December 23, 2025 • 28 mins
What if the health of your relationship depends less on finding the “right person” and more on becoming your truest self? That’s the lens we bring to a frank, generous conversation with conscious relationship coach, intuitive guide, and author LaShawn McCrary. We explore why inner work is the starting line for aligned love, how to tell compatibility from true alignment, and what it takes to build a relationship where both partners feel safe enough to be fully seen.
We also highlight LaShawn’s two books. I Am Not An Option is a call to own your truth in dating—if you want marriage, say it, and let misaligned partners pass. Before We Go Any Further is a pre‑engagement workbook that guides couples through the conversations most skip: division of labor with kids, money expectations, boundaries around social media, conflict styles, and long‑term goals. You’ll leave with questions that protect your future, language for asking your partner for what you need, and a compass for building agreements instead of assumptions.
If this resonates, share it with someone you care about, hit follow to get new episodes, and leave a quick review telling us one hard conversation you’re ready to have. Your story might help someone else choose a braver love.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
Podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Hello, Tamara here.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guest is LaShawnMcCrary, a conscious
relationship coach, intuitiveguide, and author.
And we'll be talking abouthelping couples and individuals
get real, get aligned, and lovebetter.
(00:20):
Thanks for joining me, LaShawn.
Thank you so much for having me,Tamara.
How are you today?
I am good.
Awesome.
Yes.
I think, and if you want to justget right started, if so for
those that don't know or can'timagine, what is a conscious
relationship coach versus likeany other kind of coach?
SPEAKER_01 (00:39):
Well, I decided to use that term when I decided
that I wanted to help people domore of the internal work, the
spiritual work that many peoplemay not already be doing in
their lives.
So as a conscious relationshipcoach, my whole focus is to
first get people to go insidethemselves, do their inner work,
(01:04):
do their um inner healing thatneeds to take place within
themselves first, and then forthem to take that newer version
of themselves and to presentthat person inside their
relationship.
And when both people are goinginside themselves, when both
people are doing the work, thenit allows them to really create
(01:27):
a safe, vulnerable space wherethey can feel free to be
themselves, whoever they are,whoever they choose to be in
this world, and then makedecisions about their
relationship from that point.
SPEAKER_00 (01:40):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
And and you say you help themindividually, and then as a
couple, so do you work with themseparately, or this is just if
you're working with individuals,you would start there?
SPEAKER_01 (01:51):
Well, when I'm working with individuals, it
just depends on what theirparticular needs are.
So everyone that comes to medoes not necessarily need help
with their relationships,although many times that is a
part of it, but that's not theentirety of it.
So for individuals, it'swhatever work they need to do in
order to be their greatest andhighest self.
(02:13):
And of course, if there's acouple, yes, it's always them
doing the inner work, but we'reworking on it together.
So it's kind of like all of uscoming together, creating that
open space so that they can seeeach other, so that they can
hear one another better, andthey can learn how to
communicate better so that theyagain can make decisions that
are in the greatest and highestgood of not only themselves but
(02:36):
the relationshipssimultaneously.
SPEAKER_00 (02:39):
Yeah, that makes sense, obviously.
And communication is is huge.
So learning how to do it makessense together.
And then you mentioned being anintuitive guide.
Is that I mean, it's can beself-explanatory, but just go
ahead and in case it's not foreveryone.
SPEAKER_01 (02:56):
Right.
Well, as an intuitive guide, itis me in my highest and greatest
form, tapping in whether somepeople call it whether it's a
psychic or some people like touse the word prophet.
There are so many differentterms.
For me, the word intuitive iswhat I feel um is most
comfortable and what suits meand what I do.
(03:18):
And it really is just havingthis great, wonderful
relationship with the sourcethat I call God, source
universe, this all-encompassing,loving being that I believe
resides within each and everyperson.
And so I tap into that and Ishare this information with
(03:38):
people.
SPEAKER_00 (03:40):
Okay.
Yes.
Yeah, and I was gonna say, is itwell, I was gonna say, does it
come too quickly?
But I guess that's kind ofirrelevant that you get to it at
some point.
SPEAKER_01 (03:49):
Well, you know, it it does.
It it actually does.
I usually have people scheduleappointments with me so that I
can take time to really sit andtake notes and you know, really
tune in and hear, but I also canjust have someone, you know,
walk up to me on the on thestreet, you know, and we start a
conversation and then all of asudden something will just come
(04:11):
forth.
So I'm just open to using mygifts however my gifts surface
and whenever they surface.
SPEAKER_00 (04:19):
Okay.
And I do see um, well, when howdo you know if your relationship
is truly aligned?
If you are working with couplesor for people listening, how do
they how can they know if it'sthe the the one they're in is
they are truly aligned or not?
How do you determine?
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
Well, one of the things that they need to do,
because it's not up to me todecide whether or not two people
are aligned, it's up for them orup to them.
And they can always tell becausethey can feel what's going on.
Now, sometimes you may just be alittle off course, but when you
look at your overallrelationship, do you just have
(04:59):
areas where you're just simplycompatible, which is good.
Like, for example, two peoplecan decide we both love sports,
we're both foodies, we bothenjoy the same types of movies
and music.
So those are areas where thosetwo individuals can be very
compatible.
However, if the trajectory ofyour lives is going in different
(05:20):
directions because you havecompletely different belief
systems about the way arelationship should operate,
maybe your own religious orspiritual beliefs, maybe your
political beliefs.
So there are other things thatare very important in our lives.
And if you find out that you'regoing in two completely
different directions, then thatrelationship isn't in alignment,
(05:42):
even if you have all these otherareas of compatibility.
So they really have to look attheir relationship holistically.
SPEAKER_00 (05:49):
Yeah, I definitely agree.
Like core values, having thoseshared values are more important
than because I just discoveredrecently that um like we have
the like we share the corevalues, but the little stuff is
what's different.
And it's so little it doesn'treally matter, but there's a lot
of little differences.
