September 11, 2024 • 53 mins
Woohoo, we are celebrating our Podcast’s 1st Year Anniversary! Super excited and proud of this accomplishment. It's been so amazing to host these conversations and bring you curated pertinent topics to support you in your Journey. We are here to assist you with your personal development and relationship enrichment for a Grand Human Experience…
To celebrate this milestone, we are doing special Essentials Compilations episodes with key takeaways for immediate implementation and results… AND, giving Celebrations Gifts...
In this episode the topics cover: Creating intimacy, toxicity in relationship, managing relationship finances, managing food and stress for more health, wellness and vitality, and more. You can access the full original episode linked in the list below. Hope you enjoy this Essentials Compilation!
From Episode 1, Carole Cullen on Ingredients for a Successful Relationship
From Episode 2, Nermine Zakhari on the Impact of Personal Strengths
From Episode 3, Yours truly on Tactics for Everlasting Love
From Episode 4, Christine Luken on Making Money Management Sexy
From Episode 5, Richard Heller on Engaging Men in Our Relationship
From Episode 6, Yours truly on Thriving During the Holidays
From Episode 7, Stacy Francis on Practices for a Financially Successful Marriage
From Episode 8, Yours truly on the Power of Self-Love
From Episode 9, Deborah Donenfeld on Embracing Change and Transitions
From Episode 10, Bridgette Zeitlin on Having a Healthy Relationship with Food
From Episode 11, Yours truly on keeping the Love and Spark Alive
*Visit its Page for the Video and to get Gifts from our guests, AND get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'sepisode.
We are doing a celebration.
We're celebrating our podcast'sfirst year anniversary.
So exciting.
Last year at this time we wereputting together our first
episode and it was with so muchexcitement.
(00:20):
For a longtime dream come true.
And now it's a year after andI'm so happy that we have been
able to bring this to you twotimes a month, on Wednesdays,
and share with you colleagues,friends and experts on topics
that I find super interestingand that I think that will
(00:42):
support you in your journey.
So today's episodes are it's acompilation of highlights or
segments that I selected fromthe first set of episodes from
last year.
So it's like nice quick, rapidfire content so that you could
(01:03):
have a whole gamut of things toplay with and find what
resonates for you the most thatyou want to play with.
So if something that'sresonating for you a lot and
you're like, oh interesting, Ilove this guest or I love this
topic or that content soundsreally interesting, feel free to
go check out the full episodefor that particular guest.
(01:23):
I also did a few solo episodes,so feel free to dive into those
if the content resonates foryou and that's what you're
looking for.
So this is a celebration of thefirst year of this podcast.
We're doing in this episode thefirst set of the year.
We split the episodes into two,so we're doing one set in this
episode, another set in twoweeks from now.
(01:45):
So stay tuned for those andenjoy the highlights.
Take away what serves you,enjoy and implement and play
away with those.
Feel free again to dig into theones that resonate the most.
That, if you want more, in thedescription you will find the
list of all of the guests with adirect link to the particular
(02:05):
episode.
If you want to dive deeper andif you're interested, go to our
podcast page.
We have a new page, by the way,too, so excited about that
MetroRelationshipcom forwardslash podcast.
There you have access to a giftthat we have to our visitors
the Relationship Enrichment minicourse.
But in that we're also going toadd a compilation of all of the
(02:30):
guests with a direct link totheir episode and the gift that
they share with us.
So you don't have to go diggingthrough all of the episodes for
something or searching for thethings.
You're going to have everythingin one compilation handy in
your inbox, if you're interested.
So feel free to check that outNow.
(02:50):
Today we're going to cover, likeI said, the first half of the
year and enjoy, enjoy thesegments, enjoy the takeaways,
enjoy the snippets and staytuned for two weeks from now.
The second part of this, andwe're celebrating the guests and
the topics.
All of that is for you, tosupport you in your journey.
The guests support you, Isupport you.
(03:13):
I bring these topics andconversations to deepen the
connection with yourself, withyour partner, with the world at
large.
We want to have a granderexperience, create our best
relationship and our best life,so all of the topics are
selected for that purpose.
If you have specific topicsthat you would like to hear,
please let us know in thecomments.
I would love to know what's ofinterest to you.
(03:34):
We recently did a poll, sowe're going to take that into
consideration going forward.
But feel free to always let usknow what you want more of and
when you enjoy.
Feel free to always let us knowwhat you want more of and when
you enjoy.
Carole Cullen (03:50):
Now, without further ado, for today, enjoy
the selections for you and havea fabulous one.
Prioritizing quality time withyour partner is about spending
focused, intentional, scheduled,sometimes time with your
partner for connection, intimacy, fun, playfulness, joy,
lightheartedness, humor.
(04:14):
I do think a lot of couples getstuck here.
But let's talk about whatquality time is first, and then
we'll talk about ways in whichpeople get stuck right,
connected in a way that you usedto be early in your
relationship, and I think wejust forget that that's
important and we forget how toconnect in that way, because
life gets busy, right, andthat's one of the ways that we
get barriers is, life gets busyand we don't prioritize that.
So focusing on scheduling timefirst is going to be really
(04:36):
important.
Scheduling a date night orscheduling time just to talk is
a way that couples can build thebond in their relationship.
It allows for their partner tofeel like they are important to
their partner because they'remaking time to spend with them.
So it's just the fact that youput it on the calendar and make
that time is the step in theright direction to show your
(04:57):
partner.
It builds trust too, right?
I can trust and count on youthat you're going to be there
for me when I need you becauseyou're already doing it in times
when it's not critical.
So if you can do it in timeswhen it's not critical, I know
I'm going to be able to count onyou to be there for me in ways
that are important when I doneed you.
So it's building trust in therelationship as well as
(05:19):
connecting.
Emma Viglucci (05:21):
I love that you brought up that angle right,
because people have a reactionto scheduling things with their
partner.
I mean, they might have plansright, but scheduling couple
time is scheduling um dates.
They might be able to do datenight fairly simple, but like
the consistency of scheduling itand making it, keeping it
(05:42):
ongoing is challenging.
And sexy time forget it.
Don't even tell people toschedule sexy time.
That's a whole otherconversation.
But I love what you're sayingright now, that if you schedule
the time or if you make the timefor that connection, for being
together in whatever capacitywe're talking about, and your
(06:04):
partner shows up, that that isbuilding trust.
And a lot of people ask how youbuild trust right, especially
when they have certainsituations going on.
This is one of the ways.
So good, so good.
So anything else about qualitytime connection, the different
(06:24):
types of quality time you weregoing there yeah, I think also.
Carole Cullen (06:29):
Just um, sharing in activities together.
It has been a very tough topicto touch with couples at times,
because you'll get a lot ofcouples that will say well, we
have nothing in common, we don'tdo anything together, we don't
like any of the same things, andthat is probably very true for
(06:51):
them, right?
Maybe one likes to golf and theother one likes to knit, maybe
the other one is social and theother one is not social, right?
So they probably are verydifferent and so having shared
activities is really hard forthem.
So I think couples that aresuccessful find ways to share in
activities together that workfor both of them.
(07:12):
And sometimes sometimes, emma,you're not going to believe this
, but sometimes we do things wedon't always like in a
relationship because it'simportant to our partner.
Can you believe people do thatlike in a relationship because
it's?
Emma Viglucci (07:25):
important to our partner.
Can you believe people do that?
Well, I would say that verycautiously, carol, because when
people say, well, then I'malways doing stuff that I don't
like or I don't want my partnerto do things they don't want,
right.
That also gets in the way ofthe conversation, and what I
usually offer around thatconversation is you don't have
to love the activity, but youcould can love the time together
, right?
And so it's not about theactivity at the end of the day.
(07:46):
If you're in this side of thatspectrum, so don't get hung up
on the fact that you might notlike this thing or this activity
, this experience.
It's not about that at the endof the day.
It's that in the joining andthe doing of it together, that
is what counts.
People get lost in thedifferent sides of things that
are not that important at theend of the day and they make it
(08:06):
their thing and it's not theirthing.
Nermine Zakhary (08:09):
We will have people in our world that we
clash with, that we might havesome conflict with or we don't
understand.
We don't see eye to eye onthings Right, and oftentimes
it's people that are close to uswhere their strengths and how
they operate and the way theysee things very likely sit in my
, sit in my oh, m g, so you'retalking shadows.
Emma Viglucci (08:32):
Now that could be a whole different podcast, but
this is amazing how it's allcoming together, wow.
So that's why they aggravate us, because we don't see the
benefit of them, whatever.
But we may have them too, whichis not getting in touch with
them, and so so whatever bothersus about somebody else, but we
may have them too, which is notgetting in touch with them, and
so so whatever bothers us aboutsomebody else is we usually have
.
That's the shadows work yeahit's really right, also have.
Nermine Zakhary (08:55):
But I mean in the context of from a strengths
lens perspective, sure, andassuming that we have, it's very
likely that my strengths mightsit in your blind spot and your
strengths might sit in my blindspot.
And that means that there's anopportunity, a greater
opportunity, for us to clashbecause, because we don't
understand how the other personoperates or why, why they
(09:20):
operate the way that they doNice.
So, and then the thing we don'tunderstand we tend to reject.
Yep, we go on a reallyinteresting journey when we
begin to understand.
Okay, so intellectually, weunderstand, we get.
You know I can do things, andand you know that, uh, you might
(09:41):
not do as readily, and viceversa.
Okay, we understand that.
But when we take a look at the34 strengths and start to think
about I have adaptability, maybeI lead with adaptability, but
it might be number 34 for myhusband.
So then where does that take us?
So, as far as he's concerned,my adaptabilityability, he
(10:04):
doesn't understand why I needthis flexibility and all these
options, and really you're meananother pair of shoes and and
and what have you right?
My strength could be in someoneelse's blind spot.
That understanding that theydon't see it, they don't
understand.
It allows us us to take thething that we used to reject and
(10:30):
maybe come to a place where wecan tolerate it, because now I
understand.
Okay, the thing is, I don'tunderstand it because it's not
something that I have, so we'vetaken.
Now we've shed a layer of abarrier that might be between us
and I'm able to see a littlebit more clearly that, okay, I
(10:52):
get that this is something thatcomes naturally for you and is
important to you.
The next thing now that I cantolerate that we have this
difference, I might start tonotice more openly when you're
using it actively and I mightnotice the positive.
I might notice how youcontribute in a really
interesting way or the impactthat you made in an area that I
(11:17):
really didn't know how to handle.
