August 5, 2025 • 28 mins
What if the path to profound sexual connection begins long before anyone enters the bedroom? Christian de la Huerta, author of "Conscious Love: Transforming Our Relationship to Relationships," reveals how emotional awareness creates the foundation for sacred sexuality and deeper relationship satisfaction.
Most of us are surprisingly clueless about our emotions, suppressing them until they either erupt volcanically or manifest as physical ailments. Christian walks us through practical approaches to developing emotional intelligence, including a simple grid method to check in with yourself throughout the day. This awareness creates choice in how we respond rather than react, allowing us to take responsibility for our feelings instead of blaming others.
The conversation takes a fascinating turn as we explore how historical and cultural factors have separated sexuality from spirituality. In many ancient traditions, sexuality was considered sacred—a pathway to transcendence and union. Christian challenges the artificial divide between physical and spiritual realms, offering practical ways to reclaim the sanctity of sexual connection. He shares a delightful framework comparing sexual experiences to food—from "junk food sex" to "gourmet sex".
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Christian dela Huerta, an author who wrote
Conscious Love, transforming OurRelationship to Relationships,
and we'll be talking aboutemotional intimacy, sacred
sexuality and why being good inbed starts way before anyone
takes off their clothes.
Thanks for joining me,christian.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Hey, Tamara, so happy to be here with you, looking
forward to our conversation.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes, I think it's probably a much-needed
conversation, especially thelast point what brought you to
read a book or write a book?
Or, if you want to start withyour history or background?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, I mean, I've been doing coaching and retreats
for the last, I think, almost33 years, 34 years, even today,
like as I was thinking about it,what most people struggle with
is this whole area ofrelationships, and so I thought,
you know I do have some wisdomand practical wisdom to share
(01:03):
about that, about how toapproach relationships.
So that's what inspired thisparticular book, which is the
third book that I've written.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
All right.
And then the topic of theemotional intimacy.
You want to just jump rightinto that part, like what is so,
what's usually missing orwhat's needed around that area.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Awareness right and emotional intelligence, eq.
We are clueless.
Most of us are about ouremotions.
My dad was a psychiatrist, anda good one.
From what I hear, you know,people who used to see him said
you know he helped them, butwith his own emotions.
That man was clueless and ifyou would have asked me 30 years
(01:46):
ago, when I first started doingthis kind of work, what I was
feeling, I couldn't have toldyou because I had no idea what I
was feeling.
To numb them out in all thecreative ways that we do,
whether it's substances or foodor gaming or just even too much
(02:09):
exercise, can be ways that weuse to avoid thinking and
feeling that stuff doesn't goaway.
What used to be spiritualteaching that everything is
energy, now we know from quantumphysics that everything is
energy, even what feels solid,like this body or this chair
that I'm sitting on.
That includes the emotions.
Emotions, you could say it'senergy in motion.
(02:31):
So all those countless timesthroughout our lives when we
have suppressed what we werefeeling, we didn't feel safe
communicating what was going onwith us and in some cases we had
no idea.
You know, like me, we wereclueless about what was going on
with us and in some cases wehad no idea.
You know, like me, we wereclueless about what was going on
with us.
That stuff doesn't go away.
We can't sweep it under the rug.
(02:52):
It only gets worse, it festersunder the surface.
And that only can go two wayswe suppress, we suppress, we
suppress.
And then the next poor,unfortunate soul says something
to us the wrong way and boom,volcanic explosion, or suppress,
suppress, suppress.
That energy has to come out oneway or the other and it starts
(03:15):
seeping up and showing up asphysical symptoms disease,
cancer, heart attacks, ulcers,cancer, heart attacks, ulcers.
So we've got to increase our EQand learn how to communicate
what we're feeling responsiblyright.
We don't want to go around likea two-year-old having a total
meltdown and tantrum.
(03:36):
Like learning how tocommunicate our internal state,
what's going on with us, in away that it can be heard, in a
way that it can be received.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Yeah, and is there, are there techniques, I'm sure,
obviously to be able to becomemore aware of that and that
you've used with clients.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah, I'll tell you what I use and I have a version
of it now that I share withclients.
I had a grid.
You know one side of it it hadtime of the day, like every hour
, every two hours, whatever youwant to do and the other grid, I
put up maybe a list of 20emotions and my timer went off.
This is before you know.
We had iPhones and smartphoneswith built in time timers and
(04:20):
I'd check in with myself Am Ifeeling that, mm-mm?
Am I feeling that, mm-mm?
Am I feeling that Mm-mm?
Maybe?
And you know, I did that for acouple of weeks and it really
helped to become aware of whatwas going on with me day to day,
and that makes all thedifference.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Yeah, for your own, because I know they talk about
dysregulation and so you, likeyou said, don't blow up on your
partner or whoever you come incontact with.
So yeah, and then, well, youcan talk about your book as well
, or the sacred sexuality part.
I know you said there's achapter, so just kind of we can
cover however you want to do it,let's talk a little bit first
about to wrap up the emotions.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Another really key aspect of it is owning,
accepting, taking responsibilityfor the fact that they're our
emotions.
Right, nobody can make us feelanything.
And it's not to exonerate, tolook the other way, it's not to
excuse anybody's behavior,that's a separate conversation.
But our feelings are ourfeelings.
(05:21):
Same situation, you and I couldhave completely separate
emotional, completely differentemotional responses to it.
So it really behooves us totake the time to figure out
what's going on with us and whywe feel the way we do.
What are our triggers?
Because that's going to helpour relationships so much.
