April 30, 2025 • 40 mins
In today’s episode, Emma shares a key concept for why partners have different preferences around physical intimacy, and 5 top reasons that impact their libido and desire. She offers practical solutions to these culprits, and 3 love hack practices to integrate into your life to make sure you have a vibrant and satisfying love life.
Hope you enjoy it!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
I'm gonna be talking about thereasons why couples might be
experiencing low libido or lowdesire in their relationship.
First, I want to show you a keyconcept that we're gonna use to
(00:21):
filter the rest of theinformation today that has a
massive impact on what'shappening for their partners and
why they might be at differentplaces when it comes to what
they want out of their intimacy.
Then I'm going to walk youthrough the five culprits of low
desire and then I'm going togive you some hack practices to
(00:43):
help you rebuild the intimacythat you want.
Okay, so let's dive in.
The main thing that I want topoint out is that there is a
thing that's called desirediscrepancy.
Now, what that means is thatthe partners might have
(01:03):
different sexual styles.
Desired discrepancy has to dowith the partners having
opposite sexual styles.
The female body has more of theresponsive style just follows
with our chemistry and ourbiology and the male body has
(01:24):
more of the spontaneous style.
It follows with how theirbiology works.
Those styles impact how weexperience desire and that
desire impacts how we want toshow up intimately in our
relationship, in our sex life.
So having that informationhandy will help us understand
(01:46):
more what I'm going to describeabout the culprits, why you
might be experiencing low libido, and I'm also going to quickly
make a connection here to sexualdysfunctions.
Sometimes this impacts orgasmicdisorder for women, meaning it
creates that for women, wherewomen have a hard time reaching
(02:08):
orgasm, and it impacts irritabledysfunction for men where you
have the expectation of beingready to go, and the more that
you observe that, the more thatyou want that potentially you
hinder it.
Right, watched erection doesn'tpop this day.
So we want to make sure that weare mindful of those styles in
(02:34):
our biology, in our intimacy, sothat we don't create those
disorders, okay, where we'rehaving a hard time orgasming if
we're women and we might have ahard time getting erected if we
are a guy.
So keep that in mind becausethis is going to influence how
the culprits manifest in therelationship and how we deal
(02:55):
with them.
All right, so we could filterthe rest of the information
through these lens so that wecould catch if we're being true
to our style and if we arecreating funky business for us
where we end up experiencingsome kind of an air quotes
disorder.
All right, okay.
So, having given that setup, Iwant to go into the culprits.
(03:17):
I'm going to list them, explainthem and also I'm going to tell
you how to fix them.
So here we go.
The first one is exhaustion.
Now, these just a little sidenote.
These might be obvious, right,but I want to explain them in a
way that you could connect thedots to why your intimacy might
(03:38):
have taken a hit, so that weincrease the awareness in and of
themselves of, of course theymake sense.
You're like, oh, of course,sure, that's logical, that makes
sense Like duh.
But if we really connect it toour intimacy, then we could be
more proactive around changingthe thing.
That's really obvious but wedon't do anything about.
And then we have a betterimpact in our intimacy and in
(04:01):
our closeness and our sex lifesatisfaction.
So, exhaustion if we are feelingreally exhausted and we are
drained, we have no energy, wemight be in pain, achy, our
body's, like dragging, how canwe possibly expect for us to be
able to get aroused?
(04:21):
We just don't have literallythe energy for the arousal, for
the rising right of whateverenergies are necessary to feel
that desire, that chemistry,that desire in the chemistry,
and to feel the emotions thatcome along with that and for our
body to actually activate, toactually get aroused, literally
(04:44):
physically, to reach our goal ofhaving the pleasure and having
like a deeper connection.
And so that is true for bothstyles.
It's especially true for thefemale body, for the woman,
because our biology is alreadykind of of air quotes, sluggish,
(05:06):
if you may.
It's already kind of needs aramp up.
It already needs a buildup forit to reach height so that it
could orgasm properly and deriveall the pleasure.
But if we're exhausted there'sno way that we could get up that
ramp right.
It's already a steep ramp forus.
We already have to work at thatpotentially right or remove all
the things, so it's easy for usramp.
For us we already have to workat that potentially right or
remove all the things, so it'seasier for us to get up that
(05:27):
ramp.
But if we have like no energyand we're we're dragging with
sluggish, it's virtuallyimpossible.
So it makes sense that we haveno and no desire.
Now all kinds of things affectthis, from lifestyle, grind,
culture, like lack of sleep,having given, given birth,
having infants, sleepless nights, stress, hormones, like all
(05:53):
kinds of things.
Right and the same for the menstress, grinding, overworking
all the things.
It's same thing.
Even though they might beeasier to get aroused and to be
ready, stress is a killer, right.
So their body, chemistry andtheir mindset, it still shuts
(06:14):
everything down.
They still have a hard timeperforming or performing is
probably not the best word forthis, but even though that's how
it is used, I don't want, Idon't want to um, buy into feed,
feed that, that whole thing.
But it's still hard for them toget aroused or to be interested
if the entire, if they'restressed, they just, the body
(06:36):
just doesn't respond.
So how do, how do we fix it?
How do we address this?
So, number one, taking stock of, okay, what is our lifestyle,
what, what are our routines?
What are our habits?
How nourished are we?
How supportive are we?
What are, what are, what areour?
What is our lineup for the day?
(06:57):
What's happening that we'refeeling so exhausted?
We might have an actualphysical reason, like an ailment
.
So getting physical is veryimportant.
Make sure that your hormonesare fine, your thyroid is fine,
your iron, your vitamin D, likeall the neurotransmitters, like
all the things, are functioningproperly, so that it's nothing
(07:19):
physical going on either in thebrain or in the body, the rest
of the body, and then adjustinglifestyle things.
How much sleep are we getting?
What time are we going to bed?
Sometimes we can't help howmuch sleep we get if we have
babies, if we're nursing, likethis kind of stuff.
That makes it even morechallenging, but that could be a
(07:39):
separate conversation.
Just know that.
Well, actually, you know what.
Let me make a comment about that.
If you're nursing and if youhave a little infant, please
nourish yourself, drink a littlewater, eat your nourishing
foods and try to get as muchrest sleep.
However, you can do shifts withyour partner so that you get a
(08:02):
nice stretch of hours in, ifpossible at a time I know easier
said than done.
I know, I know I get it okay.
Been there, been there with myclients, been there personally.
I totally get it.
Do the best you can.
The more that you invest inadjusting that, the more easy
that this gets, assuming thatyou don't have an infant and
(08:23):
that this is not your thing.
This is not what you're goingthrough.
The next thing is you stillmight have young children, and
the young children slash.
Children might affect yoursleep for a very long time.
Yet I understand this too.
Or pets I understand that verywell as well.
But again, what can we put inplace so that we protect our
(08:46):
sleep as much as possible?
What are the things that wecould do?
