would agree with that.
I think there's similaritieshere.
I think men are sometimes morelikely to add in the sexual need
component into this, but Ithink similar right and I I
don't want to pigeonhole thisbecause I think it does go both
(06:31):
sides.
The first I've seen severaltimes from um I'm trying to say
this diplomatically, um, butI'll just say it like okay, I've
seen it several times fromwomen who are stay-at-home moms
who have launched their kidsinto school and still have a
(06:54):
million things to do, but thenare more acutely aware of how
much their husband is gettingfulfillment at work and other
places and they're just feelingalone, right, they're just kind
of going through life alone well, and to counter that, because
(07:15):
this is what we do um?
Kate Aldrich (07:17):
I would say we hear that from men when they
have infants and toddlers.
Brad Aldrich (07:22):
Oh, yes, absolutely.
I see that all the time.
Kate Aldrich (07:26):
Right.
Brad Aldrich (07:26):
So I just want to be like oh fair, oh my gosh.
Kate Aldrich (07:29):
Yes, yeah so.
Brad Aldrich (07:34):
I just and what?
This is so unfair.
But I'm thinking of several.
I'm going to get in trouble forthis because we went through
this, so that's why I'm sayingit.
Like I'm seeing several guyswho are in this place where
their wives are homeschoolingtheir chose.
They, they've chosen thatthat's the best thing for their,
(07:56):
their, husband and wife haschosen and you know husband then
has to do a lot of extra worksometimes to make up for income
that obviously the wife is notbringing in in income.
Sure.
And trying to make that work.
And then the challenge offeeling like they're never
(08:20):
meeting the wife's standard ofwhat they are supposed to do
when they get home.
Okay, meeting the wife'sstandard of what they are
supposed to do when they gethome, and that place of then she
says I'm not meeting her needsand he just feels like it's an
impossible task.
That is something I run into.
Kate Aldrich (08:42):
I have thoughts, I have lots of thoughts.
Brad Aldrich (08:43):
They have thoughts .
Kate Aldrich (08:43):
This is the problem with doing this.
My thoughts might be raw.
I mean, I guess, well, and wecan both come from this
perspective because we did allof that literally.
Well, let me start here.
Did you feel that way?
Brad Aldrich (09:03):
Well, let me start here.
Did you feel that way?
I felt sometimes.
There were times where I feltlike the pressures that were
pulling me on both sides were soreal that I didn't know what to
do with that.
What does that mean?
So, part of this time I was theexecutive director of a
(09:25):
Christian counseling center andI had a board, who I was
responsible for, that would saythese things need to get done,
or whatever, and I would feelthis expectation, responsibility
, pull at work to do X, y, Z,and then I would know I'd come
home and I'd be like I'm, I feellike I'm disappointing you
(09:48):
because I'm not doing xyz hereand I would feel this kind of
somewhat impossible tug of warat times for sure now I will say
we I was I was not superdemanding.
And you actually were reallygood at recognizing when the
(10:10):
demands of work went up and wewould talk about it and because
I would actively say I want tobe here more.
I want to do this, but Iobviously can't.
I have a job, that I need to dothis, but I obviously can't.
I have a job that I need to doand so I think, because you saw
my desires were for you, it waseasier for you to kind of give
(10:35):
me the freedom that I needed totake care of that responsibility
, like that's how I felt, likeit worked out well, but I
certainly felt that tension.
Kate Aldrich (10:48):
Yeah, this is just a very complex situation to
talk about because I think, likeI think back on that time and I
also know that I was trying tochange who I was as a wife,
trying to be aware of not justmyself but you, as a wife,
trying to be aware of not justmyself but you.
(11:10):
But I also think I didn't do avery good job due to my story,
because I didn't understand itat that point to expressing my
own needs like so I went fromand this is just me not
understanding why I was so,could be so irritated or could
have these expectations and havethem not met and be upset to.
(11:32):
I have to be uber submissiveand tell you okay, you have this
big thing coming up, go dowhatever you need.
And I think those werebeautiful moments, so don't get
me wrong but they came at thecost of of my own self, and I
(11:53):
only think, for you and I, it'sin the last 10 years that we've
evened that out, right thatyou've also said like I don't
want this to come at the cost ofyour dreams and your right.
So, like I don't know, like itdoes I, it does happen at that
time and I think there are a lotof you know the needs, the
(12:20):
we're not meeting each other'sneeds.
But what does what does thatactually mean?
And how much do you actuallyknow yourself?
And I don't know.
