October 21, 2025 • 30 mins
Breakups can turn smart people into amateur time travelers—looping through the past, bargaining with memories, and mistaking longing for a plan. We sit down with author and podcaster Paul Bauer to unpack that spiral and chart a way out. Paul shares how a rough divorce and a second hard breakup pushed him to confront the real constant—himself—and why inner game, not tricks, determines whether attraction lasts.
We dig into the difference between being a good man and a “nice guy,” exploring covert contracts, boundary setting, and why approval-seeking reads as instability. Paul breaks down the painful math of chasing an ex: fixed narratives, harder tests, and the near-inevitability of relapse into old patterns. Instead of looping back, he lays out a clean framework for moving forward—no-contact done right, grief without bargaining, rebuilding routines that restore purpose, and practicing selection with intent. The goal isn’t to win her back; it’s to get yourself back so you can date from strength.
From there, we shift into practical tools for attraction and long-term desire. Paul explains how leadership, playful tension, and everyday physicality revive intimacy—especially in “dead bedroom” dynamics—and why waiting until bedtime to ask for connection sets everyone up to fail. We talk about the captain–first officer model, how to lead without steamrolling, and how to keep relationships fun without slipping into complacency. Whether you’re wrestling with one-itis, navigating divorce, or trying to bring spark back to a long-term bond, you’ll leave with clear steps and a steadier frame.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to the Straight From the Source's Mouth
Podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Hello, Tamara here.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guest is author andpodcaster Paul Bauer, and we'll
be talking about the strugglesmen face after a breakup or
divorce, especially when itcomes to attraction, emotional
obsession, and rebuilding yourdating lives.
(00:20):
Thanks for joining me, Paul.
Tamara, thank you so much forhaving me on.
I really appreciate it.
Yes, thank you very much forbeing on.
Great information from what Iread about your what you're
going to talk about.
So excited to have theinformation for my listeners.
SPEAKER_01 (00:34):
So I'm happy to share this stuff.
And uh just to preface whatwe're about to talk about, I my
my book that I have out is verycontroversial.
Well, at least the title is.
The title's controversial, butthe inside's pretty it's uh it's
it's it's a little bit softerand easier to swallow.
Uh, but uh you know, you gottayou gotta get an
(00:54):
attention-grabbing title thesedays, otherwise people aren't
gonna buy your book.
Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00):
Yeah, and and I mean I've had several episodes about
like the differences between menand women and how we talk
differently and the attractionthat women have.
Like a lot of people think Iread years ago about you know,
women men thought women likedassholes, but really we want a
challenge, but we want apositive challenge.
But if we can't have a positivechallenge, we'll settle for a
(01:21):
negative challenge versus a nochallenge.
So I don't know if you agreewith that, but it's it was like
askmen.com years ago, and it'salways resonated with me.
But I think that's kind of thestuff you talk about, or at
least how to keep the attractionfor a man.
And then feel free to startwhere you want to start.
SPEAKER_01 (01:37):
Yeah, no, I actually um a lot of guys think that,
right?
They think that I can either Ican either be a good guy or I
have to be an asshole, andthat's not necessarily true.
You don't have to be, you can bea good man, you just can't be a
nice guy, and there's a there'sa big difference there that a
lot of people don't understand.
Like nice guys, self-proclaimednice guys, and the guys that
(02:00):
we're talking about in the men'sspace is uh guys with classic
nice guy syndrome.
And there's a guy named Dr.
Robert Glover, he wrote aphenomenal book years ago called
No More Mr.
Nice Guy, and he really is thethe expert that shin the light
on this phenomenon that has beenhappening since World War II,
where men have been raised to bepeople pleasers and and we let
(02:24):
her we we let people walk allover us.
We don't know how to setboundaries right, we don't know
how to have standards forourselves and focus on our
purpose and and all this kind ofstuff.
And so what these guys end updoing is they're nice in order
to get something back, and wecall that a covert contract.
So they're in reality, they'reanything but nice, and the
(02:45):
moment that they don't get backwhat they believe that they're
owed for doing this nicebehavior, now all of a sudden
they're not so nice anymore andthey're passive aggressive and
all this kind of stuff.
And and so a lot ofself-proclaimed nice guys that
complain about the jerks outthere, that's how they're
acting, and then they'rewondering why women don't really
like them that much, is becausewomen aren't stupid, women can
(03:06):
actually sniff this out.
It's like women can smell thislike sharks smell blood, you
know.
So so women if that's theiroption, they're gonna go with
the the jerk most of the timebecause the jerk actually knows
how to set boundaries.
He might not do it in the bestpossible way, but he at least
knows how to do this sort ofthing, and so yeah, no, it makes
(03:27):
perfect sense to me.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (03:29):
And do you want to talk about your book first or
talk about how you got intoknowing all this information,
like kind of your background oryeah, let's get into my my
background a little bit.
SPEAKER_01 (03:37):
I'll give people my my Batman origin story.
So uh yeah, I wasn't always inthis space, and I used to think
that I knew everything I neededto know about women.
I was actually always prettygood with women, I used to think
anyway.
Uh, you know, in high school, Ialways had girlfriends, uh, but
I was always that guy that wasrunning for the white picket
(04:00):
fence.
I was looking for uh a wifesomeday, and and I would just
sniper date any girl that wasremotely nice to me.
I would go all in on her, andthis is this is it, she's the
one, you know.
And so that carried uh afterhigh school into the the Navy,
and two years into the Navy, Imet my now ex-wife, and she and
(04:25):
I we eloped when I was 19.
Um, and so I wasn't even oldenough to drink alcohol yet.
But but uh we in and when we didthat, we hadn't even really
known each other that long.
I met her when I went home onleave one time uh through some
mutual acquaintances, and we hadthis long distance relationship
(04:46):
for about a year before Iconvinced her to move out to San
Diego where I was stationed.
And then three months afterthat, we got we eloped because I
was getting ready to go ondeployment and I wanted to make
sure she was taken care of, andthat's that was my job as a man
to be a provider and all thiskind of stuff.
So so I did that.
I married her, um, completelydidn't have time to really get
(05:08):
to know her that well, uh,really understand her red flags
and all this kind of stuff.
And um, what ended up happeningwas uh the I would say the first
half of the marriage was prettygood.
We were married for 14 years.
The first half was pretty good.
We ended up having two reallywonderful kids uh as a part of
that relationship, but the lasthalf was just absolutely
(05:28):
miserable.
Um, I just I didn't like beingaround her, I didn't think she
didn't like me that much.
Uh there was times where I'd I'djust be so frustrated with her
that I would I would go in thegarage and grab a cot and go
sleep in my office because Ididn't want to sleep in the same
room as her.
There was days where I'd worklike 18-hour days just to avoid
going home.
And then I knew when I got homethat I was gonna get an earful,
(05:51):
you know, so I would just sit inmy car and just, you know, take
some deep breaths, waiting forthis, this uh bombardment of
nagging or whatever.
And so I was just miserable.
But at that time, I I was alsothe guy that never would have
quit because I, you know, myparents are always uh stayed
together, my grandparents, bothsets of grandparents, stayed
(06:12):
together, but they're alwaysmiserable.
