February 12, 2025 • 42 mins
In today’s episode, Emma highlights signs that a couple might be in a slump and emphasizes that this doesn’t have to be the norm in their relationship… She explains that partners might have settled into an average relationship, or perhaps have identified they are struggling, but are feeling at a loss for how to create changes or uplevel their relationship. Covering 6 ways in which partners might be experiencing a struggle or averageness, she validates how these are common unless the partners are intentional about creating a radiant and successful relationship. And in typical Emma form, she shares 11 actionable ways in which partners can move from stuck to radiant in their relationship, and a ton for FREE resources.
Emma and the MetroMFT team wish you a most romantical and loving Valentine’s Day and beyond!
Hope you enjoy it!
*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, info about the guest, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Please don't lie to yourself.
There is no sense in talkingyourself out of any of these
things if they're present foryou.
There's no shame in any of this.
There's nothing wrong with anyof this.
It's just what is, and you havea choice that you don't have to
just have average.
Some of these might be less thanaverage, like they might be
bothering you, and some of themmight feel like, okay, yeah,
(00:22):
they're good enough or they'repretty good, but just know that
everything could be better andwhy not go for better?
What's the point of justsettling right, if you may?
You might be feeling at a lossfor how to create connection,
nourishment and aliveness inyour relationship.
You might be feelingdisconnected, resentful, like
(00:44):
roommates, like you can't get onthe same page.
There's friction between you,there's conflict.
You're feeling empty.
You're feeling lonely.
You're feeling like you don'tknow where to go from here.
You feel kind of dead, likethere's a black hole in your
heart right, and you'rewondering what do I do?
(01:04):
How do I get out of this slumpin my relationship and how do I
recapture the essence of who wewere when we first met?
Where is the juice for ourrelationship?
Where is the we?
Where is the yumminess thatmakes us who we are as a couple.
(01:26):
It's very common for couples toexperience that, once they make
a higher level of commitment,the part of the relationship
that's the couple, the romanticcouple, kind of gets lost in
translation a little bit and thepartners become more like
partners in life.
And what's interesting is thatsometimes partners don't even do
that well.
They kind of become like this,this, not entity couple.
(01:50):
They don't do either one right,and so today I want to focus on
the romantical side of things,since we have Valentine's just
around the corner, and I wantedto compile some concepts and
insights here and some takeawaysfor you to kind of implement
and automatically start liftingup, enriching and spicing up
(02:15):
your relationship.
Now, the first thing that Iwant to point out is that there
are some flavors, too, whenyou're feeling like this, so I
want to describe those a littlebit Like if this is your
relationship, so that yourecognize it.
You probably already know fromwhat I said so far, but just so
that I validate that you'refeeling some of these things.
(02:35):
There are six things that I wantto share with you that might be
characteristics that you mightbe experiencing in your
relationship.
Now, point aside, you mightthink that everything's fine,
that this is how things are.
Oh, we've been together for along time.
This is what happens inrelationships or things of that
nature, and when I describethese characteristics, then you
realize like, oh, maybe this isnot so normal, maybe I shouldn't
(02:57):
settle for this status quo.
Maybe we actually can recapture, rekindle what we had the
essence and the more fiery andthe more just aliveness in our
relationship, the strongeressence of the couple, the love
partnership.
And then I want to offer 11characteristics or gifts or
(03:23):
superpowers or actions, howeveryou want to look at these that
when you cultivate them, whenyou play with them, when you
practice them, when you pledgethese, that you're going to
embrace these and bring themforward more in your
relationship, will startactivating this love, the part
(03:46):
of the couple that seems to havebeen on ice, right.
So we want to activate the lovepartnership, the couple part of
your relationship.
Okay, so I'm going to startgiving this to you.
You might want to get a pencilor a pen or grab your note app
and just grab some of these sothat you could play with, going
(04:08):
forward and start enlighteningyour relationship.
Really yummy stuff.
One more thing that I want tohighlight, actually, before I
jump into the characteristicsthat you might recognize as
descriptive of the current stateof your relationship, and that
is that, as I go, I'll see whatcomes to me At the end I will
(04:32):
offer a couple of free thingsfor you to help you enrich any
aspect of this that you want toplay with to support you and
creating your love partnership.
Alrighty, so here we go, ready.
The first thing is that youmight recognize that the couple,
the relationship, your partner,falls to the bottom of your
(04:56):
priority list on a daily basis.
Now, that concept in and ofitself, you might think that my
relationship, my partner, mycouple, is not even on my list.
I don't intentionally thinkabout that on a daily basis, on
how to give it attention, how totake care of it, how to invest
(05:17):
in it.
So that, in and of itself, isan indicator that this might
require some TLC for things tobe different, and that there is
an opportunity for things to bedifferent that you might be more
happy with at the end of theday.
Now, when I list the thingsthat will activate this
romantical part, you will seethat you will know what are some
(05:40):
things to implement to not haveyour partnership, your couple,
your relationship, your partnerat the bottom of the list.
It will help you automaticallystart putting it more forefront
without too much effort.
Okay, so I promise it's notgoing to be a lot of work, it's
just it might shift.
It's just a little realignment,so very easily and effortlessly
(06:02):
, you could start creating thechanges and addressing these
characteristics that are makingyour relationship just average
right, when it could be so muchbetter.
And so just stay tuned for whenI start giving you those 11
activations, if you may.
Okay, so that's number one.
Number two is that yourrelationship might feel that
(06:26):
lacks connection.
You might be feeling theconnection between you, the bond
between you, is frayed, theconnection is dampened, that you
can't really feel it.
You can't really feel yourpartner, right, it's just, your
partner is just kind of likewalking around, like a roommate,
they're just there.
But there is not that deeperthing where you feel your
(06:50):
partner and even if you're notthere, physically present, you
still.
Your partner is still with youLike that might be lacking.
Number three is that theirromance got lost in translation.
So doesn't that make sense Ifyour partner's just there,
barely there even, and theydon't even make it to your
priority list on a daily basis,how can you possibly feel or
(07:13):
have romance?
That just doesn't even add upright.
And so one of the things isbringing that romance back.
Don't be intimidated by thatidea.
Maybe you never really had alot of romance.
You might not consider yourselfa very romantical person.
Your partner might not be veryromantical, it's okay.
It doesn't have romance,doesn't have to look like it
(07:34):
does in the movies, okay.
But this just means that thatpart of like wooing each other
and having the other personbeing forefront in our mind and
doing the little gestures thatthat piece is gone that was very
prevalent when we first met.
Like we want to please theother person, that that thing is
gone and so we want to bringthat back.
(07:55):
All right.
Number four the attraction hasfizzled, right.
So you look at your partner andthey might become really sloppy
or frumpy or they might be puttogether, but it's just not
chemistry.
They might not be looking great, they might have maybe not been
(08:16):
taking care of themselvesphysically, where they might not
be healthy or at least have alot of vitality or radiance, and
other people might not evenfind them attractive, but a lot
of times this is reallyinteresting, right?
So sometimes partners lookreally good and other people
find them really attractive, butthere's nothing between the
(08:37):
couple.