There's just so much packed inthere.
Brad Aldrich (12:32):
There is and I mean I think this is a big issue
for men, because and I'm goingto go back to you, know, this is
one of the things that we dotalk about, I'm going to go back
to you, know, this is one ofthe things that we do talk about
that I do think men are alittle bit more driven towards
how they are going to providefor their family, which means
(12:52):
they are focused on their workmore than you know, more than
necessarily like.
what does raising the kids mean?
Now, it doesn't mean that theydon't care about that.
In fact, they care deeply aboutthose things.
Kate Aldrich (13:06):
Yeah, and there are some families that that's
the opposite.
Brad Aldrich (13:09):
Of course.
Societally that's notstatistically as much Many times
we men do derive a large partof our purpose, the things that
help us feel fulfilled by whatwe do for work.
And so then it does get thiskind of fulfilling nature where
(13:36):
that's meeting some needs right.
But now you're telling me I'mnot meeting your needs so I have
to do X, y, z, I have to do allof these things when I come
home in order to meet your needs, and it just adds to that
tension.
But of course we want thathappy family, we want that
(13:57):
connectedness, we want thatspace and we totally understand
that doing the dishes may helpthat.
Kate Aldrich (14:06):
But it it does, it just adds to this tension yeah,
I don't, I don't know, like Idon't know what to say to that,
because I think you know forthis day at home, moms, but this
isn't everyone, obviously, andI've done all of the mixes too
brad and I decided full timefrom the beginning of our
(14:27):
marriage we would just make surewe did it all, just kidding um,
but no, no, try it all, seewhat works.
Brad Aldrich (14:33):
You worked while I was in grad school full time,
so you were putting us while wehad our youngest and he went to
daycare like and I've workedpart-time and been a mom.
You've done the mix.
Kate Aldrich (14:46):
We've done all the mix, and I'm sure full-time
working moms can relate to thattoo.
I think.
For us, though, when we had ouryoungest, our oldest I don't
know why I'm saying our youngestwhen we had our oldest, we were
both working.
Yeah, we were Right.
Brad Aldrich (15:03):
So it was equalas.
We are oldest, we were bothworking.
Kate Aldrich (15:05):
Yeah, we were Right.
So, like we were, it was equal.
We were both coming home, we'reboth exhausted, we're both
trying to have good family timewith him, get him to bed, you
know, have good routines for him, all these things.
So I don't know that.
I guess that that time seemedlike more even playing field.
I don't know.
You probably felt like youcouldn't, you couldn't say those
(15:28):
things as much.
Brad Aldrich (15:29):
I think that's accurate, right, I think there
is a place that, when it's okay,we're both working full time
and so now we both have tofigure out how we're going to
run this family and we're goingto run this house, like it is
more even than you know, andstill, I think we kind of get to
(15:50):
this place of how do we meeteach other's needs, and this is
one of the tensions that I seeright, just to make this even
more complex.
I think this happens and thedefault need that many men fall
to is sex, where the defaultneed that many women fall to is
(16:15):
we need time or emotionalconnection together first.
Okay.
Right, and so when we're shorton time and so when we're short
on time.
I think this is where it getsmore pressured that men are
looking for.
Kate Aldrich (16:30):
okay, let's have sex and women are looking for
the emotional, pursuing,connected relationship.
I don't think that's alwaystrue, Like that is kind of
stereotypically the way it goes.
Brad Aldrich (16:46):
I understand.
Kate Aldrich (16:48):
But if you're in reversed roles, just flip it, oh
my gosh.
Yeah, because it's worthtalking about.
And I think the marriagerelationship and this is what I
was saying in the beginning isso unique in that we can't just
consider ourselves anymore, butat the same time we can express
our needs and our desires andhope that our spouse can meet us
(17:11):
in that space.
But if they can't, there isthis strange dichotomy of like
well, we can't just livesingularly.
Brad Aldrich (17:22):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (17:22):
We also can't require anyone to meet our needs
, even our spouse.
Brad Aldrich (17:28):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (17:29):
So it gets fuzzy and people don't know where.
Where is it that you knowyou're not meeting my needs, so
but where is the point where Ihave to worry about my own needs
Correct and we're not?
I'm suggesting, like, gettingthem cared for in a healthy
(17:51):
manner.
I'm not talking about anythingunhealthy, but yeah, I don't
know.
It's such a, it's such abalance that I feel spouses have
to constantly talk about it andconstantly be like what's what,
like what's honoring of you,what are your needs?
How can we work on that?
