Clear Unhealthy Relationship Habits and Create a Shared Relationship Vision w/ Victoria Sotelo (Ep.30)

In today’s episode, Emma has a delightful and empowering conversation with Victoria Sotelo, also a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, about how to create a healthy, harmonious, and honoring ebb and flow in our long-term relationship with our Partner.  

We discuss: how to repair when things get off track, what might get us off track and roadblocks that disrupt our connection, how to get unstuck, the importance of identifying our core needs and operating from our values, and activating a positive approach and state of being to show up compassionately and lovingly in our relationship. But as if that wasn’t wonderful enough, we discussed how to create a Relationship Vision and how to nurture the relationship during the holidays! 

Hope you enjoy it!  

 

*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, info about the guest, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!  

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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.

Episode Transcript

Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic and guests.
I have Victoria Sotelo with usto talk about the relationship,
harmony and how to create yourdream relationship.
We talk about how to set properexpectations, how to work with
creating harmony, what to dowhen there is disharmony, how to

(00:23):
repair and what might be somethings that nowadays and the
culture and life that we live,this modern life, what might be
some things that createroadblocks for couples, that
create disconnect, and whatmight those be.
And then we address how toidentify core needs, core values

(00:44):
and then from there create arelationship vision that can
guide your intentions andinvestments and habits and
lifestyle that you set up foryourselves going forward, so
that you can create what youwant and what you desire and
what you dream of.
We also talk about how toreprogram parts and your mindset

(01:07):
and your approach and yourexperience so that you get out
of your own way and you don'tcontribute to the stuckness or
you rather stop contributing tothe stuckness, I should say so
that you can then put in thegood stuff and create what you
desire.
So we do activations aroundthat and just know that the
whole conversation is anactivation, just what we talk

(01:29):
about will help you shift andup-level your mindset and your
approach to yourself and yourrelationship.
We talk about self-regulation,personal accountability and
responsibility, so that we areempowered in how we show up to
our relationship and create thechanges that we are desiring.
We also talk about how to dothe holidays, how to approach
the holidays from a beautifulmindset, so that we actually

(01:53):
experience them better and wetake away what we desire from
the holidays, which is moreconnection and more love and
just more yumminess, not justthe materials.
So we talk about how to goabout that and how to set
ourselves up for a beautiful2025.
And stay tuned, you're in for atreat.
Let me re-read her bio and thenwe'll say hello to Victoria.

(02:15):
Victoria Sotelo brings a heartof compassion and passionate
energy for cultivating healthymarriages and sexual intimacy to
her clients.
She practices from anintegrative model incorporating
the biopsychosocial andspiritual aspects of her
clients' lives.
Her excellent listening skillsand problem-solving methods,

(02:36):
along with her clinicalexperience, position her as a
therapist with a balancedapproach.
Victoria holds a license inmarriage and family therapy in
New York, new Jersey and Florida.
Without further ado, let's sayhello to Victoria.
Hello, victoria, so excited tohave you here with us today.

Victoria Sotelo (02:57):
Yes, I'm very excited to be here and engage in
this conversation with you,Emma.
It's a privilege to be on thispodcast and get to chat with you
and your guest.

Emma Viglucci (03:08):
I am super excited for this topic and just
because we had conversationsabout this already, you and I,
and even before we startedrecording your language and your
take on the work with couplesis so lovely.
So I'm really looking forwardfor our audience to benefit from
your wisdom, your lights, yourlove.

(03:32):
I think that's going to be areally enriching conversation,
and what I'm really lookingforward to is that we're going
to have a conversation aboutthings that we want to offer our
audience.
But what's going to be reallycool that I'm looking forward to
is that we're going toimplement a little bit of an
activation here, a little bit oflike an experiential piece,
which I normally don't do.
So that's going to be so fun.

(03:53):
I'm really looking forward tothat.
So just a little heads up tothe audience with this is stay
open, because as you listen tothese words, you will feel the
shift in and of itself, withouteven you having to do that much.
So this is going to be aspectacular for you and for
Victoria and I too, because aswe do this, we activate

(04:14):
ourselves, so it's going to beso good.

Victoria Sotelo (04:16):
Yeah, it's exciting, look, I mean we all
listen to lots of podcasts.
We are constantly getting databrought into our lives through
many different vehicles and Ithink it's so important that we
use some of the time when we'relistening to a podcast to just
reflect.
So I want to give yourlisteners an opportunity to do
that.
I know that as time has gone on, especially over the last

(04:39):
decade, I've learned how topause even right in the middle
of a podcast.
I've learned how to pause evenright in the middle of a podcast
.
Sometimes I may not even finishthe whole podcast in that
moment, because I want to reallyhold on to a piece of
information and let it digest.
So we want to give yourlisteners an opportunity to do
that today, as we talk abouthealthy relationships.

Emma Viglucci (04:58):
Oh, I love that.
Yes, I call that percolating.
Percolating, yeah, this pausething and just taking it in and
be like, ooh, what is that doing, right?
So, yes, so good.
I'm so excited for that.
Well, so why don't we startwith from your opinion and your
experience?
Because, as we know, you're amarriage and family therapist as
well, you specialize in workingwith couples as well, and you

(05:20):
know relationships intimatelyand, of course, professionally.
So, from your take, what does ahealthy relationship look like?

Victoria Sotelo (05:29):
Yeah, I think it's really important that we
have healthy expectations forwhat relationships are going to
look like.
We live in a world again whereso many relationships are
scripted.
You know we're watching most ofthese relationships through
Netflix and Hulu and all theseother vehicles and we have
professional people writingscripts for people, so we have

(05:51):
an expectation that that's kindof how our conversations are
going to go with our spouses,with our children, with our
family and friends.
A healthy relationship lookslike harmony, disharmony and
repair, and what I mean by thatis you're going to have seasons
and phases where you feel reallyharmonious and connected and
synchronized.

(06:11):
There's going to be times andthey can be daily, weekly,
monthly, maybe months go bybefore you feel that disharmony
phase in your relationship andyou want to know how to get back
, how to get to the repair partso that you don't disrupt the
entire foundation of therelationship.
So a healthy relationship hasthose three characteristics in

(06:33):
it.
They don't look perfect, theysometimes are messy, but you're
really persevering for your owngrowth in the relationship with
this other person or people.

Emma Viglucci (06:44):
Yes.
So a couple of things just fromwhat you said so far.
You know, I love theobservation that professionals
are writing the scripts in themovies and in the shows and
they're so prescribed.
And even I dare say thatsometimes when we do some skills
in therapy, it feels prescribedright.

(07:06):
So sometimes clients are likewho talks like that, right?
But so what I usually like tosay is, when we're in therapy,
that this is just from whereyou're in conflict or about to
get into conflict.
To be preventative, you don'thave to talk like this all the
time.
And the prescription it soundsprescribed at this moment
because you're learning a tool,but then you can make it a lot
more organic as you go.

(07:26):
Right, you don't even knowyou're using a tool.
So that's point aside.
But, yes, the scripted scriptsin the movies and in the shows.
And I will add that we aretaking and I'm throwing myself
on the bandwagon, we're takingadvice from people who are even
not professionals, like YouTube,right, people are just like

(07:47):
this is what you should do foryour relationship and it's like
where is that stuff coming from?
Like some of it is a little offright.
So I'm loving what you'representing right now, that
nothing is perfect.
There is harmony.
There's harmony and repair.
I love that we could get intothat in a second.
That, yes, everybody will gothrough the ebbs and flows.

(08:09):
So right now, people who arelistening might be struggling
and people who are notstruggling might be listening
also.
Did I say that right?
And so, regardless what stateof life people or what season of
life people are in, they willstill find benefit here, because
we all go through ups and downsand if we're doing this today,
we might find a little bump inthe road, and if you're in the
bump in the road right now, youcan't get back up.