So I say what I said as a grainof salt it might not
necessarily be the appearance,but rather the energy that's
within, and so we want to bringthat attraction back, whether
it's driven by the appearance orby something more internal, and
I'd rather say that and not orso both external and internal,
(09:01):
so that that attraction canreally be hot.
Okay, the next one the loversare missing.
Now, that means that you'rejust doing the business of life,
you are going about your ownbusiness and you're taking care
of some of the domestic items,if you're married, if you have
(09:23):
children, but the partners, thelovers, the couple, the people
that make up the couple, theessences that make up the couple
, are muted.
They're mute.
So the part that brings thatattraction, the part that has
(09:43):
the sex, the part that makes youa couple feels like it's not
there, that makes you a couplefeels like it's not there, okay.
So that's another part thatmight be a characteristic of
your current relationship.
Then the next one is that youmight have intimacy, but it's
mechanical or superficial.
You might have some physicalmoments.
(10:06):
You might have some sexualintimate moments.
You might have some sexualintimate moments, but they're
not deep, they're not meaningful, they're not really connecting,
they're not really ecstatic.
They're just sex, and it mightbe okay sex.
It might be not so good sex, itmight even be great sex, but
(10:27):
just sex, and we could have morethan that.
We could take that to the nextlevel and we might want more of
that.
So it depends on what you'redoing and how you're doing and
how you're going about yourrelationship and your coupleness
.
This might have all kinds ofdifferent things happening here.
And so a little side note, I'vehad people who haven't had sex
(10:51):
in years come to therapy, and Ihave people who have sex all the
time and they still have allkinds of issues.
So one thing doesn't make theother, but this might be a
characteristic in and of itself.
As part of your couple, part ofyour relationship.
It's all right, right, butyou're not just like, oh, we're
good in that area.
And please don't lie toyourself.
(11:13):
There is no sense in talkingyourself out of any of these
things if they're present foryou.
There's no shame in any of this.
There's nothing wrong with anyof this.
It's just what is and you havea choice that you don't have to
just have average.
Some of these might be less thanaverage, like they might be
bothering you, and some of themmight feel like, okay, yeah,
(11:35):
they're good enough or they'repretty good, but just know that
everything could be better andwhy not go for better?
What's the point of justsettling right?
If you may, we could havewhatever we want, we could
create whatever we want.
So if we could go about, hey,let's level up the things, why
not?
Okay, so that's for intimacyand the physical part of things.
(11:57):
And that was number six.
So I'm going to have timestampsin the description for the
video, for the audio depends onwhy you're watching this.
So feel free to go back to thesix and see if they resonate for
you, if there's something inthere, if it's something like
you know what.
(12:18):
I haven't given that that muchthought.
But come to think of it, yeah,I want more of what that area
could give.
Yeah, I hadn't thought of thatas a problem, and I use the word
problem lightly.
I haven't thought of that as aproblem and I use the word
problem lightly.
I haven't thought of that asthe thing, but maybe it is the
thing.
I could definitely go for morein that department or in that
(12:38):
area where I would want morefrom us.
Why not really make this thebest that it could be?
So just play with that rightAgain, don't beat yourself up,
don't beat your partner up.
It's nobody's fault, there'snothing of none of that.
It's just what got created, andjust know that it can be
upleveled and that's what we'rehere to do.
(13:00):
So now I'm going to offer youthe other items, the other
characteristics or traits orskills or or virtues or descript
, whatever you want to call them.
That will help the love,partnership, part of your
relationship come out.
Okay.
So number one is flirtation.
I don't know about you, butmost relationships, when they
(13:24):
first start, there's an elementof flirtation.
Maybe when you first met,before you even progressed to
dating, there was someflirtation.
As you were dating, there mighthave been some flirtation and
as the relationship progressed,there might have been some
flirtation, but then it got lostin translation, but then it
just kind of stopped.
And so, bringing that back andyou might feel awkward at first,
(13:47):
if your relationship is in aparticular state or status, it
might feel like what, like whatare you doing?
It might feel weird to do it,it might feel weird to receive
it.
So start very subtle, right.
It doesn't have to be full-onflirting, it could just be like
a very subtle flirt, like alittle smidgen of a flirt.
(14:08):
Just play, experiment, right.
So be subtle, as subtle as youcould be, if it's a little scary
, and start playing with it.
Start experimenting, see if youstart getting reactions from
your partner, and then you canstep it up as you go.
You could make it more and moreflirty and take more and more
risks.
Hey, you never know.
You know.
That's the whole point.
So that's number one.
Number two is playfulness.
(14:29):
So same concept, right.
A lot of these were probablythere at the beginning and then
they started going away orstopping as the relationship
progressed, as you matured, asyou aged, dare I say, as you had
more responsibilities tochildren, other things, life,
you know and some of thesethings go out the window.
Now I'm going to correct myselfa little bit there and add for
(14:56):
those couples that are moremature in age, who started
together a little older, this isstill applicable.
So you might start it withthese things and then, as you
went along, they fizzled out.
So it's more about the lengthof the relationship than the age
of the partners per se.
So as the relationship goes,you kind of get into patterns
(15:19):
and things and some of thethings that made the
relationship special at thebeginning kind of partners stop
investing in those thingsbecause you achieved the goal of
the commitment and it's like,okay, fine, I don't have to
invest in this anymore.
And then you lose.
You lose out on the benefits ofkeeping those things going All
(15:44):
right.
So that was number two, theplayfulness.
I don't know that I need todescribe how to be flirtatious,
how to be playful, right, so I'mgoing to leave that up to you
to do your own little research,to play with that, to experiment
.
If you guys want more on this,by all means let me know.
I'll do my best to describethese more in depth.
To own videos, own recordings,own different content.
(16:07):
I don't know whatever's neededAt this point.
I'm trusting that you'recapable, but if you need more on
this, it doesn't mean thatyou're not capable.
It just means that, hey, whynot just create more activation
around these things and hook usup, emma, and that's totally
fine.
That's what I'm here to do.
So just let me know if you needmore.
Okay, the next one is three,which is curiosity.
(16:28):
So with curiosity, we want toshow our partner that what they
say is cool, interesting, and,as I say that, I hear people's
voices or reactions or thingsthat I've heard in the past from
partners, but it's notinteresting.
I have no interest in whateverhe or she is saying or like
(16:51):
their work, their interests,their experiences, whatever.
But this is how you get pastthat.
This is not about the content.
You see, this is where peoplego wrong in a lot of these
things in relationship.
They get stuck in the weedswith this, with some of these
things, and I said that becauseI'm thinking that this comes up
(17:12):
a lot when people are trying tofind common interests, right.
So that's just something else.
I could share a resource forthat, as needed.
If you're interested, let meknow in the comments and then
I'll let you know where to findmore about that.
But for now, for this, it's notabout the content.
Now for this, it's not aboutthe content.
It's about feeling your partner, feeling their excitement or
(17:35):
feeling their pain, even right.
So feeling their experience,like being curious about them,
what is happening for them,their experience, their
happenings, their emotions,their reactions, their responses
, how they were impacted.
We are curious about ourpartner, not about the piece
that you sewed together or howmany touchdowns the game had or
(18:00):
whatever.
