179. The Hidden Anxiety of Managing Up

Have you ever held back from asking a question or saying "no" because you were afraid it might insinuate that your boss isn’t competent, credible, or caring? 

That fear—known as insinuation anxiety—can keep even the most skilled leaders from speaking up when it matters most. In this episode, we explore why managing up is emotionally tricky and how to ask tough questions without compromising trust. 

Looking for a community of leaders where you can tackle real challenges, share wins, and grow together—without office politics getting in the way? Join Leadership Thought Partners, a coach-led, group-directed space launching in July—early bird pricing ends May 31, 2025 at strongleadersserve.com/ltp! 

Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/

Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongleadersserve.com/coaching

Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall

Episode Transcript

Teri Schmidt (00:00):
Welcome back to Strong Leaders.
Serve the podcast forcompassionate driven leaders who
want to lead with both heart andresults.
I'm your host, Terry Schmidt,executive and leadership coach
at Strong Leaders Serve, wherewe believe that leadership is an
art, and that holding thetension between compassion and
accountability requirespractice, courage, and

(00:22):
community.
Today we're talking about achallenge that many
compassionate leaders face, butrarely name.
Have you ever hesitated to sayno or to ask a clarifying
question because you were afraidof what it might imply?
Maybe you didn't wanna seem likeyou were questioning someone's
motives, or you're worried thata simple clarification would
sound like an accusation.

(00:44):
That experience has a name.
Insinuation anxiety, and ifyou're someone who cares deeply
about relationships, especiallywhen you're managing up or
navigating power dynamics, thenthis episode is for you.
So let's get to it.

(01:56):
I first heard of the terminsinuation anxiety from Dr.
Sunita sa.
A physician and behavioralscientist in her excellent new
book defy the power of No.
In a world that demands, yes, itrefers to the discomfort we feel
when we fear that saying no orasking a clarifying question

(02:17):
might insinuate that the personwe're talking to is not
trustworthy or competent, forcompassionate driven leaders,
this anxiety can be even moreacute because we likely pride
ourselves on seeing the best inpeople and building them up.
We are naturally drawn to seeingtheir strengths.

(02:37):
We also likely care aboutharmony and about how others
feel.
And when we're dealing withsomeone in a position of
authority like our boss, it'seasy to fall into silence,
avoiding clarifying questions orwatering down our concerns.
But here's the catch, when wesilence ourselves to avoid the

(02:59):
appearance of conflict.
We often sacrifice clarity,alignment, and effectiveness.
So let me give you a real lifeexample of how insinuation
anxiety can show up.
One of my coaching clients willcall her.
Maya was already swamped withhigh priority projects when her

(03:19):
director assigned her yetanother task coordinating a last
minute internal event.
The request came without muchcontext and according to Maya,
it didn't seem aligned with theteam's current goals or urgent
priorities.
She wanted to ask, is thisreally the best use of my time

(03:40):
right now?
But she hesitated, she said, Idon't want her to think I'm
questioning her judgment, orthat I think this task isn't
important.
I respect her and I know she hasa lot on her plate too.
That moment of pause, that fearof asking might insinuate her
boss was wrong or misjudgingwhat's important.

(04:02):
That's classic insinuationanxiety.
And for Maya, it wasn't aboutbeing unwilling to help, it was
about wanting to serve thebigger picture.
Well.
While still honoring hercapacity, but her compassion
rooted in her respect for herboss was keeping her silent.
Together, we reframed theconversation.

(04:22):
Instead of positioning it aspushback, she approached it as a
request for alignment.
I want to make sure I'm givingmy best to the team's top
priorities.
Can we talk about where thisfalls in the bigger picture so I
can adjust accordingly?
Her director respondedpositively and in fact agreed to
reassign the task.
Once she realized the currentworkload that Maya was

(04:44):
balancing.
By naming her concern with careand curiosity, Maya didn't just
protect the relationship, shestrengthened it.
So why does this hit especiallyhard for those of us who are
compassionate driven leaders?
Because many of us don't justcare about people.
We genuinely believe in them,especially when it comes to

(05:05):
those in senior roles.
We often assume competence,integrity, and good intent.
We trust our leaders.
We want them to succeed ourcompassion isn't just warmth,
it's faith in their strengths.
So when we feel the need to aska difficult question, say no, or

(05:25):
challenge a directive, it feelslike we're betraying that faith.
Like we're saying, I don't thinkyou're as competent, thoughtful,
or ethical as you should be.
That's the heart of insinuationanxiety.
The fear that our question mightbe misread as a judgment on
someone's character.
And for those of us who prideourselves on being supportive

(05:45):
and loyal, that's deeplyuncomfortable.
But here's the twist, avoidingthe question doesn't protect the
relationship.
It just keeps us out ofdiscomfort and when we keep
quiet, we withhold the veryclarity and perspective that
could make both of us moresuccessful.
So how do we move throughinsinuation anxiety?

(06:07):
Here are a few ways to practice.
First name it, just recognizingthe emotion can loosen its grip.
If you're hesitating, askyourself, am I afraid of what
this might insinuate?
Number two, lead with intent.
Start with your why.
For example, saying, I wannamake sure I'm aligned with your

(06:29):
priorities, signals trust andcollaboration, not doubt.
Number three, reframe the ask.
Instead of thinking, I'mquestioning them.
Try, I'm helping us succeedtogether.
Questions can be acts of care.
Fourth, anchor it and sharedgoals.

(06:50):
Bring the conversation back towhat matters to both of you, the
mission, the quality, the peopleyou're serving.
Fifth, practice curiosity overconclusion.
You're not delivering ajudgment, you're opening a
dialogue.
And sixth, Dr.
SA recommends giving it somespace.

(07:12):
Saying that you want to thinkabout it can often separate you
enough from the situation thatyou are better able to say no or
ask that clarifying question thenext time you come back
together, so as we wrap up, Iwanna offer you a challenge this
week.
Notice when you hesitate to aska question, push back, or

(07:35):
clarify a directive.
Ask yourself, what am I afraidthat this might insinuate?
Then ask yourself, what's thecost if I don't say anything?
You can believe in someone'sstrengths and still ask for
clarity.
You can respect your leader andoffer a different perspective.

(07:56):
You can be compassionate andcourageous.
That's the kind of leader ourworkplaces need right now.
If this episode resonated withyou, I'd love to hear your
thoughts or the moments whenyou've faced this kind of
tension yourself.
Reach out to me on LinkedIn andlet me know what you think.
Until next time.

(08:17):
Remember, strong leaders don'tjust serve others.
They serve truth, clarity, andtrust.
Even when it's uncomfortable.