And so now I become a littlebit more accepting of that
difference between us.
I become a little bit moreaccepting of that difference
between us.
Later on, now that I've becomemore accepting, I might invite
you to use that in a veryspecific situation.
That really helps me out.
And now I begin to appreciatethat gift that you have.
(11:41):
That's been this differencebetween us and now what a
blessing it is that you're ableto do that and bring that into
our relationship and look atwhat we can accomplish together
because of our combined strength.
Emma Viglucci (11:56):
Amazing.
I love how that all comestogether.
So now I am going to give yousome more specific takeaways.
To do this is your assignment,or your homework, if you may.
The first one is to invite yourpartner to have a what I like
to call a state of the unionconversation.
So you just say, like you knowwhat, let's check in how are we
(12:19):
doing, how's life?
You know, how are we doing as a, as as a partnership, as a
couple, in terms of creating thelife that we want to create,
and don't make it intense orheavy or shaming or critical or
heavy.
You know, like, take it easy,it's okay, it's supposed to be
light and fun and curious, justnice, right.
So then from here, we're goingto build stuff, we're going to
(12:40):
have fun, we can reach ourrelationship and we create
awesomeness.
So go into that conversationwith that approach, with that
energy, and then part of thatconversation is going to be out
of these five elements I'm goingto recap in again in a second
the five, so that you have themhandy which one do we want to
focus on?
Which one feels like it needs alittle bit of attention from us
(13:01):
?
That will serve us.
If we pull that lever, it willmake a lot of difference to
create a big shift in ourrelationship in another life.
Right, just bring things to thenext level.
So the five elements again arenumber one context and mindset.
Number two communication andalignment.
Number three clarity anddynamics.
(13:21):
Number four connection andintimacy.
Number five collaboration andpartnership.
Okay, so takeaway number two istwo things One, build into your
routine a self-love practice,because when you're taking care
(13:42):
of your needs and you're takingcare of yourself, you become a
lot less triggerable.
You create more resilience, yourewire yourself, you repattern
yourself, you do all kinds ofgoodies and in that you're not
going to be so easily trippablewhen you have an interaction
with your partner where you gointo a loop.
Okay, so you have recurringthings happening.
(14:05):
If you take care of you, you'llbecome less likely to get stuck
there.
To get stuck there.
And the other one with this iscreate a partner love practice.
And a partner love practice iswhat I was talking about in
terms of the connection habits.
You're putting stuff into yourroutine where you just focus on
(14:27):
nurturing your partner, givingthem special touches and acts of
kindness and just beautifulthings, so that you take care of
them and you show them yourlove and you seamlessly enrich
the relationship and you nurturethe relationship.
And then three for takeaway, andthis is what I had promised
earlier.
(14:47):
This one is as part of theconnection habits at nighttime,
before bed or any part of theday that makes sense for your
life, and if this feels like toomuch, it doesn't have to be
daily.
It could be a couple of times aweek or during the weekend that
you pick the cadence that makessense for you.
And that is to build inappreciations.
So doing appreciation sessionswith your partner, where you
(15:09):
take a few moments to share witheach other all the things that
you appreciate about them, thatyou love about them, that they
did recently, how they showed upfor the day, how they're
working on things, how you couldsee what efforts they're making
or what stretches they did, orwhatever.
You could highlight all thegood stuff that you're noticing,
that they're working on or justshowing up with, because
(15:32):
they're showing up with theirawesomeness and you notice it,
or their strengths, right.
So anything good that you loveabout them or that you
appreciate that they're doing,you could share with them and
then they could share the samewith you.
So you both, you do an exchangeof appreciations, and that's
the quickest way to add somegood, positive stuff into your
relationship.
Christine Luken (15:53):
You know, I think it's very important for us
to be patient with each otherand, you know, just because
someone wants to do thingsdifferently, it doesn't mean
that it's wrong.
Really, really, we're allowedto disagree.
(16:13):
We are allowed to disagree, weare allowed to disagree.
And in fact, you know, I dothink that it can be important
for spouses and partners to havesome separate spending money so
that they can feel like theyhave complete autonomy over a
piece of their finances andreally not owe any explanation
(16:37):
to the other person, right?
Because sometimes we can feellike, when we enter into a
partnership, that none of itreally belongs to us, right?
Or you might feel like yourpartner scrutinizes your
spending, and it's sointeresting because a lot of
people think that going onto abudget is actually going to make
(16:59):
things harder for them.
Now, I don't like the wordbudget, and tomorrow I'm
actually recording an episodeabout the whole topic of budgets
and why people don't like them.
I prefer to call it a spendingplan.
That is part of your overallprosperity plan.
There's actually a lot offreedom in the spending plan,
(17:21):
because if we have decided thatwe're going to spend $400 on
clothes this month, then when Icome in through the garage with
my packages and my spouse sayswell, what are you buying?
Now I'll say less than what wasin the budget, right, you know,
(17:44):
it doesn't matter if I walk inwith one package or six packages
, like we've already agreed thatthis is what gets spent on
clothing this month, and as longas I'm there or under, then it
removes the fighting from thefinancial situation.
Emma Viglucci (17:59):
I love it.
You know that's interestingthat you approach that concept
from that place of it's okay tohave our own money.
I'm encountering with couples alittle bit of the opposite, so
I'm wondering if we could talkabout that as well, which is
couples come.
They're professional people,progressive, independent,
(18:26):
established.
They all already have their ownmoney.
They all already have their ownstuff.
Yeah, and the problem is, howdo we create that joint piece?
Yes, right, this is huge.
We create that joint piece yes.
This is huge.
Christine Luken (18:37):
Yes, how many thoughts about that?
Yeah, it can be huge,especially when you've got
second marriages, when you'vegot blended families.
It really can add a lot ofcomplexity and, honestly, when
you've got situations like thatand you've got people who are
high income earners, youprobably need to bring attorneys
(18:57):
into the situation.
As far as things like estateplanning and potentially, you
know prenuptial agreements etc.
I am not against any of that.
In fact, I think it's verysmart, smart thing to do.
I'll tell you how my husband andI handle our finances, because
I find that for a lot of people,this works well.
(19:19):
When we got married, we werebasically we were on pretty
equal footing financially.
As you know, part of my storyis that I crashed and burned
financially in my mid-20s,despite having an accounting
degree, and that was because Iwas engaged to a guy with
horrible money habits, and soonce I got out of that
relationship like I was in ahole.
(19:41):
You know, my credit was allmessed up.
I had debt that needed to bepaid off, but by the time that
my husband and I got married, Ihad rectified the majority of
that and we were making aboutequal incomes.
So what we decided to do is, weopened up a joint account and
(20:04):
we basically deposited a certainamount in.
So it's like one week I deposit, the other week he deposits,
and we just, you know, wefigured out, okay, this is what
we need to pay the mortgage, topay the insurance, pay the
utilities, you know, vet bills,etc.
And then the rest of our moneywas ours to spend.
(20:25):
Now, as the years went by, wehave changed our approach.
You know there's been timeswhere my business wasn't doing
great and he had to kick in more.
You know there was a time, youknow, he was laid off for four
months and I kicked in more thanhe did.
Because it's about having apartnership right, and I think
(20:47):
when you agree on what your maingoals are, it's much easier to
do.
That Can both people contributeequally to all the household
expenditures, and I think that'swhen having a financial coach
and potentially a relationshipcoach also, can be a really good
(21:07):
idea.
Yep.
Emma Viglucci (21:10):
Yes, so some of the things that come into mind
that deal with some of thesethings.
They might not have the blendedfamily situation, they might
not have the complexity, butthey might have a disparity in
earning potentials.
So when a partner who makes alot more than the other expects
them to kick in the same amount,how does that even make sense,
(21:33):
especially when they have anexpensive lifestyle?
Christine Luken (21:35):
Right.
So in that situation I wouldhave it not be equal, I would
have it be proportional.
So, for example, if one personis bringing in 60% of the income
, the other person is bringingin 40% of the income, then when
we look at what needs to go intothe bill account, then the
person with the higher income isputting in 60% of the income.
Then when we look at what needsto go into the bill account,
then the person with the higherincome is putting in 60% and the
(21:57):
other person's putting in 40%.
Rich Heller (22:01):
And you know, usually what the man really
wants is they want to have aloving relationship and a happy
family right and they're justfreaking clueless.
We are clueless is the problem.
Emma Viglucci (22:13):
I wouldn't necessarily say that.
I think I you mentioned that afew times that you might be
showing, the guys might beshowing up a certain way, but
there's all this emotion goingon underneath and that might be
confusing to the interactions inthe moment.
And so for both partners tohonor that, I might be yelling
but I don't mean to, I'm not,you know, I might be angry but
I'm not angry at you.
Or I might be angry at you butmy intention is to reconnect
(22:36):
with you.
Yeah Right.
Rich Heller (22:38):
So and anger can be expressed that way safely.
That I hear.
I think there's.
This is kind of a missing piecefor men though it's.
We don't make it okay for mento have feelings.
I think part of it is to makeit okay for the man to know that
there are times when it's allright for him to be vulnerable,
to be sad, to feel hurt, to feelfearful.
(23:00):
You know that you won't thinkhe's less of a man for having it
.
And of course, the problem withthose feelings for the man who
instinctively wants to be theprotector is you can't protect
anyone when you're in thosefeelings, when you're in those
feelings you feel like a victim.
Emma Viglucci (23:13):
Right.
Well, you feel incompetent orit's not good, Like how are you
going to be protective if you'refeeling weak?
Nermine Zakhary (23:19):
Right.
Emma Viglucci (23:19):
So, oh my gosh, I love that incongruency for guys
.
I feel bad.
I totally hear that and I thinkthat if us women, if we could
have that compassion for how wemight set guys up in that
predicament, that we might get alot more mileage out of the
situation.
The other things that happensduring the holidays is that we
get to have more contact withour family.
(23:41):
What happens now, when we'recloser to family members, when
we're in proximity to our familyof origin?
First of all, you might haveunresolved conflicts.
You might have differences ofopinions, different preferences.
It might be conflicts going on.
There might be cutoffs going on.
There might be all kinds ofdifferent dynamics happening and
playing out.
Family members.
(24:01):
They might have addictions andother things that they show up
with that could trigger you.
Even if you don't per se, youdon't have an addiction yourself
or you don't have a particularissue yourself, their stuff is
significant and it just triggersour own nervous system, right,
(24:22):
they just make us prickly.
