November 10, 2023 • 33 mins
Welcome back listeners! This week we're sitting with Kim H,, at are their own and not necessarily those of RCA. These interviews are personal testimonials of ren RCA St. Charles Alum and absolute force of light. Kim talks with Jaye about recovering out loud, working through health challenges while in recovery, and helping others find their way. This episode is so full of hope - you won't want to miss it!
*The views and opinions expressed by the guests of this podcascovery and should not be considered medical or treatment advice. Need treatment? Call 1-833-RCAALUM today. Looking for support? Visit www.rcaalumni.com.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(00:18):
We are here in beautiful St. Charles, Illinois, just outside the city of Chicago at the campus
this year, getting ready for alumni night, which is just a night in our facilities where
the alums come back and have a support meeting.
It's a really beautiful thing and certainly the highlight of the week for many people.
(00:44):
And I'm privileged to be here tonight and sitting down with Kim H. She is an alum of
St. Charles.
And we're just so glad to have you.
Thank you.
I'm happy to be here.
And we were just chatting and I honor you so much and just talking before about just
(01:08):
even having this conversation and the strength and honesty it takes to say, I'm in recovery.
Can you talk to us a little bit about that?
What makes you want to tell your story?
I'm proud of where I came from.
It was a very dark road and I can see the light now and I feel so much healthier and
(01:34):
so much better and it just is so freeing.
I feel so much freer than I did in my addiction.
And you were talking about how just telling your story and the power of that.
Oh yeah.
It's very powerful.
And I tell it to anyone who will listen.
(01:55):
My coworkers probably think I'm nuts sometimes because I'll tell anyone who will listen about
this is what happened to me and this is how I got sober and this is how I feel now.
And to tell people and to share my story with people brings me joy because I know if I just
helped that one person by telling my story then it was well worth it.
(02:19):
Well, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself today and how we came to know each
other?
Well, you know, it goes back to when I was a kid.
I had a rough childhood.
My dad was a Vietnam veteran.
I was born when he was in Vietnam.
(02:41):
We lived with my grandma and he came back and it was in the 60s.
I was born in 68 and he was hippie.
My parents were hippies and that was great.
That was our life.
But I always grew up with drugs and alcohol in my family.
I didn't know that smoking marijuana was against the law.
(03:02):
I didn't know that it was not right to do, especially back then.
So my dad always smoked pot and drank and that was our norm.
He grew pot in the backyard.
We had to call him Chinese tomato plants to our friends.
So as I got older and realized this wasn't right, I was like, wow, this is weird.
(03:24):
I wonder why he does that.
And in my teenage years, I decided that I needed to find out what the great thing was
about this marijuana.
As a child also, the trauma from childhood experiences, working my steps, I'm finding
(03:51):
out that a lot of my addiction stemmed from childhood trauma.
And my dad was an alcoholic.
He cheated on my mom.
We would wake up in the morning and there would be blood on the walls from my dad being
out and coming home drunk and him and my mom fighting.
(04:13):
We'd have to go out driving around from bar to bar looking for him in the middle of the
night, me and my little brother.
And that was just not normal, but I thought it was normal.
I thought this is what all families did.
I didn't know that this was so wrong.
And it led me to self-medicate and to try that marijuana that one time.
(04:38):
And I smoked pretty regularly through high school.
It was not a big drinker back then.
We just didn't do that.
We didn't do any other drugs back then.
We couldn't afford it.
But my dad always, he sold marijuana by then.
And so it was free.
I would just sneak it.
And he always knew, but I denied it of course because addicts are good buyers.
(05:04):
And so I went on to get in relationships that were abusive emotionally, sexually, physically.
And that was just the life that I thought was a normal life because that's what I grew
up watching was those things.
(05:27):
And as I got older, I couldn't smoke pot anymore so I started drinking.
Do you remember kind of that transition and what that feeling was that brought you to
the alcohol?
To escape, escaping my life.
(05:51):
And at first it was going out with the girls to the clubs.
And it was a lot of fun.
My drinking in the very beginning wasn't a problem.
I would drink on the weekends.
And then after work I'd have a glass or two of wine and then maybe the next few months
would be a more and more.
Before I knew it, I was drinking a bottle of wine every night and not really thinking it
(06:13):
was a big deal.
Talk to us a little bit about mommy wine culture.
Yeah.
It's huge.
I deserve the glass of wine at the end of the day.
It's very, very, very big.
And I even find myself to this day saying to people, hey, after work, let's go out for
(06:34):
a cup of coffee.
Because I forget sometimes.
And that's just the words that come out of our mouth because that's what all my kids,
friends, that's what we do.
And I'm okay with that being in that situation, but it is a wine culture for parents now and
a drinking culture.
(06:55):
When I was a kid, my dad was the only one who drank.
My mom never drank.
My mom never got together with the girls like we do with my son's parents or my son's
friend's parents and my clients or my coworkers.
And my mom didn't do any of that.
(07:16):
She stayed home.
But nowadays, yes, the culture of drinking wine is huge.
And there's pressure for everybody to participate.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And it's okay.
A lot of those people don't have the problems.
But for that one person like myself, it doesn't end there.
(07:37):
It continues.
And when did you start to realize this is a problem?
Probably when I was showing up to PTO meetings drunk and sitting next to the principal praying
he didn't smell alcohol on me.
I was fortunate.
(07:58):
I very rarely drove when I was drinking.
I had friends that would pick me up because they knew I'd be having cocktails while I
cooked dinner because I couldn't cook dinner without having a couple cocktails.
