March 7, 2024 • 29 mins
Success and failure both have the same determining factor - you! Today we're talking about one of the most common contributors to limited success, self-sabotage.
If you've ever found yourself on the brink of success, only to throw a wrench in your own plans, you're not alone. Join Kristelle and Jace as we confess our struggles with being our own worst enemies and reflect on the subtle ways our minds can trip us up.
Together we'll explore how recognizing and overcoming destructive patterns can pave the way for personal growth and lasting success. So, tune in to Stories, Success, and Stuff for an episode that doesn't shy away from the complexity of being human and the pursuit of a fulfilling life. And hey, while you're at it, swing by our YouTube channel and follow us on siarza.com for more transformative content.
A Siarza Production
Hosted by Kristelle Siarza Moon & Jace Downey
Executive Producer: Kristelle Siarza Moon
Producer: Jace Downey
Video/Editing: Justin Otsuka
Watch episodes at siarza.com/siarza-podcast
Follow us on FB, IG, TT, YT and TW @siarzatheagency
Follow Kristelle @kristellesiarza
www.misskristelle.com
Follow Jace @jacedowneyofficial
www.jacedowney.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jace (00:00):
Even if we say I want this bigger life or I want this
milestone or this success, ifit's out of alignment with our
underlying story and beliefabout ourselves, we will always
find ways for our own stories tobe true.
["the Last Song of the Year"].
Kristelle (00:18):
Oh, we're rolling.
["the Last Song of the Year"]["The Last Song of the Year"].
Jace (00:22):
Is this one of the like?
Oh hello, when did you get here?
Kristelle (00:28):
Wow, I didn't see you there.
Welcome, no, I didn't.
No, hold on, hold on, thank you.
I didn't think we were rollingbecause he didn't have his
monitor.
Are we good to go?
I was like I slated it up, Didwe?
Because my plan for today'sepisode was to start off with a
British accent.
Jace (00:48):
Oh, by all means, by all means, but no, that's okay, I'll
wait until the next one?
What, Even more than thathappening?
I would very much like to knowwhy.
Why, in your head, you werelike this is the plan.
This is what I'm gonna do today.
Kristelle (01:04):
So I didn't.
So here's the fun fact thatmany people may not know about
filming the stories.
Success and stuff is that weusually film two episodes.
Sometimes even three.
For really ambitious, we filmtwo episodes in one day right, I
don't know if I'm supposed togive away the same figures.
Jace (01:22):
I don't know why you're telling people this.
Kristelle (01:24):
But I say this because it's relevant to the
sweater I'm wearing.
I'm like Oxford, that soundsgreat.
Let me just pretend that like,can you imagine if somebody was
tuning in for the show for thefirst time and they hear a
British, filipino person?
They're like oh, that's reallycool, that's exotic.
Jace (01:43):
So what I've just received from that is you're so
confident in your British accentthat a person would see the
Oxford sweatshirt and hear yourspot on British accent and their
thought would be the onlyexplanation here is that there's
a British Filipina hosting thisshow.
Kristelle (02:02):
Absolutely.
Jace (02:03):
Was that it?
Kristelle (02:04):
Maybe I'd like to talk about some of the things
that we have in the world today,including sub-Septatage.
Jace (02:12):
This is fantastic.
Can we please always justrandomly pick a different accent
to start with for the show, atall times?
Kristelle (02:18):
There's no sense of professionalism when it comes to
marketing anymore.
Jace (02:22):
Yeah, I was interviewing a pre-interviewing a guest
recently and they were sayingI'm just gonna have to take all
of my energy to not curse and Iwas like, oh no, you can
absolutely curse on the show.
It's not that kind of show.
And I was like we curse all thetime.
I'm like we're not all buttonedup and now we're like I don't
wanna say.
I would have said if I was gonnasay but yeah, I was like no,
(02:43):
we're not a buttoned up show,it's gonna be all right.
You say whatever you want.
Yeah, definitely.
And you can say however youwant, apparently in whatever
accent happens to strike yourfancy at the moment.
Kristelle (02:55):
I sometimes I just like to channel dough.
Jace (02:58):
That's all.
Oh yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
Kristelle (03:00):
Can I get a?
Jace (03:00):
few bars.
Do you have like a song youlike to sing?
Kristelle (03:03):
Don't give me hold on Now.
You're now you're reallyexcited and I can't sing karaoke
right now.
Jace (03:09):
Okay, so today Get it together, be serious, we have a
show to run.
Get your shit together.
Kristelle (03:13):
Do you know how many times I have to tell myself that
during the day?
Get your shit together.
Today's episode of Sorry,Success and Stuff is self
sabotage.
Don't feel like we've done thatalready.
The inspiration of thisfantastic topic of self sabotage
came from self sabotagingmyself on a regular basis Not
(03:34):
with the accents, or you know doyou?
Ever?
Yeah, do you ever have thosemoments where you say to
yourself I think I just ruinedmy day?
Jace (03:43):
I maybe not, I don't necessarily go, oh, I think I
just ruined my day.
But I have the lingeringanxiety of did I just ruin this
thing, did the thing?
I just say, screw that up.
So it's more of not just like,oh, if I did and it's done, fuck
it.
I'm like, well, that happened.
Or I'll say to myself, well,that's part of the day now, or
that's part of my life now, andthen I can move on, cause it's
(04:04):
like it already happened.
It's the dwelling anxiety ofdid I just fuck that up and what
consequences are going to bethere?
Yeah, yeah, that just lives inmy brain, rent-free sometimes.
Kristelle (04:16):
Rent-free, absolutely so constantly rent-free in my
head.
I think that it's important tomention, when it comes to
success, leadership et cetera,that this is a.
I feel that this is a topicthat's not very talked about and
talked about among otherleaders, people going through
(04:38):
major challenges.
As our friend Mike from BlackDigital says, to every win
there's a loss, right, and so Ithink that self-.
Jace (04:46):
There's a loss in every win, loss in every win.
It's not like there's a ratioof losses to win, but in every
win there's loss.
Kristelle (04:51):
Yeah, there's loss, and I think that's a very
careful phrase, that we have tostop and pause, because that can
easily be the start of aself-sabotaging moment in
anybody's head.
So three things what isself-sabotage, why does it
hinder success and what canpeople around us do to help us
stop?
So where is the inspiration forthis topic for today?
(05:13):
I have been going through anintense amount of therapy.
Intense amount of therapybecause I had a moment to myself
where I said I'm not okay withthe way that my brain operates
anymore.
It's not.
I used to be this person, thatand I still am this person.
She's just kind of beensuppressed lately, and by lately
, I think, for like the lastfive to six years.
(05:34):
I say that's very British ofyou, it is very British of me.
So the person that I alwayshave been that she comes out not
as often as she used to is aperson of positivity, a person
of joy, a person of excitementand full of the carpe diem in me
(05:55):
, and I felt recently that ithas been gone and I didn't know
why.
