Special *1st Anniversary* Essentials Compilation from Episodes 12-22 - Part 2 (Ep.24) - Successful Relationship with Emma

Episode Transcript
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Emma (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, welcome to the first year anniversary
celebration that we're doing forour podcast.
I am super excited.
We are doing special episodesas a celebration.
Two weeks ago we did the firstEssentials compilation and this
is the second Essentialscompilation.

(00:20):
These are the two specialepisodes for the month to
celebrate our anniversary.
So last year September 2023, welaunched our new podcast and
now we're celebrating its firstyear and I am so excited to have
compiled special segments fromeach episode from last year.

(00:42):
So we compiled a few into thefirst special episode and now
we're compiling the second halfof the episodes into this other
special essentials compilationepisode.
So if that was confusing, don'tworry about it.
We're just just know that weare doing segments, snippets
from prior episodes to compilethis essentials experience so

(01:09):
that you could get a quick tasteof all the episodes that we've
covered all of last year.
So the two essentials episodesof this month will cover all of
the episodes that we've done sofar.
You'll get a little snippets ineach and you'll get a flavors
to the topics that we cover,which generally have to do all
with relationship, with wellness, self-care and all things to

(01:32):
make us better partners, have abetter relationship experience
and be able to show up in theworld with our best self, be the
best partner and create thebest relationship so we could
have the best life in a nutshell.
So that's the idea of thepodcast.
We want to have amazingconversations with guests,

(01:56):
colleagues, friends, to bringyou special topics so that we
could support you in yourjourney, and that's what we've
been doing all of last year, andthese two essential special
episodes are a highlight of whatwe've done so far, so I hope
that you enjoy them.
This particular compilationtoday covers some parenting
stuff, covers some health andwellness, covers some sexy stuff

(02:17):
sexuality, sexual health, sexin relationship with your
partner and just how to have asexy relationship, sex life and
we have some other good stuff inthere interconnectedness and
wellness and just all kinds ofbeautiful things just to support
you all around in your journey.
So feel free to check it out.

(02:39):
The easiest way to listen is tolook at the description or all
the chapters and you will seethe segment, or you have
timestamps for the segment, sofeel free to check that out and
see what talks to you.
You could jump around andlisten to the things that
resonate for you or that pertainto you and your journey.
That will serve you best.
And additionally, we'll havethose linked to their original

(03:03):
episode so you could get more ofthat flavor, if that's what you
need.
And if you want even more, feelfree to subscribe to the gifts
that we have on the podcast pagemetrorelationshipcom forward
slash podcast.
There we have a compilation ofall the episodes, all of the
guests with the links to theirepisodes and all of the gifts

(03:25):
that they had that offered toour audience, so you could get
everything in your inbox.
You don't have to go jumpingaround and looking for things.
So feel free to just one-pitchstop MetroRelationshipcom
forward slash podcast and thereyou could enroll, subscribe
whatever, opt in to get thatcompilation so you have
everything in one spot.
When you do that, you'll getall of the guests gifts plus a

(03:48):
gift from me the MinimalEnrichment Relationship course
and really are here to hook youup.
So we want to support you inall the ways that we can and
compile this nice littleexperience for you in
acceleration of our podcast.
And if you haven't checked itout yet, that podcast page, it's
a rebrand, subtle rebrand I'mcalling it refresh of the layout

(04:10):
of how we're displaying andshowcasing and sharing our
episodes so they're easier tofind and easier to use and
easier to keep referring to.
So feel free to check it outand look around if that
interests you.
Feel free to check it out andlook around if that interests
you.
Okay, my loves without furtherado.
I hope that you really enjoyedthis episode.
I put in all my love into thisproject to celebrate and share

(04:34):
the celebration with you andhave your back as we do it.
As always, I always keep you inmind when we create anything,
and feel free to let us knowwhat kind of things tickle you,
what kind of topics you want tohear, what kind of things you
prefer to watch and listen to.
Feel free to leave us a commentin all of the places, depending
on where you're watching this,and I look forward to seeing you

(04:55):
at the next one.
Enjoy.
So, jeff, tell me a little bitmore, tell me the audience, this
whole thing with consciousnessand interconnectedness.
Can you explain, then, if we'renot molecules, right, and if
we're not our nervous system,and that's not where
consciousness lives, then canyou explain a little bit more?

(05:16):
What is it?
Where does it live and how arewe interconnected really, aside
from, like me, my body's notjust my body, actually, emma and
I.
It's not just this, it's alsoall the microorganisms that we
have in this body suit.
That freaked me out when yousaid that that's the first time
I heard it that way.
That was so good, but yeah, soa little bit more about that.

(05:36):
And then the implication ofthat for partners, right.
So I love that you used the wealready in there and the us.
That's perfect, so can use thewe already in there and the us,
that's perfect.

Jeffrey Dunne (05:50):
so can you tell a little bit more and then I will
see how that there arelisteners could use that to
impact their relationship.
Yeah, absolutely so.
You know, as, as I mentionedbefore and as you just pointed
out, the the idea of us as, uh,individuals right, we're kind of
taught that it starts withunderstanding well, you're,
you're a physical thing andyou're there.
I'm going to have a cat guesthere who has to be encouraged to
, ok, but unfortunately, instarting from that point, it

(06:18):
lends itself to a lot of veryawkward questions, and what I
mean by awkward is that thequestions that have sort of
presumed something that isn'ttrue and has such become very
unanswerable.
So you will hear, for example,people refer to the hard
question of consciousness, likehow does the brain generate
consciousness?
Well, you've started with theassumption that the brain

(06:42):
generates consciousness.

Emma (06:43):
And if it?

turns out that the brain doesn't generate
consciousness, you're kind ofalready at a dead end.
And the evidence sorrymaterialists, the evidence is
overwhelming that it doesn't.
That's not how it works.
The brain isn't generatingconsciousness.
There are lots of documentedstories of people who are, who
have no brain activity.

(07:04):
Lots of documented stories ofpeople who have no brain
activity and yet when they arerevived from that state can
relate exactly what washappening during that time.
They're still receivinginformation.

(07:28):
Right, idea that the brain is agenerator of awareness and
instead, for example, think ofthat the brain might be an
antenna into a much broaderthing, something that, rather
than generates consciousness,something that helps focus into
particular pieces of it.
Right, so the brain may be as away of relating, a
consciousness that is not boundin time and space and allows you
to filter down to thoseperceptions, experiences.