And then I couldn't start dinner without having a couple cocktails.
And then it was time for a meeting.
And I was just like, gosh, I really shouldn't be going to these meetings drinking.
(08:23):
And not only that, I was the chairperson for our scouting, the kids in scouting.
And I would go to those drinking.
And it was so wrong.
And I look back and I'm embarrassed.
(08:44):
I know those people knew I was drinking.
I was just fooling myself.
I think it's just so beautiful how you're so willing to talk about this story.
I think so many in today's world do run into trouble or got in, you know, we're drinking
during COVID and couldn't stop and needed to go back to work and maybe feel like, oh,
(09:10):
well, I need to shove this under the rug.
And you have this story and you're so willing and so open.
You're just saying, like, I'll tell anybody my story.
You know, when it's like, that's not the norm.
And people are so ingrained with the shame and the stigma surrounding this disease.
(09:31):
I got over that.
I got over that the day I checked into RCA.
I put on Facebook, I'm going away for 30 days to get sober, see you when I'm clean.
And I had a few people message me and say, why would you put that on Facebook?
And I said, well, I'm calling myself out.
(09:54):
And if people know what I'm going through and they need help, maybe they'll get help
too.
And I want people to know that I have sickness.
And, you know, maybe if they can help me in any way, that's great.
If I can help them in any way, that's great.
And I was being held accountable.
I'm just genuinely moved by that honesty.
(10:20):
I think it's really unique to your story.
And I see how you interact with the others and the light you bring.
And, you know, we just help set up the meeting.
I don't know.
I think Amber set up the meeting.
We watched.
We watched, yes.
We pretend we helped, right?
Yeah, we were managing it all.
(10:40):
But you just bring this light with you, and I'm grateful for that.
And I think it's really unique.
Thank you.
I just love being sober.
And I feel like I can't even...
I'm so proud of my recovery.
(11:03):
And I'm so proud that I can sit here with you today and talk about this.
And I don't want to say I'm proud of my alcoholism or my disease, but I'm proud of where it brought
me to.
I'm proud of the person I am today because of it.
And you said earlier, you just said, I've done the work.
(11:25):
I think we're the words you use.
Yeah, you have to do the work.
You have to...
You know, I came here for 30 days.
I went home, and within three weeks I relapsed, and I didn't do the work.
I didn't go to meetings.
I didn't come to alumni.
I didn't get a sponsor.
(11:45):
I didn't start my steps.
And the step work is not for everybody, but for me it's very important.
And I just thought, I'm done.
I can live my life.
Got it out of my system.
Yeah, I'm good to go.
And I was back here in three weeks, and that's when I realized I need to do the work.
And a lot of times people think I have fought the physical battle, right, that the drug
(12:10):
or the alcohol is now out of my body, and so I've done...
And I can go about life.
And what we realize is there's a whole mental...
Huge.
...and spiritual, body, mind, and soul spirit that has to come together to work together.
(12:32):
That's very true.
There's so much more to just the physical addiction of it.
The mental addiction to me is far more powerful than the physical addiction was.
I need to stay busy.
I need to help people.
I need to be with people.
I can't be held up in my house or my bedroom or wherever.
(12:55):
And that's me by nature.
I work with people all day long every day.
That's my job.
So when I'm not at work, I was self-isolating, and that's when I would do most of my drinking
with home alone.
And now I try not to be home alone.
(13:16):
I try not to be home at all.
But I like to help people.
I like to be with people.
It's a whole other kind of...
It's a dopamine for me to be serving people and to be helpful at things.
I'm always trying to...
I can help you with this or I can help you with that.
(13:38):
Amber, if you need help, let me know.
And I get a lot of pride and joy out of that for myself.
I like being needed.
Maybe that's it.
You said that it was getting sober, staying sober.
Is life or death for you?
It is.
It is.
I don't know.
My liver enzymes for years have been bad.
(14:02):
And when you go to the doctor and you get all your liver enzymes are high, you have
fatty liver.
Everybody has fatty liver.
A lot of people have fatty liver.
My age is not uncommon.
Enzymes are high.
Come back on the alcohol chem and don't take ibuprofen or acetaminophen.
In my case, I can't take either anymore.
(14:25):
Watch your fat.
I can't take fast foods, things like that.
And I just would brush it off and brush it off for years.
And before I got sober, my primary doctor said, you need to go see a liver doctor.
Your enzymes are really bad.
Your platelets are very low.
And I saw the liver doctor and he said, well, the next time I see you, I want your husband
(14:52):
to be with you.
He goes, you need to quit drinking.
And I said, okay, and he asked how much I drank and I lied.
I told him I drank a bottle of wine and I ate him.
He was like, that is way too much.
When in reality, I drank a whole lot more than that.
And I just hid it from everybody.
And he said, if you don't quit drinking, you will die.
(15:18):
And he was very adamant.
If you don't quit drinking, you will die.
And I continued to drink.
I didn't listen to him.
And finally-
Do you think it was denial at that point?
Oh, yeah, for sure.
I was in denial.
I said, ah, I'll be fine.
I'll just cut back.
I'll cut back.
I'll cut back.
And finally, I decided that I needed to get sober.
(15:41):
I needed to stop showing up to things drunk, making a fool out of myself and not remembering
how I got home, how I got in my pajamas, how I got in my bed, and embarrassing my kids.
They didn't want me around their friends anymore.
So I came in and my liver enzymes were extremely high.
(16:06):
And I got out and I went to see the liver doctor and he said, you need to go for this
special scan.
You got out.
