November 22, 2023 • 25 mins
Join us for Part Dos of our Q&A this week. We're tackling inner conflict, working relationships, overwhelm, giving up and more! You asked. We answered. Catch it all now with Stories, Success & Stuff.
A Siarza Production
Hosted by Kristelle Siarza Moon & Jace Downey
Executive Producer: Kristelle Siarza Moon
Producer: Jace Downey
Video/Editing: Justin Otsuka
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jace (00:00):
I used to give a lot of weight to those negative
comments because to me theyseemed more real and helpful.
Like shame is never a catalystfor change.
It's never worked.
It never will.
Upbeat music playing upbeatmusic playing.
Kristelle (00:14):
Another question let's see how do you deal with
your inner bully or critic.
Jace (00:21):
Oh, hmm, I have less and less of that.
It's still in there for sure.
It used to be really mean, likeI'm cringing because I'm like,
oh, I used to be so mean tomyself and my inner critic was
just like everything underscrutiny all the time.
Constantly I'm like I wonderwhat's such a miserable son of a
(00:42):
bitch, like I just had thisvoice telling me I was wrong all
the time.
Um, so I try to meet it withunderstanding and kindness now
and I know that sounds superlame, but I'll be like okay, I
hear you, I'm listening.
Alright, like, I give it time,I give it acknowledgement, I'll
actually consider it.
Like, is there anything usefulin there for me?
(01:03):
Um, and many times I just sassback at this point.
Sass back, oh, I sass back.
Kristelle (01:11):
Oh yeah.
Jace (01:12):
To yourself yes, okay, yeah, I have an inner voice that
is very protective and verysassy and she will jump in and
stand up for me often times,Like so, developing a mama bear
internally has been reallyhelpful for that.
And then I've had to.
I actually and I rememberreading this book in particular
(01:32):
how, what to say when you talkto yourself.
It's one of the best books I'veever read what to say when you
talk to yourself, what to saywhen you talk to yourself, and
it, like has you know, breaksdown the research on how we talk
to ourselves and the impactthat that has, and all of these
different things and like whatwhen we're negative, and all
that.
It was one of the mostmind-blowing books.
Actually, having a standardpractice of changing the way I
(01:54):
talk to myself brought thatinner critics voice way, way,
way way down, so that, oh gosh,if you're, if you have a really
loud critic, that's one of thebest books I could recommend.
Kristelle (02:07):
I do, and it's something that actually, I think
, led to my like mental collapselast week.
I talk about depression rarely.
I talked about my anxiety a lot.
If I was to illustrate whatdoes anxiety look like, it's
just me with more hair andthat's my version of anxiety
Like because I look nuts.
(02:27):
Yeah, I had a mental collapselast week and it was just really
difficult for me to get get by,and I always like to share this
with if, if I'm comfortable,because I want somebody else to
take note of this and just sayyou know, you're not alone.
And I was incredibly hard onmyself last week.
(02:47):
I was saying to myself that Iwas a terrible business owner, I
was a terrible wife, I was aterrible mom and I said to
myself this is not me.
I just need to get out of thisfunk that I'm in.
But I also need to give myselfthe space to be in that low
point, Because I and andsomebody told me this once a
(03:10):
great friend said the onlydirection you're going is up at
that point.
And so whenever I am just abully to myself or a critic to
myself I even tell my son thistoo I say, dude, you need to be
nice to yourself.
You need to be nice to yourselfand just say, look like this
kindness or this bullying thatyou're giving yourself is just
(03:31):
it's not healthy for you andyou're just being really hard on
yourself, it's notaccomplishing anything.
People sometimes just don'twant to be around you anymore
because of the fact that you'rejust difficult on yourself and
they're going to try really hardto tell you how they feel or
try to tell you how great youare, and you just can't listen
because if you're just not inthe right headspace for it.
So I will say that, and one ofthe things I think is kind of
(03:55):
fascinating about myself thatI'm learning, or I have learned,
is that when it's when thehighs are really high, the lows
are really low, and I don't knowwhy that is, but I'm looking
into it.
So that way I stopped being aninner bully to myself.
But think about this August Iget, or August I reconnect with
(04:15):
my family.
September I get married andthen on top of that, we go on
this epic trip for, you know theSan Francisco Cowboys game, and
then all of a sudden we win theCoombra's and the company's
going firing on all cylinders.
So all those five things, I waslike I don't know how much
higher I can get and then all ofa sudden I just crashed and I
(04:38):
just was just a dead to societyat that point in time.
So I think, understanding whymy mind went from that up and
down that rhythm, I don't, Idon't know.
I don't expect to know theanswer.
I just know I'm cognizant of itor I know when it's in my
vicinity, so that way I knowwhat to do to manage it and not
(05:00):
be pushed to that point again ormore importantly, just be nice
to myself.
So that way I don't listen tothat inner critic anymore.
Jace (05:09):
We have this weird idea that negative things are more
accurate or more truthful ormore beneficial.
Like, if you're a very positiveperson and optimistic people,
go well, I'm just a realist.
Like the negative side is morereal and it's not.
And we I used to give a lot ofweight to those negative
comments because to me theyseemed more real and helpful.
Like shame is never a catalystfor change.
(05:30):
It's never worked, it neverwill.
Neither is guilt, yeah, guiltcan't be, because it's like, oh,
we've learned something and allthat, but like actually
attacking oneself doesn't createchange.
It creates more opportunitiesto do this.
You know harmful things toourselves because we think we're
a terrible person.
Yeah Right, so the shame thingisn't helpful.
And then when people startsaying positive things, they
think it's like fluffy or less.
(05:52):
They just less substantial, yeah, and it's like neither is any
more true.
So just pick the one that helpsyou align with who you are in
life you want to live yeah.
Kristelle (06:01):
And then do that, isn't?
It has studies to show thatit's more difficult to actually
be positive than it is to benegative.
Jace (06:07):
We have a negativity bias.
The brain is always looking forthings that's going to going to
cause harm or potentially killus because it's a fight or
flight instinct.
Kristelle (06:14):
Yeah.
Jace (06:14):
So it's alert for those type of things.
