July 30, 2025 • 52 mins
In today’s episode, Emma shares why now it’s a perfect time to do a relationship reset. Any time is fabulous but the summer vibes are particularly wonderful for this endeavor. She shares what struggling, ordinary and extraordinary relationships look like in 5 key areas of relationship. And, how to intentionally invest in your relationship to move from struggling or ordinary to Extraordinary. So you can experience the Epic Love you desire and long for.
She provides specific tools, skills and exercises to help you reset and transform your relationship.
A must listen for any couple looking to take their relationship to the next level.
Hope you enjoy it!
*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY CONNECTED:
Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | X | Pinterest | YouTube
DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
We are covering how to have arelationship reset during the
summer months.
This is the perfect time toinvest in your relationship
differently so that you couldtake it to the next level.
Usually, during the rest of theschool year or regular work
(00:21):
year, we get too busy to reallyfocus intentionally on how we
want our relationship to go andwe end up creating an average
relationship.
So in today's episode, I'mgoing to show you what average
looks like and then I'm going toshow you what you need to do to
reset during the summertime tocreate an extraordinary
(00:43):
relationship.
So we're going to take the loveto the next level.
Now I'm going to cover thistopic by showing you the five
areas of relationship that flowfrom our successful relationship
strategy.
There are five areas that Ihave identified as key areas in
relationship that, when weinvest in them, we create the
(01:05):
changes that we want and we takeour love to the next level.
So I'm going to teach you thefive areas.
I'm going to show you how, ineach area, an average
relationship might play out andwhat it will look like in that
particular area when therelationship is separating from
the next level of love and uplevels relationship, what that
(01:28):
looks like.
And then I'm going to show youhow to intentionally invest in
your relationship during thistime to shift from ordinary to
extraordinary.
Okay, without further ado, herewe go.
The first area is your mindset,the context, the perspective
that you bring to yourrelationship, how you choose to
(01:50):
look at your partner, at yourrelationship, at your
interactions, what beliefsystems you have, what
perspectives you have, whatlenses you use, what scripts,
what mental baggage you bring toyour relationship.
That's creating theinteractions and the
circumstances that you have withyour partner.
(02:11):
Now, in this particular area,what partners do is that they
have a tendency to not be fullyaccountable for themselves, to
not be fully accountable forthemselves.
They blame their partner forwhat's happening, they point
fingers, they don't ownthemselves, they accuse their
(02:34):
partner of things, they makeassumptions, they assign motives
, so they're a little what wecall dirty right.
So they don't show up with thebest way of looking at things,
with grace, with perspective,with higher understanding, with
a more compassionate approach.
We're two people having a humanexperience here.
(02:55):
Nobody's perfect.
So what the partners do whenthey're in the average or
ordinary relationship is thatthey're not fully accountable,
not fully owning themselves.
They are dismissing, passing onthe bucket, like I said.
(03:16):
I said emotives and like doingthese things so that their
partner is the reason whythey're not happy, why things
are not working.
If the partner only changed,then things would be better.
That's kind of like theperspective or approach here.
The way that this might show upis that when there's an argument
, let's say, the language isabout accusation.
(03:43):
It's about what the otherperson did or didn't do, where
they are coming from, why theyare doing things.
They go in the person's circle.
They assume they mind read.
They think about why theirpartner might be doing things.
So they are in their head.
They think about what theirpartner should be doing.
(04:04):
So they are owning theirpartner instead be doing things.
So they're in their head.
They think about what theirpartner should be doing.
So they're owning their partnerinstead of themselves.
They think about okay, theyshould be doing this, they
should be doing that, theyshould be thinking this, they
should be thinking that theyshould be feeling like this,
they should be feeling like that.
Right, so they are owning theother person.
They are leaving their circleand they're going inside the
other person's circle where alltheir stuff about themselves are
(04:25):
and they are dictating how theother person should be operating
.
So they're disempoweringthemselves and they're
disempowering their partner whenthey're doing that, because now
their circle is empty, theother person's circle is crowded
.
So that dirty way of operating,making those assumptions,
assigning those motives, beingin the other person's circles,
(04:46):
not being accountable foroneself but owning the other
person, all that kind of stuffit's a way of being disempowered
and creating friction with thepartner.
What happens also at this level,when we're more in the average
way of operating, is that wehave funky ways of looking at
(05:07):
roles and expectations inrelationships.
So, like I said earlier, thisparticular area has to do with
how we think and what beliefs webring into the relationship.
So we may look at things likeexpectations of our partner that
are sexist, if you may, or verytraditional there's nothing
(05:29):
wrong with traditional, as longas it's not subservient right or
disempowering of the otherperson and so what we want to do
here is be on the lookout forthose things.
Anything that's disempoweringfor either partner doesn't serve
right.
So what are the expectations?
What are the beliefs aroundmarriage, commitments, different
(05:51):
, the genders of the partners,money, power distribution,
taking care of things.
So what are the thoughts thatthe partners are bringing in
that you, you might not fullydrive with each other?
They're not really expresseduntil you're playing out things
(06:16):
that undercuts or underminesconnection and each other's
well-being and each other'sempowerment, and so,
unfortunately, that's how a lotof partners operate.
That's what an averagerelationship looks like.
All that stuff is unexamined andnot addressed and not explicit,
and they play a role in how theinteractions play out and how
(06:41):
things are set up in the homeand in the relationship, and it
doesn't really work.
This is where the partners getstuck in impasses and in
different ways of being in therelationship.
That doesn't allow theindividuals to grow, for the
relationship to evolve and fortheir needs to be met, and
there's a lot of fighting andnot getting along, not
(07:02):
progressing in life, all kindsof things, all kinds of ways
that this plays out.
Now, that's the average,ordinary way.
This is the most common waythat couples operate.
Of course, there's a wholespectrum to everything, and
everything that I said is notgoing to be 100% a couple right.
(07:22):
So some of those things mayapply, some of the things might
not apply, but that flavor ofthat is what plays out.
So what we want to do isup-level all of that.
Change the mindset, one, andthe ownership and accountability
two, and the boundaries three,so that both of us are empowered
(07:44):
.
What does that mean?
So, clearing up theexpectations and having
expectations that are realisticof a human being in the context
of life, right, not havingunrealistic expectations of how
the person is supposed to beable to do things, how much
they're supposed to do, howavailable they're supposed to be
(08:05):
, all these kinds of things.
So that's one, the expectations, and aligning with your beliefs
around roles, arounddefinitions of things commitment
, marriage, like I was sayingbefore, partnership spouses,
long-term commitment, like whatdo these things mean to each of
you?
And so you take them to thenext level.
(08:25):
What is the highest perspectivethat you could take on all of
those concepts?
The definition of marriage,what's the highest level of how
you could look at marriage, thepurpose of marriage, how to be
married, what marriage issupposed to do for a person and
(08:46):
for a couple, right, sometimeswe look at marriage as just the
practical of life and how tojust be in a long-term
commitment.
We miss the higher implicationof marriage, the higher purpose
for it, the higher union that isin the two people coming
together and the purpose for it.
(09:07):
So one of the things that weteach in our work is that that
partnership is a vehicle forevolving ourselves as human.
So talk about one of thehighest perspectives that we
could use marriage for the wayto look at marriage.
(09:28):
And so from that highestperspective, then everything
that our partner does is for us,even if it doesn't feel so good
, like, how do we take that?
What's the gift in that for us?
That's a much different way oflooking at our partnership, our
partner and our relationship inthe gift that it is.
(09:49):
So our partner is our lifepartner with a capital P.
Our relationship is aplayground for us to play and
practice getting better at beinghuman and playing on the game
of life.
Playing on the game of life,our marriage, the relationship,
the commitment is all for us.
In that container, in thatarrangement, in that vehicle is
(10:12):
the mechanism for us to get tohave everything exposed.
Play with process, addressed sothat we see all the parts of
ourselves, so that we integrateall the parts.
All the things get triggers,all things get triggered, all
the things get addressed, allthe things get healed.
You see, that's a much higherperspective and way of looking
at our relationship.
(10:33):
So that's one area in therelationship this is element one
we call it, where we addressthe average way, the dirty way,
and average doesn't necessarilymean bad, right, it could just
be, it could be working fine forpeople, but the message that
I'm offering is that it could bemuch better.
(10:53):
So it might not be the worstand you might not be filing for
divorce, but it's okay, right?
And I'm offering that you couldtake it to the next level and
really take things to epic loveto next level, love to like the
much higher perspective andgrander experience with your
relationship and your life.
That's what's on offer heretoday, and so with element one,
(11:17):
we will go from average andordinary to this higher
perspective and way of lookingat things and operating with
that other lens, so that we goto the next level.