Would you say that's still fine?
Like, like literally, like Iprefer blinds clothes, he
(06:12):
prefers them open, like smallsleeves that small.
Yeah, he likes to eat standingup.
I like to eat sitting down, andlike he'll stand and I'm
sitting.
I'm like wishing he would come,you know, like little, little
stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (06:23):
No, that and that's hilarious because I actually
will eat standing up many times,especially if I'm by myself.
I will not go over to the table.
That was a pet peeve that mymother had with me many, many
years ago.
I don't even know where I gotthat from.
It's just something that I liketo do.
So it's just like, well, I'mready to eat, the food's here.
Why go have a seat?
You know, why move?
But to answer your question, youknow, those things fall under
(06:48):
the category of pet peeves.
It's something that's verysmall.
They're not deal breakers,they're just simply preferences.
And if we allow ourselves tojust say, hey, I like it this
way, they like it that way, youknow, when you're in a room, you
could say, okay, I love theblinds open, so I'll open the
blinds.
But he prefers the blindsclosed.
(07:09):
So when he's in the room, he'llclose the blinds.
And if there can be mutualrespect, then all of those
little pet peeves don't matter.
So those are smaller things, butit doesn't change the trajectory
of your life because if the restof the relationship is really,
really good, no, we're not gonnabreak up the relationship just
because, you know, uh one personagain over the blinds or over
(07:32):
dishes or simple things likethat.
Now I will say when pet peevesseem to become an issue, there
probably is a much larger issueat hand.
So one day, you know, it's justlike you guys are in a rhythm,
you're close, you're opening theblinds, he's closing the blinds,
and then one day it just becomesthis really big, huge thing.
(07:53):
It's not about the blinds,there's something else that's
going on.
And that's why it's really greatfor couples to learn how to
communicate with each otherbecause anyone can have a really
bad day.
And it's really great when yourpartner can see, hey, that's not
how he or she normally behaves.
What's going on?
And you know when to have thatconversation and you know how to
(08:16):
interject so that theyunderstand, hey, you know,
you're going off the deep end,but it's really not that
serious.
So what's going on with you?
What is it that happened?
You know, what do I need toknow?
Fill in the details and begin tohave that conversation so that
it doesn't continue to grow.
Because anytime when we don'thave those very important
(08:37):
conversations, when there'ssomething wrong with our mate
and we're not addressing theissue, it can create havoc in
other areas of our lives.
So we do want to get to that asquickly as possible, have that
conversation so that it justgoes back to open blinds, close
blinds, but it's not covering upsomething else.
SPEAKER_00 (08:56):
Yeah, definitely.
And you do talk about what womenneed to feel safe or what they
need to feel valued in love.
Like, do you want to like shareversus like I have my own, I've
heard other stories, but likemen need respect, women need
other things.
Like, what would you say thatwomen need that men don't always
see?
SPEAKER_01 (09:14):
Or you know, I think yeah, and and that's a great
question.
And I think that differentpeople need different things,
and depending on the stage oflife that they're in, that need
continues to change.
So I I really don't like to sayit's this one thing, because it
could be many things, right?
Depending on the woman and whereshe is in her life.
(09:36):
So the first thing I would sayis for her to know what it is
that she needs.
Because many times, you know, asa woman, it can be like, ah, I'm
I'm just feeling and I can'treally express it myself.
So if I can't express it myself,I can't expect my husband to
come to me and be able to helpme solve something if I don't
(09:58):
even know what it is.
So, first it's just about goinginside yourself and really
figuring out what is it that Iwant?
What is it that I need in thismoment, or what is it that I
need in this phase of my life?
And sometimes it's just, youknow what?
I just need to be held.
Sometimes it's I need to hearthat I'm beautiful.
(10:19):
Sometimes it's I need more helpwith the children.
And so, whatever that need is,having the confidence and the
courage to be able to go to yourpartner and share that and
sharing in a in a way whereyou're just simply saying, This
is what I need you to help mewith, and not uh, you never do
(10:40):
the dishes or you never do this,and not creating an argument and
also not having an expectationthat they should know.
This is something, you know, anarea where a lot of couples get
caught because they're like,Well, we've been together, they
should know.
Well, maybe they should, but doyou want to have that argument
on top of it?
Do you want to make it worse?
(11:00):
Or do you want to simply comeout and say, hey, this is
something that I need for you orfrom you?
Can I expect you to help me?
Can I, you know, uh, will youshow up for me in that way?
And when you're willing to goinside and be soft and be gentle
and have that conversation, ithas a way of changing things and
(11:22):
it has a way of shifting thingsbecause now they're seeing that
you actually need the help.
So again, you know, for a woman,it's again you relating with
inside yourself, what is it thatI need?
What is it that I want?
And that does that answer yourquestion?
SPEAKER_00 (11:38):
Yeah, yeah.
And I've yeah, I just heard itthat, you know, because it well,
Tony Robbins said this years agothat women want to feel love or
seen and seen and seen and heardand understood, and then men
value respect like more thananything.
But yeah, I mean, obviouslythat's at the bottom of
everything you're saying, right,right.
SPEAKER_01 (12:00):
And you know, but but I like that.
But what's also interesting isthat as things are shifting a
little bit and more men arespeaking up about wanting to be
vulnerable and really wanting todevelop themselves spiritually.
Guess what?
Men want to be seen and heardtoo.
(12:21):
And part of being respected isbeing seen and being heard and
being valued.
So we have a lot of same coreneeds, but many times they're
given a different title.
So people see it as somethingcompletely different.
But there are many core needs,and you know, even as a woman,
(12:41):
uh, being respected is very,very important for women.
You know, it I it's one thingthat really makes me cringe, is
when I see anyone beingdisrespected, but even more so
when I see women that do thingsthat can be taken as them
disrespecting themselves ordisrespectful of women in
(13:02):
general.
