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June 11, 2025 16 mins

In this episode, we explore the leadership skill most of us avoid: difficult conversations. 

You'll learn the mindset shifts that help you move from avoidance to courage, practical techniques to navigate tough talks with clarity and care, and the ripple effect these conversations can have on trust, team culture, and your own confidence. 

This episode also kicks off a 4-part series leading into the Leadership Build Series—a hands-on group learning experience using LEGO® Serious Play®. Full details coming July 2! 



Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/

Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongleadersserve.com/coaching

Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What's a conversation thatyou've been avoiding lately?
Maybe it's a teammate whoseperformance has slipped, or a
peer who constantly interruptsyou in meetings or someone who
you care about deeply.
But the tension between you isgrowing.
You tell yourself you'll bringit up when the time is right,
but that time never seems tocome.

(00:24):
I know what you're goingthrough.
I've been there and I continueto be there each day.
I tend to be a little bitconflict avoidant, and so when
difficult conversations comeinto my path, and I know that I
need to have them because I knowof all of the benefits of having
them.
I still go through this struggleand try to avoid it as much as I

(00:45):
can.
So that's what we're gonna betackling today.
In today's episode, it is atopic that every leader wrestles
with difficult conversations, Weare really gonna just be
scratching the surface today,although you will leave with
some practical ideas that youcan try out right away.
This is the first in a four partseries highlighting some of the

(01:08):
most common and most avoidedchallenges that leaders face.
These episodes will not onlygive you practical tools, but
they will also serve as afoundation for something I'm
really excited to share comingthis September right around when
the school year starts, I willbe leading unique group learning
experiences using Lego seriousplay.

(01:31):
It is gonna consist of fourdifferent workshops and
together.
They're called the LeadershipBuild Series.
It's designed for leaders whowanna explore real challenges,
like difficult conversations,delegation, leading through
change, and influencing withoutauthority in a hands-on
collaborative creativeenvironment.

(01:52):
I'll share more about how youcan be part of that during our
final episode of this season onJuly 2nd, so make sure you stay
tuned.
But today, let's start with theleadership moment that so many
of us delay the conversationwe'd rather not have and how to
stop avoiding it.
I'm Terry Schmidt, executive andleadership coach at Strong

(02:12):
Leaders Serve, where I partnerwith compassionate driven
leaders to transform potentialinto performance.
And this is the Strong LeadersServe podcast.

(02:38):
So let's jump in by thinkingabout what happens before the
conversation, because as Italked about, I often, and I'm
sure you might as well avoid theconversation altogether.
I do it in a very creative way,saying it's not the right time
or finding a way to get busydoing something else or just

(03:02):
talking to someone else and itfeels okay.
'cause avoidance feelscomfortable in the moment.
It keeps the peace, it preventsawkwardness, and it lets us stay
in the illusion thateverything's fine.
But neuroscience and experiencetell us the truth.
Avoidance doesn't makediscomfort disappear.

(03:23):
It just delays and multipliesit.
Our brain interprets conflict asa threat.
The amygdala fires stress,hormone surge, and our natural
instinct is for to protectourselves either by fighting,
fleeing, or freezing.
That's why difficultconversations can feel so
intense.

(03:43):
Even before they happen.
And the more that we avoid it,the longer that state is going
to last in us.
So how do we move from avoidanceto courage?
Well, it first really startswith a shift in mindset.
So here are three simple butpowerful shifts that you can

(04:05):
practice the first shift asyou're thinking about the
conversation.
Instead of thinking, I have tobe right, think instead I have
something to learn.
Now, I know this is hard, butthis shift can help you to enter
the conversation with curiosity,not certainty, and that
completely changes the tone.

(04:27):
You ask more questions, youlisten more closely.
You create space for sharedunderstanding when you enter
with curiosity instead ofcertainty.
Now, for me, I'm always thinkingabout trying to appear strong,
and so I try to think about howI wanna say everything and
exactly how I wanna say it sothat my case holds water.

