February 16, 2024 • 36 mins
Hello listeners and welcome back to another episode of the Strength in Recovery podcast! Today, Jaye's sitting down with our friend Nick to talk through his recovery journey. Nick talks through what got him into treatment, the the importance of giving back, and things he is still working on in recovery. We're so grateful to hear stories like Sam's. This is one you won't want to miss! Listen to this episode and so many more at strengthinrecovery.com or wherever you get your podcasts!
*The views and opinions expressed by the guests of this podcast should not be considered medical or treatment advice. Need treatment? Call 1-833-RCAALUM today. Looking for support? Visit www.rcaalumni.com.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hello listeners, welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(00:20):
I'm your host, Jay Rodenbush, director of alumni engagement for Recovery Centers of
America and today we are at our Indianapolis facility and I am joined
with alum Nick who is graciously offered to share his story with us today and
talk to us a little bit about recovery. So thank you so much for joining us.
(00:42):
You're welcome, thank you for having me. And Indianapolis facility, tell us a
little bit about where we are and what happens here. So we are inside our CA
Indianapolis. This building is very special to a lot of people, it's very
special to me. It's just saved a lot of people's lives and we genuinely help a
(01:06):
lot of people throughout every day here and it's just amazing to be a part of
it. Well I'm so grateful to be able to share this cold night winter and we're
getting ready for the alumni to come back every Wednesday here in Indianapolis.
Wednesday nights our alums come back to the facility where they receive
(01:27):
treatment. It's actually an open meeting, anyone can come right? Yes. But we'll have,
I don't know, 50 alums come back on any given day, maybe 20. I know last week he
said he had about 20 online and 50 in the building and then we're able to offer
that to some of our patients as well. So it's just a really exciting time to hear.
(01:51):
Usually there's a speaker that comes and shares their experience, strength and
hope and people will come to celebrate certain milestones just to come back to
the facility and see the staff and see other people they were in treatment with
and kind of celebrate recovery together. So we're looking forward to that
(02:11):
tonight and I just ask Nick if he would be willing to sit down and talk with
us a little bit before that. Why don't you tell us a little bit about you and
what do you do here at RCA? So I am a medical assistant. I assist with
admissions when people come in, I do all their blood work, I it's hard to put it
(02:35):
into words sometimes because it's my real job it's really just drug testing
blood work, a lot of playful stuff, like kind of a glorified secretary. But it's
super, that's such a critical point when people come in. Yes, I remember how
it was to come in or to re-come in as like a re-admit patient and I remember
(02:57):
how scary it is when you're first coming in or how embarrassing you feel or
embarrassing I felt when I had to come back a second time to RCA a couple years
later and I try really really hard to make everyone, hey I try to make people
laugh because everyone and I try to make them feel comfortable. I try to make
(03:19):
people feel like no you are not this is not an embarrassing moment you need to be
proud of yourself like you could have you could have done a lot worse you
could have stayed out there you could have hurt somebody you could have hurt
yourself but you're here you're still trying. And I think the fact that you
know what they've been through right you have that commonality. Right and I think
(03:40):
it shows I mean I like I said I try really hard I might my main job might be
just doing those couple of things or to you know help the providers do what they
do and but I go out of my way on a daily basis to help every department in here
if they need help or I try to I do my best I'm not perfect by any means but I
(04:00):
spend a lot of time talking to patients when they a lot of people because I was
a patient here I do know how they're feeling and a lot of people feel very
comfortable coming up to me and talking to me throughout the day about what they
have going on and I do my best to keep people in this building because I know
how it is to leave early I've left earlier I've had to leave early because
(04:22):
insurance or because I was feeling better you know feeling better and
being better two different things right and it's like and that's something we
all deal with when we come through treatment I mean I dealt with it every
day when I was here so it's I love my job I love being here and I loved like I
(04:43):
love the voice that I get to have in this building because I don't get to have
that anywhere else and I think our page it shows in our patient experience and
the fact that they relate to you and and you do make them feel comfortable yeah
thank you for your work would you mind taking us back to how did you wind up
(05:08):
needing treatment so when I was younger and I never you know I really never did
any drugs I remember going through there and all this stuff I went to a Catholic
school you know I grew up my parents got divorced when I was small very small I
think I was eight years old but I never really I let a very sheltered life you
(05:32):
know I was in bed by 8 o'clock I was very by myself I was kind of a loner I
wanted to have friends but I really didn't know how to speak to people and I
still have that I still have that issue I feel like I still have an issue
sometimes a lot of people tell me that's in my head but I really felt like I
was alone all the time no matter how much work I did or how like was whatever
(05:58):
sports teams I was on I played basketball I tried to play football I try to do all
these things but I never quite felt good enough I saw these people with all
their girlfriends and all this stuff and I just wasn't capable of talking to
females like that so it really really it did a number on me and I never realized
until I got older and started working the steps and all like the resentments I
(06:19):
was holding on people from like grade school but I think after once I started
driving around sophomore year I started coming out to Indiana I guess I grew up
outside of Chicago and I met people and you know we just in order to try and
please them because they liked me they wanted to hang out with me and so in
(06:42):
order to please them they started smoking weed so I started smoking weed and
one day it was I weirdly remember the day it was the Valentine's Day in like 2003
they started doing coke and so I started doing coke and then that just spiraled
down into correct cocaine and I just I felt really hard I went through years of
(07:06):
not doing it you know I did it for a while that's why I initially moved to
Denver Colorado was to get away from people and to try and start over but it
would last a couple years all the time I would drink pretty heavily throughout
those times and smoke weed but it just got really bad in 2016 I think when I was
introduced to meth and that was I was living in Oklahoma at the time I was
(07:31):
introduced to meth that I literally disappeared for four months that's my
whole life behind it is you have trepidation about trying this or do you
remember that first I do I can picture it like it happened yesterday I had been
working in Kansas City I worked construction for a long time I have
been working in Kansas City and I was married at that time for probably five
(07:55):
or six years seven years something like that and it just wasn't happy I came home
because I was sick and I had noticed while I was drinking then drug seeking
started coming back very very bad in one night everything just aligned I'm at
the wrong person at the wrong time and I was fine with trying it I really thought
(08:17):
I had done enough coke and I had smoked enough cracks or I can do anything I'll
be fine and that was not that was not the same thing it completely ate me alive
and how everyone responds to a different drug is it's different right well in up
to that point nobody really knew in my new life that I've led with all these
(08:39):
work I've worked at the same place for probably eight years and I mean I