So, you know, that's again avery important topic in
recognizing that we all want tobe seen, we all want to be
heard, we all want to berespected.
And, you know, men usually don'tput love up there at the top,
but they want to be loved too.
You know, that they want to feelsafe, they want to have the
ability to be vulnerable, butsociety hasn't always opened up
(13:24):
the doors and given them a safespace to say that.
So what do they do?
They bury everything.
SPEAKER_00 (13:31):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Along along those lines, whatdoes emotional vulnerability
look like?
What would you say for a men?
Like what is it um, or whatneeds to be there for them to be
able to do that too?
SPEAKER_01 (13:44):
I believe that in order for a man to be
vulnerable, he has to reallytrust the woman that he's being
vulnerable with.
If it's a woman that's a gossip,if it's a woman that every time
she hears something, she'sspreading it all over social
media, he most likely is notgoing to feel too comfortable
sharing certain things, youknow, with her and really
(14:06):
allowing himself to bevulnerable out of the fear that
it may end up on social media,you know, out of the fear that
it may be shared with friendsand family when it was just
meant for her to hear, you know,and many times it's not about
somebody fixing a situation, butthere come times in life when we
(14:26):
realize that there are certainthings from our past or maybe
certain things that are going onin our lives now, and we realize
the great impact that thosethings are having in our lives,
and we want a safe space toshare.
So if there's a man and he'scoming to this point in his life
and he's been in thisrelationship, this marriage for
a while, he wants to know thathe can share it and it's gonna
(14:48):
stay right there, that it's notgoing to be used against him at
a later time.
And also knowing that you'restill going to continue to
respect, love, and support himeven after he's been vulnerable.
You know, I think it's a reallysad thing in this society that
there almost has to be death orsome type of catastrophic event
(15:12):
for it to be okay for a man tocry.
Because there are othersituations in life where they
may feel it, where they may needit.
But again, because it's justlike, no, no, no, little, you
know, you don't cry, you know,you're a man, you don't get the
opportunity to share yourfeelings.
And that's never been good forthem health-wise, you know.
(15:33):
And you know, so so it's timefor it, you know, it really is.
But those are some of the thingsthat need to be in place in
order for a man to bevulnerable.
And I'll even go even further tosay this.
If you're a woman and you wantthe man in your life to be more
vulnerable, you have to askyourself, am I creating space
(15:54):
for that?
Am I really willing?
You know, is another question.
Am I willing to truly see himshare himself with me?
Am I willing?
Am I okay if he begins to shedtears?
Or am I going to see that as asign of weakness?
You know, is he not allowed toreally be that vulnerable and
(16:15):
transparent in front of mebecause I'm going to think less
of him?
And if you are, then don't askhim to be transparent.
Don't ask him to be vulnerable.
Don't ask him to open up becausewhat will happen is, you know,
you will look at him as lessthan, and then he will retreat
and he's going to go evenfurther into the so-called man
(16:35):
cave, right?
And then you may never get himto come back out because he
tried it, he trusted, it didn'twork.
And so he's going to go rightback into that cave.
And understandably so, becauseright now the cave is where men
feel safe.
They may not like it, they mayknow that they are suppressing
it and they feel a need toshare, but it's just like, but
(16:56):
where do I go?
So that's just something, youknow, for for ladies to think
about if you're saying, Oh, he'sholding everything inside,
create the safe space for him tocome out.
SPEAKER_00 (17:23):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Sounds like a great idea.
SPEAKER_01 (17:27):
Yeah, I I I like that as an idea.
SPEAKER_00 (17:30):
Yeah.
And since the third thing youmentioned, or we mentioned in
the intro was being an author,do you want to talk now about
the book and the workbook thatyou have?
Yes, we can do that.
SPEAKER_01 (17:42):
I wrote uh years ago um a book titled I Am Not an
Option, and it is a woman'sguide to self-love and
relationships.
And this book came around in atime where I was really learning
and hearing that when it came tothe topic of relationships, that
(18:03):
many women were lying to men andmaking it seem as if they were
okay with being friends withbenefits or just not having a
title.
And no, I don't want to getmarried, I don't need this, I
don't need that, but that wasn'ttheir truth.
And this is, you know, prettymuch how that book came about
with you know, talking to womenand saying, you know, we need to
(18:26):
be honest with ourselves, youknow, before we can be honest
with anybody else, we need to behonest with ourselves and we
need to own our truth, whateverit is.
If you want to be married, thenyou want to be married.
Now, I'm not saying go out on adate with someone for the first
time and just like, do you wantto be married?
How soon do you want to be?
You know, we're not talkingabout moving in a space of
desperation, but it is importantfor women to understand that
(18:51):
they need to know what it isthat they want, what it is that
they stand for, and be okay withsetting those boundaries.
I remember talking to a younglady and she said to me, you
know, I'm listening to you andit resonates with me.
And I feel like I need to dothat.
She said, But my problem is if Imention to a man that, you know,
(19:11):
I'm even thinking about, youknow, a serious relationship or
that I'd like to be married oneday, then I'm kind of met with
this negativity.
And I said, Oh, that's good.
And she said, Well, what do youmean?
I said, Because he's telling youit's not him.
Let go.
Why are you afraid to releasesomeone who isn't in your life
(19:32):
anyway?
And this is the realization thata lot of women need to have.
If he doesn't want what youwant, that's not your person,
and it's okay.
Rejoice in that, be happy,release him, because all it's
gonna probably end up being isheartache for you anyway.
Because three months, six monthsdown the line, if you really
(19:55):
like this person, you're gettingalong really well.
But remember when we talkedearlier about the alignment and
the trajectory of your lives, hewants to be happily single
forever or maybe live togetherbut never put a ring on it.
If that's truly what he wants,but that's not what you want,
why are you going to allowyourself to invest, to invest
(20:16):
the time, the energy, the money,the sacrifice, everything that
you're putting into thatindividual.
