Every Good Conversation Starts with Active Listening | Submissive Guide

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Communication is a key topic to developing and maintaining healthy, open relationships. But many of us need to learn what good communication looks like and have problems with at least one part of good communication techniques.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello, everyone, and welcome to this month's podcast
from Submissive Guide.
I'm your host, Luna KM.
Today, we're going to talk aboutgood communication using active
listening skills.
This episode is made possible byour Patreon community, the
Submissive Society.
If you'd like early access tothese podcast episodes and get

(00:22):
updates on our future projects,join us at subguide slash
society.
That's S-U-B-G-U-I dot D-E slashsociety.
We'll see you there.
The biggest communicationproblem is we do not listen to
understand.
We listen to reply.
Submissive Guide was started notjust to share what I know.

(00:46):
It is also, at least for me, away to continue to learn by
talking out my struggle andanswering the questions
presented to me.
Communication is a key topic todeveloping and maintaining
healthy, open relationships.
But many of us need to learnwhat good communication looks
like.
And we have problems with atleast one part of good
communication techniques.

(01:08):
I need help with myinterpersonal communication too.
You are not alone in this.
One such problem is my inabilitynot to interrupt Nightmare when
he is speaking.
It's been a problem since thebeginning of our relationship
and one that has tested hispatience many times over.
Interrupting him shows him Idon't respect him and his

(01:30):
decisions.
It causes a lot ofmisunderstandings because I do
not wait for him to finish histhoughts, which demonstrates
that I'm not listening and whathe's saying isn't important.
It's a terrible flaw in myability to communicate and one I
continue to work on daily.
In a recent class I attended oncommunication, the presenter Mr.

(01:52):
Ellen talked about improvingyour interpersonal communication
skills.
Listening to her speak, I wasmotivated to explore what I
lacked, active listening skills.
She said, and I agree thatactive listening can be learned
and should be learned foreffective communication.
All communication skills can belearned, but I will focus on

(02:14):
active listening for thispodcast since that's my most
significant problem.
I've done some research sincethat class and I'm sharing with
you what I've learned because asI said, it's a huge issue that
affects many people.
Section one, what is activelistening?
Active listening is making aconscious effort to hear not

(02:37):
only the words that anotherperson is saying, but more
importantly, trying tounderstand the complete message
being sent.
It's crucial to DS communicationbecause as we've all
encountered, communication isthe cornerstone of power
exchange relationships.
It's the thing we all agreeneeds to be open and honest and
an essential tool in ourrelationships.

(02:59):
The community is always puttinga strong emphasis on
communicating clearly, but werarely have classes on how to
improve our skills.
Yet another reason I'm happy Iattended Mr.
Ellen's class.
Good communication skills buildrelationships and allow us to
have a clear understanding ofwhat another person needs,
wants, has trouble explaining,and simply shares their message

(03:21):
with another.
Active listening behaviors.
The behaviors of activelisteners are varied, but
through my reading and research,I found quite a few common ones
I want to share with you.
Number one, Making eye contact.
Number two, exhibitingaffirmative head nods and

(03:42):
appropriate facial expressions.
Number three, asking clarifyingquestions.
Number four, avoid distractingactions or gestures.
Number five, paraphrase withwhat I heard you say was.
Number six, avoid interruptingthe speaker.

(04:04):
Number seven, Don't think of thereply before the speaker is done
sending the message.
Number eight, don't over-talk ortalk over the person who is
speaking.
My biggest issue, as I shared,is that I interrupt Nightmare.
I talk over him, loudly, might Iadd, and I'm constantly forming

(04:26):
responses in my head long beforehe's done talking.
These poor behaviors have donequite a few negative things to
my ability to communicate withhim And he's tried so many
things to help me learn my placein the communication loop.
Things we've tried includemaking me count to three before
speaking, not being allowed totalk without permission.
If I interrupted, he would stoptalking and end the

(04:50):
conversation, even if what hewas in the middle of saying was
important.
And face slapping.
None of which has stopped mydestructive behaviors and taught
me active listening.
I've not given up trying to fixmy behavior.
If I can learn better activelistening, our communication
will grow by leaps and bounds,and I'll get into trouble far
less often.
Section 2.

