June 4, 2025 • 21 mins
Like the show? Let us know! Comments, suggestions are open.
In this episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common—and most misunderstood—pieces of advice given to submissives: “Know your wants and needs.” But what does that really mean, and how do you figure out the difference? You’ll learn how to identify your core needs, why honoring them is essential to a healthy D/s relationship, and what happens when you settle for less than what truly fulfills you.
We’ll also explore common submissive-specific needs, how to communicate them, and how to check in with yourself (and your partner) as those needs evolve. Whether you're new to submission or deepening your dynamic, this episode will help you reflect, realign, and reclaim your right to have your needs met.
📝 Topics covered:
- The difference between wants and need
- Why needs matter more than you think
- How unmet needs impact submission and mental health
- Needs specific to D/s and power exchange
- Why settling is harmful (even if the dynamic feels “good enough”)
- Tools for identifying and ranking your needs
- Reflection prompts and next steps
Read the full version on Submissive Guide
🎧 Leave a review or share this episode with someone you care about. Every listen helps more submissives find the tools they need to thrive.
----
Become a member and get more from Submissive Guide today.
►http://patreon.com/subguide
A very special thank you to all who have joined our Patreon. You have helped transform Submissive Guide into one of the leading BDSM education sources online. We're overwhelmed with your generosity and support. Thank you.
_____
Looking for Submissive Guide elsewhere?
►Site: http://www.submissiveguide.com
►Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/subguide
►Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/subguide
►FetLife: http://fetlife.submissiveguide.com
►YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/subguide
►Patreon: https://patreon.com/subguide
►Discord: http://subgui.de/chat
Check Out My Books!
►https://subgui.de/store
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello, welcome to this episode of the Submissive
Guide podcast.
I'm Luna, and if we've never metbefore, I'm the creator of
Submissive Guide.
I've spent 16 years writing,teaching, and coaching
submissives, helping people justlike you build confidence,
develop healthy dynamics, andfind fulfillment in their
(00:20):
submission.
I'm so glad you're here.
Today, we're going to talk aboutyour submissive wants and needs
and why they are vital to yourgrowth as a novice submissive.
But first, do you want to reacha passionate and engaged BDSM
audience?
Submissive Guide offersadvertising opportunities for
creators, educators andbusinesses aligned with our
(00:42):
mission of safe, informed andempowered submission.
Whether you're promoting aproduct, event or educational
resource, we can help youconnect with our community.
Visit submissiveguide.com slashadvertise to learn more and see
if we're a good fit.
We hear it all the time assubmissives, especially when
(01:03):
we're new to the lifestyle.
Know your wants and needs.
It's one of those phrases thatsounds deceptively simple, but
if you've ever actually tried tofigure them out, I mean really
figure them out, it can besurprisingly complicated.
What's the difference?
Why does it matter?
And what happens when thoseneeds go unmet?
(01:26):
These questions follow useverywhere in the lifestyle,
from negotiation checklists tojournaling prompts and even in
online forums where seasonedkinksters remind us to know
ourselves before givingourselves.
But here's the thing.
Those questions can feeloverwhelming when we're just
getting started.
(01:46):
It's easy to get stuck wonderingwhat we should need or second
guessing whether something wedesire is too much or not
submissive enough.
Let's clear up that bit.
A need is something that is notnegotiable for a relationship to
exist.
Things like security, trust,honesty, and monogamy or
(02:09):
non-monogamy fall into the needcategory.
When we talk about needs, we'retalking about essentials.
Think of them as your personalrelationship oxygen.
You can't breathe, thrive, orfeel safe without them.
Needs are your non-negotiables.
They're what make a dynamic workat the most basic level.
(02:32):
For some, that might meanemotional safety.
Others, it's a consistentdominant presence.
And for others, it might eveninclude certain lifestyle
structures like monogamy or aspiritual element.
A want is anything that would benice to have in addition to your
(02:52):
needs, but they aren't allrequired all of the time.
Things like cuddling, BDSMplaytime, frequent sex, date
nights, or the decision to havechildren.
Wants are a beautiful thing.
Wants add flavor, excitement,and comfort.
(03:13):
They enhance your dynamic, butdon't define its foundation.
For example, you might want tobe tucked in every night with a
kiss.