So I went through this likemental.
You know you're the expert, orat least always strive to be.
I consider you the expert.
You might say that you're not.
I consider you the expert andit comes to self mastery, 100%,
and one of the I took a pagefrom your book and I said let's
(06:18):
evaluate where I am.
And I evaluated what doesself-sabotage look like, or why
am I self-sabotaging so much?
It actually started to ruin myrelationships, Not just the
people here in this office.
I don't know if it'stransparent enough to say that
it's ruining relationships herein this office.
I would say that it was very,very apparent with my son and
(06:41):
also my husband Friends as well.
I had to tell them that I'm notokay and I asked myself why did
I start to do that?
And even my therapist said whendid this start to happen?
You?
know, when did this start tobecome a major part of your life
and your mindset?
So, to be more specific, beinga kid, I catastrophize things.
(07:04):
There's a New York Timesarticle that says
catastrophizing things isactually a real thing.
I've talked about it on theshow before, of course, and it's
very similar to it's almostidentical.
It's another word forself-sabotaging, right.
So the article had said hereare the things that you need to
realize that you are aself-sabotager, you are a
catastrophizer, and every one ofthe different points, like you
(07:27):
know, you read those bullshitBuzzfeed reviews you're like
you're a self-sabotager If youdo this and you just go through
the quiz and you're like, well,that's fake.
Okay, that's cool, you got ameme out of it.
No, I read this article and Isaid, oh shit, I have a real
problem here.
And then when I went intotherapy and then when I sat by
myself one time on a two hourtrain ride, I count or on one
(07:47):
hour train ride, in one hour Iself-sabotage and I
catastrophize seven things,seven moments.
So out of 60 minutes I spentroughly half of it in a negative
space, in a catastrophizingspace, and I was like this isn't
okay, that's a lot to do.
And when you take up thatmental space, how can you
(08:11):
progress forward?
How can you stay positive?
You just don't have the time tobe positive anymore.
That doesn't make any fuckingsense.
Jace (08:18):
Well, I think staying positive kind of gets a bad rap.
It can get this notion of likeignoring reality, Like when
someone's positive or I'm prettyoptimistic sometimes to like an
annoying degree to the peoplearound me.
Kristelle (08:29):
And they'll tell me they'll go well, I'm just a
realist.
Jace (08:33):
Like that's different than the optimism or positivity,
right that they're like thingsthat are real are hard and it's
a struggle and life's not fair.
Is that reality?
Yeah, that's part of reality,that is sometimes.
But the other side of likepeople coming through and having
your back or kindness beingshown out of nowhere, just
getting love when we don't feelwe deserve it, fucking kick and
(08:55):
ass all of that is also reality.
And so we have this notion thatpositive thinking or looking on
the bright side or optimism issomehow inferior to the rigor of
the struggle and reality.
And they're not.
And so staying positive is notnecessarily ignoring the
negative, but it's instead, Ithink, putting ourselves in a
(09:18):
space of agency where we'regoing.
Here's the situation what'smine to do?
What power do I have withinmyself to shift things if I need
to, to change my perspective orwhatnot.
It's not an ignoring, whichdoes exist.
It does exist.
I've spent a lot of time indenial, as many of us have, but
instead, when we come into, Ithink, a more grown up version
(09:43):
of self-evaluation and ourrelationships and things like
that, it's not an ignoring ofwhat's going on.
Being in a negative space likethe one.
You're talking aboutself-sabotage, catastrophizing
the anxiety that I sharedexperiencing.
Those put us in a state ofvictimhood or victim mentality.
Kristelle (10:00):
Yes.
Jace (10:01):
And it is happening to me or at me, and here are all the
things that are going wrong, orthat are bad or that I can't
overcome, and it's only gonnaget worse and we're just going
into this victim spiral hood.
So, instead of positive thinking, I like to think about it
stepping into agency, moving outof that victim space and going
into.
(10:21):
All right, I'm a capable person, I have resources.
What can I do here to shiftthis?
If it's not sitting right withme, if I'm experiencing some
form of restlessness, which itsounds like you were okay, I
hear you, what's here for me,what am I experiencing, what am
I witnessing and what do I need?
And I just have to say Icommend you and thank you for
sharing it that you immediatelysought out a professional.
(10:44):
Oh yeah, so you went.
This isn't how I wanna be.
Kristelle (10:47):
No.
Jace (10:47):
My mind is not in a place I want it to be.
I've been here for X amount oftime without handling it on my
own.
Let me bring in someone else.
We have such a bad rap fortherapy or and it's like.
Life is very hard, it'sconfusing.
Being a human is fucking weirdall the time and it's just a
constant contradiction.
And somehow we're supposed toknow how to deal with all of the
(11:10):
things that come with being ahuman and an adult in a world
that's forever changing.
Well, we have like 75 emotionsgoing on simultaneously and
they're all of equal value, andwe have all of these different
ages happening within us andthen our person's, like all this
shit we talk about on the showinside, all at the same time,
and we're supposed to just knowhow to deal with that.
So thank you for saying like Iwent and grabbed someone as a
(11:32):
resource.
Kristelle (11:33):
I think though, yes, I appreciate that comment or the
thanks, but one of the piecesthat I think unintentionally
happened at the same time, andself-sabotaging can be and the
part of the reason why I waslike, okay, this is a good topic
to talk about, becauseself-sabotaging can happen when
you least expect it.
(11:53):
What I realized was that I readan article, the New York Times
article but catastrophizing inone minute, and then, five hours
later, I read an article aboutthe negative impacts of the
power of positivity at the sametime.
I can't tell you.
I think the best metaphor todescribe how I felt that day was
(12:16):
imagine me as like thisbeautiful ceramic elephant and
just fucking chucking it in theground.
I felt like into 1000 pieces,and I even told my therapist.
I said I have never been brokenby articles before.
Jace (12:33):
The power of the written word.
Kristelle (12:36):
Yeah, I was, I was and I think I want people to
know that, based off of you knowthe podcasts of this, like why
is this a relevant topic to talkabout?
It's, I think, that we don'ttalk about how to get yourself
out of those spaces, or we don'ttalk about ways to ask somebody
(12:56):
to help you get out of thosespaces, and if they can't help,
how do you look for that help,professionally speaking?
Yeah, it's not.
It's not.
This is not a mental healthpodcast, right?
At least that's not what I'mintending it to be.
I think one of the things thatthat we we forget to think about
is and let me ask you thisquestion, and if you were to
(13:17):
look at it from my point of viewwhy does self-sabotage hinder
success?
Jace (13:22):
I think the why is actually super important.
Yeah, and I don't know that I'man expert or the expert, but I
do have a longstanding obsessionwith self mastery and exploring
all of these things.
And because I'm very lazy, Irefuse to deal with symptoms.
And so, like the hour long andI noticed seven times like now,
(13:45):
let me deal with these sevenoccurrences of self-sabotage or
cat catastrophic thinking thingslike that, Like those are
symptoms, right.