basically lived with these people because we traveled together and worked
together and then my wife and my stepson like I really nobody really knew
that part of my life I had spent a very long time putting that behind me and I
have hid that for a very long time so did it feel like I guess that's a good
(09:03):
question did it feel like a part of your life you'd left behind or part of your
life that was a big secret I really feel like I had this secret that nobody
else would ever know I mean I'd given on little bitty things like oh yeah I used
(09:24):
to do coke but I really never went to the extent to where like I gave up my
whole life for it nobody really knew that except for me maybe my mother and
something like that but I think I that secret even I can't think of the right
word but that I kept that secret so well that and so we had an office where I
(09:46):
grew up in Northwest Indiana and I would go back we would go every Christmas to
work my whole family knew it I never was around for holidays every Christmas I
would go home a week early wouldn't tell anyone I tell my wife I was working and
I would go home and sit in a hotel and I would do drugs by myself and I would do
(10:07):
that spend thousands of dollars over a couple day period and that kind of a
reward for having I just think as someone who liked I liked that lifestyle as
that time I thought it was pretty neat I thought it was pretty cool that I would
(10:28):
be able to get away with something like that I like you know right I loved
getting away with things I loved that I could I thought I was just the smartest
person in the world but I can just get away with things and get away with
running away and spending all this money and nobody knew it I mean my wife we had
the same bank account how could she not know or did she care enough you know it
(10:49):
was more of a I think it was like testing the waters until I can really do
what I wanted to do and then eventually in 2016 that's what happened I just I
remember that day I tried it I called my wife we always stayed at this hotel
that was right next to the bar if we drink too much I told her I drink too
much because I couldn't go to sleep and I didn't really understand meth versus
(11:12):
coke so the amount of coke I would do I did in meth form and so I probably like
a whole team or in meth which is a couple of grams I believe and I was up for
like three weeks I remember and being in that hotel room in the morning and she
must have talked to the front desk people because we knew everyone there
(11:33):
I've been staring there for years before I lived there I remember at like nine in
the morning there being a banging on the door and I remember hearing her say
telling me to come outside and I just didn't have the I didn't have the courage
to open the door I remember like peeking through the window and seeing her like
distraught scared wanting me to come to the door knowing that if I came to the
(11:58):
door I can probably explain or manipulate my way through the situation
I was just terrified and I never opened that door and then I disappeared for four
weeks until I got arrested and that was your was that your first arrest yeah I
mean first yeah one yeah I mean I had to do you I previously but that wasn't for
(12:22):
some reason that didn't feel like a big deal it was already over it was a couple
years before that but that was the first arrest and that was the big one that was
the one that actually sent me to treatment in 2016 but I did it you know I
justified it all I did it myself I did it before they told me to even though I
full well knew that they were gonna send me make me go do something and I did a
(12:44):
couple year of treatment in 2016 and I stayed sober for almost two years and
then so you stay sober for a couple years but then it you have a recurrence I
did I really don't even know what happened well I mean I have an idea now
what happened I didn't work any steps you know I worked that's it I was working
(13:09):
a hundred and hours a week and then halfway through that I just I think so
there could be say you were sober but not doing recovery right I went to one
meeting a week and then it's start I did when I first started I was on the
meetings like crazy I was doing all this great things and then I got to the
fourth step I moved back to Illinois because I couldn't make any I was living
(13:30):
in Idaho and I just couldn't I couldn't make any money I was so far behind in
all my bills like they were gonna take my car so I went back to my old job and
they were super supportive they knew everything that was going on and I did
really well for a long long time until it just got to the point where I was
(13:50):
only going to a meeting if I was home I wasn't I used to travel when I would
travel out of fine meetings go to I wasn't doing that anymore I was just
going through the motions to make everyone else happy is basically but I
had stuff so I thought I was doing okay eventually you know after a while I
had girlfriends she had three children that called me dad I mean my life was
(14:11):
exactly what like that picture of life that we all have especially at my age I
was like like I'm 40 now so it's like in my head I should have all these things
already I should have like security financial security I should have a
family that is not my you know what I'm saying let's not my mom and stuff like
that and so I had everything that I thought I wanted that I've been working
(14:33):
for all these years these silver years this is what I thought and after a
little bit after about a year and a half I it was about to it was a one month shy
of two years I went to a wedding in California one of my best friends that
I used to work with and they were all doing coke and you know in my head I'm
like I'm not gonna do that but instead of doing coke I decided to take one
(14:55):
tequila shot and then the next day I drink about six more tequila shots and
then I went home and everything was fine and then this was Memorial Day 2021
Memorial Day weekend is when I went online and found somebody who I hadn't
spoke to in probably ten years I said hey can you still do this he said yes and
(15:15):
he even delivered it to me and then that was that was the beginning of a very
long year and a half two years I sold everything I'd owned my apartment ended
up I ended up getting kicked out of my apartment my mother died very suddenly
thank you her mother died very suddenly after that I mean it was just I lost
(15:42):
jobs pretty dark pretty quick very very quick and I did not know how to get out
I came right before my mom died is the first time I came to RCA that was
2021 when we first opened in Indy here and you know I really thought I had it
(16:04):
but I also knew I really didn't have it I was really just trying to make the
girlfriend happy so I can keep seeing the kids and I can was trying to make my
mom happy because I had just the glow we got in a very huge fight I talked to my
mother every day for most of my life my adult life and we had gotten into a very
big fight because she tried to get me out of playing to go to rehab and I told her
(16:27):
how I felt about that very early one morning and I was not nice to her and
then all of a sudden she had a stroke and I was trying to get better for her so I
can be there for her and I was doing it once she was gone that was it for me I
really went off another deep end for a long time I mean I was hanging out with
people I had no business hanging out with I was in places I had no business
(16:50):
being and I literally towards the end there before I came back here in March
or February last year I was not wanting to die like not like I wanted to
personally take my own life but I tried to do enough drugs to where it was
gonna kill me very slowly and I ended up having to be Narcan I was hospitalized
(17:13):
and I didn't do those kind of drugs you know I didn't do heroin or that and all
or anything like that so I did a lot it was a very like it's a very dark time
in my life I never felt like that again and what how did you get the courage to
call for help so weird story actually I had gotten a job last year at a company
(17:42):
in Indiana Indiana doing what I used to do the construction work and I was gonna
do all this it was this is how I was gonna fix my life with another job a new
company has always been kind of my identity that was my identity for a