Why are you going to invest inthat space when he's clearly
telling you that's not what hechooses?
So I am not an option, is aboutthe self-love, about developing
yourself, about going throughand just really figuring out
(20:37):
again as a woman who you are,what you want, and being
confident to step into thatspace and not be an option.
And I think one of, as a matterof fact, I know one of the
greatest compliments that Ireceived on this book was from
two gentlemen who shared with methat this isn't a book for
women, it is a book for people.
(20:57):
And one of them actually said tome, you know, LaShawn, if I had
read this many, many years ago,I would probably still be in my
first marriage.
And I was just like, oh, wow,okay, you know, and and I
thought that, you know, thatthat was, you know, huge that
men could read this book and notjust see it as it's a book for
(21:19):
girls, and you know, that youknow, that that's the woman
stuff.
But no, but it it's really clearand again, just really diving
into and knowing who you are.
So that's I am not an option.
And then my most recent releaseis Before We Go Any Further, and
it's a pre-engagement workbookfor couples.
(21:40):
Now, I wrote this book afterbeing married for a little bit,
and I began to listen to othermarried couples differently and
recognizing that wow, it's justlike, what happened to everyone?
You know, the people that I'mworking with, the people that I
know personally.
And I realized that there wereconversations that were had, but
(22:02):
there weren't enough in-depthconversations about what people
really wanted.
Because it's one thing to say,oh, you want a family, I want a
family, okay, two kids, threekids, okay, cool, and we're
good.
But who's going to be getting upin the middle of the night
feeding those children?
Who's going to be doing the onethat's, you know, feeding,
(22:22):
changing diapers?
Who's going to be picking themup from school or wherever when
they get sick?
These are more questions thatneed to be asked because when
couples haven't had those deeperconversations, that marriage is
going to run into trouble unlessthey're on the same page.
Now, if they're, you know, onthe same page, then you're good.
But more often than not, I'mfinding out that couples are not
(22:44):
on the same page and not just onthat topic, on many topics.
So this is where that alignmentcomes from and really tapping
into the courage to have thoseconversations.
I remember someone had asked mea little while ago, they said,
wow, you know, that can be kindof scary.
I said, Well, you know, it canbe a little scary, but do you
(23:06):
really want to move forward intoyour future in fear?
Like hoping that it doesn'thappen.
Because anytime when there'ssomething that's an issue, if
there's an issue, it's an issueand it's going to surface at
some point in time.
So you might as well deal withit now.
And what I like to tell peopleis just because there's an
issue, that doesn't mean thatit's a deal breaker.
(23:27):
That doesn't mean that you haveto end the relationship.
It just means that you have somefiguring out to do before you go
any further.
And that was the whole reasonof, you know, the title being
before we go any further, beforethe ring is purchased, before
friends and family are told, oh,we're getting engaged.
Because at that point in time,it makes it that much more
(23:51):
difficult for couples to havehonest conversations.
Now they're really just kind oflike, oh, we'll be okay.
Yeah, we're good, we're fine.
And the question is, but are youreally?
Are are you fine today?
Because that's one thing.
And then there's long-term fine.
Is it are you going to be finefive years from now, 10 years
from now?
(24:11):
Will you make it 10 years?
So these are the type ofconversations that I want
couples to have in more depth.
And so the book covers topics ofkids and family and social media
because that's not goinganywhere.
And there are couples that arebreaking up on social media.
And social media, I've heard alot of people say social media
(24:32):
ends relationships.
And here's my my my uh take onthat, people.
Social media does not endrelationships.
People end relationships, peoplewho allow themselves to
entertain things that are inbreach of your agreement.
That is what ends relationships.
So people have to decide howmuch exposure they can handle.
(24:56):
I know certain people who say,you know what, I'm not even
going to get on social mediabecause I know what's out there,
it's going to be tempting forme.
So I'm just going to leave italone.
That's called wisdom.
So you have to know yourself asa person and what you're willing
to allow into your relationship.
Because ultimately, if thatrelationship has two people in
(25:18):
it, then everything that does ordoes not happen in that
relationship is theresponsibility of those two
people.
So those are the type ofconversations that I'm really
encouraging more couples to havebefore they go any further.
SPEAKER_00 (25:33):
Yeah, because a lot of them just are planning the
wedding and talking about allthat part of it, not thinking
about anything past it.
SPEAKER_01 (25:40):
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And it's such a majorinvestment.
It's a major investment of time.
And when I think about theexpense that you know that
people spend to for weddings andengagement parties and pictures
and just the whole shebang, it'sa lot of money.
(26:00):
So my thinking is before you dothat, go through the workbook.
See if there are areas where thetwo of you need to work on it.
And if so, invest more.
And maybe you do need arelationship coach.
Maybe you need to go get sometype of therapy, whatever it is
that you need to do, but reallyput those enforcements in place
(26:21):
before you go any further.
And then that way you walk intoyour future feeling a lot more
secure.
Feeling, and of course, nothingis perfect, right?
We know that, but your chances,I want you to increase your
chances.
I'd really love to see thenumbers of divorce really begin
to decrease.
And I believe that that canhappen if people are really
(26:44):
coming from a more conscious uhperspective and really allowing
themselves to do the inner workand sharing that information
with their partner.
I do believe that that canhappen.
SPEAKER_00 (26:55):
Yeah.
I was I was gonna say, do youhave like a final comment that a
takeaway that you want people toleave with?
Is that would you say that is itor is there like more?
Um as you were saying it, itfelt like that.
SPEAKER_01 (27:08):
Well, you know, I feel, let's see.
Oh wow.
Uh one of my favorite quotes isto let love be your guide.
That would be one.
And you know, to really knowyourself.
Uh, there's another one of myfavorite quotes by Lao Tzu,
which is to know others iswisdom, but to know yourself is
(27:30):
enlightenment.
So I really encourage everyone,get to know yourself.
I know when people think aboutrelationships, they're always
focusing on getting to know theother person.
