January 29, 2025 • 48 mins
In today’s episode, Emma shares elements that Successful Couples do automatically in their relationship to create their Successful Relationship. This doesn’t mean they don’t invest in their relationship, on the contrary it means that they do! To create a Successful Relationship there are 5 Key Elements we have to invest in to transform our relationship from ordinary to extraordinary. These are the core Elements of the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Emma explains these elements, how couples usually show up to them that undermines their success and connection, and how to start investing in them to create your transformation. And, BONUS, she also shared 4 Virtues for each that make it easier to invest in each of the elements when these are cultivated... Focusing on investing in your relationship is what we call embracing a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.
Play with what’s on offer here and watch your transformation begin!
Hope you enjoy it!
*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, other resources AND to get our FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited to be here withyou today.
I am flying solo again and I amdoing that to help you get
started the year right with justpacked information for me to
cook you up for a new beginning.
And, as we're finishing upJanuary and we are turning
towards the month of love, Iwant to focus today on offering
(00:22):
you all kinds of thingsregarding creating a
transformation in yourrelationship.
So first I'm going to give youa brief background as to where
what I'm talking about comesfrom.
Then I'm going to share withyou our successful relationship
strategy, how that gets couplesfrom one place to the next.
(00:44):
But I'm going to show you firstthose are five aspects of the
relationship, and I'm going toshow you how couples that are
struggling actually are doingtheir own things in those five
areas.
So then I'm going to show youhow to apply it differently to
your relationship if you'restruggling.
A quick takeaway that you canstart using immediately,
differently to your relationshipif you're struggling.
A quick takeaway that you couldstart using immediately.
(01:04):
But also, I'm going to hook youup with four virtues for each
of the five elements that youcould cultivate so that you
could start creating atransformation in your
relationship with ease.
Ease and just focusing on thosethings will start automatically
creating that shift.
Okay, so the key here is thatsuccessful relationships do
(01:24):
these five elementsautomatically right.
It's part of inherentlynaturally comes to them to do
these things in theirrelationship Couples that
struggle not so much.
And so, over working with manycouples over close to 30 years
now, I've come to see patterns,things that couples deal with,
and in addressing those things,these five elements came to be
(01:48):
these five areas ofrelationships.
So we're calling that theapproach here, the successful
relationship strategy.
These are the five elements ofthat strategy that came from
seeing those patterns andworking with those patterns.
Now the work itself I'm callingthe Transcendental Relationship
Therapy and it includes theSuccessful Relationship Strategy
(02:10):
.
So I'm gonna walk you nowthrough what that strategy is
and I'm gonna start giving youthe things that you need to
start creating a transformation.
And if you're doing fabulousalready and you just started
listening to this to enhance andenrich your relationship,
amazing, just take whateveryou're doing to the next level.
Take what I'm saying to thenext level.
Okay, so I'm going to try togive it to you in a way that you
(02:30):
can easily translate to do theadvanced version of this for
yourself.
Okay, so the first element isthe circumstance and mindset
element.
Now, up until recently I usedto call this a context and
mindset, but context is a littleabstract and so I'm renaming it
into circumstance.
I think it makes more sense.
(02:51):
But so what this one has to dowith is kind of what are you
bringing to your situation?
What is your mindset, what areyour boundaries, what is your
accountability?
How do you look at things?
How do you own yourself?
How are you approaching therelationship?
What are you bringing to therelationship that either
supports it or you sabotage,right?
(03:14):
So all of the things that youbring.
Now, particularly with this one,what we want to do is have a
relationship enrichment mindset,which means that we want to
look at the relationship as thevehicle for our transformation,
for our life experience.
Our partner is our partner witha capital P, like I like to say
.
You might have heard me saythis before Now.
(03:36):
What that means is that wechose our partner to have this
life experience with, like.
If we look at this from ahigher perspective, we're
choosing this person as theperson to do our life journey
with, like.
If we look at this from ahigher perspective, we're
choosing this person as theperson to do our life journey
with.
That's a pretty significantposition that this person holds
in our life, and so our job isto treat them with such respect
(03:58):
and honor, and we usually don'tand vice versa, obviously.
And so part of this element isto reposition our partner in our
relationship to that place ofpriority, of importance.
So our partner is our playmate,our relationship is our
playground for us to experiment,play, practice, do all of the
(04:19):
things to evolve and experienceour grand life, experience the
grand adventure.
So when we reposition ourrelationship, marriage and our
partner from that perspective,from that angle, it's a very
different way of showing up tothose interactions and for us to
look at the whole context ofour relationship and all of our
(04:41):
circumstances.
So what we want to do is lookat our partner as an ally, not
as our enemy.
So it's not me versus you whogets more, who does more, who
does less and all these thingsthat people do, but rather, ooh,
together we make a greaterwhole.
The whole is greater than theparts.
That's what we're shooting for.
We're shooting for that oneness, right?
(05:02):
So having that mentality, thatmindset, shift to this
up-leveled way of looking atthings takes you a whole
different direction thanthinking which the partners of
struggle think.
Well, I do more than my partner.
How come they want to have todo the things I do more?
My partner doesn't show up.
My partner this.
My partner that Blame, blame,blame, complain, complain,
(05:24):
complain, as opposed to seeingwhat's my place in this?
What am I doing?
How am I showing up?
How am I co-creating this?
How am I inviting this?
What can I do different?
How can I contribute?
How can I own my part in thisand create a shift from my part?
If I shift my part, my partnerhas to shift in relationship to
how I'm different.
That's how we create change,right.
(05:46):
So there's a lot of differentthings here that we can own and
step up so that we can startcreating a transformation.
Now the relationship strategystarts with this.
The successful relationshipstrategy starts with this,
because if we have a differentfilter, a different mindset, a
different way of looking atthings, then everything else
flows from there Ourcommunication, how we interact,
(06:07):
how we try to have fun andconnect, how we collaborate
right, which are the otherelements which I'm going to show
you in a second.
And so we have to clean up andstep up this mindset piece.
Okay, so that's number one, andthe main thing that I want you
to take away from here is foryou to own what you bring to the
(06:28):
interactions.
Now, don't make yourself asaint, don't make yourself to be
the perfect person, because ifyour relationship is struggling,
you are contributing to that.
Your job is to figure out whatyou are doing.
Sorry, don't shoot themessenger and start changing
that.
I promise you that once youstart changing yourself, the
relationship starts changing aswell.
You can't say the same if apart of it changed.
(06:48):
By definition.
If a part changed, the wholething is already different.
Okay, and that will invitechange from your partner, I
promise.
Now, the other thing with thisis that, aside from that
ownership, it's to setboundaries.
So we want to set effectiveboundaries, and that means that
the boundaries are set from theperspective of what I do, what
(07:10):
I'm willing to put up with, whatI'm no longer willing to put up
with, rather than putting aboundary on you.
So we can't tell people what todo, but we have control over
what we do.
We can tell ourselves what todo.
So, if my partner does such andsuch.
This is what I'm going to do,as opposed to telling my partner
don't do this or don't do that,you see, and so our partner
will learn not to do the thingif this is what they're going to
(07:31):
get in turn, and so that's howthis works.
And this works in all othercontexts as well, not just in
our relationship.
Okay, now, what I want to showyou with this is that if you
don't show up as being criticaland shaming and complaining
about your partner, but ratheryou step up your game and you
start shifting, that ownershipand that boundary setting from
(07:53):
that perspective will startcreating shifts immediately.
So this is something and ofcourse, we go into circles and
ownership and boundaries, likeall kinds of different things in
our first session with clients,but as soon as this gets
implemented, like things happenvery quickly, because from here
the whole thing is already likerepositioned right, there was a
(08:13):
different approach and adifferent way of flowing.
That starts creating thattransformation.
So start with this Now if youwant to take it a deeper level.
These are the four virtues thatI want you to cultivate and to
play with.
So number one is commitment.
So if we are going to have thisgrand life experience and we
already make this choice of thispartner.
Let's commit to thisrelationship and to this partner
(08:36):
Full stop.
Okay, no hedging, not this,only this.
If that and the other thingFull on, full in, you close all
the Xs.
When you do that, all of theenergy is in one place and that
level of commitment, like we'regoing to make this work, helps
(08:56):
you make it work.
If you're a half in, half outand you're just waiting for your
partner, they're waiting foryou, nothing happens, I promise.
Waiting for your partner,they're waiting for you, nothing
happens, I promise.
So, full commitment, full in,be loyal, dedicated to a full
(09:17):
journey, experience that, in andof itself, just shifts things
and things that are showing upand playing out differently,
because just that commitmentjust makes you show up
differently right off the top.
That's virtual.
Number one practicing thatcommitment in everything that
you think, say, do, show up andall the things.
Number two is confidence.
Actually believe that this ispossible, believe in yourself,
believe in the relationship,have that level of faith.
(09:38):
The next one is conviction, andthis means staying true to your
values and your principles.
Integrity, your word, thosethings matter.