So, and we also live in asociety that so many companies
profit off of negativity and offof us being in those like lower
emotions, like fear and angerand things like that.
And now we're in this likereally yucky cycle around it as
well.
Yeah, where I remember sayingsomething that I liked about
(06:34):
myself I think I shared thisbefore and this this woman told
me well, don't you think highlyof yourself, I know?
And I said yes, yeah, don't you?
And like the look on her facewas like oh shit.
And I'm like, yeah, why would Ibe being mean to myself?
Yeah, but we, that's the norm,right, like, if I, you know,
self deprecating humor and allthat is the norm, but it doesn't
(06:55):
have to be inside yet it cantake an extra work.
Kristelle (06:58):
Yeah, it definitely can take extra work.
Jace (07:01):
I say, speaking of depression, which is something I
know, you know I deal withregularly.
It's like a buddy that's alwaysjust hanging out quietly
waiting me like a bad tattoo.
Kristelle (07:09):
Just won't go away.
Jace (07:10):
It's like do you should I jump in yet Do you want?
Do you want me here now?
Kristelle (07:13):
Mine punch me in the face.
Yeah, my, sometimes it'll belike, by the way, I was here the
whole time like building andI'm like great, now we're here,
let's see there was OK.
Jace (07:23):
What do you do when everything feels like too much
and you want to give up?
Kristelle (07:29):
I need to.
I was looking at like thesequestions earlier when you were
talking.
I didn't see that one.
Ok, who that crypto money?
What do you want?
Ok, so say that again.
What?
Jace (07:40):
do you do when everything feels like too much and you want
to give up?
Which sounds kind of a littlebit like what you were
describing from last week.
Kristelle (07:46):
Oh yeah, and now you're on the other side of it.
So what did?
Jace (07:49):
you do what was helpful.
Kristelle (07:53):
Oh, what did I do when I wanted to give up?
I had to reevaluate what was onmy mental list of things I
still wanted to do, because wehad the motivation episode right
where I talked about you knowwhat is my motivation?
Why have I lacks thatmotivation and I have little
things I want to accomplish.
(08:14):
And I have little things I wantto accomplish, but nothing so
major or nothing motivating tobe that major anymore, because
I've already accomplished thebig things I want to do.
Accomplish I wanted to open upa company, be a mom, be married
or have a partner right and havepeople that I love around me
(08:37):
and take care of my family, likeI took care of those things and
I still am right.
So I think what kept me goingwas the fact that it goes back
to the people.
The people around me, right?
The people around me bring meso much life husband, kid you
(08:59):
Justin the rest of the staff,rest of the team, the, the
nonprofit, the mission work thatwe do like.
For example, I got a text fromone of the clients at the Asian
business collaborative that he'sabout to sign, at least on his
new business, and that broughtme so much joy.
It reminded me why I'm stillhere or why I'm still doing what
(09:19):
I do, because knowing that thatperson is doing really well,
but he did it on his own, but heI was behind him, just giving
him a pat on the back, nottelling him what to do.
It was, it was such a joy.
And then I also looked at myaunt.
I hung her picture.
Two weeks ago was her, herdeath anniversary and I hung her
(09:39):
picture in my wall from thepicture I found of her during
the wedding and her legacy stillhasn't been fulfilled yet.
And I feel like there's acouple more things I need to do
to cross off the list to makesure her legacy is still
fulfilled or still continues on.
And I know I'm one of the basisof the puzzle.
For that I'm not the personcontinuing on her legacy.
(10:01):
The whole Asian community is.
But I thought about that and Isaid you know, losing her was so
painful and commemorating herlife, I think, is good
motivation to kind of keep going, right.
So I think about the people thathelp me get to where I am, and
I think about the people thatare around me now and they give
me motivation.
So I don't know if that's thebest answer per se.
(10:24):
I was kind of trying to figurethat question out, but the
people around me bring me joy.
So, yeah, no, don't, don't,don't, don't, don't.
You look like you're going tocry.
I'm not going to cry.
Jace (10:36):
I'm just thinking.
You know this is something thatI've come up against many times
.
I think all of us do right, andespecially anybody who does set
outside of convention and dotheir own thing.
It's a tough journey and a lotcomes up in that and there's a
lot of loneliness that can comeup, that sense of nobody
understands type of thing andwhatnot.
And I'm just viewing differentversions of myself from the past
(11:00):
that are right there where youwere talking.
Kristelle (11:04):
There was a Cards Against Humanity card we played
in on Friday.
I love that game, I really lovethat game.
And there was a card that saysI just want to be able to call
my mom and give her a hug,because life's not fair.
Yeah, and my son was the onewho gave it to me and I was like
oh, are you having problems,son?
And so it was just kind of cute, because you just have those
moments where you're like I justwant my mom.
Jace (11:25):
Yeah, I had a moment.
This is a weird story that Idon't know why is coming out of
my mouth right now, but I wasreally struggling this weekend
and having big emotional stuffthat's been coming up that I've
been working through in my ownemotional healing and I tried to
set time aside Because I'm likeit's OK to be sad.
I don't run from it anymore.
So I'll try to be like OK,let's sit with the sadness.
(11:46):
And it was like no, I'm good,I'm good, I don't need anything.
And I was like OK, are you sure?
Because I definitely feel youin there and I feel like I need
to cry.
And it was like no thanks.
And I was like OK.
And so then I go about my day.
I'm outside at 2 30 in themorning walking the dogs, and
it's like, oh, now, now I'd liketo come out.
And so I'm just sobbing, I'mjust crying.
(12:08):
At 2 30 in the morning,downtown, walking the dogs, and
I like to be near the groundwhen I'm upset Always happen
Like if I was sad as a kid.
You won't find me on thekitchen floor, and that's still
true to this day.
And so I was like well, I guessit's happening now.
Let's go ahead and let ithappen.
So I sit down on the sidewalkand I'm leaning up against a
wall and I'm just audiblysobbing, I mean worried.
I'm going to wake the people up, that I'm in front of their
(12:30):
place and all of a sudden I feelthis presence next to me is not
an angel or anything.
Don't worry, not, don't worry,that'd be cool too.