This is after you've left RCA?
The first time, yeah.
That's the first time.
I went and saw him in that three-week span.
And he said, you need to get this special scan.
And I said, okay, no problem.
And then like I said before, I relapsed, got back out after that relapsed and went and
(16:30):
saw him.
I had this special scan and the scan showed that I had stage four liver failure.
And my liver enzymes were okay at that point.
But I still, I have liver damage beyond repair.
(16:51):
It cannot repair itself any longer.
As I stated before, I cannot take any over-the-counter pain medicines anymore.
I have to eat a Mediterranean diet, which is really hard when you're in recovery because
you really like sugar and chocolate.
So I'm struggling with that right now, but I'm figuring it's kind of like one addiction
(17:14):
at a time.
I have to allow myself a little chocolate every night.
My liver is functioning fine right now.
And as long as I don't drink, I should be able to live a pretty normal life.
But if I do drink, I will die.
And there's a saying that says to drink is to die and that's me.
(17:38):
Kim, I'm so sorry to hear that.
And it's, you carry yourself with such light.
I think that's, you know, and I think you've got a message you're carrying.
And I can't, you know, I can't go back.
(17:58):
And that's, you know, I can't sit and cry over it.
It is what it is.
The damage is done.
I can just go forward and, you know, be the best, healthiest person I can be and try and
help other people in my situation and to let them know, you know, there is help.
(18:19):
Getting sober was the best thing I've ever done in my life.
Aside from my children, I'm pretty proud of those guys, but getting sober is the best
thing I've done for myself in my life.
And we have any examples of how, you know, you work in the people industry.
Just sharing your story has led you to help another person?
(18:46):
My Facebook post, I have probably a good half dozen or more people that have reached out
to me through Messenger.
Their daughter is struggling.
Their son, their spouse.
I've given them the number here.
I've given them, you know, obviously call me anytime or have them call me.
(19:09):
I'll talk to them about what life is like for me now and show them that, you know, you
don't have to wake up every morning with the shakes and thinking about, gosh, when am I
going to be able to drink today?
So I don't have the shakes anymore.
You know, that is such a blessing in itself that, you know, when I go to work in the morning
and I don't eat breakfast the other day and I'm a little shaky, it kind of brings back
(19:32):
those memories and my clients will laugh and they'll be like, oh my gosh, I remember when
you, you know, we come in every day like this and like, no, not anymore.
It's just because I didn't eat breakfast today.
But I think, you know, just spreading my word helps people.
I told you earlier that I, you know, I'll tell people in the grocery store and tell
them, oh, I'm, you know, recovering alcoholic.
(19:55):
And I had a lady just the other day, she's like, my husband is too.
And we happened to go to the same AA club.
So that was, it was, you know, we live in a small town, so it's not probably that
normal.
But it was quite a coincidence.
And the meat lady at my grocery store, her son is an alcoholic and every now and again
(20:20):
should be like, hey, you know, this happened.
What do you think?
This has got to be ready.
And what a gift you give people just to be able to have those conversations.
I think so many times it's not a safe space for people to share.
My son is struggling or my daughter, or I'm struggling.
You know, it's just, there's such a stigma attached to it.
(20:43):
And I'm hoping, you know, in time that it won't be like that anymore because we all
know somebody that's suffering from some form of addiction.
We all do.
It's just, like you said, the mommy wine club.
I mean, it's out there.
And you may not, people may not think, it's not me.
(21:05):
I can quit whenever I want.
But sometimes they think, can you really?
Because I thought that too.
I can quit whenever I want until I wanted to and I couldn't.
Was there a moment when you realized, I want to cut back and I can't?
Do you remember?
Oh yeah.
When I saw the doctor, the liver doctor, or even the primary doctor the first time and
(21:29):
he had said he wanted me to see a liver specialist, I'm like, this is getting serious.
And I was like, okay, I'm just going to cut back.
And I did for maybe a day or two, but I couldn't.
Or my kids would say, mom, please.
I have teenage sons, what kind of example was I setting for them?
(21:50):
And they would say, mom, please, can you just cut back?
Can you just have one tonight?
Or they'd hide the liquor from me and I'd get really mad.
And I'd be like, give it back to me.
Give it back to me.
And I was just like, gosh, I've got to really try and stop, but I couldn't.
I just couldn't do it.
(22:11):
And how do you go from having those types of conversations with your boys to now conversations
about drinking?
I explain to my older son that we have addiction in our family and I really don't like, I don't
(22:36):
want, he's at that age where they're getting together and they're starting to drink a little
bit.
He's not of age, but I'm not stupid and he doesn't lie to me and I'm grateful for that
because I'm, you know, I told him no matter where you are or what you do, you can always
call me.
I will ask no questions.
And he's even said, well, what about the next day?
(22:56):
I'm like, nope, as long as you let me come and get you and your friends, it's done, it's
done, it's over with.
But you need to understand that addiction is genetic and you could carry that gene to
make you an addict.
My father was an addict, my grandfather was an addict.
My, I believe my mom's side, there was some alcoholism.
(23:19):
They, I've never had a chance to ask her before she passed on.
And that's when my alcohol really spun out of control was two years ago after my mom
died.
I went down that dark road and she never got to see me sober.
I, I'm so sorry.
(23:41):
I think my mom has passed and we lost both of our moms within an eight month, my husband
and I, an eight month span.
And I said, I felt like I needed to call all my friends who had lost their mom and say,
I'm so sorry, I just didn't know.
There's something really painful.
It's a different type of pain.
(24:06):
It's a different type of pain.