Right, it's not about theparticular activity per se, even
though that's totally fine tothrow in there too.
But don't feel like you have tobe interested in the thing that
they're interested in.
That is not the point.
If you think like that, thatyou're losing the essence of
this particular gift.
Curious about our partner, howthey are experiencing the thing,
what happened for them, howthey are impacted, their desires
(18:22):
, their dreams, their wishes,their thoughts, whatever about
the things or what the thingsbrought out for them or what the
things do for them.
You see, very different, okay.
The next one is interest how toshow interest and be interested
in a partner.
So it's very similar tocuriosity, but this one is
(18:43):
actually showing an interest intheir thing.
So it might not be interestedto you per se.
Again, same concept, butinterested in what the thing is.
So we want to, with this one,show an interest in the thing
that they're interested in, evenif we're not interested in it.
(19:06):
It's more about being engagedwith them, about their interests
.
That in and of itself createsjuice.
So that was four.
Number five is attunement.
Now, this one is super special.
If you have the ability tobring this into interactions,
(19:28):
you are way ahead of the game.
Now I order these in a way thatI felt would show up in a
development of the relationship,right.
So I started with flirting,then playfulness, then curiosity
, then interest, you see.
(19:48):
So you start kind of goingdeeper as the relationship
develops, if you may, or asyou're starting to find this
part of the relationship again.
But they don't need to play inorder.
You don't have to play withthese in order, okay, so I'm
going to say more about that atthe end.
But it felt that ordering themthis way would make sense.
So attunement number five feelsthat it's a little deeper, and
(20:14):
so you already have some of theother things under your belt, so
it's easier to have a deeperlevel of being with the person,
with your partner.
So this reminds me of, and thisis why I think this one is so
special and dear to my heart.
This reminds me of when I firststarted going out with my
husband and this is over 30years ago at this point, and we
(20:36):
were in college and one of myfriends said you know, I look at
you and Pete, and she saidthat's what I want.
The way he looks at you and theway you guys look at each other
, it's like you have like yourown secret language.
Like you, you just look at eachother and it's kind of like
you're talking to each other,like you kind of know what's
going on in each other's minds.
And I thought that was sobeautiful, what a beautiful
(20:59):
observation to have about us.
Right, that was just gold.
So that's what we want to kindof cultivate.
Like when you look at yourpartner, you're kind of like,
yes, you know, like you'regetting each other, almost like
you're reading each other'sminds, and not necessarily with
words or with knowing what theother person is thinking.
(21:20):
I'm not promoting being a mindreader and getting in the other
person's circle and all thefunny business, but just being
in such attunement that you kindof feel each other at a deeper
level and know at a deeper level.
Right, it's just reallygorgeous when you start playing
with this.
Okay, the next one is six.
Now this one and the next oneare again a little close to each
(21:42):
other.
Bear with me, the words mighttrigger stuff.
And just a little side note, ifany of these feel like you want
to throw up in your mouth, thenthey're not for you yet.
And I say that what yet?
Tongue-in-cheek, because onceyou go down this journey they
just become so gorgeous andyou're like, and then you'll be
(22:02):
something like, but of course,right.
So just know, there's a timeand a place and you might just
not be ready for some of them.
But so the word the first one isadoration.
And you might be like ew, Idon't want to adore my partner.
And if you have that reactionit's totally fine.
Maybe you're not ready for thisone, or you might not want this
(22:24):
one.
That's totally cool.
To each their own right.
But if you're like listen, I'llbe curious, I'll bite, give me
more, mom, what is this oneabout?
And that is to cherish, to putyour partner in a place of like
wow, my partner is so awesome,this human that I chose to be my
(22:47):
partner is awesome.
That gets so lost in translationwhen we are in a long-term
relationship with somebody.
I hear this so much in thecouples that we work with that
you know, when people are havinga little bit of a struggle,
it's very hard to adore theirpartner.
(23:08):
So it's okay if you're like,not excited about this word.
It's okay if you're like, notexcited about this word, but
just know that it has to do withreally appreciating the
beautifulness of the human thatyou partnered with, looking at
them as this human and all ofthe brain to this human
experience.
Not be partner, however they'reshowing up in your relationship
(23:32):
currently.
You see this very, very.
There's a good distinctionthere to help with that.
So the next one might be evenworse than adoration, and this
one is devotion.
So you're gonna be like what?
So hopefully I'm making that upand you're not having any
strong reactions, but I'mtalking to those of you who are
(23:53):
having a strong reaction.
So the next one is devotion, anddevotion has to do with really
being committed at the deepestlevel, right, and at the end of
the day, when I translate thesewords, they're actually not that
yucky if you're struggling,right, if you think about them.
But devotion has to do withlike, yeah, but of course this
(24:16):
is my partner, right, and we'llfigure it out, we'll make it
work, we'll do no matter what.
That level of commitment ishard to come by and I really
commend the couples that come tosee us who are invested in
working through whatever istroubling them at the moment and
, however they fell off theirpath, whatever struggles they
(24:38):
are having, for the courage tobe vulnerable, to shake up
things, to go to these places,to take the risks Like man.
My hat is off to you guys.
And you all get gold stars fordoing the work Just gorgeous to
you guys.
And you all get gold stars fordoing the work Just gorgeous.
So devotion again is a deeperlevel of commitment that has to
(24:59):
do with yeah, I am stretching tosee all the good.
I'm going to get out of my wayso I can see all the good.
That's the key people.
I am going to really be in aplace where I could see my
partner.
I'm going to try to be in aplace where I could see my
(25:21):
partner.
I'm going to do the best that Ican to be in a place where I
could really see my partner andcommit to this thing to honor
the commitment that we made, tomake it work Right.
And when you go at it from thatlevel, you make it work, I
promise, okay.
So for those of you who mightknow a little bit of my story,
(25:41):
there was a period in ourrelationship where some of the
stuff came to be questioned andI was like nope, I am committed
to making this work and I didall of the things to making this
work and I did all of thethings.
And I say that in a way so thatit gives people hope.
It's not to shame people whodon't put in the work or people
(26:02):
who put in the work and theydon't want to put in the work
anymore or anything like that.
Like that's fine, we're on ajourney, we have all our own
things, but what I'm offering isthat if you're full in, you
figure out what you need to dodifferent.
So it's not about like I didall the things, so now I'm done.
All right, be careful with that, because it's not about doing
(26:24):
all the things.
It's like hmm, how do I need tobe different so that something
different can happen?
It's not like doing all thesethings so that check, check,
check and it didn't work right.
So we have to be careful withthis.
Sometimes our ego gets in theway, but really humbly showing
up to like, wow, how do I reallydo this so that it could work?
(26:44):
Guys, that's likereconstructing ourselves.
And this is coming from arelationship therapist, right,
woo.
So just beautiful work and it'sso possible for those who want
to go to those places.
It's just a fun journey ifthat's part of your journey.
Some people have other thingsto do and that's okay.
(27:07):
Okay, so that was seven.
Eight now they start gettingbetter and funner.
Those were kind of intense.
The next one is eight and it'saffection.
So it's pretty self-explanatory, and even though actually I
should say that, even thoughit's pretty self-explanatory,
affection sometimes needs tomeet our partner's preference.