The men in the relationshipswere miserable, but that's just
how life was.
And so I was like, oh, this isit.
You get married, uh, it's prettygood at first, you have some
kids, and then all goesdownhill, and you're basically
Al Bundy.
That's just how life is supposedto be.
Well, God bless her.
She finally had enough of it inum in 2014, the very beginning
(06:33):
of 2014, she filed for divorce,and so I ended up back on the
dating circuit for the firsttime in 15 years, and I hadn't
practiced in forever.
It was a whole new world.
New date, dating apps andeverything didn't exist when I
met her.
And so I just floundered.
I floundered around for about 11months.
Um, and I was 50 poundsoverweight and stuff too.
And so I just floundered for 11months until I met this other
(06:58):
gal um who I refer to on mypodcast as Red Pill Chick.
I always like to keep peopleanonymous, you know.
And so I met Red Pill Chick, andshe was a little bit of a chubby
chaser.
She liked, you know, thickerguys, and so that she took pity
on me, and I just went back tomy old patterns, went all in on
the first girls nice to me.
And we were in a relationshipfor four and a half years, and
(07:22):
uh I immediately went back intowhat I call husband mode, where
I just was like, oh, I don'thave to try anymore.
I already got her.
And I was just really lookingfor that routine, you know, that
routine that I had beenaccustomed to for the last 15
years.
So I just immediately went onthat.
She she checked out, she checkedout about two years into that
(07:43):
relationship, and she startedlining up male orbiters that she
had, you know, around.
And next thing I know, uh at thefour and a half year mark, she's
just pushing me away so much andsort of acting so bad that I
finally was like, okay, uh thisisn't working for me.
We got to break up.
And then I found out inhindsight that she was actually
cheating on me at the end, youknow?
(08:04):
And so that that was in uh 2019,and I found myself back on the
dating circuit again.
This time I was able to getdates really easy because I had
lost all the weight during thatrelationship, but I couldn't
keep women around more than twoor three dates.
And I was like, what am I doingwrong here?
You know, I had this epiphanymoment where I realized I was
(08:24):
the common denominator.
Like the both the biggestrelationships of my adult life
failed.
Uh, now I'm back on the datingcircuit again for the second
time in my adult life, and Idon't know what I'm doing.
Like, I I'm clearly doingsomething wrong.
And so um, one of the blessingsof being the real in the
relationship with Red Pill Chickwas she was really big into
(08:45):
audiobooks.
And so I was like, Well, I betyou there's some some books out
here that I can read or listento that'll help me figure out
what I'm doing wrong.
And so I just did an absolutedeep dive in intersexual
dynamics and psychology.
I read some of these books 25times, just on repeat, trying to
(09:05):
understand what I was doingwrong.
And uh, and then I was takingthat information and applying it
on the in the dating circuit,and I was having lots of success
with it.
And I that brought me into amen's group uh that's no longer
there on Facebook, but this inthis men's community, we were
all studying a book called Howto Be a Three Percent Man by
Corey Wayne, and so what we wereall doing in that group was we
(09:29):
were all going out and datingand then coming back and sharing
our stories of what worked andwhat didn't, sort of swapping
notes and guys saying, Oh, well,try this next time or read this
book.
This book has better, uh, abetter understanding of this
particular scenario kind ofthing.
And so through that experience,I sort of developed my own
style.
And then uh I startedinterviewing guys on that uh
(09:52):
from that group.
And that's where my podcaststarted.
And then I started meeting uhauthors and and and coaches and
and other guys, bigger names inthe space, and eventually got
invited on a panel show onSaturdays with a lot of
prominent people.
Uh, it was called Rule Zero.
And from there I started writingbooks and coaching guys, and it
(10:14):
just sort of blew up from there.
I sort of turned my pain into mypassion, and and here we are
today, and now I have fourbooks.
SPEAKER_00 (10:21):
So yeah.
I mean, yeah, it's good that alot not a not a lot of people
want to take the time to learnabout themselves and figure
what's go figure out what's notworking.
SPEAKER_01 (10:31):
So yeah, well, I mean, I I was I was that guy,
and and a lot of guys uh whenthey go through a breakup or
divorce, they're thinking, um,well, there are a couple of
different scenarios, right?
Like if they absolutely hatedtheir wife or their
ex-girlfriend for whateverreason, they're like, oh, well,
she was clearly the problem.
All I need is another person,and you know, everything is
gonna be hunky dory, but theydon't realize that they're
(10:54):
taking their same badrelationship habits into the
next relationship, and they endup dating the same person with a
different face, you know, andthis the same thing ends up
happening and until you startworking on yourself.
That's the only way you're gonnachange these things, but
everyone wants to point thefinger at everyone else.
SPEAKER_00 (11:14):
Yeah, definitely.
So, what was your well, sincewe're talking about your latest
book, start there, and thenmaybe if you want to talk about
the other ones too.
But what did you what are guyssuffering from when they first
break up?
SPEAKER_01 (11:27):
Yeah, so uh so my latest book, it came out in
June.
It's it's called Forget ThatBitch, A Red Pill Guide to
Breakups.
And what what really inspired meto write this book was I
actually had a couple of uh uhwhat I call 3% brothers um from
that men's group because we wereall studying how to be a 3% man.
(11:48):
So we're all 3% brothers in thatgroup.
And of a good majority of thoseguys found their way into the
space and into that groupbecause they were trying to
reattract an ex.
And they were all, you know,they realized that they messed
something up in theirrelationship and they were
trying to fix it and they weretrying to get her back.
And there was a couple of guys,two specific guys, that I just
(12:12):
remember they wasted years,wasted years just pining over an
ex.
And they would go out dating andthey would have relatively good
success, but they could neverum, they were always comparing
these new women to their exes.
They're never good enough,they're not as good as my ex.
And these guys were just stuckfor years at a time, and it was
heartbreaking to watch, uh,absolutely heartbreaking to
(12:33):
watch.
And in the the red pillcommunity, which is sort of
where um where I come out of uhgetting back together with an ex
is is the worst idea possiblebecause usually your ex has some
kind of preconceived notionabout you, it doesn't matter how
much you're you've changed, theyalways have this idea of who you
(12:53):
really are at heart, and theydon't believe the surface level
changes.
And honestly, most guys are onlydoing these changes just to get
her back, and then they just goback to their their old
programming.
So they're not even really doingit to fix themselves and change
themselves, they're just doingit as a means to an end.
And women aren't stupid, like Isaid before, women can sniff
(13:14):
this out, so it almost alwaysends the same.
She'll she'll test you harder,she's going to just to see if
this new version of you is realor not.
And so it becomes this nightmareand it causes a bunch of fights,
and you end up broken up again.
And so I just I just don't wantto see more guys go through
this.
So when I wrote this book, theway I wrote it was with those
(13:36):
kinds of guys in mind.
Uh, guys that are obsessing overtheir ex, they know they need to
move on, but they're they can'tstop thinking about the ex.
And so the way my book goes, theflow of it is I talk about why
after a breakup, getting backtogether with an ex is a bad
idea.
But you're not gonna listen tome.
You're gonna want to do what theheart wants, right?
(13:56):
So the second chapter is this ishow you get them back.
This is there's a seven-stepprocess for getting an ex back.