(08:29):
It doesn't mean that you had tothrow out the baby with the
bath water.
Yes, fabulous.

Victoria Sotelo (08:33):
Yeah, yeah, really essential.
Look what we're going to betalking about from a
professional and clinical lens.
Many of our shared colleaguesin the field peers that we
really respect have talked aboutthis type of thing, and I'm not
the originator of all of theseterms that we're going to hear.
Where I have the opportunityand recall, I love to resource

(08:55):
people.
So that specific idea, I knowTerry real talks about it.
He got it from Pia Melody yearsback and it's a great idea.
I like to think of it.
When you stand in front of theocean, in the water, you know
you can stand at the wake of theocean, right at where the
tide's coming in, and you can bestanding there steady and all

(09:16):
of a sudden a bigger wave thanyou were expecting could show up
and all of a sudden you're likewe've all had this experience
At least I know I have where youjust fall into the water, you
know, or or are losing yoursense of balance.
So this is kind of the conceptof harmony, disharmony repair.
There are times where youreally feel like where is my
sense of balance in regards tothis relationship and how do I

(09:40):
even hold on to my sense of selfin the presence of these other
people?
So a healthy relationship iswhere you're practicing that,
you're building what we callmuscle memory in that, and this
isn't something you're going tocheck off a box.
You got it today.
You're never going to have todeal with it again.
This is a lifetime journey oflearning how because certain
relationships they really woundus and they go right to our core

(10:04):
desires that we have, and sowhen that happens, it's really
hard to stay steady.
Even if you're a professionaland you have years of training
and experience, you're notalways going to pick up that
beautiful tool of reflectivelistening when you're in the
middle of a fight, right.
So when you're triggered, whereyou're triggered.
So you know, even in my 28 yearmarriage, I have to learn how

(10:26):
to quiet my mind and calm myheart and remind myself of truth
so that I can stay present.
So, yeah, it's really importantthat we level our expectations.
What is healthy.
We don't want to catastrophizeevery problem.
When a problem shows uprepeatedly, there could be a
pattern there that we need toaddress.

(10:47):
But we don't want to think thatjust because a part of the
relationship is suffering andstruggling, that the whole thing
is now destroyed.
So that's really what I wantyou to think about when you're
thinking about health that heylook, I could even look really
beautiful and healthy and puttogether on the outside and I
could go and get a radiologyscan and find out there's a

(11:09):
growth or a tumor that I hadknown, known, known information
about, and I wouldn't want toget rid of my whole body because
of that.
I would want to address thatproblem.
So we want to kind of thinkabout it like that when you're
in a relationship and you keepkind of crashing up with the
same pattern, you want to stepback and get perspective, and

(11:30):
that's what we hope is going tohappen as we continue to talk.

Emma Viglucci (11:33):
I love it.
I love both analogies about theocean and about the radio scan.
I was going to say blood, checkout your blood.
But you might look beautifuland healthy, but your blood is a
disaster.
You have cholesterol, you haveall the things but a tumor.
I love that because, yeah, wecould cut out the tumor.
It doesn't mean that you throwyour whole body away.
I love that so good.
So can you say a little bitmore about what harmony might

(11:56):
look like?
What does harmony might looklike in repair?
Just quick highlight, yeah, so.

Victoria Sotelo (12:01):
I think harmony is especially in a relationship
where you're invested long-termI'm thinking about long-term
relationships.
You're really looking at yourcore values.
Right, in your core valuesyou're going to find the places
of harmony with one another andyou're thinking about many
different things, right?
We practice with a familysystems systemic lens and that

(12:27):
lens says let's look at youbiologically, what's happening
in your body, psychologically,socially, spiritually, what's
going on in the course of yourlife?
And so there's going to be corevalues that you have
developmentally at differentseasons of your life.
Right, I'm at a phase in lifewhere I've raised three children

(12:49):
and my whole body's goingthrough lots of different
changes, right?
So this is a new phase of lifewhere I don't have to attend to
the same needs that I used to.
I want to know what I value,not just externally but
internally.
So harmony looks like findingconnection in relationship.
It also looks like how I steadyand hold on to myself when that

(13:13):
connection is not present.
That's also harmony, yes, okay,so you have a different of
opinion.
We're all living with big,strong, polarizing ideas in our
culture, and how do I stayconnected when I might not agree
, specifically about a topic?
That can be harmony?
Right.

(13:33):
Disharmony can be something assimple as you ask a little
request in your home and nobodyresponds.
You know you don't get yourneed met.
You don't get your need met atall, or you don't get it met in
the way you wanted, or you getit met and somehow it's just
rote and robotic.
There's no real emotionalconnection there.

(13:55):
That can feel like disharmony.
Disharmony can also feel likewanting another child and your
spouse is a strong no right.
It can feel like you thinkinvesting here is wise and they
don't want to spend anotherpenny, you know.
So this harmony can show it.
Can we're taught?
You know the holidays are hereand upon us.
It can look like going andshowing up in your family of

(14:18):
origin, a home, and revertingright back to those behaviors
and habits that you thought youhad healed from and that can
feel like disharmony in thatmoment.
And repair looks like, firstand foremost, getting
perspective with yourself.
So making sure you'reresponsible for how you think,

(14:40):
feel and behave and you'reowning that.
You're not putting that onsomeone else.
You're noticing what yourthoughts, feelings and behaviors
are triggering within you andthen, once you have some clarity
about that right and you knowwhat, what you want to
communicate, you'recommunicating.
If you go to make the repairwhile you're angry, while you

(15:02):
haven't resolved what is reallycausing that pain, you're going
to find the conversation quiteexplosive and unproductive.

Emma Viglucci (15:13):
I love that last piece.
First of all, I love all of it.
I love the examples and thedescription of harmony and
disharmony.
Yes, I think that a lot ofpeople will resonate with all of
that, that they could findthemselves in those examples and
the piece so good.
I mean, I teach this all thetime, like day, like session
after session, after hour afterhour, daily, with clients.

(15:34):
Uh, when we're in sessions thatdon't have the conversation
while you're triggered, it's notgonna work.
All the skills that you have,they're not gonna.
They're gonna be like well,forget this skill, stupid, it
doesn't work.
It works when you use itproperly, not in the moment that
you're.
They're not going to, they'regoing to be like well, forget
this skill, stupid, it doesn'twork.
It works when you use itproperly, not in the moment that
you're hot.
It doesn't work when you're hot, right.
So I love what you said aboutthat and, but more importantly,
how you said that your thoughts,your feelings and your actions

(15:56):
are triggering you, because alot of times, how easy it is to
blame our partner, like you'retriggering me.
Yeah, right, yeah, are theyreally triggering you?
You're making assumptions aboutwhat they're saying.
You're signing motives.
You have your belief systemaround that.
You're signing it, meaningright, it's all internal.
I also like to say things likethe relationship is happening in
your head.
You're having a relationshipwith your partner in your head,

(16:19):
and so I love that.
Right, take a chill pill, checkout for yourself what's
happening and then, once youhave a hand on it, then go talk.

Victoria Sotelo (16:27):
Yeah, there's a really beautiful piece that we
can think about, right, whenwe're thinking clinically, we
call this differentiation, andin clinical terms,
differentiation is learning howto really stay connected to who
you are distinctly and also stayconnected to others.
There's a lot of talk inculture around setting
boundaries, right and, or theopposite of that.

(16:50):
Hey, I had to get rid of allthe toxic humans in my life,
kind of thing, right and?
And look, some of us may haveto go live on Mars if we do that
kind of thing.
But.
But really healthydifferentiation is when we have
a solid sense of ourselves,taken from our core values.
We have a flexible sense ofourselves, meaning we can learn

(17:10):
how to be in relationship withothers, even if those others
have different thoughts,feelings and behaviors than us,
and we don't lose our sense ofself.
And in order to do that, wehave to quiet our mind and calm
our heart.
So that's, that's self-talk andbreathing.
We have to figure out how notto overreact to other people's

(17:33):
overreactions and then we needto learn how to persevere for
the growth that's going to comein healthy relationship.
So what you know what I'mtalking about when I talk about
that repair piece and takingresponsibility.
I think it was actually PiaMelody who came out with these
little questions.
Right, this is what I observed.
This is what I tell myselfabout what I observed.

