June 19, 2025 • 24 mins
How would the world be different if everyone had a good father?
In this special Father’s Day Week episode, we ask a simple but powerful question: What makes a good dad? Drawing from wisdom, research, and personal experience, this episode explores four pillars that every parent can strive toward: protection, provision, presence, and praise.
Whether you're a dad, want to be one, or reflecting on your relationship with your own father (or lack thereof), this episode offers a powerful reminder that good fathers can change the world, and it starts at home.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The art of being a good dad is how do you put boundaries on
those things that interfere withour ability to be present so
that we can say yes, so that we can turn our phones off, get
down on the floor or sit in the chair and play the game and do
the thing. And, you know, leave your phone
at home and go get ice cream or go for a ride, go to the park.
(00:22):
And when you're at the park, be at the park.
But if you don't create boundaries physically, people,
things work that are introduced,but also mental boundaries,
things like, oh, I want to go check in on the news, what's
happening in Gaza, what happenedin the NBA Finals game last
week. If you allow yourself to give in
to those impulses, to consume that information, every single
(00:43):
minute that you lose not being present in your house with your
family when you can, is a minutethat you're sacrificing to their
own self worth and their own sense of security and safeness
because you weren't present. Well, hey, everybody.
(01:13):
Welcome to Running Three. I'm Jesse Karagette, your host.
Thank you so much for being here.
And it's Father's Day week. That's right.
I said it. We're making it a thing.
I think Father's Day should not be a day.
It should be a week. And so should Mother's Day,
because while it's the most amazing and important job in the
world, it could be hard, right? It takes endurance and patience
(01:37):
and sacrifice and selflessness. It really just requires you to
give so much of yourself. And selfishly, as a father of
three young kiddos, I'm trying to make it a week.
So to all the fathers out there,all the dads out there, keep
doing what you're doing. Keep it up.
I truly believe that. Good dads have the ability to
(01:59):
change the world. Just imagine what our world
would look like if every single person had a good dad and a good
mom too. But just think about how much of
a difference that could make. And what's so interesting about
it is we all have our different definitions on what a good dad
is. Maybe you haven't defined it and
you just have an idea or a feeling that you're aspiring to.
(02:21):
Maybe you've read some books, you've done some research, but
there's different perspectives on what a good dad is.
And I just wanted to take some time on Father's Day week.
That's what we're calling it, tojust unpack and answer the
question, what is a good dad? So last week, my therapist asked
(02:42):
me. She said, Jesse, what is your
goal in life? What do you want from life at
the end of the day? And I didn't even have to
hesitate. I said, I just want to be able
to say that I'm a good husband and I'm a good dad.
I've had I've had two dads. I have my biological father who
(03:04):
was amazing, and I'm my stepfather who was amazing.
Did they have flaws? Yes.
Were they good dads? Yes.
Do I have flaws? Absolutely.
A million percent. Do I think I'm a good dad?
Yes, I do. From my perspective of, of
having to, or should I say having the blessing of having 22
(03:26):
dads, It's giving me a ton of perspective.
And while I can see where they were lacking in my life as a
dad, I try to emulate the thingsthat they did that were good.
But also, as most parents do, whether you're a mom or a dad,
you try to level up. You try to aspire to another
(03:47):
level of parenting, usually inspired by your needs, or
should I say the needs that weren't met from your own
parents. And I think that's beautiful,
and I think that's natural. And even if you had a great
upbringing, a great childhood, no trauma, not a lot of
dysfunction, I think we all havethe potential to just continue
(04:08):
to do better than how we were parented.
But still, the question is, whatdoes it mean to be a good dad?
What does it mean to be a good parent if you're a mom?
So what I'm going to try to do is to just introduce one such
framework that is specific, but I think encapsulates what it
(04:29):
means to be a good dad. And I'm going to kick us off by
a clip from Otto Kelly. Otto spent a lot of time
specifically with Fatherless women, done a lot of research.
He's got some great organizations that try to help
heal women who are experiencing trauma, which can be tied back
to fatherlessness. So here's Otto Kelly talking
(04:53):
about four pillars, or say 4 things that were lacking from
fatherless women, but really youcould say from fatherless
children. So pay attention to this.
I am the executive director of Crisis Pregnancy Center.
And in that calling, you know, Isee young ladies and young men
coming through our doors with a lack of fathering.
