May 27, 2025 • 49 mins
What if everything you thought you knew about male sexuality was incomplete? Beyond the cultural messaging that men should "get up, stay up, and get off on command," lies a rich landscape of physical, emotional, and mental dimensions rarely explored in mainstream conversations.
In this revealing episode, Caitlin V—renowned men's sex and relationship coach with nearly 900,000 YouTube subscribers—shares her revolutionary approach to addressing erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and performance anxiety. Rather than reaching for a pill or viewing these challenges as permanent conditions, Caitlin guides us through her holistic framework that begins with physical health but extends far beyond.
We explore how our internal narratives create either freedom or limitation in the bedroom, how unprocessed emotions manifest as physical symptoms, and why relationship dynamics directly impact sexual satisfaction. Caitlin debunks the common advice to "spice things up," suggesting instead that deep presence—truly being attentive to every touch, breath, and sensation—creates more profound sexual experiences than novelty alone.
The conversation takes fascinating turns through topics like contemporary sex education, emerging sex technologies, and the neuroscience of touch. Did you know specific nerve cells in our skin respond exclusively to gentle stroking, releasing bonding hormones that create the foundation for intimacy? Or that changing how you self-pleasure can dramatically improve sexual stamina?
Whether you're struggling with sexual difficulties, seeking to deepen your intimate connections, or simply curious about the complexity of human sexuality, this episode offers practical wisdom and a refreshing perspective. Caitlin reminds us that healthy sexual expression is our birthright—not just for personal fulfillment, but as a contribution to a better world. Taking the next step in your sexual journey, whether through education, communication, or seeking support, might be one of the most transformative choices you make.
http://trygroovething.com/caitlinv
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Caitlin V,renowned men's sex and
relationship coach, as well as aYouTube and TEDx sensation and
educator, and we'll be talkingabout overcoming ED, premature
ejaculation, performance anxietyand sexual confidence.
Thanks for joining me, caitlin.
Thank you, confidence.
thanks for joining me, caitlinthank you so much for having me
(00:28):
yeah, I, I mentioned um, Ihaven't heard of you until I
started googling.
And then, of course, you come,we pop up right away.
So you have a huge youtubefollowing, as I said, sensation
and the videos, like your, yourenergy is off the charts and,
like you, provide greatinformation.
So I'm super excited to haveyou on.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Thank you.
Yeah, it's a.
It's a real privilege to havethe platform that I have and uh
I've been at it for a long timenow, so very excited to uh be
able to share uh with youraudience and beyond.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Yeah, thank you again .
Speaker 2 (01:00):
And, um, do and do you want to just get started
with how I know you used to dopublic health education and
other stuff like that, and whatgot you into the sex side of it?
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Well, I knew from a very early age, like 14 years
old, that I was going to helppeople to enjoy sex more for a
living.
My parents kind of hoped thatit was a phase, and here we are,
more than 20 years later.
It was not.
I knew that for two reasons.
One I figured out how to givemyself orgasms when I was very
young, like around the age ofthree, and of course didn't know
(01:32):
there was anything like sexualabout that.
There's nothing like inherentlysexual about orgasms,
especially in children.
You're just like this body doesthis thing.
But then when I got to sex edand they started talking about
this disease focused, you know,pregnancy avoidance, model of
sexuality I couldn't help butthink there's so much more to
this.
I know that personally youcan't talk me out of the last 10
(01:53):
years, 12 years of experiencethat I've had with my own body
and now I'm excited to startsharing that with other people
and all we're going to talkabout is syphilis.
That doesn't track.
So I knew then that I was goingto do this for a living and I
wanted to share the experiencethat I'd had with other people.
But I also knew from my parentsand not a lot of people in my
(02:17):
family had a higher educationand there was a lot of pressure
on me to kind of like break thatbarrier and go to college and
get a degree and do a moresocially normalized and
acceptable path.
And so I went to school and Igot a bachelor's degree in
conflict studies.
I went on to get my master's inpublic health.
(02:39):
I went on to get a doctorate inpublic health, and that is when
I finally realized I needed toleave academia and work
one-on-one with folks orone-to-group or one-to-many as I
do now, but not up in the ivorytower in the institution.
I didn't want to be involved inpublishing papers anymore.
I wanted to actually help realpeople to enjoy what I think is
their birthright of sexualpleasure today, right now.
(03:00):
And so I left that.
I was asked to be on someoneelse's YouTube video that was on
the subject of squirting.
This is like 2015 or 2016.
So squirting in YouTube and theentire internet was a little
bit different, but squirting hasalways been a favorite subject
and that video did extremelywell on YouTube.
And then, all of a sudden, Ihad a big coaching practice.
(03:22):
I started my own YouTubechannel.
Like was to capitalize on a lotof that momentum, but I never
thought I was going to beworking with men in the way that
I have.
I thought I would work witheverybody men, women.
I am bisexual.
I worked with a lot of LGBTQIAfolks and then, because of the
subject of squirting and myYouTube channel kind of taking
(03:42):
off in the direction that it did, I ended up spending the last
10 years really focused on sexcoaching men and it's been an
amazing journey and such aprivilege to be able to do this.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I mean, in most women'sexperience there's probably some
that could use a little fewpointers.
So like this is definitelyneeded and I'm sure because of
your success on the YouTubechannel, obviously you can tell
that men yeah, they'reinterested in it.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
I mean, men want to get better at sex.
They want to be great at sex.
So much of the coaching andinformation out there is really
aimed at women.
You know, pelvic floorphysiotherapy is really aimed at
, like, the female pelvic floor,for good reason, right.
But there's there's this kindof underlying narrative around
men and male sexuality thatevery problem can be fixed with
(04:29):
a pill, and that's just not thecase.
Men are as complicated and asnuanced in their sexuality as
women are.
The story of men should just beable to want sex all the time.
Get up, stay up and get off oncommand.
This is not how it works.
And also we put this additionalpressure on men to also like be
experts at giving orgasms andunderstanding the female body,
(04:51):
despite giving them noinformation or education on how
to do that.
It's a lot of pressure on mento do all this sort it out and
be good at it.
And you know the guys that cometo me.
They're amazing because theyare willing to acknowledge that
sex, like anything else, is askill and you can get better at
it, and they're really earnestlyinvested in getting better at
it.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yeah, I had a previous guest who, because we
talked about, we're going totalk about ED, and he pointed
out, as he was a doctor and he'slike, a lot of people think
it's about health and heart, butit's really psychological Like
there's.
You know, like you said, themental pressure really causes it
more than anything else.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
And the brain is the largest sexual organ in all
bodies.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Yeah, yeah, do you want to?
Since I did bring up ED, do youwant to talk about, like, how
you coach people through thatpart of it, or like, what are
the biggest issues?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
So my system, whether it's premature ejaculation,
erectile dysfunction, delayedejaculation, mismatched libidos,
women who have troubleorgasming, like I, always move
people through the same systemand we always start with a
physical body right, because weED, especially if you start
waking up without erections oryou know you're not getting
(05:59):
erection.
Morning wood or erections whileyou're sleeping can be, and
often is, the first indicator ofa larger physical health issue.
So we start with the body.
Erections are the result of thecirculatory system, the
endocrine system, the nervoussystem, all of these things
working together.
And so if you're not gettinghard, especially when you're
(06:23):
alone masturbating, or firstthing in the morning, at least
on occasion, a few times a week,then you do need to go get
tested.
You do need to go get checked.
You know, ed is one of theprimary reasons that men go to a
physician to begin with andthen get diagnosed with diabetes
or high blood pressure or someother condition, and it's
because they didn't gopreventatively but they will go
(06:44):
when their sexual functioning isat risk.
So we start with the physicalbody, but we don't end there.
That's where a lot ofconversations end, especially
around male sexuality, and thenwe go to the mental game, the
mental body, the thoughts thatwe think about sex and sexuality
, the literal words that we useinside of our mind to tell
ourselves the story of ourselvesin bed, or of men and women, or
(07:08):
of people that were lovers, orperformance, the expectations
that we have for ourself.
Then we move on to theemotional body, you analyzing
and just allowing emotions.
So a lot of the time there's alot of like a backlog there that
(07:33):
we have to work through inorder for them to have, like
free-flowing erections or theability to control ejaculation,
etc.
And then I also go further thanthat.
I think about relationships.
Also, in the context of therelationship that we're in, is
there a lot of resentment?
Are there a lot of things thathave been unsaid?
Are there conversations that wejust feel like we cannot have?
(07:59):
All of these things areblocking flow, right, blocking
the flow of energy, blocking theflow of eroticism.
And then, societally, how wereyou raised?
Religion, your culture, yourfamily's expectations around sex
and relationships?
And then, beyond that,spiritually, does sex exist on a
spiritual plane?
(08:19):
Do you feel like it connectsyou to your partner in a
spiritual way, to somethingbigger than yourself, a sense of
unity, a sense of oneness?
And usually, as we're goingthrough those steps, we discover
a few things in each of thoserealms that benefit not just our
sexual performance or the waythat we experience our
(08:42):
relationship in the bedroom, butalso that have a wide range of
implications across our entirelife.
When we free up energy in oneplace, we free up energy in
another, and I like to thinkabout it all as flow.
Literally, if you think abouterections, it's like blood flow,
right.
Premature ejaculation is liketoo much intensity of flow of
(09:04):
ejaculate, and so I look at allof the different obstacles that
get in the way as things thatare preventing an easeful flow.
And when we get rid of thoseobstacles, our bodies are
actually designed to be sexual.
We are designed to connect withother people in this way, like
this is.
This is evolution at its finestis really about getting us to
(09:25):
mate and procreate, and so weget all rid of all these
obstacles.
We add some skills along theway, some practical know-how,
some tips and tricks, and thenwe let the body do what it was
designed to do.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, yeah, that's awesome.
When I first started this, Iwanted to help people too, like
that was the whole thing, and Iwas never like weirded out about
sex.
My family was, it was.
It was all okay from thebeginning.
So I was like one of the luckyfew like you were.
It was never like forbidden ortaboo or you know.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
I wouldn't necessarily say that it wasn't
forbidden or taboo in myhousehold.
I would say that we didn't geta lot of conversation about it
at all and I think whenhouseholds are silent that also
sends a message right that thisis something that we cannot talk
about, that you should not dothat.
You should keep to yourself.
And I definitely got themessage, especially from my
(10:16):
father, that this was somethingthat you do do, but you do it
sort of like in shame, privacy,secret, and you better not let
me catch you.
So I don't think I didn't havelike a permissive household.
I certainly didn't have like avery like warm and touchy, feely
house.
I mean I had a great parents.
They did their best, but Ididn't get a lot of like
(10:38):
platonic familial touch and youknow kind of these things that I
needed to learn later on.
And I think you know in thecategory in the field of
academia we say research isresearch.