(27:35):
Right, we could be affectionatein a way that our partner might
not like, and vice versa.
And so how do we do affectionin a way that serves us both,
that it touches our partner,that it's easy for us to do,
that replenishes and works forus, that it just is really good
for both of us?
So that could be tricky in andof itself, right.
(27:56):
So these things could getcomplex if we allow them to, but
just bringing mindfulness toall these things, that's the key
.
Number nine is connection, andconnection is about how do we
stay in the know, how do we stayin the know, how do we stay
bonded, how do we stay in aplace where we feel our partner,
(28:21):
even if they're not here.
They could be across the globe,on the moon, but we still feel
the connection.
That's tricky to do.
Sometimes People could be inthe same room and they feel
disconnected as you probablyvery well know.
Tricky to do.
Sometimes people could be inthe same room and they feel
disconnected, as you probablyvery well know.
And so how do we create thatconnection?
How do we sustain it?
(28:42):
Because sometimes we feelconnected and then the next day
we feel disconnected.
And then we feel connected andthen we feel disconnected and
it's torture.
But so how do we createsomething that's sustainable,
that feels good all the time,without too much effort, right?
So how do we create somethingthat's sustainable, that feels
good all the time, without toomuch effort, right?
So how do we create somethingthat we automate creating
connection?
We use connection habits forthis, right?
(29:03):
So what do we need to put inplace so that we easily create
connection ongoingly?
And then that helps us sustainit?
And then our job is to justfocus on deepening it.
How do we make it more special,more meaningful, deeper, more
rich, and that's fun.
(29:24):
So then we bring that level toit and the connection habits
help with that, because thenthere is different habits that
you put at different times ofthe day, different times of the
week that just allow fordeepening and for being with
each other more and morespecifically and just better.
And then the next one is 10, andthat's intimacy.
(29:48):
And now intimacy could beemotional intimacy, but in this
particular context I'm referringto in terms of physical
intimacy, where you actuallyhave more physical moments, more
sexy time and enjoy each other.
And it's not, like I saidbefore when I was talking about
the characteristics that don'tfeel so good, that it might feel
(30:10):
mechanical or superficial, butyou have that level of intimacy
where it's really pleasurablefor each, where you're both
really generous, where you takeyour time, where, even if you
have a quickie, it feels reallymeaningful, where you just take
things to no heights.
And that leads me to the nextone, which is passion.
(30:33):
You could just really add moreand more wood to that fire.
It doesn't have to fizzle, itdoesn't have to be a little tiny
flame, right, so you could fanit and then it could be bigger
and bigger and bigger and bereally, really steamy.
Okay, my loves.
So those are the 11.
What I want to offer around thisis that we don't have to make
(30:54):
it complicated.
We don't have to make itcomplicated, we don't have to
make it challenging, we don'thave to struggle, we don't have
to beat ourselves up, we don'thave to shame ourselves, we
don't have to beat our partnerup or shame them or blame it on
our partner and all the funnythings that we might do when we
have a little bit of a strugglein our relationship or when
we're going through like alittle dip which is very common
(31:16):
but instead is to be curious, tobe interested, to be committed
and to say, okay, we're in alittle bit of a slump or we're
going through a phase, or we'repretty good, but hey, why not go
for even better, right?
So whatever state you're in,all of it is fabulous, it's part
of your journey.
Even better, right?
So whatever state you're in,all of it is fabulous, it's part
(31:36):
of your journey.
So, to look at all of thisstuff from that perspective,
it's all for you, it's allchosen, you're creating this,
you're co-creating it, and yourjob is to do your side and to
elevate you.
What you contribute, what youput in, what you invest, can you
imagine showing up with allthese characteristics?
As you're showing up with them,like if you're flirting,
(31:58):
there's no way that your partnercan like be like, hmm, what's
going on Right?
And so at first they might belike, ew, or they might have a
weird reaction or they might belike, ignore it, like what's
going on Right.
But I mean that's when couplesare really struggling, like, if
you're like not in a diresituation, most likely your
(32:20):
partner will be like, oh, what'sgoing on.
And so when you start showingup differently with some of
these things, and the more thatyou use them and the more that
you use more of them, you willhave an impact on your
relationship.
You just cannot have one.
You put in the work, you willget the results.
And do your side.
Play with these things, show upwith this, make it a little
(32:40):
challenge for yourself.
How do I step it up?
You know, see what happens.
Play, and I would love to hearin the comments which one of
these really resonated for you,which one you're like so
interested in and that you'regoing to play with.
And if you feel courageous andcomfortable, share, like what
happened, how your partnerresponded to any of your
(33:02):
attempts or your newcharacteristics that you're
playing with.
That would be so fun to hear.
All right, so the key is to playwith these, to be light about
them, to have fun with them, tosprinkle them in, to just be
lighthearted and just investwith these things and make them
(33:24):
a practice of some sort.
What do you need to put inplace so you've remembered to
play with these things, right?
Do you need to set reminders onyour phone, use a reminders app
, use a reminder for each one ofthese, put an alarm like show
up with this thing.
Or a little sticky note on yourcomputer or whatever different
(33:45):
rubber band colors on your wristto remember, be lighthearted
about it and just play andpractice.
The more that you practicethese things, the more you
activate and the more that youcultivate and the more that you
expand these things and the morethat you will feel the love,
partnership.
(34:06):
That's the key.
And then the third piece ofthat is to pledge to this
commitment, to this investment,to this up-leveling right.
So we're going to play withpeace today.
Usually you play with words,with C.
I don't know why I have thatattraction.
If anybody knows why Cs areattractive, let me know in the
(34:27):
comments.
I'm curious.
But today peace came to be andso we're going to play, we're
going to practice, we're goingto pledge Okie dokie.
So one more thing I want toshare some resources that you
can find in all of our freecontent to support some of these
things.
So the things that came to mindas I was chatting and sharing
(34:48):
with you had to do.
One of them was the connectionhabits.
So if you go to my blog,metrorelationshipcom forward
slash blog, and put in thesearch box connection habits,
you will get a few blog poststhat teach you how to create
habits, what kind of connectionshabits there are and all kinds
(35:08):
of goodies.
So you can play with that.
Go to the resources tab on ourwebsite, metrorelationshipcom
forward slash resources.
I don't know if it says freeresources or just resources, but
just take a look and go toFebruary.
There's a whole video arounddating your partner, investing
in the relationship, nurturingthe relationship, all kinds of
goodies.
That I did a couple of yearsago for Valentine's day and I
(35:29):
run the, the the love theme forthe month and there's a
downloadable there that helpsyou how to date your partner.
So you're welcome to that sothat you could step up the
romantical side of things andthe playfulness and the fun and
the adventure and all the goodthings.
That's the easiest way toinvest in this stuff as well.
Check out the YouTube.
(35:50):
There's a few playlists aroundnurturing enrichment connection
and those might be helpful.
I'll see what feels right in myair specific links, but feel
free to go dig around in thoseplaces for those.
Okay, I think that's it fortoday.
My loves, thank you so much forwatching, for listening, for
being here with me, sharing time, being open to the concept of
(36:13):
creating a love partnership.