So I'm like where is this stuffcoming from?
I want to deal with that.
So then I never have to dealwith the symptoms again.
So when we're talking aboutself-sabotage, where's that
coming from?
Why are we doing it?
And then, why does itabsolutely result in a hindrance
to the life we want?
Yeah, People get confusedbecause they go.
(14:06):
I know this isn't in my bestinterest and I'm doing it anyway
.
Or I know this is my goal, butall of my actions disalign me
with that.
So why?
At its core, self-sabotagehappens when we have an
underlying story about ourselvesand our lives.
Usually this comes from youngeryears, in our formative ages,
(14:27):
when we're told directly orindirectly who we are, what our
worth is, what our value is andhow we show up in the world and
that becomes our reality,because we don't have other
reality, because we're littleand so what we're given we're
like that must be true, and wegrow up with that for so long
that all of our perception isthat, and so all of the evidence
(14:49):
we're getting back matches thatas well.
And so, even if we say I wantthis bigger life or I want this
milestone or this success, ifit's out of alignment with our
underlying story and beliefabout ourselves, we will always
find ways for our own stories tobe true, Because it's life or
death for the ego and the brain.
(15:09):
It will be a death to ouridentity.
And imagine if we were all here.
We're kicking it, we'rerecording this podcast, right,
Life goes on as it always is.
And then we look outside andthere's like legit Godzilla
smashing the building next door.
We're not going to just go.
Well, how interesting we'regoing to go.
Oh fuck, the reality I thoughtwas real isn't real.
(15:29):
There are actual monsters andit would snow globe our idea of
things.
Kristelle (15:33):
It would change some shit, right?
Yeah, I'm still super stuck.
I'm like, oh my God, godzillamade an appearance in
Albuquerque.
Jace (15:39):
Right, we don't even have like tall buildings or anything.
This is not New York, that'strue.
Kristelle (15:43):
That's true.
Jace (15:43):
Good point, good point, but it would.
It would fuck some shit up inyour brain, right?
Kristelle (15:46):
Yes.
Jace (15:47):
And so self sabotage happens where it's like no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no.
Stick with reality, which isjust a story.
So why does it hinder oursuccess?
We'll always alignsubconsciously and in the brain
and in our nervous system, withwhat we believe to be true.
Yeah, so the solution?
We have to change our stories.
Kristelle (16:05):
Yeah, well, I'm glad you that's a perfect segue.
I think you know one of thethings I'm I'm very excited
about that we have it outwardlyoffered as an agency is crisis
communications.
Right oh yeah, and crisiscommunications is something
where it takes a certain mentalaspect out in and out of the
(16:28):
process.
Right, crisis communicationstarts with you know, analyze
the situation.
You look at what are thestakeholders that affected?
How do we make sure that werestore trust into the people
that could potentially losetrust in a crisis situation like
this?
What are our options to fix it?
Right, that that's as I said.
It.
It's very procedural now for meas a crisis communications
(16:50):
professional.
What you said stories.
You also become a better crisiscommunications professional when
you study a crisis.
You study how it affected thepeople, the people in the moment
, the outside stakeholders, theexternal stakeholders.
You start to study, you knowresponse times, which is huge in
(17:15):
crisis.
You study the response of thefirst responders.
You study the response of thepublic relations people.
You you study the government,et cetera.
So why do I bring that up?
I realized one of the manyreasons why I started to have a
catastrophic, catastrophic,catastrophic thinking, or why I
(17:38):
started to self sabotage a lotof the relationships around me
who work or non work related,was because I was used to being
in a crisis mode.
Jace (17:47):
That was your reality.
Kristelle (17:48):
That was my reality, and so I never have been always
a crisis person, but it was.
You know, one of the largestcrises is that, however happens
in this company, was COVID right, and I got used to that.
And then I got used to phonecalls of saying I'm in a crisis
right now, what do I do?
I got to analyzing a crisis soI can be a better crisis
(18:10):
communication professional and Isaid to myself oh shit, I
didn't realize that I'm goingback to the stories that I know
that now, like even talkingabout it, I'm like, oh, this
massive anxiety that I feel allthe time, it just all of a
sudden just came back.
And lately I haven't felt thatI have and I have it when I talk
(18:34):
myself down, which I'm doingright now, when I'm expressing
what's happening, when Idissecting what's happening, and
I'm, most importantly, taking abreath.
I'm taking a breath to say,Okay, don't sabotage this, take
a moment, don't think in thefuture, don't panic.
I had to say that this morning.
Don't panic, take one step at atime.
Jace (19:00):
You took a breath.
I did.
I was like I need a breath.
I'm like I'm panicking rightnow.
Kristelle (19:04):
I had to learn how to just take a breath and say just
take one moment at a time.
And I think that's the bestpiece of advice that I can give
to a person that might belistening and saying, oh my God,
I do the exact same thing.
Take a breath, because that'show you can help a person.
Take a minute to stop self selfsabotaging themselves.
Jace (19:22):
Well, and the cool thing is, whatever we're self
sabotaging, usually isn'tactually happening right in
front of us.
Yeah, there's very rarely an atrue urgent emergency going on
directly in front of us.
They're in the mind Right.
Anxiety is fake fear, but thebody responds the exact same way
.
So, one of the best things wecan do is come into the present
moment and actually take like aninventory of like what's going
(19:45):
on right now and we can do thatthrough the breath or the body
or what my clothes feel likeright now, what are my feet feel
like on the floor?
You know what tastes are in mymouth, anything that brings us
back into the body and into thepresent, we're actually shifting
our nervous system and thefunctions of the brain, and then
we can deal with things.
Kristelle (20:02):
We go.
Jace (20:03):
Oh, that's not real.
Not to invalidate the feeling,no, but it allows us then to
step out of that victim modeinto a grown up space of agency.
And you touched on somethingthat that I experienced and I
see this with myself, masteryclients where most of us are
used to some form of chaos andwe grew up with some kind of
(20:25):
dysfunction or just not aconstant sense of safety and
security.
I mean, how many families havethat?
Very few, yeah, and so thechaos becomes the norm and the
striving for wellness and thedeciphering.
What's wrong with us which Idon't believe anything is wrong
with any of us yeah, and thenwe'll step into this next phase
(20:46):
of well being.
That's very uncomfortablebecause it does not match the
reality we've known, and in that, a lot of us will do things to
continue states of chaos, justbecause then we feel like we
have control over them.
And so it's really fun and Idid this too to watch people
actually come into, like thesuccess that they want or that
(21:08):
they've been working towards,and then freak the fuck out
because it's so different andthey're so uncomfortable, and so
the things like taking thebreath or having the right
people around us allows us tojust be in that discomfort
because it's absolutely going tobe there.
And then when we're like, oh,this is expected Anytime,
there's a change internally,we're going to freak out.