(05:44):
That's going to help ourrelationships so much because
most of us have been approachingour relationships completely
unconsciously.
You know, in many cases we'reeven like trying to fill needs
from childhood, stuff that wehaven't resolved and which we
then project on each other.
And if we're approaching arelationship which, to me,
(06:05):
unconsciously, which means we'rethinking that that relationship
is going to give us a sense ofwholeness, of completion, that
it's going to make us happy,forget it right there isn't
anybody out there who's going tomake us happy and it's not
their job to.
So how unfair to put thatresponsibility on another person
or on their relationship itself.
(06:26):
So if we're going to approach arelationship consciously,
meaning that we are clear thatonly we have the skill sets and
that we are responsible for ourown happiness, then there are
different levels of that.
Level one you could say youknow the other partner doesn't
(06:46):
want to play at that level, butenough of it works right.
Sex is good.
You cohabitate together, maybeyou co-parent well together, you
travel well together.
There's enough of it that works.
So we can say, okay, well, I'mgoing to stay.
I'm going to reclaim all thetime, all the effort, all the
(07:07):
energy, all the resources that Iwould otherwise be spending
looking for the one with quotes,and I'm going to focus all that
stuff on my own personal growth, which is ultimately, I believe
, what we're here for.
Ultimately, I believe, whatwe're here for.
Level three both beings arecompletely, fully realized,
(07:33):
fully aware of our unitaryconsciousness, our God essence,
whatever you want to call it.
So the relationship becomes thesacred dance where we mirror
that for each other.
I don't think we need to worryabout that one yet.
Let's go back to number two,which is actually the juicy one.
Let's go back to number two,which is actually the juicy one.
This is where both partners arein.
On this, they have an agreementthat they're going to use the
relationship as a way to speedup our process of healing.
(07:56):
Because if you want to shine alight on those blind spots that
are in the back of our head thatwe're never going to see in
ourselves, get a relationshipBecause we're so brilliant at
projecting onto each other thestuff that's also here inside of
us.
So if you want to do arelationship consciously, it's a
pretty safe bet that if it'sthere, it's here, and so then
(08:19):
the work of that relationshipand the more whatever they do
gets us, gets our goat, theyclear the sign that it's also
here, and it could lookcompletely different how we, how
we express that um, how westruggle with that.
And then we can use right that,the vehicle of the relationship
, the container of therelationship, to ask ourselves
(08:40):
you know why, why, why?
Why does that behavior or thatpattern or that situation
trigger me, when maybe somebodyelse that wouldn't get triggered
by it, and ask questions.
Ask questions like why do we,why do I keep repeating patterns
?
That sometimes feels like thesame boring movie, only with a
different co-lead.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Yeah, I was, I was gonna.
I had this exact situationhappen saturday night.
So I, for some reason and I youmight not be able to help, but
I just want to like relay.
Whenever I get dressed up, likewe got dressed up, went to
dinner, I get like meaner orlike more critical or something
when we're like walking andheading there and getting there
(09:24):
when I'm all dressed up for somereason I don't even know what
that but how to describe it butI just get like more nitpicky
and like less happy.
You know there's some kind ofblock or weirdness about it.
It's happened with otherrelationships, in this one.
And it's not a so somethingobviously happened.
It's not a question of beinglate, no, no, no, we had a
(09:45):
reservation and we were fine,but I mean, there was like we
parked in a parking garage whichwe went out the wrong exit.
I was, I took charge.
I start to take charge too isthe other thing.
He's perfectly capable.
But I started being like, oh,we have to go over here.
And he knew the way up, but Iwas like, oh, we have to go here
, so of course we had to walklonger.
I'm in heels.
I didn't like that part, sothat was probably the start of
(10:10):
it, but I just get nitpickierand meaner.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
So is it a power struggle, Like I'm right and
you're wrong kind of thing?
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Not with him as much in the past, for sure, but now
it's just more of I don't know.
I just I don't know, like somefeeling comes over me being
dressed up so I'm guessing yeah,I wish I knew, I wish I could
you know.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Like you say, it's subconscious blind spots, like I
don't know if there's a way tounlock that but you know,
regardless of the why, you havethe tools right, you have the
awareness, you know the pattern,you see it.
So next time, when you getdressed up, like you know, hyper
aware, right here it is, I'mdressed up, I'm, you know, hyper
aware.
Right here it is, I'm dressedup, I'm going out.
I have choice over how I feel.
I have choice over my emotions.
(10:51):
I have choice over my state ofbeing.
I have choice over what I say,when I say it, how I say it,
right.
So just bring yourself hyperpresent in those situations.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yeah, and that's actually what he regularly says.
Like you have a choice, I'mlike that's just how I am, which
a lot of people say, but he'slike no, and you said you have a
choice.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Yeah, you totally have a choice.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
When you're conscious , you totally have a choice.
All right, well, I may haveinterrupted part of the story.
No, that's cool, I just wantedto share an example.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
No, I think real.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Yeah, but you were talking about the level two and
then the three.
Were you going back to three?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No level three.
I don't think any of us reallyneed to worry about it yet.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah, especially if you're there.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
It's like pretty good .
Yeah, you're probably notlistening to a podcast or a
conversation about relationships.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, and then, since I asked about sacred sexuality
earlier, is it?
Speaker 1 (11:44):
time, yeah, whenever it's like my favorite thing to
talk about spirituality andsexuality Great combo.
Yeah, and it's understandable.
You know why?
That is because, as a culture,and even historically, and
(12:07):
definitely since the beginningof the patriarchy, because
before that sexuality wasconsidered sacred in the time of
the matriarchy, when thegoddess, the sacred feminine,
was honored, they didn't havethe split that we have between
the physical and the spiritual.