But if your dominant works nightshifts, it doesn't mean the
dynamic is doomed.
An unmet want can lead todisappointment.
But an unmet need often leads todeep dissatisfaction, emotional
(03:35):
burnout, or even harm.
I want to caveat here.
Please know that your wants andneeds are personal and unique.
It is possible that what I'llgive as examples could be in
different lists for you, andthat's okay.
This is such an important pointthat I want to emphasize it
again.
(03:55):
Your needs and wants are notuniversal and are not up for
debate.
Just because something is a wantfor someone else doesn't mean it
can't be a need for you.
Maybe daily check-ins are whathelp you feel grounded and
secure.
They'd go on your need list.
(04:15):
Or maybe sexual explorationisn't a major priority, and
that's okay too.
What matters is that you namethem and honor them.
Let me share why needs are soimportant to your overall health
and happiness in a relationshipand why settling for less than
what you need is harmful to youand the relationship.
(04:37):
And this is where so manysubmissives, especially those
newer to the lifestyle, getstuck.
We may believe that beingsubmissive means being endlessly
adaptable or that we shouldn'tmake demands.
But identifying and honoringyour needs isn't about being
demanding.
It's about being honest.
(04:57):
A healthy DS relationship isbuilt on mutual care and
intentional design.
The dynamic may function on thesurface without your needs in
place, but it will lack thedepth and emotional nourishment
that allows you to thrive.
Let's look at some foundationalexamples.
I will use the basic needs ofsecurity, comfort, and love for
(05:21):
this discussion, but any needsyou have on your list will apply
just as well.
Feel free to make it part ofyour personal analysis.
This is for your development,and I hope it will help you see
why needs are so important.
These three...
Security, comfort, and love areamong the most common needs we
(05:41):
see in relationships of allkinds, not just in DS.
But how they show up and how weexperience them as submissives
can vary dramatically.
As we go through each one, tryreflecting on how it plays out
in your life and whether yourcurrent or past relationships
support it.
(06:01):
Security is the first need thatyou should have met to live.
This can be physical, emotional,or financial security.
You cannot easily go about yourday without a sense of safety
and security.
Things that can threaten yoursecurity are unemployment,
abuse, and terrorist threats.
A breakdown of security can makeall other needs unimportant
(06:25):
until this one is rebuilt.
Just think about how you wouldrespond to the threat to your
security if you lost your houseto a flood.
Would clothing or internetaccess be as essential or would
they take a backseat tore-securing shelter?
In the context of your DSrelationship, security includes
(06:46):
things like consistent behaviorfrom your dominance, predictable
rules or rituals, or clearlycommunicated expectations.
Knowing that your voice mattersand your boundaries will be
honored is especially criticalfor emotional safety.
Without that sense ofgroundedness, Submission often
becomes strained.
You might find yourself walkingon eggshells, afraid to express
(07:10):
your feelings or hesitant tosurrender fully.
It's not because you're bad atsubmission.
It's because your nervous systemis trying to protect you.
And that's not something toignore.
Take a moment to ask yourself,when have I felt truly secure in
a relationship or dynamic?
And what helped me feel thatway?
(07:32):
Comfort is also an importantneed for people.
With comfort, you add food,clothing and other material
goods.
These are things to enhance thesecurity of your life.
Nourishment of your mind, bodyand heart comes from providing
comfort for yourself.
Comfort in a relationship couldbe trust, honesty, openness and
(07:54):
commonality.
Without comfort, you couldexperience malnourishment,
depression and other physicaland emotional stress.
Comfort doesn't always gettalked about enough in DS, but
it plays a huge role in howsustainable your dynamic feels
over time.
Comfort might look like havingspace to decompress after a
(08:14):
scene, sharing your emotionswithout fear of judgment, or
even just laughing togetherduring the day.
Sometimes submissives feeluncomfortable because they think
it's part of the role.
While certain forms ofconsensual discomfort like edge
play or humiliation can beexplored intentionally, your
day-to-day relationship shouldnot leave you feeling
(08:37):
emotionally fragile orchronically stressed.
It's okay to want comfort.
In fact, it's essential for alasting connection.
Love is the last need that I'mgoing to cover here.
Love is relative to each personand is not restricted to
intimate spousal love.
Friendships and familial loveare also important in your life
(09:00):
for balance.