Now some exercises that youcould do here to help with this
is explore some of theexpectations and meanings that
you have around concepts aboutrelationship, so long-term
(11:40):
commitment, marriage, spouserelationship, exclusivity,
genders, roles, wife, husband,whatever, right?
So all of the different roles.
Just play with what they meanfor you and see if there's
anything funky in there, right,so, but be honest so you get
something out of the exercise.
(12:01):
Define it to the fullest, go tothe bottom of the expectations
and meaning and assumptions andbeliefs that you have.
You might unearth some thingsthat you're carrying, some
blueprints that you're carryingfrom how your parents' marriage
played out or all the thingsthat you see in life, and see
(12:25):
how they need to be cleaned upand updated and upgraded so you
fully own those beliefs andthose expectations and then you
could share them with yourpartner and you could flesh them
out together, you could cleanthem up together, you could
align on things and then operatefrom a higher level of looking
at things.
Okay, so that's element one.
(12:46):
Element two has to do withcommunication and alignment.
Now, notice that I'm sharing anordinary, an average
relationship.
I'm not describing the worst.
When people are like really inbad, bad shape and they're
(13:07):
barely making it, obviously thethings that I'm describing could
be really bad, right.
So the other way on thespectrum, so, for example, with
the mindset one, you could addfarther down the spectrum, on
the negative side, if people arereally really struggling,
(13:27):
things like distrust, disloyalty, cheating, betrayal, like all
kinds of things in there, likethe way that people operate,
accusing, hiding things, lying,operate, accusing, hiding things
, lying, like all just thisfunky behavior, right?
So there's a whole spectrumhere.
I'm going to go in the middleof the way and then have to
(13:51):
upgrade things, assuming thatyour relationship is in pretty
okay shape and you just want totake things to the next level.
If you are on the other side ofthe spectrum, all these things
still apply to you.
Just know that that sufferingis going to be a little more
intense for you.
It makes complete sense.
There's no shame in any of this, and we just have to take the
things that I'm offering toheart more in terms of do that
(14:12):
little deeper work and you mightneed support.
Right, you can't potentiallyjust do this on your own.
You might need to getindividual sessions with us,
private sessions or with anybodyto help you do the work if you
need it.
If you're struggling when itcomes to communication, the way
that an average or ordinaryrelationship looks like in terms
(14:34):
of communication is that thecommunication is fairly
superficial.
Is that the communication isfairly superficial?
It's functional.
It focuses on the practical oflife, on the logistics, on
getting things done.
It might address some thingsPeople share things, stories of
(15:03):
every day and just some thingsthat are happening.
You might find that thatsometimes you have like
miscommunications, that youdon't fully align with things,
that you misinterpret things,that you have bad communication
habits.
We have a blog post that listsall the I think we call them the
(15:25):
dirty dust of communication.
So it shows you all thedifferent ways that we think
that we're communicatingproperly but we're totally not,
and also some of the skills andtools that you might need to
upload your communication.
So I'll link that for you.
And it's just some badcommunication habits, like
(15:45):
walking away when somebody'stalking, interrupting them,
looking away, not giving eyecontact, not showing that you're
understanding what's being said, just all kinds of things.
This is how most peoplecommunicate most of the time,
not very ideal for getting onthe same page and feeling heard
and feeling understood andreally bonding and getting to
(16:05):
know each other, which is whatan extraordinary relationship
would have.
We take those things forgranted, that those things
should be given.
We communicate at a muchsuperficial, bland, practical,
everyday kind of level.
Now I'm not saying that youshould go to, or what I'm
(16:28):
offering is that we should go tothis depth of processing and
communication and being intimateemotionally in every
conversation.
Right, that's not practical foreveryday life, but a lot of
couples never go there or hardlyever go there and so they are
missing that depth to knowingand understanding each other and
(16:52):
to feeling more connected andmore on the same page and
understood and gotten andcherished and just being bonded
right.
The whole thing is out thewindow when we barely touch base
or barely connect on things,and again, that's pretty much
(17:14):
what an average couple does.
If you're struggling, then youhave the escalated fights, the
bigger fights, the really crazycommunication with really
damaging language and damagingway of speaking.
I mean, then it goes the otherway, right?
So what we want to do here isclean this up, put better habits
(17:38):
in place, more tools in place,more intentionality in place.
So the ordinary version of thisI described it as kind of bland
.
In a nutshell, theextraordinary version of it the
partners are very intentionalabout going deeper into topics,
(17:59):
being curious, making sure thatthey really understand their
partner, being attuned, usingall the communication tools and
skills so that they're really insync and on the same page about
whatever they are addressing.
Even the basic communicationgoes smooth, and I'm not
suggesting perfection, becausenobody's perfect and we're all
human and we all have moments inlife where things are a little
(18:20):
wonky right.
Those are far and few between,they're not the norm.
So you line up on thecommunication, these partners.
They feel that the partnerreally gets them, that they
synchronize much easier.
If there is a little bump onthe road, they're much quicker
to repair, they know how torepair, they know how to
(18:41):
apologize, they have meaningfulapologies, they have mechanisms
for more easily making decisions, for collaborating in terms of
making choices and solvingproblems and repairing this
moment of disconnect or friction.
So all these things, regularbasic communication, just goes
(19:04):
to the next level, where thepartners are really in sync and
really smooth on the same page.
So for this one, the takeawayis to check out those resources
for communication tools andskills so that you could start
cleaning yourself up and puttingin place better tools and
(19:28):
better skills and betterknow-how so that you can more
easily get on the same page andhave smoother interactions that
just take things to a deeperlevel when needed and that
prevent friction and problemsand miscommunication and issues
in the everyday.
Okay, so that was element two.
All that information flows fromour area of relationship that
(19:50):
we call element two.
The third one is clarity anddynamics.
This one has to do with how werepeat patterns.
What happens a lot is that wemight get triggered in our
relationship.
We have our flavor ofsensitivities, our partner has
(20:12):
theirs, everybody has theirs,and when we're in relationship
with our partner, the way thatthey tend to show up is
practically for us right.
When we are sensitive, whenwe're not resourced in general
but a lot of times we can managethings better and then when we
do our work, we are less andless and less sensitive and
(20:34):
hypersensitive to these things.
But in these moments when wemight get triggered, what
happens is that we respond in away that our partner gets
triggered back and then theyrespond to that trigger in a way
that triggers us back and weget stuck in this loop.
And that's our dynamics andthat's how these are the
(20:58):
patterns.
Now, patterns have to do withthat the triggers, how things
play out and we keep looping,but also things that repeat,
like the same issues that wekeep having or the same
circumstances that keep comingup.
So it shows up in other,different ways the patterns.
But when I'm talking aboutpatterns and dynamics, I'm
referring to this thing there'ssomething that gets triggered
(21:20):
and a partner gets triggeredback and we just keep triggering
each other, or we might addressit, but very superficially, so
nothing gets healed and fullyrepaired.
So we continue to walk aroundwith the same wound and the same
sensitivities and the sametriggers and we don't make any
progress.
And so this is where the beautyof a relationship is, where the
(21:42):
big mechanism, the gift that'sour partner, is perfectly
tailored to trigger our stuff sothat we have the opportunity to
address them and heal themright and grow from them.
So, with this, what we want todo actually before I give you
what we want to do is I want todescribe the average first.
Do actually, before I give youwhat we want to do, is I want to
(22:03):
describe the average first.
So the average couple, theordinary couple.
The way that this will play outis that they might get into a
tiff or they might get hurt andagain they address it
superficially or not fully, andthen they might not feel fully
resolved at the end of theconversation.
(22:23):
They might not even bring upthat they're triggered or upset
about something or that theydon't like something, or they
might bring it up in a feistyway and then a fight happens and
they might stop the fightmoment, so it doesn't get too
bad, but they don't fullyresolve it.
They don't fully address what'sunderneath.
So they might bypass the moment, either by not saying anything
(22:51):
or by barely addressing it,where one person might apologize
or acknowledge it quick,whatever, and then move on.
But they don't go to the depthof like, okay, what got
triggered, what is happening,what's coming up, how is this a
pattern, what is the depth ofthis and what's needed instead.
Right, so that's now we startmoving into the higher level.
So they do the more superficialversion of this.
(23:14):
So, again, either they don'taddress it or they barely
address it and it's notsufficient to make any kind of
changes or evolution in arelationship where they're
struggling.
The triggers are explosive, muchbigger, much more frequent,
much more intense.
(23:34):
It's much harder to repair.
They barely there's barelyrepair acknowledgement.
People have give the coldshoulder, the cold treatment, or
they break up, they get backtogether.
It's all this drama.
So like, really like nuttinessis happening, like more chaos
and drama.
And they're messy, they're hurta lot of the times.
