Kid Confidence - The Surprising Truth About Helping Kids Feel Capable - Summary State Podcast

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to the Summary State podcast.
Have you ever seen your child's face just cloud over, maybe
tears welling up as they say, I can't do it.
Oh, definitely. Or maybe it's that really quiet,
heartbreaking whisper Nobody likes me.
Yeah, and as parents, you've probably felt that that
wrenching pang of helplessness, right?
You want nothing more than to just scoop them up and fix

(00:20):
everything. It's such a universal
experience, that feeling, that moment when you just want to
smooth away all their struggles make it all OK.
But what if in our really well meaning attempts to fix it, we
actually, well, maybe accidentally make things a
little more complicated? Or even make things backfire
entirely. Exactly.
That's precisely what we're going to explore today.

(00:42):
We're embarking on a deep dive into Eileen Kennedy Moore's
really fantastic book, Kid Confidence.
Help your child make friends, build resilience and develop
real self esteem. Oh it's such a great book.
It offers this really refreshingresearch backed approach to
nurturing what the author calls genuine confidence in children.
And it really challenges some, you know, deeply ingrained ideas

(01:05):
about self esteem that maybe a lot of us grew up with.
Totally ideas that are, frankly,still kind of floating around in
popular culture. So our mission today is to
really unpack what real self esteem means.
We want to move beyond the sort of fluff and get into the
practical stuff. We'll explore how this
fundamental sense of self subtlyevolves as kids grow, and then
hopefully arm you with actionable, sometimes surprising

(01:27):
strategies. Centered around the author's 3
crucial sees, connection, competence and choice.
Get ready for some serious aha moments, because this book
really does flip some common wisdom on its head.
We're actually going to skim thesurface here.
We're going to dig into how our everyday interactions, you know,
the small moments and the big ones, can truly build a deep,
unshakable foundation for confidence rather than just a

(01:50):
sort of superficial boost. OK, let's unpack this.
Our journey starts with a look back at something that really
profoundly shaped how we thoughtabout kids and confidence.
It's the origin, and maybe surprisingly, the kind of
unraveling of the self esteem movement.
Yeah, it's a fascinating bit of social history, isn't it?
Back in the 1980s, there was this incredibly pervasive idea.

(02:12):
I mean, California even set up atask force on self esteem in 86.
Wow. Yeah.
The widespread hope was basically that if we simply
boosted everyone's self esteem, it would act like a kind of
mental vaccine. A mental vaccine against what?
Well, against a whole host of societal ills, things like
crime, teen pregnancy, drug abuse, the list goes on.

(02:33):
Right. And in schools the belief was
OK, a higher self esteem will just magically translate into
higher movement, better grades, better test scores.
It sounded so promising, didn't it?
It? Really did this idea that if we
just made kids feel good about themselves, everything else
would sort of naturally fall into place.
It felt very intuitive at the time.
But here's where it gets, well, really interesting because the

(02:54):
research that followed started to reveal some very surprising
and honestly counterintuitive downsides.
For instance, some studies startlooking at parents who
consistently overvalued their children.
Overvalued. What does that mean exactly?
It means they used phrases like,you know, my child is more
special than other children or deserves something extra in

(03:16):
life, things like that. And what those researchers found
was that these kids later on actually scored higher on tests
measuring narcissism. Narcissism.
Wow, that's quite a jarring outcome when you're aiming for
confidence, isn't it it? Really is.
It's like like aiming for a flower garden and accidentally
growing a field of thorny weeds or something.
Yeah, that's a good way to put it.

(03:37):
And it wasn't just an isolated finding.
Broader analysis looking at studies across decades revealed
that narcissism rates among American teens actually surged
pretty dramatically over about 30 years.
And at the same time, empathy levels may be unsurprisingly
dropped by a really significant amount.
That really makes you pause, doesn't it?

(03:57):
Makes you consider the sort of societal shifts happening and
the impact of maybe our well-intentioned parenting.
It absolutely does and the book highlights some really pivotal
research. Bellmeister and his colleagues,
I think they concluded that higher self esteem simply does
not cause better school performance.
It doesn't prevent risky behaviors like smoking or drug

(04:19):
use, and it doesn't even necessarily lead to healthier
relationships. In fact, then this might really
surprise you. Studies show that bullies often
have quite high self esteem. That pretty much blows the whole
mental vaccine theory right out of the water, doesn't it?
It just shows how a seemingly good idea may be taken too far.
Misunderstood can lead to these unintended negative

(04:41):
consequences. And Speaking of things that
backfire, the book offers a really pointed critique of what
it calls the love ourselves nonsense.
Oh yeah. You know the self help guru is
telling you to stand in front ofthe mirror every morning and say
I love myself. I'm amazing.
Yes, the author really cuts through that.
She points out pretty bluntly that if your goal is genuine
connection and presence in the world, constantly focusing

(05:05):
inward on how wonderful you are,well, it isn't really helping.
I mean, think about it, who genuinely wants to spend loads
of time with someone who constantly needs to remind
themselves, and maybe everyone else of their own wonderfulness?
Yeah, that self absorption rather than genuine self worth
can actually be quite off putting in real relationships,

(05:27):
can it? Definitely, it sort of isolates
you. And the book highlights another
insidious trap, how trying too hard to protect self esteem can
backfire, leading to something psychologists call self
handicapping. Self handicapping.
OK, what's that about? It's where you intentionally,
sometimes maybe even unconsciously, set up excuses
for potential failure before it happens.

(05:47):
So imagine a student right? They're feeling really anxious
about, say, a big math test. Instead of studying hard or
maybe asking the teacher for help, which would be
constructive, they might deliberately procrastinate or
play video games all night, stayup super late watching TV
knowing they'll be exhausted. Right.
And the motivation here isn't just laziness, it's like a

(06:08):
strategic move for their ego, isn't it?
Exactly. It's totally strategic, though
maybe not consciously so. If they do badly on the test
they can always say Oh well, I didn't have enough time to study
or I was just too tired. Instead of facing the deeper,
maybe more painful possibility that they just didn't understand
the material, it's like creatinga mental parachute for their

(06:30):
ego, A quick escape hatch. That's a perfect analogy.
A mental parachute. But that parachute keeps them
from ever truly stretching or learning or facing challenges
head on. They never find out what they're
really capable. Of and they keep using the
parachute. They do.
Research consistently shows the high cost of this endless
pursuit of self esteem. Kids and adults too caught in

(06:52):
this trap might resort to other self defeating strategies like
cheating or lying about mistakes, hiding their
abilities, avoiding challenges, or constantly blaming others.
It sounds exhausting. It is.
It's an exhausting and really limiting way to live because
you're always trying to manage this external perception rather
than building actual internal strength.

(07:13):
So if all these traditional selfesteem boosting strategies don't
work and maybe even backfire, why not?
The book offers a really compelling explanation that,
well, once you hear it, it just clicks.
Simply telling a child who already has low self esteem
you're a lovable person or you're wonderful can actually
make them feel worse. That's exactly right, because
for a child who already deeply believes they are not lovable,

(07:35):
hearing that positive statement doesn't magically change their
mind. Instead, it just highlights the
painful, glaring disconnect between what you're saying and
their own inner conviction that it's untrue.
Yeah, the author describes it asbeing like pouring glitter on a
wound. It might look pretty for a
second, but it certainly doesn'theal the underlying issue.

(07:56):
It just makes the wound more visible and frankly, more
painful. Wow, and it gets even more
complicated, which I found trulyfascinating.
For kids who already struggle with low self esteem.
Success itself can actually feelthreatening, right?
You'd think achieving something would build their confidence,
wouldn't you? Yeah, absolutely.
But if they succeed, especially if they have low self esteem, it

(08:18):
often just raises the bar. It increases the pressure to
maintain that performance, to repeat that success.
And that can intensify their misery.
It really can. They might think, Oh no, now
everyone expects this from me all the time.
What if I can't do it again? What if that was just a fluke?
Which brings us to the core, maybe even revolutionary,
message of the book. What real self esteem truly

(08:39):
looks like. The key, the author argues, is
to move beyond self focus. It's not about constantly
believing you're special or wonderful or needing to prove
yourself. It's about being able to let go
of that nagging, exhausting question, Am I good enough?
Am I smart enough? Am I liked enough?
Yeah, just letting go of that constant self evaluation.