Most of us are learning aboutwhat it is that we want to
understand for ourself.
And I think sexuality wassomething I had a very large
natural curiosity around, butnot a natural comprehension and
(11:00):
relationship with, and that iswhat led me to want to pursue it
professionally.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
And now that you say that maybeI wasn't, it wasn't, I mean it
was permissive, but it wasn't,wasn't shamed like you were
saying.
But yeah, definitely not astouchy feely either.
So, never mind, did you coverthe main, you said the main
stuff here.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Yeah, that's the process that anybody that comes
to me.
That's what we are workingthrough.
I found that each of thoselevels build on each other.
The physical body is the basisfor everything.
Everything happens in the body.
The brain happens in the body,so the thoughts happen in the
body.
You know, if you don't have abody, you don't have thoughts.
You don't have a body, youdon't have emotions.
You still get the spirituality,but I can't speak to how all
(11:44):
that exists.
No one can.
So we start with the body.
I also am a big fan of Stoicphilosophy, like ancient
Stoicism, and they say strongbody, strong mind.
So if we're going to buildtowards our mental and emotional
and spiritual capacities, wealso have to start with the body
.
The good thing about that isthat the body is often the
(12:04):
easiest place to start.
So for my guys with erectiledysfunction, I send them to a
doctor.
Let's get your physical healthchecked.
For my guys with prematureejaculation, I start changing
the way that they self-pleasure,the way that they masturbate.
A lot of guys that arefinishing too early are also
masturbating very, very quickly,furiously dry, with a tight
grip right.
They're masturbating in a waythat sex doesn't feel like or
(12:25):
look like when you're with apartner, and so we change the
way that they are masturbating.
We start to help them todevelop their own stamina so
that they can last longer whenthey're not with a partner, and
the mental and physical andrelational games are all
happening at the same time.
But instead just starting onreal 3D level with your body,
(12:45):
the way that you make love toyourself is really indicative of
the way that you're going tomake love to a partner.
So just start there, and then,of course, we build on from
there.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Okay, awesome, I know I'm gonna go backwards a little
bit, but since you did talkabout sex education earlier, is
there anything that you wouldredesign If you could like start
sex education from scratch,like, how would you do it?
Or what's one controversialthing to some people that you
would definitely add?
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Well, a couple of things, and I this is true for
schools, it's also true forparents Like the same advice I
would give to both.
Obviously, the way that it isdelivered looks a little bit
different, but I would say thebest way to think about sex
education is a conversation thattakes place frequently.
Too many people think about itas like a one-off Okay.
(13:33):
When they're going throughpuberty, you have a conversation
in which you explain periods,wet dreams, intercourse,
pregnancy, sti.
That's too much for oneconversation.
I've taught so many classes onsex and sexuality.
I used to be an educator forsmall conversation.
I've taught so many classes onsex and sexuality.
I used to be an educator forsmall groups.
I was an educator like ateaching assistant at Indiana
University, which is like homeof the Kinsey Institute, for
(13:53):
their sort of introductorysexuality class.
That was an entire semester atcollege level.
There's a lot to talk about andwhen you put so much pressure on
it being one or even twoconversations or one or two
classes, you know I remember wehad maybe fourth or fifth grade,
as I said, kind of relatedclass about periods and stuff,
one in middle school and thenone in high school, so a total
(14:16):
of three, which is good itwasn't absent.
It's not like we didn't havethat conversation at all.
I mean, certainly some people'sschools and educations and
parents don't have any kind ofeducation.
They just, you know, findthemselves bleeding one day and
wonder what the heck is going on.
But as parents too, making it afrequent conversation because
(14:36):
bodies change a lot you knowwhat's appropriate.
An age-appropriate conversationat the age of six looks a lot
different than at the age of 16.
But if you don't start havingthose conversations early on and
respecting bodies and using theappropriate names for genitals
and our body parts, we arefostering a relationship in
those children of their body asa mystery, maybe a source of
(15:00):
shame, maybe something that theycannot talk about.
You're setting them up forpotentially being even violated
or assaulted and feeling likethey cannot come forward and
talk about that.
If you have a real groundedconversation, or if you're
nervous to have that realgrounded conversation, but you
know that you're going to haveone every single year, you're
going to get better at it withpractice, just like anything
else.
So I think frequency reallymatters.
(15:23):
I think honesty, transparencyand depth really matters.
And then the other piece Iwould say is that pleasure
matters.
Teaching sex ed based on diseaseand avoiding pregnancy is like
teaching someone how to drive acar focused strictly on
accidents.
You know, most of us drive ourcars from point A to point B for
(15:43):
a reason that has nothing to dowith either getting into or
avoiding accidents.
Right, I drove my car threetimes this morning already and
at no point was I focused onaccidents.
Right, I'm focused on how to dothe things that make it so that
I can get to where I want to gosafely and enjoyably.
And sex is about pleasure.
Ultimately, it's very clear evenon a biological level that
(16:06):
people could say sex is aboutreproduction.
It's very clear even on abiological level that people
could say sex is aboutreproduction.
But there's way more pleasurehappens for human beings having
sex than reproduction happens,even without contemporary birth
control and preventive pregnancymethods.
So sex is about pleasure.
Let's talk about pleasure first.
Let's talk about why people dothis before we talk about some
of the negative consequencesthat come along with it, and so
(16:30):
don't buy into this.
Like you know, each person thatyou have sexual intercourse with
like takes a little piece ofyour soul, or you necessarily
are like blending energies orwhatever.
But I also think having aconversation that has us placed
at the center, like this, is forpleasure, especially for young
women, and that each time thatyou connect intimately with
(16:51):
someone, that there is like ablending of the two of you,
that's part of the pleasure.
And consider how it is and whenit is and why it is that you're
going to blend with people.
There may be people across yourlifetime that you blend with
once and people who you blendwith for decades.
There's nothing morally rightor wrong about either one.
(17:11):
It's just about moving withintentionality and the more that
you can ground thatconversation in like
self-respect.
I think that you're settingpeople up to be able to move
with care for themselves.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Yeah, I was going to say a lot of people talk about
the mechanics of it versus likethe emotional part of it and the
relationship side of it.
I do have a question Do youhave any of your clients
mentioned using like the AIdolls or the sex dolls or the
ones that look like people orlike?
Nowadays I guess they're prettypopular and they you can like
(17:43):
order someone to look just likewho you want.
Experienced or talked to people.
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
I was going to say I bet someone has tried to
configure me as a sex doll.
I know that there are AIwebsites where you can put a
picture of someone in and thenit imagines what they look like
naked.
And someone did tell me thatthey've done that and I was just
like you know what?
Just keep it to yourself.
I don't want to see it for somany reasons.
But then I'm curious becauseI'm like does it look like me
naked?
Like how good of a job doesthis thing do you know?
(18:09):
Does it know that I do Pilatesand I've got a really strong
core?
Do they give me abs?
And I was like, okay, let'sjust, we don't need to know
everything you know, let somethings want a relationship.
(18:33):
So I don't think that, uh, theAI girlfriends or dolls, uh, or
like the, the I mean the non AIsex dolls.
Uh, I will say, a bunch of sextoy companies have offered to
send me full size sex dolls,like you know, 80 pounds before.
And, um, yeah, I already havefour or five demo genitals that
we use in videos for variouscourses.
So I've just said, like, if yousend me an 80 pound sex doll,
you also have to pay forshipping it somewhere else,
Cause I'm not hanging onto it, Idon't have that much storage,
(18:53):
you know, in my apartment and Idon't know what I would do with
her.
Anyways, you know, but I havethought about having like a
contest on YouTube to say thatsomebody gets, I'll do, I'll do
the doll.
I a contest on YouTube to saythat somebody gets, I'll do,
I'll do the doll, I won't havesex with it, you know she'll be,
she'll remain untouched in thatway and then send it on to
anyone else.
But anyways, uh, your questionis about AI in the emergence of,
(19:17):
uh, artificial intelligenceinside of sex.
All technology across all time,uh, from the photograph to the
video camera, to credit cardprocessing on the internet to
high speed bandwidth, and now AIemerges right along with sex
and sexuality.
The reason that credit cardprocessing over the internet was
developed was because ofpornography.
(19:38):
Sex is always at the cuttingedge.
It's always driving technology,and the sex tech that exists
now is really interesting.
There's a lot of cool stuffhappening that can pair video
with toys or you can link synctoys together.
You can use the internet orBluetooth to control toys and
have different partneredexperiences, especially if you
live a distance away.
(19:59):
I think all of that is reallycool and really promising.
My thoughts on AI companionsare mixed, no-transcript AI's
(20:34):
case, I guess, something thatthat can be extremely inspiring.
I also worry about the epidemicof male loneliness and the
culture of isolation that exists, and I do have my concerns that
, because an AI girlfriend willnever reject you, because an, a
(20:54):
sex doll, will never reject you,you're not developing the
skillset that it was required toactually be in a relationship
with a person.
Right, because the AI doesn'thave needs.
The sex doll doesn't have needs.
They don't disagree with you.
They don't have have needs.
They don't disagree with you.
They don't have a mother.
They don't have a relationshipwith your mother.
There's so many things that aremissing that make real
relationships with real peoplechallenging but also make them
(21:15):
really rewarding.
I think that we're kind ofafraid of doing hard things
anymore as a society, and thatwhen it comes to sex and
relationships, it's hard thingsthat make everything else
worthwhile.
It's like doing challengingthings makes sex and
relationships what they are,which is these like truly
transformational, life-changinggrowth opportunities that every
(21:38):
single relationship represents.
So and I you know, I've alsoheard stories of men who are in
a sexless marriage and they'rein their sixties and they're in
their 60s and they're committedto staying together for
financial reasons, for theirkids.
They have no interest in endingtheir companionate relationship
, and he doesn't want to go outand see a sex worker or cheat,
and so he has a sex doll, afull-size doll, and that gives
(22:02):
him the sensation of having sexwith a partner and that that is
satisfactory to him.
That is how he is surviving thesexlessness in his marriage and
how he plans on moving throughthe next 20 years.
Would it work?
For me, necessarily no, but Ican't put myself inside of that
man's shoes.
I'm really glad that he hassomething that is working for
him.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Yeah, that response reminds me of I had an episode
on menopause and a lot of women.
You know it gets painful atsome point, so they just stopped
wanting to have sex.
And now that they know women doestradiol.
And there's this new thing thatHalle Berry was talking about,
in which I bought Joy Lux.
It's a red light that youinsert and it helps bring back
(22:42):
everything like it was and ittotally works.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
So yeah, it works for you, yeah it worked.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
She said it takes two weeks, and that's exactly what
happened for me too, oh, my god,that's amazing.
I'm a huge fan of red lighttherapy for external and
internal yeah, so I would do,and that's why men are having
sexless marriages because thewomen it hurts.