And so, in this morehierarchical era that we have
(12:28):
been, we have decided that thephysical is less than the
spiritual and we have split thatLike how much further could we
have placed the spiritual?
How much further from us andfrom the earth could we have
placed what we label asspiritual?
And where the hell is heavenanyway?
(12:48):
And so no wonder, you know, wehave ambivalence in this area.
You know, we've been soconditioned that sex I mean not
only the body is less thanbecause it's physical.
But then we animalized it andin the case of sexuality, we
(13:09):
demonized it, we turned it intosomething sinful, and so no
wonder we have sexual issues.
But what's really interesting,as we were talking about, is
that this is a relatively recentdevelopment in human history.
We haven't always felt likethis and believed these things
(13:30):
and there's so much evidence, asyou know, in many different
cultures all over the world thatsexuality in different
spiritual traditions isconsidered sacred, considered a
very valid path back to yoga,back to union.
In Taoism, for example, theyin-yang which we all know what
(13:50):
that looks like has elements ofboth.
It's an equal balance betweenthe masculine and the feminine
energies.
And in Hinduism there's aconcept called krity Prataki I
don't know how you pronounce it,it's something that I've only
read which talks about how, themore that we evolve spiritually,
(14:15):
the more that we begin toexhibit both the energies of the
masculine and the feminine thatcourse through all of us.
And that balance is part ofwhat we're talking about.
It's part of what needs tobalance if we're going to
re-sacralize our relationship tosexuality.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
And is there a way to go about that?
Or is it just once you're moreenlightened?
It just happens, or can youconsciously try?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Of course there's different practices that I talk
about in the book and that Italk about in my retreats on
relationships.
So, for example, I mean, as youknow, it all begins with
awareness.
We can't do anything about whatwe can't see.
So sacralize, like, bringintention to the act, to the
(15:02):
experience, intention to the actto the experience.
So, rather than approaching itas wham bam, thank you, ma'am,
or wham bam, thank you, man,like bring intention to it.
Like I say sacralize yourbedroom.
If there's one room in yourhouse that is not a mess, let it
be your bedroom.
Bring in your candles, yourincense, whatever it is that's
(15:25):
going to sensualize theexperience and intention.
Right, like, just plan it.
Like have some clarity aboutwhat you're doing, not just
getting off for the hell of it,and not to create a hierarchy of
sexuality, like sex for thesake of sex, there's nothing
wrong with that.
But if you want to, like I love, I love.
(15:47):
Annie sprinkles her take on this.
She says there's differentlevels of sex, just like there's
different levels of food, likehow we approach food, and she
talks about how, and she'stalking about more of an
american perspective, how inamerica you have, you know,
there's a McDonald's, a BurgerKing in every corner or Wendy's,
and so junk food is really,really available.
(16:12):
It tastes good but it's notreally good for you, it's not
very nutritional, and so that'sthe level that she compares as
junk sex, right, just sex forthe sake of sex compares as junk
sex, right, just sex for thesake of sex.
The wham bam, thank you man.
Then the second level is healthfood, right, where you have to
spend a little bit more time.
(16:33):
You have to read labels, youhave to go to certain stores or
certain aisles in certain stores.
You have to give it morethought, more consideration.
That's the level of sex as forhealth, and we know sex is
really healthy for us, not onlyphysically, but emotionally,
psychologically and at manydifferent levels.
(16:53):
And then she talks aboutgourmet food.
Right, like you have thisamazing meal.
That's really intentional.
That's not only about the kindof ingredients you're using but
how they go together.
You're thinking about textureand color.
The preparation becomesimportant.
That's the level of sacredsexuality, right, where we're
(17:18):
bringing a lot more intention toit.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Yeah, yeah, I can see where.
And are you saying?
You saying planet, meaning likelet's have that.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
We know we're going to do it at this time, this day,
and then, like, prepare and,like you said, with the candles,
yeah, at the very least, lighta candle right, make sure you're
there's not junk thrown allover your bed, like like, treat
it like I said, turn your bedand your bedroom into an altar
so that you remember, like, whatyou're going to do.
(17:50):
Yes, it's going to feel greatand it can be a profoundly
spiritual experience.
It's like I don't know aboutyou, but before I knew practices
like meditation or breathwork,the only time that I popped out
of my little separatepersonality, separate sense of
self, you know, the little egomind, was making love.
(18:10):
That was the only time that Igot to feel so in union with
somebody else, that I popped outof my sense of separation, my
sense of separation.
And so if we do that, if weapproach our lovemaking with
that intention, it'll changeeverything.
(18:35):
There's a book too that's one ofmy favorite books.
It's called the Universe is aGreen Dragon by Brian Swim,
who's a cosmologist, a physicist.
But this book is really easy toread, it's poetic, it's fun,
it's kind of a dialogue betweenteacher-student, and so he
applies some of the principlesthat govern the cosmos, the
stars, to the human experience.
(18:56):
Because, much to the surpriseof some of us, we are part of
the cosmos and so we are ruledby the same principles that rule
the stars.
So, for example, he talks aboutthe principle of cosmic
generosity and he talks abouthow a supernova, when a
supernova explodes and it givesup its form, it gives up itself
(19:19):
its identity, if you would whathappens?
Right, as a result of thatultimate act of generosity, suns
and moons and life occurs.
And he talks about how,literally like this isn't new,
agey or poetic stuff we are made.
99.999% of the atoms in ourbody are literally the same
(19:44):
atoms that are found in thestars.