(05:14):
And when we see that lack of fathering, when they witness a
strong male figure, they begin to see themselves in a positive
light. Do you realize that close to 81%
of teen pregnancies come from fatherless homes?
I'm talking 80% of all of our kids that are on the street
right now, homeless, fatherless homes.
(05:38):
We're talking 71% of the male population in the penal system
right now, fatherless homes, theeconomic impact cannot even be
calculated because it's estimated that 41% of the kids
that are in fatherless homes will be poorer than their
biological dad. It is just absolutely
astonishing. Now, the interesting thing about
(05:59):
this, we've seen a dramatic change as a direct result of
this program and it was 4 thingsthat they said that they wish
they had. Those four things when they grew
up without a dad was this. They said they wish they had
protection, They said they wish they had provision, They said
they wish they had presents and they wish they had praise.
(06:24):
So as Otto put it, and that's how we're going to focus on this
episode, fatherless children themselves state that there are
four things that they wish they had from a parent, right?
And those four things, protection, provision, presence,
(06:47):
and praise. I'll say it again, protection,
provision, presence, and praise.So let's start with the first
one, which is protection. So, So what does protection
mean? Immediately where I go to is
physical protection, right? You know, things like strength,
(07:09):
things like literally guarding, reacting to threats.
You know, some of us might even go to like, well, do you have
guns in the house? Do you have SimpliSafe?
Do you have like a mindfulness around security?
I mean, that's, that's importantAnd and those things can be
good, but protection on a deeperlevel, it doesn't just mean
physical protection, it means emotional protections.
(07:32):
Do your children feel safe? Do they feel safe to, you know,
be themselves around you? Do they feel safe around you?
Do you create an environment that makes them feel not only
protected from real and present dangers that are physical in
nature, meaning a safe house, a safe environment, all the
(07:54):
security measures, but also do they feel as though they're free
to be themselves and they feel protected to be themselves?
And does your presence and your demeanor and posture towards
them allow them and encourage them to be who they are?
That's what protection means. And you can embody that by not
(08:17):
just your physical presence. And we're going to talk about
presence, one of the other PRS, but in just how you do your
daily life and how you structureyour life.
When I think about my own fathers, right, both of them
were United States Marines, as am I.
Both of them. Well, one of them was 63, the
(08:39):
other one was 6-4. Both were in, you know, 240 lbs,
just physically capable, competent guys who could defend
themselves and defend me. So physically safe.
Did I feel that way? Absolutely.
However, when I think about my biological father, he was very,
(09:00):
very opinionated about the way that I should act and verbally
critical when he saw me acting or speaking in a way that went
against whatever his goals were for my conduct.
So what did that do that made mewant to please him.
It made me guarded around what Isaid, how I dressed, how I acted
(09:25):
around him because I was somewhat fearful of his
criticism. So did I feel safe around my
father? Physically?
Yes. I can remember a time when we
were at a red light and it was a2 lane red light and a guy
pulled up next to us in some type of muscle car.
It was red. I don't know what it was and I
(09:46):
was daydreaming out the passenger side window,
inadvertently making eye contactwith this late 20s, probably
early 30s something. I'm just called what it is.
Probably a little bit of a douche, but I didn't know it.
And he started looking at me andhe mouthed to me what the hell
are you looking at? And my father caught it from the
(10:08):
driver's seat and pushed me backwith his right hand and looked
at the guy. And essentially, and I won't say
it on the podcast, but said you got a problem, mother, You know
what? And the level and the speed at
which my father escalated his temper, yes, but his protection
of me and his anger towards thisadult.
(10:29):
And I was probably in middle school who was showing
aggression towards me. The guy's soul left his body.
And of course, he speed up when the light turned green because
he had a muscle car and fed off.But I'll never forget how safe
that I felt because my father was so quick and willing to jump
to my defense and he didn't havea second to analyze who is that
guy? How big is he?
(10:49):
How aggressive does he look? My father didn't care because he
was that type of father and saidyou're messing with my kids,
you're done. And that planted a seed in me,
which frankly it, it continues in me.
That's that's my posture. You mess with my kids, you're
done, right. But that's physical safety.
While at the same time, unbeknownst to him, because he
(11:10):
was so verbally critical of how I was acting, I was talking, he
created an environment that was a little bit unsafe because I
couldn't be myself because I didn't want to get that
constructive criticism all the time.