(17:55):
Right, my friend walked in thedoor and walked straight to the
television instead of saying hito me.
What I told myself is they're areal jerk and they're really so
selfish and all they caredabout was going to see their
show that they were rushing tosee, and how that made you feel,
or how that made the personfeel.
You build a whole narrative.

(18:16):
Like you said, you have yourown relationship in your mind
with this other person that theymay or may not even know about,
and so it's really important,one of the one of the most
critical things.
Actually, if this is the onlything the listeners took away,
it would be really powerful thatyou really start to take

(18:36):
responsibility and say this toyourself hey look, I'm the only
person 100% responsible for howI think, feel and behave.
The only person 100%responsible for how I think,
feel and behave.
Yeah, I mean to me.
When I really learned to tapinto that truth for myself, I
started paying attention to allthe times I would say things
like you make me, yeah, and wewe all can get caught up in

(19:00):
speaking that way, and thatlanguage tends to be language
that wants to find the blameoutside of ourself for what
we're experiencing.
And this is not to say thatother people don't impact or
influence us, because whenyou're being mindful of your
thoughts, feelings and behaviors, you are also noticing the
impact that your thoughts,feelings and behaviors have on

(19:22):
other people.
You know, no man's an island,so you're taking that into
consideration.

Emma Viglucci (19:28):
Yeah, and when the others have an impact on us,
we could discern how much of animpact we allow that to have.
Is it something that we want totake on, or is it something
that we need to soothe orregulate and address and do
whatever we have to do with it?
So for sure, we are in chargeof ourselves.
We're the masters of our ownselves, yeah, the bosses of
ourselves, or whatever we wantto call them.
Yeah, so good.

(19:49):
So then, what might be somethings you think that trip up
couples, like roadblocks orunhealthy habits?
So some things that couples.
They might be fine, they're onthe high in the relationship and
all of a sudden that wave came.
Like what might those things be?

Victoria Sotelo (20:06):
Yeah, I mean, look, these are so uh, varied,
it depends, you know, they're sospecific to relationships, but
we know some strong ones, right?
Yeah, we know that couples arereally conflicted, uh, with
phone and social media use.
It's become a huge topic.
Um, I, I face it day in and dayout where couples don't know

(20:28):
how to get the attention oftheir partner.
They're really struggling toknow, hey, is my partner looking
at their phone because they areengaged in something important,
or have I just become the 10thitem of value to them in their
life right now?
And their YouTube videos aremore important, you know.
Or their cat, you know.
So you really are strugglingwith something that basic these

(20:51):
days in relationships whereyou're really not sure how to
unplug to stay connected.
That can, that can trigger lotsof people, because what that
does is it starts to triggerthis core need that we have to
just be chosen and included.
It's a very natural thing thatwe want to be chosen and valued
and included in the people'slives that we love.

(21:13):
So that can become a bigroadblock.
A big roadblock can be busynessCity like New York.
I say, look, we're a city onsteroids.
And if you're not doing and ifyou're not engaging and if
you're not accomplishing, thenwho exactly are you in our city,
right?
And so just the busy life, thehurried life, can become a major

(21:35):
distraction in relationships.
Of course, those big topicslike finances and family and
whether there is healthy sexualconnection or touch in the
relationship or not, those canbecome really problematic in
relationships.
I would say that the fourthhuge one that we're faced with

(21:57):
regularly, if you have childrenin your home, is parenting.
Parenting and how you parentand the expectations you have
poured out onto your children orchild, we can really just start
to trigger all sorts ofchallenges for the couple.

Emma Viglucci (22:17):
Dynamic and really create a lot of
disharmony.
Yeah, so good.
I love all of those.
So, the social media thing andthe phone, oh my goodness, that
comes up in most of theconversations.
So, a hundred percent.
And then, socially, what are weengaged with?
What are the people in ourlives?
How busy are we?
What are we involved in?
Yes, even though we believe ourpartners are top priority, the

(22:39):
way that we operate, we operateas if they are at the bottom of
the priority list, right?
So that's the thing.
And then this last thing thatyou said what was it?
It was my train of thought.
The children, my goodness.
Yeah, so you know what's reallyinteresting.
A lot of couples feel like theythey want to have another child
to feel more connected.

(23:00):
Yeah, no, that is not going tohelp you feel more connected.
You might feel like all thislove for this child, but it's
going to take a toll on yourrelationship because your
attention and your focus andyour energy is going to be even
additionally split.
So that's a challenge that Idon't agree with.
That take, it sounds like youmight, the way that you're
looking, you might, you mightactually agree with that.

Victoria Sotelo (23:20):
well, well, I haven't, I have a, I agree with
you.
I agree that that Well, Ihaven't.
I have a, I agree with you.
I agree that that is definitelya strong thought that when a
couple is feeling thatdisharmony, they can look to
either bringing a child intotheir life or focusing all their
attention on their children totry to get to the harmony or to
somehow diffuse that feeling ofdisrepair that they're in with

(23:43):
their spouse, and so they beginto really pour into this other
person or people that are goingto reward them emotionally, and
children can do that for acertain amount of time.
So, yeah, I think that canhappen.
I do see, on the flip side,though, I do definitely see that
many times in a couple dynamic,a child can be a beautiful

(24:04):
place of finding harmony,because there are some I've seen
some incredible couples parentsso brilliantly and they still
have some really sad and painfulplaces of disconnection in
their own relationship but theyhave some really good core
common goals for their childrenand so they can focus on that
and that can help strengthen apart of their relationship

(24:28):
that's interesting, yeah, so Iagree with that.

Emma Viglucci (24:31):
I think that if the partners are feeling
disconnected, that's challenging, yeah, but of course it might
stabilize the home because theyhave to focus the energies on
the child.
I get that and I alsounderstand that if your
emotional needs are not beingmet and if your affection needs
are not being met, that youmight get those met through your
children or you focus on ontaking care of the children.

(24:53):
Therefore, then it might bringsome harmony to the home.
But I don't know, it's unstable.
I don't know that I would putall my eggs in that basket to
work on the relationship, tofocus on the children.
That feels backwards to me.
But I get that we mightstabilize things if we focus on
something else as opposed to thediscord, but you're not working

(25:13):
on the relationship.

Victoria Sotelo (25:14):
So no, yeah, I think the way that.
Um, if someone is in asituation where they really see
no, no point of connection, I'mthinking about that person, that
person who's listening, who'ssaying I can't find it.
It's so cloudy and murky in mydynamic with my spouse I don't
know where that point ofconnection is.
Sometimes they can find a smallamount of beautiful common

(25:37):
ground in the love that theyshare for their child.
To put all of the eggs in thatbasket would actually be so
unhealthy, not only for thecouple but also for the children
.
Exactly Right.
And the other main roadblock Ithink we're really facing today
in our lives is our own negative, ruminating thoughts.
You know that is a place of aninternal mindset that can become

(26:01):
a huge roadblock to health,even if the other relationships
are starting to shift shift andthere are some changes if we're
trapped in negative orruminating, toxic thoughts,
continuing to replay a past badexperience, continuing, whenever
there's a fight in the here andnow, to pull that thing that

(26:22):
happened a year or five yearsago.
I mean, we've all been guiltyof it if you've been in 10 years
ago more right.
To continue to do that and kindof kitchen sink it or pile it
all up can really become apattern of an unhealthy
relationship dynamic.
So that's another roadblockthat we can face.

