September 24, 2025 • 61 mins
In today’s episode, Emma talks about how partners believe they are supportive in their relationship but how in actuality they are not. Their words, actions or how they show up is not one of a supportive partner… She offers how to address this from an empowering position so both partners win.
She describes 10 specific ways in how partners are not supportive in their relationship that create a life of struggle instead of a life of blissful success. The 10 ways line up with the new edition of the Successful Relationship Strategy™, providing a full spectrum upgrade to uplevel your relationship.
✨ We are honored to serve you and thrilled to share meaningful milestones and growth with you today. Emma is sharing two special offers to celebrate our Podcast’s 2nd Anniversary and our Practice’s 25th Anniversary, along with the debut of the new edition of the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
A must listen for any couple looking to take their relationship to the next level.
Hope you enjoy it!
*Visit the Episode’s Page for the Video, related article, other resources AND to get our Special Celebration Offers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of the host’s.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Emma Viglucci (00:00):
Hello lovelies, welcome to another episode.
I am so excited to be here withyou today for two reasons.
The first one is that today'stopic is super empowering.
We are covering how yourrelationship creates a life of
success or a life of struggle.
A lot of times, partners thinkthat they're being supportive,
(00:23):
that they're helping theirpartners, that they got their
partners back and that they'redoing for their partner.
But are they really Right?
Their partners might saysomething completely different,
and so today we're going tocover how we might not be
supportive to our partner, butmore specifically, because
sometimes we don't worry aboutthat too much it might be
(00:43):
unsupportive.
We worry more about if ourpartner is being supportive of
us, and so I want to hook us upby addressing this topic from
that angle.
If we feel that our partner isnot being supportive, then what
do we do about that?
How do we create a shift?
How do we help them support us?
How do we invite them tosupport us?
(01:04):
Okay, so we're going to createthe changes that we want there.
We're going to cover 10different ways in which we might
experience our partners notbeing supportive, and they will
probably recognize how we're notbeing supportive of ourselves
as well.
Right, but we are going to see,okay, how are our partners not
being supportive?
And what to do to invite thesupport, to create the support
(01:26):
with them.
The other reason why I'm superexcited for today is because we
are celebrating the podcastsecond year anniversary, and
this year it's also ourpractice's 25th year anniversary
.
Practice's 25th yearanniversary We've been around
(01:50):
for a while and so honored tosupport so many couples in their
growth and transformation andcreating the relationship that
they want.
And the other thing that we'recelebrating is they debuted of a
new version of the successfulrelationship strategy, which
captures an up-leveled way ofworking with clients and the way
that we do our work that helpssupport couples.
(02:10):
And this new day and age thatrequires being a new kind of
human to deal with everythingthat's been happening, and that
requires having a new marriage.
That's what the work is allabout.
We can create a new marriage tohelp us do life the way that we
want and have the humanexperience that we're here to
(02:31):
have to have that meaningful andsuccessful life.
Now, what's a celebrationwithout gifts?
And so I have two things tooffer.
Things to offer.
The first one is the MarriageBreakthrough Essentials Bundle
(02:53):
that includes a curated list ofpodcast videos and a curated
list of downloadable guides tosupport you in implementing all
the things.
I'm going to show you how tochange today so that you can
create the relationship in thelife that you want with much
more ease, harmony, joy and, ofcourse, connection and love.
And the second gift, if you'reinterested in working with us,
(03:17):
is a package of sessions withfull access to the membership,
and it's discounted at 30% offof our regular rates.
For both of these gifts, youhave all the information below.
You have links and moreinformation so that you could
decide which one you want.
(03:37):
The first one is completelyfree, so why not?
You could totally just accessthat.
You just fill out the form andyou'll immediately get the free
gifts.
And the second one you'll getmore information how to work
with us if you're interested,okay, so without further ado,
let's dive in.
I have lots to share, lots toshare today.
(03:59):
So the first thing that I wantto highlight is that the 10
points that I'm going to shareare related to the successful
relationship strategy elementsand their updated version.
And so the five the updatedversions now include commitment
(04:23):
communication now includecommitment, communication,
consciousness, connection andcollaboration.
And so, as we go through the 10items, just know that each two
belong to one of those fiveelements and you could hear for
(04:43):
the themes in them.
When you address these things,the five elements will help
shift the whole relationship.
So it might seem like 10 littleloose things, but there's a
whole thing behind the scenesgoing on that will really hook
you up to create the changesthat you want.
Okay, so they're not justrandom items.
(05:03):
They are grounded in a provenprocess that it's been 30 years
in the making, by the way, guys.
So, as you could see, there's alot behind this.
So I'm making it as simple aspossible.
I'm going to give you 10 itemsthat you might recognize that
(05:25):
you're doing or that yourpartner is doing to be
unsupportive in yourrelationship and how you're
shifted, and they are related tothese elements so that when you
apply them, you'llautomatically be targeting the
five areas of the relationshipthat need targeting and
upgrading to create thetransformation that you're
seeking or the up-leveling thatyou're seeking.
Okay, hopefully that made sense.
(05:46):
We're going to jump right inReady.
So number one has to do withcreating doubt.
Now, again, you may recognizeyourself, but we're going to
focus on this from this sidelike that, you might feel that
your partner's creating doubt.
Okay, now, doubt could be inanything.
The one that's really harmfulis when we create doubt in our
(06:13):
commitment and the relationshipstatus.
So a lot of times when partnersare struggling, they might
throw out threats of separatingor breaking up, of divorcing, or
they might operate with onefoot out the door.
Right.
So they might be doing funnybehaviors that show you that
(06:35):
they're not fully committed,they're not all in.
They might be acting single.
They might be acting single.
They might be operating shady.
They might actually bebetraying you in different ways
or showing up in ways that don'tshow full care.
Right Again, you might be doingthis.
(06:58):
This might go the other wayaround.
But if your partner is doingall these things and you're like
, oh, where the heck is mypartner, why are they not all in
?
Then what we want to do tocreate this shift is to have a
conversation, and I know thatsounds simple, but hang on, hang
on.
I'm going to say more aboutthat in a second.
(07:21):
The other ways in which theymight create doubt, aside from
the relationship itself, isabout the future, about your
skills, your level of abilities,in your career, in your
business, in your parenting.
They might undermine yourself-esteem and your confidence
in all kinds of areas yourfitness, your wellness, your
(07:43):
diet.
They might be undermining allkinds of things.
Okay, so that's the thing tolook to look out for how they
create doubt and insecuritiesand lack of confidence.
Confidence how do theyundermine?
Now going back to thatconversation the conversation is
not about chasing.
It's not about beating them upfor doing this.
(08:06):
It's not about telling themwhat they should do.
It's not about telling them allthe things that you want and
how they're falling short, right.
So it's not a negativeconversation.
Instead, it's going to be aconversation around desires,
(08:37):
around what we want, around whatwe would like to see happen,
around preferences, and it'sgoing to be about sharing that
for ourselves and asking them,being curious about theirs.
So, if they are doing all thesethings that are undermining,
we're going to say, hey, youknow, these are my preferences.
(08:59):
I'm going to, I'm giving youthe short version of this,
otherwise we're going to be hereforever.
I want these things, this ishow I want to feel, this is what
I want to achieve, this is whatmy beliefs are, this is my
preferences, these are my dreamsand the way that things have
been going.
Don't feel that we might bealigned with some of these
(09:23):
things.
What are yours?
They might not be able toanswer you.
To have these kinds ofconversations is much better to
set up a date for it, to givethem a heads up of what you want
to chat about.
Don't say we have to talk aboutthe relationship, because that
freaks them out.
So you're going to say, hey,you know, I would love to just
(09:46):
chat about things.
Let's have a conversation aboutthe state of the union, kind of
thing.
Right, let's just kind of turnthe same page about things.
So it's not threatening andthat might even be threatening,
right.
So you use your judgment, yourdiscernment in terms of what
might be threatening or notthreatening in your relationship
.
Make it as least threatening aspossible.
(10:08):
So it's going to be a chat aboutstuff, so that they have an
idea that it's going to be adeep conversation and you might
want to say about dreams andgoals and visions and what we
want to create.
So they have.
So you're priming the pump sothey kind of know what to expect
and they might come a littlebit more prepared, as opposed to
like, oh, what are your dreamsand desires about life and
they're going to have no cluehow to answer you.
(10:30):
Okay, and then you're going toget frustrated and then you're
going to take offense to thatand that's going to become
information even more solid ofall the things, and it's going
to make it worse, right?
So you're going to be cautiousabout this.
You're going to be light andfun and curious.
It's not going to be heavy andintense and all the things.
(10:51):
Once you have both sets, orsomewhat of both sets, don't go
all intensive with like ahundred item list of yours and
they're going to be like I don'thave anything, and then again
that discrepancy is going tomake it weird.
Go in with a gist of the flavorof the things from your side,
depending on the topic.
Is it about life?
Is it about your fitness?
Is it about your career?
Is it about your job, yourbusiness, the kids, right?
(11:15):
So a general gist of yourpreferences.
Check in on theirs, thenidentify the gap and then
address the gap, because thatwill show you where they're at.
They might be in a verydifferent place than you and
they don't know that they'reundermining you.
They might not agree If it hasto do with parenting or
(11:35):
lifestyle things, they'reimpacted too.
So that's a little tricky,right, but that's the
conversation.
So how can we do this thing sowe both feel safe, so that it
works for both of us, so that weboth get what we want, so that
both sides are supported, yousee?
(11:56):
So that's the conversation.
So it's going to be curious.
It's not going to bethreatening.
You're going to explore, you'regoing to share, you're going to
ask questions and you're goingto find some kind of middle
ground this is the key Some kindof middle ground where the
other person could be all in,because if you're asking for the
(12:17):
moon and they can't even grab aspeck of dirt, you're not going
to get anything.
You're going to get a speck ofdirt.
That's not what we're lookingfor.
So when you make it easy forthem to give you what you need,
they'll give it to you.
If it's challenging, they can'tgive it, how are they going to
(12:37):
give it to you, right?
Okay, so that's number one.
Number two is now allowing yourpartner to be themselves.
Again, you could be doing this,they could be doing this to you
.
Regardless.
What it looks like is that apartner is telling the other
partner how they need to be, howthey need to show up, how they
(12:59):
need to operate, what they needto think, feel, do, follow up
with.
Do the other thing, how to takeout the garbage.
You know, like being in theother person's circle.
If you're new to us and youdon't know what that means, it's
staying in your own lane, likenot telling the other person
what to do, minding theirbusiness in a nutshell.