How can we work on mine?
Brad Aldrich (18:12):
Yeah, I mean straight off, I will say nobody
can be responsible for meetingall of your needs except for
yourself.
Right, right.
Nobody can be responsible forknowing all of your needs except
for yourself.
Right, right.
Kate Aldrich (18:25):
Nobody can be responsible for knowing all of
your needs except for you,absolutely so you need to be
able to identify.
Plus, you married a mind reader.
Brad Aldrich (18:29):
Right.
You need to be able to identifyyour needs and advocate for how
they're going to be met.
Kate Aldrich (18:36):
But not always expecting they be met by anyone
Correct, by other people, Ishould say, so that means time
for rest, time for exercise,time for socialization time.
Brad Aldrich (18:50):
For all of those things that happen.
There is a place that you needto be a part of advocating for
it.
I think one of the just sittinghere one of the things that
really helped us get throughthis challenge is this reality
where I always felt like youwanted to understand, when I
(19:14):
felt like I was in a tug of war,because I think you understood.
I wanted to be with you, Iwanted to spend time with you, I
wanted to spend time with thekids, and so if something was
happening, then I think youautomatically did understand
(19:39):
that there was something pullingon the other side, and I think
I regularly saw you trying to atleast understand why I felt
pulled.
And I think that is such animportant principle because,
from either side right, if yourspouse is not meeting your need,
I really would encourage you totry to understand what's
(20:05):
pulling them in the otherdirection, because there's
usually something that ispulling there and whether it be
work, whether it be too muchtime, you know too much stress
with the kids, you know there'ssomething that's pulling that is
(20:25):
preventing them from havingthat time.
Kate Aldrich (20:29):
Right, and that's a two-way street.
Absolutely, it is I think thechallenge for most stay-at-home
moms right if it's equal we'reboth working full-time it feels
like it's an even playing field.
I think for many moms who stayhome, it feels like they're
doing less.
Brad Aldrich (20:47):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (20:48):
Because they're in the house.
Brad Aldrich (20:49):
They're not, it's just.
Kate Aldrich (20:52):
They're definitely not, and any dad who stayed
home with his kids all day longknows it's not Right.
I mean, you said many timeslike I'd rather.
Brad Aldrich (21:04):
Oh my gosh, I would much rather have gone than
when our kids were little.
Kate Aldrich (21:08):
That sounds bad.
Brad Aldrich (21:09):
You loved her.
I adored them but I.
Kate Aldrich (21:11):
It's not what you did every day.
Brad Aldrich (21:13):
No, there's no way I could do that every day.
Kate Aldrich (21:15):
But I think it's important to mention because we
see that come up, you can readit on the stay-at-home moms of
like I realize I'm not giving asmuch to the family, like there
is this automatic deficit and Ido think then it it kind of um
(21:36):
adds to the potential bitterness, or you know.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Brad Aldrich (21:42):
like, I do, I and I think I.
I mean there is some exception,like something I'm just trying
to think through mindset, mymindset.
Like there was a shift of whenyou know, when we were both
working full-time and cominghome, it was like, hey,
whoever's home first has to cookdinner, right, because somebody
(22:05):
had to do it.
Kate Aldrich (22:06):
Guys, those were the times I drove slow as slow
could be.
If I could get Brad to cook, Iwould take an hour to come home.
Brad Aldrich (22:16):
I think sometimes those became more logical.
That then when it's one personis staying home, that then when
it's one person is staying home,it almost kind of defaults to
well, these are your jobs andthat often is not fair, right
that that doesn't happen.
Kate Aldrich (22:31):
I was going to say are we going to get off on this
cooking thing, Because that's awhole other podcast and my
issues with cooking.
Brad Aldrich (22:37):
No, I don't think it's just cooking.
I think it's all of the thingsthat kind of go to keep a home
that I think become thestay-at-home person's job.
The problem is that never ends.
Kate Aldrich (22:51):
It's 24-7.
It's not just that.
I think.
When you say that out loud,that sounds to me like a
homemaker, not a mom.
And yes, in an ideal world shewould keep the kids happy and
engaged and do all of the choresall day, but kids don't usually
allow you to do that right andyou have to get through the
(23:15):
stage where all of them are ableto be, where you can walk out
into the laundry room and nothave to worry that somebody's
going to hurt themselves or hurtsomebody else, or laundry room
and not have to worry thatsomebody's gonna hurt themselves
or hurt somebody else, or rightlike it, it isn't realistic.