Maybe it was, I don't know.
And this person sits down withme and he's like why are you
crying?
Oh no, and I was like becauseI'm sad.
And he was like well, why areyou sad?
(12:52):
And I was just like well, Iguess I'm just going to be super
open with this stranger,because why not?
We're here in the middle of thenight.
But you can never see them again.
I hope not.
He might live there.
I don't know, and I just said Iwas honest, and I said my life
just hasn't turned out the way Ithought it would.
Nothing, nothing in my life isthe way I thought it was going
to be, or that I worked towardsand just like all the stuff.
(13:13):
So I'm just crying and thenhe's like is it your job?
And he's asking me these things.
And finally I turn to see who'ssitting next to me.
This guy is wearing a Lettermanjacket, he's got a peach fuzz
mustache that like a 13-year-oldwould envy.
And I was like, oh goodness,gracious, young, super young guy
.
Kristelle (13:30):
Yeah, and we're talking.
Jace (13:32):
I thought I was like, how old are you, how old was he?
And he's like I'm 23.
No Well, I'm, part of methought that too, where I was
like boy, because he's tellingme like life can be really hard
and there's just so much in lifethat can be hard.
And so he tells me he's 23.
And then I thought you knowwhat?
I had gone through a lot by 23.
(13:52):
And I'm like I don't know hislife, I'm not going to be like
oh, what do you know?
You're only 23.
And he even said he was likebut I've gone through a lot
already.
And I was like I'm going tobelieve you, I had a shit storm
coming my way at 23.
I thought I had gone through alot.
It was about to get way worse,but anyway, so we talk it out.
And he's just he's petting thedogs and he's just letting me
(14:13):
cry and he's had like a good.
So my mom wasn't there, but a23-year-old.
Kristelle (14:19):
Letterman jacket.
Jace (14:19):
Yeah, the guy who looked like he was going through
puberty helped me out.
And then, because it'sAlbuquerque and because I live
downtown, this is unusual.
I hear gunshots pretty muchevery day.
But there was an automaticrifle on my block going off.
It was legit scary.
Like normally I'm like OK,gunshot, you know, you get used
to them.
But that was like literallyright on my block, coming our
(14:44):
way and I was like that is ourcue and I was like do you have
somewhere to be inside?
Kristelle (14:47):
And he was like yes.
Jace (14:48):
And so he like walked me part of the way and I was like
no, go, Like I live here, Likego.
And then I had this like reallystrong inkling to just be like,
by the way, some things getcooler as you get older.
It's not all bad.
I'm like here's this23-year-old starting jaded, like
life's hard, and I'm like it ishard.
I was here for this onestranger.
Kristelle (15:05):
She told me, it sucks .
Jace (15:07):
But then I'm like, but also because it does like, if I
think back 10 years ago where Iwas like, oh my goodness, I was
such a mess and I wouldn't haveguessed where I am today and I
do have so many things that havegone well.
Did it turn out the way Ithought?
No, is it over.
Sure, ain't have some thingsturned out way better than I
thought.
Yes, it's just like that senseof like, kind of being
rudderless, right, like notreally, and then losing
(15:29):
motivation from that too, Causeit's like well then, why work
towards anything if it's justnot going to work out and things
they, they shift and change.
You got to be able to pivot,right, but so I didn't have my
mom.
But I would never receivecomfort from a, from a young
stranger in the middle of thenight he reminds me of my son.
Kristelle (15:44):
And this will be the second and last point before we
ask one more question, so we'llwrap up.
So sometimes my son surprisesthe shit out of me, 15 years old
right.
Right now he's in his um uhconfident era Very, very
isolating.
Jace (16:03):
Yeah, they know everything .
Yeah, what a burden to carry.
They know everything, yeah.
Kristelle (16:08):
When he listens to this podcast he's like man, my
mom is so mean about me, but Iwhat?
What I mean specifically aboutthis part is that sometimes he
says something out of nowhere.
That was just exactly what Ineeded to hear.
Jace (16:21):
And I surprise.
Kristelle (16:21):
it surprises me because I didn't expect it to be
so prolific.
Um, but I've been told that myby my family, that my son is
very emotionally intelligent, soof course I have that respect
for him and of course I respectthem as a as my kid.
But he just comes out ofnowhere with something that's
just like sound advice and I'mgoing how?
(16:42):
How the hell did you?
Is that Bosque?
Jace (16:45):
education really paying off?
What do they teach you there?
Kristelle (16:47):
Yeah, what do they teach you over there?
And so, yeah, you never knowwhere wisdom or comfort comes
from.
It's just in the most oddplaces, absolutely.
Jace (16:54):
I always believe.
Everyone has something to teachus.
I was saying my mom reallyinstilled in me like everyone
you meet could have something toteach you like listen and not
make assumptions.
And young people know things,young people have some shit
figured out Like, so you know,we, I think I think you're right
, I think you can learn a lotfrom your son.
Kristelle (17:10):
Yeah, no, I, I 100% agree.
I'm going to wrap up with thislast question and we'll make it
quick.
So so, since we're running outof time, um, it's a good way to
end the show, because sometimesit doesn't, it does or doesn't
uh show how we're.
We are outside of the table, soall the show, you guys don't
always agree.
Hmm, how does that affect yourwork together off camera?
(17:32):
Oh, I'm going to let you answerthat one first.
Um, it's actually very, it's avery good dynamic with us
outside of this table.
I say that because if I wantedto hire people that were, yes,
man's or, yes, women, um, Iwould be out of business.
Jace (17:47):
Hmm.
Kristelle (17:48):
I'm always a big believer in like comfortable
debate.
I was a speech and a bater.
I loved speech and debate.
I loved arguing and even myhusband loves it and hates it at
the same time because I canhave a conversation with him and
I just like put him in a cornerwith with.
It's never personal, nevermalicious, but I always welcome
debate.
It's very mentally challengingand like mentally stimulating
(18:08):
for me.