long time and this is how I was gonna fix it I found this company they finally
hired me they paid me great money and I'm like this is it I started working for
(18:03):
them of course I got my first paycheck and went and relapsed but I kept it
together so I was supposed to go on another job and I just didn't show up I
wasn't picking up the phone I wasn't doing all this I had money so I didn't
need them anymore I was staying in my mother's house which me and my sister
were at that time I had already signed over everything to my sister so she
(18:25):
could live in that house so I was basically homeless I didn't have anywhere
to go but she let me stay in her basement one day I was sitting down there
and going through my blocked messages because I can't be bothered with people
I don't want to talk to when I'm using so I block everyone who but I was going
(18:46):
through the block messages because I was starting to feel some sort of way and
there was a message from a man I've only known a month and it said this is your
last chance and in my head I really knew that he was talking about to come to
work but the other part of me knew this is your last chance to save yourself
(19:11):
and that is why I literally called RCA that night and they picked me up the
next morning and that's how this all started was that we're and I've told
him since then because I really barely knew this guy and I've told him since
then a might be a whole reason I'm here is because of you and I hope you know
that he's he's super supportive he's always been nice to me and it's just a
(19:34):
wild it's wild that I took that text which I know very much know that I meant
one thing and my brain took another way like a self-preservation kind of thing
like you need to do something you can't just sit here and kill yourself like this
Wow and you still have a relationship with him? We talked for the first couple
(19:55):
months we didn't really talk a lot but I mean I would check in and say hi and he
asked me more than once if I would work on the weekends for him if we they had
local work to Indy or something like that because they work all over and a
couple times I thought about it but I've talked to you know I've talked to
certain people that I kind of rely on making those kind of decisions and we
(20:16):
came to the conclusion that that's just extra money that I don't need right now
and it's extra headaches it puts me in a place where I don't need to be yeah so I
have not taken them up I haven't really spoke to him in a couple months but he
will always hold a place in my heart because I wouldn't be here without him.
Absolutely and so you're in this dark place slowly the lights are coming back
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on or is it quick? No. Like a switch? I don't know it's weird because like I'm
like when I came here I was it was dark when I got to RCA everything was dark
I remember I had a bag of wet clothes because the driver got there way earlier
than he was supposed to. Yeah we're pretty quick on the draw.
Somebody's ready we're not gonna waste any time we know that window could be up.
(21:04):
Small and so I was like annoyed with that and then I really didn't want like I
remember the first time I came there was a lot of crying there was a lot of
emotion there really wasn't any of that this time when I came here it was more
or less just like I don't know what I'm gonna do but I know I'm not gonna do it
here and I got right into groups the first day even though I felt like
(21:28):
crap I really didn't want to sit around I didn't want to be alone anymore I
felt like I spent so much time alone for the last six months in my life like
there was never anyone around when I was using it was me the drug and then I
would sit and want to be around people and I'd find people to be around I'm
like no I don't want to be around you you're taking my drugs you're taking my
(21:48):
happiness you know it's just it makes me miserable so I was trying to like just
the white came on slowly that was a long way to answer that question and you
start opening yourself up to community right to people right and I knew that
community when after my mom passed and then her mom passed I was taking care of
(22:09):
my grandmother when she died so I was living in her house with her and after
they passed I really had no reason to be at home in Chicago land I really had no
reason for it anymore and I knew that and I traveled my whole life I've lived all
over this beautiful country so it's like I decided I knew while I was in here
(22:34):
that I wanted to be an indie because I had a person who was in here with me a
patient who I loved to death I wanted to be where he was going and so that's where
I said I'm gonna go to sub reliving well it didn't work out the way I wanted it to
I would have to have gone to a different house and a different Oxford house and
it just wasn't working out the way I wanted it to and so I went home thinking
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that was right and they do it like it was not also the right thing to do and so I
forgot where I was going back to the city do you start working with the
alumni group right away do you keep coming back to alumni meetings so yeah
when I came back here that was one thing you know I didn't have a car when I came
here I had sold when I relapsed right after I left our CA for that couple days
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the only thing I had of any value left I had no money I know nothing I had was a
car that I purchased with some money that my mom had left me I sold that car for
a fraction of what it was worth for about $500 with the stipulate
stipulations you my friend that you do not give me any money until I get to
(23:43):
Indianapolis but you buy me a bus ticket and he did and that's how I got to
Indianapolis with a bag of clothes not a suitcase a bag of clothes in a silver
living house with no money and he sent me $100 every couple weeks just to make
sure I had food and stuff like that but right away my the kid who I was in here
(24:05):
with my friend started picking me up I was at a different silver living house a
couple miles away from here so he started picking me up for alumni and what
do you think has been different this time you said last time you got to a step
four and then kind of trail off so did you make it through step four I did make
(24:27):
it through step four I have actually I am on step 10 I have been on step 10 for a
little bit just because I start you know we all go through ups and downs we're
doing steps is what I'm told from people that I've spoke to so for some
listeners who aren't in recovery or maybe they're loved ones in recovery
explain why would somebody get up on step four so step four is making an
(24:52):
inventory of all your fears your resentments all the bad stuff that you've
done over the past then for me it's been 40 years so it's it had it was like 36
to 40 pages of fears resentments and bad things and once they like I it was it's
a scary thing to do like the secret right do you think it relates to you're
(25:17):
kind of opening all that up it is that was for me and it was weird because like
I said I was so scared to do it the previous time that I just didn't do it
didn't try to do it but it was like I started writing all this stuff down I
was sitting in that sobered living house with like a month sober and I started
like writing all this stuff down and it's just like started like vomiting all
(25:40):
over the paper just all these things that I had no idea that were still in my
head like just people who I thought had wronged me or treated me poorly in my
own head of course it's probably not like that and realize some of them were
but those people and those like experiences really shaped who I like
turned into as an adult or why I was acting the way I was acting and that's
(26:02):
something I noticed when I talked to a lot of people when they're doing
recovery is like nobody really understands why they have done the things
they've done nobody really gets why they relapsed or they've had all this time
and myself included like I didn't understand it well I kind of get it now
I'm not gonna say a hundred percent I understand why I do the things I have
(26:25):
done but I do understand why I seek approval from other people and why I
treat some you know treat people poorly you know I get it now and because of