Yes, when they get to a certainage it's different, but then
they're all in activities and itjust, yeah, it gets muddy.
Brad Aldrich (23:36):
But I hear what you're saying of like trying to
understand what is pulling theother person right, right, and
not making the assumption thatthey don't want to meet your
needs and I think that is one ofthe things we talk about often
is hey, let's start with thedefault that you love each other
, right.
And sometimes when we'reworking with a couple, we'll
(23:58):
talk about, like, what was yourlast vacation?
Like, and if they get alongreally well on vacation, they
end up having great vacation sexthey end up enjoying each other
and having fun.
Kate Aldrich (24:12):
What about great emotional connection?
Brad Aldrich (24:15):
I'm going to all of those right.
They have a great connectingtime and emotional connection
time.
If they're doing all of that onvacation, then part of the
issue is the things that arepulling them away from that at
home.
Right, it's there All of theformula is there for them.
(24:35):
It's just there's so manythings that are getting in the
way, sure, and that is a goodindicator.
Kate Aldrich (24:40):
But I think a lot of times we meet with couples
and vacation isn't great either.
That's different Vacation pullsthe same stressor.
Brad Aldrich (24:57):
They have the same feelings, thoughts, arguments
conflict.
So yes, I get that, but that'swhy we sometimes ask that
question of where are you inthat, because if it is just the
things that are pulling at you,then you maintain that
assumption that this is what theperson wants.
They want to be there, theywant to spend time with you and
there is something else pullingthem, and that might be the
credit card bill, that may beyou know work responsibilities,
(25:21):
that might be you knowexpectations of you know helping
with kids, with homework, likethere could be so many different
things that are pulling, thatare keeping you from that place
yeah now I think it gets harderif it is like you said, of like
yep, the vacation is still awfuland I feel like my emotional
(25:45):
needs are never considered, ormy sexual needs are never
considered, or my, you know,time needs are never considered.
Any of that.
Then where do people go?
Kate Aldrich (25:56):
but I think it's also worth mentioning we can
only approach this the way we'retalking about approaching it if
there has not, because we deala lot with betrayal.
Brad Aldrich (26:08):
Correct.
Kate Aldrich (26:09):
If betrayal has entered the marriage, then it is
different and that's a wholeother podcast.
Brad Aldrich (26:16):
You mean, like so, trying to heal from an affair
or something like that.
Kate Aldrich (26:20):
Yeah, pornography, like all the things we talk
about, it's the needs, like wehave to talk about them
differently and it is veryindividualized to each um couple
and what they've experiencedand how they process their hurt
or process their, uh, whatthey've done those kinds of
(26:41):
things.
So I only say that because Idon't want we don't want anyone
ever to use our podcast to throwat anybody else.
But I'm just saying like ifthere's been betrayal, it's a
different journey that we haveto kind of navigate.
Brad Aldrich (26:56):
There's a healing journey that has to happen
before there's the evenness ofmeeting each other's needs
Correct before there's theevenness of meeting each other's
needs.
Kate Aldrich (27:04):
Correct.
But there's also even whenyou're at a healing spot, you
don't get to take off thebetrayal glasses.
It still will impact it for therest of your life, not in a bad
way.
But we recognize this happenedand we do things differently
(27:24):
because of this kind of thing,not in a guilt or like shame
following someone.
It's just, this is part of ourjourney and we can't forget it.
Right so right, I just thinkthat's important to say.
But yeah, I mean I don't know.
I think this is a really goodconversation to continue to have
(27:44):
, for couples to have, because Ithink it is complicated.
Brad Aldrich (27:49):
So what would you say to a wife who is feeling
like her husband never ismeeting her needs?
Kate Aldrich (27:58):
Okay, really You're asking me that?
Yeah, okay, I would say sheneeds to do story work.
What does that mean?
Really, you're asking me that?
Yeah, okay, I would say sheneeds to do story work because
there's so much right we couldhave and I used to when um, I
don't so much anymore, but Iused to speak to mom's groups
all the time and we could have awhole bunch of the same women
(28:20):
going through the same lifestage and think that their
responses are very similar andthey may be, but to truly
understand each of our responses, we have to understand our
individualized story.
Right, like why is that?
I know for me when we werefirst married and our kids were
young.
(28:40):
I have lots of things from mystory that make me feel insecure
and that sounds like a veryuniversal word, but like being
assured that Brad um was goingto continue to love and pursue
me for who I am.
Like that wasn't there, basedon a lot of the things that I
(29:05):
experienced as a child.
