March 26, 2025 • 44 mins
In today’s episode, Emma reviews the Reset Patterns Formula™ (AKA: The Fuel Equation). Through this powerful framework we can reset our mental, emotional, and behavioral patterns. Emma shares the difference between the reactive vs the responsive cycle. And walks us through what each looks like and who to work with them. She shows us how to identify the patterns that keep us stuck in each aspect of the equation. And she also walks us through how to reprogram them to free ourselves form repeating hurting and sabotaging patterns. This is a whole process in itself. An episode not to be missed!
Hope you enjoy it!
*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, info about the guest, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY CONNECTED:
Facebook | Instagram | LinkedIn | X | Pinterest | YouTube
DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
I'm going to be covering how todo a spring reset, meaning how
do we reprogram and let go ofall the things that no longer
serve us so that we could reallyset ourselves up for a new
beginning and a refresh and afresh start.
(00:20):
So the way that I want topresent this topic for you today
is that I'm going to share withyou what I call the fuel
equation.
Now, this concept is notnecessarily new the framework
itself but I've added a bunch ofdifferent layers and different
concepts to it to make it richerso that we could really use it
(00:41):
for a transformative process.
Now, the basics of it is thatthoughts lead to feelings, lead
to actions.
I'm going to show you how wecan reprogram each of those
areas so that you can get rid ofall the layers, all of the
fences, all of the patterns thatare holding you back, so that
(01:03):
you can rocket, launch into yournew beginning.
So this fuel equation will helpus either rocket forward or
this fuel is going to justexplode and crash us and we're
not going to get where we wantto go.
We're going to use this formulato our benefit, so that we
could have our own back and dothe deprogramming,
(01:24):
deconditioning, the patterning,so that we get rid of all the
things that keep us down, muteus, cover our brilliance, hold
us back from our highestpotential.
Okay, so, without further ado,this is what we're going to do.
First, I'm going to share aboutthoughts.
Why are they important?
What kind of thoughts hold usback, and what do we need to do
(01:47):
there to clean that up so thatthen the rest of the formula
operates cleaner?
So I'm going to talk about howeach of these areas can be dirty
or laden with things that don'tserve us, and then how to clean
up each area so that you havethe fuel equation working for
(02:08):
you, in your favor.
Okay, so this is the part ofthe formula, the way that we
usually do it, that doesn'treally work.
Okay, so this is the part thatwhen we get triggered, there's
like an automatic ripple effect.
A trigger happens and thisthing cascades and we could be
very triggered and nothing goodcomes of it.
So I'm going to show you howthat happens.
(02:28):
Or something could happen andwe could be in a different place
and then a different rippleeffect happens.
So I'm going to walk youthrough both processes the
trigger version and the moreintentional, conscious version.
Okay, so this is the triggerversion, the thoughts.
The thoughts can be, as we know,pretty unruly, right Our mind,
(02:52):
if we're not in charge of it,can run the show and create some
havoc if we are not guiding itor if we're not in charge of it.
So we could have things likedistorted thoughts, things like
personalization,over-identification, blaming,
projecting, over-generalizing,black and white thinking, like
(03:14):
all those kinds of things.
There is a few it's like about12 of them that sometimes if we
start paying attention, we willsee that, oh, our thinking is
pretty dirty.
This has like a lot ofdistorted thinking, like a lot
of ways that we're not neat inour thinking process.
So we're going to watch out forthose.
(03:37):
Then we have things likelimiting beliefs.
Those have to do with programsthat got installed by the way we
were parented, raised and justby cultural norms that are
really limited, like they holdus back, they inform what we
believe is acceptable, doable,reasonable, and this is not even
(04:05):
that conscious.
I said that we believe, but wedon't, really we don't sometimes
we don't even know that thesethings are running in the
background, right, a lot oftimes we don't, that these
things are subconscious.
So part of this process todayis to help you bring these
things forward so you canrecognize, like, oh, I actually
don't think I'm lovable, or thatI'm worthy of love, or that I
(04:26):
could get love, or that I couldtrust that I'm going to get love
, like that kind of stuff.
Like it's so ingrained we don'teven realize it Logically, we
know better, right, butsomewhere there's a program
there that is playing out, andthis is the things that we want
to root out and get rid of withthis new season.
This is the things that we wantto root out and get rid of with
(04:46):
this new season.
So those limiting beliefs andthey could be about anything.
They could be about marriage,they could be about intimacy,
sexual intimacy.
They could be about food, theycould be about money, they could
be about the world, aboutpolitics, about what's possible,
about success, aboutachievements, about our
capabilities, about our body,like about anything right.
And so it would be importantfor us to go through the list
(05:10):
and say what is my programming?
What do I believe about all thethings, what is really sitting
there?
So I'm going to walk youthrough a process as we go, so
for now I'm just showing you thedifferent things that are
sitting there.
So so far we had the distortedthoughts, we had the limiting
beliefs.
Then we have negativity bias.
(05:30):
Negativity bias is a survivalmechanism that is built into the
way that our brain is wired toprotect us from danger.
Because we live in a much moremodern world nowadays we don't
have nature coming at us to eatus, we're not food for
prehistoric animals andtherefore we don't have the same
(05:51):
danger that we used to haveonce upon a time.
And the dangers now are more inour head or we have more modern
kind of concerns, but they'renot really life-threatening, and
so we want to make sure that weclean that up.
(06:11):
Whatever lens we have runningthat makes us see things from a
negative angle, from a cautiousangle, from a distrust angle,
from a protective angle, rightwhen we assume the worst and we
expect the worst.
That's the negativity bias.
This shows up so much inrelationship, where we make the
assumptions that our partner'sout to get us or we assign
(06:34):
motives to them, like everythingthat they do is to hurt us or
to annoy us or to get on ournerves, right, so we might not
think that logically, we mightnot be aware that we might be
thinking that at some level,that we've taken things
personally, or that we areassuming that they did something
on purpose.
A lot of times they don't.
Sometimes they do.
(06:54):
I mean, you know, like I'm notgoing to claim that our partners
are perfect, but a lot of timeswe make assumptions and we
assign negative motives to ourpartner.
That's one of the simplestthings that I could kind of
share how this plays out, but itshows up everywhere, so
something to keep in mind.
And then we have scripts.
(07:16):
We have narratives right, thestories that we tell about our
history, our story, ourbackground, who we are, what
we're capable of, what we're notcapable of, all the things that
we believe.
Our story, our background, whowe are, what we're capable of,
what we're not capable of, allthe things that we believe the
story about our relationship andour partner, how things are,
why things are the way they are,who our partner is.
We have all the stories right.
(07:36):
So there's a bunch ofcategories in this, just in
thinking that play out, and alot of them we might not be
aware of.
So again, I'm going to repeatthem, list them, so that you
know which of these, potentiallyyou have to play with and clean
up.
So, again, we have distortedthoughts, we have limiting
(07:58):
beliefs, we have a negativitybias and we have scripts and
narratives and stories.
So that's a lot of if that'sthe only thing I share with you
today.
That's a lot of work in and ofitself, right, but I'm going to
walk you through the rest ofthis equation how we do it wrong
, how it gets us, and then fromthe trigger place and then the
(08:20):
intentional and consciousversion of this and processes
and little things that you coulddo to get from the reactive to
the intentional and consciousand responsive version.
Okay, so now we're going tomove on to the next level of the
fuel equation.
The next one is feelings.
Now, with feelings.
People sometimes have a hardtime with feelings.
(08:41):
The feelings are the enemy,right?
We live in a world where wevalue logic, we value masculine
characteristics, we value thedata, the data points,
information, the numbers, thelogic as we know it and all that
kind of stuff.
We devalue intuition,creativity, creativity is kind
(09:02):
of moving to the other side,thank goodness.
Creativity is kind of moving tothe other side, thank goodness.
But feelings, expression andjust being our feelings and just
showing up with the internalworld, that part it is so rich
(09:27):
in, probably the most importantthing that we have, because
those inform our experience.
The thoughts that we have, allthat thing that we talked, all
the different ways that we thinkand that things are running in
our minds that we talked about,inform how we feel right.
Those things create thefeelings.
This is why it's an equationThoughts lead to feelings.