So when we are are debating here, it's a debate where we're
usually like having the samepoint but going in different
directions or like crossing overeach other, not in a negative
way, but one one of the things Ifind working with you is that
we uh I don't have to train youon the entrepreneur's mindset
(18:31):
and you look at it from a lensof a small business owner, which
is obviously our targetaudience, or from a business
owner's perspective, which isthe target audience.
So I I feel a very large senseof comfort and trust with you.
That the debate parts just itto me is an added benefit, not a
negative.
So that's why I say it Like Ithink outside of the room, like
we do really well.
I feel that we do really well.
(18:52):
We always have things that weneed to work on, like progress
and challenges, like, forexample, I think my favorite one
was we were.
I thought you were stuck onsomething and you're like no, no
, no, this is taking me a lot ofwork.
And I'm like, okay, I'm not mad, I'm not upset, it's not an
order taker, an order taker kindof situation what do we need to
do together to actuallyaccomplish the goal?
(19:13):
And I threw out an idea.
You're like that's a great idea.
Okay, let's go.
That's how I am.
Sometimes things can be lost intranslation with any of us
because we channel slack a lot,but no, I really enjoy the space
that we're in together at work,including in this space.
You adjusted, your part is afold of the really incredible
people here at the company.
Jace (19:35):
You've definitely fostered a collaborative environment.
I hope so.
I think so, and I knowsomething that I've worked on
that you've helped me with,which is exactly and this might
come as a surprise, I don't knowthat I've actually said this to
you, but you knew, with mecoming in, I didn't want to run
a business anymore.
I was tuckered out.
I had closed mine.
I didn't want to do it.
(19:56):
I didn't want all theresponsibility, I don't want to
be there, and yet that was thehabit that I was coming from.
It was the lifestyle I wascoming from.
I have a group project.
I always step into thatleadership role.
It's just kind of been anatural one for me, and we've
(20:17):
talked about where I need toremember my limit there, that at
the end of the day, it's yourcompany and what I've not shared
with you is.
That's one of the things Iactually was looking for when I
wanted to go to work for someoneagain, having someone that I
was going to respect, to teachme how to be a support instead
of a leader.
I already know how to be aleader.
(20:37):
I was a born leader.
I want to know how to supportothers, to facilitate their
vision and to facilitate otherleaders.
That is such an honor to playfor me, and so I wanted to
choose strong leaders and I knowI told you in Danielis and I
wasn't brown-nosing in myinterviews like I can work many
(20:57):
places, but how is it going tohelp me be a better version of
me?
And I wanted to be mentored bystrong women leaders to learn
how to be a support to them.
And so I think it maybe startedout as an uncomfortable
conversation when you were like,hey, you need to remember this
is my business.
There comes those times and Iwas like, yes, thank you, give
(21:17):
me that direction.
That's exactly why I came towork for you.
Kristelle (21:22):
I appreciate that, but I also think that there's
always the term managing up.
There's a time like rememberlast Friday you were like I felt
the procrastination crystal andI was like, yep, I really
needed to hear that You'remanaging up.
And managing up is as crucialas managing downward or managing
(21:43):
laterally or as a team orcollaboratively.
And I think what havingsomebody that understands that
mindset of the ups and downs andalso understanding lack of
structure and mindset, like Ithink you thrive when you're
actually doing your thing.
That's why you're the least ofmy worries, just the least of my
worries.
Everybody's the least of my ever.
(22:04):
Yeah, afterthought.
No, I mean that Some peopledon't.
Actually, spencer and I talkabout it a lot.
He's like I hate yourmanagement style.
He didn't say hate.
He's like I can't work for you.
And I was like well then, don'tsay that I treat you like an
employee.
He's like no, no, no.
He's like I can't work for youbecause I'm from the military.
He grew up in a regimen, he grewup in detail.
(22:26):
He's wired that way.
He's like I just don'tunderstand how you guys are so
loose and goosey.
And I said you know what, if Ihave to ask somebody, tell them
what to wear, manage the timethat they show up, how they need
to act and professionalism.
That's just exhausting and I'msorry.
I'm not going to babysit, I'mjust going to let you do you and
if it works out, great.
If you don't get your shit done, then maybe we'll talk about
(22:46):
something else later.
I don't know.
People criticize that a lot andthat's just my management style
and everybody else has adifferent way of managing.
There's some people that hatedthe pandemic because they
couldn't see over theiremployee's shoulder.
Sorry, I don't care, I don'teven want to see your screen.
You do.
You Do your best and help out aclient.
Don't help me help a client.
Jace (23:07):
Yeah, and the results will be there or they won't, and
then that person is not a goodfit for you, and I think you do
surround yourself with peoplethat make sense for you, which
is a smart move.
They're not.
Yes, men, they're not.
Everybody here is exactly thesame.
No, by any means.
Kristelle (23:21):
Trust me, strategic planning has not been.
Yes, ma'am, Definitely notRight.
You open that door, they go andkick it in.
Jace (23:28):
And yet there is that culture of community here and
that we at least me I feel thatI'm a respected member of the
team.
Kristelle (23:39):
And if I?
Jace (23:39):
disagree.
I can be like, hey, to eachtheir own, like, do what you
want to do, but here's what I'mseeing on this side, which can
be a scary thing to do.
Kristelle (23:48):
We talked to Salvador incredible guy.
He said something that was veryinteresting.
There's a lot of psychologicalsafety around here.
Yeah, that's what he said.
And I was like, what does thatmean?
Those are fancy words to me.
And he's like you, emotionally,you let your team be safe
(24:08):
around you, it's OK to fail.
And I was like, oh, is thatwhat it's called?
So I thought that was prettycool, yeah.
Jace (24:15):
Well, creating that within a business or within ourselves
is hard but fun.
It's fun and it's crucial.
It's where creativity comesfrom.
It's where I think a big partof success comes from, because
we allow failure to be there, weallow trying to be there, we
allow different versions ofself-expression to be there.
Creating that for yourselffirst and then letting that shed
(24:37):
out to the rest of the team wasprobably a big part of why we
do what we do so well.
Kristelle (24:42):
Great way to end today's podcast.
Thank you, we are very gratefulfor you listening, as well as
our mom always listening, andthanks for these really great
questions for those of you thathave submitted.
