#109 What Are You Doing Wrong in the Bedroom?

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Hello, Tamra here.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Skyblue Kutchy,a certified relationship,
intimacy, and sex therapist, andwe'll be talking about life
being too short for bad sex.
Thanks for joining me, Sky Blue.

SPEAKER_00 (00:19):
Thank you.
Good to be here.
Thanks for having me.

SPEAKER_01 (00:23):
Yes, great topics as usual.
I mean, anytime we talk aboutsex that are popular, but we're
also talking about how to nothave bad sex, so it's even
better.

SPEAKER_00 (00:33):
Yeah, it's an exciting topic.

SPEAKER_01 (00:35):
Yeah.
So what got you into it?
And then a little bit aboutthat, and then we can get
started on what you're have toshare.

SPEAKER_00 (00:43):
Sure.
Um honestly, I I've always justbeen really passionate about the
topic of human sexuality.
And I was in university um and Itook a psychosexuality course
for the first time, and it wasjust really exciting, and I

(01:04):
loved it, and I was like, oh mygosh, I need more of this in my
life.
And so I just kept taking likesexuality courses when I could,
and then I uh realized I wantedto be a therapist.
And when I get got into gradschool, I realized I could be a
sex therapist, and I was like,oh my gosh, this is perfect,
it's the perfect combo.

SPEAKER_01 (01:26):
Yeah, and as a sex therapist, now what what are
some of the biggest complaintslike with between couples?

SPEAKER_00 (01:33):
Do you do you coach couples or or um individuals or
I do couples and individuals,and I'd say for couples, some of
the biggest complaints, ofcourse, are we want to have more
sex, we want to have better sex,or one person wants this kind of
sex, but the other persondoesn't want that kind of sex.

(01:54):
Um, or like people come in inconflict, like there's been uh
infidelity or something likethat is common.

SPEAKER_01 (02:04):
Yeah, that makes sense.
Those are the things you hearpeople talking about.
And is there like a philosophyyou take, or you just do
individual, like as it comes?
I mean, obviously you're trainedin this stuff, but is there a
certain lens you use to um helppeople?

SPEAKER_00 (02:21):
Yeah, there are.
Um, so when you become atherapist, like there's so many
lenses you can work through, andI'm pretty eclectic, which means
I have a couple favorites that Iuse often.
Um it's called person-centeredis one and the developmental
model is the other.

(02:41):
But I also like pull from abunch of other ones if if in the
moment I'm like, oh, thisparticular strategy would be
really good for this person,I'll kind of pull that in.
So I'm a little bit eclectic.

SPEAKER_01 (02:55):
Yeah, it makes sense.
I mean, do it what's needed foreach person.

SPEAKER_00 (03:00):
Exactly.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (03:01):
Yeah.
All right.
So um let's start with I guessuh individuals first.
Like we talked about having badsex.
Like, is there what can peoplewho feel like they're having bad
sex like individually, what canthey do for themselves if if
it's not as good as they wouldlike, or they can't ask for what
they want.

SPEAKER_00 (03:19):
Yeah, I think it depends on what the problem is.
So, like your example was Idon't know how to ask for what I
want.
Um, and I think that a lot ofwomen struggle with this, and
for various reasons, right?
Like women aren't encouraged asmuch as men to get in touch with

(03:40):
what feels good to them and howto ask for those things.
Because as women, we get uh weget like what's the word?
Like people kind of call us badnames if we know what we want in
bed.
Double standard, the doublestandard.
So women often feel superdetached from what they want in

(04:03):
bed.
So if that were the issue, Iwould recommend starting to ask
yourself, like, what do I wantoutside of the bedroom first?
So, like in your day-to-daylife, are you in touch with what
feels good to you in your body?
So, for example, if like sippingyour first cup of coffee or tea

(04:24):
in the morning, are you reallysoaking up like how good that
feels?
Like the taste, the smell, likeif it just excites you in the
morning, like those are allthings you could be absorbing
and sitting with.
So starting outside of thebedroom is really important,
like getting in touch with whatdo you want and what feels good

(04:45):
to you on a daily basis, andthen you can take that into the
bedroom, and then ask yourself,like, what do I want in the
bedroom?
How do I want to be touched?
How do I want to like do I likedirty talk or not?
Do I want to try this new thingor not?
Like, I call it the what do Iwant muscle?

(05:07):
So you gotta work it out, andit's like you're going to the
gym for your what do I wantmuscle, and you work it outside
of the bedroom, and when it getscomfortable, you bring that into
the bedroom, and it's similar,but it's like less intimidating
if you do it in that way.

