#113 Love Is Harder Than Parking In LA

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
Podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Hello, it's Tamara here.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Anna Yu, formereducator, two-time pageant
winner, and podcast host.
And we'll be talking about thedifferent perspectives men and
women have when it comes todating and why it has become so

(00:20):
difficult to find a good person,let alone the right one.
Thanks for joining me, Anna.

SPEAKER_01 (00:25):
Hello.

SPEAKER_00 (00:27):
Hi.
Yeah, I think we've have similarthoughts that men and women are
very different.
And what is your take on whyit's so hard to date?
And I know you're from LA, soyou can talk about that as well.
But just um, or we can evenstart with how you got into
having a podcast, which whereveryou want to start.

SPEAKER_01 (00:45):
So originally um I got into starting my podcast
through journaling, and um Iwent on some pretty strange
dates, and um I started writingdown like the problems I've had
on these dates.
And then I thought, okay, Imight not be the only one having

(01:08):
these issues.
And so I started talking to someof my friends about the problems
I was having.
And then I also thought about,well, why don't we have like a
support system or like a groupfor people to talk about these
problems?
But then, like, you know how umthere's like mental health
awareness groups and things likethat where people talk about

(01:28):
like personal problems.
But um I also kind of thoughtabout how um there could be a
situation where like people kindof like still steal each other's
partners and stuff, and maybethat's the reason why like
people don't start these groups.
But at the same time, it's kindof like maybe people do have

(01:51):
like trust issues, but at thesame time, like I kind of wanted
to see like um what the problemreally was um on why people
don't support each other as muchwhen it comes to dating and the
dating culture in LA and why itwas so bad, or why everyone says
it's so bad, and so that's kindof um how it started.

(02:15):
And the funny thing is that um Imyself actually am dating, um,
and I met my partner um when Istarted my podcast, and um I
didn't know he was a podcaster,yeah.
So um I went to an event and umI was like, oh um, I heard that

(02:42):
um someone here has like acamera that I kind of wanted to
ask some questions about, and umthey had all of the answers and
things like that.
So they were kind of explainingto me like step by step on like
kind of like how to become abetter podcaster.

(03:03):
So like it was like, okay, well,like you can help me, you know.

SPEAKER_00 (03:08):
So yeah, and then you dated as well, or together
now, yeah.
Yeah, it's a good good story,good to meet cute, they call
them, right?
Yeah, so as in your findings ofall the bad dating, what did you
end up being true?
Like that's pretty much whateveryone says.
And did you find out why, orsome kind of the root causes?

SPEAKER_01 (03:29):
Yeah, so some of the root causes I think is that um I
feel like um, like I said,people don't really trust each
other, like, and also um itcould be because of like
childhood traumas and stuff.
Um, a lot of times I feel likeum there's like unresolved

(03:50):
childhood traumas that peoplejust don't really want to talk
about.
Um, or like even if like peopledo want to get um vulnerable,
like one person isn't ready tobe vulnerable yet.
And um sometimes that's justhard for both partners.
Um and I think that like there'slike a specific time where um it

(04:16):
most of the time like it worksif the guy is ready to like be
in a relationship.
Like if he if he's persistentand he's kind of like okay, like
um, even if like you don't wantto be in this relationship, I
still want to be in thisrelationship, then it's gonna
work out, you know.

SPEAKER_00 (04:36):
Yeah, yeah, they definitely say that like women
women dictate whether or notyou're gonna have sex, and men
dictate whether or not you'regonna have a relationship.
Because it's like, you know, youyeah, women want usually want
relationships, but it's the menthat usually don't.
So yeah, if you find the rareguy that wants a relationship,
you're good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And in the in this your researchor talking to everyone, what did

(04:58):
you find was it mostly centeredon men and women, like trying to
figure each other out?
Is that what you say is part ofthe issue as well?

SPEAKER_01 (05:06):
Yeah, I think like a lot of times um it's kind of
like um even like the mostindependent women, like I could
kind of feel that like theystill want to be in a
relationship, you know, likeit's it's just like um they talk
about like all of the successesthat that they've had and like

(05:30):
what they're going towards andlike all of the goals that they
have for their future.
But at the end of the day, likewhen I ask them about like, oh,
so like um how has your datinglife in LA been?
Like, then they start talkingabout like oh this like the
struggles that they've had, andlike, you know, I'd rather be

(05:52):
independent.
Um, but you could still kind offeel it, you know, that they
would, I mean, if they had achoice, they would prefer to be
in a relationship, but it's notreally the choice that they have
at the moment, you know.