It triggers us back in someregard.
So all of that in and of itselfplays out.
Then you might have throwbacksto past traumas, right?
So the scents, the music, thedecorations, the smells,
everything that has to do withthe holidays, the rituals, the
traditions, the way that thingsfeel and look, throw you back to
(24:47):
things that might have happenedin the past that maybe weren't
so satisfying and potentiallyeven very traumatic.
Right Depends on depending onwhat kind of background you came
from.
So not only do we have thefamily members showing a funky
that might trigger us, we have athrowback to how things might
(25:07):
have been that might trigger us.
We might have active currentconflicts and issues going on.
We might have things like beingworried to disappoint, to let
down, to embarrass.
We might have competitionthings going on, we might have
loyalty things going on.
(25:27):
So, as you could see, just thecontext is loaded.
So things that I mentionedbefore were kind of leading up
to family gatherings, likeplanning and doing the holidays,
and now we're in the familygathering and you're in the face
of all this additionalpotentially triggering things.
(25:51):
And again you could gettriggered mildly because you're
pretty stable usually and itjust kind of rattles you a
little bit.
Or you can get significantlytriggered if you have more
instability going on usually oryou have some mental health
things going on.
So again, this could be verychallenging times.
(26:14):
There are things in here alsolike I'm supposed to be happy
during the holidays.
The holidays are supposed to bemagical, so I'm sorry if I put
out content about that thatmight be triggering.
The intention is to inspireways of creating that for
yourself, not to give you, notto create pressure for you.
(26:35):
Okay, so you feel whatever youwant.
You're not pressured to doanything that you don't want to,
or feel bad if you don't do it.
Okay, it's just a little sidenote there for you.
But again, about this, you mightfeel sadness, you might feel
lost and grief, depending onwhat's happening in your life.
You might feel let down, youmight feel that you're not
(26:56):
measuring up.
There are so many things thatget kicked up right.
So what we want to do here isfigure out how to manage all
this stuff, and that's what I'mgoing to go into next.
So I'm going to give you a fewthings to help you.
First of all, get ahead of thisas much as possible.
(27:17):
Then help you manage itwhatever comes up for you as a
practice, but also in the moment, right.
So I'm going to try to have youback as much as possible here,
and then some of these thingsthat I'm going to offer are also
going to help you with thepost-holiday blues.
Stacy Francis (27:37):
To make sure that your financial plan the
plan that we'll talk about oflike what needs to be included.
What are the things you need tothink about?
We'll talk about that, buthaving both included, I will
tell you, is one of the topsecrets to a healthy and
financially successful marriage.
Emma Viglucci (27:56):
You know, I love how you started with that and
your suggestion, for bothpartners need to be involved in
the finances.
What a concept, right?
But so first let me say that alot of couples don't divide and
conquer the rest of theirresponsibilities and they create
(28:17):
hell because they don't knowwho's supposed to be in charge
of what and who's taking care.
I mean, there's all kinds ofthings in couples and
relationships.
So the fact that you even saidyou might be conquering,
dividing and conquering yes,guys, that's a given.
You should be doing that.
So that's number one.
But number two we don't want todo that when it comes to
finances.
Maybe, to some extent and indifferent ways, maybe we could
(28:38):
talk about that as we go in thisconversation today.
In what ways does it make senseto divide and conquer when it
comes to finances?
But not in terms of your vision, not in terms of your plan,
because you both want to haveyour minds together on that.
You want to be on the same page, right?
Stacy Francis (28:54):
Exactly and getting on the same page is
really important.
And the other thing I wouldjust say, too, about couples is
that you're combining two peoplewith completely different money
DNAs and knowing that you eachmay have different hopes and
dreams.
You also may have differentways of how you feel about money
(29:16):
.
You may have different waysabout how you spend or save
money, and that's fine.
In fact, I married someone thatis the antithesis of me.
If I have a dollar, I try andsave too.
I have a dollar, I try and savetwo.
Saving money for me is exciting.
My husband, if he has a dollar,he tries to spend two, and
(29:41):
he'll be the first to admit it.
So we have very different moneypersonalities, but what has
made our marriage work so well,and also what has made our
financial plan work so well, iswe've each communicated what we
need.
For me, I need to make surethat whatever dollar amount
we're supposed to save each year, that we do it.
(30:04):
And that gives me that feelingof safety, of comfort, because
for me, saving equals safety.
And for my husband, he, youknow, of course wants to save
money, but for him, he alsowants to have experiences.
He loves to go to concerts withmy son.
(30:25):
He loves to go to Broadwayshows.
He loves to travel and blessEmma.
He loves gadgets.
If anyone ever has a gadgetthat they need researched, just
reach out to me.
My husband's a professional atit especially if you're going to
buy it and we're not going tobuy it, but very important for
him then to know, like this isthe portion that you can spend.
(30:49):
And it took us a while to getthere, but now we have very
clear goals and we can honorwhat each of us need.
And for us, our goals have beenset up in three places.
We have a retirement goal ofwhen we each want to retire and
what our lifestyle is going tolook like and cost.
Number two, we have aneducation goal for our children
(31:12):
of being able to help them, ifnot ideally pay for everything
for college.
And number three, a ongoinglifestyle experience goal that's
more so for him than me ofbeing able to experience life to
the fullest, essentially liveas full of life as possible.
(31:33):
And so we continually talkabout that.
We check in and update ourfinancial plan at least once a
year to see are we on track?
And, if not, what do we need tobe doing to get us back on
track?
Emma Viglucci (31:50):
I love that, yeah , so I like how you're setting
up the different DNAs, right,because what you described is
very common, right?
There's the two people in therelationship who have very
different styles of managingmoney and their relationship to
money and what they think aboutsaving and spending and all this
(32:12):
kind of stuff.
I mean, this is like, yeah,that's what happens in couples,
right, and the thing is okay.
So how do we deal with thedifferences?
So I love what you'redescribing.
I'm going to hook you up withall kinds of goodies so that you
could turn this mood around ifyou're not feeling so hot, or
make it even better if you'refeeling okay and you just want
to really rock and roll in thenew year.
(32:32):
Okay.
So some things that you might beexperiencing for yourself.
Personally, you might feelthings like I was saying
unmotivated, sad, let down,uninspired, lonely, disconnected
, not good enough.
Just all kinds of feelings ofnot just not feeling yourself or
(32:59):
feeling well.
Now, if this is a morepervasive feeling for you, you
might be like well, that's how Ifeel all the time.
Then, still, that's not the waythat we usually should feel as
a human and therefore this stillapplies, regardless if this is
your normal state or if this ishow you're feeling right now,
temporarily.
Okay.
Now there's this whole spectrumthere as well.
(33:20):
So you might feel really,really, really blue, which we
might call an episode ofclinical depression and some
other diagnosis.
I don't need to throw diagnosisaround or you're just kind of
like, eh, you know, I'm notfeeling so hot, you know like I
haven't gotten into the group ofthe new year yet, so again it
could be like a whole spectrum.
(33:42):
Now, the way that this mightalso show up is that you might
have like all of the mentalhealth symptoms right, Like
anxiety, depression, your OCDmight get kicked up, your ADD
might get kicked up.
It's all kinds of your stuffmight be more heightened, might
be more obvious, and you mightexperience just things not
(34:06):
working out for you as much asyou would like them to work out
for you, Like things feel grindy.
The other way that it shows upis in relationship.
Now, in relationship, it mightlook something like you're not
getting along with your partner,your partner's getting on your
nerves.
You find that you're bickeringmore, or that you are getting
(34:27):
into more arguments, or thatyour arguments or your
disagreements escalate, thatthings could feel really
hopeless or that you might feelreally stuck.
Or you might feel that yourarguments or your disagreements
escalate, that things could feelreally hopeless, or that you
might feel really stuck.
Or you might feel that yourrelationship is not moving to
the next level, or that yourmarriage is not what you would
like it to be, or yourrelationship is not as committed
(34:47):
or as loving or as wonderful asyou would like it to be.
You might find within yourfamily unit that your children
are acting out.
Your children are symptomatic.
Your children are doing well inschool, your children are
getting into trouble, right.
So you might think, like what?
What does that have to do withpost-holiday blues or winter
(35:10):
blues?
This has to do with just ourstate of being, creating a
reality.
How we are showing up and howwe're feeling is actually
coloring how we are experiencingour relationships, our
interactions, our environment,and we're impacting those around
(35:30):
us as well.
Okay, so whether it's obviousthat you know we're cranky and
we snap at somebody andtherefore we affect their mood,
or it might not be so obvious,just our demeanor still has an
impact.
Just the way that we're beinghas an impact, even if it's not
very obvious.
And then you might have thingslike actually, before I go to
(35:54):
the next one, there's a wholerange there as well, right, you
could just be like feeling alittle disconnected and a little
off with your partner and yourchildren, giving your hard time
at bedtime one day.
Or it could go the wholespectrum where there's just
there was some severe thingsgoing on in your relationship
Betrayals, financial betrayal,romantic betrayal, all kinds of
(36:15):
all the betrayals and it's awhole gamut there as well, all
kinds of all the letdowns.
You might also have justdifferent degrees of things,
right, infertility.
You might have more severeissues with your children, right
.
So again, the whole gamut.
And then the last one isactually in your family, I'm
(36:39):
sorry, in your life in general,where everything in your home
breaks down, like your cardoesn't work or your electronics
go on the first all of a sudden.
I'm sure you experienced thislike this right, where just like
nothing goes right.
You're just like, oh my gosh,let me just go back to bed
because, like today, let mestart the day over.
So again, the whole spectrum.
(37:02):
It could be something temporarywhere you have a, you know, a
bad morning, or just your lifeis like, oh my gosh, one thing
after the other, right, likesevere things, like people's
homes burning down and I don'tknow.
I don't want to put bad vibesout there, but you know what I
mean.
Just like more severe things inlife happening, right, chronic
illness, like noses, and justnot feeling well all the time.
(37:23):
Just things happening.
So again the whole spectrumlosing jobs, losing family
members.
Now you might, again you mightsay what does it have to do with
my just post-holiday blues andjust me feeling a little blue?
What I'm showing you is how weare and how we feel actually has
(37:46):
a ripple effect in all of ourlife, and all of the things that
we create and all of the thingsthat we manifest and how we end
up showing up at the end of theday impacts all the things
around us.
And I'm not saying that yourbad mood made somebody die or
that it made your house burndown.
