13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do – Parenting Red Flags: Are You Doing These Without Realising?

In this episode, we explore the powerful insights from 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do by Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and mental strength expert.

The book challenges traditional parenting by focusing on what to avoid, not just what to do. Each chapter reveals a common yet harmful behaviour that well-meaning parents fall into, like shielding kids from pain or giving them power over adults, and offers practical tools for raising emotionally resilient children instead.

We discuss how mental strength isn't about being tough, it’s about teaching kids how to handle discomfort, build confidence through failure, and navigate life's challenges with grit and grace.

If you're a parent (or ever plan to be one), this episode will reshape how you think about strength, discipline, and emotional intelligence in raising the next generation.

🎧 Listen now to find out which of the 13 traps you might be falling into, and what to do instead.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to the Summary State podcast.
Today we're embarking on a really a fascinating journey
into the world of parenting. We're not just talking about
what to do, but maybe more importantly, what not to do.
This is all based on a powerful book that honestly has reshaped
how a lot of people think about raising resilient kids.
We're doing a deep dive today into Amy Moran's 13 things
mentally strong parents don't donow Amy Moran, the author, She

(00:22):
has this incredible and deeply personal story that really
shaped the insights she shares. Her background is as a social
worker, as psychotherapist, and she was even a foster parent.
But then life just hit her with a series of really profound,
devastating losses. She lost her mother very
suddenly to a brain aneurysm. And then get this, on the exact

(00:42):
3rd anniversary of her mother's death, her young husband Lincoln
tragically passed away. He was just 26.
Heart attack, no prior history. It just awful.
I mean, can you even imagine facing that?
She was literally planning to adopt A child one day and the
next she's planning her husband's funeral.
She actually took a year off from foster parenting, just
navigating this immense grief. And then later, after finding,
you know, a new sense of normal with her second husband, Steve,

(01:04):
they faced another loss. Steve's father, Rob, was
diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away.
And it was right in the middle of all this deep personal grief,
this feeling of, you know, why me?
This is so unfair that she actually stopped herself.
She literally reminded herself that, wait, mentally strong
people don't feel sorry for themselves.
So she sat down and she wrote this list, 13 things mentally

(01:25):
strong people Don't Do really, as a letter to herself.
And that list, well, it went completely viral. 10s of
millions of reads. And the question she kept
getting over and over from readers was, OK, but how do we
teach these skills to our kids? And that, for you, our listener,
is what led to this book, the one we're focusing on today.
And that really is the core concept, isn't it?

(01:46):
What we're exploring here, this book, it's absolutely not about
shaming parents. It's not about making anyone
feel inadequate, not at all. Instead, you should think of it
more like, like a blueprint, a kind of mental strength
playbook, maybe. It's designed to help foster
genuine resilience in children. It's really about proactive
guidance, you know, helping kidslearn how to cope with hardship,

(02:08):
but productively helping them gain confidence in their own
abilities and truly understand that failure isn't it's not some
catastrophe. It's just a vital and often
pretty messy part of growing up.What the author really
emphasizes again and again is a profound, the really long term
impact of a child score beliefs.These are those deep seated
convictions they form as they grow up, right?
And they influence pretty much everything, how they see events,

(02:30):
how they respond to stuff, and they often become these
powerful, almost self fulfillingprophecies.
OK, imagine two kids, both troutfor the basketball team, and
neither makes it child number one.
Their corporate belief might be something like, I'm just not
good enough. So this leads to thoughts like,
I'll never be good at basketball.
I'm just, I'm not athletic. And they feel this wave of
sadness, rejection maybe, and their behavior, they probably

(02:53):
just kept the sport entirely. But child #2 maybe their core
belief is more like, I'm a capable person.
So they might think, OK, well, if I practice, I can get better.
Maybe I'll make a team next year.
They're filled with the determination, maybe hope.
And what do they do? They go out and practice every
single day after school. That incredible difference in
their outcomes? It stems directly from those

(03:15):
foundational beliefs, doesn't it?
It's an incredible illustration.Yeah.
And while the book says those core beliefs can be modified
later in life, Amy Morgan makes it really clear it's a much
harder task for adults. Right.
Like trying to unlearn decades of stuff you've always held to
be true. That's tough.
So this deep dive today, it's really about setting you, the
listener, up for success. We're going to some maybe

(03:36):
uncomfortable truths and surprising insights from this
book. And it's all aimed at helping
you become a more effective, like a mental muscle coach for
your kids. And we promise we'll try to
throw in a bit of humor. Plenty of real world examples,
too. OK, let's unpack this first big
one, the author kicks things offwith.
Well, it's kind of a gut punch, if you will.

(03:56):
Mentally strong parents don't condone A victim mentality.
Now on the surface, that might sound a little harsh, especially
when our instinct is often to sympathize.
You know, what exactly does she mean by condone A victim
mentality? It's a really powerful point,
and it absolutely reflects A fascinating and sometimes, you
know, challenging shift in how we understand victimhood today.

(04:17):
Traditionally, you know, you'd be considered a victim if you
went through a violent crime, something truly awful.
But the book points out that today we kind of live in what
some sociologists call a victimhood culture, where even
relatively minor offenses or perceived slights can lead
people to claim victim status and then the aggressively demand
that others stop offending them.It's almost like the smallest

(04:38):
bump in the road gets framed as this huge targeted attack.
A prime example the author uses from back in 2015 is that now
infamous Starbucks Red Cup controversy.
Do you remember that? Oh, vaguely.
Yeah, the plain red cups. Exactly.
Instead of cups with, like, snowflakes or whatever winter
themes they usually had, they just sold plain red ones during
the holiday season. And some customers were

(05:00):
genuinely outraged, like, truly offended.
They claimed Starbucks was waging war on Christmas, and
they took to social media just blasting them.
The irony, as the book notes, ispretty striking.
Past holiday cups had images like, I don't know, a dog
sledding, nothing explicitly Christian.
And even more ironically, these angry customers were, you know,

(05:22):
very loudly exercising their right to free speech while at
the same time trying to stifle aprivate business's ability to
express itself, even through a coffee cup design.
It's kind of a perfect illustration of how these
perceived minor offenses can getblown up into this huge demand
for others to stop offending. It becomes less about actual
harm and more about just a feeling of being wrong, no
matter how small it seems. That makes so much sense and

(05:45):
social media just becomes this massive echo chamber then,
doesn't it? Like a megaphone for every
little grievance, amplifying these perceived slights until
they feel like these huge injustices.
Absolutely. It's like pouring gas.
Lean on a tiny little spark. The book actually mentions some
fascinating research from the University of Leeds.
It vividly shows how easily a mob mentality can form, even

(06:05):
offline. In these experiments, they ask
people to just walk randomly in a big hall.
But here's the kicker, just 5% of the individuals who secretly
knew where they were supposed towalk were able to influence the
entire crowds movements. Yeah, the other 95%, they had no
clue they were being influenced at all.
So those online messages that start with they're

(06:27):
discriminating against us or this isn't fair.
Well, they can quickly gather support and suddenly transform
into this collective outrage, even over something quite minor.
Sometimes. It really highlights how quickly
a personal grievance can become this widespread, perceived
slight and then, you know, a demand for others to change
their behavior. OK, so given all that context,

(06:48):
how do parents inadvertently instill this victim mentality in
their kids? Because I can't imagine any
parent tries to do this. We all want our kids to be
strong, right? You're exactly right, it's
rarely intentional. It's often really subtle, almost
like a slow drip, drip, drip of messages over time.
The book outlines a few key waysthis happens, often totally
unnoticed. First, by role modeling A victim

(07:10):
mentality themselves. If you as a parent frequently
throw your hands up and say things like, Why do these things
always happen to me? When you hit a set back, or if
you're constantly complaining about how unfair life is, you're
kind of inadvertently setting the message that you're
powerless, You're a victim. And that kind of defeatist
attitude, sadly, is incredibly contagious.
Second, by feeling sorry for your child.