The feelings create our state,why it's an equation Thoughts
lead to feelings.
The feelings create our stateof being, our experience, how
(09:50):
we're doing right, how we'refeeling.
We tend to minimize that andput it to the side or squash it
or dismiss it or not payattention to it.
We push through, like, whateverwe're feeling.
We're like, eh like, bury itright and keep moving, and we're
doing ourselves.
We're like, eh like, bury itright and keep moving.
And we're doing ourselves adisservice.
Because the feelings are a wayfor us to know how we're doing
(10:13):
and they are a GPS, if you may.
They guide us in terms of likewe're going the right way or the
wrong way, if we should trustsomebody or not trust somebody,
if, in the presence of somebody,we're feeling icky.
That's information.
Feelings carry information.
They're messengers, right?
So if we learn how to translatedifferent feelings, then we
know what the message is.
(10:33):
And then the feeling that it'sjob and he's able to write
through, because now we couldtake care of whatever the
message was.
You see, now in the triggerstate, the feelings that come up
are usually things that gottriggered from childhood, from
wounds, right?
So the feelings that you'refeeling are probably very
(10:54):
familiar.
These are things that keepplaying out underneath somewhere
, that are rooted in things thathappened growing up, that got
programmed earlier on.
Okay, I'm just going to explainit quickly and I'm going to
move on.
I'm not going to make it toopsychobubbly.
So the feelings then carry thisinformation, whether it's old
information or information fromthe moment when we're triggered.
(11:16):
It's kind of old stuff.
Just know that Our job is tosay, okay, what is the message
here?
Regardless if it's old, if it'snew, what is the message?
What is this feeling showing me?
What do I need to do to feelbetter?
Right, in a nutshell, so hereour job is to be aware of the
(11:36):
feelings.
Feelings are not bad.
Even the ones that don't makeus feel good are good, because
they're carrying informationthat we need.
And so, as soon as we tend toit.
Things feel better, thingsalleviate.
So we have the thoughts thatlead to the feelings.
The negative thoughts lead tonegative feelings, right?
(12:00):
Or crooked thoughts and all thefunky things that we do with
the things that I talked about,for thoughts lead to triggered
kind of feelings not feelinggood or feelings that don't feel
so good.
These feelings have to do withthings like anxiety, depression,
worry, nervousness, just kindof like the feelings that are
kind of like intense andnegative and reactive.
(12:22):
Reactive is the word I'mlooking for, so frustration,
anger, being annoyed, like thosekinds of feelings.
It's feelings that are kind ofmore reactionary at the
reactivity level.
So crooked thoughts air quotescrooked feelings, right.
So feelings that kind of feelout of control a little bit and
that have like that edge to itand they're just reactive.
(12:43):
Then we're gonna move on to thenext level of this field
equation, which is behaviors andactions.
So we have thoughts lead tofeelings, which lead to
behaviors.
How we are feeling is whatwe're going to do.
If we're feeling great, we dogreat things.
If we're feeling not so good,we don't do so good things, and
what I mean by that is we mightreach for the drinks, the food
(13:06):
retail therapy, the acting out,the being short with people,
impatient, like just behaviorsthat don't serve us.
So not very good self-care andjust reactivity in interactions
and in a speech and in the waythat we do things, the actions,
the choices that we make, right.
(13:27):
So don't think so good, don'tfeel so good, don't act so good.
In a nutshell.
So that's the reactivityversion of this.
So we get triggered and if wehaven't done much work and,
depending on what state we arein, sometimes we have done work
and the trigger comes and westill operate from this level.
And I just want to say that themore work that we do, the
(13:52):
easier it is not to gettriggered and be at this
reactive level.
Right, but it still happens tothe best of us.
So the point here is that wewant to do some of this work so
we're less reactive and we canoperate from that more
responsive level that takes careof things more smoothly and
takes care of us and we're ableto operate more seamlessly, with
(14:16):
more joy, with more ease, lessreactive, and create the things
that we desire in life.
The top level again is areactive.
Now we're going to move down tothe lower level If we do that
deeper work, we reset this andthen, when we get triggered, we
could operate from a betterplace.
All right, so what does it looklike from the responsive level?
(14:37):
What this means is that we'regoing to do all of that mindset
work.
We're going to clean up thelimiting beliefs.
We're going to address fears Ididn't even break up fears
before, but those are usually inthere just things that we worry
about or that we are afraid of,the distorted thoughts.
(14:57):
We're going to reprogram thisnegativity bias.
We're going to clean up ourscripts and our stories.
So there's a lot of differentthings that we could do here.
When we reprogram that nowsomething happens, a trigger
happens or something, an eventhappens that normally would
trigger us.
If we're a little cleaner inour program, in our filter, we
(15:19):
might not think that our partneris doing it on purpose to get
us right.
We might recognize that maybethey're having a hard day, that
maybe something is happening forthem, that maybe they have a
need or they could be reallyreactive and behaving really
poorly.
But doesn't have to kick ourbutt right.
We could still address itproperly because we are solid
and we didn't allow all thenoise in our head and all the
(15:40):
funky filters to inform how wethink of what's happening.
So some clues as to, or somesuggestions on, how to do this
cleaning up.
Okay, I'm going to walk youthrough how to clean some of
this stuff up.
The first thing that you'regoing to do is go through your
(16:00):
mind around your beliefs in allcategories of life money, body,
sex, intimacy, connection, love,marriage, marriage, finances,
children, parenting, keepinghome, hygiene, whatever, like
just anything that you couldthink of, right?
Divide a piece of paper in two,write down categories of
(16:23):
different types of thoughts.
Grab a bunch of thoughts thatyou might have about that
category so relationship, family, finances, career, success,
like things like that.
So make categories and thengrab the thoughts that you have
about that category.
So that's what you can do inone column.
In the next column, you're goingto challenge those thoughts,
right, you're going to writewhat's not true about that, like
(16:47):
that's, you know, like, okay, Ithink I can't trust anybody.
Is that true?
Not really, right?
So you're going to really getdiscerning here.
Don't allow the scripts tostill keep playing.
You're going to step back fromyour scripts and really be
discerning about what's realityand what's a construction, and
so you're going to clean all ofthem up and when you do this, be
(17:10):
really intentional, like setthe tone, set the mood, put your
candle on, put your soft musicon, be in the proper state of
mind to go deep and grab all thestuff that's sitting there.
Don't just do a superficial runthrough, because you might not
grab the things that are sittingthere and you're cheating
yourself of the process of theopportunity to clean stuff up.
All right, so go as deep as youcan.
(17:30):
And a way to go deep is to say,okay, what do I believe about
marriage?
Is that really true?
What else do I believe?
What else do I believe?
What else do I believe?
Do I believe that marriagetakes away my freedom or do I
believe that marriage is apartnership to have an amazing
human experience?
An amazing human experience,right?
(17:50):
So you could grab your beliefsabout the concepts and then
you're going to analyze them onthe other column and flush them
out, clean them up what's theword I'm looking for?
Deconstruct them.
You're going to reprogram them.
This is how you reprogram.
You're going to grab all thethings, go as deep as you can,
(18:10):
be honest and truthful andvulnerable.
Get to the bottom of the things.
That's marriage meansself-sacrifice, right?
So just what's sitting therefor you.
And then, on the other column,clean it up as best as you can
and make it more reality basedand I say that lightly, because
what is reality?
So I'm not going to getphilosophical with this, we're
(18:31):
just going to keep it practical.
You can make it reality-basedLike no, that's not really true.
This is how I choose now tolook at marriage.
This is how I want to believein marriage, or what marriage
means, let's say, for example soyou're going to make it more
reality-based, more informedfrom the things that you know,
(18:56):
that you've learned, that you'regrowing into, and choose a new
belief, right, isn't thispowerful?
So that's the way to addressthe limiting beliefs.
You could do the same thingwith scripts, with stories, and
with scripts and with stories.
The negativity bias it takesover more.
For that one and for thedistorted thoughts, you have to
be the police of your own mind.
(19:17):
The negativity bias it's easierin that when you have the
thoughts that are based onnegativity, like that, you won't
feel good.
See, this is how the feeling isinformed too.