It's hard to be happy if youfeel unloved.
People who feel unloved canexperience depression, stress,
and some have taken their ownlives.
Love is just that important.
Love is one of the mostmisunderstood needs in power
exchange relationships.
For some, love looks like wordsof affirmation or long talks
(09:23):
about your day.
For others, it's acts of servicelike making coffee or kneeling
with intention.
Whatever your love language is,it's vital that your dynamic
supports it.
And one important reminder, DSalone is not love.
A dominant can be strict,powerful, skilled, and still not
(09:46):
loving.
That doesn't make them a badperson.
But if love is one of your coreneeds, that dynamic might not be
the right fit.
Submissives often worry thatneeding love makes them too
vanilla or too emotionally highmaintenance.
It doesn't.
Love is a human need, period.
(10:11):
As a submissive, you may havemore base needs than the
dominant provides.
I can think of the sense ofcontrol from your partner.
In order for you to feel wholein your submission, you may need
a dominant to exert control overyou.
This is considered a need.
You can't be submissive withoutit.
And that's a big one.
It's worth sitting with.
(10:32):
For many of us, the act ofsubmission itself is a need, not
just a want, not a fantasy, buta deep psychological or
emotional orientation.
We need structure.
We need to feel someone holdingthe reins.
We need to feel claimed,protected, and guided.
(10:54):
And that doesn't make us weak.
It makes us submissive.
Section one, need deficits.
A lot of what we experience asstress and depression and a
sense of lacking is due to ourneeds not being fulfilled.
These deficits impact us indifferent ways, but over the
(11:18):
long term, the lack of havingour needs met can make us ill,
very unhappy and frustrated.
For example, what happens ifyour greatest need for affection
wasn't being reached?
Would you feel unwanted, alone,frustrated or unhappy?
Of course you would.
Sometimes when struggling in arelationship or even just
(11:40):
feeling off, we first look forexternal causes.
We blame it on stress at work,poor sleep, hormones or just a
bad week.
And while all of those cancertainly contribute, it's also
worth asking, Are my core needsbeing met right now?
In DS Dynamics, it's easy tobecome laser focused on the
(12:02):
protocols, the play, or keepingyour partner satisfied without
realizing that a deep personalneed is quietly going unmet.
You might crave praise, butreceive only correction.
You might need physicalcloseness, but you live in a
long distance relationship.
Or you might need a consistentstructure, but your dominant is
(12:24):
inconsistent.
These situations don't alwayssignal a bad relationship, but
they do signal an opportunityfor communication, adjustment,
or deeper understanding.
When a need is chronicallyunmet, it can feel like a subtle
erosion of self.
The submissive who once feltvibrant and engaged might slowly
(12:45):
withdraw, become lessresponsive, or feel emotionally
empty.
That's not drama.
It's depletion.
Not all feelings of sadness,frustration, or depression have
to do with a lack of satisfiedneeds, but most can be traced
back to a basic need or desirebeing ignored.
It is my belief that moredivorces happen because
(13:09):
someone's needs aren't being metthan for any other reason.
An open and honest conversationcould have prevented some
compatibility issues in manyrelationships.
This is especially true inlong-term relationships where
people assume that becausethey've been together for a
while, everything should justwork.
But needs can change, and somust the conversations around
(13:32):
them.
In fact, one of the strongestsigns of relationship health
isn't that you've never arguedor that all your needs are met
all of the time.
It's the ability to notice whensomething feels off.
Name it and explore it together.
A dominant can't meet your needsif you're not sharing them, and
(13:53):
a submissive shouldn't be leftguessing at whether their
emotional world is valid orworth tending to.
As with all DS relationships,communication is encouraged
anyway, so make sure your needsare communicated as well.
If they change, let your partnerknow.
The power exchange has to dowith needs as well as everything
(14:14):
else in the relationship, so useit to get what you need.
One helpful practice is to builda regular needs check-in into
your dynamic.
That could be monthly,quarterly, or even seasonally.
Just a dedicated moment torevisit what's working, what's
feeling shaky, and what newneeds might be showing up.
(14:34):
You might be surprised by whatemerges.
A need for more guidance, alonging for stillness, a desire
to feel wanted, not just owned.
And here's a gentle truth.
You are allowed to have needseven if your dynamic seems
perfect on the outside.