So we can literally say that weare star beings, we are made of
star stuff.
So how do we apply that tosacred sexuality?
Right, if we approach it withintention, remembering that it's
not just about a wham bam, butthat sense of cosmic generosity,
(20:06):
and not in a doormatty sort ofway like right, like you know
how the energy is going to flowwhen we're more in the giving
call it masculine energy, forlack of another word the more
proactive which we're all goingto have, that energy is going to
fluctuate between the both ofus.
Then we're treating that otherbody, that other human being, as
(20:31):
if it was like an exquisiteStradivarius violin, like
helping that body find points ofpleasure that maybe they didn't
even know they had.
And then the energy fluctuates.
And now it's our turn to bemore in the receptive, call it
the feminine, and then we giveourselves in that way Right we
(20:51):
like, really give ourselves andallow ourselves to be, to
receive the pleasure.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yeah, and be out of your head.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Like so many people, are worried about all the things
going on in the day.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Oh my God.
And then all the performancestuff, the self-doubt, like
that's what gets in the way.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Yeah, yeah, and you didn't.
We didn't mention in the introbut the shame you talk about in
your book as well.
So that's, I guess that thatgets in the way.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, all the conditioning.
All the conditioning which youknow.
We started to talk about howsexuality was turned into
something bad, something evil,something sinful.
How can we feel good about thatif that's how we're approaching
it?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Yeah, yeah, and some people obviously were raised
that way, like you're saying, ormore and more people have been
raised that way in recent times.
So the last thing we talkedabout was being good in bed,
which I guess this is kind ofwhat you're saying like
approaching it in a sacred way,starts before the bedroom or
starts before you take yourclothes off.
Is that what you're like?
(21:55):
Yeah, is that what you're?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
getting at.
Yeah, like I also have asection in the book about the.
I think it's called Nine Stepsto being a Better Lover.
One of the steps is thatbringing in that awareness, that
consciousness of cosmicgenerosity.
Another one is sacralizing thespace, like not just taking it
(22:20):
for granted, approaching it withintention, like not just taking
it for granted, approaching itwith intention.
And one of them is to just letit be literally about making
love literally Right and again,not to create a hierarchy of sex
.
Sex for sport, great.
(22:41):
But if you want to take it tothe next level, if you want to
really become one, if you wantto transcend yourself and access
other amazing levels ofconsciousness, then sacralize it
.
Yeah, are you familiar or does?
(23:18):
Tra is a very small percentageof that and I don't know what
that number is, what percentage?
It is the Kundalini.
What's interesting about thatis the Kundalini is both the
spiritual energy and the sexualenergy.
So having that awareness,remembering that, knowing that,
helps to bridge that chasm right, that split between the
(23:41):
physical and the spiritual,realizing that it's artificial.
Like the indigenous people allover the world, they didn't have
that, that split.
To them, everything is sacred,you know, the clouds and the
rocks and the trees and thecreepy crawlies.
It's all sacred, including thegenitals.
(24:02):
And you know, if we're going togo even by the traditional
Western religions that claimthat God is omnipresent, well,
don't tell me then that God iseverywhere except for the
genitals and the bedroom.
Right, it doesn't make anysense.
It's either omnipresent or it'snot.
And if we're going to look atbody as temple, again, so many
(24:28):
traditions talk about body astemple.
The word temple comes from theancient Greek temenos, which
means something that containswithin it the sacred presence.
So if we remember that, wemight make different choices
about what situations we placeour bodies in and what we do
with them, and what we put intoour bodies as well.
(24:49):
And again, to me it's not aboutmorality or right or wrong.
For me it's honoring, likereally honoring our bodies and
our sexuality.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Yeah, for sure.
I'm a trained health coach too,so I'm right there with you on
what you've put in your body.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Exactly yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
And then was there more on.
I know you mentioned there werenine things to be better in bed
.
Was there more that you wantedto bring up, or some of it?
Speaker 1 (25:24):
I think we've alluded to a lot of it, not point by
point, but we definitely gotinto it.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, and then how can people work with you?
Speaker 1 (25:49):
How do they reach you if they want to get your book
or website your audience mightalso be interested in is
awakening the soul of power.
So how do we step into power ina way that's not about
hierarchy, control, fear, force,domination, manipulation?
How do we do it in a way thatdoesn't require that we push
anybody down, step on them inorder for us to feel powerful?
(26:11):
So more about power with,rather than power over and, and
great information about how toavoid getting stuck in power
struggles, which we've all donecountless times.
So, in terms of reaching me,the best way is my website,
which is soulfulpowercoms-o-u-l-f-u-l-p-o-w-e-rcom, and
(26:34):
from there they can email me oraccess social media, whatever
they want to do.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Okay, and then also, are there any takeaways you want
to make sure the listeners getfrom our session?
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Well, I guess two things Going within, right, if
you want to have relationshipsthat have a chance of working,
if you want to have a sense ofpersonal empowerment, if you
want to have lives that arefilled with meaning, with
purpose.
To me that's unavoidable.
You got to go within and knowyourself before you can even
(27:10):
love yourself, and you got tolove yourself before you can
even really love somebody else.
So that's step number one, andit's unavoidable and so
worthwhile, because that's wherethe keys to our happiness lie,
in every one of those areas.
And then the second one isworthiness.
Right, I've worked with so manypeople who have been stuck in
this misunderstanding, this liethat they're not good enough,
(27:33):
that they're not good enough,that that they don't, they're
not worthy of love, is like,come on, of course you are, and
I wish we had more time to divemore deeply into that but, but
those are the two things that Iwould say focus on, and you are
infinitely worth, worthy of love.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Yes, great message.