So the women don't, and theydon't talk about it with each
other, so they don't know why.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
That's why it stopped , potentially, but right, or
maybe it always hurt becausethey weren't ever doing foreplay
, and so when she finallyreached a point where she was
like I no longer am going to sayyes to this anymore, and he
didn't know how to make it feelgood for her throughout that
entire process, and she feelsrelief and he feels abandoned.
Or maybe there's a lot ofresentment in the relationship
(23:23):
around other things.
Maybe there was an emotionalaffair and there's a backlog of
things that never gotcommunicated about and, you know
, at one point we just decidedthat this is an acceptable state
of affairs and we're just goingto wait it out until we die.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
I guess it happens a lot, yeah for sure.
So one of your videos was aboutlike the seven things women
need from men are like the bestpart of sex for women, kind of
thing.
I can't remember the title, butit was very educational.
And the first thing was how awoman, how a man, makes a woman
feel is like the most importantthing, or like number one on
your list of seven.
(24:00):
And that just reminded me ofwhat you're talking about just
now, like how you've, how howboth people feel, I guess really
, yeah, it goes back to theemotional body.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
How are, how are we serving each other emotionally?
How emotionally engaged, howaware of our emotions do we feel
, you know?
Do you engage in emotionalcloseness as well as physical
closeness?
You know a lot of men touchwomen only because of sex.
They want sexual intimacy andthat's why they start touching
her and they don't do platonicor non-sexual touch throughout
the day.
(24:32):
We do something kind of similarwith our emotions.
We will go when we have like anemotional need.
But do we make emotional bidsand create emotional connection
when there isn't a need justbecause it feels good or it's
healthy or it sustains therelationship?
I think a lot of folks theydon't have any problem surfacing
stuff when they are upset,angry, unhappy.
(24:54):
But you know it's a lot morework but it's a lot more
rewarding to engage vulnerablyand say I'm experiencing a fear,
I'm experiencing an insecurityand we have to be safe too,
right?
I mean, there's a lot of womenout there and men who if their
partner went to them and saidI'm experiencing a fear and I
feel insecure, they may not bewilling to even hold that right.
(25:15):
You have to be a safe space forthat.
You can't just engagevulnerably with any relationship
.
You know, if there's a lot ofstuff that's stuck in the way,
it's going to be pretty hard todo that.
But ideally for a healthyrelationship you or your partner
could go and say to the otherI'm really struggling, and
(25:37):
here's why, because we've donethe work to name it and here's
how I need your support.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Yeah, yeah, my partner just moved in recently
and we've been going over likeum, our priorities and going
together like having likecheck-ins and stuff and seeing
how it's working for each otherand what we could do to improve,
like on our end, to improve forthem kind of thing.
How long have you been together?
Three years, long distance.
(26:06):
And then just recently moved inso so yeah, but yeah, it's
definitely, and so everythingyou're saying is like yeah, like
that's ideal and for the firsttime ever, I found a man that is
willing to do that kind ofstuff.
So the check-ins, yeah, andjust yeah, like talking about
the relationship and working onit, because I've in the past
it's always been like we'll getover it, like stop talking about
it.
Like stop talking about it LikeI want to just move on.
(26:26):
And that doesn't solve anything.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Yeah, I mean.
I always say that your romanticrelationship is one of the best
, largest variables in yourquality of life.
You can get a new job, you canmove across the country or the
world.
Many will come and go.
Friends make a tremendousdifference, but they also will
come and go.
Your family will get along withyou or desert you, or your
(26:49):
parents will die.
Your spouse and who you chooseto spend your life with, who you
choose to cohabitate with, whoyou maybe choose to have
children with, who you're goingto mostly for most people,
because they're monogamous onlyhave sex with that is the
biggest, most important decisionthat you could make.
But people think more about thekind of car that they're going
to buy than who it is that theywant to be married, to live with
(27:12):
, make kids with.
It's absolutely nuts to me,because you think about it for
very long.
Like this is not something thatwe should be leaving to chance
that yet most people do.
Or this is not something thatwe ought to be settling on and
yet most people do.
It's good enough.
Most people haven't done thethought work to say I need a
partner who I will best beserved in a relationship that I
(27:34):
want to feel this, this and thisand be loved in this, that and
that way, and I'm willing to putin the work on myself to get
there so that I can give it tosomeone else as well.
If we were doing this with ourtime, with our spare time, with
our free time, if we wereputting this kind of efforting
into our romantic partnershipsas opposed to, like, say, our uh
(27:54):
, getting another certificationor title at work or you know
whatever all the ways in whichpeople spend time that they
think is going to advance them.
Spending time in yourrelationship is going to advance
you 10x more than pretty muchanything else.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Yeah, yeah, I definitely agree.
And earlier, when you weretalking about like platonic
touch, I was.
I used to do stand up comedyand talk about sex.
So I would say the lovelanguages.
If you know, if the personyou're with love languages touch
, then obviously that's going tobe the thing you do.
But if they're words ofaffirmation and you want to have
sex with them, you probablyshould say nice things to them.
Yes, that too.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
But the thing about platonic touch, non-sexual touch
, is that in particular, gentlestroking between I think it's
one and 10 centimeters persecond is the math on that
actually lights up a specifickind of cell that exists only
inside of our skin, particularlythe skin that grows hair.
So anywhere that hair grows wehave these nerve cells that are
(28:51):
designed to respond to gentlestroking touch.
They don't respond to pain,they don't respond to poking,
they don't respond to scratching.
They have nothing to do withitching or prodding.
They're just there for gentletouch and probably they evolved
in us to support us bonding withother human beings and to
reward us for having physicalcloseness with other human
(29:14):
beings.
But what they do on abiochemical level is they
actually?
They release oxytocin, which isthe bonding hormone.
The more oxytocin that we havein our system, the more safety
and bondedness that we feel withanother partner, the more
likely that we are to feelaroused and want to have sex.
So yes, it's all of it, yes,also words of affirmation and
(29:35):
all of the ways in which, justlike emotional, mental, physical
, because I would say words ofaffirmation is mental and
emotional closeness as well,having closeness without having
too much familiarity, becauseyou know, as Esther Perel says,
like we can't want what isfamiliar, we don't want family,
we need to leave space formystery.
But having closeness that alsoleaves space for mystery is the
(29:59):
magic sauce, for sure.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with.
Yeah, her book Mating inCaptivity talks about that.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
And I wonder also you know like for people who are
recently cohabitating, you knowhow you maintain an air of
mystery with your boyfriend,even as you close some of the
places where you become morefamiliar, because you're just
like waking up and going tosleep in the same place?
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, Actually we watched.
Alex Ramosi also talks aboutmating and captivity and how his
relationship worked out muchbetter when they had more alone
time and time away to increasethe mystery.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Yeah, it's always about threading the needle right
, like I think, we all make themistake of having extreme and
black and white thinking, andthe answer is almost always the
middle path.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Yeah, yeah.
And is there anything else thatwe should cover the original
stuff we said we'd talk about onthe male sexuality and anxiety
and performance, or do you feellike your system covered that
and we can move to somethingelse?
Yeah, I think we can move tosomething else.
Okay, I do have, and we mightyou kind of covered this what's
(31:07):
a popular piece of advice in thesex relationship world that you
secretly disagree with or justthink is overrated Like not even
secretly, probably.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
The thing that I um am rubbed the wrong way by is
when people just say, like spicethings up, we just need to
spice things up.
The answer is almost never.
Take the same recipe thatyou've been cooking for 20 years
and use different spices.
Like it's not even a goodanalogy.
Spice things up.
(31:35):
What if you don't like redpepper flakes in your food, like
what?
I don't understand the spicethings up.
What you're actually lookingfor is reintroduce novelty.
What you're actually lookingfor is find our way back to
closeness, disrupt routine,engage something that feels new
and different.
But the thing that actuallymakes the biggest difference, in
my opinion, is being effingpresent, really being present
(32:02):
with the touch, the feel, theenergetic connection, the thing
that is happening with you and apartner choosing to be so
present and so attentive thatevery motion, stroke, touch,
gaze, breath is engaging youmore and more deeply in the
moment, in the experience.
Like that's hard right, thattakes work, dedication,
commitment, practice.
(32:23):
So instead we're just likemaybe grab some lingerie, a new
sex toy and learn how to tie arope, and that just drives me
nuts.
Spice things up is not the way.
Inject mystery, novelty, yes.
Inject presence, yes.
Come back to why we're doingthe thing that we're doing.
I am personally an experiencedchaser.
I've been to Burning man eighttimes.
(32:44):
I flew to Japan and Korea andBerlin and Lisbon and went to
Mexico City like all within sixmonths of each other.
Like I love new experiences andnew adventures If I get an
advertisement for like aadventure park or a balloon
exhibit or a pirate show aroundtown.
Like I want to go.
Love novelty and the mostrewarding things in my life are
(33:10):
the things that I havediscipline and commitment to.
So I work out two times a week.
I do Pilates no matter what I'mon the road.
I have to reschedule.
I move it.
I do Pilates two times a weekfor years now.
It's not an adventure, right?
If I wanted to do workoutadventures, I could do yoga and
then sculpt class and then heavylifting and then a HIIT workout
(33:31):
.
But no, I do the same thingtwice a week, every single week,
because I get deeper and deeperand deeper into the thing that
I am doing.
There's only so.
I mean, pilates is wide andvast and there is a lot you can
do, but after a few years likepretty familiar with the
movements, the exercises, themachinery.
Same is true for sex.
After a few years you're prettyfamiliar with what's options.
(33:54):
You know the movements, themachinery.
It doesn't mean that there'snot infinite more options that
you can go learn about.
But just because we're familiarwith going through these
motions doesn't mean that we'renot capable of getting more out
of them.
My body is different every timeI go and work out.
Your body is different everytime.
Your partner's body isdifferent every time you go to
have sex.
So there's so much more todiscover there.
But we have to be willing tobring discipline into the
(34:16):
bedroom and not make it justabout exploration but also have
sex, hold space for all of theseother things, and I think
that's pretty challenging for alot of folks who have a
relationship with sex that itfulfills a need uh, maybe at its
most base and it's just aboutlike getting off or feeling
connected or blowing off steamor releasing stress.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Yeah, yeah, I just went to Pilates this morning, so
I feel you on that.
Yeah, umates, yeah, do you wantto share how they can reach you
, how you want to get to amillion subscribers and what
that would mean to you?
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Yeah, well, it's funny.
I go back and forth on howimportant a million subscribers
is.
It's an arbitrary number.
At the end of the day, right?
The difference between 999,000and 1 million?
That subscriber doesn't meanany more or less than any other
subscriber and each subscriberthat you add to your channel or
your downloads, or your contentor your following, that
(35:12):
individual person matters morethan the number.