(09:00):
I absolutely love the analogy the author uses here, it really
clarifies everything for me. Think about spending time with a
really close friend, right? Someone you trust you genuinely
enjoy being with. When you're truly engaged in a
conversation or an activity withthem, you're not sitting there
wondering, do they like me? Am I impressive enough?
Are they secretly judging my shoes?
Laugh softly. No, hopefully not.

(09:23):
Right. Those questions don't even come
up because you're fully absorbedin the moment, focused outward
on the interaction on the other person.
Real self esteem, then, is aboutcultivating this fully engaged
presence in whatever you're doing right now.
It's about being present, not constantly self evaluating.
That analogy is so powerful because it fundamentally shifts

(09:45):
the perspective, doesn't it? Yeah.
It's not about looking through an internal, often critical lens
anymore. It's about engagement with the
world. And this leads us directly to
the books. Brilliantly simple yet
profoundly effective framework for cultivating real self
esteem. The three crucial CS the.
Three CS. Connection, competence, and

(10:07):
choice. The author persuasively argues
that when children are able to fulfill these fundamental human
needs, they are naturally pulledbeyond unhealthy self focus and
real, durable self esteem just begins to flourish.
It makes so much sense because it grounds self esteem and
action and interaction rather than just internal feeling.
It's about doing and being, not just thinking about yourself all

(10:28):
the time. It really does.
And it's vital to understand that this sense of self esteem
isn't some fixed state, right? It's dynamic.
It changes as children grow and develop.
So let's talk about how kids self esteem progresses through
these fascinating, sometimes pretty challenging, different
ages. OK, the book notes that self
esteem actually tends to be almost unrealistically high in

(10:49):
very young kids, which sounds kind of nice, right?
Yeah, blissful ignorance, Totally.
But then it generally takes a noticeable dip through the
school years, with significant drops often around age 8, and
then again throughout adolescence.
And this decline, the author points out, directly parallels
and increasing self focus. As kids become more aware of
themselves, they often become more critical.

(11:11):
That's a critical observation, and it helps us understand why
different approaches are needed at different stages.
So let's break it down by developmental periods.
First, we have what the author calls the Look at Me stage,
typically from two to four yearsold.
Oh. I know this stage.
Yes, these are your endearing, often slightly clumsy little
show offs. They have boundless self esteem,

(11:33):
mainly because they truly can't evaluate themselves objectively,
yet they'll make these grand adorable claims like I'm so fast
even if they just tripped over their own feet.
And they absolutely bask in adult praise, but they cringe
and shrink away from scolding. They're just soaking it all in.
But what are some early signals,maybe some red flags that a

(11:53):
child at this stage might be struggling a bit?
You might notice a consistent reluctance to explore new
things, or maybe a tendency to avoid challenges, or crying and
giving up almost immediately when something gets just a
little bit hard. If these patterns persist, it
could be a signal, the book emphasizes, that our primary job

(12:15):
as parents at this stage is really to encourage that natural
curiosity and to express genuine, maybe even effusive,
delight at their accomplishments, no matter how
small. Be their biggest cheerleader.
Exactly. It's how they begin to
internalize a sense of themselves as capable and
lovable. Your cheerleading builds that
initial foundation. OK, moving on, we enter the on

(12:35):
my way stage, usually from five to seven years old, right?
Kids here typically still ride pretty high on self esteem
because their skills are just exploding.
They're mastering things like riding a bike, learning to read,
doing simple math. It's thrilling for them and they
feel this surge of competence. That makes sense.
They also start caring a lot about fairness and comparing
themselves to others. But often it's more about making

(12:56):
sure they're treated equitably, you know, not necessarily
evaluating their own worth. Yet they're also very rigid
thinkers at this age. You'll hear things like that
Babyish. Or that's for girls.
It's quite black and white. For them, friendship becomes
hugely important. But they're not always the best
at being friends yet. They can be quite bossy or
critical, and best friends can shift on a dime, sometimes

(13:20):
daily. Oh.
Yeah, the revolving door of bestfriends.
Totally. They might even try telling a
little white lie to avoid trouble, though it's usually
pretty obvious when they do. So red flags for this age might
include a child who can't seem to describe anything they do
well, or seems to have no futuredreams, constantly calls
themselves stupid or appears persistently sad, irritable or

(13:43):
unusually low energy. Yeah, those could be signs.
The key tip from the author hereis just to keep helping the
master new skills and really lean into enthusiastic, genuine
praise for their efforts and their progress.
OK, then comes the judging myself stage, typically around
ages 8 to 10. Right.
And this is often where things get a bit tougher for both kids

(14:04):
and parents. Children at this age develop the
cognitive ability to realistically compare themselves
to others. Yeah.
And they often, unfortunately, start seeing themselves more
negatively. They become much harsher self
critics, acutely aware of the gap between their ideal self and
their reality. And if they're not immediately
successful at something, they might jump straight to I'm no

(14:26):
good at this or I'll never get it.
Exactly, or they might become defensive, saying things like
sports are stupid anyway or art is dumb just to protect their
increasingly fragile self esteem.
It's a defense mechanism. Got it.
So red flags at this stage couldinclude seeing mainly weaknesses
in themselves, or resorting to unhealthy strategies like

(14:47):
putting others down to feel bigger, or maybe trying to
dominate peers, or reacting withreally explosive rage to even
mild criticism. Those are definitely things to
watch for. Our vital role here is to help
them see learning as an ongoing process, not just a destination,
and sharing our own struggles, our own perseverance through
difficulties, appropriately of course, can really inspire them

(15:09):
and normalize the idea that challenge is part of growth.
OK, Next up, the trying to look good stage from 11 to 13 years
old. Oh, the middle school years.
Brace yourself. This is often an excruciatingly
self-conscious time, and self esteem tends to be at its lowest
point for many kids. They worry incessantly about
what others think, how they look, where they fit in the

(15:31):
social pecking order. And bodily changes, or the lack
of changes compared to peers certainly add to this intense
self consciousness, don't they? Hugely, they can become obsessed
with being normal or meeting certain appearance ideals.
Like the whole 6 pack ABS thing the book mentions.
Their self esteem gets heavily tied to how they feel about
their looks. And this is where that concept
of the imaginary audience comes in.

(15:52):
Yes, exactly. Elkin talked about this back in
67. Kids truly believe everyone is
constantly scrutinizing and judging them as if they're
performing on a stage 24/7, which leads to trying
desperately to fit in, dressing the same, acting the same.
So telling them don't worry about what other people think
just isn't realistic or helpful for them at this stage, is it?

(16:13):
Not at all. Pure opinions have real
consequences for them. The book suggests a much better
approach, asking, OK, whose opinion really matters to you
here? Do you trust their judgement?
Are these people you respect? Or is this just noise?
That's a far more nuanced, empowering conversation.
That makes sense. And social media, of course,
complicates the stage exponentially.

(16:34):
Oh, absolutely. While the Booknotes studies show
many teens feel good about social media, sometimes a
significant percentage also report feeling bad.
It offers a place to present a positive image, sure, but also
unlimited opportunities for thatupward comparison, which could
be strongly linked to distress. So red flags for the sage might
include a noticeable lack of supportive friends or self

(16:57):
consciousness that leads to actively avoiding peers, or
maybe online activity completelyeclipsing face to face
interactions. Yeah, those are key.
Our most important tips here arereally to help them find
enjoyable activities in groups where they can feel a sense of
belonging, to be a kind of counterweight to the shallow
messages in popular culture, andto remind them gently you know

(17:19):
not to compare their inside reality to someone else's
carefully curated outside appearance.
Your steady, loving presence truly matters as an anchor.
OK, And then trying to be myself.
Stage ages 14 to 16. Yeah, often an especially
difficult, tumultuous period forself esteem.
Teens at this stage are grappling intensely with who
they really are. They agonize over perceived

(17:40):
contradictions within themselves.
Am I kind or mean? Outgoing or shy?
They often feel incredibly unique and profoundly
misunderstood by pretty much everyone around them, especially
adults. This is also the age where we
sadly see that dramatic increasein depression rates for girls,
right starting around 13. That's right, by late
adolescence, girls are about twice as likely as boys to

(18:00):
experience depression. Key red flags for depression can
include things like persistent sadness or irritability, most of
the time feelings of worthlessness or excessive
guilt. Chronic fatigue marked the loss
of interest in activities they once enjoyed, difficulty
concentrating, or significant changes in sleep, weight or
appetite. Also, sometimes substance use

(18:21):
can be a sign. So as parents are crucial, role
here is just to show unwavering faith in them to be that secure
base they can explore from and always return to.
Absolutely unconditional positive regard, as Rogers
called it. Just being there, steady and
accepting. OK, finally self esteem in young
adulthood and beyond. 17 plus. Yeah, the book notes, a
significant turning point often occurs around 17.