Either sleep hygiene, going tosleep early or trying to get
long stretches of hours anddoing some kind of coverage with
our partner so that we bothhave a chance to get enough
sleep.
So that's the sleep part.
Then what does your day looklike?
Are you rushing?
(09:06):
Are you running?
Are you grinding?
Are you not resourcing enough?
Do you have your self-care?
Are you nourishing yourselfproperly?
Are you hydrated?
And you see all the things.
And this is assuming thatyou're healthy, right?
So if you have ailments or youtake medicine, there's all the
things going on as well.
So take care of that.
And then, of course, stress,stress, like I said before, man
(09:28):
that just that exhausts us.
Just it's really, really taxingon our system in all the
different ways.
And so if we can mitigate that,now you might say, well, I
can't get rid of the stress.
It comes with the territory ofall of the things.
Sure, you might have the stress, but you could do something
about this impact that thestress has and you become more
(09:50):
resilient.
So if you can't get rid of thestress per se, you could do
something about having stress orhow you manage the stress or
how you counter the impact.
That's the secret.
All right, some people have thiscrazy stressful jobs and lives
and don't do anything to counterthe impact.
That's first of all.
(10:11):
We're going to manage andreduce the stress, of course.
But I hear all of you goingagain you know I can't, this is
the way it is, I understand.
So I'm not even going to try tofight that with you right now.
But you know what.
You can put something in placeto counter it.
Okay, so at least the basics.
What does that mean?
Mindfulness practices, anythingthat nourishes you exercise,
(10:32):
things of that sort.
Now, the rest of the day isalso important.
So the rushing around and thegrinding see how much you can
mitigate that.
Building a little cushion andtransition times in between
things.
Recharging, resourcing in themiddle of the day, connecting to
yourself and to others,replenishes and having somewhat
(10:53):
of a wind down, that'snourishing routine.
In the evening, that's morestress.
Substances and bad food don'thelp anything.
They might give you a littlerelief in the moment.
They might give you a littlehit of dopamine and all the
sugar and all the things, butyou're not doing yourself any
(11:15):
service at the end of the day,because now your body has to
deal with all of that detoxingand cleaning while you're
sleeping and it's focusing onthat as opposed to nourishing
and replenishing and addressingall the other things that it
needs to do to help you havemore vitality.
So if your body needs to getrid of the alcohol process, all
the sugar repair damage thatyou've done to yourself, it's
(11:38):
not going to have as much of achance to do the cleansing in
the brain, filing theinformation away and doing all
the repair that might help youget that juice and that vitality
.
You see, okay, so that's a lotof different things that I cover
there.
This is more of a wellnessconversation at that point in
that particular segment.
(11:58):
But, tweak, you don't have tobe like oh, my dear Lord, that's
only the first one and there'sa gazillion million things to do
.
That's okay.
The one that hits you the most,the one that was a two by two
to your forehead, that's the onethat you're like okay, you know
what?
Let me do something about thatone.
This is how we deal with whenthere is too much stuff coming
(12:20):
at us and too many things tochange at once and it feels
overwhelming.
Okay, pick the one thing you'relike.
You know what?
Let me do something about thatand go for it.
Crack that code right, put thething in place, address the
thing so that you can feel theimpact and the difference.
Okay, so that was forexhaustion.
Number two is domesticity.
(12:42):
What this means is that youbecome too domestic in your
relationship and in yourlifestyle.
Everything becomes aroundrunning the household, dealing
with the children, doing thebusiness of life.
You're living by your roleshusband and wife, or whatever,
(13:04):
wife, wife, husband, husband ormom, dad, whatever the
combinations, right?
Just the roles.
You're just flowing andoperating from that place, not
from couple, lovers, partners,soulmates or mates.
That piece of the relationshipgets lost in translation, and
(13:28):
that's what the juice is.
That's where you could createthe good stuff to have the good
sex life, more than good.
That's where it comes from.
If that goes away, that getsmuted because all the other
roles cover it.
There is no juice.
There is no polarity.
There is no juice.
There is no polarity, there isno attraction, right?
(13:49):
Everything becomes around doing.
There is no being, there's norelaxing, there is no being able
to show up with the essences ofyou, where the attraction was
in the first place.
And, to top it off, you'reprobably both in masculine
energy.
And, to top it off, you'reprobably both in masculine
energy to take care of thebusiness of life.
(14:10):
There's nothing yummy aboutthat.
So we want to embody more of ourcore energy.
So, if we are women, we want toembody a more feminine energy
when we are interacting with ourpartner, because that's where,
(14:30):
in the polarities, where theattraction is.
If you're same gender, one ofyou needs to polarize to the
other energy.
So usually, like I said, mostof us are both partners are
usually in masculine.
So one of the partners,regardless if you're a female or
not, and regardless of whatgender your partner is, one of
you needs to go feminine, allright.
(14:50):
So nevermind genders.
So if both are being inmasculine, leading with
masculine energy and doing allthe masculine things, all of the
doing, one of you needs to whenyou're trying to be sexy and
interact with each other andbuild a couple apart, needs to
go feminine, more feminineenergy.
Now, quick little side noteabout what that means.
(15:13):
The masculine energy is, like Isaid, is the doing, the logical,
the planning, the organizingthe orchest, the making things
happen.
The feminine energy is theemotions, the fun, the
playfulness, the feelings, theintuition, the creative, the
nourishing, the nurturing.
You see, you see the difference.
This part goes away when we'reall in the doing, doing, doing
(15:35):
doing discipline, making thingshappen, taking care of business,
right, and we're all in thisplace most of the time.
And so when we invite thisfeminine part up more, when we
bring it up more and ourpartners and they're masculine
and we show up with our feminineassuming that we are the
feminine partner and again, ifyou're the same gender, then you
(16:00):
decide who's going to do what.
We could take turns in rolestoo, even if our partner is
masculine.
They could choose to male, theycould still choose to be, show
up in their feminine energy.
It's okay too.
We both have both.
So, but as long as it'spolarity, that's where the
attraction happens.
You see, domesticity kills that.
So we have to be superintentional about cultivating
that.
So in a private time or intimes where, okay, we take care
(16:21):
of business, now let's switchinto being together and hanging
out, we have to switch theenergy.
That's super important.
We have to flip to the otherside.
The next culprit is expectation,expectation.
(16:41):
Now, the expectations get inthe way because they have a
tendency to rent space in ourhead.
And when we are in here,ruminating, ruminating, thinking
about things, processing,thinking about things,
remembering things, worryingabout who did what, how was that
thing done?
Was the other thing not done?
What might they be thinkingabout me?
What might be going on aboutthe other thing?
Do they think I'm too fat?
(17:02):
Do they think I'm too skinny?
Do they think I'm ugly?
Do they think I smell Whateverright?
So if we worry about what mightthey be expecting or
experiencing from us and viceversa, what we want from them,
how come they didn't dress upfor us?
How come they didn't showerbefore we got into bed?