(21:31):
Oh cool, this is the freak outmoment.
And having a plan in place sothat we can just sit through the
discomfort until it becomes thenew norm, and then our reality
in our story has shifted and wedon't have to have that
unconscious need to selfsabotage, yeah, yeah, I also.
Kristelle (21:48):
I'm curious to see your thoughts on the phrase of
the vicious cycle.
There's some folks that, justlike I've encountered, some
professionals, you know withinor without, you know outside of
our walls, that they can neverbe.
As the famous Hamilton quotegoes they will never be
satisfied.
Is that a thing?
Is that self sabotage?
(22:08):
Or is that just a wholedifferent animal in the
beginning, with, I think, eventhe phrasing and we're really
big on?
Jace (22:12):
this in our culture, where there's like oh, is some kind
of battle going on, but like,even the vicious cycle breeds a
space of being a victim.
And when I say, when I sayvictim, I'm saying there's a
perceived threat against me,right, and that's when it
becomes problematic.
So instead of like this is thevicious cycle, it'd be like oh,
(22:35):
this is a cycle that makes sensebased on the history I've had.
Okay, what threat is there?
Yeah, right, so I'm, I'm, I'msuper, super mindful with
language.
We kind of talked about the yousaid talking yourself down or
talking yourself up, or having apositive outlook.
Language is super important.
So, I think even the notion ofthe vicious cycle will create
(22:56):
self sabotage, because thenwe're putting, we're putting
ourselves, even though itdoesn't feel like it, into a
perceived threat.
And now, all of a sudden we'rein our fight flight freezer,
please mode, and we're notactually in a space of agency.
So the more we can be in thatspace of sovereignty we're like
oh okay, what's mine to do here?
(23:17):
What is needed, what's actuallyat hand, the better chance we
have for success.
Kristelle (23:24):
I very much believe, so.
I think that it is important tomention, though, that you know,
in this particular instance nowI'm thinking about it like okay
, you know, you and I have givenourselves to spaces of dealing
with addiction, domesticviolence.
You know, you know places of,you know those that are victims
(23:46):
like we have to say this veryout loud like we're not second
responders, we're not mentalhealth professionals here, right
.
I think that's very important tomention.
However, when it comes to, likeyou said, the self mastery,
working on ourselves, working onour mental health or working on
the professionalism of tryingto achieve success, I think
(24:07):
bringing these things up arevery important in a level where
transparency really.
You know, just saying like, hey, like I've been a person that
has said I'm self sabotaging thesuccess of the company and I'm
self sabotaging it because Ican't just get my shit together,
or something along those lines.
Jace (24:25):
Right and I was like there are true states of victimhood
like what you just described.
That thank you.
And it took me quite a bit oftherapy like even in therapy,
the therapist couldn't use theword victim.
It just didn't sit right withme.
Even though I was sexuallyabused for years as a kid, I
couldn't see myself as a victimin that space.
And so she would say you know,you're a person who has
(24:46):
experienced something thatimpacted you deeply that I could
handle.
It took me a long time toactually go.
Oh no, something really didhappen to me and it resulted in
these things, right?
So, yes, there are actual wayswhere you are indeed a victim.
That is different than when wewere creating that own sense of
anytime we're in this,something's happening to me, and
(25:08):
is it, or are we creating thatin a mental state?
Those are two very differentthings, so yes, thank you for
that distinction.
There are indeed true victims.
Yes, and even though states canhave agency gained over them as
well, that's where the healingcomes from, some things like
that.
So, yes, thank you for it'skind of that's important.
Kristelle (25:28):
However, if a person says that you know that they
might not be using the languageof causing themselves as a
victim.
Or let's say, for example,plain and simple you know
Valentine's Day, I said tomyself, I just already sabotaged
Valentine's Day, which a lot ofpeople have opinions about
(25:48):
Valentine's Day being a Hallmarkholiday besides the point.
But saying to myself did I justruin the experience for myself?
Or here's a classic examplethat people that are married or
not married or single have saiddid I just tear apart my
relationship in my head?
That's very common, right?
(26:10):
And that self-sabotaging issomething that I think most
people should be aware about,because that's when people run
away, that's when people leaverelationships, they leave their
companies, they create barriersaround the workplace and you're
like what the fuck?
The guy was just nice to meyesterday across the cubicle,
like why is he being an asshole?
(26:31):
Now, a lot of folksself-sabotage when they don't
even realize it.
It's just so common that I wishthere was more awareness of it,
you know Well that's why we'retalking about it.
Jace (26:40):
Yeah, yeah, most definitely.
Even a different shift on that.
For me, it's like it ishappening.
Most of us do it, right, we dosome version of this, mostly
just like get back in a comfortzone, and this is unconscious,
right.
Nobody's sitting there beinglike, oh, what should?
Why you know, like let's seewhat I can fuck up today.
Kristelle (26:56):
Very rarely, very rarely is that going on?
Jace (26:59):
So we're?
You know this is allunconscious stuff.
So instead of like, did I justtear apart that relationship?
A different approach would belike oh, these were my actions.
What would that be a sensicalresult of Like?
What would have to be true inmy belief system for my actions
to have been this Now we'reactually getting somewhere, we
(27:19):
can resolve some shit.
Instead of the like oh I justfucked up again, I'm always
doing this.
Like, how is that helpful?
Yeah right, and that's differentthan actually being
self-reflective where we go oh,I did this, okay, no shame,
needed that happened.
What would have to be truewithin me to result, for this to
(27:40):
be a sensical action?
I just did, and when we canstart exploring it backwards and
actually find out, oh, I don'tthink I deserve people being
nice to me.
This is not true anymore, butyou know, with the guy and the
people, like when people arenice to me, it makes me really
uncomfortable, or I questiontheir motives or what are they
trying to get out of me?
And I'm like, oh, where's thatcoming from?
(28:00):
And when we can go down like thelittle fun curiosity rabbit
hole for these things, then wecan heal what's going on and
shift it, and then it's justcool.
People are nice to us, right.
And then we can show updifferently in our relationships
, we can show up more inalignment with what we say we
want in our lives, as we hitthat root cause.
Kristelle (28:19):
I will say, and to kind of end this you know this
episode.
I will say that if you are notthe type to go down the rabbit
hole and there are people thathave a different frame- of
thinking.
I think one of the things I hadto tell my team today is that
sometimes you just have to takeone task at a time, that's all
you can ever do truly One day ata time.
(28:40):
That's how I got over.
You know I still battle withgambling addiction, but it's one
of those.
How do you take one day at atime?
How do you take one moment at atime, how do you take one
decision at a time?
The more you just go step bystep, rather than 20 steps
forward, 20 steps back, I thinkit relieves a lot of
self-sabotaging that tends tohappen in an everyday mindset.
Jace (29:03):
Yeah, like what's mine to do right now.
Kristelle (29:05):
Yep, the end, absolutely.
