May 28, 2025 • 46 mins
In today’s episode, Emma shares her proven framework for helping couples get ready to get married, and stay happily married. She gives a thorough overview of 8 premarital topics and practical take aways for couples considering a long-term commitment with each other.
These are topics that should be explored to ensure partners are compatible, get on the same page, and align for getting started on a successful relationship path.
This is a must listen for couples considering moving in together, getting engaged, planning a wedding, recently married, and even for couples who feel a bit of friction in their relationship and are not sure how to sync up. The topics apply to young and even mature partners.
A must listen if you want lasting love!
Hope you enjoy it!
*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, info about the guest, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
We're covering premaritaltopics.
The reason for this idea isthat couples usually, when they
make a higher level ofcommitment whether they start
thinking about a long-termrelationship like life
(00:20):
commitment, moving in together,getting engaged and getting
married they start bumpingaround how to do life together
life commitment, moving intogether, getting engaged and
getting married.
They start bumping around howto do life together and what it
means to have a joint life atthe end of the day.
And so this particular topicthat I'm going to share with you
today will help couples atthose stages of life cover these
topics so that when they startmaking this higher level of
(00:41):
commitment, they can get on thesame page more easily, they can
make sure that they'recompatible along these things.
As the relationship progressesand as they're making that
commitment, they could fine tunetheir expectations and their
desires and their needs andtheir wishes and what they want
more specifically, so they couldco-create the relationship and
(01:05):
the life that they wantedtogether.
So this program came about fromworking with so many couples
around getting ready to getmarried and bumping around these
topics.
So I came up with eightspecific topics that I'm going
to share with you today and inthis topic we're going to share
with you today and in this topicwe're going to go through, what
(01:28):
are the things that you shouldbe considering, what are the
things that you should betalking about, Make sure that
you're on the same page about,and if you're not, what are the
things to consider to get on thesame page right?
So, like, what do you need todo to actually move forward from
(01:52):
a similar vision and desire sothat you don't hit roadblocks
later and make life moredifficult?
Just so that you know, thefirst year of moving in together
or being married.
Sometimes it's the same thingSome people get married moving
together.
Some people move in togetherfirst and then they get married,
and some people have beenliving together and then they
get married moving together.
Some people moving togetherfirst and then they get married,
and some people have beenliving together and then they
(02:12):
get married.
Regardless of all thosecombinations, that transition,
or any of those transitions,imply challenges.
The hardest one is gettingmarried, moving in together at
the same time.
That's just like very shocking,but just know that, regardless
of all the combinations, youwill still hit these bumps and
people who move in togetherfirst and then get married,
think that they're ahead of thegame.
You might be, because you'vealready covered some of these
(02:35):
things, but the problem withthat is that you establish these
things from not having alifetime commitment with each
other and now you have to undoand reset things.
It could be more challenging atthe end of the day, because
you're setting your ways and nowyou have to redo things,
potentially depending on whatyou did.
So there's no right or wrong way.
It's just a matter of knowingokay, what are our choices, what
(02:57):
are we choosing to do, what'sour preference, and just know
that with your choices comethings with them.
And then how do you have yourown backs right?
So how do you set yourself upproperly, regardless of what
choices you're making?
So I'm going to cover thetopics as things that you're
supposed to know and get on thesame page about as you're going.
(03:23):
And if you've alreadyestablished these things because
you already live together andthey might not be working for
you or you might experiencelater that they get upside down
a little bit, the wish here isthat you don't have that
actually.
So let me say that differently.
The wish is that if you livetogether and these things are
not working and you'reconsidering a higher level of
(03:46):
commitment, that you addressthat, or they might be working,
but it's still worth aconversation because you might
have a different idea of whathappens when you do get married.
You see, that's what getspeople Okay.
So, in a nutshell, this eighttopics survey regardless of how
you're doing things, whatchoices you make and which
things you do first, overall youshould still have conversations
(04:07):
around these templates and geton the same page about them.
How are things now and how youwant them to be once you're
married, or have the higherlevel of full life commitment
kind of thing?
So that, even if you're okaynow, you want to make sure that,
hmm, it's how we're doingthings now, but we want to still
keep doing.
You see, because you might beworking now, because you set up
(04:30):
things this particular way,because you're just living
together, but then you'remarried, and then what right,
you might have different ideasof what to expect around these
things once you're married.
And so, even if they're workingand still have the conversation
, explore them and startresetting things or know that
once you get married, you'regoing to be doing something
different and you can startpreparing for it.
(04:50):
Okay, so I'm going to startgoing through the topics and as
I go, I'm going to give you asmuch practical things as
possible insights, mindsetshifts, what usually trips
people up just as many things asI could think of to offer you.
So this really hooks you up.
And just know that if you'restruggling making a decision for
a higher level of commitment,if one of you is dragging your
(05:12):
feet, or if you know you want tobe together but you're
struggling and creating doubts,or you're going through the
motions and you're struggling,you're like, oh my gosh, it
shouldn't be this difficult.
Maybe we shouldn't do this Likeany, any thoughts along those
lines that's creating doubt orthat's making you struggle a
little bit.
Please don't struggle alone.
(05:34):
We're here to support you.
If you need support, we willhelp you go through the topics.
We will do the relationshipdynamics things.
We will do all the things thatyou need to make sure that you
set yourselves up for a smoothstart to your life together.
And if you haven't decided thatthat's what you want together
yet, to help you decide if thisis what you want or not, all
(05:54):
right, just to let you knowwe're here for you if you need
that, okay.
So the first one, the topic oneis boundaries and peace of mind.
So this one has to do withcultivating appropriate
boundaries expectations foryourselves, with your own self,
with each other and with otherpeople.
(06:14):
So this is highly importantbecause a lot of times we have
very flimsy boundaries and wecreate messes.
So, for example, we might nothave good boundaries with
ourselves, meaning that we'renot accountable for our actions,
our behaviors, our routines,our lifestyle, the choices that
we make, how we run our life.
And I'm pausing for a secondbecause you'll see that this
(06:39):
actually shows up in all of theother topics.
That's why I started with thisone.
So, as I was saying that, I'mthinking yeah, that might show
up in how you do your finances.
That might show up in how youtake care of yourself.
That might show up how you dochores.
That might show up with ifyou're able to hold a job, or
what kind of job you have.
It shows up in your friendships.
It shows up everywhere, right?
So that's why this is topicnumber one.
(06:59):
So what you want to do is, firstof all, start with yourself.
Do I honor my boundaries?
What even are my boundaries?
What are things that I want,don't want, things that I put up
with, that I shouldn't, that Idon't think I should or that I
don't want to, and I still do.
What are my expectations ofpeople and the way that I want
(07:21):
to carry myself and show up forpeople, right?
So like that kind of stuff.
So explore that for yourselfand you might want to take some
notes, right?
So these are some things likeoh, this is how I'm setting
myself down, this is how I'm nothonoring my own boundaries with
my own self and the way I do mylife, the way I show up to my
life every day.
So start making some notes.
(07:41):
You know what is not workingfor you in the way that you do
you and just start having thatawareness of are you doing
things right by you or where youmight be falling short.
And for now, we're just havingawareness, okay.
So that's number one.
Number two do the same thingwith your partner or for your
(08:04):
partner.
What are my expectations of aboyfriend, girlfriend, partner
and then keep going down theline.
What are my expectations for ahigher level of commitment with
a partner Spouse, husband, wife,marriage, long-term
relationship, right?
So then flesh all that stuffout and then what are my
(08:30):
expectations with the externalworld, like how do I want to be
treated, how do I treat others,how much time do I give other
things?
And that's going to also showup in other topics as we go.
So that's why we're doing thisfirst, and so just check that
out for yourself, explore it allout, write it out, type it out
Whatever devices you use foryour journaling or taking notes
(08:52):
or personal development and justkind of think on that.
What are my expectations of allof those things, of myself, of
others, how I want to show upfor others, and then see where
there is a discrepancy.
So once you have that awareness, then you start taking some
(09:13):
action.
So for this one, it would bemake the list of all the things
that feel that they're not rightfor you right now or not
working for you now.
All right, so first you'regoing to take notes, then you're
going to highlight or notesomehow what's not working, and
(09:33):
then you're going to go througheach one of those and say what
would?
I want it to be right?
So maybe you could do twocolumns.
However you want to do this,there's no formal way of doing
this for this particularconversation.