How come blah, blah, blah, allthe things that we do, we get
(17:23):
too hung up in the thoughts wecan't drop down into our hearts,
we can't be in our body, wecan't feel our body, we can't
experience our body.
We're not in sensing being mode.
How are we supposed to feel ourbody?
We can't experience our body.
We're not in sensing being mode.
How are we supposed to feelpleasure from that place?
How are we supposed to get intouch with our energy and build
it and culminate.
(17:44):
So the thing to do here is to doa little bit of cleansing
before we go to intimate time,and intimate is not just sexual
intimacy, by the way.
I mean, this whole conversationis about sexual desire and
libido, but this is also aboutconnection and emotional
(18:06):
intimacy.
That gets impacted as well ifwe are all noisy in our head,
and so what to do is to clearthe decks a little bit, take a
little bit of time to transition, take a little time to spill
your brain, dump your brainsthat's the saying, right?
So this I'm known for this inmy house from dinner to hanging
(18:31):
out.
So let's say, work dinnerhanging out.
I take a little bit of time totransition, just to dump my
brain.
Like all this, all the looseends, all the things I'm
supposed to be following up onstill do tomorrow.
Miscellaneous things, whatever,like anything that's running
around my head.
I put it down, right, I take afew notes of, like, all the
(18:51):
little loose ends.
So I go to hang out with aclear, clear slate.
Now I'm empty, I'm ready, right, I'm ready to be filled with
yummy stuff.
I'm ready to be available.
I could get out of my own head.
I'm not still processing.
I could be fully present.
That's huge for me, right?
So I totally need to do that,highly recommend it for people
(19:12):
who have busy heads and who getstuck in all the expectation
game and all the worrying andall the anticipation and all of
these things.
We get stuck there.
So, whatever you could do toempty out your head, to dump
your brain, to stop processingand worrying about things, do
that and then you transition tobeing with your partner, because
(19:33):
from that place you'll be moreavailable and it's easier to go
into your feminine.
If you're from that place,you'll be more available and
it's easier to go into yourfeminine if you're a woman,
because you're not worrying,worrying about doing.
You see, you get out of thenoise, if that's the thing that
gets you, and you could be moreinto the being and therefore
receiving, therefore relaxingand being in your body, and
that's how you allow yourself tobe able to ramp up and feel
(19:56):
that desire.
Now I'm focusing more on thedoing side of this, but it could
be any worries, thoughts or anynoise in your head, right?
So you find your own flavor andthen see what you need to do to
address it.
So for me, it's like all thethings that I have to still do,
for example.
So that's why I do a brain tapand I capture all of that.
(20:17):
All of that for some peoplemight be feelings about their
partner.
People who have had affairs orthings happening like that in
their relationship they mighthave that playing out.
People who have funky dynamicswith their partner they might be
worrying about or thinkingabout all the ways that the
partner let them down so theycan't relax and be with them in
a fun, pleasurable, vulnerableway, because they have
(20:40):
resentment very, very, very,very common.
So you might want to journal,you might want to address those
topics before you go into moreprivate time.
Okay, so tailor this towhatever your situation is more
specifically, so you addressexpectations and the noise in
your head so that now you couldbe available.
Okay, so that was three andthat was expectations.
(21:01):
So now for number four, forenmeshment.
This one has to do with beingtogether too much.
Now some partners might say Iwish right.
So usually feeling disconnectedis a more pervasive state for
couples and therefore beingtogether a lot might be thought
(21:27):
of as a desired state.
But let's clean that up.
You could be together all thetime and still feel very
disconnected.
This brings me back to thepandemic, right?
If you recall, we worked witheach other 24-7 and people were
freaking out and they were stillnot feeling connected.
They were together too much,right?
So you could be in the samespace.
(21:48):
I'm sure you've heard the thingthat says you could be in a
room full of people and stillfeel lonely, right?
Same concept.
You could be in a room full ofpeople and still feel lonely,
right?
Same concept.
You could be with your partnerall the time and still feel
disconnected.
So it's not about the spacethat you're in per se that's
(22:10):
important, but how you're in thespace.
And so this one plays out inthat, if you're together all the
time, you kind of become like ablob.
You're too unmatched, you twotogether, where you don't have
this space to miss each other,to see different aspects, to
bring different stuff in, to seethem as separate from you, to
experience the pull right to, tobe inviting.
(22:34):
If you're together all the time, all that stuff goes away
because, like, you don't misseach other, you see each other
all the time.
You know everything.
There's no questions, there'sno wondering in a good way, no
curiosity, right, like all thisstuff is like.
And so with this, what we wantto do is find the balance
between separateness and andtogetherness.
Huge People think that beingtogether more should be the
(23:01):
right way to do a relationshipand that if partners want time
by themselves, that they don'tcare about the relationship.
They don't care about thepartner, right?
This is some usual thoughtsthat people have.
So on one hand, we know that weneed individual time and that
we need our own space and ourown things logically but a lot
(23:23):
of times one of the partners,even though they understand that
logically, at the end of theday they still want more
closeness and more togetherness.
That partner is alwaysdisappointed that the other
partner is not around enough andthe other partner feels the
pressure to be around more andthey don't want to and they have
made to feel to be the bad guy.
And so what I want to clear uphere is that it's totally fine,
(23:48):
if not imperative, that you haveindividual time, that you have
separateness and that you findthe balance of how much time
together you have and that youmake that time meaningful, that
it's not just being in the samespace, because you could be in
the same space and still notfeel the connection right, and
(24:09):
so it's not about the quantityof time, it's about the quality
of time, the intentionality thatgoes behind the time they are
together.
And for those of you who arefeeling like roommates and
you're disconnected, you barelyhave any time together.
The opposite is true.
But again, you don't have tobuild in all this time.
It's just a matter of findingthe balance.
Just the other way, how do youfind more together time that's
(24:30):
meaningful doesn't have to belike oh let me just totally flip
this thing and I have to findall this time to spend with you.
That's not what we're saying.
Okay, so you assess foryourself where's your
relationship at, and we have tofind a balance that makes sense
for your life.
It doesn't have to be 50 50,whatever this balance that
people seek, whatever whateverbalance, differential balance
people have a way that servesyou, meets your needs.
(24:52):
That's what balance means atthe end of the day.
And so somewhat of me time andus time.
And what does that look like?
Very intentional, so you reallynourish yourself and you really
nourish the relationship.
Okay, so that's what that means, okay.
The last one is boredom, andboredom is when we do life by
(25:16):
default, day in and day out,same things grinding, basic
routines, basic together time,not intentional, not having the
experiences, not bringing in anygood yummy juice into the
relationship.
You're pretty much dull.
You've muted your radiance bythe monotony of things, and so
(25:39):
what we want to do with this oneis to shake things up a little
bit and do some different things.
Have a different interest, havea different habit, have a
different activity, have adifferenting, bring different
people into your life.