(07:51):
What have you that relate towhat we think of as ourselves,
as our lives, as our experiences, our journey?
Right, this now becomes a muchmore understandable process.
You can explain a lot of thingsthis way.
How is it that some childrencome to their parents one day at
the age of four and give themmemories of what it was like to

(08:12):
be a fighter pilot in World WarTwo.
They couldn't possibly rememberthat from a physical
perspective.
But if they are tapping into agreater awareness of something
right, because they're notfiltering down to exactly the
experiences that are here andnow as we described them, then
it works perfectly well.

(08:33):
And now, when you think aboutthat and you look at this in the
context of a relationship,right, what is it that's
happening there?
Well, of saying, well, I'm, I'mhere, like that, right, I I
occupy this space and you occupythat space.
And now we are different.
Rather, you've got aconsciousness that's not

(08:55):
inherently bounded that way.
But these two people who arehaving this experience with each
other, you realize we'reactually more or less the same
thing.
We're two different facets onthe same gem, right, we have an
inherent relationship.
And it is funny in this contexthow humanity fights with itself

(09:16):
so much when we are 99.99% thesame, right, we get so hung up
on the 0.01% differences thatmake me from this country and
you from that country, and yetwe're almost the same.
We've got little uniquenessesabout us and that's fantastic.
And of course, that's adifferent topic of why we don't

(09:38):
celebrate those uniquenesseswhen that's really what we
should be enjoying.
That's right.
Like if everybody was identical, what would be the point?
I want somebody who's a littledifferent, gives me a different
perspective, and all that, butwe are more or less part of the
same overall system.
So when you think about twopeople who are in a relationship
, instead of looking at this andsaying, well, I'm me and you're

(10:00):
you, and I have to figure outhow to appease you or work
around you or anything else, itchanges the, I think, the
mindset that you have to say,all right, we're mostly the same
, we're working at this as apartnership, right, and we're

(10:20):
two faces of the samepartnership.
We solve problems differently,we think about things
differently, but that could be areally good thing, right?
Because now it means that ifI'm struggling with how to
understand something, I've gotthis other person who looks at
things a little bit differently.
Maybe they can offer an insightthat I wasn't able to see.

(10:41):
And that's usually, I think,where you see people describing
themselves as having a healthyrelationship.
They're not the same as me, butI respect them, right, and the
core of that respect comes fromthe fact that you realize we're
really connected, whether werecognize it actively or not,
but if we recognize it moreoften, then we're better able to

(11:04):
make that connection and havethat connection be a healthy
thing rather than somethingthat's self-damaging.

Cinthia Hiett (11:11):
The more I know me, the more I accept me, the
more in charge of me I am, themore I manage me, the easier it
is to be around me.
These people aren't trying todo this all the time.
Containing this is what we do.
I say to clients containing,okay, this is what we do.
I say to clients all the timethis is what we do with toddlers
and teens.
We contain them.
Why are you not containingyourself?

(11:32):
You know, and we have to likeself containment.
It doesn't mean that it'salways fun.
I'm not always happy to do it.
Sometimes and this is a reallycool thing I learned If I
breathe in, I can't talk.

Emma (11:47):
I love that.
That's like in kindergarten, Ithink, or very early, as I teach
the little kids put a bubble,hold a bubble.

And I'll just go like this, because who am I to
tell them they're wrong, right?

Emma (12:02):
So interesting.
I love how you said that.
I think that even us, that weare in charged with helping
create and facilitate change,who are we to tell somebody else
what to do?
We don't even do it right.
So we might say to people haveyou looked at this?
Have you looked at that?
What about this?
What about that?
Try this, try that what suitsyou best People.

(12:23):
What about this?
What about that?
Right, try this, try that, likewhat suits you best.
People are still the owner ofthemselves, right, they're still
the master of themselves.
They'll have a self agency andthey will know if what we offer
resonates for them, if it worksfor who they are and who they're
trying to become, who they areevolving into being, who they
already have like I lost intranslation along the way, right

(12:44):
, but they're becoming more whothey are we facilitate that?

yes, absolutely, because some of it is
recognizing that if we go backto red-blooded mammals, okay,
then that's how we learn.
So if I am showing you adifferent way to interact with
your husband, with your children, it doesn't mean that I'm 100%
right.
It means that you want to beopen-minded enough to say, hey,

(13:08):
I wonder if I wonder if I did ita little differently or if I
borrowed some of that to see ifit fits, you know.
So it's more about that, sothat we can get, you know, not
so much emotional judgment.
You know now, I'm a big personon having judgment, because we,
our world, does not practicejudgment very well right now.

(13:29):
So I want us to be adults withgood judgment.
Right, discernment, discernment, yes.

Angela Mazza (13:37):
Yes, I hear you.

But I don't want to be judging someone because I
don't understand them or I don'tlike them, or I think they're
stupid or whatever it is Right,or I don't agree, yes, yes.
And so I think that it'swonderful, like to hear you talk
this way, because I think thepeople that really love humans
like you and I do, you know, Itell people all the time I said

(14:00):
I just love humans, I just lovethem.
You know, I want to know aboutthem, I want to help them, I
want to see them, you know, andso you know, that kind of a
platform causes them to be ableto settle down, you know, and
hear some things that might notbe, I don't know, might not be
super fun to hear, but it nolonger becomes ouchy, you know.

Emma (14:24):
Yes, yes, right.
So I love that.
Yes, we do love humans.
I'm so with you, and part ofwhy I'm here is to hopefully
help people do their humancondition better, have a better
human experience.
Right, and that's what I'mworking on for myself and that's
what I want to offer others,and they could receive as much

(14:45):
of us as little as they'd like.
It's still their journey.
And I love what you just said,that if we're able to kind of
settle down a little bit justbecause you know that I'm not
coming from a place of forcingit, right, right, let's just all
be curious can we do thisbetter, right, so we have a
better experience?
Fabulous, right, and then wejust kind of chill out, and then

(15:07):
that chilling out, we mightbecome more open and more
receptive, and then we might beable to take some of the
suggestions in and tell them tofit ourselves if we have to
perfect.
Yes, I love that because Ialways tell clients you don't
have to do anything, I tell youthank you so much for that
breakdown of the types ofrituals and if you could share a

(15:28):
little bit about why they'reimportant.
Why is it significant?
Because in the example that yougave, the guy could say why do
we have to do all thesecelebrations?
What's the point?
Such a waste of money, time,who cares?
I'm not outgoing, I'm anintrovert right All the things,
and so why is it significant orimportant to have rituals?

