July 22, 2025 • 30 mins
Ever wonder why incredibly smart, successful women keep falling for partners who are emotionally unavailable? This deep dive with relationship coach Bern Mendez uncovers the hidden patterns that trap intelligent women in unsatisfying relationships and offers practical ways to break free from these cycles once and for all.
Bern shares his journey from overcoming personal depression to helping hundreds of women transform their love lives through understanding both the neurochemistry of attraction and the emotional patterns established in childhood. He explains how our nervous systems can become addicted to the pursuit-withdrawal dynamics of unavailable partners, creating a biochemical response that feels intense but ultimately leads to heartbreak.
The conversation challenges popular beliefs about healing through relationships, with Bern advocating that "there's something powerful to be done about healing the best you can without the need to connect with human beings who push all your buttons." Instead of seeking partners who remind you of difficult parents, he suggests focusing on creating safety and genuine connection with those who align with your actual relationship goals.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Bern Mendes, adating and relationship coach,
and we'll be talking about howhe spent the past 14 years
helping smart, successful womenstop choosing emotionally
unavailable men and finallycreate deeply satisfying, sexy,
secure relationships.
Thanks for joining me, bern.
Oh, thank you so much forhaving me here, excited to be
(00:26):
here.
Yes, it's a great topic and Iknow lots of smart, successful
women that actually pickedpretty bad people, so it's very
relevant and I know it'sdefinitely true, as you've
experienced yourself.
So what got you into helpingwomen?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, it really started by helping humans and
then it translated into helpingwomen.
I was, at an early age, someonewho experienced depression in
my life and after finding asolution that was maybe
non-traditional, I got reallyexcited into helping others to
(01:05):
figure out ways to solveproblems, maybe in a
non-traditional way, and fromthere it developed into a
passion and from that there itdeveloped into a YouTube channel
and it just so happened thatthe majority of people who
listened to the stuff I wassharing were women, and I
(01:26):
started lots of conversationsand I started applying the
skills that I have for life intothe relationship arena and I
found it was really needed.
Number one and two veryfulfilling for me.
So it kind of startedorganically, and then I found
more and more ways to be morespecific about how to help women
(01:47):
experience this result.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Yeah, I can see how that would work.
Especially, I mean, helpingpeople helps you feel better.
So bottom line Do you want totalk about the non-traditional
stuff you figured out or justleave it more towards what
you're doing now?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Well, I mean, we can talk about both.
I think that, because there's afull circle experience, I guess
, uh, part of it has to do withunderstanding how I'm going to
go as meta as I can on this thelanguage that we have to
communicate to ourselvesdictates the quality of our life
.
That's one, and the other hasto do with a super broad term
(02:25):
would be the emotional statesthat we embody at any moment in
time, because I mean, there'slots of people and I'm sure you
know who are really intelligentbut don't get themselves to do
those intelligent things in waysthat are sustainable, because
they may be really upset all thetime, or most of the time, or
they're very dysregulated.
So part of this whole thingcame to how do we get ourselves
(02:49):
to be in a space, emotionallyand physiologically, where we
can tap into more of ourresources, and so that's kind of
how it started.
And then full circle now.
At that moment I was moreaverse to anything that had to
do with therapy, but I found out, lo and behold, that it's
(03:11):
incredibly helpful and usefuland needed in this day and age.
So my focus over the last fewyears has been really to get
myself into a space where I canunderstand how the brain works
and how trauma works, so that Ican help people, not as a
therapist because I'm not atherapist but in an informed way
where human beings can makedecisions and changes that would
(03:34):
have taken a lot longer, uh,much more powerfully.
I think there's somethingpowerful to be said about when
you understand that it's notsomething flawed inside of you,
but there's a pattern thatyou're repeating and you can
shift the pattern, then and it'sa removes shame from the whole
thing but also creates anopportunity to do something
really practical.
You know, it's like kind oflike playing chess If you don't
(03:55):
understand that the chess hasrules and that there's certain
moves for opening and for midgame and for end game, then you
just lose all the time.
But when you turn the lights onand then you start
understanding the theory ofchess and you start making
better moves, you understandpatterns, then you can start
winning.
And that's kind of like what Ilike to offer people an
opportunity to remove the shamefrom not having the relationship
(04:16):
that they want because nobody'staught them how to do it, and
give them some practical skillsthat allow them to experience a
new result.
And when you experience a newresult.
I think it's easier to keep themomentum and say, okay, well,
now maybe what else is possible?
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, that's awesome.
How do you work with especiallythe smart, successful men that
choosing bad people?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah, I mean.
Well, there's lots of ways towork with someone in that
situation.
I guess the first part ishelping them understand why it
is that they're making thosechoices.
I think there's a lot of peoplelook badly upon.
Maybe I don't know again, I'mnot sure if you've had any
friend that is a super smartwoman, very beautiful by all
(05:00):
standards and she just happensto go for bad boys to give you a
broad term or for someone who'sreally unavailable or someone
who is highly avoidant.
And I think the first part ishelping them understand first of
all what's happening.
You know, I think there's adynamic inside any type of those
connections that is very ithijacks your nervous system
(05:24):
because it creates a bit of anaddiction.
You know, when you wantsomething and you can't fully
have it, there's a part insideof you that wants it more, and
the more you go for it, the morethe person typically tends to
maybe avoid that situation.
It's like a bad thing.
I don't know if you've everheard like a microphone and
speakers interacting with eachother and the louder the
(05:44):
microphone, the speakers, theworse the microphone gets.
So that's the kind of loopwhere if you help someone
understand what's really takingspace without any.
You're doing it wrong, buthere's what's really happening.
And then help them find outokay, what is it that you really
want long-term?
And then you have a discrepancy, right, here's what I'm doing
and here's what I want.
So sometimes the first step ishelping someone understand their
(06:06):
blind spots.
Blind spots in terms of twothings.
Number one what's reallyhappening.
Because people we love to tellourselves stories.
I mean, you can hear people whoreally go deep onto many
different subjects, but when itcomes to relationships, a chip
maybe flares up and you givepeople 30,000 chances that you
wouldn't in any in business, youwouldn't do that.
(06:27):
But you just start coming upwith excuses because you want
something, you crave something,whether it's emotional
connection or sexual connection,or there's neurochemicals
taking place that really feelgood.
You start craving that.
So the first blind spot iswhat's happening, craving that
consideration.
So so the first blank spot iswhat's happening.
(06:47):
The second one is what'shappening inside of you, so that
through understanding whentriggers take place and
regulating differently, you canstart making new choices that
perhaps before were impossibleto make.
So there's a lot of that goingon, but also there's helping
someone have new experiencesthat feel safe and, in a way
(07:10):
gets a chance to rewire theexperience you know, because if
all you've learned maybe yougrew up in a house that was very
where nobody spoke truth, ormaybe you grew up in a home
where human beings were verydismissive, and that's the set
point you have for love.