(18:43):
Those agonizing self contradictions start feeling
more manageable and they begin developing a more complex
integrated self view. They become less dependent on
others views. And self esteem often continues
to increase in the mid to late 20s and again in the 50s and 60s
before eventually declining after 70.
That's the general trend, yes, Which, as the author Riley
points out, isn't particularly comforting to tell the

(19:04):
struggling teen. Don't worry, you'll feel good in
five decades. Lapser it not helpful at all.
No, the immediacy of their struggles is what matters, and
the long term studies do show a remarkable consistency in
relative self esteem levels. Meaning if a child struggles
significantly with low self esteem early on without
intervention, it can become a bit of a self fulfilling

(19:27):
prophecy. Well, if a child expects to be
rejected or expects to fail, they'll often subconsciously act
in ways that kind of confirm that fear they might withdraw or
not try creating this powerful, painful cycle.
OK, so we've covered the generaljourney of self esteem through
childhood and adolescence, and how it's definitely not static.
Now let's dig into the first of the author's three CS

(19:50):
connection, and we'll start withthe scenario many, many parents
can relate to. When your child reacts really
intensely to parental correction, often spiraling into
accusations like Why are you always yelling at me?
You think I'm the worst kid in the world?
Oh yeah, let's revisit David's story from the book because it's
just so vivid. David's mom is driving home,
really fuming because David broke a picture at a friend's

(20:12):
house and then threw a huge fit when it was time to leave.
She's angry. She's disappointed.
David, meanwhile, is in full deflection mode, yelling.
Margo started it. Then he gets defensive, his
shoulder slump and dejection, and finally he lashes out in
anger. Why are you always yelling at
me? You think I'm the worst kid in
the world? It's a classic meltdown moment.
That sounds like, well, it sounds familiar.

(20:34):
We've all been there as parents and maybe even remembering being
that kid. But what's truly going on
beneath the surface in a situation like that?
What's driving that intense reaction from David?
The book points out something really insightful.
Both David and his mom are likely feeling intense shame.
Shame both of them. Yeah, David's mom probably felt

(20:55):
mortified that her child behavesso badly in front of another
adult. She might be imagining the
friend thinking, what kind of a mom is she?
Can't you control her kid? That's parental shame.
OK, I can see that. And for David, his initial
deflection, then the defensiveness, then the
dejection, and finally that lashing out in anger, those are
all classic, powerful, shame based responses.

(21:17):
He feels exposed, flawed, bad. So this brings us to a really
crucial distinction the book makes between shame and guilt.
And this is an insight that, well, once you grasp it, it
really changes everything about how you respond to your child,
doesn't it? It absolutely does.
It's a game changer. Guilt, the book explains, stems
from thinking I did a bad thing.It's about a specific action,

(21:38):
and it typically leads to remorse, a desire to fix the
situation. You know, to apologize, to make
amends, to clean up the mess. Guilt prone people tend to be
empathic and constructive in their responses.
They want to repair the harm. But shame.
Shame is fundamentally differentand far more insidious.
Shame stems from that agonizing,all-encompassing thought.

(21:59):
I am a bad person. It's not about what you did,
it's about who you are. It's an excruciatingly painful
feeling, feeling exposed, inadequate, worthless, truly
defective at your core. Yeah, when people are ashamed,
they don't want to fix things. They want to escape, to hide, to
just disappear. And this intense self focus of
shame absolutely crushes self esteem.

(22:19):
Instead of leading to repair, itoften leads to blaming others,
aggression, defensiveness, and it deeply damages relationships.
It's explicitly LinkedIn research to anxiety, depression
and low self esteem. Wow.
That's powerful. And interestingly, the book
mentions cultural differences. One study found Japanese
children reported more shame, Korean kids more guilt, and US

(22:40):
children more pride. But across all those cultures,
the shame prone kids were significantly more likely to get
angry and blame others when confronted.
So that reaction is pretty universal.
It really highlights how universal that protective,
externalizing reaction to shame can be.
So as parents, this can hit us too.
How do we manage our own shame and guilt when our kids
misbehave? Because it's a very natural

(23:02):
reaction to feel responsible, right?
To wonder if we're doing something wrong, To feel like
our bad kid is somehow a reflection of our bad parenting.
Yeah, that's a tough one. The author says we need to be
compassionate with ourselves first.
We all react with impatience or frustration sometimes.
We're human. She shares this wonderful
anecdote about a mother whose daughter hit another child at

(23:22):
school. The mom was utterly horrified,
feeling personally responsible, just consumed by shame.
Oh, I can imagine. Right.
But when she called the other mother to apologize, the other
mom, instead of judging, simply said, Oh my goodness, this
parenting thing is hard, isn't it?
And that small, empathetic statement immediately relieved
the First Mom's shame. It's such a powerful model for

(23:44):
how we need to treat ourselves with compassion and in turn, how
we can extend that same grace toour kids when they mess up.
I love that this parenting thingis hard.
It's so simple, but it gives us so much permission to be
imperfect, to struggle, to just be human.
So, armed with that crucial selfcompassion, what are some of the
most helpful responses to misbehavior, Responses that

(24:04):
truly build real self esteem in our children?
Well, the guiding principles arecrystal clear.
You simply cannot help children move forward, learn or grow by
convincing them of their vadnaisor their defectiveness.
That just reinforces shame. And crucially, children learn
not through prolonged suffering or harsh punishment, but by
doing it right, by being guided towards the correct action, the

(24:29):
better choice. That shifts the whole dynamic,
doesn't it? From punitive to instructive.
So the first critical step, cooldown, then connect?
Yes. David's mom, in that moment of
fury, probably should have said I'm too upset to talk about this
right now. We'll discuss it when we're both
calm. We don't have to respond in the
heat of the moment. That's hard sometimes, but
important. It is, and the book gives us a

(24:49):
good barometer. You know you've cooled down
enough when you can truly imagine the situation from your
child's perspective with empathy.
Because as the author says, no kid is bad to the bone.
Maybe they were just carried away or genuinely didn't know a
better way to handle their big feelings in that moment.
Right. And another really critical
point that's often overlooked talk about behavior, not

(25:11):
character. Huge Don't say you are bad or
you are lazy. Instead, say you did a bad thing
or you acted lazily in that moment.
Kids are typically black and white thinkers, especially when
they're emotional, so they easily internalize I am bad.
And that old advice about sandwich criticism, you know,
putting criticism between 2 positive remarks.

(25:33):
Yeah, the book explicitly says that doesn't really work either.
Kids see right through it. It feels inauthentic.
OK, so if the sandwich isn't working, what does work?
The book suggests a powerful soft criticism approach.
It has three clear, actionable steps.
Right. First, give an excuse, a gentle
opening that acknowledges their perspective or intention.

(25:53):
Something like I know you were just having fun, or I know you
didn't mean to. OK, softens the blow a bit.
Exactly. Second, describe the problem.
This is where you briefly state what your child did, focusing on
the specific action, and then you paint a vivid picture of the
negative outcome or how it affected someone else.
So for David, his mom might say.She might say, but when you
knock the picture off the wall, Marco's mother looked very

(26:16):
upset. I think that picture was
important to her and now it's broken.
This helps them connect their action directly to a consequence
for someone else. Got it.
And the third step, this is the magic sauce, right?
Move forward. Yes, this is crucial because
it's about empowering kids to act in caring, constructive
ways. It implies that they can do

(26:37):
good, that they were capable of repair.
Asking questions like what can you do to help her feel better,
or what could you do differentlynext time if you found yourself
in a similar situation is far, far more effective than
lecturing. Kids are much more invested in
solutions. They help come up with
themselves. It's about agency, not just
compliance. Makes sense?