And again, I don't want to makethis overwhelming you don't
(26:00):
have to do all of the things,whatever reason.
I just picked that one thingright I need to hang out with my
friends a little bit more.
Maybe I need to go to the gym alittle bit more.
Maybe I need to take an artclass.
Maybe I need to hang out withmy family more.
Maybe I need to take more trips.
I don't know, I'm just saying.
So what does that look like foryou and how can you air more
(26:25):
juice?
How can you bring morealiveness?
The more that you invest inyourself and you remove the
monotony and the yuck and thenoise and the grind and the
stress, the more that yourradiance can shine through, you
see, the more sparkly that youbecome, and that's where the
attraction comes from and that'swhere the interest comes from,
(26:47):
and that's where the allurecomes from and that's where the
desire comes from, and that'swhere the libido is more alive
and ready, you see from, andthat's where the libido is more
alive and ready, you see.
So with all these things, withthis five, our job is to
mitigate the thing that's mutingus and making us dead or not
(27:07):
interested and just blah,putting a little thing in there
so that we could remove anyroadblocks for us feeling more
radiant and more alive and moreready.
So, quick recap, the five areexhaustion, domesticity,
expectations, enmeshment andboredom.
(27:31):
All righty, so the last thingthat I want to offer for today
is hacks and practices.
What does that mean and whatare we going to talk about here?
So a few things with this.
The first one is three thingsyou know I'm going to offer you.
So the first one is that wewant to make sure that we invest
(27:52):
in our connection.
When we are feeling connected,when we're feeling resourced,
when we're feeling aligned, wefeel safe.
When we feel safe, we're ableto let go, we're able to relax,
we're able to get out of our getout of the head, become more
available and be able to like,drop in and be present and be
(28:14):
and be ready, so we could takethings to the next level.
If we're not connected, if weare worried, if we are stressed,
if we are not feeling ourpartner, if we are having
resentments, if we are fighting,right, we can't really go there
unless you're having angry sex,but that's like the whole other
(28:35):
thing.
That's a different conversation.
Most of us are not doing thatright.
Most of us are feelingdisconnected, and these are some
of the things that wouldaddress that, and so our job is
to create a safety so that wecan take things to the next
level.
We can remove all this stuffthat gets in the way and then we
could feel freely and be ableto show up that way.
(28:55):
So, address the resentment,address whatever's annoying.
You address putting things inplace so you could build that
connection, deepen thatconnection so you feel more
aligned.
So whatever's getting in theway again with something there,
to remove it, to address it, soyou create the flow again, you
see, and you can get yourselfthere.
(29:17):
The other one is the golden ruleof sexuality, and I think I
learned this in graduate schoola long time ago.
Somebody threw this out thereas the thing, and I made it a
rule that I teach clients now,and that is sex one time a week.
Now don't shoot the messenger.
Let me explain what this means.
You might have a fewresistances around that.
(29:38):
Number one you might say that'stoo little.
Number two you might say that'snot romantic or sexy to
schedule it, fine.
So this is what I say to you.
Number one if you're not havingany sex and you schedule and you
have it, we're ahead of thegame.
That doesn't mean that youcan't have more sex.
You can have all the sex youwant.
You can be as spontaneous asyou want.
So I'm not saying that youschedule it once and you're done
(29:59):
.
I'm saying schedule it so youhave at least one, okay.
And two, it might not be sexy,but at least you're having some.
And then you make sure youcover your bases.
You could have all the other,sexy as much as you want, as
passionate as you want, aswhatever.
It might not schedule, mightnot feel passionate or
(30:19):
romantical or sexy or whatever,but it's what you do with it.
At least you create a space forit.
How you show up to it's up toyou.
It doesn't mean that becausethe schedule is going to be
boring.
Sex, right so?
So those two things don't go,don't go together.
You can have all the romanticaland spontaneous sex that you
want outside of that, or ratherthan, and as much as you want
outside of that.
So a schedule doesn't meananything, it just means that at
(30:42):
least you get it and you canhave a lot more than that one
time.
Okay, so have fun.
And then, number three date yourpartner.
Now, so a few things here thatcome up.
Date your partner doesn't meana little bit of time together in
the same room or doing a littlesomething and you call it a day
(31:03):
and that's a date.
If that's what you're doing andthat's all you can manage,
because life is nuts, it'sbetter than nothing.
So at least you have the coupleof times some time together,
and at least you're getting outtogether and you're doing
something, fine, that's fine.
I'm not saying anything aboutthat.
If that's all you can manage,that's perfect.
(31:28):
But please, I implore you, stepit up a notch if you can.
And that means that when youshow up to this date, it's going
to be not a doing date, notjust showing up to the date as
your usual selves, it's going tobe that you show up to the
state with your core energy, notwith the rules, not with all
the to-do's, not with talkingabout the children or catching
up on the gossip.
(31:48):
Right, you're going to use thistime to have more meaningful
interactions, deeper connections.
Talk about the relationship,not necessarily what's wrong
with it and fixing things, butlike checking in with each other
and being with each other,talking about dreams, desires,
future alignment, values, thingsthat are touching your heart.
(32:12):
Just showing up with adifferent side of you, with the
part of you that doesn't get toshow up throughout the day
because you're in the doing morethan taking care of business
life mode.
You're going to show up as ifyou were on a date, as if you
just met this person.
Right, you don't show up todates when you start dating with
(32:35):
all of the noise of lifeusually.
Usually, if you do that, you'reprobably not doing very well
dating.
Just a little side note there,right?
But so you're going to treatgoing out with your partner date
night like, really like a date.
You're going to show up in datewith date energy, in date mode.
So take yourself out, bringthat yummy, sexy energy.
(32:56):
Show up with your essence.
Take a little care, show upwith the wooing, show up with
the feminine energy, show upwith all the things, so that the
spark has a chance to spark andreignite and rekindle and have
the good conversations.
How often do you get to havethese?
How often do you get to havethis time together like this,
right?
(33:16):
So milk it.
That's one aspect of it.
The other aspect of it is toinvest in having fun, good dates
, not just showing up somewhereand having this conversation, so
this bringing this energy,which is good enough in and of
itself, but the more that youinvest into this, the more you
get out of it right.
You have experiences, you canhave adventure, you have fun.
You could just tap into allkinds of other things and bring
(33:37):
all that good, yummy energy.
For on that, we have a date,your partner protocol that you
could download.
It's one page that walks youthrough the whole process of how
to date your partner properly,so you get all the good, yummy
stuff that I'm talking about.
We're going to put a link forthat in the description so that
you could download it and gethooked up with this.
(33:59):
Okay, my loves, those are thethree hacks Connecting better
sex one time a week at least anddate your partner properly, all
right.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
I would love to know what ofthis resonated the most, what
you're going to do next.
Take an action, make it real,go for it, have all the fun and
(34:21):
hopefully you could crack thecode on having more love it all
and having more desire in yourrelationship and really enjoying
the sex life that you desireand that you want to have with
your partner.