(13:21):
And what happens is that when apartner does that, the other
person is disempowered.
And so if they're telling youhow to do all these things and
you're feeling like, oh my gosh,you stopped controlling me, you
stopped telling me what to doand how to be, or undermining
who I am, or I can't speak up orbe my full self because I might
(13:42):
feel that you might reject meor not want me or leave me Right
.
So I'm either going to becontrolled or I'm going to be
abandoned.
And so how do we deal with this?
We set some boundaries.
The easiest way to do that isto keep in mind the idea of the
(14:03):
circles, which means it's aninvisible hula hoop around your
body.
Inside this hula hoop is allthe things about you.
Your partner has one, you haveone If you leave your circle and
you go in your partner's circle, in their lane.
You're going in their circle andyou're telling them what to do
(14:25):
with themselves and forthemselves inside their circle.
Your circle's empty.
You're disempowered.
Their circle's crowded.
They can't act for themselves,they can't have self-agency.
If it's crowded and you shutthem down, they're disempowered,
everybody's disempowered.
And so what we want to do iscome back into our own circle,
(14:46):
not tell the other person how tobe, not go in their circle.
And if they're coming in ourcircle, same thing.
We're going to tell them gentlyget out of my circle, right?
I don't appreciate being toldwhat to do.
This doesn't work for me.
This is I prefer that you tellme how I'm impacting you with
these actions or this behavior,or how this has, what this has
(15:09):
to do with you.
That's how this hurts yourfeelings or sets you back or
bothers you, right?
So two ways about this.
One if you're in their circle,that's how you disempower them,
where they feel that they can bethemselves.
(15:30):
So you're going to come back inyour circle.
If they're doing that to you,you can be yourself, you can
speak up, you can say your piece, you can be you, you can pursue
the things that you like, allthat kind of stuff.
You're going to gently tellthem to not do that.
But sometimes people are roughabout this and then the partner
(15:52):
takes offense and they can'thear the boundary and then it
creates worse things.
So instead we're going to askthem, like, what's going on
behind what their action, whatthey're doing?
Why are you saying these things?
Usually it has to do about them, right?
So why are they doing that?
And so if we find that, what'sbehind, what's driving that,
(16:12):
then we could address that moredirectly and we get them out of
our circle.
You see, that's the tricky part.
So you're going to tell them toremove themselves, but we're
going to address also what'sbehind that, so then it's easier
for them to stay out and theydon't have the need to come into
our circle, because whatever isdriving is going to be taken
care of, right?
So notice the way that I'm doingthis.
(16:34):
We can't tell other people whatto do.
We can't tell our partnersupport my life, right, they
don't know what that means andthey don't know how to do it.
But if we start analyzing itlike this, if we start breaking
it down into specific areas orthings or topics, or themes, or
by the elements, like I'm doingright now, by the relationship
areas.
Then you go more nuanced, go inand address the driver how is
(16:59):
playing out, how is showing up,how is this about them?
And we put something in placefor that and that takes care of
both of us.
Isn't this beautiful, right?
So that's how we create changeand that's how we create the
support that we want and thelife that we want at the end of
the day.
Okay, so both of those have todo with element one commitments.
(17:21):
So we're going to align, we'regoing to be growth minded, we're
going to get on the same page.
We're going to break anyimpasses.
We're not going to own eachother.
Get on the same page, we'regoing to break any impasses,
we're not going to own eachother.
And that's going to help us getthe support properly and have
that full end commitment and beall in and really have each
(17:44):
other's back properly.
Okay, the third way in that wemight not support our partner
and them us is that ininteractions or in conversations
, we gaslight or we're defensive, and again they could be doing
that to us.
And so what do we do?
(18:05):
This is very common.
People try to talk, addressthings and the way that they
show up, they're gaslighting theother.
Well, no, that didn't happen.
I didn't say that.
That's not how it is.
This is what you do, justwhatever.
All the ways that we do it, andalso we're defensive, right.
So that feel is very dismissive.
(18:32):
It denies our reality, itdenies who we are, and if we're
doing it, it does that to theother.
So we don't want to be therecipient of that or the doer of
that.
If our partner is doing that tous, then our job is to explain
how that's making us feel, feelhow that's creating a feeling of
(19:00):
being dismissed, of not beinghurt.
We're not feeling understood,we're feeling we're being
canceled, that the reality isbeing denied, all kinds of
things.
So we could share that If westraight up say well, you're
gaslighting me, or stopgaslighting me, that's not going
to work, because now you'reattacking your partner, right?
So I see this all the time.
That's what partners say likestop gaslighting me, that's not
going to work, because nowyou're attacking your partner,
right?
So I see this all the time.
That's what partners say Likestop gaslighting me, always
gaslight me, or I'm done withyou gaslighting me, right, so
(19:20):
that is not going to helpanything.
The partners don't evenunderstand what that means.
They don't understand the termusually, and they don't agree
that you're doing that.
They don recognize it, and sothat's not helpful to anybody.
What we're going to do insteadis we're going to say what this
(19:43):
gaslighting or theirdefensiveness is doing to us.
We're going to explain how it'smaking us feel and again check
in on what's going on for them,and we're going to try to get in
that middle way of how do wehelp you feel understood.
This is what I need to feelunderstood.
Both realities can take place atthe same time.
If I'm right doesn't mean thatyou're wrong, and if you're
wrong, it doesn't mean that I'mright.
(20:03):
That partners haveconversations to win.
There is no right or wrong.
Right because something's truefor you, it doesn't mean that
what's true for me can be truealso.
This is a both and situation.
This is because your experiencedoesn't mean that my experience
(20:30):
is not real.
Both of our experiences are real, and so our job as partners is
to acknowledge each other'sexperience.
Our job is not to say myreality overrides yours, right?
So how do we acknowledge whatyou experienced and how do we
acknowledge what I experienced?
(20:51):
That way, we both feelvalidated, we both feel
understood.
We don't have to agree or lovethe other person's experience.
They might be saying that Iexperienced you as this biggest
whatever, and we don't agreethat we're that person, and vice
versa, but we might be doingsomething that's making them
(21:14):
feel that way, that's givingthem that impression, and so
what's our side that we couldchange and address and do
different or address whatever'screating that impression for
them or that experience for them, and we can make requests for
them so that, so that they don'tdo things that gives us that
(21:36):
impression of them and thatexperience of them.
You see, so we line up on howwe see each other and how we
communicate without denying theother person.
Their experience is just asvalid and our job is to help
them feel heard, understood byus and to help them understand
(22:00):
us.
Now you might say like, oh mygosh, this is so much work and I
hear this a lot, but that'sbecause that's your side, that's
where the work is for you.
You can't do work on yourpartner's side, right, you do,
this is your side of it.
If your partner's listening tothis, they have to do the same
work, you see, so you both dothis.
If I was talking to yourpartner, I would be telling your
(22:24):
partner all this.
If I'm talking to you, I'mtelling you all this.
So this is the things that youneed to do to create change.
We can't wait for our partnerto do something different and we
just sit here complaining,whining, not being happy and
waiting for them to change andtelling them how they should
change.
We're going to be here forever,right, but if we take ownership
(22:44):
of our side and we do all thesedifferent things, we take care
of ourselves and them at thesame time.
Yay, so that's what we'reshooting for.
Now, whoever's listening to this?
If you're listening to thistogether, even better.
Then you each do your side.
When you empower yourself andyou're doing your own side,
you're empowered.
So, when you're owning yourself, you're empowered, and so is
(23:08):
your partner.
And then amazing Now you mightsay things like well, my
partner's not listening to this,I am.
And then I have to do all thework because they're not.
Well, the reason why I'm sayingthe things, that, the way that
I'm saying them, is because thisis where you have the power.
You can't tell them what to do.
You're going to be waiting along time.
(23:28):
But if you do thingsdifferently, automatically
they'll show up differently, yousee.
So they will still be doingthings differently.
That's the trick.
So by you being different, theyneed to show up differently.
They can't respond to you thesame way than if you hadn't
changed.
Okay, so we are incommunication.
(23:53):
Element two, the other one, sothis is number four.
The way that we don't supportour partner is by refusing to
repair and by disconnecting.
Now we might do that.
They might be doing that.
So again, we're here to getwhat we want right.
So they're doing this to us andwe want, we want to change that
.
So how do we do that?
The easiest way to address thatis to say okay, why are they
(24:17):
refusing to repair?
How come they don't want toapologize this comes up all the
time how come they don't want toprocess what happened and
address it or debrief?
How come they just want tosweep it under the rug?
How come they keep saying Ikeep bringing all this stuff up
and I don't get in, just can'tlet it be, let it go Right.
So partners say a lot of stufflike that, and so the key is to
(24:42):
ask for a conversation aroundwhat might be happening with
this.
So you're going to saysomething like you're not trying
to rehash the thing, but ratherwe want.
You want to be able to get onthe same page and you want to be
able to make amends and getback to good graces and good
feels.
Right, the key is to to setthis up so that it's safe to
(25:04):
have the conversation and toaddress what might be happening
and to make it sound inviting toget on the same page, right?
We don't want to keep fighting.
We don't want to be feel right.
We don't want to keep fighting.
We don't want to feeldisconnected.
We don't want to have all thisfriction and all this tension.
Can we get on the same page,right?
So it's not about rehashingthings or beating each other up.
(25:26):
So can we show that weunderstand each other?
That's how to go about this one.
So you're not going to say younever apologize, and I mean
you're not going to go afteryour partner, right?
So you might be picking up atheme here already that we're
not here to beat up on ourpartner.
We're here to address whatmight be happening for them, so
(25:47):
we could address their side andso that we could iron what's
happening in the moment, so,then, that they could meet us
where we need them to meet us,right.
So we remove the roadblock thatmight be in the way from them
showing up the way that we wantthem to show up.
So we address both sides bydoing that, you see, okay?
(26:07):
Moving on to element three,element three now, before I move
on, I want to highlight thatthese things might feel a little
either abstract or like I needmore on that and I don't know
what, how to do those things.
So that's why I created thecompilations that I did, so
you'll have deeper explanationson all this stuff through the
(26:30):
other podcasts that Ispecifically picked out for you
for this, and also the guidesand downloadables so there's a
handful of them to really drillin into perspectives and tools
and skills and resources, sothat you could really have your
own back and make these thingshappen.
Okay, cause there's only somuch that I could cover here.
So that's why I have additionalresources for you, so that you
(26:52):
could drill in into the thingsthat you might need support with
in any of these areas.