That usually gets lost in ourlife and is such a waste of an
opportunity to have an amazing,grand life experience and
amazing relationship with ourpartner.
Let's create the epic loveaffair with our partner that we
desire deep down inside, totallypossible.
(36:33):
Let's do it.
Thank you so much.
I'll see you at the next one.
Bye.
Please don't lie to yourself.
There is no sense in talkingyourself out of any of these
things if they're present foryou.
There's no shame in any of this.
There's nothing wrong with anyof this.
It's just what is, and you havea choice that you don't have to
just have average.
Some of these might be less thanaverage, like they might be
bothering you, and some of themmight feel like, okay, yeah,
(00:22):
they're good enough or they'repretty good, but just know that
everything could be better andwhy not go for better?
What's the point of justsettling right, if you may?
You might be feeling at a lossfor how to create connection,
nourishment and aliveness inyour relationship.
You might be feelingdisconnected, resentful, like
(00:44):
roommates, like you can't get onthe same page.
There's friction between you,there's conflict.
You're feeling empty.
You're feeling lonely.
You're feeling like you don'tknow where to go from here.
You feel kind of dead, likethere's a black hole in your
heart right, and you'rewondering what do I do?
(01:04):
How do I get out of this slumpin my relationship and how do I
recapture the essence of who wewere when we first met?
Where is the juice for ourrelationship?
Where is the we?
Where is the yumminess thatmakes us who we are as a couple.
(01:26):
It's very common for couples toexperience that, once they make
a higher level of commitment,the part of the relationship
that's the couple, the romanticcouple, kind of gets lost in
translation a little bit and thepartners become more like
partners in life.
And what's interesting is thatsometimes partners don't even do
that well.
They kind of become like this,this, not entity couple.
(01:50):
They don't do either one right,and so today I want to focus on
the romantical side of things,since we have Valentine's just
around the corner, and I wantedto compile some concepts and
insights here and some takeawaysfor you to kind of implement
and automatically start liftingup, enriching and spicing up
(02:15):
your relationship.
Now, the first thing that Iwant to point out is that there
are some flavors, too, whenyou're feeling like this, so I
want to describe those a littlebit Like if this is your
relationship, so that yourecognize it.
You probably already know fromwhat I said so far, but just so
that I validate that you'refeeling some of these things.
(02:35):
There are six things that I wantto share with you that might be
characteristics that you mightbe experiencing in your
relationship.
Now, point aside, you mightthink that everything's fine,
that this is how things are.
Oh, we've been together for along time.
This is what happens inrelationships or things of that
nature, and when I describethese characteristics, then you
realize like, oh, maybe this isnot so normal, maybe I shouldn't
(02:57):
settle for this status quo.
Maybe we actually can recapture, rekindle what we had the
essence and the more fiery andthe more just aliveness in our
relationship, the strongeressence of the couple, the love
partnership.
And then I want to offer 11characteristics or gifts or
(03:23):
superpowers or actions, howeveryou want to look at these that
when you cultivate them, whenyou play with them, when you
practice them, when you pledgethese, that you're going to
embrace these and bring themforward more in your
relationship, will startactivating this love, the part
(03:46):
of the couple that seems to havebeen on ice, right.
So we want to activate the lovepartnership, the couple part of
your relationship.
Okay, so I'm going to startgiving this to you.
You might want to get a pencilor a pen or grab your note app
and just grab some of these sothat you could play with, going
(04:08):
forward and start enlighteningyour relationship.
Really yummy stuff.
One more thing that I want tohighlight, actually, before I
jump into the characteristicsthat you might recognize as
descriptive of the current stateof your relationship, and that
is that, as I go, I'll see whatcomes to me At the end I will
(04:32):
offer a couple of free thingsfor you to help you enrich any
aspect of this that you want toplay with to support you and
creating your love partnership.
Alrighty, so here we go, ready.
The first thing is that youmight recognize that the couple,
the relationship, your partner,falls to the bottom of your
(04:56):
priority list on a daily basis.
Now, that concept in and ofitself, you might think that my
relationship, my partner, mycouple, is not even on my list.
I don't intentionally thinkabout that on a daily basis, on
how to give it attention, how totake care of it, how to invest
(05:17):
in it.
So that, in and of itself, isan indicator that this might
require some TLC for things tobe different, and that there is
an opportunity for things to bedifferent that you might be more
happy with at the end of theday.
Now, when I list the thingsthat will activate this
romantical part, you will seethat you will know what are some
(05:40):
things to implement to not haveyour partnership, your couple,
your relationship, your partnerat the bottom of the list.
It will help you automaticallystart putting it more forefront
without too much effort.
Okay, so I promise it's notgoing to be a lot of work, it's
just it might shift.
It's just a little realignment,so very easily and effortlessly
(06:02):
, you could start creating thechanges and addressing these
characteristics that are makingyour relationship just average
right, when it could be so muchbetter.
And so just stay tuned for whenI start giving you those 11
activations, if you may.
Okay, so that's number one.
Number two is that yourrelationship might feel that
(06:26):
lacks connection.
You might be feeling theconnection between you, the bond
between you, is frayed, theconnection is dampened, that you
can't really feel it.
You can't really feel yourpartner, right, it's just, your
partner is just kind of likewalking around, like a roommate,
they're just there.
But there is not that deeperthing where you feel your
(06:50):
partner and even if you're notthere, physically present, you
still.
Your partner is still with youLike that might be lacking.
Number three is that theirromance got lost in translation.
So doesn't that make sense Ifyour partner's just there,
barely there even, and theydon't even make it to your
priority list on a daily basis,how can you possibly feel or
(07:13):
have romance?
That just doesn't even add upright.
And so one of the things isbringing that romance back.
Don't be intimidated by thatidea.
Maybe you never really had alot of romance.
You might not consider yourselfa very romantical person.
Your partner might not be veryromantical, it's okay.
It doesn't have romance,doesn't have to look like it
(07:34):
does in the movies, okay.
But this just means that thatpart of like wooing each other
and having the other personbeing forefront in our mind and
doing the little gestures thatthat piece is gone that was very
prevalent when we first met.
Like we want to please theother person, that that thing is
gone and so we want to bringthat back.
(07:55):
All right.
Number four the attraction hasfizzled, right.
So you look at your partner andthey might become really sloppy
or frumpy or they might be puttogether, but it's just not
chemistry.
They might not be looking great, they might have maybe not been
(08:16):
taking care of themselvesphysically, where they might not
be healthy or at least have alot of vitality or radiance, and
other people might not evenfind them attractive, but a lot
of times this is reallyinteresting, right?
So sometimes partners lookreally good and other people
find them really attractive, butthere's nothing between the
(08:37):
couple.
So I say what I said as a grainof salt it might not
necessarily be the appearance,but rather the energy that's
within, and so we want to bringthat attraction back, whether
it's driven by the appearance orby something more internal, and
I'd rather say that and not orso both external and internal,
(09:01):
so that that attraction canreally be hot.
Okay, the next one the loversare missing.
