June 4, 2025 • 10 mins
Have you ever received feedback that felt like a personal attack, even when you knew it shouldn’t be?
In this episode, Teri Schmidt shares a vulnerable story from her own life and reveals why our brains react defensively when our ideas feel tied to our identity.
Discover the neuroscience behind this reaction, learn powerful tools to create distance between who you are and what you believe, and hear how LEGO® Serious Play® can actually make feedback feel less threatening. Listen to unlock fresh strategies for transforming feedback from a source of stress into fuel for your leadership growth!
Looking for a community of leaders where you can tackle real challenges, share wins, and grow together—without office politics getting in the way? Join Leadership Thought Partners, a coach-led, group-directed space launching in July—early bird pricing ends May 31, 2025 at strongleadersserve.com/ltp!
Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/
Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongleadersserve.com/coaching
Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Hey there.
Welcome back to Strong Leaders.
Serve the Show wherecompassionate driven leaders
come to gain clarity,confidence, and connection
without losing themselves in theprocess.
I'm so glad you're here with metoday.
Today's episode is for anyonewho's ever bristled at feedback,
(00:21):
not because it was poorlydelivered, not because it was
wrong, but because it just hittoo close to home.
I am right there with you.
In fact, in this episode, you'llhear a story from my own life
where this came up, how itcaught me off guard, and how a
surprising tool Lego seriousplay helped me see the real
(00:44):
issue.
And if you've ever tied youridentity to an idea or found
yourself shutting down in theface of helpful input, you're
not alone.
Let's unpack why it happens andhow we can create just enough
space between who we are andwhat we believe to lead with
more courage, clarity, andgrowth.
(01:06):
I am Terry Schmidt, executiveand leadership coach at Strong
Leaders Serve, where I partnerwith compassionate driven
leaders to transform potentialin themselves and on their teams
into performance.
And this is the Strong LeadersServe Podcast.
(01:39):
All right, so let's get intothis story.
Not long ago I was actuallytalking with my family about my
business.
They asked thoughtful, curiousquestions, ones that I would
normally welcome from a peer ormentor, but in that moment, I
completely shut down.
Their questions didn't feelhelpful.
They felt critical.
(02:00):
I walked away feeling judged andstrangely shaken.
It actually lasted for a coupleof weeks.
But later, after somereflection, I realized the
problem wasn't the questionsthey were asking or even the way
that they asked them.
It was my attachment.
I had unconsciously fused mybusiness ideas with my identity.
(02:21):
I had fallen into a commonproblem for people who own their
own businesses, and in that,anytime my family challenged the
idea that I had proposed, itfelt like a challenge to me.
And as I've come to see, thishappens a lot, especially for
leaders who care deeply abouttheir work.
So why does this happen?
(02:42):
Well, from a neuroscienceperspective, when we tie our
identity to a belief or astrategy and someone challenges
it, the brain actually perceivesthat as a threat to the self,
the amygdala, the brain's alarmsystem lights up.
It triggers a defensive reactionshutting down the parts of the
brain that help us to reason,reflect.
(03:04):
And stay open.
No wonder I was having troublein that conversation with my
family.
In fact, FMRI studies have shownthat when people are confronted
with information thatcontradicts their deeply held
beliefs, they activate the samebrain regions involved in
processing physical pain anddanger.
So it's no wonder that feedbackfeels so difficult, especially
(03:26):
when we have attached our ideasto our identity.
But here's the good news.
There is a way out of thatdefensive loop.
I discovered this during mycertification and Lego Serious
play.
It's a technique that I learnedto use in both one-on-one
coaching and group environments.
And when I was going through thetraining, I experienced
something profound.
(03:47):
I was asked to build a modelrepresenting a challenge in my
business, kind of similar to theconversation I was having with
my family.
But this time I used Lego bricksto create something physical,
something outside of myself.
As I explained the model toothers in my group, I felt a
shift.
I wasn't talking about me, I wastalking about a structure I had
(04:10):
built.
Suddenly the feedback andquestions that were actually
very similar to those that myfamily had been asking, they
didn't feel quite as personal.
They felt helpful.
I had become the developer ofthe idea, not its defender.
That kind of externalization hasreal neurological benefits.
(04:31):
It's similar to a techniquethat's used in therapy called
cognitive diffusion.
It's all about creating spacebetween you and your thoughts.
When we do this, whether bybuilding, writing, sketching, or
even speaking in metaphor, wereduce emotional reactivity and
increase activation in theprefrontal cortex.