All right, so moving on to areathree, element three.
This has to do withconsciousness this is our new
label, by the way, guys and I'mlabeling it consciousness,
(27:14):
because this one has to do witha higher level of awareness what
is happening in our dynamics,how are we getting triggered?
And so, with this one, what wewant to address is our partner,
our partner's seeminglyinability to regulate right.
They just escalate, they blowoff the handle, fly off the
(27:36):
handle, they come at us, they'requick to trigger, they're
reactive, and it just makesinteractions or addressing
anything very challenging.
Like you might be working oneggshells and it's hard to get
things done, you feel you're notgetting your needs met because
you can't even ask for anything,because they just take it
personally and they freak outright.
So I'm sure you recognize howthis might play out, and so the
(28:01):
easiest way to address this isnot to go at them as you suck,
you have an anger managementproblem, you don't meet my needs
.
What's wrong with you, right?
What's wrong with you right?
Obviously that's not gonna work,and even if we say those things
gently like listen, you're soreactive and it's hard for us to
(28:25):
have conversations in whateverlike, even if you try to make it
more subtle, it's stillaccusatory, it's still negative,
it's still blaming, right.
So you don't have to use suchpejorative language or yell at
them or curse at them or saymean things.
Even when we're seemingly beingnice about it, there's still an
(28:50):
edge to it.
So let's watch out for that,because this is one of those
ways that we say, well, we'resupportive, but are we Right?
So this is one of the things.
And so what we want to do is howdo we help, not trigger them?
One and two, how do we helpregulate?
(29:10):
So this is one of those timeswhere, if we're mindful of how
we're showing up our ownpresence, the timing of things,
how we address things, that initself helps regulate.
You see, that in itself helpsthe other person show up easier
or not get triggered andtherefore be able to meet your
(29:32):
needs.
So, again, focus on your sideof this.
One, how do we not trigger?
Two, how do we help them meettheir needs so they're not so
triggerable?
How to self-soothe byco-regulating, right?
So there's all kinds of thingsthat we could do here so that
(29:55):
our partner is more solid and inthe solid, they could be there
for us.
And again I hear like holy crap,that's so much work, what the
heck?
It sounds like a lot, but inthe moment you might look at
something as simple as taking adeep breath when they're
(30:18):
starting to talk and when you'restarting to talk.
So just that different level ofenergy automatically soothes
the moment.
Right, it doesn't have to becomplicated, it could be as
simple as that.
Of course, we could take thisto all kinds of levels, all
kinds of depths, but in theapplication in and of itself, it
doesn't have to be complex orcomplicated or intense or
(30:38):
anything right, just presence inand of itself is huge.
So, please, I don't want you totake this conversation as, like,
you have all this work to do.
It's just being mindful of howyou show up, how you say things,
what are you doing?
I'm supposed to go in afterthem because in that approach
(31:02):
automatically is safe for them.
Then they could do their ownwork and then they could show up
for you differently.
You're not doing the work forthem, by the way, with the
things that I'm saying, I don'tknow.
Hopefully that's not comingacross that way.
You're just showing up in a waythat allows them to do their
work.
They don't become more reactive, more triggered, more whatever
by whatever you're doing, yousee.
So you do your own side, youshow, you're mindful of how you
(31:25):
show up, how you address things,and I'm giving you the ways to
do that, so then they could beavailable for you.
All right, the next one isnumber six.
We're still in consciousness,and this one has to do with we
feel that they're not meetingour needs.
We feel that they're not therefor us.
(31:47):
We feel that they're notstretching to cater care, show
care, show love, that they'rejust doing their side.
They focus on their needs, whatthey want, how they want things
.
Everything is their way ortheir highway.
They can't see our side ofthings or our needs.
(32:11):
So the most common way that thisshows up is that there's a
discrepancy between our needsfor space and connection, right?
So one part of my need space isthe one I need connection, and
they're seemingly opposite.
And so how do we meet both atthe same time?
Right?
And so if I need space, how amI going to give you a connection
(32:31):
?
And if you need connection, howare you going to give me space?
We get stuck there and a lot oftimes, usually people do what
they want, so I'm going to chasefor connection or I'm going to
run away from my space and wedon't meet our partner's needs.
And this is where people getall messed up.
And so this stretch comes in,by finding that middle ground
(32:52):
for having some kind of cadencefor meeting the needs for
connection or space.
Therefore, then you're notstuck with this immediate,
desperate needs for space orconnection because you're
ongoingly getting those needsmet and therefore you don't have
to worry about it.
My needs or your needs aregetting met.
(33:13):
You see, again getting tricky,but this is how we find that way
of making things work for bothof us.
So when we find that our partnerit's all about them and they
want to have their needs met andthey don't care about ours,
because at that point if we waitfor that last minute thing, it
is kind of like me or you, it'slike a thing for survival.
(33:37):
It's a good example the maskputting the mask on in the plane
or when you are deep ocean andlike treading water and you're
drowning, like in those moments,like you got to do, you, you
can take care of the otherperson right.
So we don't want to findourselves in those moments.
So how do we get ahead ofthings so that we can stay
(34:01):
mindful of our partner's needsIf we're pushed to the limit,
like that it's always going tobe our own self-preservation and
it's not fair to put ourpartner in those predicament
moments or for them to put us inthose moments right.
So being intentional about thisbypasses all of that.
Okay, now we're moving on toelement four, and we are talking
(34:25):
about the seventh way, in thatwe might not be supportive, and
this shows up by how we doconnection and I know that I
give the example of connectionin the other one and meeting
each other's needs, because Imean, that's usually one of the
(34:45):
biggest things that people comeup against, but it could show up
anywhere with any example,right, so you could just stretch
your imagination there or applyit to your circumstances and
see how you can find that middleground that meets both sides.
So the seventh way is actuallymore related to connection, and
(35:10):
so with this one, what we wantto do is be mindful of each
other's styles.
Right here, what usuallyhappens is that we think that
we're being supportive, that weshow up to all of our partner's
things and in all the way thatthey want us, that we are
stretching by, we want the spacebut we're giving them the
connection, or we wanted theconnection but we're giving them
(35:31):
the space kind of idea.
But at the end of the day, wemight not be showing up to the
things that are important tothem or in a way that is
important to them or that ittouches their heart, if we're
agreeing to go do something withthem but we have a sour puss in
our face whole time, or we'recomplaining the whole way there,
(35:55):
or we're mean to the peoplearound us while we're there.
We don't engage with peoplethere or whatever, right?
However we do these things, thendo we really show up, right?
You know, what's coming to mindnow is when we're in private
sessions and we're doingappreciations and partners.
(36:18):
One that's fairly common thatpeople share is how they
appreciate how their partnerswere good sports, how they did
it with grace and how they justshowed up full on, full in, and
(36:39):
how they made it easy and theywere easy to be with and
flexible and present and all ofthe things.
That's what I'm talking about,right?
So I know that you could do it.
Our clients who are strugglingin their relationship and
they're here to improve theirrelationship, they're having
this appreciation, so they aredoing it.
So I know that you could do ittoo, okay?
So the key here again is okay,why is my partner not showing up
(37:04):
?
Or why am I not showing up andthen addressing the thing?
So if it's a very specificevent that you don't want to go
to, I mean, that's prettyobvious.
But if we're talking about moredynamic things than events or
outings or moments, thenexploring, okay, why is this?
(37:26):
Why is it partner national andI might myself with my partner?
What is that about?
Is it because of how they arebeing that doesn't allow me to
show up and we have to becareful with it, because it
sounds like we're placing blame,right.
But is it something about ourinteractions that that doesn't
allow me to show up?
Or is it the way that I'm beingthat doesn't allow them to show
(37:48):
up?
Or is it something that's goingon with me, about myself, that
doesn't allow me to show up?
And so, and if they're notshowing up for us, then we're
checking what might be happeningfor them, for themselves that
doesn't allow them to show up.
But we have to be super carefulbecause notice, even as I'm
(38:11):
saying that I'm kind of catchingmyself like, hmm, it sounds
like we're blaming and so wewant to be very careful.
We just show up with curiosity,right, am I doing anything?
Or is it something going on forthem?
And checking, not in anaccusatory manner, but totally
gentle and compassionate andcurious.
That's always super important.
(38:32):
And then we address that thing,right.
What might be?
What might they be needing thatis keeping them from showing up
, or what can I tell her abouthow I'm showing up that then
allows them to show up for meand vice versa?
Okay, the next one.
This is more fun and this ismore about, like, why a partner
(38:56):
is not showing up to the fun,how they refuse to do all the
things that we like to do.
And this is when I hear thingslike we're not compatible.
They don't like to do any ofthe things that I like, Right,
so that comes up a lot and wemight take offense to.
They don't want to takepictures, they don't want to
(39:17):
create the memories, they don'twant to go do the kiddie things.
I'm the one that has to takethe kids everywhere.
I'm the one that does all thethings.
If I don't plan it, it doesn'thappen, like, right, all the
ways that this shows up.
So, again, what is that aboutbeing curious?
They might not be good planners.
(39:37):
They might not be.
Let's be careful with that,because this has surprised many
of us, right, we think thatthey're not good planners, but
then they might do planning inother areas and in other things,
and we're like, wait a second.
So that might not be the realreason, right, even though it
might look like they're not goodplanners.
But so then this is the wholepoint of the exploration Maybe
(40:01):
they don't care to plan socialthings, or they don't care to
plan the types of social thingsthat we are pushing for.
That might be something.
Or we have a flavor to thethings that we want to do and
they have a completely differentflavor to the things that they
like to do.
So why are they supposed to doeverything that we like?
So there's a bunch I meanthere's a bunch of different
(40:24):
ways that this shows up.
And so, again, checking in andbeing curious about what is our
flavor, what is happening forthem, what's happening for us,
what is, what is, what are ourcommon themes?
And see if we could addressthat more directly in terms of
getting on the same page anddebriefing and just being more
knowledgeable about what isactually happening on one hand.
(40:45):
On the other hand, the morepractical side of this is to
create some kind of a rhythm ora cadence, because then it's
easier for them to show up.
If we are like let's go do thisor I plan this, and they have
their own ideas about what to door what they wanted to do or
whatever, they might not soeasily come on board.
And we do that a lot and I hearthis a lot, and so then the
(41:07):
thing is getting ahead of itenough, not too much, because
then we're controlling Right,and again I feel like we're
contorting ourselves to pleaseour partner.
No, we're meeting, we'regetting right, and again it
might feel like we're contortingourselves to please our partner
.
No, we're meeting, we'regetting our needs met.