You don't know the loss until you lose a mom or parent or a mom.
And, and, and my mom was, we've butted heads a lot.
She's on my fourth step.
But still your mom.
Still my mom.
But, you know, she used to tell me, Kim, you need to quit drinking.
(24:28):
Kim, you need to quit drinking.
And I talked about this at AA the other day and it just, it's coming up on her two year
anniversary.
And I, that's my one regret is I never, my mom never got to see me sober until the day
she died I was drunk.
And I regret that so much.
(24:50):
She's so sorry.
I know.
She's here.
I know she's always with me.
But it's still hard.
It's still.
And your kids get to see you sober.
Yeah.
My kids get to see me sober.
You are right.
I'm so glad you got out of that.
Yes.
My kids get to see me sober and I am so grateful for that.
(25:11):
I really am.
That's beautiful.
And they, and they, and they talk to me now.
Yeah.
For the most part, they're teenagers.
Teenagers and boys.
And boys, yeah.
For the most part they talk to me.
But yeah, they get to see their moms sober.
And I don't know what situation we were in the other day and there was a bag and my,
(25:34):
my husband still drinks in front of me.
And I'm not fond of it, but I don't see anything.
But I looked at them one day and I told them to get rid of the, or there was a bottle of
booze in the kitchen.
And I said, can you just, you know, I just want to look at it.
I don't want to drink it.
And they're like, mom, you know, we're going to make dad, you know, get rid of all this.
And I'm like, no, you don't have to make him get rid of it.
(25:56):
Just ask him to just put it away.
I don't want to have to walk in through the kitchen and cook dinner and have a bottle
of alcohol staring in my face.
And you know, they're just so supportive, my boys.
They're so supportive and they are happy for me.
I think those are conversations as families come back together and how do we live a new
(26:21):
normal and, you know, we're coming up on the holidays and do we have alcohol with Christmas
dinner or how does that, how does that work?
Well, this year is going to be a little different one.
My son is leaving for the Marines in May.
And so we will, we're going to have our own family Thanksgiving, just the four of us will
(26:48):
set up the tree and we'll do our, a new tradition, so to say.
My side of the family doesn't, they drink and, and so we won't spend it with them.
And my, I don't really see my husband's side of the family, so I don't know what he'll
do with them.
(27:08):
But we'll have our own Thanksgiving for Christmas.
I haven't thought that far.
Yeah.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
I'll figure it when I get there.
Oh.
And tell us what's on your arm there.
After I got out of rehab the second time, I knew this was it.
I knew I got that sign and I knew this was it.
(27:28):
So I had one day at a time tattooed on my arm so I could look at it.
Anytime things get tough, I just rub my hand over it and I think one day at a time can.
That's beautiful.
And I think it's really great that you're starting new traditions.
That's a big tip for the, the holidays is things don't have to be the same as they always
(27:51):
were.
And having some new things that you're trying and implementing.
Yeah.
And we'll see where it goes from there.
If I stay home on Christmas and watch movies and eat chocolate, then that's what I do.
And I'll enjoy it.
I'll be okay with it.
As long as I'm with my kids, that's all that matters.
(28:14):
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Any last thoughts or things that you would like to share with others who are maybe thinking
this has gone too far but are scared?
Do it now before it gets worse because it's not going to get better.
(28:37):
It's only going to get worse.
If you're doubting you have a problem, you have a problem.
I never, I knew I had a problem.
I was in denial.
I knew I had a problem for many years.
And get the help because the end of that struggle and that journey to get clean is a whole
(29:06):
new life that is just amazing.
My life is more amazing now than it's been in as long as I can remember honestly.
Because like I told you before growing up, it was a pretty crappy life.
And I'm so much happier now and I look forward to getting up most mornings.
(29:31):
And I look forward to seeing my friends sober and my friends at drink.
My friends weren't big drinkers.
They were very casual drinkers.
I drink alone at home.
So seeing, going out to a movie, a friend of mine and I have been going to movies.
And it's really nice to be able to go out to a movie.
(29:52):
So do the work and you will be rewarded in so many ways that you never even knew existed.
And do you have any favorite recovery quotes?
Let go of that God one day at a time.
(30:14):
What does let go let God mean to you?
To me it means, you know, I gave it to God.
I asked for God to help me through this and to help me get sober.
And that second time when I relapsed, to me it was a God moment.
(30:39):
And I let go and I said, God I need help.
And I feel that He pulled me through and got me the help and every day He's walking with
me and showing me that this is what you needed to do.
You're doing it.
You got this, Kim.
It's beautiful, Kim.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
(31:02):
And for sharing your story with the alums and just the world around you.
It's a better place with you in it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for listening today to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you or someone you know needs help, please call 1-833-RCA-ALUMN.
(31:24):
Connect with our alumni community.
We're open to anyone pursuing recovery.
So if you're interested, come out to one of our alumni meetings.
Come out to one of our sober events.
We try to plan something every single month, either an active service or just a time of
fellowship.
And it's a really great time to get acquainted with other like-minded individuals who are
(31:46):
really wanting to pursue recovery.
So please join us.
Call a coordinator at RCA-1833-RCA-ALUMN and get connected today.
Thank you for listening to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode, please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review.
(32:09):
We love hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we continue
to share these incredible stories of recovery.
The RCA alumni team aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for those in the recovery
community regardless of their affiliation with RCA.
We host a full calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week, 365 days a year,
(32:36):
as well as free sober events every month.
To learn more about what we do, find us at rcaalumni.com.