So then capture for yourselfwas not working, and then how
(09:53):
would I want it to be?
So then you look at that finalprocess, what you created, and
you say, okay, let me pick twothat I'm going to address
immediately.
So if I say I'm going to go tothe gym five times a week and I
only go once a week, I'm notkeeping a promise to myself.
You see, that's, that's a,that's an accountability item
(10:17):
that you're and I think thatyou're not honoring with
yourself.
You're breaking a boundary withyourself, a commitment to
yourself, and I'm using the wordboundary loosely here for a
reason, because it has to doaround expectations.
So I'm including in theiraccountability expectations
things that we want honoringourselves, being responsible for
(10:40):
ourselves, conscientious.
I'm just kind of glumping allthat stuff together.
There's a lot of stuff here,right?
So I'm just boiling it down toeight topics so it's easier to
present to you.
So start somewhere, pick thethings that are not working and
do something about two of them,and then you keep coming back to
these things.
Okay, so we don't want to makeit overwhelming.
(11:00):
I usually say things like thisright, so we want to keep it
simple, and you could alwaysrecycle the material again and
again and again until you covereverything that you captured or
until there's something else,new material, so, but you don't
have to do everything at once,so it's not like oh my goodness,
okay.
So you're going to picksomething, that's, if you move
this one thing, it's going topull a big lever, make a big
(11:22):
impact.
Perfect, do two of those andyou're on your way.
So set two boundaries, or resetaccountability around something
, or clarify an expectation,something to that effect.
All right, okay.
So that say accountabilityaround something, or clarify an
expectation, something to thateffect.
All right, okay.
So that's topic number one.
Topic number two has to do withcreating and managing a life
(11:43):
together, a shared life.
So, with this, what we want todo is do we have a divide and
conquer approach to how we dolife?
Do we have a divide and conquerapproach to how we do life?
Now, if you're living togetheror if you're considering moving
in together, then you kind of dowhat would that look like for
(12:07):
you, right?
And also, what would it looklike once we were married?
Because sometimes we're justmoving together, we're not
really thinking about marriage,and so fine, you establish
something.
But then later, once you'rethinking about marriage, you
might have to revisit, like Isaid before.
So, whatever stage you're at,you apply it to whatever level
applies to you.
So how do we want to do choresand responsibilities of this
(12:31):
life that we're sharing?
And so then you think about OK,so who does all of the
different chores and who'sresponsible for all of the
different things that make upour shared life?
And, depending again on thelevel of commitment that you
have, you might not have a lotof stuff shared, right?
So then you might want torevisit that, depending on if
(12:52):
you're progressing into a higherlevel of commitment.
So what becomes more shared andhow do we manage it?
And that's going to come moreinto place as we talk about
finances and some other things.
But for now it's just choresand taking care of business, of
things, and just making lifehappen Planning vacations,
paying for the vacations, doingthe laundry, doing the dishes,
(13:15):
just whatever.
All the things in life that youboth do together or that
impacts your shared space, orthings that have to do with the
relationship.
And, again, if the marriage isthe conversation, then you step
it up like this is going to befor life, and of course you
could always tweak it and changeit and update it and polish it
and all the things that have tobe written in stone.
(13:36):
But you want to have someclarity going in, right, and
this also applies to you guys.
I have.
I should have said this fromthe beginning to if you're
recently married, right, sodon't feel bad that.
If, if you just got married,that you haven't done this yet,
it's okay, it's never too late,and even if you're three years
in, it never hurts to reviewthese things.
(14:01):
Maybe you never did this right,so this is this premarital, so.
So we help people start theirmarriage right and stay married.
If that's the goal, obviously,um, but it applies at all levels
of relationship at any time.
If you haven't done this workyet, okay.
So what are all theresponsibilities, what are all
the chores, what are all thethings and who's responsible for
what?
So have a divide and conquerapproach.
So you might want to say, okay,this is mine, this is mine,
(14:23):
this is shared.
And how do we split the shared?
That's one way to look at thebulk of the things.
And then, when you make thosedecisions or those assignments,
decide okay, what is theexpectation for these things?
How often does this thing getdone?
When, to what degree Will youconsider cleaning?
(14:46):
I might not consider cleaning.
So let's clarify some of that.
Right, a clean bathroom mightinclude all these things, not
just these things.
Like.
I've heard all kinds of stories.
I hear all these things, notjust these things like.
I've heard all kinds of stories, I hear all kinds of stories
about these things from people.
Right, clean kitchen, I meanvery different, something very
different to one partner than tothe other.
Folding, doing laundry.
What is the this?
(15:07):
This might sound like simplethings, right, like, okay, I'm
doing the laundry.
What does that actually mean?
Does it mean grabbing all ofthe things that need to be
washed, washing all of it andthen taking it all out, make
sure that all of it is dry, makesure all of it is folded and
all of it is put away frombeginning to end?
Or does it mean only parts ofthat?
Right, so people have differentdefinitions of these things and
(15:29):
so get on the same page aboutthat.
What are the expectations, therotation, the cadence for the
things?
So that you're on the same page?
Because these are the thingsthat create friction, right?
So relationships don't breakdown over big things.
They break down over like these, repeating things like this,
like people get on each other'snerves and they just fight over
seemingly little things.
Side note, there's other thingsdriving those fights but they
(15:53):
manifest in things like this andif you get out of the way, if
you get these out of the wayearly on, then you could address
deeper patterns if there areany sooner than later and you
don't create all these messesthat people create.
So just side note of whatusually happens with couples and
I don't want to scare you whenI say all that there's always
dynamics.
We could always address them.
(16:14):
But then combine dynamics thatget created in a relationship
and how they play out with messythings not addressed.
Like this.
It's a lot right.
But so if you're on the samepage about this, your dynamics
might show up not as tricky orprickly, and it's easier to do
that work than if everything'skind of like up in the air.
Just a little FYI.
(16:37):
The other thing with that is toclarify lifestyle and routines.
What do we want the days tolook like?
What do we want the weeks tolook like?
What do we want the months tolook like?
What do we want the years tolook like?
How many vacations do we have?
So, just like what's thecadence of life?
What does life look like?
What are the habits?
What are the habits, what arethe routines, what are the
(16:58):
cadences?
So you have an idea what therhythm of life together looks
like and again, if you establishsome of it, revisit it.
Do we like it?
Do we need to tweak it?
And once we are married, dothese things still apply?
Do we need to update anythingor upgrade anything?
Okay, perfect, so that apply.
Do we need to update anythingor upgrade anything?
Okay, perfect, so that's numbertwo.
Number three is securing yourfuture.
(17:18):
Now, this one has to do withmanaging your finances and
planning for the future, likethe whole life.
That's not true.
That's not easy to do, it's atricky thing, and so, depending
on what age you are comingtogether and doing this, you
might have some things moreestablished than if you're
(17:39):
younger.
So just know that thispremarital program is not just
for the very young couples.
This is actually for allcouples who are planning higher
level of commitments.
All of this still applies andgenerally, when I create this or
talk about this, I should sayit applies to not very, very
(18:01):
young couples per se.
It still does, but I createdthis with some things that
people already have in place.
People have careers.
As I get down the line, peopleare ready to have children,
people of age to have children,or whatever.
So there's some assumptionsbehind the topics.
Right?
(18:22):
So let's say from 25 to 45,right?
So that's the ballpark, that'swhen people are the way I'm
saying that things apply themost.
But if you're older, it stillapplies to you because you still
have to create that jointness.
And if you're younger, youmight want to put some of these
other things in place to helpyou get further ahead in life.
(18:42):
You might not have all thethings established yet.
So then the conversation iseven more important how do we
establish a career?
How do we establish thefinancial security Right, or
having jobs, or being employableor whatever?
So if you're younger, so justtailor it for yourself, knowing
that that's a bias behind or anassumption behind the content.
(19:04):
So you could extrapolate orstretch it to apply depending on
what age group you're in.
But just know that, regardlessof your personal age, a
relationship still goes throughthe same stages, regardless of
your age, and all these thingsare still important.
If you're older and you'vealready had marriages or you
already had children or whatever, then you need to include some
(19:28):
of that into these topics andthey'll play out as we go here.
But just keep that in mind thatyou might need to consider your
own stage of life and your owntopics, how they influence these
topics.
Okay, so you tailor it to yourcircumstances.
Okay, so let's see.
(19:48):
What does it want to say aboutfinances?