That is your biggest currency,your energy and your word, how
people could count on you andtrust in you, and so nurture
(10:01):
that, cultivate that and be trueto your values.
We actually have a downloadable.
I'm going to put all the linksfor all the things that I'm
going to offer today in thedescription and in the show
notes and all other places inthe captions and stuff so that
you could access anything thatresonates for you that you think
you need to help you withwhatever I'm saying, so you
(10:23):
could identify your values andstaying true to those values and
aligning things along thosevalues and creating shared
values.
All these things are superimportant to help you align and
reduce friction and conflict andnoise and hurt and pain and all
the things that might come fromfocusing on their own things
and going about things their ownway.
(10:43):
So this conviction is stayingtrue to that thing that's really
inside of you.
And the next one is contentment.
These are all within elementone still Contentment.
Cultivating contentment meansthat you appreciate your partner
in the relationship, that, eventhough there's always room for
(11:04):
growth, always room forevolution, always room for doing
things better, for tweaking,for polishing, for up-leveling,
upgrading all the things, thatat the bottom line there's an
appreciation there, a truereverence for who your partner
is, for them being your partnerwith a capital P in your journey
and for the vehicle that isyour relationship.
(11:25):
That the opportunities thatyour relationship provides you
to expand yourself in this humanexperience Isn't that beautiful
.
You might want to rewind ifthat was a mouthful and you're
like, oh boy, I want to playwith those things.
By all means, go back and justtake some notes and see how you
could apply these things foryourself and start creating that
(11:46):
shift immediately.
Okay, element two.
Element two is communicationand alignment.
So this has to do with all waysof communicating, and it ranges
from the body language for howyou show up, how you are tuned
to the things that you hear, tohow the things that you say, how
you say them all of thedifferent ways, and specifically
how you are tuned to the thingsthat you hear, to the things
(12:07):
that you say, how you say themall of the different ways, and
specifically how you set upconversations so that they're
productive.
Okay, so of course, this isonly one episode of a podcast.
There's a gazillion movingpieces to each of these things
that I'm offering.
I'm giving you a highlight nowso that you can start creating
changes immediately.
But just know that there's alot more to each one of these
(12:27):
and that you could always digdeeper into them within our
content or, if you want to workprivately, if you need support
Now, in our free content.
Again, I'm going to put linksin the description and in other
places so that you could dig indeeper.
For the communication one, theconversation piece for us to
(12:48):
have productive conversations,we need to set them up properly
to begin with.
So one way to do that this isthe takeaway is to ask for a
conversation.
So you're not going to do whatpeople who are not successful in
a relationship or who arestruggling do, which is they
walk by their partner and theydump information, or they
address things that bothers them, or they complain about
(13:09):
something, or they make arequest and they assume that
their partner heard it and thatthey're going to be able to act
on it, or that they agreed to it, or that they understood it.
Meanwhile, a lot of the time,the other person is not
registering it.
Meanwhile, a lot of the time,the other person is not
registering it.
So this is for, like, everydaythings, but also for bigger
things, and what a sure way ofmaking sure that we are not in
(13:33):
alignment, not on the same page,and that we create problems and
conflicts.
So what we want to do is makesure that our partners are
available, that they could takeus in or that they could hear us
.
So, for example, you would saysomething like hey, honey, I
want to run something by you.
Okay, you have a minute.
I just want to share somethingthat happened today.
Or I need to pick your brainabout something.
(13:54):
So make sure that you havetheir attention.
And they could be like okay,hang on one minute, let me
finish writing this email, letme finish this thing that I'm
doing.
Or like, give me five minutes.
I need to go to the bathroomfirst, whatever right.
Or they could be like yes, I'mavailable and sure, what is it?
But we have to have that youknow.
Yes, we're talking, we're bothpresent for this conversation.
(14:15):
We're both present to exchangeinformation or to receive
information.
Both.
That's super important.
That's number one.
And then two, we want to makesure that we share how we need
to be heard.
Are we just sharing somethingfor kicks?
Do we want somebody, the otherperson's input?
Do we want a shoulder to leanon?
Do we want to reach a place ofan agreement to make a decision
(14:39):
about something Right.
So we have to give our partnera heads up as to how to listen
to us so that they could lookfor the right information and
respond to us in a way thatserves that conversation, that
exchange, and that our needs getmet so they don't get flooded,
they don't get lost, they don'tget whatever and we get what we
want out of that conversation.
(15:00):
Now, this is especially truefor women when I'm offering,
because we tend to talk incircles, we tend to express a
lot of detail, be veryexpressive, and we tend to lose
our male counterparts if we'rein a heterosexual relationship
or more masculine brain partner.
So we want to make sure that wetell them how to listen to us
(15:23):
and so that we can have aproductive conversation and this
is true for both partners, butdefinitely for the way that the
women communicate, so that theyor the more feminine brain
communicates, so that the otherpartner could take us in and
actually meet us where we needthem to meet us at.
Now.
Those two things are superimportant right off the bat.
You have some skills there andthat's just for regular
conversation.
(15:43):
That's not for when you'retriggered or when you need to
address something more heavyduty.
That's like a little bit beyondtoday, but for now that's good
enough.
Just don't make thoseassumptions that your partner is
hearing you or sticking you inor is receiving the information,
unless you have confirmationand you check in that you're on
the same page.
Okay, now with this one, what Iwant to offer is the four
(16:08):
virtues, for this one areclarity, and that means to
communicate clearly, openly,honestly, thoroughly, without
overdoing it.
So there's clarity in whatyou're saying, the message that
you're sending and it could bereceived.
So you have to be a responsiblesender so that the other person
can receive you.
(16:29):
If you're talking giverish, theother person's going to receive
giverish, and then you can'tget upset that you're not being
understood, just saying Okay.
The next one is civility.
So this is interesting becausepartners usually think that it's
okay to treat their partner assomebody who will just take
(16:49):
anything right.
Because we're married alreadyor in a long-term relationship,
we think that it's okay for ourpartner to receive the worst
parts of us and for us to treatthem like crap when we have an
crappy day.
That's just not true and justnot so and not fair.
For those of you who arethinking well, that's what
marriage is.
I should be able to put up withstuff.
I don't have to be.
Why do I have to be perfect?
Why can't I make mistakes?
(17:10):
Nobody is perfect.
Like I will have a bad day,yeah, fair.
But that doesn't mean that youcan't moderate yourself to some
place, to some, in some form, sothat you're not a complete jerk
to your partner because you'rehaving a bad day.
It doesn't give you a licenseto be a jerk.
(17:30):
You might have a hard timeregulating yourself or being
pleasant, but doesn't mean thatyou have to still not be
cautious, or intentional, orcareful.
To some extent that could meaneven things like or careful.
To some extent that could meaneven things like hey, honey, I'm
having a bad day, you know,like I can't even stand myself.
So stay clear, just a heads up,just bring in some
(17:52):
intentionality, right?
So it doesn't mean that wecould just go off the hinges
because we're not in a goodplace, right?
We don't want that from ourpartner to do to us either.
We're here to support eachother in the good, the bad and
the ugly Within moderation.
It doesn't mean that all glovesare off because of that belief.
So that's stability, right.
(18:14):
Treat each other with respectand kindness and consideration.
The third one is carefulness.
And carefulness, I mean, soundsa little funky, right, but that
comes from a place of justbeing thoughtful with your words
and with your actions.
And how do you show up to beingintentional?
In a way, and I don't know ifyou noticed it, but all of these
(18:36):
words start with a C.
I just had fun creating a Clist with all of these virtues,
so that one just came up toshare with you.
And the last one for element twois courage.
And so what we want to do withthis one is embrace
vulnerability and the ability totackle tough conversations, and
the ability to tackle toughconversations in a way that
(18:58):
we're showing up authentically,that we're opening up, that
we're vulnerable, that we'reavailable, that we take a risk
If there's something that wedon't like or something that we
prefer differently, that we'reable to speak up.
And speaking up and standing upfor ourselves doesn't mean that
we cancel our partner in theprocess.
It means that we create spacefor both of us to be heard,
(19:19):
right, but just stretching inthis department.
So those are the four virtuesfor element two.
So again, let me repeat themfor you Clarity, civility,
carefulness and courage.
And for element one, just aquick recap.
They were commitment,confidence, conviction and
(19:40):
contentment.
All right, so we're going tomove on to element three.
Now for element three.
The name for this element isclarity and dynamics.
This one has to do with the loop, the patterns that we create in
our relationship.
Now, the less that we've doneto heal, grow, evolve, develop
(20:07):
ourselves, the more likely thatwe are to have programs, beliefs
and conditions and all kinds ofdifferent things playing out in
the backgrounds, subconsciouslyand unconsciously, to create
what drives us.
So we are parading fromprograms, we're parading
(20:28):
automatically, we're not beingintentional, we're not being
conscious in our interactions,and what happens is that in
interactions we might get moreeasily triggered and then, when
we get triggered, our automaticresponses come up, the usual
triggers, so things that are notresolved happen, and then we
react to those and respond tothose the same old way.