So how do we go about planningin a way that serves us both,
not that undermines our partneror controls our partner or
(41:30):
pushes our partner or stiflesour partner, but allows them to
show up so they have enough of aheads up so they can be there
for us, or enough of a kid, andso that they know what to plan
and how to plan for us.
Right, that's the other thingthere.
Okay, very good.
Now, moving on to element numberfive and the, the ninth way in
(41:56):
which we may not be supported orin the way our partner might
not be supportive.
And that is, let me actuallylet me say this first this next
to nine and 10, this is theelement of collaboration.
These have to do with the morepractical side of things, and
(42:19):
when people think of theirpartner not being supportive,
this is usually what it boilsdown to it's like.
In the practical it's moreobvious.
People might be attuned to,like my partner's not being
supportive with my dreams, mywishes, my career or whatever,
like just in emotional or mentalthings.
But when it comes more to thepractical, this is where it
really shows up, and so this iswhere we wanted to get to into
(42:43):
this conversation.
So this is the one that peopleare usually curious about how do
we get support?
So number nine is the real,more practical things.
Like people might say, sure,it's okay.
This might sound very sexistand traditional because just
bear with me for a second Sure,it's okay that you don't stay
(43:05):
home with the children, that yougo to work.
That's one way they could playout.
But then when the person goesto work, they still have to do
all of the domestic.
They're still responsible forall of the domestic things.
They're still to blame ifthings fall through the cracks.
They still they feel guilty ifthey don't get to do things with
(43:29):
their kids, like there's allthese things that happen with
that choice.
So it feels that the otherpartner, the other partner, is
saying sure, you could do thisthing, it's okay if you do this
thing.
Sure, it's okay if you startyour own business?
Yeah, but then I started to doall of the house stuff.
Sure, it's okay that you goback to school and I'm still
(43:54):
responsible for everything else.
So where's the support?
Sure, you could go do the thing, but then that's not very
supportive, really, right.
So if, if there's no, there'sno having my back in the other
ways, like I'm supposed to, I'mexpected to do it all.
That's one way that this, thisshows up.
Let's see how else.
(44:14):
Sure you could go on thatvacation, but then I'm gonna
torture you for spending themoney, like things like this,
right.
So, like, sure you could do thething, but then there's this
thing that comes back to biteyou.
That's not supportive.
So the way that we deal withthat is that we address it in
terms of roles, collaborationand responsibilities.
(44:38):
So if there's clarity into howwe divide and conquer things,
regardless of the theme that Ishared.
Of sure you could go do thething, but then there's no
backup support.
This could show up in manydifferent ways and just in life,
how are we not supported?
How do we not jointly create ajoint life?
(44:59):
How do we address that?
And that is by dividing andconquering, by knowing who's
going to take care of what, andthat level of responsibilities
or assignments can shiftaccording to what's happening.
Right, there's a new baby,there's a new career, there's a
new business, there is a newwhatever.
So whatever's happening.
There's a new business, thereis a new whatever, so whatever
(45:20):
is happening.
Then the other person couldstep up what they take care of.
So there's room and space andenergy and bandwidth and all the
things for the new thing to benurtured.
So there is an equilibriumthere and there is a give and
take here.
(45:41):
Over the lifetime of therelationship you will take turns
where one time you do more thanyour partner in terms of the
domestic things orresponsibilities, because
there's something else happeningthat they partner and you
support in.
And this is also where Iusually say relationship math
doesn't add up.
We don't want to say well, youhave 30 items, I have 30 items.
(46:03):
Perfect, sure, I'll take fiveof yours, but then next month
you have to take the five backor you have to cover five of
mine.
We're not doing that right.
It could be a little skewed.
You could have like five moreyour whole life and that's okay.
We're not counting like that.
This is not how relationshipswork.
(46:23):
It's about having clarity onthe expectations and who takes
care of what.
So there is no friction and sothings flow.
You might have differentstrength and capacities and
bandwidth and time and whatever,and it's okay.
If you carry a little bit moreof the load because you might be
carrying the load in other ways, okay.
So please don't do thatrelationship math.
You'll get tripped up on that.
(46:44):
So, defining the roles, theexpectations, having that
clarity super helpful.
One of the downloadables thatI'm giving you has a whole tool
for this to help you assign andspell out all the tasks and the
responsibilities so you couldtruly share and create that
collaboration seamlessly.
All right, you're welcome.
(47:07):
And then number 10, this iswhere you know this is something
that I don't usually talk about, so this might be interesting
to put in here.
When we have partners or whenwe are the partner, who just
makes life harder.
Who the partner that breaks thethings, who loses the things,
(47:33):
who's always late, who doesn'tpay bills on time, who spends
all the money, who gets introuble in ways in life I don't
know right, who gets into thecar accident, who breaks
appliances, who gets hurt, who'ssick all the time, like just a
partner, who's just like gosh,darn it.
Something else that I had todeal with because of how you're
(47:55):
showing up.
That is very interesting.
I hardly talk about that.
I address it in sessions, but Idon't really put it in content
too much, and I don't even knowthat I address it in session,
that that directly.
Like I just said it.
That's interesting Somethingfor us, both you guys and myself
, to to play with.
(48:16):
But it came up here, right?
So how do we address that Ifour partner's being baggage or
if we're being baggage, right?
So if a partner is, gosh,making life really challenging,
what is that?
What is that about?
And so how do we have aconversation and how do we
(48:39):
approach this in a way that wedon't throw the person under the
bus, don't beat on them, don'tmake them feel bad about what's
going on for them, because allof this is unconscious.
Something's playing out.
You see, this is tricky and socan that be unearthed.
What is going on that thisperson is manifesting all this
(49:02):
challenge, this way of being,this way of having this human
experience?
What is that about?
Can that be explored at adeeper level with a lot of
compassion, with a lot of care,like what is happening?
How do we address this withoutsaying, wow, you are really
making life really difficult forus.
Figure that stuff out.
That's not what we're doing,right, just gentle and caring.
(49:24):
Like do we put therapy in place?
Do we do?
Do we put other mindfulness andother more holistic practices
in place to deprogram at adeeper level, To meet needs at a
different level, so that wechange that pattern, that
blueprint, whatever?
All the things that we're doingfunny there, so that we make
(49:45):
life easier?
So how do we help do that forour partner?
What might be going on for themthat we need to help put in
place?
What can we do to help breakthis cycle, this pattern?
What's part of how we'recontributing that they might be
manifesting in this way fromtheir side?
(50:06):
Like what are we creating in ourrelationship?
What am I contributing to therelationship that's creating
this thing, that this is what'shappening for them.
I'm not blaming you.
I'm saying what are weco-creating, right?
And the other way around whatare you doing If you're the
person that's creating all themesses?
What's going on, right?
Are you not speaking up aboutyourself, honoring yourself
(50:30):
enough, because you don't wantto rock the boat, because you
think your partner might notlike you because they might
leave you or whatever, andtherefore this thing's coming
out sideways?
You get the attention, the love, the care, all the other things
in this other way, and viceversa, right?
So there's a lot of things thatare at play.
(50:50):
So how do we address them fromdifferent places?
Okay, so that was number 10.
Again, this is a lot.
I am totally hooking you up.
You don't have to do everything.
You don't do everything at once.
This is just to identify, wow,which one of these things might
be playing out for us and whatcan I do differently?
How can I show up differentlyIf I'm being that partner that's
(51:14):
not being supportive, or if mypartner's not being supportive?
What can I do differently sothat I could get the support
that I need?
Not being supported?
What can I do differently sothat I could get the support
that I need and to help you,please grab the totally free
Marriage Breakthrough Essentialsbundle, totally there for you.
(51:35):
It has a bunch of differentepisodes to deepen into these
things and all the guides withworkbooks, exercises and all
practical takeaways to help youdo the work in whatever area you
need.
Okay, so please have your ownback and grab that for yourself.
Okay, so quick recap.
So let's see.
Element one commitment, and, bythe way, that's also a new name.
So commitment, and here's howare we all in?
(51:56):
How do we invite our partner tobe all in?
How are we growth oriented?
How do we continue to makeprogress?
How do we invite our partner tobe all in?
How are we growth oriented?
How do we continue to makeprogress?
How do we create the life thatwe want, right?
How do we not undermine?
That's what we want to work onhere.
Number two is communication, andhere's how do we align?
How do we not sabotage?
(52:17):
How do we not guesslight?
How do we not dismiss?
How do we feel more understood?
Here's where we grab all thecommunication tools.
There are plenty everywhere.
You could grab them.
Of course, all of our contenthas all kinds of things in there
for you about this on them Ourblog, our podcast and, of course
, the bundle has all kinds ofthings, so grab that and to help
(52:41):
you implement all the tools.
Element number three is the newlabel consciousness, and this is
where you increase awarenessaround what's triggering for you
, what's triggering for yourpartner, how your defense is
getting in the way, how youcreate a loop, how you get your
needs met Right All kinds ofthings about that, having
awareness about that and how doyou stretch to meet each other's
(53:05):
needs and so that you grow andyou heal and you create what you
want.
Number four is connection, andin connection is where we create
intimacy, where we create thatconnection, that fun, that
passion, the memories, all thegood stuff, the fun, and so in
(53:27):
here is where we put in a littlerhythm for nourishing ourselves
and each other and for showingup with that love easily, with
not so much effort.
None of these things need to beeffort.
And then, lastly, number fiveis collaboration, and this is
where we create the partnershipand where we make things happen,
(53:49):
where we create the legacy, themeat of life, the life that we
want.
And to make this happen, wecreate systems, we put things in
place right, so that assignmentof tasks and responsibilities
is one of the ways.
So, again, all of these thingsare covered in some of the
things that I put in the bundlefor you.
Please feel free to grab that.
And also, of course, you couldget more support.
(54:12):
You can find out how to workwith us in the description.
I put some links and someinformation there for you.
We have a package of sessionsnow at 30% discount.
That's massive.
We're totally celebrating 25years in practice Yay.
So we want to be here with you,celebrate, support.
(54:34):
You spread the love, and that'swhat that's all about.
So we would love to have youtake advantage of that and we
will support you on your journey.
Make all these things happen,all these shifts.
Now I would love it if you couldgive us a review, a five-star
(54:55):
review.
That would be fabulous.
If you could share this withothers who you think might be
struggling, or that you knowthat you're struggling, that are
struggling, that would befabulous.
25 years in practice, two yearsof podcasting.
I would love to have otherpeople have access to this stuff
.
I would love your support inhelping me support them.