(04:54):
The part of the brainresponsible for perspective
taking and decision making, andthat's what makes Lego serious
play so powerful and why I loveto use it with my clients.
It literally helps your brainmake feedback safer by turning
your ideas into objects,something separate from your
identity.
So what can you do today tocreate space between your
(05:18):
identity and your ideas?
Well, let me start by offeringfour simple but powerful shifts.
First name it.
Say to yourself, this is anidea, not who I am.
Even that small reframe changeshow your brain relates to the
feedback that you might get onthat idea.
Second, externalize it.
(05:40):
Write the idea down, build it,draw it, speak it aloud.
The more you get it out of yourhead, the less personally fused
it becomes.
Third, reconnect to your values.
When feedback feels like athreat, ask yourself, what value
am I trying to protect orexpress here?
(06:01):
Often it's not about the idea.
It's about a deeper commitmentthat you feel particularly
attached to, that's representedin that idea that you've
attached to that idea.
And fourth, get externalperspective.
Sometimes you're just too closeto your idea.
That's where a coach, a trustedcolleague, or even a peer can be
(06:23):
invaluable.
Someone outside of your internalthought loop can reflect what
they see.
Help you ask better questionsand gently challenge the fusion
between your idea and youridentity.
In fact, this is one of the corereasons people seek coaching,
not just to generate new ideas,but to grow the capacity to work
(06:43):
on their ideas without beingdefined by them.
In addition to those fourpractical tips that you can
start employing right away, staytuned.
As I am going to be announcingshortly a new group coaching
opportunity that I'm releasingthis fall.
It's gonna be short sprintsfocused on common leadership
(07:06):
challenges like leading throughchange, handling, difficult
feedback, influencing withoutauthority.
But the twist is in thesesessions we are going to be
using Lego serious play.
It is gonna be so much fun andyou will get to experience
firsthand how it feels toutilize the Lego bricks to build
(07:28):
your ideas outside of yourselfand the progress that you can
make when you are able toachieve just that little bit of
separation.
So stay tuned for that.
And as we close, remember, ifyou've ever walked away from a
feedback conversation, feelinglike you needed to protect
yourself, I hope today's episodehelps you shift that story just
(07:50):
a bit, because you are not youridea.
You are the person shaping it,testing it, evolving it, and
when you claim that spacebetween who you are and what you
believe, other people's feedbackbecomes fuel.
Instead of fire, then that'swhen real growth and real
leadership becomes possible.
Thanks for listening.
(08:10):
If this episode resonated withyou, I'd love to hear your
story.
When has feedback felt personalfor you and what helped you move
through it if we're not alreadyconnected on LinkedIn.
Find me on LinkedIn and shareyour story with me.
I would love to talk about it.
Until next time, keep leadingwith compassion and courage.
Hey there.
Welcome back to Strong Leaders.
Serve the Show wherecompassionate driven leaders
come to gain clarity,confidence, and connection
without losing themselves in theprocess.
I'm so glad you're here with metoday.
Today's episode is for anyonewho's ever bristled at feedback,
(00:21):
not because it was poorlydelivered, not because it was
wrong, but because it just hittoo close to home.
I am right there with you.
In fact, in this episode, you'llhear a story from my own life
where this came up, how itcaught me off guard, and how a
surprising tool Lego seriousplay helped me see the real
(00:44):
issue.
And if you've ever tied youridentity to an idea or found
yourself shutting down in theface of helpful input, you're
not alone.
Let's unpack why it happens andhow we can create just enough
space between who we are andwhat we believe to lead with
more courage, clarity, andgrowth.
(01:06):
I am Terry Schmidt, executiveand leadership coach at Strong
Leaders Serve, where I partnerwith compassionate driven
leaders to transform potentialin themselves and on their teams
into performance.
And this is the Strong LeadersServe Podcast.
(01:39):
All right, so let's get intothis story.
Not long ago I was actuallytalking with my family about my
business.
They asked thoughtful, curiousquestions, ones that I would
normally welcome from a peer ormentor, but in that moment, I
completely shut down.
Their questions didn't feelhelpful.
They felt critical.
(02:00):
I walked away feeling judged andstrangely shaken.
It actually lasted for a coupleof weeks.
But later, after somereflection, I realized the
problem wasn't the questionsthey were asking or even the way
that they asked them.
It was my attachment.
I had unconsciously fused mybusiness ideas with my identity.
(02:21):
I had fallen into a commonproblem for people who own their
own businesses, and in that,anytime my family challenged the
idea that I had proposed, itfelt like a challenge to me.
And as I've come to see, thishappens a lot, especially for
leaders who care deeply abouttheir work.