That is not what I'm saying,please, right, but just like
(38:07):
just our life has a flavor to it, right, we're part of creating
that flavor, just like we'rejust in a state where just
things don't work.
So that's what it might looklike.
So what we want to do is whoaright?
First, identify out of thosethree levels self relational and
(38:28):
just life in general.
How am I doing?
What does my spectrums looklike?
Am I just a little grindy atthe beginning, just like little
flavors, or is my stuff prettysevere, like higher in the
spectrum of things?
So that's for me to show youlike a quick assessment in terms
(38:50):
of how you could gauge, right,you will know that you're, of
how you could gauge, right, youwill know that you're not
feeling well, obviously, right,that's what that's.
That's maybe why you'relistening to this.
But your environment, yourexternal world that you're
creating, will be a reflectionalso of how you're feeling and
how you're doing.
And so, between your feelingsand your external world, your
(39:11):
inner and your outie, your innieand your outie worlds, will
show you how you are showing upto your life.
That's creating your state ofbeing, how you're feeling and
your life.
What does make changes andtransitions challenging, like
(39:32):
why?
Why are they?
Why is change hard?
Deborah Donenfeld (39:36):
I think that change is hard.
Well, first of all, a littlebit about what we were just
talking about.
Like we have an idea of howwe're supposed to feel about
them and then, when we don't, wehave all kinds of judgments
about that, and I think theunknown is really really hard
for people.
Just for humanity.
(39:57):
We don't like to jump intosomething, a big dark hole.
We don't know what's going tohappen on the other side.
We like to have control, welike to know what we're getting
into, and especially when we'reforced into a change that we
didn't want, we haven't even hadtime to maybe prepare ourselves
mentally for it, and so itreally that jumping into the
(40:22):
unknown can be very, very scary.
I think that that's a big partof why we don't like it.
Emma Viglucci (40:29):
You know what a good point, exactly, especially
if it wasn't something that wesought out right.
So I mean, as we said, they arechallenging, even with things
that we want.
So, even with things that wedon't want or that just got
sprung on us, it can be harder,because now you have to adjust
to this whole new thing.
Deborah Donenfeld (40:50):
That's right , and just imagine if it's hard
to make a change that you wanted.
How much harder is it going tobe to make a change that you
didn't want?
And we like to get settled intoour lives, think we know what
to expect, even though we knowsomewhere in our minds that we
have no control.
Really, we have very littlecontrol over what happens, but
we fool ourselves into thinkingthat we do have control because
(41:13):
that makes it easier to put onefoot in front of the other and
take the steps that we need totake to move forward in our
lives.
And this is like a rudeawakening kind of like having a
child.
The child is there, I think,first and foremost to show us
that actually you thought youhave control over your life.
You don't have any control.
Things are going to happen thatyou cannot control, and that
(41:36):
happens with a lot of differentkinds of change.
Emma Viglucci (41:38):
Yeah, absolutely so right.
So, even if you like it, it'shard.
Even if you want it, it's hard,nevermind if you didn't want it
, and especially if you weren'tanticipating or expecting, and
if it just if it surprises you,because now everything's upside
down and you're not ready, andyou're not ready for it, You're
not ready for it and it may justnot be how you saw your life
(41:58):
moving forward.
Deborah Donenfeld (41:59):
If you saw yourself living in a particular
home for the rest of your lifewithin your community and now
suddenly you have to move,that's a real, it's a jarring
effect.
Or if you're getting a divorcewhen you thought you were going
to be staying together and thenyou're worried about the impact
on the kids.
Also, if you have children, itmay also be changes that you
(42:25):
it's hard to see the benefitbecause you're so invested in
the benefit of your life beingthe way it is and the way you
had planned for it to be.
Emma Viglucci (42:36):
That is perfect, Right?
I think that's a huge thing,Aside from trying to have
control and we know that wecan't right, Because things just
play out and no matter how muchwe exert control or power over
something, things stillpotentially go sideways or play
out differently than we hadexpected.
But aside from that, I love.
What you just said is okay.
(42:57):
You expected things to be acertain way or to play out a
certain way, or you werecommitted to the thing or the
person and you had this idea ofhow things were going to be, and
now it's not.
So earlier you mentioned a loss.
Now we're talking aboutadjusting to something different
, so having maybe like anidentity tied into also what was
(43:22):
or what is and what ishappening was to become, and
that's just like woohoo.
Brigitte Zeitlin (43:28):
I think what trips a lot of people up, but
like what most women are doingwrong if we will when it comes
to to weight loss, is they'rehyper-focused on what they're
taking out, what they'reeliminating from their diet.
They're not eating carbs,they've gave up bananas or fruit
, they're no longer eating dairy, they're not eating gluten,
they're not eating this, they'renot eating that.
(43:48):
But when it comes to when itcomes to your nutrition and your
health and your waistline, it'sreally, really all about what
you're adding in, right, notwhat we're taking out.
But what are we putting intoyour life?
What are we putting into yourday?
If you're let's say you're ifyou're giving up you know any
food that you're giving up, it'sonly as beneficial for you as
(44:13):
the food you're replacing itwith, right?
So the foods that you're makingmore space for, the foods
you're eating more of, are whatmatters, versus what you're
eating less of, what we'reincluding into our diet, what
we're putting into our bodies,and I think when women first
reach out to me to work togetherone-on-one, they're frequently
like no, but I don't understand.
(44:33):
I don't understand why thescale isn't coming off.
I've given up.
I gave up the carbs.
I haven't had a bagel in yearsand this, and I'm not eating
this and I don't eat that, butthe scale isn't budging and I'm
like great, what are we eating?
Right, what are you putting in?
Emma Viglucci (44:47):
What a good point .
Because half the time, you know, whenever I'm air quotes,
watching more or being moremindful in my way, I'm sure that
after a conversation I'm gonnabe like, hmm, maybe not so good,
but those during those times,potentially the thought is like,
well, can't eat this, can't eatthat, can't eat that.
(45:08):
They can not deal with the end,the other thing and the other
things.
Like, well, what the hell can Ieat?
And you know, like what can Ieat?
So I love the way that you'resetting this up and it's it's
not about all the things thatyou're taking out, but it's more
about what you're putting ininstead yeah, exactly like you
know what is on your plate, whatis getting into your body.
That's what matters so much more, so, so, so much more very good
(45:29):
, lovely, well, and so what doyou want to go from here?
Do you want to describe whatsome of those things should be,
or?
I know that one of the thingsthat people worry about is okay,
so when I eat these things Iget bloated or where's my gut
health?
And I just go right ahead Likewhat?
What is the best way to setourselves up to have good food
(45:49):
experience?
Brigitte Zeitlin (45:51):
Absolutely.
That's a great question, Iwould say.
If, if bloat and gut health issomething you're you're
interested in, or or weight lossis something you're focusing on
, you know, a good place tostart for both of these two
things are is a food journal.
To keep a food journal and notsomething where you have to
obsess and like, weigheverything and write it all down
(46:11):
.
None of that, but just ajournal of like what time it is,
what day it is and what you'reeating for breakfast, what
you're eating for lunch, whatyou're eating for a snack, if
you're having a snack, whatyou're eating for dinner, and
this will help you in multipleways.
But let's say we're talkingabout bloat.
If you're also writing down howyou feel after that meal or
(46:31):
throughout the day, how you feelafter that meal or throughout
the day, you'll be able to startto notice a pattern, like when
you eat legumes, right, maybeyou're feeling bloated.
When you have dairy, maybeyou're feeling bloated.
It's really easy to if we'rekeeping it all in our head,
right, if you're not writingthings down on paper, it's
really easy to think likeeverything makes me bloated.
Every time I eat, I get bloatedand maybe, maybe that's true,
(46:55):
but you might notice some really, really specific patterns Once
we take it out of our head andput it down on paper.
Emma Viglucci (47:02):
What's the deal with my relationship?
Where's my relationship at?
What's the status of myrelationship?
Do I need to build arelationship because it's
feeling unsafe, not secure?
To build a relationship becauseit's feeling unsafe, not secure
, unstable, conflictual,disconnected, funky, right,
which is all of those things?
This is usually where peoplecome to see us for couples
(47:23):
therapy or marriage counseling,because it's just not feeling
right, like you're notsynchronizing, you're not
getting your needs met.
You might be fighting a lot andgetting on each other's nerves,
potentially considering evenleaving each other, just because
you just can't make it work.
If that's the case, then weneed to do relationship building
.
Now.
If your relationship is fairlygood and you're just like, hmm,
(47:44):
we have an amazing relationship,but we're having a hard time
getting to the intimacy placemore better, just because all
these things you know, lifehappens just like we've been
talking about today and I wouldjust love to spice it up a bit.
Let's make the relationshipeven better.
How do we get to the eroticismand romance and passion and the
(48:04):
yummy stuff, and for that wecall it passion building, okay,
so choose for yourself, and ofcourse you want that too.
If you're building yourrelationship, I get it, but it's
hard to build that stuff ifyou're not getting along okay.
This is where people gettripped up.
So we got to do first thingsfirst.
It doesn't mean that you neverhave sex again, that's not what
(48:25):
I'm saying.
That means that you continue todo your intimacy, like you
usually do while you do yourrelationship building.
And we could do some otherthings in there too.
Right, once you hear what I'mgoing to offer, it doesn't mean
that you don't work on that atall, don't invest in that at all
, don't play with that at all.
That's not what I'm saying.
But you're more focused on theother side, because once your
(48:45):
relationship is stronger andmore built, then it's much
easier to do the other stuff andmore fun, right.
You'll get more bang for yourbuck, if you may.
Okay.
So for relationship building,what we want to do is address
your attachment, love.
Usually, what's happening hereis that you're not feeling very
secure or very loved or veryconnected, and what would need
(49:07):
to happen is to do nurturing ofthe relationship and of each
other, and so we would do thatthrough connection habits, okay,
and I'm going to give you someexamples of those in a second
and then, if you're working onpassion building.
What we want to work is onpassion, love, and what that
looks like is that we want tobuilding alluring habits, and
(49:32):
for the first one, we donurturing, for the second one,
we do enticing.
So if your relationship needsmore building, we're going to do
nurturing, we're going to workon attachment, love and creating
security and connection andmaking it work better.
And if you're looking forpassion, we're going to do
enticing love, where we're gonnabuild in some alluring habits
(49:55):
just to spice things up.
And this is on our spectrum,guys.