(07:31):
This one's tough because it comes from love, right?
But even unspoken pity or just an overabundance of sympathy for
every scrape, knee, or minor disappointment, it can teach a
child they are a victim, especially if they maybe have a
disability or have been through something genuinely traumatic.
It basically says, you poor thing, you can't handle this.
Third, under estimating a child's capabilities, constantly

(07:54):
focusing on what they can't do rather than what they can.
Doesn't matter if it's a physical thing or cognitive.
It limits their potential beforethey even get a chance to try.
And finally, by refusing to watch a child struggle, I mean,
it is agonizing to see your kid frustrated or upset.
Oh, it's. The worst?
It really is, but rushing in to rescue them at the very first

(08:14):
sign of difficulty that teaches them they have to depend on
others to fix their problems. They don't learn to find their
own solutions. It's like, oh, you're sad you
didn't get invited? Let me call the host right now
and demand they invite you. That last one really hits home.
It immediately makes me think ofthat classic learned
helplessness dog experiment. You know, the one where dogs
were subjected to these unavoidable shocks, and then

(08:35):
later they didn't even try to escape when they could because
they had basically learned that nothing they did mattered?
The book uses the example of Cody, a child with ADHD, and how
his parents initially believed his condition excused him from
doing work. Like, they thought because he
had ADHD, he just couldn't possibly do the same work as
other kids. And so, not surprisingly, he
just, he stopped trying. How does that devastating

(08:57):
concept apply there? That analogy is chillingly
accurate when you apply it to kids.
Cody's parents yet, despite their good intentions, had
inadvertently taught him learnedhelplessness.
They were in essence, sending this message that ADHD made it
impossible for him to succeed onhis own steam.
It became a self fulfilling prophecy.

(09:18):
But the really powerful part of Cody's story in the book is the
solution. There's a fundamental shift in
his parents thinking. They stopped viewing him as a
victim of ADHD and instead started seeing it as a challenge
he could handle. And once they changed their
attitude, adjusted their expectations, held them
accountable, Cody's grades improved dramatically, and he
felt this profound sense of empowerment.

(09:39):
It wasn't about denying his challenges at all.
It was about empowering him to focus on what he could control,
his thoughts, his effort, his attitude.
The book even draws inspiration from these incredible programs
like Kids Kicking Cancer, which teaches children with life
threatening illnesses, these mind body techniques like
martial arts and meditation to help them gain a sense of

(09:59):
control over their pain, their treatments.
And look if kids facing such extreme circumstances can learn
to take some control. There's always something your
child can control, whether it's a diagnosis, a bad grade or just
a social set back. That's incredibly powerful.
So for us as parents, what are the proactive steps we can
actually take? It sounds like we need to maybe
role model positivity more. Resist the urge to just vent

(10:22):
negativity all the time. Actively create positive change
through kindness. Maybe be assertive when needed,
like politely speaking up if someone cuts in line instead of
just fuming silently. Precisely.
It's about building those mentalmuscles right for our kids, but
also for ourselves. The book gives a great, really
relatable example with Holly andher daughter Lily.

(10:44):
Lily used to come home from school every single day and just
immediately launch into this list of everything that went
wrong. You know, the mean teacher, the
lost Cran, the unfair friend been.
There. Right.
And Holly, thinking she was being sympathetic, would listen
really intently and say things like, oh, that's horrible, I'm
so sorry you had to go through that.
But she realized she was inadvertently giving Lily

(11:06):
positive attention for being a victim.
So to change this narrative, Holly started asking, what was
your favorite part about school today?
Or start by telling me the best thing that happened to you
today. This simple shift in
conversation helpfully start focusing on the positive parts
of her day rather than just dwelling on the perceived
injustices and getting that pay off of her mom's focused
attention when she complained. It's about teaching them to

(11:29):
actively seek out the good, or as the author puts it, go after
the good. So as you reflect on that, our
listener, what stands out to you?
Are there any blue thoughts, as the author calls them?
Those thoughts that kind of stretch the truth or
catastrophize things, are those maybe contributing to a victim
mentality in your own family or even in how you view daily

(11:50):
challenges? It's a tough mirror to hold up
sometimes, but a necessary 1, isn't it?
OK, here's where it gets really interesting and maybe a little
uncomfortable for some parents, myself included.
Amy Moran points out that mentally strong parents don't
allow fear to dictate their choices.
It sounds so counterintuitive, right?
I mean, as parents, our primal instinct is just protect,

(12:10):
protect, protect. What's the hidden danger there?
It absolutely does feel counterintuitive and it is a
constant, honestly exhausting battle for a lot of parents.
The book shares the story of Anna, who micromanaged her 12
year old daughter Zoe's entire life just out of overwhelming
fear. Anna was so anxious about Zoe's
choices. I mean everything from her diet,

(12:31):
her bedtime, her friends, her clothes.
She literally controlled everything.
And as you might guess, this hyper control eventually led to
Zoe rebelling in like classic teenage fashion.
She even dyed her hair without permission just as an act of
defiance. And his anxiety was driving her
parenting choices. But they were serving her own
need for control and comfort, not Zoe's healthy development of

(12:54):
independence and self-reliance. It was kind of like trying to
keep a butterfly safe by keepingit in a jar.
It doesn't work. And this whole phenomenon is so
amplified by societal factors. The news, for instance, it often
makes the world sound infinitelyscarier than it truly is,
statistically speaking. I mean, tragic events like
school shootings are horrifying,and they rightly get our
attention. But statistically, your child is

(13:17):
at a much, much higher risk of being killed in a car accident
on the way to school. That's a sobering thought.
It is. Yet a 2014 survey by the Robert
Wood Johnson Foundation found that a staggering 40% of
Americans get stressed just by reading, listening to, or
watching the news. This constant bombardment of
anxiety inducing headlines leadssome parents to, you know,

(13:38):
extreme measures like homeschooling after a school
shooting, even when it might notbe the right education.
Every single decision. I remember reading about Lenore
Skenazy, right? She was famously dubbed the
world's worst mom back in 2008 just for letting her nine year
old son take the New York City subway home alone, something

(14:00):
that used to be normal. And the book also mentions
parents getting arrested for things like leaving a 7 year old
in a car for a few minutes on a mild day, things our parents
probably did all the time. It really shows how skewed our
perception of danger has become,almost pathologically so.
Exactly, it's like we've collectively become hyper
vigilant to the statistically improbable dangers.

(14:21):
And the book makes a really insightful point about how fear
is highly contagious. The author as a therapist keeps
his toy farmhouse in her office and it offers a brilliant
analogy. She noticed that kids who view
the world is relatively safe. They'll build fences around the
predators in their imaginary play.
Like the dinosaurs of the wolves, they'll see the mean
animals have to be locked up. But kids, you think the world is

(14:44):
a scary place filled with unseendangers?
They put fences around the farm animals to protect them from all
the perceived threats roaming free.
This simple imaginary play givesthis powerful glimpse into their
core beliefs about the world, and those beliefs are so often
shaped by their parents own anxieties and expressed fears
and the long term consequences of this kind of overprotection.