And then you connect withsomeone and I see lots of women
(07:31):
doing this.
I mean men do this too, butsince I work with women, that's
the most vivid example that Ihave.
They connect with someone andthe guy is a very strong
reminder of their dad or theirmom, and they're not aware of it
, but they just there'ssomething so magical about him
Like no, there isn't.
He reminds you of your dad.
And when you get a chance tounderstand that and fully feel
(07:52):
it and start figuring out howyou can create deeper
connections with other people,then things start shifting for
the better.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, and do you think it's best to find someone
like your dad and heal it?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Or do you avoid people that remind you of the
person that's kind of causingthe triggers and trauma?
Something powerful to be doneabout healing the best you can
without the need to connect withhuman beings who really push
all your buttons?
And because people will still.
I mean, you'll still get thatexperience, you'll still get
triggered, but there's no needto connect with someone who's
(08:37):
reminding you of yourworthlessness on a daily basis
to overcome it.
I think you can.
Life is hard enough to dowithout it.
So I think it's better forpeople to take a little bit of a
step back and choose what it isthat they want.
I tell all my clients one of thethings that we human beings do
a lot is we hope for someone tofall head over heels in love
(08:57):
with us, and we're notnecessarily kind of even in love
with our own lives.
So, taking a step back andfalling in love with our lives
it doesn't have to be perfect.
You don't have to be fullyhealed I don't think anyone
fully ever gets there butthere's something to be said
about being in a space where youcan recognize your own stuff,
(09:17):
where you can see the truth inother human beings and when
presented with strong evidence,you know, about who somebody is
having the courage and theemotional fortitude to say
thanks but no thanks.
You know there's a beautifulpoem.
I think Wayne Dyer used to readit and I mean I won't go the
whole thing.
But the first one is you fallinto a hole.
(09:38):
You don't even realize it.
Second stage is you fall into ahole and you but now you
realize that you're falling intothe hole.
I mean you get to the end whereyou go through a different
street.
You don't have to go throughthe same street as a hole.
So I think that's everybody'slife.
I mean we make lots of mistakesand relationships are the space
where we get a chance to reallysee what's happening inside.
Because if you really want toput yourself in a situation
(10:01):
where all your skills will benecessary yourself in a
situation where all your skillswill be necessary that's an
intimate romantic relationship.
All your fears, all yourinsecurities, all your triggers
will flourish and you get achance to work on it.
So in a healthy relationshipthat will happen.
That's why I'm saying there'sno need to add extra backpacks
climbing Everest to ensureyou're a good climber.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, I've experienced bothsides, like the bad ones, toxic,
and then the good.
So yeah, definitely helpful andyou can have the same kind of
arguments but you actuallyresolve them and work together
and like get better after,instead of just having a toxic
loop of yelling at each otherconstantly and not hearing each
other.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Yeah, something powerful about having someone
who your life is better becauseof them, not despite them.
You know, and I think a lot ofpeople in relationships that
feel very intense which issomething we're craving but they
are not helping.
I mean, it's a negativeequation when I my clients
sometimes will say somethinglike, hey, but he's strong and
he's intelligent and look at it,Okay, so that's the positive
(11:07):
right.
And I basically, when I hearall the stuff that she's going
through as a result of theactions which are not healthy in
the relationship, I say what'splus five minus 10?
Oh, minus five, Okay.
Well, it's a negative equation.
Yeah, this guy has lots ofgreat things, but the things he
removes from your life arestronger than the positive ones,
at least in my assessment.
So it's worth noticing Negativeequations are not good in
relationships.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah, yeah, and when you say it sounds like you said
earlier people just ignore thered flags.
Is there a way to like avoidcertain things, or is it
individual?
Speaker 1 (11:36):
I think that there's ways to diminish the risk of
falling for red flags.
For example, if you take longerto get to know someone, the
likelihood that you'll beobjective will be greater than
if you rush into a relationshipreally early on.
I'm a big proponent of nothaving an exclusive relationship
with someone until you reallyfully know them.
A friendship has really starteddeveloping, you understand each
(11:57):
other's values, you've had thisagreement and have been able to
resolve it in some way.
So when you have more data,emotionally and logistically,
then it doesn't mean that youwon't fall for the red flag, but
it means that you're moreobjective.
Another thing that helps peopleto fall less for red flags is
radically slowing down thedegree of physical connection
(12:20):
with someone and sexualconnection.
Again, the biochemistry andthis is documented by lots of
really good scientists thattakes place when people have a
deep physical connection orsexual connection.
It's really it's.
It changes the way you operate,the way you view, the way you
view things, the way youevaluate life.
So what happens when youconnect with someone who seems
(12:41):
really exciting, really fun,really charismatic, tells you
the things you want to hear, andthen you have sex really early
on, and then you start fallingfor the person, not for the
qualities of that human being,but for the neurochemicals in
your system that are telling yougo for more of this, the
neurochemicals in your systemthat are telling you go for more
of this.
I think if you slow thosethings down, then also there's a
chance to see the red flagsmore powerfully.
(13:03):
And I think one more.
I would say one third thing youcan do is and I ask my clients
to do this keep a journal whenyou connect with someone and you
go on a date, when it's stillfresh, you go back home or in
your car, start thinking aboutthis, write a paragraph or two
in terms of what you noticed,how you felt, things that went
(13:23):
great, things that didn't gogreat, not to just put the
person on the microscope, butfor you to recognize more in
real time.
Hey, there was this joke thatwas not really funny, it was
kind of intense.
And now that I take the time, Ifelt disrespected or I felt sad
or I felt angry, whatever it is.
And then, when you have thatdata, then what happens?
(13:44):
If you choose to have a nextdate with that person, you can
bring it up in a healthy way.
Say, hey, the other day, whenthis is what I remember about
what happened and here's how Ifelt and here's what I want.
Then the person can either begreat about it and improve, or
can push it back on you, or cantry to gaslight you and say that
you imagine the whole thing andyou have it written down.
So you didn't imagine it, youknow.
(14:05):
So if you do those three things, they sound simple but they can
radically shift the viewpointof falling for someone with tons
of red flags or maybe not tons,but maybe some, some red flags
that are significant in nature,to make sure that relationship
is, uh, really painful.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, yeah.
And you, you mentioned also umabout sometimes women.
We find the the nice guys areboring.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Well, here's the thing.
Uh, I I've never a proponent ofwomen or men connecting with
someone that they don't feelchemistry for once they get to
know them.
I am a proponent of not seekingthat thrill from the first
moment.
And we live in a society that,through no fault of our own,
instant gratification society.
(14:54):
And if you remember the first,I mean you're around my age, I
think I'm 49.