So if you're hearing me, it's like, OK, what is safe mean?
Yes, physically safe. You want your kids to feel like
they're being raised in a household that's protected.
(11:30):
While at the same time, I think as dads, we have to be careful
to allow our children to be who they are.
Because in me, I grew up with some insecurities about who I
was, and it stemmed from my father's own criticism, while
well intended, and I give him a ton of grace for that.
So protection is the kind of first pillar of what it means to
(11:51):
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(12:33):
finally find freedom from alcohol.
So let's talk about the next P you're, should I say PR
provision. And when you hear provision, I
think it's important to call outthat where a lot of us go to is
hard working and consistent. Those things are good.
Rich, wealthy can be good, but that's not what provision is.
(12:58):
And, and as a matter of fact, there's a lot of research,
research, research that shows that if you have restraint, even
if you can give your kids everything they need, right, the
big backyard swing set, each of them gets their own bedroom, big
house, pool, hot tub, trips, whatever it is.
If you show restraint and you give them less and you teach
(13:22):
them about the importance of money and being frugal and
responsible, that creates a ton of value and they appreciate
what they have so much more. So when we talk about provision,
we're not talking about being rich and wealthy and just
basically showering your kids with all the things.
It's talking about meeting theirneeds and modeling what it means
(13:45):
to be consistent and hard working.
Because being consistent and hard working and showing up and
being responsible and modeling that for your kids pays
dividends exponentially in helping them to understand how
to be an adult and how to be providers themselves.
But key here is when you when you hear provision it, you don't
have to be wealthy and most of us aren't right.
(14:07):
But it is important to be able to show them that as parents.
And this kind of goes back into protection that you can meet
their needs. And not only does that is that
important, obviously, because shelter and safety and food and
water and clean air, like those are pivotal just to survive as
living beings, right? But by being able to give them
(14:27):
those things that goes back intothem feeling safe and being in a
household that allows them to just kind of thrive, right?
So when we think about provision, think about it as
though you need to meet their material needs, but also in so
doing you're meeting their emotional needs.
(14:48):
And Speaking of emotional needs,that's a, it's a great kind of
segue to go into the next pillar, the next PR, if you
will, which is presence. I I heard this kind of cheap and
easy cliche ones, but if you spend half as less money and
twice as much time with your children, the impact is
(15:10):
tremendous. You know, when I think about my,
my father, you know, he, he had an hour and a half commute one
way, so 3 hours every day, five times a week.
I grew up in a divorced household.
I would be with my father, you know, Friday through Sunday,
Despite that commute, despite, you know, being married to my
stepmom and having at the time, whatever his other pressures and
(15:31):
responsibilities were. My dad would drive 35 minutes
after he got home from New Jersey after that commute to
pick me up every single Friday. He would spend hours and hours
with me. He'd bring me everywhere.
He'd talk to me, look me in the eyes, the ride both ways to and
back from my my parents house, my mom's house where I lived.
(15:53):
And it you know that the impact of that presence because by
being present, we're showing love by blocking out the many
things that seek to interfere with our relationship.
Things like work, things like play, things like leisure,
hobbies, friends, distractions, YouTube.
As parents, if we can block those things out, we're showing
(16:14):
our kids are that they are what matters.
And that sense of mattering, of meaning is the most important
thing for a kid to possibly have.
So presence is by far the most important thing that we can give
or gift to our children, hands down.
(16:36):
Something that, you know, that just happened in, in my house
the other day, which, you know, it's, it's, it's sobering and
it, it wakes me up. It's also kind of heartbreaking.
My my oldest daughter, who's 7, I came into the room.
I was in the middle of like cleaning up after a messy
morning. I had work on my mind.
I knew I had some like, you know, emails I had to get to.
And I had this podcast if I had to do.
(16:56):
And she came into the room and she said, Daddy, will you play
Monopoly with me? We've got this like kids version
of Monopoly. And I said yes.
And her reaction was really to, which made me say, yeah, why
I'll play Monopoly. And she said, well, normally
you're too busy. Those are the things as parents
(17:19):
we need to pay attention to. Those are the signals and the
keys that our children are giving us.
Where her expectation was a no. And you have to give yourself
grace because sometimes responsibilities, true
responsibilities do interfere and even should take priority
over something like playing a board game.