Thanks for joining us ontoday's episode of Stories,
success and Stuff.
A heavy topic on self-sabotageand a little bit of a lack of a
British accent, unfortunately,I'll always miss it now.
Oh yeah and no, I did not go toOxford but at any rate thanks
for joining us on this greatepisode of Stories, success and
Stuff.
(29:25):
We are so grateful that yousubscribe to us on your favorite
podcast channel.
Don't forget to watch us onYouTube or to follow us on
CRScom.
This is Jace.
I'm Crystal.
Thanks again for another greatepisode of Stories, success and
Stuff HelpครEstelle.
Even if we say I want this bigger life or I want this
milestone or this success, ifit's out of alignment with our
underlying story and beliefabout ourselves, we will always
find ways for our own stories tobe true.
["the Last Song of the Year"].
Kristelle (00:18):
Oh, we're rolling.
["the Last Song of the Year"]["The Last Song of the Year"].
Jace (00:22):
Is this one of the like?
Oh hello, when did you get here?
Kristelle (00:28):
Wow, I didn't see you there.
Welcome, no, I didn't.
No, hold on, hold on, thank you.
I didn't think we were rollingbecause he didn't have his
monitor.
Are we good to go?
I was like I slated it up, Didwe?
Because my plan for today'sepisode was to start off with a
British accent.
Jace (00:48):
Oh, by all means, by all means, but no, that's okay, I'll
wait until the next one?
What, Even more than thathappening?
I would very much like to knowwhy.
Why, in your head, you werelike this is the plan.
This is what I'm gonna do today.
Kristelle (01:04):
So I didn't.
So here's the fun fact thatmany people may not know about
filming the stories.
Success and stuff is that weusually film two episodes.
Sometimes even three.
For really ambitious, we filmtwo episodes in one day right, I
don't know if I'm supposed togive away the same figures.
Jace (01:22):
I don't know why you're telling people this.
Kristelle (01:24):
But I say this because it's relevant to the
sweater I'm wearing.
I'm like Oxford, that soundsgreat.
Let me just pretend that like,can you imagine if somebody was
tuning in for the show for thefirst time and they hear a
British, filipino person?
They're like oh, that's reallycool, that's exotic.
Jace (01:43):
So what I've just received from that is you're so
confident in your British accentthat a person would see the
Oxford sweatshirt and hear yourspot on British accent and their
thought would be the onlyexplanation here is that there's
a British Filipina hosting thisshow.
Kristelle (02:02):
Absolutely.
Jace (02:03):
Was that it?
Kristelle (02:04):
Maybe I'd like to talk about some of the things
that we have in the world today,including sub-Septatage.
Jace (02:12):
This is fantastic.
Can we please always justrandomly pick a different accent
to start with for the show, atall times?
Kristelle (02:18):
There's no sense of professionalism when it comes to
marketing anymore.
Jace (02:22):
Yeah, I was interviewing a pre-interviewing a guest
recently and they were sayingI'm just gonna have to take all
of my energy to not curse and Iwas like, oh no, you can
absolutely curse on the show.
It's not that kind of show.
And I was like we curse all thetime.
I'm like we're not all buttonedup and now we're like I don't
wanna say.
I would have said if I was gonnasay but yeah, I was like no,
(02:43):
we're not a buttoned up show,it's gonna be all right.
You say whatever you want.
Yeah, definitely.
And you can say however youwant, apparently in whatever
accent happens to strike yourfancy at the moment.
Kristelle (02:55):
I sometimes I just like to channel dough.
Jace (02:58):
That's all.
Oh yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.
Kristelle (03:00):
Can I get a?
Jace (03:00):
few bars.
Do you have like a song youlike to sing?
Kristelle (03:03):
Don't give me hold on Now.
You're now you're reallyexcited and I can't sing karaoke
right now.
Jace (03:09):
Okay, so today Get it together, be serious, we have a
show to run.
Get your shit together.
Kristelle (03:13):
Do you know how many times I have to tell myself that
during the day?
Get your shit together.
Today's episode of Sorry,Success and Stuff is self
sabotage.
Don't feel like we've done thatalready.
The inspiration of thisfantastic topic of self sabotage
came from self sabotagingmyself on a regular basis Not
(03:34):
with the accents, or you know doyou?
Ever?
Yeah, do you ever have thosemoments where you say to
yourself I think I just ruinedmy day?
Jace (03:43):
I maybe not, I don't necessarily go, oh, I think I
just ruined my day.
But I have the lingeringanxiety of did I just ruin this
thing, did the thing?
I just say, screw that up.
So it's more of not just like,oh, if I did and it's done, fuck
it.
I'm like, well, that happened.
Or I'll say to myself, well,that's part of the day now, or
that's part of my life now, andthen I can move on, cause it's
(04:04):
like it already happened.
It's the dwelling anxiety ofdid I just fuck that up and what
consequences are going to bethere?
Yeah, yeah, that just lives inmy brain, rent-free sometimes.
Kristelle (04:16):
Rent-free, absolutely so constantly rent-free in my
head.
I think that it's important tomention, when it comes to
success, leadership et cetera,that this is a.
I feel that this is a topicthat's not very talked about and
talked about among otherleaders, people going through
(04:38):
major challenges.
As our friend Mike from BlackDigital says, to every win
there's a loss, right, and so Ithink that self-.
Jace (04:46):
There's a loss in every win, loss in every win.
It's not like there's a ratioof losses to win, but in every
win there's loss.
Kristelle (04:51):
Yeah, there's loss, and I think that's a very
careful phrase, that we have tostop and pause, because that can
easily be the start of aself-sabotaging moment in
anybody's head.
So three things what isself-sabotage, why does it
hinder success and what canpeople around us do to help us
stop?
So where is the inspiration forthis topic for today?
(05:13):
I have been going through anintense amount of therapy.
Intense amount of therapybecause I had a moment to myself
where I said I'm not okay withthe way that my brain operates
anymore.
It's not.
I used to be this person, thatand I still am this person.
She's just kind of beensuppressed lately, and by lately
, I think, for like the lastfive to six years.
(05:34):
I say that's very British ofyou, it is very British of me.
So the person that I alwayshave been that she comes out not
as often as she used to is aperson of positivity, a person
of joy, a person of excitementand full of the carpe diem in me
(05:55):
, and I felt recently that ithas been gone and I didn't know
why.
So I went through this likemental.
You know you're the expert, orat least always strive to be.
I consider you the expert.
You might say that you're not.
I consider you the expert andit comes to self mastery, 100%,
and one of the I took a pagefrom your book and I said let's
(06:18):
evaluate where I am.
And I evaluated what doesself-sabotage look like, or why
am I self-sabotaging so much?
It actually started to ruin myrelationships, Not just the
people here in this office.
I don't know if it'stransparent enough to say that
it's ruining relationships herein this office.
I would say that it was very,very apparent with my son and
(06:41):
also my husband Friends as well.