(20:50):
We trigger our partner'ssensitivities in places, and
then they have their ownreaction Also.
They haven't done their ownwork right, so they're more
triggerable also if they haven'tdone their own work and they
have their own automaticreactions as well, and the
flavor of their reactions willtrigger ours and then we respond
in kind and triggers theirs andwe create a perpetrating loop.
(21:13):
Boom, that's not what we want.
So that's how we create stackdynamics and patterns in our
relationship.
If you heard yourself say thingsover and over like we keep
going over and over these things, I keep repeating myself we
keep having the same experience,we keep making the same
mistakes.
You keep responding that way.
I already told you I don't likethat.
(21:33):
Whatever, whatever the flavoris in your relationship, the
repeating things that don't workis because of this right, so
they haven't resolved things orunhealed things.
You haven't resolved things orunhealed things.
You have mechanical or habitualresponses, patterns playing out
, and that stuff is having arelationship.
So it's not the authentic you,it's the core of you guys
(21:55):
interacting.
You have your junk having arelationship.
So it's not the authentic you,it's the core of you guys
interacting.
You're drunk having arelationship.
So the work here is to watchyour stuff, clean up your stuff,
up-level yourself, heal,deprogram, decondition, so you
can show up more authentically,right, and so you're not as
triggerable, you can have moregrace.
So that's what partners do?
(22:16):
They show up with all thatnoise and then they wonder how
come there's so much friction?
How come we're constantlybickering?
How come we have all thesefights?
How come I can't open my mouthand you automatically get mad?
How come we can't have aconversation that we get into a
disagreement and then a fightand then like a massive fight
and then we're thinking aboutbreaking up and we throw out the
baby with the bathwater.
We don't want any of that stuff.
So, owning our things, beingmindful not to trigger our
(22:40):
partner's things, and theninvesting in healing ourselves
and giving things to our partnerthat heals them right and to
help us each other, bringingthat intentionality to help each
other and ourselves decondition, reprogram, heal, reparent
ourselves.
I just gave you a mouthful, sothat's like a lot of stuff to do
there.
Don't be intimidated by that.
The main thing to do.
The takeaway is to beintentional and mindful, to
(23:04):
increase your awareness ofwhat's happening when you get
triggered.
So, as soon as you start gettingworked up, install a pause, if
you may, or call out a timeoutand be like I'm getting
triggered, I just need a moment.
So some of us could, in thatmoment, talk through what's
happening and that could be atransformative experience in the
moment.
But that is very hard to do so.
(23:27):
If you're a newbie at thisstuff, you could say pause, time
out, let me just think, let meregroup here, let's take a few
to regroup and come back.
And a few could mean whateverand come back.
And if you could mean whateverright up to 24 hours potentially
, like I need to just sit withthis and process and once you
have a handle on what gottriggered for you, what your
(23:47):
experience was, the assumptionsthat you made, the scripts that
came up and started runningrampant and all that kind of
stuff, and you could see yourpartner's side also.
This is the cue, the clue.
How do you know that?
You processed it and you'reregrouped and you're ready to
have a conversation, and thenyou realize that nobody's the
(24:08):
enemy and you both just werehaving a bad interaction and you
could have a betterconversation about that.
If you're thinking about it andyou're still like I want to
tell them oh, bah, bah, bah, bah.
Better conversation about that.
If you're thinking about it andyou're still like I want to
tell them oh, blah, blah, blah,blah, or they still didn't see
this or they didn't understandthe other and I still want to
show them this and like theydon't get it and this is what
they did.
If you're still thinking likethat, you're still having ways
(24:39):
to go to process that youhaven't fully regrouped for lack
of a better word and sosometimes you can regroup
together after, like things,calm down and you can help each
other see stuff, and that's whatwe do in therapy, right?
So the conversations help us dothat, or help partners do that,
I should say.
And so in those moments,processing back and forth the
experience, the partners get tosee what happened for them and
what happened for the other, andthey have a fuller
understanding.
And in that understandingthere's alignment, there's
(25:01):
healing, there's being seen andheard and validated and all the
yummy stuff.
And so that's part of thetakeaway Having that awareness,
taking a pause to regroup to see, okay, what's happening, and
then coming back and having aconversation as to that, right.
So then that's where the juicystuff happens and the growth and
(25:22):
transformation happens, andthen, of course, always being
mindful not to trigger yourpartner as best you can.
Sometimes they get triggeredjust because they get triggered,
and vice versa, we gettriggered just because a partner
doesn't necessarily do anythingwrong.
That's just the way of life.
So that's why we bring in theother piece of like, okay,
process it and then address ittogether and that's where the
healing and the beautiful stuffhappens.
Okay, that's again a wholebunch of stuff.
(25:46):
There's a lot more that meetsthe eyes there, but that's just
some quick takeaways for you tostart playing with this
particular element, particularelement, okay.
Now, the virtues for this oneare calmness, and this means
that, like I said before, withall the noise and the triggers
and this and that and the otherthing, like all the things show
(26:14):
up, calmness means that duringchallenging times, you could
still remain peaceful, you couldstill stay sane, you could
still take in what's happeningand you could address things
properly, that you don't allowyourself to get triggered to go
to that place.
Or even if you're triggered,you kind of remain even keel,
like you're able to just manageright.
So you regulate yourself.
Composure is the next one, andthis one has to do with staying
(26:37):
collected when you're inconflict.
So you're not going for a ride,you're not biting the hook,
you're not getting all up in theother person's grill, you are
staying collected even thoughthere's conflict going on, right
.
So these two sound similar.
The other one's like more of aglobal thing, like situations
(26:57):
are happening and you staypretty peaceful within yourself,
in your routine, in your day,in the moments.
The other one's more specificto an exchange in the immediate
moment, right.
So calmness is like the bigger,higher perspective, more global
experience.
Composure is more in the momentand doing that and interaction.
(27:21):
Then the third one is compassion, and this one has to do with
supporting each other withempathy and understanding, and
so when there are those momentsof intensity, of triggers,
emotionality and things likethat, to be able to respond with
compassion and with kindness,with understanding, with empathy
(27:43):
for our partner's experience.
A lot of times we might look atour partner and we just don't
get it.
Why did they get so worked upall of a sudden about something
that we did or somebody else did?
It's challenging to see whenwe're both worked up or when we
both get triggered.
Else did.
It's challenging to see whenwe're both worked up or when we
both get triggered, but usuallymost of the time one person gets
(28:04):
triggered.
First they kind of go a littleberserk and then in that
berserkness they trigger theother partner, right?
So then the whole thing gets alittle wacky.
But so while your partner'sbeing triggered and you haven't
gotten triggered yourself.
Yet perfect, that's when youbring in the compassion and this
empathy because potentially youwould help them shortchange
that circuit and then you don'tget grabbed into the whole crazy
(28:25):
moment.
And then the last one, with thiselement three.
The last virtue is consistency,and this one has to do with how
do we show up with love andcare regularly so that we build
trust right?
Part of people feelingneglected and abandoned and
getting triggered in thoseplaces is because there is
(28:48):
inconsistency in how we relateand how we show up and how we
keep our word, our commitmentsand what we do.
We keep our word, ourcommitments and what we do, and
so that's the shortest way toundermine our trust and our
commitment in our relationship,the status of our relationship,
and so this consistency piece isvery important, especially for
(29:09):
partners who have those kinds ofwounds.
Okay, so these four virtues forelement three are, again, are
calmness, composure.
For element three are, again,are calmness, composure,
compassion and consistency.
Okay, we're moving on toelement four.
(29:30):
Element four is connection andintimacy.
Now, this is one of my favorites.
I mean, I love them all.
They all have their ownawesomeness and, again, we don't
have much time together so Ican't flesh out all of these
elements to all the degree thatI would love to and give you all
the nuances for each one ofthese and tell you what I love
about each one.
But just know that there'sreally yumminess in all of these
(29:51):
places, and for this one it'sbringing a lot today just
because of us.
We are gearing up forValentine's day, so I want to
say a little bit more about whythis one is special to me, or
why I love this one so much, andthat is because this is where
we get to build connection, andif you know anything about my
content and our approach, one ofthe tenets of what we do is
(30:15):
that, or the beliefs that webuild on, is that through
connection, we could pretty muchtake care of what we do.
Is that, or the beliefs that webuild on, is that, through
connection, we could pretty muchtake care of anything and do
anything.
And so, of course, this onethat is like really special for
me or to me, and the key withthis one, obviously, then, is to
build connection.
So create connection, maintainconnection and deepen connection
(30:36):
.
Maintain connection and deepenconnection.
That's the goal with this one.
So if the relationship isrequiring more safety and and
there's conflict and there'strust issues and there are funky
things in the relationship.
Then we need to work on theemotional connection side of
things.
Once that piece is moreestablished, then we let our
hair down and we could work moreon the physical passion side of
(31:00):
things.
So there's like that spectrumthere.
Of course we could do both atthe same time.