(17:39):
And if you have multiple young kids like I do, I could have my
5 year old coming in and say, goout on the trampoline with me as
my 2 year old is saying, Daddy come, you know, do something
goofy like let's go squirt this squirt gun in the house in the
playroom, which is a no. So sometimes you have all these
competing requests and priorities that are hitting you
at the same time. But the art of being a good dad
(18:01):
is how do you put boundaries on those things that interfere with
our ability to be present so that we can say yes, so that we
can turn our phones off, get down on the floor or sit in the
chair and play the game and do the thing and do the wrestle
and, you know, leave your phone at home and go get ice cream or
go for a ride. Go to the park.
(18:22):
And when you're at the park, be at the park.
But if you don't create boundaries physically, people,
things work that are intruding, but also mental boundaries,
things like, oh, I want to go check in on the news, what's
happening in Gaza, what happenedin the NBA Finals game last
week. If you allow yourself to give
into those impulses, to consume that information, every single
(18:43):
minute that you lose not being present in your house with your
family when you can is a minute that you're sacrificing to their
own self worth and their own sense of security and safeness
because you who weren't present.So if there's one take away from
this, find ways to be present and put up guardrails in order
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And the last pillar, if you will, praise, words of
affirmation are so important. Action is the most important,
right? And we talked about protect,
protection and providing and presence and all those things
like where you place yourself physically in the things that
you do are important. But words of affirmation are so
(20:12):
important. You know when when your child
does something. That makes you feel great and
when you when you recognize thatthey just accomplished
something, whether it's in sports academically or even just
made you a, a bracelet. I'm wearing two.
I'm always, if you pay attentionto the show, I've always got
bracelets on. My kids are always making me
jewelry when when they dedicate time to make something or do
(20:33):
something or even if they just look pretty, look cute.
If you feel it, say it. And maybe even if you don't say
it, but there's so much researchthat that shows that verbal
affirmation is so important. So make sure you're praising
your child. And then this next piece, 80% of
communication is non verbal. Sometimes you don't even need
(20:57):
words to show praise. Sometimes it's a look and a
smile and a hug, which takes presence and intentionality by
the way. But sometimes you can give
praise just by your posture towards your children.
And here's this is AI mean. Honestly, this made me cry.
But here's a beautiful, beautiful example of of non
verbal and how words aren't necessarily necessary in order
(21:21):
to show love. This is boxer Connor Ben after
just a grueling loss and he he leaves the ring and his father,
who is also professional fighter, a boxer, was there
waiting for him. And if you're listening to the
audio only I'll I'll do my best to to kind of recap it
afterwards. But here's here's a just a
beautiful clip of of how an embrace between father and son
(21:43):
just can be so powerful. And it's all non verbal.
I. Mean, how beautiful is that,
right? I mean, I mean, first and
foremost, you, you can just tellthat that relationship was built
(22:07):
on decades of that father showing up.
I mean, just that, that that boxer Connor Ben, I mean, you
look at him, he's muscular, he'sfierce, he can fight.
He's got tattoos, but when he had a hard moment, we had to let
down and he comes out of that ring and his dad's standing
there. You could tell that that dad,
his dad is the only person in the world that he felt safe with
(22:29):
to come up. And so much was said without any
words with those two men, both physically imposing, confident
men. But the love there, the kiss on
the cheek, I mean, that's what it's all about.
And if you can, if you can buildthat relationship with your kids
as a dad, I mean, look, that's what it's all about.
And back to the question with mytherapist, what do you want in
(22:52):
in life? I want to be that dad.
I want my kids to look at me that way and if you can't see
the video because you're listening to audio, I encourage
you to look up Connor Ben. Also.
You got to type in a Google or YouTube or something is like
Connor Ben boxer hug and you will find it.
So that's it or should say that's one way to do it.
Being a good dad, right? Protection, provision, presence
(23:12):
and praise. If you can have some semblance
of all of those attributes as a father, you're not just going to
change your household. You're going to change your kid
and your kids going to go out and change the world.
If we can all do that, the worldwould be a much better place.
So thank you so much for joiningthe show.
To all the good dads out there, or even all just the dads out
there, keep on keeping on. Keep doing what you're doing.
(23:35):
It's so worth it. I hope this episode was helpful
and I thank you so much for joining the Running Free
podcast. See you next time.
All right, everybody. That's the show, folks.
Thank you so much for tuning into this podcast and spending
some time with us today. We've got a favor to ask if you
enjoyed. The show, would you?