that I was able to tell somebody about it in step five and then move on with
those and try and fix the mistakes that I've made in the past or at least be
willing to there's always gonna be people that you're not gonna be able to
(26:47):
make amends to I can't make amends to my mom I wrote her a letter the same with
my grandma I if there's that my wife it's gonna hurt her more you know it's
gonna bring up all these silly feelings and you know it's just not safe it's
not a good thing for me or for her for me to make amends for with her but I can
(27:07):
write a letter and I can never treat somebody like that ever again and so
that's the steps for the game changer for me this time sober living actually
being open to go to sober living and then actually working on the steps and
being a part of this community I would not be where I am without the alumni
(27:31):
here I remember sitting in there and I remember seeing the people I hang out
with now and I remember I remember like watching them like in there and
hearing about all the stuff that they're doing and me being I know everyone
is in their late 20s early 30s and I'm 40 and so it was really hard for me to
(27:53):
try to put myself out there and start doing things with them but you know we
are in group chats now we went like we went to the zoo together we played
volleyball every Saturday together and on Wednesdays here we were playing
volleyball in the summer go carding we're doing the car mole winter games here
coming up in February 10 I mean it I would not be where I am I wouldn't have
(28:16):
any of the friends that I have today and these are people who actually care
about me who are not just trying to get money out of me who are not just they
are actually people who care about my well-being and I care about their well
being and I just I wouldn't be where I am without anyone in this almost everyone
in this building it's just it kills me it's just not kills me but it's weird to
(28:36):
say it that a building can I literally had a bag of clothes before I came into
this building I have a car I have an apartment I have friends I have an
actual life because of this building and I don't know how to pay it forward or
give it back you know what I'm saying you explain that when we sat down and
(29:00):
started talking about when people walk in here you want to make them comfortable
right and you want to make them not feel afraid right and then it's you're
showing that it's possible right you're right and that's that is paying it right
I think my definition is paying you're right and I guess I don't I also I don't
(29:26):
know if I downplay I'm used to downplaying myself because of I don't
know really why I've done that but I've done that my whole life is downplay my
role in different parts of my life and that is something that I need to work
on and you're regaining your confidence yeah I try to I am just forever an
uncomfident person but I have been doing a lot better with that I've been listening
(29:48):
to people around me instead of just saying there just but there was a lot of
gaslighting in my story there's a lot of people telling me things that were not
just not the way they really were and that really caused a lot of issues in my
life and still does but you got to really start trusting people and trusting
the people you care about the trust in the people around you but hey they're not
(30:09):
lying to you because nobody around me is lying to me right now and just that they
are actually who they say they are what do you say to somebody who's in a dark
space I would just say there is help you do not have to be alone there is no
(30:33):
reason to sit alone in that dark space anymore
that's good I think that's the hardest thing I think when someone's in
depression and it's we know that addiction is a disease of isolation
(30:55):
and it gets you alone and it's so hard to convince people tonight on Wednesday
night in Indianapolis there's a room full of people that would welcome me with
open arms and treat me with love and kindness and compassion like it's just
(31:16):
it's really hard to convince someone and I guess I'd have to say like come and
see me right especially when that person at least if it was me has been just run
through the ringer and not being able to trust anyone around them because they've
been hanging out with people who are not trustworthy people so it's I mean
(31:40):
that's the biggest hurdle that was one of the biggest hurdles like I've already
said is just being able to trust people that they have real intentions and good
intentions for me and for other people around them and once life like now
life is really good I'm tired a lot but it is really good I have a lot of
(32:08):
amazing people but I have an amazing life right it's a great tired I used to
like it's it's funny because I've spent so much time not doing anything so words
like if I go home and I take a nap like a or I miss going to do something I feel
horrible but you know I talked to people about it like dude you're tired you do
(32:30):
a lot yes you know on the weekends I try and stay busy like my car broke I tried
to fix I tried I did fix that good thank you you know like it's just full of me
trying to do the best I can every day for everyone around me and it's not just
for me and I have everyone around me doing the best they can for me it's
(32:55):
reciprocal right it's real relationships right right it's not just me
using people because that's really where exactly very very proud of where I am
right now in my life you know I have it's not perfect yet you know I still do
not speak to my dad as much as I'd like to and that's my fault and his fault we're
(33:19):
both very stubborn I hurt him very badly my left three laps when he was trying to
help me and you know he will text me back now if I text him he did not text me
back for a very long time he had me blocked for a very long time because he
was just scared I was gonna hurt him again and I get that I understand that I
know it's on his time not mine but he will text me back and at least make
(33:43):
small talk at this point in time so you know baby steps towards certain parts
that's not a small thing right it's not great at it all the time but yeah so I
mean I'm very proud of where my life is we're very proud of you and thank you
for the contributions you've made here at RC&D and really grateful to have you
(34:08):
here we always end with favorite recovery quote do you have one don't have one
do you have many I would have to like Google that because I'm not really sure
okay not great at that you got a bracelet on what what do you got what you
say it says recoverly recovery is a lifestyle and normalized sobriety warrior
(34:33):
I would love to take credit for that but my very good friend Chad made these
bracelets recovery is a lifestyle that's a pretty good quote that is a great
quote I wish I would have yeah you were on top of that thank you so much for
joining us thank you for having me listeners if you are someone you know
(34:57):
needs help please reach out we have people standing by there are buildings
near you where you can get help call 1-833-RCA alum and talk with someone
today thank you have a great day
thank you for listening to the strength and recovery podcast if you enjoyed
(35:23):
this episode please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review we love
hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we
continue to share these incredible stories of recovery the RCA alumni team
aims to provide a safe supportive environment for those in the recovery
community regardless of their affiliation with RCA we host a full
(35:48):
calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week 365 days a year
as well as free sober events every month to learn more about what we do find us
at RCA alumni comm remember if you are a loved one is struggling with addiction
pick up the phone and dial 1-833-RCA alum help is available 24-7 listen to
(36:17):
another episode now or join us next time for the strength and recovery podcast
Hello listeners, welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(00:20):
I'm your host, Jay Rodenbush, director of alumni engagement for Recovery Centers of
America and today we are at our Indianapolis facility and I am joined
with alum Nick who is graciously offered to share his story with us today and
talk to us a little bit about recovery. So thank you so much for joining us.