So you have like it's not goingto feel right feelings informed
too.
So you have like it's not goingto feel right.
So just listen to your body,listen to what comes up, and
(19:42):
that will let you know that whatyou think is probably not right
.
What and that's one way to belike okay, let me check that Is
that a bias, is that somethingthat it just run to, that I'm
making an assumption and I'massigning a negative motive, and
you catch yourself right andyou bring and you and you clean
it up and you give your partnersome credit and some grace and
(20:04):
some leeway.
And they're also on a journey.
They're also not perfect, butwe have to watch the assumptions
that have our flavor, like thethings are for us and they're
being done to us Now, alsowhether it's intentional or
unintentional.
Sometimes we know that ourpartner is not doing something
intentionally, but we're likethey're doing this thing, even
if they don't know that they'redoing it.
They're still doing it to me.
(20:24):
But are they really doing thatthing intentionally or not?
Or are we looking at it thatway, right?
So that's how you clean up thenegativity bias.
You might want to just make acommitment to watching your mind
and the assumptions that you'remaking and the things that
you're assigning, the motivesthat you're assigning, or you
could do a full-on exercise andjust write it down.
(20:45):
When you write it down, one wayto do this is to review a past,
a recent past either argumentor disagreement, or hurt, or
something that happened andprocess it through this filter,
right?
So run it through and pull outall this stuff that you're like
Ooh, that's, I chose to look atit that way, I chose to look at
that that way, I chose to lookat that that way.
(21:06):
But be honest, right, this ishard, this is not easy to find.
This is why we have therapy.
So see if you can find thesethings on your own.
Okay, this is the whole point.
And then the next one isdistorted thoughts.
And just look at the differentways that, the distorted
thoughts that you're aware oflet me put it that way because I
don't have anything handy togive you and to list all the
(21:27):
different kinds of negative, um,distorted thoughts, but the
ones that you know overovergeneralizing,
personalization, black and whitethinking, just the ones that
you might be familiar with.
See if you catch yourself, youcould do a little research on
your own or just reach out, andthen we could hook you up with
some resources that we haveinternally for this, so that you
(21:48):
could do this one too and catchyour distorted thinking.
See what patterns of thoughtyou usually have that get you,
that hold you back, and sameconcept you've been like well,
no, that's not true.
That's not true.
Right, you're gonna put yourdiscernment in place, your
awareness.
You're gonna clean yourself up.
Bam, you guys play there and beintentional about it, because
(22:10):
when you're intentional, youcould just knock it out right
and then in.
You just keep going throughdifferent rounds of this, but
you'll be much better for it.
For the first round, you'llclean out a lot of gunk and then
you just do tune-ups as you goand then you keep getting better
and better and being clean andconscious.
That's how you do the mindsetshifts and the thoughts cleaning
(22:32):
.
If you do this, you're reallyhaving your own back and taking
care of business.
Okay, so that's how you movefrom reactive thinking and funky
thinking.
That's not going to lead toanything good.
I usually call this gettingyourself on a train and taking a
ride or adding more wood toyour own fire Not good things.
So we're going to get off thatand we're going to go to the
(22:55):
lower level or to a deeper level, I should say, and from that
deeper level, we're going to doall this cleaning up and we're
going to empower ourselves.
We're going to get more sturdy,more grounded, more solid and
we're going to be more who wereally are and not all this
noise that we have in our heads.
All right, perfect, the Allright perfect.
The next one is feelings, andwith feelings, I kind of alluded
(23:18):
to this before when I wasdescribing the purpose of
feelings, that they give usmessages in our internal GPS.
Yes, but the way to work withthis is that you say to yourself
okay, what am I feeling?
Usually, the feelings will bereactive if you're in a
triggered state, and then youcheck with yourself okay, so
(23:40):
those are the reactive feelingsAnger, pissed off, annoyed,
frustrated, whatever all thethings that we might feel when
we're not in a good state Stress, overwhelm, worry, all those
kind of things.
So then you say to yourselfokay, what's underneath that?
And you go to more vulnerablefeelings.
So I like to do this visualLike imagine there is like a
barrier or a wall hereprotecting your heart, and from
(24:04):
the wall forward is all thereactionary feelings, from the
wall in is all the vulnerablefeelings, and so we want to
connect with the vulnerablefeelings From the wall in is all
the vulnerable feelings, and sowe want to connect with the
vulnerable feelings.
When you're not in a good state,think about what am I feeling.
And so, again, for this, youcould either do a search online
for feelings wheels to help youidentify feelings and we also
(24:25):
have a bunch of resources forthis in our membership, if
you're part of our membership.
And also one more thought forif you're part of our membership
, and also one more thought forif you're part of our membership
for the thoughts, we have allof the masterclasses, the deep
dives, the tools, the handouts.
We have all of the things, so Ididn't think about offering it
If you're already working withus.
All that stuff is available toyou to help you do the
reprogramming with the thoughtsand the mindsets, and also for
(24:49):
this feelings piece, we do haveall of the tools here for this
as well, so you could go deepinto the emotional reprogramming
as well.
All the patterns, all thewounds, all this stuff.
So that's all available for you.
Also, in deep dives,masterclasses, workshops, tools,
we have a feelings handout soit gives you all the messages,
all the translations, how toidentify all the feelings, how
(25:10):
feelings work, all that kind ofstuff.
If you don't have access, thenyou can do your own search
online for that.
And then, once you know whatyour feelings are, you're going
to go from the reactive ones tothe vulnerable ones, and then
the vulnerable ones.
You're going to say, okay,where do these feelings, how do
these feelings feel familiar?
Do they come from something inthe past?
(25:31):
Now, this is where we're goingreally deep here, guys.
This is like a whole process.
Do they come from somewhere?
From growing up?
And usually if you're really,really triggered and you connect
to something really vulnerable,they do right, those are the
wounds that are gettingtriggered.
Our job well, actually, twothings.
So that's one thing that couldhappen.
The other thing is you couldjust be having a feeling and,
regardless, you're gonna say letme translate this feeling into
(25:57):
a need.
So if I'm feeling lonely, sad,alone, disconnected, what do I
need?
I need love, connection,attention, affection,
potentially right.
So you do that for yourself,like, what is the feeling?
Translate it into what you need, and then, when you work on
getting those needs met, thefirst thing then is to identify
(26:20):
the feelings, translate theminto needs and as soon as you do
that, the feeling that it's job, the message has been received,
and it's like you feel muchbetter.
It's like almost immediateright, as soon as you identify
what the need is.
The feeling's like okay, sheknows what the need is.
(26:41):
Perfect.
Makes the assumption thatyou're going to get the need met
, if you may.
So we're going to talk aboutthat once we get to the
behaviors and actions piece inthe next part of the field
equation.
But for now, job well done,right.
So what are the feelings?
Translate them into needsPerfect.
And that's how we manage thefeelings.
That's one part of that.
(27:02):
The other part that plays outin here is that we want to
self-regulate and we want tomoderate ourselves and
self-soothe right.
So with the feelings also, thatgoes along with that
identification of what they are.
Part of it is like givingourselves the messages that we
are okay and doing all thepractices that would help us
feel okay while we receive themessage translated and then we
(27:26):
take action towards gettingthose needs met.
Okay.
So that leads us.
Then it drives us into the nextphase of this field equation,
and I want to make a distinctionhere, or a note that, even
though there's three partsthoughts lead to feelings, lead
to behaviors that they're not soconcrete, right?
(27:47):
So, as you notice, as I'mspeaking, there's a little bleed
over from thoughts.
When I was talking aboutthoughts, I said, well, you will
feel yucky, so you will know,right, so there's a little bit
of bleed over there.
Now, as I'm talking aboutfeelings, I'm saying, well, you
will do practices to kind ofsoothe yourself.
That's a little bit of behavior.
So they're not so distinct thecategories, but having a model
(28:09):
helps us better understand whatwe're doing and how to set
ourselves up to take care ofourselves.
So just know, if it doesn'tfeel so clean and so discreet
the things that you're doing,it's okay.
Okay, so now the next level.
We are talking about behaviorand action.
That's the last part of thefield equation.
(28:29):
And with behavior and action,when we're dirty, like I was
saying before, you're like a boyin a china shop not taking care
of yourself.