(23:55):
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(24:17):
We know that your support. Fuels our brand and is greatly
appreciated. So until next time, stay strong
and live deep.
The art of being a good dad is how do you put boundaries on
those things that interfere withour ability to be present so
that we can say yes, so that we can turn our phones off, get
down on the floor or sit in the chair and play the game and do
the thing. And, you know, leave your phone
at home and go get ice cream or go for a ride, go to the park.
(00:22):
And when you're at the park, be at the park.
But if you don't create boundaries physically, people,
things work that are introduced,but also mental boundaries,
things like, oh, I want to go check in on the news, what's
happening in Gaza, what happenedin the NBA Finals game last
week. If you allow yourself to give in
to those impulses, to consume that information, every single
(00:43):
minute that you lose not being present in your house with your
family when you can, is a minutethat you're sacrificing to their
own self worth and their own sense of security and safeness
because you weren't present. Well, hey, everybody.
(01:13):
Welcome to Running Three. I'm Jesse Karagette, your host.
Thank you so much for being here.
And it's Father's Day week. That's right.
I said it. We're making it a thing.
I think Father's Day should not be a day.
It should be a week. And so should Mother's Day,
because while it's the most amazing and important job in the
world, it could be hard, right? It takes endurance and patience
(01:37):
and sacrifice and selflessness. It really just requires you to
give so much of yourself. And selfishly, as a father of
three young kiddos, I'm trying to make it a week.
So to all the fathers out there,all the dads out there, keep
doing what you're doing. Keep it up.
I truly believe that. Good dads have the ability to
(01:59):
change the world. Just imagine what our world
would look like if every single person had a good dad and a good
mom too. But just think about how much of
a difference that could make. And what's so interesting about
it is we all have our different definitions on what a good dad
is. Maybe you haven't defined it and
you just have an idea or a feeling that you're aspiring to.
(02:21):
Maybe you've read some books, you've done some research, but
there's different perspectives on what a good dad is.
And I just wanted to take some time on Father's Day week.
That's what we're calling it, tojust unpack and answer the
question, what is a good dad? So last week, my therapist asked
(02:42):
me. She said, Jesse, what is your
goal in life? What do you want from life at
the end of the day? And I didn't even have to
hesitate. I said, I just want to be able
to say that I'm a good husband and I'm a good dad.
I've had I've had two dads. I have my biological father who
(03:04):
was amazing, and I'm my stepfather who was amazing.
Did they have flaws? Yes.
Were they good dads? Yes.
Do I have flaws? Absolutely.
A million percent. Do I think I'm a good dad?
Yes, I do. From my perspective of, of
having to, or should I say having the blessing of having 22
(03:26):
dads, It's giving me a ton of perspective.
And while I can see where they were lacking in my life as a
dad, I try to emulate the thingsthat they did that were good.
But also, as most parents do, whether you're a mom or a dad,
you try to level up. You try to aspire to another
(03:47):
level of parenting, usually inspired by your needs, or
should I say the needs that weren't met from your own
parents. And I think that's beautiful,
and I think that's natural. And even if you had a great
upbringing, a great childhood, no trauma, not a lot of
dysfunction, I think we all havethe potential to just continue
(04:08):
to do better than how we were parented.
But still, the question is, whatdoes it mean to be a good dad?
What does it mean to be a good parent if you're a mom?
So what I'm going to try to do is to just introduce one such
framework that is specific, but I think encapsulates what it
(04:29):
means to be a good dad. And I'm going to kick us off by
a clip from Otto Kelly. Otto spent a lot of time
specifically with Fatherless women, done a lot of research.
He's got some great organizations that try to help
heal women who are experiencing trauma, which can be tied back
to fatherlessness. So here's Otto Kelly talking
(04:53):
about four pillars, or say 4 things that were lacking from
fatherless women, but really youcould say from fatherless
children. So pay attention to this.
I am the executive director of Crisis Pregnancy Center.
And in that calling, you know, Isee young ladies and young men
coming through our doors with a lack of fathering.
(05:14):
And when we see that lack of fathering, when they witness a
strong male figure, they begin to see themselves in a positive
light. Do you realize that close to 81%
of teen pregnancies come from fatherless homes?
I'm talking 80% of all of our kids that are on the street
right now, homeless, fatherless homes.
