191. Stop Avoiding It: The Hidden Cost of Skipping Hard Conversations

Avoiding difficult conversations, or softening them so much they lose their meaning, can damage trust, confuse your team, and hurt your credibility. In this episode, Teri shares a personal story of how avoiding inside a conversation backfired, and explores how leaders can break the cycle of avoidance with mindset shifts, clarity, and courage. If you've ever lost sleep over a difficult conversation, this one’s for you. 

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If you're tired of avoiding tough conversations or regretting how you handled them, the Courageous Conversations Leadership Sprint is for you. This four-week, small-group coaching experience starting in October uses LEGO® SERIOUS PLAY®, unlocking creative new perspectives and approaches to difficult conversations.

Learn more and reserve your spot at https://www.strongleadersserve.com/build

Connect on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/teri-m-schmidt/

Get 1-on-1 leadership support from Teri here: https://www.strongleadersserve.com/coaching

Set up an intro call with Teri: https://calendly.com/terischmidt/discoverycall

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Have you ever left aconversation thinking, I just
wish I had said what I needed tosay, or maybe you didn't have
the conversation at all, youjust kept it inside, hoping the
issue would work itself out.
Here's the thing.
As you probably know, silencehas consequences.
That's what we're gonna talkabout today.

(00:21):
We're going to build on theepisode we did at the end of
last season about avoidingdifficult conversations, talk
about what the risk is of thatavoidance and silence, and how
you as a leader can get past it.
I'm Terry Schmidt, executive andleadership coach at Strong
Leaders Serve, where I partnerwith compassionate driven
leaders to transform potentialinto performance.

(00:45):
And this is the Strong LeadersServe Podcast.
The last time we talked aboutdifficult conversations, we

(01:05):
explored how to move fromavoidance to courage.
But today we're going a littlebit deeper, especially after
last week's episode when wetalked to Tamara Miles and Wes
Adams about meaningful work andfocus specifically in on
balanced autonomy and the powerthat that can have for leaders

(01:26):
and teams.
I thought it was important torevisit our conversation about
courageous conversations becausewhen you are trying to operate.
In that space where you arecreating meaningful work for
your teams and yourorganizations and you're also
utilizing balanced autonomy.

(01:46):
The fact is there are going tobe many opportunities that come
up where it is important to havethat conversation that you might
not feel quite comfortablehaving Today we're gonna talk
about what happens when youeither don't have the
conversation at all, or you haveit, but in a way that leaves

(02:06):
people confused, mistrusting, orquestioning your leadership.
And yes, as you can probablyguess, I've been there too.
Several years ago I had anunderperforming employee on my
team.
I knew that I needed to talkwith them about some very real
and ongoing performance issues.
But I also cared deeply aboutthe person, and I didn't want to

(02:28):
hurt them or damage therelationship.
So when we finally sat down totalk, I softened the message a
lot.
Instead of being direct andclear about the performance
gaps, I tried reframing theconversation.
So I had the conversation, butin fact, I was kind of.

(02:49):
Going through avoidance withinthe conversation itself, I made
it about whether they felt likethe role was a right fit for
them.
I tiptoed around the real issue,hoping they'd connect the dots
themselves.
And while I thought I wasprotecting their feelings, I was
actually doing more harm.
The conversation createdconfusion instead of clarity.

(03:13):
It felt vague and disorientingfor them, and honestly, it left
them questioning whether theycould trust me to be honest in
the future, and I learnedsomething that day.
Avoidance isn't just aboutsilence.
Sometimes we avoid inside theconversation by diluting,
redirecting, or disguising whatreally needs to be said.