So things to consider have todo with what you each bring into
the relationship, how you eachwant to contribute to it
financially, how you manage ittogether.
Do you manage the jointexpenses, and what plan for the
(20:09):
future do you have?
So I'm giving you high levelstuff here, okay, and so those
are starter conversations tohave somewhat of an idea of
what's happening.
And then, of course, you coulddeepen into that and make better
, more detailed plans and morespecific approach to managing
the finances, like who pays thebills, how do we pay the bills,
where do we put the money, howdo we use it, how do we access
(20:30):
it, like that kind of stuff.
So, again, the higher level ofcommitment, the more specifics
that you're going to get on thisand the more joint stuff that
you're going to do.
So they're having conversationsaround that, okay.
Topic number four is creating asatisfying intimate life, and so
that has to do with howcompatible are you sexually,
(20:53):
what's the attraction level andI say these things very
cautiously because it could allbe worked on, unless you're
totally disgusted by somebody,which then in that case I don't
think you would be dating orliving together, right?
So that's the new point out,and therefore the assumption is
that you want to have satisfyingsex life together and that
(21:15):
you're interested in havingintimate intimacy together and
that you like each other enoughto do that and that you're
attracted enough to do that andthat all the parts work enough.
So we make very basicassumptions here.
If you don't meet those minimumrequirements, it does a
separate conversation, and wecould talk about that separately
if you need to, obviouslyyourselves or with us if you
(21:36):
want to.
But cover your basics and thenthe conversations are around.
Well, what do we want our sexlife to be like?
What do we want our physicalintimacy to look like?
What do we want our emotionalintimacy to look like?
What does that mean, right?
So how often do we want to havesex?
What kind of sex do we want tohave?
How often do we want to havedate night?
(21:57):
How often do.
We want to have couple of time,but we don't want to lifestyles
like cadence, ideally routinesto look like.
So we feel we feel connected,so we create connections,
sustain connection, deepenconnection, right?
So I took all these things indifferent programs and different
content.
If you're interested, check outall of our materials on this our
blog, our YouTube channel,podcast, all the other episodes.
(22:17):
So I'm going to try to link asmuch stuff as possible in the
description, show notes so youcould access um different things
.
That's already out there forsome of these topics.
And then, of course, you couldalways work with us to deepen
and for support to actuallyaddress things.
If there are any, any bumps inthe road and just off the top of
(22:39):
my head for that one, you couldgo back to the podcast that I
did in this recently on sexualintimacy and passion, and
there's a few of them, so justgo back to.
I forget the exact name of themand the number of them, I
apologize, but so I'm going tolink them.
And then they talk aboutmasculine and feminine energy.
(23:04):
They talk about differentstyles of sexual preferences.
Right, who has a spontaneousstyle?
Who has more of a responsive,responsive style?
Right.
So who needs more stimulation,who is like ready to go, and in
how to work with the style sothat you become more and more
compatible if you feel you'renot compatible.
(23:24):
You see, that's the tricky partum, some people get hung up on
like, oh, we're not compatible,we're not compatible, people are
not compatible in a lot ofthings.
You could create all that stuff, okay.
So don't get hung up, hung upon that.
If you, if you have enoughsomething to be together, we
could pretty much work onanything, okay, and then?
So that was topic number four.
(23:45):
Topic number five is starting afamily, and so I don't know if
you can tell the progression ofthe topics here, right?
So we start with boundaries andjust making sure that we're
respecting each other's spaceand that we're being accountable
for things and showing upproperly.
Then how do we do life together, space, and then we're being
accountable for things andshowing up properly.
Then how do we do life together?
Then, how do we finance it?
Then, how intimate are we?
(24:05):
How close are we in?
And now we're moving to familyas the intimacy progresses, this
potentially, then we reproducealso, and you might say why you
have finances there beforeconnection, and the reason for
that is because we just didn't.
We're kind of setting thestructure and the safety for
that is because we just sit in.
We kind of sit in the structureand the safety for things.
So then we go deeper, deeper,deeper into all the things that
(24:28):
are more meaningful.
So we set up the structure, theframeworks for the things to
work and then we fill them withthe good stuff.
So it doesn't mean that they'remore of a priority than these
ones.
It's just how to make thingsflow and work easier in your
life.
Okay, and so for having children, it's a matter of okay, what
(24:49):
are your ages?
Are you ready to have children?
Have you had children yet?
Are you healthy?
How long have you been together?
People make the decision tochildren in all kinds of
different ways.
There's no right or wrong way,and there's also there's never a
right time.
So let's not get hung up onthat.
(25:09):
But just what is it feelinglike for you?
So, having that conversation oflike okay, where are you at
with this?
Where am I at with this?
What do you want, what do Iwant?
And just kind of massage it andmassage and massage it until
you find the place that worksand that you could start making
decisions from that place andpull the trigger, if you may,
and please don't get hung up onlike, okay, they only want this
(25:32):
many children, I want this manychildren, or they're not ready
yet and I am ready.
Like, these are deal breakers.
None of these stuff are dealbreakers, okay.
Like these are deal breakers,none of these stuffs are deal
breakers, okay.
The only thing that might be areal breaker here is that if one
person knows for sure theydon't want to have children and
the other one says like, oh,they might change their mind.
I've seen people get hung up onthat and create problems.
(25:53):
That is a very tough thing.
Like, don't sit with theexpectation that people might
change their minds, okay, thatis, you're just setting yourself
up.
So if they're telling you rightoff the bat I don't want
children, take that seriously,because people get messed up
with this.
Unless you're very, very young,right, and you don't know
yourself yet.
(26:14):
So you might get that inconsideration that people might
change their minds, because asthey evolve and grow up, they
might change their minds.
That does happen.
But if somebody is more maturelet's say late 20s, early 30s
and you say you don't wantchildren, I will listen to that,
especially if you're much olderand especially if you already
had children.
(26:34):
Please listen to that.
You're just doing yourself adisfavor.
Like this is one of the thingsthat really trips people up.
This is I wouldn't.
I would say that to take thatseriously.
Um, I don't believe in dealbreakers, but this one is really
really tough for people to finda common ground and get over,
just saying, okay, so what elsewould have any family that I
(26:55):
want to share?
You might want to talk aboutparenting styles what kind of,
what kind of pregnancies youwant to have.
Do you I mean, estimate thatyou're closer to getting
pregnant, right?
So?
So of course, theseconversations evolve as you go.
You start very basic and thenthey get deeper.
Do you want to have a doula anddo a birth home?
Do you want to go to thehospital?
Do you want to have a schedulec session, like where your
(27:17):
belief systems are around,around a lot of these things,
and you don't need to agree onthese things.
It's just to kind of know eachother what to expect.
The specifics of all thesethings can unfold as you go, the
initial conversations,especially if you're in the
earlier side of all of this.
It's just to kind of know eachother more, just kind of know
(27:39):
what to expect and to knowwhat's coming down the pike and
if you have judgments about acertain type of personality that
would want certain kinds ofthings, right.
So if you're like that's ahippie style or that's like too
out of touch with humanity style, and you have judgments and you
guess that for some reason,then those are things to work
(28:01):
through so that you accept eachother more.
You could find common grounds,you see.
So you don't have to do aprescription like everything's
written now and everything'sdone, but just have exploration.
This is all exploratoryconversations and you could
write things down and you couldhighlight things to deepen on
(28:23):
later.
Some some of those things mightbe actionable things, depending
on what topic we're working on.
Like with boundaries we had totake away for you to start
working on right now withnegotiating responsibilities.
Also, you might want to startkind of shifting
responsibilities and chores andstuff around, clarifying things
and shifting things around withfinances.
You might want to start makingsome things joint, depending on,
(28:44):
again, where you're at um, inyour financial life and in the
status of your relationship withintimacy.
Definitely, start implementingmore connection habits and
connection things and enrichingyour relationship with this one
we one.
If you're getting closer to oh,we might think of having
(29:06):
children sooner than later, youstart working on things that
make your bodies healthy, right?
So it's easy to get pregnant,or easier If you're older some
of us get pregnant very quickly.
And then, if we're much younger, and in that case you want to
be, use first control if you'renot ready to get pregnant.
So, again, right, you make this, you apply this to yourself.
(29:28):
Depending on where you're at,you might want to start some
research about parenting, aboutgetting pregnant, about
pregnancy.
What does that look like?
Parenting, right?
So, again, depends on where youare, you could create takeaways
and actionable things for youto do.