Evan Imber-Black (15:49):
Yeah, well, it's a great question.
They really are the connectivetissue in our family and
community systems and you know,if you just try to imagine your
life with no rituals, it's hardto imagine.
I mean, you're going to havedaily rituals, like it or not.

(16:12):
You're going to eat a mealtogether, you're going to, you
know, put a child to bed andread a story, and things like
that.
The bigger rituals, traditions,celebrations, life cycle
rituals often there has to be agood bit of negotiating in a
couple, because one comes fromone kind of background, the

(16:36):
other comes from another kind ofbackground.
Lots of arguments certainlyoccur around different ritual
seasons.
Do we celebrate, don't we?
How?

Emma (16:52):
do we make it our own?

Which family do we go to, if it's Christmas
or Easter or Passover Passoverthankfully there's two nights of
seders so you can go to both.
It's convenient.
Yeah, so you know and that'ssomething that I will certainly

(17:14):
hear in a therapy session howpeople have struggled to work
that out.
What happens at keydevelopmental points, like
children leaving home andsetting up their own household?
How does the ritual, you know,let's say, of Easter that's

(17:36):
what's coming need to change?
Does it need to change, or isthe expectation that adult
children will always come backto their family of origin?
Well, that's fine until theyhave a partner, and then there
needs to be some negotiating asto are we going to do one one

(17:58):
year and one the other?
Are we going to take two days?
And, you know, visit here andtoday?
I'm sure you and your listenersknow so many people have moved
far away from their families oforigin, right?
So, though you know, certainlywe always see on television for

(18:19):
Christmas, for Easter and soforth, big airport days, right
and so forth.
Big airport days, right.

Emma (18:31):
Big travel days, big driving days where people want
to go and be with their families, right, yeah, for sure.
So one of the things that Iknow that rituals do and why I
encourage clients to partake andto get better at them and
better and better and make itmore and more meaningful and
special, is because and youcould correct me if you have
additional thoughts on this orreinforce what I'm saying they

(18:56):
have a way of transmittingfamily legacies as well, yes,
and imparting the meaning of whowe are, yes, and create that
cohesiveness in the family.
So any thoughts about that?

I think you're right, of course you always
want to find out, let's say in acouple, what was a given ritual
like in the family they camefrom, came from, because

(19:31):
sometimes one partner had aterrific experience with, let's
just say, christmas and theother had a terrible experience
year after year after year.
Um, yeah, I think, um in in um,in Rituals for Our Times, I've
talked about a family where,when Christmas would come, the

(19:52):
father would take to his bed andjust would not come out, and
you know, it was very hard onthe mom and the kids and they
didn't understand it, on the momand the kids and they didn't
understand it.

(20:13):
And finally, finally, he wasable to speak about what
happened to him as a child.
That Christmas was a terribletime.
He was in a family that wasquite abusive, and on Christmas
it was even worse because hisfather would not just get drunk
but roaring drunk and wouldabuse him, and so he took to
hiding on holidays.

(20:34):
And once his wife and hischildren understood his story,
then they were able to figureout with him.
Then they were able to figureout with him.
How can we make this so thatit's very different, that it
doesn't bring back bad memories?
And they worked on it and theycreated a new ritual for

(20:56):
themselves, and so it's thatkind of thing, you know.
I think it's important for allof us excuse me to think about
what was a given ritual like inthe family I come from.
How was it celebrated?
Was it celebrated?
Were people good to each other,or were they not good to each

(21:21):
other?
And then you can begin to workon how do you want this to be
now and into the future.

Emma (21:30):
Right.
So that ties it back to what Isaid earlier, that they could be
healing right.
What a beautiful experience Ifwe have a chance to now change
it, have a different storyaround it, a different
experience.

That's right.

Emma (21:42):
Lovely, right, very right, very, very nice how we
co-create I'm using I don't knowif that language makes sense
for us right, but just see ifyou, if it built into the next
thing that you want to talkabout in terms of creating our
own reality and being what I'dlike to say, a victor versus a
victim, like you said, right.
So choosing to win and not tolose, focusing on the positive,

(22:06):
not the negative, like thosekind of choices, and possibly
co-creating with our partner.
So what would that look likefrom your end?

Francois Lupien (22:13):
thank you so much, and that's it I like to
say.
We can be a creator of ourreality or a victim of our
circumstances, and so let's puta victim of circumstances first.
So let's talk about those socksthat are there in the corner
from the man, and I know I I didthat I'm getting better.
I'm getting better all the timeand now I even put them

(22:36):
together so when they're in thelaundry, they're together, so
they're not separated what?

Emma (22:41):
wow, I just learned something.
I love that.
I might have to teach that topeople.

And so victim of circumstances.
Let's say you're tired, andthen you come in the room and
you see that Then you're goingto say, oh, I can't believe this
.
And now you're going into thatrabbit hole of letting the
outside circumstances dictatehow you feel.
This is very important.
Letting outside circumstancesdictate how you feel.

(23:06):
It's very important.
Letting outside circumstancesdictate how we feel.
When we do that, we empower theoutside circumstances and, by
the same token, we disempowerourselves.
So we said, oh, this is doingthis to me, this is doing that
to me.
Then we become a victim.
And so when that happens,there's one simple thing, and

(23:26):
it's at first, the first timeyou hear it's like a slap in the
face and it's called taking100% responsibility.

Emma (23:34):
What, what a concept.

Taking 100% responsibility.
Now check this out.
Well, it's not my fault if thesocks are on the floor.
You know how can I takeresponsibility for that?

Emma (23:45):
Okay, so change it.

It says how can I take responsibility for the
socks on the floor?
So maybe it could be.
Maybe I pick up my own clothes.
Maybe mine is not on the floor,but it's on the chair.
So maybe if I was to hang it upor put it in the hamper basket,
it would give an example andthe other can follow.
Maybe, maybe not.
That's okay.
You still love them and that'spart of the game.

(24:08):
Nobody's perfect.
You're not perfect, I'm notperfect.
So who are we to expectperfection from others?
That's a lose-lose situation.
But taking 100% responsibility.
Now let's put it the other wayCreating our reality.
When you take responsibility,if you see a situation that is
not to your liking, what can youdo to be better with it?