Don't forget to subscribe toyour favorite podcast channel or
social media channels at CRS ofthe Agency.
Otherwise, I'm Crystal.
This is Chase.
Thanks again for another greatepisode of Stories, success and
(25:02):
Stuff.
Ta ta da.
I used to give a lot of weight to those negative
comments because to me theyseemed more real and helpful.
Like shame is never a catalystfor change.
It's never worked.
It never will.
Upbeat music playing upbeatmusic playing.
Kristelle (00:14):
Another question let's see how do you deal with
your inner bully or critic.
Jace (00:21):
Oh, hmm, I have less and less of that.
It's still in there for sure.
It used to be really mean, likeI'm cringing because I'm like,
oh, I used to be so mean tomyself and my inner critic was
just like everything underscrutiny all the time.
Constantly I'm like I wonderwhat's such a miserable son of a
(00:42):
bitch, like I just had thisvoice telling me I was wrong all
the time.
Um, so I try to meet it withunderstanding and kindness now
and I know that sounds superlame, but I'll be like okay, I
hear you, I'm listening.
Alright, like, I give it time,I give it acknowledgement, I'll
actually consider it.
Like, is there anything usefulin there for me?
(01:03):
Um, and many times I just sassback at this point.
Sass back, oh, I sass back.
Kristelle (01:11):
Oh yeah.
Jace (01:12):
To yourself yes, okay, yeah, I have an inner voice that
is very protective and verysassy and she will jump in and
stand up for me often times,Like so, developing a mama bear
internally has been reallyhelpful for that.
And then I've had to.
I actually and I rememberreading this book in particular
(01:32):
how, what to say when you talkto yourself.
It's one of the best books I'veever read what to say when you
talk to yourself, what to saywhen you talk to yourself, and
it, like has you know, breaksdown the research on how we talk
to ourselves and the impactthat that has, and all of these
different things and like whatwhen we're negative, and all
that.
It was one of the mostmind-blowing books.
Actually, having a standardpractice of changing the way I
(01:54):
talk to myself brought thatinner critics voice way, way,
way way down, so that, oh gosh,if you're, if you have a really
loud critic, that's one of thebest books I could recommend.
Kristelle (02:07):
I do, and it's something that actually, I think
, led to my like mental collapselast week.
I talk about depression rarely.
I talked about my anxiety a lot.
If I was to illustrate whatdoes anxiety look like, it's
just me with more hair andthat's my version of anxiety
Like because I look nuts.
(02:27):
Yeah, I had a mental collapselast week and it was just really
difficult for me to get get by,and I always like to share this
with if, if I'm comfortable,because I want somebody else to
take note of this and just sayyou know, you're not alone.
And I was incredibly hard onmyself last week.
(02:47):
I was saying to myself that Iwas a terrible business owner, I
was a terrible wife, I was aterrible mom and I said to
myself this is not me.
I just need to get out of thisfunk that I'm in.
But I also need to give myselfthe space to be in that low
point, Because I and andsomebody told me this once a
(03:10):
great friend said the onlydirection you're going is up at
that point.
And so whenever I am just abully to myself or a critic to
myself I even tell my son thistoo I say, dude, you need to be
nice to yourself.
You need to be nice to yourselfand just say, look like this
kindness or this bullying thatyou're giving yourself is just
(03:31):
it's not healthy for you andyou're just being really hard on
yourself, it's notaccomplishing anything.
People sometimes just don'twant to be around you anymore
because of the fact that you'rejust difficult on yourself and
they're going to try really hardto tell you how they feel or
try to tell you how great youare, and you just can't listen
because if you're just not inthe right headspace for it.
So I will say that, and one ofthe things I think is kind of
(03:55):
fascinating about myself thatI'm learning, or I have learned,
is that when it's when thehighs are really high, the lows
are really low, and I don't knowwhy that is, but I'm looking
into it.
So that way I stopped being aninner bully to myself.
But think about this August Iget, or August I reconnect with
(04:15):
my family.
September I get married andthen on top of that, we go on
this epic trip for, you know theSan Francisco Cowboys game, and
then all of a sudden we win theCoombra's and the company's
going firing on all cylinders.
So all those five things, I waslike I don't know how much
higher I can get and then all ofa sudden I just crashed and I
(04:38):
just was just a dead to societyat that point in time.
So I think, understanding whymy mind went from that up and
down that rhythm, I don't, Idon't know.
I don't expect to know theanswer.
I just know I'm cognizant of itor I know when it's in my
vicinity, so that way I knowwhat to do to manage it and not
(05:00):
be pushed to that point again ormore importantly, just be nice
to myself.
So that way I don't listen tothat inner critic anymore.
Jace (05:09):
We have this weird idea that negative things are more
accurate or more truthful ormore beneficial.
Like, if you're a very positiveperson and optimistic people,
go well, I'm just a realist.
Like the negative side is morereal and it's not.
And we I used to give a lot ofweight to those negative
comments because to me theyseemed more real and helpful.
Like shame is never a catalystfor change.
(05:30):
It's never worked, it neverwill.
Neither is guilt, yeah, guiltcan't be, because it's like, oh,
we've learned something and allthat, but like actually
attacking oneself doesn't createchange.
It creates more opportunitiesto do this.
You know harmful things toourselves because we think we're
a terrible person.
Yeah Right, so the shame thingisn't helpful.
And then when people startsaying positive things, they
think it's like fluffy or less.
(05:52):
They just less substantial, yeah, and it's like neither is any
more true.
So just pick the one that helpsyou align with who you are in
life you want to live yeah.
Kristelle (06:01):
And then do that, isn't?
It has studies to show thatit's more difficult to actually
be positive than it is to benegative.
Jace (06:07):
We have a negativity bias.
The brain is always looking forthings that's going to going to
cause harm or potentially killus because it's a fight or
flight instinct.
Kristelle (06:14):
Yeah.
Jace (06:14):
So it's alert for those type of things.
So, and we also live in asociety that so many companies
profit off of negativity and offof us being in those like lower
emotions, like fear and angerand things like that.
And now we're in this likereally yucky cycle around it as
well.