Again, don't go and do it allof the things.
Pick one or two for each topic,or actually, yes, do that.
(29:50):
And then at the end you'regoing to look at the eight
topics and you're going to say,okay, which topic do I need to
focus on first, or which ones,and you narrow it down even
further.
So then you're not going tohave 16 topics at the end, 16
takeaways you will in yourexercise, in your notes,
whatever, but to actually go,take action on, you're going to
(30:10):
narrow it down, so to one, twoor three, right?
So you only have a handful ofactionable things to do and that
you're going to keep working on, you see, so you create like a
little program for yourself, soit's not overwhelming, but
you're tackling all of thethings at the same time.
Okay, the next one is topicnumber six.
(30:32):
So this one is leisureactivities and fun.
You would think that this oneis the fun and easy one, and for
some reason, this trips peopleup.
People get hung up on it.
We have nothing in common.
We can't have any fun together.
We are totally opposite.
He likes this, she likes that,my partner likes the other thing
(30:53):
, and we just can't get on thesame page.
We nothing to do together, oh,my dear lord.
So if that's you, actually, letme backtrack.
That might not be you.
So then, kudos and you stillwant to have the conversations
around, what are the things thatwe like to do together?
What are the things I like todo by myself or with my friends
(31:13):
or with my people?
What are the things that we dotogether, do together?
What are the things I like todo by myself or with my friends
or with my people.
What are the things that we dotogether?
And let's map that out.
How do we include that in ourlife?
How do we do leisure time?
How do we do the fun?
What kind of lifestyle do wewant to have?
What kind of kid is this?
What kind of personal pursuits,what kind of?
Do we have an adventurous life?
Do we have a cozy life?
(31:33):
Do we have joint interests,projects, right?
So you explore these things andyou put things in place and
again, don't make itoverwhelming Explore, explore,
explore, take notes, highlight,narrow down and then you'll end
up with two things topotentially run with and at the
end we'll see if this cuts thelist of the things that you're
going to more immediately workon.
(31:59):
If you're already havingthoughts of holy moly, we're not
compatible at all, please don'tuse that as the reason not to
be together.
That is one of the silliestreasons, because there are all
ways of working around that.
So some of what I already saidyou could see if that resonates
(32:20):
and you could work with that.
If you create something fromthat, you could find the things
that you do have in common.
You don't have to haveeverything in common.
If you find, if you think not.
If you find, if you think thatyou have nothing in common, I
encourage you to try to createthings that are in common, right
, or you grab from both and youcreate something new kind of
thing.
That's one way.
The other way is to say, okay,out of all the things that you
(32:42):
like, out of all the things thatI like, what can we put in the
middle that we could each kindof still stretch to do with each
other, because it makes theother person happy, and just
doing the thing together makesme happy, even if I don't love
the thing.
That's the way to do this.
Okay, there are other thingstoo, but just for this
conversation.
So that's what I want you totake away.
(33:02):
Don't use this as a reason tolike oh my gosh, you see nothing
Like all these topics, we suckat all of it, like we don't work
.
It could be true.
I mean, I'm not going to tellyou to suck up a meeting or
relationship that's not workingfor you, but what I'm offering
is that most things are workableand most things just require
skills, conversation, curiosity,removing limited beliefs,
(33:25):
scripts, ideas and just allkinds of things that we could do
to get you on the same page andmake it work well.
Okay, just to let you know.
Okay.
And then the next one is topicnumber seven, and this one is
maintaining balance, and I usethat word ever so lightly,
because what the heck is balance?
It's no such thing, but it's acultural word that we use, and
(33:50):
so I'm using it here, and peopleuse life, work, balance and
just balance people's needs andthat kind of concept.
So, again, I'm using it justbecause it's common language.
But what we want to do here isjust making sure that we're
investing in all of the sides ina way that serves us, that we
(34:13):
both feel taken care of and thattheir relationship flows.
And so things to consider hereare things like dual careers.
How do we prioritize yourcareer demands, my career
demands?
How do we prioritize ourpersonal needs, a couple's needs
and then family needs?
How do we integrate civic orother commitments, extended
(34:36):
family, friends, right?
So how do we juggle everything?
Juggle is probably better wordthan balance, I don't know.
So a good insight about this isto say there is a time and a
place for everything.
So sometimes in life life wefocus more on some things.
(34:57):
That are other times and I saylife, but it could be seasons of
life too, like that kind ofconcept.
But it could also mean on aweekly basis, right, right, like
during the week I go hard atwork and then during the weekend
it's just all family, forexample, right.
(35:18):
Or like really like crazy, justfamily.
Or how do I find time to havepersonal time and then couple of
time if you don't have childrenyet?
And for all of these things it'snot the amount of time, it's
the quality time, and so findinga combination of things that
(35:41):
you feel that you're checkingall of the boxes properly and
when the timing is right.
So sometimes we're all in on acareer project or something is
happening and we kind of letsome of the things fall to the
wayside.
But then how do we still giveit enough quality so it sustains
?
It same thing with that health,let's say.
(36:03):
Right, a lot of people justneglect all kinds of things when
something's going on.
It's okay to focus on thingsand to give it a life.
Something's going on, but youcan't completely drop everything
else.
How, how do you still give itenough to keep everything else
well and you give it quality soit's nourished?
Hopefully that was clear enough.
(36:26):
Let's see.
I'm just trying to think howmuch I could give you in this
context, in this conversation,when you watch this or listen to
this.
If you have questions, feel freeto contact us through the
contact us on our website page.
If you have questions, ifyou're on social media watching
this, feel free to make acomment and ask questions.
(36:49):
If you get this through thenewsletter, feel free to reply
back to the email.
Like always feel free to checkin with us if something doesn't
make sense, if you want more and, of course, if you want deeper
support, we're here for you.
So don't just let somethingland and you're like, eh, right,
or I had no idea what she saidand I don't care.
Like, if you're interested andif you're curious and if you
(37:10):
need that piece, go grab it.
Right, so we're here for you,okay.
And then the last one is topiceight, and it's your higher
power and relationship vision.
So this is one of my favoritesbecause this is like your, like
(37:31):
your, like your lighthouse.
So you find your safe harbor,or your North star, if you may,
right, and you connect into yourhigher power, to your higher
self.
So I'm not making thisreligious very spiritual.
You translate it to whateveryour beliefs are.
But the more that we arealigned with God, the universe,
our higher self, our higherpower, and the more that we
(37:54):
align with a vision of how wewant things, the easier life
stays, because we filter allthat stuff through that and
we're always in alignment.
So hugely important I shouldprobably make this one one.
And so, from here, you want totouch base on.
What are your values, what areyour spiritual beliefs?
(38:15):
What are your religious beliefsor practices?
What is your vision for life?
What kind of life do you wantto have at the end of the day?
What do you want things to looklike?
What kind of life do you wantto live?
What kind of relationship doyou want to have?
What kind of partnership do youwant to create with each other?
What kind of masterpiece do youwant to create?
How do you create your radiantrelationship and so percolate
(38:37):
right?
There's no right or wrong way toany of this.
There is no.
This is what you should do.
There is no by this time, thisor that or the other, or right.
There's nothing like that.
This is your life, this is yourjoint life, this is your
(38:58):
masterpiece.
This is your, this is yourhuman experience.
You do what you want.
You create what you want.
Just be intentional about it.
That I do request that you do,please, because that's how you
create what you want and how youmake yourself happy at the end
of the day and have an amazinglife and relationship.
If you go banging around andyou're not intentional, you're
going to create carpola andyou're not going to feel very
well and you're not going toreally enjoy your life, and I
(39:18):
don't want that for you.
That I have a strong opinion on.
I want you to be happy.
That's what I'm here for.
I want you to have an amazingrelationship.
So just be intentional.
So have the conversations,explore, kick it around, massage
it, finesse it, play with it,and if it feels different from
(39:39):
each other, you're like oh boy,I don't know.
Just keep checking in, keepchecking in and keep exploring
and keep having theconversations and see if you
could massage it enough that youcould create the joint version,
the shared version.
Okay, okay, my love.
So those are the eight topics.
I will put them on the shownotes so that you have the list.
(39:59):
You have the timestamps there.
We'll also add resources fromall of the places that we have
so that you could deepen intothis, whether it's the blog, the
podcast, the YouTube channel,whatever.
So I'll put some stuff in herefor you and, of course, if you
want support, if you needsupport, please.