(26:57):
Beyond these in the moment responses, the book advises
focusing on prevention. If you know your child is
heading into a challenging situation, maybe a playdate with
a particularly boisterous friendor a new social setting, talk
about it beforehand. Pregame it a little.
Yeah, exactly. Ask them what do you need to
remember to do in this situationor how can you handle it if X
happens. Having the answer ready on the

(27:18):
front of their mind helps immensely.
And for those particularly boisterous or emotional kids,
timeouts can actually be really helpful.
Not as punishment, though. Right, not as punishment, but as
a short designated break to cooldown.
The book suggests planning calming activities for a special
calm down box, like looking through a kaleidoscope, using a
rain stick or smelling A soothing scent.

(27:41):
It's about teaching self regulation skills, not just
isolating them. OK, what about consequences?
Natural consequences can be useful sometimes, like if they
dilly dally getting ready, they might be late for something fun.
But the author strongly warns against harsh, unrelated
punishments like taking away birthdays or canceling holidays
for some unrelated misbehavior. Yeah, that feels unfair.

(28:02):
It does. It just triggers resentment,
shame, and a sense of injustice.Instead, focus on finding ways
for them to make amends, maybe through an act of kindness or
some physical chores to repair damage if something was broken.
And I absolutely love this one, it's so freeing for both parent
and child. Develop amnesia for past sins.
Laughs. Yes.

(28:22):
Isn't that great? Children are growing and
changing so rapidly. Whatever they did last month
was, in a way, done by an entirely different, less mature
person. So don't keep bringing it up.
Let them start fresh. Give them grace.
It's wonderfully liberating. OK, now let's pivot from
correcting misbehavior to encouraging positive behavior.

(28:42):
This is equally vital, maybe even more so, for building real
self esteem. Absolutely.
The ultimate goal here is fostering authentic pride, which
is that deep, satisfying feelingof I did a good thing.
I truly earned this this kind ofpride that helps develop
internalized standards and a strong sense of integrity,
motivating positive actions evenwhen no one is watching.
The The book contrasts this witharrogance, which, like shame,

(29:05):
focuses on the whole self and often lacks genuine concern for
others. It's fragile.
So a key part of fostering this authentic pride is simply being
pleasable. Yes.
Make sure your child knows it's truly possible to please you,
that your approval isn't some impossible bar they can never
reach. As parents, we naturally tend to
notice misbehavior more than compliant or positive actions.

(29:27):
Unfortunately, yes. So it takes deliberate effort to
catch kids being good, to reallysee and acknowledge their
positive efforts and always set realistic expectations not based
on what most kids do, but what this particular child is capable
of right now, in this moment. And here's another
counterintuitive 1 Surprisingly,avoiding inflated praise is

(29:49):
crucial. Right.
Telling a child you're amazing or you're the best can actually
backfire. Especially for kids with low
self esteem it can feel unbelievable to them, like
you're just saying it because you have to.
Or it creates undue pressure to always be amazing.
Simple, specific positive feedback is far more effective.
Like you did it or? Wow you got every single problem

(30:09):
right on that worksheet. And here's a really critical
point about praise. Focus on controllable causes,
often called process praise. Yes, instead of You're so smart,
which is person praise and implies their ability is fixed.
Statics say you tried really hard or those seven times tables
are tricky, but you really stuckwith it and kept practicing and

(30:30):
now you know them so well. So you're highlighting their
effort, their strategy, their persistence.
Exactly. All things they can control and
apply to future challenges. It empowers them.
Yeah, and that you're the best praise is particularly risky
because that status can change in an instant, right?
Which can lead to a crash. Definitely.
Instead focus on their progress.You've really mastered that

(30:52):
tricky part in the middle that you struggled with last week.
Look how far you've come. It's all about their personal
journey of improvement, not comparison to others.
And the book suggests a powerfultool telling empowering stories.
Narrate past struggles and triumphs your child has had.
Remember when you were first learning to ride your bike?
You fell down so many times and you wanted to give up.

(31:15):
But you kept trying, and now look at you riding like a pro.
These stories create a hopeful narrative, reinforcing that
persistence pays off and that they are capable of overcoming
challenges. The author also introduces the
language of becoming, which I found incredibly insightful.
Oh, I love that phrase. Me too, instead of a fixed label
like you are a good artist, you could say you stuck with that

(31:37):
project even though it's frustrating and messy sometimes.
You're becoming someone who can solve tricky problems and see
them through. It emphasizes growth, the
journey, the process, rather than a static identity.
It's so much more dynamic and hopeful.
There are also simple yet profoundly powerful ways to
connect and build real self esteem.
The most basic, and maybe often overlooked, is physical touch.

(32:01):
So important hugs, back rubs, even just a quick shoulder
squeeze. These small gestures communicate
you are precious to me. You are safe, You are loved
without a single word. Also, make a genuine effort to
know what truly matters to your child.
Learn about their friends, theirinterests, their favorite games
or characters. Showed genuine curiosity.
Ask questions. And really strive to acknowledge

(32:21):
their emotions. Reflecting feelings is key.
You're feeling emotion because reason or it sounds like it's
hard for you when it communicates.
Your experience matters, Your feelings are valid.
You matter to me. Even acknowledge positive
feelings. Then please don't underestimate
the power of laughing together. Oh, it's incredibly healing,
Yeah. It pulls kids right out of that

(32:43):
self focus and into the joy of the moment.
Poke fun at yourself, Act silly.Just maybe be mindful about
teasing, especially if your child is particularly sensitive.
The line between playful and hurtful can be very fine
sometimes. Good .1 of my absolute favorite
practical tips from the book is Special Playtime, sometimes
called PCID. Yes, PCID.

(33:03):
Praise, comment, imitate, describe, and express
enthusiasm. It's just 5 minutes a day of non
competitive child LED play and the key is we have to commit to
no instructions, no criticism, and no questions.
You just mirror and narrate their play.
Kind of like a sports commentator for their block
tower. It sounds deceptively simple,
but it's surprisingly hard for parents to resist asking

(33:25):
questions or giving directions. But these 5 minutes done
consistently can be incredibly powerful for building connection
at a child's sense of security and being seen, which in turn
profoundly supports their self esteem.
It fills their love tank in a really unique way.
OK, now let's move from individual connection to the
wonderfully complex, sometimes volatile world of sibling

(33:47):
relationships and that perennialcry.
You love her more. Chuckles.
Oh yes, fibbling relationships. They're incredibly powerful,
aren't they? For better or for worse.
They can be a source of constantconflict that really tears down
self esteem, or they can be joyful and deeply supportive,
offering that unique I've seen you at your worst and I love you
to anyway kind of connection. That's a good way to put it.

(34:08):
Research consistently shows thatwarmth and less conflict between
siblings are linked to less loneliness and better self
esteem later in life. It matters.
It's interesting how much popular culture and even some
psychological theories have focused on family structure and
birth order as defining factors for personality.

(34:28):
Right, The whole firstborns are leaders, middle kids are
peacemakers thing. Yeah.
But the book notes that while these ideas are popular, the
largest, best designed studies actually show no consistent long
term link between birth order and adult personality.
It's largely A myth we can probably let go of.
What's far more impactful are the sibling dynamics themselves.

