Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello, everyone, and
welcome to this month's podcast
from Submissive Guide.
I'm your host, Luna KM.
Today, we're talking about thechallenge of inviting your
vanilla partner to engage inpower exchange or kink and how
that might look if they don'twant to be your dominant or kink
partner.
This episode is made possible byour Patreon community, the
(00:22):
Submissive Society.
If you'd like early access tothese podcast episodes, vote for
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You'll get all of my publicposts sent to your home feed and
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(01:07):
I hope to see you there.
Often, we discover our desire tobe submissive or kinky when we
are already in a relationshipand are not sure really how to
proceed with that.
Trying to force your desires onyour partner can come as a
shock, and if you address thesubject without their thoughts
in mind, it could end badly.
(01:29):
But there is a way forward.
Some relationships just need anudge in the right direction to
blossom into power exchange.
Let's cover what you should doto prepare to talk to your
partner about your newfoundinterest, how you can encourage
a submissive mindset on yourown, and how you can slowly
bring kink into the bedroom.
(01:49):
First, I understand that whenyou discover submission or kink,
it can be like lighting a fireinside you and you will want to
do anything to fan the flames.
Keep it at a smolder for asecond.
Consider your partner and theirpersonality, behaviors, and
interactions.
How will they react to yourrevelation?
You must accept that noteveryone is wired to enjoy kink
(02:12):
or be dominant or submissive.
Just because you have someonewho exhibits a dominant
personality occasionally, doesnot mean they will want to be a
dominant in your relationship.
Even though your partner got alittle kinky that one time
during sex, does not mean theyhave a kinky bone in their body
and desire to add more to thebedroom.
So be prepared to broach thesubject with them gently and be
(02:34):
aware that you may not get theanswers you're hoping for.
I understand most of you inrelationships don't even want to
consider leaving them for onereason or another, and I'm not
asking you to.
But remember that you may nothave the dom of your dreams in
the making right there in thenext room.
There are things you can do tofeel a little bit submissive or
(02:54):
a little bit kinky, even if yourpartner is straight-laced
vanilla.
And that's what I'm going to tryto help you achieve and work
with.
If that doesn't work for you,the next step may be a hard
decision to consensually openyour relationship up to other
partners or end it gracefully.
Section 1.
(03:16):
Sit down and talk about yournewfound desires.
Once you're sure you want toexplore BDSM or submission in
your relationship, you need totalk to your partner and see if
they might be on the same pagewith your desires.
When presenting these newthoughts and needs with your
partner, it's natural toexperience excitement and
apprehension.
(03:37):
So let's set you up for success.
Do your homework.
You can't just jump into thedeep end when you want to learn
something new.
You should take some time tolearn about the activities you
are interested in.
The same goes for kink and powerexchange.
So, take a moment to understandwhat you crave, how your partner
(03:57):
would be a part of that, andwhat benefits it would add to
the relationship.
Take your time with this part.
The more information you gather,the more confidence you have,
and it will prepare you for theconversation and the potential
questions your partner may have.
There are recommended readinglists on Submissive Guide to get
you started.
Even if you don't start with abook, explore the internet and
(04:19):
read about other people'sopinions and stories.
I'll provide a link to therecommended reading lists in the
show notes.
Create a safe space for theconversation.
You don't want to have thisconversation while lying in bed
after a tough day at work or astressful evening with the kids.
You should plan and set up thisconversation in advance.
(04:42):
First, Tell your partner youwant to discuss something with
them that you've realized aboutyourself, and you would like to
set a date and time that you candevote to talking about it.
This tells your partner that theconversation is important to
you.
When the time comes for theconversation, remove
distractions like digitaldevices, ask the kids to go play
in the bedroom, or better yet,find a babysitter.
(05:03):
Bring any resources you'vegathered or notes you've taken.
Tips for the conversation.
Navigating these discussionsrequires a delicate balance of
honesty, trust, and mutualrespect.
It's always nice to start aconversation that isn't about
something that needs correctionwith a compliment or some
positive praise.
(05:25):
Tell your partner how you feelabout them and dispel any
concerns they have that thiswill be a we're having problems
sort of talk.
When you're ready, begin with Ifeel statements.
Share what you've discoveredabout yourself and what you hope
will be the talk's outcome.
Present the new information withopen curiosity, allowing space
for your partner to absorb whatyou're saying and ask questions
(05:48):
as they come.
Answer the questions you can andthose you can't, make a note of
them so you can go away and findthe information and answer them
later.
If your partner needs time tothink about what you've
revealed, give them that time.
Ask to reschedule anothermeeting when they are ready to
talk.
Do not pressure them to have ananswer right away.
It's okay to come back to theconversation later.
(06:11):
If you need more advice on howto present your BDSM interest to
your partner, there are somefantastic essays on the site.
I'll include a few in the shownotes.
While discussing the idea ofadding kink or power exchange to
the relationship can beexciting, it's crucial to
prioritize the well-being andhappiness of both partners.
(06:33):
Change is to come from a placeof willingness.
You can't make someone besomething they are not, but
supportive partners may decideto allow for some things to
change if it betters therelationship.
Whatever decision is made, allowit to come at its own pace.
Section two, introducing BDSMkink into an existing
(06:56):
relationship.
If kink is your desire, mostpeople are willing to spice up
their sex life a little bit Andit is easier to add to an
existing relationship in somecapacity.
Whatever you do, don't overwhelmyour partner by saying you want
to be tied up, whipped, flogged,made to cry, and then fucked
silly.