Remember, if you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, pick up the phone and dial
1-833-RCA-ALUMN.
Help is available 24-7.
(32:59):
Listen to another episode now or join us next time for the Strength and Recovery podcast.
Welcome to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
(00:18):
We are here in beautiful St. Charles, Illinois, just outside the city of Chicago at the campus
this year, getting ready for alumni night, which is just a night in our facilities where
the alums come back and have a support meeting.
It's a really beautiful thing and certainly the highlight of the week for many people.
(00:44):
And I'm privileged to be here tonight and sitting down with Kim H. She is an alum of
St. Charles.
And we're just so glad to have you.
Thank you.
I'm happy to be here.
And we were just chatting and I honor you so much and just talking before about just
(01:08):
even having this conversation and the strength and honesty it takes to say, I'm in recovery.
Can you talk to us a little bit about that?
What makes you want to tell your story?
I'm proud of where I came from.
It was a very dark road and I can see the light now and I feel so much healthier and
(01:34):
so much better and it just is so freeing.
I feel so much freer than I did in my addiction.
And you were talking about how just telling your story and the power of that.
Oh yeah.
It's very powerful.
And I tell it to anyone who will listen.
(01:55):
My coworkers probably think I'm nuts sometimes because I'll tell anyone who will listen about
this is what happened to me and this is how I got sober and this is how I feel now.
And to tell people and to share my story with people brings me joy because I know if I just
helped that one person by telling my story then it was well worth it.
(02:19):
Well, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself today and how we came to know each
other?
Well, you know, it goes back to when I was a kid.
I had a rough childhood.
My dad was a Vietnam veteran.
I was born when he was in Vietnam.
(02:41):
We lived with my grandma and he came back and it was in the 60s.
I was born in 68 and he was hippie.
My parents were hippies and that was great.
That was our life.
But I always grew up with drugs and alcohol in my family.
I didn't know that smoking marijuana was against the law.
(03:02):
I didn't know that it was not right to do, especially back then.
So my dad always smoked pot and drank and that was our norm.
He grew pot in the backyard.
We had to call him Chinese tomato plants to our friends.
So as I got older and realized this wasn't right, I was like, wow, this is weird.
(03:24):
I wonder why he does that.
And in my teenage years, I decided that I needed to find out what the great thing was
about this marijuana.
As a child also, the trauma from childhood experiences, working my steps, I'm finding
(03:51):
out that a lot of my addiction stemmed from childhood trauma.
And my dad was an alcoholic.
He cheated on my mom.
We would wake up in the morning and there would be blood on the walls from my dad being
out and coming home drunk and him and my mom fighting.
(04:13):
We'd have to go out driving around from bar to bar looking for him in the middle of the
night, me and my little brother.
And that was just not normal, but I thought it was normal.
I thought this is what all families did.
I didn't know that this was so wrong.
And it led me to self-medicate and to try that marijuana that one time.
(04:38):
And I smoked pretty regularly through high school.
It was not a big drinker back then.
We just didn't do that.
We didn't do any other drugs back then.
We couldn't afford it.
But my dad always, he sold marijuana by then.
And so it was free.
I would just sneak it.
And he always knew, but I denied it of course because addicts are good buyers.
(05:04):
And so I went on to get in relationships that were abusive emotionally, sexually, physically.
And that was just the life that I thought was a normal life because that's what I grew
up watching was those things.
(05:27):
And as I got older, I couldn't smoke pot anymore so I started drinking.
Do you remember kind of that transition and what that feeling was that brought you to
the alcohol?
To escape, escaping my life.
(05:51):
And at first it was going out with the girls to the clubs.
And it was a lot of fun.
My drinking in the very beginning wasn't a problem.
I would drink on the weekends.
And then after work I'd have a glass or two of wine and then maybe the next few months
would be a more and more.
Before I knew it, I was drinking a bottle of wine every night and not really thinking it
(06:13):
was a big deal.
Talk to us a little bit about mommy wine culture.
Yeah.
It's huge.
I deserve the glass of wine at the end of the day.
It's very, very, very big.
And I even find myself to this day saying to people, hey, after work, let's go out for
(06:34):
a cup of coffee.
Because I forget sometimes.
And that's just the words that come out of our mouth because that's what all my kids,
friends, that's what we do.
And I'm okay with that being in that situation, but it is a wine culture for parents now and
a drinking culture.
(06:55):
When I was a kid, my dad was the only one who drank.
My mom never drank.
My mom never got together with the girls like we do with my son's parents or my son's
friend's parents and my clients or my coworkers.
And my mom didn't do any of that.
(07:16):
She stayed home.
But nowadays, yes, the culture of drinking wine is huge.
And there's pressure for everybody to participate.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And it's okay.
A lot of those people don't have the problems.
But for that one person like myself, it doesn't end there.
(07:37):
It continues.
And when did you start to realize this is a problem?
Probably when I was showing up to PTO meetings drunk and sitting next to the principal praying
he didn't smell alcohol on me.
I was fortunate.
(07:58):
I very rarely drove when I was drinking.
I had friends that would pick me up because they knew I'd be having cocktails while I
cooked dinner because I couldn't cook dinner without having a couple cocktails.
And then I couldn't start dinner without having a couple cocktails.
And then it was time for a meeting.
And I was just like, gosh, I really shouldn't be going to these meetings drinking.
(08:23):
And not only that, I was the chairperson for our scouting, the kids in scouting.
And I would go to those drinking.
And it was so wrong.
And I look back and I'm embarrassed.
(08:44):
I know those people knew I was drinking.