(34:48):
You often see a lot of copying where a younger sibling imitates
an older one, which can be incredibly annoying for the
older child. And then there's competition,
which can range from just playful striving to really
bitter envy, even hatred, when 1sibling consistently
outperforms, forms another, or simply feels less favored by the
parents. So to minimize these comparisons
and protect self esteem, siblings sometimes practice de

(35:10):
identification or differentiation.
Exactly, this is where they deliberately choose to be
different from one another. Like maybe the older brother is
a soccer star so the younger 1 picks up the trumpet or gets
into coding to avoid direct comparison.
It's a survival strategy, really.
But this can be limiting if it'stoo broad, right?
A child might decide their sibling owns all academics and

(35:31):
therefore decides they can't tryin school.
Precisely. Or they're just not good at math
because their sibling is a whiz.The goal is what the author
calls optimal differentiation, where there's enough similarity
for a sense of belonging, but enough difference for individual
identity and mastery. The book talks about a continuum
of sibling relationships. At one extreme, siblings are so

(35:54):
similar they lack individual identity.
At the other they're so different, they feel completely
disconnected. The healthy middle ground is
where they are alike and different, and they can accept
their unique qualities. But the most damaging, the book
warns, is the hostile dependent relationship.
OK, what's that? That's where siblings are
constantly trying to one up eachother with put downs, subtle

(36:15):
digs, and gloating over failures.
That kind of constant negativityis incredibly rough for self
esteem. Yikes.
OK, So what are some real self esteem tips to navigate these
tricky sibling comparisons? 1st and maybe most importantly,
never compare siblings. Allowed.
Ever. Even seemingly positive
comparisons can hurt. Really like you're good at

(36:37):
science. Your sister is creative.
Yeah, because a child might hear.
My sister owns creativity, so I can't go near it.
That's her turf. Kids are constantly changing and
what you observe today might notto be true or relevant tomorrow.
Labels. Limit them.
OK, so. Instead, identify and celebrate
family similarities and shared values.
What traits, habits, or values bring your family together?

(36:59):
Maybe you're all curious, or youall care about the environment,
or you have a Saturday movie night tradition.
This builds A deeper sense of belonging of us.
And directly challenge overly broad perf divisions.
If a child says my brother owns math so I can't be good at it,
you can respond your brother doesn't own math.
That's ridiculous. It's not where you start, it's
whether you keep going and applyyourself.

(37:21):
You can even use analogies like Pete.
Everyone gets adult teeth, just at different times in different
orders. It's all part of development.
Same with skills. That's clever.
We can also strategically encourage older siblings to
teach younger ones. This can ease rivalry and give
the older child a mature, helpful, responsible role.
Sometimes offering a small payment or a special treat for

(37:42):
teaching can be a good motivator.
And, crucially, insist on celebrating sibling successes.
It might get some grumbling at first.
Right. Oh for sure, but cheering each
other on, even if it feels forced initially, being
supportive is the right thing todo in our family is crucial for
fostering family unity and a positive atmosphere.
Make it a non negotiable family value.

(38:03):
OK, now on to sibling jealousy. The classic Who's the favorite
or you love her more? Kids are incredibly vigilant,
always on the lookout for perceived parental favoritism.
And believe me, they are keepingscore.
Down to the last sprinkle on a cupcake.
Exactly. And the research here is pretty
sobering, but also validated waiting for parents.

(38:26):
Studies show that a significant percentage of parents, both
mothers and fathers, actually dodirect more negative actions
toward one child than the other.Maybe more criticism or less
patience. Really.
Yeah, it's human nature. Sometimes we simply find it
easier or more enjoyable to be with one child at certain times
or in certain situations. We might connect better with one

(38:46):
child's personality or find another child's current phase
more challenging. It happens.
The trap, though, is trying to treat siblings identically or
equally, isn't it? Yes, the book says it's not
necessary or even desirable because children have vastly
different needs. A 12 year old shouldn't have the
same bedtime as a six year old. Of course not.
What truly matters is how children interpret unequal

(39:08):
treatment. Do they see it as fair and
justified, based on individual needs, or as a painful sign that
they are less lovable or less valued?
The book gives a poignant example of this, doesn't it?
It does. An older daughter felt her
parents didn't care about her good grades because they didn't
scold her for getting one bad grade.

(39:29):
Unlike the intense attention andsupport her brother with a
physical disability received forhis academic struggles, she felt
she had to be the easy child, that her good behavior went
unnoticed. What she needed wasn't
punishment for a bad grade. She needed reassurance of love
and recognition for her efforts,separate from her brother's
needs. It's about providing what each
child needs, not identical treatment.

(39:51):
And this leads to the subtle, often unconscious idea of rigid
family roles. Sometimes children get trapped
in roles like the bad kid or theparentified child who takes on
too much responsibility for siblings or maybe the parent
special buddy. And these roles, while they
might offer a perceived sense ofsecurity or identity, ultimately
hurt the child's growth and healthy relationships, right?

(40:12):
Absolutely. The way to gently break these
roles is to actively create opportunities for them to act
differently. Let the bad kid do something
responsible and be praised genuinely for it.
Encourage the good kid to be silly and messy without
consequence. It helps them see themselves and
be seen by others in a new, moreexpansive light.
OK, so more real self esteem Tips for addressing jealousy?

(40:36):
The book says when your child complaints you love another
sibling more. Don't debate fairness.
Don't get sucked into the keeping score game.
Right. Instead, give them a big warm
hug and say you were the only one I love in a special child's
name way. And maybe list some qualities
that aren't earned, qualities you just cherish about them.
You're my one and only unique child's name and I just love

(40:56):
your laugh. Or I love the way you notice
things. That's lovely.
And make a deliberate effort to spend enjoyable one-on-one time
with each child. Yes.
It doesn't have to be elaborate outings.
Simple, regular activities like reading a book together, going
for a quick walk, baking cookies, or just talking in
their room for a few minutes canbe profoundly impactful.

(41:19):
It sends the message you were important enough for my
undivided attention. And don't fuss over making
everything exactly equal. Counting sprinkles on a cupcake
or demanding identical toys teaches kids that minor
inequalities are unbearable catastrophes.
Exactly. Instead calmly state sometimes
things aren't fair and that's OK, you're strong enough to

(41:40):
handle that. Building resilience to minor
unfairness is a life skill. Be open to changing things if
your child makes a genuinely valid point about unfairness
though. Oh.
Definitely. Maybe the rules do need an
adjustment. Sometimes it shows you listen
and value their perspective. And finally, manage your own
family patterns. Be aware of your own past
sibling dynamics or how you weretreated as a child are subtly

(42:02):
influencing how you react to your children's sibling
squabbles today. That self-awareness is key.
Finally, sibling conflict. The frequency and intensity of
arguments are major parental concerns, sometimes feeling like
a constant background hum in thehouse.
Oh yeah, the soundtrack to parenting sometimes.
Totally. Older kids can be bossy or

(42:22):
physically aggressive, but younger ones quickly learn to
yell, tattle, or bring parents into the fray as referees.
As kids get older, they become more equal physically and
verbally, which can actually escalate conflict sometimes.
And here's a big one parental conflict.
This is often an unspoken but powerful influence.
Huge when parents fight, especially when it's frequent,

(42:45):
aggressive or unresolved. Siblings tend to fight more too.
Open warfare or that silent, cold resentment between parents
is incredibly harmful for children.
It teaches them unhealthy ways to interact and models that
conflict is a 0 sum game where someone has to lose.
So how do parents usually respond to sibling conflict?
Well, research suggests they ignore it about half the time,

(43:06):
but the book says parents don't actually find this very
effective. Kids often take it as permission
to keep going or escalate. Or they jump in and act like
judges trying to figure out who started.
It exactly which leads to kids tattling, lying and constantly
seeking siding rather than learning to solve problems
themselves. It makes parents the conflict
managers instead of teaching kids the skills.

(43:27):
OK so even more real self esteemtips for addressing conflict 1st
and non negotiable stop or prevent any real cruelty.
Yes, draw a clear line at anything physically damaging,
destructive, vicious, or humiliating.
Both of you go to your separate rooms right now.
It's not safe for you to be together when you're acting like

(43:48):
this. Safety first.
Challenge rationalization. Like I was just kidding.
Oh yeah. Or he did it first.
Or she made me do it. These are just excuses they've
learned to use to avoid responsibility.
Explain that meanness is never acceptable, regardless of who
started it. And for serious or repeated
problems, mediate effectively guide kids to their own
solutions. Yes, this takes time, but it

(44:10):
builds crucial conflict resolution skills they will use
for life. Each child explains their side,
acknowledges the other's concerns.
This is key and suggests solutions.
You guide the process, but they own the outcome.
And finally, encourage sibling fun and unity, playing together,
doing a project together. Or even kids versus the
grown-ups games where the commonenemy is you.