(24:29):
How can you act rather thanreact to the situation?
Because when we react, we'renot taking responsibilities,
we're blaming others.
Oh, the interest rate is this.
I'm tired this week.
It's easy to put it outside.
So if, for example, you say, oh, I'm tired, well, why don't you
go to bed earlier tonight?
Well, that's too simple, is it?

(24:51):
Is it too simple?
but I can't go to sleep earlierexactly, or this is something
that actually recently was toldby my coach.
He says you need to meditatethree times a day.
Okay, so now listen to me, thevictim.
What do you need three times aday?
Have you seen my schedule?
I'm so busy, there's no way Ican do this.
And he just said well, I justmade a suggestion for you.

(25:14):
You can say that you can't doit because of this, this, this
and that, or how about you askthe question how can I put
meditation three times in my day?

And then he said something that was nice.

He says it does not need to be one hour every
time, it could be five minutes.
And then it turned my lifearound thinking, yeah, I can do
three times five minutes, I canfind a spot for this.
And then the five minutes, someof them became 20 minutes, some
of them became one hour a daythat I had less things to do.
And so, because of that, Istarted to incorporate, because

(25:47):
I changed the questions.
I asked myself I, I was takingresponsibility.
How can I meditate three timesa day?
Now my mind remember thecommunication we talked is
focused on finding solutions tothat question.
So I said, oh, I can do it thisway or I can do it that way.
And then when I miss and Idon't do three times in the day,

(26:09):
I don't beat myself up, I'll dobetter tomorrow, that's all.
And so as you do these things,you start to take 100%
responsibility and, bit by bit,giving yourself patience and
love, you will get better.
And guess what?
As I do meditation three timesa day, I'm more calm and less

(26:32):
irritable.
Well, actually, we, we had sixkids.
Now they're all gone, so it'smuch easier.
There's less chaos in the housenow, but before there was a lot
.
Imagine six kids around thetable.
So it's easy to let the outsidecircumstance control us when we
can say, hey, how can I dobetter with this?
And I think we talked about this, emma, for example, about this,

(26:56):
um, emma, for example, six kids, it's bound that one of them is
going to drop his juice or hismilk for sure, almost every meal
.
And I used to lose patience.
What are you doing?
And then my wife says she askedthe following question will
this matter a thousand yearsfrom now?
And I go of course not.
She goes.
So why do you get irritatedwith it?
Wow, she says, why don't we usethat as an example for the kids

(27:18):
to become self-reliant If theydrop?
it, it says okay, now thatyou've dropped it, what can you
do to fix this?
And the kids?
They're not stupid.
They're going to say, well, I'mgoing to get a rag and maybe
very good.
And then you praise them asthey're doing this.
And now it's a learningexperience and nobody is
freaking out anymore and it'sall calm.
What is that Takingresponsibility?

(27:39):
You're going to say, well,that's not my fault if you drop
the glass.
You're correct, but it's yourresponsibility.
How are you going to act withit in the relationship?
It's the same thing.
We take responsibility.
Are we seeing this as an attackto us?
Or maybe they're tired, maybeyou know, they didn't see what
we said.
Maybe they did not hear what wehave just said, so that taking

(28:01):
responsibility could be as faras if someone reacts to what we
said, we can say something likeI'm sorry.
I don't think this was theintent of what I said.
What did you hear?
And if I heard this and that,well, that's why you're saying
this, because that's not what Imeant and I'm sorry, I didn't
express myself in the proper way.
So when you do this, the otherperson, you're no longer

(28:22):
fighting like this.
Now it's an open communicationand we can find out more about
it.
Yes, and we don't have all thetruth.
It's okay.
If someone says blue and yousay green, you don't need to
fight for it.
Once it's blue, you say green,that's it, it's okay.
And so this is something ofbeing a creator of your reality
you decide.

Emma (28:44):
So what do you think are other things then that
contribute to people not beinginterested in being touched or
not be interested in intimacysex, or have low desire?

Deborah Fox (28:56):
Yes, untouched, or not be interested in intimacy,
sex or have low desire, yes, soone of the most common things
that will bring couples into anytherapist's office is really
what we call desire discrepancy,where one partner, you know,
wants more, usually, morefrequent sex.
Now, sometimes it can also be,you know, different, you know
sexual behaviors for sure, butjust in terms of the frequency

(29:17):
it's so, so common.
And here's where some educationreally is important, because
I'll go into other factors, butthis one is, is just not common
enough knowledge, which issexual styles.
There are two big sexual styles.
One is spontaneous, the otheris called responsive, and

(29:41):
spontaneous sexual style is whatwe know the most about.
You know this is the person whois just walking down the street
and you know every sixththought is about something
sexual.
They just have an internalengine that easily they feel
desire.
It just pops up, or they have athought, or they see a person

(30:01):
that they're attracted, or youknow they, they see a sign.
You know just that some of usmight not react to.
And spontaneous sexual desireis what we, and it's what we see
in the media, it's what we seein the movies.
This is where people aredropping their clothes and you
know, as soon as they walk inthe door and the sex is, you

(30:22):
know, hot and passionate.
Passionate in five seconds,right, that's what we're
familiar with, but that is notrepresented by everybody.
So an equally large group isrepresented by something we call
responsive desire, and this isthe one that's not in the movies
.
And this responsive desirepeople are those who don't

(30:48):
particularly walk around withthat internally charged engine
that, just you know, pops upnaturally.
They are more inclined to wherearousal might actually come
first, before desire, and whatthat means is this question of
I'm not in the mood is the wrongquestion.

(31:09):
The question is, oh, am I openand willing to engage in
physical touch?
And when I am touched or I amtouching, then some inklings of
arousal might show up, and oh, Iam very glad to be here doing
this.
And so desire shows up.
But let me back up a moment,because these are the folks

(31:32):
where the context is crucial.
So context meaning are theyfatigued, are they preoccupied
with a work deadline or aproject, or they have a family
member who's maybe struggling orill, or you know, there's a one
of their children is, you know,on their mind because of some

(31:55):
problem that needs to beaddressed.
All these are contextual issuesand for a spontaneous person
these might be just factors, butfor a responsive person, these
are central, these are decisive,right, and so we don't know
about responsive sexual styleand even the people who fall

(32:17):
into that category, they'venever known about it because
it's not talked about, exceptfor books.
In my experience, even with samegender, couples usually have
one representative from eachgroup.