Really get to know yourself,stand in that power, and then
get to know your partner andreally share who you truly are
with them.
SPEAKER_00 (27:49):
Yes, sound advice.
All right.
Well, thank you very much.
And if you love this episode, besure to tell your friends about
it and rate it as well.
And thank you again, LaShawn,for being on.
Thank you so much for having me,Tamara.
All right, thanks everyone.
Bye.
Frank's off! Frank's off sex anddating engine kids.
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
Podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Hello, Tamara here.
Welcome to the show.
Today's guest is LaShawnMcCrary, a conscious
relationship coach, intuitiveguide, and author.
And we'll be talking abouthelping couples and individuals
get real, get aligned, and lovebetter.
(00:20):
Thanks for joining me, LaShawn.
Thank you so much for having me,Tamara.
How are you today?
I am good.
Awesome.
Yes.
I think, and if you want to justget right started, if so for
those that don't know or can'timagine, what is a conscious
relationship coach versus likeany other kind of coach?
SPEAKER_01 (00:39):
Well, I decided to use that term when I decided
that I wanted to help people domore of the internal work, the
spiritual work that many peoplemay not already be doing in
their lives.
So as a conscious relationshipcoach, my whole focus is to
first get people to go insidethemselves, do their inner work,
(01:04):
do their um inner healing thatneeds to take place within
themselves first, and then forthem to take that newer version
of themselves and to presentthat person inside their
relationship.
And when both people are goinginside themselves, when both
people are doing the work, thenit allows them to really create
(01:27):
a safe, vulnerable space wherethey can feel free to be
themselves, whoever they are,whoever they choose to be in
this world, and then makedecisions about their
relationship from that point.
SPEAKER_00 (01:40):
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
And and you say you help themindividually, and then as a
couple, so do you work with themseparately, or this is just if
you're working with individuals,you would start there?
SPEAKER_01 (01:51):
Well, when I'm working with individuals, it
just depends on what theirparticular needs are.
So everyone that comes to medoes not necessarily need help
with their relationships,although many times that is a
part of it, but that's not theentirety of it.
So for individuals, it'swhatever work they need to do in
order to be their greatest andhighest self.
(02:13):
And of course, if there's acouple, yes, it's always them
doing the inner work, but we'reworking on it together.
So it's kind of like all of uscoming together, creating that
open space so that they can seeeach other, so that they can
hear one another better, andthey can learn how to
communicate better so that theyagain can make decisions that
are in the greatest and highestgood of not only themselves but
(02:36):
the relationshipssimultaneously.
SPEAKER_00 (02:39):
Yeah, that makes sense, obviously.
And communication is is huge.
So learning how to do it makessense together.
And then you mentioned being anintuitive guide.
Is that I mean, it's can beself-explanatory, but just go
ahead and in case it's not foreveryone.
SPEAKER_01 (02:56):
Right.
Well, as an intuitive guide, itis me in my highest and greatest
form, tapping in whether somepeople call it whether it's a
psychic or some people like touse the word prophet.
There are so many differentterms.
For me, the word intuitive iswhat I feel um is most
comfortable and what suits meand what I do.
(03:18):
And it really is just havingthis great, wonderful
relationship with the sourcethat I call God, source
universe, this all-encompassing,loving being that I believe
resides within each and everyperson.
And so I tap into that and Ishare this information with
(03:38):
people.
SPEAKER_00 (03:40):
Okay.
Yes.
Yeah, and I was gonna say, is itwell, I was gonna say, does it
come too quickly?
But I guess that's kind ofirrelevant that you get to it at
some point.
SPEAKER_01 (03:49):
Well, you know, it it does.
It it actually does.
I usually have people scheduleappointments with me so that I
can take time to really sit andtake notes and you know, really
tune in and hear, but I also canjust have someone, you know,
walk up to me on the on thestreet, you know, and we start a
conversation and then all of asudden something will just come
(04:11):
forth.
So I'm just open to using mygifts however my gifts surface
and whenever they surface.
SPEAKER_00 (04:19):
Okay.
And I do see um, well, when howdo you know if your relationship
is truly aligned?
If you are working with couplesor for people listening, how do
they how can they know if it'sthe the the one they're in is
they are truly aligned or not?
How do you determine?
SPEAKER_01 (04:36):
Well, one of the things that they need to do,
because it's not up to me todecide whether or not two people
are aligned, it's up for them orup to them.
And they can always tell becausethey can feel what's going on.
Now, sometimes you may just be alittle off course, but when you
look at your overallrelationship, do you just have
(04:59):
areas where you're just simplycompatible, which is good.
Like, for example, two peoplecan decide we both love sports,
we're both foodies, we bothenjoy the same types of movies
and music.
So those are areas where thosetwo individuals can be very
compatible.
However, if the trajectory ofyour lives is going in different
(05:20):
directions because you havecompletely different belief
systems about the way arelationship should operate,
maybe your own religious orspiritual beliefs, maybe your
political beliefs.
So there are other things thatare very important in our lives.
And if you find out that you'regoing in two completely
different directions, then thatrelationship isn't in alignment,
(05:42):
even if you have all these otherareas of compatibility.
So they really have to look attheir relationship holistically.
SPEAKER_00 (05:49):
Yeah, I definitely agree.
Like core values, having thoseshared values are more important
than because I just discoveredrecently that um like we have
the like we share the corevalues, but the little stuff is
what's different.
And it's so little it doesn'treally matter, but there's a lot
of little differences.
Would you say that's still fine?
Like, like literally, like Iprefer blinds clothes, he
(06:12):
prefers them open, like smallsleeves that small.
Yeah, he likes to eat standingup.
I like to eat sitting down, andlike he'll stand and I'm
sitting.
I'm like wishing he would come,you know, like little, little
stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (06:23):
No, that and that's hilarious because I actually
will eat standing up many times,especially if I'm by myself.
I will not go over to the table.