You're probably doing all thewrong things.
You're actually hurtingyourself and you're reactive in
your relationships and in yoursituations and you're not
helping yourself.
You're not having your own back.
When we're more intentional,when we go to this deeper place
(28:52):
and we're more conscientious andconscious and aware and
intentional, from here we putall the different things in
place to have our own back right.
So some of the things that gohere are the practices that I
was talking about.
That's the actionable partaround that.
So you would have practiceslike mindfulness practices,
self-care practice, self-lovepractice.
(29:13):
If you look on our blog, I havea whole series of things around
self-love and how.
That includes four aspects fortaking care of ourselves from
this angle.
So we have self-honoring, wehave self-management, we have
self-care and we haveself-connection and in those
four areas we really have ourown back in making sure that
(29:37):
we're who we are and we'rebecoming more and more who we
are, and not necessarily workingaround with all the masks and
the programs and all of thethings that we might have that
mask our radiance and impede us,keep us back rather, from
having our most beautiful humanexperience and that best
relationship with our partner.
So you can play with thatself-love practice or other
(30:02):
practices, whatever practicesyou have spiritual practices,
self-care practices, anything inyour repertoire to self-soothe,
self-regulate, take care ofyourself in all the different
ways so that you're healthy andstrong and beautiful and amazing
.
So that's one thing.
The other thing is putting inplace wellness habits into your
(30:23):
daily routine to help you dothose things.
And connection habits to helpyou connect with your partner
and with other loved ones.
And success habits to help youtake care of your life and take
care of the things and achievethe things and create the life
that you want to create.
You see?
So that's all the practicalstuff.
Now, here, one of the mostimportant things is to go back
(30:45):
to.
We translated the feelings intoneeds.
Now we're going to be superintentional.
Aside from all those practicesand habits and things that we're
going to put in place, we'regoing to be super intentional.
Aside from all those practicesand habits and things that we're
going to put in place, we'regoing to be super intentional
about meeting those needs.
So if I need that connection,if that's one of my needs of
course we always have that needas a human right but if that's
(31:07):
what's getting triggered and Ireally need to be intentional
about that, then I'm going to bevery mindful of the connection
habits that I'm putting in place.
So it takes care of that in adeeper level that I might need
at this moment in time.
We always want to haveconnection habits anyway, so
that enriches our relationship.
That's part of our creating ourawesome relationship and
partnership with our husband orwife or partners.
(31:28):
But we want to take this to thenext level.
If that's the thing that we'retargeting, some of the things we
might be working on is peace,relaxation, not being stressed
out, having more harmony, moreease, more flow.
So then we will focus more onthe wellness practices.
They will have flavors relatedto that need you see.
(31:50):
So when you get to the behaviorsin action place, you would put
things in place that address theother things that preceded it
from the fuel equation.
So you would address youremotions, your state of being,
your needs, so that you takecare of yourself.
All right, isn't that amazing?
So we have the whole fuelequation there.
(32:11):
We have the reactivity at thesurface level, at the thought
level, at the feeling level andat the behavior level.
At the thought level, we haveall the crookedness in our mind.
At the emotional level, we'reall dysregulated and all funky,
not reactive.
At the behavior level, we'reacting out and we're doing funny
business and we're not takingcare of ourselves.
When we go deeper, we clean upall that thinking, we
(32:35):
deconstruct, we deprogram and werepattern the thoughts.
We clean ourselves up so wehave a better filter.
At the feelings level, weself-soothe, we self-regulate
and we connect to the deeperfeelings and the wounds so that
we can take care of them.
And at the behavioral level, weput things in place to have our
(32:56):
own back and to help us havethe best experience that we want
to have.
Now the next thing that happensis that we want to make sure
that we work with this equation.
We have a top of mind.
What's beautiful about it isthat then you can move around
from the behavior place and thisis interesting and this is a
circle.
(33:16):
It connects back to thethoughts.
So this is the tricky part.
Usually people say the equationin this way that I said it.
Some people might start withthe feelings place, but that's
just a different way of lookingat things.
But for this conversation,thoughts leads to feelings, lead
to behaviors and back tothoughts.
So the things that we do alsofuel or reinforce our thinking.
(33:38):
Isn't this tricky?
And so at the end of the day,we could really start the
equation at any place that wewant.
We could start with ourbehaviors and we could change
our behaviors, and then we'llloop around.
We could start with thefeelings and if we take care of
our feelings and self-regulatethe whole circle.
It trickles, it ripples to thewhole circle and we could start
(33:58):
with the thoughts.
That's usually the easiest wayto the easiest thing and the
most powerful, because once weclean up that filter, it's easy
for the other things to trickle.
It's harder from the otherplaces to trickle through the
whole circle.
It's a little slower, in myopinion.
So that's where we usuallystart with the thinking Okay,
super, super powerful, don'tunderestimate the power of
(34:21):
feelings.
That's where the juice is, andthis is the thing that usually
in this culture tends to beminimized and squashed and
disregarded.
You know, unfortunately, that'swhere the vitality is, that's
where the fuel for connection is, that's where the meat of our
experience is.
That is like just superpowerful.
(34:42):
So let's, please, let let's notdisregard that.
Those are powerful.
They filter everything, theycreate the feelings.
The feelings are the fuel,right, they create the
experience and they inform theaction.
So well, you know what they'reall important.
We could work at all the levels.
(35:02):
So see what resonates for you,what feels right for you, where
you want to start, where youwant to focus on.
There's a lot of work here, soit doesn't have to be
challenging, it doesn't have tobe intense, it doesn't have to
be too much, it doesn't have tobe nutty.
Just pick one of the areas.
What kind of resonated the mostto you right now?
What feels that is the most outof whack right now for you?
(35:23):
Is your mind going nuts?
Are you really emotional?
Are you really acting out Right?
So see what's the thing thatfeels the funkiest, that might
need the most love, and startthere.
Don't try to tackle all thesethings at once.
I always say that let's notoverwhelm ourselves further,
let's not make things moredifficult.
When you tackle the things atonce, it's overwhelming, it
(35:44):
floods.
So pick one of the areas.
When you pick the area, thenyou want to dive in.
When you pick the area, thenyou want to dive in right.
Then you want to see okay, thisis the area that I'm working on
.
Let me see what angle I want towork it from.
What resources do I need?
What do I need to do?
(36:18):
Please create a setup, a momentwhere you could be protected
from distractions, where youcould be with yourself, go deep,
be present and grab all thethings that need tending and and
do the the reef shaping right,the deep programming.
So, with the thoughts.
You already give you a bunch ofpractices with the feelings.
You're going to sit you couldjournal, sit, feel journal to
identify the things and then totranslate them.
(36:39):
And with the actions, you mightwant to list out different
habits, different things,different practices and
different things that you wantto put in place and then take
action, implement them into yourcalendar, into your routines.
Have conversations with yourpartner, share your insights,
implement things together.
Some things are more personal,some things are more family or
(37:00):
relational or lifestyle, right.
So then just put your headstogether to collaborate there
and that's how you start yournew beginning.
You're going to clear the slate, you're going to get rid of all
the junk, you're going todeprogram all kinds of things.
You're going to be veryintentional about how to take
care of yourself going forward,and that translates into how you
(37:21):
connect with your partner, howyou relate to your partner, how
you look at things, how you showup the things that you put in
place, so that you really haveyour own back, your
relationships back, yourpartner's back and your life's
back, so you create the lifethat you want.
So all of this would totallysupport the springtime, the
letting go and the planting theseeds for new beginnings.
You're going to really be readyto create what you desire.
(37:44):
All right, my loves.
If you have any questions, feelfree to reach out.
I'm going to put resources inthe description box.
I'll hook you up as much as Ican.
I'll see what we have availablethat you could just grab for
free and play and take care ofyourself.
And, of course, the membershipand private work with us is
always available.
Feel free to look on ourwebsite for what we offer.
(38:06):
I'll put some links in thedescription as well.
If this resonates, we couldhelp you take care of this
business and help you getstarted with your new beginning.
Thank you so much for watching,for listening.
Feel free to let me know whatresonated the most.