Okay, so it doesn't mean thatyou know that, um, the different
worlds it might feel like thedifferent worlds, um, but you
could slide back and forthdepending on the status of your
relationship, but at any givenmoment, okay, so it doesn't mean
that it's so discreet and it'seither this or this.
(50:16):
You could slide.
Nobody's stuck anywhere.
Sometimes we might feel muchbetter about our relationship
and it's easier to go to theother side, where you could be
more spicy.
And then all the times, we werereally struggling, and there's
no way that we're going to beintimate, right, and so it
(50:37):
depends on what's going on atany given time in the season of
life that your relationship isin and it's still good.
There's no right, there's nowrong, there's nothing.
There's nothing happening.
You just play with what youhave and you make the best of it
and you create what you like.
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited for today'sepisode.
We are doing a celebration.
We're celebrating our podcast'sfirst year anniversary.
So exciting.
Last year at this time we wereputting together our first
episode and it was with so muchexcitement.
(00:20):
For a longtime dream come true.
And now it's a year after andI'm so happy that we have been
able to bring this to you twotimes a month, on Wednesdays,
and share with you colleagues,friends and experts on topics
that I find super interestingand that I think that will
(00:42):
support you in your journey.
So today's episodes are it's acompilation of highlights or
segments that I selected fromthe first set of episodes from
last year.
So it's like nice quick, rapidfire content so that you could
(01:03):
have a whole gamut of things toplay with and find what
resonates for you the most thatyou want to play with.
So if something that'sresonating for you a lot and
you're like, oh interesting, Ilove this guest or I love this
topic or that content soundsreally interesting, feel free to
go check out the full episodefor that particular guest.
(01:23):
I also did a few solo episodes,so feel free to dive into those
if the content resonates foryou and that's what you're
looking for.
So this is a celebration of thefirst year of this podcast.
We're doing in this episode thefirst set of the year.
We split the episodes into two,so we're doing one set in this
episode, another set in twoweeks from now.
(01:45):
So stay tuned for those andenjoy the highlights.
Take away what serves you,enjoy and implement and play
away with those.
Feel free again to dig into theones that resonate the most.
That, if you want more, in thedescription you will find the
list of all of the guests with adirect link to the particular
(02:05):
episode.
If you want to dive deeper andif you're interested, go to our
podcast page.
We have a new page, by the way,too, so excited about that
MetroRelationshipcom forwardslash podcast.
There you have access to a giftthat we have to our visitors
the Relationship Enrichment minicourse.
But in that we're also going toadd a compilation of all of the
(02:30):
guests with a direct link totheir episode and the gift that
they share with us.
So you don't have to go diggingthrough all of the episodes for
something or searching for thethings.
You're going to have everythingin one compilation handy in
your inbox, if you're interested.
So feel free to check that outNow.
(02:50):
Today we're going to cover, likeI said, the first half of the
year and enjoy, enjoy thesegments, enjoy the takeaways,
enjoy the snippets and staytuned for two weeks from now.
The second part of this, andwe're celebrating the guests and
the topics.
All of that is for you, tosupport you in your journey.
The guests support you, Isupport you.
(03:13):
I bring these topics andconversations to deepen the
connection with yourself, withyour partner, with the world at
large.
We want to have a granderexperience, create our best
relationship and our best life,so all of the topics are
selected for that purpose.
If you have specific topicsthat you would like to hear,
please let us know in thecomments.
I would love to know what's ofinterest to you.
(03:34):
We recently did a poll, sowe're going to take that into
consideration going forward.
But feel free to always let usknow what you want more of and
when you enjoy.
Feel free to always let us knowwhat you want more of and when
you enjoy.
Carole Cullen (03:50):
Now, without further ado, for today, enjoy
the selections for you and havea fabulous one.
Prioritizing quality time withyour partner is about spending
focused, intentional, scheduled,sometimes time with your
partner for connection, intimacy, fun, playfulness, joy,
lightheartedness, humor.
(04:14):
I do think a lot of couples getstuck here.
But let's talk about whatquality time is first, and then
we'll talk about ways in whichpeople get stuck right,
connected in a way that you usedto be early in your
relationship, and I think wejust forget that that's
important and we forget how toconnect in that way, because
life gets busy, right, andthat's one of the ways that we
get barriers is, life gets busyand we don't prioritize that.
So focusing on scheduling timefirst is going to be really
(04:36):
important.
Scheduling a date night orscheduling time just to talk is
a way that couples can build thebond in their relationship.
It allows for their partner tofeel like they are important to
their partner because they'remaking time to spend with them.
So it's just the fact that youput it on the calendar and make
that time is the step in theright direction to show your
(04:57):
partner.
It builds trust too, right?
I can trust and count on youthat you're going to be there
for me when I need you becauseyou're already doing it in times
when it's not critical.
So if you can do it in timeswhen it's not critical, I know
I'm going to be able to count onyou to be there for me in ways
that are important when I doneed you.
So it's building trust in therelationship as well as
(05:19):
connecting.
Emma Viglucci (05:21):
I love that you brought up that angle right,
because people have a reactionto scheduling things with their
partner.
I mean, they might have plansright, but scheduling couple
time is scheduling um dates.
They might be able to do datenight fairly simple, but like
the consistency of scheduling itand making it, keeping it
(05:42):
ongoing is challenging.
And sexy time forget it.
Don't even tell people toschedule sexy time.
That's a whole otherconversation.
But I love what you're sayingright now, that if you schedule
the time or if you make the timefor that connection, for being
together in whatever capacitywe're talking about, and your
(06:04):
partner shows up, that that isbuilding trust.
And a lot of people ask how youbuild trust right, especially
when they have certainsituations going on.
This is one of the ways.
So good, so good.
So anything else about qualitytime connection, the different
(06:24):
types of quality time you weregoing there yeah, I think also.
Carole Cullen (06:29):
Just um, sharing in activities together.
It has been a very tough topicto touch with couples at times,
because you'll get a lot ofcouples that will say well, we
have nothing in common, we don'tdo anything together, we don't
like any of the same things, andthat is probably very true for
(06:51):
them, right?
Maybe one likes to golf and theother one likes to knit, maybe
the other one is social and theother one is not social, right?
So they probably are verydifferent and so having shared
activities is really hard forthem.
So I think couples that aresuccessful find ways to share in
activities together that workfor both of them.
(07:12):
And sometimes sometimes, emma,you're not going to believe this
, but sometimes we do things wedon't always like in a
relationship because it'simportant to our partner.
Can you believe people do thatlike in a relationship because
it's?
Emma Viglucci (07:25):
important to our partner.
Can you believe people do that?
Well, I would say that verycautiously, carol, because when
people say, well, then I'malways doing stuff that I don't
like or I don't want my partnerto do things they don't want,
right.
That also gets in the way ofthe conversation, and what I
usually offer around thatconversation is you don't have
to love the activity, but youcould can love the time together
, right?
And so it's not about theactivity at the end of the day.
(07:46):
If you're in this side of thatspectrum, so don't get hung up
on the fact that you might notlike this thing or this activity
, this experience.
It's not about that at the endof the day.
It's that in the joining andthe doing of it together, that
is what counts.
People get lost in thedifferent sides of things that
are not that important at theend of the day and they make it
(08:06):
their thing and it's not theirthing.
Nermine Zakhary (08:09):
We will have people in our world that we
clash with, that we might havesome conflict with or we don't
understand.
We don't see eye to eye onthings Right, and oftentimes
it's people that are close to uswhere their strengths and how
they operate and the way theysee things very likely sit in my
, sit in my oh, m g, so you'retalking shadows.
Emma Viglucci (08:32):
Now that could be a whole different podcast, but
this is amazing how it's allcoming together, wow.
So that's why they aggravate us, because we don't see the
benefit of them, whatever.
But we may have them too, whichis not getting in touch with
them, and so so whatever bothersus about somebody else, but we
may have them too, which is notgetting in touch with them, and
so so whatever bothers us aboutsomebody else is we usually have
.
That's the shadows work yeahit's really right, also have.
Nermine Zakhary (08:55):
But I mean in the context of from a strengths
lens perspective, sure, andassuming that we have, it's very
likely that my strengths mightsit in your blind spot and your
strengths might sit in my blindspot.
And that means that there's anopportunity, a greater
opportunity, for us to clashbecause, because we don't
understand how the other personoperates or why, why they
(09:20):
operate the way that they doNice.
So, and then the thing we don'tunderstand we tend to reject.
Yep, we go on a reallyinteresting journey when we
begin to understand.
Okay, so intellectually, weunderstand, we get.
You know I can do things, andand you know that, uh, you might
(09:41):
not do as readily, and viceversa.
Okay, we understand that.
But when we take a look at the34 strengths and start to think
about I have adaptability, maybeI lead with adaptability, but
it might be number 34 for myhusband.
So then where does that take us?
So, as far as he's concerned,my adaptabilityability, he
(10:04):
doesn't understand why I needthis flexibility and all these
options, and really you're meananother pair of shoes and and
and what have you right?
My strength could be in someoneelse's blind spot.
That understanding that theydon't see it, they don't
understand.
It allows us us to take thething that we used to reject and
(10:30):
maybe come to a place where wecan tolerate it, because now I
understand.
Okay, the thing is, I don'tunderstand it because it's not
something that I have, so we'vetaken.
Now we've shed a layer of abarrier that might be between us
and I'm able to see a littlebit more clearly that, okay, I
(10:52):
get that this is something thatcomes naturally for you and is
important to you.
The next thing now that I cantolerate that we have this
difference, I might start tonotice more openly when you're
using it actively and I mightnotice the positive.
I might notice how youcontribute in a really
interesting way or the impactthat you made in an area that I
(11:17):
really didn't know how to handle.
And so now I become a littlebit more accepting of that
difference between us.
I become a little bit moreaccepting of that difference
between us.
Later on, now that I've becomemore accepting, I might invite
you to use that in a veryspecific situation.
That really helps me out.
And now I begin to appreciatethat gift that you have.
(11:41):
That's been this differencebetween us and now what a
blessing it is that you're ableto do that and bring that into
our relationship and look atwhat we can accomplish together
because of our combined strength.
Emma Viglucci (11:56):
Amazing.
I love how that all comestogether.
So now I am going to give yousome more specific takeaways.
To do this is your assignment,or your homework, if you may.
The first one is to invite yourpartner to have a what I like
to call a state of the unionconversation.