All day, and I realized thathaving a million subscribers on
a sex-related channel isculturally significant because
it means that people are willingto say yes.
I care to learn more about this,especially when it comes to men
and male sexuality.
It's also very relevant becauseit's relevant also because of
(35:34):
censorship.
It's hard to grow a socialmedia platform that talks about
adult subjects, even if it'seducational.
I think a lot of folks who areoutside of our industry don't
know this.
We cannot buy ads.
We get deplatformed on placeslike Instagram or Meta, just for
using biologically accurateterminology.
I'm not talking about porn.
(35:54):
I'm not talking about sexuallyarousing content Not that
there's anything wrong with that.
Then I'm not talking aboutpeople who are posting only fans
level content.
I'm talking about people likeyou and I who are sharing
educational information for themasses, the majority of people
in the world have sex.
The majority of all adults havea relationship with sex, even
if you identify as asexual.
(36:15):
So it's very relevant the slowgrowth that it takes to get to a
million subscribers.
When I started doing this 10years ago, I don't think I ever
thought I'd be here.
I think the internet was, likeI said, youtube wasn't the same
as it is today.
10 years ago it wasn't oneveryone's television.
People didn't consider it amain source of news or political
(36:36):
views or philosophy.
It has grown and YouTube issuch a beautiful and incredible
platform.
I'm so honored to be on it.
It also seems like one of theremaining safe spaces for people
to have conversations aboutthese subjects, so I hope that
it will, knock on wood, remainto be that way and, yeah, I am
(36:57):
slowly trekking my way to amillion subscribers.
At the time of recording, wehave 896,000.
It is a constant process.
It is a new territory.
Being an influencer wasn't a jobthat existed when I was growing
(37:18):
up.
It wasn't.
I mean, now kids, they want tobe on YouTube Like from
childhood.
They're like I want to be aYouTube star.
I didn't even have the internetLike we it.
Stuff has changed.
So it is really interesting tobe at the cutting edge and work
in a field that literally didnot exist before, uh, but it
also means that you'reconstantly kind of making it up
as you go and you're constantly.
(37:39):
You're constantly having to ebband flow with the movements of
this beast that is so muchbigger than any one of us.
That was not a Mr Beastreference, by the way, that was
a legitimate YouTube is thebeast.
Anyway, all of that said,anyone who's listening, who
enjoyed what I shared today orwants more information on men
(38:01):
and male sexuality, can go toYouTube and search for Caitlin V
.
I spell it C-A-I-T-L-I-N.
V as in victorious, but you canpretty much spell my name any
which way on YouTube and it willstill come up.
Just take a stab at Caitlin Vand you'll be able to find me.
And then, if you'd like tocheck out any of my courses, I
have full length courses fromyoni massage and squirting all
(38:21):
the way to the subjects wetalked about today delayed
ejaculation, prematureejaculation, erectile
dysfunction and then things likenipple orgasms and you know,
and thrusting in positions andhow to masturbate to last longer
.
And, by the way, we've got sucha wide and communication also
and sexual creativity.
There's a course on everythingfor pretty much everyone.
So if you're curious aboutthose, you can go to
(38:43):
CaitlinVNealcom or Caitlin youactually go to CaitlinVcom now
that I say that and you cancheck out any of my courses
there or there's links in all myYouTube videos that can take
you over there.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
Yeah, awesome, yeah, like I said, I definitely
checked it all out.
And do you have someone helpyou with the titles and stuff,
cause they're always supercatchy and, like, make you want
to watch, like you can?
Speaker 1 (39:03):
Oh, the YouTube it's a group, we're, we're a team.
So, uh, there's me and mydirector of operations and we
have a social media agency thatwe also work with.
Um, but I, I take a lot ofinspiration from, like, what's
working on YouTube right now.
Um, because I, because YouTubeis the neighborhood I live in, I
try to spend my time there aswell.
So, uh, we don't really dovideos that are like trending,
(39:25):
like the ice bucket challengewould be, you know like, or I've
never eaten a Tide pod, youknow like, I don't really do
that kind of stuff, but, uh, Ido like to see what people are
responding to and what's likecurrent and what people want to
talk about.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Um, and, yeah, thank you, I try to make everything as
uh, as interesting as possibleyeah, and I assume you don't use
, like you said you had dollsand different um stuff like
props versus actual people, likethere's no none of that going
on.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
So there's lots of actual yeah we do actual people.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Okay, yeah, I was.
Yeah, those are the ones Ididn't get to, apparently.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
And our courses like yoni massage, anal massage,
nipple gasm and lingam massage.
So yoni and lingam are vulvaand penis essentially, and we do
, and thrusting in positions, wedo real live sex positions and
we do like sex positionmodifications.
So how to add a pillow, how toadd a liberator wedge, how to
(40:20):
add, uh, how to use the size ofthe bed, the end of the bed If
you have a back condition, ifyou have a knee issue like, how
do we make these positionssustainable for everyone
involved?
Um, so that's really a deepdive on that.
Uh, the yoni massage and lingammassage are the ones and I
guess anal massage that have, um, that have real people and real
(40:41):
genitals on camera.
So that was a cool foray.
When we finally broke into that, we had to change our credit
card processor and a whole bunchof other stuff, because now
we're in a totally differentcategory.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah, yeah, because I know like OMGES does
educational videos like that aswell, but it's fairly new and
there's a subscription for that.
Yeah, omges is an awesome.
Awesome that as well.
But more um, it's fairly newand there's a subscription for
that.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yeah, omgs is an awesome, awesome resource as
well, and they really brokeground in making, uh, you know,
videos that includedself-pleasure and general touch,
educational, and they exist, Ithink, in this, in this space in
between content that's meant toarouse and content that's meant
to educate.
Yeah, and then make love, notporn, as well, as was supposed
(41:25):
to be, people that want toupload their own or I love that
because that's just like face uppeople orgasming right.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
I think it's just they're having sex.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
I haven't looked into it too much, but I know the
woman that created it wanted tohave like real people, like porn
, like how it really is insteadof, you know, like a lot of
young boys that think porn isyou know certain ways and they
do it that way, like she wantedto have real people having sex
no, I know there is a website itmay not be that one where you
could watch people just likejust their face up, um, and they
(41:55):
were having orgasms or inpleasure and it was so arousing
and I actually got to do aproject like that last weekend
for a groove thing, which is amusical pleasure device, sex toy
that I've been working on forthe last couple of years and
we're finally going to releaseit this summer on Kickstarter
and we got to record peopleusing it for the first time
(42:19):
while we sat in the other roomand watched them on video
monitors.
And, of course, this is allconsensual.
Everyone knows this is what'shappening.
They volunteered for this.
But watching people experiencethis device that I've been
integral in creating andexperience music as pleasure for
the first time, because nothingelse exists, there's no music
response, it even comes close.
(42:40):
It was such a turn on, sorousing, just to see people in
real, authentic pleasure.
It doesn't need to be, like youknow, slapping and pounding and
sinking and choking.
Those things can be veryarousing, but like actually
paring it down and just lookingat someone's face and the the
ways that their eyes roll backor they flush or they giggle or
(43:00):
they bite their lip Like that.
To me that's, that's.
That's more arousing thanpretty much anything else.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
If you don't mind, is it like the?
The music is made from the faceand the things that happen.
Or is there music and then it'smusic?
Speaker 1 (43:14):
like from your Apple or your Spotify or whatever you
um, you play music through yourphone and the phone connects to
both a speaker and a device andthe device can be inserted in
either a vagina or an anus andthere's also a clitoral sort of
like rubbing device as well, andthen that device actually plays
(43:35):
music.
So previously music responsivevibrators were like an on-off
thing.
They would go to the beat andthey go zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz.
But that's not music, right?
This actually plays music.
It actually uses a process thatif you were to hold this device
up to your ear, you could hearthe music and because of that,
(43:56):
all of the individualinstruments and the voices
resonate at like a differentfrequency and they vibrate at a
different frequency.
So, like bass, drum feels likemore traditional, what we're
used to, maybe like with a sextoy or vibrator, um, but then
you know the guitar and uh,keyboard or piano and
(44:17):
synthesizer and all of theseother things create this like
very different experience and itis like listening to music.
Through this you know yourgenitals through a pleasure
center, and for me I've alwayswanted to use I also DJ and do
some like ecstatic dance style,like DJing people through an
experience, making it atransformative experience like
(44:40):
coaching, but make it music andsound and movement.
And even before then, I'vealways loved music and felt like
music was a critical part ofour experience of ourselves and
pleasure, and it's very healingand I always wanted to be able
to use a vibrator that used likethe vibration of OM or the
chakra tones, like the rootchakra or the sacral chakra, and
(45:04):
so I had a friend make aprototype of this and then I
played WAP, because it was thesummer of Cardi B and Megan Thee
Stallion, and I was completelyblown away.
I put it on the back shelfbecause I did not know how to do
any materials manufacturing,product manufacturing and then I
met someone who had the sameidea and who also prototyped it
(45:25):
and had already.
He was an engineer, happened tobe, and had already taken it a
lot further and was ready to gointo production and I said I'm
joining the team, I need to be apart of what brings this to the
world.
And here we are, 18 monthslater and it's about to launch.
I'm very excited about that.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
That's awesome.
And what is the name of it?
Speaker 1 (45:41):
again, it's called groove thing.
You'll be able to find it onKickstarter this summer.
If you're on my email list,you'll get notifications.
I'll be posting a YouTube videoabout it when we get a little
closer to the launch date.
I think the website is try.
Well, I'll give you my umaffiliate URL because I want
people to sign up through mylink so that we know that they
(46:01):
heard about it through your show.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
Okay, yeah, that sounds good.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
The only thing that I want to say is that if you're a
man listening to this andyou're not sure about taking
another step whether that'scoaching or getting a course or
saying the thing that you wantto say out loud to your partner,
or doing additional research onkink or BDSM or Tantra whatever
interests you if you arereluctant or you're hesitant to
(46:25):
take that next step, this is myinvitation to do so.
It doesn't have to be a giantleap.
Just make sure that you'remaking progress in any direction
, because your sexuality is tiedto your wellbeing and it
matters.
It really matters.
It truly matters that you livea sexually expressed life.
It is better for all of us onthe whole planet.
(46:47):
Your sexuality is not inherentlydangerous or bad.
When you express itthoughtfully, carefully,
intentionally and with peoplewho are big hell yes to that you
improve all of our lives.
So please continue to do that.
Listen to digest content likethis.
Come check out my YouTube ifthis was interesting to you, but
(47:07):
continue to move forward anddon't just accumulate
information in your head.
Take it to your body and takeit out into the world.
Speaker 2 (47:14):
Thank you and I think I will leave it there because
it covered quite a bit.
And, like you said, check outyour YouTube youtube channel,
get those subscribers, anddefinitely worth it.
Like wait, like so we had to.