(03:36):
Avoiding hard conversations,whether completely or just
inside the conversation comeswith a cost.
You lose trust.
First of all, people begin tosense that you're not being
fully transparent.
And if you're in a conversationlike I was with a employee who
is not performing well, theother employees on your team may

(03:59):
also lose trust in you.
As they have to shoulder thework and make up for the
underperformance of the otherteam member, you also lose time.
For the reason that I just saidabout other team members needing
to compensate for thatunderperforming team member.
But also, even if your difficultconversation is about a

(04:20):
different topic, if you'reavoiding the conversation or are
not clear in the conversationissues that could be resolved
early start snowballing.
You may also lose alignmentwithout clear expectations.
People start to flounder or fillin the gaps themselves.
And perhaps most importantly,you lose credibility, especially

(04:41):
if you show up unclear andconsistent or emotionally
reactive.
And let's be honest, many of usavoid not because we don't care,
but because we care so much thatwe're afraid of getting it
wrong.
If you're listening right nowand thinking, that's me, I avoid
until it's too late or that'sme.

(05:03):
I try to be kind, but it justends up unclear or that's me.
I freeze when things get tense.
You're not the only one.
As I shared, I have definitelybeen there, and here's the
truth, you're not stuck thereeither.
Avoidance is just a pattern.

(05:23):
And patterns can be shifted withintention, reflection, and
support.
One of the mindset shifts wetalked about the last time we
talked about this topic wasmoving from certainty to
curiosity.
It sounds simple, but it'sincredibly powerful, especially
when you're preparing for aconversation that feels high

(05:44):
stakes.
For example, in my storyearlier, I went into the
conversation already convincedof what was happening, that the
employee wasn't the right fit.
And that saying so directlywould hurt them or damage the
relationship.
That certainty about how theywould respond shaped how I
framed the conversation, andultimately how unclear it

(06:06):
became.
If I had paused and asked myselfa simple question, like, what
might I be missing?
Or what might be true from theirperspective?
I might have approached it withmore openness and they would've
left that meeting with moreclarity instead of confusion.
That's one small example of whatit looks like to start preparing

(06:27):
not with the perfect words, butwith a better mindset.
So if you found yourselfavoiding sugar coating or
walking away from conversations,feeling like you didn't show up
how you wanted to ask yourself.
Where am I assuming I alreadyknow how this will go, and how
might curiosity change theconversation?

(06:49):
That's how change starts, not byjumping straight into the most
difficult conversations of yourcareer, but by building new
habits of reflection andpresence that you can use in
those important conversations.
And if you wanna explore thisfurther with me, I am really
excited about the CourageousConversations Leadership Sprint

(07:11):
that we have coming up.
It's not to give you moregeneric tips or polished
scripts.
This four week group coachingexperience goes much deeper than
that.
Together we'll uncover thehidden stories and beliefs
behind your avoidance.
We'll build self-awareness aboutwhat triggers you and how to
stay grounded when emotionsrise.

(07:32):
We'll learn to speak clearly andkindly even when the stakes are
high, and will also grow yourability to lead a team where
courageous conversations are notrare but normal.
And because we use Lego SeriousPlay as one of our methods,
you'll tap into insight andreflection that go far deeper
than traditional leadershiptraining.

(07:53):
This isn't just theory, it'spersonal, experiential, and
transformative.
You'll be supported by a smallgroup of peers navigating
similar challenges, but spotsare limited to keep the
experience personal andpowerful.
As a bonus, the first threepeople to sign up get two really

(08:13):
great gifts.
First, a free one-on-onecoaching session with me, and
second, this is my favoritepart, a buddy pass to bring a
colleague or friend for free.
So if you've ever thought that'show I'm showing up, I'm avoiding
conversations and I don't wantto continue leading this way,

(08:36):
this leadership sprint is foryou.
We start in September, so go tostrong leaders serve.com/build
to save your spot.
And grab those bonuses beforethey're gone.
Next week.
I'm thrilled to share theconversation that I had with
Zach Mercurial, author of ThePower of Mattering.

(08:58):
Zach is incredibly intelligentand our conversation builds very
well on the episode that Ishared last week.
It was one of my favoriteconversations that I've had all
year, and I can't wait to shareit with you.
Until then, stay strong.
Stay kind, and remember, youdon't have to choose between

(09:20):
compassion and clarity the powercomes when you lead with both.