What area you're going to beworking on, I would love to know
, and if you have any questions.
Thank you so much.
I will see you at the next one.
Bye.
Hello, lovelies, welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'stopic.
I'm going to be covering how todo a spring reset, meaning how
do we reprogram and let go ofall the things that no longer
serve us so that we could reallyset ourselves up for a new
beginning and a refresh and afresh start.
(00:20):
So the way that I want topresent this topic for you today
is that I'm going to share withyou what I call the fuel
equation.
Now, this concept is notnecessarily new the framework
itself but I've added a bunch ofdifferent layers and different
concepts to it to make it richerso that we could really use it
(00:41):
for a transformative process.
Now, the basics of it is thatthoughts lead to feelings, lead
to actions.
I'm going to show you how wecan reprogram each of those
areas so that you can get rid ofall the layers, all of the
fences, all of the patterns thatare holding you back, so that
(01:03):
you can rocket, launch into yournew beginning.
So this fuel equation will helpus either rocket forward or
this fuel is going to justexplode and crash us and we're
not going to get where we wantto go.
We're going to use this formulato our benefit, so that we
could have our own back and dothe deprogramming,
(01:24):
deconditioning, the patterning,so that we get rid of all the
things that keep us down, muteus, cover our brilliance, hold
us back from our highestpotential.
Okay, so, without further ado,this is what we're going to do.
First, I'm going to share aboutthoughts.
Why are they important?
What kind of thoughts hold usback, and what do we need to do
(01:47):
there to clean that up so thatthen the rest of the formula
operates cleaner?
So I'm going to talk about howeach of these areas can be dirty
or laden with things that don'tserve us, and then how to clean
up each area so that you havethe fuel equation working for
(02:08):
you, in your favor.
Okay, so this is the part ofthe formula, the way that we
usually do it, that doesn'treally work.
Okay, so this is the part thatwhen we get triggered, there's
like an automatic ripple effect.
A trigger happens and thisthing cascades and we could be
very triggered and nothing goodcomes of it.
So I'm going to show you howthat happens.
(02:28):
Or something could happen andwe could be in a different place
and then a different rippleeffect happens.
So I'm going to walk youthrough both processes the
trigger version and the moreintentional, conscious version.
Okay, so this is the triggerversion, the thoughts.
The thoughts can be, as we know,pretty unruly, right Our mind,
(02:52):
if we're not in charge of it,can run the show and create some
havoc if we are not guiding itor if we're not in charge of it.
So we could have things likedistorted thoughts, things like
personalization,over-identification, blaming,
projecting, over-generalizing,black and white thinking, like
(03:14):
all those kinds of things.
There is a few it's like about12 of them that sometimes if we
start paying attention, we willsee that, oh, our thinking is
pretty dirty.
This has like a lot ofdistorted thinking, like a lot
of ways that we're not neat inour thinking process.
So we're going to watch out forthose.
(03:37):
Then we have things likelimiting beliefs.
Those have to do with programsthat got installed by the way we
were parented, raised and justby cultural norms that are
really limited, like they holdus back, they inform what we
believe is acceptable, doable,reasonable, and this is not even
(04:05):
that conscious.
I said that we believe, but wedon't, really we don't sometimes
we don't even know that thesethings are running in the
background, right, a lot oftimes we don't, that these
things are subconscious.
So part of this process todayis to help you bring these
things forward so you canrecognize, like, oh, I actually
don't think I'm lovable, or thatI'm worthy of love, or that I
(04:26):
could get love, or that I couldtrust that I'm going to get love
, like that kind of stuff.
Like it's so ingrained we don'teven realize it Logically, we
know better, right, butsomewhere there's a program
there that is playing out, andthis is the things that we want
to root out and get rid of withthis new season.
This is the things that we wantto root out and get rid of with
(04:46):
this new season.
So those limiting beliefs andthey could be about anything.
They could be about marriage,they could be about intimacy,
sexual intimacy.
They could be about food, theycould be about money, they could
be about the world, aboutpolitics, about what's possible,
about success, aboutachievements, about our
capabilities, about our body,like about anything right.
And so it would be importantfor us to go through the list
(05:10):
and say what is my programming?
What do I believe about all thethings, what is really sitting
there?
So I'm going to walk youthrough a process as we go, so
for now I'm just showing you thedifferent things that are
sitting there.
So so far we had the distortedthoughts, we had the limiting
beliefs.
Then we have negativity bias.
(05:30):
Negativity bias is a survivalmechanism that is built into the
way that our brain is wired toprotect us from danger.
Because we live in a much moremodern world nowadays we don't
have nature coming at us to eatus, we're not food for
prehistoric animals andtherefore we don't have the same
(05:51):
danger that we used to haveonce upon a time.
And the dangers now are more inour head or we have more modern
kind of concerns, but they'renot really life-threatening, and
so we want to make sure that weclean that up.
(06:11):
Whatever lens we have runningthat makes us see things from a
negative angle, from a cautiousangle, from a distrust angle,
from a protective angle, rightwhen we assume the worst and we
expect the worst.
That's the negativity bias.
This shows up so much inrelationship, where we make the
assumptions that our partner'sout to get us or we assign
(06:34):
motives to them, like everythingthat they do is to hurt us or
to annoy us or to get on ournerves, right, so we might not
think that logically, we mightnot be aware that we might be
thinking that at some level,that we've taken things
personally, or that we areassuming that they did something
on purpose.
A lot of times they don't.
Sometimes they do.
(06:54):
I mean, you know, like I'm notgoing to claim that our partners
are perfect, but a lot of timeswe make assumptions and we
assign negative motives to ourpartner.
That's one of the simplestthings that I could kind of
share how this plays out, but itshows up everywhere, so
something to keep in mind.
And then we have scripts.
(07:16):
We have narratives right, thestories that we tell about our
history, our story, ourbackground, who we are, what
we're capable of, what we're notcapable of, all the things that
we believe.
Our story, our background, whowe are, what we're capable of,
what we're not capable of, allthe things that we believe the
story about our relationship andour partner, how things are,
why things are the way they are,who our partner is.
We have all the stories right.
(07:36):
So there's a bunch ofcategories in this, just in
thinking that play out, and alot of them we might not be
aware of.
So again, I'm going to repeatthem, list them, so that you
know which of these, potentiallyyou have to play with and clean
up.
So, again, we have distortedthoughts, we have limiting
(07:58):
beliefs, we have a negativitybias and we have scripts and
narratives and stories.
So that's a lot of if that'sthe only thing I share with you
today.
That's a lot of work in and ofitself, right, but I'm going to
walk you through the rest ofthis equation how we do it wrong
, how it gets us, and then fromthe trigger place and then the
(08:20):
intentional and consciousversion of this and processes
and little things that you coulddo to get from the reactive to
the intentional and consciousand responsive version.
Okay, so now we're going tomove on to the next level of the
fuel equation.
The next one is feelings.
Now, with feelings.
People sometimes have a hardtime with feelings.
(08:41):
The feelings are the enemy,right?
We live in a world where wevalue logic, we value masculine
characteristics, we value thedata, the data points,
information, the numbers, thelogic as we know it and all that
kind of stuff.
We devalue intuition,creativity, creativity is kind
(09:02):
of moving to the other side,thank goodness.
Creativity is kind of moving tothe other side, thank goodness.
But feelings, expression andjust being our feelings and just
showing up with the internalworld, that part it is so rich
(09:27):
in, probably the most importantthing that we have, because
those inform our experience.
The thoughts that we have, allthat thing that we talked, all
the different ways that we thinkand that things are running in
our minds that we talked about,inform how we feel right.
Those things create thefeelings.
This is why it's an equationThoughts lead to feelings.
The feelings create our state,why it's an equation Thoughts
lead to feelings.
The feelings create our stateof being, our experience, how
(09:50):
we're doing right, how we'refeeling.
We tend to minimize that andput it to the side or squash it
or dismiss it or not payattention to it.
We push through, like, whateverwe're feeling.
We're like, eh like, bury itright and keep moving, and we're
doing ourselves.
We're like, eh like, bury itright and keep moving.
And we're doing ourselves adisservice.
Because the feelings are a wayfor us to know how we're doing
(10:13):
and they are a GPS, if you may.