Thank you so much for watching.
I will see you at the next one.
Bye.
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
I'm gonna be talking about thereasons why couples might be
experiencing low libido or lowdesire in their relationship.
First, I want to show you a keyconcept that we're gonna use to
(00:21):
filter the rest of theinformation today that has a
massive impact on what'shappening for their partners and
why they might be at differentplaces when it comes to what
they want out of their intimacy.
Then I'm going to walk youthrough the five culprits of low
desire and then I'm going togive you some hack practices to
(00:43):
help you rebuild the intimacythat you want.
Okay, so let's dive in.
The main thing that I want topoint out is that there is a
thing that's called desirediscrepancy.
Now, what that means is thatthe partners might have
(01:03):
different sexual styles.
Desired discrepancy has to dowith the partners having
opposite sexual styles.
The female body has more of theresponsive style just follows
with our chemistry and ourbiology and the male body has
(01:24):
more of the spontaneous style.
It follows with how theirbiology works.
Those styles impact how weexperience desire and that
desire impacts how we want toshow up intimately in our
relationship, in our sex life.
So having that informationhandy will help us understand
(01:46):
more what I'm going to describeabout the culprits, why you
might be experiencing low libido, and I'm also going to quickly
make a connection here to sexualdysfunctions.
Sometimes this impacts orgasmicdisorder for women, meaning it
creates that for women, wherewomen have a hard time reaching
(02:08):
orgasm, and it impacts irritabledysfunction for men where you
have the expectation of beingready to go, and the more that
you observe that, the more thatyou want that potentially you
hinder it.
Right, watched erection doesn'tpop this day.
So we want to make sure that weare mindful of those styles in
(02:34):
our biology, in our intimacy, sothat we don't create those
disorders, okay, where we'rehaving a hard time orgasming if
we're women and we might have ahard time getting erected if we
are a guy.
So keep that in mind becausethis is going to influence how
the culprits manifest in therelationship and how we deal
(02:55):
with them.
All right, so we could filterthe rest of the information
through these lens so that wecould catch if we're being true
to our style and if we arecreating funky business for us
where we end up experiencingsome kind of an air quotes
disorder.
All right, okay.
So, having given that setup, Iwant to go into the culprits.
(03:17):
I'm going to list them, explainthem and also I'm going to tell
you how to fix them.
So here we go.
The first one is exhaustion.
Now, these just a little sidenote.
These might be obvious, right,but I want to explain them in a
way that you could connect thedots to why your intimacy might
(03:38):
have taken a hit, so that weincrease the awareness in and of
themselves of, of course theymake sense.
You're like, oh, of course,sure, that's logical, that makes
sense Like duh.
But if we really connect it toour intimacy, then we could be
more proactive around changingthe thing.
That's really obvious but wedon't do anything about.
And then we have a betterimpact in our intimacy and in
(04:01):
our closeness and our sex lifesatisfaction.
So, exhaustion if we are feelingreally exhausted and we are
drained, we have no energy, wemight be in pain, achy, our
body's, like dragging, how canwe possibly expect for us to be
able to get aroused?
(04:21):
We just don't have literallythe energy for the arousal, for
the rising right of whateverenergies are necessary to feel
that desire, that chemistry,that desire in the chemistry,
and to feel the emotions thatcome along with that and for our
body to actually activate, toactually get aroused, literally
(04:44):
physically, to reach our goal ofhaving the pleasure and having
like a deeper connection.
And so that is true for bothstyles.
It's especially true for thefemale body, for the woman,
because our biology is alreadykind of of air quotes, sluggish,
(05:06):
if you may.
It's already kind of needs aramp up.
It already needs a buildup forit to reach height so that it
could orgasm properly and deriveall the pleasure.
But if we're exhausted there'sno way that we could get up that
ramp right.
It's already a steep ramp forus.
We already have to work at thatpotentially right or remove all
the things, so it's easy for usramp.
For us we already have to workat that potentially right or
remove all the things, so it'seasier for us to get up that
(05:27):
ramp.
But if we have like no energyand we're we're dragging with
sluggish, it's virtuallyimpossible.
So it makes sense that we haveno and no desire.
Now all kinds of things affectthis, from lifestyle, grind,
culture, like lack of sleep,having given, given birth,
having infants, sleepless nights, stress, hormones, like all
(05:53):
kinds of things.
Right and the same for the menstress, grinding, overworking
all the things.
It's same thing.
Even though they might beeasier to get aroused and to be
ready, stress is a killer, right.
So their body, chemistry andtheir mindset, it still shuts
(06:14):
everything down.
They still have a hard timeperforming or performing is
probably not the best word forthis, but even though that's how
it is used, I don't want, Idon't want to um, buy into feed,
feed that, that whole thing.
But it's still hard for them toget aroused or to be interested
if the entire, if they'restressed, they just, the body
(06:36):
just doesn't respond.
So how do, how do we fix it?
How do we address this?
So, number one, taking stock of, okay, what is our lifestyle,
what, what are our routines?
What are our habits?
How nourished are we?
How supportive are we?
What are, what are, what areour?
What is our lineup for the day?
(06:57):
What's happening that we'refeeling so exhausted?
We might have an actualphysical reason, like an ailment
.
So getting physical is veryimportant.
Make sure that your hormonesare fine, your thyroid is fine,
your iron, your vitamin D, likeall the neurotransmitters, like
all the things, are functioningproperly, so that it's nothing
(07:19):
physical going on either in thebrain or in the body, the rest
of the body, and then adjustinglifestyle things.
How much sleep are we getting?
What time are we going to bed?
Sometimes we can't help howmuch sleep we get if we have
babies, if we're nursing, likethis kind of stuff.
That makes it even morechallenging, but that could be a
(07:39):
separate conversation.
Just know that.
Well, actually, you know what.
Let me make a comment about that.
If you're nursing and if youhave a little infant, please
nourish yourself, drink a littlewater, eat your nourishing
foods and try to get as muchrest sleep.
However, you can do shifts withyour partner so that you get a
(08:02):
nice stretch of hours in, ifpossible at a time I know easier
said than done.
I know, I know I get it okay.
Been there, been there with myclients, been there personally.
I totally get it.
Do the best you can.
The more that you invest inadjusting that, the more easy
that this gets, assuming thatyou don't have an infant and
(08:23):
that this is not your thing.
This is not what you're goingthrough.
The next thing is you stillmight have young children, and
the young children slash.
Children might affect yoursleep for a very long time.
Yet I understand this too.
Or pets I understand that verywell as well.
But again, what can we put inplace so that we protect our
(08:46):
sleep as much as possible?
What are the things that wecould do?
Either sleep hygiene, going tosleep early or trying to get
long stretches of hours anddoing some kind of coverage with
our partner so that we bothhave a chance to get enough
sleep.
So that's the sleep part.