Of course we could focus onpassion if we want to, but just
know that those are harderthings to do if there's no
emotional safety first.
Okay, so this is kind of like aquick little mindset piece
around that.
So you understand maybe whereyou need to focus more on If
(31:21):
you're having a blast sex life,know that some of the things
might need to happen firstbefore you start tackling that
intimacy piece, that physicalintimacy piece, anyway.
So what partners usually do hereis completely shut down.
They lead parallel lives, theyavoid each other.
They just don't know how toenjoy each other.
(31:42):
They neglect the relationship,they don't invest in the
relationship, they don't havefun together.
They don't know how to have funtogether.
They can't have intimateconversations, right.
So I'm sure that you can relateto a lot of these if you're
struggling in your relationship.
And so what we want to do hereis prioritize the relationship.
What happens a lot is that lifegets in the way.
Things get busy, we might havethe children, the children
(32:06):
become a priority and the wholeromantic side of a relationship
goes out the window.
We become the partners in thebusiness of life.
We become the husband and thewife I'm sorry, we become the
father and the mother if we'reheterosexual or whatever the
combination is if you're not.
And it becomes about that,right, the doing of life, the
raising of the children, themaking the life.
(32:26):
But the connection between thepartners get lost, right, the
juice of the couple gets lost.
There's no more couple, there'sno more romantical partnership.
It's only the business of life,the marriage part, and this is
where most couples go wrong,right?
So losing sight of thespecialness, the intimacy, the
(32:49):
connection that's inherent tobeing a romantic couple.
And so that's where theprioritizing the relationship
comes first.
Now people say things like thechildren are important, the
children are a priority, andthings like that For sure, right
, who's going to take care ofthe children if it's not for the
parents?
A hundred percent.
But they can't be at theexpense of the couple.
(33:11):
This is a mistake that thepartners make.
You still need to prioritizethe couple, and it doesn't mean
that you give the couple all ofthe time.
It means that at any moment intime you assess what is the
priority and how you protect thebond and the couple from the
onslaught of everyday life andparenting.
(33:31):
Okay, and so, whatever you needto do to make some time,
quality time, for you and yourpartner to nurture that part of
your relationship Huge.
Now for this one, we have aprotocol.
It's the Date, your Partnerprotocol, that you could also
download from our website.
It's free and, like I saidbefore, I'm going to put all
(33:52):
kinds of resources At the end ofthis.
I'm going to tell you all thethings that I'm going to put for
free in the description so thatyou could help yourself with
whatever element or something isfor you the most that you need
to do, the most work onwell-being, pretty
self-explanatory Charity, beinggenerous with how you show
affection, how available you arewith your time, with your
(34:29):
presence, with gifts, whateveris important for you guys in a
way that touches your partner.
The next one is cheerfulness,and this one is about bringing
positivity and joy to therelationship.
Right, there's nothing worsethan a partner who's constantly
whining or complaining aboutsomething, or who is just
(34:50):
picking at everything and likenothing, nothing makes them
happy and that's just boring,right, and that's just.
I'm thinking of the worst wordsI'm catching myself here.
But that's just like a downer,right, it's every downer.
We don't want that.
And so just how do we bringthat positivity?
(35:10):
How do we up-level our gamewith that?
And the last one for elementfour is creativity, and this one
has to do with how to keep thespark alive, having fresh
experiences, fresh ideas forthings to do together, to
experience, to check out, toexplore, and all of the things.
How do you create theadventures?
(35:32):
How do you create moments tolearn each other even more and
more deeply?
Okay, so the four quick recap.
The four for element four arecaring, charity, cheerfulness
and creativity.
Okay, so I'm going a littlelong, so I'm just gonna.
I'm trying to speed up here alittle bit, just bear with me.
(35:55):
Element five is collaborationand partnership.
So this one is fun just becausethis is where the practical
stuff comes in, and some peoplereally struggle with putting
things in place and beingpractical, and some of us are
just nerdy with this stuff, andjust that's why we love it.
So this is where that stuffhappens.
(36:17):
And for this one people who arestruggling in their
relationship they just don'thave good systems for
co-creating with their partner,for creating a partnership,
right.
Everything is off the cuff,flying by the seat of their
pants, winging everything.
There's no plan, there is nosystem, there is no structure,
there's no routines, like justeverything's pretty chaotic.
And I'm saying there is none,there is none, but there might
(36:41):
be some.
It's just not enough to createease and flow and good working
machine out of the operations ofrunning your lives together.
So that's what this one isabout Mapping out the cadences
of when you do things, how doyou do them, and creating
systems for making them happen.
And we don't want to show uphaphazardly, we want to be able
(37:04):
to.
Okay, I leave off here.
My partner picks up here, right, like what is that system?
Like I'm supposed to reinventthe wheel every time something
comes up or every time I have toget something done.
That's just more work than it'snecessary.
Life is enough work, we don'tneed to make it worse and more
complicated.
Okay, so the four virtues forelement five are collaboration.
(37:26):
And some of these words areself-explanatory, right, but we
want to apply them to therelationship.
Collaboration is building ashared vision.
So this one has to have like ahigher perspective as to what
are we co-creating, what's myinput, what's your input, what
is the shared vision and how dowe go about making that happen.
(37:48):
Like a big picture perspectiveof like what kind of life do we
want to create?
What kind of lifestyle do wewant to live?
How do we go about making thathappen?
The next one is cooperation.
So this one is slightlydifferent in that this is more
down to earth as opposed to likethe higher perspective.
This one is more like how arewe a team, how do we tackle all
the tasks and create the things?
(38:09):
How do we achieve the goals?
Just like more foot to thepedal kind of thing, like more
in the moment, more practical.
The other one is more visionary.
This one is more of the doing.
Okay, and then that wascollaboration and cooperation
for element five.
And then the next one.
The next virtue is compromise,which has to do with finding a
(38:33):
balance of mutual solutions.
Now, when people hearcompromise compromise has kind
of, for some reason, a bad rapPeople think that, okay, I give
something up so that we couldmeet in the middle, right?
So I give something, you givesomething, and we find a middle,
a common ground in the middle.
Sure, that's one way of doingit, but I hate to look at this
(38:56):
as giving something up.
I think that a better way oflooking at compromise is how do
I bring my stuff in?
You bring your stuff in andthey melt together so we create
a common thing, as opposed to welose things.
We create a greater thing thatwe can do together that meets
both of our needs.
That's how I like to look atcompromise so there's no loss in
(39:17):
there.
So that's what we're lookingfor.
To look at compromise sothere's no lowest in there.
So that's what we're lookingfor.
And then the last one, thevirtue number four for this
element five is competence, andthis has to do with being
reliable and capable in meetingresponsibilities, and so you
want to bring your strengths andyour skills and capitalize on
those, and you will havedifferent strengths and
(39:38):
different skills and most likelythe opposite.
So it actually behooves you tobring your stuff to the table,
because you will create agreater whole, the parts will
create a greater whole.
So capitalize on each other'sstrengths to synergize, to move
things forward to pick upmomentum right.
So working together, creating asynergy that's fabulous, okay.
(40:03):
So quick recap for element five.
They are collaboration,cooperation, compromise and
competence okay, my love.
So a quick recap of all thethings this successful
relationship strategy came to befrom all of the work that I've
done with all of the couples forall of the time.
And it boils down to this four,five aspects of relationship,
(40:23):
these five critical elementsthat when you start investing in
them intentionally, you startcreating a transformation in
your relationship.
If you're struggling or takingit to the next level, if you're
doing okay and today I added tothe description of them a quick
kind of like where you might getstuck, like how you're doing it
wrong, and a quick takeaway soyou can start creating a
transformation.
(40:44):
And I added the bonus of fourvirtuals for each of the
elements so that you could digin and cultivate those
characteristics and takeeverything to the next level for
yourself.
Thank you so much for watchingand for listening up to this
point.
I hope all those things servedyou and, like I promised, I'm
going to list a few things I'mgoing to offer in the resources.
I'm going to put a list intoour YouTube playlist of the
(41:08):
elements, so you go deeper intoeach one of them.
Everything that I'm going tosay today is free.
I am going to put a link to 20Days Relationship Enrichment
Challenge.
It's going to be perfect forValentine's Day and the month of
love.
I'm going to put a link tovalues so that you could
identify your values and youcould align together and work
towards those shared values andcreating a shared vision.
(41:30):
I am going to put a link to theDate your Partner Protocol.
So, bam, you could create thatconnection and have fun with
your partner.
And two other things that Ididn't really mention, but why
not?
I think that will hook you upwith all these things.
One is sharing responsibilitieschecklist, so you could really
divide and conquer, and this isfor element five so really
(41:52):
create a good collaboration,sharing chores and
responsibilities.
People get hung up on that andfight all the time about that
stuff.
And the other one is settingeffective boundaries.
I did mention that, but thisPDF really goes into depth,
describing types of boundaries,how they show up and the meaning
and how to apply them.