SPEAKER_00 (06:10):
So yeah.
Yeah, I've heard that about LAwhere it's just um well,
everyone doesn't get marriedtill much later.
Like, I mean that's everywherenowadays, but you know,
everyone's just having such somuch to do, and so you know, the
culture and the I don't knowthat I don't even know what to
call it.
You could probably describe itbetter, but just like somewhat

(06:32):
superficial to some people,yeah.
Like more of the the looks andsuperficial stuff that seems to
be more of the important stuffto people there, unless that's
just a stereotype, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (06:45):
I mean, like I I feel like um it's just like if
you meet the right person, thenlike everything just works out.
Like the the really strangething is that me and my current
partner, um, we had a lot ofmutual friends.
Um, even though like I I did notknow who he was like in the

(07:07):
beginning, like I knew hisbusiness partner, and um like I
like I knew a lot of his mutualfriends, it was so weird.
Um and I like we ran into um oneof his um cousins at downtown
Disney, and he hadn't seen hiscousin in like almost like 10

(07:30):
years.
So it it was very strange.

SPEAKER_00 (07:34):
Yeah.
Yeah, they definitely I meanI've heard of stories like that
where like you said, you youcould have you probably would
have run into each other at somepoint, but you like the one you
met, because I've there was acouple that I've met that I knew
before they met, they were bothinvited to the same wedding.
Like had they not met where theydid, they would have gone to
this been at the same wedding toyou know, like months later if
they hadn't already met.

(07:55):
So, you know, stuff like that,where just it seems like people
are supposed to meet each other.
But for the rest of the peoplethat that's not happening to are
there like what have have youcome up with solutions of how
people can improve it or like orwas is it more of just
discovering the problems?

SPEAKER_01 (08:30):
I feel like um I don't really have like a
solution for everybody else, youknow, because like the
journaling and all of the innerwork that I did, it was for
myself.
And um like I was trying tofigure out like how I could make
myself better.
Um, but I think that foreverybody else, like if you

(08:54):
know, they also like write downwhat has been going on in my
life and like how could I makemy life better?
Or like, are there certainproblems that are not being
fixed?
Um maybe there's a solution tothat.
Because ultimately, like umcreating a podcast was trying to

(09:15):
create a solution for theproblem I was having, because I
was trying to um create acommunity and create a voice or
some kind of solution or somekind of community for the
problem that was happening inLA, because um, like I wanted
people to come and try to voicewhat the issue was um and try to

(09:38):
create a solution for that.

SPEAKER_00 (09:41):
Yeah, and do you want to talk about that now,
like your podcast and how theycan reach you and see what
you're working on?

SPEAKER_01 (09:47):
Yeah, so what we're working on um is a podcast
called It Starts With You.
And here is our um little flyerum and our um it's it starts
with you.
At it starts with you.
And um, so it starts with youpodcast with NIU is for

(10:09):
ambitious people who knowsuccess isn't just about the
hustle, it's about the lifestylefrom the latest in luxury
fashion and entertainment toreal talk on wellness, personal
growth, and life, living life'slife on your terms.
We're here to elevate every partof your journey.
So basically, we kind of likebroadened it a little bit out to

(10:30):
um talking more um about likeentertainment and um lifestyle
and other things as well,because um keeping the topic
just on relationships um couldbe a little bit too niche for
some people.
So we um on the flyer we put itput more topics to discuss.

SPEAKER_00 (10:56):
Um but yeah, so basically.
And are is it out now or you'relike still creating it or oh
yeah, yeah.
We're on Apple and Spotify.
Okay.
And how many are you on acertain how many episodes are
you doing, or is it weekly oruh?
It's like we do two episodes umevery week.

(11:19):
Yeah, that's awesome.
Congratulations on starting thepodcast.
And at least your niche is morejust the LA people because
everyone in LA gets it.
So I'm sure that would be likecool to find that, yeah.
And it obviously can affect it,can uh I'm in the DC area, so
Virginia.
Oh wow, yeah, East Coast.
All right, so I know we talkedabout the differences between

(11:40):
men and women.
Is there any what kind of workis needed from both men and
women?
Would you say like I'm guessingmore of what you did, like
figuring out where where you'reat, but is there any specific
for men versus women the workthey can do?