(32:39):
Now, emily Nagoski, in her bookCome as you Are, who's a
sexuality?
Emily's a sexuality researcher.
She gives some statistics andwhich I think are interesting,
that there are some nuances tothis.
But I'll give you the bottomline, which is about 75% of men
are in the spontaneous sexualstyle, which would fit with what

(33:03):
I think we commonly know, andabout 25% of men would be in the
responsive category.
And then for women it's flippedwhere, and here's where there's
nuances, but there's about 85%who would fall into that
responsive category.
Now the really goofy thing aboutthis is that in dating, in the

(33:27):
early stages of infatuation thisis when most couples can
infatuation, this is when mostcouples tend not everybody, but
tend to be the most interested.
And so the spontaneous peopleuh, that's their, that's their
happy place and the responsivepeople there.
They look more spontaneousduring that time because we're

(33:50):
creatures of novel and new andinfatuation.
There's all sorts of hormonescoursing through our bodies and
so in a couple that ends upstaying together long term, that
naturally fades fades.
It's, that's biology, but wevery confused by that.
The spontaneous person.
What happened to my you know mypartner who wanted to have sex

(34:13):
with me all the time, you know?
Suddenly you know it'simportant that there's food in
the refrigerator that didn'tused to be, or to work, that's
not a problem.
Now it's important to not belate, to work, to stay home and
have sex.
So I and the response of peopleare also confused because
nobody knows what quite happenedand they don't know what to do

(34:36):
at that point, and so that'swhere just a lot of unnecessary
suffering comes into play playis very significant.

Emma (34:45):
It's not just moving pieces around on a board or
playing with dollies and havingthem drink tea.
There's so much more stuffgoing on right.
So they are bringing in,they're showing their level of
development.
They're showing if they'rethinking.
They're showing.
You tell me, like what are youseeing it?
Through?
Play that parents, so parentsknow how important play is.

Polina Shkadron (35:05):
Yeah.
So I'm looking at levels ofsophistication, right, and I'm
looking at is it coming down tocause and effect play, because
that's also important and itneeds to happen.
Is it then, just physical play?
That's part of development too,that what happens when, what it

(35:29):
looks like when a child is outof ideas, and that's something
that is really important topinpoint.
So parents often say, well, allof a sudden and I love the all
of a sudden I go really, is itreally all of a sudden that it's
like well, all of a sudden theyget silly.
I go okay, and then we, theytend to use that term of oh,
you're being so silly.

(35:49):
They tend to use that term ofoh, you're being so silly, right
?
So then you're attributingsilly to their state of being.
So now the child is a sillychild and I'm looking at it and
I'm going so that silliness thatyou're seeing, that's
dysregulation.
And when you pinpoint it andyou go, do you notice when

(36:13):
exactly it happens?
It's when the challenge is toobig or when the child doesn't
know how to continue the play,because they haven't had enough
experience to take one idea andmake it last, and then ideas
then end all of a sudden, andthen ideas then end all of a

(36:34):
sudden, and sometimes the all ofa sudden for younger kids looks
like they're building, they'replaying with magnets and then
all of a sudden they crash thetower.
That all of a sudden means Idon't know what else to do.
Right, I don't know where elseto take this.
And then other times it lookslike I've had kids just run away

(36:57):
, where the play becomes socomplex and now there's language
involved and the.
The complexity that I'm talkingabout is now we're taking on
the roles of the characters, andwhen you become the character,
then it's also thinking.
Uh, thinking becomesmulti-causal.

(37:18):
Right, it's how do I set, howdo I become a character and also
pull back so that I'm thecharacter and myself at the same
time?
So when I become a characterand I wreck things as characters
do, and I get this shockreaction, I go that wasn't me,

(37:40):
Like that was the dinosaur, Idon't know what happened, like,
how do we handle that kind of anobstacle?
And it usually starts with.
That's where you see themeltdowns or the tantrums,
however you want to call them,because it's the.
Where it comes from, is theunexpected, and often I get

(38:04):
either, like, feedback from youknow social media, or parents
asking, well, shouldn't right,the shouldn't right, the
shouldn't like, shouldn't thekids be ready for the world?
I go okay.
Three like the world is goingto tell them no all the time.
I go great, you'd also.

(38:25):
Five like chronologically Right.
And we really have to considerthat social emotional
development, because achronological five-year-old can
also be social emotionally atother level.
So there's this expectation ofthey're so smart, shouldn't they
know?
And I'm going right, they havecertain capacities.

(38:49):
What about the others?
Excellent, what about theothers?
So that's one of that's one ofthe toughest, I think, for
parents when kids have a lot ofsophisticated language and
they're very verbal and there's,you know, they know that

(39:14):
there's high.
And my feedback is well, what isit like for you when I
completely change your entireday, like, yeah, we don't like
routine too, you like routinetoo.
What happens when you're onyour way to the office and all
of a sudden there is a caraccident?
Or all of a sudden there is acar accident or all of a sudden

(39:36):
there's a traffic jam and thelane is closed.
The first thing you do isyou're going to get really
dysregulated, like what's goingon?
How come this is happening andthe best way, actually, that I
like to people watch at airports.
People get dysregulated atairports all the time.
Oh yeah, where it's like it'snot the attendant's fault that

(39:58):
the plane is late.
Like I understand that you havea connecting flight I might
have one also and you going offon this attendant to ask her how
come, like this is where I needto go.
How come the plane is late?
I'm not sure if that's reallygoing to get you an answer.
So that is a dysregulated adultwho can.

(40:23):
Then let's say thatdysregulated adult also meets a
dysregulated child.
That is a volcanic eruptionwaiting to happen.
Like there is no way that aadult who is dysregulated to
such a degree can also regulatea child at the same time.

Emma (40:41):
Excellent, yes, absolutely .
So let's go back for a secondto the play thing and then we'll
continue with this regulationconversation.
I love that.
So in play, some of the thingsare the sophistication how many
ideas do they have?
Can they take the idea to thenext level?
Can they take on characters andcan they differentiate that and
hold on to different things atthe same time?

