Goal-Setting for Women: Understanding your Strengths with Caroline Adams Miller

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Goal-Setting for Women: Understanding your Strengths with Caroline Adams Miller  - Part 2

In part two of my interview with Caroline Adams Miller, she explores goal setting for women.  We talk about gender differences and what women can do to achieve their dreams. 

The episode explores how women can effectively achieve their big goals by understanding their character strengths and confiding in the right supportive networks. Carolyn Adams Miller shares valuable insights into goal setting, the significance of a strong support system, and practical steps for personal growth.

In this episode, you will learn:

• Gender differences in goal achievement
• The importance of confiding in the right people for support
• Why women benefit from a mastermind group 
• The difference between learning goals and performance goals
• Understanding and utilizing character strengths for success
• Empowering conversations about strengths with family and friends
• Resources for listeners to assess and leverage their strengths

You can take the VIA Character Strength Survey here.  The survey is free. 

Bio:

For over 30 years, Caroline Adams Miller has been a trailblazer in advancing these fields, helping individuals and organizations reach their most ambitious goals and improve overall wellbeing. She was among the first to earn a Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) from the University of Pennsylvania in 2006, a program pioneered by Dr. Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology. Caroline also graduated magna cum laude from Harvard University, laying the groundwork for her future achievements in
psychology and personal development. She is a black-belt martial artist and a Masters swimmer.

Caroline is the author of nine influential books, including:
• My Name is Caroline (Doubleday 1988, Gurze 2000, Cogent 2014), a pioneering recovery memoir that has given hope to countless individuals battling eating disorders.
• Getting Grit (SoundsTrue 2017), which explores the science of perseverance and was recognized as one of the “top ten books that will change your life” in 2017 and one of the “top 25 books that will help you find your purpose” in 2023.
• Creating Your Best Life (Sterling 2009, 2021), a #1-ranked book on goal-setting that combines the science of success with research on happiness and was the first mass-market book to bridge these fields using Locke and Latham’s goalsetting theory.
• Big Goals (Wiley, 2024), which offers an accessible, updated framework for
achieving significant goals, incorporating modern research on mindset, grit,
artificial intelligence, and resilience. It provides practical strategies for both
personal and organizational success, grounded in 15 years of new research in
positive psychology. This book is destined to change the way people view
goalsett

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Episode Transcript

Judy Oskam (00:01):
How can women in particular achieve big goals and
live a dream life, and how canyou find out your top strengths?
Welcome to Stories of Changeand Creativity.
I'm Judy Oskam.
In this episode, I'm sharingpart two of my short interview
with Caroline Adams Miller.
Caroline wrote the book BigGoals the science of setting

(00:22):
them, achieving them andcreating your best life.
Caroline shares her insightabout gender differences related
to goal setting and we talkabout why and how knowing your
character strengths really makesan impact.
I hope you enjoy part two.

Caroline Adams Miller (00:41):
There have been more recent breakdowns
of psychological findings tosee if men and women have the
exact same outcomes fordifferent kinds of protocols.
For you know, leaning in onsalary negotiations, on humility
, on leadership, whatever we'refinding, women's hearts, their
heads, their bodies, how theyabsorb alcohol is different.

(01:04):
Everything's different.
So what I've done is I'velooked at a lot of the research
on goal setting and mindset andother kinds of things and I've
basically said does it work foreveryone the way it has always
worked for mostly white men?
And when I got into the siloaround women, what I realized
and I've seen this for manyyears is that women often

(01:25):
confide in the wrong peopleabout their big dreams and goals
.
And we assume, according to theresearch, we assume that the
people who should be happy forus or who should support us
because they're our family, it'sa mother, it's a sister, it's a
cousin, it's our best friend,we assume they're going to be
happy for us, when in fact,shelley Gable's research from

(01:47):
the University of California,santa Barbara, has found that
there's only one right way torespond to someone's good news
and that's with curiosity andenthusiasm.
And women often rain on otherwomen's parades for all kinds of
reasons and kill their dreams.
We can go into why this is, butthey kill their dreams, often

(02:08):
by ghosting them, often bysaying nothing, often by not
hitting, like on.
LinkedIn or whatever it is, andthat's because many are raised,
according to bio-social theory,to think that women are not
agentic, women are notgoal-directed.
We must be communal, we must bewarm, we must be competent.