(23:58):
They're dissatisfied a lot ofthe times they're struggling a
lot of the times they'redissatisfied a lot of the times
you're struggling a lot of thetimes and there's a lot of up
and down.
They're great, they're not okay.
They're great, they suck, likethis kind of feeling, and they
they have a big question mark ontheir relationship.
They don't know if this is whatthey want, they don't know if
they want to stay in it and theyjust struggle.
So that's what the other sidelooks like now.
On the every day we might have,like I said, this kind of like
(24:24):
okay, barely addressing thingsor getting over things or not
addressing things, and we forgetabout them.
We'll put them to the side,like you know that kind of stuff
, and then until the next fight,or until the next argument,
until the next trigger and withthis agreement, it's not really
a big fight because we manageourselves right, so it's like an
average relationship.
We're ordinary.
It's not really a big fightbecause we manage ourselves
right, so it's like an averagerelationship.
We're ordinary, it's notterrible, but we're making do.
(24:46):
Now, the extraordinary versionof this is you go much deeper,
right?
So this is where a lot ofclients get to.
They start doing this deeperwork, where the conversations
they go to.
That meaning those emotionalpatterns, those mental patterns,
those mindsets, thoseperspectives, the emotional
(25:12):
feelings, the wounds that keeprepeating what is the wound, the
core wound that they'recarrying, that keeps getting
poked by the most innocuous ofthings, and so they, they tune
in, they figure okay.
So how is this about me?
What's happening for me?
How do I address it?
What I need to give to myself?
(25:34):
How do I reframe this?
How do I soothe this?
What do I do with this?
Whatever it is and depending onwhat's coming up then, how much
of that, how do I package itand how much of that do I share
with my partner so that they arein the know and they could make
amends, they could help, theycould help repair, heal.
(25:54):
When we do that for each other,in that stretch, we're growing.
We are evolving in the healing.
We're both evolving.
We're both becoming more whole,we're more integrated.
We're growing, we are evolvingin the healing.
We're both evolving.
We're both becoming more whole,we're more integrated.
We address projections.
We see what, what, what thingswe we are assigning to our
partner.
Meanwhile they are ours.
Those are shadows andprojections, things that we
don't own like.
There's so much deeper work here, so that that extraordinary
(26:16):
relationship is taking a momentto process at a slightly deeper
level, right.
So I just gave a lot ofclinical language there.
If you're more of a lay personand you're not getting private
support with therapy or coaching, then you might not have some
of that language, but it's fine,right?
The point is to pause and takea moment to access the deeper
(26:41):
stuff.
What is coming up, what can Iconnect that to?
What is the need around thatthing and how do I consciously
get that need met, andintentionally, as opposed to
haphazardly, by default and bydoing funky business?
So that's what theextraordinary relationship
relationship does.
They take things a littledeeper, they analyze at that
(27:04):
deeper level, they do their sidefor themselves with it, they
bring into the relationship anddo the relational part with it,
with their partner.
Every conversation doesn't haveto be a therapy session.
Every conversation doesn't haveto go to all the depths.
Every single issue doesn't haveto be this much work, right?
We use a judgment when thingscould be let go, when things
(27:25):
need to be addressed only withinourselves, when things need to
be brought to our partner towhat level?
Right.
So you use your judgment interms of how much you invest
into each thing, the timing ofit, the depth of it, intensity
of it, whatever depends onwhat's happening, how important
the thing is about.
The depth of it, intensity ofit, whatever depends on what's
happening, how important thething is.
So you create what you want andyou put as much effort, as
little effort as makes sense foryou and your relationship.
(27:47):
But that's what theextraordinary couple would do.
They would invest in the depths, in the richness of this, so
they're more intimate with theirpartner partner.
They know each other at thedeeper level, at the more soul
level, at the more essence right.
They are a unit, a truepartnership in healing, growing
(28:11):
and evolving and becoming theirbest human self and having the
best human experience.
That's the whole point of this,okay, so so as an exercise for
this, as a takeaway, somethingthat you can start doing to take
this area, this element, to thenext level, is to start paying
attention to what are the themes, the things that come up,
(28:33):
what's the repeating fight thatyou have?
What are the specific thingsthat you're hypersensitive to or
that you're finicky about orthat you have sensitivities
about, what are the things thatreally annoy you about your
partner?
Just find the patterns and grabas many of these patterns as
possible.
Make a list, grab all thethings and do this kind of
(28:58):
exploration, brain dump thingand track it and log it and
observe, right, and then see isthere a pattern to the patterns?
Can you see like what?
What do you see right?
What?
What things jump at you?
What can you identify as likeoh, if I had to pick one thing,
this thing is like oh, this isthe thing that gets me right.
(29:19):
So that's one thing that youcould do.
See if you could grab a patternthat kind of grabs all the
other patterns too, if you may,or a pattern that's like you
might find that you have a few,but this particular one is like
oof, if I address this one, I'mgoing to be pretty, pretty,
pretty good shape If I removethis thing.
Like most of the things willfall off right.
(29:41):
Like most of the other thingsare like eh, whatever, they're
not that big of a deal.
That kind of concept, right?
So just use your judgment interms of how do you process what
you captured and what you wantto focus on.
Then you're going to play withthat pattern, you're going to
observe how does it show upwhere?
What discussions do you need tohave with your partner?
What journaling do you need todo?
(30:02):
Do you need to discuss it withyour therapist?
Do you need to bring intocouples therapy?
Do you need to read on it?
Do you need to learn a skill onit?
Do you need to do psychosomaticwork on it?
Do you need to do some tappingon it?
Do you need to use other toolsto regulate and heal and release
things?
So there might be a bunch ofdifferent modalities that you
could apply and you don't haveto apply all.
(30:24):
But there's different thingsthat you could do to release, to
reprogram, to heal, to let go,to regulate, to repattern, to
rewire or to reconstruct withinyourself, to rebuild you,
literally right From your brainto your nervous system, to all
the things.
The patterns are not justbehaviors, not just thoughts and
(30:46):
not just feelings.
They are literally also howyour body is constructed, where
that stuff sits in your body,the energy.
So we're working at a lot ofdifferent levels here.
So you choose what's calling toyou, what's resonating, at what
level you need to work, at whatlevel you want to address this,
and then you go.
Have fun, you play with it,okay.
So that's a takeaway for thatone, okay.
(31:09):
The next one is elementconnection and intimacy.
So this is the funner one ofall the other ones.
The other ones I feel like workand this one is more whatever
fun is now at the ordinary oraverage level.
What this looks like is thatpartners don't spend that much
(31:29):
time together or they spend alot of time together but they're
not really connecting.
They're just in the same space.
That's one.
Two there's little affection.
Three there's little physicalintimacy like actual physical
interactions, consummations,having sexy time.
The next one is they don't havemuch fun together.
(31:56):
Flirting got lost.
Conversations are superficial,interactions are superficial.
They might be out of the loopon things in knowing about their
partner and being emotionallyintimate and in the know and in
sync with how the partner'sfeeling, how the partner's
looking at things, what thepartner is experiencing, the
(32:18):
partner's looking at things,what the partner is experiencing
.
So there's a disconnect.
So they're just a lot ofdifferent things that just
they're just there.
So they might have basic timetogether.
They might have some funtogether.
They.
They have okay sex in okayenough frequency, like
everything's just okay.
Now people who are struggling,they go the other way and they
(32:40):
are feeling totally alone,totally disconnected.
They barely have any sex.
They.
They can't have fun togetherwhenever they try to have time
together, there's fighting,arguing, things might really
escalate.
They don't know how to have fun, they don't have adventures,
they don't have commonexperiences, they don't create
memories right.
There's no celebrations, norituals, no gifts, no, just
(33:05):
there's just no good stuff.
I don't know how else todescribe it, just like it's kind
of bland, so that's when therelationship is struggling, then
the more normal when I justdescribed the very, very bland,
the extraordinary relationshipin turn.
Now, the adventures are there,the memories are there, the
(33:26):
rituals are there, thecelebrations are there, the
daily connection is there, theaffection is there, the sex,
intimacy is there.
Sex to the next level is there.
The passion, the interest, thefun, the flirting, the
playfulness, all these thingsare there.
That's what the extraordinaryrelationship feels and looks
(33:47):
like.
So the takeaway with this one isto explore with each other how
is our intimacy, how is our fun,our rhythms, our rituals, our
practices, our celebrations, andjust kind of have, have a chat,
do a state of the union kind ofconversation about how is this
(34:10):
area feeling and brainstorm howcan we make it better, what
would be fun, what would beexciting, what would be sexy,
what would be more, what wouldbe exciting, what would be sexy,
what would be more romantical,what are some of the things that
you guys would expect to havein connection, and how do you
take them to the next level?