(41:02):
So there's a lot of differentaspects there that most parents
are not aware of, that this iswhat play is and was involved,
and that the more that that'sdone and that the more that it
gets developed, that the childis doing better or developing,
and that when you see themeltdown, so the little change
in the kid throws a tantrum orthey start saying no, and we

(41:25):
could talk about that too Thenthese are just examples of they
hit a wall to some degree andhelping them.
Maybe we could talk about thattoo.
How do we get past that, asopposed to calling them silly
and now they don't understandwhat's going on for them, and
that they could get past that.
Now they're just silly, soweird associations are happening

(41:48):
, right?
So we think that we're the bestparents, oh you're so silly, we
think it's cute, but what are wedoing right?
Very interesting.
We're the best parents.
Oh, you're so silly, we thinkit's cute, but what are we doing
right?
Very interesting.
So the message it sounds reallyearly, even like, in the most
innocuous ways, messaging aboutself feelings, about body, about
all the things.

Polina Shkadron (42:04):
So very interesting so when parents talk
about like how come that wholerespect piece is what you're
asking them at an age that's tooyoung, is that you're asking
them to think like you, versusfirst thinking like your
five-year-old or six-year-old,or even like thinking like your
you know, 10, 11, 12 year old,like get into their mindset to

(42:28):
go like what is it doing?
What is this doing for them?
Like like what, what is thisreally doing for them?
And I had this and it'sinteresting because I had.
I had a conversation.
I'm seeing like a soon-to-be 12,12, 13 year old and he goes you
know, sometimes I just kick myyounger brother out of out of
nowhere and like dad keepsasking me why I'm doing it Now,

(42:53):
in terms of language, why isvery blaming?
Yes, right, why'd you do that?
Versus, how did that work foryou?
You're like inviting curiosity.
But he tell me all the thingsand he goes I need you to fix it
.
Like just tell me what to do.
And I go well, here's, I'mgoing to ask you a question in
return, like when you decide tokick your brother, where does

(43:18):
that come from?
Because in my mind I was like Iknow the answer, it's boredom.
And I was like where does thatcome from?
Like.
And then it's also what doesthat do for you?
Like, what does that do for you?
He responds I go, oh, and thenyou know what that does to your
brain.
It goes cool, now like we got aback and forth, now like

(43:42):
there's a dopamine spike.
I now, like, now we're in it,and I go okay, well, it sounds
to me like when you're feelingbored and you're not sure what
to do, you're looking for otherthings to do.
And I go for knowing you.
I said you, I also know thatyou really enjoy looking at a
book.
And he goes oh, okay, I guess Icould just grab a book, and

(44:07):
then he was.
Then he goes well, what aboutwhen we're out?
Like when we're outside and youknow, like we've taken, you
know, a family trip for the day,when we're out, kind of, he's
going like what do you got forme?
Like, how about that Right,like now, what?
Like we're sitting and we'rewaiting for I don't know, like

(44:31):
there's a wait and there's alull and like the boredom creeps
up.
And then I said to him and go,I'm wondering, like always, like
there's a wonder of curiosity,and I go I'm wondering when you
guys leave for the day, do youbring a backpack with you.
And then he goes oh my God, doyou think I could put a book in
my backpack?
And I said, wow, that's sogreat, you figured it out,

(44:56):
amazing.
Like we think that it's right,like for us it's so small, and
we're thinking, I mean, that'swhere I was headed.
For him it was so big, becausehe was like, oh, I solved it.
Like I could bring a book withme and put it in my backpack and
that way, like I know even thefact that he, knowing that it's

(45:19):
there, can already be be helpfulwhere it's like this is what I
need in order to avoid, justlike kicking my brother to
incite him into something withme, right.
And then there comes those likeparents Well, it's attention
seeking, right, like what, whatis going on with all these like

(45:40):
negative attention seekingbehaviors?
And I go, oh, I think it'sconnection.
So, versus it being like,attention seeking sounds so
negative, it's.
They're looking for something.
They're looking for connection,okay, and that something's
going on, that you know theconnection is disrupted or the
nervous system hasn't gottenenough connection throughout the

(46:03):
day and your child doesn't haveagain, like enough knowledge or
self-awareness, or words orlanguage to tell you like, hey,
mom, dad, I'm really feelingdisconnected from you right now.
Do you mind like reconnectingwith me so I'm good for the next
?
You know, like half of the dayand I'm sure, like with working
with adults, how often do adultsgo, you know, like I'm being

(46:28):
nasty because I'm feeling likethere's a disconnect happening.
Feeling like there's adisconnect happening, that's so
good, so it's that, and it'ssomething that we've got a model
too.

Emma (46:40):
Totally so.
This is I actually teachcouples this for themselves,
right?
So whenever they're likesomething that normally wouldn't
bother you so much or that'sannoying, but you're okay, but
then we, when it really puts youover the top, it's not about
the thing, it's like you're notfeeling connected, so that
bandwidth is lower, right.
So same concept, and I usuallyteach parents also, you know how
, about some specialmommy-daughter time, some

(47:00):
special daddy-daughter orson-mommy-daddy, whatever the
combinations, right?
So special attention and howyou build that into the routines
and so totally, connections.
You know it's so interesting,like it's almost like the magic
pill, right, like it pretty muchsolves all of the problems.
Of course there's other thingsthat we need to do, right, but
like that's really a lot of thetimes just boils down to like

(47:23):
when you're connected toyourself, your partner, your kid
, things are easier, right?
The body is an interconnectedsystem, so it's not just a
little body just here, and if Ido this, everything's perfect.
So tell us more about whatyou're thinking about that.

Marvin Bee (47:40):
Well, some of the things that I've been learning
with some of the specialists isI've had people that have come
on and talked about specifictypes of alternative lifestyles
I guess it's the best way todescribe it you know, looking at
functional medicine or lookingat something like Ayurveda,

(48:01):
which has been around a lotlonger than we know about, but
what all of these do is theylook at the body as a whole and
we tend to focus more on justthe one thing that we think is
wrong.
Well, I'm fat, so I'll just fixthat and everything will be fine

(48:21):
.
Where it might be that otherparts of our lives could be
affecting that particular area,we talked about emotional eating
, where how we interact withother people, how we interact
with TV that's part of thatholistic approach and how we

(48:45):
feed our bodies, how we feed ourminds and how we treat our body
and minds kind of has to belooked at from a whole
perspective.
There is a show that I listenedto that I'm trying to get her on
the show where she's talkedabout this low-tox lifestyle
where, yes, there's a lot ofthings in our food that are

(49:06):
making our body unhealthy, butthere's a lot of things in our
environment where some peoplehave this weird association with
smells or touches or sounds.
It's hard for me to put it inwords, but I've learned from all
of these practices that youhave to look at the body as a

(49:29):
whole, because the symptom thatwe have might be caused by
something completely differentthan what we think it is.
So that's one of the thingsthat I haven't quite grasped it
yet, but I'm learning that wehave to look at our body in a
multidimensional, holistic way.