I was just fooling myself.
I think it's just so beautiful how you're so willing to talk about this story.
I think so many in today's world do run into trouble or got in, you know, we're drinking
during COVID and couldn't stop and needed to go back to work and maybe feel like, oh,
(09:10):
well, I need to shove this under the rug.
And you have this story and you're so willing and so open.
You're just saying, like, I'll tell anybody my story.
You know, when it's like, that's not the norm.
And people are so ingrained with the shame and the stigma surrounding this disease.
(09:31):
I got over that.
I got over that the day I checked into RCA.
I put on Facebook, I'm going away for 30 days to get sober, see you when I'm clean.
And I had a few people message me and say, why would you put that on Facebook?
And I said, well, I'm calling myself out.
(09:54):
And if people know what I'm going through and they need help, maybe they'll get help
too.
And I want people to know that I have sickness.
And, you know, maybe if they can help me in any way, that's great.
If I can help them in any way, that's great.
And I was being held accountable.
I'm just genuinely moved by that honesty.
(10:20):
I think it's really unique to your story.
And I see how you interact with the others and the light you bring.
And, you know, we just help set up the meeting.
I don't know.
I think Amber set up the meeting.
We watched.
We watched, yes.
We pretend we helped, right?
Yeah, we were managing it all.
(10:40):
But you just bring this light with you, and I'm grateful for that.
And I think it's really unique.
Thank you.
I just love being sober.
And I feel like I can't even...
I'm so proud of my recovery.
(11:03):
And I'm so proud that I can sit here with you today and talk about this.
And I don't want to say I'm proud of my alcoholism or my disease, but I'm proud of where it brought
me to.
I'm proud of the person I am today because of it.
And you said earlier, you just said, I've done the work.
(11:25):
I think we're the words you use.
Yeah, you have to do the work.
You have to...
You know, I came here for 30 days.
I went home, and within three weeks I relapsed, and I didn't do the work.
I didn't go to meetings.
I didn't come to alumni.
I didn't get a sponsor.
(11:45):
I didn't start my steps.
And the step work is not for everybody, but for me it's very important.
And I just thought, I'm done.
I can live my life.
Got it out of my system.
Yeah, I'm good to go.
And I was back here in three weeks, and that's when I realized I need to do the work.
And a lot of times people think I have fought the physical battle, right, that the drug
(12:10):
or the alcohol is now out of my body, and so I've done...
And I can go about life.
And what we realize is there's a whole mental...
Huge.
...and spiritual, body, mind, and soul spirit that has to come together to work together.
(12:32):
That's very true.
There's so much more to just the physical addiction of it.
The mental addiction to me is far more powerful than the physical addiction was.
I need to stay busy.
I need to help people.
I need to be with people.
I can't be held up in my house or my bedroom or wherever.
(12:55):
And that's me by nature.
I work with people all day long every day.
That's my job.
So when I'm not at work, I was self-isolating, and that's when I would do most of my drinking
with home alone.
And now I try not to be home alone.
(13:16):
I try not to be home at all.
But I like to help people.
I like to be with people.
It's a whole other kind of...
It's a dopamine for me to be serving people and to be helpful at things.
I'm always trying to...
I can help you with this or I can help you with that.
(13:38):
Amber, if you need help, let me know.
And I get a lot of pride and joy out of that for myself.
I like being needed.
Maybe that's it.
You said that it was getting sober, staying sober.
Is life or death for you?
It is.
It is.
I don't know.
My liver enzymes for years have been bad.
(14:02):
And when you go to the doctor and you get all your liver enzymes are high, you have
fatty liver.
Everybody has fatty liver.
A lot of people have fatty liver.
My age is not uncommon.
Enzymes are high.
Come back on the alcohol chem and don't take ibuprofen or acetaminophen.
In my case, I can't take either anymore.
(14:25):
Watch your fat.
I can't take fast foods, things like that.
And I just would brush it off and brush it off for years.
And before I got sober, my primary doctor said, you need to go see a liver doctor.
Your enzymes are really bad.
Your platelets are very low.
And I saw the liver doctor and he said, well, the next time I see you, I want your husband
(14:52):
to be with you.
He goes, you need to quit drinking.
And I said, okay, and he asked how much I drank and I lied.
I told him I drank a bottle of wine and I ate him.
He was like, that is way too much.
When in reality, I drank a whole lot more than that.
And I just hid it from everybody.
And he said, if you don't quit drinking, you will die.
(15:18):
And he was very adamant.
If you don't quit drinking, you will die.
And I continued to drink.
I didn't listen to him.
And finally-
Do you think it was denial at that point?
Oh, yeah, for sure.
I was in denial.
I said, ah, I'll be fine.
I'll just cut back.
I'll cut back.
I'll cut back.
And finally, I decided that I needed to get sober.
(15:41):
I needed to stop showing up to things drunk, making a fool out of myself and not remembering
how I got home, how I got in my pajamas, how I got in my bed, and embarrassing my kids.
They didn't want me around their friends anymore.
So I came in and my liver enzymes were extremely high.
(16:06):
And I got out and I went to see the liver doctor and he said, you need to go for this
special scan.
You got out.
This is after you've left RCA?
The first time, yeah.
That's the first time.
I went and saw him in that three-week span.
And he said, you need to get this special scan.
And I said, okay, no problem.
And then like I said before, I relapsed, got back out after that relapsed and went and
(16:30):
saw him.
I had this special scan and the scan showed that I had stage four liver failure.
And my liver enzymes were okay at that point.