(05:38):
We're talking 71% of the male population in the penal system
right now, fatherless homes, theeconomic impact cannot even be
calculated because it's estimated that 41% of the kids
that are in fatherless homes will be poorer than their
biological dad. It is just absolutely
astonishing. Now, the interesting thing about
(05:59):
this, we've seen a dramatic change as a direct result of
this program and it was 4 thingsthat they said that they wish
they had. Those four things when they grew
up without a dad was this. They said they wish they had
protection, They said they wish they had provision, They said
they wish they had presents and they wish they had praise.
(06:24):
So as Otto put it, and that's how we're going to focus on this
episode, fatherless children themselves state that there are
four things that they wish they had from a parent, right?
And those four things, protection, provision, presence,
(06:47):
and praise. I'll say it again, protection,
provision, presence, and praise.So let's start with the first
one, which is protection. So, So what does protection
mean? Immediately where I go to is
physical protection, right? You know, things like strength,
(07:09):
things like literally guarding, reacting to threats.
You know, some of us might even go to like, well, do you have
guns in the house? Do you have SimpliSafe?
Do you have like a mindfulness around security?
I mean, that's, that's importantAnd and those things can be
good, but protection on a deeperlevel, it doesn't just mean
physical protection, it means emotional protections.
(07:32):
Do your children feel safe? Do they feel safe to, you know,
be themselves around you? Do they feel safe around you?
Do you create an environment that makes them feel not only
protected from real and present dangers that are physical in
nature, meaning a safe house, a safe environment, all the
(07:54):
security measures, but also do they feel as though they're free
to be themselves and they feel protected to be themselves?
And does your presence and your demeanor and posture towards
them allow them and encourage them to be who they are?
That's what protection means. And you can embody that by not
(08:17):
just your physical presence. And we're going to talk about
presence, one of the other PRS, but in just how you do your
daily life and how you structureyour life.
When I think about my own fathers, right, both of them
were United States Marines, as am I.
Both of them. Well, one of them was 63, the
(08:39):
other one was 6-4. Both were in, you know, 240 lbs,
just physically capable, competent guys who could defend
themselves and defend me. So physically safe.
Did I feel that way? Absolutely.
However, when I think about my biological father, he was very,
(09:00):
very opinionated about the way that I should act and verbally
critical when he saw me acting or speaking in a way that went
against whatever his goals were for my conduct.
So what did that do that made mewant to please him.
It made me guarded around what Isaid, how I dressed, how I acted
(09:25):
around him because I was somewhat fearful of his
criticism. So did I feel safe around my
father? Physically?
Yes. I can remember a time when we
were at a red light and it was a2 lane red light and a guy
pulled up next to us in some type of muscle car.
It was red. I don't know what it was and I
(09:46):
was daydreaming out the passenger side window,
inadvertently making eye contactwith this late 20s, probably
early 30s something. I'm just called what it is.
Probably a little bit of a douche, but I didn't know it.
And he started looking at me andhe mouthed to me what the hell
are you looking at? And my father caught it from the
(10:08):
driver's seat and pushed me backwith his right hand and looked
at the guy. And essentially, and I won't say
it on the podcast, but said you got a problem, mother, You know
what? And the level and the speed at
which my father escalated his temper, yes, but his protection
of me and his anger towards thisadult.
(10:29):
And I was probably in middle school who was showing
aggression towards me. The guy's soul left his body.
And of course, he speed up when the light turned green because
he had a muscle car and fed off.But I'll never forget how safe
that I felt because my father was so quick and willing to jump
to my defense and he didn't havea second to analyze who is that
guy? How big is he?
(10:49):
How aggressive does he look? My father didn't care because he
was that type of father and saidyou're messing with my kids,
you're done. And that planted a seed in me,
which frankly it, it continues in me.
That's that's my posture. You mess with my kids, you're
done, right. But that's physical safety.
While at the same time, unbeknownst to him, because he
(11:10):
was so verbally critical of how I was acting, I was talking, he
created an environment that was a little bit unsafe because I
couldn't be myself because I didn't want to get that
constructive criticism all the time.
So if you're hearing me, it's like, OK, what is safe mean?
Yes, physically safe. You want your kids to feel like
they're being raised in a household that's protected.
(11:30):
While at the same time, I think as dads, we have to be careful
to allow our children to be who they are.