(15:05):
They're really significant. Young adults raised this way
often enter adulthood profoundlyunprepared for its realities.
Research shows a dramatic decline in resilience among
college students. Many struggle far more with
anxiety, depression, loneliness than previous generations did.
A 2015 UK survey even found thatyoung adults don't really feel

(15:25):
grown up until they're, like, 2929.
Yeah. Citing reasons like still living
at home, playing computer games,watching cartoons.
It's like the book says, you can't become a great guitarist
by just listening to the radio. You have to practice.
Kids need to practice dealing with distress, with minor
setbacks, with uncertainties, with boredom.
Even if we shield them from every single bump, they just

(15:46):
never build those essential coping muscles.
That guitarist analogy perfectlyillustrates the point.
So what are some proactive solutions for us as parents?
Because it really feels like there's a tightrope to walk here
between being responsible and being, you know, paralyzingly
overprotective. There absolutely is a balance,
yeah. And it kind of starts with a
little self reflection. First, think about what you

(16:08):
survived as a child. Most of us grew up without
seatbelts, no cell phones, playing outside unsupervised for
hours, and here we are. This isn't about being careless
now, but it helps to just recalibrate our perception of
risk sometimes. Second, actually try to
calculate risk by asking logicalquestions, almost like you're a
lawyer or something. Ask yourself, what would I say

(16:29):
to a trusted friend if they asked me about this?
Because you'd likely be less emotional, more objective.
Good tip, Ask. OK, what are the actual facts
and statistical risks involved here, not just the scary
headlines. And crucially, ask what are the
risks of not letting my child dothis?
Think about the missed social connections, the lost learning
opportunities, the chances for them to develop independence and

(16:52):
self efficacy. The book really emphasizes
teaching kids to face their fears, not avoid them.
This involves concepts like the fear ladder, which is a
brilliant tool actually. It's about incremental exposure
to overcome anxiety. You start with something just
mildly anxiety provoking and gradually work your way up.
Help them distinguish between real alarms, you know, genuine

(17:13):
dangers that require caution, and false alarms.
That's that internal anxiety that spikes even when there's no
actual threat, like for a big spelling bee, you're giving a
presentation. The author shares her own
experience with her foster child, Savannah.
Savannah desperately wanted to go to summer camp, But the
author, Amy Moran, despite knowing all the benefits of camp

(17:34):
for foster kids, felt this overwhelming pit in her stomach.
She was worrying about Savannah's temper, her social
quarks, just the unknown. Her own fear initially clouded
her judgement, even though she'dactually helped set up a fund to
send other foster kids to camp. But she recognized that she
pushed past her own anxiety, letSavannah go.
And Savannah had an absolute blast.

(17:54):
Felt like a regular kid for a week.
That anecdote just perfectly captures how our own fears can
really hold our kids back sometimes.
It really makes you think, doesn't it?
Are your choices, my choices, truly driven by a genuine
concern for safety? Or are they driven by those
creeping anxieties that might completely unintentionally be
holding our children back from growth and brave, really

(18:15):
formative experiences? It's a hard line to walk for
sure, but a crucial one for their long term mental strength.
OK, so that idea of pushing pastour own anxieties and empowering
our kids rather than, you know, enabling A victim mentality that
really flows into this next powerful one.
And this one hits home for many of us monthly.
Strong parents. Don't parent out of guilt.

(18:38):
This can be such a pervasive feeling for parents, can't it?
It's like this constant hum in the background sometimes.
It absolutely is, and it's a feeling that can just completely
cloud your judgement. The book introduces Joe, whose 8
year old son Micah was nearly £100 overweight.
Wow. Joe felt immense guilt saying no
to food. He constantly gave Micah second
or third helpings, snacks because he said he couldn't

(18:59):
stand to see him hungry. Or maybe when Micah, who is a
pretty savvy 8 year old, would deploy those classic lions.
Like if you love me, you'd let me have a snack.
Oh, the manipulation. Exactly this guilt and Micah's
expertly wielded guilt tricks prevented Joe from making the
best health choices for his son.Despite increasingly serious
warnings from the pediatrician about Micah's health, Joe's

(19:21):
heart was in the right place. Absolutely, but his guilt driven
approach was actively harmful and this kind of parental guilt
the book points at it stems fromso many common sources.
Social comparisons are a massive1.
Oh yeah, Facebook. Instagram.
Totally. We all do it, don't we?
Scrolling through social media, you're just inundated with these
Parent of the Year posts. Perfect family vacations,

(19:42):
extravagant birthday parties, kids looking effortlessly
brilliant. It all makes it look so easy.
And it leads to this constant keeping up with the Joneses
mentality, this feeling that you're just not doing enough or
you're doing it all wrong. The book even mentions Jennifer
Lopez, right? Despite her immense wealth and
staff admitting to profound mommy guilt, feeling like she's
never doing enough for her kids.So it's clearly not about money

(20:05):
or resources, it's about this deeply ingrained feeling of
inadequacy that so many of us share.
So how does this guilt driven parenting actually manifest?
What does it look like in actionbeyond just, you know, giving
into a snack request? The book describes 3 common,
almost insidious patterns. First, parents might fend off
guilt by taking drastic steps toavoid ever feeling like a bad

(20:27):
parent. This could mean denying
themselves any alone time because they'd feel guilty
taking a break, or constantly prioritizing their child's needs
to the point of self neglect. Second, they might simply
alleviate guilt but giving in totheir kids demands just like Joe
did with Micah for that temporary immediate release.
Right. Just make it.
Stop. Exactly.
Your child cries, says you're the meanest parent ever, and

(20:49):
it's so tempting to just give ineven if you know it's not in
their best long term interest, simply to make that immediate
discomfort go away. And 3rd parents might
overcompensate for guilt. Maybe a parent who yelled
earlier in the day let's their child stay up way too late.
Or a divorced parent becomes overly permissive during weekend
visits to sort of make up for the separation or perceived
shortcomings. These actions, rather than truly

(21:12):
mitigating the problem, just ease the parents guilty
conscience in the moment, but they often create deeper issues
down the line. That raises such an important
question, though. When your child pulls out that
puppy dog face or that classic you're the meanest parent line,
are you inadvertently teaching them that guilt trips actually
work? That emotional manipulation is a

(21:32):
viable strategy to get what theywant.
That's precisely it. Giving in teaches your child a
powerful but really unhealthy lesson.
It teaches them that whining, begging, sticking out that
bottom lip. It's an effective strategy for
getting what they want. The book emphasizes the profound
importance of parents learning to tolerate their own guilt.

(21:53):
Feeling bad doesn't automatically mean you're doing
something wrong. In Joe's case with Micah,
feeling guilty actually meant hewas finally setting healthy,
necessary limits with his son. Right.
The guilt was a signal he was doing the hard thing.
Exactly, it was a sign he was onthe right path, even though it
felt terrible in the moment. The author suggests talking to
your child about internal conflict, maybe using Freud's

(22:14):
classic shoulder Angel and shoulder devil analogy to
explain those competing impulses, teaching them about
making good choices. And crucially, the book
differentiates between instilling healthy guilt, that
internal remorse for making a bad choice that can lead to
genuine reparations or apologies, and damaging shame,
which is making a child feel fundamentally bad about who they

(22:35):
are as a person. Healthy guilt, she argues,
promotes growth and accountability.
Shame just damages self worth and breeds resentment.
It's a subtle but really critical distinction.
OK, this next point is another huge 1, and it probably feels
incredibly counterintuitive for many parents.
Mentally strong parents don't make their child the center of
the universe. What's the problem with

(22:56):
showering our kids with attention and praise?
Isn't that precisely how we build their self esteem and make
them feel loved? It's a really fine line, yeah,
And it's easy to cross over intounintended consequences.
The book uses the example of Carol and Tom's 14 year old
daughter, Brittany. Her parents just doted on her,
relentlessly showered her with unlimited attention, a constant

(23:16):
stream of material possessions. They thought they were building
her up, making her feel special.But what actually happened?
She grew up believing she was extra special and that the world
literally revolved around her. This doting led to her lacking
basic social skills like empathy, sharing, taking turns.
He struggled rofoundly to get along with other kids and
ultimately became both disrespectful and defiant.

(23:39):
Their love kind of misdirected, created a mini tyrant.
And this connects directly to what some researchers like Gene
Twangen, her book The NarcissismEpidemic, refer to as a
narcissism epidemic among younger generations.
It stems, the book suggests, partly from too much undeserved
praise. Instead of saying, hey, great
effort on the soccer field, you're really improving.