You know where we are.
The website isMetroRelationshipcom.
(40:21):
If you want to check it out foranything and just stay in touch
.
Let us know how this landed Ifyou have any questions, and I
would love to hear from you.
Thank you so much for watching,for listening, and I will see
you at the next one.
Bye.
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
We're covering premaritaltopics.
The reason for this idea isthat couples usually, when they
make a higher level ofcommitment whether they start
thinking about a long-termrelationship like life
(00:20):
commitment, moving in together,getting engaged and getting
married they start bumpingaround how to do life together
life commitment, moving intogether, getting engaged and
getting married.
They start bumping around howto do life together and what it
means to have a joint life atthe end of the day.
And so this particular topicthat I'm going to share with you
today will help couples atthose stages of life cover these
topics so that when they startmaking this higher level of
(00:41):
commitment, they can get on thesame page more easily, they can
make sure that they'recompatible along these things.
As the relationship progressesand as they're making that
commitment, they could fine tunetheir expectations and their
desires and their needs andtheir wishes and what they want
more specifically, so they couldco-create the relationship and
(01:05):
the life that they wantedtogether.
So this program came about fromworking with so many couples
around getting ready to getmarried and bumping around these
topics.
So I came up with eightspecific topics that I'm going
to share with you today and inthis topic we're going to share
with you today and in this topicwe're going to go through, what
(01:28):
are the things that you shouldbe considering, what are the
things that you should betalking about, Make sure that
you're on the same page about,and if you're not, what are the
things to consider to get on thesame page right?
So, like, what do you need todo to actually move forward from
(01:52):
a similar vision and desire sothat you don't hit roadblocks
later and make life moredifficult?
Just so that you know, thefirst year of moving in together
or being married.
Sometimes it's the same thingSome people get married moving
together.
Some people move in togetherfirst and then they get married,
and some people have beenliving together and then they
get married moving together.
Some people moving togetherfirst and then they get married,
and some people have beenliving together and then they
(02:12):
get married.
Regardless of all thosecombinations, that transition,
or any of those transitions,imply challenges.
The hardest one is gettingmarried, moving in together at
the same time.
That's just like very shocking,but just know that, regardless
of all the combinations, youwill still hit these bumps and
people who move in togetherfirst and then get married,
think that they're ahead of thegame.
You might be, because you'vealready covered some of these
(02:35):
things, but the problem withthat is that you establish these
things from not having alifetime commitment with each
other and now you have to undoand reset things.
It could be more challenging atthe end of the day, because
you're setting your ways and nowyou have to redo things,
potentially depending on whatyou did.
So there's no right or wrong way.
It's just a matter of knowingokay, what are our choices, what
(02:57):
are we choosing to do, what'sour preference, and just know
that with your choices comethings with them.
And then how do you have yourown backs right?
So how do you set yourself upproperly, regardless of what
choices you're making?
So I'm going to cover thetopics as things that you're
supposed to know and get on thesame page about as you're going.
(03:23):
And if you've alreadyestablished these things because
you already live together andthey might not be working for
you or you might experiencelater that they get upside down
a little bit, the wish here isthat you don't have that
actually.
So let me say that differently.
The wish is that if you livetogether and these things are
not working and you'reconsidering a higher level of
(03:46):
commitment, that you addressthat, or they might be working,
but it's still worth aconversation because you might
have a different idea of whathappens when you do get married.
You see, that's what getspeople Okay.
So, in a nutshell, this eighttopics survey regardless of how
you're doing things, whatchoices you make and which
things you do first, overall youshould still have conversations
(04:07):
around these templates and geton the same page about them.
How are things now and how youwant them to be once you're
married, or have the higherlevel of full life commitment
kind of thing?
So that, even if you're okaynow, you want to make sure that,
hmm, it's how we're doingthings now, but we want to still
keep doing.
You see, because you might beworking now, because you set up
(04:30):
things this particular way,because you're just living
together, but then you'remarried, and then what right,
you might have different ideasof what to expect around these
things once you're married.
And so, even if they're workingand still have the conversation
, explore them and startresetting things or know that
once you get married, you'regoing to be doing something
different and you can startpreparing for it.
(04:50):
Okay, so I'm going to startgoing through the topics and as
I go, I'm going to give you asmuch practical things as
possible insights, mindsetshifts, what usually trips
people up just as many things asI could think of to offer you.
So this really hooks you up.
And just know that if you'restruggling making a decision for
a higher level of commitment,if one of you is dragging your
(05:12):
feet, or if you know you want tobe together but you're
struggling and creating doubts,or you're going through the
motions and you're struggling,you're like, oh my gosh, it
shouldn't be this difficult.
Maybe we shouldn't do this Likeany, any thoughts along those
lines that's creating doubt orthat's making you struggle a
little bit.
Please don't struggle alone.
(05:34):
We're here to support you.
If you need support, we willhelp you go through the topics.
We will do the relationshipdynamics things.
We will do all the things thatyou need to make sure that you
set yourselves up for a smoothstart to your life together.
And if you haven't decided thatthat's what you want together
yet, to help you decide if thisis what you want or not, all
(05:54):
right, just to let you knowwe're here for you if you need
that, okay.
So the first one, the topic oneis boundaries and peace of mind.
So this one has to do withcultivating appropriate
boundaries expectations foryourselves, with your own self,
with each other and with otherpeople.
(06:14):
So this is highly importantbecause a lot of times we have
very flimsy boundaries and wecreate messes.
So, for example, we might nothave good boundaries with
ourselves, meaning that we'renot accountable for our actions,
our behaviors, our routines,our lifestyle, the choices that
we make, how we run our life.
And I'm pausing for a secondbecause you'll see that this
(06:39):
actually shows up in all of theother topics.
That's why I started with thisone.
So, as I was saying that, I'mthinking yeah, that might show
up in how you do your finances.
That might show up in how youtake care of yourself.
That might show up how you dochores.
That might show up with ifyou're able to hold a job, or
what kind of job you have.
It shows up in your friendships.
It shows up everywhere, right?
So that's why this is topicnumber one.
(06:59):
So what you want to do is, firstof all, start with yourself.
Do I honor my boundaries?
What even are my boundaries?
What are things that I want,don't want, things that I put up
with, that I shouldn't, that Idon't think I should or that I
don't want to, and I still do.
What are my expectations ofpeople and the way that I want
(07:21):
to carry myself and show up forpeople, right?
So like that kind of stuff.
So explore that for yourselfand you might want to take some
notes, right?
So these are some things likeoh, this is how I'm setting
myself down, this is how I'm nothonoring my own boundaries with
my own self and the way I do mylife, the way I show up to my
life every day.
So start making some notes.
(07:41):
You know what is not workingfor you in the way that you do
you and just start having thatawareness of are you doing
things right by you or where youmight be falling short.
And for now, we're just havingawareness, okay.
So that's number one.
Number two do the same thingwith your partner or for your
(08:04):
partner.
What are my expectations of aboyfriend, girlfriend, partner
and then keep going down theline.
What are my expectations for ahigher level of commitment with
a partner Spouse, husband, wife,marriage, long-term
relationship, right?
So then flesh all that stuffout and then what are my
(08:30):
expectations with the externalworld, like how do I want to be
treated, how do I treat others,how much time do I give other
things?
And that's going to also showup in other topics as we go.
So that's why we're doing thisfirst, and so just check that
out for yourself, explore it allout, write it out, type it out
Whatever devices you use foryour journaling or taking notes
(08:52):
or personal development and justkind of think on that.
What are my expectations of allof those things, of myself, of
others, how I want to show upfor others, and then see where
there is a discrepancy.
So once you have that awareness, then you start taking some
(09:13):
action.
So for this one, it would bemake the list of all the things
that feel that they're not rightfor you right now or not
working for you now.
All right, so first you'regoing to take notes, then you're
going to highlight or notesomehow what's not working, and
(09:33):
then you're going to go througheach one of those and say what
would?
I want it to be right?
So maybe you could do twocolumns.
However you want to do this,there's no formal way of doing
this for this particularconversation.
So then capture for yourselfwas not working, and then how
(09:53):
would I want it to be?
So then you look at that finalprocess, what you created, and
you say, okay, let me pick twothat I'm going to address
immediately.
So if I say I'm going to go tothe gym five times a week and I
only go once a week, I'm notkeeping a promise to myself.