So I think I mean I've heardyou talk in an episode, I mean
you're close to my age and Ithink one of the things that
we've heard and seen is, I mean,think about Cinderella and
think about Snow White, thinkabout any type love at first
sight.
Heart bursts open.
You go tell your mom I met theguy I'm going to marry.
(15:15):
Do you know him?
No, but I just know it in myheart.
That type of experience isreally deep down in our psyche.
So when you connect withsomeone and there's no fireworks
, a lot of people say well, notmy type, or oh, this is boring,
or this is not going to be funenough, or there's no chemistry.
And I'm a proponent of gettinga chance to get someone, get to
know someone for deeper, alittle longer, at least three
(15:38):
dates if there's no red flagsand then make a decision.
If you're not feeling strongerabout the person, if you're
feeling no more chemistry, thenchoose to not see them.
But if you feel a little bitmore, then there's like a flame
of a candle that can last longversus the firecracker that
explodes and doesn't last.
That's part of it.
Now there are human beings whoare more on the category of
(15:59):
boring, and I agree with that.
Also, there's people who arenot boring.
They have a safety mechanismthat doesn't resonate with the
failure-seeking or with theexperience you have, as we
talked earlier, at the set pointof disruptive, you know, call
home.
So when you connect withsomeone like that, if you
(16:19):
haven't fully evaluated that,then it's not that the person is
boring is that you're notnecessarily getting the
rejection you were getting, thatyou're used to.
That feels like home.
So you're like, well, this isnot.
I mean, there's no drama hereLike, what's the point here?
You know, and obviously this isnot something that's logical no
one thinks this guy's notdramatic, so it's boring.
(16:41):
Just think that he's boring.
So that's why slowing down inthe process of dating really
matters, not just for notfalling for your flags, but also
to give people a chance.
So that's part of what you cando.
Another thing you can do issince you have nothing to lose.
I mean, typically I hear fromwomen who have a really easy
time being their full selveswith someone they're not super
(17:03):
attracted to.
But when the guy that they deemreally, they put him on a
pedestal and they don't sharethe truth and they almost like
want they really want to beliked by him.
So, since you already havenothing to lose right now,
because you're probably notfeeling super triggered or lack
of confidence by this man, thenbe more vulnerable, be slightly
more vulnerable, express a bitmore of who you are, ask deeper
(17:24):
questions, open ended questionsthat maybe put more of you on
the line, and when there's morevulnerability, maybe something
happens that that activates apart of that person who is
listening to you in ways thatyou haven't been listened to
before or share something thatstrikes you as profound and
meaningful.
(17:45):
So I've had clients who metsomeone and the first date or
two dates were like I don't knowabout him and I said, come on,
give me one, one more, and theyended up getting married and
have very fulfilling lives andthey, they share with me.
I mean, I had someone who wrotea message to me the other day
who married an amazing guy.
They've been together for threeyears.
He shows at 49 or 48 to have achild because they're happy
(18:08):
being parents.
And the thing she wrote in thatemail she sent me is like I
keep hearing your voice in mymind because this is a guy I
would have never in a millionyears gone for had we not worked
together.
Because everything about metold me, eh, he's not your type.
And then I gave him a chanceand another chance, and another
chance and they fell in lovereally deeply.
There's something powerfulabout taking longer to connect
with someone and really get toknow them, with less of that
(18:31):
intense fireworks experience atthe beginning.
And, having said that, it'simportant to have passion for
the person that you're with.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
It's just not A the most important thing and B not
the thing that needs to happenas early as we all want it to be
.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, I've talked I mean,obviously I interview people for
in this kind of stuff so I'veheard that before too like just
really, really wait and I wasn'tso good at waiting before, but
now I fully believe that that'sgood, yeah.
(19:03):
And then, speaking of like notwaiting but then when you
finally do, or wanting to get tothat point you had mentioned
like a script for sexy, honestcommunication, like what does
that mean?
That kind of gets you there,like when you're ready, when
you've known each other longenough, or heading towards that,
like when you're ready, whenyou've known each other long
enough, or heading towards that.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yeah, and I would say , more than a script, it's a way
of being compiled with honestexpression that gets you into
the type of connection that youwant, and deepening the
connection.
Because here's the thing whentwo people connect, there's
always going to be this idea,especially the more you get to
(19:41):
know someone.
I mean, I have it all figuredout and I think the day that
happens is the day therelationship starts dying.
So being willing to ask aquestion that you've never asked
before, it's incredible.
I ask my clients, I mean,there's a couple of games that
are really powerful.
One is called the and T-H-Espace A-N-D.
(20:03):
The other one is the game byEsther Perel, where Shall we
Begin?
And this is something coolbecause you can get a pack of
little cards and you don't haveto play all of them, but just
get a pack of little cards andyou don't have to play all of
them, but just get a pack ofcards and you have a prompt, and
the prompt might be three orfour words, but those three or
four words might change yourlife in terms of connecting with
someone.
Like, maybe the question willbe last time I cried that I
(20:24):
didn't want anyone to know thatI was crying was and maybe it's
five years ago and maybesomething you haven't really
remembered.
Maybe it's something the persondoesn't even know about you,
but that prompt creates a 30minute conversation, unscripted,
that allows you both toexperience each other.
So I think that there'ssomething really powerful about
A asking questions that younormally don't ask, that allow
(20:46):
the person to reveal more of whothey are and you, as a listener
, become much more in tune withwho they are.
There's a concept calledattunement that has to do with
you fully understanding andsensing yourself and then fine
tuning through that process tothe person in front of you.
When that happens, it's thefeeling of being fully seen and
(21:08):
being fully experienced.
So having moments whetheryou're in a dating process and
getting to know someone whereyou say, okay, this is the time
of the day where we're going togo a little bit off script and
instead of just asking theregular boring questions
everybody asks, let's go alittle while and take a pack of
cards, or you can just come upwith your own questions that's
okay too and then go a littledeeper.
(21:28):
Now, that little bit of depthcould be the best thing that
happened in the entire date.
Now, if, obviously, if you'rein a relationship with someone
long-term and the idea is I'veknown this person for a long
time and I know all there is toknow about them, you'd be so
surprised.
I mean, they actually have aYouTube channel.
That's powerful Skin Deep, Ithink, is the name of it.
But you can witnessconversations between maybe
somebody who they split up andthey haven't talked in three
(21:50):
years, and they bring themtogether face to face, camera
shown both faces and they theystart asking each other
questions and you can't avoidcrying sometimes with the depth
of stuff that's being shared.
I saw one the other day andthis is not in romantic
relationships.
There's a dad, basically, whohas ALS I mean that, that Lou
Gehrig's disease and talking tohis son and basically the prompt
was a cool prompt from the sonbasically said hey, if, if, uh,
(22:13):
I lost my memory and you and Iasked you to share with me
something about the connectionthat we have.
What is the first thing youwould share with me?