SPEAKER_01 (05:26):
Yeah, yeah, I can see that.
And are you familiar with OMGS?
Yeah.
There's the website that becauseI've seen a few um a few videos
lately where people talk aboutlike you know how they learned,
like one woman in particular,she was mentioning that she
would wanted her boyfriend totouch her like a certain way
more often, but he wasn't shefelt she didn't know how to say

(05:47):
it, so she just started liketouching herself the way she
liked as they were gettingundressed, or so he could see
it, you know, without sayinganything.
And she that was her approach tolike do it.
I don't know, it seems like agood thing.
Would you agree?

SPEAKER_00 (06:01):
Totally.
You can yeah, you can use yourwords, but you can also show
someone like this is how I likeit.
And first you got to practicewith yourself, right?
To be able to show somebody.
So, like, what do I want muscle?
Could be I'm gonna tell you orI'm gonna show you, but first
you have to work it out on yourown.

SPEAKER_01 (06:22):
Yeah, yeah.
I I've for masturbation for somereason I've always done it the
same way, like on my back doingthe and apparently a lot of
people do it like on theirstomach, which I didn't didn't
even consider as a thing, andall kinds of like different
techniques.
So yeah, like I know OMGS doesthat as well, like shares that
kind of stuff, but that's areally good resource, yeah.

(06:45):
And I know um so like when itcomes to masturbation and help
figuring out what you like, arethere is there a way to do it,
or just like you said, just trystuff and or like as a sex
therapist, is there's like acertain area that you know you
should focus on?

SPEAKER_00 (07:00):
And um, are you do you mean specifically for women?

SPEAKER_01 (07:05):
Yeah, I guess for this answer.
I think most men seem to dothat, like you said.

SPEAKER_00 (07:10):
I think um just exploring touch and like
figuring out what feels good toyou and where, and it doesn't
just have to be like on yourgenitals, it could be anywhere
on your body because for women,like for people, but especially
women, we really gotta feelturned on in our brain first and

(07:32):
like open and willing forintimacy and sex.
Um, and for most women, goingdirectly to the genitals, like
from zero to genital, is canfeel like too much or
overwhelming or like it's noteven pleasurable yet because
your brain is not on board.
So kind of exploring likedifferent parts of your body.

(07:56):
Um, you could like start in theshower, for example, and get
relaxed, put on some music, um,touch your body in different
places in different ways, andit's really just about
exploration and what feels goodto you.

SPEAKER_01 (08:13):
Yeah, I was saying you could also start ahead of
time if you know you're going tobe having sex, get yourself
revved up in time.
I don't know if that's somethingyou recommend, but I I could see
where that would be helpful.

SPEAKER_00 (08:24):
I do recommend it.
Yeah, there's actually, youknow, if you want to know,
there's two types of desire.
Um, do you want to hear aboutthat?
Yeah, yeah.
So the first type of desire iscalled spontaneous desire.
And all people experience it,but mostly men and male-bodied

(08:47):
people.
So I it's like a lighter.
If you like flick on a lighter,so the brain is the thing that
gets turned on first, and forspontaneous desire, if the brain
sees, hears, smells, tastes, ortouches something that feels
good, then the brain will belike, ooh, I like that, I want

(09:08):
more of that.
That feels sexy, I'm into it,and it's kind of spontaneous.
There's another kind calledresponsive desire, and it's not
like a lighter, it's more like acampfire.
So you gotta get the littlekindling and the grass, and the
smoke is going, and then thelittle sticks, and then the

(09:30):
flame grows and grows, and so itit takes a little bit more time.
So that's like you know, in themorning I'm listening to sexy
music, and then in the afternoonI'm um like dancing in the
kitchen, and then I putsomething sexy on my body, you
know, that that makes me feelsexy, like silky clothes, for

(09:51):
example.
So you're kind of reving yourengine, and it takes a little
bit longer, but your brainstarts to respond, and your
brain is like, Oh, okay, now Ikind of like this.
Now this feels nice to me.
So it takes a little bit longerto get in the mood, but there's
nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_01 (10:10):
Yeah, and I think I I read where you recommend um
stop waiting to be in the mood,like cultivating desire is like
one of the topics you mentioned.
So, like, is that pretty muchwhat you're saying?

SPEAKER_00 (10:22):
Like, that's what I'm saying.
It's gotta be more intentional.
Um, there's kind of a myth thatlike the best sex is spontaneous

(10:47):
sex, and I would say that's nottrue.
Because if you think about whenso let let's say we're talking
to people who are in long-termrelationships.
If you remember when you firstgot together, when you were
dating, like you probably knewyou were gonna go on a date,
like in a day or two or in aweek, and you were preparing for

(11:11):
that in some way.
You were getting waxed,bottomized dress, um, you were
thinking about how you weregonna do your makeup.
You were, oh, you want to shave,oh, you want to make sure you
smell nice, like you're doingall these like things to prepare
to be close to this person, tomaybe have sex with this person.
Um, so it's not like boom,spontaneous out of nowhere,

(11:35):
right?
So when we're in long-termrelationships, we can do the
same thing.
Uh, and it just kind of feels alittle bit different because we
we're not new in therelationship anymore.