(44:33):
These activities build warmth, create shared positive memories,
and help them see each other as allies, fostering a We're in
This Together mentality that candefuse future conflict.
It's truly about building a foundation of positive
interaction and proactive skill building rather than just
reacting to the negative isn't. It that's exactly right.
Proactive, not just reactive. That's a fantastic transition

(44:55):
because now we move to the second C from the book
competence, and the scenario here is all too common for
parents. When your child throws their
hands up and says I can't do it,I quit.
It's really about building grit and persistence.
Grit. It's often defined as that
perseverance and passion for long term goals.
The book gives examples like high schoolers with higher grit

(45:16):
graduating on time or scripts spelling bee contestants ranking
higher. Right.
Parents and teachers often love the idea of grit because it
sounds so virtuous, doesn't it? It does, but the author cautions
against a purely moralistic viewof it, where persistence is
inherently good and a lack of itis seen as some kind of personal
failing. That kind of thinking doesn't

(45:37):
really help anyone, especially the struggling child.
And it's especially hard for kids with low self esteem to
display grit, isn't it? Well, absolutely.
They're acutely aware of their perceived shortcomings, and the
pain of the task is compounded by that inner narrative of I'm
not good enough. So lecturing them about just
trying harder or persevering simply highlights their

(45:58):
perceived flaws again, making them feel even worse.
It's like saying, see, here's another way you are flawed.
So the shift is crucial. Instead of focusing just on
that, they should persevere. We need to help them direct
their attention to how to keep going, to the concrete steps
involved. Help them view struggles as
temporary obstacles to overcome,not as a permanent sign of

(46:19):
inadequacy. This brings us directly to
cultivating a growth mindset, that transformative concept
pioneered by psychologist Carol Dweck.
Yes, the profound belief that abilities can grow and improve
with effort and strategy rather than being fixed traits you're
born with. So in a fixed mindset, if you
fail it means you just lack ability.
End of story. Pretty much, but with a growth

(46:41):
mindset, A struggle or failure simply means you need more
effort or maybe a different strategy.
It's information, not a verdict.Numerous studies consistently
link a growth mindset to increase performance, greater
persistence, and even a deeper love of learning.
Our job as parents and educatorsis to keep trying to convince
children through our words and actions that they can always

(47:02):
become more capable through hardwork and smart strategies.
So to truly persist, kids need what?
Well, the book says they need tobe able to manage their
emotions. They need to experience that
effort actually leads to progress, and they need to
embrace meaningful goals that resonate with them personally.
OK, so how do we help them manage that inevitable

(47:23):
frustration and discouragement, especially for kids with low
self esteem who feel it so intensely and personally?
1st and always acknowledge theirnegative feelings first.
Don't skip straight to solutionsor pep talks like you can do it.
Kids cannot think clearly when they're overwhelmed by emotion,
you might say. I see you're really frustrated

(47:43):
with that math problem right now.
It looks tough. Validate.
First validate first, then maybeuse analogies.
The book suggests the bicycle analogy.
You're in the uphill part right now.
This feels hard, doesn't it? Stick with it.
Pretty soon you'll get to the downhill part where this feels
much easier. Connect their current struggle
to past experiences of mastery in other areas, like learning an

(48:05):
instrument or a sport they eventually got good at.
And gently share your own struggles.
Yeah, gently is the keyword kidsoften think Adults were always
confident that we were born knowing how to do calculus or
parallel park perfectly. Laughs.
If only. Right, so sharing helps them see
beyond their current moment of frustration and realize that
everyone struggles. But be careful not to imply I

(48:28):
conquered this. So what's wrong with you?
Or slide into oh, I'm bad at this too, so maybe she's getting
up. It's about showing the process
of struggle and eventual triumph, not just the outcome or
shared inadequacy. And there's the swan analogy
too, right? Yes, a beautiful reminder other
people's struggles aren't alwaysvisible.
A swan may look like it's gracefully gliding on the

(48:48):
surface, but underneath it's paddling furiously to stay
afloat. What other people do is
ultimately irrelevant. Only your child's actions, their
own effort, are truly in their control.
This helps them avoid unhelpful comparisons and focus on their
own path. OK, now let's talk about praise
again. Because it's so critical to
building competence, the book has some very specific, nuanced

(49:10):
guidelines for offering effective praise that actually
builds real self esteem. Right first craze needs to be
genuinely sincere and earned. If you praise a mediocre
performance with gushing enthusiasm, it can feel like a
consolation prize, like good job.
For someone of your limited ability, it rings hollow and
resist praising trivial actions that don't really require

(49:33):
effort. And crucially, don't be overly
effusive. That gushing praise.
You're amazing. You're a genius kind of talk.
Yeah, it can backfire, especially for kids with low
self esteem. It feels unbelievable to them or
it creates undue pressure. Simple, specific positive
feedback is far better. You did it or you got every
problem right on that sheet and always, always follow up with

(49:54):
questions focused on the process, like what was your
strategy for solving that or howdid you figure that out?
Most importantly, effective praise focuses on controllable
causes that process praise againrather than innate fixed
ability. Exactly saying you're so smart
person. Praise is actually linked to
less persistence because it implies that if they fail it's

(50:15):
because they just aren't smart enough.
But you tried hard or those tricky equations are tough but
you kept practicing and now you know them really well.
Process praise is much better because effort and strategy are
things they can control and apply to future challenges.
Yeah, and that you're the best praise is particularly risky

(50:35):
because that status can change in an instant, leading to a
crash in their confidence. Totally.
Instead, focus on their progress, their personal
improvement. You've really mastered that
tricky chord in the middle of the song that you struggled with
last week. Look how far you've come.
It's about their personal journey, not external
comparison. We need to.
Explicitly show them that strategy plus effort can lead to

(50:56):
success. Yes, effort without a good
strategy is often just demoralizing, like banging your
head against a wall. So help them figure out a
strategy before they embark on amajor project.
Like using a rubric for a schoolproject or breaking down steps
backwards from the deadline. Exactly, trying to correct
school work after it's completely done often leads to
meltdowns because the opportunity for productive

(51:17):
strategy application has passed.It just feels like criticism
then. And teach effective study
strategies. The best way to prepare for a
test is generally to practice doing exactly what will be on
the test. For math, do math problems,
don't just passively read notes.If it's a presentation, practice
speaking aloud. Active recall, not passive
review. Build on small successes.

(51:39):
If a child is discouraged about not being able to swim the
entire length of the pool, help them set a goal to swim halfway
first on. 3/4. Small, easily achievable goals
create momentum and hope. They build evidence that effort
leads to progress. But be careful not to take over
their work. Your job is to guide and
support, not to do it for them. That undermines competence.

(52:01):
Tell stories of their triumphs, recounting past struggles where
persistence paid off, like learning to ride their bike or
mastering a difficult piece of music.
Yes, and highlight explicit comparisons between their
current self and their past selfusing old photos, videos, or
even old school work. This visually reinforces that
where they are now is only temporary and that they're

(52:22):
always growing and changing. It combats that feeling of being
stuck. We also need to help our
children find meaningful goals, things they actually care about.
Yeah, activities that genuinely fit their strengths are
inherently more enjoyable and rewarding.
The book suggests using resources like the free Via
Inventory of Strengths for YouthQuiz to help kids aged 10/17

(52:44):
identify their signature strengths, things like
gratitude, hope or zest. For younger kids, parents can
use the list of strengths as a guide to observe and point out
things they notice. And if your child seems
reluctant to try anything or is afraid of commitment, insist on
trying something. Gently, yes.
Maybe offer two options, for example, and let them choose one
for a trial period, say six weeks.