Again, pretty insightfulquestion, powerful stuff came
out.
I was really chilling.
So, uh, there's a poet, as myfavorite poet, called David
White, has a concept calledbeautiful questions.
A beautiful question is aquestion that allows you to,
(22:35):
full stop, evaluate life in avery different perspective.
So, for me, this, this conceptof uh, of connecting with
somebody more deeply, is createyour own script by having
something that is not scripted,you know, something that allows
genuine communication, where twohuman beings can feel each
other, who can sense things thatthey haven't sensed in each
(22:57):
other.
Life is super short, you know,and I think, at the end of the
day, there's going to be a fewthings that we take with us very
few, but one of them is what wegave, what we received, and I
think those moments, which seemso mundane, sometimes are the
biggest thing, like the littledetails sometimes are everything
in a connection or in arelationship with someone.
So that's kind of like theconcept behind this to be able
(23:19):
to create your own script byhaving conversation that is
different and nuanced andattuned and courageous.
It takes a lot of courage toask a question, because it's the
whole thing of vulnerability,right.
Courageous.
It takes a lot of courage toask a question because it's the
whole thing of vulnerability,right.
I mean, if you're going to aska question that's challenging in
a good way, then be prepared toshare your own answer about the
(23:39):
whole thing and be prepared forsomebody to ask you a question
you don't expect.
But there's something so realand so alive about having a
conversation that way that Agets you to know someone more
deeply, but also it gets you tofeel more alive as you're
connecting with someone, and Ithink that's a good combination.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Yeah, I was just talking about this with my
partner, like I was saying how Ineed to have better questions
or like just something more totalk about, because I feel like
I just it's too much smalltalking.
It's like, oh, we can havesilence too, but I'm like, I'm
with you.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
I want to have good, I want to have good questions.
So here's something cool, for Imean, for anyone who's in a
situation like yours, whetheryou're in a partner or getting
to know someone there's a bookit's an old book and it's not
the end all be all, but it givesyou a.
I'm a big proponent offrameworks, because when you
understand a framework, then youcan change things and mix them
and match them on your own.
There's a book called SevenLevels of Intimacy and the book
(24:38):
is cool because it gives you aframework.
If you're having a conversationwith someone and you're not
feeling the depth like I'mimagining, that's kind of like
there's a part of you that feltI want more, I want to feel his
heart, I want him to know mebetter, and here we are talking
about the weather nothing wrongwith that but I want more.
Then you start with clichesright, how are you?
I'm having a great day, orsomething that's really mundane.
Then you go up into.
(24:58):
I think the next level would besomething along the lines of
facts hey, what did you do today?
You know?
And then you get to opinions,which is deeper than facts, and
then you get to dreams, and thenyou get to fears and then you
get to needs.
There's so many cool things asyou elevate.
So when you understand, like ifyou ask the question, what
level are we playing at rightnow?
(25:19):
What of these seven levels arewe playing at?
Okay, we're level zero, right?
Okay, cool, let me take you upa notch.
And then you ask a question thathas to do with the next level
and then you start escalatingfrom there in a good way and
then it's not hard to go from.
This is boring, or I've had toomany of this to wow.
This is a conversation I willnot soon forget, so maybe that's
a cool thing for anyone who'slistening.
(25:40):
I mean, get something like that, get one of these games.
It's life-changing, you know,it's just a chance to, it's fun,
it's playful and it getsbecause it's a game.
Hey, I didn't ask you a toughquestion, the game did.
Now, if you have a partner,some of those questions are
sexual in nature as well, whichis kind of cool.
You can mix and match.
And another level, you know,because most people don't really
(26:01):
talk about sex, or they talkabout sex, having sex, which is
maybe the worst time to talkabout it.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah.
And I was going to say oneother thing about asking
questions.
Sometimes people are afraid toask a question they don't want
the answer to, or they think itmight be negative, so they're
afraid to ask.
But I mean, like you said, thecard is a game.
So it's like, like you said,the game asks you, not me.
But people can hesitate to askAt least I've done that in the
(26:27):
past where I'm like, just incase it's not the answer I want,
I'm not going to ask you.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Yeah, but then there's something cool, because
maybe you hear an answer that'sdeeper and better than what you
imagine.
And then what then?
Then you get it.
You got a chance to hearsomething that, uh, I think we
have sometimes ideas about otherpeople that create unnecessary
fear, because at the end of theday, even if it's challenging
(26:52):
and I'm not saying it's easy orthat I do all the time but I'd
rather find out what somebodyreally thinks and feels than go
down an imaginary tangent,because then we can do something
about it.
You know, it doesn't mean setforever.
It just means that, hey, atleast we're starting from a
truthful space.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, so the like you said earlier, the fairy tale
delusional.
You know, space, yeah exactly.
Yeah, well, this seems like agood time.
Do you want to talk about howpeople can work with you, like
how they can meet you?
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Yeah, sure, I mean, the easiest way to reach me
would be my website,bernmendezcom, that's
B-E-R-N-M-E-N-D-E-Zcom.
There's a I have a quiz there.
If somebody's single and wantsto find out a bit more what,
what their biggest attractionblind spot is, you can take it.
It's free.
You can find me in YouTube BernMendes Find me and you have
(27:41):
like hundreds of free videosthere that you can learn from.
So those would be probably thetwo best spaces Bern Mendescom
and YouTube.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Okay, Awesome.
And then are there any finalthoughts, or just you know?
Speaker 1 (27:55):
takeaways you want people to.
Yes, biggest, I mean I'll say Imean I'll go in three takeaways
.
Number one if you're a singlewoman and you're not
experiencing the love that youwant, it's easy to think that
it's never going to change.
I'm telling you, as a result ofnot just imagining this stuff,
but having worked with hundredsof women who actually get what
they want, that it is possible.
It is not easy, and anyone whosells you the idea is easy,
(28:16):
please run away because they'reBSing you but it is possible.
Two, that we have more potentialin terms of what's possible in
our relationship today than atany other point in human history
.
Yet, because what we want is soambitious, if we don't get the
skills for it, it's, it's a high, just imagination that we're
(28:38):
going to get it.
And the third thing I'll say isthat there are multiple factors
If you're a woman who's single,especially in midlife,
especially if you have a decentincome, that make it more
challenging for you.
And I don't want to go into allof them.
I mean it's like, but it's.
I mean I'm about to read apaper that I mean there's like
maybe 30 points, not to make itsad, just it's the way it is
(29:00):
Because I'm a proponent of ifthings are challenging, the way
to get what you want isn't to Aimagine it is not happening or,
b to just change.
You can't change the number ofavailable conscious men out
there, but you can stand outmore.
You can figure out a way toexpress yourself more powerfully
, to put yourself in the rightrooms where you can meet those
(29:20):
people.