Watching that video was a goodconversation starter for us to
have, like a conversation weneeded to have.
But, like once we saw thevideos, I'm like, oh, any any
thoughts on that?
And then I was, oh, you andyour partner yeah.
(47:35):
So I was like, oh, I have athought on this, and so we
actually like it helped.
Yeah, it's been a good thing,so awesome yeah, I'm glad I can
help.
But yeah, if you love thisepisode, be sure to tell your
friends about it and rate it aswell.
And thank you, my pleasurefrank talk.
Speaker 1 (47:50):
Frank talk, sex and dating educate.
Thank you there.
Speaker 2 (48:35):
Thank you very much for being on all right.
Thanks everyone.
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Caitlin V,renowned men's sex and
relationship coach, as well as aYouTube and TEDx sensation and
educator, and we'll be talkingabout overcoming ED, premature
ejaculation, performance anxietyand sexual confidence.
Thanks for joining me, caitlin.
Thank you, confidence.
thanks for joining me, caitlinthank you so much for having me
(00:28):
yeah, I, I mentioned um, Ihaven't heard of you until I
started googling.
And then, of course, you come,we pop up right away.
So you have a huge youtubefollowing, as I said, sensation
and the videos, like your, yourenergy is off the charts and,
like you, provide greatinformation.
So I'm super excited to haveyou on.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Thank you.
Yeah, it's a.
It's a real privilege to havethe platform that I have and uh
I've been at it for a long timenow, so very excited to uh be
able to share uh with youraudience and beyond.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
Yeah, thank you again .
Speaker 2 (01:00):
And, um, do and do you want to just get started
with how I know you used to dopublic health education and
other stuff like that, and whatgot you into the sex side of it?
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Well, I knew from a very early age, like 14 years
old, that I was going to helppeople to enjoy sex more for a
living.
My parents kind of hoped thatit was a phase, and here we are,
more than 20 years later.
It was not.
I knew that for two reasons.
One I figured out how to givemyself orgasms when I was very
young, like around the age ofthree, and of course didn't know
(01:32):
there was anything like sexualabout that.
There's nothing like inherentlysexual about orgasms,
especially in children.
You're just like this body doesthis thing.
But then when I got to sex edand they started talking about
this disease focused, you know,pregnancy avoidance, model of
sexuality I couldn't help butthink there's so much more to
this.
I know that personally youcan't talk me out of the last 10
(01:53):
years, 12 years of experiencethat I've had with my own body
and now I'm excited to startsharing that with other people
and all we're going to talkabout is syphilis.
That doesn't track.
So I knew then that I was goingto do this for a living and I
wanted to share the experiencethat I'd had with other people.
But I also knew from my parentsand not a lot of people in my
(02:17):
family had a higher educationand there was a lot of pressure
on me to kind of like break thatbarrier and go to college and
get a degree and do a moresocially normalized and
acceptable path.
And so I went to school and Igot a bachelor's degree in
conflict studies.
I went on to get my master's inpublic health.
(02:39):
I went on to get a doctorate inpublic health, and that is when
I finally realized I needed toleave academia and work
one-on-one with folks orone-to-group or one-to-many as I
do now, but not up in the ivorytower in the institution.
I didn't want to be involved inpublishing papers anymore.
I wanted to actually help realpeople to enjoy what I think is
their birthright of sexualpleasure today, right now.
(03:00):
And so I left that.
I was asked to be on someoneelse's YouTube video that was on
the subject of squirting.
This is like 2015 or 2016.
So squirting in YouTube and theentire internet was a little
bit different, but squirting hasalways been a favorite subject
and that video did extremelywell on YouTube.
And then, all of a sudden, Ihad a big coaching practice.
(03:22):
I started my own YouTubechannel.
Like was to capitalize on a lotof that momentum, but I never
thought I was going to beworking with men in the way that
I have.
I thought I would work witheverybody men, women.
I am bisexual.
I worked with a lot of LGBTQIAfolks and then, because of the
subject of squirting and myYouTube channel kind of taking
(03:42):
off in the direction that it did, I ended up spending the last
10 years really focused on sexcoaching men and it's been an
amazing journey and such aprivilege to be able to do this.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Yeah, I can imagine.
I mean, in most women'sexperience there's probably some
that could use a little fewpointers.
So like this is definitelyneeded and I'm sure because of
your success on the YouTubechannel, obviously you can tell
that men yeah, they'reinterested in it.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
I mean, men want to get better at sex.
They want to be great at sex.
So much of the coaching andinformation out there is really
aimed at women.
You know, pelvic floorphysiotherapy is really aimed at
, like, the female pelvic floor,for good reason, right.
But there's there's this kindof underlying narrative around
men and male sexuality thatevery problem can be fixed with
(04:29):
a pill, and that's just not thecase.
Men are as complicated and asnuanced in their sexuality as
women are.
The story of men should just beable to want sex all the time.
Get up, stay up and get off oncommand.
This is not how it works.
And also we put this additionalpressure on men to also like be
experts at giving orgasms andunderstanding the female body,
(04:51):
despite giving them noinformation or education on how
to do that.
It's a lot of pressure on mento do all this sort it out and
be good at it.
And you know the guys that cometo me.
They're amazing because theyare willing to acknowledge that
sex, like anything else, is askill and you can get better at
it, and they're really earnestlyinvested in getting better at
it.
Speaker 2 (05:11):
Yeah, I had a previous guest who, because we
talked about, we're going totalk about ED, and he pointed
out, as he was a doctor and he'slike, a lot of people think
it's about health and heart, butit's really psychological Like
there's.
You know, like you said, themental pressure really causes it
more than anything else.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
And the brain is the largest sexual organ in all
bodies.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Yeah, yeah, do you want to?
Since I did bring up ED, do youwant to talk about, like, how
you coach people through thatpart of it, or like, what are
the biggest issues?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
So my system, whether it's premature ejaculation,
erectile dysfunction, delayedejaculation, mismatched libidos,
women who have troubleorgasming, like I, always move
people through the same systemand we always start with a
physical body right, because weED, especially if you start
waking up without erections oryou know you're not getting
(05:59):
erection.
Morning wood or erections whileyou're sleeping can be, and
often is, the first indicator ofa larger physical health issue.
So we start with the body.
Erections are the result of thecirculatory system, the
endocrine system, the nervoussystem, all of these things
working together.
And so if you're not gettinghard, especially when you're
(06:23):
alone masturbating, or firstthing in the morning, at least
on occasion, a few times a week,then you do need to go get
tested.
You do need to go get checked.
You know, ed is one of theprimary reasons that men go to a
physician to begin with andthen get diagnosed with diabetes
or high blood pressure or someother condition, and it's
because they didn't gopreventatively but they will go
(06:44):
when their sexual functioning isat risk.
So we start with the physicalbody, but we don't end there.
That's where a lot ofconversations end, especially
around male sexuality, and thenwe go to the mental game, the
mental body, the thoughts thatwe think about sex and sexuality
, the literal words that we useinside of our mind to tell
ourselves the story of ourselvesin bed, or of men and women, or
(07:08):
of people that were lovers, orperformance, the expectations
that we have for ourself.
Then we move on to theemotional body, you analyzing
and just allowing emotions.
So a lot of the time there's alot of like a backlog there that
(07:33):
we have to work through inorder for them to have, like
free-flowing erections or theability to control ejaculation,
etc.
And then I also go further thanthat.
I think about relationships.
Also, in the context of therelationship that we're in, is
there a lot of resentment?
Are there a lot of things thathave been unsaid?
Are there conversations that wejust feel like we cannot have?
(07:59):
All of these things areblocking flow, right, blocking
the flow of energy, blocking theflow of eroticism.
And then, societally, how wereyou raised?
Religion, your culture, yourfamily's expectations around sex
and relationships?
And then, beyond that,spiritually, does sex exist on a
spiritual plane?
(08:19):
Do you feel like it connectsyou to your partner in a
spiritual way, to somethingbigger than yourself, a sense of
unity, a sense of oneness?
And usually, as we're goingthrough those steps, we discover
a few things in each of thoserealms that benefit not just our
sexual performance or the waythat we experience our
(08:42):
relationship in the bedroom, butalso that have a wide range of
implications across our entirelife.
When we free up energy in oneplace, we free up energy in
another, and I like to thinkabout it all as flow.
Literally, if you think abouterections, it's like blood flow,
right.
Premature ejaculation is liketoo much intensity of flow of
(09:04):
ejaculate, and so I look at allof the different obstacles that
get in the way as things thatare preventing an easeful flow.
And when we get rid of thoseobstacles, our bodies are
actually designed to be sexual.
We are designed to connect withother people in this way, like
this is.
This is evolution at its finestis really about getting us to
(09:25):
mate and procreate, and so weget all rid of all these
obstacles.
We add some skills along theway, some practical know-how,
some tips and tricks, and thenwe let the body do what it was
designed to do.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Yeah, yeah, that's awesome.
When I first started this, Iwanted to help people too, like
that was the whole thing, and Iwas never like weirded out about
sex.
My family was, it was.
It was all okay from thebeginning.
So I was like one of the luckyfew like you were.
It was never like forbidden ortaboo or you know.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
I wouldn't necessarily say that it wasn't
forbidden or taboo in myhousehold.
I would say that we didn't geta lot of conversation about it
at all and I think whenhouseholds are silent that also
sends a message right that thisis something that we cannot talk
about, that you should not dothat.
You should keep to yourself.
And I definitely got themessage, especially from my
(10:16):
father, that this was somethingthat you do do, but you do it
sort of like in shame, privacy,secret, and you better not let
me catch you.
So I don't think I didn't havelike a permissive household.
I certainly didn't have like avery like warm and touchy, feely
house.
I mean I had a great parents.
They did their best, but Ididn't get a lot of like
(10:38):
platonic familial touch and youknow kind of these things that I
needed to learn later on.
And I think you know in thecategory in the field of
academia we say research isresearch.
Most of us are learning aboutwhat it is that we want to
understand for ourself.
And I think sexuality wassomething I had a very large
natural curiosity around, butnot a natural comprehension and
(11:00):
relationship with, and that iswhat led me to want to pursue it
professionally.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
And now that you say that maybeI wasn't, it wasn't, I mean it
was permissive, but it wasn't,wasn't shamed like you were
saying.
But yeah, definitely not astouchy feely either.
So, never mind, did you coverthe main, you said the main
stuff here.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Yeah, that's the process that anybody that comes
to me.
That's what we are workingthrough.
I found that each of thoselevels build on each other.
The physical body is the basisfor everything.
Everything happens in the body.
The brain happens in the body,so the thoughts happen in the
body.
You know, if you don't have abody, you don't have thoughts.
You don't have a body, youdon't have emotions.
You still get the spirituality,but I can't speak to how all
(11:44):
that exists.
No one can.
So we start with the body.