I had to tell them that I'm notokay and I asked myself why did
I start to do that?
And even my therapist said whendid this start to happen?
You?
know, when did this start tobecome a major part of your life
and your mindset?
So, to be more specific, beinga kid, I catastrophize things.
(07:04):
There's a New York Timesarticle that says
catastrophizing things isactually a real thing.
I've talked about it on theshow before, of course, and it's
very similar to it's almostidentical.
It's another word forself-sabotaging, right.
So the article had said hereare the things that you need to
realize that you are aself-sabotager, you are a
catastrophizer, and every one ofthe different points, like you
(07:27):
know, you read those bullshitBuzzfeed reviews you're like
you're a self-sabotager If youdo this and you just go through
the quiz and you're like, well,that's fake.
Okay, that's cool, you got ameme out of it.
No, I read this article and Isaid, oh shit, I have a real
problem here.
And then when I went intotherapy and then when I sat by
myself one time on a two hourtrain ride, I count or on one
(07:47):
hour train ride, in one hour Iself-sabotage and I
catastrophize seven things,seven moments.
So out of 60 minutes I spentroughly half of it in a negative
space, in a catastrophizingspace, and I was like this isn't
okay, that's a lot to do.
And when you take up thatmental space, how can you
(08:11):
progress forward?
How can you stay positive?
You just don't have the time tobe positive anymore.
That doesn't make any fuckingsense.
Jace (08:18):
Well, I think staying positive kind of gets a bad rap.
It can get this notion of likeignoring reality, Like when
someone's positive or I'm prettyoptimistic sometimes to like an
annoying degree to the peoplearound me.
Kristelle (08:29):
And they'll tell me they'll go well, I'm just a
realist.
Jace (08:33):
Like that's different than the optimism or positivity,
right that they're like thingsthat are real are hard and it's
a struggle and life's not fair.
Is that reality?
Yeah, that's part of reality,that is sometimes.
But the other side of likepeople coming through and having
your back or kindness beingshown out of nowhere, just
getting love when we don't feelwe deserve it, fucking kick and
(08:55):
ass all of that is also reality.
And so we have this notion thatpositive thinking or looking on
the bright side or optimism issomehow inferior to the rigor of
the struggle and reality.
And they're not.
And so staying positive is notnecessarily ignoring the
negative, but it's instead, Ithink, putting ourselves in a
(09:18):
space of agency where we'regoing.
Here's the situation what'smine to do?
What power do I have withinmyself to shift things if I need
to, to change my perspective orwhatnot.
It's not an ignoring, whichdoes exist.
It does exist.
I've spent a lot of time indenial, as many of us have, but
instead, when we come into, Ithink, a more grown up version
(09:43):
of self-evaluation and ourrelationships and things like
that, it's not an ignoring ofwhat's going on.
Being in a negative space likethe one.
You're talking aboutself-sabotage, catastrophizing
the anxiety that I sharedexperiencing.
Those put us in a state ofvictimhood or victim mentality.
Kristelle (10:00):
Yes.
Jace (10:01):
And it is happening to me or at me, and here are all the
things that are going wrong, orthat are bad or that I can't
overcome, and it's only gonnaget worse and we're just going
into this victim spiral hood.
So, instead of positive thinking, I like to think about it
stepping into agency, moving outof that victim space and going
into.
(10:21):
All right, I'm a capable person, I have resources.
What can I do here to shiftthis?
If it's not sitting right withme, if I'm experiencing some
form of restlessness, which itsounds like you were okay, I
hear you, what's here for me,what am I experiencing, what am
I witnessing and what do I need?
And I just have to say Icommend you and thank you for
sharing it that you immediatelysought out a professional.
(10:44):
Oh yeah, so you went.
This isn't how I wanna be.
Kristelle (10:47):
No.
Jace (10:47):
My mind is not in a place I want it to be.
I've been here for X amount oftime without handling it on my
own.
Let me bring in someone else.
We have such a bad rap fortherapy or and it's like.
Life is very hard, it'sconfusing.
Being a human is fucking weirdall the time and it's just a
constant contradiction.
And somehow we're supposed toknow how to deal with all of the
(11:10):
things that come with being ahuman and an adult in a world
that's forever changing.
Well, we have like 75 emotionsgoing on simultaneously and
they're all of equal value, andwe have all of these different
ages happening within us andthen our person's, like all this
shit we talk about on the showinside, all at the same time,
and we're supposed to just knowhow to deal with that.
So thank you for saying like Iwent and grabbed someone as a
(11:32):
resource.
Kristelle (11:33):
I think though, yes, I appreciate that comment or the
thanks, but one of the piecesthat I think unintentionally
happened at the same time, andself-sabotaging can be and the
part of the reason why I waslike, okay, this is a good topic
to talk about, becauseself-sabotaging can happen when
you least expect it.
(11:53):
What I realized was that I readan article, the New York Times
article but catastrophizing inone minute, and then, five hours
later, I read an article aboutthe negative impacts of the
power of positivity at the sametime.
I can't tell you.
I think the best metaphor todescribe how I felt that day was
(12:16):
imagine me as like thisbeautiful ceramic elephant and
just fucking chucking it in theground.
I felt like into 1000 pieces,and I even told my therapist.
I said I have never been brokenby articles before.
Jace (12:33):
The power of the written word.
Kristelle (12:36):
Yeah, I was, I was and I think I want people to
know that, based off of you knowthe podcasts of this, like why
is this a relevant topic to talkabout?
It's, I think, that we don'ttalk about how to get yourself
out of those spaces, or we don'ttalk about ways to ask somebody
(12:56):
to help you get out of thosespaces, and if they can't help,
how do you look for that help,professionally speaking?
Yeah, it's not.
It's not.
This is not a mental healthpodcast, right?
At least that's not what I'mintending it to be.
I think one of the things thatthat we we forget to think about
is and let me ask you thisquestion, and if you were to
(13:17):
look at it from my point of viewwhy does self-sabotage hinder
success?
Jace (13:22):
I think the why is actually super important.
Yeah, and I don't know that I'man expert or the expert, but I
do have a longstanding obsessionwith self mastery and exploring
all of these things.
And because I'm very lazy, Irefuse to deal with symptoms.
And so, like the hour long andI noticed seven times like now,
(13:45):
let me deal with these sevenoccurrences of self-sabotage or
cat catastrophic thinking thingslike that, Like those are
symptoms, right.
So I'm like where is this stuffcoming from?
I want to deal with that.
So then I never have to dealwith the symptoms again.
So when we're talking aboutself-sabotage, where's that
coming from?
Why are we doing it?
And then, why does itabsolutely result in a hindrance
to the life we want?
Yeah, People get confusedbecause they go.
(14:06):
I know this isn't in my bestinterest and I'm doing it anyway
.
Or I know this is my goal, butall of my actions disalign me
with that.
So why?