All right, well, thank you somuch for being on and if you
like this episode, be sure totell your friends about it and
rate it as well, and, of course,follow the show and check out
his book for sure.
All right, well, thank youagain, Thank you.
Tamara.
All right, Thanks everyone.
Bye.
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Christian dela Huerta, an author who wrote
Conscious Love, transforming OurRelationship to Relationships,
and we'll be talking aboutemotional intimacy, sacred
sexuality and why being good inbed starts way before anyone
takes off their clothes.
Thanks for joining me,christian.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Hey, Tamara, so happy to be here with you, looking
forward to our conversation.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Yes, I think it's probably a much-needed
conversation, especially thelast point what brought you to
read a book or write a book?
Or, if you want to start withyour history or background?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, I mean, I've been doing coaching and retreats
for the last, I think, almost33 years, 34 years, even today,
like as I was thinking about it,what most people struggle with
is this whole area ofrelationships, and so I thought,
you know I do have some wisdomand practical wisdom to share
(01:03):
about that, about how toapproach relationships.
So that's what inspired thisparticular book, which is the
third book that I've written.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
All right.
And then the topic of theemotional intimacy.
You want to just jump rightinto that part, like what is so,
what's usually missing orwhat's needed around that area.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Awareness right and emotional intelligence, eq.
We are clueless.
Most of us are about ouremotions.
My dad was a psychiatrist, anda good one.
From what I hear, you know,people who used to see him said
you know he helped them, butwith his own emotions.
That man was clueless and ifyou would have asked me 30 years
(01:46):
ago, when I first started doingthis kind of work, what I was
feeling, I couldn't have toldyou because I had no idea what I
was feeling.
To numb them out in all thecreative ways that we do,
whether it's substances or foodor gaming or just even too much
(02:09):
exercise, can be ways that weuse to avoid thinking and
feeling that stuff doesn't goaway.
What used to be spiritualteaching that everything is
energy, now we know from quantumphysics that everything is
energy, even what feels solid,like this body or this chair
that I'm sitting on.
That includes the emotions.
Emotions, you could say it'senergy in motion.
(02:31):
So all those countless timesthroughout our lives when we
have suppressed what we werefeeling, we didn't feel safe
communicating what was going onwith us and in some cases we had
no idea.
You know, like me, we wereclueless about what was going on
with us and in some cases wehad no idea.
You know, like me, we wereclueless about what was going on
with us.
That stuff doesn't go away.
We can't sweep it under the rug.
(02:52):
It only gets worse, it festersunder the surface.
And that only can go two wayswe suppress, we suppress, we
suppress.
And then the next poor,unfortunate soul says something
to us the wrong way and boom,volcanic explosion, or suppress,
suppress, suppress.
That energy has to come out oneway or the other and it starts
(03:15):
seeping up and showing up asphysical symptoms disease,
cancer, heart attacks, ulcers,cancer, heart attacks, ulcers.
So we've got to increase our EQand learn how to communicate
what we're feeling responsiblyright.
We don't want to go around likea two-year-old having a total
meltdown and tantrum.
(03:36):
Like learning how tocommunicate our internal state,
what's going on with us, in away that it can be heard, in a
way that it can be received.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Yeah, and is there, are there techniques, I'm sure,
obviously to be able to becomemore aware of that and that
you've used with clients.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
Yeah, I'll tell you what I use and I have a version
of it now that I share withclients.
I had a grid.
You know one side of it it hadtime of the day, like every hour
, every two hours, whatever youwant to do and the other grid, I
put up maybe a list of 20emotions and my timer went off.
This is before you know.
We had iPhones and smartphoneswith built in time timers and
(04:20):
I'd check in with myself Am Ifeeling that, mm-mm?
Am I feeling that, mm-mm?
Am I feeling that Mm-mm?
Maybe?
And you know, I did that for acouple of weeks and it really
helped to become aware of whatwas going on with me day to day,
and that makes all thedifference.
Speaker 2 (04:36):
Yeah, for your own, because I know they talk about
dysregulation and so you, likeyou said, don't blow up on your
partner or whoever you come incontact with.
So yeah, and then, well, youcan talk about your book as well
, or the sacred sexuality part.
I know you said there's achapter, so just kind of we can
cover however you want to do it,let's talk a little bit first
about to wrap up the emotions.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Another really key aspect of it is owning,
accepting, taking responsibilityfor the fact that they're our
emotions.
Right, nobody can make us feelanything.
And it's not to exonerate, tolook the other way, it's not to
excuse anybody's behavior,that's a separate conversation.
But our feelings are ourfeelings.
(05:21):
Same situation, you and I couldhave completely separate
emotional, completely differentemotional responses to it.
So it really behooves us totake the time to figure out
what's going on with us and whywe feel the way we do.
What are our triggers?
Because that's going to helpour relationships so much.
(05:44):
That's going to help ourrelationships so much because
most of us have been approachingour relationships completely
unconsciously.
You know, in many cases we'reeven like trying to fill needs
from childhood, stuff that wehaven't resolved and which we
then project on each other.
And if we're approaching arelationship which, to me,
(06:05):
unconsciously, which means we'rethinking that that relationship
is going to give us a sense ofwholeness, of completion, that
it's going to make us happy,forget it right there isn't
anybody out there who's going tomake us happy and it's not
their job to.
So how unfair to put thatresponsibility on another person
or on their relationship itself.