(24:01):
Parents are often prone to saying things like, you're the
best soccer player in the whole world.
No one plays like you. Right, the inflated praise.
Exactly, this inflated, unearnedpraise combined with the rise of
social media where kids are constantly competing for likes
and followers, it fosters a sense of self importance that
just isn't grounded in reality. And while parents genuinely want

(24:22):
to combat issues like body shaming and mental health
struggles, sometimes there are Attempts to shower children with
messages that they are perfect or always right can go wildly
overboard and paradoxically leadto insecurity rather than
healthy, grounded self esteem. I remember the anecdote about
Dave too. He overcompensated with his son
Nathaniel, because Dave himself had a really lonely childhood.

(24:44):
So he poured all his time into Nathaniel to ensure his son felt
loved, felt seen. But the University of Florida
found that kids who feel extra special are actually more likely
to become aggressive when they face criticism.
They lash out and blame others rather than taking
responsibility. And Nathaniel, despite all
Dave's efforts and good intentions, was apparently an
aggressive and defiant child in preschool.

(25:05):
It's almost heartbreaking. It absolutely is, and it
demonstrates how good intentionscan pave a very challenging Rd.
Sometimes the antidote the book suggests is multifaceted and
really rooted in reality. First, teach what they can give.
Shift the focus from what they can take what they deserve to
what they can contribute to the family, to friends, to the

(25:26):
community. Second, offer genuine praise and
affection. It's not about withholding
praise entirely, no, but making it accurate, honest and
specific. The story of Billy with his
speech issues is a perfect example here.
His parents, worried he'd be made fun of, showered him with
exaggerated praise about being the fastest runner or advanced
in math, even when it was reallyaccurate.

(25:46):
Yeah, this didn't build genuine confidence.
It fostered A superiority complex, making him disruptive
and disrespectful to other kids.He believed he was simply the
best and everyone else was kind of beneath him.
Third, treat them as a family member, not a special guest.
Kira's story with her foster parents, Matt and Allison, is
really telling. They initially rolled out the

(26:08):
red carpet every weekend, tryingto squeeze in as much fun as
possible during her visits. But they struggled to form a
real deep relationship only whenthey started including her in
the mundane family activities like grocery shopping, cleaning
the garage, doing chores, just the everyday fabric of life.
The normal stuff. Exactly.
Only then did Cure truly feel athome and like a real part of the

(26:28):
family. 4th Help them walk a mile in someone else's shoes.
Really foster empathy. Help them understand their
impact on others feelings. 5th Instill gratitude, maybe through
daily rituals like a gratitude jar or just simple thankfulness
for things we often take for granted like rain or sunshine.
And finally, teach school age kids to volunteer.

(26:49):
The book highlights some incredible young change makers
like Kayla Abramowitz who collected books and DVDs for
hospitals, or Jackson Silverman who packs weekend lunch bags for
kids who don't have enough food.These experiences provide real
world impact and a powerful sense of purpose beyond
themselves, and that is the truesource of healthy self esteem.
So as you listen to that our listener, what stands out to

(27:10):
you? Are you maybe falling into the
trap of over praising or overindulging, hoping to boost
self esteem but perhaps unintentionally fostering
narcissism or a sense of entitlement instead?
It's a subtle shift, yeah, but one with enormous implications
for who our children become. OK, this one truly hits home for
many driven parents, myself included.

(27:32):
Amy Moran emphasizes that mentally strong parents don't
expect perfection. Why is aiming for flawless
performance from our kids so detrimental, especially when we
simply want them to succeed to achieve their potential?
Feels like we're just setting a high bar, you know?
It's so counterintuitive, isn't it?
But that relentless pursuit of perfection, the book argues, can
be incredibly damaging. The book introduces Kylie, a

(27:54):
straight A student who, if she got anything less than an A+,
would have complete emotional meltdowns.
Her mother, Nadine, was apparently the driving force
behind this quest for perfection.
She was far more concerned with Kylie's grades and that external
validation than her daughter's internal well-being or emotional
resilience. It was all about the outcome,
the perfect score, not the effort or the learning process.

(28:18):
And this is a spectrum, right? On one end, you have the
Everyone gets a trophy just for showing up mentality, which,
while well-intentioned, can leadto a lack of understanding about
genuine effort and achievement. But on the other extreme, you
have these incredibly high, often unrealistic expectations,
like those famously set by Amy Chua in her book Battle Hymn of
the Tiger Mother. Oh yes, the tiger mom.

(28:39):
It's exactly Chua famously laid down rules like no play dates,
no school plays, hours upon hours of instrument practice,
believing that an A minus was a sign that something went wrong
and demanded fixing. The book points out that her
children, while they achieved academically, likely missed out
on critical life skills like conflict negotiation, which

(29:02):
often comes up naturally during play dates, and the chance to
learn how to bounce back from failure.
If they were never really allowed to fail in the 1st
place, they never developed thatgrit.
And it's not just academics or music, is it?
You think about the stage moms or the sports dads who seem to
be living vicariously through their kids successes.
The book talks about Doctor Seto, a pediatric dentist who

(29:22):
actually sharpened a buckle on his son's football helmet to
give him an unfair competitive advantage.
Literally cutting other players.That's insane.
It's horrifying. Or the CC show where a young
child performs and her mother's biggest thing is to get CC on TV
and known to the world, clearly projecting her own unfulfilled
dreams onto her kid. It really highlights how parents

(29:44):
own unresolved regrets. Their own unrealized dreams can
subtly, or maybe not so subtly, Dr. this demand for flawless
performance from their children.It's almost as if they view
their kids as extensions of themselves, like another chance
to get it right. That's a brilliant way to put
it, seeing your child as a second chance.
And the consequences of this kind of perfectionism are truly

(30:05):
dangerous. The book highlights socially
prescribed perfectionism, which is a chilling concept.
It's kids who believe others will only value them if they are
perfect. So they hide their fears, their
insecurities behind this facade of flawlessness.
God, that's pressure. Immense pressure, and it's been
linked to severe mental health problems, depression, anxiety,
anorexia, even self defeating behaviors like binge eating and

(30:27):
procrastination. Most disturbingly, studies in
affluent communities like Silicon Valley have shown a
soaring adolescent suicide rate,five times the national average,
directly linked to the immense pressure on kids to excel.
These children are never satisfied, constantly comparing
themselves to some impossible standard, feeling like they
never quite measure up no matterwhat they achieve.

(30:48):
It's just a relentless treadmill.
So aiming for perfection is so detrimental.
What's the alternative? How do we encourage excellence?
How do we encourage our kids to strive without implicitly
demanding that flawless performance?
It's about recalibrating our ownfocus, really.
First, look for subtle signs of pressure you might be
unintentionally exerting. Are you criticizing more than

(31:10):
you're praising? Are you constantly comparing
your child to other children or maybe to their siblings?
Are you treating every minor situation to be on a test, a
dropped ball, as if it's completely life altering?
Second, strive for excellence, not perfection.
Teach them to focus on putting in their best effort, learning
from challenges, developing a positive attitude rather than

(31:30):
solely on perfect outcomes. Third, help them look for Shades
of Grey in their thinking. Perfectionist often default to
that all or nothing, thinking I'm either a total winner or a
total loser. Help him see the nuances, the
progress, the incremental gains along the way. 4th and this is
absolutely key, talk openly about your own failures.
That's a hard one for some parents.