Like it's if you go to anybreakup coach, any get your ex
back coach, this is what theyteach you, right?
And so I put it in my book.
This is how you do it.
But then the next chapter afterthat is like, okay, you got her
back, and it ended the same way.
(14:17):
Now it's time to move on, right?
And so the whole next of thebook, next um or rest of the
book rather, is all just abouthow do you actually forget your
ex and get over her and work onyour the your inner game and and
and stuff like that.
And then taking time to heal,because most guys don't do that.
Most guys are trying to fillthat void and try to get back to
(14:40):
some semblance of normalcy, youknow.
So that and that's exactly whatI was doing after my divorce and
and actually after my initialbreakup with Red Pill Chick, I
was just trying to get back tothat normal.
And I didn't realize it howimportant it was to take time to
heal and get used to being onyour own and enjoying your own
company.
(15:00):
And and once you're able to dothat, then you're ready to go
out there and start datingagain.
And so uh, and then in the book,I actually give guys some game,
like how to actually have somesuccess on dating apps and and
find the right women and someactual strategy there that most
guys don't do.
So um I'm I'm hoping that guysread this book and really
(15:24):
fundamentally change how theysee dating and relationships
forever after this, so that theynever actually get to this point
again.
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
Yeah, yeah, like you said, you're just gonna repeat
the same patterns.
And I they do say at least sixmonths of a break is helpful to
like really figure itself out.
And I know I did that before aswell, and definitely learned a
lot.
SPEAKER_01 (15:43):
Did you find that helpful?
SPEAKER_00 (15:44):
Yeah, definitely.
I mean, I've I met a totallydifferent person after that,
like a different kind of person,you know, and it's just like
much like much better.
Yeah.
Good.
And I learned from starting mypodcast as well, just
interviewing all the people andlearning from each guest, and
yeah, so it actually that's I Idid that for years.
SPEAKER_01 (16:19):
I um when I first started the podcast, I was just
trying to get other authors andstuff in the space, mainly you
know, selfishly, just so I canpick their brain, you know, like
what so what do you think aboutthis?
You know, you know?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:32):
So then have you read sorry, have you read uh
Neil Strauss, The Truth?
SPEAKER_01 (16:36):
I haven't read The Truth, but I've read the game.
SPEAKER_00 (16:38):
Yeah.
So he there's a follow-up to thegame where he, you know, that
was like the pickup artiststuff, followed them around.
Right.
He tried his um you know,alternative lifestyle stuff,
thinking like that's what heneeded to do, and then of
course, full circle back to likebasically learning about himself
and healing and all that stuff.
So it was pretty powerful comingfrom the guy that you know kind
(16:59):
of blew up that whole world orlike in a good way and made it
made it famous.
SPEAKER_01 (17:03):
Well, you know, uh the book The Game, a lot of
people when they read the game,they're reading it for the
pickup artistry and how coolthat is.
But I got something completelydifferent out of that book.
When I read that book, what Iwas finding was that a majority
of those guys, the pickupartists, they were really
looking for a deeper connection.
(17:24):
They they didn't want to justsleep with random girls all the
time.
And but the but those guys, allof their their stuff was all
surface level stuff.
It was all tips and tricks, andthey were doing it, they were
targeting specific women thatthey knew would be more
susceptible to their antics.
So they were looking for youknow party girls uh at the club
(17:46):
with big hoop earrings andwearing provocative clothing and
stuff.
They weren't doing it on justthe average girl at the
supermarket, you know?
Yeah.
And then when they would get inthese relationships, they had no
uh what we call mental frame.
They had they had no um, youknow, sense of purpose.
They had no, it was all it wasall a facade.
(18:06):
Everything that they were doingwas was flash and no substance.
And they couldn't keep thesewomen around, you know, more
than a couple of weekends, andit was crushing them, and
especially uh Mystery.
Mystery, it was like he wasbasically borderline insane half
the time because he was reallypining over the one girl, like
naughty or something.
I can't remember what her namewas.
(18:28):
He was he was just always piningfor this one girl, and I think a
lot of guys read that, they'relike, Well, why is he so upset
by this?
Because you know, he can haveany girl he wants.
It's like, no, but he can't havethat girl, and he's got this
what we call one itis for thisone girl.
And so what I I just I justfound it was uh the my biggest
takeaway was these guys neverdeveloped that inner game that
(18:50):
made them attractive humanbeings, you know, at a deeper
level that women actually wantedto be around for the long term.
SPEAKER_00 (18:57):
Yeah, and it sounds like your book is what covers
that part of it.
Yeah, well, I at least try to,yeah.
Or at least more than the otherone did.
Yeah.
So you want to talk more aboutthe book or talk about some
other books that you wrote, orto how you coach or how to reach
you, whichever one you want togo next.
SPEAKER_01 (19:14):
Oh, no, no, that's good.
Um, well, I could talk about myother books too, real quick.
So the book right before this,so this is a part of a series.
I'm writing a three-book series,and this is book two in the
series.
And the way I'm doing this isit's kind of a uh a which way
guide, right?
So the first book in the seriesis uh this one, which is called
Get Her to Fuck You Again.
(19:36):
And so this is a a red pillguide to fix a dead bedroom.
And uh a lot of people there'sbasically two main avenues guys
find their selves findthemselves in um when they're
when they find their way to thered pill space.
One is they're married and theirtheir wife isn't intimate with
them anymore for whateverreason.
And so they're just googlingonline, like how do I get her to
(19:58):
bang me again, right?
Or whatever.
And so uh that's what this bookis about.
This book is actually abouttrying to fix your marriage
because uh a lot of people justdon't realize the absolute hell
uh and the the meat grinder offamily court is, especially for
men.
It's really unfavorable for men.
And and it's it's interestingbecause people might argue that
(20:20):
the the laws aren't reallywritten against men, they're
written against uh the higherearner, the higher uh the person
who brings in the most money.
Well, the funny thing is that uhwomen women's nature, they have
uh uh their their their primarysexual strategy is what we call
hypergamy.
(20:40):
And and it's not a bad thing.
A lot of people think hypergamyis this evil thing.
It's it's not, it's just it'sjust the way the world works.
But women are typically lookingfor guys that uh can protect and
provide, they make more money.
You know, you you will you willnever see a boss babe, you know,
(21:01):
high high earning uh femaleattorney dating a Starbucks
barista.
Like you'll never see it seethat happen because women are
attracted to guys that are abovethem.
So maybe um, and I say abovethem, like in this case,
monetarily, right?
Yeah, and so so typically womenare are marrying guys that are
that earn more than them.
(21:22):
And so when you apply the lawsto that, the guys get screwed at
you know, a lot of the time.
And so um, what I'm trying to dois try to help guys who didn't
get the memo that maybe marriageisn't the best idea for men, and
they pulled that trigger andthey're in uh the circumstance,
uh a lot of them can turn thisaround.
Like, so so I'm of the mind ofwell, why if you if you can, you
(21:46):
absolutely should try to saveyour marriage.
So this book is all about how toreally reignite that attraction
with your wife again.
Because the reason why she's nothaving sex with you, it's not uh
she's tired all the time, it'snot that she's low libido, it's
not that she's uh you know hashormonal issues.