(42:13):
So I think that that will befabulous and really helpful for
you.
Okay, so tons of resources.
Be sure you check them out.
I hope you enjoy them.
I would love to hear how youmake out with them.
If you have any questions, letus know in the comments which
element resonated the most foryou, which one you're going to
be playing with for Valentine'sday and how you're going to be
making things amazing, and Ilook forward to seeing you at
(42:33):
the next one.
Thank you for watching.
Bye.
Hello, lovelies, and welcome to another episode.
I am so excited to be here withyou today.
I am flying solo again and I amdoing that to help you get
started the year right with justpacked information for me to
cook you up for a new beginning.
And, as we're finishing upJanuary and we are turning
towards the month of love, Iwant to focus today on offering
(00:22):
you all kinds of thingsregarding creating a
transformation in yourrelationship.
So first I'm going to give youa brief background as to where
what I'm talking about comesfrom.
Then I'm going to share withyou our successful relationship
strategy, how that gets couplesfrom one place to the next.
(00:44):
But I'm going to show you firstthose are five aspects of the
relationship, and I'm going toshow you how couples that are
struggling actually are doingtheir own things in those five
areas.
So then I'm going to show youhow to apply it differently to
your relationship if you'restruggling.
A quick takeaway that you canstart using immediately,
differently to your relationshipif you're struggling.
A quick takeaway that you couldstart using immediately.
(01:04):
But also, I'm going to hook youup with four virtues for each
of the five elements that youcould cultivate so that you
could start creating atransformation in your
relationship with ease.
Ease and just focusing on thosethings will start automatically
creating that shift.
Okay, so the key here is thatsuccessful relationships do
(01:24):
these five elementsautomatically right.
It's part of inherentlynaturally comes to them to do
these things in theirrelationship Couples that
struggle not so much.
And so, over working with manycouples over close to 30 years
now, I've come to see patterns,things that couples deal with,
and in addressing those things,these five elements came to be
(01:48):
these five areas ofrelationships.
So we're calling that theapproach here, the successful
relationship strategy.
These are the five elements ofthat strategy that came from
seeing those patterns andworking with those patterns.
Now the work itself I'm callingthe Transcendental Relationship
Therapy and it includes theSuccessful Relationship Strategy
(02:10):
.
So I'm gonna walk you nowthrough what that strategy is
and I'm gonna start giving youthe things that you need to
start creating a transformation.
And if you're doing fabulousalready and you just started
listening to this to enhance andenrich your relationship,
amazing, just take whateveryou're doing to the next level.
Take what I'm saying to thenext level.
Okay, so I'm going to try togive it to you in a way that you
(02:30):
can easily translate to do theadvanced version of this for
yourself.
Okay, so the first element isthe circumstance and mindset
element.
Now, up until recently I usedto call this a context and
mindset, but context is a littleabstract and so I'm renaming it
into circumstance.
I think it makes more sense.
(02:51):
But so what this one has to dowith is kind of what are you
bringing to your situation?
What is your mindset, what areyour boundaries, what is your
accountability?
How do you look at things?
How do you own yourself?
How are you approaching therelationship?
What are you bringing to therelationship that either
supports it or you sabotage,right?
(03:14):
So all of the things that youbring.
Now, particularly with this one,what we want to do is have a
relationship enrichment mindset,which means that we want to
look at the relationship as thevehicle for our transformation,
for our life experience.
Our partner is our partner witha capital P, like I like to say
.
You might have heard me saythis before Now.
(03:36):
What that means is that wechose our partner to have this
life experience with, like.
If we look at this from ahigher perspective, we're
choosing this person as theperson to do our life journey
with, like.
If we look at this from ahigher perspective, we're
choosing this person as theperson to do our life journey
with.
That's a pretty significantposition that this person holds
in our life, and so our job isto treat them with such respect
(03:58):
and honor, and we usually don'tand vice versa, obviously.
And so part of this element isto reposition our partner in our
relationship to that place ofpriority, of importance.
So our partner is our playmate,our relationship is our
playground for us to experiment,play, practice, do all of the
(04:19):
things to evolve and experienceour grand life, experience the
grand adventure.
So when we reposition ourrelationship, marriage and our
partner from that perspective,from that angle, it's a very
different way of showing up tothose interactions and for us to
look at the whole context ofour relationship and all of our
(04:41):
circumstances.
So what we want to do is lookat our partner as an ally, not
as our enemy.
So it's not me versus you whogets more, who does more, who
does less and all these thingsthat people do, but rather, ooh,
together we make a greaterwhole.
The whole is greater than theparts.
That's what we're shooting for.
We're shooting for that oneness, right?
(05:02):
So having that mentality, thatmindset, shift to this
up-leveled way of looking atthings takes you a whole
different direction thanthinking which the partners of
struggle think.
Well, I do more than my partner.
How come they want to have todo the things I do more?
My partner doesn't show up.
My partner this.
My partner that Blame, blame,blame, complain, complain,
(05:24):
complain, as opposed to seeingwhat's my place in this?
What am I doing?
How am I showing up?
How am I co-creating this?
How am I inviting this?
What can I do different?
How can I contribute?
How can I own my part in thisand create a shift from my part?
If I shift my part, my partnerhas to shift in relationship to
how I'm different.
That's how we create change,right.
(05:46):
So there's a lot of differentthings here that we can own and
step up so that we can startcreating a transformation.
Now the relationship strategystarts with this.
The successful relationshipstrategy starts with this,
because if we have a differentfilter, a different mindset, a
different way of looking atthings, then everything else
flows from there Ourcommunication, how we interact,
(06:07):
how we try to have fun andconnect, how we collaborate
right, which are the otherelements which I'm going to show
you in a second.
And so we have to clean up andstep up this mindset piece.
Okay, so that's number one, andthe main thing that I want you
to take away from here is foryou to own what you bring to the
(06:28):
interactions.
Now, don't make yourself asaint, don't make yourself to be
the perfect person, because ifyour relationship is struggling,
you are contributing to that.
Your job is to figure out whatyou are doing.
Sorry, don't shoot themessenger and start changing
that.
I promise you that once youstart changing yourself, the
relationship starts changing aswell.
You can't say the same if apart of it changed.
(06:48):
By definition.
If a part changed, the wholething is already different.
Okay, and that will invitechange from your partner, I
promise.
Now, the other thing with thisis that, aside from that
ownership, it's to setboundaries.
So we want to set effectiveboundaries, and that means that
the boundaries are set from theperspective of what I do, what
(07:10):
I'm willing to put up with, whatI'm no longer willing to put up
with, rather than putting aboundary on you.
So we can't tell people what todo, but we have control over
what we do.
We can tell ourselves what todo.
So, if my partner does such andsuch.
This is what I'm going to do,as opposed to telling my partner
don't do this or don't do that,you see, and so our partner
will learn not to do the thingif this is what they're going to
(07:31):
get in turn, and so that's howthis works.
And this works in all othercontexts as well, not just in
our relationship.
Okay, now, what I want to showyou with this is that if you
don't show up as being criticaland shaming and complaining
about your partner, but ratheryou step up your game and you
start shifting, that ownershipand that boundary setting from
(07:53):
that perspective will startcreating shifts immediately.
So this is something and ofcourse, we go into circles and
ownership and boundaries, likeall kinds of different things in
our first session with clients,but as soon as this gets
implemented, like things happenvery quickly, because from here
the whole thing is already likerepositioned right, there was a
(08:13):
different approach and adifferent way of flowing.
That starts creating thattransformation.
So start with this Now if youwant to take it a deeper level.
These are the four virtues thatI want you to cultivate and to
play with.
So number one is commitment.
So if we are going to have thisgrand life experience and we
already make this choice of thispartner.
Let's commit to thisrelationship and to this partner
(08:36):
Full stop.
Okay, no hedging, not this,only this.
If that and the other thingFull on, full in, you close all
the Xs.
When you do that, all of theenergy is in one place and that
level of commitment, like we'regoing to make this work, helps
(08:56):
you make it work.
If you're a half in, half outand you're just waiting for your
partner, they're waiting foryou, nothing happens, I promise.
Waiting for your partner,they're waiting for you, nothing
happens, I promise.
So, full commitment, full in,be loyal, dedicated to a full
(09:17):
journey, experience that, in andof itself, just shifts things
and things that are showing upand playing out differently,
because just that commitmentjust makes you show up
differently right off the top.
That's virtual.
Number one practicing thatcommitment in everything that
you think, say, do, show up andall the things.
Number two is confidence.
Actually believe that this ispossible, believe in yourself,
believe in the relationship,have that level of faith.
(09:38):
The next one is conviction, andthis means staying true to your
values and your principles.
Integrity, your word, thosethings matter.
That is your biggest currency,your energy and your word, how
people could count on you andtrust in you, and so nurture
(10:01):
that, cultivate that and be trueto your values.
We actually have a downloadable.