Now I focus more on the funside of that, but a lot of times
(34:32):
when people are in the ordinaryversion of the relationship,
the emotional connection is wasmissing, not so much the fun
comes after, right.
So if you're not feelingemotionally connected, you can't
go have fun or be physicallyintimate and have the best sex.
So then we started there, right?
So how can we have moreintimate conversations?
(34:53):
How can we have more intimateconversations?
How can we have more connectionhabits?
How can we build in things thatwould enrich our time together?
How do we protect our timetogether?
How do we set up time together?
How do we schedule sexy time?
Don't shoot the messenger.
Schedule the one time a week soyou have at least some, and
(35:14):
then the rest could be allspontaneous, right so?
But at least you have the oneif you don't have, if you're not
having any.
So when the idea of schedulingsexy time, people cringe at that
.
But that's just so that peoplewho don't have any have at least
some, and then it doesn't meanthat that's the only kind that
(35:35):
you have and the only one thatyou have.
Okay, it's just a littleclarification there.
So you do that and you haveappreciation session.
There's so many different waysto enrich the relationship and
to add more emotional connectionand more intimacy.
So explore these.
You might want to do it firstlike a little exploration for
(35:57):
yourself, like, hmm, how am Ifeeling about things?
What are the areas that arebugging me?
What would I want a little bitmore?
What am I longing for?
What would I love?
How do I want to really enjoyand feel my partner?
Then get a handle on that ideaand then invite your partner
into a conversation.
The reason why I suggested thatis because sometimes we might
(36:18):
go in like, ah, what are allthese things right?
And our partner feels attackedor not good enough or that
they're lacking, and then it'snot a very pretty productive
conversation.
It kind of makes things worse.
And so go in, gentle, right,curious, inviting and sharing,
sharing the longing.
No criticism, no shaming, noblaming, none of the funky
(36:38):
business and just an invitationfor more.
So that's the fun there.
So play with that.
How do we take things to thenext level Now.
So that was element four, andnow we're going to go into
element five, which iscollaboration and partnership,
(37:00):
and in this one, what theordinary average relationship
looks like is that the partnersmanage the business of life the
best that they can.
They grind day in and day out.
They have some responsibilitiesthat they kind of know.
I do these things, he or shedoes these things and you wing
(37:22):
things as you go.
You might have some systems,you might have some ideas of
division of labor who does whatkind of thing and you might have
some goals as to like, okay,when and how your vacation, or
what kind of things you want toachieve in life, and kind of
what.
You're shooting for some ideawhere your finances are, how
(37:43):
things are going, what, maybesome financial goals, and where
you want to go, plans for thefuture, when you want to buy
your home or the next home, orprojects that you might want to
do.
So you might have some ideaabout these things.
A lot of times people don't.
So that's the averagerelationship.
(38:06):
If you're struggling, all ofthese things are a question mark
.
You don't know the answer toany of these things.
Some of these things aresecrets or hidden stuff.
There's betrayal here.
One partner takes care of a lotof things, the other one
doesn't do anything, so it's alot of codependence and lopsided
things.
Here's where you see howaddictions affect the
(38:27):
relationship, how much you couldcount on your partner, how much
they're able to do and handlethe codependent partners.
They're scared of a lot ofthings and they over-function.
And this is where you see allthe funkiness of life play out.
The home is in disarray, thereis a lot of debt, there's a lot
of illnesses, things don't work.
(38:48):
There's a lot of messes.
The partnership doesn't workwell.
There is a grind Not grindingthe way that we use it in
business Like oh well, grindingand I didn't make it, you know,
working hard.
Like a grind, like difficulty,like things, like the gears
don't turn properly, it's notsmooth, right, it's challenging.
(39:09):
That's when the relationship isstruggling, like everything's
messy and chaotic.
The regular relationship or theaverage relationship.
The average relationship, theordinary relationship most
things work okay, right, there'snot no big problems, things are
in order, things areprogressing, life is good,
things are working fine, perfect.
(39:31):
In the extraordinaryrelationship, the partners have
visions, they have purpose, theyhave big goals.
They have purpose, they havebig goals, they have things that
they're working towards.
There's direction, there's away that they do life.
There's a specific division oflabor, so they know what
everybody's supposed to do, whateverybody has agreed to do,
(39:54):
what's the pieces of therelationship and the admin of
life that they carry.
There is a smooth collaboration.
There's partnership right.
They work to their strengths,they use their skills, they use
their internal and externalresources to make the
relationship and the joint lifework better.
There is a joint vision.
(40:15):
There are shared goals.
Life worked better.
There is a joint vision.
There are shared goals.
There's amazing parenting.
There's an amazing loving home.
Things work well, things aresmooth, people are healthy and
have vitality and things workwell and there is abundance.
And it doesn't mean that listen,the starting of a relationship
(40:36):
doesn't mean that it's perfectand doesn't mean that things
don't go wrong and that lifedoesn't happen to them.
The thing is that they're setup so well and they have such a
good system and they're doingtheir work and they're investing
in the things that they couldhandle things so much better, so
they don't get knocked out asmuch.
They don't get thrown off.
I mean, life happens and theydeal with it.
(40:57):
It's much easier because theyhave the stuff in place and they
have the partnership and thebond and all the resources and
they've done their work thatthey could handle things easier.
They are inspiring asindividuals and as a couple, as
a family, couple, as a family.
(41:23):
They just have.
Their homes are just peaceful,harmonious, inviting, welcoming,
pretty right, all the things.
So that's what's on offer Nowfor this one.
If you're operating at the lowerlevels, then the key is to have
conversations around how do weget on the same page?
Let's explore division, thegoals, the systems, the
(41:44):
structures, the routines, thedivision of labor.
How do we collaborate better?
So these are all differentthings that can be put in place
so that you could take things tothe next level.
Okay, so quick recap.
Element number one was contextand mindset, and that's where we
(42:06):
clean up how we look at things,our belief systems, our
expectations and our boundaries,our ownership, so that we don't
create friction and stucknessand impasses and keep ourselves
small.
Number two communication andalignment.
This is where we up-level allof the ways that we communicate,
from apology to repair, toproblem solving, to
(42:29):
communicating more deeply andmore meaningfully All of the
things.
Number three is clarity anddynamics, and this one has to do
with addressing all of thepatterns right, all the
emotional patterns, the mentalpatterns, all the different ways
in that we might get in our way.
We get triggered and we createfunky loops and we get stuck in
(42:50):
the loops and we don't resolvethings and we keep ourselves
small in that way, justrepeating things that are
unpleasant.
So small in that way, justrepeating things that are
unpleasant.
And in that one, when we crackthat, the way of doing that is
just by meeting our needs, andin that was healing and growth
when we meet ours and ourpartners.
So that's definitely abeautiful place to play in.
(43:14):
The next one is connection andintimacy, and here's where we're
building all the fun, all thedepth and the richness to our
togetherness, the definition ofus and all the memories and all
the fun things.
And the last one iscollaboration and partnership,
and this is how we co-create ourlife experience and our grand
life adventure.
So the next thing that I want toshare with you before we go is
(43:36):
how to use this summer or anyperiod of time.
I like summer because there'smore spaciousness, there's more
sun, there's more fun.
It's like that we're in themindset, in the energy of woohoo
, and so that's a good energy tokind of ride to help us with
(43:58):
this, right?
So it's the perfect time tohave a reset.
It doesn't mean that this isthe only time that you could do
a relationship reset, and I talkabout this all the time.
We could do resets at anytransition times, from month to
month, from week to week, fromquarter to quarter, beginning of
a year, a birthday,anniversaries, whatever,
whenever we want to, or any oldday, just because right,
whenever we decide to.
So don't let that the timing bea thing.
(44:21):
It's just a fun thing for thisparticular episode, and the
timing is just so perfectbecause all the things make it
easier to have a reset right now.
So go through the five elementsand see how you could tie them
to summer themes, right.
So how do you plan vacations?
(44:42):
How do you have fun?
What kind of routines do youhave?
How to have little adventures,how to build into your routine a
different cadence forconnection, for communication,
how to explore belief systemsaround vacation, summer, leisure
(45:02):
, fun, adventure right.
So you could kind of use allthe themes, apply them to each
of the elements so each of theelements add a little flavor of
summer.
Just take it to the next level,to be more specific and to milk
the energy that we haveaccessible right now, just to
make this a little more fun andto have a proper reset, because
(45:26):
the energy just lends itself toit.
Weave in a little summer intothem so you have a proper reset
so that this July you couldplant a flag, so that the rest
of the year can have a differentflavor.
(45:46):
You could take things to thenext level and have your next
level of love.
Okay, my loves.
Hopefully that helped you andyou found that useful.
Please give us a thumbs up, alike, a rating, a comment, a
subscription, a follow.
All the things depends on whereyou're watching this.