As submissives, we sometimeshesitate to rock the boat, but a
(14:57):
dominant worth their title willwant to support your full
well-being, not just the versionof you that follows orders.
Section two, settling for less.
So you found out what your needsare and are entering a
relationship.
What if you can't meet yourneeds in that relationship?
(15:19):
Do you settle for less than whatyou need?
How would you cope?
As I've said before, gettingonly some of your needs met can
have negative consequences andcould mean the end of the
relationship.
This is one of the hardesttruths to face as a submissive,
especially when you care deeplyfor your partner or when
everything else seems to be goodenough.
(15:41):
You might have incrediblechemistry, play well together,
or even share the same values,but still feel a persistent ache
for something more fundamentalthat's missing.
When that happens, it's temptingto tell yourself things like, no
relationship is perfect.
Maybe I'm just being toosensitive.
(16:01):
Or they give me so much already,how can I ask for more?
But unmet needs don't disappearjust because we love someone.
They don't shrink in thesilence.
They tend to grow louder, showup in unexpected ways, and
eventually reshape therelationship in ways we never
intended.
When it comes to needs, youshould never settle for less.
(16:24):
There is a reason why you havemade a list of needs compared to
wants.
Needs are just that.
You have to have them to behappy.
Make sure you share your needslong before your wants hit the
table.
This is why clarity is sopowerful.
If you've clearly identified aneed for emotional consistency,
(16:48):
sexual compatibility, and acertain level of dominant
control, then compromising onthat isn't being flexible.
It's setting yourself up forquiet suffering.
Sometimes we downplay our needsbecause we're afraid of being
seen as too demanding orungrateful.
We might convince ourselveswe're just lucky to have someone
(17:10):
especially in kink spaces wherecompatible partners can feel
rare.
But let me be clear.
You are not asking too much byseeking what you actually need.
There is no gold star forstaying in a dynamic that
depletes you.
And there's no submissive badgeof honor for enduring a
(17:31):
relationship that doesn't feedyour soul.
Understanding your needs and theimportance of certain ones in
your life is key to finallyreaching happiness and
fulfillment.
Take some time this week andtalk to someone you care about
about your needs for arelationship and personal goals
and see where they are as far asyour own needs.
(17:53):
Set up accountability partnersif you can to ensure you stay on
track with your needs andprotect your current and future
happiness.
This is your reminder to bringyour needs out of your head and
into the light.
Share them with a trustedfriend, a therapist, or a
mentor.
If you're in a dynamic, talkwith your partner.
Maybe even create a practicearound reviewing your needs
(18:15):
together every few months.
Needs are not a one-timediscovery.
They shift as we grow.
What wasn't important five yearsago may be essential now.
And you deserve relationshipsthat grow with you, not ones
that hold you hostage tooutdated agreements.
The next time you take a look atyour needs list, make a note of
(18:37):
how important that need is.
You can always scale them sothat you can make sure your base
needs are being met.
Submissives have needs too, somake sure yours get met.
A great tool for this is to rateyour needs on a scale of one to
five.
One could mean it's nice tohave, but not essential right
now.
(18:57):
Three is important, butnegotiable depending on other
factors.
And five is essential.
I cannot be happy or fulfilledwithout this.
Use the scale to check inregularly, especially when
entering a new relationship orevaluating an existing one.
And remember, your needs aren'ta burden.
(19:18):
They're a roadmap to betterrelationships, deeper
submission, and a more grounded,joyful life.
That's all for today's episode.
I hope this gave you space toreflect on what you truly need,
not just in your submission, butin your life and relationships
overall.
Knowing your needs, naming themand honoring them is not
(19:41):
selfish.
It's a powerful form ofself-respect.
And as a submissive, yourwellbeing is just as important
as your service.
The right dynamic will makespace for your needs to be
heard, supported and fulfilled.
So take some time this week.
Revisit your needs list, have aconversation with someone you
trust, or journal about what'scurrently being met and what's
(20:04):
missing.
And above all, remember you donot have to settle.
You're worthy of a dynamic thatnurtures you, not just uses you.
If this episode spoke to you,feel free to share it with a
fellow submissive or drop a noteto us over on the podcast page.
As always, thank you forlistening, reflecting, and
(20:25):
working to build a relationshipthat truly serves you.