Because in me, I grew up with some insecurities about who I
was, and it stemmed from my father's own criticism, while
well intended, and I give him a ton of grace for that.
So protection is the kind of first pillar of what it means to
(11:51):
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So let's talk about the next P you're, should I say PR
provision. And when you hear provision, I
think it's important to call outthat where a lot of us go to is
hard working and consistent. Those things are good.
Rich, wealthy can be good, but that's not what provision is.
(12:58):
And, and as a matter of fact, there's a lot of research,
research, research that shows that if you have restraint, even
if you can give your kids everything they need, right, the
big backyard swing set, each of them gets their own bedroom, big
house, pool, hot tub, trips, whatever it is.
If you show restraint and you give them less and you teach
(13:22):
them about the importance of money and being frugal and
responsible, that creates a ton of value and they appreciate
what they have so much more. So when we talk about provision,
we're not talking about being rich and wealthy and just
basically showering your kids with all the things.
It's talking about meeting theirneeds and modeling what it means
(13:45):
to be consistent and hard working.
Because being consistent and hard working and showing up and
being responsible and modeling that for your kids pays
dividends exponentially in helping them to understand how
to be an adult and how to be providers themselves.
But key here is when you when you hear provision it, you don't
have to be wealthy and most of us aren't right.
(14:07):
But it is important to be able to show them that as parents.
And this kind of goes back into protection that you can meet
their needs. And not only does that is that
important, obviously, because shelter and safety and food and
water and clean air, like those are pivotal just to survive as
living beings, right? But by being able to give them
(14:27):
those things that goes back intothem feeling safe and being in a
household that allows them to just kind of thrive, right?
So when we think about provision, think about it as
though you need to meet their material needs, but also in so
doing you're meeting their emotional needs.
(14:48):
And Speaking of emotional needs,that's a, it's a great kind of
segue to go into the next pillar, the next PR, if you
will, which is presence. I I heard this kind of cheap and
easy cliche ones, but if you spend half as less money and
twice as much time with your children, the impact is
(15:10):
tremendous. You know, when I think about my,
my father, you know, he, he had an hour and a half commute one
way, so 3 hours every day, five times a week.
I grew up in a divorced household.
I would be with my father, you know, Friday through Sunday,
Despite that commute, despite, you know, being married to my
stepmom and having at the time, whatever his other pressures and
(15:31):
responsibilities were. My dad would drive 35 minutes
after he got home from New Jersey after that commute to
pick me up every single Friday. He would spend hours and hours
with me. He'd bring me everywhere.
He'd talk to me, look me in the eyes, the ride both ways to and
back from my my parents house, my mom's house where I lived.
(15:53):
And it you know that the impact of that presence because by
being present, we're showing love by blocking out the many
things that seek to interfere with our relationship.
Things like work, things like play, things like leisure,
hobbies, friends, distractions, YouTube.
As parents, if we can block those things out, we're showing
(16:14):
our kids are that they are what matters.
And that sense of mattering, of meaning is the most important
thing for a kid to possibly have.
So presence is by far the most important thing that we can give
or gift to our children, hands down.
(16:36):
Something that, you know, that just happened in, in my house
the other day, which, you know, it's, it's, it's sobering and
it, it wakes me up. It's also kind of heartbreaking.
My my oldest daughter, who's 7, I came into the room.
I was in the middle of like cleaning up after a messy
morning. I had work on my mind.
I knew I had some like, you know, emails I had to get to.
And I had this podcast if I had to do.
(16:56):
And she came into the room and she said, Daddy, will you play
Monopoly with me? We've got this like kids version
of Monopoly. And I said yes.
And her reaction was really to, which made me say, yeah, why
I'll play Monopoly. And she said, well, normally
you're too busy. Those are the things as parents
(17:19):
we need to pay attention to. Those are the signals and the
keys that our children are giving us.
Where her expectation was a no. And you have to give yourself
grace because sometimes responsibilities, true
responsibilities do interfere and even should take priority
over something like playing a board game.
(17:39):
And if you have multiple young kids like I do, I could have my
5 year old coming in and say, goout on the trampoline with me as
my 2 year old is saying, Daddy come, you know, do something
goofy like let's go squirt this squirt gun in the house in the
playroom, which is a no. So sometimes you have all these
competing requests and priorities that are hitting you
at the same time. But the art of being a good dad
(18:01):
is how do you put boundaries on those things that interfere with
our ability to be present so that we can say yes, so that we
can turn our phones off, get down on the floor or sit in the
chair and play the game and do the thing and do the wrestle
and, you know, leave your phone at home and go get ice cream or
go for a ride. Go to the park.