Then what does your day looklike?
Are you rushing?
(09:06):
Are you running?
Are you grinding?
Are you not resourcing enough?
Do you have your self-care?
Are you nourishing yourselfproperly?
Are you hydrated?
And you see all the things.
And this is assuming thatyou're healthy, right?
So if you have ailments or youtake medicine, there's all the
things going on as well.
So take care of that.
And then, of course, stress,stress, like I said before, man
(09:28):
that just that exhausts us.
Just it's really, really taxingon our system in all the
different ways.
And so if we can mitigate that,now you might say, well, I
can't get rid of the stress.
It comes with the territory ofall of the things.
Sure, you might have the stress, but you could do something
about this impact that thestress has and you become more
(09:50):
resilient.
So if you can't get rid of thestress per se, you could do
something about having stress orhow you manage the stress or
how you counter the impact.
That's the secret.
All right, some people have thiscrazy stressful jobs and lives
and don't do anything to counterthe impact.
That's first of all.
(10:11):
We're going to manage andreduce the stress, of course.
But I hear all of you goingagain you know I can't, this is
the way it is, I understand.
So I'm not even going to try tofight that with you right now.
But you know what.
You can put something in placeto counter it.
Okay, so at least the basics.
What does that mean?
Mindfulness practices, anythingthat nourishes you exercise,
(10:32):
things of that sort.
Now, the rest of the day isalso important.
So the rushing around and thegrinding see how much you can
mitigate that.
Building a little cushion andtransition times in between
things.
Recharging, resourcing in themiddle of the day, connecting to
yourself and to others,replenishes and having somewhat
(10:53):
of a wind down, that'snourishing routine.
In the evening, that's morestress.
Substances and bad food don'thelp anything.
They might give you a littlerelief in the moment.
They might give you a littlehit of dopamine and all the
sugar and all the things, butyou're not doing yourself any
(11:15):
service at the end of the day,because now your body has to
deal with all of that detoxingand cleaning while you're
sleeping and it's focusing onthat as opposed to nourishing
and replenishing and addressingall the other things that it
needs to do to help you havemore vitality.
So if your body needs to getrid of the alcohol process, all
the sugar repair damage thatyou've done to yourself, it's
(11:38):
not going to have as much of achance to do the cleansing in
the brain, filing theinformation away and doing all
the repair that might help youget that juice and that vitality
.
You see, okay, so that's a lotof different things that I cover
there.
This is more of a wellnessconversation at that point in
that particular segment.
(11:58):
But, tweak, you don't have tobe like oh, my dear Lord, that's
only the first one and there'sa gazillion million things to do
.
That's okay.
The one that hits you the most,the one that was a two by two
to your forehead, that's the onethat you're like okay, you know
what?
Let me do something about thatone.
This is how we deal with whenthere is too much stuff coming
(12:20):
at us and too many things tochange at once and it feels
overwhelming.
Okay, pick the one thing you'relike.
You know what?
Let me do something about thatand go for it.
Crack that code right, put thething in place, address the
thing so that you can feel theimpact and the difference.
Okay, so that was forexhaustion.
Number two is domesticity.
(12:42):
What this means is that youbecome too domestic in your
relationship and in yourlifestyle.
Everything becomes aroundrunning the household, dealing
with the children, doing thebusiness of life.
You're living by your roleshusband and wife, or whatever,
(13:04):
wife, wife, husband, husband ormom, dad, whatever the
combinations, right?
Just the roles.
You're just flowing andoperating from that place, not
from couple, lovers, partners,soulmates or mates.
That piece of the relationshipgets lost in translation, and
(13:28):
that's what the juice is.
That's where you could createthe good stuff to have the good
sex life, more than good.
That's where it comes from.
If that goes away, that getsmuted because all the other
roles cover it.
There is no juice.
There is no polarity.
There is no juice.
There is no polarity, there isno attraction, right?
(13:49):
Everything becomes around doing.
There is no being, there's norelaxing, there is no being able
to show up with the essences ofyou, where the attraction was
in the first place.
And, to top it off, you'reprobably both in masculine
energy.
And, to top it off, you'reprobably both in masculine
energy to take care of thebusiness of life.
(14:10):
There's nothing yummy aboutthat.
So we want to embody more of ourcore energy.
So, if we are women, we want toembody a more feminine energy
when we are interacting with ourpartner, because that's where,
(14:30):
in the polarities, where theattraction is.
If you're same gender, one ofyou needs to polarize to the
other energy.
So usually, like I said, mostof us are both partners are
usually in masculine.
So one of the partners,regardless if you're a female or
not, and regardless of whatgender your partner is, one of
you needs to go feminine, allright.
(14:50):
So nevermind genders.
So if both are being inmasculine, leading with
masculine energy and doing allthe masculine things, all of the
doing, one of you needs to whenyou're trying to be sexy and
interact with each other andbuild a couple apart, needs to
go feminine, more feminineenergy.
Now, quick little side noteabout what that means.
(15:13):
The masculine energy is, like Isaid, is the doing, the logical,
the planning, the organizingthe orchest, the making things
happen.
The feminine energy is theemotions, the fun, the
playfulness, the feelings, theintuition, the creative, the
nourishing, the nurturing.
You see, you see the difference.
This part goes away when we'reall in the doing, doing, doing
(15:35):
doing discipline, making thingshappen, taking care of business,
right, and we're all in thisplace most of the time.
And so when we invite thisfeminine part up more, when we
bring it up more and ourpartners and they're masculine
and we show up with our feminineassuming that we are the
feminine partner and again, ifyou're the same gender, then you
(16:00):
decide who's going to do what.
We could take turns in rolestoo, even if our partner is
masculine.
They could choose to male, theycould still choose to be, show
up in their feminine energy.
It's okay too.
We both have both.
So, but as long as it'spolarity, that's where the
attraction happens.
You see, domesticity kills that.
So we have to be superintentional about cultivating
that.
So in a private time or intimes where, okay, we take care
(16:21):
of business, now let's switchinto being together and hanging
out, we have to switch theenergy.
That's super important.
We have to flip to the otherside.
The next culprit is expectation,expectation.
(16:41):
Now, the expectations get inthe way because they have a
tendency to rent space in ourhead.
And when we are in here,ruminating, ruminating, thinking
about things, processing,thinking about things,
remembering things, worryingabout who did what, how was that
thing done?
Was the other thing not done?
What might they be thinkingabout me?
What might be going on aboutthe other thing?
Do they think I'm too fat?
(17:02):
Do they think I'm too skinny?
Do they think I'm ugly?
Do they think I smell Whateverright?
So if we worry about what mightthey be expecting or
experiencing from us and viceversa, what we want from them,
how come they didn't dress upfor us?
How come they didn't showerbefore we got into bed?
How come blah, blah, blah, allthe things that we do, we get
(17:23):
too hung up in the thoughts wecan't drop down into our hearts,
we can't be in our body, wecan't feel our body, we can't
experience our body.