I also am a big fan of Stoicphilosophy, like ancient
Stoicism, and they say strongbody, strong mind.
So if we're going to buildtowards our mental and emotional
and spiritual capacities, wealso have to start with the body
.
The good thing about that isthat the body is often the
(12:04):
easiest place to start.
So for my guys with erectiledysfunction, I send them to a
doctor.
Let's get your physical healthchecked.
For my guys with prematureejaculation, I start changing
the way that they self-pleasure,the way that they masturbate.
A lot of guys that arefinishing too early are also
masturbating very, very quickly,furiously dry, with a tight
grip right.
They're masturbating in a waythat sex doesn't feel like or
(12:25):
look like when you're with apartner, and so we change the
way that they are masturbating.
We start to help them todevelop their own stamina so
that they can last longer whenthey're not with a partner, and
the mental and physical andrelational games are all
happening at the same time.
But instead just starting onreal 3D level with your body,
(12:45):
the way that you make love toyourself is really indicative of
the way that you're going tomake love to a partner.
So just start there, and then,of course, we build on from
there.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Okay, awesome, I know I'm gonna go backwards a little
bit, but since you did talkabout sex education earlier, is
there anything that you wouldredesign If you could like start
sex education from scratch,like, how would you do it?
Or what's one controversialthing to some people that you
would definitely add?
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Well, a couple of things, and I this is true for
schools, it's also true forparents Like the same advice I
would give to both.
Obviously, the way that it isdelivered looks a little bit
different, but I would say thebest way to think about sex
education is a conversation thattakes place frequently.
Too many people think about itas like a one-off Okay.
(13:33):
When they're going throughpuberty, you have a conversation
in which you explain periods,wet dreams, intercourse,
pregnancy, sti.
That's too much for oneconversation.
I've taught so many classes onsex and sexuality.
I used to be an educator forsmall conversation.
I've taught so many classes onsex and sexuality.
I used to be an educator forsmall groups.
I was an educator like ateaching assistant at Indiana
University, which is like homeof the Kinsey Institute, for
(13:53):
their sort of introductorysexuality class.
That was an entire semester atcollege level.
There's a lot to talk about andwhen you put so much pressure on
it being one or even twoconversations or one or two
classes, you know I remember wehad maybe fourth or fifth grade,
as I said, kind of relatedclass about periods and stuff,
one in middle school and thenone in high school, so a total
(14:16):
of three, which is good itwasn't absent.
It's not like we didn't havethat conversation at all.
I mean, certainly some people'sschools and educations and
parents don't have any kind ofeducation.
They just, you know, findthemselves bleeding one day and
wonder what the heck is going on.
But as parents too, making it afrequent conversation because
(14:36):
bodies change a lot you knowwhat's appropriate.
An age-appropriate conversationat the age of six looks a lot
different than at the age of 16.
But if you don't start havingthose conversations early on and
respecting bodies and using theappropriate names for genitals
and our body parts, we arefostering a relationship in
those children of their body asa mystery, maybe a source of
(15:00):
shame, maybe something that theycannot talk about.
You're setting them up forpotentially being even violated
or assaulted and feeling likethey cannot come forward and
talk about that.
If you have a real groundedconversation, or if you're
nervous to have that realgrounded conversation, but you
know that you're going to haveone every single year, you're
going to get better at it withpractice, just like anything
else.
So I think frequency reallymatters.
(15:23):
I think honesty, transparencyand depth really matters.
And then the other piece Iwould say is that pleasure
matters.
Teaching sex ed based on diseaseand avoiding pregnancy is like
teaching someone how to drive acar focused strictly on
accidents.
You know, most of us drive ourcars from point A to point B for
(15:43):
a reason that has nothing to dowith either getting into or
avoiding accidents.
Right, I drove my car threetimes this morning already and
at no point was I focused onaccidents.
Right, I'm focused on how to dothe things that make it so that
I can get to where I want to gosafely and enjoyably.
And sex is about pleasure.
Ultimately, it's very clear evenon a biological level that
(16:06):
people could say sex is aboutreproduction.
It's very clear even on abiological level that people
could say sex is aboutreproduction.
But there's way more pleasurehappens for human beings having
sex than reproduction happens,even without contemporary birth
control and preventive pregnancymethods.
So sex is about pleasure.
Let's talk about pleasure first.
Let's talk about why people dothis before we talk about some
of the negative consequencesthat come along with it, and so
(16:30):
don't buy into this.
Like you know, each person thatyou have sexual intercourse with
like takes a little piece ofyour soul, or you necessarily
are like blending energies orwhatever.
But I also think having aconversation that has us placed
at the center, like this, is forpleasure, especially for young
women, and that each time thatyou connect intimately with
(16:51):
someone, that there is like ablending of the two of you,
that's part of the pleasure.
And consider how it is and whenit is and why it is that you're
going to blend with people.
There may be people across yourlifetime that you blend with
once and people who you blendwith for decades.
There's nothing morally rightor wrong about either one.
(17:11):
It's just about moving withintentionality and the more that
you can ground thatconversation in like
self-respect.
I think that you're settingpeople up to be able to move
with care for themselves.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Yeah, I was going to say a lot of people talk about
the mechanics of it versus likethe emotional part of it and the
relationship side of it.
I do have a question Do youhave any of your clients
mentioned using like the AIdolls or the sex dolls or the
ones that look like people orlike?
Nowadays I guess they're prettypopular and they you can like
(17:43):
order someone to look just likewho you want.
Experienced or talked to people.
Oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
I was going to say I bet someone has tried to
configure me as a sex doll.
I know that there are AIwebsites where you can put a
picture of someone in and thenit imagines what they look like
naked.
And someone did tell me thatthey've done that and I was just
like you know what?
Just keep it to yourself.
I don't want to see it for somany reasons.
But then I'm curious becauseI'm like does it look like me
naked?
Like how good of a job doesthis thing do you know?
(18:09):
Does it know that I do Pilatesand I've got a really strong
core?
Do they give me abs?
And I was like, okay, let'sjust, we don't need to know
everything you know, let somethings want a relationship.
(18:33):
So I don't think that, uh, theAI girlfriends or dolls, uh, or
like the, the I mean the non AIsex dolls.
Uh, I will say, a bunch of sextoy companies have offered to
send me full size sex dolls,like you know, 80 pounds before.
And, um, yeah, I already havefour or five demo genitals that
we use in videos for variouscourses.
So I've just said, like, if yousend me an 80 pound sex doll,
you also have to pay forshipping it somewhere else,
Cause I'm not hanging onto it, Idon't have that much storage,
(18:53):
you know, in my apartment and Idon't know what I would do with
her.
Anyways, you know, but I havethought about having like a
contest on YouTube to say thatsomebody gets, I'll do, I'll do
the doll.
I a contest on YouTube to saythat somebody gets, I'll do,
I'll do the doll, I won't havesex with it, you know she'll be,
she'll remain untouched in thatway and then send it on to
anyone else.
But anyways, uh, your questionis about AI in the emergence of,
(19:17):
uh, artificial intelligenceinside of sex.
All technology across all time,uh, from the photograph to the
video camera, to credit cardprocessing on the internet to
high speed bandwidth, and now AIemerges right along with sex
and sexuality.
The reason that credit cardprocessing over the internet was
developed was because ofpornography.
(19:38):
Sex is always at the cuttingedge.
It's always driving technology,and the sex tech that exists
now is really interesting.
There's a lot of cool stuffhappening that can pair video
with toys or you can link synctoys together.
You can use the internet orBluetooth to control toys and
have different partneredexperiences, especially if you
live a distance away.
(19:59):
I think all of that is reallycool and really promising.
My thoughts on AI companionsare mixed, no-transcript AI's
(20:34):
case, I guess, something thatthat can be extremely inspiring.
I also worry about the epidemicof male loneliness and the
culture of isolation that exists, and I do have my concerns that
, because an AI girlfriend willnever reject you, because an, a
(20:54):
sex doll, will never reject you,you're not developing the
skillset that it was required toactually be in a relationship
with a person.
Right, because the AI doesn'thave needs.
The sex doll doesn't have needs.
They don't disagree with you.
They don't have have needs.
They don't disagree with you.
They don't have a mother.
They don't have a relationshipwith your mother.
There's so many things that aremissing that make real
relationships with real peoplechallenging but also make them
(21:15):
really rewarding.
I think that we're kind ofafraid of doing hard things
anymore as a society, and thatwhen it comes to sex and
relationships, it's hard thingsthat make everything else
worthwhile.
It's like doing challengingthings makes sex and
relationships what they are,which is these like truly
transformational, life-changinggrowth opportunities that every
(21:38):
single relationship represents.
So and I you know, I've alsoheard stories of men who are in
a sexless marriage and they'rein their sixties and they're in
their 60s and they're committedto staying together for
financial reasons, for theirkids.
They have no interest in endingtheir companionate relationship
, and he doesn't want to go outand see a sex worker or cheat,
and so he has a sex doll, afull-size doll, and that gives
(22:02):
him the sensation of having sexwith a partner and that that is
satisfactory to him.
That is how he is surviving thesexlessness in his marriage and
how he plans on moving throughthe next 20 years.
Would it work?
For me, necessarily no, but Ican't put myself inside of that
man's shoes.
I'm really glad that he hassomething that is working for
him.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Yeah, that response reminds me of I had an episode
on menopause and a lot of women.
You know it gets painful atsome point, so they just stopped
wanting to have sex.
And now that they know women doestradiol.
And there's this new thing thatHalle Berry was talking about,
in which I bought Joy Lux.
It's a red light that youinsert and it helps bring back
(22:42):
everything like it was and ittotally works.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
So yeah, it works for you, yeah it worked.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
She said it takes two weeks, and that's exactly what
happened for me too, oh, my god,that's amazing.
I'm a huge fan of red lighttherapy for external and
internal yeah, so I would do,and that's why men are having
sexless marriages because thewomen it hurts.
So the women don't, and theydon't talk about it with each
other, so they don't know why.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
That's why it stopped , potentially, but right, or
maybe it always hurt becausethey weren't ever doing foreplay
, and so when she finallyreached a point where she was
like I no longer am going to sayyes to this anymore, and he
didn't know how to make it feelgood for her throughout that
entire process, and she feelsrelief and he feels abandoned.
Or maybe there's a lot ofresentment in the relationship
(23:23):
around other things.
Maybe there was an emotionalaffair and there's a backlog of
things that never gotcommunicated about and, you know
, at one point we just decidedthat this is an acceptable state
of affairs and we're just goingto wait it out until we die.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
I guess it happens a lot, yeah for sure.
So one of your videos was aboutlike the seven things women
need from men are like the bestpart of sex for women, kind of
thing.
I can't remember the title, butit was very educational.
And the first thing was how awoman, how a man, makes a woman
feel is like the most importantthing, or like number one on
your list of seven.