(00:42):
You're welcome, thank you for having me. And Indianapolis facility, tell us a
little bit about where we are and what happens here. So we are inside our CA
Indianapolis. This building is very special to a lot of people, it's very
special to me. It's just saved a lot of people's lives and we genuinely help a
(01:06):
lot of people throughout every day here and it's just amazing to be a part of
it. Well I'm so grateful to be able to share this cold night winter and we're
getting ready for the alumni to come back every Wednesday here in Indianapolis.
Wednesday nights our alums come back to the facility where they receive
(01:27):
treatment. It's actually an open meeting, anyone can come right? Yes. But we'll have,
I don't know, 50 alums come back on any given day, maybe 20. I know last week he
said he had about 20 online and 50 in the building and then we're able to offer
that to some of our patients as well. So it's just a really exciting time to hear.
(01:51):
Usually there's a speaker that comes and shares their experience, strength and
hope and people will come to celebrate certain milestones just to come back to
the facility and see the staff and see other people they were in treatment with
and kind of celebrate recovery together. So we're looking forward to that
(02:11):
tonight and I just ask Nick if he would be willing to sit down and talk with
us a little bit before that. Why don't you tell us a little bit about you and
what do you do here at RCA? So I am a medical assistant. I assist with
admissions when people come in, I do all their blood work, I it's hard to put it
(02:35):
into words sometimes because it's my real job it's really just drug testing
blood work, a lot of playful stuff, like kind of a glorified secretary. But it's
super, that's such a critical point when people come in. Yes, I remember how
it was to come in or to re-come in as like a re-admit patient and I remember
(02:57):
how scary it is when you're first coming in or how embarrassing you feel or
embarrassing I felt when I had to come back a second time to RCA a couple years
later and I try really really hard to make everyone, hey I try to make people
laugh because everyone and I try to make them feel comfortable. I try to make
(03:19):
people feel like no you are not this is not an embarrassing moment you need to be
proud of yourself like you could have you could have done a lot worse you
could have stayed out there you could have hurt somebody you could have hurt
yourself but you're here you're still trying. And I think the fact that you
know what they've been through right you have that commonality. Right and I think
(03:40):
it shows I mean I like I said I try really hard I might my main job might be
just doing those couple of things or to you know help the providers do what they
do and but I go out of my way on a daily basis to help every department in here
if they need help or I try to I do my best I'm not perfect by any means but I
(04:00):
spend a lot of time talking to patients when they a lot of people because I was
a patient here I do know how they're feeling and a lot of people feel very
comfortable coming up to me and talking to me throughout the day about what they
have going on and I do my best to keep people in this building because I know
how it is to leave early I've left earlier I've had to leave early because
(04:22):
insurance or because I was feeling better you know feeling better and
being better two different things right and it's like and that's something we
all deal with when we come through treatment I mean I dealt with it every
day when I was here so it's I love my job I love being here and I loved like I
(04:43):
love the voice that I get to have in this building because I don't get to have
that anywhere else and I think our page it shows in our patient experience and
the fact that they relate to you and and you do make them feel comfortable yeah
thank you for your work would you mind taking us back to how did you wind up
(05:08):
needing treatment so when I was younger and I never you know I really never did
any drugs I remember going through there and all this stuff I went to a Catholic
school you know I grew up my parents got divorced when I was small very small I
think I was eight years old but I never really I let a very sheltered life you
(05:32):
know I was in bed by 8 o'clock I was very by myself I was kind of a loner I
wanted to have friends but I really didn't know how to speak to people and I
still have that I still have that issue I feel like I still have an issue
sometimes a lot of people tell me that's in my head but I really felt like I
was alone all the time no matter how much work I did or how like was whatever
(05:58):
sports teams I was on I played basketball I tried to play football I try to do all
these things but I never quite felt good enough I saw these people with all
their girlfriends and all this stuff and I just wasn't capable of talking to
females like that so it really really it did a number on me and I never realized
until I got older and started working the steps and all like the resentments I
(06:19):
was holding on people from like grade school but I think after once I started
driving around sophomore year I started coming out to Indiana I guess I grew up
outside of Chicago and I met people and you know we just in order to try and
please them because they liked me they wanted to hang out with me and so in
(06:42):
order to please them they started smoking weed so I started smoking weed and
one day it was I weirdly remember the day it was the Valentine's Day in like 2003
they started doing coke and so I started doing coke and then that just spiraled
down into correct cocaine and I just I felt really hard I went through years of
(07:06):
not doing it you know I did it for a while that's why I initially moved to
Denver Colorado was to get away from people and to try and start over but it
would last a couple years all the time I would drink pretty heavily throughout
those times and smoke weed but it just got really bad in 2016 I think when I was
introduced to meth and that was I was living in Oklahoma at the time I was
(07:31):
introduced to meth that I literally disappeared for four months that's my
whole life behind it is you have trepidation about trying this or do you
remember that first I do I can picture it like it happened yesterday I had been
working in Kansas City I worked construction for a long time I have
been working in Kansas City and I was married at that time for probably five
(07:55):
or six years seven years something like that and it just wasn't happy I came home
because I was sick and I had noticed while I was drinking then drug seeking
started coming back very very bad in one night everything just aligned I'm at
the wrong person at the wrong time and I was fine with trying it I really thought
(08:17):
I had done enough coke and I had smoked enough cracks or I can do anything I'll
be fine and that was not that was not the same thing it completely ate me alive
and how everyone responds to a different drug is it's different right well in up
to that point nobody really knew in my new life that I've led with all these
(08:39):
work I've worked at the same place for probably eight years and I mean I
basically lived with these people because we traveled together and worked
together and then my wife and my stepson like I really nobody really knew
that part of my life I had spent a very long time putting that behind me and I
have hid that for a very long time so did it feel like I guess that's a good
(09:03):
question did it feel like a part of your life you'd left behind or part of your
life that was a big secret I really feel like I had this secret that nobody
else would ever know I mean I'd given on little bitty things like oh yeah I used
(09:24):
to do coke but I really never went to the extent to where like I gave up my
whole life for it nobody really knew that except for me maybe my mother and
something like that but I think I that secret even I can't think of the right