Feel free to check out thedescription, notes or the page
depends on where you're watchingthis and I'm going to list some
(46:10):
other resources blog posts,youtube videos and prior
episodes to reinforce some ofthese comments.
So you have the tools that youneed to help you do each element
and help take yourself to thenext level.
Have a fabulous one and I willsee you at the next one.
Bye.
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
We are covering how to have arelationship reset during the
summer months.
This is the perfect time toinvest in your relationship
differently so that you couldtake it to the next level.
Usually, during the rest of theschool year or regular work
(00:21):
year, we get too busy to reallyfocus intentionally on how we
want our relationship to go andwe end up creating an average
relationship.
So in today's episode, I'mgoing to show you what average
looks like and then I'm going toshow you what you need to do to
reset during the summertime tocreate an extraordinary
(00:43):
relationship.
So we're going to take the loveto the next level.
Now I'm going to cover thistopic by showing you the five
areas of relationship that flowfrom our successful relationship
strategy.
There are five areas that Ihave identified as key areas in
relationship that, when weinvest in them, we create the
(01:05):
changes that we want and we takeour love to the next level.
So I'm going to teach you thefive areas.
I'm going to show you how, ineach area, an average
relationship might play out andwhat it will look like in that
particular area when therelationship is separating from
the next level of love and uplevels relationship, what that
(01:28):
looks like.
And then I'm going to show youhow to intentionally invest in
your relationship during thistime to shift from ordinary to
extraordinary.
Okay, without further ado, herewe go.
The first area is your mindset,the context, the perspective
that you bring to yourrelationship, how you choose to
(01:50):
look at your partner, at yourrelationship, at your
interactions, what beliefsystems you have, what
perspectives you have, whatlenses you use, what scripts,
what mental baggage you bring toyour relationship.
That's creating theinteractions and the
circumstances that you have withyour partner.
(02:11):
Now, in this particular area,what partners do is that they
have a tendency to not be fullyaccountable for themselves, to
not be fully accountable forthemselves.
They blame their partner forwhat's happening, they point
fingers, they don't ownthemselves, they accuse their
(02:34):
partner of things, they makeassumptions, they assign motives
, so they're a little what wecall dirty right.
So they don't show up with thebest way of looking at things,
with grace, with perspective,with higher understanding, with
a more compassionate approach.
We're two people having a humanexperience here.
(02:55):
Nobody's perfect.
So what the partners do whenthey're in the average or
ordinary relationship is thatthey're not fully accountable,
not fully owning themselves.
They are dismissing, passing onthe bucket, like I said.
(03:16):
I said emotives and like doingthese things so that their
partner is the reason whythey're not happy, why things
are not working.
If the partner only changed,then things would be better.
That's kind of like theperspective or approach here.
The way that this might show upis that when there's an argument
, let's say, the language isabout accusation.
(03:43):
It's about what the otherperson did or didn't do, where
they are coming from, why theyare doing things.
They go in the person's circle.
They assume they mind read.
They think about why theirpartner might be doing things.
So they are in their head.
They think about what theirpartner should be doing.
(04:04):
So they are owning theirpartner instead be doing things.
So they're in their head.
They think about what theirpartner should be doing.
So they're owning their partnerinstead of themselves.
They think about okay, theyshould be doing this, they
should be doing that, theyshould be thinking this, they
should be thinking that theyshould be feeling like this,
they should be feeling like that.
Right, so they are owning theother person.
They are leaving their circleand they're going inside the
other person's circle where alltheir stuff about themselves are
(04:25):
and they are dictating how theother person should be operating
.
So they're disempoweringthemselves and they're
disempowering their partner whenthey're doing that, because now
their circle is empty, theother person's circle is crowded
.
So that dirty way of operating,making those assumptions,
assigning those motives, beingin the other person's circles,
(04:46):
not being accountable foroneself but owning the other
person, all that kind of stuffit's a way of being disempowered
and creating friction with thepartner.
What happens also at this level,when we're more in the average
way of operating, is that wehave funky ways of looking at
(05:07):
roles and expectations inrelationships.
So, like I said earlier, thisparticular area has to do with
how we think and what beliefs webring into the relationship.
So we may look at things likeexpectations of our partner that
are sexist, if you may, or verytraditional there's nothing
(05:29):
wrong with traditional, as longas it's not subservient right or
disempowering of the otherperson and so what we want to do
here is be on the lookout forthose things.
Anything that's disempoweringfor either partner doesn't serve
right.
So what are the expectations?
What are the beliefs aroundmarriage, commitments, different
(05:51):
, the genders of the partners,money, power distribution,
taking care of things.
So what are the thoughts thatthe partners are bringing in
that you, you might not fullydrive with each other?
They're not really expresseduntil you're playing out things
(06:16):
that undercuts or underminesconnection and each other's
well-being and each other'sempowerment, and so,
unfortunately, that's how a lotof partners operate.
That's what an averagerelationship looks like.
All that stuff is unexamined andnot addressed and not explicit,
and they play a role in how theinteractions play out and how
(06:41):
things are set up in the homeand in the relationship, and it
doesn't really work.
This is where the partners getstuck in impasses and in
different ways of being in therelationship.
That doesn't allow theindividuals to grow, for the
relationship to evolve and fortheir needs to be met, and
there's a lot of fighting andnot getting along, not
(07:02):
progressing in life, all kindsof things, all kinds of ways
that this plays out.
Now, that's the average,ordinary way.
This is the most common waythat couples operate.
Of course, there's a wholespectrum to everything, and
everything that I said is notgoing to be 100% a couple right.
(07:22):
So some of those things mayapply, some of the things might
not apply, but that flavor ofthat is what plays out.
So what we want to do isup-level all of that.
Change the mindset, one, andthe ownership and accountability
two, and the boundaries three,so that both of us are empowered
(07:44):
.
What does that mean?
So, clearing up theexpectations and having
expectations that are realisticof a human being in the context
of life, right, not havingunrealistic expectations of how
the person is supposed to beable to do things, how much
they're supposed to do, howavailable they're supposed to be
(08:05):
, all these kinds of things.
So that's one, the expectations, and aligning with your beliefs
around roles, arounddefinitions of things commitment
, marriage, like I was sayingbefore, partnership spouses,
long-term commitment, like whatdo these things mean to each of
you?
And so you take them to thenext level.
(08:25):
What is the highest perspectivethat you could take on all of
those concepts?
The definition of marriage,what's the highest level of how
you could look at marriage, thepurpose of marriage, how to be
married, what marriage issupposed to do for a person and
(08:46):
for a couple, right, sometimeswe look at marriage as just the
practical of life and how tojust be in a long-term
commitment.
We miss the higher implicationof marriage, the higher purpose
for it, the higher union that isin the two people coming
together and the purpose for it.
(09:07):
So one of the things that weteach in our work is that that
partnership is a vehicle forevolving ourselves as human.
So talk about one of thehighest perspectives that we
could use marriage for the wayto look at marriage.
(09:28):
And so from that highestperspective, then everything
that our partner does is for us,even if it doesn't feel so good
, like, how do we take that?
What's the gift in that for us?
That's a much different way oflooking at our partnership, our
partner and our relationship inthe gift that it is.
(09:49):
So our partner is our lifepartner with a capital P.
Our relationship is aplayground for us to play and
practice getting better at beinghuman and playing on the game
of life.
Playing on the game of life,our marriage, the relationship,
the commitment is all for us.
In that container, in thatarrangement, in that vehicle is
(10:12):
the mechanism for us to get tohave everything exposed.
Play with process, addressed sothat we see all the parts of
ourselves, so that we integrateall the parts.
All the things get triggers,all things get triggered, all
the things get addressed, allthe things get healed.
You see, that's a much higherperspective and way of looking
at our relationship.
(10:33):
So that's one area in therelationship this is element one
we call it, where we addressthe average way, the dirty way,
and average doesn't necessarilymean bad, right, it could just
be, it could be working fine forpeople, but the message that
I'm offering is that it could bemuch better.
(10:53):
So it might not be the worstand you might not be filing for
divorce, but it's okay, right?
And I'm offering that you couldtake it to the next level and
really take things to epic loveto next level, love to like the
much higher perspective andgrander experience with your
relationship and your life.
That's what's on offer heretoday, and so with element one,
(11:17):
we will go from average andordinary to this higher
perspective and way of lookingat things and operating with
that other lens, so that we goto the next level.
Now some exercises that youcould do here to help with this
is explore some of theexpectations and meanings that
you have around concepts aboutrelationship, so long-term
(11:40):
commitment, marriage, spouserelationship, exclusivity,
genders, roles, wife, husband,whatever, right?
So all of the different roles.
Just play with what they meanfor you and see if there's
anything funky in there, right,so, but be honest so you get
something out of the exercise.