Judy Oskam (02:29):
But how dare we be?

Caroline Adams Miller (02:30):
Yes, how dare you think of yourself and
how dare you be ambitious?
So we must confide in the rightpeople.
Everyone should be in amastermind group.
Everybody should have a set ofpeople, male or female, but for
women, women need women.
This is the tend and befriend.
Research it's.
You know, it's a chemical needthat women have oxytocin, the

(02:50):
rest of it.
But find women who are active,constructive responders, curious
, enthusiastic, have a goalsetting virtual mastermind where
every month, you share whatyour goals and dreams are, you
get challenged by people whohave your back and they cheer
for you as you make progress.
This is so, so, so important.
And so for men, the same thingis true.
Have a dream, but men are alittle bit more transactional in

(03:13):
the relationships they have.
Who's going to support them?
So they have no trouble askingpeople to do something for them,
even if they don't know them.
I am fascinated by that, andthey often get support because
that's how they're wired, that'swhat they see succeeding.
So you start with that, youarticulate it, you get the
support, you begin to learn whatit is you need to learn.

(03:36):
You don't expect excellence ona learning goal or a learning
component at first, but you havethat open mindset.
I'm learning it, I'm practicingNot yet, but you must turn that
learning into a performancegoal at a certain point.
So make it clear.
Make your goal clear.
Make the metrics absolutelycrystal clear, whether it's
performance goal or a learninggoal.

(03:56):
Or remember recipe checklist isa performance goal, learning
goal.
Have the metrics in place.
Make them both challenging andspecific.
Chart your progress.
Be accountable.
Be specific.
That's the best place to start.

Judy Oskam (04:11):
I love that.
I love that.
That's such good advice.
I'm a Gallup Strengths coachand I always ask what are your
top strengths?
Do you know what your topstrengths are?
I?

Caroline Adams Miller (04:22):
do?
I use the VIA.
I use the VIA CharacterStrength Survey and my top
strengths are the ability tolove others and be loved back,
creativity, zest, bravery andwisdom.
And those show up every timeI'm writing a book, every time
I'm going out on a limb andsaying something new or

(04:44):
different that might get shotdown.
Whenever I'm showing up forsomebody else, there's often
some bravery, but I find I'm mybest self when all five of those
are showing up.
And Tom Rath of Gallup was in myclass at Penn in that very
first MAP class and we had a lotof discussions about the Gallup
Strengths Finder and the VIA.

(05:06):
And someone even created thismassive Excel spreadsheet where
we all had our VIA strengthslisted and next to them the
Gallup.
So my number one Gallup, and sothey're very complimentary and
it makes sense, Right?
So my number one strength inGallup is competitor.
So you think about my top viastrengths zest, bravery yeah,

(05:29):
you know, those two, I thinkcombined say it all.
So in creativity probably alittle bit, but I think they're
very complimentary.
And I do think that once peopleknow their character strengths,
people tend to flourish morebecause they realize, wow,
that's my fingerprint, that'swho I am, that's my unique
lineup and I'm going to nottreat them as white noise
anymore.

(05:49):
I'm going to lean into them andhave them work for me Do you
find that too.

Judy Oskam (05:52):
Oh, for sure, For sure.
And when I do this withstudents and faculty, you can
see it.
You can see a difference.
The students just really engagein a different way, and to give
them then the tools to talkabout it is really important and
to empower them to be able toown it and the whole name aim

(06:13):
and claim that kind of a deal.
So it really is helpful.
Really is helpful.

Caroline Adams Miller (06:19):
Yeah.
So the VIA.
The reason I really love thatis my mentors created it Marty
Seligman and Chris Peterson andit's been taken by 50 million
people.
It's highly validated,translated into multiple
languages, but the language isso easy to understand.
Kindness is kindness, curiosityis curiosity, bravery,

(06:40):
leadership, teamwork, zest Imean they're all understandable.
And to this day, all three ofmy children say the best
conversations I've ever had withthem are the conversations
where I literally turned into acoach, read their top strengths
and we talked about the goldenmean use of their strengths, the
overuse, the underuse.