Emma Viglucci (26:43):
Yeah, so good.
You know, and I'm going to addto that something that I use a
lot in my writing andconversations and in sessions is
the negativity bias.
Yes, where we just look for allthe junk, we focus on the
things that we don't like, thethings that annoy us, all the
negativity stuff.
So not only ruminating onthings that have been hanging
from before or traumas, hurts,fights, unresolved things, but

(27:06):
also in the moment, which ispick, pick, pick, pick, and we
look for all the bad things Likewhy are we doing that?
We, which is pick, pick, pick,pick, and we look for all the
bad things Like why are we doingthat?
We're not perfect.
If you're looking for something, you will find.
If you're looking for problems,issues, annoyances, you will
find them, because nobody'sperfect.
Don't look for that.
Look for the awesomeness yourpartner's trying, your partner's
devoted to you, your partnerwants to do right by you.

Victoria Sotelo (27:29):
The confirmation bias is huge, right
, we all live with this kind ofconfirmation bias and look, I
wish I had the magic wand thatcould say hey, I don't know why.
Unfortunately, we have a fiveto one ratio where we really
need five positive connectingpoints to discredit or discount
within us at times thesenegative words and ideas that we

(27:51):
have experienced or been a partof in our life.
But we do.
We need that.
So what we have found, over andover research-based right,
science-based research showsthat when you are generous with
your positive thoughts, whenyou're generous with your
gratitude for another person, ifyou can only find the smallest

(28:14):
external thing hey, thank youfor getting my coffee.
Thank you that when I ran outof you know milk, it was there
the next day and I didn't askyou.
Thank you for that.
Sometimes that's all you can bethankful for.
There's nothing deeper to bethankful for.
In a certain moment, you're tooblocked.
You start wherever you're atand you begin to sit even just

(28:41):
for one moment before you putyour feet on the ground in the
morning and just find one thingto be thankful for my.
You know, I have a Jewishfriend who's very involved in
his faith and he has let me hearsome of his prayers that he
reads and he says he had.
They have in their prayer booka morning prayer.
Before they ever get out of bedthey have a morning prayer
where they just say to God,thank you that my soul is alive

(29:05):
still and my breath is in mestill, kind of thing.
And I was so, yeah, I wasactually like wow, kind of thing
.

Emma Viglucci (29:14):
And I was so, yeah, I was actually like, wow,
what a beautiful thought tocrystallize.
Beautiful, yeah, so good.
You know, all of that is sopretty and just for the
listeners in terms of thatappreciation.
And, yes, we might have anegativity bias where we focus
on all the negative things andthen we have a confirmation bias
where we look to confirm.
I'm like you know, my partnersucks, let me go confirm it.

(29:35):
So we have all these biases,right.
But so to reprogram, to helpreprogram that, I had an
integration experience that wentout last month and just some
other content around this justexpanding the appreciation and
the gratitude practice,appreciating the differences,
why they are good, right.
So there's all kinds of thingsabout that in the podcast, on

(29:56):
the blog, on our membership site.
Just look for those.
If you're looking to mypartner's really getting on my
nerves, there's nothing toappreciate.
If you're feeling like that orlike you know, gosh, we're doing
all the things right, we wantto take it to the next level, I
don't know how.
I just need a little pick me up.
This integration experiencewill rock your world and it will
help you expand with the threedifferent levels of appreciation

(30:19):
where you could look for whatwe're talking about here, that
depth.
So you could shift the energy,you could shift the focus, you
could shift the mindset thatwill revive those loving vibes.
So go check it out if you'reinterested.

Victoria Sotelo (30:33):
Yeah, I love that.
I love that you're putting thisout here to engage in this
gratitude practice.
It's beautiful and sometimeswe're looking for something so
profound in our current culture,but really the basics work.
They work really well.
What I have found as I've beencreating these practices of

(30:57):
gratitude, paying attentionevery day to where I can say
thank you to my husband, to mychildren you know, the
confirmation bias starts workingon the other side where now I
can confirm with lots of datathese are beautiful, good,
lovely people.
Right, they have.
And I love.

(31:17):
I love what you said about youknow, even stretching your mind
to, to pull back and say we aredifferent here.
How could this help?
I actually have a reallypractical point that helped.
That helped me when I did that.
My husband and I are quitedifferent human beings.
I'm Greek and Italian, born inNew York, big family.

(31:40):
He's Colombian.
We're both really passionatepeople, but he's more of an
introvert and I talk to think alot of times right, and so for
years I couldn't really get likehis kind of.
He was so much more hard topenetrate and I thought that was
a negative thing.
For a long time I thought, wow,like I can't get through to him

(32:02):
.
Sometimes I don't know how todo it, but what I learned over
time, especially being in a citylike New York, is he's
brilliant, he's a, he's a firstresponder, he is able to show up
because he has this kind ofstrong layer.
It helps him in his life andhe's taught me to be able to not

(32:24):
let every single emotion comein and go out.
And I now appreciate it.
Right now I say to him wow,you're, you're so amazing that
you're able to do that.
Can I learn from you?
It used to bother me because Ifelt like it was the place I
couldn't reach him, but once Istarted to appreciate it, then
it was something I could loveabout him.

Emma Viglucci (32:45):
That's so good.
Yes, I could totally relateDitto.
I should say Because I'm thepassionate one, I'm the outgoing
one.
I'm say, because I'm thepassionate one, I'm the outgoing
one, I'm like la, la, la, youknow, and my husband is so even
keel stoic, you know, like, likesolid, he's the rock, you know,
and, and you're right.
So we've been together for avery long time as well, like
over 30 years, and so initiallyit was like hello, anybody at

(33:08):
home.
You know, like I take offenseto that.
Like you know, like I takeoffense to that, like you know
that's even care.
You know, like this kind ofthings when you're young and
immature and you don't knowbetter.
But over the years that qualityhas really helped him in his
own personal life andprofessional life and I lean on
that.
That is such a strength, right,and if I'm being wobbly and like
emotional and up and down orwhatever that helps me kind of

(33:31):
even kill myself, like I, Icould be a lot more sturdy now,
like you know, a few years ago,and if you get it 30 years ago,
if you get it right, crazy,crazy world over here.
But then like you just learnit's like, oh, let's
self-regulate, let's co-regulate, even yes, and so that is just,
that's a beautiful gift.
Let's have appreciation forthat.

(33:51):
So if you have a partner who'squiet and feels distant, and
feels like they're not there andlike they're not emotional or
excitable or exciting.
There's all the beautifulqualities on the flip side of
that.

Victoria Sotelo (34:03):
Yeah.

Emma Viglucci (34:04):
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely, yeah.
So good, you know, I had onemore thought about that.
It fell out of my head.
It's okay.
So the next thing that wewanted to talk about, aside from
appreciating all thedifferences and why they are a
gift to us, that's what I wantedto say why they are a gift to
us, and just noticing that thedifferences are a gift.
They are there for a reason.

(34:24):
We could benefit from them,like you and I have benefited
from this particular differencethat we just shared.
That's that we just shared.
That's what we could look forin our partners, right, and I
created what is called theromantical appreciation list
that people could play with.

Victoria Sotelo (34:37):
I love it.

Emma Viglucci (34:37):
Let's find other romantical things.
I like all the partnershipthings that we appreciate.
Let's play with this, you know.
Let's focus on the good stuff.
Yeah, yeah, good, perfect, okay.
So then, when we are inrelationship, victoria, and we
are finding that, you know,we're feeling a little stuck,

(34:58):
we're feeling like things arenot working or we might be at
the bottom of that curve right,or the wave just came and we're
a little wobbly, or we fell inthe water.
Yeah, like what might be somethings that could help us in
those moments from ourperspective, not like, oh, oh,
my partner should do this, mypartner should do that, which
we're very good at, that right,but what about how we contribute

(35:19):
any thoughts?