(31:51):
It can be, but share stories of your personal mistakes, your
setbacks, and, crucially, how you recovered and what you learn
from them. The book suggests talking about
Thomas Edison, right, Who famously said I have not failed
10,000 times. I've successfully found 10,000
ways that will not work. End Quote.
Or Walt Disney, whose early cartoons were rejected for years

(32:12):
before he created an empire. This normalizes imperfection.
It shows them that mistakes are part of the process, not some
sign of personal failure. Finally, for teens especially,
teach them that imperfections aren't bad, they're part of what
makes them unique. The book suggests a river rock
exercise to help them value their unique traits and
perceives slaws. The author even suggests

(32:32):
encouraging purposeful mistakes sometimes, like maybe a typo in
an essay that you then point outwith a chuckle just to show them
the world won't end and that they are strong enough to deal
with the discomfort of being imperfect.
It's almost like a playful exposure therapy for
perfectionism. This really makes you reflect,
doesn't it? How much of your child's
relentless pursuit of perfectionis truly theirs, driven by their

(32:53):
own intrinsic motivation, and how much is a reflection of
unspoken pressures they feel coming from you?
It's a powerful question to sit with, Yeah.
And one that demands some honestself-assessment.
Moving on, we come to a fundamental aspect of raising
capable humans responsibility. Mentally strong parents don't
let their child avoid responsibility.

(33:14):
Why is this so incredibly hard for parents?
Sometimes it feels like we're just trying to help them, you
know, ease their burden a bit. That's the insidious trap, isn't
it? We want to smooth the path, make
it easier for them, but in doingso, we often create a much
bumpier one down the line. The book gives the poignant
example of Chris. He's a young adult who, despite
being out of school, still relied heavily on his parents,

(33:35):
Jim and Martha, for virtually all financial support, basic
life skills. They hadn't taught him how to
manage money, how to cook, clean, just take care of
himself. Yeah, and Jim and Martha had
actually initially had lower expectations for Chris when he
was younger. They sort of believed he wasn't
as smart or capable as his olderbrother.
This set a precedent, making it immensely harder to teach

(33:55):
responsibility later in life, and they were literally paying
the price for it financially andemotionally.
And this isn't just an isolated incident, it's a growing trend.
Unfortunately, there's this modern phenomenon where very few
kids have regular chores. A 2014 Braun Research survey
found that while a whopping 82% of adults grew up with regular
chores. Wow, 82%.

(34:16):
Yeah, but only a dismal 28% of parents today ask their children
to do any chores regularly. That's a huge drop.
Why? Well, parents often rationalize
it, right? Doing things themselves because
it's faster, or maybe to avoid looking irresponsible if their
child forgets something, like delivering forgotten soccer
cleats to practice. Rather than letting their child
face the minor natural consequence of not having them,

(34:37):
we inadvertently enable dependence, often just for
convenience. And the book highlights the
truly extreme consequences of this trend.
Sometimes adult children profoundly unprepared for
college or jobs, leading to whathave been dubbed helicopter
parents evolving into snow plow parents who literally clear

(34:58):
obstacles for their adult children well into their 20s and
30s. Yeah, it's wild.
A Michigan State University survey back in 2007 found that a
staggering 32% of large companies in the US actually
hear from employees, parents. Parents calling their child's
boss. That's mind boggling, isn't it?
It's like they're still trying to manage their grown children's

(35:18):
careers. It truly is.
It's a stark indicator of how far we've drifted from fostering
independence. Sometimes the book emphasizes
the critical importance of expecting responsibility from an
early age, giving kids ample opportunities to practice, and
most importantly, being a role model ourselves.
It introduces A fascinating concept from a University of
California, San Diego study. It's about framing a child's

(35:40):
identity as being a helper. Apparently this makes them
significantly more motivated to assist than simply asking them
to help with a specific task. Oh, interesting distinction.
Yeah, When kids view themselves as inherently helpful, like it's
a core part of their identity, they're far more ready to jump
in and assist without prompting.This simple reframing can make a
huge difference in fostering a sense of innate responsibility

(36:02):
and contribution, making them partners in the household rather
than just passive recipients of parental service.
So as you reflect on this, our listener, what does this all
mean for you? Are you doing too much for your
child out of convenience, or perhaps from that familiar
desire to help, when in reality you might be inadvertently
preventing them from gaining crucial life skills and the

(36:24):
confidence that comes with mastering them?
It's a good moment for honest self reflection, isn't it?
OK, this next point often comes from a place of the deepest,
most unconditional love. Mentally strong parents don't
shield their child from pain, but why is protecting them from
every discomfort ultimately harmful?
Seems so natural to want to cushion their falls, you know,
absorb their sadness. It does, and it's a common,

(36:47):
incredibly well-intentioned mistake that can have serious
repercussions down the road. The book shares Julie's story,
which is quite poignant. She tried to shield her children
from the pain of her divorce. How?
By maintaining this unhealthy, almost performative relationship
with her ex-husband, even planning to have him at
Christmas and family gatherings when it was clearly forced and

(37:07):
uncomfortable for everyone. Awkward.
Very She thought she was minimizing the damage,
preserving their childhood innocence, but in reality she
was only delaying their grief, making it more complicated, and
preventing them from truly moving forward and processing
the change. It was like this emotional
deferment that just compounded the long term pain.
And parents often profoundly underestimate what kids can

(37:30):
actually handle, both intellectually and emotionally.
Take Addie, for example. Her parents withheld information
about her father's diabetes because they thought it was too
much for her young mind. But Addie, being a sharp kid,
overheard snippets of their conversations and imagine the
absolute worst. She came to believe diabetes
meant diabetes and spent weeks terrified her father might die

(37:51):
at any moment. Oh my God.
Yeah, similarly, lying to spare a child pain like telling a
little white lie about Ava's catgoing to live on a farm when it
really passed away. It ultimately damages parental
credibility and causes far greater heartache when the
truth, as it inevitably does, comes out.
Kids are incredibly perceptive. They'll often figure things out

(38:12):
and their imaginations will conjure far worse scenarios if
they're left in the dark than any age appropriate truth you
can provide. This sounds exactly like what
we're seeing in academia right now, that decline in resilience.
The book talks about that Chronicle of Higher Education
article, An Epidemic of Anguish,and that Jed Foundation survey
finding 50% of first year college students felt stressed

(38:33):
most or all of the time, and 60%wish they'd received more
emotional preparation for college. 60% and heartbreakingly
one in 5 turned to drugs or alcohol to cope.
It truly is like that analogy the book uses.
You can't become a great guitarist by just listening to
the radio. You need to practice.
Kids need to practice dealing with distress, with failure,
disappointment, boredom, anxiety.

(38:55):
If we're constantly clearing thepath for them, they never build
those muscles. That analogy perfectly captures
the core problem. If they don't practice, they
simply don't learn how. The book highlights several
profound benefits of allowing children to experience some pain
and discomfort. First, pain actually helps your
child recognize pleasure. You need that contrast to truly

(39:15):
appreciate the good times. Genuine happiness.
Imagine never feeling hungry? Then a delicious meal would just
be OK, right? Second, experiencing and
overcoming adversity can help them form stronger social bonds.
Shared tough experiences, whether it's a tornado warning
at school, the loss of a family pet, often time people closer

(39:35):
and forge deeper connections than constant ease ever could.
And 3rd, the relief from pain actually boosts pleasure.
That incredible aha moment or surge of satisfaction after
overcoming something difficult. Whether it's a nerve wracking
performance they finally nailed or finally making the soccer
team after being cut multiple times, these are the moments
that build true, lasting confidence.
So what can you do instead, our listener?