SPEAKER_01 (11:51):
Yeah, but still treating it like date night and
getting all fancied up.

SPEAKER_00 (11:58):
Exactly, still getting in the mood.

SPEAKER_01 (12:00):
Yeah.
And I know you talk aboutpleasure without pressure.
Is that you wanna go there?
Would that be helpful at this?

SPEAKER_00 (12:10):
Yeah, for sure.
So what I mean by that is I heara lot of women say they feel
pressured when it comes to sexin their relationship.
And what I see in my practicewith clients, um, coaching
clients, is that there's there'sdifferent scenarios, but if uh

(12:35):
I'm gonna just say, like, we'rewe're talking about a man and a
woman, and the man he might wantmore sex than she does, and when
he approaches her and she sayslike no, not right now, and if
he has some sort of negativereaction, like uh, you always
say no, or he gets upset, or hethrows a a tantrum is what I

(12:58):
call it, that's going to feellike pressure to the partner
who's saying no.
Um, so that's one form ofpressure.
Or if the person who's like, Iwanna, I'm gonna make something
up, I really want to do oral sextonight, and your partner's
like, I don't really feel likeit, I'm not up for that, and

(13:20):
you're like, Oh, I you shouldwant this because it makes me
happy and you should just do it.
That type of thing is alsopressure.
Yeah, and the problem with thatis that when a person feels
pressured around sex, it's gonnaclose the door to sex and
intimacy.
So it actually totally goesagainst what you want.

(13:41):
Like if you want more sex andintimacy, you do not want to put
pressure on your partner at all.
It's gonna get in your way ofmore sex and intimacy.
So, sex without pressure isreally, really important uh for
everybody.
It makes sex so much better.
So there's like various waysthat you can make sex like

(14:06):
non-pressure.
Um, so one way is not do thethings that I described.
So if someone says, no, nottonight, or I don't want the
same thing you do, you need toaccept that with grace and be
like in internally be like, oh,I feel sad or disappointed, but
that's okay.
I'm gonna go take care ofmyself.

(14:28):
Like, I'm gonna like I'm gonnago exercise, or maybe I'm gonna
go self-pleasure or masturbate,or I'm gonna go see some
friends, like go take care ofyourself, but don't let those
uncomfortable feelings come outon your partner in a negative
way.
So that's one way, yeah.
That makes sense, and then otherways are um like if your partner

(14:54):
says, No, I don't want oral sextonight, that doesn't mean that
it's just a no we can't connect.
It just means, okay, well, whatwould you feel up for?
What would feel good for you?
It's and you just keep talkingabout it, right?
It you don't have to get allpissed off or upset or feel

(15:14):
rejected.
You can just keep talking likeit's totally fine that your
partner doesn't want the samething you do.
That's another great way to takethe pressure off.

SPEAKER_01 (15:25):
Yeah, and then what about the pressure to like have
an orgasm, like having that bethe goal?
Is that part of the thatdiscussion?

SPEAKER_00 (15:32):
Yeah, I love that you brought that up.
Absolutely.
So sex that has some sort ofgoal in mind, which most of the
time is having an orgasm orhaving penetrative sex, most
people are like, that's thegoal, and we're rushing to those
goals.
That puts pressure on peoplebecause they feel like they have

(15:53):
to meet this expectation, theyget in their heads, and they
like it does all sorts ofunhelpful things to the body
when we get into that mode.
So taking the pressure off oforgasms, like you may or may not
have an orgasm, and that'stotally fine.
That's not a problem.

(16:14):
Orgasms are great, but the pointof sex really should be about
connection and pleasure.
Connection and pleasure, notorgasms and penetration.
So if you don't have an orgasm,no big deal.
We still had a great timeconnecting.
I still felt really close toyou.

(16:34):
I love that.
Or penetration didn't happen,that's totally fine.
There's so much more fun stuffwe can do together.
Um, and for a lot of women,penetration isn't super
pleasurable on its own.
So, like, uh there's so manyother things that might even
feel better for her.

SPEAKER_01 (16:54):
Yeah, or at least focusing on the other parts
while you're having penetratedsex.

SPEAKER_00 (16:59):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (16:59):
Meaning, meaning the clitoris.

SPEAKER_00 (17:01):
Yes, that is that is one way.

SPEAKER_01 (17:04):
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
All right.
What are some other complaintslike on either side?

SPEAKER_00 (17:12):
Like, usually what I see is like men are saying, I
want more sex and intimacy, andshe's saying, But I want more
emotional connection.
That seems to be a really commondynamic.