I'm going to put all the linksfor all the things that I'm
going to offer today in thedescription and in the show
notes and all other places inthe captions and stuff so that
you could access anything thatresonates for you that you think
you need to help you withwhatever I'm saying, so you
(10:23):
could identify your values andstaying true to those values and
aligning things along thosevalues and creating shared
values.
All these things are superimportant to help you align and
reduce friction and conflict andnoise and hurt and pain and all
the things that might come fromfocusing on their own things
and going about things their ownway.
(10:43):
So this conviction is stayingtrue to that thing that's really
inside of you.
And the next one is contentment.
These are all within elementone still Contentment.
Cultivating contentment meansthat you appreciate your partner
in the relationship, that, eventhough there's always room for
(11:04):
growth, always room forevolution, always room for doing
things better, for tweaking,for polishing, for up-leveling,
upgrading all the things, thatat the bottom line there's an
appreciation there, a truereverence for who your partner
is, for them being your partnerwith a capital P in your journey
and for the vehicle that isyour relationship.
(11:25):
That the opportunities thatyour relationship provides you
to expand yourself in this humanexperience Isn't that beautiful
.
You might want to rewind ifthat was a mouthful and you're
like, oh boy, I want to playwith those things.
By all means, go back and justtake some notes and see how you
could apply these things foryourself and start creating that
(11:46):
shift immediately.
Okay, element two.
Element two is communicationand alignment.
So this has to do with all waysof communicating, and it ranges
from the body language for howyou show up, how you are tuned
to the things that you hear, tohow the things that you say, how
you say them all of thedifferent ways, and specifically
how you are tuned to the thingsthat you hear, to the things
(12:07):
that you say, how you say themall of the different ways, and
specifically how you set upconversations so that they're
productive.
Okay, so of course, this isonly one episode of a podcast.
There's a gazillion movingpieces to each of these things
that I'm offering.
I'm giving you a highlight nowso that you can start creating
changes immediately.
But just know that there's alot more to each one of these
(12:27):
and that you could always digdeeper into them within our
content or, if you want to workprivately, if you need support
Now, in our free content.
Again, I'm going to put linksin the description and in other
places so that you could dig indeeper.
For the communication one, theconversation piece for us to
(12:48):
have productive conversations,we need to set them up properly
to begin with.
So one way to do that this isthe takeaway is to ask for a
conversation.
So you're not going to do whatpeople who are not successful in
a relationship or who arestruggling do, which is they
walk by their partner and theydump information, or they
address things that bothers them, or they complain about
(13:09):
something, or they make arequest and they assume that
their partner heard it and thatthey're going to be able to act
on it, or that they agreed to it, or that they understood it.
Meanwhile, a lot of the time,the other person is not
registering it.
Meanwhile, a lot of the time,the other person is not
registering it.
So this is for, like, everydaythings, but also for bigger
things, and what a sure way ofmaking sure that we are not in
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alignment, not on the same page,and that we create problems and
conflicts.
So what we want to do is makesure that our partners are
available, that they could takeus in or that they could hear us
.
So, for example, you would saysomething like hey, honey, I
want to run something by you.
Okay, you have a minute.
I just want to share somethingthat happened today.
Or I need to pick your brainabout something.
(13:54):
So make sure that you havetheir attention.
And they could be like okay,hang on one minute, let me
finish writing this email, letme finish this thing that I'm
doing.
Or like, give me five minutes.
I need to go to the bathroomfirst, whatever right.
Or they could be like yes, I'mavailable and sure, what is it?
But we have to have that youknow.
Yes, we're talking, we're bothpresent for this conversation.
(14:15):
We're both present to exchangeinformation or to receive
information.
Both.
That's super important.
That's number one.
And then two, we want to makesure that we share how we need
to be heard.
Are we just sharing somethingfor kicks?
Do we want somebody, the otherperson's input?
Do we want a shoulder to leanon?
Do we want to reach a place ofan agreement to make a decision
(14:39):
about something Right.
So we have to give our partnera heads up as to how to listen
to us so that they could lookfor the right information and
respond to us in a way thatserves that conversation, that
exchange, and that our needs getmet so they don't get flooded,
they don't get lost, they don'tget whatever and we get what we
want out of that conversation.
(15:00):
Now, this is especially truefor women when I'm offering,
because we tend to talk incircles, we tend to express a
lot of detail, be veryexpressive, and we tend to lose
our male counterparts if we'rein a heterosexual relationship
or more masculine brain partner.
So we want to make sure that wetell them how to listen to us
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and so that we can have aproductive conversation and this
is true for both partners, butdefinitely for the way that the
women communicate, so that theyor the more feminine brain
communicates, so that the otherpartner could take us in and
actually meet us where we needthem to meet us at.
Now.
Those two things are superimportant right off the bat.
You have some skills there andthat's just for regular
conversation.
(15:43):
That's not for when you'retriggered or when you need to
address something more heavyduty.
That's like a little bit beyondtoday, but for now that's good
enough.
Just don't make thoseassumptions that your partner is
hearing you or sticking you inor is receiving the information,
unless you have confirmationand you check in that you're on
the same page.
Okay, now with this one, what Iwant to offer is the four
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virtues, for this one areclarity, and that means to
communicate clearly, openly,honestly, thoroughly, without
overdoing it.
So there's clarity in whatyou're saying, the message that
you're sending and it could bereceived.
So you have to be a responsiblesender so that the other person
can receive you.
(16:29):
If you're talking giverish, theother person's going to receive
giverish, and then you can'tget upset that you're not being
understood, just saying Okay.
The next one is civility.
So this is interesting becausepartners usually think that it's
okay to treat their partner assomebody who will just take
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anything right.
Because we're married alreadyor in a long-term relationship,
we think that it's okay for ourpartner to receive the worst
parts of us and for us to treatthem like crap when we have an
crappy day.
That's just not true and justnot so and not fair.
For those of you who arethinking well, that's what
marriage is.
I should be able to put up withstuff.
I don't have to be.
Why do I have to be perfect?
Why can't I make mistakes?
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Nobody is perfect.
Like I will have a bad day,yeah, fair.
But that doesn't mean that youcan't moderate yourself to some
place, to some, in some form, sothat you're not a complete jerk
to your partner because you'rehaving a bad day.
It doesn't give you a licenseto be a jerk.
(17:30):
You might have a hard timeregulating yourself or being
pleasant, but doesn't mean thatyou have to still not be
cautious, or intentional, orcareful.
To some extent that could meaneven things like or careful.
To some extent that could meaneven things like hey, honey, I'm
having a bad day, you know,like I can't even stand myself.
So stay clear, just a heads up,just bring in some
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intentionality, right?
So it doesn't mean that wecould just go off the hinges
because we're not in a goodplace, right?
We don't want that from ourpartner to do to us either.
We're here to support eachother in the good, the bad and
the ugly Within moderation.
It doesn't mean that all glovesare off because of that belief.
So that's stability, right.
(18:14):
Treat each other with respectand kindness and consideration.
The third one is carefulness.
And carefulness, I mean, soundsa little funky, right, but that
comes from a place of justbeing thoughtful with your words
and with your actions.
And how do you show up to beingintentional?
In a way, and I don't know ifyou noticed it, but all of these
(18:36):
words start with a C.
I just had fun creating a Clist with all of these virtues,
so that one just came up toshare with you.
And the last one for element twois courage.
And so what we want to do withthis one is embrace
vulnerability and the ability totackle tough conversations, and
the ability to tackle toughconversations in a way that
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we're showing up authentically,that we're opening up, that
we're vulnerable, that we'reavailable, that we take a risk
If there's something that wedon't like or something that we
prefer differently, that we'reable to speak up.
And speaking up and standing upfor ourselves doesn't mean that
we cancel our partner in theprocess.
It means that we create spacefor both of us to be heard,
(19:19):
right, but just stretching inthis department.
So those are the four virtuesfor element two.
So again, let me repeat themfor you Clarity, civility,
carefulness and courage.
And for element one, just aquick recap.
They were commitment,confidence, conviction and
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contentment.
All right, so we're going tomove on to element three.
Now for element three.
The name for this element isclarity and dynamics.
This one has to do with the loop, the patterns that we create in
our relationship.
Now, the less that we've doneto heal, grow, evolve, develop
(20:07):
ourselves, the more likely thatwe are to have programs, beliefs
and conditions and all kinds ofdifferent things playing out in
the backgrounds, subconsciouslyand unconsciously, to create
what drives us.
So we are parading fromprograms, we're parading
(20:28):
automatically, we're not beingintentional, we're not being
conscious in our interactions,and what happens is that in
interactions we might get moreeasily triggered and then, when
we get triggered, our automaticresponses come up, the usual
triggers, so things that are notresolved happen, and then we
react to those and respond tothose the same old way.
(20:50):
We trigger our partner'ssensitivities in places, and
then they have their ownreaction Also.
They haven't done their ownwork right, so they're more
triggerable also if they haven'tdone their own work and they
have their own automaticreactions as well, and the
flavor of their reactions willtrigger ours and then we respond
in kind and triggers theirs andwe create a perpetrating loop.