So with some strategy and someemotional regulation, you can
get a lot more than what youimagined before.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
All right, awesome, yes, thank you very much.
And for the listeners, if youenjoy this episode, be sure to
tell your friends about it andshare it as well, and also
follow the show, of course.
All right, thank you so much,byrne.
Thanks for inviting me.
I appreciate it.
All right, thanks everyone.
Welcome to the Straight from the Source's Mouth
podcast.
Frank talk about sex and dating.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hello, tamara here, welcome to the show.
Today's guest is Bern Mendes, adating and relationship coach,
and we'll be talking about howhe spent the past 14 years
helping smart, successful womenstop choosing emotionally
unavailable men and finallycreate deeply satisfying, sexy,
secure relationships.
Thanks for joining me, bern.
Oh, thank you so much forhaving me here, excited to be
(00:26):
here.
Yes, it's a great topic and Iknow lots of smart, successful
women that actually pickedpretty bad people, so it's very
relevant and I know it'sdefinitely true, as you've
experienced yourself.
So what got you into helpingwomen?
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Well, it really started by helping humans and
then it translated into helpingwomen.
I was, at an early age, someonewho experienced depression in
my life and after finding asolution that was maybe
non-traditional, I got reallyexcited into helping others to
(01:05):
figure out ways to solveproblems, maybe in a
non-traditional way, and fromthere it developed into a
passion and from that there itdeveloped into a YouTube channel
and it just so happened thatthe majority of people who
listened to the stuff I wassharing were women, and I
(01:26):
started lots of conversationsand I started applying the
skills that I have for life intothe relationship arena and I
found it was really needed.
Number one and two veryfulfilling for me.
So it kind of startedorganically, and then I found
more and more ways to be morespecific about how to help women
(01:47):
experience this result.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Yeah, I can see how that would work.
Especially, I mean, helpingpeople helps you feel better.
So bottom line Do you want totalk about the non-traditional
stuff you figured out or justleave it more towards what
you're doing now?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Well, I mean, we can talk about both.
I think that, because there's afull circle experience, I guess
, uh, part of it has to do withunderstanding how I'm going to
go as meta as I can on this thelanguage that we have to
communicate to ourselvesdictates the quality of our life
.
That's one, and the other hasto do with a super broad term
(02:25):
would be the emotional statesthat we embody at any moment in
time, because I mean, there'slots of people and I'm sure you
know who are really intelligentbut don't get themselves to do
those intelligent things in waysthat are sustainable, because
they may be really upset all thetime, or most of the time, or
they're very dysregulated.
So part of this whole thingcame to how do we get ourselves
(02:49):
to be in a space, emotionallyand physiologically, where we
can tap into more of ourresources, and so that's kind of
how it started.
And then full circle now.
At that moment I was moreaverse to anything that had to
do with therapy, but I found out, lo and behold, that it's
(03:11):
incredibly helpful and usefuland needed in this day and age.
So my focus over the last fewyears has been really to get
myself into a space where I canunderstand how the brain works
and how trauma works, so that Ican help people, not as a
therapist because I'm not atherapist but in an informed way
where human beings can makedecisions and changes that would
(03:34):
have taken a lot longer, uh,much more powerfully.
I think there's somethingpowerful to be said about when
you understand that it's notsomething flawed inside of you,
but there's a pattern thatyou're repeating and you can
shift the pattern, then and it'sa removes shame from the whole
thing but also creates anopportunity to do something
really practical.
You know, it's like kind oflike playing chess If you don't
(03:55):
understand that the chess hasrules and that there's certain
moves for opening and for midgame and for end game, then you
just lose all the time.
But when you turn the lights onand then you start
understanding the theory ofchess and you start making
better moves, you understandpatterns, then you can start
winning.
And that's kind of like what Ilike to offer people an
opportunity to remove the shamefrom not having the relationship
(04:16):
that they want because nobody'staught them how to do it, and
give them some practical skillsthat allow them to experience a
new result.
And when you experience a newresult.
I think it's easier to keep themomentum and say, okay, well,
now maybe what else is possible?
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, that's awesome.
How do you work with especiallythe smart, successful men that
choosing bad people?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Yeah, I mean.
Well, there's lots of ways towork with someone in that
situation.
I guess the first part ishelping them understand why it
is that they're making thosechoices.
I think there's a lot of peoplelook badly upon.
Maybe I don't know again, I'mnot sure if you've had any
friend that is a super smartwoman, very beautiful by all
(05:00):
standards and she just happensto go for bad boys to give you a
broad term or for someone who'sreally unavailable or someone
who is highly avoidant.
And I think the first part ishelping them understand first of
all what's happening.
You know, I think there's adynamic inside any type of those
connections that is very ithijacks your nervous system
(05:24):
because it creates a bit of anaddiction.
You know, when you wantsomething and you can't fully
have it, there's a part insideof you that wants it more, and
the more you go for it, the morethe person typically tends to
maybe avoid that situation.
It's like a bad thing.
I don't know if you've everheard like a microphone and
speakers interacting with eachother and the louder the
(05:44):
microphone, the speakers, theworse the microphone gets.
So that's the kind of loopwhere if you help someone
understand what's really takingspace without any.
You're doing it wrong, buthere's what's really happening.
And then help them find outokay, what is it that you really
want long-term?
And then you have a discrepancy, right, here's what I'm doing
and here's what I want.
So sometimes the first step ishelping someone understand their
(06:06):
blind spots.
Blind spots in terms of twothings.
Number one what's reallyhappening.
Because people we love to tellourselves stories.
I mean, you can hear people whoreally go deep onto many
different subjects, but when itcomes to relationships, a chip
maybe flares up and you givepeople 30,000 chances that you
wouldn't in any in business, youwouldn't do that.
(06:27):
But you just start coming upwith excuses because you want
something, you crave something,whether it's emotional
connection or sexual connection,or there's neurochemicals
taking place that really feelgood.
You start craving that.
So the first blind spot iswhat's happening, craving that
consideration.
So so the first blank spot iswhat's happening.
(06:47):
The second one is what'shappening inside of you, so that
through understanding whentriggers take place and
regulating differently, you canstart making new choices that
perhaps before were impossibleto make.
So there's a lot of that goingon, but also there's helping
someone have new experiencesthat feel safe and, in a way
(07:10):
gets a chance to rewire theexperience you know, because if
all you've learned maybe yougrew up in a house that was very
where nobody spoke truth, ormaybe you grew up in a home
where human beings were verydismissive, and that's the set
point you have for love.
And then you connect withsomeone and I see lots of women
(07:31):
doing this.
I mean men do this too, butsince I work with women, that's
the most vivid example that Ihave.
They connect with someone andthe guy is a very strong
reminder of their dad or theirmom, and they're not aware of it
, but they just there'ssomething so magical about him
Like no, there isn't.
He reminds you of your dad.