Now, that means that you'rejust doing the business of life,
you are going about your ownbusiness and you're taking care
of some of the domestic items,if you're married, if you have
(09:23):
children, but the partners, thelovers, the couple, the people
that make up the couple, theessences that make up the couple
, are muted.
They're mute.
So the part that brings thatattraction, the part that has
(09:43):
the sex, the part that makes youa couple feels like it's not
there, that makes you a couplefeels like it's not there, okay.
So that's another part thatmight be a characteristic of
your current relationship.
Then the next one is that youmight have intimacy, but it's
mechanical or superficial.
You might have some physicalmoments.
(10:06):
You might have some sexualintimate moments.
You might have some sexualintimate moments, but they're
not deep, they're not meaningful, they're not really connecting,
they're not really ecstatic.
They're just sex, and it mightbe okay sex.
It might be not so good sex, itmight even be great sex, but
(10:27):
just sex, and we could have morethan that.
We could take that to the nextlevel and we might want more of
that.
So it depends on what you'redoing and how you're doing and
how you're going about yourrelationship and your coupleness
.
This might have all kinds ofdifferent things happening here.
And so a little side note, I'vehad people who haven't had sex
(10:51):
in years come to therapy, and Ihave people who have sex all the
time and they still have allkinds of issues.
So one thing doesn't make theother, but this might be a
characteristic in and of itself.
As part of your couple, part ofyour relationship.
It's all right, right, butyou're not just like, oh, we're
good in that area.
And please don't lie toyourself.
(11:13):
There is no sense in talkingyourself out of any of these
things if they're present foryou.
There's no shame in any of this.
There's nothing wrong with anyof this.
It's just what is and you havea choice that you don't have to
just have average.
Some of these might be less thanaverage, like they might be
bothering you, and some of themmight feel like, okay, yeah,
(11:35):
they're good enough or they'repretty good, but just know that
everything could be better andwhy not go for better?
What's the point of justsettling right?
If you may, we could havewhatever we want, we could
create whatever we want.
So if we could go about, hey,let's level up the things, why
not?
Okay, so that's for intimacyand the physical part of things.
(11:57):
And that was number six.
So I'm going to have timestampsin the description for the
video, for the audio depends onwhy you're watching this.
So feel free to go back to thesix and see if they resonate for
you, if there's something inthere, if it's something like
you know what.
(12:18):
I haven't given that that muchthought.
But come to think of it, yeah,I want more of what that area
could give.
Yeah, I hadn't thought of thatas a problem, and I use the word
problem lightly.
I haven't thought of that as aproblem and I use the word
problem lightly.
I haven't thought of that asthe thing, but maybe it is the
thing.
I could definitely go for morein that department or in that
(12:38):
area where I would want morefrom us.
Why not really make this thebest that it could be?
So just play with that rightAgain, don't beat yourself up,
don't beat your partner up.
It's nobody's fault, there'snothing of none of that.
It's just what got created, andjust know that it can be
upleveled and that's what we'rehere to do.
(13:00):
So now I'm going to offer youthe other items, the other
characteristics or traits orskills or or virtues or descript
, whatever you want to call them.
That will help the love,partnership, part of your
relationship come out.
Okay.
So number one is flirtation.
I don't know about you, butmost relationships, when they
(13:24):
first start, there's an elementof flirtation.
Maybe when you first met,before you even progressed to
dating, there was someflirtation.
As you were dating, there mighthave been some flirtation and
as the relationship progressed,there might have been some
flirtation, but then it got lostin translation, but then it
just kind of stopped.
And so, bringing that back andyou might feel awkward at first,
(13:47):
if your relationship is in aparticular state or status, it
might feel like what, like whatare you doing?
It might feel weird to do it,it might feel weird to receive
it.
So start very subtle, right.
It doesn't have to be full-onflirting, it could just be like
a very subtle flirt, like alittle smidgen of a flirt.
(14:08):
Just play, experiment, right.
So be subtle, as subtle as youcould be, if it's a little scary
, and start playing with it.
Start experimenting, see if youstart getting reactions from
your partner, and then you canstep it up as you go.
You could make it more and moreflirty and take more and more
risks.
Hey, you never know.
You know.
That's the whole point.
So that's number one.
Number two is playfulness.
(14:29):
So same concept, right.
A lot of these were probablythere at the beginning and then
they started going away orstopping as the relationship
progressed, as you matured, asyou aged, dare I say, as you had
more responsibilities tochildren, other things, life,
you know and some of thesethings go out the window.
Now I'm going to correct myselfa little bit there and add for
(14:56):
those couples that are moremature in age, who started
together a little older, this isstill applicable.
So you might start it withthese things and then, as you
went along, they fizzled out.
So it's more about the lengthof the relationship than the age
of the partners per se.
So as the relationship goes,you kind of get into patterns
(15:19):
and things and some of thethings that made the
relationship special at thebeginning kind of partners stop
investing in those thingsbecause you achieved the goal of
the commitment and it's like,okay, fine, I don't have to
invest in this anymore.
And then you lose.
You lose out on the benefits ofkeeping those things going All
(15:44):
right.
So that was number two, theplayfulness.
I don't know that I need todescribe how to be flirtatious,
how to be playful, right, so I'mgoing to leave that up to you
to do your own little research,to play with that, to experiment
.
If you guys want more on this,by all means let me know.
I'll do my best to describethese more in depth.
To own videos, own recordings,own different content.
(16:07):
I don't know whatever's neededAt this point.
I'm trusting that you'recapable, but if you need more on
this, it doesn't mean thatyou're not capable.
It just means that, hey, whynot just create more activation
around these things and hook usup, emma, and that's totally
fine.
That's what I'm here to do.
So just let me know if you needmore.
Okay, the next one is three,which is curiosity.
(16:28):
So with curiosity, we want toshow our partner that what they
say is cool, interesting, and,as I say that, I hear people's
voices or reactions or thingsthat I've heard in the past from
partners, but it's notinteresting.
I have no interest in whateverhe or she is saying or like
(16:51):
their work, their interests,their experiences, whatever.
But this is how you get pastthat.
This is not about the content.
You see, this is where peoplego wrong in a lot of these
things in relationship.
They get stuck in the weedswith this, with some of these
things, and I said that becauseI'm thinking that this comes up
(17:12):
a lot when people are trying tofind common interests, right.
So that's just something else.
I could share a resource forthat, as needed.
If you're interested, let meknow in the comments and then
I'll let you know where to findmore about that.
But for now, for this, it's notabout the content.
Now for this, it's not aboutthe content.
It's about feeling your partner, feeling their excitement or
(17:35):
feeling their pain, even right.
So feeling their experience,like being curious about them,
what is happening for them,their experience, their
happenings, their emotions,their reactions, their responses
, how they were impacted.
We are curious about ourpartner, not about the piece
that you sewed together or howmany touchdowns the game had or
(18:00):
whatever.
Right, it's not about theparticular activity per se, even
though that's totally fine tothrow in there too.
But don't feel like you have tobe interested in the thing that
they're interested in.
That is not the point.
If you think like that, thatyou're losing the essence of
this particular gift.
Curious about our partner, howthey are experiencing the thing,
what happened for them, howthey are impacted, their desires
(18:22):
, their dreams, their wishes,their thoughts, whatever about
the things or what the thingsbrought out for them or what the
things do for them.