That was a pet peeve that mymother had with me many, many
years ago.
I don't even know where I gotthat from.
It's just something that I liketo do.
So it's just like, well, I'mready to eat, the food's here.
Why go have a seat?
You know, why move?
But to answer your question, youknow, those things fall under
(06:48):
the category of pet peeves.
It's something that's verysmall.
They're not deal breakers,they're just simply preferences.
And if we allow ourselves tojust say, hey, I like it this
way, they like it that way, youknow, when you're in a room, you
could say, okay, I love theblinds open, so I'll open the
blinds.
But he prefers the blindsclosed.
(07:09):
So when he's in the room, he'llclose the blinds.
And if there can be mutualrespect, then all of those
little pet peeves don't matter.
So those are smaller things, butit doesn't change the trajectory
of your life because if the restof the relationship is really,
really good, no, we're not gonnabreak up the relationship just
because, you know, uh one personagain over the blinds or over
(07:32):
dishes or simple things likethat.
Now I will say when pet peevesseem to become an issue, there
probably is a much larger issueat hand.
So one day, you know, it's justlike you guys are in a rhythm,
you're close, you're opening theblinds, he's closing the blinds,
and then one day it just becomesthis really big, huge thing.
(07:53):
It's not about the blinds,there's something else that's
going on.
And that's why it's really greatfor couples to learn how to
communicate with each otherbecause anyone can have a really
bad day.
And it's really great when yourpartner can see, hey, that's not
how he or she normally behaves.
What's going on?
And you know when to have thatconversation and you know how to
(08:16):
interject so that theyunderstand, hey, you know,
you're going off the deep end,but it's really not that
serious.
So what's going on with you?
What is it that happened?
You know, what do I need toknow?
Fill in the details and begin tohave that conversation so that
it doesn't continue to grow.
Because anytime when we don'thave those very important
(08:37):
conversations, when there'ssomething wrong with our mate
and we're not addressing theissue, it can create havoc in
other areas of our lives.
So we do want to get to that asquickly as possible, have that
conversation so that it justgoes back to open blinds, close
blinds, but it's not covering upsomething else.
SPEAKER_00 (08:56):
Yeah, definitely.
And you do talk about what womenneed to feel safe or what they
need to feel valued in love.
Like, do you want to like shareversus like I have my own, I've
heard other stories, but likemen need respect, women need
other things.
Like, what would you say thatwomen need that men don't always
see?
SPEAKER_01 (09:14):
Or you know, I think yeah, and and that's a great
question.
And I think that differentpeople need different things,
and depending on the stage oflife that they're in, that need
continues to change.
So I I really don't like to sayit's this one thing, because it
could be many things, right?
Depending on the woman and whereshe is in her life.
(09:36):
So the first thing I would sayis for her to know what it is
that she needs.
Because many times, you know, asa woman, it can be like, ah, I'm
I'm just feeling and I can'treally express it myself.
So if I can't express it myself,I can't expect my husband to
come to me and be able to helpme solve something if I don't
(09:58):
even know what it is.
So, first it's just about goinginside yourself and really
figuring out what is it that Iwant?
What is it that I need in thismoment, or what is it that I
need in this phase of my life?
And sometimes it's just, youknow what?
I just need to be held.
Sometimes it's I need to hearthat I'm beautiful.
(10:19):
Sometimes it's I need more helpwith the children.
And so, whatever that need is,having the confidence and the
courage to be able to go to yourpartner and share that and
sharing in a in a way whereyou're just simply saying, This
is what I need you to help mewith, and not uh, you never do
(10:40):
the dishes or you never do this,and not creating an argument and
also not having an expectationthat they should know.
This is something, you know, anarea where a lot of couples get
caught because they're like,Well, we've been together, they
should know.
Well, maybe they should, but doyou want to have that argument
on top of it?
Do you want to make it worse?
(11:00):
Or do you want to simply comeout and say, hey, this is
something that I need for you orfrom you?
Can I expect you to help me?
Can I, you know, uh, will youshow up for me in that way?
And when you're willing to goinside and be soft and be gentle
and have that conversation, ithas a way of changing things and
(11:22):
it has a way of shifting thingsbecause now they're seeing that
you actually need the help.
So again, you know, for a woman,it's again you relating with
inside yourself, what is it thatI need?
What is it that I want?
And that does that answer yourquestion?
SPEAKER_00 (11:38):
Yeah, yeah.
And I've yeah, I just heard itthat, you know, because it well,
Tony Robbins said this years agothat women want to feel love or
seen and seen and seen and heardand understood, and then men
value respect like more thananything.
But yeah, I mean, obviouslythat's at the bottom of
everything you're saying, right,right.
SPEAKER_01 (12:00):
And you know, but but I like that.
But what's also interesting isthat as things are shifting a
little bit and more men arespeaking up about wanting to be
vulnerable and really wanting todevelop themselves spiritually.
Guess what?
Men want to be seen and heardtoo.
(12:21):
And part of being respected isbeing seen and being heard and
being valued.
So we have a lot of same coreneeds, but many times they're
given a different title.
So people see it as somethingcompletely different.
But there are many core needs,and you know, even as a woman,
(12:41):
uh, being respected is very,very important for women.
You know, it I it's one thingthat really makes me cringe, is
when I see anyone beingdisrespected, but even more so
when I see women that do thingsthat can be taken as them
disrespecting themselves ordisrespectful of women in
(13:02):
general.
So, you know, that's again avery important topic in
recognizing that we all want tobe seen, we all want to be
heard, we all want to berespected.
And, you know, men usually don'tput love up there at the top,
but they want to be loved too.
You know, that they want to feelsafe, they want to have the
ability to be vulnerable, butsociety hasn't always opened up
(13:24):
the doors and given them a safespace to say that.
So what do they do?
They bury everything.
SPEAKER_00 (13:31):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Along along those lines, whatdoes emotional vulnerability
look like?