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Boom, that's not what we want.
So that's how we create stackdynamics and patterns in our
relationship.
If you heard yourself say thingsover and over like we keep
going over and over these things, I keep repeating myself we
keep having the same experience,we keep making the same
mistakes.
You keep responding that way.
I already told you I don't likethat.
(21:33):
Whatever, whatever the flavoris in your relationship, the
repeating things that don't workis because of this right, so
they haven't resolved things orunhealed things.
You haven't resolved things orunhealed things.
You have mechanical or habitualresponses, patterns playing out
, and that stuff is having arelationship.
So it's not the authentic you,it's the core of you guys
(21:55):
interacting.
You have your junk having arelationship.
So it's not the authentic you,it's the core of you guys
interacting.
You're drunk having arelationship.
So the work here is to watchyour stuff, clean up your stuff,
up-level yourself, heal,deprogram, decondition, so you
can show up more authentically,right, and so you're not as
triggerable, you can have moregrace.
So that's what partners do?
(22:16):
They show up with all thatnoise and then they wonder how
come there's so much friction?
How come we're constantlybickering?
How come we have all thesefights?
How come I can't open my mouthand you automatically get mad?
How come we can't have aconversation that we get into a
disagreement and then a fightand then like a massive fight
and then we're thinking aboutbreaking up and we throw out the
baby with the bathwater.
We don't want any of that stuff.
So, owning our things, beingmindful not to trigger our
(22:40):
partner's things, and theninvesting in healing ourselves
and giving things to our partnerthat heals them right and to
help us each other, bringingthat intentionality to help each
other and ourselves decondition, reprogram, heal, reparent
ourselves.
I just gave you a mouthful, sothat's like a lot of stuff to do
there.
Don't be intimidated by that.
The main thing to do.
The takeaway is to beintentional and mindful, to
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increase your awareness ofwhat's happening when you get
triggered.
So, as soon as you start gettingworked up, install a pause, if
you may, or call out a timeoutand be like I'm getting
triggered, I just need a moment.
So some of us could, in thatmoment, talk through what's
happening and that could be atransformative experience in the
moment.
But that is very hard to do so.
(23:27):
If you're a newbie at thisstuff, you could say pause, time
out, let me just think, let meregroup here, let's take a few
to regroup and come back.
And a few could mean whateverand come back.
And if you could mean whateverright up to 24 hours potentially
, like I need to just sit withthis and process and once you
have a handle on what gottriggered for you, what your
(23:47):
experience was, the assumptionsthat you made, the scripts that
came up and started runningrampant and all that kind of
stuff, and you could see yourpartner's side also.
This is the cue, the clue.
How do you know that?
You processed it and you'reregrouped and you're ready to
have a conversation, and thenyou realize that nobody's the
(24:08):
enemy and you both just werehaving a bad interaction and you
could have a betterconversation about that.
If you're thinking about it andyou're still like I want to
tell them oh, bah, bah, bah, bah.
Better conversation about that.
If you're thinking about it andyou're still like I want to
tell them oh, blah, blah, blah,blah, or they still didn't see
this or they didn't understandthe other and I still want to
show them this and like theydon't get it and this is what
they did.
If you're still thinking likethat, you're still having ways
(24:39):
to go to process that youhaven't fully regrouped for lack
of a better word and sosometimes you can regroup
together after, like things,calm down and you can help each
other see stuff, and that's whatwe do in therapy, right?
So the conversations help us dothat, or help partners do that,
I should say.
And so in those moments,processing back and forth the
experience, the partners get tosee what happened for them and
what happened for the other, andthey have a fuller
understanding.
And in that understandingthere's alignment, there's
(25:01):
healing, there's being seen andheard and validated and all the
yummy stuff.
And so that's part of thetakeaway Having that awareness,
taking a pause to regroup to see, okay, what's happening, and
then coming back and having aconversation as to that, right.
So then that's where the juicystuff happens and the growth and
(25:22):
transformation happens, andthen, of course, always being
mindful not to trigger yourpartner as best you can.
Sometimes they get triggeredjust because they get triggered,
and vice versa, we gettriggered just because a partner
doesn't necessarily do anythingwrong.
That's just the way of life.
So that's why we bring in theother piece of like, okay,
process it and then address ittogether and that's where the
healing and the beautiful stuffhappens.
Okay, that's again a wholebunch of stuff.
(25:46):
There's a lot more that meetsthe eyes there, but that's just
some quick takeaways for you tostart playing with this
particular element, particularelement, okay.
Now, the virtues for this oneare calmness, and this means
that, like I said before, withall the noise and the triggers
and this and that and the otherthing, like all the things show
(26:14):
up, calmness means that duringchallenging times, you could
still remain peaceful, you couldstill stay sane, you could
still take in what's happeningand you could address things
properly, that you don't allowyourself to get triggered to go
to that place.
Or even if you're triggered,you kind of remain even keel,
like you're able to just manageright.
So you regulate yourself.
Composure is the next one, andthis one has to do with staying
(26:37):
collected when you're inconflict.
So you're not going for a ride,you're not biting the hook,
you're not getting all up in theother person's grill, you are
staying collected even thoughthere's conflict going on, right
.
So these two sound similar.
The other one's like more of aglobal thing, like situations
(26:57):
are happening and you staypretty peaceful within yourself,
in your routine, in your day,in the moments.
The other one's more specificto an exchange in the immediate
moment, right.
So calmness is like the bigger,higher perspective, more global
experience.
Composure is more in the momentand doing that and interaction.
(27:21):
Then the third one is compassion, and this one has to do with
supporting each other withempathy and understanding, and
so when there are those momentsof intensity, of triggers,
emotionality and things likethat, to be able to respond with
compassion and with kindness,with understanding, with empathy
(27:43):
for our partner's experience.
A lot of times we might look atour partner and we just don't
get it.
Why did they get so worked upall of a sudden about something
that we did or somebody else did?
It's challenging to see whenwe're both worked up or when we
both get triggered.
Else did.
It's challenging to see whenwe're both worked up or when we
both get triggered, but usuallymost of the time one person gets
(28:04):
triggered.
First they kind of go a littleberserk and then in that
berserkness they trigger theother partner, right?
So then the whole thing gets alittle wacky.
But so while your partner'sbeing triggered and you haven't
gotten triggered yourself.
Yet perfect, that's when youbring in the compassion and this
empathy because potentially youwould help them shortchange
that circuit and then you don'tget grabbed into the whole crazy
(28:25):
moment.
And then the last one, with thiselement three.
The last virtue is consistency,and this one has to do with how
do we show up with love andcare regularly so that we build
trust right?
Part of people feelingneglected and abandoned and
getting triggered in thoseplaces is because there is
(28:48):
inconsistency in how we relateand how we show up and how we
keep our word, our commitmentsand what we do.
We keep our word, ourcommitments and what we do, and
so that's the shortest way toundermine our trust and our
commitment in our relationship,the status of our relationship,
and so this consistency piece isvery important, especially for
(29:09):
partners who have those kinds ofwounds.
Okay, so these four virtues forelement three are, again, are
calmness, composure.
For element three are, again,are calmness, composure,
compassion and consistency.
Okay, we're moving on toelement four.
(29:30):
Element four is connection andintimacy.
Now, this is one of my favorites.
I mean, I love them all.
They all have their ownawesomeness and, again, we don't
have much time together so Ican't flesh out all of these
elements to all the degree thatI would love to and give you all
the nuances for each one ofthese and tell you what I love
about each one.
But just know that there'sreally yumminess in all of these
(29:51):
places, and for this one it'sbringing a lot today just
because of us.
We are gearing up forValentine's day, so I want to
say a little bit more about whythis one is special to me, or
why I love this one so much, andthat is because this is where
we get to build connection, andif you know anything about my
content and our approach, one ofthe tenets of what we do is
(30:15):
that, or the beliefs that webuild on, is that through
connection, we could pretty muchtake care of what we do.
Is that, or the beliefs that webuild on, is that, through
connection, we could pretty muchtake care of anything and do
anything.
And so, of course, this onethat is like really special for
me or to me, and the key withthis one, obviously, then, is to
build connection.
So create connection, maintainconnection and deepen connection
(30:36):
.
Maintain connection and deepenconnection.
That's the goal with this one.
So if the relationship isrequiring more safety and and
there's conflict and there'strust issues and there are funky
things in the relationship.
Then we need to work on theemotional connection side of
things.
Once that piece is moreestablished, then we let our
hair down and we could work moreon the physical passion side of
(31:00):
things.
So there's like that spectrumthere.
Of course we could do both atthe same time.
Of course we could focus onpassion if we want to, but just
know that those are harderthings to do if there's no
emotional safety first.
Okay, so this is kind of like aquick little mindset piece
around that.
So you understand maybe whereyou need to focus more on If
(31:21):
you're having a blast sex life,know that some of the things
might need to happen firstbefore you start tackling that
intimacy piece, that physicalintimacy piece, anyway.