This episode was made possibleby our amazing Patreon
community.
If you'd like early access topodcast episodes, the
opportunity to vote on futuretopics and receive updates and
exclusive freebies fromsubmissive guide, join us at
patreon.com slash sub guide.
(20:45):
You can join our Patreoncommunity for free right now.
By joining, you'll getnotifications for all our public
posts, including eventannouncements and more.
Just head to our page, Click thethree dots in the upper right
under the banner and select joinfor free.
To unlock even more, includingexclusive educational content,
(21:07):
early access to everything wepublish on the website, and all
of our other member benefits,simply become a paid patron.
We'd love to have you with us.
Hello, welcome to this episode of the Submissive
Guide podcast.
I'm Luna, and if we've never metbefore, I'm the creator of
Submissive Guide.
I've spent 16 years writing,teaching, and coaching
submissives, helping people justlike you build confidence,
develop healthy dynamics, andfind fulfillment in their
(00:20):
submission.
I'm so glad you're here.
Today, we're going to talk aboutyour submissive wants and needs
and why they are vital to yourgrowth as a novice submissive.
But first, do you want to reacha passionate and engaged BDSM
audience?
Submissive Guide offersadvertising opportunities for
creators, educators andbusinesses aligned with our
(00:42):
mission of safe, informed andempowered submission.
Whether you're promoting aproduct, event or educational
resource, we can help youconnect with our community.
Visit submissiveguide.com slashadvertise to learn more and see
if we're a good fit.
We hear it all the time assubmissives, especially when
(01:03):
we're new to the lifestyle.
Know your wants and needs.
It's one of those phrases thatsounds deceptively simple, but
if you've ever actually tried tofigure them out, I mean really
figure them out, it can besurprisingly complicated.
What's the difference?
Why does it matter?
And what happens when thoseneeds go unmet?
(01:26):
These questions follow useverywhere in the lifestyle,
from negotiation checklists tojournaling prompts and even in
online forums where seasonedkinksters remind us to know
ourselves before givingourselves.
But here's the thing.
Those questions can feeloverwhelming when we're just
getting started.
(01:46):
It's easy to get stuck wonderingwhat we should need or second
guessing whether something wedesire is too much or not
submissive enough.
Let's clear up that bit.
A need is something that is notnegotiable for a relationship to
exist.
Things like security, trust,honesty, and monogamy or
(02:09):
non-monogamy fall into the needcategory.
When we talk about needs, we'retalking about essentials.
Think of them as your personalrelationship oxygen.
You can't breathe, thrive, orfeel safe without them.
Needs are your non-negotiables.
They're what make a dynamic workat the most basic level.
(02:32):
For some, that might meanemotional safety.
Others, it's a consistentdominant presence.
And for others, it might eveninclude certain lifestyle
structures like monogamy or aspiritual element.
A want is anything that would benice to have in addition to your
(02:52):
needs, but they aren't allrequired all of the time.
Things like cuddling, BDSMplaytime, frequent sex, date
nights, or the decision to havechildren.
Wants are a beautiful thing.
Wants add flavor, excitement,and comfort.
(03:13):
They enhance your dynamic, butdon't define its foundation.
For example, you might want tobe tucked in every night with a
kiss.
But if your dominant works nightshifts, it doesn't mean the
dynamic is doomed.
An unmet want can lead todisappointment.
But an unmet need often leads todeep dissatisfaction, emotional
(03:35):
burnout, or even harm.
I want to caveat here.
Please know that your wants andneeds are personal and unique.
It is possible that what I'llgive as examples could be in
different lists for you, andthat's okay.
This is such an important pointthat I want to emphasize it
again.
(03:55):
Your needs and wants are notuniversal and are not up for
debate.
Just because something is a wantfor someone else doesn't mean it
can't be a need for you.
Maybe daily check-ins are whathelp you feel grounded and
secure.
They'd go on your need list.
(04:15):
Or maybe sexual explorationisn't a major priority, and
that's okay too.
What matters is that you namethem and honor them.
Let me share why needs are soimportant to your overall health
and happiness in a relationshipand why settling for less than
what you need is harmful to youand the relationship.
(04:37):
And this is where so manysubmissives, especially those
newer to the lifestyle, getstuck.