(53:06):
It might take some trial and error to find the right fit, but
the key is to find something they'll stick with long enough
to actually see improvement and experience that sense of
accomplishment. Look for a mentor or a team.
Connection diffuses self focus. Exactly.
A choir director, A coach, A trusted aunt or uncle, a
volunteer leader, an independentbut caring adult voice can

(53:27):
inspire perseverance and provideguidance outside the sometimes
fraught parent child dynamic. And belonging to a group where
they feel here are people like me is incredibly powerful for
building confidence and confidence.
It reminds me that in school, kids learn not just the what the
content like historical dates, but equally important, the how
the process. Right.

(53:48):
How do you get work done efficiently?
How do you work with others on aproject?
How do you manage your time? The how is what they'll use for
the the rest of their lives, long after the specific what is
forgotten. That's building competence.
And here's a big one that often goes against our instincts.
Don't pay for performance like giving money for A's.
Yeah, the book strongly advises against it.
External motivation, like money,doesn't build internal

(54:10):
motivation or a genuine love of learning.
In fact, studies show it can actually backfire, making kids
less likely to do things. When those external rewards are
removed, the internal satisfaction of mastery is far
more powerful and sustainable. This raises an important tricky
question for parents. When do you let your child quit

(54:30):
an activity? Oh, that's a tough call.
There are no hard and fast rules, of course, but the book
suggests several questions to consider.
Did they give it a decent, genuine try?
Could continuing just a little longer allow them to experience
some small success? Reach a milestone?
How strongly are they objecting?Is it just whining or genuine
distress? And would others like a team or

(54:52):
a teacher be negatively affectedif they quit abruptly?
It's a judgement call based on the specifics.
OK, a different but equally painful kind of struggle with
confidence is when your child suffers with harsh self
criticism, saying things like it's not good enough.
These can be outwardly capable kids who are just cruelly self
critical inside. They drive themselves incredibly

(55:13):
hard, only to collapse and dejection after an
accomplishment, finding that achievements offer only fleeting
relief, if any, and failures feel utterly humiliating.
What causes that kind of relentless self criticism?
It can be complex. Sometimes it's inborn
temperament. A child might be naturally more
prone to anxiety or perfectionism.

(55:33):
Other times, significant life events like a parental divorce
can lead kids to blame themselves and taming the self
criticism is tough because kids can actually get attached to it.
They might think it's virtuous or necessary to beat themselves
up to succeed. Or maybe it's a way to get ahead
of external criticism. I'll criticize myself before
anyone else can. So how do we help temper this

(55:54):
inner critic? 1st and always acknowledge their
negative feelings. I can see you're feeling really
discouraged because you sound like you wish that have gone
differently. This provides understanding and
helps them make sense of the experience.
Offer a gentle hug. It's the physical opposite of
those mean self-directed comments.
And if the self criticism escalates to truly mean verbally
abusive self talk. You may need to draw a clear

(56:17):
line. It's not okay to say mean things
about someone I love and be prepared for them to throw it
back at you. The book mentions a mom who
muttered oh I'm so stupid after a mistake, and her daughter
promptly retorted, Mom, it's notOK to say mean things about
someone I love. Ouch.
Good reminder that they're always listening.
Always, we need to help them embrace realistic standards.

(56:39):
Children often see things in black and white, either perfect
or worthless. But as Voltaire famously said,
the perfect is the enemy of the good.
Perfectionism actually interferes with starting or
finishing work, and it stifles creativity.
So encourage them to aim for barely adequate or just OK work
first. Just get the basics done.
Exactly. It's far healthier than striving

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for an unattainable, soul crushing perfection that keeps
them stuck. And help them put mistakes in
context, like with performing. Right.
Ask your child how many members of an audience, for example,
truly expect perfection from a performer?
The answer is probably none. Audiences usually want to see
ongoing learning, growth, effort, and a genuine love of
the art. They want connection, not

(57:22):
flawlessness. A powerful, maybe slightly scary
way to break the stranglehold ofperfectionism is to experiment
with making small mistakes on purpose.
Yeah, it can be powerful. It teaches them viscerally that
the world doesn't end, that theywon't implode, and that they are
still loved and capable even when things aren't perfect.
It desensitizes them a bit. And managing rumination, that

(57:44):
repetitive, unproductive, negative thinking.
Why am I so stupid? Why does this always happen to
me? Yes, these are what the author
calls worthless questions because they don't lead to
solutions, they just intensify misery and helplessness.
Instead, help them shift to whatcan I questions?
What can I do to solve this? What can I try that might help.
You can even write these empowering questions on index

(58:06):
cards as a visual reminder. And strategies like scheduled
worry time. Sitting inside a specific,
limited window, say 15 minutes aday, just for worries.
If no worries come up during that time, they have to do
something fun instead. And the sleep is like peeing
analogy for rumination laughs. Yes.
It's memorable, isn't it? You don't worry about trying to

(58:27):
get enough sleep, you just rest and your body sorts things out.
Similarly, don't worry about solving everything right now,
just rest your mind. Thinking of fun, distracting
things while waiting to sleep can help break the worry cycle.
That's a truly great one. OK, now let's talk about
handling competition and tests, which can be huge sources of
self criticism and anxiety for many kids.
First, normalize the emotions. Being nervous before a test or a

(58:51):
performance is a normal, even helpful port of learning.
It's energy, adrenaline. It means it matters to you.
And then, maybe controversially,help your child learn to lose
gracefully. Winning feels good, of course,
but it's unrealistic to win. Always gradually build their
tolerance for losing through fun, low stakes activities.
Like beat your own record challenges, cooperative games,

(59:12):
quick competitive games. Exactly.
Or those classic kids against the grown-ups games where the
pressure off and the fun is on and emphasize good sportsmanship
rituals, shaking hands, saying good game.
And the book points out something so true.
The total duration of victory ordefeat, like after a tennis
match or a spelling bee, is usually 5 minutes or less right?

(59:35):
Yeah, everyone moves on quickly.Kids need to learn that the
feeling, good or bad, is fleeting and the connection with
others and the love of the game are more important than the
outcome. Challenge that deeply ingrained
second best is the same as failure thinking.
Oh absolutely. Use sports or arts analogies.
Does the second best player on the team quit?
No, they contribute, they improve, they love the game, and

(59:58):
they are valued. There's plenty of room for more
than one star, and success comesin many forms, not just first
place. Teach them about task relevant
versus task irrelevant thoughts,especially during test anxiety.
That spiraling internal monologue.
I don't know this. I'm so stupid my life is ruined.
Right, that's task irrelevant noise.
Encourage noticing these thoughts, not suppressing them.

(01:00:19):
Like trying not to think of a white bear.
Just makes you think of it more and maybe setting them aside
with vivid images like a mental red irrelevant stamp or placing
them on a high shelf to deal with later after the test.
Encourage mastery goals over performance goals, Yes.
Mastery goals are about trying to gain competence and improve
skills, focusing on learning. Performance goals are about

(01:00:39):
trying to demonstrate ability and outperform others, focusing
on looking good. Kids with low self esteem tend
to focus on performance goals, which unfortunately increases
their misery and anxiety. Mastery goals, on the other
hand, build genuine, lasting confidence.
The progress line analogy is great here for tests.
Isn't it? Draw a horizontal line
representing learning over time.Mark skills they've already

(01:01:01):
mastered, like counting, adding.Then explain a test is just a
measure of where they are at this particular moment on that
line. It's not a judgement of their
entire worth as a person. It's just a snapshot, not the
whole movie. And finally, teach self
compassion using Kristin Neff's three powerful themes.
Yes, kindness rather than harsh self judgement.

(01:01:23):
Common humanity recognizing thatwe all struggle and make
mistakes. It's part of being human and
mindfulness. Not getting stuck dwelling on
negative thoughts, but acknowledging them and letting
them pass. Model kind self talk for them.
It's not perfect, but it's done and that's good enough.
Absolutely and directly ask them, what would you say to a
friend who is feeling this way? Kids often wouldn't dream of

(01:01:46):
saying to others what they cruelly say to themselves.
Practice gentle, encouraging statements together.
Maybe even help them name that self compassionate voice within
them. Gentle touch can also be a
powerful self soothing tool making self compassion concrete.
Hugging their arms, stroking their face or placing hands on
their heart. And schedule enjoyable
activities. Refueling is vital.