SPEAKER_01 (11:52):
Or I think um for men, it's just more like um the
mindset of like I want to be ina relationship.
Um and of course, like maybelike helping out around the
house and things like that, itlike doing things like that will

(12:12):
actually like physically helpthe woman, obviously.
But just having a mindset of Iwant to be in a relationship,
um, like that is like theultimate like thing that
actually keeps the relationshiptogether, I think.
Because I've had um I've been inrelationships where the guy had

(12:34):
a mindset where like I don'tneed to be in a relationship,
like I can be in an openrelationship if I want.
And I think that was theultimate relationship killer
because um, like if the guydoesn't think that they're in a
committed relationship, um, whenthey're sleeping with you, and

(12:57):
it's then it's just kind of likedownhill from there, you know.
Like, what am I doing with him?
You know, is like kind of thequestion.

SPEAKER_00 (13:07):
Yeah.
Yeah, and like we talked aboutearlier, it's not necessarily as
common, but they probably dowant one deep down.
They're just not maybe admittingit.
So maybe if they admit it tothemselves, then they'll be more
open.
And then like you said, if tohelp having the right person
helps for sure.
Yeah, and then what about women?
What do what kind of work dothey do?

(13:27):
What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 (13:28):
I think um for women, like um like feeling that
um safetiness or like feelingsafe, um, or being able to feel
safe around the guy um reallyhelps because like for me, like

(13:53):
being a place where um I canfeel feminine and be um kind of
be vulnerable, um like helps umkeep the relationship alive.
I think.

(14:15):
Um because like I I feel like ifI'm not able to bring out like
the um yourself um on like themore feminine side, then um then
he's not gonna be able to be amasculine guy in the

(14:35):
relationship.

SPEAKER_00 (14:36):
Yeah.
So yeah, I definitely agree withthat.
And then I was gonna say umLogan Uri, she is like the kind
of matchmaking expert for Hinge.
She says, like, after a date,like you're talking about
feeling safe, she says youshould ask yourself eight
questions after a date to seelike how did he make you feel,
and like different questionslike that.

(14:57):
So you like like immediatelyafter each date, kind of like
either write it down, that's thebest way, so you can see how you
feel, and then that helps yousee red flags a little more
clearly rather than give someonethe benefit of the doubt that
you probably shouldn't.
And I wish I had all eightquestions, that would be better,
but at least check her out,Logan Erie.
She has a newsletter, which ispretty good.
And she just um was on MichelleObama's podcast, and she was in

(15:21):
a TV, a Netflix show, actually.
She was a in a dating one of thea host for a dating show.
It was like older older peopleon Netflix.
I can't remember the name ofthat.
That would be helpful too.
But so yeah, so how like isthere have you seen hope since
you started this podcast andstarted this effort to for the

(15:43):
culture in LA at all?

SPEAKER_01 (15:45):
Or like simple Yeah, actually, like I think people
are actually kind of likethinking about like um what the
dating scene is actually likebecause I um when they come on
the podcast, they want to talkabout it, they want to um
express how they feel about it.
Um, and I think this is kind oflike a common feeling um of how

(16:13):
people in LA feel, like ingeneral.
Um, and I think that likesometimes like both men and
women, and this is this is justkind of like a common thing here
in LA, um, they're not able toexpress some of these thoughts
to their friends, you know?

(16:33):
And so I think that that has ahuge um impact on like some of
the things um they say on thepodcast and also um like how
they express it.
Like sometimes like they come tothe podcast and they say, Oh, I
wasn't gonna say that, or likeum, I shouldn't have said that,

(16:54):
you know.
And I'm like, Well, I mean,that's fine, you know, that's
totally fine, you know.

SPEAKER_00 (17:00):
Yeah, right.
So yeah, unless they just doanonymous or something.
I've had a few people changetheir name, so or just not have
a name or have a different firstname for that reason.
But yeah.
And then I know you talk aboutdating now versus in the past,
like how would you say that'sbeen different?

SPEAKER_01 (17:17):
Or I think um in the past, like I really um I kind of
considered appearance a lot, andalso um like I also thought

(17:39):
about like how smart like if aguy was really smart, then like
he could make a lot of money,right?
Like that was just how Ithought.
But um I also kind of consideredlike um, well, I mean, I didn't
consider that if he was reallysmart, then he could also

(18:03):
manipulate me, you know.
Um, because it's easier for guyswho are like, you know, who have
like IQ points like 10 or 20levels higher than you to like
manipulate you, right?
So yeah, I I just didn't thinkabout that part.
But now like I I do kind ofconsider um those points too.