(39:57):
How do we balance this natural, powerful urge to protect with
the crucial need to teach resilience and emotional
fortitude? It's a delicate dance, yeah, but
it's doable. First, distract from acute pain?
Sure, like at the dentist or during a fresh breakup.
But don't shield them from all pain.
There's a difference between providing temporary comfort and
promoting prolonged avoidance. Second, tell kids what they need

(40:20):
to know, but not necessarily allthe gory details.
Aim for a mildly censored view of the world, as the author
calls it. The example of the Malaysia
Airlines Flight 370 is used. A mother tried to shield her
daughter from news of the missing plane.
But when the daughter glimpsed ATV report anyway, the mother
had to explain the reality. She realized her protective

(40:41):
layer was effectively torn. It's usually better to provide
age appropriate facts then leavetheir imagination to run wild
with far worse scenarios. Third, acknowledge their pain.
Say wow, I can see that really hurts, or that sounds incredibly
frustrating. Even if their reaction seems
disproportionate to the situation from your perspective,
this validates their feelings and opens the door for

(41:01):
conversation. And crucially, role model
healthy ways to show emotion. It's absolutely OK to cry in
front of your kids sometimes or share your own struggles in an
age appropriate way. 4th, Teach kids to distinguish between when
pain is a friend versus an enemy.
Pain is a friend when it tells you to push through tired legs
during a run to build endurance.Pain is an enemy when it tells

(41:24):
you you're running on a broken ankle.
Teach them to listen to their bodies and minds wisely.
And finally, encourage the expression of pain through
outlets like journaling, whetherit's an art journal for young
kids, a private journal for older ones, or even a parent
child journal for sharing thoughts back and forth.
All of this helps to build what the book calls their resilience
Piggy Bank, built through competence and helping others.

(41:45):
It makes you really think about how we can empower our kids to
carry their own proverbial weight, doesn't it?
What tough conversations are youputting off, perhaps out of your
own discomfort, that might actually empower your child to
grow stronger, more capable in the long run?
OK, we're moving on to another area where we, as parents, might
inadvertently hinder growth. Mentally strong parents don't

(42:05):
prevent their child from making mistakes.
Why do we, with all our good intentions, try so incredibly
hard to stop every misstep, every stumble our kids might
make? It often comes from a very deep,
almost primal place, doesn't it?A desire to smooth the path,
spare them pain, protect them from failure.
But as the book illustrates so powerfully, with Maria and her

(42:26):
daughter Taylor constant micromanaging, correcting
homework, scheduling every moment of free time, even
picking out her clothes, it led to Taylor's profound inability
to make even simple decisions and a devastating lack of
resilience. And Taylor didn't even realize.
No, Taylor didn't even perceive her mother's behavior as
intrusive. She genuinely thought they were

(42:47):
just a team, blissfully unaware that she was being robbed of her
own agency, her own chance to learn.
The book points out that helicopter parents have
unfortunately kind of become thenorm, almost a default setting
for modern parenting. This shift is driven by several
factors. Parents who are maybe latchkey
kids in the 80s wanted to give their kids more than they had.

(43:09):
The constant barrage of 247 newsamplifying every possible danger
and the increasing pressure for a competitive advantage in what
feels like a cutthroat world, which leads some parents to over
involve themselves in their child's every academic or
athletic endeavor. Like a domino effect.
Yeah, when some kids started having parents acting as their
personal concierges, it put immense pressure on normal

(43:30):
parents to do the same, just to keep their kids seemingly
competitive. It's kind of a race to the
bottom of independence. Here's where it gets really
interesting, because I think many parents deep down believe
mistakes are fundamentally bad, that they reflect negatively on
the child, or maybe even on us as parents.
What's the truth about that belief?
That belief is a huge hurdle, yeah, and it often stems from

(43:52):
our own childhood experiences, maybe being shamed or punished
for our own mistakes. So we project that fear onto our
kids, wanting to spare them thatpain, or a blow to their self
esteem, or even, honestly, a blow to our own reputation as
good parents. The book gives a powerful,
almost uncomfortable example with Seth, a 12 year old with an
explosive temper. His mother, out of her own fear

(44:15):
of broken items and disruption, would constantly pacify him,
give in to his demands just to prevent him from breaking
things. Because she assumed she had to
deal with the fallout, fix the broken stuff.
But only when she stepped aside and let him face the direct
consequences, like breaking his own TV remote and living without
it for weeks. Only then did he become truly

(44:35):
motivated to learn anger management.
He realized that the problem washis anger and he was the one
suffering the consequences. It wasn't something she had to
manage or fix for him. It was a profound shift in
accountability. Now, the book is very nuanced
here. It's not saying let kids run
wild. You absolutely prevent harmful
mistakes, mistakes that pose legitimate safety risks.

(44:57):
Right? Like a toddler playing near a
pool, or teenager smoking or engaging in reckless driving.
You also prevent mistakes that are harmful to other people,
like a child announcing who wasn't invited to a party or
posting offensive comments online.
That's about empathy and social responsibility.
And you prevent mistakes that won't teach a lesson because
they have no negative consequences, like jumping off a
bridge and by sheer luck, not getting hurt.

(45:18):
Those aren't learning opportunities, they're just dumb
risks. However, you actively allow
developmental mistakes. This means encouraging critical
thinking by not always giving the answer.
Instead of saying 5 + 510, ask, what do you think 5 + 5 is?
Kids remember more vividly, learn more deeply when they
figure it out themselves. The book shares that great

(45:39):
anecdote about Steve, the author's husband.
As a child, he boasted to his father, Rob, they didn't fall
once during his hockey practice.Right, I remember that.
And his father, Rob, responded perfectly calmly.
Well, I guess you weren't pushing yourself very hard then.
That simple statement, rather than praise, taught Steve that
mistakes, or falls in this case,were actually proof that he was

(46:01):
trying, stretching himself, reaching for his greatest
potential. You also debrief successes and
failures, turning every misstep into a learning opportunity, and
talk openly about your own failures, like Thomas Edison's
10,000 Ways That Didn't Work to normalize Imperfection and
resilience. Finally, recognize no mistakes
in imaginary play. Don't correct a purple elephant

(46:23):
or a green cat. Encourage creativity.
Let their world be boundless. You can even encourage
purposeful mistakes sometimes, like that minor typo example,
just to show them that the worldwon't end and that they're
strong enough to deal with the discomfort of being imperfect.
So what does this all mean for you, our listener?
When your child comes out and mismatched clothes for school or
proudly presents a BLOB like science project that doesn't

(46:44):
quite work? Are you prioritizing outward
appearance and your own comfort,or are you prioritizing A
crucial learning opportunity forthem to figure things out, make
amends, or just be their wonderfully imperfect selves?
It's a moment of truth, isn't it?
Next up, we tackle an area wheremany of us, myself included,
might use terms interchangeably.But the book argues there's a
vastly different and critical distinction.

(47:06):
Mentally strong parents don't confuse discipline with
punishment. Many of us see them as synonyms,
right? But they're really not, are
they? They absolutely are not, and
understanding the difference is really foundational to raising
mentally strong on kids. The book clearly outlines that
punishment focuses almost entirely on the mistake, and it
aims to make the child feel bad about their wrongdoing, to sort

(47:28):
of exact a price for their misbehavior.
This can be physical, like spanking, or verbal like
screaming, name calling, or public humiliation.
The book gives some pretty starkexamples of public humiliation.
There's that Barber who gives the Benjamin Button special
haircut to misbehaving kids, shaving their head like an old
man to shame. Them.
Oh my gosh. Or parents shaming their
children on social media for perceived misdeeds, like the

(47:50):
mother who made her daughter hold a sign saying she was
disrespecting my parents by twerking.
These are designed purely to inflict pain and embarrassment.
Discipline, on the other hand, is completely different.
It's about teaching children howto do better next time.
It's focused on long term growth, developing self-control,
and understanding natural or logical consequences and the

(48:10):
negative impacts of harsh punishments.
They're incredibly well documented by research.
Studies link spanking to increased aggression, worse
behavior later, lower IQ, and a significantly higher risk of
mental illness, depression, anxiety that extends well into
adulthood. Even just yelling at a child can
be as harmful as spanking, leading to behavior problems and
mental health issues, according to a University of Pittsburgh

(48:32):
study. And here's the kicker.
Harsh discipline, especially punishment that's purely
punitive, often turns kids into remarkably good liars.
Like in that McGill University study on the girl Olivia.
They learn how to avoid getting caught rather than actually
changing their behavior. And public humiliation, of
course, causes serious psychological damage, often

(48:52):
makes the negative behavior evenworse, and profoundly damages
that essential parent child relationship.
This raises a really important question for all of us then.
So if punishment doesn't work long term and can even be
detrimental, what does work? What are the actual tools and
strategies for effective discipline?
The book brilliantly shifts the focus to what is truly helpful

(49:12):
and constructive, first and foremost nurturing your
relationship with your child. This is the absolute foundation.
The book beautifully quotes a teacher who wisely said the kids
who need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways.
That's powerful. Isn't it warmth, comfort,
encouragement. Absolutely foundational.
Second, use appropriate consequences.