So you just say, like you knowwhat, let's check in how are we
(12:19):
doing, how's life?
You know, how are we doing as a, as as a partnership, as a
couple, in terms of creating thelife that we want to create,
and don't make it intense orheavy or shaming or critical or
heavy.
You know, like, take it easy,it's okay, it's supposed to be
light and fun and curious, justnice, right.
So then from here, we're goingto build stuff, we're going to
(12:40):
have fun, we can reach ourrelationship and we create
awesomeness.
So go into that conversationwith that approach, with that
energy, and then part of thatconversation is going to be out
of these five elements I'm goingto recap in again in a second
the five, so that you have themhandy which one do we want to
focus on?
Which one feels like it needs alittle bit of attention from us
(13:01):
?
That will serve us.
If we pull that lever, it willmake a lot of difference to
create a big shift in ourrelationship in another life.
Right, just bring things to thenext level.
So the five elements again arenumber one context and mindset.
Number two communication andalignment.
Number three clarity anddynamics.
(13:21):
Number four connection andintimacy.
Number five collaboration andpartnership.
Okay, so takeaway number two istwo things One, build into your
routine a self-love practice,because when you're taking care
(13:42):
of your needs and you're takingcare of yourself, you become a
lot less triggerable.
You create more resilience, yourewire yourself, you repattern
yourself, you do all kinds ofgoodies and in that you're not
going to be so easily trippablewhen you have an interaction
with your partner where you gointo a loop.
Okay, so you have recurringthings happening.
(14:05):
If you take care of you, you'llbecome less likely to get stuck
there.
To get stuck there.
And the other one with this iscreate a partner love practice.
And a partner love practice iswhat I was talking about in
terms of the connection habits.
You're putting stuff into yourroutine where you just focus on
(14:27):
nurturing your partner, givingthem special touches and acts of
kindness and just beautifulthings, so that you take care of
them and you show them yourlove and you seamlessly enrich
the relationship and you nurturethe relationship.
And then three for takeaway, andthis is what I had promised
earlier.
(14:47):
This one is as part of theconnection habits at nighttime,
before bed or any part of theday that makes sense for your
life, and if this feels like toomuch, it doesn't have to be
daily.
It could be a couple of times aweek or during the weekend that
you pick the cadence that makessense for you.
And that is to build inappreciations.
So doing appreciation sessionswith your partner, where you
(15:09):
take a few moments to share witheach other all the things that
you appreciate about them, thatyou love about them, that they
did recently, how they showed upfor the day, how they're
working on things, how you couldsee what efforts they're making
or what stretches they did, orwhatever.
You could highlight all thegood stuff that you're noticing,
that they're working on or justshowing up with, because
(15:32):
they're showing up with theirawesomeness and you notice it,
or their strengths, right.
So anything good that you loveabout them or that you
appreciate that they're doing,you could share with them and
then they could share the samewith you.
So you both, you do an exchangeof appreciations, and that's
the quickest way to add somegood, positive stuff into your
relationship.
Christine Luken (15:53):
You know, I think it's very important for us
to be patient with each otherand, you know, just because
someone wants to do thingsdifferently, it doesn't mean
that it's wrong.
Really, really, we're allowedto disagree.
(16:13):
We are allowed to disagree, weare allowed to disagree.
And in fact, you know, I dothink that it can be important
for spouses and partners to havesome separate spending money so
that they can feel like theyhave complete autonomy over a
piece of their finances andreally not owe any explanation
(16:37):
to the other person, right?
Because sometimes we can feellike, when we enter into a
partnership, that none of itreally belongs to us, right?
Or you might feel like yourpartner scrutinizes your
spending, and it's sointeresting because a lot of
people think that going onto abudget is actually going to make
(16:59):
things harder for them.
Now, I don't like the wordbudget, and tomorrow I'm
actually recording an episodeabout the whole topic of budgets
and why people don't like them.
I prefer to call it a spendingplan.
That is part of your overallprosperity plan.
There's actually a lot offreedom in the spending plan,
(17:21):
because if we have decided thatwe're going to spend $400 on
clothes this month, then when Icome in through the garage with
my packages and my spouse sayswell, what are you buying?
Now I'll say less than what wasin the budget, right, you know,
(17:44):
it doesn't matter if I walk inwith one package or six packages
, like we've already agreed thatthis is what gets spent on
clothing this month, and as longas I'm there or under, then it
removes the fighting from thefinancial situation.
Emma Viglucci (17:59):
I love it.
You know that's interestingthat you approach that concept
from that place of it's okay tohave our own money.
I'm encountering with couples alittle bit of the opposite, so
I'm wondering if we could talkabout that as well, which is
couples come.
They're professional people,progressive, independent,
(18:26):
established.
They all already have their ownmoney.
They all already have their ownstuff.
Yeah, and the problem is, howdo we create that joint piece?
Yes, right, this is huge.
We create that joint piece yes.
This is huge.
Christine Luken (18:37):
Yes, how many thoughts about that?
Yeah, it can be huge,especially when you've got
second marriages, when you'vegot blended families.
It really can add a lot ofcomplexity and, honestly, when
you've got situations like thatand you've got people who are
high income earners, youprobably need to bring attorneys
(18:57):
into the situation.
As far as things like estateplanning and potentially, you
know prenuptial agreements etc.
I am not against any of that.
In fact, I think it's verysmart, smart thing to do.
I'll tell you how my husband andI handle our finances, because
I find that for a lot of people,this works well.
(19:19):
When we got married, we werebasically we were on pretty
equal footing financially.
As you know, part of my storyis that I crashed and burned
financially in my mid-20s,despite having an accounting
degree, and that was because Iwas engaged to a guy with
horrible money habits, and soonce I got out of that
relationship like I was in ahole.
(19:41):
You know, my credit was allmessed up.
I had debt that needed to bepaid off, but by the time that
my husband and I got married, Ihad rectified the majority of
that and we were making aboutequal incomes.
So what we decided to do is, weopened up a joint account and
(20:04):
we basically deposited a certainamount in.
So it's like one week I deposit, the other week he deposits,
and we just, you know, wefigured out, okay, this is what
we need to pay the mortgage, topay the insurance, pay the
utilities, you know, vet bills,etc.
And then the rest of our moneywas ours to spend.
(20:25):
Now, as the years went by, wehave changed our approach.
You know there's been timeswhere my business wasn't doing
great and he had to kick in more.
You know there was a time, youknow, he was laid off for four
months and I kicked in more thanhe did.
Because it's about having apartnership right, and I think
(20:47):
when you agree on what your maingoals are, it's much easier to
do.
That Can both people contributeequally to all the household
expenditures, and I think that'swhen having a financial coach
and potentially a relationshipcoach also, can be a really good
(21:07):
idea.
Yep.
Emma Viglucci (21:10):
Yes, so some of the things that come into mind
that deal with some of thesethings.
They might not have the blendedfamily situation, they might
not have the complexity, butthey might have a disparity in
earning potentials.
So when a partner who makes alot more than the other expects
them to kick in the same amount,how does that even make sense,
(21:33):
especially when they have anexpensive lifestyle?
Christine Luken (21:35):
Right.
So in that situation I wouldhave it not be equal, I would
have it be proportional.
So, for example, if one personis bringing in 60% of the income
, the other person is bringingin 40% of the income, then when
we look at what needs to go intothe bill account, then the
person with the higher income isputting in 60% of the income.
Then when we look at what needsto go into the bill account,
then the person with the higherincome is putting in 60% and the
(21:57):
other person's putting in 40%.
Rich Heller (22:01):
And you know, usually what the man really
wants is they want to have aloving relationship and a happy
family right and they're justfreaking clueless.
We are clueless is the problem.
Emma Viglucci (22:13):
I wouldn't necessarily say that.
I think I you mentioned that afew times that you might be
showing, the guys might beshowing up a certain way, but
there's all this emotion goingon underneath and that might be
confusing to the interactions inthe moment.
And so for both partners tohonor that, I might be yelling
but I don't mean to, I'm not,you know, I might be angry but
I'm not angry at you.
Or I might be angry at you butmy intention is to reconnect
(22:36):
with you.
Yeah Right.
Rich Heller (22:38):
So and anger can be expressed that way safely.
That I hear.
I think there's.
This is kind of a missing piecefor men though it's.
We don't make it okay for mento have feelings.
I think part of it is to makeit okay for the man to know that
there are times when it's allright for him to be vulnerable,
to be sad, to feel hurt, to feelfearful.
(23:00):
You know that you won't thinkhe's less of a man for having it
.
And of course, the problem withthose feelings for the man who
instinctively wants to be theprotector is you can't protect
anyone when you're in thosefeelings, when you're in those
feelings you feel like a victim.
Emma Viglucci (23:13):
Right.
Well, you feel incompetent orit's not good, Like how are you
going to be protective if you'refeeling weak?
Nermine Zakhary (23:19):
Right.
Emma Viglucci (23:19):
So, oh my gosh, I love that incongruency for guys
.
I feel bad.
I totally hear that and I thinkthat if us women, if we could
have that compassion for how wemight set guys up in that
predicament, that we might get alot more mileage out of the
situation.
The other things that happensduring the holidays is that we
get to have more contact withour family.
(23:41):
What happens now, when we'recloser to family members, when
we're in proximity to our familyof origin?
First of all, you might haveunresolved conflicts.
You might have differences ofopinions, different preferences.
It might be conflicts going on.
There might be cutoffs going on.
There might be all kinds ofdifferent dynamics happening and
playing out.
Family members.
(24:01):
They might have addictions andother things that they show up
with that could trigger you.
Even if you don't per se, youdon't have an addiction yourself
or you don't have a particularissue yourself, their stuff is
significant and it just triggersour own nervous system, right,
(24:22):
they just make us prickly.
It triggers us back in someregard.
So all of that in and of itselfplays out.
Then you might have throwbacksto past traumas, right?
So the scents, the music, thedecorations, the smells,
everything that has to do withthe holidays, the rituals, the
traditions, the way that thingsfeel and look, throw you back to
(24:47):
things that might have happenedin the past that maybe weren't
so satisfying and potentiallyeven very traumatic.
Right Depends on depending onwhat kind of background you came
from.
So not only do we have thefamily members showing a funky
that might trigger us, we have athrowback to how things might
(25:07):
have been that might trigger us.
We might have active currentconflicts and issues going on.
We might have things like beingworried to disappoint, to let
down, to embarrass.
We might have competitionthings going on, we might have
loyalty things going on.