Sure, right, and then mystrategies to help myself with
those things I experienced as achild was do it all on my own.
Brad Aldrich (29:16):
Right.
Kate Aldrich (29:17):
Right.
So if I'm feeling like you maybe wavering in that for some
reason which you weren't it's mystory telling me that I'm going
to start doing everything on myown but also be irritated that
you're not helping.
Right, we have to understandour story to be able to
understand.
So, oh yeah, it was so good, itwas great.
Brad Aldrich (29:40):
No, no, but I think the awareness of just
being able to say my needsaren't being met means that we
need to come back to.
We need to understand why ourneeds are there and why we're
having trouble getting them met,that it is not just about our
(30:02):
spouse isn't doing X, Y, Z orthey aren't jumping through all
these hoops, but there arethings that you can learn
individually that are going tohelp.
Kate Aldrich (30:11):
True, but I would also say your husband needs to
do the same work.
Brad Aldrich (30:16):
Absolutely.
Kate Aldrich (30:16):
Because his response isn't solely based on
the fact that the Lord said like, solely based on the fact that
the Lord said like, you willtoil in the ground and all of
that Like.
I think that is part of who menare, but it's not solely.
Brad Aldrich (30:34):
No, it is not all that we are, and if that was all
that we were going to be, wewouldn't get married Right Like
there's a reason that we wantedrelationships and wanted to be
in relationship.
Kate Aldrich (30:45):
Right, but what I'm saying is like I don't want
women to feel like they have todo all this work and the husband
just gets to stand behind whileI feel pulled.
Okay, there's more to it foryou as well, sure.
Brad Aldrich (30:56):
Absolutely.
Why is it that we feel thatpull to get the accolades or the
positive reinforcement fromwork?
What is some of that?
How do we actually take care ofourselves?
How do we say no right towhatever it is that's in between
?
And look, we can't just blamethis on time right, like the
(31:21):
amount of hours that disappearinto TV football Instagram
social media et cetera right.
Kate Aldrich (31:32):
American football.
Brad Aldrich (31:33):
Both of them right , like the amount of time that
goes into those activitiescontinues to go up year after
year after year and we'resitting here saying, oh, we
don't have any time.
Well, no, we have time.
We choose to put it into otherthings and we have to recognize
(31:55):
why.
Mostly because I think we'reexhausted, we're stressed out,
we're you know all of the thingsthat are happening because we
aren't actually doing anythingto take care of ourselves.
Kate Aldrich (32:07):
Are you talking about us or the world?
The world or the United States?
I guess we can't speak for theworld.
Brad Aldrich (32:12):
I mean, I think everybody is kind of
experiencing this disconnectionwith the people that they love
the most and unfortunately thissocial media has sold us this
idea.
That connection happens inlittle snippets of exciting
(32:34):
video or funny video that weshare with each other, and that
isn't.
Kate Aldrich (32:38):
Sorry, I just got an eye.
Look there, wait a second.
Brad Aldrich (32:42):
No, I mean, it's great to have something to start
and to talk about and thosekinds of things.
But that's not connection right, like that's not actually, you
know, getting heart to heartswith people.
Kate Aldrich (32:55):
Yeah.
Brad Aldrich (32:56):
And so I think we obviously miss each other so
much.
Right, one of the things that Iwill firmly say, I think, one
of the things that I I willfirmly say, I think one of the
things that have helped us alongthe way, is that my love
language has been quality timefor that man a long time oh.
Kate Aldrich (33:16):
So we have all of this to owe to your quality time
, love language.
Brad Aldrich (33:19):
I think that helps me to go.
I want the time with you, Okay,Right, and so I think that
drives me to kind of get to thisplace of like I really really
do want to work more because Iget the accolades or that kind
(33:40):
of stuff at work, but I alsoreally really want you.
I want to spend time with you.
I want to be with you, so Ithink expressing that has been a
helpful thing for us to workout this.
My needs aren't being met thing,both sexual needs and physical
and emotional, and all the other, all the other.
Kate Aldrich (34:03):
All the other.
Brad Aldrich (34:04):
Yes.
Kate Aldrich (34:05):
I think that we definitely work through this,
thankfully at a time in ourmarriage, because I think every
marriage has to figure this out.
So if you're figuring it out,don't feel like you're doing it
wrong.
But I think we had to figurethis out at a time where the
Lord was actually preparing forus, so that we wouldn't have to
figure this out at a time wherethe Lord was actually preparing
for us.
Brad Aldrich (34:25):
Yeah.