I mean, it might be part ofthat, but in in reality, if she
(22:10):
truly desired you, she wouldfind a way, you know, to fix it.
She's just not motivated to fixit because she doesn't like you
that much anymore.
So this book will show showsguys how to reestablish their
attractiveness with their wifeagain, you know.
But uh not all not allrelationships can be saved.
So I'm very honest with thereader in that regard, where you
(22:32):
go through all this stuff, youlevel up, you're learning how to
be a better communicator, you'relearning how to handle her her
tests, you're you're learninghow to not get angry at every
little thing and have someemotional control and all this
kind of stuff.
By the end of the book, afteryou've done all this work, you
look at your wife.
A lot of the times, by thistime, um, she's inspired to get
(22:55):
on board and start working onherself and start, you know,
making a change, and theneveryone's happy.
That's when guys turn theirmarriages around, that's what
happens.
But not, but sometimes women arejust so far checked out that
they're not getting on board.
unknown (23:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (23:09):
Well, at that point, you got to realize uh you've
life is too short, and you andthere's no reason to stay in a
marriage that's that's bad foryou.
And now you can be more on theoffensive as opposed to being on
the defensive, and you canactually make this uh you know
divorce happen on your terms onin a in a better situation that
(23:29):
way.
So the second book is for guysthat couldn't turn their
marriage around, right?
So now they're in the nowthey're divorced and now they're
back on the dating circuit anduh now they need to learn how to
move on.
So that's what this book'sabout.
And then I'm currently in theprocess of writing the third
book, which is going to becalled, it's gonna be called
Keep Your Bitch, uh, a red pillguide to relationships.
(23:52):
And that one is gonna be boththose books.
If you were able to turn yourmarriage around in the first
book, that the third book isthis the next book that you're
gonna want to read.
If uh you weren't able to turnit around and you so you've you
read forget that bitch, and nowyou've uh you've met a woman
that you're you've identified asyour contender um for a
(24:13):
long-term relationship, then thethird book's gonna be the next
book for that one too.
And so that one's just all gonnabe about maintaining uh a
healthy relationship and keepingthat attraction going for the
long term.
And that I'm shooting to havethat out by December.
SPEAKER_00 (24:27):
Okay.
And what what can you share somethings that that are in the
third book just as far askeeping like what you just said,
what you're trying to helppeople see?
SPEAKER_01 (24:37):
Honestly, a lot of it is going to be a mix of the
first two books.
Um, because in uh in in Get Herto Fuck You Again, it a lot of
it is how to um set the tone andactually lead the relationship
and and do it from the model ofuh what we call a captain and
(24:59):
first officer dynamic, or I callit a captain and executive
officer dynamic.
And that we found in the spaceafter trading notes with with
guys and and back forums andstuff like that for the last 20
years that that's the mosteffective way to run a
relationship.
And and women tend to be happierin a relationship dynamic like
that.
And so uh a lot of it is justmore of that type of uh how do
(25:23):
how to do that, how to how totake her on dates, how to um how
to flirt with her and and how tojust keep that fun and uh
excitement alive going long termand how to avoid complacency the
most.
SPEAKER_00 (25:35):
Yeah.
I how would you say is best fora woman to approach, I mean, I
don't you're you usually talkabout the opposite where the
woman doesn't want to have sex,but what if a how would a man
want a woman to approach forsex?
SPEAKER_01 (25:50):
Well, that's that's one thing that I I talk about a
lot because a guy it a woman cando whatever she wants, she can
she can approach however shewants, and a guy will be cool
with it, he would just be happythat she's up she's approaching.
So I think a lot of women get intheir head about that sort of
thing, because that's not it'snot natural to them to to be the
initiators.
Like that when it comes todating, it's women aren't out
(26:12):
there shooting their shot allthe time, they're out there sort
of like, Oh, I hope this guynotices me.
And so they sort of putthemselves in their the guy's
vicinity hoping that he'll saysomething, right?
That's that's girl game, youknow.
But but and guys are clueless tothat sort of thing.
So um for women, I would say youcan you can initiate however,
(26:32):
however, um it's gonna be welltaken 99.9% of the time.
Uh for guys, um, what I tellthem, because a lot of guys,
what they'll do is they'll getin their head of I want her to
initiate more.
And so they they think if I stopinitiating, she's going to
initiate more.
And that's not what happens.
(26:53):
Like it what happens is sex justdries up, it just stops
happening.
And so what I tell guys is like,look, it's just not, it's just
not in your wife's nature toinitiate all the time.
So if you want more sex, likeyou need to initiate more.
You need to be the one that'sseducing her, you need to be the
one that's doing uh what do wecall kino escalation throughout
the day.
(27:13):
And don't just wait untilbedtime and go, okay, well, now
it's 10 o'clock, it's sexy time,because women can't just flip it
on like a like a like a lightswitch, like men can.
Um, you have to sort of primethe pump throughout the day, get
her in the mood first.
And so that's what I I teachguys how to do that um in the
book, so that by the time it isbedtime, she's just as ready for
(27:36):
it as you are, you know.
And I'm like, if you do thatenough, she's going to initiate
plenty.
You don't have to worry aboutit.
SPEAKER_00 (27:43):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
Do you want to talk about yourpodcast or how people can work
with you as a coach?
SPEAKER_01 (27:51):
Yeah, well, yeah, we can do that.
So um, if you want to check outmy podcast, uh, it's best to
just go to comeonmanpod.com,www.comonmanpod.com.
That will uh take you to my mygumroad page where I have um I
have free ebooks there that youcan download.
Um, one for if you're in a deadbedroom situation, one if you're
(28:12):
in a breakup situation.
They're both free.
Uh one's called She's Made YouWeak, and the other one's called
Um Fine, Here's How You Get HerBack.
Actually, um break down theseven-step process to get your
ex back in that one for the guysin a breakup.
Uh, you can you can hire me fromcoaching there, and then you can
also check out my podcast.
I have new episodes everyMonday, Wednesday, and Friday on
(28:33):
all the major podcast platforms,and the show is called the Come
On Man Podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (28:39):
Okay.
And do you have any like finaltakeaways you want the listeners
to get from what you've shared?
SPEAKER_01 (28:46):
I would say the biggest thing that I would teach
guys um when it comes to when itcomes to a breakup is you need
to reevaluate whether you wantto get your ex back and start
focusing more on gettingyourself back.
(29:07):
I think that's the biggesttakeaway I'd want guys uh to get
from this episode.
SPEAKER_00 (29:12):
Okay.
Well, thank you very much forbeing on.
Good information, of course.
And yeah, I know the titlesmight offend some women or some
people, but like you said, yougotta be catchy to it's not
written for women.
SPEAKER_01 (29:24):
So but uh but I'll tell you what, if you if you
have a lot of female listeners,um, a lot of women do have
brothers out there, they haveuncles, they have fathers that
go through this sort of thingand they can see it.
Like women, women sort of cansniff out the badness in other
women better than men can,right?
And so a lot of women will see aguy just pining over over their
(29:46):
ex, and she'll be like, Man, youjust need to move on.
You just need to move on.