At its core, self-sabotagehappens when we have an
underlying story about ourselvesand our lives.
Usually this comes from youngeryears, in our formative ages,
(14:27):
when we're told directly orindirectly who we are, what our
worth is, what our value is andhow we show up in the world and
that becomes our reality,because we don't have other
reality, because we're littleand so what we're given we're
like that must be true, and wegrow up with that for so long
that all of our perception isthat, and so all of the evidence
(14:49):
we're getting back matches thatas well.
And so, even if we say I wantthis bigger life or I want this
milestone or this success, ifit's out of alignment with our
underlying story and beliefabout ourselves, we will always
find ways for our own stories tobe true, Because it's life or
death for the ego and the brain.
(15:09):
It will be a death to ouridentity.
And imagine if we were all here.
We're kicking it, we'rerecording this podcast, right,
Life goes on as it always is.
And then we look outside andthere's like legit Godzilla
smashing the building next door.
We're not going to just go.
Well, how interesting we'regoing to go.
Oh fuck, the reality I thoughtwas real isn't real.
(15:29):
There are actual monsters andit would snow globe our idea of
things.
Kristelle (15:33):
It would change some shit, right?
Yeah, I'm still super stuck.
I'm like, oh my God, godzillamade an appearance in
Albuquerque.
Jace (15:39):
Right, we don't even have like tall buildings or anything.
This is not New York, that'strue.
Kristelle (15:43):
That's true.
Jace (15:43):
Good point, good point, but it would.
It would fuck some shit up inyour brain, right?
Kristelle (15:46):
Yes.
Jace (15:47):
And so self sabotage happens where it's like no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,no.
Stick with reality, which isjust a story.
So why does it hinder oursuccess?
We'll always alignsubconsciously and in the brain
and in our nervous system, withwhat we believe to be true.
Yeah, so the solution?
We have to change our stories.
Kristelle (16:05):
Yeah, well, I'm glad you that's a perfect segue.
I think you know one of thethings I'm I'm very excited
about that we have it outwardlyoffered as an agency is crisis
communications.
Right oh yeah, and crisiscommunications is something
where it takes a certain mentalaspect out in and out of the
(16:28):
process.
Right, crisis communicationstarts with you know, analyze
the situation.
You look at what are thestakeholders that affected?
How do we make sure that werestore trust into the people
that could potentially losetrust in a crisis situation like
this?
What are our options to fix it?
Right, that that's as I said.
It.
It's very procedural now for meas a crisis communications
(16:50):
professional.
What you said stories.
You also become a better crisiscommunications professional when
you study a crisis.
You study how it affected thepeople, the people in the moment
, the outside stakeholders, theexternal stakeholders.
You start to study, you knowresponse times, which is huge in
(17:15):
crisis.
You study the response of thefirst responders.
You study the response of thepublic relations people.
You you study the government,et cetera.
So why do I bring that up?
I realized one of the manyreasons why I started to have a
catastrophic, catastrophic,catastrophic thinking, or why I
(17:38):
started to self sabotage a lotof the relationships around me
who work or non work related,was because I was used to being
in a crisis mode.
Jace (17:47):
That was your reality.
Kristelle (17:48):
That was my reality, and so I never have been always
a crisis person, but it was.
You know, one of the largestcrises is that, however happens
in this company, was COVID right, and I got used to that.
And then I got used to phonecalls of saying I'm in a crisis
right now, what do I do?
I got to analyzing a crisis soI can be a better crisis
(18:10):
communication professional and Isaid to myself oh shit, I
didn't realize that I'm goingback to the stories that I know
that now, like even talkingabout it, I'm like, oh, this
massive anxiety that I feel allthe time, it just all of a
sudden just came back.
And lately I haven't felt thatI have and I have it when I talk
(18:34):
myself down, which I'm doingright now, when I'm expressing
what's happening, when Idissecting what's happening, and
I'm, most importantly, taking abreath.
I'm taking a breath to say,Okay, don't sabotage this, take
a moment, don't think in thefuture, don't panic.
I had to say that this morning.
Don't panic, take one step at atime.
Jace (19:00):
You took a breath.
I did.
I was like I need a breath.
I'm like I'm panicking rightnow.
Kristelle (19:04):
I had to learn how to just take a breath and say just
take one moment at a time.
And I think that's the bestpiece of advice that I can give
to a person that might belistening and saying, oh my God,
I do the exact same thing.
Take a breath, because that'show you can help a person.
Take a minute to stop self selfsabotaging themselves.
Jace (19:22):
Well, and the cool thing is, whatever we're self
sabotaging, usually isn'tactually happening right in
front of us.
Yeah, there's very rarely an atrue urgent emergency going on
directly in front of us.
They're in the mind Right.
Anxiety is fake fear, but thebody responds the exact same way
.
So, one of the best things wecan do is come into the present
moment and actually take like aninventory of like what's going
(19:45):
on right now and we can do thatthrough the breath or the body
or what my clothes feel likeright now, what are my feet feel
like on the floor?
You know what tastes are in mymouth, anything that brings us
back into the body and into thepresent, we're actually shifting
our nervous system and thefunctions of the brain, and then
we can deal with things.
Kristelle (20:02):
We go.
Jace (20:03):
Oh, that's not real.
Not to invalidate the feeling,no, but it allows us then to
step out of that victim modeinto a grown up space of agency.
And you touched on somethingthat that I experienced and I
see this with myself, masteryclients where most of us are
used to some form of chaos andwe grew up with some kind of
(20:25):
dysfunction or just not aconstant sense of safety and
security.
I mean, how many families havethat?
Very few, yeah, and so thechaos becomes the norm and the
striving for wellness and thedeciphering.
What's wrong with us which Idon't believe anything is wrong
with any of us yeah, and thenwe'll step into this next phase
(20:46):
of well being.
That's very uncomfortablebecause it does not match the
reality we've known, and in that, a lot of us will do things to
continue states of chaos, justbecause then we feel like we
have control over them.
And so it's really fun and Idid this too to watch people
actually come into, like thesuccess that they want or that
(21:08):
they've been working towards,and then freak the fuck out
because it's so different andthey're so uncomfortable, and so
the things like taking thebreath or having the right
people around us allows us tojust be in that discomfort
because it's absolutely going tobe there.
And then when we're like, oh,this is expected Anytime,
there's a change internally,we're going to freak out.
(21:31):
Oh cool, this is the freak outmoment.
And having a plan in place sothat we can just sit through the
discomfort until it becomes thenew norm, and then our reality
in our story has shifted and wedon't have to have that
unconscious need to selfsabotage, yeah, yeah, I also.
Kristelle (21:48):
I'm curious to see your thoughts on the phrase of
the vicious cycle.
There's some folks that, justlike I've encountered, some
professionals, you know withinor without, you know outside of
our walls, that they can neverbe.
As the famous Hamilton quotegoes they will never be
satisfied.
Is that a thing?
Is that self sabotage?