Yeah, where I remember sayingsomething that I liked about
(06:34):
myself I think I shared thisbefore and this this woman told
me well, don't you think highlyof yourself, I know?
And I said yes, yeah, don't you?
And like the look on her facewas like oh shit.
And I'm like, yeah, why would Ibe being mean to myself?
Yeah, but we, that's the norm,right, like, if I, you know,
self deprecating humor and allthat is the norm, but it doesn't
(06:55):
have to be inside yet it cantake an extra work.
Kristelle (06:58):
Yeah, it definitely can take extra work.
Jace (07:01):
I say, speaking of depression, which is something I
know, you know I deal withregularly.
It's like a buddy that's alwaysjust hanging out quietly
waiting me like a bad tattoo.
Kristelle (07:09):
Just won't go away.
Jace (07:10):
It's like do you should I jump in yet Do you want?
Do you want me here now?
Kristelle (07:13):
Mine punch me in the face.
Yeah, my, sometimes it'll belike, by the way, I was here the
whole time like building andI'm like great, now we're here,
let's see there was OK.
Jace (07:23):
What do you do when everything feels like too much
and you want to give up?
Kristelle (07:29):
I need to.
I was looking at like thesequestions earlier when you were
talking.
I didn't see that one.
Ok, who that crypto money?
What do you want?
Ok, so say that again.
What?
Jace (07:40):
do you do when everything feels like too much and you want
to give up?
Which sounds kind of a littlebit like what you were
describing from last week.
Kristelle (07:46):
Oh yeah, and now you're on the other side of it.
So what did?
Jace (07:49):
you do what was helpful.
Kristelle (07:53):
Oh, what did I do when I wanted to give up?
I had to reevaluate what was onmy mental list of things I
still wanted to do, because wehad the motivation episode right
where I talked about you knowwhat is my motivation?
Why have I lacks thatmotivation and I have little
things I want to accomplish.
(08:14):
And I have little things I wantto accomplish, but nothing so
major or nothing motivating tobe that major anymore, because
I've already accomplished thebig things I want to do.
Accomplish I wanted to open upa company, be a mom, be married
or have a partner right and havepeople that I love around me
(08:37):
and take care of my family, likeI took care of those things and
I still am right.
So I think what kept me goingwas the fact that it goes back
to the people.
The people around me, right?
The people around me bring meso much life husband, kid you
(08:59):
Justin the rest of the staff,rest of the team, the, the
nonprofit, the mission work thatwe do like.
For example, I got a text fromone of the clients at the Asian
business collaborative that he'sabout to sign, at least on his
new business, and that broughtme so much joy.
It reminded me why I'm stillhere or why I'm still doing what
(09:19):
I do, because knowing that thatperson is doing really well,
but he did it on his own, but heI was behind him, just giving
him a pat on the back, nottelling him what to do.
It was, it was such a joy.
And then I also looked at myaunt.
I hung her picture.
Two weeks ago was her, herdeath anniversary and I hung her
(09:39):
picture in my wall from thepicture I found of her during
the wedding and her legacy stillhasn't been fulfilled yet.
And I feel like there's acouple more things I need to do
to cross off the list to makesure her legacy is still
fulfilled or still continues on.
And I know I'm one of the basisof the puzzle.
For that I'm not the personcontinuing on her legacy.
(10:01):
The whole Asian community is.
But I thought about that and Isaid you know, losing her was so
painful and commemorating herlife, I think, is good
motivation to kind of keep going, right.
So I think about the people thathelp me get to where I am, and
I think about the people thatare around me now and they give
me motivation.
So I don't know if that's thebest answer per se.
(10:24):
I was kind of trying to figurethat question out, but the
people around me bring me joy.
So, yeah, no, don't, don't,don't, don't, don't.
You look like you're going tocry.
I'm not going to cry.
Jace (10:36):
I'm just thinking.
You know this is something thatI've come up against many times
.
I think all of us do right, andespecially anybody who does set
outside of convention and dotheir own thing.
It's a tough journey and a lotcomes up in that and there's a
lot of loneliness that can comeup, that sense of nobody
understands type of thing andwhatnot.
And I'm just viewing differentversions of myself from the past
(11:00):
that are right there where youwere talking.
Kristelle (11:04):
There was a Cards Against Humanity card we played
in on Friday.
I love that game, I really lovethat game.
And there was a card that saysI just want to be able to call
my mom and give her a hug,because life's not fair.
Yeah, and my son was the onewho gave it to me and I was like
oh, are you having problems,son?
And so it was just kind of cute, because you just have those
moments where you're like I justwant my mom.
Jace (11:25):
Yeah, I had a moment.
This is a weird story that Idon't know why is coming out of
my mouth right now, but I wasreally struggling this weekend
and having big emotional stuffthat's been coming up that I've
been working through in my ownemotional healing and I tried to
set time aside Because I'm likeit's OK to be sad.
I don't run from it anymore.
So I'll try to be like OK,let's sit with the sadness.
(11:46):
And it was like no, I'm good,I'm good, I don't need anything.
And I was like OK, are you sure?
Because I definitely feel youin there and I feel like I need
to cry.
And it was like no thanks.
And I was like OK.
And so then I go about my day.
I'm outside at 2 30 in themorning walking the dogs, and
it's like, oh, now, now I'd liketo come out.
And so I'm just sobbing, I'mjust crying.
(12:08):
At 2 30 in the morning,downtown, walking the dogs, and
I like to be near the groundwhen I'm upset Always happen
Like if I was sad as a kid.
You won't find me on thekitchen floor, and that's still
true to this day.
And so I was like well, I guessit's happening now.
Let's go ahead and let ithappen.
So I sit down on the sidewalkand I'm leaning up against a
wall and I'm just audiblysobbing, I mean worried.
I'm going to wake the people up, that I'm in front of their
(12:30):
place and all of a sudden I feelthis presence next to me is not
an angel or anything.
Don't worry, not, don't worry,that'd be cool too.
Maybe it was, I don't know.
And this person sits down withme and he's like why are you
crying?
Oh no, and I was like becauseI'm sad.
And he was like well, why areyou sad?