And so if if if that's uh awoman in your audience and she's
got a a guy friend or a brotheror something like that, like
recommend this book for himbecause that will help him
through, I think, more thananything.
SPEAKER_00 (30:03):
Yeah, yeah.
Hearing it from someone neutraltoo.
But yeah, books definitely dothat.
All right.
Well, thank you very much forbeing on.
And if you love this episode, besure to tell your friends about
it and rate it as well.
And thank you again, Paul, forbeing on.
SPEAKER_01 (30:15):
Thanks, Tamara.
I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:17):
Alright, and don't forget to check out his site
website.
Alright.
Thanks everyone.
SPEAKER_01 (30:22):
Frank Talk! Frank Talk! Sex and dating educates!
Welcome to the Straight From the Source's Mouth
Podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Hello, Tamara here.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guest is author andpodcaster Paul Bauer, and we'll
be talking about the strugglesmen face after a breakup or
divorce, especially when itcomes to attraction, emotional
obsession, and rebuilding yourdating lives.
(00:20):
Thanks for joining me, Paul.
Tamara, thank you so much forhaving me on.
I really appreciate it.
Yes, thank you very much forbeing on.
Great information from what Iread about your what you're
going to talk about.
So excited to have theinformation for my listeners.
SPEAKER_01 (00:34):
So I'm happy to share this stuff.
And uh just to preface whatwe're about to talk about, I my
my book that I have out is verycontroversial.
Well, at least the title is.
The title's controversial, butthe inside's pretty it's uh it's
it's it's a little bit softerand easier to swallow.
Uh, but uh you know, you gottayou gotta get an
(00:54):
attention-grabbing title thesedays, otherwise people aren't
gonna buy your book.
Yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_00 (01:00):
Yeah, and and I mean I've had several episodes about
like the differences between menand women and how we talk
differently and the attractionthat women have.
Like a lot of people think Iread years ago about you know,
women men thought women likedassholes, but really we want a
challenge, but we want apositive challenge.
But if we can't have a positivechallenge, we'll settle for a
(01:21):
negative challenge versus a nochallenge.
So I don't know if you agreewith that, but it's it was like
askmen.com years ago, and it'salways resonated with me.
But I think that's kind of thestuff you talk about, or at
least how to keep the attractionfor a man.
And then feel free to startwhere you want to start.
SPEAKER_01 (01:37):
Yeah, no, I actually um a lot of guys think that,
right?
They think that I can either Ican either be a good guy or I
have to be an asshole, andthat's not necessarily true.
You don't have to be, you can bea good man, you just can't be a
nice guy, and there's a there'sa big difference there that a
lot of people don't understand.
Like nice guys, self-proclaimednice guys, and the guys that
(02:00):
we're talking about in the men'sspace is uh guys with classic
nice guy syndrome.
And there's a guy named Dr.
Robert Glover, he wrote aphenomenal book years ago called
No More Mr.
Nice Guy, and he really is thethe expert that shin the light
on this phenomenon that has beenhappening since World War II,
where men have been raised to bepeople pleasers and and we let
(02:24):
her we we let people walk allover us.
We don't know how to setboundaries right, we don't know
how to have standards forourselves and focus on our
purpose and and all this kind ofstuff.
And so what these guys end updoing is they're nice in order
to get something back, and wecall that a covert contract.
So they're in reality, they'reanything but nice, and the
(02:45):
moment that they don't get backwhat they believe that they're
owed for doing this nicebehavior, now all of a sudden
they're not so nice anymore andthey're passive aggressive and
all this kind of stuff.
And and so a lot ofself-proclaimed nice guys that
complain about the jerks outthere, that's how they're
acting, and then they'rewondering why women don't really
like them that much, is becausewomen aren't stupid, women can
(03:06):
actually sniff this out.
It's like women can smell thislike sharks smell blood, you
know.
So so women if that's theiroption, they're gonna go with
the the jerk most of the timebecause the jerk actually knows
how to set boundaries.
He might not do it in the bestpossible way, but he at least
knows how to do this sort ofthing, and so yeah, no, it makes
(03:27):
perfect sense to me.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (03:29):
And do you want to talk about your book first or
talk about how you got intoknowing all this information,
like kind of your background oryeah, let's get into my my
background a little bit.
SPEAKER_01 (03:37):
I'll give people my my Batman origin story.
So uh yeah, I wasn't always inthis space, and I used to think
that I knew everything I neededto know about women.
I was actually always prettygood with women, I used to think
anyway.
Uh, you know, in high school, Ialways had girlfriends, uh, but
I was always that guy that wasrunning for the white picket
(04:00):
fence.
I was looking for uh a wifesomeday, and and I would just
sniper date any girl that wasremotely nice to me.
I would go all in on her, andthis is this is it, she's the
one, you know.
And so that carried uh afterhigh school into the the Navy,
and two years into the Navy, Imet my now ex-wife, and she and
(04:25):
I we eloped when I was 19.
Um, and so I wasn't even oldenough to drink alcohol yet.
But but uh we in and when we didthat, we hadn't even really
known each other that long.
I met her when I went home onleave one time uh through some
mutual acquaintances, and we hadthis long distance relationship
(04:46):
for about a year before Iconvinced her to move out to San
Diego where I was stationed.
And then three months afterthat, we got we eloped because I
was getting ready to go ondeployment and I wanted to make
sure she was taken care of, andthat's that was my job as a man
to be a provider and all thiskind of stuff.
So so I did that.
I married her, um, completelydidn't have time to really get
(05:08):
to know her that well, uh,really understand her red flags
and all this kind of stuff.
And um, what ended up happeningwas uh the I would say the first
half of the marriage was prettygood.
We were married for 14 years.
The first half was pretty good.
We ended up having two reallywonderful kids uh as a part of
that relationship, but the lasthalf was just absolutely
(05:28):
miserable.
Um, I just I didn't like beingaround her, I didn't think she
didn't like me that much.
Uh there was times where I'd I'djust be so frustrated with her
that I would I would go in thegarage and grab a cot and go
sleep in my office because Ididn't want to sleep in the same
room as her.
There was days where I'd worklike 18-hour days just to avoid
going home.
And then I knew when I got homethat I was gonna get an earful,
(05:51):
you know, so I would just sit inmy car and just, you know, take
some deep breaths, waiting forthis, this uh bombardment of
nagging or whatever.
And so I was just miserable.
But at that time, I I was alsothe guy that never would have
quit because I, you know, myparents are always uh stayed
together, my grandparents, bothsets of grandparents, stayed
(06:12):
together, but they're alwaysmiserable.
The men in the relationshipswere miserable, but that's just
how life was.
And so I was like, oh, this isit.
You get married, uh, it's prettygood at first, you have some
kids, and then all goesdownhill, and you're basically
Al Bundy.
That's just how life is supposedto be.
Well, God bless her.
She finally had enough of it inum in 2014, the very beginning
(06:33):
of 2014, she filed for divorce,and so I ended up back on the
dating circuit for the firsttime in 15 years, and I hadn't
practiced in forever.
It was a whole new world.
New date, dating apps andeverything didn't exist when I
met her.
And so I just floundered.
I floundered around for about 11months.
Um, and I was 50 poundsoverweight and stuff too.