(06:26):
So if we're going to approach arelationship consciously,
meaning that we are clear thatonly we have the skill sets and
that we are responsible for ourown happiness, then there are
different levels of that.
Level one you could say youknow the other partner doesn't
(06:46):
want to play at that level, butenough of it works right.
Sex is good.
You cohabitate together, maybeyou co-parent well together, you
travel well together.
There's enough of it that works.
So we can say, okay, well, I'mgoing to stay.
I'm going to reclaim all thetime, all the effort, all the
(07:07):
energy, all the resources that Iwould otherwise be spending
looking for the one with quotes,and I'm going to focus all that
stuff on my own personal growth, which is ultimately, I believe
, what we're here for.
Ultimately, I believe, whatwe're here for.
Level three both beings arecompletely, fully realized,
(07:33):
fully aware of our unitaryconsciousness, our God essence,
whatever you want to call it.
So the relationship becomes thesacred dance where we mirror
that for each other.
I don't think we need to worryabout that one yet.
Let's go back to number two,which is actually the juicy one.
Let's go back to number two,which is actually the juicy one.
This is where both partners arein.
On this, they have an agreementthat they're going to use the
relationship as a way to speedup our process of healing.
(07:56):
Because if you want to shine alight on those blind spots that
are in the back of our head thatwe're never going to see in
ourselves, get a relationshipBecause we're so brilliant at
projecting onto each other thestuff that's also here inside of
us.
So if you want to do arelationship consciously, it's a
pretty safe bet that if it'sthere, it's here, and so then
(08:19):
the work of that relationshipand the more whatever they do
gets us, gets our goat, theyclear the sign that it's also
here, and it could lookcompletely different how we, how
we express that um, how westruggle with that.
And then we can use right that,the vehicle of the relationship
, the container of therelationship, to ask ourselves
(08:40):
you know why, why, why?
Why does that behavior or thatpattern or that situation
trigger me, when maybe somebodyelse that wouldn't get triggered
by it, and ask questions.
Ask questions like why do we,why do I keep repeating patterns
?
That sometimes feels like thesame boring movie, only with a
different co-lead.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Yeah, I was, I was gonna.
I had this exact situationhappen saturday night.
So I, for some reason and I youmight not be able to help, but
I just want to like relay.
Whenever I get dressed up, likewe got dressed up, went to
dinner, I get like meaner orlike more critical or something
when we're like walking andheading there and getting there
(09:24):
when I'm all dressed up for somereason I don't even know what
that but how to describe it butI just get like more nitpicky
and like less happy.
You know there's some kind ofblock or weirdness about it.
It's happened with otherrelationships, in this one.
And it's not a so somethingobviously happened.
It's not a question of beinglate, no, no, no, we had a
(09:45):
reservation and we were fine,but I mean, there was like we
parked in a parking garage whichwe went out the wrong exit.
I was, I took charge.
I start to take charge too isthe other thing.
He's perfectly capable.
But I started being like, oh,we have to go over here.
And he knew the way up, but Iwas like, oh, we have to go here
, so of course we had to walklonger.
I'm in heels.
I didn't like that part, sothat was probably the start of
(10:10):
it, but I just get nitpickierand meaner.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
So is it a power struggle, Like I'm right and
you're wrong kind of thing?
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Not with him as much in the past, for sure, but now
it's just more of I don't know.
I just I don't know, like somefeeling comes over me being
dressed up so I'm guessing yeah,I wish I knew, I wish I could
you know.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
Like you say, it's subconscious blind spots, like I
don't know if there's a way tounlock that but you know,
regardless of the why, you havethe tools right, you have the
awareness, you know the pattern,you see it.
So next time, when you getdressed up, like you know, hyper
aware, right here it is, I'mdressed up, I'm, you know, hyper
aware.
Right here it is, I'm dressedup, I'm going out.
I have choice over how I feel.
I have choice over my emotions.
(10:51):
I have choice over my state ofbeing.
I have choice over what I say,when I say it, how I say it,
right.
So just bring yourself hyperpresent in those situations.
Speaker 2 (11:01):
Yeah, and that's actually what he regularly says.
Like you have a choice, I'mlike that's just how I am, which
a lot of people say, but he'slike no, and you said you have a
choice.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Yeah, you totally have a choice.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
When you're conscious , you totally have a choice.
All right, well, I may haveinterrupted part of the story.
No, that's cool, I just wantedto share an example.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
No, I think real.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
Yeah, but you were talking about the level two and
then the three.
Were you going back to three?
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No level three.
I don't think any of us reallyneed to worry about it yet.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
Yeah, especially if you're there.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
It's like pretty good .
Yeah, you're probably notlistening to a podcast or a
conversation about relationships.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Yeah, and then, since I asked about sacred sexuality
earlier, is it?
Speaker 1 (11:44):
time, yeah, whenever it's like my favorite thing to
talk about spirituality andsexuality Great combo.
Yeah, and it's understandable.
You know why?
That is because, as a culture,and even historically, and
(12:07):
definitely since the beginningof the patriarchy, because
before that sexuality wasconsidered sacred in the time of
the matriarchy, when thegoddess, the sacred feminine,
was honored, they didn't havethe split that we have between
the physical and the spiritual.
And so, in this morehierarchical era that we have
(12:28):
been, we have decided that thephysical is less than the
spiritual and we have split thatLike how much further could we
have placed the spiritual?
How much further from us andfrom the earth could we have
placed what we label asspiritual?
And where the hell is heavenanyway?
(12:48):
And so no wonder, you know, wehave ambivalence in this area.
You know, we've been soconditioned that sex I mean not
only the body is less thanbecause it's physical.