(24:00):
And that just reminded me ofwhat you're talking about just
now, like how you've, how howboth people feel, I guess really
, yeah, it goes back to theemotional body.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
How are, how are we serving each other emotionally?
How emotionally engaged, howaware of our emotions do we feel
, you know?
Do you engage in emotionalcloseness as well as physical
closeness?
You know a lot of men touchwomen only because of sex.
They want sexual intimacy andthat's why they start touching
her and they don't do platonicor non-sexual touch throughout
the day.
(24:32):
We do something kind of similarwith our emotions.
We will go when we have like anemotional need.
But do we make emotional bidsand create emotional connection
when there isn't a need justbecause it feels good or it's
healthy or it sustains therelationship?
I think a lot of folks theydon't have any problem surfacing
stuff when they are upset,angry, unhappy.
(24:54):
But you know it's a lot morework but it's a lot more
rewarding to engage vulnerablyand say I'm experiencing a fear,
I'm experiencing an insecurityand we have to be safe too,
right?
I mean, there's a lot of womenout there and men who if their
partner went to them and saidI'm experiencing a fear and I
feel insecure, they may not bewilling to even hold that right.
(25:15):
You have to be a safe space forthat.
You can't just engagevulnerably with any relationship
.
You know, if there's a lot ofstuff that's stuck in the way,
it's going to be pretty hard todo that.
But ideally for a healthyrelationship you or your partner
could go and say to the otherI'm really struggling, and
(25:37):
here's why, because we've donethe work to name it and here's
how I need your support.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Yeah, yeah, my partner just moved in recently
and we've been going over likeum, our priorities and going
together like having likecheck-ins and stuff and seeing
how it's working for each otherand what we could do to improve,
like on our end, to improve forthem kind of thing.
How long have you been together?
Three years, long distance.
(26:06):
And then just recently moved inso so yeah, but yeah, it's
definitely, and so everythingyou're saying is like yeah, like
that's ideal and for the firsttime ever, I found a man that is
willing to do that kind ofstuff.
So the check-ins, yeah, andjust yeah, like talking about
the relationship and working onit, because I've in the past
it's always been like we'll getover it, like stop talking about
it.
Like stop talking about it LikeI want to just move on.
(26:26):
And that doesn't solve anything.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Yeah, I mean.
I always say that your romanticrelationship is one of the best
, largest variables in yourquality of life.
You can get a new job, you canmove across the country or the
world.
Many will come and go.
Friends make a tremendousdifference, but they also will
come and go.
Your family will get along withyou or desert you, or your
(26:49):
parents will die.
Your spouse and who you chooseto spend your life with, who you
choose to cohabitate with, whoyou maybe choose to have
children with, who you're goingto mostly for most people,
because they're monogamous onlyhave sex with that is the
biggest, most important decisionthat you could make.
But people think more about thekind of car that they're going
to buy than who it is that theywant to be married, to live with
(27:12):
, make kids with.
It's absolutely nuts to me,because you think about it for
very long.
Like this is not something thatwe should be leaving to chance
that yet most people do.
Or this is not something thatwe ought to be settling on and
yet most people do.
It's good enough.
Most people haven't done thethought work to say I need a
partner who I will best beserved in a relationship that I
(27:34):
want to feel this, this and thisand be loved in this, that and
that way, and I'm willing to putin the work on myself to get
there so that I can give it tosomeone else as well.
If we were doing this with ourtime, with our spare time, with
our free time, if we wereputting this kind of efforting
into our romantic partnershipsas opposed to, like, say, our uh
(27:54):
, getting another certificationor title at work or you know
whatever all the ways in whichpeople spend time that they
think is going to advance them.
Spending time in yourrelationship is going to advance
you 10x more than pretty muchanything else.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Yeah, yeah, I definitely agree.
And earlier, when you weretalking about like platonic
touch, I was.
I used to do stand up comedyand talk about sex.
So I would say the lovelanguages.
If you know, if the personyou're with love languages touch
, then obviously that's going tobe the thing you do.
But if they're words ofaffirmation and you want to have
sex with them, you probablyshould say nice things to them.
Yes, that too.
Speaker 1 (28:31):
But the thing about platonic touch, non-sexual touch
, is that in particular, gentlestroking between I think it's
one and 10 centimeters persecond is the math on that
actually lights up a specifickind of cell that exists only
inside of our skin, particularlythe skin that grows hair.
So anywhere that hair grows wehave these nerve cells that are
(28:51):
designed to respond to gentlestroking touch.
They don't respond to pain,they don't respond to poking,
they don't respond to scratching.
They have nothing to do withitching or prodding.
They're just there for gentletouch and probably they evolved
in us to support us bonding withother human beings and to
reward us for having physicalcloseness with other human
(29:14):
beings.
But what they do on abiochemical level is they
actually?
They release oxytocin, which isthe bonding hormone.
The more oxytocin that we havein our system, the more safety
and bondedness that we feel withanother partner, the more
likely that we are to feelaroused and want to have sex.
So yes, it's all of it, yes,also words of affirmation and
(29:35):
all of the ways in which, justlike emotional, mental, physical
, because I would say words ofaffirmation is mental and
emotional closeness as well,having closeness without having
too much familiarity, becauseyou know, as Esther Perel says,
like we can't want what isfamiliar, we don't want family,
we need to leave space formystery.
But having closeness that alsoleaves space for mystery is the
(29:59):
magic sauce, for sure.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with.
Yeah, her book Mating inCaptivity talks about that.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
And I wonder also you know like for people who are
recently cohabitating, you knowhow you maintain an air of
mystery with your boyfriend,even as you close some of the
places where you become morefamiliar, because you're just
like waking up and going tosleep in the same place?
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Yeah, Actually we watched.
Alex Ramosi also talks aboutmating and captivity and how his
relationship worked out muchbetter when they had more alone
time and time away to increasethe mystery.
Speaker 1 (30:34):
Yeah, it's always about threading the needle right
, like I think, we all make themistake of having extreme and
black and white thinking, andthe answer is almost always the
middle path.
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Yeah, yeah.
And is there anything else thatwe should cover the original
stuff we said we'd talk about onthe male sexuality and anxiety
and performance, or do you feellike your system covered that
and we can move to somethingelse?
Yeah, I think we can move tosomething else.
Okay, I do have, and we mightyou kind of covered this what's
(31:07):
a popular piece of advice in thesex relationship world that you
secretly disagree with or justthink is overrated Like not even
secretly, probably.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
The thing that I um am rubbed the wrong way by is
when people just say, like spicethings up, we just need to
spice things up.
The answer is almost never.
Take the same recipe thatyou've been cooking for 20 years
and use different spices.
Like it's not even a goodanalogy.
Spice things up.
(31:35):
What if you don't like redpepper flakes in your food, like
what?
I don't understand the spicethings up.
What you're actually lookingfor is reintroduce novelty.
What you're actually lookingfor is find our way back to
closeness, disrupt routine,engage something that feels new
and different.
But the thing that actuallymakes the biggest difference, in
my opinion, is being effingpresent, really being present
(32:02):
with the touch, the feel, theenergetic connection, the thing
that is happening with you and apartner choosing to be so
present and so attentive thatevery motion, stroke, touch,
gaze, breath is engaging youmore and more deeply in the
moment, in the experience.
Like that's hard right, thattakes work, dedication,
commitment, practice.
(32:23):
So instead we're just likemaybe grab some lingerie, a new
sex toy and learn how to tie arope, and that just drives me
nuts.
Spice things up is not the way.
Inject mystery, novelty, yes.
Inject presence, yes.
Come back to why we're doingthe thing that we're doing.
I am personally an experiencedchaser.
I've been to Burning man eighttimes.
(32:44):
I flew to Japan and Korea andBerlin and Lisbon and went to
Mexico City like all within sixmonths of each other.
Like I love new experiences andnew adventures If I get an
advertisement for like aadventure park or a balloon
exhibit or a pirate show aroundtown.
Like I want to go.
Love novelty and the mostrewarding things in my life are
(33:10):
the things that I havediscipline and commitment to.
So I work out two times a week.
I do Pilates no matter what I'mon the road.
I have to reschedule.
I move it.
I do Pilates two times a weekfor years now.
It's not an adventure, right?
If I wanted to do workoutadventures, I could do yoga and
then sculpt class and then heavylifting and then a HIIT workout
(33:31):
.
But no, I do the same thingtwice a week, every single week,
because I get deeper and deeperand deeper into the thing that
I am doing.
There's only so.
I mean, pilates is wide andvast and there is a lot you can
do, but after a few years likepretty familiar with the
movements, the exercises, themachinery.
Same is true for sex.
After a few years you're prettyfamiliar with what's options.
(33:54):
You know the movements, themachinery.
It doesn't mean that there'snot infinite more options that
you can go learn about.
But just because we're familiarwith going through these
motions doesn't mean that we'renot capable of getting more out
of them.
My body is different every timeI go and work out.
Your body is different everytime.
Your partner's body isdifferent every time you go to
have sex.
So there's so much more todiscover there.
But we have to be willing tobring discipline into the
(34:16):
bedroom and not make it justabout exploration but also have
sex, hold space for all of theseother things, and I think
that's pretty challenging for alot of folks who have a
relationship with sex that itfulfills a need uh, maybe at its
most base and it's just aboutlike getting off or feeling
connected or blowing off steamor releasing stress.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Yeah, yeah, I just went to Pilates this morning, so
I feel you on that.
Yeah, umates, yeah, do you wantto share how they can reach you
, how you want to get to amillion subscribers and what
that would mean to you?
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Yeah, well, it's funny.
I go back and forth on howimportant a million subscribers
is.
It's an arbitrary number.
At the end of the day, right?
The difference between 999,000and 1 million?
That subscriber doesn't meanany more or less than any other
subscriber and each subscriberthat you add to your channel or
your downloads, or your contentor your following, that
(35:12):
individual person matters morethan the number.
All day, and I realized thathaving a million subscribers on
a sex-related channel isculturally significant because
it means that people are willingto say yes.
I care to learn more about this,especially when it comes to men
and male sexuality.
It's also very relevant becauseit's relevant also because of
(35:34):
censorship.
It's hard to grow a socialmedia platform that talks about
adult subjects, even if it'seducational.
I think a lot of folks who areoutside of our industry don't
know this.
We cannot buy ads.
We get deplatformed on placeslike Instagram or Meta, just for
using biologically accurateterminology.
I'm not talking about porn.
(35:54):
I'm not talking about sexuallyarousing content Not that
there's anything wrong with that.
Then I'm not talking aboutpeople who are posting only fans
level content.
I'm talking about people likeyou and I who are sharing
educational information for themasses, the majority of people
in the world have sex.
The majority of all adults havea relationship with sex, even
if you identify as asexual.