They guide us in terms of likewe're going the right way or the
wrong way, if we should trustsomebody or not trust somebody,
if, in the presence of somebody,we're feeling icky.
That's information.
Feelings carry information.
They're messengers, right?
So if we learn how to translatedifferent feelings, then we
know what the message is.
(10:33):
And then the feeling that it'sjob and he's able to write
through, because now we couldtake care of whatever the
message was.
You see, now in the triggerstate, the feelings that come up
are usually things that gottriggered from childhood, from
wounds, right?
So the feelings that you'refeeling are probably very
(10:54):
familiar.
These are things that keepplaying out underneath somewhere
, that are rooted in things thathappened growing up, that got
programmed earlier on.
Okay, I'm just going to explainit quickly and I'm going to
move on.
I'm not going to make it toopsychobubbly.
So the feelings then carry thisinformation, whether it's old
information or information fromthe moment when we're triggered.
(11:16):
It's kind of old stuff.
Just know that Our job is tosay, okay, what is the message
here?
Regardless if it's old, if it'snew, what is the message?
What is this feeling showing me?
What do I need to do to feelbetter?
Right, in a nutshell, so hereour job is to be aware of the
(11:36):
feelings.
Feelings are not bad.
Even the ones that don't makeus feel good are good, because
they're carrying informationthat we need.
And so, as soon as we tend toit.
Things feel better, thingsalleviate.
So we have the thoughts thatlead to the feelings.
The negative thoughts lead tonegative feelings, right?
(12:00):
Or crooked thoughts and all thefunky things that we do with
the things that I talked about,for thoughts lead to triggered
kind of feelings not feelinggood or feelings that don't feel
so good.
These feelings have to do withthings like anxiety, depression,
worry, nervousness, just kindof like the feelings that are
kind of like intense andnegative and reactive.
(12:22):
Reactive is the word I'mlooking for, so frustration,
anger, being annoyed, like thosekinds of feelings.
It's feelings that are kind ofmore reactionary at the
reactivity level.
So crooked thoughts air quotescrooked feelings, right.
So feelings that kind of feelout of control a little bit and
that have like that edge to itand they're just reactive.
(12:43):
Then we're gonna move on to thenext level of this field
equation, which is behaviors andactions.
So we have thoughts lead tofeelings, which lead to
behaviors.
How we are feeling is whatwe're going to do.
If we're feeling great, we dogreat things.
If we're feeling not so good,we don't do so good things, and
what I mean by that is we mightreach for the drinks, the food
(13:06):
retail therapy, the acting out,the being short with people,
impatient, like just behaviorsthat don't serve us.
So not very good self-care andjust reactivity in interactions
and in a speech and in the waythat we do things, the actions,
the choices that we make, right.
(13:27):
So don't think so good, don'tfeel so good, don't act so good.
In a nutshell.
So that's the reactivityversion of this.
So we get triggered and if wehaven't done much work and,
depending on what state we arein, sometimes we have done work
and the trigger comes and westill operate from this level.
And I just want to say that themore work that we do, the
(13:52):
easier it is not to gettriggered and be at this
reactive level.
Right, but it still happens tothe best of us.
So the point here is that wewant to do some of this work so
we're less reactive and we canoperate from that more
responsive level that takes careof things more smoothly and
takes care of us and we're ableto operate more seamlessly, with
(14:16):
more joy, with more ease, lessreactive, and create the things
that we desire in life.
The top level again is areactive.
Now we're going to move down tothe lower level If we do that
deeper work, we reset this andthen, when we get triggered, we
could operate from a betterplace.
All right, so what does it looklike from the responsive level?
(14:37):
What this means is that we'regoing to do all of that mindset
work.
We're going to clean up thelimiting beliefs.
We're going to address fears Ididn't even break up fears
before, but those are usually inthere just things that we worry
about or that we are afraid of,the distorted thoughts.
(14:57):
We're going to reprogram thisnegativity bias.
We're going to clean up ourscripts and our stories.
So there's a lot of differentthings that we could do here.
When we reprogram that nowsomething happens, a trigger
happens or something, an eventhappens that normally would
trigger us.
If we're a little cleaner inour program, in our filter, we
(15:19):
might not think that our partneris doing it on purpose to get
us right.
We might recognize that maybethey're having a hard day, that
maybe something is happening forthem, that maybe they have a
need or they could be reallyreactive and behaving really
poorly.
But doesn't have to kick ourbutt right.
We could still address itproperly because we are solid
and we didn't allow all thenoise in our head and all the
(15:40):
funky filters to inform how wethink of what's happening.
So some clues as to, or somesuggestions on, how to do this
cleaning up.
Okay, I'm going to walk youthrough how to clean some of
this stuff up.
The first thing that you'regoing to do is go through your
(16:00):
mind around your beliefs in allcategories of life money, body,
sex, intimacy, connection, love,marriage, marriage, finances,
children, parenting, keepinghome, hygiene, whatever, like
just anything that you couldthink of, right?
Divide a piece of paper in two,write down categories of
(16:23):
different types of thoughts.
Grab a bunch of thoughts thatyou might have about that
category so relationship, family, finances, career, success,
like things like that.
So make categories and thengrab the thoughts that you have
about that category.
So that's what you can do inone column.
In the next column, you're goingto challenge those thoughts,
right, you're going to writewhat's not true about that, like
(16:47):
that's, you know, like, okay, Ithink I can't trust anybody.
Is that true?
Not really, right?
So you're going to really getdiscerning here.
Don't allow the scripts tostill keep playing.
You're going to step back fromyour scripts and really be
discerning about what's realityand what's a construction, and
so you're going to clean all ofthem up and when you do this, be
(17:10):
really intentional, like setthe tone, set the mood, put your
candle on, put your soft musicon, be in the proper state of
mind to go deep and grab all thestuff that's sitting there.
Don't just do a superficial runthrough, because you might not
grab the things that are sittingthere and you're cheating
yourself of the process of theopportunity to clean stuff up.
All right, so go as deep as youcan.
(17:30):
And a way to go deep is to say,okay, what do I believe about
marriage?
Is that really true?
What else do I believe?
What else do I believe?
What else do I believe?
Do I believe that marriagetakes away my freedom or do I
believe that marriage is apartnership to have an amazing
human experience?
An amazing human experience,right?
(17:50):
So you could grab your beliefsabout the concepts and then
you're going to analyze them onthe other column and flush them
out, clean them up what's theword I'm looking for?
Deconstruct them.
You're going to reprogram them.
This is how you reprogram.
You're going to grab all thethings, go as deep as you can,
(18:10):
be honest and truthful andvulnerable.
Get to the bottom of the things.
That's marriage meansself-sacrifice, right?
So just what's sitting therefor you.
And then, on the other column,clean it up as best as you can
and make it more reality basedand I say that lightly, because
what is reality?
So I'm not going to getphilosophical with this, we're
(18:31):
just going to keep it practical.
You can make it reality-basedLike no, that's not really true.
This is how I choose now tolook at marriage.
This is how I want to believein marriage, or what marriage
means, let's say, for example soyou're going to make it more
reality-based, more informedfrom the things that you know,
(18:56):
that you've learned, that you'regrowing into, and choose a new
belief, right, isn't thispowerful?
So that's the way to addressthe limiting beliefs.
You could do the same thingwith scripts, with stories, and
with scripts and with stories.
The negativity bias it takesover more.
For that one and for thedistorted thoughts, you have to
be the police of your own mind.
(19:17):
The negativity bias it's easierin that when you have the
thoughts that are based onnegativity, like that, you won't
feel good.
See, this is how the feeling isinformed too.
So you have like it's not goingto feel right feelings informed
too.
So you have like it's not goingto feel right.
So just listen to your body,listen to what comes up, and
(19:42):
that will let you know that whatyou think is probably not right
.
What and that's one way to belike okay, let me check that Is
that a bias, is that somethingthat it just run to, that I'm
making an assumption and I'massigning a negative motive, and
you catch yourself right andyou bring and you and you clean
it up and you give your partnersome credit and some grace and
(20:04):
some leeway.
And they're also on a journey.