(18:22):
And when you're at the park, be at the park.
But if you don't create boundaries physically, people,
things work that are intruding, but also mental boundaries,
things like, oh, I want to go check in on the news, what's
happening in Gaza, what happenedin the NBA Finals game last
week. If you allow yourself to give
into those impulses, to consume that information, every single
(18:43):
minute that you lose not being present in your house with your
family when you can is a minute that you're sacrificing to their
own self worth and their own sense of security and safeness
because you who weren't present.So if there's one take away from
this, find ways to be present and put up guardrails in order
to do that. Look.
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And the last pillar, if you will, praise, words of
affirmation are so important. Action is the most important,
right? And we talked about protect,
protection and providing and presence and all those things
like where you place yourself physically in the things that
you do are important. But words of affirmation are so
(20:12):
important. You know when when your child
does something. That makes you feel great and
when you when you recognize thatthey just accomplished
something, whether it's in sports academically or even just
made you a, a bracelet. I'm wearing two.
I'm always, if you pay attentionto the show, I've always got
bracelets on. My kids are always making me
jewelry when when they dedicate time to make something or do
(20:33):
something or even if they just look pretty, look cute.
If you feel it, say it. And maybe even if you don't say
it, but there's so much researchthat that shows that verbal
affirmation is so important. So make sure you're praising
your child. And then this next piece, 80% of
communication is non verbal. Sometimes you don't even need
(20:57):
words to show praise. Sometimes it's a look and a
smile and a hug, which takes presence and intentionality by
the way. But sometimes you can give
praise just by your posture towards your children.
And here's this is AI mean. Honestly, this made me cry.
But here's a beautiful, beautiful example of of non
verbal and how words aren't necessarily necessary in order
(21:21):
to show love. This is boxer Connor Ben after
just a grueling loss and he he leaves the ring and his father,
who is also professional fighter, a boxer, was there
waiting for him. And if you're listening to the
audio only I'll I'll do my best to to kind of recap it
afterwards. But here's here's a just a
beautiful clip of of how an embrace between father and son
(21:43):
just can be so powerful. And it's all non verbal.
I. Mean, how beautiful is that,
right? I mean, I mean, first and
foremost, you, you can just tellthat that relationship was built
(22:07):
on decades of that father showing up.
I mean, just that, that that boxer Connor Ben, I mean, you
look at him, he's muscular, he'sfierce, he can fight.
He's got tattoos, but when he had a hard moment, we had to let
down and he comes out of that ring and his dad's standing
there. You could tell that that dad,
his dad is the only person in the world that he felt safe with
(22:29):
to come up. And so much was said without any
words with those two men, both physically imposing, confident
men. But the love there, the kiss on
the cheek, I mean, that's what it's all about.
And if you can, if you can buildthat relationship with your kids
as a dad, I mean, look, that's what it's all about.
And back to the question with mytherapist, what do you want in
(22:52):
in life? I want to be that dad.
I want my kids to look at me that way and if you can't see
the video because you're listening to audio, I encourage
you to look up Connor Ben. Also.
You got to type in a Google or YouTube or something is like
Connor Ben boxer hug and you will find it.
So that's it or should say that's one way to do it.
Being a good dad, right? Protection, provision, presence
(23:12):
and praise. If you can have some semblance
of all of those attributes as a father, you're not just going to
change your household. You're going to change your kid
and your kids going to go out and change the world.
If we can all do that, the worldwould be a much better place.
So thank you so much for joiningthe show.
To all the good dads out there, or even all just the dads out
there, keep on keeping on. Keep doing what you're doing.
(23:35):
It's so worth it. I hope this episode was helpful
and I thank you so much for joining the Running Free
podcast. See you next time.
All right, everybody. That's the show, folks.
Thank you so much for tuning into this podcast and spending
some time with us today. We've got a favor to ask if you
enjoyed. The show, would you?
(23:55):
Please consider subscribing to the show and even leaving a
rating and review. That simple act drastically
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mission to help them live better, longer, healthier.
Lives you can also follow us if you'd.
Like on Instagram and YouTube for regular tips and motivation
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(24:17):
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and live deep.
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