Victoria Sotelo (35:20):
about this.
Yeah, I mean, look, I thinkthat, first and foremost, I love
this free gift that we all haveevery day.
It's with us every morning.
All, all day long, is ourbreath, you know, and I find it
to be one of the most powerfulgifts we've been given.
The moment we take it and wehold it for a moment and we

(35:46):
release it, we begin to start toregulate our body.
And what we understand and knowis that when we do this about
four to six times in a moment ofour day, so quickly that we can
do this, we can actuallynaturally calm our stress
receptors and calm our autonomicnervous system.

(36:07):
Right, I can tell my stomachdigest that food really well, as
much as I want to, and it's notgoing to do it for me.

Emma Viglucci (36:16):
Why not but?

Victoria Sotelo (36:19):
I can tell I can pause, as as basic as this
sounds, you know.
I can pause and just take aninhale for four seconds, take an
exhale for four to five secondsand then repeat that four to
six times and my blood pressure,my body, will regulate itself.

(36:39):
What a gift when we begin to dothat, we can then, in that
pause, we can check in withourselves hey, what's really
going on right now?
Hey, what's really going onright now?
What am I actually irritated by, what am I angry about?
We can do a little self-talkand ask ourselves a curious

(37:04):
question.
The moment we're willing to becurious with ourself, we can
maybe make space to get curiouswith the other person, not from
a sarcastic stance, you know,not from an interrogations
position, but just say hey,what's happening here?
I kind of just came in the roomfeeling great, wanting to sit
and have a time to hang out withyou, and things have really
gone awry quickly.

(37:25):
Sometimes we use the word inour home hey, I think we need a
reset or a rewind.
And sometimes we use it rightin the moment, right and again,
like you said at the onset ofthis, we don't want to talk
robotically or clinically allday long.
We are real life human beings,but using these little phrases
can sometimes, when we'retriggered, redirect us.

(37:47):
Um, I have a dog who'samazing's?
She's an Aussie doodle, but shecan really get hyper focused on
those squirrels outside and Ihave to do a little and when I
do the little she just perks upand pays attention to me and for
me.

Emma Viglucci (38:04):
That that if we could only do that to our
children and our husbands.

Victoria Sotelo (38:07):
Just kidding well well, look I, I work on it
with me, first and foremost.
So what I'm suggesting is look,the moment that one person in a
system decides to shift theequilibrium, the temperature, so
to speak, will shift.
Yes, and, by the way, sometimes, when you're willing to take

(38:29):
that courageous step, it's scarybecause you don't know what the
outcome of the relationshipwill look like if you do start
to pay attention to what isvaluable and meaningful for you.
But what will happen is youwill have a lot of clarity and
you will be able to do it withloving firmness rather than
harshness.
So I think you know one of thethings things, the practical

(38:52):
things that I look to is I lookto the breath and then, once I
look to the breath, I ask myselflike, what do I really value
right now?
And sometimes, if you can'tcome up with anything, it's a
good indicator to be quiet.
You know, I think I heard JohnGottman say uh, maybe it was
Esther Perel as well that youknow my marriage survived

(39:14):
because of the three quarters ofthe things I decided not to say
.
You know, when I was feelingirritable or angry.
Or my marriage survived becauseneither one of us wanted a
divorce, so to speak at the samemoment Right.
And so that other person heldsteady when the other person was
, you know, kind of fledglingall over the place.

(39:35):
So I think it's important to doyour part.
You don't get to do the partfor the other person, but you
get to do your part.
So take your breath.
Take the breath, pay attentionto your core values.
And the last piece is what Ithink we want to spend a little
time talking about, which is youknow, knowing what your vision

(39:56):
is for your here and now andwhere you're headed.

Emma Viglucci (39:59):
Having a clear view of the horizon helps you
know where you're going whenthings with all of that, such
beautiful perspective inownership, because I spoon feed
this Like this is what I dishout, if you may, right, like you

(40:22):
can't change the other person,you can't tell them what to do,
you can't do their work.
Like this is I say this like adnoisium, and so the way that
you explain and share all ofthat is just so gorgeous.
So thank you for thereinforcement and the
reinforcement.
So one thing that's coming upfor me is when we are triggered

(40:43):
and when we are struggling,before we even get to the values
, how might we get out of ourown way?
Like what if we take that deepbreath?
And then what Can we identify?
Like why am I getting stuckhere?
Right, like any thoughts aboutin that moment, to kind of help
reset.

Victoria Sotelo (41:03):
I mean, look, when you pause and take the
breath.
Sometimes you just go rightback into those feelings Like
this is a nightmare, right?
Or I'm frustrated, or that bossis just driving me crazy.
Uh, so you it.
It takes time.
I really think it's criticalfor us to remember that our
brain and our mind, especiallyour mind, which lives inside of

(41:26):
our brain, has muscle memory.
And I look, if you haven't goneto the gym for six months and
you show up, you know, monthseven, day one, you're going to
be feeling it.
If you, if you push yourselftoo hard, right?
So you're going to start slow,steady and consistent, and so
you begin with the breath, getconnected with it, see if you

(41:49):
can get calm.
Once you do that, I like to adda word.
A word that kind of can anchor.
Some people like to empty theirmind, so to speak.
I think that's helpful.
Then you need to decide whatyou're going to fill it with.
So just walking around withyour empty, your mind empty,
just really, you know,unproductive.

(42:10):
There's just too many thingsthat are going to invade we have
trillions of thoughtsconstantly coming and moving
neurons and connectors there inour conscious and subconscious,
and what we really understandnow is that we used to think
that 95% was like in pen andmaybe we could affect 5%.
And you know, over the last 30years, with all the brain neuro

(42:33):
scans and studies, we see that,like 95%, it's in pencil, it is
written, it's there'sepigenetics there, there's
there's narratives that we havecoming in through different
generations, through our family,of origin, experiences, a
wanted and unwanted.
But they don't have to be whatguide our life.
They don't have to control us.

(42:54):
We can actually be controlledby our mind or we can start
learning how to control our mind.
So what I would say is startslow, don't be harsh with
yourself.
You got to offer yourself thatcompassion.
And compassion doesn't say, hey, you can get away with it every
day, no problem.

(43:15):
But it has a sense of kindnessand tenderness to say, okay, I
see why you're here, Iunderstand what informed this
ruminating thought, this fearful, anxious thought.
I get that, but we don't haveto continue to be controlled by
that anymore.
So you pause and you say payattention to your breath.

(43:37):
And then you start to locate,and this piece does take a
little more time.
You start to sit back and justlocate.
You know, what do I value, whatare my core values?

Emma Viglucci (43:47):
So, before we go to the core values, I think that
something in that place, withthat breath, and when we're
feeling stuck and we're agitatedin the moment, I think that
what we wanted to offer was thatis there something that you
could release Right?
Is there something that?
What am I?
How am I contributing to thismoment, like what is happening?
That?

(44:08):
How am I choosing to look at mypartner or at this situation or
at myself?
That's not serving me, that'skeeping me stuck, that keeps
adding wood to my fire, thatkeeps agitating me or creating
anxiety and angst and pain.
How can I let that one go?
Can I look at it differently inany particular way?
Can I own what I'm doing withthat?
And then I could let go of theway that I tend to look at it,

(44:31):
reframe it and let go of thenegative way of looking at it.
So then that's an automaticpeacemaker, like automatic
self-regulation, automaticself-soothing, automatic
transformation.
You could go have all theconversations now, right?
So that's the personalaccountability piece.

Victoria Sotelo (44:46):
Maybe another way of even saying it at times
is giving yourself permission.
Right?
Sometimes we're waiting for adoctor to prescribe us something
or even a therapist to give usthe tip.
The reality is is each of uslive every day with the gift of
freedom.
We have free will, so we have,we can give ourselves permission

(45:09):
to say you know, I know thatnormally when that topic comes
up, I get really frustrated, weget into a fight, I don't talk
to my spouse for the next 24hours or three days, uh, and I
want to do it different thistime.
I mean, you literally have thepermission, just like you have
the permission to wake uptomorrow morning and start a
different routine than you hadyesterday.