But then we animalized it andin the case of sexuality, we
(13:09):
demonized it, we turned it intosomething sinful, and so no
wonder we have sexual issues.
But what's really interesting,as we were talking about, is
that this is a relatively recentdevelopment in human history.
We haven't always felt likethis and believed these things
(13:30):
and there's so much evidence, asyou know, in many different
cultures all over the world thatsexuality in different
spiritual traditions isconsidered sacred, considered a
very valid path back to yoga,back to union.
In Taoism, for example, theyin-yang which we all know what
(13:50):
that looks like has elements ofboth.
It's an equal balance betweenthe masculine and the feminine
energies.
And in Hinduism there's aconcept called krity Prataki I
don't know how you pronounce it,it's something that I've only
read which talks about how, themore that we evolve spiritually,
(14:15):
the more that we begin toexhibit both the energies of the
masculine and the feminine thatcourse through all of us.
And that balance is part ofwhat we're talking about.
It's part of what needs tobalance if we're going to
re-sacralize our relationship tosexuality.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
And is there a way to go about that?
Or is it just once you're moreenlightened?
It just happens, or can youconsciously try?
Speaker 1 (14:42):
Of course there's different practices that I talk
about in the book and that Italk about in my retreats on
relationships.
So, for example, I mean, as youknow, it all begins with
awareness.
We can't do anything about whatwe can't see.
So sacralize, like, bringintention to the act, to the
(15:02):
experience, intention to the actto the experience.
So, rather than approaching itas wham bam, thank you, ma'am,
or wham bam, thank you, man,like bring intention to it.
Like I say sacralize yourbedroom.
If there's one room in yourhouse that is not a mess, let it
be your bedroom.
Bring in your candles, yourincense, whatever it is that's
(15:25):
going to sensualize theexperience and intention.
Right, like, just plan it.
Like have some clarity aboutwhat you're doing, not just
getting off for the hell of it,and not to create a hierarchy of
sexuality, like sex for thesake of sex, there's nothing
wrong with that.
But if you want to, like I love, I love.
(15:47):
Annie sprinkles her take on this.
She says there's differentlevels of sex, just like there's
different levels of food, likehow we approach food, and she
talks about how, and she'stalking about more of an
american perspective, how inamerica you have, you know,
there's a McDonald's, a BurgerKing in every corner or Wendy's,
and so junk food is really,really available.
(16:12):
It tastes good but it's notreally good for you, it's not
very nutritional, and so that'sthe level that she compares as
junk sex, right, just sex forthe sake of sex compares as junk
sex, right, just sex for thesake of sex.
The wham bam, thank you man.
Then the second level is healthfood, right, where you have to
spend a little bit more time.
(16:33):
You have to read labels, youhave to go to certain stores or
certain aisles in certain stores.
You have to give it morethought, more consideration.
That's the level of sex as forhealth, and we know sex is
really healthy for us, not onlyphysically, but emotionally,
psychologically and at manydifferent levels.
(16:53):
And then she talks aboutgourmet food.
Right, like you have thisamazing meal.
That's really intentional.
That's not only about the kindof ingredients you're using but
how they go together.
You're thinking about textureand color.
The preparation becomesimportant.
That's the level of sacredsexuality, right, where we're
(17:18):
bringing a lot more intention toit.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Yeah, yeah, I can see where.
And are you saying?
You saying planet, meaning likelet's have that.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
We know we're going to do it at this time, this day,
and then, like, prepare and,like you said, with the candles,
yeah, at the very least, lighta candle right, make sure you're
there's not junk thrown allover your bed, like like, treat
it like I said, turn your bedand your bedroom into an altar
so that you remember, like, whatyou're going to do.
(17:50):
Yes, it's going to feel greatand it can be a profoundly
spiritual experience.
It's like I don't know aboutyou, but before I knew practices
like meditation or breathwork,the only time that I popped out
of my little separatepersonality, separate sense of
self, you know, the little egomind, was making love.
(18:10):
That was the only time that Igot to feel so in union with
somebody else, that I popped outof my sense of separation, my
sense of separation.
And so if we do that, if weapproach our lovemaking with
that intention, it'll changeeverything.
(18:35):
There's a book too that's one ofmy favorite books.
It's called the Universe is aGreen Dragon by Brian Swim,
who's a cosmologist, a physicist.
But this book is really easy toread, it's poetic, it's fun,
it's kind of a dialogue betweenteacher-student, and so he
applies some of the principlesthat govern the cosmos, the
stars, to the human experience.
(18:56):
Because, much to the surpriseof some of us, we are part of
the cosmos and so we are ruledby the same principles that rule
the stars.
So, for example, he talks aboutthe principle of cosmic
generosity and he talks abouthow a supernova, when a
supernova explodes and it givesup its form, it gives up itself
(19:19):
its identity, if you would whathappens?
Right, as a result of thatultimate act of generosity, suns
and moons and life occurs.
And he talks about how,literally like this isn't new,
agey or poetic stuff we are made.
99.999% of the atoms in ourbody are literally the same
(19:44):
atoms that are found in thestars.
So we can literally say that weare star beings, we are made of
star stuff.
So how do we apply that tosacred sexuality?
Right, if we approach it withintention, remembering that it's
not just about a wham bam, butthat sense of cosmic generosity,
(20:06):
and not in a doormatty sort ofway like right, like you know
how the energy is going to flowwhen we're more in the giving
call it masculine energy, forlack of another word the more
proactive which we're all goingto have, that energy is going to
fluctuate between the both ofus.