What would you say for a men?
Like what is it um, or whatneeds to be there for them to be
able to do that too?
SPEAKER_01 (13:44):
I believe that in order for a man to be
vulnerable, he has to reallytrust the woman that he's being
vulnerable with.
If it's a woman that's a gossip,if it's a woman that every time
she hears something, she'sspreading it all over social
media, he most likely is notgoing to feel too comfortable
sharing certain things, youknow, with her and really
(14:06):
allowing himself to bevulnerable out of the fear that
it may end up on social media,you know, out of the fear that
it may be shared with friendsand family when it was just
meant for her to hear, you know,and many times it's not about
somebody fixing a situation, butthere come times in life when we
(14:26):
realize that there are certainthings from our past or maybe
certain things that are going onin our lives now, and we realize
the great impact that thosethings are having in our lives,
and we want a safe space toshare.
So if there's a man and he'scoming to this point in his life
and he's been in thisrelationship, this marriage for
a while, he wants to know thathe can share it and it's gonna
(14:48):
stay right there, that it's notgoing to be used against him at
a later time.
And also knowing that you'restill going to continue to
respect, love, and support himeven after he's been vulnerable.
You know, I think it's a reallysad thing in this society that
there almost has to be death orsome type of catastrophic event
(15:12):
for it to be okay for a man tocry.
Because there are othersituations in life where they
may feel it, where they may needit.
But again, because it's justlike, no, no, no, little, you
know, you don't cry, you know,you're a man, you don't get the
opportunity to share yourfeelings.
And that's never been good forthem health-wise, you know.
(15:33):
And you know, so so it's timefor it, you know, it really is.
But those are some of the thingsthat need to be in place in
order for a man to bevulnerable.
And I'll even go even further tosay this.
If you're a woman and you wantthe man in your life to be more
vulnerable, you have to askyourself, am I creating space
(15:54):
for that?
Am I really willing?
You know, is another question.
Am I willing to truly see himshare himself with me?
Am I willing?
Am I okay if he begins to shedtears?
Or am I going to see that as asign of weakness?
You know, is he not allowed toreally be that vulnerable and
(16:15):
transparent in front of mebecause I'm going to think less
of him?
And if you are, then don't askhim to be transparent.
Don't ask him to be vulnerable.
Don't ask him to open up becausewhat will happen is, you know,
you will look at him as lessthan, and then he will retreat
and he's going to go evenfurther into the so-called man
(16:35):
cave, right?
And then you may never get himto come back out because he
tried it, he trusted, it didn'twork.
And so he's going to go rightback into that cave.
And understandably so, becauseright now the cave is where men
feel safe.
They may not like it, they mayknow that they are suppressing
it and they feel a need toshare, but it's just like, but
(16:56):
where do I go?
So that's just something, youknow, for for ladies to think
about if you're saying, Oh, he'sholding everything inside,
create the safe space for him tocome out.
SPEAKER_00 (17:23):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Sounds like a great idea.
SPEAKER_01 (17:27):
Yeah, I I I like that as an idea.
SPEAKER_00 (17:30):
Yeah.
And since the third thing youmentioned, or we mentioned in
the intro was being an author,do you want to talk now about
the book and the workbook thatyou have?
Yes, we can do that.
SPEAKER_01 (17:42):
I wrote uh years ago um a book titled I Am Not an
Option, and it is a woman'sguide to self-love and
relationships.
And this book came around in atime where I was really learning
and hearing that when it came tothe topic of relationships, that
(18:03):
many women were lying to men andmaking it seem as if they were
okay with being friends withbenefits or just not having a
title.
And no, I don't want to getmarried, I don't need this, I
don't need that, but that wasn'ttheir truth.
And this is, you know, prettymuch how that book came about
with you know, talking to womenand saying, you know, we need to
(18:26):
be honest with ourselves, youknow, before we can be honest
with anybody else, we need to behonest with ourselves and we
need to own our truth, whateverit is.
If you want to be married, thenyou want to be married.
Now, I'm not saying go out on adate with someone for the first
time and just like, do you wantto be married?
How soon do you want to be?
You know, we're not talkingabout moving in a space of
desperation, but it is importantfor women to understand that
(18:51):
they need to know what it isthat they want, what it is that
they stand for, and be okay withsetting those boundaries.
I remember talking to a younglady and she said to me, you
know, I'm listening to you andit resonates with me.
And I feel like I need to dothat.
She said, But my problem is if Imention to a man that, you know,
(19:11):
I'm even thinking about, youknow, a serious relationship or
that I'd like to be married oneday, then I'm kind of met with
this negativity.
And I said, Oh, that's good.
And she said, Well, what do youmean?
I said, Because he's telling youit's not him.
Let go.
Why are you afraid to releasesomeone who isn't in your life
(19:32):
anyway?
And this is the realization thata lot of women need to have.
If he doesn't want what youwant, that's not your person,
and it's okay.
Rejoice in that, be happy,release him, because all it's
gonna probably end up being isheartache for you anyway.
Because three months, six monthsdown the line, if you really
(19:55):
like this person, you're gettingalong really well.
But remember when we talkedearlier about the alignment and
the trajectory of your lives, hewants to be happily single
forever or maybe live togetherbut never put a ring on it.
If that's truly what he wants,but that's not what you want,
why are you going to allowyourself to invest, to invest
(20:16):
the time, the energy, the money,the sacrifice, everything that
you're putting into thatindividual.
Why are you going to invest inthat space when he's clearly
telling you that's not what hechooses?
So I am not an option, is aboutthe self-love, about developing
yourself, about going throughand just really figuring out
(20:37):
again as a woman who you are,what you want, and being
confident to step into thatspace and not be an option.
And I think one of, as a matterof fact, I know one of the
greatest compliments that Ireceived on this book was from
two gentlemen who shared with methat this isn't a book for
women, it is a book for people.