And so I just floundered for 11months until I met this other
(06:58):
gal um who I refer to on mypodcast as Red Pill Chick.
I always like to keep peopleanonymous, you know.
And so I met Red Pill Chick, andshe was a little bit of a chubby
chaser.
She liked, you know, thickerguys, and so that she took pity
on me, and I just went back tomy old patterns, went all in on
the first girls nice to me.
And we were in a relationshipfor four and a half years, and
(07:22):
uh I immediately went back intowhat I call husband mode, where
I just was like, oh, I don'thave to try anymore.
I already got her.
And I was just really lookingfor that routine, you know, that
routine that I had beenaccustomed to for the last 15
years.
So I just immediately went onthat.
She she checked out, she checkedout about two years into that
(07:43):
relationship, and she startedlining up male orbiters that she
had, you know, around.
And next thing I know, uh at thefour and a half year mark, she's
just pushing me away so much andsort of acting so bad that I
finally was like, okay, uh thisisn't working for me.
We got to break up.
And then I found out inhindsight that she was actually
cheating on me at the end, youknow?
(08:04):
And so that that was in uh 2019,and I found myself back on the
dating circuit again.
This time I was able to getdates really easy because I had
lost all the weight during thatrelationship, but I couldn't
keep women around more than twoor three dates.
And I was like, what am I doingwrong here?
You know, I had this epiphanymoment where I realized I was
(08:24):
the common denominator.
Like the both the biggestrelationships of my adult life
failed.
Uh, now I'm back on the datingcircuit again for the second
time in my adult life, and Idon't know what I'm doing.
Like, I I'm clearly doingsomething wrong.
And so um, one of the blessingsof being the real in the
relationship with Red Pill Chickwas she was really big into
(08:45):
audiobooks.
And so I was like, Well, I betyou there's some some books out
here that I can read or listento that'll help me figure out
what I'm doing wrong.
And so I just did an absolutedeep dive in intersexual
dynamics and psychology.
I read some of these books 25times, just on repeat, trying to
(09:05):
understand what I was doingwrong.
And uh, and then I was takingthat information and applying it
on the in the dating circuit,and I was having lots of success
with it.
And I that brought me into amen's group uh that's no longer
there on Facebook, but this inthis men's community, we were
all studying a book called Howto Be a Three Percent Man by
Corey Wayne, and so what we wereall doing in that group was we
(09:29):
were all going out and datingand then coming back and sharing
our stories of what worked andwhat didn't, sort of swapping
notes and guys saying, Oh, well,try this next time or read this
book.
This book has better, uh, abetter understanding of this
particular scenario kind ofthing.
And so through that experience,I sort of developed my own
style.
And then uh I startedinterviewing guys on that uh
(09:52):
from that group.
And that's where my podcaststarted.
And then I started meeting uhauthors and and and coaches and
and other guys, bigger names inthe space, and eventually got
invited on a panel show onSaturdays with a lot of
prominent people.
Uh, it was called Rule Zero.
And from there I started writingbooks and coaching guys, and it
(10:14):
just sort of blew up from there.
I sort of turned my pain into mypassion, and and here we are
today, and now I have fourbooks.
SPEAKER_00 (10:21):
So yeah.
I mean, yeah, it's good that alot not a not a lot of people
want to take the time to learnabout themselves and figure
what's go figure out what's notworking.
SPEAKER_01 (10:31):
So yeah, well, I mean, I I was I was that guy,
and and a lot of guys uh whenthey go through a breakup or
divorce, they're thinking, um,well, there are a couple of
different scenarios, right?
Like if they absolutely hatedtheir wife or their
ex-girlfriend for whateverreason, they're like, oh, well,
she was clearly the problem.
All I need is another person,and you know, everything is
gonna be hunky dory, but theydon't realize that they're
(10:54):
taking their same badrelationship habits into the
next relationship, and they endup dating the same person with a
different face, you know, andthis the same thing ends up
happening and until you startworking on yourself.
That's the only way you're gonnachange these things, but
everyone wants to point thefinger at everyone else.
SPEAKER_00 (11:14):
Yeah, definitely.
So, what was your well, sincewe're talking about your latest
book, start there, and thenmaybe if you want to talk about
the other ones too.
But what did you what are guyssuffering from when they first
break up?
SPEAKER_01 (11:27):
Yeah, so uh so my latest book, it came out in
June.
It's it's called Forget ThatBitch, A Red Pill Guide to
Breakups.
And what what really inspired meto write this book was I
actually had a couple of uh uhwhat I call 3% brothers um from
that men's group because we wereall studying how to be a 3% man.
(11:48):
So we're all 3% brothers in thatgroup.
And of a good majority of thoseguys found their way into the
space and into that groupbecause they were trying to
reattract an ex.
And they were all, you know,they realized that they messed
something up in theirrelationship and they were
trying to fix it and they weretrying to get her back.
And there was a couple of guys,two specific guys, that I just
(12:12):
remember they wasted years,wasted years just pining over an
ex.
And they would go out dating andthey would have relatively good
success, but they could neverum, they were always comparing
these new women to their exes.
They're never good enough,they're not as good as my ex.
And these guys were just stuckfor years at a time, and it was
heartbreaking to watch, uh,absolutely heartbreaking to
(12:33):
watch.
And in the the red pillcommunity, which is sort of
where um where I come out of uhgetting back together with an ex
is is the worst idea possiblebecause usually your ex has some
kind of preconceived notionabout you, it doesn't matter how
much you're you've changed, theyalways have this idea of who you
(12:53):
really are at heart, and theydon't believe the surface level
changes.
And honestly, most guys are onlydoing these changes just to get
her back, and then they just goback to their their old
programming.
So they're not even really doingit to fix themselves and change
themselves, they're just doingit as a means to an end.
And women aren't stupid, like Isaid before, women can sniff
(13:14):
this out, so it almost alwaysends the same.
She'll she'll test you harder,she's going to just to see if
this new version of you is realor not.
And so it becomes this nightmareand it causes a bunch of fights,
and you end up broken up again.
And so I just I just don't wantto see more guys go through
this.
So when I wrote this book, theway I wrote it was with those
(13:36):
kinds of guys in mind.
Uh, guys that are obsessing overtheir ex, they know they need to
move on, but they're they can'tstop thinking about the ex.
And so the way my book goes, theflow of it is I talk about why
after a breakup, getting backtogether with an ex is a bad
idea.
But you're not gonna listen tome.
You're gonna want to do what theheart wants, right?
(13:56):
So the second chapter is this ishow you get them back.
This is there's a seven-stepprocess for getting an ex back.
Like it's if you go to anybreakup coach, any get your ex
back coach, this is what theyteach you, right?
And so I put it in my book.
This is how you do it.
But then the next chapter afterthat is like, okay, you got her
back, and it ended the same way.
(14:17):
Now it's time to move on, right?
And so the whole next of thebook, next um or rest of the
book rather, is all just abouthow do you actually forget your
ex and get over her and work onyour the your inner game and and
and stuff like that.
And then taking time to heal,because most guys don't do that.
Most guys are trying to fillthat void and try to get back to
(14:40):
some semblance of normalcy, youknow.
So that and that's exactly whatI was doing after my divorce and
and actually after my initialbreakup with Red Pill Chick, I
was just trying to get back tothat normal.