You see, that's, that's a,that's an accountability item
(10:17):
that you're and I think thatyou're not honoring with
yourself.
You're breaking a boundary withyourself, a commitment to
yourself, and I'm using the wordboundary loosely here for a
reason, because it has to doaround expectations.
So I'm including in theiraccountability expectations
things that we want honoringourselves, being responsible for
(10:40):
ourselves, conscientious.
I'm just kind of glumping allthat stuff together.
There's a lot of stuff here,right?
So I'm just boiling it down toeight topics so it's easier to
present to you.
So start somewhere, pick thethings that are not working and
do something about two of them,and then you keep coming back to
these things.
Okay, so we don't want to makeit overwhelming.
(11:00):
I usually say things like thisright, so we want to keep it
simple, and you could alwaysrecycle the material again and
again and again until you covereverything that you captured or
until there's something else,new material, so, but you don't
have to do everything at once,so it's not like oh my goodness,
okay.
So you're going to picksomething, that's, if you move
this one thing, it's going topull a big lever, make a big
(11:22):
impact.
Perfect, do two of those andyou're on your way.
So set two boundaries, or resetaccountability around something
, or clarify an expectation,something to that effect.
All right, okay.
So that say accountabilityaround something, or clarify an
expectation, something to thateffect.
All right, okay.
So that's topic number one.
Topic number two has to do withcreating and managing a life
(11:43):
together, a shared life.
So, with this, what we want todo is do we have a divide and
conquer approach to how we dolife?
Do we have a divide and conquerapproach to how we do life?
Now, if you're living togetheror if you're considering moving
in together, then you kind of dowhat would that look like for
(12:07):
you, right?
And also, what would it looklike once we were married?
Because sometimes we're justmoving together, we're not
really thinking about marriage,and so fine, you establish
something.
But then later, once you'rethinking about marriage, you
might have to revisit, like Isaid before.
So, whatever stage you're at,you apply it to whatever level
applies to you.
So how do we want to do choresand responsibilities of this
(12:31):
life that we're sharing?
And so then you think about OK,so who does all of the
different chores and who'sresponsible for all of the
different things that make upour shared life?
And, depending again on thelevel of commitment that you
have, you might not have a lotof stuff shared, right?
So then you might want torevisit that, depending on if
(12:52):
you're progressing into a higherlevel of commitment.
So what becomes more shared andhow do we manage it?
And that's going to come moreinto place as we talk about
finances and some other things.
But for now it's just choresand taking care of business, of
things, and just making lifehappen Planning vacations,
paying for the vacations, doingthe laundry, doing the dishes,
(13:15):
just whatever.
All the things in life that youboth do together or that
impacts your shared space, orthings that have to do with the
relationship.
And, again, if the marriage isthe conversation, then you step
it up like this is going to befor life, and of course you
could always tweak it and changeit and update it and polish it
and all the things that have tobe written in stone.
(13:36):
But you want to have someclarity going in, right, and
this also applies to you guys.
I have.
I should have said this fromthe beginning to if you're
recently married, right, sodon't feel bad that.
If, if you just got married,that you haven't done this yet,
it's okay, it's never too late,and even if you're three years
in, it never hurts to reviewthese things.
(14:01):
Maybe you never did this right,so this is this premarital, so.
So we help people start theirmarriage right and stay married.
If that's the goal, obviously,um, but it applies at all levels
of relationship at any time.
If you haven't done this workyet, okay.
So what are all theresponsibilities, what are all
the chores, what are all thethings and who's responsible for
what?
So have a divide and conquerapproach.
So you might want to say, okay,this is mine, this is mine,
(14:23):
this is shared.
And how do we split the shared?
That's one way to look at thebulk of the things.
And then, when you make thosedecisions or those assignments,
decide okay, what is theexpectation for these things?
How often does this thing getdone?
When, to what degree Will youconsider cleaning?
(14:46):
I might not consider cleaning.
So let's clarify some of that.
Right, a clean bathroom mightinclude all these things, not
just these things.
Like.
I've heard all kinds of stories.
I hear all these things, notjust these things like.
I've heard all kinds of stories, I hear all kinds of stories
about these things from people.
Right, clean kitchen, I meanvery different, something very
different to one partner than tothe other.
Folding, doing laundry.
What is the this?
(15:07):
This might sound like simplethings, right, like, okay, I'm
doing the laundry.
What does that actually mean?
Does it mean grabbing all ofthe things that need to be
washed, washing all of it andthen taking it all out, make
sure that all of it is dry, makesure all of it is folded and
all of it is put away frombeginning to end?
Or does it mean only parts ofthat?
Right, so people have differentdefinitions of these things and
(15:29):
so get on the same page aboutthat.
What are the expectations, therotation, the cadence for the
things?
So that you're on the same page?
Because these are the thingsthat create friction, right?
So relationships don't breakdown over big things.
They break down over like these, repeating things like this,
like people get on each other'snerves and they just fight over
seemingly little things.
Side note, there's other thingsdriving those fights but they
(15:53):
manifest in things like this andif you get out of the way, if
you get these out of the wayearly on, then you could address
deeper patterns if there areany sooner than later and you
don't create all these messesthat people create.
So just side note of whatusually happens with couples and
I don't want to scare you whenI say all that there's always
dynamics.
We could always address them.
(16:14):
But then combine dynamics thatget created in a relationship
and how they play out with messythings not addressed.
Like this.
It's a lot right.
But so if you're on the samepage about this, your dynamics
might show up not as tricky orprickly, and it's easier to do
that work than if everything'skind of like up in the air.
Just a little FYI.
(16:37):
The other thing with that is toclarify lifestyle and routines.
What do we want the days tolook like?
What do we want the weeks tolook like?
What do we want the months tolook like?
What do we want the years tolook like?
How many vacations do we have?
So, just like what's thecadence of life?
What does life look like?
What are the habits?
What are the habits, what arethe routines, what are the
(16:58):
cadences?
So you have an idea what therhythm of life together looks
like and again, if you establishsome of it, revisit it.
Do we like it?
Do we need to tweak it?
And once we are married, dothese things still apply?
Do we need to update anythingor upgrade anything?
Okay, perfect, so that apply.
Do we need to update anythingor upgrade anything?
Okay, perfect, so that's numbertwo.
Number three is securing yourfuture.
(17:18):
Now, this one has to do withmanaging your finances and
planning for the future, likethe whole life.
That's not true.
That's not easy to do, it's atricky thing, and so, depending
on what age you are comingtogether and doing this, you
might have some things moreestablished than if you're
(17:39):
younger.
So just know that thispremarital program is not just
for the very young couples.
This is actually for allcouples who are planning higher
level of commitments.
All of this still applies andgenerally, when I create this or
talk about this, I should sayit applies to not very, very
(18:01):
young couples per se.
It still does, but I createdthis with some things that
people already have in place.
People have careers.
As I get down the line, peopleare ready to have children,
people of age to have children,or whatever.
So there's some assumptionsbehind the topics.
Right?
(18:22):
So let's say from 25 to 45,right?
So that's the ballpark, that'swhen people are the way I'm
saying that things apply themost.
But if you're older, it stillapplies to you because you still
have to create that jointness.
And if you're younger, youmight want to put some of these
other things in place to helpyou get further ahead in life.
(18:42):
You might not have all thethings established yet.
So then the conversation iseven more important how do we
establish a career?
How do we establish thefinancial security Right, or
having jobs, or being employableor whatever?
So if you're younger, so justtailor it for yourself, knowing
that that's a bias behind or anassumption behind the content.
(19:04):
So you could extrapolate orstretch it to apply depending on
what age group you're in.
But just know that, regardlessof your personal age, a
relationship still goes throughthe same stages, regardless of
your age, and all these thingsare still important.
If you're older and you'vealready had marriages or you
already had children or whatever, then you need to include some
(19:28):
of that into these topics andthey'll play out as we go here.
But just keep that in mind thatyou might need to consider your
own stage of life and your owntopics, how they influence these
topics.
Okay, so you tailor it to yourcircumstances.
Okay, so let's see.
(19:48):
What does it want to say aboutfinances?
So things to consider have todo with what you each bring into
the relationship, how you eachwant to contribute to it
financially, how you manage ittogether.
Do you manage the jointexpenses, and what plan for the
(20:09):
future do you have?
So I'm giving you high levelstuff here, okay, and so those
are starter conversations tohave somewhat of an idea of
what's happening.