(25:27):
So, as you could see, just thecontext is loaded.
So things that I mentionedbefore were kind of leading up
to family gatherings, likeplanning and doing the holidays,
and now we're in the familygathering and you're in the face
of all this additionalpotentially triggering things.
(25:51):
And again you could gettriggered mildly because you're
pretty stable usually and itjust kind of rattles you a
little bit.
Or you can get significantlytriggered if you have more
instability going on usually oryou have some mental health
things going on.
So again, this could be verychallenging times.
(26:14):
There are things in here alsolike I'm supposed to be happy
during the holidays.
The holidays are supposed to bemagical, so I'm sorry if I put
out content about that thatmight be triggering.
The intention is to inspireways of creating that for
yourself, not to give you, notto create pressure for you.
(26:35):
Okay, so you feel whatever youwant.
You're not pressured to doanything that you don't want to,
or feel bad if you don't do it.
Okay, it's just a little sidenote there for you.
But again, about this, you mightfeel sadness, you might feel
lost and grief, depending onwhat's happening in your life.
You might feel let down, youmight feel that you're not
(26:56):
measuring up.
There are so many things thatget kicked up right.
So what we want to do here isfigure out how to manage all
this stuff, and that's what I'mgoing to go into next.
So I'm going to give you a fewthings to help you.
First of all, get ahead of thisas much as possible.
(27:17):
Then help you manage itwhatever comes up for you as a
practice, but also in the moment, right.
So I'm going to try to have youback as much as possible here,
and then some of these thingsthat I'm going to offer are also
going to help you with thepost-holiday blues.
Stacy Francis (27:37):
To make sure that your financial plan the
plan that we'll talk about oflike what needs to be included.
What are the things you need tothink about?
We'll talk about that, buthaving both included, I will
tell you, is one of the topsecrets to a healthy and
financially successful marriage.
Emma Viglucci (27:56):
You know, I love how you started with that and
your suggestion, for bothpartners need to be involved in
the finances.
What a concept, right?
But so first let me say that alot of couples don't divide and
conquer the rest of theirresponsibilities and they create
(28:17):
hell because they don't knowwho's supposed to be in charge
of what and who's taking care.
I mean, there's all kinds ofthings in couples and
relationships.
So the fact that you even saidyou might be conquering,
dividing and conquering yes,guys, that's a given.
You should be doing that.
So that's number one.
But number two we don't want todo that when it comes to
finances.
Maybe, to some extent and indifferent ways, maybe we could
(28:38):
talk about that as we go in thisconversation today.
In what ways does it make senseto divide and conquer when it
comes to finances?
But not in terms of your vision, not in terms of your plan,
because you both want to haveyour minds together on that.
You want to be on the same page, right?
Stacy Francis (28:54):
Exactly and getting on the same page is
really important.
And the other thing I wouldjust say, too, about couples is
that you're combining two peoplewith completely different money
DNAs and knowing that you eachmay have different hopes and
dreams.
You also may have differentways of how you feel about money
(29:16):
.
You may have different waysabout how you spend or save
money, and that's fine.
In fact, I married someone thatis the antithesis of me.
If I have a dollar, I try andsave too.
I have a dollar, I try and savetwo.
Saving money for me is exciting.
My husband, if he has a dollar,he tries to spend two, and
(29:41):
he'll be the first to admit it.
So we have very different moneypersonalities, but what has
made our marriage work so well,and also what has made our
financial plan work so well, iswe've each communicated what we
need.
For me, I need to make surethat whatever dollar amount
we're supposed to save each year, that we do it.
(30:04):
And that gives me that feelingof safety, of comfort, because
for me, saving equals safety.
And for my husband, he, youknow, of course wants to save
money, but for him, he alsowants to have experiences.
He loves to go to concerts withmy son.
(30:25):
He loves to go to Broadwayshows.
He loves to travel and blessEmma.
He loves gadgets.
If anyone ever has a gadgetthat they need researched, just
reach out to me.
My husband's a professional atit especially if you're going to
buy it and we're not going tobuy it, but very important for
him then to know, like this isthe portion that you can spend.
(30:49):
And it took us a while to getthere, but now we have very
clear goals and we can honorwhat each of us need.
And for us, our goals have beenset up in three places.
We have a retirement goal ofwhen we each want to retire and
what our lifestyle is going tolook like and cost.
Number two, we have aneducation goal for our children
(31:12):
of being able to help them, ifnot ideally pay for everything
for college.
And number three, a ongoinglifestyle experience goal that's
more so for him than me ofbeing able to experience life to
the fullest, essentially liveas full of life as possible.
(31:33):
And so we continually talkabout that.
We check in and update ourfinancial plan at least once a
year to see are we on track?
And, if not, what do we need tobe doing to get us back on
track?
Emma Viglucci (31:50):
I love that, yeah , so I like how you're setting
up the different DNAs, right,because what you described is
very common, right?
There's the two people in therelationship who have very
different styles of managingmoney and their relationship to
money and what they think aboutsaving and spending and all this
(32:12):
kind of stuff.
I mean, this is like, yeah,that's what happens in couples,
right, and the thing is okay.
So how do we deal with thedifferences?
So I love what you'redescribing.
I'm going to hook you up withall kinds of goodies so that you
could turn this mood around ifyou're not feeling so hot, or
make it even better if you'refeeling okay and you just want
to really rock and roll in thenew year.
(32:32):
Okay.
So some things that you might beexperiencing for yourself.
Personally, you might feelthings like I was saying
unmotivated, sad, let down,uninspired, lonely, disconnected
, not good enough.
Just all kinds of feelings ofnot just not feeling yourself or
(32:59):
feeling well.
Now, if this is a morepervasive feeling for you, you
might be like well, that's how Ifeel all the time.
Then, still, that's not the waythat we usually should feel as
a human and therefore this stillapplies, regardless if this is
your normal state or if this ishow you're feeling right now,
temporarily.
Okay.
Now there's this whole spectrumthere as well.
(33:20):
So you might feel really,really, really blue, which we
might call an episode ofclinical depression and some
other diagnosis.
I don't need to throw diagnosisaround or you're just kind of
like, eh, you know, I'm notfeeling so hot, you know like I
haven't gotten into the group ofthe new year yet, so again it
could be like a whole spectrum.
(33:42):
Now, the way that this mightalso show up is that you might
have like all of the mentalhealth symptoms right, Like
anxiety, depression, your OCDmight get kicked up, your ADD
might get kicked up.
It's all kinds of your stuffmight be more heightened, might
be more obvious, and you mightexperience just things not
(34:06):
working out for you as much asyou would like them to work out
for you, Like things feel grindy.
The other way that it shows upis in relationship.
Now, in relationship, it mightlook something like you're not
getting along with your partner,your partner's getting on your
nerves.
You find that you're bickeringmore, or that you are getting
(34:27):
into more arguments, or thatyour arguments or your
disagreements escalate, thatthings could feel really
hopeless or that you might feelreally stuck.
Or you might feel that yourarguments or your disagreements
escalate, that things could feelreally hopeless, or that you
might feel really stuck.
Or you might feel that yourrelationship is not moving to
the next level, or that yourmarriage is not what you would
like it to be, or yourrelationship is not as committed
(34:47):
or as loving or as wonderful asyou would like it to be.
You might find within yourfamily unit that your children
are acting out.
Your children are symptomatic.
Your children are doing well inschool, your children are
getting into trouble, right.
So you might think, like what?
What does that have to do withpost-holiday blues or winter
(35:10):
blues?
This has to do with just ourstate of being, creating a
reality.
How we are showing up and howwe're feeling is actually
coloring how we are experiencingour relationships, our
interactions, our environment,and we're impacting those around
(35:30):
us as well.
Okay, so whether it's obviousthat you know we're cranky and
we snap at somebody andtherefore we affect their mood,
or it might not be so obvious,just our demeanor still has an
impact.
Just the way that we're beinghas an impact, even if it's not
very obvious.
And then you might have thingslike actually, before I go to
(35:54):
the next one, there's a wholerange there as well, right, you
could just be like feeling alittle disconnected and a little
off with your partner and yourchildren, giving your hard time
at bedtime one day.
Or it could go the wholespectrum where there's just
there was some severe thingsgoing on in your relationship
Betrayals, financial betrayal,romantic betrayal, all kinds of
(36:15):
all the betrayals and it's awhole gamut there as well, all
kinds of all the letdowns.
You might also have justdifferent degrees of things,
right, infertility.
You might have more severeissues with your children, right
.
So again, the whole gamut.
And then the last one isactually in your family, I'm
(36:39):
sorry, in your life in general,where everything in your home
breaks down, like your cardoesn't work or your electronics
go on the first all of a sudden.
I'm sure you experienced thislike this right, where just like
nothing goes right.
You're just like, oh my gosh,let me just go back to bed
because, like today, let mestart the day over.
So again, the whole spectrum.
(37:02):
It could be something temporarywhere you have a, you know, a
bad morning, or just your lifeis like, oh my gosh, one thing
after the other, right, likesevere things, like people's
homes burning down and I don'tknow.
I don't want to put bad vibesout there, but you know what I
mean.
Just like more severe things inlife happening, right, chronic
illness, like noses, and justnot feeling well all the time.
(37:23):
Just things happening.
So again the whole spectrumlosing jobs, losing family
members.
Now you might, again you mightsay what does it have to do with
my just post-holiday blues andjust me feeling a little blue?
What I'm showing you is how weare and how we feel actually has
(37:46):
a ripple effect in all of ourlife, and all of the things that
we create and all of the thingsthat we manifest and how we end
up showing up at the end of theday impacts all the things
around us.
And I'm not saying that yourbad mood made somebody die or
that it made your house burndown.
That is not what I'm saying,please, right, but just like
(38:07):
just our life has a flavor to it, right, we're part of creating
that flavor, just like we'rejust in a state where just
things don't work.
So that's what it might looklike.
So what we want to do is whoaright?
First, identify out of thosethree levels self relational and
(38:28):
just life in general.
How am I doing?
What does my spectrums looklike?
Am I just a little grindy atthe beginning, just like little
flavors, or is my stuff prettysevere, like higher in the
spectrum of things?
So that's for me to show youlike a quick assessment in terms
(38:50):
of how you could gauge, right,you will know that you're, of
how you could gauge, right, youwill know that you're not
feeling well, obviously, right,that's what that's.
That's maybe why you'relistening to this.