(12:52):
And I was just like well, Iguess I'm just going to be super
open with this stranger,because why not?
We're here in the middle of thenight.
But you can never see them again.
I hope not.
He might live there.
I don't know, and I just said Iwas honest, and I said my life
just hasn't turned out the way Ithought it would.
Nothing, nothing in my life isthe way I thought it was going
to be, or that I worked towardsand just like all the stuff.
(13:13):
So I'm just crying and thenhe's like is it your job?
And he's asking me these things.
And finally I turn to see who'ssitting next to me.
This guy is wearing a Lettermanjacket, he's got a peach fuzz
mustache that like a 13-year-oldwould envy.
And I was like, oh goodness,gracious, young, super young guy
.
Kristelle (13:30):
Yeah, and we're talking.
Jace (13:32):
I thought I was like, how old are you, how old was he?
And he's like I'm 23.
No Well, I'm, part of methought that too, where I was
like boy, because he's tellingme like life can be really hard
and there's just so much in lifethat can be hard.
And so he tells me he's 23.
And then I thought you knowwhat?
I had gone through a lot by 23.
(13:52):
And I'm like I don't know hislife, I'm not going to be like
oh, what do you know?
You're only 23.
And he even said he was likebut I've gone through a lot
already.
And I was like I'm going tobelieve you, I had a shit storm
coming my way at 23.
I thought I had gone through alot.
It was about to get way worse,but anyway, so we talk it out.
And he's just he's petting thedogs and he's just letting me
(14:13):
cry and he's had like a good.
So my mom wasn't there, but a23-year-old.
Kristelle (14:19):
Letterman jacket.
Jace (14:19):
Yeah, the guy who looked like he was going through
puberty helped me out.
And then, because it'sAlbuquerque and because I live
downtown, this is unusual.
I hear gunshots pretty muchevery day.
But there was an automaticrifle on my block going off.
It was legit scary.
Like normally I'm like OK,gunshot, you know, you get used
to them.
But that was like literallyright on my block, coming our
(14:44):
way and I was like that is ourcue and I was like do you have
somewhere to be inside?
Kristelle (14:47):
And he was like yes.
Jace (14:48):
And so he like walked me part of the way and I was like
no, go, Like I live here, Likego.
And then I had this like reallystrong inkling to just be like,
by the way, some things getcooler as you get older.
It's not all bad.
I'm like here's this23-year-old starting jaded, like
life's hard, and I'm like it ishard.
I was here for this onestranger.
Kristelle (15:05):
She told me, it sucks .
Jace (15:07):
But then I'm like, but also because it does like, if I
think back 10 years ago where Iwas like, oh my goodness, I was
such a mess and I wouldn't haveguessed where I am today and I
do have so many things that havegone well.
Did it turn out the way Ithought?
No, is it over.
Sure, ain't have some thingsturned out way better than I
thought.
Yes, it's just like that senseof like, kind of being
rudderless, right, like notreally, and then losing
(15:29):
motivation from that too, Causeit's like well then, why work
towards anything if it's justnot going to work out and things
they, they shift and change.
You got to be able to pivot,right, but so I didn't have my
mom.
But I would never receivecomfort from a, from a young
stranger in the middle of thenight he reminds me of my son.
Kristelle (15:44):
And this will be the second and last point before we
ask one more question, so we'llwrap up.
So sometimes my son surprisesthe shit out of me, 15 years old
right.
Right now he's in his um uhconfident era Very, very
isolating.
Jace (16:03):
Yeah, they know everything .
Yeah, what a burden to carry.
They know everything, yeah.
Kristelle (16:08):
When he listens to this podcast he's like man, my
mom is so mean about me, but Iwhat?
What I mean specifically aboutthis part is that sometimes he
says something out of nowhere.
That was just exactly what Ineeded to hear.
Jace (16:21):
And I surprise.
Kristelle (16:21):
it surprises me because I didn't expect it to be
so prolific.
Um, but I've been told that myby my family, that my son is
very emotionally intelligent, soof course I have that respect
for him and of course I respectthem as a as my kid.
But he just comes out ofnowhere with something that's
just like sound advice and I'mgoing how?
(16:42):
How the hell did you?
Is that Bosque?
Jace (16:45):
education really paying off?
What do they teach you there?
Kristelle (16:47):
Yeah, what do they teach you over there?
And so, yeah, you never knowwhere wisdom or comfort comes
from.
It's just in the most oddplaces, absolutely.
Jace (16:54):
I always believe.
Everyone has something to teachus.
I was saying my mom reallyinstilled in me like everyone
you meet could have something toteach you like listen and not
make assumptions.
And young people know things,young people have some shit
figured out Like, so you know,we, I think I think you're right
, I think you can learn a lotfrom your son.
Kristelle (17:10):
Yeah, no, I, I 100% agree.
I'm going to wrap up with thislast question and we'll make it
quick.
So so, since we're running outof time, um, it's a good way to
end the show, because sometimesit doesn't, it does or doesn't
uh show how we're.
We are outside of the table, soall the show, you guys don't
always agree.
Hmm, how does that affect yourwork together off camera?
(17:32):
Oh, I'm going to let you answerthat one first.
Um, it's actually very, it's avery good dynamic with us
outside of this table.
I say that because if I wantedto hire people that were, yes,
man's or, yes, women, um, Iwould be out of business.
Jace (17:47):
Hmm.
Kristelle (17:48):
I'm always a big believer in like comfortable
debate.
I was a speech and a bater.
I loved speech and debate.
I loved arguing and even myhusband loves it and hates it at
the same time because I canhave a conversation with him and
I just like put him in a cornerwith with.
It's never personal, nevermalicious, but I always welcome
debate.
It's very mentally challengingand like mentally stimulating
(18:08):
for me.
So when we are are debating here, it's a debate where we're
usually like having the samepoint but going in different
directions or like crossing overeach other, not in a negative
way, but one one of the things Ifind working with you is that
we uh I don't have to train youon the entrepreneur's mindset
(18:31):
and you look at it from a lensof a small business owner, which
is obviously our targetaudience, or from a business
owner's perspective, which isthe target audience.
So I I feel a very large senseof comfort and trust with you.