(12:01):
Define it to the fullest, go tothe bottom of the expectations
and meaning and assumptions andbeliefs that you have.
You might unearth some thingsthat you're carrying, some
blueprints that you're carryingfrom how your parents' marriage
played out or all the thingsthat you see in life, and see
(12:25):
how they need to be cleaned upand updated and upgraded so you
fully own those beliefs andthose expectations and then you
could share them with yourpartner and you could flesh them
out together, you could cleanthem up together, you could
align on things and then operatefrom a higher level of looking
at things.
Okay, so that's element one.
(12:46):
Element two has to do withcommunication and alignment.
Now, notice that I'm sharing anordinary, an average
relationship.
I'm not describing the worst.
When people are like really inbad, bad shape and they're
(13:07):
barely making it, obviously thethings that I'm describing could
be really bad, right.
So the other way on thespectrum, so, for example, with
the mindset one, you could addfarther down the spectrum, on
the negative side, if people arereally really struggling,
(13:27):
things like distrust, disloyalty, cheating, betrayal, like all
kinds of things in there, likethe way that people operate,
accusing, hiding things, lying,operate, accusing, hiding things
, lying, like all just thisfunky behavior, right?
So there's a whole spectrumhere.
I'm going to go in the middleof the way and then have to
(13:51):
upgrade things, assuming thatyour relationship is in pretty
okay shape and you just want totake things to the next level.
If you are on the other side ofthe spectrum, all these things
still apply to you.
Just know that that sufferingis going to be a little more
intense for you.
It makes complete sense.
There's no shame in any of this, and we just have to take the
things that I'm offering toheart more in terms of do that
(14:12):
little deeper work and you mightneed support.
Right, you can't potentiallyjust do this on your own.
You might need to getindividual sessions with us,
private sessions or with anybodyto help you do the work if you
need it.
If you're struggling when itcomes to communication, the way
that an average or ordinaryrelationship looks like in terms
(14:34):
of communication is that thecommunication is fairly
superficial.
Is that the communication isfairly superficial?
It's functional.
It focuses on the practical oflife, on the logistics, on
getting things done.
It might address some thingsPeople share things, stories of
(15:03):
every day and just some thingsthat are happening.
You might find that thatsometimes you have like
miscommunications, that youdon't fully align with things,
that you misinterpret things,that you have bad communication
habits.
We have a blog post that listsall the I think we call them the
(15:25):
dirty dust of communication.
So it shows you all thedifferent ways that we think
that we're communicatingproperly but we're totally not,
and also some of the skills andtools that you might need to
upload your communication.
So I'll link that for you.
And it's just some badcommunication habits, like
(15:45):
walking away when somebody'stalking, interrupting them,
looking away, not giving eyecontact, not showing that you're
understanding what's being said, just all kinds of things.
This is how most peoplecommunicate most of the time,
not very ideal for getting onthe same page and feeling heard
and feeling understood andreally bonding and getting to
(16:05):
know each other, which is whatan extraordinary relationship
would have.
We take those things forgranted, that those things
should be given.
We communicate at a muchsuperficial, bland, practical,
everyday kind of level.
Now I'm not saying that youshould go to, or what I'm
(16:28):
offering is that we should go tothis depth of processing and
communication and being intimateemotionally in every
conversation.
Right, that's not practical foreveryday life, but a lot of
couples never go there or hardlyever go there and so they are
missing that depth to knowingand understanding each other and
(16:52):
to feeling more connected andmore on the same page and
understood and gotten andcherished and just being bonded
right.
The whole thing is out thewindow when we barely touch base
or barely connect on things,and again, that's pretty much
(17:14):
what an average couple does.
If you're struggling, then youhave the escalated fights, the
bigger fights, the really crazycommunication with really
damaging language and damagingway of speaking.
I mean, then it goes the otherway, right?
So what we want to do here isclean this up, put better habits
(17:38):
in place, more tools in place,more intentionality in place.
So the ordinary version of thisI described it as kind of bland
.
In a nutshell, theextraordinary version of it the
partners are very intentionalabout going deeper into topics,
(17:59):
being curious, making sure thatthey really understand their
partner, being attuned, usingall the communication tools and
skills so that they're really insync and on the same page about
whatever they are addressing.
Even the basic communicationgoes smooth, and I'm not
suggesting perfection, becausenobody's perfect and we're all
human and we all have moments inlife where things are a little
(18:20):
wonky right.
Those are far and few between,they're not the norm.
So you line up on thecommunication, these partners.
They feel that the partnerreally gets them, that they
synchronize much easier.
If there is a little bump onthe road, they're much quicker
to repair, they know how torepair, they know how to
(18:41):
apologize, they have meaningfulapologies, they have mechanisms
for more easily making decisions, for collaborating in terms of
making choices and solvingproblems and repairing this
moment of disconnect or friction.
So all these things, regularbasic communication, just goes
(19:04):
to the next level, where thepartners are really in sync and
really smooth on the same page.
So for this one, the takeawayis to check out those resources
for communication tools andskills so that you could start
cleaning yourself up and puttingin place better tools and
(19:28):
better skills and betterknow-how so that you can more
easily get on the same page andhave smoother interactions that
just take things to a deeperlevel when needed and that
prevent friction and problemsand miscommunication and issues
in the everyday.
Okay, so that was element two.
All that information flows fromour area of relationship that
(19:50):
we call element two.
The third one is clarity anddynamics.
This one has to do with how werepeat patterns.
What happens a lot is that wemight get triggered in our
relationship.
We have our flavor ofsensitivities, our partner has
(20:12):
theirs, everybody has theirs,and when we're in relationship
with our partner, the way thatthey tend to show up is
practically for us right.
When we are sensitive, whenwe're not resourced in general
but a lot of times we can managethings better and then when we
do our work, we are less andless and less sensitive and
(20:34):
hypersensitive to these things.
But in these moments when wemight get triggered, what
happens is that we respond in away that our partner gets
triggered back and then theyrespond to that trigger in a way
that triggers us back and weget stuck in this loop.
And that's our dynamics andthat's how these are the
(20:58):
patterns.
Now, patterns have to do withthat the triggers, how things
play out and we keep looping,but also things that repeat,
like the same issues that wekeep having or the same
circumstances that keep comingup.
So it shows up in other,different ways the patterns.
But when I'm talking aboutpatterns and dynamics, I'm
referring to this thing there'ssomething that gets triggered
(21:20):
and a partner gets triggeredback and we just keep triggering
each other, or we might addressit, but very superficially, so
nothing gets healed and fullyrepaired.
So we continue to walk aroundwith the same wound and the same
sensitivities and the sametriggers and we don't make any
progress.
And so this is where the beautyof a relationship is, where the
(21:42):
big mechanism, the gift that'sour partner, is perfectly
tailored to trigger our stuff sothat we have the opportunity to
address them and heal themright and grow from them.
So, with this, what we want todo actually before I give you
what we want to do is I want todescribe the average first.
Do actually, before I give youwhat we want to do, is I want to
(22:03):
describe the average first.
So the average couple, theordinary couple.
The way that this will play outis that they might get into a
tiff or they might get hurt andagain they address it
superficially or not fully, andthen they might not feel fully
resolved at the end of theconversation.
(22:23):
They might not even bring upthat they're triggered or upset
about something or that theydon't like something, or they
might bring it up in a feistyway and then a fight happens and
they might stop the fightmoment, so it doesn't get too
bad, but they don't fullyresolve it.
They don't fully address what'sunderneath.
So they might bypass the moment, either by not saying anything
(22:51):
or by barely addressing it,where one person might apologize
or acknowledge it quick,whatever, and then move on.
But they don't go to the depthof like, okay, what got
triggered, what is happening,what's coming up, how is this a
pattern, what is the depth ofthis and what's needed instead.
Right, so that's now we startmoving into the higher level.
So they do the more superficialversion of this.
(23:14):
So, again, either they don'taddress it or they barely
address it and it's notsufficient to make any kind of
changes or evolution in arelationship where they're
struggling.
The triggers are explosive, muchbigger, much more frequent,
much more intense.
(23:34):
It's much harder to repair.
They barely there's barelyrepair acknowledgement.
People have give the coldshoulder, the cold treatment, or
they break up, they get backtogether.
It's all this drama.
So like, really like nuttinessis happening, like more chaos
and drama.
And they're messy, they're hurta lot of the times.
(23:58):
They're dissatisfied a lot ofthe times they're struggling a
lot of the times they'redissatisfied a lot of the times
you're struggling a lot of thetimes and there's a lot of up
and down.
They're great, they're not okay.
They're great, they suck, likethis kind of feeling, and they
they have a big question mark ontheir relationship.
They don't know if this is whatthey want, they don't know if
they want to stay in it and theyjust struggle.