word but that I kept that secret so well that and so we had an office where I
(09:46):
grew up in Northwest Indiana and I would go back we would go every Christmas to
work my whole family knew it I never was around for holidays every Christmas I
would go home a week early wouldn't tell anyone I tell my wife I was working and
I would go home and sit in a hotel and I would do drugs by myself and I would do
(10:07):
that spend thousands of dollars over a couple day period and that kind of a
reward for having I just think as someone who liked I liked that lifestyle as
that time I thought it was pretty neat I thought it was pretty cool that I would
(10:28):
be able to get away with something like that I like you know right I loved
getting away with things I loved that I could I thought I was just the smartest
person in the world but I can just get away with things and get away with
running away and spending all this money and nobody knew it I mean my wife we had
the same bank account how could she not know or did she care enough you know it
(10:49):
was more of a I think it was like testing the waters until I can really do
what I wanted to do and then eventually in 2016 that's what happened I just I
remember that day I tried it I called my wife we always stayed at this hotel
that was right next to the bar if we drink too much I told her I drink too
much because I couldn't go to sleep and I didn't really understand meth versus
(11:12):
coke so the amount of coke I would do I did in meth form and so I probably like
a whole team or in meth which is a couple of grams I believe and I was up for
like three weeks I remember and being in that hotel room in the morning and she
must have talked to the front desk people because we knew everyone there
(11:33):
I've been staring there for years before I lived there I remember at like nine in
the morning there being a banging on the door and I remember hearing her say
telling me to come outside and I just didn't have the I didn't have the courage
to open the door I remember like peeking through the window and seeing her like
distraught scared wanting me to come to the door knowing that if I came to the
(11:58):
door I can probably explain or manipulate my way through the situation
I was just terrified and I never opened that door and then I disappeared for four
weeks until I got arrested and that was your was that your first arrest yeah I
mean first yeah one yeah I mean I had to do you I previously but that wasn't for
(12:22):
some reason that didn't feel like a big deal it was already over it was a couple
years before that but that was the first arrest and that was the big one that was
the one that actually sent me to treatment in 2016 but I did it you know I
justified it all I did it myself I did it before they told me to even though I
full well knew that they were gonna send me make me go do something and I did a
(12:44):
couple year of treatment in 2016 and I stayed sober for almost two years and
then so you stay sober for a couple years but then it you have a recurrence I
did I really don't even know what happened well I mean I have an idea now
what happened I didn't work any steps you know I worked that's it I was working
(13:09):
a hundred and hours a week and then halfway through that I just I think so
there could be say you were sober but not doing recovery right I went to one
meeting a week and then it's start I did when I first started I was on the
meetings like crazy I was doing all this great things and then I got to the
fourth step I moved back to Illinois because I couldn't make any I was living
(13:30):
in Idaho and I just couldn't I couldn't make any money I was so far behind in
all my bills like they were gonna take my car so I went back to my old job and
they were super supportive they knew everything that was going on and I did
really well for a long long time until it just got to the point where I was
(13:50):
only going to a meeting if I was home I wasn't I used to travel when I would
travel out of fine meetings go to I wasn't doing that anymore I was just
going through the motions to make everyone else happy is basically but I
had stuff so I thought I was doing okay eventually you know after a while I
had girlfriends she had three children that called me dad I mean my life was
(14:11):
exactly what like that picture of life that we all have especially at my age I
was like like I'm 40 now so it's like in my head I should have all these things
already I should have like security financial security I should have a
family that is not my you know what I'm saying let's not my mom and stuff like
that and so I had everything that I thought I wanted that I've been working
(14:33):
for all these years these silver years this is what I thought and after a
little bit after about a year and a half I it was about to it was a one month shy
of two years I went to a wedding in California one of my best friends that
I used to work with and they were all doing coke and you know in my head I'm
like I'm not gonna do that but instead of doing coke I decided to take one
(14:55):
tequila shot and then the next day I drink about six more tequila shots and
then I went home and everything was fine and then this was Memorial Day 2021
Memorial Day weekend is when I went online and found somebody who I hadn't
spoke to in probably ten years I said hey can you still do this he said yes and
(15:15):
he even delivered it to me and then that was that was the beginning of a very
long year and a half two years I sold everything I'd owned my apartment ended
up I ended up getting kicked out of my apartment my mother died very suddenly
thank you her mother died very suddenly after that I mean it was just I lost
(15:42):
jobs pretty dark pretty quick very very quick and I did not know how to get out
I came right before my mom died is the first time I came to RCA that was
2021 when we first opened in Indy here and you know I really thought I had it
(16:04):
but I also knew I really didn't have it I was really just trying to make the
girlfriend happy so I can keep seeing the kids and I can was trying to make my
mom happy because I had just the glow we got in a very huge fight I talked to my
mother every day for most of my life my adult life and we had gotten into a very
big fight because she tried to get me out of playing to go to rehab and I told her
(16:27):
how I felt about that very early one morning and I was not nice to her and
then all of a sudden she had a stroke and I was trying to get better for her so I
can be there for her and I was doing it once she was gone that was it for me I
really went off another deep end for a long time I mean I was hanging out with
people I had no business hanging out with I was in places I had no business
(16:50):
being and I literally towards the end there before I came back here in March
or February last year I was not wanting to die like not like I wanted to
personally take my own life but I tried to do enough drugs to where it was
gonna kill me very slowly and I ended up having to be Narcan I was hospitalized
(17:13):
and I didn't do those kind of drugs you know I didn't do heroin or that and all
or anything like that so I did a lot it was a very like it's a very dark time
in my life I never felt like that again and what how did you get the courage to
call for help so weird story actually I had gotten a job last year at a company
(17:42):
in Indiana Indiana doing what I used to do the construction work and I was gonna
do all this it was this is how I was gonna fix my life with another job a new
company has always been kind of my identity that was my identity for a
long time and this is how I was gonna fix it I found this company they finally
hired me they paid me great money and I'm like this is it I started working for
(18:03):
them of course I got my first paycheck and went and relapsed but I kept it
together so I was supposed to go on another job and I just didn't show up I
wasn't picking up the phone I wasn't doing all this I had money so I didn't