We're not in sensing being mode.
How are we supposed to feel ourbody?
We can't experience our body.
We're not in sensing being mode.
How are we supposed to feelpleasure from that place?
How are we supposed to get intouch with our energy and build
it and culminate.
(17:44):
So the thing to do here is to doa little bit of cleansing
before we go to intimate time,and intimate is not just sexual
intimacy, by the way.
I mean, this whole conversationis about sexual desire and
libido, but this is also aboutconnection and emotional
(18:06):
intimacy.
That gets impacted as well ifwe are all noisy in our head,
and so what to do is to clearthe decks a little bit, take a
little bit of time to transition, take a little time to spill
your brain, dump your brainsthat's the saying, right?
So this I'm known for this inmy house from dinner to hanging
(18:31):
out.
So let's say, work dinnerhanging out.
I take a little bit of time totransition, just to dump my
brain.
Like all this, all the looseends, all the things I'm
supposed to be following up onstill do tomorrow.
Miscellaneous things, whatever,like anything that's running
around my head.
I put it down, right, I take afew notes of, like, all the
(18:51):
little loose ends.
So I go to hang out with aclear, clear slate.
Now I'm empty, I'm ready, right, I'm ready to be filled with
yummy stuff.
I'm ready to be available.
I could get out of my own head.
I'm not still processing.
I could be fully present.
That's huge for me, right?
So I totally need to do that,highly recommend it for people
(19:12):
who have busy heads and who getstuck in all the expectation
game and all the worrying andall the anticipation and all of
these things.
We get stuck there.
So, whatever you could do toempty out your head, to dump
your brain, to stop processingand worrying about things, do
that and then you transition tobeing with your partner, because
(19:33):
from that place you'll be moreavailable and it's easier to go
into your feminine.
If you're from that place,you'll be more available and
it's easier to go into yourfeminine if you're a woman,
because you're not worrying,worrying about doing.
You see, you get out of thenoise, if that's the thing that
gets you, and you could be moreinto the being and therefore
receiving, therefore relaxingand being in your body, and
that's how you allow yourself tobe able to ramp up and feel
(19:56):
that desire.
Now I'm focusing more on thedoing side of this, but it could
be any worries, thoughts or anynoise in your head, right?
So you find your own flavor andthen see what you need to do to
address it.
So for me, it's like all thethings that I have to still do,
for example.
So that's why I do a brain tapand I capture all of that.
(20:17):
All of that for some peoplemight be feelings about their
partner.
People who have had affairs orthings happening like that in
their relationship they mighthave that playing out.
People who have funky dynamicswith their partner they might be
worrying about or thinkingabout all the ways that the
partner let them down so theycan't relax and be with them in
a fun, pleasurable, vulnerableway, because they have
(20:40):
resentment very, very, very,very common.
So you might want to journal,you might want to address those
topics before you go into moreprivate time.
Okay, so tailor this towhatever your situation is more
specifically, so you addressexpectations and the noise in
your head so that now you couldbe available.
Okay, so that was three andthat was expectations.
(21:01):
So now for number four, forenmeshment.
This one has to do with beingtogether too much.
Now some partners might say Iwish right.
So usually feeling disconnectedis a more pervasive state for
couples and therefore beingtogether a lot might be thought
(21:27):
of as a desired state.
But let's clean that up.
You could be together all thetime and still feel very
disconnected.
This brings me back to thepandemic, right?
If you recall, we worked witheach other 24-7 and people were
freaking out and they were stillnot feeling connected.
They were together too much,right?
So you could be in the samespace.
(21:48):
I'm sure you've heard the thingthat says you could be in a
room full of people and stillfeel lonely, right?
Same concept.
You could be in a room full ofpeople and still feel lonely,
right?
Same concept.
You could be with your partnerall the time and still feel
disconnected.
So it's not about the spacethat you're in per se that's
(22:10):
important, but how you're in thespace.
And so this one plays out inthat, if you're together all the
time, you kind of become like ablob.
You're too unmatched, you twotogether, where you don't have
this space to miss each other,to see different aspects, to
bring different stuff in, to seethem as separate from you, to
experience the pull right to, tobe inviting.
(22:34):
If you're together all the time, all that stuff goes away
because, like, you don't misseach other, you see each other
all the time.
You know everything.
There's no questions, there'sno wondering in a good way, no
curiosity, right, like all thisstuff is like.
And so with this, what we wantto do is find the balance
between separateness and andtogetherness.
Huge People think that beingtogether more should be the
(23:01):
right way to do a relationshipand that if partners want time
by themselves, that they don'tcare about the relationship.
They don't care about thepartner, right?
This is some usual thoughtsthat people have.
So on one hand, we know that weneed individual time and that
we need our own space and ourown things logically but a lot
(23:23):
of times one of the partners,even though they understand that
logically, at the end of theday they still want more
closeness and more togetherness.
That partner is alwaysdisappointed that the other
partner is not around enough andthe other partner feels the
pressure to be around more andthey don't want to and they have
made to feel to be the bad guy.
And so what I want to clear uphere is that it's totally fine,
(23:48):
if not imperative, that you haveindividual time, that you have
separateness and that you findthe balance of how much time
together you have and that youmake that time meaningful, that
it's not just being in the samespace, because you could be in
the same space and still notfeel the connection right, and
(24:09):
so it's not about the quantityof time, it's about the quality
of time, the intentionality thatgoes behind the time they are
together.
And for those of you who arefeeling like roommates and
you're disconnected, you barelyhave any time together.
The opposite is true.
But again, you don't have tobuild in all this time.
It's just a matter of findingthe balance.
Just the other way, how do youfind more together time that's
(24:30):
meaningful doesn't have to belike oh let me just totally flip
this thing and I have to findall this time to spend with you.
That's not what we're saying.
Okay, so you assess foryourself where's your
relationship at, and we have tofind a balance that makes sense
for your life.
It doesn't have to be 50 50,whatever this balance that
people seek, whatever whateverbalance, differential balance
people have a way that servesyou, meets your needs.
(24:52):
That's what balance means atthe end of the day.
And so somewhat of me time andus time.
And what does that look like?
Very intentional, so you reallynourish yourself and you really
nourish the relationship.
Okay, so that's what that means, okay.
The last one is boredom, andboredom is when we do life by
(25:16):
default, day in and day out,same things grinding, basic
routines, basic together time,not intentional, not having the
experiences, not bringing in anygood yummy juice into the
relationship.
You're pretty much dull.
You've muted your radiance bythe monotony of things, and so
(25:39):
what we want to do with this oneis to shake things up a little
bit and do some different things.
Have a different interest, havea different habit, have a
different activity, have adifferenting, bring different
people into your life.
And again, I don't want to makethis overwhelming you don't
(26:00):
have to do all of the things,whatever reason.
I just picked that one thingright I need to hang out with my
friends a little bit more.