(05:14):
Benefits of Active Listening inDS Relationships Here are some
of the key benefits of activelistening in power exchange
relationships.
Improved Communication When youcan use active listening during
communication to paraphrase andask clarifying questions, it
reduces the chances ofmisunderstandings and improves

(05:35):
comprehension.
Knowing and understanding eachother fully is of great
importance in power exchange,where frequently taking
liberties with the comprehensionof requests, orders, or tasks
might get you in trouble.
Learning to listen with intentto understand, paraphrasing what
you heard, and then askingclarifying questions on parts of
the conversation you needfurther information will give

(05:58):
you a stronger sense ofsubmission.
You'll know you follow theircommands precisely as they wish
them to be done because you madesure of their desires and did
not make assumptions.
Increased empathy.
By reflecting on and respondingto your partner's emotions, you
can express compassion, build astronger connection, and honor

(06:19):
your partner's feelings.
Greater trust Active listeningbuilds trust by creating a safe
and supportive environment whereyou can feel comfortable sharing
thoughts and feelings.
Reduced conflict When you useactive listening, you can work
together to find solutions toconflicts and reach compromises

(06:41):
that meet both you and yourpartner's needs.
Improved intimacy Activelistening deepens the emotional
bond between partners, whichenhances your physical and
emotional connection.
One of the most common physicalbarriers in relationships is
broken down through activelistening.
When you have effectivecommunication, your sexual

(07:03):
satisfaction will grow also.
Section 3.
Barriers to Active ListeningDespite the benefits of active
listening, several barriersprevent couples from being
effective in theircommunication.
Some of the most common barriersinclude distractions,
defensiveness, andmisunderstandings.

(07:24):
Distractions come in many forms.
Setting up a safe and trustingenvironment to talk is one of
the foundations of a healthy DSrelationship.
Technology, noise, stress, orphysical discomfort break down a
safe space.
It's important to eliminate asmany of these distractions as
possible to create a peacefulenvironment to communicate

(07:46):
without interruption.
Defensiveness is another barrierto active listening that can
arise when people feel attackedor criticized.
When one person becomesdefensive, it can be difficult
for the other partner to feelheard or understood.
To overcome this, try to remaincalm and avoid blaming or
accusing each other.

(08:07):
Learn to use I feel statements.
Misunderstandings are anothercommon barrier to active
listening.
Couples need to check in witheach other to make sure that
they are on the same page andthat they fully understand each
other.
This is especially essentialwhen discussing the DS dynamic
and your place within it.
From the initial conversationsthrough tweaking rules and

(08:28):
working out specific challenges,actively seeking to understand
each other can preventmisunderstandings that lead to
further conflict.
Section 4.
How to practice activelistening.
In my endeavors to continue tolearn and improve my listening
skills, I've found some valuabletips on how to learn active

(08:50):
listening.
Here's what I'm practicing tobecome a better listener.
First, be fully in the moment.
You must avoid distractions,quiet your mind, turn off
electronics, and look at theperson speaking.
Make eye contact, listencarefully, and don't interrupt
them.

(09:10):
Do not try multitasking.
You may miss the message'smeaning even if you hear the
words.
Second, put yourself in theirshoes.
Imagine yourself in theirsituation, wanting to be heard.
Try to imagine their life andthe struggles they might be
facing as they talk to you.
Empathy is a powerful tool forunderstanding what they are

(09:32):
saying.
To gain a better understandingof their thoughts and feelings,
pay attention to their tone ofvoice, body language, and
emotions.
When actively listening to them,you're taking in everything they
are saying, even if it's nottheir words.
Thirdly, pick up the key pointsand let the speaker know that
you did.
It's easy to let our attentiondrift.

(09:55):
Let the speaker know you werelistening by mentioning the key
points when you respond and askto clarify what you didn't
understand.
This can help you avoidmisunderstandings and show your
partner that you care about whatthey have to say.
Then, Practice, practice,practice.
Pretend you will be quizzed onhow much of what they are saying

(10:17):
you heard and understood.
Repeating what you heard whenthey are done speaking is a
great way to show them that youare really listening.
Finally, develop curiosity, anopen mind, and a desire for
continuous growth.
I love learning but have, untilnow, focused more on the written
word.
But when you begin seeingconversations as learning

(10:39):
opportunities, you can watch theworld open up around you.
Old habits are hard to break, soyou must consciously try to
become an active listener.
The good news is, is that themore we do it, the better we get
at it, and the more positive ourrelationships will be.
I promise to keep working toimprove my skills.

(10:59):
Let's set a goal right now towork on them together.
Thank you for listening to ourpodcast.
and explore the membershipoptions.

(11:37):
That's S-U-B-G-U-I dot D-E slashsociety.