need them anymore I was staying in my mother's house which me and my sister
were at that time I had already signed over everything to my sister so she
(18:25):
could live in that house so I was basically homeless I didn't have anywhere
to go but she let me stay in her basement one day I was sitting down there
and going through my blocked messages because I can't be bothered with people
I don't want to talk to when I'm using so I block everyone who but I was going
(18:46):
through the block messages because I was starting to feel some sort of way and
there was a message from a man I've only known a month and it said this is your
last chance and in my head I really knew that he was talking about to come to
work but the other part of me knew this is your last chance to save yourself
(19:11):
and that is why I literally called RCA that night and they picked me up the
next morning and that's how this all started was that we're and I've told
him since then because I really barely knew this guy and I've told him since
then a might be a whole reason I'm here is because of you and I hope you know
that he's he's super supportive he's always been nice to me and it's just a
(19:34):
wild it's wild that I took that text which I know very much know that I meant
one thing and my brain took another way like a self-preservation kind of thing
like you need to do something you can't just sit here and kill yourself like this
Wow and you still have a relationship with him? We talked for the first couple
(19:55):
months we didn't really talk a lot but I mean I would check in and say hi and he
asked me more than once if I would work on the weekends for him if we they had
local work to Indy or something like that because they work all over and a
couple times I thought about it but I've talked to you know I've talked to
certain people that I kind of rely on making those kind of decisions and we
(20:16):
came to the conclusion that that's just extra money that I don't need right now
and it's extra headaches it puts me in a place where I don't need to be yeah so I
have not taken them up I haven't really spoke to him in a couple months but he
will always hold a place in my heart because I wouldn't be here without him.
Absolutely and so you're in this dark place slowly the lights are coming back
(20:39):
on or is it quick? No. Like a switch? I don't know it's weird because like I'm
like when I came here I was it was dark when I got to RCA everything was dark
I remember I had a bag of wet clothes because the driver got there way earlier
than he was supposed to. Yeah we're pretty quick on the draw.
Somebody's ready we're not gonna waste any time we know that window could be up.
(21:04):
Small and so I was like annoyed with that and then I really didn't want like I
remember the first time I came there was a lot of crying there was a lot of
emotion there really wasn't any of that this time when I came here it was more
or less just like I don't know what I'm gonna do but I know I'm not gonna do it
here and I got right into groups the first day even though I felt like
(21:28):
crap I really didn't want to sit around I didn't want to be alone anymore I
felt like I spent so much time alone for the last six months in my life like
there was never anyone around when I was using it was me the drug and then I
would sit and want to be around people and I'd find people to be around I'm
like no I don't want to be around you you're taking my drugs you're taking my
(21:48):
happiness you know it's just it makes me miserable so I was trying to like just
the white came on slowly that was a long way to answer that question and you
start opening yourself up to community right to people right and I knew that
community when after my mom passed and then her mom passed I was taking care of
(22:09):
my grandmother when she died so I was living in her house with her and after
they passed I really had no reason to be at home in Chicago land I really had no
reason for it anymore and I knew that and I traveled my whole life I've lived all
over this beautiful country so it's like I decided I knew while I was in here
(22:34):
that I wanted to be an indie because I had a person who was in here with me a
patient who I loved to death I wanted to be where he was going and so that's where
I said I'm gonna go to sub reliving well it didn't work out the way I wanted it to
I would have to have gone to a different house and a different Oxford house and
it just wasn't working out the way I wanted it to and so I went home thinking
(22:57):
that was right and they do it like it was not also the right thing to do and so I
forgot where I was going back to the city do you start working with the
alumni group right away do you keep coming back to alumni meetings so yeah
when I came back here that was one thing you know I didn't have a car when I came
here I had sold when I relapsed right after I left our CA for that couple days
(23:22):
the only thing I had of any value left I had no money I know nothing I had was a
car that I purchased with some money that my mom had left me I sold that car for
a fraction of what it was worth for about $500 with the stipulate
stipulations you my friend that you do not give me any money until I get to
(23:43):
Indianapolis but you buy me a bus ticket and he did and that's how I got to
Indianapolis with a bag of clothes not a suitcase a bag of clothes in a silver
living house with no money and he sent me $100 every couple weeks just to make
sure I had food and stuff like that but right away my the kid who I was in here
(24:05):
with my friend started picking me up I was at a different silver living house a
couple miles away from here so he started picking me up for alumni and what
do you think has been different this time you said last time you got to a step
four and then kind of trail off so did you make it through step four I did make
(24:27):
it through step four I have actually I am on step 10 I have been on step 10 for a
little bit just because I start you know we all go through ups and downs we're
doing steps is what I'm told from people that I've spoke to so for some
listeners who aren't in recovery or maybe they're loved ones in recovery
explain why would somebody get up on step four so step four is making an
(24:52):
inventory of all your fears your resentments all the bad stuff that you've
done over the past then for me it's been 40 years so it's it had it was like 36
to 40 pages of fears resentments and bad things and once they like I it was it's
a scary thing to do like the secret right do you think it relates to you're
(25:17):
kind of opening all that up it is that was for me and it was weird because like
I said I was so scared to do it the previous time that I just didn't do it
didn't try to do it but it was like I started writing all this stuff down I
was sitting in that sobered living house with like a month sober and I started
like writing all this stuff down and it's just like started like vomiting all
(25:40):
over the paper just all these things that I had no idea that were still in my
head like just people who I thought had wronged me or treated me poorly in my
own head of course it's probably not like that and realize some of them were
but those people and those like experiences really shaped who I like
turned into as an adult or why I was acting the way I was acting and that's
(26:02):
something I noticed when I talked to a lot of people when they're doing
recovery is like nobody really understands why they have done the things
they've done nobody really gets why they relapsed or they've had all this time
and myself included like I didn't understand it well I kind of get it now
I'm not gonna say a hundred percent I understand why I do the things I have
(26:25):
done but I do understand why I seek approval from other people and why I
treat some you know treat people poorly you know I get it now and because of
that I was able to tell somebody about it in step five and then move on with