(45:31):
You have that permission.
So you have a choice.
You have a choice so in thismoment, I think we could even
sit with.
You know, just from thismorning, before you have
listened to this podcast, hasthere been a negative thought or
experience within yourself thatnobody knows about, or an

(45:52):
interaction with someone else,and would you like to just
release it and say hey, you knowwhat?
I don't want to give that anymore time and attention.

Emma Viglucci (46:01):
I'm not going to go.

Victoria Sotelo (46:03):
Yeah, I'm not going to go vent it out to
someone.
What do you want to do withthat?

Emma Viglucci (46:08):
So to the listeners just heed that for a
second, take that deep breath,identify anything that's that's
getting you your, that'sprickling you, what's happening
there for you.
And if you could make thatchoice now, like you don't have
to sit in anything that youdon't like.
You have a choice, right, yeah,I love that.

Victoria Sotelo (46:27):
Yeah, I love it , I think it's so critical.
I'm actually, while you weresaying it, I was just doing it
with something.
What could I release right nowthat I experienced in the
earlier part of my day?
I had a, I had an uncomfortableconversation today, you know,
at some point and I I kind ofjust said Look, saying in this

(46:48):
moment.
I I kind of just said look,saying in this moment I don't
have to have a big, huge emotionabout this, but I won't be a
betrayal to to yourself if youdecide to not explode.
Yes, you know, I think I thinkthis is an interesting thing
that I've noticed is thatsometimes we have told ourselves
and I'm not sure exactly wherethis message came from for each

(47:10):
person listening but that if youdecide not to make a huge deal
of it, then you're a doormat oryou're being walked all over, or
you know you're not powerfuland strong.
But strength can also look likebeing silent, not because
someone is silencing us, butbecause we're choosing silence.

Emma Viglucci (47:30):
So good, you know something else that another
analogy that might fit well hereis you know, you could be
strong and sturdy and rigid likea tree, but a little bit of
wind comes and you fall over.
But you could decide to beflexible and mindful and present
and you could be like a palmtree.
So the storm comes and you justkind of like, ok, and you could
be like a palm tree.

(47:50):
So the storm comes and you'rejust kind of like, okay, love
that, and then I love whatyou're saying.
It doesn't mean because youchoose not to engage.
It doesn't mean that you'regiving your power away.
If anything, you're like I'mnot engaging in nonsense, I'm
not giving my power away, it'sjust the opposite.

Victoria Sotelo (48:02):
It's just the opposite.
You know we actually give ourattention and our energy to
things that we don't want toexpand, and what we know is that
what we give our energy to itdoes expand.
We know that we can.
We've all experienced it, soit's really making a conscious.
Let me tell you something, in afamily with Greeks and Italians

(48:24):
, that there was no.
There was no shortage of loudconversations in my home.
You needed to have three tofive points why any thought was
important.
Right, you needed to make sureyou had the Socratic method in
mind, and you're going to defendit and, and and sometimes the
choosing to be quiet or notengaging.

(48:44):
You could feel like the weakperson in the room, and so you
really have to again.
This is why it's so importantto do some of this work on your
own to quiet your mind, calmyour heart and then decide how
you want to show up.
And if you find that you'rebeing swayed or pushed, take a
step back for a minute.

(49:05):
That's right.

Emma Viglucci (49:07):
That's right, very good, and that's okay to do
.
Yeah, I love that.
You said before that you guysuse in your home something like
okay, let's reset, or somethinglike that, something that I use
my husband and my daughter usesslightly differently, but
something that I know that I usecause I'm the more emotional
one in my family, so I'm the onethat has to use it more.
They're both even keels, like Iwouldn't even know if there was
a heartbeat.

(49:27):
You know, just kidding, but forme it's like okay, oh so if
they're saying stuff and I'mgetting triggered, or if I'm
trying to get my needs met, I'mtrying to have a conversation
and I'm not getting the responseor the engagement that I would
like and and I know that I'mgoing to be going to funky
places I might say somethinglike you know what I need a
minute.
Or if they're trying to engagewith me in a way that I'm like

(49:48):
that's not what I wanted, orit's not going the right way, or
what the hell are you doing, orwhatever, then I might be like
you know what I actually need aminute.
Let me think about this, right.
And if they keep coming forsome reason, if they don't
respect that as a boundary or asa pause.
If they can't hear it, I shouldsay then I might be a little
more explicit.
I listen like you know what I'mgetting triggered.
Let me just think about thisand then then let me just come

(50:08):
back to you in a few minutes orin a little while.
Yeah, beautiful, right.
Like why are we go?
Why are we going to go?
Tit for tat, bad heads, are youescalate?

Victoria Sotelo (50:16):
Like no, you know we could do that's a waste

(50:37):
of time, so for sure, very, verynice.
Now let's go back to the valuesthing.
I love that you were startingto have to bring that into the
conversation.
Can you say a little bit morespecifically about how to
identify values?
Yeah, let's think about thatfor a moment.
You know, before we get to ourcore values, there's this really
strong idea that every humanbeing has been gifted with just
innate things.
Right, you came into this worldand you have certain core
internal needs and those needswill sometimes show up
externally.
They will often be sought afterto be, to be valued, um, to be

(51:13):
touched in non-sexual ways thatjust mean, you know, we have
affection in our life, um, in inour, in our world.
I think a lot of times touchgenerally gets equated that, oh,
that's going to be sexual andit's going to lead to sex.
Yeah, and so often we'll evensee and you may have experienced
this yourself, I know I have atseasons of my own marriage

(51:34):
where, um, I would even withholdtouch, uh, because I knew it
was going to be a, a pathway inmy husband's mind to being
sexual and I had to really shutthat thinking down and change it
, that I need to give a hug or akiss, even if I'm not going to
be sexual.
That is a form of being sexualsometimes, but there's also

(51:57):
times where it's just affection,it's not a touch.
We all need to be chosen andincluded.
Every human life needs to feelmeaning and purpose and this is
a huge one.
At this season of life, at thistime in life really
understanding, when you cancompare your life to a million
different people at any secondon, you know, on X or Twitter,

(52:20):
on, on, on YouTube, on yoursocial media, it's really
challenging.
It's to feel a sense of purposeand meaning.
Even if you're at the top ofyour career, you could be at the
highest place, that place youwanted to achieve more than
anything else, and you can havethat ache inside of yourself.
Does this really matter, right?

(52:41):
You could invest yourself for10, 30 years in something and
you walk out the door of acompany or of a business, a
relationship, and it doesn'tseem like it was of any meaning
or purpose.
So core values, I believe, arereally first and foremost.
You have to tap into whatmatters your sense of meaning

(53:13):
and purpose in life.
So your core values come fromwho you see yourself as, and
then who you want to be inrelationship to others Perfect.

Emma Viglucci (53:17):
So a couple of things with that.
The way that I was hearing youand receiving all of those
beautiful values, or the termsthat you use to describe them,
they landed for me as needs.
In my mind, I'm making adistinction between values and
needs.
So these are things that I'mgoing to need to survive or to

(53:37):
be okay, to be well.
Values are things that I wantto live by in my mind, right?
So that's how I'mdistinguishing that, and so I
think that both are extremelyimportant in relationships and
and interactions.
So, ok, how do we get our needsmet Everything that you
mentioned and then what is thefilter for the values?
How do we filter?

(53:59):
How do I get those needs met?
What's appropriate, what's notappropriate?
Right, because I could getthose needs met in all kinds of
weird ways and so they're notaligned with my values of what's
right for me or for humans orfor you know, morally or
whatever.
So just just playing with thatfor ourselves, like what is our,
what are our standards, whatare our parameters to, to more,

(54:20):
our morals to live by, what arethe expectations?
And then how do we get ourneeds met?
Filtering through that so thatwe get them met in a way that
aligns, because we could getneeds met, filtering through
that so that we get them met ina way that aligns, because we
could get needs met in funkyways and that doesn't, we're not
happy at the end of the day.