We may believe that beingsubmissive means being endlessly
adaptable or that we shouldn'tmake demands.
But identifying and honoringyour needs isn't about being
demanding.
It's about being honest.
(04:57):
A healthy DS relationship isbuilt on mutual care and
intentional design.
The dynamic may function on thesurface without your needs in
place, but it will lack thedepth and emotional nourishment
that allows you to thrive.
Let's look at some foundationalexamples.
I will use the basic needs ofsecurity, comfort, and love for
(05:21):
this discussion, but any needsyou have on your list will apply
just as well.
Feel free to make it part ofyour personal analysis.
This is for your development,and I hope it will help you see
why needs are so important.
These three...
Security, comfort, and love areamong the most common needs we
(05:41):
see in relationships of allkinds, not just in DS.
But how they show up and how weexperience them as submissives
can vary dramatically.
As we go through each one, tryreflecting on how it plays out
in your life and whether yourcurrent or past relationships
support it.
(06:01):
Security is the first need thatyou should have met to live.
This can be physical, emotional,or financial security.
You cannot easily go about yourday without a sense of safety
and security.
Things that can threaten yoursecurity are unemployment,
abuse, and terrorist threats.
A breakdown of security can makeall other needs unimportant
(06:25):
until this one is rebuilt.
Just think about how you wouldrespond to the threat to your
security if you lost your houseto a flood.
Would clothing or internetaccess be as essential or would
they take a backseat tore-securing shelter?
In the context of your DSrelationship, security includes
(06:46):
things like consistent behaviorfrom your dominance, predictable
rules or rituals, or clearlycommunicated expectations.
Knowing that your voice mattersand your boundaries will be
honored is especially criticalfor emotional safety.
Without that sense ofgroundedness, Submission often
becomes strained.
You might find yourself walkingon eggshells, afraid to express
(07:10):
your feelings or hesitant tosurrender fully.
It's not because you're bad atsubmission.
It's because your nervous systemis trying to protect you.
And that's not something toignore.
Take a moment to ask yourself,when have I felt truly secure in
a relationship or dynamic?
And what helped me feel thatway?
(07:32):
Comfort is also an importantneed for people.
With comfort, you add food,clothing and other material
goods.
These are things to enhance thesecurity of your life.
Nourishment of your mind, bodyand heart comes from providing
comfort for yourself.
Comfort in a relationship couldbe trust, honesty, openness and
(07:54):
commonality.
Without comfort, you couldexperience malnourishment,
depression and other physicaland emotional stress.
Comfort doesn't always gettalked about enough in DS, but
it plays a huge role in howsustainable your dynamic feels
over time.
Comfort might look like havingspace to decompress after a
(08:14):
scene, sharing your emotionswithout fear of judgment, or
even just laughing togetherduring the day.
Sometimes submissives feeluncomfortable because they think
it's part of the role.
While certain forms ofconsensual discomfort like edge
play or humiliation can beexplored intentionally, your
day-to-day relationship shouldnot leave you feeling
(08:37):
emotionally fragile orchronically stressed.
It's okay to want comfort.
In fact, it's essential for alasting connection.
Love is the last need that I'mgoing to cover here.
Love is relative to each personand is not restricted to
intimate spousal love.
Friendships and familial loveare also important in your life
(09:00):
for balance.
It's hard to be happy if youfeel unloved.
People who feel unloved canexperience depression, stress,
and some have taken their ownlives.
Love is just that important.
Love is one of the mostmisunderstood needs in power
exchange relationships.
For some, love looks like wordsof affirmation or long talks
(09:23):
about your day.
For others, it's acts of servicelike making coffee or kneeling
with intention.
Whatever your love language is,it's vital that your dynamic
supports it.
And one important reminder, DSalone is not love.
A dominant can be strict,powerful, skilled, and still not
(09:46):
loving.
That doesn't make them a badperson.
But if love is one of your coreneeds, that dynamic might not be
the right fit.
Submissives often worry thatneeding love makes them too
vanilla or too emotionally highmaintenance.
It doesn't.
Love is a human need, period.
(10:11):
As a submissive, you may havemore base needs than the
dominant provides.
I can think of the sense ofcontrol from your partner.
In order for you to feel wholein your submission, you may need
a dominant to exert control overyou.
This is considered a need.
You can't be submissive withoutit.