That would be fabulous.
(55:16):
And, of course, feel free tolike this.
Leave us a comment, a questioncelebrate, celebrate with us.
Give me some blowhorns, I wouldlove it.
And um, also feel free tosubscribe and follow.
Depends on what platform you'rewatching this, so then I could
continue to support you in yourjourney and we could stay
connected.
Thank you so much for watching.
(55:38):
I look forward to seeing you atthe next one.
In the meantime, have afabulous one and until then, bye
.
Hello lovelies, welcome to another episode.
I am so excited to be here withyou today for two reasons.
The first one is that today'stopic is super empowering.
We are covering how yourrelationship creates a life of
success or a life of struggle.
A lot of times, partners thinkthat they're being supportive,
(00:23):
that they're helping theirpartners, that they got their
partners back and that they'redoing for their partner.
But are they really Right?
Their partners might saysomething completely different,
and so today we're going tocover how we might not be
supportive to our partner, butmore specifically, because
sometimes we don't worry aboutthat too much it might be
(00:43):
unsupportive.
We worry more about if ourpartner is being supportive of
us, and so I want to hook us upby addressing this topic from
that angle.
If we feel that our partner isnot being supportive, then what
do we do about that?
How do we create a shift?
How do we help them support us?
How do we invite them tosupport us?
(01:04):
Okay, so we're going to createthe changes that we want there.
We're going to cover 10different ways in which we might
experience our partners notbeing supportive, and they will
probably recognize how we're notbeing supportive of ourselves
as well.
Right, but we are going to see,okay, how are our partners not
being supportive?
And what to do to invite thesupport, to create the support
(01:26):
with them.
The other reason why I'm superexcited for today is because we
are celebrating the podcastsecond year anniversary, and
this year it's also ourpractice's 25th year anniversary
.
Practice's 25th yearanniversary We've been around
(01:50):
for a while and so honored tosupport so many couples in their
growth and transformation andcreating the relationship that
they want.
And the other thing that we'recelebrating is they debuted of a
new version of the successfulrelationship strategy, which
captures an up-leveled way ofworking with clients and the way
that we do our work that helpssupport couples.
(02:10):
And this new day and age thatrequires being a new kind of
human to deal with everythingthat's been happening, and that
requires having a new marriage.
That's what the work is allabout.
We can create a new marriage tohelp us do life the way that we
want and have the humanexperience that we're here to
(02:31):
have to have that meaningful andsuccessful life.
Now, what's a celebrationwithout gifts?
And so I have two things tooffer.
Things to offer.
The first one is the MarriageBreakthrough Essentials Bundle
(02:53):
that includes a curated list ofpodcast videos and a curated
list of downloadable guides tosupport you in implementing all
the things.
I'm going to show you how tochange today so that you can
create the relationship in thelife that you want with much
more ease, harmony, joy and, ofcourse, connection and love.
And the second gift, if you'reinterested in working with us,
(03:17):
is a package of sessions withfull access to the membership,
and it's discounted at 30% offof our regular rates.
For both of these gifts, youhave all the information below.
You have links and moreinformation so that you could
decide which one you want.
(03:37):
The first one is completelyfree, so why not?
You could totally just accessthat.
You just fill out the form andyou'll immediately get the free
gifts.
And the second one you'll getmore information how to work
with us if you're interested,okay, so without further ado,
let's dive in.
I have lots to share, lots toshare today.
(03:59):
So the first thing that I wantto highlight is that the 10
points that I'm going to shareare related to the successful
relationship strategy elementsand their updated version.
And so the five the updatedversions now include commitment
(04:23):
communication now includecommitment, communication,
consciousness, connection andcollaboration.
And so, as we go through the 10items, just know that each two
belong to one of those fiveelements and you could hear for
(04:43):
the themes in them.
When you address these things,the five elements will help
shift the whole relationship.
So it might seem like 10 littleloose things, but there's a
whole thing behind the scenesgoing on that will really hook
you up to create the changesthat you want.
Okay, so they're not justrandom items.
(05:03):
They are grounded in a provenprocess that it's been 30 years
in the making, by the way, guys.
So, as you could see, there's alot behind this.
So I'm making it as simple aspossible.
I'm going to give you 10 itemsthat you might recognize that
(05:25):
you're doing or that yourpartner is doing to be
unsupportive in yourrelationship and how you're
shifted, and they are related tothese elements so that when you
apply them, you'llautomatically be targeting the
five areas of the relationshipthat need targeting and
upgrading to create thetransformation that you're
seeking or the up-leveling thatyou're seeking.
Okay, hopefully that made sense.
(05:46):
We're going to jump right inReady.
So number one has to do withcreating doubt.
Now, again, you may recognizeyourself, but we're going to
focus on this from this sidelike that, you might feel that
your partner's creating doubt.
Okay, now, doubt could be inanything.
The one that's really harmfulis when we create doubt in our
(06:13):
commitment and the relationshipstatus.
So a lot of times when partnersare struggling, they might
throw out threats of separatingor breaking up, of divorcing, or
they might operate with onefoot out the door.
Right.
So they might be doing funnybehaviors that show you that
(06:35):
they're not fully committed,they're not all in.
They might be acting single.
They might be acting single.
They might be operating shady.
They might actually bebetraying you in different ways
or showing up in ways that don'tshow full care.
Right Again, you might be doingthis.
(06:58):
This might go the other wayaround.
But if your partner is doingall these things and you're like
, oh, where the heck is mypartner, why are they not all in
?
Then what we want to do tocreate this shift is to have a
conversation, and I know thatsounds simple, but hang on, hang
on.
I'm going to say more aboutthat in a second.
(07:21):
The other ways in which theymight create doubt, aside from
the relationship itself, isabout the future, about your
skills, your level of abilities,in your career, in your
business, in your parenting.
They might undermine yourself-esteem and your confidence
in all kinds of areas yourfitness, your wellness, your
(07:43):
diet.
They might be undermining allkinds of things.
Okay, so that's the thing tolook to look out for how they
create doubt and insecuritiesand lack of confidence.
Confidence how do theyundermine?
Now going back to thatconversation the conversation is
not about chasing.
It's not about beating them upfor doing this.
(08:06):
It's not about telling themwhat they should do.
It's not about telling them allthe things that you want and
how they're falling short, right.
So it's not a negativeconversation.
Instead, it's going to be aconversation around desires,
(08:37):
around what we want, around whatwe would like to see happen,
around preferences, and it'sgoing to be about sharing that
for ourselves and asking them,being curious about theirs.
So, if they are doing all thesethings that are undermining,
we're going to say, hey, youknow, these are my preferences.
(08:59):
I'm going to, I'm giving youthe short version of this,
otherwise we're going to be hereforever.
I want these things, this ishow I want to feel, this is what
I want to achieve, this is whatmy beliefs are, this is my
preferences, these are my dreamsand the way that things have
been going.
Don't feel that we might bealigned with some of these
(09:23):
things.
What are yours?
They might not be able toanswer you.
To have these kinds ofconversations is much better to
set up a date for it, to givethem a heads up of what you want
to chat about.
Don't say we have to talk aboutthe relationship, because that
freaks them out.
So you're going to say, hey,you know, I would love to just
(09:46):
chat about things.
Let's have a conversation aboutthe state of the union, kind of
thing.
Right, let's just kind of turnthe same page about things.
So it's not threatening andthat might even be threatening,
right.
So you use your judgment, yourdiscernment in terms of what
might be threatening or notthreatening in your relationship
.
Make it as least threatening aspossible.
(10:08):
So it's going to be a chat aboutstuff, so that they have an
idea that it's going to be adeep conversation and you might
want to say about dreams andgoals and visions and what we
want to create.
So they have.
So you're priming the pump sothey kind of know what to expect
and they might come a littlebit more prepared, as opposed to
like, oh, what are your dreamsand desires about life and
they're going to have no cluehow to answer you.
(10:30):
Okay, and then you're going toget frustrated and then you're
going to take offense to thatand that's going to become
information even more solid ofall the things, and it's going
to make it worse, right?
So you're going to be cautiousabout this.
You're going to be light andfun and curious.
It's not going to be heavy andintense and all the things.
(10:51):
Once you have both sets, orsomewhat of both sets, don't go
all intensive with like ahundred item list of yours and
they're going to be like I don'thave anything, and then again
that discrepancy is going tomake it weird.
Go in with a gist of the flavorof the things from your side,
depending on the topic.
Is it about life?
Is it about your fitness?
Is it about your career?
Is it about your job, yourbusiness, the kids, right?
(11:15):
So a general gist of yourpreferences.
Check in on theirs, thenidentify the gap and then
address the gap, because thatwill show you where they're at.
They might be in a verydifferent place than you and
they don't know that they'reundermining you.
They might not agree If it hasto do with parenting or
(11:35):
lifestyle things, they'reimpacted too.
So that's a little tricky,right, but that's the
conversation.
So how can we do this thing sowe both feel safe, so that it
works for both of us, so that weboth get what we want, so that
both sides are supported, yousee?
(11:56):
So that's the conversation.
So it's going to be curious.
It's not going to bethreatening.
You're going to explore, you'regoing to share, you're going to
ask questions and you're goingto find some kind of middle
ground this is the key Some kindof middle ground where the
other person could be all in,because if you're asking for the
(12:17):
moon and they can't even grab aspeck of dirt, you're not going
to get anything.
You're going to get a speck ofdirt.
That's not what we're lookingfor.
So when you make it easy forthem to give you what you need,
they'll give it to you.
If it's challenging, they can'tgive it, how are they going to
(12:37):
give it to you, right?
Okay, so that's number one.
Number two is now allowing yourpartner to be themselves.
Again, you could be doing this,they could be doing this to you
.
Regardless.
What it looks like is that apartner is telling the other
partner how they need to be, howthey need to show up, how they
(12:59):
need to operate, what they needto think, feel, do, follow up
with.
Do the other thing, how to takeout the garbage.
You know, like being in theother person's circle.
If you're new to us and youdon't know what that means, it's
staying in your own lane, likenot telling the other person
what to do, minding theirbusiness in a nutshell.
(13:21):
And what happens is that when apartner does that, the other
person is disempowered.
And so if they're telling youhow to do all these things and
you're feeling like, oh my gosh,you stopped controlling me, you
stopped telling me what to doand how to be, or undermining
who I am, or I can't speak up orbe my full self because I might
(13:42):
feel that you might reject meor not want me or leave me Right
.
So I'm either going to becontrolled or I'm going to be
abandoned.
And so how do we deal with this?