Kate Aldrich (34:26):
So that we wouldn't have to figure it out
now.
I mean, we still have to, like,keep it as a focus but, the Lord
helped us figure this outprobably 10, I don't know, the
years go by and I can't, but ouroldest would have been around
11.
So, like, I think we figured itout about 10 years ago, around
11.
So, like, I think we figured itout about 10 years ago and now
(34:47):
that our life is I don't knowhow I'd sum it up you guys have
heard us talk.
It's very full of caring forno-transcript.
We lead boring lives.
Like I was just thinking aboutthis, we lead very boring lives
and I'm not sorry about thatbecause, because it takes up so
(35:10):
much of our mental space, somuch of our home space.
We don't do much with otherpeople.
Not that we don't havecommunity, don't get me wrong.
Community don't get me wrong.
But we have had to prioritizeif, if we are going to stay
connected, working long hoursand opening our own business.
(35:30):
Two years ago, like also, lotsof things have changed.
Like that, we, just we we don'tlive the life that everybody
would look at and say, oh,they're really active, they do
all these things.
Brad Aldrich (35:44):
Right.
No, we're not in all thecommittees, we're not in all the
right, that kind of stuff.
Kate Aldrich (35:49):
Oh no, far from it .
In fact, some of our kids arelike can you help with this?
Could you please help with that?
Oh, okay.
You know, but it's just whatI'm saying is like we've given
up a lot of things so that ourmarriage can thrive through this
time.
Brad Aldrich (36:07):
Yeah, that's right .
I do think it is important tobe looking at what is taking up
your emotional and heart focus.
And look, if your spouse issaying you're not meeting my
needs, I think that should be awarning of you need some serious
(36:30):
conversations to figure out whythey're feeling like that.
Mm-hmm.
If you are feeling like myspouse is not meeting my needs,
I think you need to have someserious conversations with
yourself of what are your needs?
How are you communicating yourneeds?
How are you trying to hear yourspouse's needs and, you know,
(36:55):
trying to figure out how youguys get back on the same page?
Kate Aldrich (36:59):
And how are you taking care of your own needs?
Because I'll just plop this inhere at the end like most of us,
get married with anunthought-out expectation, so
it's not cognizant.
An unthought-out expectation ofthis person is going to make me
all better.
They're going to fill all of myinsecurities they're gonna
(37:21):
right.
And really I think marriage hasbeen as much of a process of
figuring myself out and figuringout how to care for myself well
as it is to figuring out how tocare for you and care for our
marriage right so I think right,your spouse literally cannot be
(37:41):
making all of your needs better.
Brad Aldrich (37:45):
Yes, correct, and I think we have used this word
of why aren't my needs being metas a conduit for divorce?
And if you are chasing that,I'm not happy.
Divorce is not going to makeyou happier.
(38:08):
I'm not saying there's notsometimes reasons.
I'm not in none of that, but Idon't think.
Kate Aldrich (38:15):
It's just about happiness?
Absolutely not, it's just abouthappiness.
Brad Aldrich (38:18):
It's just about my needs aren't being met.
I think we need to take a hardlook at how you're trying to
take care of your own needs, howyou're where your needs are
coming from, what you're doingin relationship, because
something's missing.
Kate Aldrich (38:35):
And I think if you need help puzzling that out,
reach out to us.
Like I feel like you're notalone and most people need
someone else to help them puzzlesome of this out.
That's really really normal andreally really healthy yeah,
absolutely it is so, and thenyou can let us know on our
(38:55):
socials, like what did you likeabout us just talking it out
right here, instead of talkingit out beforehand and then
trying to be more polished about?
Brad Aldrich (39:05):
it.
There you go.
Well, I hope you enjoyed thatand would love to hear some of
your thoughts.
For sure, drop us a line on oursocial medias, at
stillbecomingone, on Facebookand Instagram, and we would love
to hear from you.
Kate Aldrich (39:21):
Yeah, let us know if you think Brad should cook
every single night too.
Brad Aldrich (39:26):
No, don't do that.
Kate Aldrich (39:28):
All right.
Brad Aldrich (39:29):
Until next time, I'm Brad Aldrich.
Kate Aldrich (39:31):
And I'm Kate Aldrich.
Brad Aldrich (39:50):
Be kind and take care of each other.
Still Becoming One is aproduction of Aldrich Ministries
.
Thank you.
Show notes and links toresources in all of our social
media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecomingonecom and don't
forget to like this episodewherever you get your podcasts
(41:23):
no-transcript.
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