They're also not perfect, butwe have to watch the assumptions
that have our flavor, like thethings are for us and they're
being done to us Now, alsowhether it's intentional or
unintentional.
Sometimes we know that ourpartner is not doing something
intentionally, but we're likethey're doing this thing, even
if they don't know that they'redoing it.
They're still doing it to me.
(20:24):
But are they really doing thatthing intentionally or not?
Or are we looking at it thatway, right?
So that's how you clean up thenegativity bias.
You might want to just make acommitment to watching your mind
and the assumptions that you'remaking and the things that
you're assigning, the motivesthat you're assigning, or you
could do a full-on exercise andjust write it down.
(20:45):
When you write it down, one wayto do this is to review a past,
a recent past either argumentor disagreement, or hurt, or
something that happened andprocess it through this filter,
right?
So run it through and pull outall this stuff that you're like
Ooh, that's, I chose to look atit that way, I chose to look at
that that way, I chose to lookat that that way.
(21:06):
But be honest, right, this ishard, this is not easy to find.
This is why we have therapy.
So see if you can find thesethings on your own.
Okay, this is the whole point.
And then the next one isdistorted thoughts.
And just look at the differentways that, the distorted
thoughts that you're aware oflet me put it that way because I
don't have anything handy togive you and to list all the
(21:27):
different kinds of negative, um,distorted thoughts, but the
ones that you know overovergeneralizing,
personalization, black and whitethinking, just the ones that
you might be familiar with.
See if you catch yourself, youcould do a little research on
your own or just reach out, andthen we could hook you up with
some resources that we haveinternally for this, so that you
(21:48):
could do this one too and catchyour distorted thinking.
See what patterns of thoughtyou usually have that get you,
that hold you back, and sameconcept you've been like well,
no, that's not true.
That's not true.
Right, you're gonna put yourdiscernment in place, your
awareness.
You're gonna clean yourself up.
Bam, you guys play there and beintentional about it, because
(22:10):
when you're intentional, youcould just knock it out right
and then in.
You just keep going throughdifferent rounds of this, but
you'll be much better for it.
For the first round, you'llclean out a lot of gunk and then
you just do tune-ups as you goand then you keep getting better
and better and being clean andconscious.
That's how you do the mindsetshifts and the thoughts cleaning
(22:32):
.
If you do this, you're reallyhaving your own back and taking
care of business.
Okay, so that's how you movefrom reactive thinking and funky
thinking.
That's not going to lead toanything good.
I usually call this gettingyourself on a train and taking a
ride or adding more wood toyour own fire Not good things.
So we're going to get off thatand we're going to go to the
(22:55):
lower level or to a deeper level, I should say, and from that
deeper level, we're going to doall this cleaning up and we're
going to empower ourselves.
We're going to get more sturdy,more grounded, more solid and
we're going to be more who wereally are and not all this
noise that we have in our heads.
All right, perfect, the Allright perfect.
The next one is feelings, andwith feelings, I kind of alluded
(23:18):
to this before when I wasdescribing the purpose of
feelings, that they give usmessages in our internal GPS.
Yes, but the way to work withthis is that you say to yourself
okay, what am I feeling?
Usually, the feelings will bereactive if you're in a
triggered state, and then youcheck with yourself okay, so
(23:40):
those are the reactive feelingsAnger, pissed off, annoyed,
frustrated, whatever all thethings that we might feel when
we're not in a good state Stress, overwhelm, worry, all those
kind of things.
So then you say to yourselfokay, what's underneath that?
And you go to more vulnerablefeelings.
So I like to do this visualLike imagine there is like a
barrier or a wall hereprotecting your heart, and from
(24:04):
the wall forward is all thereactionary feelings, from the
wall in is all the vulnerablefeelings, and so we want to
connect with the vulnerablefeelings From the wall in is all
the vulnerable feelings, and sowe want to connect with the
vulnerable feelings.
When you're not in a good state,think about what am I feeling.
And so, again, for this, youcould either do a search online
for feelings wheels to help youidentify feelings and we also
(24:25):
have a bunch of resources forthis in our membership, if
you're part of our membership.
And also one more thought forif you're part of our membership
, and also one more thought forif you're part of our membership
for the thoughts, we have allof the masterclasses, the deep
dives, the tools, the handouts.
We have all of the things, so Ididn't think about offering it
If you're already working withus.
All that stuff is available toyou to help you do the
reprogramming with the thoughtsand the mindsets, and also for
(24:49):
this feelings piece, we do haveall of the tools here for this
as well, so you could go deepinto the emotional reprogramming
as well.
All the patterns, all thewounds, all this stuff.
So that's all available for you.
Also, in deep dives,masterclasses, workshops, tools,
we have a feelings handout soit gives you all the messages,
all the translations, how toidentify all the feelings, how
(25:10):
feelings work, all that kind ofstuff.
If you don't have access, thenyou can do your own search
online for that.
And then, once you know whatyour feelings are, you're going
to go from the reactive ones tothe vulnerable ones, and then
the vulnerable ones.
You're going to say, okay,where do these feelings, how do
these feelings feel familiar?
Do they come from something inthe past?
(25:31):
Now, this is where we're goingreally deep here, guys.
This is like a whole process.
Do they come from somewhere?
From growing up?
And usually if you're really,really triggered and you connect
to something really vulnerable,they do right, those are the
wounds that are gettingtriggered.
Our job well, actually, twothings.
So that's one thing that couldhappen.
The other thing is you couldjust be having a feeling and,
regardless, you're gonna say letme translate this feeling into
(25:57):
a need.
So if I'm feeling lonely, sad,alone, disconnected, what do I
need?
I need love, connection,attention, affection,
potentially right.
So you do that for yourself,like, what is the feeling?
Translate it into what you need, and then, when you work on
getting those needs met, thefirst thing then is to identify
(26:20):
the feelings, translate theminto needs and as soon as you do
that, the feeling that it's job, the message has been received,
and it's like you feel muchbetter.
It's like almost immediateright, as soon as you identify
what the need is.
The feeling's like okay, sheknows what the need is.
(26:41):
Perfect.
Makes the assumption thatyou're going to get the need met
, if you may.
So we're going to talk aboutthat once we get to the
behaviors and actions piece inthe next part of the field
equation.
But for now, job well done,right.
So what are the feelings?
Translate them into needsPerfect.
And that's how we manage thefeelings.
That's one part of that.
(27:02):
The other part that plays outin here is that we want to
self-regulate and we want tomoderate ourselves and
self-soothe right.
So with the feelings also, thatgoes along with that
identification of what they are.
Part of it is like givingourselves the messages that we
are okay and doing all thepractices that would help us
feel okay while we receive themessage translated and then we
(27:26):
take action towards gettingthose needs met.
Okay.
So that leads us.
Then it drives us into the nextphase of this field equation,
and I want to make a distinctionhere, or a note that, even
though there's three partsthoughts lead to feelings, lead
to behaviors that they're not soconcrete, right?
(27:47):
So, as you notice, as I'mspeaking, there's a little bleed
over from thoughts.
When I was talking aboutthoughts, I said, well, you will
feel yucky, so you will know,right, so there's a little bit
of bleed over there.
Now, as I'm talking aboutfeelings, I'm saying, well, you
will do practices to kind ofsoothe yourself.
That's a little bit of behavior.
So they're not so distinct thecategories, but having a model
(28:09):
helps us better understand whatwe're doing and how to set
ourselves up to take care ofourselves.
So just know, if it doesn'tfeel so clean and so discreet
the things that you're doing,it's okay.
Okay, so now the next level.
We are talking about behaviorand action.
That's the last part of thefield equation.
(28:29):
And with behavior and action,when we're dirty, like I was
saying before, you're like a boyin a china shop not taking care
of yourself.
You're probably doing all thewrong things.
You're actually hurtingyourself and you're reactive in
your relationships and in yoursituations and you're not
helping yourself.
You're not having your own back.
When we're more intentional,when we go to this deeper place
(28:52):
and we're more conscientious andconscious and aware and
intentional, from here we putall the different things in
place to have our own back right.
So some of the things that gohere are the practices that I
was talking about.
That's the actionable partaround that.
So you would have practiceslike mindfulness practices,
self-care practice, self-lovepractice.