(20:57):
And one of them actually said tome, you know, LaShawn, if I had
read this many, many years ago,I would probably still be in my
first marriage.
And I was just like, oh, wow,okay, you know, and and I
thought that, you know, thatthat was, you know, huge that
men could read this book and notjust see it as it's a book for
(21:19):
girls, and you know, that youknow, that that's the woman
stuff.
But no, but it it's really clearand again, just really diving
into and knowing who you are.
So that's I am not an option.
And then my most recent releaseis Before We Go Any Further, and
it's a pre-engagement workbookfor couples.
(21:40):
Now, I wrote this book afterbeing married for a little bit,
and I began to listen to othermarried couples differently and
recognizing that wow, it's justlike, what happened to everyone?
You know, the people that I'mworking with, the people that I
know personally.
And I realized that there wereconversations that were had, but
(22:02):
there weren't enough in-depthconversations about what people
really wanted.
Because it's one thing to say,oh, you want a family, I want a
family, okay, two kids, threekids, okay, cool, and we're
good.
But who's going to be getting upin the middle of the night
feeding those children?
Who's going to be doing the onethat's, you know, feeding,
(22:22):
changing diapers?
Who's going to be picking themup from school or wherever when
they get sick?
These are more questions thatneed to be asked because when
couples haven't had those deeperconversations, that marriage is
going to run into trouble unlessthey're on the same page.
Now, if they're, you know, onthe same page, then you're good.
But more often than not, I'mfinding out that couples are not
(22:44):
on the same page and not just onthat topic, on many topics.
So this is where that alignmentcomes from and really tapping
into the courage to have thoseconversations.
I remember someone had asked mea little while ago, they said,
wow, you know, that can be kindof scary.
I said, Well, you know, it canbe a little scary, but do you
(23:06):
really want to move forward intoyour future in fear?
Like hoping that it doesn'thappen.
Because anytime when there'ssomething that's an issue, if
there's an issue, it's an issueand it's going to surface at
some point in time.
So you might as well deal withit now.
And what I like to tell peopleis just because there's an
issue, that doesn't mean thatit's a deal breaker.
(23:27):
That doesn't mean that you haveto end the relationship.
It just means that you have somefiguring out to do before you go
any further.
And that was the whole reasonof, you know, the title being
before we go any further, beforethe ring is purchased, before
friends and family are told, oh,we're getting engaged.
Because at that point in time,it makes it that much more
(23:51):
difficult for couples to havehonest conversations.
Now they're really just kind oflike, oh, we'll be okay.
Yeah, we're good, we're fine.
And the question is, but are youreally?
Are are you fine today?
Because that's one thing.
And then there's long-term fine.
Is it are you going to be finefive years from now, 10 years
from now?
(24:11):
Will you make it 10 years?
So these are the type ofconversations that I want
couples to have in more depth.
And so the book covers topics ofkids and family and social media
because that's not goinganywhere.
And there are couples that arebreaking up on social media.
And social media, I've heard alot of people say social media
(24:32):
ends relationships.
And here's my my my uh take onthat, people.
Social media does not endrelationships.
People end relationships, peoplewho allow themselves to
entertain things that are inbreach of your agreement.
That is what ends relationships.
So people have to decide howmuch exposure they can handle.
(24:56):
I know certain people who say,you know what, I'm not even
going to get on social mediabecause I know what's out there,
it's going to be tempting forme.
So I'm just going to leave italone.
That's called wisdom.
So you have to know yourself asa person and what you're willing
to allow into your relationship.
Because ultimately, if thatrelationship has two people in
(25:18):
it, then everything that does ordoes not happen in that
relationship is theresponsibility of those two
people.
So those are the type ofconversations that I'm really
encouraging more couples to havebefore they go any further.
SPEAKER_00 (25:33):
Yeah, because a lot of them just are planning the
wedding and talking about allthat part of it, not thinking
about anything past it.
SPEAKER_01 (25:40):
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And it's such a majorinvestment.
It's a major investment of time.
And when I think about theexpense that you know that
people spend to for weddings andengagement parties and pictures
and just the whole shebang, it'sa lot of money.
(26:00):
So my thinking is before you dothat, go through the workbook.
See if there are areas where thetwo of you need to work on it.
And if so, invest more.
And maybe you do need arelationship coach.
Maybe you need to go get sometype of therapy, whatever it is
that you need to do, but reallyput those enforcements in place
(26:21):
before you go any further.
And then that way you walk intoyour future feeling a lot more
secure.
Feeling, and of course, nothingis perfect, right?
We know that, but your chances,I want you to increase your
chances.
I'd really love to see thenumbers of divorce really begin
to decrease.
And I believe that that canhappen if people are really
(26:44):
coming from a more conscious uhperspective and really allowing
themselves to do the inner workand sharing that information
with their partner.
I do believe that that canhappen.
SPEAKER_00 (26:55):
Yeah.
I was I was gonna say, do youhave like a final comment that a
takeaway that you want people toleave with?
Is that would you say that is itor is there like more?
Um as you were saying it, itfelt like that.
SPEAKER_01 (27:08):
Well, you know, I feel, let's see.
Oh wow.
Uh one of my favorite quotes isto let love be your guide.
That would be one.
And you know, to really knowyourself.
Uh, there's another one of myfavorite quotes by Lao Tzu,
which is to know others iswisdom, but to know yourself is
(27:30):
enlightenment.
So I really encourage everyone,get to know yourself.
I know when people think aboutrelationships, they're always
focusing on getting to know theother person.
Really get to know yourself,stand in that power, and then
get to know your partner andreally share who you truly are
with them.
SPEAKER_00 (27:49):
Yes, sound advice.
All right.
Well, thank you very much.
And if you love this episode, besure to tell your friends about
it and rate it as well.
And thank you again, LaShawn,for being on.
Thank you so much for having me,Tamara.
All right, thanks everyone.
Bye.
Frank's off! Frank's off sex anddating engine kids.
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