And that's a big one.
It's worth sitting with.
(10:32):
For many of us, the act ofsubmission itself is a need, not
just a want, not a fantasy, buta deep psychological or
emotional orientation.
We need structure.
We need to feel someone holdingthe reins.
We need to feel claimed,protected, and guided.
(10:54):
And that doesn't make us weak.
It makes us submissive.
Section one, need deficits.
A lot of what we experience asstress and depression and a
sense of lacking is due to ourneeds not being fulfilled.
These deficits impact us indifferent ways, but over the
(11:18):
long term, the lack of havingour needs met can make us ill,
very unhappy and frustrated.
For example, what happens ifyour greatest need for affection
wasn't being reached?
Would you feel unwanted, alone,frustrated or unhappy?
Of course you would.
Sometimes when struggling in arelationship or even just
(11:40):
feeling off, we first look forexternal causes.
We blame it on stress at work,poor sleep, hormones or just a
bad week.
And while all of those cancertainly contribute, it's also
worth asking, Are my core needsbeing met right now?
In DS Dynamics, it's easy tobecome laser focused on the
(12:02):
protocols, the play, or keepingyour partner satisfied without
realizing that a deep personalneed is quietly going unmet.
You might crave praise, butreceive only correction.
You might need physicalcloseness, but you live in a
long distance relationship.
Or you might need a consistentstructure, but your dominant is
(12:24):
inconsistent.
These situations don't alwayssignal a bad relationship, but
they do signal an opportunityfor communication, adjustment,
or deeper understanding.
When a need is chronicallyunmet, it can feel like a subtle
erosion of self.
The submissive who once feltvibrant and engaged might slowly
(12:45):
withdraw, become lessresponsive, or feel emotionally
empty.
That's not drama.
It's depletion.
Not all feelings of sadness,frustration, or depression have
to do with a lack of satisfiedneeds, but most can be traced
back to a basic need or desirebeing ignored.
It is my belief that moredivorces happen because
(13:09):
someone's needs aren't being metthan for any other reason.
An open and honest conversationcould have prevented some
compatibility issues in manyrelationships.
This is especially true inlong-term relationships where
people assume that becausethey've been together for a
while, everything should justwork.
But needs can change, and somust the conversations around
(13:32):
them.
In fact, one of the strongestsigns of relationship health
isn't that you've never arguedor that all your needs are met
all of the time.
It's the ability to notice whensomething feels off.
Name it and explore it together.
A dominant can't meet your needsif you're not sharing them, and
(13:53):
a submissive shouldn't be leftguessing at whether their
emotional world is valid orworth tending to.
As with all DS relationships,communication is encouraged
anyway, so make sure your needsare communicated as well.
If they change, let your partnerknow.
The power exchange has to dowith needs as well as everything
(14:14):
else in the relationship, so useit to get what you need.
One helpful practice is to builda regular needs check-in into
your dynamic.
That could be monthly,quarterly, or even seasonally.
Just a dedicated moment torevisit what's working, what's
feeling shaky, and what newneeds might be showing up.
(14:34):
You might be surprised by whatemerges.
A need for more guidance, alonging for stillness, a desire
to feel wanted, not just owned.
And here's a gentle truth.
You are allowed to have needseven if your dynamic seems
perfect on the outside.
As submissives, we sometimeshesitate to rock the boat, but a
(14:57):
dominant worth their title willwant to support your full
well-being, not just the versionof you that follows orders.
Section two, settling for less.
So you found out what your needsare and are entering a
relationship.
What if you can't meet yourneeds in that relationship?
(15:19):
Do you settle for less than whatyou need?
How would you cope?
As I've said before, gettingonly some of your needs met can
have negative consequences andcould mean the end of the
relationship.
This is one of the hardesttruths to face as a submissive,
especially when you care deeplyfor your partner or when
everything else seems to be goodenough.
(15:41):
You might have incrediblechemistry, play well together,
or even share the same values,but still feel a persistent ache
for something more fundamentalthat's missing.
When that happens, it's temptingto tell yourself things like, no
relationship is perfect.
Maybe I'm just being toosensitive.
(16:01):
Or they give me so much already,how can I ask for more?
But unmet needs don't disappearjust because we love someone.
They don't shrink in thesilence.