And I didn't realize it howimportant it was to take time to
heal and get used to being onyour own and enjoying your own
company.
(15:00):
And and once you're able to dothat, then you're ready to go
out there and start datingagain.
And so uh, and then in the book,I actually give guys some game,
like how to actually have somesuccess on dating apps and and
find the right women and someactual strategy there that most
guys don't do.
So um I'm I'm hoping that guysread this book and really
(15:24):
fundamentally change how theysee dating and relationships
forever after this, so that theynever actually get to this point
again.
SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
Yeah, yeah, like you said, you're just gonna repeat
the same patterns.
And I they do say at least sixmonths of a break is helpful to
like really figure itself out.
And I know I did that before aswell, and definitely learned a
lot.
SPEAKER_01 (15:43):
Did you find that helpful?
SPEAKER_00 (15:44):
Yeah, definitely.
I mean, I've I met a totallydifferent person after that,
like a different kind of person,you know, and it's just like
much like much better.
Yeah.
Good.
And I learned from starting mypodcast as well, just
interviewing all the people andlearning from each guest, and
yeah, so it actually that's I Idid that for years.
SPEAKER_01 (16:19):
I um when I first started the podcast, I was just
trying to get other authors andstuff in the space, mainly you
know, selfishly, just so I canpick their brain, you know, like
what so what do you think aboutthis?
You know, you know?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:32):
So then have you read sorry, have you read uh
Neil Strauss, The Truth?
SPEAKER_01 (16:36):
I haven't read The Truth, but I've read the game.
SPEAKER_00 (16:38):
Yeah.
So he there's a follow-up to thegame where he, you know, that
was like the pickup artiststuff, followed them around.
Right.
He tried his um you know,alternative lifestyle stuff,
thinking like that's what heneeded to do, and then of
course, full circle back to likebasically learning about himself
and healing and all that stuff.
So it was pretty powerful comingfrom the guy that you know kind
(16:59):
of blew up that whole world orlike in a good way and made it
made it famous.
SPEAKER_01 (17:03):
Well, you know, uh the book The Game, a lot of
people when they read the game,they're reading it for the
pickup artistry and how coolthat is.
But I got something completelydifferent out of that book.
When I read that book, what Iwas finding was that a majority
of those guys, the pickupartists, they were really
looking for a deeper connection.
(17:24):
They they didn't want to justsleep with random girls all the
time.
And but the but those guys, allof their their stuff was all
surface level stuff.
It was all tips and tricks, andthey were doing it, they were
targeting specific women thatthey knew would be more
susceptible to their antics.
So they were looking for youknow party girls uh at the club
(17:46):
with big hoop earrings andwearing provocative clothing and
stuff.
They weren't doing it on justthe average girl at the
supermarket, you know?
Yeah.
And then when they would get inthese relationships, they had no
uh what we call mental frame.
They had they had no um, youknow, sense of purpose.
They had no, it was all it wasall a facade.
(18:06):
Everything that they were doingwas was flash and no substance.
And they couldn't keep thesewomen around, you know, more
than a couple of weekends, andit was crushing them, and
especially uh Mystery.
Mystery, it was like he wasbasically borderline insane half
the time because he was reallypining over the one girl, like
naughty or something.
I can't remember what her namewas.
(18:28):
He was he was just always piningfor this one girl, and I think a
lot of guys read that, they'relike, Well, why is he so upset
by this?
Because you know, he can haveany girl he wants.
It's like, no, but he can't havethat girl, and he's got this
what we call one itis for thisone girl.
And so what I I just I justfound it was uh the my biggest
takeaway was these guys neverdeveloped that inner game that
(18:50):
made them attractive humanbeings, you know, at a deeper
level that women actually wantedto be around for the long term.
SPEAKER_00 (18:57):
Yeah, and it sounds like your book is what covers
that part of it.
Yeah, well, I at least try to,yeah.
Or at least more than the otherone did.
Yeah.
So you want to talk more aboutthe book or talk about some
other books that you wrote, orto how you coach or how to reach
you, whichever one you want togo next.
SPEAKER_01 (19:14):
Oh, no, no, that's good.
Um, well, I could talk about myother books too, real quick.
So the book right before this,so this is a part of a series.
I'm writing a three-book series,and this is book two in the
series.
And the way I'm doing this isit's kind of a uh a which way
guide, right?
So the first book in the seriesis uh this one, which is called
Get Her to Fuck You Again.
(19:36):
And so this is a a red pillguide to fix a dead bedroom.
And uh a lot of people there'sbasically two main avenues guys
find their selves findthemselves in um when they're
when they find their way to thered pill space.
One is they're married and theirtheir wife isn't intimate with
them anymore for whateverreason.
And so they're just googlingonline, like how do I get her to
(19:58):
bang me again, right?
Or whatever.
And so uh that's what this bookis about.
This book is actually abouttrying to fix your marriage
because uh a lot of people justdon't realize the absolute hell
uh and the the meat grinder offamily court is, especially for
men.
It's really unfavorable for men.
And and it's it's interestingbecause people might argue that
(20:20):
the the laws aren't reallywritten against men, they're
written against uh the higherearner, the higher uh the person
who brings in the most money.
Well, the funny thing is that uhwomen women's nature, they have
uh uh their their their primarysexual strategy is what we call
hypergamy.
(20:40):
And and it's not a bad thing.
A lot of people think hypergamyis this evil thing.
It's it's not, it's just it'sjust the way the world works.
But women are typically lookingfor guys that uh can protect and
provide, they make more money.
You know, you you will you willnever see a boss babe, you know,
(21:01):
high high earning uh femaleattorney dating a Starbucks
barista.
Like you'll never see it seethat happen because women are
attracted to guys that are abovethem.
So maybe um, and I say abovethem, like in this case,
monetarily, right?
Yeah, and so so typically womenare are marrying guys that are
that earn more than them.
(21:22):
And so when you apply the lawsto that, the guys get screwed at
you know, a lot of the time.
And so um, what I'm trying to dois try to help guys who didn't
get the memo that maybe marriageisn't the best idea for men, and
they pulled that trigger andthey're in uh the circumstance,
uh a lot of them can turn thisaround.
Like, so so I'm of the mind ofwell, why if you if you can, you
(21:46):
absolutely should try to saveyour marriage.
So this book is all about how toreally reignite that attraction
with your wife again.
Because the reason why she's nothaving sex with you, it's not uh
she's tired all the time, it'snot that she's low libido, it's
not that she's uh you know hashormonal issues.
I mean, it might be part ofthat, but in in reality, if she
(22:10):
truly desired you, she wouldfind a way, you know, to fix it.
She's just not motivated to fixit because she doesn't like you
that much anymore.
So this book will show showsguys how to reestablish their
attractiveness with their wifeagain, you know.
But uh not all not allrelationships can be saved.
So I'm very honest with thereader in that regard, where you
(22:32):
go through all this stuff, youlevel up, you're learning how to
be a better communicator, you'relearning how to handle her her
tests, you're you're learninghow to not get angry at every
little thing and have someemotional control and all this
kind of stuff.
By the end of the book, afteryou've done all this work, you
look at your wife.