We set some boundaries.
The easiest way to do that isto keep in mind the idea of the
(14:03):
circles, which means it's aninvisible hula hoop around your
body.
Inside this hula hoop is allthe things about you.
Your partner has one, you haveone If you leave your circle and
you go in your partner's circle, in their lane.
You're going in their circle andyou're telling them what to do
(14:25):
with themselves and forthemselves inside their circle.
Your circle's empty.
You're disempowered.
Their circle's crowded.
They can't act for themselves,they can't have self-agency.
If it's crowded and you shutthem down, they're disempowered,
everybody's disempowered.
And so what we want to do iscome back into our own circle,
(14:46):
not tell the other person how tobe, not go in their circle.
And if they're coming in ourcircle, same thing.
We're going to tell them gentlyget out of my circle, right?
I don't appreciate being toldwhat to do.
This doesn't work for me.
This is I prefer that you tellme how I'm impacting you with
these actions or this behavior,or how this has, what this has
(15:09):
to do with you.
That's how this hurts yourfeelings or sets you back or
bothers you, right?
So two ways about this.
One if you're in their circle,that's how you disempower them,
where they feel that they can bethemselves.
(15:30):
So you're going to come back inyour circle.
If they're doing that to you,you can be yourself, you can
speak up, you can say your piece, you can be you, you can pursue
the things that you like, allthat kind of stuff.
You're going to gently tellthem to not do that.
But sometimes people are roughabout this and then the partner
(15:52):
takes offense and they can'thear the boundary and then it
creates worse things.
So instead we're going to askthem, like, what's going on
behind what their action, whatthey're doing?
Why are you saying these things?
Usually it has to do about them, right?
So why are they doing that?
And so if we find that, what'sbehind, what's driving that,
(16:12):
then we could address that moredirectly and we get them out of
our circle.
You see, that's the tricky part.
So you're going to tell them toremove themselves, but we're
going to address also what'sbehind that, so then it's easier
for them to stay out and theydon't have the need to come into
our circle, because whatever isdriving is going to be taken
care of, right?
So notice the way that I'm doingthis.
(16:34):
We can't tell other people whatto do.
We can't tell our partnersupport my life, right, they
don't know what that means andthey don't know how to do it.
But if we start analyzing itlike this, if we start breaking
it down into specific areas orthings or topics, or themes, or
by the elements, like I'm doingright now, by the relationship
areas.
Then you go more nuanced, go inand address the driver how is
(16:59):
playing out, how is showing up,how is this about them?
And we put something in placefor that and that takes care of
both of us.
Isn't this beautiful, right?
So that's how we create changeand that's how we create the
support that we want and thelife that we want at the end of
the day.
Okay, so both of those have todo with element one commitments.
(17:21):
So we're going to align, we'regoing to be growth minded, we're
going to get on the same page.
We're going to break anyimpasses.
We're not going to own eachother.
Get on the same page, we'regoing to break any impasses,
we're not going to own eachother.
And that's going to help us getthe support properly and have
that full end commitment and beall in and really have each
(17:44):
other's back properly.
Okay, the third way in that wemight not support our partner
and them us is that ininteractions or in conversations
, we gaslight or we're defensive, and again they could be doing
that to us.
And so what do we do?
(18:05):
This is very common.
People try to talk, addressthings and the way that they
show up, they're gaslighting theother.
Well, no, that didn't happen.
I didn't say that.
That's not how it is.
This is what you do, justwhatever.
All the ways that we do it, andalso we're defensive, right.
So that feel is very dismissive.
(18:32):
It denies our reality, itdenies who we are, and if we're
doing it, it does that to theother.
So we don't want to be therecipient of that or the doer of
that.
If our partner is doing that tous, then our job is to explain
how that's making us feel, feelhow that's creating a feeling of
(19:00):
being dismissed, of not beinghurt.
We're not feeling understood,we're feeling we're being
canceled, that the reality isbeing denied, all kinds of
things.
So we could share that If westraight up say well, you're
gaslighting me, or stopgaslighting me, that's not going
to work, because now you'reattacking your partner, right?
So I see this all the time.
That's what partners say likestop gaslighting me, that's not
going to work, because nowyou're attacking your partner,
right?
So I see this all the time.
That's what partners say Likestop gaslighting me, always
gaslight me, or I'm done withyou gaslighting me, right, so
(19:20):
that is not going to helpanything.
The partners don't evenunderstand what that means.
They don't understand the termusually, and they don't agree
that you're doing that.
They don recognize it, and sothat's not helpful to anybody.
What we're going to do insteadis we're going to say what this
(19:43):
gaslighting or theirdefensiveness is doing to us.
We're going to explain how it'smaking us feel and again check
in on what's going on for them,and we're going to try to get in
that middle way of how do wehelp you feel understood.
This is what I need to feelunderstood.
Both realities can take place atthe same time.
If I'm right doesn't mean thatyou're wrong, and if you're
wrong, it doesn't mean that I'mright.
(20:03):
That partners haveconversations to win.
There is no right or wrong.
Right because something's truefor you, it doesn't mean that
what's true for me can be truealso.
This is a both and situation.
This is because your experiencedoesn't mean that my experience
(20:30):
is not real.
Both of our experiences are real, and so our job as partners is
to acknowledge each other'sexperience.
Our job is not to say myreality overrides yours, right?
So how do we acknowledge whatyou experienced and how do we
acknowledge what I experienced?
(20:51):
That way, we both feelvalidated, we both feel
understood.
We don't have to agree or lovethe other person's experience.
They might be saying that Iexperienced you as this biggest
whatever, and we don't agreethat we're that person, and vice
versa, but we might be doingsomething that's making them
(21:14):
feel that way, that's givingthem that impression, and so
what's our side that we couldchange and address and do
different or address whatever'screating that impression for
them or that experience for them, and we can make requests for
them so that, so that they don'tdo things that gives us that
(21:36):
impression of them and thatexperience of them.
You see, so we line up on howwe see each other and how we
communicate without denying theother person.
Their experience is just asvalid and our job is to help
them feel heard, understood byus and to help them understand
(22:00):
us.
Now you might say like, oh mygosh, this is so much work and I
hear this a lot, but that'sbecause that's your side, that's
where the work is for you.
You can't do work on yourpartner's side, right, you do,
this is your side of it.
If your partner's listening tothis, they have to do the same
work, you see, so you both dothis.
If I was talking to yourpartner, I would be telling your
(22:24):
partner all this.
If I'm talking to you, I'mtelling you all this.
So this is the things that youneed to do to create change.
We can't wait for our partnerto do something different and we
just sit here complaining,whining, not being happy and
waiting for them to change andtelling them how they should
change.
We're going to be here forever,right, but if we take ownership
(22:44):
of our side and we do all thesedifferent things, we take care
of ourselves and them at thesame time.
Yay, so that's what we'reshooting for.
Now, whoever's listening to this?
If you're listening to thistogether, even better.
Then you each do your side.
When you empower yourself andyou're doing your own side,
you're empowered.
So, when you're owning yourself, you're empowered, and so is
(23:08):
your partner.
And then amazing Now you mightsay things like well, my
partner's not listening to this,I am.
And then I have to do all thework because they're not.
Well, the reason why I'm sayingthe things, that, the way that
I'm saying them, is because thisis where you have the power.
You can't tell them what to do.
You're going to be waiting along time.
(23:28):
But if you do thingsdifferently, automatically
they'll show up differently, yousee.
So they will still be doingthings differently.
That's the trick.
So by you being different, theyneed to show up differently.
They can't respond to you thesame way than if you hadn't
changed.
Okay, so we are incommunication.
(23:53):
Element two, the other one, sothis is number four.
The way that we don't supportour partner is by refusing to
repair and by disconnecting.
Now we might do that.
They might be doing that.
So again, we're here to getwhat we want right.
So they're doing this to us andwe want, we want to change that
.
So how do we do that?
The easiest way to address thatis to say okay, why are they
(24:17):
refusing to repair?
How come they don't want toapologize this comes up all the
time how come they don't want toprocess what happened and
address it or debrief?
How come they just want tosweep it under the rug?
How come they keep saying Ikeep bringing all this stuff up
and I don't get in, just can'tlet it be, let it go Right.
So partners say a lot of stufflike that, and so the key is to
(24:42):
ask for a conversation aroundwhat might be happening with
this.
So you're going to saysomething like you're not trying
to rehash the thing, but ratherwe want.
You want to be able to get onthe same page and you want to be
able to make amends and getback to good graces and good
feels.
Right, the key is to to setthis up so that it's safe to
(25:04):
have the conversation and toaddress what might be happening
and to make it sound inviting toget on the same page, right?
We don't want to keep fighting.
We don't want to be feel right.
We don't want to keep fighting.
We don't want to feeldisconnected.
We don't want to have all thisfriction and all this tension.
Can we get on the same page,right?
So it's not about rehashingthings or beating each other up.
(25:26):
So can we show that weunderstand each other?
That's how to go about this one.
So you're not going to say younever apologize, and I mean
you're not going to go afteryour partner, right?
So you might be picking up atheme here already that we're
not here to beat up on ourpartner.
We're here to address whatmight be happening for them, so
(25:47):
we could address their side andso that we could iron what's
happening in the moment, so,then, that they could meet us
where we need them to meet us,right.
So we remove the roadblock thatmight be in the way from them
showing up the way that we wantthem to show up.
So we address both sides bydoing that, you see, okay?
(26:07):
Moving on to element three,element three now, before I move
on, I want to highlight thatthese things might feel a little
either abstract or like I needmore on that and I don't know
what, how to do those things.
So that's why I created thecompilations that I did, so
you'll have deeper explanationson all this stuff through the
(26:30):
other podcasts that Ispecifically picked out for you
for this, and also the guidesand downloadables so there's a
handful of them to really drillin into perspectives and tools
and skills and resources, sothat you could really have your
own back and make these thingshappen.
Okay, cause there's only somuch that I could cover here.
So that's why I have additionalresources for you, so that you
(26:52):
could drill in into the thingsthat you might need support with
in any of these areas.
All right, so moving on to areathree, element three.
This has to do withconsciousness this is our new
label, by the way, guys and I'mlabeling it consciousness,
(27:14):
because this one has to do witha higher level of awareness what
is happening in our dynamics,how are we getting triggered?
And so, with this one, what wewant to address is our partner,
our partner's seeminglyinability to regulate right.
They just escalate, they blowoff the handle, fly off the
(27:36):
handle, they come at us, they'requick to trigger, they're
reactive, and it just makesinteractions or addressing
anything very challenging.