(04:50):
But the reality is once you getinto that conversation, if you
have a tone of certainty.
You're gonna end up hitting abrick wall, but if you enter
with curiosity, you can actuallycreate connection out of that
conflict.
So next time you have to have adifficult conversation, think
about how you can employ thatfirst shift from I have to be

(05:13):
right to, I have something tolearn.
I don't know about you, but evenjust saying that takes some of
the stress out of my feelingabout that conversation.
the second shift to try fromthis will ruin the relationship
to this could strengthen ourtrust.
See what often builds trustisn't avoiding conflict, it's

(05:36):
handling it well.
Being honest, respectful, andwilling to name what's hard.
Shows people you care enough notto stay silent.
So how might you utilize thatmindset shift as you're getting
ready for your conversation?
And finally, from, I don't wannamess this up, to progress

(05:56):
matters more than perfection.
As I talked about before, whenyou're in this stressful
situation of a difficultconversation, no matter how much
you practice, you are veryunlikely to get every word
right.
But when your intention is toconnect, not to control you give
the other person permission todo the same.

(06:16):
To be a little messy with yourwords and to give each other
grace so that you can get to themeat of the conversation and you
can both leave learning a littlebit about the other person.
See, we talked about thisbefore, but you know, courage in
leadership isn't always loud.
It's choosing to speak whensilence feels safer.

(06:40):
It's choosing connection overcomfort.
So once your mindset shift, yourpreparation does matter.
Here are a few techniques tohelp you make the actual
conversation more productive.
So first, start with clarity andcare.
Before the conversation, askyourself, what do I hope we both

(07:00):
walk away with?
What impact has this situationhad?
Then open the conversation withthat tone.
Maybe you start by sayingsomething like, I care about our
working relationship and want usto be successful together.
Can we talk about somethingthat's been weighing on me?
Second, stick to observationsand impact, not assumptions.

(07:21):
If you haven't heard me talkabout it yet, one of the most
helpful leadership frameworksthat I ever learned is the
situation, behavior ImpactModel, or SBII believe it was
created by the Center forCreative Leadership, and it is a
great model to remember whenyou're in a difficult

(07:43):
conversation.
Or when you have to give someonefeedback that they may not want
to hear.
And even when you have positivefeedback for someone, it can be
really helpful because basicallyhow it works is you describe the
situation.
You start about talking aboutthe context.
For example, when we were inthat call with senior leaders

(08:06):
and everyone was looking to youto share what you had learned.
So that might be the situation.
And then you talk about thebehavior, what you observed.
I noticed that instead ofanswering the question, you
deferred to me.
So that's just a statement ofthe behavior that you observed.
And then I is the impact.

(08:29):
And what that did is itdecreased people's trust.
And your expertise and insteadcreated an environment where
instead of coming to you as theyshould for answers, they'll
likely be coming to me instead.
So situation behavior impact isa very neutral way to present

(08:53):
feedback to someone as a way topresent something that might be
troubling you in your workingrelationship.
The only thing that issubjective in there are the
observations of your behavior,but there's no room in the SBI
model for your opinion or yourstories about what caused that

(09:13):
behavior.
Instead, it forces you to justpresent the facts and get
curious about the causes so thatyou two can work through it
together.
So remember, stick to theobservations and the impact, not
the assumptions or stories.
Be sure to separate intent fromimpact.

(09:34):
Maybe they didn't mean to causefrustration, but the impact
still matters.
Maybe you didn't mean to makesomeone feel like they didn't
belong, but again, that doesn'tmatter.
You have to focus on whathappened and how it landed and
allow space for theirperspective.
And finally, it's all aboutlistening.