Maybe I need to go to the gym alittle bit more.
Maybe I need to take an artclass.
Maybe I need to hang out withmy family more.
Maybe I need to take more trips.
I don't know, I'm just saying.
So what does that look like foryou and how can you air more
(26:25):
juice?
How can you bring morealiveness?
The more that you invest inyourself and you remove the
monotony and the yuck and thenoise and the grind and the
stress, the more that yourradiance can shine through, you
see, the more sparkly that youbecome, and that's where the
attraction comes from and that'swhere the interest comes from,
(26:47):
and that's where the allurecomes from and that's where the
desire comes from, and that'swhere the libido is more alive
and ready, you see from, andthat's where the libido is more
alive and ready, you see.
So with all these things, withthis five, our job is to
mitigate the thing that's mutingus and making us dead or not
(27:07):
interested and just blah,putting a little thing in there
so that we could remove anyroadblocks for us feeling more
radiant and more alive and moreready.
So, quick recap, the five areexhaustion, domesticity,
expectations, enmeshment andboredom.
(27:31):
All righty, so the last thingthat I want to offer for today
is hacks and practices.
What does that mean and whatare we going to talk about here?
So a few things with this.
The first one is three thingsyou know I'm going to offer you.
So the first one is that wewant to make sure that we invest
(27:52):
in our connection.
When we are feeling connected,when we're feeling resourced,
when we're feeling aligned, wefeel safe.
When we feel safe, we're ableto let go, we're able to relax,
we're able to get out of our getout of the head, become more
available and be able to like,drop in and be present and be
(28:14):
and be ready, so we could takethings to the next level.
If we're not connected, if weare worried, if we are stressed,
if we are not feeling ourpartner, if we are having
resentments, if we are fighting,right, we can't really go there
unless you're having angry sex,but that's like the whole other
(28:35):
thing.
That's a different conversation.
Most of us are not doing thatright.
Most of us are feelingdisconnected, and these are some
of the things that wouldaddress that, and so our job is
to create a safety so that wecan take things to the next
level.
We can remove all this stuffthat gets in the way and then we
could feel freely and be ableto show up that way.
(28:55):
So, address the resentment,address whatever's annoying.
You address putting things inplace so you could build that
connection, deepen thatconnection so you feel more
aligned.
So whatever's getting in theway again with something there,
to remove it, to address it, soyou create the flow again, you
see, and you can get yourselfthere.
(29:17):
The other one is the golden ruleof sexuality, and I think I
learned this in graduate schoola long time ago.
Somebody threw this out thereas the thing, and I made it a
rule that I teach clients now,and that is sex one time a week.
Now don't shoot the messenger.
Let me explain what this means.
You might have a fewresistances around that.
(29:38):
Number one you might say that'stoo little.
Number two you might say that'snot romantic or sexy to
schedule it, fine.
So this is what I say to you.
Number one if you're not havingany sex and you schedule and you
have it, we're ahead of thegame.
That doesn't mean that youcan't have more sex.
You can have all the sex youwant.
You can be as spontaneous asyou want.
So I'm not saying that youschedule it once and you're done
(29:59):
.
I'm saying schedule it so youhave at least one, okay.
And two, it might not be sexy,but at least you're having some.
And then you make sure youcover your bases.
You could have all the other,sexy as much as you want, as
passionate as you want, aswhatever.
It might not schedule, mightnot feel passionate or
(30:19):
romantical or sexy or whatever,but it's what you do with it.
At least you create a space forit.
How you show up to it's up toyou.
It doesn't mean that becausethe schedule is going to be
boring.
Sex, right so?
So those two things don't go,don't go together.
You can have all the romanticaland spontaneous sex that you
want outside of that, or ratherthan, and as much as you want
outside of that.
So a schedule doesn't meananything, it just means that at
(30:42):
least you get it and you canhave a lot more than that one
time.
Okay, so have fun.
And then, number three date yourpartner.
Now, so a few things here thatcome up.
Date your partner doesn't meana little bit of time together in
the same room or doing a littlesomething and you call it a day
(31:03):
and that's a date.
If that's what you're doing andthat's all you can manage,
because life is nuts, it'sbetter than nothing.
So at least you have the coupleof times some time together,
and at least you're getting outtogether and you're doing
something, fine, that's fine.
I'm not saying anything aboutthat.
If that's all you can manage,that's perfect.
(31:28):
But please, I implore you, stepit up a notch if you can.
And that means that when youshow up to this date, it's going
to be not a doing date, notjust showing up to the date as
your usual selves, it's going tobe that you show up to the
state with your core energy, notwith the rules, not with all
the to-do's, not with talkingabout the children or catching
up on the gossip.
(31:48):
Right, you're going to use thistime to have more meaningful
interactions, deeper connections.
Talk about the relationship,not necessarily what's wrong
with it and fixing things, butlike checking in with each other
and being with each other,talking about dreams, desires,
future alignment, values, thingsthat are touching your heart.
(32:12):
Just showing up with adifferent side of you, with the
part of you that doesn't get toshow up throughout the day
because you're in the doing morethan taking care of business
life mode.
You're going to show up as ifyou were on a date, as if you
just met this person.
Right, you don't show up todates when you start dating with
(32:35):
all of the noise of lifeusually.
Usually, if you do that, you'reprobably not doing very well
dating.
Just a little side note there,right?
But so you're going to treatgoing out with your partner date
night like, really like a date.
You're going to show up in datewith date energy, in date mode.
So take yourself out, bringthat yummy, sexy energy.
(32:56):
Show up with your essence.
Take a little care, show upwith the wooing, show up with
the feminine energy, show upwith all the things, so that the
spark has a chance to spark andreignite and rekindle and have
the good conversations.
How often do you get to havethese?
How often do you get to havethis time together like this,
right?
(33:16):
So milk it.
That's one aspect of it.
The other aspect of it is toinvest in having fun, good dates
, not just showing up somewhereand having this conversation, so
this bringing this energy,which is good enough in and of
itself, but the more that youinvest into this, the more you
get out of it right.
You have experiences, you canhave adventure, you have fun.
You could just tap into allkinds of other things and bring
(33:37):
all that good, yummy energy.
For on that, we have a date,your partner protocol that you
could download.
It's one page that walks youthrough the whole process of how
to date your partner properly,so you get all the good, yummy
stuff that I'm talking about.
We're going to put a link forthat in the description so that
you could download it and gethooked up with this.
(33:59):
Okay, my loves, those are thethree hacks Connecting better
sex one time a week at least anddate your partner properly, all
right.
So thank you so much for beinghere.
I would love to know what ofthis resonated the most, what
you're going to do next.
Take an action, make it real,go for it, have all the fun and
(34:21):
hopefully you could crack thecode on having more love it all
and having more desire in yourrelationship and really enjoying
the sex life that you desireand that you want to have with
your partner.
Thank you so much for watching.
I will see you at the next one.
Bye.
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