Emma (49:50):
When we are having some of those symptoms and the body is
saying something is not right,what might be some of the things
that might be going on in ourlife, in our lifestyle, how
we're doing ourselves, that doescreate this?
Something's going on in ourbody, manifest in our body and

(50:11):
in our health right andeventually a disease.

Well, I think stress is a major thing for all
of us.
I think we all have,unfortunately, stress in our
lives and that manifests indifferent ways and it often can
come out physically.
You see it in physical symptomsand often people with
autoimmune disease have stressthat has contributed to that, or

(50:38):
even any.
Any other regular disease, suchas a cancer, can come on,
starting as stress.
And they say that even withstress you may not have been
diagnosed with a disease yet,but if you run labs you can see
the beginning of thoseantibodies starting to build and
increase.
So you will see a lot of stressand those lifestyle you know

(51:02):
feelings of.
You know those workaholics whoalways have to get things done.
You know being a perfectionistA lot of us were raised in that
environment or maybe havingpeople around you that are
over-controlling.
Or, you know, maybe youyourself are over-serving,
taking care of everyone else andnot prioritizing your own

(51:24):
wellbeing.
You do for everyone beforeyourself and I often see that
with women especially, tend tobe the martyrs who are going to
do for everyone beforethemselves, and it's it's very
common I know, with thyroidclients especially, I see that
that they're always doing forothers and they feel guilty to
take that time out for their ownwellbeing and their health.

(51:46):
And I often have to remind themand work with them to say you
know if you're not around youcan't help anyone.
If you're not being able to getoff the couch, you can't help
anyone.
So it's really important toprioritize yourself so that you
can give more to others and helpothers and feel good in that
way.
But if you don't have thatenergy to give, you know you're

(52:09):
going to really be depletingyourself on a regular basis.
So stress, really that cortisolreally, you know, depletes and
throws off the body all thosehormone imbalances.
It really does cause a hormoneimbalance if you have chronic
stress like that.
So I think stress is a hugefactor.
So knowing how to manage stressis very important.

Emma (52:30):
Absolutely.
I love how you also mentionedall the other patterns in there,
right, overhelping helpingother people, prioritizing other
people over helping helpingother people, prioritizing other
people um, just the grind, the,the overdoing, the overfunction
and the perfectionism, right.
So all of those things createstress in and of themselves, but
the patterns themselves havespecific ways that might impact

(52:54):
our well-being, not not justthat one hormone, right, right.
So, like, what are the patternsdo you see that play out in
people's lives or relationships,and what body parts might they
affect and in what ways?

I often see people don't feel worthy, they feel
shameful, they kind of don'twant to have confrontation and
you'll see that in pain they'llhave pain, they'll have fatigue,
you know they'll havedepression, mood changes, you
know, and with thyroidespecially, it'll cause hair

(53:30):
loss and that's a stress symptomas well as a thyroid symptom,
which a lot of stress andthyroid tend to overlap, and
it's, it's really, you know,it's.
It's very difficult because youreally have to slowly build
your self-worth, yourprioritizing your healing and
giving yourself compassion.

(53:51):
And every client that I workwith that's where we start.
We start with thatself-compassion and you know,
kind of asking yourself what'sthe most healthy and
self-compassion thing I can dofor myself right now, today?
One small thing.

Emma (54:08):
Well, the first thing I would do is look at someone's
rhythm.
Are they always on the go?
Are they eating at regulartimes?
Are they getting enough proteinin, which is huge, because most
people, especially if it's graband go, aren't really thinking
about the protein content, whichI always recommend, like 40 to
50 grams a day.

(54:28):
You know, special for men andwomen, you know, maybe for men a
little bit more, more if you'reworking out, and what protein
helps do is it helps buildmuscle and it really helps
stabilize blood sugar.
It's also very like, on a moremetaphysical level, kind of
grounding for us.
So it just helps bring us backwithin the body.
We could say definitely back tothat point.

(54:51):
To come back to, I'm gonna pinthat awesome, you know, having
enough healthy fats, drinkingenough, because all of these two
, if we're not getting enoughwater in and we're made of
mostly water, then, yeah, wecould get pretty irritable, so
you know.
So it's also part of the fuelthat our body needs.
So first I'm really looking atwhat is your whole rhythm like,

(55:14):
what is your diet generallylooking like, and then, if we
need to bring in any tests, samething I'm going to be looking
at especially your cortisollevels for that circadian rhythm
.
And is someone sleeping?
Which chances are they could bewaking up in the middle of the
night if they're having thesedifferent stressors, or maybe
not even really being able toget out of bed properly.

(55:37):
So all these different telltalesigns, even in the history,
where I'm like, all right,here's where we need to start,
definitely, usually on thestress and hormone piece.
But, yes, we could always bringin some tests as needed.

Serena Goldstein (55:52):
Beautiful.
You know, out of all theconversations that I've been
having with people, you are thefirst one that mentioned that
just what is the rhythm of theday and the routines, and I love
that because I'm all about theroutine, the habits, the daily.
You know what is the dailystructure for the day.
Um, you know how do youmaximize what you put in, how do

(56:14):
you nurture yourself, what'syour self-care like?
All these different things,right?
This some of the some of what Ibring to the conversation with
my clients as well.
And how do we build in habitsor tactics or whatever we need
to put in there to supporteverything that you're saying,
so that we can function the bestwe can, so that we could be the
best partner that we want to beto our partner in our

(56:36):
relationship.
So the habits are just notwellness habits but also
connection habits, so all kindsof different habits just to do
our life better.
So what you said is perfect.
Just go in with the rhythm,right, like from the moment I
open my eyes, okay, what is mylife like, and then what happens
?
And then what happens, and thenwhat happens, right, until I
close my eyes again at night.
And can I do anything differentto make my life easier and

(56:57):
better throughout the day.
So I love that that's where youstart, that you didn't
automatically start with bloodwork.
Let's take 27 vials of bloodI'm not going to say who did
that and let's find out all ofthe things you know.
So that's fun and I'd like thatyou start there and then what's

(57:17):
indicated, and then we'll dothe tests or any test that might
be indicated.
What things do you find thattrip people up?
So you mentioned a few thingsalready, like what creates
impasses, where do people getlike they start butting heads
and stuff.
And then what would somebody anexpert like yourself and who's

(57:41):
a good mediator do to be able toresolve that and to help them
through, navigate that and passthrough?