(36:15):
So it's very relevant the slowgrowth that it takes to get to a
million subscribers.
When I started doing this 10years ago, I don't think I ever
thought I'd be here.
I think the internet was, likeI said, youtube wasn't the same
as it is today.
10 years ago it wasn't oneveryone's television.
People didn't consider it amain source of news or political
(36:36):
views or philosophy.
It has grown and YouTube issuch a beautiful and incredible
platform.
I'm so honored to be on it.
It also seems like one of theremaining safe spaces for people
to have conversations aboutthese subjects, so I hope that
it will, knock on wood, remainto be that way and, yeah, I am
(36:57):
slowly trekking my way to amillion subscribers.
At the time of recording, wehave 896,000.
It is a constant process.
It is a new territory.
Being an influencer wasn't a jobthat existed when I was growing
(37:18):
up.
It wasn't.
I mean, now kids, they want tobe on YouTube Like from
childhood.
They're like I want to be aYouTube star.
I didn't even have the internetLike we it.
Stuff has changed.
So it is really interesting tobe at the cutting edge and work
in a field that literally didnot exist before, uh, but it
also means that you'reconstantly kind of making it up
as you go and you're constantly.
(37:39):
You're constantly having to ebband flow with the movements of
this beast that is so muchbigger than any one of us.
That was not a Mr Beastreference, by the way, that was
a legitimate YouTube is thebeast.
Anyway, all of that said,anyone who's listening, who
enjoyed what I shared today orwants more information on men
(38:01):
and male sexuality, can go toYouTube and search for Caitlin V
.
I spell it C-A-I-T-L-I-N.
V as in victorious, but you canpretty much spell my name any
which way on YouTube and it willstill come up.
Just take a stab at Caitlin Vand you'll be able to find me.
And then, if you'd like tocheck out any of my courses, I
have full length courses fromyoni massage and squirting all
(38:21):
the way to the subjects wetalked about today delayed
ejaculation, prematureejaculation, erectile
dysfunction and then things likenipple orgasms and you know,
and thrusting in positions andhow to masturbate to last longer
.
And, by the way, we've got sucha wide and communication also
and sexual creativity.
There's a course on everythingfor pretty much everyone.
So if you're curious aboutthose, you can go to
(38:43):
CaitlinVNealcom or Caitlin youactually go to CaitlinVcom now
that I say that and you cancheck out any of my courses
there or there's links in all myYouTube videos that can take
you over there.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
Yeah, awesome, yeah, like I said, I definitely
checked it all out.
And do you have someone helpyou with the titles and stuff,
cause they're always supercatchy and, like, make you want
to watch, like you can?
Speaker 1 (39:03):
Oh, the YouTube it's a group, we're, we're a team.
So, uh, there's me and mydirector of operations and we
have a social media agency thatwe also work with.
Um, but I, I take a lot ofinspiration from, like, what's
working on YouTube right now.
Um, because I, because YouTubeis the neighborhood I live in, I
try to spend my time there aswell.
So, uh, we don't really dovideos that are like trending,
(39:25):
like the ice bucket challengewould be, you know like, or I've
never eaten a Tide pod, youknow like, I don't really do
that kind of stuff, but, uh, Ido like to see what people are
responding to and what's likecurrent and what people want to
talk about.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Um, and, yeah, thank you, I try to make everything as
uh, as interesting as possibleyeah, and I assume you don't use
, like you said you had dollsand different um stuff like
props versus actual people, likethere's no none of that going
on.
Speaker 1 (39:53):
So there's lots of actual yeah we do actual people.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Okay, yeah, I was.
Yeah, those are the ones Ididn't get to, apparently.
Speaker 1 (39:58):
And our courses like yoni massage, anal massage,
nipple gasm and lingam massage.
So yoni and lingam are vulvaand penis essentially, and we do
, and thrusting in positions, wedo real live sex positions and
we do like sex positionmodifications.
So how to add a pillow, how toadd a liberator wedge, how to
(40:20):
add, uh, how to use the size ofthe bed, the end of the bed If
you have a back condition, ifyou have a knee issue like, how
do we make these positionssustainable for everyone
involved?
Um, so that's really a deepdive on that.
Uh, the yoni massage and lingammassage are the ones and I
guess anal massage that have, um, that have real people and real
(40:41):
genitals on camera.
So that was a cool foray.
When we finally broke into that, we had to change our credit
card processor and a whole bunchof other stuff, because now
we're in a totally differentcategory.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah, yeah, because I know like OMGES does
educational videos like that aswell, but it's fairly new and
there's a subscription for that.
Yeah, omges is an awesome.
Awesome that as well.
But more um, it's fairly newand there's a subscription for
that.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yeah, omgs is an awesome, awesome resource as
well, and they really brokeground in making, uh, you know,
videos that includedself-pleasure and general touch,
educational, and they exist, Ithink, in this, in this space in
between content that's meant toarouse and content that's meant
to educate.
Yeah, and then make love, notporn, as well, as was supposed
(41:25):
to be, people that want toupload their own or I love that
because that's just like face uppeople orgasming right.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
I think it's just they're having sex.
Speaker 1 (41:33):
I haven't looked into it too much, but I know the
woman that created it wanted tohave like real people, like porn
, like how it really is insteadof, you know, like a lot of
young boys that think porn isyou know certain ways and they
do it that way, like she wantedto have real people having sex
no, I know there is a website itmay not be that one where you
could watch people just likejust their face up, um, and they
(41:55):
were having orgasms or inpleasure and it was so arousing
and I actually got to do aproject like that last weekend
for a groove thing, which is amusical pleasure device, sex toy
that I've been working on forthe last couple of years and
we're finally going to releaseit this summer on Kickstarter
and we got to record peopleusing it for the first time
(42:19):
while we sat in the other roomand watched them on video
monitors.
And, of course, this is allconsensual.
Everyone knows this is what'shappening.
They volunteered for this.
But watching people experiencethis device that I've been
integral in creating andexperience music as pleasure for
the first time, because nothingelse exists, there's no music
response, it even comes close.
(42:40):
It was such a turn on, sorousing, just to see people in
real, authentic pleasure.
It doesn't need to be, like youknow, slapping and pounding and
sinking and choking.
Those things can be veryarousing, but like actually
paring it down and just lookingat someone's face and the the
ways that their eyes roll backor they flush or they giggle or
(43:00):
they bite their lip Like that.
To me that's, that's.
That's more arousing thanpretty much anything else.
Speaker 2 (43:06):
If you don't mind, is it like the?
The music is made from the faceand the things that happen.
Or is there music and then it'smusic?
Speaker 1 (43:14):
like from your Apple or your Spotify or whatever you
um, you play music through yourphone and the phone connects to
both a speaker and a device andthe device can be inserted in
either a vagina or an anus andthere's also a clitoral sort of
like rubbing device as well, andthen that device actually plays
(43:35):
music.
So previously music responsivevibrators were like an on-off
thing.
They would go to the beat andthey go zzz, zzz, zzz, zzz.
But that's not music, right?
This actually plays music.
It actually uses a process thatif you were to hold this device
up to your ear, you could hearthe music and because of that,
(43:56):
all of the individualinstruments and the voices
resonate at like a differentfrequency and they vibrate at a
different frequency.
So, like bass, drum feels likemore traditional, what we're
used to, maybe like with a sextoy or vibrator, um, but then
you know the guitar and uh,keyboard or piano and
(44:17):
synthesizer and all of theseother things create this like
very different experience and itis like listening to music.
Through this you know yourgenitals through a pleasure
center, and for me I've alwayswanted to use I also DJ and do
some like ecstatic dance style,like DJing people through an
experience, making it atransformative experience like
(44:40):
coaching, but make it music andsound and movement.
And even before then, I'vealways loved music and felt like
music was a critical part ofour experience of ourselves and
pleasure, and it's very healingand I always wanted to be able
to use a vibrator that used likethe vibration of OM or the
chakra tones, like the rootchakra or the sacral chakra, and
(45:04):
so I had a friend make aprototype of this and then I
played WAP, because it was thesummer of Cardi B and Megan Thee
Stallion, and I was completelyblown away.
I put it on the back shelfbecause I did not know how to do
any materials manufacturing,product manufacturing and then I
met someone who had the sameidea and who also prototyped it
(45:25):
and had already.
He was an engineer, happened tobe, and had already taken it a
lot further and was ready to gointo production and I said I'm
joining the team, I need to be apart of what brings this to the
world.
And here we are, 18 monthslater and it's about to launch.
I'm very excited about that.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
That's awesome.
And what is the name of it?
Speaker 1 (45:41):
again, it's called groove thing.
You'll be able to find it onKickstarter this summer.
If you're on my email list,you'll get notifications.
I'll be posting a YouTube videoabout it when we get a little
closer to the launch date.
I think the website is try.
Well, I'll give you my umaffiliate URL because I want
people to sign up through mylink so that we know that they
(46:01):
heard about it through your show.
Speaker 2 (46:03):
Okay, yeah, that sounds good.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
The only thing that I want to say is that if you're a
man listening to this andyou're not sure about taking
another step whether that'scoaching or getting a course or
saying the thing that you wantto say out loud to your partner,
or doing additional research onkink or BDSM or Tantra whatever
interests you if you arereluctant or you're hesitant to
(46:25):
take that next step, this is myinvitation to do so.
It doesn't have to be a giantleap.
Just make sure that you'remaking progress in any direction
, because your sexuality is tiedto your wellbeing and it
matters.
It really matters.
It truly matters that you livea sexually expressed life.
It is better for all of us onthe whole planet.
(46:47):
Your sexuality is not inherentlydangerous or bad.
When you express itthoughtfully, carefully,
intentionally and with peoplewho are big hell yes to that you
improve all of our lives.
So please continue to do that.
Listen to digest content likethis.
Come check out my YouTube ifthis was interesting to you, but
(47:07):
continue to move forward anddon't just accumulate
information in your head.
Take it to your body and takeit out into the world.
Speaker 2 (47:14):
Thank you and I think I will leave it there because
it covered quite a bit.
And, like you said, check outyour YouTube youtube channel,
get those subscribers, anddefinitely worth it.
Like wait, like so we had to.
Watching that video was a goodconversation starter for us to
have, like a conversation weneeded to have.
But, like once we saw thevideos, I'm like, oh, any any
thoughts on that?
And then I was, oh, you andyour partner yeah.
(47:35):
So I was like, oh, I have athought on this, and so we
actually like it helped.
Yeah, it's been a good thing,so awesome yeah, I'm glad I can
help.
But yeah, if you love thisepisode, be sure to tell your
friends about it and rate it aswell.
And thank you, my pleasurefrank talk.
Speaker 1 (47:50):
Frank talk, sex and dating educate.
Thank you there.
Speaker 2 (48:35):
Thank you very much for being on all right.
Thanks everyone.
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