(09:56):
And we've talked about this alot, but listen, to understand,
not to reply.
Remember, bring that curiousmindset that we talked about you
having about the conversation asa whole into the conversation
itself.
Make room for their story.
Reflect back what you hear, notin an annoying way, but as a way
to validate the emotions andvalidate what they're saying to

(10:21):
make sure you heard it clearly.
Even if you don't agree with theconclusion that they're coming
to, making sure that you areboth operating from the same
information is a great firststep.
And finally end with shared nextsteps.
Don't let the conversation driftinto ambiguity.
Make sure you end with asking,what do we want to do

(10:45):
differently going forward?
What support would help thischange stick?
Remember, the goal isn't to winthe conversation.
It's to restore clarity,connection, and forward
momentum.
We've talked a little bit aboutwhat happens before the
conversation and some shiftsthat you can make.
We've talked about somepractical tips for what happens

(11:08):
during the conversation.
Now we wanna think about whatimpact actually engaging in
these conversations instead ofavoiding them has on others.
You see when you engage indifficult conversations instead
of avoiding them, the rippleeffect is real and powerful.

(11:28):
First, you build personalconfidence.
Each time you have a hardconversation, you're training
your brain, that discomfort issurvivable and even productive.
You grow more emotionally, agileand resilient.
Second, you strengthen trust onyour team.
Psychological safety doesn'tcome from never disagreeing.

(11:51):
It comes from knowing that wecan disagree and still be
respected.
Teams that talk openly abouttension are more collaborative,
creative, and committed.
I remember early in myleadership career I had in
employee who was just notperforming, and to be honest, I

(12:11):
was in a sense avoiding theconversation with them.
Because I was just hoping thatthings would get better, but
what really convinced me to havethat conversation was I started
to see morale in my other teammembers who were usually very
engaged.
I started to see that moraleslip.

(12:32):
And I knew it was time to havethe conversation.
Now I probably should have hadit much earlier before I could
see those indicators for thebenefit of both the rest of the
team as well as for theindividual I needed to have the
conversation with as well as forme.
'cause like we talked about,when your brain is.
In that stressful situation andyour stress hormones are

(12:55):
running, you can't thinkcreatively or make good
decisions.
So I should have had thatconversation earlier, but once I
did, people saw that I waswilling to step out of my
comfort, have this challengingconversation for the betterment
of the team.
You may remember me sayingthere's a difference between

(13:16):
being nice and being kind.
I think I got this from BreneBrown originally, but
essentially being kind is whatis what's saying, what needs to
be said for the betterment ofthe person and the entire team.
It may not be comfortable,unlike being nice, which is just

(13:38):
saying what people want to hear.
To maintain the peace, to keepthe comfort.
So yes, you can be acompassionate driven leader and
still have these toughconversations where you may be
giving feedback that the otherperson doesn't wanna hear, but
can co, but can cause them andthe team to grow.

(13:59):
Another ripple effect of havingthese conversations is that you
model healthy leadership.
It like I just talked about,your team watches how you handle
hard moments.
When you choose honesty overavoidance and empathy over
reactivity.
You give others permission to dothe same, and finally, you
create cultural momentum.

(14:21):
Over time, addressing hardthings becomes a norm, not an
exception.
People get problems get solvedearlier.
Feedback flows more freely.
Silence stops being the default.
In short, you don't just resolveone issue, you change the way
your team works together, andthat can be a very powerful

(14:45):
thing that can lead to greaterefficiency and better
performance.
So if there's a conversationyou've been putting off,
consider this your nudge.
Start with curiosity.
Speak with care.
Focus on connection, notcontrol.
And remember, courage isn'tabout eliminating fear.

(15:07):
It's about moving forward withclarity despite it.
Next week we'll shift gears andexplore another leadership
challenge that's surprisinglycomplex delegation.
We'll talk about why it's hard,what holds us back, and how to
delegate in a way that developsothers.
That and the two episodes thatfollow will also tie into our

(15:29):
upcoming leadership build serieswhere we'll use Lego Serious
Play to go beyond theory andwork through these challenges
together.
I'll be sharing all the detailsabout how to join us on July 2nd
during our final episode of theseason.
Until then, remember, courageisn't about eliminating fear.

(15:50):
It's about moving forward withclarity despite it.
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