(22:08):
Or is that just a wholedifferent animal in the
beginning, with, I think, eventhe phrasing and we're really
big on?
Jace (22:12):
this in our culture, where there's like oh, is some kind
of battle going on, but like,even the vicious cycle breeds a
space of being a victim.
And when I say, when I sayvictim, I'm saying there's a
perceived threat against me,right, and that's when it
becomes problematic.
So instead of like this is thevicious cycle, it'd be like oh,
(22:35):
this is a cycle that makes sensebased on the history I've had.
Okay, what threat is there?
Yeah, right, so I'm, I'm, I'msuper, super mindful with
language.
We kind of talked about the yousaid talking yourself down or
talking yourself up, or having apositive outlook.
Language is super important.
So, I think even the notion ofthe vicious cycle will create
(22:56):
self sabotage, because thenwe're putting, we're putting
ourselves, even though itdoesn't feel like it, into a
perceived threat.
And now, all of a sudden we'rein our fight flight freezer,
please mode, and we're notactually in a space of agency.
So the more we can be in thatspace of sovereignty we're like
oh okay, what's mine to do here?
(23:17):
What is needed, what's actuallyat hand, the better chance we
have for success.
Kristelle (23:24):
I very much believe, so.
I think that it is important tomention, though, that you know,
in this particular instance nowI'm thinking about it like okay
, you know, you and I have givenourselves to spaces of dealing
with addiction, domesticviolence.
You know, you know places of,you know those that are victims
(23:46):
like we have to say this veryout loud like we're not second
responders, we're not mentalhealth professionals here, right
.
I think that's very important tomention.
However, when it comes to, likeyou said, the self mastery,
working on ourselves, working onour mental health or working on
the professionalism of tryingto achieve success, I think
(24:07):
bringing these things up arevery important in a level where
transparency really.
You know, just saying like, hey, like I've been a person that
has said I'm self sabotaging thesuccess of the company and I'm
self sabotaging it because Ican't just get my shit together,
or something along those lines.
Jace (24:25):
Right and I was like there are true states of victimhood
like what you just described.
That thank you.
And it took me quite a bit oftherapy like even in therapy,
the therapist couldn't use theword victim.
It just didn't sit right withme.
Even though I was sexuallyabused for years as a kid, I
couldn't see myself as a victimin that space.
And so she would say you know,you're a person who has
(24:46):
experienced something thatimpacted you deeply that I could
handle.
It took me a long time toactually go.
Oh no, something really didhappen to me and it resulted in
these things, right?
So, yes, there are actual wayswhere you are indeed a victim.
That is different than when wewere creating that own sense of
anytime we're in this,something's happening to me, and
(25:08):
is it, or are we creating thatin a mental state?
Those are two very differentthings, so yes, thank you for
that distinction.
There are indeed true victims.
Yes, and even though states canhave agency gained over them as
well, that's where the healingcomes from, some things like
that.
So, yes, thank you for it'skind of that's important.
Kristelle (25:28):
However, if a person says that you know that they
might not be using the languageof causing themselves as a
victim.
Or let's say, for example,plain and simple you know
Valentine's Day, I said tomyself, I just already sabotaged
Valentine's Day, which a lot ofpeople have opinions about
(25:48):
Valentine's Day being a Hallmarkholiday besides the point.
But saying to myself did I justruin the experience for myself?
Or here's a classic examplethat people that are married or
not married or single have saiddid I just tear apart my
relationship in my head?
That's very common, right?
(26:10):
And that self-sabotaging issomething that I think most
people should be aware about,because that's when people run
away, that's when people leaverelationships, they leave their
companies, they create barriersaround the workplace and you're
like what the fuck?
The guy was just nice to meyesterday across the cubicle,
like why is he being an asshole?
(26:31):
Now, a lot of folksself-sabotage when they don't
even realize it.
It's just so common that I wishthere was more awareness of it,
you know Well that's why we'retalking about it.
Jace (26:40):
Yeah, yeah, most definitely.
Even a different shift on that.
For me, it's like it ishappening.
Most of us do it, right, we dosome version of this, mostly
just like get back in a comfortzone, and this is unconscious,
right.
Nobody's sitting there beinglike, oh, what should?
Why you know, like let's seewhat I can fuck up today.
Kristelle (26:56):
Very rarely, very rarely is that going on?
Jace (26:59):
So we're?
You know this is allunconscious stuff.
So instead of like, did I justtear apart that relationship?
A different approach would belike oh, these were my actions.
What would that be a sensicalresult of Like?
What would have to be true inmy belief system for my actions
to have been this Now we'reactually getting somewhere, we
(27:19):
can resolve some shit.
Instead of the like oh I justfucked up again, I'm always
doing this.
Like, how is that helpful?
Yeah right, and that's differentthan actually being
self-reflective where we go oh,I did this, okay, no shame,
needed that happened.
What would have to be truewithin me to result, for this to
(27:40):
be a sensical action?
I just did, and when we canstart exploring it backwards and
actually find out, oh, I don'tthink I deserve people being
nice to me.
This is not true anymore, butyou know, with the guy and the
people, like when people arenice to me, it makes me really
uncomfortable, or I questiontheir motives or what are they
trying to get out of me?
And I'm like, oh, where's thatcoming from?
(28:00):
And when we can go down like thelittle fun curiosity rabbit
hole for these things, then wecan heal what's going on and
shift it, and then it's justcool.
People are nice to us, right.
And then we can show updifferently in our relationships
, we can show up more inalignment with what we say we
want in our lives, as we hitthat root cause.
Kristelle (28:19):
I will say, and to kind of end this you know this
episode.
I will say that if you are notthe type to go down the rabbit
hole and there are people thathave a different frame- of
thinking.
I think one of the things I hadto tell my team today is that
sometimes you just have to takeone task at a time, that's all
you can ever do truly One day ata time.
(28:40):
That's how I got over.
You know I still battle withgambling addiction, but it's one
of those.
How do you take one day at atime?
How do you take one moment at atime, how do you take one
decision at a time?
The more you just go step bystep, rather than 20 steps
forward, 20 steps back, I thinkit relieves a lot of
self-sabotaging that tends tohappen in an everyday mindset.
Jace (29:03):
Yeah, like what's mine to do right now.
Kristelle (29:05):
Yep, the end, absolutely.
Thanks for joining us ontoday's episode of Stories,
success and Stuff.
A heavy topic on self-sabotageand a little bit of a lack of a
British accent, unfortunately,I'll always miss it now.
Oh yeah and no, I did not go toOxford but at any rate thanks
for joining us on this greatepisode of Stories, success and
Stuff.
(29:25):
We are so grateful that yousubscribe to us on your favorite
podcast channel.
Don't forget to watch us onYouTube or to follow us on
CRScom.
This is Jace.
I'm Crystal.
Thanks again for another greatepisode of Stories, success and
Stuff HelpครEstelle.
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