And then, of course, you coulddeepen into that and make better
, more detailed plans and morespecific approach to managing
the finances, like who pays thebills, how do we pay the bills,
where do we put the money, howdo we use it, how do we access
(20:30):
it, like that kind of stuff.
So, again, the higher level ofcommitment, the more specifics
that you're going to get on thisand the more joint stuff that
you're going to do.
So they're having conversationsaround that, okay.
Topic number four is creating asatisfying intimate life, and so
that has to do with howcompatible are you sexually,
(20:53):
what's the attraction level andI say these things very
cautiously because it could allbe worked on, unless you're
totally disgusted by somebody,which then in that case I don't
think you would be dating orliving together, right?
So that's the new point out,and therefore the assumption is
that you want to have satisfyingsex life together and that
(21:15):
you're interested in havingintimate intimacy together and
that you like each other enoughto do that and that you're
attracted enough to do that andthat all the parts work enough.
So we make very basicassumptions here.
If you don't meet those minimumrequirements, it does a
separate conversation, and wecould talk about that separately
if you need to, obviouslyyourselves or with us if you
(21:36):
want to.
But cover your basics and thenthe conversations are around.
Well, what do we want our sexlife to be like?
What do we want our physicalintimacy to look like?
What do we want our emotionalintimacy to look like?
What does that mean, right?
So how often do we want to havesex?
What kind of sex do we want tohave?
How often do we want to havedate night?
(21:57):
How often do.
We want to have couple of time,but we don't want to lifestyles
like cadence, ideally routinesto look like.
So we feel we feel connected,so we create connections,
sustain connection, deepenconnection, right?
So I took all these things indifferent programs and different
content.
If you're interested, check outall of our materials on this our
blog, our YouTube channel,podcast, all the other episodes.
(22:17):
So I'm going to try to link asmuch stuff as possible in the
description, show notes so youcould access um different things
.
That's already out there forsome of these topics.
And then, of course, you couldalways work with us to deepen
and for support to actuallyaddress things.
If there are any, any bumps inthe road and just off the top of
(22:39):
my head for that one, you couldgo back to the podcast that I
did in this recently on sexualintimacy and passion, and
there's a few of them, so justgo back to.
I forget the exact name of themand the number of them, I
apologize, but so I'm going tolink them.
And then they talk aboutmasculine and feminine energy.
(23:04):
They talk about differentstyles of sexual preferences.
Right, who has a spontaneousstyle?
Who has more of a responsive,responsive style?
Right.
So who needs more stimulation,who is like ready to go, and in
how to work with the style sothat you become more and more
compatible if you feel you'renot compatible.
(23:24):
You see, that's the tricky partum, some people get hung up on
like, oh, we're not compatible,we're not compatible, people are
not compatible in a lot ofthings.
You could create all that stuff, okay.
So don't get hung up, hung upon that.
If you, if you have enoughsomething to be together, we
could pretty much work onanything, okay, and then?
So that was topic number four.
(23:45):
Topic number five is starting afamily, and so I don't know if
you can tell the progression ofthe topics here, right?
So we start with boundaries andjust making sure that we're
respecting each other's spaceand that we're being accountable
for things and showing upproperly.
Then how do we do life together, space, and then we're being
accountable for things andshowing up properly.
Then how do we do life together?
Then, how do we finance it?
Then, how intimate are we?
(24:05):
How close are we in?
And now we're moving to familyas the intimacy progresses, this
potentially, then we reproducealso, and you might say why you
have finances there beforeconnection, and the reason for
that is because we just didn't.
We're kind of setting thestructure and the safety for
that is because we just sit in.
We kind of sit in the structureand the safety for things.
So then we go deeper, deeper,deeper into all the things that
(24:28):
are more meaningful.
So we set up the structure, theframeworks for the things to
work and then we fill them withthe good stuff.
So it doesn't mean that they'remore of a priority than these
ones.
It's just how to make thingsflow and work easier in your
life.
Okay, and so for having children, it's a matter of okay, what
(24:49):
are your ages?
Are you ready to have children?
Have you had children yet?
Are you healthy?
How long have you been together?
People make the decision tochildren in all kinds of
different ways.
There's no right or wrong way,and there's also there's never a
right time.
So let's not get hung up onthat.
(25:09):
But just what is it feelinglike for you?
So, having that conversation oflike okay, where are you at
with this?
Where am I at with this?
What do you want, what do Iwant?
And just kind of massage it andmassage and massage it until
you find the place that worksand that you could start making
decisions from that place andpull the trigger, if you may,
and please don't get hung up onlike, okay, they only want this
(25:32):
many children, I want this manychildren, or they're not ready
yet and I am ready.
Like, these are deal breakers.
None of these stuff are dealbreakers, okay.
Like these are deal breakers,none of these stuffs are deal
breakers, okay.
The only thing that might be areal breaker here is that if one
person knows for sure theydon't want to have children and
the other one says like, oh,they might change their mind.
I've seen people get hung up onthat and create problems.
(25:53):
That is a very tough thing.
Like, don't sit with theexpectation that people might
change their minds, okay, thatis, you're just setting yourself
up.
So if they're telling you rightoff the bat I don't want
children, take that seriously,because people get messed up
with this.
Unless you're very, very young,right, and you don't know
yourself yet.
(26:14):
So you might get that inconsideration that people might
change their minds, because asthey evolve and grow up, they
might change their minds.
That does happen.
But if somebody is more maturelet's say late 20s, early 30s
and you say you don't wantchildren, I will listen to that,
especially if you're much olderand especially if you already
had children.
(26:34):
Please listen to that.
You're just doing yourself adisfavor.
Like this is one of the thingsthat really trips people up.
This is I wouldn't.
I would say that to take thatseriously.
Um, I don't believe in dealbreakers, but this one is really
really tough for people to finda common ground and get over,
just saying, okay, so what elsewould have any family that I
(26:55):
want to share?
You might want to talk aboutparenting styles what kind of,
what kind of pregnancies youwant to have.
Do you I mean, estimate thatyou're closer to getting
pregnant, right?
So?
So of course, theseconversations evolve as you go.
You start very basic and thenthey get deeper.
Do you want to have a doula anddo a birth home?
Do you want to go to thehospital?
Do you want to have a schedulec session, like where your
(27:17):
belief systems are around,around a lot of these things,
and you don't need to agree onthese things.
It's just to kind of know eachother what to expect.
The specifics of all thesethings can unfold as you go, the
initial conversations,especially if you're in the
earlier side of all of this.
It's just to kind of know eachother more, just kind of know
(27:39):
what to expect and to knowwhat's coming down the pike and
if you have judgments about acertain type of personality that
would want certain kinds ofthings, right.
So if you're like that's ahippie style or that's like too
out of touch with humanity style, and you have judgments and you
guess that for some reason,then those are things to work
(28:01):
through so that you accept eachother more.
You could find common grounds,you see.
So you don't have to do aprescription like everything's
written now and everything'sdone, but just have exploration.
This is all exploratoryconversations and you could
write things down and you couldhighlight things to deepen on
(28:23):
later.
Some some of those things mightbe actionable things, depending
on what topic we're working on.
Like with boundaries we had totake away for you to start
working on right now withnegotiating responsibilities.
Also, you might want to startkind of shifting
responsibilities and chores andstuff around, clarifying things
and shifting things around withfinances.
You might want to start makingsome things joint, depending on,
(28:44):
again, where you're at um, inyour financial life and in the
status of your relationship withintimacy.
Definitely, start implementingmore connection habits and
connection things and enrichingyour relationship with this one
we one.
If you're getting closer to oh,we might think of having
(29:06):
children sooner than later, youstart working on things that
make your bodies healthy, right?
So it's easy to get pregnant,or easier If you're older some
of us get pregnant very quickly.
And then, if we're much younger, and in that case you want to
be, use first control if you'renot ready to get pregnant.
So, again, right, you make this, you apply this to yourself.
(29:28):
Depending on where you're at,you might want to start some
research about parenting, aboutgetting pregnant, about
pregnancy.
What does that look like?
Parenting, right?
So, again, depends on where youare, you could create takeaways
and actionable things for youto do.
Again, don't go and do it allof the things.
Pick one or two for each topic,or actually, yes, do that.
(29:50):
And then at the end you'regoing to look at the eight
topics and you're going to say,okay, which topic do I need to
focus on first, or which ones,and you narrow it down even
further.