But your environment, yourexternal world that you're
creating, will be a reflectionalso of how you're feeling and
how you're doing.
And so, between your feelingsand your external world, your
(39:11):
inner and your outie, your innieand your outie worlds, will
show you how you are showing upto your life.
That's creating your state ofbeing, how you're feeling and
your life.
What does make changes andtransitions challenging, like
(39:32):
why?
Why are they?
Why is change hard?
Deborah Donenfeld (39:36):
I think that change is hard.
Well, first of all, a littlebit about what we were just
talking about.
Like we have an idea of howwe're supposed to feel about
them and then, when we don't, wehave all kinds of judgments
about that, and I think theunknown is really really hard
for people.
Just for humanity.
(39:57):
We don't like to jump intosomething, a big dark hole.
We don't know what's going tohappen on the other side.
We like to have control, welike to know what we're getting
into, and especially when we'reforced into a change that we
didn't want, we haven't even hadtime to maybe prepare ourselves
mentally for it, and so itreally that jumping into the
(40:22):
unknown can be very, very scary.
I think that that's a big partof why we don't like it.
Emma Viglucci (40:29):
You know what a good point, exactly, especially
if it wasn't something that wesought out right.
So I mean, as we said, they arechallenging, even with things
that we want.
So, even with things that wedon't want or that just got
sprung on us, it can be harder,because now you have to adjust
to this whole new thing.
Deborah Donenfeld (40:50):
That's right , and just imagine if it's hard
to make a change that you wanted.
How much harder is it going tobe to make a change that you
didn't want?
And we like to get settled intoour lives, think we know what
to expect, even though we knowsomewhere in our minds that we
have no control.
Really, we have very littlecontrol over what happens, but
we fool ourselves into thinkingthat we do have control because
(41:13):
that makes it easier to put onefoot in front of the other and
take the steps that we need totake to move forward in our
lives.
And this is like a rudeawakening kind of like having a
child.
The child is there, I think,first and foremost to show us
that actually you thought youhave control over your life.
You don't have any control.
Things are going to happen thatyou cannot control, and that
(41:36):
happens with a lot of differentkinds of change.
Emma Viglucci (41:38):
Yeah, absolutely so right.
So, even if you like it, it'shard.
Even if you want it, it's hard,nevermind if you didn't want it
, and especially if you weren'tanticipating or expecting, and
if it just if it surprises you,because now everything's upside
down and you're not ready, andyou're not ready for it, You're
not ready for it and it may justnot be how you saw your life
(41:58):
moving forward.
Deborah Donenfeld (41:59):
If you saw yourself living in a particular
home for the rest of your lifewithin your community and now
suddenly you have to move,that's a real, it's a jarring
effect.
Or if you're getting a divorcewhen you thought you were going
to be staying together and thenyou're worried about the impact
on the kids.
Also, if you have children, itmay also be changes that you
(42:25):
it's hard to see the benefitbecause you're so invested in
the benefit of your life beingthe way it is and the way you
had planned for it to be.
Emma Viglucci (42:36):
That is perfect, Right?
I think that's a huge thing,Aside from trying to have
control and we know that wecan't right, Because things just
play out and no matter how muchwe exert control or power over
something, things stillpotentially go sideways or play
out differently than we hadexpected.
But aside from that, I love.
What you just said is okay.
(42:57):
You expected things to be acertain way or to play out a
certain way, or you werecommitted to the thing or the
person and you had this idea ofhow things were going to be, and
now it's not.
So earlier you mentioned a loss.
Now we're talking aboutadjusting to something different
, so having maybe like anidentity tied into also what was
(43:22):
or what is and what ishappening was to become, and
that's just like woohoo.
Brigitte Zeitlin (43:28):
I think what trips a lot of people up, but
like what most women are doingwrong if we will when it comes
to to weight loss, is they'rehyper-focused on what they're
taking out, what they'reeliminating from their diet.
They're not eating carbs,they've gave up bananas or fruit
, they're no longer eating dairy, they're not eating gluten,
they're not eating this, they'renot eating that.
(43:48):
But when it comes to when itcomes to your nutrition and your
health and your waistline, it'sreally, really all about what
you're adding in, right, notwhat we're taking out.
But what are we putting intoyour life?
What are we putting into yourday?
If you're let's say you're ifyou're giving up you know any
food that you're giving up, it'sonly as beneficial for you as
(44:13):
the food you're replacing itwith, right?
So the foods that you're makingmore space for, the foods
you're eating more of, are whatmatters, versus what you're
eating less of, what we'reincluding into our diet, what
we're putting into our bodies,and I think when women first
reach out to me to work togetherone-on-one, they're frequently
like no, but I don't understand.
(44:33):
I don't understand why thescale isn't coming off.
I've given up.
I gave up the carbs.
I haven't had a bagel in yearsand this, and I'm not eating
this and I don't eat that, butthe scale isn't budging and I'm
like great, what are we eating?
Right, what are you putting in?
Emma Viglucci (44:47):
What a good point .
Because half the time, you know, whenever I'm air quotes,
watching more or being moremindful in my way, I'm sure that
after a conversation I'm gonnabe like, hmm, maybe not so good,
but those during those times,potentially the thought is like,
well, can't eat this, can't eatthat, can't eat that.
(45:08):
They can not deal with the end,the other thing and the other
things.
Like, well, what the hell can Ieat?
And you know, like what can Ieat?
So I love the way that you'resetting this up and it's it's
not about all the things thatyou're taking out, but it's more
about what you're putting ininstead yeah, exactly like you
know what is on your plate, whatis getting into your body.
That's what matters so much more, so, so, so much more very good
(45:29):
, lovely, well, and so what doyou want to go from here?
Do you want to describe whatsome of those things should be,
or?
I know that one of the thingsthat people worry about is okay,
so when I eat these things Iget bloated or where's my gut
health?
And I just go right ahead Likewhat?
What is the best way to setourselves up to have good food
(45:49):
experience?
Brigitte Zeitlin (45:51):
Absolutely.
That's a great question, Iwould say.
If, if bloat and gut health issomething you're you're
interested in, or or weight lossis something you're focusing on
, you know, a good place tostart for both of these two
things are is a food journal.
To keep a food journal and notsomething where you have to
obsess and like, weigheverything and write it all down
(46:11):
.
None of that, but just ajournal of like what time it is,
what day it is and what you'reeating for breakfast, what
you're eating for lunch, whatyou're eating for a snack, if
you're having a snack, whatyou're eating for dinner, and
this will help you in multipleways.
But let's say we're talkingabout bloat.
If you're also writing down howyou feel after that meal or
(46:31):
throughout the day, how you feelafter that meal or throughout
the day, you'll be able to startto notice a pattern, like when
you eat legumes, right, maybeyou're feeling bloated.
When you have dairy, maybeyou're feeling bloated.
It's really easy to if we'rekeeping it all in our head,
right, if you're not writingthings down on paper, it's
really easy to think likeeverything makes me bloated.
Every time I eat, I get bloatedand maybe, maybe that's true,
(46:55):
but you might notice some really, really specific patterns Once
we take it out of our head andput it down on paper.
Emma Viglucci (47:02):
What's the deal with my relationship?
Where's my relationship at?
What's the status of myrelationship?
Do I need to build arelationship because it's
feeling unsafe, not secure?
To build a relationship becauseit's feeling unsafe, not secure
, unstable, conflictual,disconnected, funky, right,
which is all of those things?
This is usually where peoplecome to see us for couples
(47:23):
therapy or marriage counseling,because it's just not feeling
right, like you're notsynchronizing, you're not
getting your needs met.
You might be fighting a lot andgetting on each other's nerves,
potentially considering evenleaving each other, just because
you just can't make it work.
If that's the case, then weneed to do relationship building
.
Now.
If your relationship is fairlygood and you're just like, hmm,
(47:44):
we have an amazing relationship,but we're having a hard time
getting to the intimacy placemore better, just because all
these things you know, lifehappens just like we've been
talking about today and I wouldjust love to spice it up a bit.
Let's make the relationshipeven better.
How do we get to the eroticismand romance and passion and the
(48:04):
yummy stuff, and for that wecall it passion building, okay,
so choose for yourself, and ofcourse you want that too.
If you're building yourrelationship, I get it, but it's
hard to build that stuff ifyou're not getting along okay.
This is where people gettripped up.
So we got to do first thingsfirst.
It doesn't mean that you neverhave sex again, that's not what
(48:25):
I'm saying.
That means that you continue todo your intimacy, like you
usually do while you do yourrelationship building.
And we could do some otherthings in there too.
Right, once you hear what I'mgoing to offer, it doesn't mean
that you don't work on that atall, don't invest in that at all
, don't play with that at all.
That's not what I'm saying.
But you're more focused on theother side, because once your
(48:45):
relationship is stronger andmore built, then it's much
easier to do the other stuff andmore fun, right.
You'll get more bang for yourbuck, if you may.
Okay.
So for relationship building,what we want to do is address
your attachment, love.
Usually, what's happening hereis that you're not feeling very
secure or very loved or veryconnected, and what would need
(49:07):
to happen is to do nurturing ofthe relationship and of each
other, and so we would do thatthrough connection habits, okay,
and I'm going to give you someexamples of those in a second
and then, if you're working onpassion building.
What we want to work is onpassion, love, and what that
looks like is that we want tobuilding alluring habits, and
(49:32):
for the first one, we donurturing, for the second one,
we do enticing.
So if your relationship needsmore building, we're going to do
nurturing, we're going to workon attachment, love and creating
security and connection andmaking it work better.
And if you're looking forpassion, we're going to do
enticing love, where we're gonnabuild in some alluring habits
(49:55):
just to spice things up.
And this is on our spectrum,guys.
Okay, so it doesn't mean thatyou know that, um, the different
worlds it might feel like thedifferent worlds, um, but you
could slide back and forthdepending on the status of your
relationship, but at any givenmoment, okay, so it doesn't mean
that it's so discreet and it'seither this or this.
(50:16):
You could slide.
Nobody's stuck anywhere.
Sometimes we might feel muchbetter about our relationship
and it's easier to go to theother side, where you could be
more spicy.
And then all the times, we werereally struggling, and there's
no way that we're going to beintimate, right, and so it
(50:37):
depends on what's going on atany given time in the season of
life that your relationship isin and it's still good.
There's no right, there's nowrong, there's nothing.
There's nothing happening.
You just play with what youhave and you make the best of it
and you create what you like.
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