So why does this happen?
(02:42):
Well, from a neuroscienceperspective, when we tie our
identity to a belief or astrategy and someone challenges
it, the brain actually perceivesthat as a threat to the self,
the amygdala, the brain's alarmsystem lights up.
It triggers a defensive reactionshutting down the parts of the
brain that help us to reason,reflect.
(03:04):
And stay open.
No wonder I was having troublein that conversation with my
family.
In fact, FMRI studies have shownthat when people are confronted
with information thatcontradicts their deeply held
beliefs, they activate the samebrain regions involved in
processing physical pain anddanger.
So it's no wonder that feedbackfeels so difficult, especially
(03:26):
when we have attached our ideasto our identity.
But here's the good news.
There is a way out of thatdefensive loop.
I discovered this during mycertification and Lego Serious
play.
It's a technique that I learnedto use in both one-on-one
coaching and group environments.
And when I was going through thetraining, I experienced
something profound.
(03:47):
I was asked to build a modelrepresenting a challenge in my
business, kind of similar to theconversation I was having with
my family.
But this time I used Lego bricksto create something physical,
something outside of myself.
As I explained the model toothers in my group, I felt a
shift.
I wasn't talking about me, I wastalking about a structure I had
(04:10):
built.
Suddenly the feedback andquestions that were actually
very similar to those that myfamily had been asking, they
didn't feel quite as personal.
They felt helpful.
I had become the developer ofthe idea, not its defender.
That kind of externalization hasreal neurological benefits.
(04:31):
It's similar to a techniquethat's used in therapy called
cognitive diffusion.
It's all about creating spacebetween you and your thoughts.
When we do this, whether bybuilding, writing, sketching, or
even speaking in metaphor, wereduce emotional reactivity and
increase activation in theprefrontal cortex.
(04:54):
The part of the brainresponsible for perspective
taking and decision making, andthat's what makes Lego serious
play so powerful and why I loveto use it with my clients.
It literally helps your brainmake feedback safer by turning
your ideas into objects,something separate from your
identity.
So what can you do today tocreate space between your
(05:18):
identity and your ideas?
Well, let me start by offeringfour simple but powerful shifts.
First name it.
Say to yourself, this is anidea, not who I am.
Even that small reframe changeshow your brain relates to the
feedback that you might get onthat idea.
Second, externalize it.
(05:40):
Write the idea down, build it,draw it, speak it aloud.
The more you get it out of yourhead, the less personally fused
it becomes.
Third, reconnect to your values.
When feedback feels like athreat, ask yourself, what value
am I trying to protect orexpress here?
(06:01):
Often it's not about the idea.
It's about a deeper commitmentthat you feel particularly
attached to, that's representedin that idea that you've
attached to that idea.
And fourth, get externalperspective.
Sometimes you're just too closeto your idea.
That's where a coach, a trustedcolleague, or even a peer can be
(06:23):
invaluable.
Someone outside of your internalthought loop can reflect what
they see.
Help you ask better questionsand gently challenge the fusion
between your idea and youridentity.
In fact, this is one of the corereasons people seek coaching,
not just to generate new ideas,but to grow the capacity to work
(06:43):
on their ideas without beingdefined by them.
In addition to those fourpractical tips that you can
start employing right away, staytuned.
As I am going to be announcingshortly a new group coaching
opportunity that I'm releasingthis fall.
It's gonna be short sprintsfocused on common leadership
(07:06):
challenges like leading throughchange, handling, difficult
feedback, influencing withoutauthority.
But the twist is in thesesessions we are going to be
using Lego serious play.
It is gonna be so much fun andyou will get to experience
firsthand how it feels toutilize the Lego bricks to build
(07:28):
your ideas outside of yourselfand the progress that you can
make when you are able toachieve just that little bit of
separation.
So stay tuned for that.
And as we close, remember, ifyou've ever walked away from a
feedback conversation, feelinglike you needed to protect
yourself, I hope today's episodehelps you shift that story just
(07:50):
a bit, because you are not youridea.
You are the person shaping it,testing it, evolving it, and
when you claim that spacebetween who you are and what you
believe, other people's feedbackbecomes fuel.
Instead of fire, then that'swhen real growth and real
leadership becomes possible.
Thanks for listening.
(08:10):
If this episode resonated withyou, I'd love to hear your
story.
When has feedback felt personalfor you and what helped you move
through it if we're not alreadyconnected on LinkedIn.
Find me on LinkedIn and shareyour story with me.
I would love to talk about it.
Until next time, keep leadingwith compassion and courage.
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