While that sounds hot infantasy, it's hard to pull off
(07:19):
as a novice and is too much toplan.
But you can experiment with onething at a time.
Talk to your partner about anyfantasies you have and would
like to do with them.
Ask your partner what kind offantasies they have and try to
incorporate them into your sexlife.
You may also want to look at aBDSM checklist, which is a long
(07:39):
list of BDSM and kink activitieswhere you can rank your interest
level.
There are dozens of them for youto look at through a simple
internet search.
You can fill them out togetheror separately and then come
together to talk about mutualinterests.
Don't let the ball drop once youget someone interested in trying
something.
(07:59):
flirt with it, talk dirty orsend naughty texts, experiment,
play around and be adventurous.
You may find that you both haveinterests to explore and fun
things to do with each otherthat you never thought possible.
And it could bring yourrelationship closer together and
engage a level of intimacy thatwas not possible before.
Your relationship dynamic couldchange for the better.
(08:22):
Revel in the changes and enjoyyourself.
Start simple.
Pick one to start learning aboutand exploring.
Perhaps that's blindfolds orlight bondage.
It could be a bit of bedroompower exchange where one person
gets to do whatever they want tothe other within limits.
You might like to frame yourplaytime in roleplay as it can
(08:44):
make people feel freer toexpress themselves because it's
not them, but a character theyare playing that's so into the
kinky things they are doing.
A couple to try would be naughtystudent and teacher, ship
captain and stowaway, or bad copand prisoner.
In essence, introducing bedroomkink into an existing
relationship is about embracingexploration, mutual fulfillment,
(09:07):
and pleasure.
By starting with opencommunication and a willingness
to take things one step at atime, you lay the groundwork for
exciting new experiencestogether.
Section 3.
Embracing submission to therelationship.
After long talks about yourdesire to be their submissive,
(09:28):
your partner may decide thatwith all the information they've
been given and theself-reflection they've embarked
on, they are not capable orwilling to be your dominant you
are looking for.
In cases where leaving therelationship is not desired, you
may need to adopt a submissiveto the relationship mentality to
meet some of your desires.
This is not without itschallenges and is far from
(09:50):
ideal.
However, finding ways to nurturethe relationship without relying
on your partner to lead can beenriching.
It requires open communication,empathy, and a willingness to
adapt.
In this section, we'll delveinto practical strategies for
fostering a solo-submissivedynamic that nurtures the
relationship and the spirit ofsubmission while building a
(10:12):
partnership that thrives onshared exploration, mutual
understanding, and support.
The decision to stay in arelationship without DS when you
crave submission is a hard one.
It is not ideal, but it ispossible.
For everyone who attempts toembark on a solo submission
journey, many will decide thatsubmitting to an idea and not a
(10:34):
person isn't fulfilling enough.
But if your relationship isbuilt to support one another in
whatever way possible, you maybe able to find some way to
shift your desires to ones thatbetter yourself and your
relationship with your partner.
Think about the things you dodaily that could be a submissive
service to your partner.
From making their coffee,preparing meals, housework,
(10:57):
childcare, making appointmentsfor them, learning all you can
about their interests, beingsexually available, dressing in
clothing you know they like, andso on.
Start putting these things inthe I submit in this way
category in your mind.
Start treating them assubmissive actions.
(11:18):
Start a journal to track yourprogress in making these mental
changes and logging yourthoughts and feelings.
For the most part, you will beresponsible for setting goals,
shifting behavior patterns, andcorrecting behavior if it
degrades or stops honoring therelationship or your partner.
Creating a personal submissiveprotocol may help orient your
(11:38):
mindset to service andsubmission.
You can read about creating apersonal protocol on Submissive
Guide.
As always, you'll find a link inthe show notes.
You can expand your idea ofserving and submission to
include what you do for yourfamily, friends, and the
community.
Many submissives enjoyvolunteering at animal shelters,
(11:59):
homeless shelters, eventcoordination, and other venues
that rely on volunteerassistance.
Adding a daily meditation orsubmissive affirmations will
help you stay focused on whatyou desire and feed your
submissive spirit as you findways to serve your partner,
family, relationship, andcommunity without the direct
power exchange.
(12:21):
If you have an attentivepartner, they will notice you
are happy doing things that takecare of them or nurture the
relationship.
It's not a direct feelingbecause your partner isn't
actively asking or expecting youto do these things.
but it should fill you with asense of fulfillment as your
partner learns what is drivingyou.
Take some time to have regulardiscussions with your partner
(12:41):
about what you are doing andwhat the changes in focus are
doing for you.
In these discussions, I want youto use I statements and don't
accuse them of not being enoughor not doing enough to develop
your submissive desires.
These aim to keep thecommunication lines open and
share with them how doing thethings you've established make
you feel.
(13:01):
you may encourage them to helpyou in ways that benefit you
both.
Finally, remember thatrelationship communication
should happen often and benon-threatening.
Not every situation turns outfor the better.
Some people just can't be kinkyand don't want to entertain your
fantasies or power exchangerelationship desires.
(13:22):
You may have to make a difficultchoice never to entertain your
desires or to find someone whowill.
It could mean consensuallyopening your relationship to
make room for a dominant whilekeeping the existing
relationship.
It could mean that you become anonline submissive and get your
emotional and mental desires fedthat way.
Whatever happens, hard decisionsmay be ahead of you.
(13:43):
Hopefully, you will both be ableto talk to each other and
compromise on the best solutionfor your future happiness.
Whatever you decide, you deserveto be happy and fulfilled.
If you'd like to help us pickthe next podcast topic and get
(14:24):
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