those and try and fix the mistakes that I've made in the past or at least be
willing to there's always gonna be people that you're not gonna be able to
(26:47):
make amends to I can't make amends to my mom I wrote her a letter the same with
my grandma I if there's that my wife it's gonna hurt her more you know it's
gonna bring up all these silly feelings and you know it's just not safe it's
not a good thing for me or for her for me to make amends for with her but I can
(27:07):
write a letter and I can never treat somebody like that ever again and so
that's the steps for the game changer for me this time sober living actually
being open to go to sober living and then actually working on the steps and
being a part of this community I would not be where I am without the alumni
(27:31):
here I remember sitting in there and I remember seeing the people I hang out
with now and I remember I remember like watching them like in there and
hearing about all the stuff that they're doing and me being I know everyone
is in their late 20s early 30s and I'm 40 and so it was really hard for me to
(27:53):
try to put myself out there and start doing things with them but you know we
are in group chats now we went like we went to the zoo together we played
volleyball every Saturday together and on Wednesdays here we were playing
volleyball in the summer go carding we're doing the car mole winter games here
coming up in February 10 I mean it I would not be where I am I wouldn't have
(28:16):
any of the friends that I have today and these are people who actually care
about me who are not just trying to get money out of me who are not just they
are actually people who care about my well-being and I care about their well
being and I just I wouldn't be where I am without anyone in this almost everyone
in this building it's just it kills me it's just not kills me but it's weird to
(28:36):
say it that a building can I literally had a bag of clothes before I came into
this building I have a car I have an apartment I have friends I have an
actual life because of this building and I don't know how to pay it forward or
give it back you know what I'm saying you explain that when we sat down and
(29:00):
started talking about when people walk in here you want to make them comfortable
right and you want to make them not feel afraid right and then it's you're
showing that it's possible right you're right and that's that is paying it right
I think my definition is paying you're right and I guess I don't I also I don't
(29:26):
know if I downplay I'm used to downplaying myself because of I don't
know really why I've done that but I've done that my whole life is downplay my
role in different parts of my life and that is something that I need to work
on and you're regaining your confidence yeah I try to I am just forever an
uncomfident person but I have been doing a lot better with that I've been listening
(29:48):
to people around me instead of just saying there just but there was a lot of
gaslighting in my story there's a lot of people telling me things that were not
just not the way they really were and that really caused a lot of issues in my
life and still does but you got to really start trusting people and trusting
the people you care about the trust in the people around you but hey they're not
(30:09):
lying to you because nobody around me is lying to me right now and just that they
are actually who they say they are what do you say to somebody who's in a dark
space I would just say there is help you do not have to be alone there is no
(30:33):
reason to sit alone in that dark space anymore
that's good I think that's the hardest thing I think when someone's in
depression and it's we know that addiction is a disease of isolation
(30:55):
and it gets you alone and it's so hard to convince people tonight on Wednesday
night in Indianapolis there's a room full of people that would welcome me with
open arms and treat me with love and kindness and compassion like it's just
(31:16):
it's really hard to convince someone and I guess I'd have to say like come and
see me right especially when that person at least if it was me has been just run
through the ringer and not being able to trust anyone around them because they've
been hanging out with people who are not trustworthy people so it's I mean
(31:40):
that's the biggest hurdle that was one of the biggest hurdles like I've already
said is just being able to trust people that they have real intentions and good
intentions for me and for other people around them and once life like now
life is really good I'm tired a lot but it is really good I have a lot of
(32:08):
amazing people but I have an amazing life right it's a great tired I used to
like it's it's funny because I've spent so much time not doing anything so words
like if I go home and I take a nap like a or I miss going to do something I feel
horrible but you know I talked to people about it like dude you're tired you do
(32:30):
a lot yes you know on the weekends I try and stay busy like my car broke I tried
to fix I tried I did fix that good thank you you know like it's just full of me
trying to do the best I can every day for everyone around me and it's not just
for me and I have everyone around me doing the best they can for me it's
(32:55):
reciprocal right it's real relationships right right it's not just me
using people because that's really where exactly very very proud of where I am
right now in my life you know I have it's not perfect yet you know I still do
not speak to my dad as much as I'd like to and that's my fault and his fault we're
(33:19):
both very stubborn I hurt him very badly my left three laps when he was trying to
help me and you know he will text me back now if I text him he did not text me
back for a very long time he had me blocked for a very long time because he
was just scared I was gonna hurt him again and I get that I understand that I
know it's on his time not mine but he will text me back and at least make
(33:43):
small talk at this point in time so you know baby steps towards certain parts
that's not a small thing right it's not great at it all the time but yeah so I
mean I'm very proud of where my life is we're very proud of you and thank you
for the contributions you've made here at RC&D and really grateful to have you
(34:08):
here we always end with favorite recovery quote do you have one don't have one
do you have many I would have to like Google that because I'm not really sure
okay not great at that you got a bracelet on what what do you got what you
say it says recoverly recovery is a lifestyle and normalized sobriety warrior
(34:33):
I would love to take credit for that but my very good friend Chad made these
bracelets recovery is a lifestyle that's a pretty good quote that is a great
quote I wish I would have yeah you were on top of that thank you so much for
joining us thank you for having me listeners if you are someone you know
(34:57):
needs help please reach out we have people standing by there are buildings
near you where you can get help call 1-833-RCA alum and talk with someone
today thank you have a great day
thank you for listening to the strength and recovery podcast if you enjoyed
(35:23):
this episode please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review we love
hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we
continue to share these incredible stories of recovery the RCA alumni team
aims to provide a safe supportive environment for those in the recovery
community regardless of their affiliation with RCA we host a full
(35:48):
calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week 365 days a year
as well as free sober events every month to learn more about what we do find us
at RCA alumni comm remember if you are a loved one is struggling with addiction
pick up the phone and dial 1-833-RCA alum help is available 24-7 listen to
(36:17):
another episode now or join us next time for the strength and recovery podcast
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