SPEAKER_01 (17:24):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (17:24):
Um, and people really butt heads over this.
So what I try to help folks dois like um cultivate the
emotional connection, you know.
Like, are you going on dates?
Are you spending time togetherwhere you're not fighting?
Are you um spending time withoutthe kids?

(17:47):
Like, are you spending thatconnective time together and
really seeing each other,hearing each other's emotions,
asking each other how's how yourday is going?
Because for most people, ifthat's absent, like how can you
expect another person to belike, yeah, now I want to have

(18:08):
sex with you?
Like, because that's even morevulnerable, you know?
So I think that this is such akey piece that folks need to
work on, like just being friendsand having a good time together
and like seeing each other andhaving some fun.

SPEAKER_01 (18:28):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (18:28):
Because if things are like serious and not fun, or
there's a lot of friction allthe time, how can you expect sex
to happen?
Like, sex is supposed to be fun,pressure-free, like a way to
just feel good.
So these two things are very,very connected.

(18:50):
Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_01 (18:52):
Yeah, oh, definitely.
I mean, and especially like yousaid, most women need that, and
that's like their biggest thingis they want to feel seen and
heard, and if they're not,they're not gonna be able to do
it.
And then for men, they wantrespect in, you know, if if
they've perceived their theirsignificant other as nagging and
like you know, not listening tothem or whatever.

(19:12):
It's like a whole I mean, I justthat's the biggest thing to me,
is just that men and women areso different, and we they don't
people don't understand thatabout each other.
We're just a lot of women thinkthey're just misbehaving, um,
misbehaving women instead ofmen.
You know, we're just sodifferent the way outlooks and
the way our brains are, the waywe think about everything and

(19:33):
focused on.
And I just think if if weunderstood the opposite sex, we
would everyone would be a lotbetter off.
Especially in sex too.
And I know I see that you talkabout a pleasure first approach.
Is that especially when life isbusy?
Is that kind of like you weresaying with the date nights, or

(19:53):
is there more to it?

SPEAKER_00 (19:54):
Or yeah, I think that pleasure first means um,
you know, are you focusing onyour pleasure every day?
Like what feels good to you inyour body, in your mind, your
spirit?
Um are you, you know, are youtaking 30 seconds to stand in

(20:15):
the sun and feel it on your faceand like really soaking that up?
Are you taking a moment to likeuh like listen to music that
makes you feel really happy inthe morning?
That's something that I do.
I do that every day.
Um, and I do it for my pleasure.
And so you gotta start there,number one.

(20:38):
But then also when it comes tosex and intimacy, like sex is
about pleasure and connection.
So sex can mean anything youwant as long as it feels
pleasurable, right?
So is the touch feelingpleasurable?
Is the connection pleasurable?

(20:58):
Uh, and if it's not, don't keepdoing the thing that doesn't
feel pleasurable.
And it's okay to say, I want toswitch it up, or no, I don't
want this anymore, or no, Idon't want that at all, because
it doesn't feel pleasurable toyou.
That's totally fine.

SPEAKER_01 (21:16):
Yeah, and usually both partners would want to
please their partner, and theyjust and if they think they're
doing it but they're not, andyou're not saying anything,
obviously, like you just said,they're not gonna know to not do
it.

SPEAKER_00 (21:28):
So totally.
I think the underlying currentis like communicate.
We gotta talk about this stuff.

SPEAKER_01 (21:37):
Yeah.
On that note, do you want tocommunicate how people can reach
you or work with you or likeyour whatever your website and
just any information how theycan yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 (21:48):
So my coaching business is called Intimacy with
Blue, and that's B L U, Intimacywith Blue.
I have a website.
Um, I also have a free communityfor women on Facebook called
Thriving Women in Relationships.
Um, and if you're in WashingtonState and you want to do some

(22:09):
sex therapy, I have sky bluetherapy in Washington State.

SPEAKER_01 (22:15):
Okay, very cool.
And then are there any like kindof parting thoughts, um, final
comments you just want to takeaway for the people listening to
get?

SPEAKER_00 (22:26):
Sure.
Um, I would say, you know, focuson your pleasure every day.
That's super important.
Fill up your own cup so thatwhen it comes to sex and
intimacy, like you have moreenergy to exchange with another
person, and it doesn't feel likeyou're giving it away.
Right?
Because you're constantlyfilling up your own cup, that's

(22:48):
your number one step.

SPEAKER_01 (22:51):
Okay, awesome.
Alrighty.
Well, thank you very much.
Good stuff to know.
Thank you.
Yeah, and um, if you love thisepisode, be sure to tell your
friends about it and rate it aswell.
But thank you again for joiningme, Sky Blue.
Thank you very much.
Bye.
Alrighty, bye everyone.
Thanks.
Frank Dog! Frank Doc!

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#109 What Are You Doing Wrong in the Bedroom?

Stuff You Should Know