Then we're treating that otherbody, that other human being, as
(20:31):
if it was like an exquisiteStradivarius violin, like
helping that body find points ofpleasure that maybe they didn't
even know they had.
And then the energy fluctuates.
And now it's our turn to bemore in the receptive, call it
the feminine, and then we giveourselves in that way Right we
(20:51):
like, really give ourselves andallow ourselves to be, to
receive the pleasure.
Speaker 2 (20:57):
Yeah, and be out of your head.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Like so many people, are worried about all the things
going on in the day.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Oh my God.
And then all the performancestuff, the self-doubt, like
that's what gets in the way.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
Yeah, yeah, and you didn't.
We didn't mention in the introbut the shame you talk about in
your book as well.
So that's, I guess that thatgets in the way.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, all the conditioning.
All the conditioning which youknow.
We started to talk about howsexuality was turned into
something bad, something evil,something sinful.
How can we feel good about thatif that's how we're approaching
it?
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Yeah, yeah, and some people obviously were raised
that way, like you're saying, ormore and more people have been
raised that way in recent times.
So the last thing we talkedabout was being good in bed,
which I guess this is kind ofwhat you're saying like
approaching it in a sacred way,starts before the bedroom or
starts before you take yourclothes off.
Is that what you're like?
(21:55):
Yeah, is that what you're?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
getting at.
Yeah, like I also have asection in the book about the.
I think it's called Nine Stepsto being a Better Lover.
One of the steps is thatbringing in that awareness, that
consciousness of cosmicgenerosity.
Another one is sacralizing thespace, like not just taking it
(22:20):
for granted, approaching it withintention, like not just taking
it for granted, approaching itwith intention.
And one of them is to just letit be literally about making
love literally Right and again,not to create a hierarchy of sex
.
Sex for sport, great.
(22:41):
But if you want to take it tothe next level, if you want to
really become one, if you wantto transcend yourself and access
other amazing levels ofconsciousness, then sacralize it
.
Yeah, are you familiar or does?
(23:18):
Tra is a very small percentageof that and I don't know what
that number is, what percentage?
It is the Kundalini.
What's interesting about thatis the Kundalini is both the
spiritual energy and the sexualenergy.
So having that awareness,remembering that, knowing that,
helps to bridge that chasm right, that split between the
(23:41):
physical and the spiritual,realizing that it's artificial.
Like the indigenous people allover the world, they didn't have
that, that split.
To them, everything is sacred,you know, the clouds and the
rocks and the trees and thecreepy crawlies.
It's all sacred, including thegenitals.
(24:02):
And you know, if we're going togo even by the traditional
Western religions that claimthat God is omnipresent, well,
don't tell me then that God iseverywhere except for the
genitals and the bedroom.
Right, it doesn't make anysense.
It's either omnipresent or it'snot.
And if we're going to look atbody as temple, again, so many
(24:28):
traditions talk about body astemple.
The word temple comes from theancient Greek temenos, which
means something that containswithin it the sacred presence.
So if we remember that, wemight make different choices
about what situations we placeour bodies in and what we do
with them, and what we put intoour bodies as well.
(24:49):
And again, to me it's not aboutmorality or right or wrong.
For me it's honoring, likereally honoring our bodies and
our sexuality.
Speaker 2 (25:04):
Yeah, for sure.
I'm a trained health coach too,so I'm right there with you on
what you've put in your body.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Exactly yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
And then was there more on.
I know you mentioned there werenine things to be better in bed
.
Was there more that you wantedto bring up, or some of it?
Speaker 1 (25:24):
I think we've alluded to a lot of it, not point by
point, but we definitely gotinto it.
Speaker 2 (25:31):
Yeah, and then how can people work with you?
Speaker 1 (25:49):
How do they reach you if they want to get your book
or website your audience mightalso be interested in is
awakening the soul of power.
So how do we step into power ina way that's not about
hierarchy, control, fear, force,domination, manipulation?
How do we do it in a way thatdoesn't require that we push
anybody down, step on them inorder for us to feel powerful?
(26:11):
So more about power with,rather than power over and, and
great information about how toavoid getting stuck in power
struggles, which we've all donecountless times.
So, in terms of reaching me,the best way is my website,
which is soulfulpowercoms-o-u-l-f-u-l-p-o-w-e-rcom, and
(26:34):
from there they can email me oraccess social media, whatever
they want to do.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Okay, and then also, are there any takeaways you want
to make sure the listeners getfrom our session?
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Well, I guess two things Going within, right, if
you want to have relationshipsthat have a chance of working,
if you want to have a sense ofpersonal empowerment, if you
want to have lives that arefilled with meaning, with
purpose.
To me that's unavoidable.
You got to go within and knowyourself before you can even
(27:10):
love yourself, and you got tolove yourself before you can
even really love somebody else.
So that's step number one, andit's unavoidable and so
worthwhile, because that's wherethe keys to our happiness lie,
in every one of those areas.
And then the second one isworthiness.
Right, I've worked with so manypeople who have been stuck in
this misunderstanding, this liethat they're not good enough,
(27:33):
that they're not good enough,that that they don't, they're
not worthy of love, is like,come on, of course you are, and
I wish we had more time to divemore deeply into that but, but
those are the two things that Iwould say focus on, and you are
infinitely worth, worthy of love.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Yes, great message.
All right, well, thank you somuch for being on and if you
like this episode, be sure totell your friends about it and
rate it as well, and, of course,follow the show and check out
his book for sure.
All right, well, thank youagain, Thank you.
Tamara.
All right, Thanks everyone.
Bye.
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