And when you get a chance tounderstand that and fully feel
(07:52):
it and start figuring out howyou can create deeper
connections with other people,then things start shifting for
the better.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, and do you think it's best to find someone
like your dad and heal it?
Speaker 1 (08:14):
Or do you avoid people that remind you of the
person that's kind of causingthe triggers and trauma?
Something powerful to be doneabout healing the best you can
without the need to connect withhuman beings who really push
all your buttons?
And because people will still.
I mean, you'll still get thatexperience, you'll still get
triggered, but there's no needto connect with someone who's
(08:37):
reminding you of yourworthlessness on a daily basis
to overcome it.
I think you can.
Life is hard enough to dowithout it.
So I think it's better forpeople to take a little bit of a
step back and choose what it isthat they want.
I tell all my clients one of thethings that we human beings do
a lot is we hope for someone tofall head over heels in love
(08:57):
with us, and we're notnecessarily kind of even in love
with our own lives.
So, taking a step back andfalling in love with our lives
it doesn't have to be perfect.
You don't have to be fullyhealed I don't think anyone
fully ever gets there butthere's something to be said
about being in a space where youcan recognize your own stuff,
(09:17):
where you can see the truth inother human beings and when
presented with strong evidence,you know, about who somebody is
having the courage and theemotional fortitude to say
thanks but no thanks.
You know there's a beautifulpoem.
I think Wayne Dyer used to readit and I mean I won't go the
whole thing.
But the first one is you fallinto a hole.
(09:38):
You don't even realize it.
Second stage is you fall into ahole and you but now you
realize that you're falling intothe hole.
I mean you get to the end whereyou go through a different
street.
You don't have to go throughthe same street as a hole.
So I think that's everybody'slife.
I mean we make lots of mistakesand relationships are the space
where we get a chance to reallysee what's happening inside.
Because if you really want toput yourself in a situation
(10:01):
where all your skills will benecessary yourself in a
situation where all your skillswill be necessary that's an
intimate romantic relationship.
All your fears, all yourinsecurities, all your triggers
will flourish and you get achance to work on it.
So in a healthy relationshipthat will happen.
That's why I'm saying there'sno need to add extra backpacks
climbing Everest to ensureyou're a good climber.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, I've experienced bothsides, like the bad ones, toxic,
and then the good.
So yeah, definitely helpful andyou can have the same kind of
arguments but you actuallyresolve them and work together
and like get better after,instead of just having a toxic
loop of yelling at each otherconstantly and not hearing each
other.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Yeah, something powerful about having someone
who your life is better becauseof them, not despite them.
You know, and I think a lot ofpeople in relationships that
feel very intense which issomething we're craving but they
are not helping.
I mean, it's a negativeequation when I my clients
sometimes will say somethinglike, hey, but he's strong and
he's intelligent and look at it,Okay, so that's the positive
(11:07):
right.
And I basically, when I hearall the stuff that she's going
through as a result of theactions which are not healthy in
the relationship, I say what'splus five minus 10?
Oh, minus five, Okay.
Well, it's a negative equation.
Yeah, this guy has lots ofgreat things, but the things he
removes from your life arestronger than the positive ones,
at least in my assessment.
So it's worth noticing Negativeequations are not good in
relationships.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Yeah, yeah, and when you say it sounds like you said
earlier people just ignore thered flags.
Is there a way to like avoidcertain things, or is it
individual?
Speaker 1 (11:36):
I think that there's ways to diminish the risk of
falling for red flags.
For example, if you take longerto get to know someone, the
likelihood that you'll beobjective will be greater than
if you rush into a relationshipreally early on.
I'm a big proponent of nothaving an exclusive relationship
with someone until you reallyfully know them.
A friendship has really starteddeveloping, you understand each
(11:57):
other's values, you've had thisagreement and have been able to
resolve it in some way.
So when you have more data,emotionally and logistically,
then it doesn't mean that youwon't fall for the red flag, but
it means that you're moreobjective.
Another thing that helps peopleto fall less for red flags is
radically slowing down thedegree of physical connection
(12:20):
with someone and sexualconnection.
Again, the biochemistry andthis is documented by lots of
really good scientists thattakes place when people have a
deep physical connection orsexual connection.
It's really it's.
It changes the way you operate,the way you view, the way you
view things, the way youevaluate life.
So what happens when youconnect with someone who seems
(12:41):
really exciting, really fun,really charismatic, tells you
the things you want to hear, andthen you have sex really early
on, and then you start fallingfor the person, not for the
qualities of that human being,but for the neurochemicals in
your system that are telling yougo for more of this, the
neurochemicals in your systemthat are telling you go for more
of this.
I think if you slow thosethings down, then also there's a
chance to see the red flagsmore powerfully.
(13:03):
And I think one more.
I would say one third thing youcan do is and I ask my clients
to do this keep a journal whenyou connect with someone and you
go on a date, when it's stillfresh, you go back home or in
your car, start thinking aboutthis, write a paragraph or two
in terms of what you noticed,how you felt, things that went
(13:23):
great, things that didn't gogreat, not to just put the
person on the microscope, butfor you to recognize more in
real time.
Hey, there was this joke thatwas not really funny, it was
kind of intense.
And now that I take the time, Ifelt disrespected or I felt sad
or I felt angry, whatever it is.
And then, when you have thatdata, then what happens?
(13:44):
If you choose to have a nextdate with that person, you can
bring it up in a healthy way.
Say, hey, the other day, whenthis is what I remember about
what happened and here's how Ifelt and here's what I want.
Then the person can either begreat about it and improve, or
can push it back on you, or cantry to gaslight you and say that
you imagine the whole thing andyou have it written down.
So you didn't imagine it, youknow.
(14:05):
So if you do those three things, they sound simple but they can
radically shift the viewpointof falling for someone with tons
of red flags or maybe not tons,but maybe some, some red flags
that are significant in nature,to make sure that relationship
is, uh, really painful.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Yeah, yeah.
And you, you mentioned also umabout sometimes women.
We find the the nice guys areboring.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Well, here's the thing.
Uh, I I've never a proponent ofwomen or men connecting with
someone that they don't feelchemistry for once they get to
know them.
I am a proponent of not seekingthat thrill from the first
moment.
And we live in a society that,through no fault of our own,
instant gratification society.
(14:54):
And if you remember the first,I mean you're around my age, I
think I'm 49.
So I think I mean I've heardyou talk in an episode, I mean
you're close to my age and Ithink one of the things that
we've heard and seen is, I mean,think about Cinderella and
think about Snow White, thinkabout any type love at first
sight.
Heart bursts open.
You go tell your mom I met theguy I'm going to marry.
(15:15):
Do you know him?
No, but I just know it in myheart.
That type of experience isreally deep down in our psyche.