(18:28):
Like I do think um personalityis a little bit more um like
important than appearances.
I mean, I'm not sayingappearances are aren't
important, it's just that I feellike um I want to be treated
well, you know, um for long-termrelationships.

(18:52):
Um I I feel like I deserve it,you know.
Um, especially if I'm going tocommit this to this person.
Um and also like I also considerlike my parents into the factor

(19:15):
as well.
Um I think about like um I don'twant um to keep having my
parents to see um me in brokenrelationships.

SPEAKER_00 (19:31):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (19:32):
Because like, yeah, like they're they've been
married for like such a longtime, and like I keep showing
them that I'm I had been in, youknow, all of these
relationships, and um like I wasactually engaged once, but like
it it was just like toxic maybeor just not healthy, yeah.

(19:58):
It was just not you know, it waslike a high school romance
engagement thing, and so like umyeah, I I just kind of factor my
parents into that now too.
Like I just kind of want um toshow them like a long-term
relationship too, you know,because I mean we're only gonna

(20:21):
live for so long, you know.
And um time has been moving bypretty quickly, yeah, you know,
and um like I'm just like I Iwake up and like it's already
another day, you know.

SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
Yeah, I was I was just looking at a calendar
today, like it's already likehalf the month went by.
It felt like two days.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
But yeah, and I was gonna saythe best, I think the one of the
more important indicators and alot of people say is like shared
core values.
Like if you know what you valuemost, you know, like I know
making a difference or helpingpeople or family or whatever it

(21:00):
is, like when you both havethose things, you know, that
that's the a good core.
And then of course, like yousaid, treating you well and
having similar or likepersonalities that you get
along.
So yeah, looks are looks arenice, but not everything.
There can be a lot of attractivepeople that aren't so wonderful.

SPEAKER_01 (21:18):
So yeah, no, I I agree with you on that.
And the good thing is that um meand him are um both Christian,
so um that's good.
And we both go to church onSunday, so that's good too.

SPEAKER_00 (21:35):
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah, I did an episode with aguy who wrote about 10 different
shared values, and he has you umgo through and order them
separately, like you know, putone through ten for each of your
values, and then you comparenotes and kind of there's like a
score he puts in that.
So that's a good way to figureout.
And if you have even if you havedifferences, it at least

(21:57):
explains why you rated thingsdifferently.
Like there's entertainment,finance, you know, sex, like all
the different the main things inlife, and like where how you
value them compared to yourpartner can be even if it's
different, like I said, it helpsyou understand each other
better.
You can see why they think acertain way.
So I would definitely check outthat episode if you haven't.
And I wish I had the number.

(22:19):
Maybe I'll insert the number forlike for listeners.
So yeah.
Yeah, it's there's so manythings like that out there.
You know, there's plenty ofhelp, you know, your podcast, my
podcast, plenty of things tolearn from.
And then, like you said, justdoing the inner work and
journaling on if you havepatterns that you always uh
attract the same guy or alwaysget treated the same way, you

(22:40):
know, just kind of figure outwhat's going on.
And I I think it's and severalpeople have said taking a break
from dating altogether is alwayshelpful too when it's just not
going well.
Take like a good six-monthbreak.
So are there any final commentsor like closing comments you
want to make just to leave thelisteners with about you and
your podcast and your thoughts?

SPEAKER_01 (23:02):
Um well, as always, it starts with you.

SPEAKER_00 (23:08):
Awesome.
That's the name of your showtoo, so it works out.
All right, well, thank you verymuch for being on.
I'm happy to talk about the LAscene, and I know there's lots
of frustrated people out there,but it's good to know you met
your person or potentially yourperson, so and enjoying it.
So it can be done.
I know a lot of people that leftLA and met people and then moved

(23:28):
back.
So maybe you can do that too, ifyou're listening in LA.
But all right, well, thank youmuch, or thank you again.
And if you love this episode, besure to tell your friends about
it and rate it as well.
And thanks for joining me again,Anna.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 (23:43):
Frank Dog! Frank Dog!

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#113 Love Is Harder Than Parking In LA

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