(49:34):
This is key. Consequences need to fit the
child's age and the misbehavior.A2 hour lecture for an 8 year
old? Developmentally inappropriate
and utterly ineffective. Like trying to explain quantum
physics to a goldfish. Pointless.
Exactly. Third, teach self-discipline,
helping kids learn to control themselves from the inside out,
rather than you constantly trying to control them from the

(49:56):
outside. In the example of Logan, that
middle schooler who created a Red Pass system to excuse
himself from class when he felt his anger rising, that's a
perfect illustration of a child taking ownership of his own
emotions and behavior. He was disciplined, not
punished. 4th reward systems canbe highly effective, especially
for younger kids to motivate positive behavior.

(50:18):
She earned tokens for respectfullanguage, kind touches, asking
to borrow things which you couldthen exchange for privileges
like screen time or a special outing.
Fifth, time outs for preschoolers are effective, yes,
but not as punishment, more as aspace for them to settle down,
regulate their emotions before rejoining the group. 6th, use
logical consequences for school age kids, consequences directly

(50:38):
related to the misbehavior. If they hit with a plastic
sword, the sword gets taken awayfor a period.
Simple, direct and finally problem solving with teens is
paramount. Empower them to find their own
solutions to challenges or missteps which helps them become
more independent, self reliant and accountable.
It's about collaboration, not coercion.
It makes you really think, doesn't it?

(51:00):
Are your. Discipline methods, primarily
teaching your child to simply avoid getting caught, to just be
sneakier. Or are they truly helping them
to grow, to learn and to change their behavior from the inside
out for the long term? It's a profound difference in
outcome, Yeah. And one that echoes for years.
Next, we delve into habits that might seem helpful in the

(51:20):
moment, offering that immediate relief, but that ultimately
backfires long term. Mentally strong parents don't
take shortcuts to avoid discomfort.
This feels like such a universalhuman tendency, doesn't it, to
seek the path of least resistance, especially when
we're tired. It's an absolute classic human
trap. Yeah.
And. Amplified for parents,
especially when you're just utterly exhausted.

(51:41):
The book introduces Nicole, who by evening was simply too tired
to enforce rules, leading to chaotic, almost feral behavior
from her kid. Oh, I feel that right.
She was constantly. Tempted by shortcuts?
Just to get through the moment, and this isn't just a mom
problem or a parent problem. The book highlights how even
incredibly successful individuals like athletes Marion

(52:01):
Jones or Lance Armstrong or a celebrities like Steven
Spielberg or Kevin Bacon who gotcaught up in Bernie Madoff's
Ponzi scheme, they were all tempted by shortcuts to success
or wealth only to face devastating long term negative
consequences. It's that age-old immediate
gratification versus long term gain struggle.
Common parental shortcuts are quite frankly everywhere.

(52:24):
And we've probably all been there at some point.
Giving candy to a screaming child in public for immediate
quiet, even if you promise no sugar that day.
Allowing excessive screen time for just 5 minutes of peace and
quiet, knowing it throws off their whole routine.
Or even, as the book points out,the concerning trend of some
parents abusing stimulants whichhave earned that grim nickname
Mommy's Little Helper for energyand weight loss.

(52:46):
These provide immediate, temporary relief from a problem
or discomfort, but often at a significant silent, long term
cost to the child's development and the family's overall
functioning. So what does this all mean?
The author breaks down. Two distinct types of unhealthy
shortcuts parents often take. Can you tell us about them and
how they subtly undermine our children?
Yes, she categorizes them very clearly.

(53:08):
As problem related shortcuts andemotion related shortcuts.
OK for example, imagine Molly isutterly tired of arguing with
her 13 year old son about his perennially messy room.
A problem related shortcut wouldbe for Molly to just clean the
room herself. Done that right, it solves the
immediate. Visible.
Problem of the mess, but it doesabsolutely nothing to teach her

(53:31):
son responsibility. An emotion related shortcut
would be for Molly to say take the family out to dinner every
night just to escape the messy home and avoid the inevitable
arguments that would happen if she tried to enforce chores.
This alleviates her discomfort, her stress, her exhaustion in
the moment. OK, I see the difference.
Both provide temporary. Relief for the parent, right?

(53:51):
But they inadvertently teach thechild that irresponsibility is
maybe rewarded, or that someone else will always step in to
solve their problems for them, or that running away from
discomfort is the answer. And here's a critical point.
Children learn directly from watching parents take the easy
way out. The book gives the relatable
example of Sam, a six year old who absolutely refused to sleep

(54:13):
in his own bed. His parents, desperate for sleep
themselves, would initially try to make him stay in his room,
but after enough crying and persistence from Sam, they would
eventually just let him crawl into their bed for immediate
peace and quiet. The path of least resistance at
2:00 AM. Exactly.
They're inconsistent shortcuts. Taught Sam a powerful but
unhealthy lesson that persistence in crying eventually

(54:35):
paid off. This then translates into kids
taking their own shortcuts in other areas of their lives,
perhaps copying homework, skipping meals to diet, or even
in more extreme cases, stealing if they see it as an easy way to
get what they want without effort.
What's the alternative then to these?
Incredibly tempting shortcuts because let's be honest,
sometimes the easy way out looksreally good in the moment.

(54:57):
It absolutely does. It's a daily.
Battle against our own fatigue and just the desire for peace
and quiet. Sometimes the alternative
requires A fundamental, often unwavering commitment to a long
term mindset. First, commit to long term
strategies, even if it means immediate discomfort for both
you and your child. That initial struggle.
It's an investment in their future capability.

(55:19):
Second, help children set goals by writing them down, breaking
them into smaller, manageable objectives, and actively
tracking their progress. This teaches the invaluable
skill of perseverance and incremental achievement. 3rd,
teach constructive mantras they can use to selfregulate during
tough moments. Simple phrases like Kee moving
my feet when they're tired during a game Oregon I can wait

(55:41):
when they're temted to interrupt, or I'm a tough kid
when facing something difficult like a shot at the doctor's
office. These become internal coaching
tools for them. 4th Warn teens about the dangers of shortcuts
by acknowledging the temporary relief they might offer, but
highlighting the very real long term risks.
For example, yet drinking alcohol might seem fun in the
moment, but it's illegal for them and profoundly harmful to a

(56:03):
developing brain, not to mentionthe potential legal
consequences. And finally, and this is
incredibly powerful, emphasize delayed gratification.
Stanford's famous marshmallow experiment.
It's such a timeless, powerful analogy here.
The marshmallow test Classic, right, kids?
Who could wait just a little longer for two marshmallows?
Instead of gobbling 1 immediately, they fared
demonstrably better in life decades later.