So that's what the other sidelooks like now.
On the every day we might have,like I said, this kind of like
(24:24):
okay, barely addressing thingsor getting over things or not
addressing things, and we forgetabout them.
We'll put them to the side,like you know that kind of stuff
, and then until the next fight,or until the next argument,
until the next trigger and withthis agreement, it's not really
a big fight because we manageourselves right, so it's like an
average relationship.
We're ordinary.
It's not really a big fightbecause we manage ourselves
right, so it's like an averagerelationship.
We're ordinary, it's notterrible, but we're making do.
(24:46):
Now, the extraordinary versionof this is you go much deeper,
right?
So this is where a lot ofclients get to.
They start doing this deeperwork, where the conversations
they go to.
That meaning those emotionalpatterns, those mental patterns,
those mindsets, thoseperspectives, the emotional
(25:12):
feelings, the wounds that keeprepeating what is the wound, the
core wound that they'recarrying, that keeps getting
poked by the most innocuous ofthings, and so they, they tune
in, they figure okay.
So how is this about me?
What's happening for me?
How do I address it?
What I need to give to myself?
(25:34):
How do I reframe this?
How do I soothe this?
What do I do with this?
Whatever it is and depending onwhat's coming up then, how much
of that, how do I package itand how much of that do I share
with my partner so that they arein the know and they could make
amends, they could help, theycould help repair, heal.
(25:54):
When we do that for each other,in that stretch, we're growing.
We are evolving in the healing.
We're both evolving.
We're both becoming more whole,we're more integrated.
We're growing, we are evolvingin the healing.
We're both evolving.
We're both becoming more whole,we're more integrated.
We address projections.
We see what, what, what thingswe we are assigning to our
partner.
Meanwhile they are ours.
Those are shadows andprojections, things that we
don't own like.
There's so much deeper work here, so that that extraordinary
(26:16):
relationship is taking a momentto process at a slightly deeper
level, right.
So I just gave a lot ofclinical language there.
If you're more of a lay personand you're not getting private
support with therapy or coaching, then you might not have some
of that language, but it's fine,right?
The point is to pause and takea moment to access the deeper
(26:41):
stuff.
What is coming up, what can Iconnect that to?
What is the need around thatthing and how do I consciously
get that need met, andintentionally, as opposed to
haphazardly, by default and bydoing funky business?
So that's what theextraordinary relationship
relationship does.
They take things a littledeeper, they analyze at that
(27:04):
deeper level, they do their sidefor themselves with it, they
bring into the relationship anddo the relational part with it,
with their partner.
Every conversation doesn't haveto be a therapy session.
Every conversation doesn't haveto go to all the depths.
Every single issue doesn't haveto be this much work, right?
We use a judgment when thingscould be let go, when things
(27:25):
need to be addressed only withinourselves, when things need to
be brought to our partner towhat level?
Right.
So you use your judgment interms of how much you invest
into each thing, the timing ofit, the depth of it, intensity
of it, whatever depends onwhat's happening, how important
the thing is about.
The depth of it, intensity ofit, whatever depends on what's
happening, how important thething is.
So you create what you want andyou put as much effort, as
little effort as makes sense foryou and your relationship.
(27:47):
But that's what theextraordinary couple would do.
They would invest in the depths, in the richness of this, so
they're more intimate with theirpartner partner.
They know each other at thedeeper level, at the more soul
level, at the more essence right.
They are a unit, a truepartnership in healing, growing
(28:11):
and evolving and becoming theirbest human self and having the
best human experience.
That's the whole point of this,okay, so so as an exercise for
this, as a takeaway, somethingthat you can start doing to take
this area, this element, to thenext level, is to start paying
attention to what are the themes, the things that come up,
(28:33):
what's the repeating fight thatyou have?
What are the specific thingsthat you're hypersensitive to or
that you're finicky about orthat you have sensitivities
about, what are the things thatreally annoy you about your
partner?
Just find the patterns and grabas many of these patterns as
possible.
Make a list, grab all thethings and do this kind of
(28:58):
exploration, brain dump thingand track it and log it and
observe, right, and then see isthere a pattern to the patterns?
Can you see like what?
What do you see right?
What?
What things jump at you?
What can you identify as likeoh, if I had to pick one thing,
this thing is like oh, this isthe thing that gets me right.
(29:19):
So that's one thing that youcould do.
See if you could grab a patternthat kind of grabs all the
other patterns too, if you may,or a pattern that's like you
might find that you have a few,but this particular one is like
oof, if I address this one, I'mgoing to be pretty, pretty,
pretty good shape If I removethis thing.
Like most of the things willfall off right.
(29:41):
Like most of the other thingsare like eh, whatever, they're
not that big of a deal.
That kind of concept, right?
So just use your judgment interms of how do you process what
you captured and what you wantto focus on.
Then you're going to play withthat pattern, you're going to
observe how does it show upwhere?
What discussions do you need tohave with your partner?
What journaling do you need todo?
(30:02):
Do you need to discuss it withyour therapist?
Do you need to bring intocouples therapy?
Do you need to read on it?
Do you need to learn a skill onit?
Do you need to do psychosomaticwork on it?
Do you need to do some tappingon it?
Do you need to use other toolsto regulate and heal and release
things?
So there might be a bunch ofdifferent modalities that you
could apply and you don't haveto apply all.
(30:24):
But there's different thingsthat you could do to release, to
reprogram, to heal, to let go,to regulate, to repattern, to
rewire or to reconstruct withinyourself, to rebuild you,
literally right From your brainto your nervous system, to all
the things.
The patterns are not justbehaviors, not just thoughts and
(30:46):
not just feelings.
They are literally also howyour body is constructed, where
that stuff sits in your body,the energy.
So we're working at a lot ofdifferent levels here.
So you choose what's calling toyou, what's resonating, at what
level you need to work, at whatlevel you want to address this,
and then you go.
Have fun, you play with it,okay.
So that's a takeaway for thatone, okay.
(31:09):
The next one is elementconnection and intimacy.
So this is the funner one ofall the other ones.
The other ones I feel like workand this one is more whatever
fun is now at the ordinary oraverage level.
What this looks like is thatpartners don't spend that much
(31:29):
time together or they spend alot of time together but they're
not really connecting.
They're just in the same space.
That's one.
Two there's little affection.
Three there's little physicalintimacy like actual physical
interactions, consummations,having sexy time.
The next one is they don't havemuch fun together.
(31:56):
Flirting got lost.
Conversations are superficial,interactions are superficial.
They might be out of the loopon things in knowing about their
partner and being emotionallyintimate and in the know and in
sync with how the partner'sfeeling, how the partner's
looking at things, what thepartner is experiencing, the
(32:18):
partner's looking at things,what the partner is experiencing
.
So there's a disconnect.
So they're just a lot ofdifferent things that just
they're just there.
So they might have basic timetogether.
They might have some funtogether.
They.
They have okay sex in okayenough frequency, like
everything's just okay.
Now people who are struggling,they go the other way and they
(32:40):
are feeling totally alone,totally disconnected.
They barely have any sex.
They.
They can't have fun togetherwhenever they try to have time
together, there's fighting,arguing, things might really
escalate.
They don't know how to have fun, they don't have adventures,
they don't have commonexperiences, they don't create
memories right.
There's no celebrations, norituals, no gifts, no, just
(33:05):
there's just no good stuff.
I don't know how else todescribe it, just like it's kind
of bland, so that's when therelationship is struggling, then
the more normal when I justdescribed the very, very bland,
the extraordinary relationshipin turn.
Now, the adventures are there,the memories are there, the
(33:26):
rituals are there, thecelebrations are there, the
daily connection is there, theaffection is there, the sex,
intimacy is there.
Sex to the next level is there.
The passion, the interest, thefun, the flirting, the
playfulness, all these thingsare there.
That's what the extraordinaryrelationship feels and looks
(33:47):
like.
So the takeaway with this one isto explore with each other how
is our intimacy, how is our fun,our rhythms, our rituals, our
practices, our celebrations, andjust kind of have, have a chat,
do a state of the union kind ofconversation about how is this
(34:10):
area feeling and brainstorm howcan we make it better, what
would be fun, what would beexciting, what would be sexy,
what would be more, what wouldbe exciting, what would be sexy,
what would be more romantical,what are some of the things that
you guys would expect to havein connection, and how do you
take them to the next level?
Now I focus more on the funside of that, but a lot of times
(34:32):
when people are in the ordinaryversion of the relationship,
the emotional connection is wasmissing, not so much the fun
comes after, right.
So if you're not feelingemotionally connected, you can't
go have fun or be physicallyintimate and have the best sex.
So then we started there, right?
So how can we have moreintimate conversations?
(34:53):
How can we have more intimateconversations?