So when you connect withsomeone and there's no fireworks
, a lot of people say well, notmy type, or oh, this is boring,
or this is not going to be funenough, or there's no chemistry.
And I'm a proponent of gettinga chance to get someone, get to
know someone for deeper, alittle longer, at least three
(15:38):
dates if there's no red flagsand then make a decision.
If you're not feeling strongerabout the person, if you're
feeling no more chemistry, thenchoose to not see them.
But if you feel a little bitmore, then there's like a flame
of a candle that can last longversus the firecracker that
explodes and doesn't last.
That's part of it.
Now there are human beings whoare more on the category of
(15:59):
boring, and I agree with that.
Also, there's people who arenot boring.
They have a safety mechanismthat doesn't resonate with the
failure-seeking or with theexperience you have, as we
talked earlier, at the set pointof disruptive, you know, call
home.
So when you connect withsomeone like that, if you
(16:19):
haven't fully evaluated that,then it's not that the person is
boring is that you're notnecessarily getting the
rejection you were getting, thatyou're used to.
That feels like home.
So you're like, well, this isnot.
I mean, there's no drama hereLike, what's the point here?
You know, and obviously this isnot something that's logical no
one thinks this guy's notdramatic, so it's boring.
(16:41):
Just think that he's boring.
So that's why slowing down inthe process of dating really
matters, not just for notfalling for your flags, but also
to give people a chance.
So that's part of what you cando.
Another thing you can do issince you have nothing to lose.
I mean, typically I hear fromwomen who have a really easy
time being their full selveswith someone they're not super
(17:03):
attracted to.
But when the guy that they deemreally, they put him on a
pedestal and they don't sharethe truth and they almost like
want they really want to beliked by him.
So, since you already havenothing to lose right now,
because you're probably notfeeling super triggered or lack
of confidence by this man, thenbe more vulnerable, be slightly
more vulnerable, express a bitmore of who you are, ask deeper
(17:24):
questions, open ended questionsthat maybe put more of you on
the line, and when there's morevulnerability, maybe something
happens that that activates apart of that person who is
listening to you in ways thatyou haven't been listened to
before or share something thatstrikes you as profound and
meaningful.
(17:45):
So I've had clients who metsomeone and the first date or
two dates were like I don't knowabout him and I said, come on,
give me one, one more, and theyended up getting married and
have very fulfilling lives andthey, they share with me.
I mean, I had someone who wrotea message to me the other day
who married an amazing guy.
They've been together for threeyears.
He shows at 49 or 48 to have achild because they're happy
(18:08):
being parents.
And the thing she wrote in thatemail she sent me is like I
keep hearing your voice in mymind because this is a guy I
would have never in a millionyears gone for had we not worked
together.
Because everything about metold me, eh, he's not your type.
And then I gave him a chanceand another chance, and another
chance and they fell in lovereally deeply.
There's something powerfulabout taking longer to connect
with someone and really get toknow them, with less of that
(18:31):
intense fireworks experience atthe beginning.
And, having said that, it'simportant to have passion for
the person that you're with.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
It's just not A the most important thing and B not
the thing that needs to happenas early as we all want it to be
.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
Yeah, I've talked I mean,obviously I interview people for
in this kind of stuff so I'veheard that before too like just
really, really wait and I wasn'tso good at waiting before, but
now I fully believe that that'sgood, yeah.
(19:03):
And then, speaking of like notwaiting but then when you
finally do, or wanting to get tothat point you had mentioned
like a script for sexy, honestcommunication, like what does
that mean?
That kind of gets you there,like when you're ready, when
you've known each other longenough, or heading towards that,
like when you're ready, whenyou've known each other long
enough, or heading towards that.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Yeah, and I would say , more than a script, it's a way
of being compiled with honestexpression that gets you into
the type of connection that youwant, and deepening the
connection.
Because here's the thing whentwo people connect, there's
always going to be this idea,especially the more you get to
(19:41):
know someone.
I mean, I have it all figuredout and I think the day that
happens is the day therelationship starts dying.
So being willing to ask aquestion that you've never asked
before, it's incredible.
I ask my clients, I mean,there's a couple of games that
are really powerful.
One is called the and T-H-Espace A-N-D.
(20:03):
The other one is the game byEsther Perel, where Shall we
Begin?
And this is something coolbecause you can get a pack of
little cards and you don't haveto play all of them, but just
get a pack of little cards andyou don't have to play all of
them, but just get a pack ofcards and you have a prompt, and
the prompt might be three orfour words, but those three or
four words might change yourlife in terms of connecting with
someone.
Like, maybe the question willbe last time I cried that I
(20:24):
didn't want anyone to know thatI was crying was and maybe it's
five years ago and maybesomething you haven't really
remembered.
Maybe it's something the persondoesn't even know about you,
but that prompt creates a 30minute conversation, unscripted,
that allows you both toexperience each other.
So I think that there'ssomething really powerful about
A asking questions that younormally don't ask, that allow
(20:46):
the person to reveal more of whothey are and you, as a listener
, become much more in tune withwho they are.
There's a concept calledattunement that has to do with
you fully understanding andsensing yourself and then fine
tuning through that process tothe person in front of you.
When that happens, it's thefeeling of being fully seen and
(21:08):
being fully experienced.
So having moments whetheryou're in a dating process and
getting to know someone whereyou say, okay, this is the time
of the day where we're going togo a little bit off script and
instead of just asking theregular boring questions
everybody asks, let's go alittle while and take a pack of
cards, or you can just come upwith your own questions that's
okay too and then go a littledeeper.
(21:28):
Now, that little bit of depthcould be the best thing that
happened in the entire date.
Now, if, obviously, if you'rein a relationship with someone
long-term and the idea is I'veknown this person for a long
time and I know all there is toknow about them, you'd be so
surprised.
I mean, they actually have aYouTube channel.
That's powerful Skin Deep, Ithink, is the name of it.
But you can witnessconversations between maybe
somebody who they split up andthey haven't talked in three
(21:50):
years, and they bring themtogether face to face, camera
shown both faces and they theystart asking each other
questions and you can't avoidcrying sometimes with the depth
of stuff that's being shared.
I saw one the other day andthis is not in romantic
relationships.
There's a dad, basically, whohas ALS I mean that, that Lou
Gehrig's disease and talking tohis son and basically the prompt
was a cool prompt from the sonbasically said hey, if, if, uh,
(22:13):
I lost my memory and you and Iasked you to share with me
something about the connectionthat we have.
What is the first thing youwould share with me?
Again, pretty insightfulquestion, powerful stuff came
out.
I was really chilling.
So, uh, there's a poet, as myfavorite poet, called David
White, has a concept calledbeautiful questions.
A beautiful question is aquestion that allows you to,
(22:35):
full stop, evaluate life in avery different perspective.