Victoria Sotelo (54:35):
Well yeah, there's no cohesion.
There are, there are momentswhere, what are more, we have a
moral, if we have a moralcompass, right, so to speak.
Yeah, and the moral compass issaying, hey, here's, here's the
place where you're going to befeeling like you're thriving in
life.
Right, you can meet your needsthat you believe you have in all

(54:56):
sorts of ways that areunhealthy or dysfunctional or
even pathological.
Right, you can.
And so we see that and that canhappen to any one of us at any
given moment of life.
And sometimes we're looking toan addiction to meet a need.
Right, we're looking to anotherrelationship, an external

(55:16):
relationship from the ones thatwe're in.
We cut all the people in ourlife out that we know and search
for someone else who doesn'tknow us, so we can be something
completely brand new.
I mean, this can easily happennow, like you don't have to.
Really, these opportunities, Ilike to.
They come to you actually, andso you really do, at this moment

(55:38):
in history, have to have yourfeet kind of rooted.
I think it's really essentialto think about what roots you.
For me, I have a really strongspiritual center in my life and
that spiritual center roots mebecause I recognize, because of
that spiritual center that thereare only certain things other

(55:59):
human beings can send cansatisfy right Humans.
Other human relationships canbring satisfaction to my life,
but when I look to my husband ormy children or my work to be
the sole source of satisfactionfor me, I really start to get
depleted and overwhelmed andfrustrated, right.

(56:21):
So that's for me, that's areally important thing, and
every everybody maybe comes froma different place, but checking
in like, well, do I have amoral compass and where do I
source that from?
Where are my beliefs beingformed from?
As much as we want to believethat we're just coming up with

(56:42):
these things on our own, we'revery influenced by our culture,
our socioeconomic standing, byour sex.
You know whether we came intothis world as male or female,
what family of origin we have.
These messages shape us.
So that's a big place, yeahtotally.

Emma Viglucci (57:04):
And so I love that, because if you are meeting
the need for connection andlove by having an affair, but
your value is to be loyal and tobe a good husband or wife, then
you're shooting yourself on thefoot Right, so definitely tying
those things in in a way thatyou really have your own back in
your partner's back at the endof the day Gorgeous.

(57:25):
And I love the icing on thatcake, which was that the values
need to be grounded somewhere,spiritually or whatever it is
for you.
And, yes, and everything else,all the other influences, that
would all be repatterned, allthose beliefs, whatever, all the
things are impacted andinfluenced, how we are formed,

(57:45):
could all be revisited andreprogrammed.
And it's really interestingbecause I like to say and I
borrow this from Joe Dispenza,who says that we're just a habit
.
Everything about us is a habit,like the way that we think, the
way in our thoughts create ourbrain chemistry, our neurology,
our biology, like just even ourbodies, like we could reprogram

(58:07):
everything.
Like everything about us is ahabit.
We are a big old habit, so wehave to make choices right and
we have to be intentional.
That's how we create our life.
Otherwise, we live in life bydefault, and not a happy one,
potentially so from there.
Then you mentioned the vision,right?
So then how do you use thisstuff to create a relationship
vision?
And then what?

(58:28):
What do we do with that?

Victoria Sotelo (58:29):
Yeah, so, um, one of the things that I love to
do with my clients is a, avision kind of exercise where I
encourage couples to sit withone another to just brainstorm
about really key things that areimportant to them, right
Generally three things that areimportant to them, right

(58:51):
Generally.
Some general things that comeup for many people are their
family, how they use money, whatmoney represents to them and
how they use it with each other,and do they want to have an
external locus of focus withtheir generosity, right, nice,
yes, we think about what theyvalue.
Do they have any core beliefs,from maybe a spiritual practice

(59:13):
to strong beliefs that they havetaken from maybe their culture
even, and do they want toutilize these?
A lot of times, couples arethinking about wanting to be
adventurous and fun and playful,and how do you incorporate that
with responsibilities that youhold dear to yourself?

(59:34):
Yeah, so you kind of take sometime to brainstorm about those
things.
What do I think about my family?
What do I think about finances?
What do I think about any kindof spiritual practice or life
practice?
How do I do that with myselfand at what point do I want to
extend that out to others in mylife or in my circle of

(59:55):
influence, and then you seewhere you can match that up.
And sometimes you and yourspouse will write all sorts of
things down, write them slightlydifferently, but they're about
the same thing.
Right, we want to be in atrusting relationship where
there's space to have conflictand communicate about it.
Right, we want to be connectedto each other's dreams Maybe not

(01:00:18):
all of each other's dreams, butwe want to have a core dream
that we're moving towardstogether.
So you think about it that way,and then what you do in the end
is you end up with a visionstatement, and this vision
statement really becomes asentence that focuses a lot of
your core values that you do seeeye to eye about.

(01:00:39):
You may have some that you'renot going to be able to really
practically move towardstogether, but when you find this
common ground, it does tend tocatalyze you to want to be more
accepting, and that's a piece wedidn't talk about earlier, but
I do think that it's a criticalpiece.
You know, at the point where westart accepting where our power

(01:01:02):
exists, but also the limits ofour own human power, then we
have a lot of peace, own humanpower, then we have a lot of
peace when I, when I start torealize, or you start to realize
, that, hey, I can influenceother people with my responses,
with my thoughts and mybehaviors, but I can't make
decisions for those other people.

(01:01:22):
That's right, right.
So when we accept thedifferences, then we're actually
able to live with more harmonyand we're able to pursue a core
vision together.
Love it.
And one other thing I think isreally helpful this is just how
I've done it over the lastdecade, because I have a vision
statement.
But, let's be honest, sometimeswe're not going back and

(01:01:42):
looking at that, even astatement that we've come up
with.
But what I do encourage peopleif they do take the time to make
it, put it somewhere, post itsomewhere, even have it as a
reminder that shows up on yourphone once a month.
If you got your phone in yourhand, what we've thought about

(01:02:04):
is even trickling that furtherdown to just a word.
And so for the last decade, Ijust really encourage my clients
hey, even if you don't have astatement, or you do, is there
one word every year that youcould pay attention to and start
to think about yourselfpsychologically, biologically,

(01:02:25):
socially, culturally, sexually,spiritually, from this word and
see what you learn, see whereyou're strong and where you're
really making some matureadvances in your life.

Emma Viglucci (01:02:39):
I love that.
So that's interesting, becauseI do the same thing.
I do find that I use the focusword every year, but I never
looked at it the way that youjust described.
That's just so gorgeous.
It takes it to the next leveland that is like, oh, let me
filter all aspects of myselfthrough this word.
Wow, that's just super powerful, and for the audience and even
for us, just so we're not aboveanybody.

(01:03:00):
Just to reinforce this formyself I'm going to speak for
myself, not for you that we'realways in progress.
Right, so we're perfect as weare, because if this is the
moment in time that we are andthis is how we're supposed to be
right now, but we are limitedby our human experience, and
then how do we continue tobecome more of the fullness of

(01:03:22):
who we are?
So that's kind of the messagethat I keep sharing, I guess.
Yeah, and so this means that,okay, what is my version of like
, what is it that I want to dofor next year?
How do I want to show up betteras the wife, as a mom, as a
therapist, as a human, whateverall the roles and also invite
others into that, because then,as a collective, we continue to

(01:03:44):
become better.
So that's part of the messageand of course, I try to bring
that within my home and I don'tforce any of this.
So for those of you who arelistening, this is the message
that I wanted to fine tune.
If you are the person that'sVictoria and me in your home and
your family or your partner islike eh, because that happens a
lot, right.
So, like I see it, even in thecouples therapy, One partner is

(01:04:05):
all into stuff like this,another one isn't.
That's totally cool.
But just know that even if youshift your energy a little bit,
even if you change your approacha little bit, even if your
words shift a little bit, or ifyou just bring some new concept
into your own mind, that it justpercolates Like just you
shifting yourself, like we saidearlier, it helps shift all the
things.