You see, very different, okay.
The next one is interest how toshow interest and be interested
in a partner.
So it's very similar tocuriosity, but this one is
(18:43):
actually showing an interest intheir thing.
So it might not be interestedto you per se.
Again, same concept, butinterested in what the thing is.
So we want to, with this one,show an interest in the thing
that they're interested in, evenif we're not interested in it.
(19:06):
It's more about being engagedwith them, about their interests
.
That in and of itself createsjuice.
So that was four.
Number five is attunement.
Now, this one is super special.
If you have the ability tobring this into interactions,
(19:28):
you are way ahead of the game.
Now I order these in a way thatI felt would show up in a
development of the relationship,right.
So I started with flirting,then playfulness, then curiosity
, then interest, you see.
(19:48):
So you start kind of goingdeeper as the relationship
develops, if you may, or asyou're starting to find this
part of the relationship again.
But they don't need to play inorder.
You don't have to play withthese in order, okay, so I'm
going to say more about that atthe end.
But it felt that ordering themthis way would make sense.
So attunement number five feelsthat it's a little deeper, and
(20:14):
so you already have some of theother things under your belt, so
it's easier to have a deeperlevel of being with the person,
with your partner.
So this reminds me of, and thisis why I think this one is so
special and dear to my heart.
This reminds me of when I firststarted going out with my
husband and this is over 30years ago at this point, and we
(20:36):
were in college and one of myfriends said you know, I look at
you and Pete, and she saidthat's what I want.
The way he looks at you and theway you guys look at each other
, it's like you have like yourown secret language.
Like you, you just look at eachother and it's kind of like
you're talking to each other,like you kind of know what's
going on in each other's minds.
And I thought that was sobeautiful, what a beautiful
(20:59):
observation to have about us.
Right, that was just gold.
So that's what we want to kindof cultivate.
Like when you look at yourpartner, you're kind of like,
yes, you know, like you'regetting each other, almost like
you're reading each other'sminds, and not necessarily with
words or with knowing what theother person is thinking.
(21:20):
I'm not promoting being a mindreader and getting in the other
person's circle and all thefunny business, but just being
in such attunement that you kindof feel each other at a deeper
level and know at a deeper level.
Right, it's just reallygorgeous when you start playing
with this.
Okay, the next one is six.
Now this one and the next oneare again a little close to each
(21:42):
other.
Bear with me, the words mighttrigger stuff.
And just a little side note, ifany of these feel like you want
to throw up in your mouth, thenthey're not for you yet.
And I say that what yet?
Tongue-in-cheek, because onceyou go down this journey they
just become so gorgeous andyou're like, and then you'll be
(22:02):
something like, but of course,right.
So just know, there's a timeand a place and you might just
not be ready for some of them.
But so the word the first one isadoration.
And you might be like ew, Idon't want to adore my partner.
And if you have that reactionit's totally fine.
Maybe you're not ready for thisone, or you might not want this
(22:24):
one.
That's totally cool.
To each their own right.
But if you're like listen, I'llbe curious, I'll bite, give me
more, mom, what is this oneabout?
And that is to cherish, to putyour partner in a place of like
wow, my partner is so awesome,this human that I chose to be my
(22:47):
partner is awesome.
That gets so lost in translationwhen we are in a long-term
relationship with somebody.
I hear this so much in thecouples that we work with that
you know, when people are havinga little bit of a struggle,
it's very hard to adore theirpartner.
(23:08):
So it's okay if you're like,not excited about this word.
It's okay if you're like, notexcited about this word, but
just know that it has to do withreally appreciating the
beautifulness of the human thatyou partnered with, looking at
them as this human and all ofthe brain to this human
experience.
Not be partner, however they'reshowing up in your relationship
(23:32):
currently.
You see this very, very.
There's a good distinctionthere to help with that.
So the next one might be evenworse than adoration, and this
one is devotion.
So you're gonna be like what?
So hopefully I'm making that upand you're not having any
strong reactions, but I'mtalking to those of you who are
(23:53):
having a strong reaction.
So the next one is devotion, anddevotion has to do with really
being committed at the deepestlevel, right, and at the end of
the day, when I translate thesewords, they're actually not that
yucky if you're struggling,right, if you think about them.
But devotion has to do withlike, yeah, but of course this
(24:16):
is my partner, right, and we'llfigure it out, we'll make it
work, we'll do no matter what.
That level of commitment ishard to come by and I really
commend the couples that come tosee us who are invested in
working through whatever istroubling them at the moment and
, however they fell off theirpath, whatever struggles they
(24:38):
are having, for the courage tobe vulnerable, to shake up
things, to go to these places,to take the risks Like man.
My hat is off to you guys.
And you all get gold stars fordoing the work Just gorgeous to
you guys.
And you all get gold stars fordoing the work Just gorgeous.
So devotion again is a deeperlevel of commitment that has to
(24:59):
do with yeah, I am stretching tosee all the good.
I'm going to get out of my wayso I can see all the good.
That's the key people.
I am going to really be in aplace where I could see my
partner.
I'm going to try to be in aplace where I could see my
(25:21):
partner.
I'm going to do the best that Ican to be in a place where I
could really see my partner andcommit to this thing to honor
the commitment that we made, tomake it work Right.
And when you go at it from thatlevel, you make it work, I
promise, okay.
So for those of you who mightknow a little bit of my story,
(25:41):
there was a period in ourrelationship where some of the
stuff came to be questioned andI was like nope, I am committed
to making this work and I didall of the things to making this
work and I did all of thethings.
And I say that in a way so thatit gives people hope.
It's not to shame people whodon't put in the work or people
(26:02):
who put in the work and theydon't want to put in the work
anymore or anything like that.
Like that's fine, we're on ajourney, we have all our own
things, but what I'm offering isthat if you're full in, you
figure out what you need to dodifferent.
So it's not about like I didall the things, so now I'm done.
All right, be careful with that, because it's not about doing
(26:24):
all the things.
It's like hmm, how do I need tobe different so that something
different can happen?
It's not like doing all thesethings so that check, check,
check and it didn't work right.
So we have to be careful withthis.
Sometimes our ego gets in theway, but really humbly showing
up to like, wow, how do I reallydo this so that it could work?
(26:44):
Guys, that's likereconstructing ourselves.
And this is coming from arelationship therapist, right,
woo.
So just beautiful work and it'sso possible for those who want
to go to those places.
It's just a fun journey ifthat's part of your journey.
Some people have other thingsto do and that's okay.
(27:07):
Okay, so that was seven.
Eight now they start gettingbetter and funner.
Those were kind of intense.
The next one is eight and it'saffection.
So it's pretty self-explanatory, and even though actually I
should say that, even thoughit's pretty self-explanatory,
affection sometimes needs tomeet our partner's preference.
(27:35):
Right, we could be affectionatein a way that our partner might
not like, and vice versa.
And so how do we do affectionin a way that serves us both,
that it touches our partner,that it's easy for us to do,
that replenishes and works forus, that it just is really good
for both of us?
So that could be tricky in andof itself, right.