(29:13):
If you look on our blog, I havea whole series of things around
self-love and how.
That includes four aspects fortaking care of ourselves from
this angle.
So we have self-honoring, wehave self-management, we have
self-care and we haveself-connection and in those
four areas we really have ourown back in making sure that
(29:37):
we're who we are and we'rebecoming more and more who we
are, and not necessarily workingaround with all the masks and
the programs and all of thethings that we might have that
mask our radiance and impede us,keep us back rather, from
having our most beautiful humanexperience and that best
relationship with our partner.
So you can play with thatself-love practice or other
(30:02):
practices, whatever practicesyou have spiritual practices,
self-care practices, anything inyour repertoire to self-soothe,
self-regulate, take care ofyourself in all the different
ways so that you're healthy andstrong and beautiful and amazing
.
So that's one thing.
The other thing is putting inplace wellness habits into your
(30:23):
daily routine to help you dothose things.
And connection habits to helpyou connect with your partner
and with other loved ones.
And success habits to help youtake care of your life and take
care of the things and achievethe things and create the life
that you want to create.
You see?
So that's all the practicalstuff.
Now, here, one of the mostimportant things is to go back
(30:45):
to.
We translated the feelings intoneeds.
Now we're going to be superintentional.
Aside from all those practicesand habits and things that we're
going to put in place, we'regoing to be super intentional.
Aside from all those practicesand habits and things that we're
going to put in place, we'regoing to be super intentional
about meeting those needs.
So if I need that connection,if that's one of my needs of
course we always have that needas a human right but if that's
(31:07):
what's getting triggered and Ireally need to be intentional
about that, then I'm going to bevery mindful of the connection
habits that I'm putting in place.
So it takes care of that in adeeper level that I might need
at this moment in time.
We always want to haveconnection habits anyway, so
that enriches our relationship.
That's part of our creating ourawesome relationship and
partnership with our husband orwife or partners.
(31:28):
But we want to take this to thenext level.
If that's the thing that we'retargeting, some of the things we
might be working on is peace,relaxation, not being stressed
out, having more harmony, moreease, more flow.
So then we will focus more onthe wellness practices.
They will have flavors relatedto that need you see.
(31:50):
So when you get to the behaviorsin action place, you would put
things in place that address theother things that preceded it
from the fuel equation.
So you would address youremotions, your state of being,
your needs, so that you takecare of yourself.
All right, isn't that amazing?
So we have the whole fuelequation there.
(32:11):
We have the reactivity at thesurface level, at the thought
level, at the feeling level andat the behavior level.
At the thought level, we haveall the crookedness in our mind.
At the emotional level, we'reall dysregulated and all funky,
not reactive.
At the behavior level, we'reacting out and we're doing funny
business and we're not takingcare of ourselves.
When we go deeper, we clean upall that thinking, we
(32:35):
deconstruct, we deprogram and werepattern the thoughts.
We clean ourselves up so wehave a better filter.
At the feelings level, weself-soothe, we self-regulate
and we connect to the deeperfeelings and the wounds so that
we can take care of them.
And at the behavioral level, weput things in place to have our
(32:56):
own back and to help us havethe best experience that we want
to have.
Now the next thing that happensis that we want to make sure
that we work with this equation.
We have a top of mind.
What's beautiful about it isthat then you can move around
from the behavior place and thisis interesting and this is a
circle.
(33:16):
It connects back to thethoughts.
So this is the tricky part.
Usually people say the equationin this way that I said it.
Some people might start withthe feelings place, but that's
just a different way of lookingat things.
But for this conversation,thoughts leads to feelings, lead
to behaviors and back tothoughts.
So the things that we do alsofuel or reinforce our thinking.
(33:38):
Isn't this tricky?
And so at the end of the day,we could really start the
equation at any place that wewant.
We could start with ourbehaviors and we could change
our behaviors, and then we'llloop around.
We could start with thefeelings and if we take care of
our feelings and self-regulatethe whole circle.
It trickles, it ripples to thewhole circle and we could start
(33:58):
with the thoughts.
That's usually the easiest wayto the easiest thing and the
most powerful, because once weclean up that filter, it's easy
for the other things to trickle.
It's harder from the otherplaces to trickle through the
whole circle.
It's a little slower, in myopinion.
So that's where we usuallystart with the thinking Okay,
super, super powerful, don'tunderestimate the power of
(34:21):
feelings.
That's where the juice is, andthis is the thing that usually
in this culture tends to beminimized and squashed and
disregarded.
You know, unfortunately, that'swhere the vitality is, that's
where the fuel for connection is, that's where the meat of our
experience is.
That is like just superpowerful.
(34:42):
So let's, please, let let's notdisregard that.
Those are powerful.
They filter everything, theycreate the feelings.
The feelings are the fuel,right, they create the
experience and they inform theaction.
So well, you know what they'reall important.
We could work at all the levels.
(35:02):
So see what resonates for you,what feels right for you, where
you want to start, where youwant to focus on.
There's a lot of work here, soit doesn't have to be
challenging, it doesn't have tobe intense, it doesn't have to
be too much, it doesn't have tobe nutty.
Just pick one of the areas.
What kind of resonated the mostto you right now?
What feels that is the most outof whack right now for you?
(35:23):
Is your mind going nuts?
Are you really emotional?
Are you really acting out Right?
So see what's the thing thatfeels the funkiest, that might
need the most love, and startthere.
Don't try to tackle all thesethings at once.
I always say that let's notoverwhelm ourselves further,
let's not make things moredifficult.
When you tackle the things atonce, it's overwhelming, it
(35:44):
floods.
So pick one of the areas.
When you pick the area, thenyou want to dive in.
When you pick the area, thenyou want to dive in right.
Then you want to see okay, thisis the area that I'm working on
.
Let me see what angle I want towork it from.
What resources do I need?
What do I need to do?
(36:18):
Please create a setup, a momentwhere you could be protected
from distractions, where youcould be with yourself, go deep,
be present and grab all thethings that need tending and and
do the the reef shaping right,the deep programming.
So, with the thoughts.
You already give you a bunch ofpractices with the feelings.
You're going to sit you couldjournal, sit, feel journal to
identify the things and then totranslate them.
(36:39):
And with the actions, you mightwant to list out different
habits, different things,different practices and
different things that you wantto put in place and then take
action, implement them into yourcalendar, into your routines.
Have conversations with yourpartner, share your insights,
implement things together.
Some things are more personal,some things are more family or
(37:00):
relational or lifestyle, right.
So then just put your headstogether to collaborate there
and that's how you start yournew beginning.
You're going to clear the slate, you're going to get rid of all
the junk, you're going todeprogram all kinds of things.
You're going to be veryintentional about how to take
care of yourself going forward,and that translates into how you
(37:21):
connect with your partner, howyou relate to your partner, how
you look at things, how you showup the things that you put in
place, so that you really haveyour own back, your
relationships back, yourpartner's back and your life's
back, so you create the lifethat you want.
So all of this would totallysupport the springtime, the
letting go and the planting theseeds for new beginnings.
You're going to really be readyto create what you desire.
(37:44):
All right, my loves.
If you have any questions, feelfree to reach out.
I'm going to put resources inthe description box.
I'll hook you up as much as Ican.
I'll see what we have availablethat you could just grab for
free and play and take care ofyourself.
And, of course, the membershipand private work with us is
always available.
Feel free to look on ourwebsite for what we offer.
(38:06):
I'll put some links in thedescription as well.
If this resonates, we couldhelp you take care of this
business and help you getstarted with your new beginning.
Thank you so much for watching,for listening.
Feel free to let me know whatresonated the most.
What area you're going to beworking on, I would love to know
, and if you have any questions.
Thank you so much.
I will see you at the next one.
Bye.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Cold Case Files: Miami
Joyce Sapp, 76; Bryan Herrera, 16; and Laurance Webb, 32—three Miami residents whose lives were stolen in brutal, unsolved homicides. Cold Case Files: Miami follows award‑winning radio host and City of Miami Police reserve officer Enrique Santos as he partners with the department’s Cold Case Homicide Unit, determined family members, and the advocates who spend their lives fighting for justice for the victims who can no longer fight for themselves.