How can we have more connectionhabits?
How can we build in things thatwould enrich our time together?
How do we protect our timetogether?
How do we set up time together?
How do we schedule sexy time?
Don't shoot the messenger.
Schedule the one time a week soyou have at least some, and
(35:14):
then the rest could be allspontaneous, right so?
But at least you have the oneif you don't have, if you're not
having any.
So when the idea of schedulingsexy time, people cringe at that
.
But that's just so that peoplewho don't have any have at least
some, and then it doesn't meanthat that's the only kind that
(35:35):
you have and the only one thatyou have.
Okay, it's just a littleclarification there.
So you do that and you haveappreciation session.
There's so many different waysto enrich the relationship and
to add more emotional connectionand more intimacy.
So explore these.
You might want to do it firstlike a little exploration for
(35:57):
yourself, like, hmm, how am Ifeeling about things?
What are the areas that arebugging me?
What would I want a little bitmore?
What am I longing for?
What would I love?
How do I want to really enjoyand feel my partner?
Then get a handle on that ideaand then invite your partner
into a conversation.
The reason why I suggested thatis because sometimes we might
(36:18):
go in like, ah, what are allthese things right?
And our partner feels attackedor not good enough or that
they're lacking, and then it'snot a very pretty productive
conversation.
It kind of makes things worse.
And so go in, gentle, right,curious, inviting and sharing,
sharing the longing.
No criticism, no shaming, noblaming, none of the funky
(36:38):
business and just an invitationfor more.
So that's the fun there.
So play with that.
How do we take things to thenext level Now.
So that was element four, andnow we're going to go into
element five, which iscollaboration and partnership,
(37:00):
and in this one, what theordinary average relationship
looks like is that the partnersmanage the business of life the
best that they can.
They grind day in and day out.
They have some responsibilitiesthat they kind of know.
I do these things, he or shedoes these things and you wing
(37:22):
things as you go.
You might have some systems,you might have some ideas of
division of labor who does whatkind of thing and you might have
some goals as to like, okay,when and how your vacation, or
what kind of things you want toachieve in life, and kind of
what.
You're shooting for some ideawhere your finances are, how
(37:43):
things are going, what, maybesome financial goals, and where
you want to go, plans for thefuture, when you want to buy
your home or the next home, orprojects that you might want to
do.
So you might have some ideaabout these things.
A lot of times people don't.
So that's the averagerelationship.
(38:06):
If you're struggling, all ofthese things are a question mark
.
You don't know the answer toany of these things.
Some of these things aresecrets or hidden stuff.
There's betrayal here.
One partner takes care of a lotof things, the other one
doesn't do anything, so it's alot of codependence and lopsided
things.
Here's where you see howaddictions affect the
(38:27):
relationship, how much you couldcount on your partner, how much
they're able to do and handlethe codependent partners.
They're scared of a lot ofthings and they over-function.
And this is where you see allthe funkiness of life play out.
The home is in disarray, thereis a lot of debt, there's a lot
of illnesses, things don't work.
(38:48):
There's a lot of messes.
The partnership doesn't workwell.
There is a grind Not grindingthe way that we use it in
business Like oh well, grindingand I didn't make it, you know,
working hard.
Like a grind, like difficulty,like things, like the gears
don't turn properly, it's notsmooth, right, it's challenging.
(39:09):
That's when the relationship isstruggling, like everything's
messy and chaotic.
The regular relationship or theaverage relationship.
The average relationship, theordinary relationship most
things work okay, right, there'snot no big problems, things are
in order, things areprogressing, life is good,
things are working fine, perfect.
(39:31):
In the extraordinaryrelationship, the partners have
visions, they have purpose, theyhave big goals.
They have purpose, they havebig goals, they have things that
they're working towards.
There's direction, there's away that they do life.
There's a specific division oflabor, so they know what
everybody's supposed to do, whateverybody has agreed to do,
(39:54):
what's the pieces of therelationship and the admin of
life that they carry.
There is a smooth collaboration.
There's partnership right.
They work to their strengths,they use their skills, they use
their internal and externalresources to make the
relationship and the joint lifework better.
There is a joint vision.
(40:15):
There are shared goals.
Life worked better.
There is a joint vision.
There are shared goals.
There's amazing parenting.
There's an amazing loving home.
Things work well, things aresmooth, people are healthy and
have vitality and things workwell and there is abundance.
And it doesn't mean that listen,the starting of a relationship
(40:36):
doesn't mean that it's perfectand doesn't mean that things
don't go wrong and that lifedoesn't happen to them.
The thing is that they're setup so well and they have such a
good system and they're doingtheir work and they're investing
in the things that they couldhandle things so much better, so
they don't get knocked out asmuch.
They don't get thrown off.
I mean, life happens and theydeal with it.
(40:57):
It's much easier because theyhave the stuff in place and they
have the partnership and thebond and all the resources and
they've done their work thatthey could handle things easier.
They are inspiring asindividuals and as a couple, as
a family, couple, as a family.
(41:23):
They just have.
Their homes are just peaceful,harmonious, inviting, welcoming,
pretty right, all the things.
So that's what's on offer Nowfor this one.
If you're operating at the lowerlevels, then the key is to have
conversations around how do weget on the same page?
Let's explore division, thegoals, the systems, the
(41:44):
structures, the routines, thedivision of labor.
How do we collaborate better?
So these are all differentthings that can be put in place
so that you could take things tothe next level.
Okay, so quick recap.
Element number one was contextand mindset, and that's where we
(42:06):
clean up how we look at things,our belief systems, our
expectations and our boundaries,our ownership, so that we don't
create friction and stucknessand impasses and keep ourselves
small.
Number two communication andalignment.
This is where we up-level allof the ways that we communicate,
from apology to repair, toproblem solving, to
(42:29):
communicating more deeply andmore meaningfully All of the
things.
Number three is clarity anddynamics, and this one has to do
with addressing all of thepatterns right, all the
emotional patterns, the mentalpatterns, all the different ways
in that we might get in our way.
We get triggered and we createfunky loops and we get stuck in
(42:50):
the loops and we don't resolvethings and we keep ourselves
small in that way, justrepeating things that are
unpleasant.
So small in that way, justrepeating things that are
unpleasant.
And in that one, when we crackthat, the way of doing that is
just by meeting our needs, andin that was healing and growth
when we meet ours and ourpartners.
So that's definitely abeautiful place to play in.
(43:14):
The next one is connection andintimacy, and here's where we're
building all the fun, all thedepth and the richness to our
togetherness, the definition ofus and all the memories and all
the fun things.
And the last one iscollaboration and partnership,
and this is how we co-create ourlife experience and our grand
life adventure.
So the next thing that I want toshare with you before we go is
(43:36):
how to use this summer or anyperiod of time.
I like summer because there'smore spaciousness, there's more
sun, there's more fun.
It's like that we're in themindset, in the energy of woohoo
, and so that's a good energy tokind of ride to help us with
(43:58):
this, right?
So it's the perfect time tohave a reset.
It doesn't mean that this isthe only time that you could do
a relationship reset, and I talkabout this all the time.
We could do resets at anytransition times, from month to
month, from week to week, fromquarter to quarter, beginning of
a year, a birthday,anniversaries, whatever,
whenever we want to, or any oldday, just because right,
whenever we decide to.
So don't let that the timing bea thing.
(44:21):
It's just a fun thing for thisparticular episode, and the
timing is just so perfectbecause all the things make it
easier to have a reset right now.
So go through the five elementsand see how you could tie them
to summer themes, right.
So how do you plan vacations?
(44:42):
How do you have fun?
What kind of routines do youhave?
How to have little adventures,how to build into your routine a
different cadence forconnection, for communication,
how to explore belief systemsaround vacation, summer, leisure
(45:02):
, fun, adventure right.
So you could kind of use allthe themes, apply them to each
of the elements so each of theelements add a little flavor of
summer.
Just take it to the next level,to be more specific and to milk
the energy that we haveaccessible right now, just to
make this a little more fun andto have a proper reset, because
(45:26):
the energy just lends itself toit.
Weave in a little summer intothem so you have a proper reset
so that this July you couldplant a flag, so that the rest
of the year can have a differentflavor.
(45:46):
You could take things to thenext level and have your next
level of love.
Okay, my loves.
Hopefully that helped you andyou found that useful.
Please give us a thumbs up, alike, a rating, a comment, a
subscription, a follow.
All the things depends on whereyou're watching this.
Feel free to check out thedescription, notes or the page
depends on where you're watchingthis and I'm going to list some
(46:10):
other resources blog posts,youtube videos and prior
episodes to reinforce some ofthese comments.
So you have the tools that youneed to help you do each element
and help take yourself to thenext level.
Have a fabulous one and I willsee you at the next one.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.