A lot of the times, by thistime, um, she's inspired to get
(22:55):
on board and start working onherself and start, you know,
making a change, and theneveryone's happy.
That's when guys turn theirmarriages around, that's what
happens.
But not, but sometimes women arejust so far checked out that
they're not getting on board.
unknown (23:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (23:09):
Well, at that point, you got to realize uh you've
life is too short, and you andthere's no reason to stay in a
marriage that's that's bad foryou.
And now you can be more on theoffensive as opposed to being on
the defensive, and you canactually make this uh you know
divorce happen on your terms onin a in a better situation that
(23:29):
way.
So the second book is for guysthat couldn't turn their
marriage around, right?
So now they're in the nowthey're divorced and now they're
back on the dating circuit anduh now they need to learn how to
move on.
So that's what this book'sabout.
And then I'm currently in theprocess of writing the third
book, which is going to becalled, it's gonna be called
Keep Your Bitch, uh, a red pillguide to relationships.
(23:52):
And that one is gonna be boththose books.
If you were able to turn yourmarriage around in the first
book, that the third book isthis the next book that you're
gonna want to read.
If uh you weren't able to turnit around and you so you've you
read forget that bitch, and nowyou've uh you've met a woman
that you're you've identified asyour contender um for a
(24:13):
long-term relationship, then thethird book's gonna be the next
book for that one too.
And so that one's just all gonnabe about maintaining uh a
healthy relationship and keepingthat attraction going for the
long term.
And that I'm shooting to havethat out by December.
SPEAKER_00 (24:27):
Okay.
And what what can you share somethings that that are in the
third book just as far askeeping like what you just said,
what you're trying to helppeople see?
SPEAKER_01 (24:37):
Honestly, a lot of it is going to be a mix of the
first two books.
Um, because in uh in in Get Herto Fuck You Again, it a lot of
it is how to um set the tone andactually lead the relationship
and and do it from the model ofuh what we call a captain and
(24:59):
first officer dynamic, or I callit a captain and executive
officer dynamic.
And that we found in the spaceafter trading notes with with
guys and and back forums andstuff like that for the last 20
years that that's the mosteffective way to run a
relationship.
And and women tend to be happierin a relationship dynamic like
that.
And so uh a lot of it is justmore of that type of uh how do
(25:23):
how to do that, how to how totake her on dates, how to um how
to flirt with her and and how tojust keep that fun and uh
excitement alive going long termand how to avoid complacency the
most.
SPEAKER_00 (25:35):
Yeah.
I how would you say is best fora woman to approach, I mean, I
don't you're you usually talkabout the opposite where the
woman doesn't want to have sex,but what if a how would a man
want a woman to approach forsex?
SPEAKER_01 (25:50):
Well, that's that's one thing that I I talk about a
lot because a guy it a woman cando whatever she wants, she can
she can approach however shewants, and a guy will be cool
with it, he would just be happythat she's up she's approaching.
So I think a lot of women get intheir head about that sort of
thing, because that's not it'snot natural to them to to be the
initiators.
Like that when it comes todating, it's women aren't out
(26:12):
there shooting their shot allthe time, they're out there sort
of like, Oh, I hope this guynotices me.
And so they sort of putthemselves in their the guy's
vicinity hoping that he'll saysomething, right?
That's that's girl game, youknow.
But but and guys are clueless tothat sort of thing.
So um for women, I would say youcan you can initiate however,
(26:32):
however, um it's gonna be welltaken 99.9% of the time.
Uh for guys, um, what I tellthem, because a lot of guys,
what they'll do is they'll getin their head of I want her to
initiate more.
And so they they think if I stopinitiating, she's going to
initiate more.
And that's not what happens.
(26:53):
Like it what happens is sex justdries up, it just stops
happening.
And so what I tell guys is like,look, it's just not, it's just
not in your wife's nature toinitiate all the time.
So if you want more sex, likeyou need to initiate more.
You need to be the one that'sseducing her, you need to be the
one that's doing uh what do wecall kino escalation throughout
the day.
(27:13):
And don't just wait untilbedtime and go, okay, well, now
it's 10 o'clock, it's sexy time,because women can't just flip it
on like a like a like a lightswitch, like men can.
Um, you have to sort of primethe pump throughout the day, get
her in the mood first.
And so that's what I I teachguys how to do that um in the
book, so that by the time it isbedtime, she's just as ready for
(27:36):
it as you are, you know.
And I'm like, if you do thatenough, she's going to initiate
plenty.
You don't have to worry aboutit.
SPEAKER_00 (27:43):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
Do you want to talk about yourpodcast or how people can work
with you as a coach?
SPEAKER_01 (27:51):
Yeah, well, yeah, we can do that.
So um, if you want to check outmy podcast, uh, it's best to
just go to comeonmanpod.com,www.comonmanpod.com.
That will uh take you to my mygumroad page where I have um I
have free ebooks there that youcan download.
Um, one for if you're in a deadbedroom situation, one if you're
(28:12):
in a breakup situation.
They're both free.
Uh one's called She's Made YouWeak, and the other one's called
Um Fine, Here's How You Get HerBack.
Actually, um break down theseven-step process to get your
ex back in that one for the guysin a breakup.
Uh, you can you can hire me fromcoaching there, and then you can
also check out my podcast.
I have new episodes everyMonday, Wednesday, and Friday on
(28:33):
all the major podcast platforms,and the show is called the Come
On Man Podcast.
SPEAKER_00 (28:39):
Okay.
And do you have any like finaltakeaways you want the listeners
to get from what you've shared?
SPEAKER_01 (28:46):
I would say the biggest thing that I would teach
guys um when it comes to when itcomes to a breakup is you need
to reevaluate whether you wantto get your ex back and start
focusing more on gettingyourself back.
(29:07):
I think that's the biggesttakeaway I'd want guys uh to get
from this episode.
SPEAKER_00 (29:12):
Okay.
Well, thank you very much forbeing on.
Good information, of course.
And yeah, I know the titlesmight offend some women or some
people, but like you said, yougotta be catchy to it's not
written for women.
SPEAKER_01 (29:24):
So but uh but I'll tell you what, if you if you
have a lot of female listeners,um, a lot of women do have
brothers out there, they haveuncles, they have fathers that
go through this sort of thingand they can see it.
Like women, women sort of cansniff out the badness in other
women better than men can,right?
And so a lot of women will see aguy just pining over over their
(29:46):
ex, and she'll be like, Man, youjust need to move on.
You just need to move on.
And so if if if that's uh awoman in your audience and she's
got a a guy friend or a brotheror something like that, like
recommend this book for himbecause that will help him
through, I think, more thananything.
SPEAKER_00 (30:03):
Yeah, yeah.
Hearing it from someone neutraltoo.
But yeah, books definitely dothat.
All right.
Well, thank you very much forbeing on.
And if you love this episode, besure to tell your friends about
it and rate it as well.
And thank you again, Paul, forbeing on.
SPEAKER_01 (30:15):
Thanks, Tamara.
I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:17):
Alright, and don't forget to check out his site
website.
Alright.
Thanks everyone.
SPEAKER_01 (30:22):
Frank Talk! Frank Talk! Sex and dating educates!
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