They tend to grow louder, showup in unexpected ways, and
eventually reshape therelationship in ways we never
intended.
When it comes to needs, youshould never settle for less.
(16:24):
There is a reason why you havemade a list of needs compared to
wants.
Needs are just that.
You have to have them to behappy.
Make sure you share your needslong before your wants hit the
table.
This is why clarity is sopowerful.
If you've clearly identified aneed for emotional consistency,
(16:48):
sexual compatibility, and acertain level of dominant
control, then compromising onthat isn't being flexible.
It's setting yourself up forquiet suffering.
Sometimes we downplay our needsbecause we're afraid of being
seen as too demanding orungrateful.
We might convince ourselveswe're just lucky to have someone
(17:10):
especially in kink spaces wherecompatible partners can feel
rare.
But let me be clear.
You are not asking too much byseeking what you actually need.
There is no gold star forstaying in a dynamic that
depletes you.
And there's no submissive badgeof honor for enduring a
(17:31):
relationship that doesn't feedyour soul.
Understanding your needs and theimportance of certain ones in
your life is key to finallyreaching happiness and
fulfillment.
Take some time this week andtalk to someone you care about
about your needs for arelationship and personal goals
and see where they are as far asyour own needs.
(17:53):
Set up accountability partnersif you can to ensure you stay on
track with your needs andprotect your current and future
happiness.
This is your reminder to bringyour needs out of your head and
into the light.
Share them with a trustedfriend, a therapist, or a
mentor.
If you're in a dynamic, talkwith your partner.
Maybe even create a practicearound reviewing your needs
(18:15):
together every few months.
Needs are not a one-timediscovery.
They shift as we grow.
What wasn't important five yearsago may be essential now.
And you deserve relationshipsthat grow with you, not ones
that hold you hostage tooutdated agreements.
The next time you take a look atyour needs list, make a note of
(18:37):
how important that need is.
You can always scale them sothat you can make sure your base
needs are being met.
Submissives have needs too, somake sure yours get met.
A great tool for this is to rateyour needs on a scale of one to
five.
One could mean it's nice tohave, but not essential right
now.
(18:57):
Three is important, butnegotiable depending on other
factors.
And five is essential.
I cannot be happy or fulfilledwithout this.
Use the scale to check inregularly, especially when
entering a new relationship orevaluating an existing one.
And remember, your needs aren'ta burden.
(19:18):
They're a roadmap to betterrelationships, deeper
submission, and a more grounded,joyful life.
That's all for today's episode.
I hope this gave you space toreflect on what you truly need,
not just in your submission, butin your life and relationships
overall.
Knowing your needs, naming themand honoring them is not
(19:41):
selfish.
It's a powerful form ofself-respect.
And as a submissive, yourwellbeing is just as important
as your service.
The right dynamic will makespace for your needs to be
heard, supported and fulfilled.
So take some time this week.
Revisit your needs list, have aconversation with someone you
trust, or journal about what'scurrently being met and what's
(20:04):
missing.
And above all, remember you donot have to settle.
You're worthy of a dynamic thatnurtures you, not just uses you.
If this episode spoke to you,feel free to share it with a
fellow submissive or drop a noteto us over on the podcast page.
As always, thank you forlistening, reflecting, and
(20:25):
working to build a relationshipthat truly serves you.
This episode was made possibleby our amazing Patreon
community.
If you'd like early access topodcast episodes, the
opportunity to vote on futuretopics and receive updates and
exclusive freebies fromsubmissive guide, join us at
patreon.com slash sub guide.
(20:45):
You can join our Patreoncommunity for free right now.
By joining, you'll getnotifications for all our public
posts, including eventannouncements and more.
Just head to our page, Click thethree dots in the upper right
under the banner and select joinfor free.
To unlock even more, includingexclusive educational content,
(21:07):
early access to everything wepublish on the website, and all
of our other member benefits,simply become a paid patron.
We'd love to have you with us.
Popular Podcasts
NFL Daily with Gregg Rosenthal
Gregg Rosenthal and a rotating crew of elite NFL Media co-hosts, including Patrick Claybon, Colleen Wolfe, Steve Wyche, Nick Shook and Jourdan Rodrigue of The Athletic get you caught up daily on all the NFL news and analysis you need to be smarter and funnier than your friends.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com