(56:25):
Higher SAT scores, less likely to be overweight, lower rates of
drug use. Teaching this persistence, this
ability to withstand immediate discomfort for a greater future
reward helps them resist unhealthy shortcuts throughout
their lives. It makes you think about how
often we opt. For that immediate peace, that
immediate quiet over the long term growth and character

(56:47):
development of our children, doesn't it?
Are you inadvertently teaching your child that the easy way out
is always the best path? Or are you modeling the value of
patience, effort and perseverance even when it's
hard? Finally, we arrive at a truly
crucial piece of the puzzle, kind of the capstone to this
entire discussion. Mentally strong parents don't
lose sight of their values. Now, this sounds

(57:07):
straightforward, maybe even obvious.
But Amy Moran argues it's surprisingly easy to get off
track. How does that happen?
It's incredibly easy to lose your way.
Yeah. Especially in the.
Daily grind the pressures of. Parenting.
The book highlights the story of15 year old Kyle.
He was caught cheating in a rigorous college level program
despite his parents consistentlysaying they valued honesty above

(57:30):
all else. So where was the disconnect?
The profound disconnect. Was that his parents while?
Paying lip service to honesty constantly emphasized good
grades, high achievement, getting into the best schools,
their actions, their consistent focus, and a very powerful mixed
message, leading Kyle to believethat achievement was paramount,
even if it meant cheating. He internalized that the real

(57:52):
value was the outcome, the grade, the acceptance letter,
not the integrity of how he got there.
And this phenomenon, on the bookargues, often gets fueled by
what she calls parenting competitions, especially
intensified by social media. The book gives an eye opening
example of Sarah's 8 year old daughter, Morgan.
She was incredibly rude about a birthday gift, scoffing that it
was only a card and not a real present.

(58:13):
Yeah, and Sarah, who had spent months.
Meticulously planning this extravagant party for Morgan
realized with a jolt that she herself had taught Morgan this
behavior. By prioritizing and pressing
other friends with elaborate parties over instilling simple
kindness and gratitude, she had inadvertently sent the message
that external appearances and material possessions were what
truly mattered. And here's a sobering statistic.

(58:37):
Harvard's Making Caring Common project found that while 80% of
teens believe their parents and teachers valued achievement or
happiness over kindness, 80 percent, 80% parents themselves.
Said their top. Priority was for their kids to
be caring. This massive disconnect between
what parents say they value and what kids perceive they value is
a significant, pervasive problem.

(58:58):
So what does this all mean for us?
How do parents lose? Sight of their values and what
are the long term consequences for their children when that
happens? It happens in several Subtle but
powerful. Ways 1st through mixed messages.
Just saying one thing and doing another.
Kids won't see a stark difference between you lying to
get a cheaper movie ticket and them cheating on a math test.

(59:19):
Dishonesty is dishonesty in their eyes regardless of the
scale. Second, think about sports
parents screaming at umpires complaining incessantly about
playing time despite saying oh it doesn't matter who wins it's
about fun and effort. Right?
The actions scream louder. Exactly.
Their behavior screams that winning.
Is everything the profound consequence of this

(59:40):
inconsistency is moral compass confusion in children.
The book points out that even college bound teens and star
athletes from seemingly good parents can lack a clear moral
compass despite outward appearances of success.
They learn to navigate life based on what they think they
can get away with, rather than an internal sense of right and
wrong, grounded and solid values.

(01:00:00):
So for our listener, what can you do practically?
To ensure your daily actions truly align with your stated
values. How do we get back on track or
stay on track and ensure our kids are learning the right
lessons from us? It begins with a deep and yeah,
often uncomfortable. Process of clarifying your
values. This isn't just some mental
exercise, it's necessary self reflection.

(01:00:21):
For instance, 2 dads might both say they value family, but one
works 70 hours a week to provideextensive financial security and
college funds. The other works 20 hours for
more immediate family time. Neither is inherently right or
wrong, but being crystal clear on your priorities makes those
tough parenting choices much easier and more consistent.
Second, continuously ask yourself what life lessons

(01:00:43):
you're truly teaching through your actions and decisions.
If your child wants to quit soccer mid season, what value
are you prioritizing? Honoring commitments or
following their passion and trying new things?
It's often a nuanced discussion,not black and white.
Third, consider creating a family mission statement.
Just like organizations have them, right?
Like a family constitution, kindof.

(01:01:04):
Families can create a guiding document.
A sort of North Star for decisions large and small,
posted visibly. 4th And perhaps most important, be a profound
role model for your values. So don't just tell.
Help a struggling neighbor, Volunteer together at a shelter.
Demonstrate kindness and integrity in your daily
interactions. 5th, Address discrepancies.

(01:01:26):
If your behavior doesn't align with your stated values, like
working way too much. When you say family is
paramount, acknowledge it, don'thide it, and make visible
changes to align your actions. Finally, talk about ethical
dilemmas openly with your teens.These are crucial, messy
conversations, whether to remainloyal to a friend who is doing
something dangerous or tell an adult how to handle a grading

(01:01:46):
error in their favor dealing with minor theft among peers.
This helps them navigate tough choices and develop their own
robust moral compass. Guided by your consistent
example, it truly makes you think about your daily choices,
doesn't it? Every decision, every reaction,
every prioritization are your actions shouting a different
message about your values then your words are whispering.
It's a powerful way to frame your entire approach to

(01:02:08):
parenting and really, your life.Wow, what an illuminating deep
dive into Amy Moran's 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't
Do. It's so clear that fostering
genuine mental strength in our children isn't just about what
we do, all the activities we sign them up for, or the lessons
we try to impart, but often, andperhaps more powerfully, about
what we don't do. The subtle enabling, the

(01:02:30):
well-intentioned shielding the unconscious messages we send day
in and day out. Absolutely.
The overarching message from this book the.
One that really resonates so deeply is that mentally strong
parents raise mentally strong kids by embracing the role of a
coach, not a dictator, not a rescuer, and certainly not a
personal assistant or concierge.And parents don't need to be
perfect themselves. I mean, that's an impossible

(01:02:51):
standard for anyone. Thank goodness, right?
Rather. They need to be committed to
their own self. Development to recognizing their
own pitfalls, their own triggers, and to modeling
healthy ways to deal with challenges big and small.
Because ultimately, your passionfor building your own mental
strength, for tackling your own discomforts and inconsistencies,
that is the single most important factor in encouraging

(01:03:13):
your child to grow stronger, too.
They're always watching you, always learning from your
actions far more than your words.
Think about that incredible, almost unbelievable story of
Rick and Judy Hoyt and their sonRick that the book shares.
When Rick was born back in 1962,he was diagnosed with cerebral
palsy and tragically, doctors told his parents to

(01:03:33):
institutionalized him, basicallydismissing him as a vegetable.
Unbelievable. Just awful.
But his? Parents Rick and Judy, they
refused. They brought him home.
They raised him like a regular child.
They taught him to communicate with a specialized computer even
when everyone said it was impossible, fought for him to
attend public school, and enabled him to earn a degree
from Boston University. And then Rick and his father

(01:03:55):
Dick went on to complete countless marathons and
triathlons together with Dick pushing Rick in a custom
wheelchair or towing him in a boat.
Team Hoyt. Legendary.
Absolutely legendary. They didn't shield him, they
challenged. Him to become his absolute best
self, defying every single expectation society had placed
on him. That for me is the ultimate
illustration of committed, mentally strong parenting.

(01:04:18):
Not protecting from all pain, but empowering their child to
navigate and conquer it. That's such an incredibly
inspiring story. It truly reinforces the idea of
the parents evolving role doesn't it?
Moving from telling to asking, from simply giving answers to
helping our kids find their own answers, empowering them to
eventually coach themselves. As Amy Moran wisely says, your

(01:04:40):
ultimate goal as a parent shouldbe to work yourself out of a
job, to raise capable, resilientadults who can stand on their
own 2 feet. So as you reflect on this deep
dive, consider this provocative thought for your weak.
If your child were to write a book about the 13 things
mentally strong parents don't do, based solely on your
actions, your daily choices, your reactions to life's ups and

(01:05:00):
downs, what would be on their list?
And what surprising lessons, what they say you taught them
about mental strength, perhaps without you even realizing it.
Thank you for joining us on the Summary State podcast.
Until next time, keep learning, keep growing, and keep deep
diving into what truly matters.