(27:56):
So these things could getcomplex if we allow them to, but
just bringing mindfulness toall these things, that's the key
.
Number nine is connection, andconnection is about how do we
stay in the know, how do we stayin the know, how do we stay
bonded, how do we stay in aplace where we feel our partner,
(28:21):
even if they're not here.
They could be across the globe,on the moon, but we still feel
the connection.
That's tricky to do.
Sometimes People could be inthe same room and they feel
disconnected as you probablyvery well know.
Tricky to do.
Sometimes people could be inthe same room and they feel
disconnected, as you probablyvery well know.
And so how do we create thatconnection?
How do we sustain it?
(28:42):
Because sometimes we feelconnected and then the next day
we feel disconnected.
And then we feel connected andthen we feel disconnected and
it's torture.
But so how do we createsomething that's sustainable,
that feels good all the time,without too much effort, right?
So how do we create somethingthat's sustainable, that feels
good all the time, without toomuch effort, right?
So how do we create somethingthat we automate creating
connection?
We use connection habits forthis, right?
(29:03):
So what do we need to put inplace so that we easily create
connection ongoingly?
And then that helps us sustainit?
And then our job is to justfocus on deepening it.
How do we make it more special,more meaningful, deeper, more
rich, and that's fun.
(29:24):
So then we bring that level toit and the connection habits
help with that, because thenthere is different habits that
you put at different times ofthe day, different times of the
week that just allow fordeepening and for being with
each other more and morespecifically and just better.
And then the next one is 10, andthat's intimacy.
(29:48):
And now intimacy could beemotional intimacy, but in this
particular context I'm referringto in terms of physical
intimacy, where you actuallyhave more physical moments, more
sexy time and enjoy each other.
And it's not, like I saidbefore when I was talking about
the characteristics that don'tfeel so good, that it might feel
(30:10):
mechanical or superficial, butyou have that level of intimacy
where it's really pleasurablefor each, where you're both
really generous, where you takeyour time, where, even if you
have a quickie, it feels reallymeaningful, where you just take
things to no heights.
And that leads me to the nextone, which is passion.
(30:33):
You could just really add moreand more wood to that fire.
It doesn't have to fizzle, itdoesn't have to be a little tiny
flame, right, so you could fanit and then it could be bigger
and bigger and bigger and bereally, really steamy.
Okay, my loves.
So those are the 11.
What I want to offer around thisis that we don't have to make
(30:54):
it complicated.
We don't have to make itcomplicated, we don't have to
make it challenging, we don'thave to struggle, we don't have
to beat ourselves up, we don'thave to shame ourselves, we
don't have to beat our partnerup or shame them or blame it on
our partner and all the funnythings that we might do when we
have a little bit of a strugglein our relationship or when
we're going through like alittle dip which is very common
(31:16):
but instead is to be curious, tobe interested, to be committed
and to say, okay, we're in alittle bit of a slump or we're
going through a phase, or we'repretty good, but hey, why not go
for even better, right?
So whatever state you're in,all of it is fabulous, it's part
of your journey.
Even better, right?
So whatever state you're in,all of it is fabulous, it's part
(31:36):
of your journey.
So, to look at all of thisstuff from that perspective,
it's all for you, it's allchosen, you're creating this,
you're co-creating it, and yourjob is to do your side and to
elevate you.
What you contribute, what youput in, what you invest, can you
imagine showing up with allthese characteristics?
As you're showing up with them,like if you're flirting,
(31:58):
there's no way that your partnercan like be like, hmm, what's
going on Right?
And so at first they might belike, ew, or they might have a
weird reaction or they might belike, ignore it, like what's
going on Right.
But I mean that's when couplesare really struggling, like, if
you're like not in a diresituation, most likely your
(32:20):
partner will be like, oh, what'sgoing on.
And so when you start showingup differently with some of
these things, and the more thatyou use them and the more that
you use more of them, you willhave an impact on your
relationship.
You just cannot have one.
You put in the work, you willget the results.
And do your side.
Play with these things, show upwith this, make it a little
(32:40):
challenge for yourself.
How do I step it up?
You know, see what happens.
Play, and I would love to hearin the comments which one of
these really resonated for you,which one you're like so
interested in and that you'regoing to play with.
And if you feel courageous andcomfortable, share, like what
happened, how your partnerresponded to any of your
(33:02):
attempts or your newcharacteristics that you're
playing with.
That would be so fun to hear.
All right, so the key is to playwith these, to be light about
them, to have fun with them, tosprinkle them in, to just be
lighthearted and just investwith these things and make them
(33:24):
a practice of some sort.
What do you need to put inplace so you've remembered to
play with these things, right?
Do you need to set reminders onyour phone, use a reminders app
, use a reminder for each one ofthese, put an alarm like show
up with this thing.
Or a little sticky note on yourcomputer or whatever different
(33:45):
rubber band colors on your wristto remember, be lighthearted
about it and just play andpractice.
The more that you practicethese things, the more you
activate and the more that youcultivate and the more that you
expand these things and the morethat you will feel the love,
partnership.
(34:06):
That's the key.
And then the third piece ofthat is to pledge to this
commitment, to this investment,to this up-leveling right.
So we're going to play withpeace today.
Usually you play with words,with C.
I don't know why I have thatattraction.
If anybody knows why Cs areattractive, let me know in the
(34:27):
comments.
I'm curious.
But today peace came to be andso we're going to play, we're
going to practice, we're goingto pledge Okie dokie.
So one more thing I want toshare some resources that you
can find in all of our freecontent to support some of these
things.
So the things that came to mindas I was chatting and sharing
(34:48):
with you had to do.
One of them was the connectionhabits.
So if you go to my blog,metrorelationshipcom forward
slash blog, and put in thesearch box connection habits,
you will get a few blog poststhat teach you how to create
habits, what kind of connectionshabits there are and all kinds
(35:08):
of goodies.
So you can play with that.
Go to the resources tab on ourwebsite, metrorelationshipcom
forward slash resources.
I don't know if it says freeresources or just resources, but
just take a look and go toFebruary.
There's a whole video arounddating your partner, investing
in the relationship, nurturingthe relationship, all kinds of
goodies.
That I did a couple of yearsago for Valentine's day and I
(35:29):
run the, the the love theme forthe month and there's a
downloadable there that helpsyou how to date your partner.
So you're welcome to that sothat you could step up the
romantical side of things andthe playfulness and the fun and
the adventure and all the goodthings.
That's the easiest way toinvest in this stuff as well.
Check out the YouTube.
(35:50):
There's a few playlists aroundnurturing enrichment connection
and those might be helpful.
I'll see what feels right in myair specific links, but feel
free to go dig around in thoseplaces for those.
Okay, I think that's it fortoday.
My loves, thank you so much forwatching, for listening, for
being here with me, sharing time, being open to the concept of
(36:13):
creating a love partnership.
That usually gets lost in ourlife and is such a waste of an
opportunity to have an amazing,grand life experience and
amazing relationship with ourpartner.
Let's create the epic loveaffair with our partner that we
desire deep down inside, totallypossible.
(36:33):
Let's do it.
Thank you so much.
I'll see you at the next one.
Bye.
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