(07:01):
And another interesting thingwhich is a sure sign you have a
top strength is when you'reoffended by its absence in
somebody else, and that's alwaysa whoa.
Whoa so and you know so.
Those conversations took place15 years ago almost 20 with my

(07:21):
kids and their friends.
Come to me.
I mean, everybody's hungry forthis knowledge and it's free.

Judy Oskam (07:27):
The VIA is free.
I know I'm having my class.
Take that in the spring.
I'm having them do that and I'llfind the funding for the Gallup
strengths as well, and so yeah,I've had my own kids do it and
take the Gallup and I'll tellthem hey, you've got strategic
in your top five, you willfigure this out, find the path.

(07:50):
Or you've got high adaptabilityput you in any situation,
you're going to be fine.
And so just to kind of pointout that, hey, I know who you
are and I know what you've got.
Now just own it.
And again, allow yourself tojust trust that voice in your
head and that intuition and youwrite about some of that too.

Caroline Adams Miller (08:10):
I do, do I do?
Um, do you?
Do you feel like yourchildren's um walk a little
taller, see things a littledifferently.

Judy Oskam (08:18):
I think they do.
And my, my youngest, is 23right now.
She just moved out toCalifornia and, uh, and she will
say well, mom, you know, I'vegot this or that and I've got,
I've got high futuristic, and soshe's always the planner.
I've got high futuristic, andso she's always the planner.
And so I think they know thelanguage and they know how it

(08:38):
fits within their world.

Caroline Adams Miller (08:40):
Yeah, yeah, but.

Judy Oskam (08:42):
I've I've coached boyfriends and friends, and all
of that too you know?

Caroline Adams Miller (08:46):
so yeah, People are hungry for it.

Judy Oskam (08:49):
Yeah, yeah.

Caroline Adams Miller (08:50):
Yeah, and it's so empowering.

Judy Oskam (08:51):
It's empowering, and I tell them this is your
superpower.
Yes, and but your point aboutnot seeing certain things in
other people is the difficultpart.

Caroline Adams Miller (09:01):
Yes.

Judy Oskam (09:02):
And learning how to work with others who don't
really see it the same.
Yeah, so that's a realchallenge.

Caroline Adams Miller (09:09):
But one thing I wanted to say about
Gallup is I live near the Galluporganization and so the
positive psychology conferenceswere at one time only at the
Gallup organization.
So I remember being there in2005 with my class, and all of
the offices in Gallup havepeople's top five strengths

(09:30):
listed outside their offices,and that always struck me
because you know it made sensethat you should scan the wall,
know who you're going tointeract with, understand how
they see the world, so that youcan language things in a way
that's, you know, appropriatefor how they see the world.
So for competitor for me, ifyou gamify something or you make

(09:51):
it a competition.
I'm in you know, if you knowthat about me, you've got the
secret to my heart.
Yeah, exactly yeah.
It is important for people toflourish as much as they can
within their set point, to thehighest part of their set point,
and knowing your strengths hasbeen found to help people
flourish for as long as they canwithin their set point, to the
highest part of their set point.
And knowing your strengths hasbeen found to help people
flourish for as long as sixmonths after they take the test.

(10:12):
Yeah, yeah, I'm talking aboutthe VIA now, but it's the same.
Yeah, it's a very powerful toolto use.
So, and that's part ofaccomplishing goals too, because
the research has found thatwhen you use your top five
strengths in the service ofpursuing your goals, you're more
likely to achieve them Exactly.

Judy Oskam (10:31):
Exactly.
Thank you for joining me onthis episode of Stories of
Change and Creativity.
What a great resource CarolineAdams Miller provides all of us
about goal setting.
I'll also include a link to thefree VIA strengths assessment
in the show notes.
I think you'll find the resultshelpful and empowering.

(10:52):
So I really encourage you totake that assessment and
remember if you've got a storyto share or know someone who
does reach out to me atjudyoskam.
com.
Thanks so much for listening.