Glenn Dornfeld (57:45):
That's actually a great question.
I'm working now with a couplewhere the wife has a lot of
family money and the husband isasking for a fair amount of
spousal support and she, thewife, is furious.

(58:09):
She feels that she has beensupporting him for years and she
doesn't want to support himanymore.
And the husband feels he'sentitled under law to what he's
asking for and has in factlowered what he's asking for
just to kind of get to a deal.

(58:30):
So there are emotionalresentments and blockages of the
process, like she could easily,if she wanted to.
She could easily give him whathe's asking for and be done with

(58:51):
the process.
I'm not saying that she should,but she could.
It's a choice that she couldmake.
And he has pointed out a coupleof times that if she gave him
what she's asking for, she wouldnot ever feel the difference
because of her finances.
But she's saying he's notentitled and other things

(59:13):
happened between them and sothis emotional stuff gets in the
way sometimes of them coming toa deal.
And so with this couple I havebeen, like I said before, I've
been doing shuttle mediation,talking to one and the other,
and I've gotten them a lotcloser.
I haven't yet gotten them to adeal yet, but the distance

(59:35):
between them is now about afifth of what the distance was
when I first started with them.
So they're much closer, butthey're both getting close to a
resistance point where they'resaying I'm not moving anymore.
So I don't know if it'll resolve.
So that's one of the things Ido, is I try to, because of the

(59:59):
hot buttons between them.
One of the things I do is I tryto because of the hot buttons
between them.
I've done shuttle and I'vetried to get them closer and I
have, and I may.
Another thing I may propose tothem is that they each are
coming in saying that theirlawyers are telling them that my
position is correct, right, andso what I may yeah.

(01:00:20):
So what I may do next is say canI have a mediation session with
your lawyers?
Because that way the lawyerscan hear what each other is
saying, instead of it being atelephone game, where the lawyer
allegedly tells the client thisand then the client tells me
that and then I tell the otherperson.

(01:00:40):
If the lawyers get together,maybe I can cut through the
remaining resistance.

Emma (01:00:47):
Yeah, that's excellent.
Unless the other lawyers havetaken it less than longer, I'm
just saying we might find out.

Glenn Dornfeld (01:00:54):
Yeah, and another process another idea I
have with them is we can also goto.
There are retired judges whosometimes give neutral opinions.
So another thing I might dowith them to help them, because
neither of them wants to go tocourt.
It would take years, it wouldeat up a ton of money half a

(01:01:16):
million dollars probably inlegal fees and it would be
horrible for them.
They have kids.
Kids are kind of older, butthey're still kids, and so I
might just encourage them to geta neutral opinion.
That would not be binding onthem they can still roll the
dice and go to a judge but atleast it may be helpful to them

(01:01:41):
to know what a judge who's dealtwith matrimonials before would
say about this.
And one of them might well befind out.
Oh my God, my lawyer is givingme bad information and I'm going
to lose if I go to court.
Maybe I want to sell.

Emma (01:01:58):
Oh, how wonderful.

Glenn Dornfeld (01:01:59):
I love that I might have to use that I'm
always trying for different waysto solve the problem and remove
the impasse, depending onwhat's presented to me in a
given situation.

Emma (01:02:12):
Yeah, that's so interesting.
So I had a couple that was verysimilar to the couple that
you're describing.
I actually thought of them assoon as you brought them.
I'm like, oh, I wonder ifthat's them.
Very similar.
Like the woman had the moneyand the guys wants part of it
and she's like that's not yourmoney, like the whole thing.
So I understand that storyline.
And I have another couple thatis more current that when you

(01:02:36):
say you said half a milliondollars, sometimes that's
nothing actually what somepeople are spending, it's like
wow, like you're throwing yourmoney away, like can we figure
something else out?
Right, it's like almost silly.
But yeah, people get stuck inthat.
And there's like an emotionalcomponent that I biased opinion.
Let's address the emotionalcomponents so you could get

(01:02:58):
unhooked, right.
So maybe referring them to atherapist might be helpful.
Hello there, I hope that youenjoyed that compilation and if
you haven't watched the firstone, feel free to go back to the
last episode, the essentialscompilation, part one, where we
cover the first half of lastyear's episode, and it's the

(01:03:19):
same similar experience to this,where you get the segments for
a quick flavor of the episodethat they came from.
Feel free to keep looking intowhat else serves you.
If you haven't yet checked outthe specific topics further that
either the guests or the topicthat that might have really felt

(01:03:39):
right for you, that resonatesfor you at this time feel free
to do that now.
Just go to the timestamps orthe chapters listed in the
description box, or justwhatever you're watching this,
wherever that's available to you, and feel free to dig a little
deeper into whatever topicresonated for you more or that

(01:04:00):
you need the most right now andagain.
You could just get everythingin your inbox the links to all
of the episodes with the guestsand all of their gifts.
So feel free to just grab thatfor yourself and just have it
handy so you could quicklyreference things as you like.
So you could get that atmetrorelationshipcom forward
slash podcast.
Check it out, give us a thumbsup and like, so you could get

(01:04:20):
that at metrorelationshipcomforward slash podcast.
Check it out, give us a thumbsup, a like, a comment.
All of the things share and Iwould love to hear what
resonated for you the most, whattopic you liked, what guests
you liked the most, what youwould like to hear in the future
, know more about, and also whatdo you think of our podcast
page, the little rebrand refreshthat we've done.

(01:04:42):
Thank you so much for watching.
I hope that you enjoyed thisand I look forward to seeing you
at the next one.
Bye.

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Special 1st Anniversary Essentials Compilation from Episodes 12-22 - Part 2 (Ep.24)

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Special *1st Anniversary* Essentials Compilation from Episodes 12-22 - Part 2 (Ep.24)