So, for me, this, this conceptof uh, of connecting with
somebody more deeply, is createyour own script by having
something that is not scripted,you know, something that allows
genuine communication, where twohuman beings can feel each
other, who can sense things thatthey haven't sensed in each
(22:57):
other.
Life is super short, you know,and I think, at the end of the
day, there's going to be a fewthings that we take with us very
few, but one of them is what wegave, what we received, and I
think those moments, which seemso mundane, sometimes are the
biggest thing, like the littledetails sometimes are everything
in a connection or in arelationship with someone.
So that's kind of like theconcept behind this to be able
(23:19):
to create your own script byhaving conversation that is
different and nuanced andattuned and courageous.
It takes a lot of courage toask a question, because it's the
whole thing of vulnerability,right.
Courageous.
It takes a lot of courage toask a question because it's the
whole thing of vulnerability,right.
I mean, if you're going to aska question that's challenging in
a good way, then be prepared toshare your own answer about the
(23:39):
whole thing and be prepared forsomebody to ask you a question
you don't expect.
But there's something so realand so alive about having a
conversation that way that Agets you to know someone more
deeply, but also it gets you tofeel more alive as you're
connecting with someone, and Ithink that's a good combination.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Yeah, I was just talking about this with my
partner, like I was saying how Ineed to have better questions
or like just something more totalk about, because I feel like
I just it's too much smalltalking.
It's like, oh, we can havesilence too, but I'm like, I'm
with you.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
I want to have good, I want to have good questions.
So here's something cool, for Imean, for anyone who's in a
situation like yours, whetheryou're in a partner or getting
to know someone there's a bookit's an old book and it's not
the end all be all, but it givesyou a.
I'm a big proponent offrameworks, because when you
understand a framework, then youcan change things and mix them
and match them on your own.
There's a book called SevenLevels of Intimacy and the book
(24:38):
is cool because it gives you aframework.
If you're having a conversationwith someone and you're not
feeling the depth like I'mimagining, that's kind of like
there's a part of you that feltI want more, I want to feel his
heart, I want him to know mebetter, and here we are talking
about the weather nothing wrongwith that but I want more.
Then you start with clichesright, how are you?
I'm having a great day, orsomething that's really mundane.
Then you go up into.
(24:58):
I think the next level would besomething along the lines of
facts hey, what did you do today?
You know?
And then you get to opinions,which is deeper than facts, and
then you get to dreams, and thenyou get to fears and then you
get to needs.
There's so many cool things asyou elevate.
So when you understand, like ifyou ask the question, what
level are we playing at rightnow?
(25:19):
What of these seven levels arewe playing at?
Okay, we're level zero, right?
Okay, cool, let me take you upa notch.
And then you ask a question thathas to do with the next level
and then you start escalatingfrom there in a good way and
then it's not hard to go from.
This is boring, or I've had toomany of this to wow.
This is a conversation I willnot soon forget, so maybe that's
a cool thing for anyone who'slistening.
(25:40):
I mean, get something like that, get one of these games.
It's life-changing, you know,it's just a chance to, it's fun,
it's playful and it getsbecause it's a game.
Hey, I didn't ask you a toughquestion, the game did.
Now, if you have a partner,some of those questions are
sexual in nature as well, whichis kind of cool.
You can mix and match.
And another level, you know,because most people don't really
(26:01):
talk about sex, or they talkabout sex, having sex, which is
maybe the worst time to talkabout it.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Yeah, yeah, for sure, yeah.
And I was going to say oneother thing about asking
questions.
Sometimes people are afraid toask a question they don't want
the answer to, or they think itmight be negative, so they're
afraid to ask.
But I mean, like you said, thecard is a game.
So it's like, like you said,the game asks you, not me.
But people can hesitate to askAt least I've done that in the
(26:27):
past where I'm like, just incase it's not the answer I want,
I'm not going to ask you.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Yeah, but then there's something cool, because
maybe you hear an answer that'sdeeper and better than what you
imagine.
And then what then?
Then you get it.
You got a chance to hearsomething that, uh, I think we
have sometimes ideas about otherpeople that create unnecessary
fear, because at the end of theday, even if it's challenging
(26:52):
and I'm not saying it's easy orthat I do all the time but I'd
rather find out what somebodyreally thinks and feels than go
down an imaginary tangent,because then we can do something
about it.
You know, it doesn't mean setforever.
It just means that, hey, atleast we're starting from a
truthful space.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, so the like you said earlier, the fairy tale
delusional.
You know, space, yeah exactly.
Yeah, well, this seems like agood time.
Do you want to talk about howpeople can work with you, like
how they can meet you?
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Yeah, sure, I mean, the easiest way to reach me
would be my website,bernmendezcom, that's
B-E-R-N-M-E-N-D-E-Zcom.
There's a I have a quiz there.
If somebody's single and wantsto find out a bit more what,
what their biggest attractionblind spot is, you can take it.
It's free.
You can find me in YouTube BernMendes Find me and you have
(27:41):
like hundreds of free videosthere that you can learn from.
So those would be probably thetwo best spaces Bern Mendescom
and YouTube.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Okay, Awesome.
And then are there any finalthoughts, or just you know?
Speaker 1 (27:55):
takeaways you want people to.
Yes, biggest, I mean I'll say Imean I'll go in three takeaways
.
Number one if you're a singlewoman and you're not
experiencing the love that youwant, it's easy to think that
it's never going to change.
I'm telling you, as a result ofnot just imagining this stuff,
but having worked with hundredsof women who actually get what
they want, that it is possible.
It is not easy, and anyone whosells you the idea is easy,
(28:16):
please run away because they'reBSing you but it is possible.
Two, that we have more potentialin terms of what's possible in
our relationship today than atany other point in human history
.
Yet, because what we want is soambitious, if we don't get the
skills for it, it's, it's a high, just imagination that we're
(28:38):
going to get it.
And the third thing I'll say isthat there are multiple factors
If you're a woman who's single,especially in midlife,
especially if you have a decentincome, that make it more
challenging for you.
And I don't want to go into allof them.
I mean it's like, but it's.
I mean I'm about to read apaper that I mean there's like
maybe 30 points, not to make itsad, just it's the way it is
(29:00):
Because I'm a proponent of ifthings are challenging, the way
to get what you want isn't to Aimagine it is not happening or,
b to just change.
You can't change the number ofavailable conscious men out
there, but you can stand outmore.
You can figure out a way toexpress yourself more powerfully
, to put yourself in the rightrooms where you can meet those
(29:20):
people.
So with some strategy and someemotional regulation, you can
get a lot more than what youimagined before.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
All right, awesome, yes, thank you very much.
And for the listeners, if youenjoy this episode, be sure to
tell your friends about it andshare it as well, and also
follow the show, of course.
All right, thank you so much,byrne.
Thanks for inviting me.
I appreciate it.
All right, thanks everyone.
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