But I still, I have liver damage beyond repair.
(16:51):
It cannot repair itself any longer.
As I stated before, I cannot take any over-the-counter pain medicines anymore.
I have to eat a Mediterranean diet, which is really hard when you're in recovery because
you really like sugar and chocolate.
So I'm struggling with that right now, but I'm figuring it's kind of like one addiction
(17:14):
at a time.
I have to allow myself a little chocolate every night.
My liver is functioning fine right now.
And as long as I don't drink, I should be able to live a pretty normal life.
But if I do drink, I will die.
And there's a saying that says to drink is to die and that's me.
(17:38):
Kim, I'm so sorry to hear that.
And it's, you carry yourself with such light.
I think that's, you know, and I think you've got a message you're carrying.
And I can't, you know, I can't go back.
(17:58):
And that's, you know, I can't sit and cry over it.
It is what it is.
The damage is done.
I can just go forward and, you know, be the best, healthiest person I can be and try and
help other people in my situation and to let them know, you know, there is help.
(18:19):
Getting sober was the best thing I've ever done in my life.
Aside from my children, I'm pretty proud of those guys, but getting sober is the best
thing I've done for myself in my life.
And we have any examples of how, you know, you work in the people industry.
Just sharing your story has led you to help another person?
(18:46):
My Facebook post, I have probably a good half dozen or more people that have reached out
to me through Messenger.
Their daughter is struggling.
Their son, their spouse.
I've given them the number here.
I've given them, you know, obviously call me anytime or have them call me.
(19:09):
I'll talk to them about what life is like for me now and show them that, you know, you
don't have to wake up every morning with the shakes and thinking about, gosh, when am I
going to be able to drink today?
So I don't have the shakes anymore.
You know, that is such a blessing in itself that, you know, when I go to work in the morning
and I don't eat breakfast the other day and I'm a little shaky, it kind of brings back
(19:32):
those memories and my clients will laugh and they'll be like, oh my gosh, I remember when
you, you know, we come in every day like this and like, no, not anymore.
It's just because I didn't eat breakfast today.
But I think, you know, just spreading my word helps people.
I told you earlier that I, you know, I'll tell people in the grocery store and tell
them, oh, I'm, you know, recovering alcoholic.
(19:55):
And I had a lady just the other day, she's like, my husband is too.
And we happened to go to the same AA club.
So that was, it was, you know, we live in a small town, so it's not probably that
normal.
But it was quite a coincidence.
And the meat lady at my grocery store, her son is an alcoholic and every now and again
(20:20):
should be like, hey, you know, this happened.
What do you think?
This has got to be ready.
And what a gift you give people just to be able to have those conversations.
I think so many times it's not a safe space for people to share.
My son is struggling or my daughter, or I'm struggling.
You know, it's just, there's such a stigma attached to it.
(20:43):
And I'm hoping, you know, in time that it won't be like that anymore because we all
know somebody that's suffering from some form of addiction.
We all do.
It's just, like you said, the mommy wine club.
I mean, it's out there.
And you may not, people may not think, it's not me.
(21:05):
I can quit whenever I want.
But sometimes they think, can you really?
Because I thought that too.
I can quit whenever I want until I wanted to and I couldn't.
Was there a moment when you realized, I want to cut back and I can't?
Do you remember?
Oh yeah.
When I saw the doctor, the liver doctor, or even the primary doctor the first time and
(21:29):
he had said he wanted me to see a liver specialist, I'm like, this is getting serious.
And I was like, okay, I'm just going to cut back.
And I did for maybe a day or two, but I couldn't.
Or my kids would say, mom, please.
I have teenage sons, what kind of example was I setting for them?
(21:50):
And they would say, mom, please, can you just cut back?
Can you just have one tonight?
Or they'd hide the liquor from me and I'd get really mad.
And I'd be like, give it back to me.
Give it back to me.
And I was just like, gosh, I've got to really try and stop, but I couldn't.
I just couldn't do it.
(22:11):
And how do you go from having those types of conversations with your boys to now conversations
about drinking?
I explain to my older son that we have addiction in our family and I really don't like, I don't
(22:36):
want, he's at that age where they're getting together and they're starting to drink a little
bit.
He's not of age, but I'm not stupid and he doesn't lie to me and I'm grateful for that
because I'm, you know, I told him no matter where you are or what you do, you can always
call me.
I will ask no questions.
And he's even said, well, what about the next day?
(22:56):
I'm like, nope, as long as you let me come and get you and your friends, it's done, it's
done, it's over with.
But you need to understand that addiction is genetic and you could carry that gene to
make you an addict.
My father was an addict, my grandfather was an addict.
My, I believe my mom's side, there was some alcoholism.
(23:19):
They, I've never had a chance to ask her before she passed on.
And that's when my alcohol really spun out of control was two years ago after my mom
died.
I went down that dark road and she never got to see me sober.
I, I'm so sorry.
(23:41):
I think my mom has passed and we lost both of our moms within an eight month, my husband
and I, an eight month span.
And I said, I felt like I needed to call all my friends who had lost their mom and say,
I'm so sorry, I just didn't know.
There's something really painful.
It's a different type of pain.
(24:06):
It's a different type of pain.
You don't know the loss until you lose a mom or parent or a mom.
And, and, and my mom was, we've butted heads a lot.
She's on my fourth step.
But still your mom.
Still my mom.
But, you know, she used to tell me, Kim, you need to quit drinking.
(24:28):
Kim, you need to quit drinking.
And I talked about this at AA the other day and it just, it's coming up on her two year
anniversary.