So then you're not going tohave 16 topics at the end, 16
takeaways you will in yourexercise, in your notes,
whatever, but to actually go,take action on, you're going to
(30:10):
narrow it down, so to one, twoor three, right?
So you only have a handful ofactionable things to do and that
you're going to keep working on, you see, so you create like a
little program for yourself, soit's not overwhelming, but
you're tackling all of thethings at the same time.
Okay, the next one is topicnumber six.
(30:32):
So this one is leisureactivities and fun.
You would think that this oneis the fun and easy one, and for
some reason, this trips peopleup.
People get hung up on it.
We have nothing in common.
We can't have any fun together.
We are totally opposite.
He likes this, she likes that,my partner likes the other thing
(30:53):
, and we just can't get on thesame page.
We nothing to do together, oh,my dear lord.
So if that's you, actually, letme backtrack.
That might not be you.
So then, kudos and you stillwant to have the conversations
around, what are the things thatwe like to do together?
What are the things I like todo by myself or with my friends
(31:13):
or with my people?
What are the things that we dotogether, do together?
What are the things I like todo by myself or with my friends
or with my people.
What are the things that we dotogether?
And let's map that out.
How do we include that in ourlife?
How do we do leisure time?
How do we do the fun?
What kind of lifestyle do wewant to have?
What kind of kid is this?
What kind of personal pursuits,what kind of?
Do we have an adventurous life?
Do we have a cozy life?
(31:33):
Do we have joint interests,projects, right?
So you explore these things andyou put things in place and
again, don't make itoverwhelming Explore, explore,
explore, take notes, highlight,narrow down and then you'll end
up with two things topotentially run with and at the
end we'll see if this cuts thelist of the things that you're
going to more immediately workon.
(31:59):
If you're already havingthoughts of holy moly, we're not
compatible at all, please don'tuse that as the reason not to
be together.
That is one of the silliestreasons, because there are all
ways of working around that.
So some of what I already saidyou could see if that resonates
(32:20):
and you could work with that.
If you create something fromthat, you could find the things
that you do have in common.
You don't have to haveeverything in common.
If you find, if you think not.
If you find, if you think thatyou have nothing in common, I
encourage you to try to createthings that are in common, right
, or you grab from both and youcreate something new kind of
thing.
That's one way.
The other way is to say, okay,out of all the things that you
(32:42):
like, out of all the things thatI like, what can we put in the
middle that we could each kindof still stretch to do with each
other, because it makes theother person happy, and just
doing the thing together makesme happy, even if I don't love
the thing.
That's the way to do this.
Okay, there are other thingstoo, but just for this
conversation.
So that's what I want you totake away.
(33:02):
Don't use this as a reason tolike oh my gosh, you see nothing
Like all these topics, we suckat all of it, like we don't work
.
It could be true.
I mean, I'm not going to tellyou to suck up a meeting or
relationship that's not workingfor you, but what I'm offering
is that most things are workableand most things just require
skills, conversation, curiosity,removing limited beliefs,
(33:25):
scripts, ideas and just allkinds of things that we could do
to get you on the same page andmake it work well.
Okay, just to let you know.
Okay.
And then the next one is topicnumber seven, and this one is
maintaining balance, and I usethat word ever so lightly,
because what the heck is balance?
It's no such thing, but it's acultural word that we use, and
(33:50):
so I'm using it here, and peopleuse life, work, balance and
just balance people's needs andthat kind of concept.
So, again, I'm using it justbecause it's common language.
But what we want to do here isjust making sure that we're
investing in all of the sides ina way that serves us, that we
(34:13):
both feel taken care of and thattheir relationship flows.
And so things to consider hereare things like dual careers.
How do we prioritize yourcareer demands, my career
demands?
How do we prioritize ourpersonal needs, a couple's needs
and then family needs?
How do we integrate civic orother commitments, extended
(34:36):
family, friends, right?
So how do we juggle everything?
Juggle is probably better wordthan balance, I don't know.
So a good insight about this isto say there is a time and a
place for everything.
So sometimes in life life wefocus more on some things.
(34:57):
That are other times and I saylife, but it could be seasons of
life too, like that kind ofconcept.
But it could also mean on aweekly basis, right, right, like
during the week I go hard atwork and then during the weekend
it's just all family, forexample, right.
(35:18):
Or like really like crazy, justfamily.
Or how do I find time to havepersonal time and then couple of
time if you don't have childrenyet?
And for all of these things it'snot the amount of time, it's
the quality time, and so findinga combination of things that
(35:41):
you feel that you're checkingall of the boxes properly and
when the timing is right.
So sometimes we're all in on acareer project or something is
happening and we kind of letsome of the things fall to the
wayside.
But then how do we still giveit enough quality so it sustains
?
It same thing with that health,let's say.
(36:03):
Right, a lot of people justneglect all kinds of things when
something's going on.
It's okay to focus on thingsand to give it a life.
Something's going on, but youcan't completely drop everything
else.
How, how do you still give itenough to keep everything else
well and you give it quality soit's nourished?
Hopefully that was clear enough.
(36:26):
Let's see.
I'm just trying to think howmuch I could give you in this
context, in this conversation,when you watch this or listen to
this.
If you have questions, feel freeto contact us through the
contact us on our website page.
If you have questions, ifyou're on social media watching
this, feel free to make acomment and ask questions.
(36:49):
If you get this through thenewsletter, feel free to reply
back to the email.
Like always feel free to checkin with us if something doesn't
make sense, if you want more and, of course, if you want deeper
support, we're here for you.
So don't just let somethingland and you're like, eh, right,
or I had no idea what she saidand I don't care.
Like, if you're interested andif you're curious and if you
(37:10):
need that piece, go grab it.
Right, so we're here for you,okay.
And then the last one is topiceight, and it's your higher
power and relationship vision.
So this is one of my favoritesbecause this is like your, like
(37:31):
your, like your lighthouse.
So you find your safe harbor,or your North star, if you may,
right, and you connect into yourhigher power, to your higher
self.
So I'm not making thisreligious very spiritual.
You translate it to whateveryour beliefs are.
But the more that we arealigned with God, the universe,
our higher self, our higherpower, and the more that we
(37:54):
align with a vision of how wewant things, the easier life
stays, because we filter allthat stuff through that and
we're always in alignment.
So hugely important I shouldprobably make this one one.
And so, from here, you want totouch base on.
What are your values, what areyour spiritual beliefs?
(38:15):
What are your religious beliefsor practices?
What is your vision for life?
What kind of life do you wantto have at the end of the day?
What do you want things to looklike?
What kind of life do you wantto live?
What kind of relationship doyou want to have?
What kind of partnership do youwant to create with each other?
What kind of masterpiece do youwant to create?
How do you create your radiantrelationship and so percolate
(38:37):
right?
There's no right or wrong way toany of this.
There is no.
This is what you should do.
There is no by this time, thisor that or the other, or right.
There's nothing like that.
This is your life, this is yourjoint life, this is your
(38:58):
masterpiece.
This is your, this is yourhuman experience.
You do what you want.
You create what you want.
Just be intentional about it.
That I do request that you do,please, because that's how you
create what you want and how youmake yourself happy at the end
of the day and have an amazinglife and relationship.
If you go banging around andyou're not intentional, you're
going to create carpola andyou're not going to feel very
well and you're not going toreally enjoy your life, and I
(39:18):
don't want that for you.
That I have a strong opinion on.
I want you to be happy.
That's what I'm here for.
I want you to have an amazingrelationship.
So just be intentional.
So have the conversations,explore, kick it around, massage
it, finesse it, play with it,and if it feels different from
(39:39):
each other, you're like oh boy,I don't know.
Just keep checking in, keepchecking in and keep exploring
and keep having theconversations and see if you
could massage it enough that youcould create the joint version,
the shared version.
Okay, okay, my love.
So those are the eight topics.
I will put them on the shownotes so that you have the list.
(39:59):
You have the timestamps there.
We'll also add resources fromall of the places that we have
so that you could deepen intothis, whether it's the blog, the
podcast, the YouTube channel,whatever.
So I'll put some stuff in herefor you and, of course, if you
want support, if you needsupport, please.
You know where we are.
The website isMetroRelationshipcom.
(40:21):
If you want to check it out foranything and just stay in touch
.
Let us know how this landed Ifyou have any questions, and I
would love to hear from you.
Thank you so much for watching,for listening, and I will see
you at the next one.
Bye.
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