Like you might be working oneggshells and it's hard to get
things done, you feel you're notgetting your needs met because
you can't even ask for anything,because they just take it
personally and they freak outright.
So I'm sure you recognize howthis might play out, and so the
(28:01):
easiest way to address this isnot to go at them as you suck,
you have an anger managementproblem, you don't meet my needs
.
What's wrong with you, right?
What's wrong with you right?
Obviously that's not gonna work,and even if we say those things
gently like listen, you're soreactive and it's hard for us to
(28:25):
have conversations in whateverlike, even if you try to make it
more subtle, it's stillaccusatory, it's still negative,
it's still blaming, right.
So you don't have to use suchpejorative language or yell at
them or curse at them or saymean things.
Even when we're seemingly beingnice about it, there's still an
(28:50):
edge to it.
So let's watch out for that,because this is one of those
ways that we say, well, we'resupportive, but are we Right?
So this is one of the things.
And so what we want to do is howdo we help, not trigger them?
One and two, how do we helpregulate?
(29:10):
So this is one of those timeswhere, if we're mindful of how
we're showing up our ownpresence, the timing of things,
how we address things, that initself helps regulate.
You see, that in itself helpsthe other person show up easier
or not get triggered andtherefore be able to meet your
(29:32):
needs.
So, again, focus on your sideof this.
One, how do we not trigger?
Two, how do we help them meettheir needs so they're not so
triggerable?
How to self-soothe byco-regulating, right?
So there's all kinds of thingsthat we could do here so that
(29:55):
our partner is more solid and inthe solid, they could be there
for us.
And again I hear like holy crap,that's so much work, what the
heck?
It sounds like a lot, but inthe moment you might look at
something as simple as taking adeep breath when they're
(30:18):
starting to talk and when you'restarting to talk.
So just that different level ofenergy automatically soothes
the moment.
Right, it doesn't have to becomplicated, it could be as
simple as that.
Of course, we could take thisto all kinds of levels, all
kinds of depths, but in theapplication in and of itself, it
doesn't have to be complex orcomplicated or intense or
(30:38):
anything right, just presence inand of itself is huge.
So, please, I don't want you totake this conversation as, like,
you have all this work to do.
It's just being mindful of howyou show up, how you say things,
what are you doing?
I'm supposed to go in afterthem because in that approach
(31:02):
automatically is safe for them.
Then they could do their ownwork and then they could show up
for you differently.
You're not doing the work forthem, by the way, with the
things that I'm saying, I don'tknow.
Hopefully that's not comingacross that way.
You're just showing up in a waythat allows them to do their
work.
They don't become more reactive, more triggered, more whatever
by whatever you're doing, yousee.
So you do your own side, youshow, you're mindful of how you
(31:25):
show up, how you address things,and I'm giving you the ways to
do that, so then they could beavailable for you.
All right, the next one isnumber six.
We're still in consciousness,and this one has to do with we
feel that they're not meetingour needs.
We feel that they're not therefor us.
(31:47):
We feel that they're notstretching to cater care, show
care, show love, that they'rejust doing their side.
They focus on their needs, whatthey want, how they want things
.
Everything is their way ortheir highway.
They can't see our side ofthings or our needs.
(32:11):
So the most common way that thisshows up is that there's a
discrepancy between our needsfor space and connection, right?
So one part of my need space isthe one I need connection, and
they're seemingly opposite.
And so how do we meet both atthe same time?
Right?
And so if I need space, how amI going to give you a connection
(32:31):
?
And if you need connection, howare you going to give me space?
We get stuck there and a lot oftimes, usually people do what
they want, so I'm going to chasefor connection or I'm going to
run away from my space and wedon't meet our partner's needs.
And this is where people getall messed up.
And so this stretch comes in,by finding that middle ground
(32:52):
for having some kind of cadencefor meeting the needs for
connection or space.
Therefore, then you're notstuck with this immediate,
desperate needs for space orconnection because you're
ongoingly getting those needsmet and therefore you don't have
to worry about it.
My needs or your needs aregetting met.
(33:13):
You see, again getting tricky,but this is how we find that way
of making things work for bothof us.
So when we find that our partnerit's all about them and they
want to have their needs met andthey don't care about ours,
because at that point if we waitfor that last minute thing, it
is kind of like me or you, it'slike a thing for survival.
(33:37):
It's a good example the maskputting the mask on in the plane
or when you are deep ocean andlike treading water and you're
drowning, like in those moments,like you got to do, you, you
can take care of the otherperson right.
So we don't want to findourselves in those moments.
So how do we get ahead ofthings so that we can stay
(34:01):
mindful of our partner's needsIf we're pushed to the limit,
like that it's always going tobe our own self-preservation and
it's not fair to put ourpartner in those predicament
moments or for them to put us inthose moments right.
So being intentional about thisbypasses all of that.
Okay, now we're moving on toelement four, and we are talking
(34:25):
about the seventh way, in thatwe might not be supportive, and
this shows up by how we doconnection and I know that I
give the example of connectionin the other one and meeting
each other's needs, because Imean, that's usually one of the
(34:45):
biggest things that people comeup against, but it could show up
anywhere with any example,right, so you could just stretch
your imagination there or applyit to your circumstances and
see how you can find that middleground that meets both sides.
So the seventh way is actuallymore related to connection, and
(35:10):
so with this one, what we wantto do is be mindful of each
other's styles.
Right here, what usuallyhappens is that we think that
we're being supportive, that weshow up to all of our partner's
things and in all the way thatthey want us, that we are
stretching by, we want the spacebut we're giving them the
connection, or we wanted theconnection but we're giving them
(35:31):
the space kind of idea.
But at the end of the day, wemight not be showing up to the
things that are important tothem or in a way that is
important to them or that ittouches their heart, if we're
agreeing to go do something withthem but we have a sour puss in
our face whole time, or we'recomplaining the whole way there,
(35:55):
or we're mean to the peoplearound us while we're there.
We don't engage with peoplethere or whatever, right?
However we do these things, thendo we really show up, right?
You know, what's coming to mindnow is when we're in private
sessions and we're doingappreciations and partners.
(36:18):
One that's fairly common thatpeople share is how they
appreciate how their partnerswere good sports, how they did
it with grace and how they justshowed up full on, full in, and
(36:39):
how they made it easy and theywere easy to be with and
flexible and present and all ofthe things.
That's what I'm talking about,right?
So I know that you could do it.
Our clients who are strugglingin their relationship and
they're here to improve theirrelationship, they're having
this appreciation, so they aredoing it.
So I know that you could do ittoo, okay?
So the key here again is okay,why is my partner not showing up
(37:04):
?
Or why am I not showing up andthen addressing the thing?
So if it's a very specificevent that you don't want to go
to, I mean, that's prettyobvious.
But if we're talking about moredynamic things than events or
outings or moments, thenexploring, okay, why is this?
(37:26):
Why is it partner national andI might myself with my partner?
What is that about?
Is it because of how they arebeing that doesn't allow me to
show up and we have to becareful with it, because it
sounds like we're placing blame,right.
But is it something about ourinteractions that that doesn't
allow me to show up?
Or is it the way that I'm beingthat doesn't allow them to show
(37:48):
up?
Or is it something that's goingon with me, about myself, that
doesn't allow me to show up?
And so, and if they're notshowing up for us, then we're
checking what might be happeningfor them, for themselves that
doesn't allow them to show up.
But we have to be super carefulbecause notice, even as I'm
(38:11):
saying that I'm kind of catchingmyself like, hmm, it sounds
like we're blaming and so wewant to be very careful.
We just show up with curiosity,right, am I doing anything?
Or is it something going on forthem?
And checking, not in anaccusatory manner, but totally
gentle and compassionate andcurious.
That's always super important.
(38:32):
And then we address that thing,right.
What might be?
What might they be needing thatis keeping them from showing up
, or what can I tell her abouthow I'm showing up that then
allows them to show up for meand vice versa?
Okay, the next one.
This is more fun and this ismore about, like, why a partner
(38:56):
is not showing up to the fun,how they refuse to do all the
things that we like to do.
And this is when I hear thingslike we're not compatible.
They don't like to do any ofthe things that I like, Right,
so that comes up a lot and wemight take offense to.
They don't want to takepictures, they don't want to
(39:17):
create the memories, they don'twant to go do the kiddie things.
I'm the one that has to takethe kids everywhere.
I'm the one that does all thethings.
If I don't plan it, it doesn'thappen, like, right, all the
ways that this shows up.
So, again, what is that aboutbeing curious?
They might not be good planners.
(39:37):
They might not be.
Let's be careful with that,because this has surprised many
of us, right, we think thatthey're not good planners, but
then they might do planning inother areas and in other things,
and we're like, wait a second.
So that might not be the realreason, right, even though it
might look like they're not goodplanners.
But so then this is the wholepoint of the exploration Maybe
(40:01):
they don't care to plan socialthings, or they don't care to
plan the types of social thingsthat we are pushing for.
That might be something.
Or we have a flavor to thethings that we want to do and
they have a completely differentflavor to the things that they
like to do.
So why are they supposed to doeverything that we like?
So there's a bunch I meanthere's a bunch of different
(40:24):
ways that this shows up.
And so, again, checking in andbeing curious about what is our
flavor, what is happening forthem, what's happening for us,
what is, what is, what are ourcommon themes?
And see if we could addressthat more directly in terms of
getting on the same page anddebriefing and just being more
knowledgeable about what isactually happening on one hand.
(40:45):
On the other hand, the morepractical side of this is to
create some kind of a rhythm ora cadence, because then it's
easier for them to show up.
If we are like let's go do thisor I plan this, and they have
their own ideas about what to door what they wanted to do or
whatever, they might not soeasily come on board.
And we do that a lot and I hearthis a lot, and so then the
(41:07):
thing is getting ahead of itenough, not too much, because
then we're controlling Right,and again I feel like we're
contorting ourselves to pleaseour partner.
No, we're meeting, we'regetting right, and again it
might feel like we're contortingourselves to please our partner
.
No, we're meeting, we'regetting our needs met.
So how do we go about planningin a way that serves us both,
not that undermines our partneror controls our partner or
(41:30):
pushes our partner or stiflesour partner, but allows them to
show up so they have enough of aheads up so they can be there
for us, or enough of a kid, andso that they know what to plan
and how to plan for us.
Right, that's the other thingthere.
Okay, very good.
Now, moving on to element numberfive and the, the ninth way in
(41:56):
which we may not be supported orin the way our partner might
not be supportive.