And I, that's my one regret is I never, my mom never got to see me sober until the day
she died I was drunk.
And I regret that so much.
(24:50):
She's so sorry.
I know.
She's here.
I know she's always with me.
But it's still hard.
It's still.
And your kids get to see you sober.
Yeah.
My kids get to see me sober.
You are right.
I'm so glad you got out of that.
Yes.
My kids get to see me sober and I am so grateful for that.
(25:11):
I really am.
That's beautiful.
And they, and they, and they talk to me now.
Yeah.
For the most part, they're teenagers.
Teenagers and boys.
And boys, yeah.
For the most part they talk to me.
But yeah, they get to see their moms sober.
And I don't know what situation we were in the other day and there was a bag and my,
(25:34):
my husband still drinks in front of me.
And I'm not fond of it, but I don't see anything.
But I looked at them one day and I told them to get rid of the, or there was a bottle of
booze in the kitchen.
And I said, can you just, you know, I just want to look at it.
I don't want to drink it.
And they're like, mom, you know, we're going to make dad, you know, get rid of all this.
And I'm like, no, you don't have to make him get rid of it.
(25:56):
Just ask him to just put it away.
I don't want to have to walk in through the kitchen and cook dinner and have a bottle
of alcohol staring in my face.
And you know, they're just so supportive, my boys.
They're so supportive and they are happy for me.
I think those are conversations as families come back together and how do we live a new
(26:21):
normal and, you know, we're coming up on the holidays and do we have alcohol with Christmas
dinner or how does that, how does that work?
Well, this year is going to be a little different one.
My son is leaving for the Marines in May.
And so we will, we're going to have our own family Thanksgiving, just the four of us will
(26:48):
set up the tree and we'll do our, a new tradition, so to say.
My side of the family doesn't, they drink and, and so we won't spend it with them.
And my, I don't really see my husband's side of the family, so I don't know what he'll
do with them.
(27:08):
But we'll have our own Thanksgiving for Christmas.
I haven't thought that far.
Yeah.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
I'll figure it when I get there.
Oh.
And tell us what's on your arm there.
After I got out of rehab the second time, I knew this was it.
I knew I got that sign and I knew this was it.
(27:28):
So I had one day at a time tattooed on my arm so I could look at it.
Anytime things get tough, I just rub my hand over it and I think one day at a time can.
That's beautiful.
And I think it's really great that you're starting new traditions.
That's a big tip for the, the holidays is things don't have to be the same as they always
(27:51):
were.
And having some new things that you're trying and implementing.
Yeah.
And we'll see where it goes from there.
If I stay home on Christmas and watch movies and eat chocolate, then that's what I do.
And I'll enjoy it.
I'll be okay with it.
As long as I'm with my kids, that's all that matters.
(28:14):
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Any last thoughts or things that you would like to share with others who are maybe thinking
this has gone too far but are scared?
Do it now before it gets worse because it's not going to get better.
(28:37):
It's only going to get worse.
If you're doubting you have a problem, you have a problem.
I never, I knew I had a problem.
I was in denial.
I knew I had a problem for many years.
And get the help because the end of that struggle and that journey to get clean is a whole
(29:06):
new life that is just amazing.
My life is more amazing now than it's been in as long as I can remember honestly.
Because like I told you before growing up, it was a pretty crappy life.
And I'm so much happier now and I look forward to getting up most mornings.
(29:31):
And I look forward to seeing my friends sober and my friends at drink.
My friends weren't big drinkers.
They were very casual drinkers.
I drink alone at home.
So seeing, going out to a movie, a friend of mine and I have been going to movies.
And it's really nice to be able to go out to a movie.
(29:52):
So do the work and you will be rewarded in so many ways that you never even knew existed.
And do you have any favorite recovery quotes?
Let go of that God one day at a time.
(30:14):
What does let go let God mean to you?
To me it means, you know, I gave it to God.
I asked for God to help me through this and to help me get sober.
And that second time when I relapsed, to me it was a God moment.
(30:39):
And I let go and I said, God I need help.
And I feel that He pulled me through and got me the help and every day He's walking with
me and showing me that this is what you needed to do.
You're doing it.
You got this, Kim.
It's beautiful, Kim.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
(31:02):
And for sharing your story with the alums and just the world around you.
It's a better place with you in it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for listening today to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you or someone you know needs help, please call 1-833-RCA-ALUMN.
(31:24):
Connect with our alumni community.
We're open to anyone pursuing recovery.
So if you're interested, come out to one of our alumni meetings.
Come out to one of our sober events.
We try to plan something every single month, either an active service or just a time of
fellowship.
And it's a really great time to get acquainted with other like-minded individuals who are
(31:46):
really wanting to pursue recovery.
So please join us.
Call a coordinator at RCA-1833-RCA-ALUMN and get connected today.
Thank you for listening to the Strength and Recovery podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode, please tap the subscribe button and leave us a review.
(32:09):
We love hearing from our listeners and hope to reach more of you out there as we continue
to share these incredible stories of recovery.
The RCA alumni team aims to provide a safe, supportive environment for those in the recovery
community regardless of their affiliation with RCA.
We host a full calendar of virtual and in-person meetings seven days a week, 365 days a year,
(32:36):
as well as free sober events every month.
To learn more about what we do, find us at rcaalumni.com.
Remember, if you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, pick up the phone and dial
1-833-RCA-ALUMN.
Help is available 24-7.
(32:59):
Listen to another episode now or join us next time for the Strength and Recovery podcast.
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