So what partners usually do hereis completely shut down.
They lead parallel lives, theyavoid each other.
They just don't know how toenjoy each other.
(31:42):
They neglect the relationship,they don't invest in the
relationship, they don't havefun together.
They don't know how to have funtogether.
They can't have intimateconversations, right.
So I'm sure that you can relateto a lot of these if you're
struggling in your relationship.
And so what we want to do hereis prioritize the relationship.
What happens a lot is that lifegets in the way.
Things get busy, we might havethe children, the children
(32:06):
become a priority and the wholeromantic side of a relationship
goes out the window.
We become the partners in thebusiness of life.
We become the husband and thewife I'm sorry, we become the
father and the mother if we'reheterosexual or whatever the
combination is if you're not.
And it becomes about that,right, the doing of life, the
raising of the children, themaking the life.
(32:26):
But the connection between thepartners get lost, right, the
juice of the couple gets lost.
There's no more couple, there'sno more romantical partnership.
It's only the business of life,the marriage part, and this is
where most couples go wrong,right?
So losing sight of thespecialness, the intimacy, the
(32:49):
connection that's inherent tobeing a romantic couple.
And so that's where theprioritizing the relationship
comes first.
Now people say things like thechildren are important, the
children are a priority, andthings like that For sure, right
, who's going to take care ofthe children if it's not for the
parents?
A hundred percent.
But they can't be at theexpense of the couple.
(33:11):
This is a mistake that thepartners make.
You still need to prioritizethe couple, and it doesn't mean
that you give the couple all ofthe time.
It means that at any moment intime you assess what is the
priority and how you protect thebond and the couple from the
onslaught of everyday life andparenting.
(33:31):
Okay, and so, whatever you needto do to make some time,
quality time, for you and yourpartner to nurture that part of
your relationship Huge.
Now for this one, we have aprotocol.
It's the Date, your Partnerprotocol, that you could also
download from our website.
It's free and, like I saidbefore, I'm going to put all
(33:52):
kinds of resources At the end ofthis.
I'm going to tell you all thethings that I'm going to put for
free in the description so thatyou could help yourself with
whatever element or something isfor you the most that you need
to do, the most work onwell-being, pretty
self-explanatory Charity, beinggenerous with how you show
affection, how available you arewith your time, with your
(34:29):
presence, with gifts, whateveris important for you guys in a
way that touches your partner.
The next one is cheerfulness,and this one is about bringing
positivity and joy to therelationship.
Right, there's nothing worsethan a partner who's constantly
whining or complaining aboutsomething, or who is just
(34:50):
picking at everything and likenothing, nothing makes them
happy and that's just boring,right, and that's just.
I'm thinking of the worst wordsI'm catching myself here.
But that's just like a downer,right, it's every downer.
We don't want that.
And so just how do we bringthat positivity?
(35:10):
How do we up-level our gamewith that?
And the last one for elementfour is creativity, and this one
has to do with how to keep thespark alive, having fresh
experiences, fresh ideas forthings to do together, to
experience, to check out, toexplore, and all of the things.
How do you create theadventures?
(35:32):
How do you create moments tolearn each other even more and
more deeply?
Okay, so the four quick recap.
The four for element four arecaring, charity, cheerfulness
and creativity.
Okay, so I'm going a littlelong, so I'm just gonna.
I'm trying to speed up here alittle bit, just bear with me.
(35:55):
Element five is collaborationand partnership.
So this one is fun just becausethis is where the practical
stuff comes in, and some peoplereally struggle with putting
things in place and beingpractical, and some of us are
just nerdy with this stuff, andjust that's why we love it.
So this is where that stuffhappens.
(36:17):
And for this one people who arestruggling in their
relationship they just don'thave good systems for
co-creating with their partner,for creating a partnership,
right.
Everything is off the cuff,flying by the seat of their
pants, winging everything.
There's no plan, there is nosystem, there is no structure,
there's no routines, like justeverything's pretty chaotic.
And I'm saying there is none,there is none, but there might
(36:41):
be some.
It's just not enough to createease and flow and good working
machine out of the operations ofrunning your lives together.
So that's what this one isabout Mapping out the cadences
of when you do things, how doyou do them, and creating
systems for making them happen.
And we don't want to show uphaphazardly, we want to be able
(37:04):
to.
Okay, I leave off here.
My partner picks up here, right, like what is that system?
Like I'm supposed to reinventthe wheel every time something
comes up or every time I have toget something done.
That's just more work than it'snecessary.
Life is enough work, we don'tneed to make it worse and more
complicated.
Okay, so the four virtues forelement five are collaboration.
(37:26):
And some of these words areself-explanatory, right, but we
want to apply them to therelationship.
Collaboration is building ashared vision.
So this one has to have like ahigher perspective as to what
are we co-creating, what's myinput, what's your input, what
is the shared vision and how dowe go about making that happen.
(37:48):
Like a big picture perspectiveof like what kind of life do we
want to create?
What kind of lifestyle do wewant to live?
How do we go about making thathappen?
The next one is cooperation.
So this one is slightlydifferent in that this is more
down to earth as opposed to likethe higher perspective.
This one is more like how arewe a team, how do we tackle all
the tasks and create the things?
(38:09):
How do we achieve the goals?
Just like more foot to thepedal kind of thing, like more
in the moment, more practical.
The other one is more visionary.
This one is more of the doing.
Okay, and then that wascollaboration and cooperation
for element five.
And then the next one.
The next virtue is compromise,which has to do with finding a
(38:33):
balance of mutual solutions.
Now, when people hearcompromise compromise has kind
of, for some reason, a bad rapPeople think that, okay, I give
something up so that we couldmeet in the middle, right?
So I give something, you givesomething, and we find a middle,
a common ground in the middle.
Sure, that's one way of doingit, but I hate to look at this
(38:56):
as giving something up.
I think that a better way oflooking at compromise is how do
I bring my stuff in?
You bring your stuff in andthey melt together so we create
a common thing, as opposed to welose things.
We create a greater thing thatwe can do together that meets
both of our needs.
That's how I like to look atcompromise so there's no loss in
(39:17):
there.
So that's what we're lookingfor.
To look at compromise sothere's no lowest in there.
So that's what we're lookingfor.
And then the last one, thevirtue number four for this
element five is competence, andthis has to do with being
reliable and capable in meetingresponsibilities, and so you
want to bring your strengths andyour skills and capitalize on
those, and you will havedifferent strengths and
(39:38):
different skills and most likelythe opposite.
So it actually behooves you tobring your stuff to the table,
because you will create agreater whole, the parts will
create a greater whole.
So capitalize on each other'sstrengths to synergize, to move
things forward to pick upmomentum right.
So working together, creating asynergy that's fabulous, okay.
(40:03):
So quick recap for element five.
They are collaboration,cooperation, compromise and
competence okay, my love.
So a quick recap of all thethings this successful
relationship strategy came to befrom all of the work that I've
done with all of the couples forall of the time.
And it boils down to this four,five aspects of relationship,
(40:23):
these five critical elementsthat when you start investing in
them intentionally, you startcreating a transformation in
your relationship.
If you're struggling or takingit to the next level, if you're
doing okay and today I added tothe description of them a quick
kind of like where you might getstuck, like how you're doing it
wrong, and a quick takeaway soyou can start creating a
transformation.
(40:44):
And I added the bonus of fourvirtuals for each of the
elements so that you could digin and cultivate those
characteristics and takeeverything to the next level for
yourself.
Thank you so much for watchingand for listening up to this
point.
I hope all those things servedyou and, like I promised, I'm
going to list a few things I'mgoing to offer in the resources.
I'm going to put a list intoour YouTube playlist of the
(41:08):
elements, so you go deeper intoeach one of them.
Everything that I'm going tosay today is free.
I am going to put a link to 20Days Relationship Enrichment
Challenge.
It's going to be perfect forValentine's Day and the month of
love.
I'm going to put a link tovalues so that you could
identify your values and youcould align together and work
towards those shared values andcreating a shared vision.
(41:30):
I am going to put a link to theDate your Partner Protocol.
So, bam, you could create thatconnection and have fun with
your partner.
And two other things that Ididn't really mention, but why
not?
I think that will hook you upwith all these things.
One is sharing responsibilitieschecklist, so you could really
divide and conquer, and this isfor element five so really
(41:52):
create a good collaboration,sharing chores and
responsibilities.
People get hung up on that andfight all the time about that
stuff.
And the other one is settingeffective boundaries.
I did mention that, but thisPDF really goes into depth,
describing types of boundaries,how they show up and the meaning
and how to apply them.
(42:13):
So I think that that will befabulous and really helpful for
you.
Okay, so tons of resources.
Be sure you check them out.
I hope you enjoy them.
I would love to hear how youmake out with them.
If you have any questions, letus know in the comments which
element resonated the most foryou, which one you're going to
be playing with for Valentine'sday and how you're going to be
making things amazing, and Ilook forward to seeing you at
(42:33):
the next one.
Thank you for watching.
Bye.
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