(01:04:25):
So just worry about worry, orbe mindful of, intentional about
you, yeah, and all the otherthings will fall into place as
well.
If you're having a hard time,like, well, my partner won't do
any of these fun things with me,it's okay.

Victoria Sotelo (01:04:36):
Yeah, it's not where you're at.
I'm happy you brought that upbecause you know that's more
likely the dynamic in mostrelationships right, there tends
to be one person with astronger desire for motivational
, catalystic kind of change,right, and the other partner's
like can we just go and have aslice of pizza together?

(01:04:57):
Right, we don't want to come upwith a word and have a vision
statement and, look, I thinkit's so important to be
practical relationally and toremember if you're in what I
would hope would be a lifelongrelationship, right, then all
the change doesn't need tohappen right now.
You know it doesn't?

Emma Viglucci (01:05:19):
How do we activate a shift?
How do we inspire ourselves,how do we inspire our partner?
How do we reprogram some things?
So we're going long here.
So if we could do a quicktakeaway in terms of how do we
apply that idea to the holidaysthat are coming up and to
relationship rituals so we canenrich the relationship and

(01:05:41):
invite yumminess and higherlevels of relating with our
partner and creating therelationship that we want.

Victoria Sotelo (01:05:48):
I think it's really important to stay simple
with what you're going toimplement.
Take one thing, and if that onething is for the next, you know
seven days, I'm going to take abreath and while I'm breathing
in the morning, I'm going tofocus on one word that I can be
thankful for Do that.

(01:06:09):
That will activate the mind andas you build muscle mass in
your mind, you'll be able tolayer.
The brain loves to layer, itreally does.
So you can layer how you growthat, that, that experience and
that practice which will becomethe habit.
So I would say those things arereally the place to activate,

(01:06:32):
to shift in those moments, inthose little moments you give
yourself.
And then the last piece isreally where you're
reprogramming.
And the reprogramming is likeas simple as hey, my computer
works great and I noticed thatthere's a little virus in this
app.
Hey, I'm going to delete thatapp, so to speak.
I'm going to delete thatthought, I'm not going to give

(01:06:53):
myself permission to keepthinking about it all day and
I'm going to engage myselfsomewhere else, productive.

Emma Viglucci (01:06:59):
Oh, I love it Very, very, very, very pretty.
So I would add that for theholidays, I would encourage the
listeners, if this resonates forthem, to think about what is
meaningful for them, whattouches their hearts and what do
they think will touch theirpartner's hearts, and investing
in that.
Because a lot of times itbecomes all about the material

(01:07:21):
things, the doing, the food, the, just the making of the holiday
, but not really of the feelingof the holiday.
So I would encourage people tofeel and approach the holidays
from a place of how can I enrichmy relationship, how can I
nurture myself, my partner, therelationship, and focus on that

(01:07:42):
versus so much on the otherstuff.
So that activation right, justto enrich, to inspire, to shift
to up-level what we focus on,because we focus too much on the
low vibration things, thematerial, the doing, the
da-da-da-da supposed to like,the feeling, the giving, the
compassion, the generosity right, just giving of ourselves, not

(01:08:02):
just stuff.
And then for the rituals, whatI would add is like if people
could think about how do I wantthe new year to start, what kind
of rituals do I want to bringinto the new year so I have a
richer relationship in 2025.
2025, quarter of a century guys.
Fabulous, right, so let's turnthe page.
What do we want that to looklike?

(01:08:24):
How am I going to show up withmy best self?
What are my best self feelslike looking like in 2025?
What kind of rituals do I wantto have?
What does the rituals look self?
What are my best?
self feels are looking like in2025?
What kind of rituals do I wantto have?
What does the rituals look like?
What might a morning rituallook like with my partner?
It could be morning coffee.
You guys have heard me talkabout this before, but just to
reinforce it, morning coffee.
Let's connect, let's set anintention.
Why don't we touch base duringthe day?

(01:08:44):
My husband and I do this.
What does your schedule looklike?
What does your schedule looklike?
And we find gaps during the day.
To connect Nighttime, what isthe sleep hygiene?
What is the couple part of that?
Just little places, and we callthis connection habits.
So how do we build that in intothe practice, into the lifestyle

(01:09:05):
, so we could enrich ourrelationship and really up-level
how we're living and it's notjust so monotonous and grindy
that we tend to experience ifwe're not intentional.
Yeah, and then the last thoughtI love that you offer about the
ruminating thing and justwatching your mind.
Yes, please watch your thoughts.
Your thoughts are so powerful.
You're creating your realityLater.

(01:09:26):
You mentioned before what.
I forget what words you use,victoria, but the way I
translate that, or the way thatI usually use it, is like where
you focus on growth, you use theword expand.
I think, yeah, expand, yeah,right.
So when you focus on growth, sodon't focus on the crap.
Focus on the good.
There's always crap, right.
Why are we going to focus on?
That?
Doesn't mean that you live inLa La Land and you ignore things

(01:09:50):
that you have to address.
That's not what we're talkingabout.
We're saying don't fuel that.
Yes, do what you got to do, butfocus on the blessings.
There are plenty of good, yummythings in there and, as you
guys know, if you work with usprivately, we start all of the
sessions with appreciation.
So you know, even when you feelthe most bad, that you still
find appreciations right.

Victoria Sotelo (01:10:18):
So this is contagious, it really is right.
Just like negative thoughts canbe contagious, you know,
positive thinking and andshowing up and taking
responsibility and beingaccountable.
It is contagious.
The people around willsometimes resist it, so be
prepared for that.
Steady yourself in that.

(01:10:38):
You know that kind of resolvethat, hey, this is a beautiful,
good thing and I want to stay onthis course.
But there's not always going tobe positive encouragement on
the course.
So, you know, have that, thatresistance in your spirit.
That's in a good direction,like perseverance, resilience in
your inside of you and, yeah, I, I really appreciate it.

(01:11:01):
Thank you for allowing me tocome and be a part of this
conversation with you.

Emma Viglucci (01:11:06):
I so enjoyed having you on.
I love your perspectives, Ilove your energy, I love how
your wisdom right and yourinsights and, of course, all
your clinical know-how.
But you're just such abeautiful person.
Any last last second messagethat you want to leave the
audience with for the holidaysand for the new year, oh.

Victoria Sotelo (01:11:27):
I think you know what I love to tell people
is love one another well,because love works.
It really does and it's worththe.
It's worth the journey.
It's not always an easy journey.
It's, it's messy, it'suncomfortable at times to learn
how to love well, but it'sreally worth taking that journey
.
And in a world where I think alot of people have been

(01:11:49):
disappointed and discouraged andwounded even by the people they
love, I just I want to remindpeople that being generous with
forgiveness is also your gift.
You have the permission toforgive and to release a debt
over other people in your life,and this is a powerful way to

(01:12:09):
enter a new year and a new day.
Every day you have anopportunity to release the debt
over somebody throughforgiveness, whether they're
open to that or not.
You have that freedom.

Emma Viglucci (01:12:23):
But you could do that.
It doesn't matter what they'redoing.
Yeah, so good, my goodness.
So, so wise.
So it was a pleasure.
Thank you so much for sharingtime with you.

Victoria Sotelo (01:12:33):
I really appreciate you and give yourself
to your clients, but alsoresource people so that they can

(01:12:53):
have these tools outside of thetherapy practice that we care
about how people are living ingood ways and healthy ways.
So thank you for yourcommitment to that.

Emma Viglucci (01:13:01):
Oh, thank you so much for acknowledging.
I really appreciate that.
Thank you, love, and to theaudience.
I will see you at the next one.
Bye.