And that is, let me actuallylet me say this first this next
to nine and 10, this is theelement of collaboration.
These have to do with the morepractical side of things, and
(42:19):
when people think of theirpartner not being supportive,
this is usually what it boilsdown to it's like.
In the practical it's moreobvious.
People might be attuned to,like my partner's not being
supportive with my dreams, mywishes, my career or whatever,
like just in emotional or mentalthings.
But when it comes more to thepractical, this is where it
really shows up, and so this iswhere we wanted to get to into
(42:43):
this conversation.
So this is the one that peopleare usually curious about how do
we get support?
So number nine is the real,more practical things.
Like people might say, sure,it's okay.
This might sound very sexistand traditional because just
bear with me for a second Sure,it's okay that you don't stay
(43:05):
home with the children, that yougo to work.
That's one way they could playout.
But then when the person goesto work, they still have to do
all of the domestic.
They're still responsible forall of the domestic things.
They're still to blame ifthings fall through the cracks.
They still they feel guilty ifthey don't get to do things with
(43:29):
their kids, like there's allthese things that happen with
that choice.
So it feels that the otherpartner, the other partner, is
saying sure, you could do thisthing, it's okay if you do this
thing.
Sure, it's okay if you startyour own business?
Yeah, but then I started to doall of the house stuff.
Sure, it's okay that you goback to school and I'm still
(43:54):
responsible for everything else.
So where's the support?
Sure, you could go do the thing, but then that's not very
supportive, really, right.
So if, if there's no, there'sno having my back in the other
ways, like I'm supposed to, I'mexpected to do it all.
That's one way that this, thisshows up.
Let's see how else.
(44:14):
Sure you could go on thatvacation, but then I'm gonna
torture you for spending themoney, like things like this,
right.
So, like, sure you could do thething, but then there's this
thing that comes back to biteyou.
That's not supportive.
So the way that we deal withthat is that we address it in
terms of roles, collaborationand responsibilities.
(44:38):
So if there's clarity into howwe divide and conquer things,
regardless of the theme that Ishared.
Of sure you could go do thething, but then there's no
backup support.
This could show up in manydifferent ways and just in life,
how are we not supported?
How do we not jointly create ajoint life?
(44:59):
How do we address that?
And that is by dividing andconquering, by knowing who's
going to take care of what, andthat level of responsibilities
or assignments can shiftaccording to what's happening.
Right, there's a new baby,there's a new career, there's a
new business, there is a newwhatever.
So whatever's happening.
There's a new business, thereis a new whatever, so whatever
(45:20):
is happening.
Then the other person couldstep up what they take care of.
So there's room and space andenergy and bandwidth and all the
things for the new thing to benurtured.
So there is an equilibriumthere and there is a give and
take here.
(45:41):
Over the lifetime of therelationship you will take turns
where one time you do more thanyour partner in terms of the
domestic things orresponsibilities, because
there's something else happeningthat they partner and you
support in.
And this is also where Iusually say relationship math
doesn't add up.
We don't want to say well, youhave 30 items, I have 30 items.
(46:03):
Perfect, sure, I'll take fiveof yours, but then next month
you have to take the five backor you have to cover five of
mine.
We're not doing that right.
It could be a little skewed.
You could have like five moreyour whole life and that's okay.
We're not counting like that.
This is not how relationshipswork.
(46:23):
It's about having clarity onthe expectations and who takes
care of what.
So there is no friction and sothings flow.
You might have differentstrength and capacities and
bandwidth and time and whatever,and it's okay.
If you carry a little bit moreof the load because you might be
carrying the load in other ways, okay.
So please don't do thatrelationship math.
You'll get tripped up on that.
(46:44):
So, defining the roles, theexpectations, having that
clarity super helpful.
One of the downloadables thatI'm giving you has a whole tool
for this to help you assign andspell out all the tasks and the
responsibilities so you couldtruly share and create that
collaboration seamlessly.
All right, you're welcome.
(47:07):
And then number 10, this iswhere you know this is something
that I don't usually talk about, so this might be interesting
to put in here.
When we have partners or whenwe are the partner, who just
makes life harder.
Who the partner that breaks thethings, who loses the things,
(47:33):
who's always late, who doesn'tpay bills on time, who spends
all the money, who gets introuble in ways in life I don't
know right, who gets into thecar accident, who breaks
appliances, who gets hurt, who'ssick all the time, like just a
partner, who's just like gosh,darn it.
Something else that I had todeal with because of how you're
(47:55):
showing up.
That is very interesting.
I hardly talk about that.
I address it in sessions, but Idon't really put it in content
too much, and I don't even knowthat I address it in session,
that that directly.
Like I just said it.
That's interesting Somethingfor us, both you guys and myself
, to to play with.
(48:16):
But it came up here, right?
So how do we address that Ifour partner's being baggage or
if we're being baggage, right?
So if a partner is, gosh,making life really challenging,
what is that?
What is that about?
And so how do we have aconversation and how do we
(48:39):
approach this in a way that wedon't throw the person under the
bus, don't beat on them, don'tmake them feel bad about what's
going on for them, because allof this is unconscious.
Something's playing out.
You see, this is tricky and socan that be unearthed.
What is going on that thisperson is manifesting all this
(49:02):
challenge, this way of being,this way of having this human
experience?
What is that about?
Can that be explored at adeeper level with a lot of
compassion, with a lot of care,like what is happening?
How do we address this withoutsaying, wow, you are really
making life really difficult forus.
Figure that stuff out.
That's not what we're doing,right, just gentle and caring.
(49:24):
Like do we put therapy in place?
Do we do?
Do we put other mindfulness andother more holistic practices
in place to deprogram at adeeper level, To meet needs at a
different level, so that wechange that pattern, that
blueprint, whatever?
All the things that we're doingfunny there, so that we make
(49:45):
life easier?
So how do we help do that forour partner?
What might be going on for themthat we need to help put in
place?
What can we do to help breakthis cycle, this pattern?
What's part of how we'recontributing that they might be
manifesting in this way fromtheir side?
(50:06):
Like what are we creating in ourrelationship?
What am I contributing to therelationship that's creating
this thing, that this is what'shappening for them.
I'm not blaming you.
I'm saying what are weco-creating, right?
And the other way around whatare you doing If you're the
person that's creating all themesses?
What's going on, right?
Are you not speaking up aboutyourself, honoring yourself
(50:30):
enough, because you don't wantto rock the boat, because you
think your partner might notlike you because they might
leave you or whatever, andtherefore this thing's coming
out sideways?
You get the attention, the love, the care, all the other things
in this other way, and viceversa, right?
So there's a lot of things thatare at play.
(50:50):
So how do we address them fromdifferent places?
Okay, so that was number 10.
Again, this is a lot.
I am totally hooking you up.
You don't have to do everything.
You don't do everything at once.
This is just to identify, wow,which one of these things might
be playing out for us and whatcan I do differently?
How can I show up differentlyIf I'm being that partner that's
(51:14):
not being supportive, or if mypartner's not being supportive?
What can I do differently sothat I could get the support
that I need?
Not being supported?
What can I do differently sothat I could get the support
that I need and to help you,please grab the totally free
Marriage Breakthrough Essentialsbundle, totally there for you.
(51:35):
It has a bunch of differentepisodes to deepen into these
things and all the guides withworkbooks, exercises and all
practical takeaways to help youdo the work in whatever area you
need.
Okay, so please have your ownback and grab that for yourself.
Okay, so quick recap.
So let's see.
Element one commitment, and, bythe way, that's also a new name.
So commitment, and here's howare we all in?
(51:56):
How do we invite our partner tobe all in?
How are we growth oriented?
How do we continue to makeprogress?
How do we invite our partner tobe all in?
How are we growth oriented?
How do we continue to makeprogress?
How do we create the life thatwe want, right?
How do we not undermine?
That's what we want to work onhere.
Number two is communication, andhere's how do we align?
How do we not sabotage?
(52:17):
How do we not guesslight?
How do we not dismiss?
How do we feel more understood?
Here's where we grab all thecommunication tools.
There are plenty everywhere.
You could grab them.
Of course, all of our contenthas all kinds of things in there
for you about this on them Ourblog, our podcast and, of course
, the bundle has all kinds ofthings, so grab that and to help
(52:41):
you implement all the tools.
Element number three is the newlabel consciousness, and this is
where you increase awarenessaround what's triggering for you
, what's triggering for yourpartner, how your defense is
getting in the way, how youcreate a loop, how you get your
needs met Right All kinds ofthings about that, having
awareness about that and how doyou stretch to meet each other's
(53:05):
needs and so that you grow andyou heal and you create what you
want.
Number four is connection, andin connection is where we create
intimacy, where we create thatconnection, that fun, that
passion, the memories, all thegood stuff, the fun, and so in
(53:27):
here is where we put in a littlerhythm for nourishing ourselves
and each other and for showingup with that love easily, with
not so much effort.
None of these things need to beeffort.
And then, lastly, number fiveis collaboration, and this is
where we create the partnershipand where we make things happen,
(53:49):
where we create the legacy, themeat of life, the life that we
want.
And to make this happen, wecreate systems, we put things in
place right, so that assignmentof tasks and responsibilities
is one of the ways.
So, again, all of these thingsare covered in some of the
things that I put in the bundlefor you.
Please feel free to grab that.
And also, of course, you couldget more support.
(54:12):
You can find out how to workwith us in the description.
I put some links and someinformation there for you.
We have a package of sessionsnow at 30% discount.
That's massive.
We're totally celebrating 25years in practice Yay.
So we want to be here with you,celebrate, support.
(54:34):
You spread the love, and that'swhat that's all about.
So we would love to have youtake advantage of that and we
will support you on your journey.
Make all these things happen,all these shifts.
Now I would love it if you couldgive us a review, a five-star
(54:55):
review.
That would be fabulous.
If you could share this withothers who you think might be
struggling, or that you knowthat you're struggling, that are
struggling, that would befabulous.
25 years in practice, two yearsof podcasting.
I would love to have otherpeople have access to this stuff
.
I would love your support inhelping me support them.
That would be fabulous.
(55:16):
And, of course, feel free tolike this.
Leave us a comment, a questioncelebrate, celebrate with us.
Give me some blowhorns, I wouldlove it.
And um, also feel free tosubscribe and follow.
Depends on what platform you'rewatching this, so then I could
continue to support you in yourjourney and we could stay
connected.
Thank you so much for watching.
(55:38):
I look forward to seeing you atthe next one.
In the meantime, have afabulous one and until then, bye
.
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