That the debate parts just itto me is an added benefit, not a
negative.
So that's why I say it Like Ithink outside of the room, like
we do really well.
I feel that we do really well.
(18:52):
We always have things that weneed to work on, like progress
and challenges, like, forexample, I think my favorite one
was we were.
I thought you were stuck onsomething and you're like no, no
, no, this is taking me a lot ofwork.
And I'm like, okay, I'm not mad, I'm not upset, it's not an
order taker, an order taker kindof situation what do we need to
do together to actuallyaccomplish the goal?
(19:13):
And I threw out an idea.
You're like that's a great idea.
Okay, let's go.
That's how I am.
Sometimes things can be lost intranslation with any of us
because we channel slack a lot,but no, I really enjoy the space
that we're in together at work,including in this space.
You adjusted, your part is afold of the really incredible
people here at the company.
Jace (19:35):
You've definitely fostered a collaborative environment.
I hope so.
I think so, and I knowsomething that I've worked on
that you've helped me with,which is exactly and this might
come as a surprise, I don't knowthat I've actually said this to
you, but you knew, with mecoming in, I didn't want to run
a business anymore.
I was tuckered out.
I had closed mine.
I didn't want to do it.
(19:56):
I didn't want all theresponsibility, I don't want to
be there, and yet that was thehabit that I was coming from.
It was the lifestyle I wascoming from.
I have a group project.
I always step into thatleadership role.
It's just kind of been anatural one for me, and we've
(20:17):
talked about where I need toremember my limit there, that at
the end of the day, it's yourcompany and what I've not shared
with you is.
That's one of the things Iactually was looking for when I
wanted to go to work for someoneagain, having someone that I
was going to respect, to teachme how to be a support instead
of a leader.
I already know how to be aleader.
(20:37):
I was a born leader.
I want to know how to supportothers, to facilitate their
vision and to facilitate otherleaders.
That is such an honor to playfor me, and so I wanted to
choose strong leaders and I knowI told you in Danielis and I
wasn't brown-nosing in myinterviews like I can work many
(20:57):
places, but how is it going tohelp me be a better version of
me?
And I wanted to be mentored bystrong women leaders to learn
how to be a support to them.
And so I think it maybe startedout as an uncomfortable
conversation when you were like,hey, you need to remember this
is my business.
There comes those times and Iwas like, yes, thank you, give
(21:17):
me that direction.
That's exactly why I came towork for you.
Kristelle (21:22):
I appreciate that, but I also think that there's
always the term managing up.
There's a time like rememberlast Friday you were like I felt
the procrastination crystal andI was like, yep, I really
needed to hear that You'remanaging up.
And managing up is as crucialas managing downward or managing
(21:43):
laterally or as a team orcollaboratively.
And I think what havingsomebody that understands that
mindset of the ups and downs andalso understanding lack of
structure and mindset, like Ithink you thrive when you're
actually doing your thing.
That's why you're the least ofmy worries, just the least of my
worries.
Everybody's the least of my ever.
(22:04):
Yeah, afterthought.
No, I mean that Some peopledon't.
Actually, spencer and I talkabout it a lot.
He's like I hate yourmanagement style.
He didn't say hate.
He's like I can't work for you.
And I was like well then, don'tsay that I treat you like an
employee.
He's like no, no, no.
He's like I can't work for youbecause I'm from the military.
He grew up in a regimen, he grewup in detail.
(22:26):
He's wired that way.
He's like I just don'tunderstand how you guys are so
loose and goosey.
And I said you know what, if Ihave to ask somebody, tell them
what to wear, manage the timethat they show up, how they need
to act and professionalism.
That's just exhausting and I'msorry.
I'm not going to babysit, I'mjust going to let you do you and
if it works out, great.
If you don't get your shit done, then maybe we'll talk about
(22:46):
something else later.
I don't know.
People criticize that a lot andthat's just my management style
and everybody else has adifferent way of managing.
There's some people that hatedthe pandemic because they
couldn't see over theiremployee's shoulder.
Sorry, I don't care, I don'teven want to see your screen.
You do.
You Do your best and help out aclient.
Don't help me help a client.
Jace (23:07):
Yeah, and the results will be there or they won't, and
then that person is not a goodfit for you, and I think you do
surround yourself with peoplethat make sense for you, which
is a smart move.
They're not.
Yes, men, they're not.
Everybody here is exactly thesame.
No, by any means.
Kristelle (23:21):
Trust me, strategic planning has not been.
Yes, ma'am, Definitely notRight.
You open that door, they go andkick it in.
Jace (23:28):
And yet there is that culture of community here and
that we at least me I feel thatI'm a respected member of the
team.
Kristelle (23:39):
And if I?
Jace (23:39):
disagree.
I can be like, hey, to eachtheir own, like, do what you
want to do, but here's what I'mseeing on this side, which can
be a scary thing to do.
Kristelle (23:48):
We talked to Salvador incredible guy.
He said something that was veryinteresting.
There's a lot of psychologicalsafety around here.
Yeah, that's what he said.
And I was like, what does thatmean?
Those are fancy words to me.
And he's like you, emotionally,you let your team be safe
(24:08):
around you, it's OK to fail.
And I was like, oh, is thatwhat it's called?
So I thought that was prettycool, yeah.
Jace (24:15):
Well, creating that within a business or within ourselves
is hard but fun.
It's fun and it's crucial.
It's where creativity comesfrom.
It's where I think a big partof success comes from, because
we allow failure to be there, weallow trying to be there, we
allow different versions ofself-expression to be there.
Creating that for yourselffirst and then letting that shed
(24:37):
out to the rest of the team wasprobably a big part of why we
do what we do so well.
Kristelle (24:42):
Great way to end today's podcast.
Thank you, we are very gratefulfor you listening, as well as
our mom always listening, andthanks for these really great
questions for those of you thathave submitted.
Don't forget to subscribe toyour favorite podcast channel or
social media channels at CRS ofthe Agency.
Otherwise, I'm Crystal.
This is Chase.
Thanks again for another greatepisode of Stories, success and
(25:02):
Stuff.
Ta ta da.
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