(01:02:08):
Don't work all the time. Downtime and joy are just as
important as effort for sustainable competence.
And most importantly, emphasize that your love for them doesn't
have to be earned. Ask them if they love you more,
if you weighed less or earn moremoney.
Right. Of course not.
Just as they don't expect perfection from their friends,
their true friends don't expect it from them.
Your love is unconditional, fullstop.

(01:02:28):
That unconditional acceptance truly is the foundation for
everything, isn't it? It really is.
OK, our third crucial C is choice, and the scenario here is
1 many parents encounter when your child feels trapped by
indecision and helplessness, saying I can't decide about
something seemingly simple. Yeah, the book shares Stacy's

(01:02:50):
bracelet example, which I think so many people can relate to.
Her grandma asks her to choose one bracelet from this huge
display, and Stacey gets completely overwhelmed.
She can't decide. She freezes up.
And she interprets her uncertainty as a personal flaw.
I'm bad at choosing. Exactly.
As adults, it's so tempting to just snap, just pick one
already. But that just increases the

(01:03:11):
pressure and the internal shame she's feeling.
So Grandma's much better response, the author suggests,
would have been to acknowledge Stacey's feelings first.
Wow, you seem overwhelmed by allthese choices, sweetheart.
Then maybe distract her briefly and return to it later when
she's calmer. Yes, because like we discussed,
it's hard to think clearly and make good decisions when

(01:03:31):
emotions are running high. And this ties back directly to
rumination, which children with low self esteem often struggle
with intensely. That mental wheel spinning.
About negative feelings and problems, endlessly fretting and
going over scenarios in their head.
It feels productive, like they're working on it, but it
actually just intensifies miseryand low self esteem.

(01:03:52):
It's like a hamster on a wheel. Lots of energy expended but
getting absolutely nowhere. So we reiterate some of those
helpful strategies from the competence section for
interrupting this unproductive cycle.
Definitely shifting from those why questions which are often
worthless dead ends, to what canI questions, What can I do to
solve this? What can I try that might help?

(01:04:13):
Using scheduled worry time and even the sleep is like peeing
analogy applies here too. It's all about breaking that
pattern of mental paralysis and moving towards action.
Right, because the fundamental truth, the book argues, is that
not deciding is itself a choice.That's a powerful realization,
isn't it? It's a choice to avoid action,
to refuse commitment, to react passively, to stay mired in

(01:04:34):
uncertainty, or to just let lifehappen to you rather than
actively shaping it. It's living by default, and it's
rarely a positive, empowering choice.
So how do we teach them to choose to step into that agency?
Start by practicing small choices quickly.
Things like ordering food at a restaurant, picking out a shirt
for the day, or choosing a game to play.

(01:04:55):
These are low stakes decisions that build those decision making
muscles without much pressure. And offer simple strategies for
quick decisions like flipping a coin.
Yeah, go with the very first instinct.
Flip a coin, Play eenie, meenie,meenie Moe.
Pick one strategy for a week, maybe, and then commit to
sticking with the choice, even if it feels a little off
afterward. This teaches them, crucially,
that it's possible to decide quickly, and that minor

(01:05:18):
disappointment or less than perfect outcomes are completely
bearable. The world won't end if they pick
the wrong cereal. For bigger decisions, the book
suggests more constructive approaches. 1 Eliminate options
if there are too many. Sometimes more choice actually
leads to less action and more paralysis.
Pro con lists can be helpful fororganizing thoughts, and here's

(01:05:41):
a really cool, counterintuitive one from researcher Daniel
Gilbert. When making a big decision, talk
to someone who is already doing what you're considering.
Why is that? Because our imagination is often
a surprisingly poor guide to howwe'll truly feel in different
circumstances. So talking to someone with real
lived experience, say, about taking that particular elective

(01:06:02):
or joining that specific sports team, is often the best
predictor of your own future happiness.
With that choice, they can tell you what it's really like.
That's fascinating. Another strategy is self
polling. If I had to pick right this
second, what would I choose? Yeah, look for patterns and
those gut instincts over time, and set a time limit for
decisions. How much time is this project
worth? A day?
An hour? The author notes.

(01:06:23):
No project is worth misery. It's usually far better to make
an imperfect decision and move forward than to wallow endlessly
and indecision. And perhaps the most compelling
idea about choice, the right answer isn't magically out there
waiting to be discovered. Right happiness, the author
suggests, is often created by the choice we make and our
commitment to it, not found in the choice itself.

(01:06:45):
Choices gain their rightness andsatisfaction from our commitment
and how we choose to live them out.
We make them right. This brings up a common issue,
parents stepping in too much. The book says children often
view excessive parental help as a sign of their own
incompetence. All those you can do it, yeah.
Pep talks, while well-intentioned, often don't

(01:07:06):
work because they don't address the child's actual internal
experience of feeling stuck or incapable.
They just feel like pressure. So a truly powerful alternative
is collaborative problem solving, based on the approach
by psychologist Ross Green. Yes, it's fantastic.
It has three steps. First, the what's up step.
Be genuinely curious about your child's perspective, their
thoughts, their feelings about the problem.

(01:07:28):
Really listen. Summarize what you hear to make
sure you get it, and ask open-ended questions like who,
what, when, where. No judgement, just curiosity.
OK, second define your adult concern.
My concern is. Exactly.
Explain clearly how the problem is negatively affecting your
child or others, or why it's important to you.
Without blaming or criticizing. Just state your perspective.

(01:07:50):
And 3rd invite your child to problem solve with you.
This is the collaborative part. Right.
I wonder if there's a way to address child's concern and
address parents concern at the same time.
Work together brainstorming ideas.
If they suggest something unreasonable, you gently say
that takes care of your concern,but it doesn't quite take care
of my concern about missing part.

(01:08:10):
Any other ideas? Keep working together until you
find a realistic plan that worksfor everyone.
This gently but effectively pulls kids out of passive
indecision and into active agency, right Building their
problem solving muscles. Precisely.
It respects their perspective while still addressing the issue
A. Huge, huge part of cultivating
choice is teaching kids how to speak up for themselves.

(01:08:32):
Kids with low self esteem often don't, which leads to that
simmering resentment and then often an explosion of pent up
feelings. Yeah, like the client in the
book who wrote that horribly mean letter to her friend
instead of just addressing the issue directly when it happened.
That's pent up resentment exploding so.
Before speaking up, the book suggests considering 3 crucial

(01:08:53):
questions. Yes.
First, what will happen if I saynothing?
Often resentment will fester like poison, damaging the
relationship anyway. Second, is this person someone
who actually cares about what I want and how I feel?
It's far easier and more effective to speak U to someone
who genuinely cares about your well-being.
And 3rd, what specifically do I want the other person to do as a

(01:09:16):
result of me speaking up? Be clear about the desired
outcome. And when they do speak up,
assertive communication is key. Teach them to use I statements,
not blaming you statements. Definitely focus on what the
speaker wants to happen rather than just what they want to
stop. I'm feeling crowded, could you
please move over a bit? Is far better and less
confrontational than stop being so annoying.

(01:09:37):
Role play assertive responses with them, focusing on a calm
tone and confident body language.
Practice makes perfect, or at least makes it less scary.
Simple scripts like that's my pencil, I need it back please or
excuse me, I was waiting here. The back of the line is over
there. Tone and body language really
matter. Sometimes the best way to
resolve conflict is simply to move away, take a short break,

(01:09:59):
and then reconnect kindly when emotions have settled.
Absolutely, taking space is a valid choice, and it's important
to discourage possessiveness andfriendships.
Clinging too tightly to a friendactually stifles them and also
pushes them away. Friendship is like catch.
It requires alternating throws, a back and forth rhythm.
Exactly a good rule of thumb forkids.

(01:10:20):
If your child invites a friend over, they should wait at least
two weeks before inviting them again.
Give the friendship room to breathe, don't smother it.
And dealing with a friend's other friend, that common,
painful challenge. Yeah, don't force them to
choose. That rarely works.
Instead, encourage your child totry and cultivate a good
relationship with the other friend if possible.

(01:10:42):
Possessiveness, the book warns, pretty much guarantees the end
of a friendship eventually. The tighter kids try to hold on
to a friend, the more that friend will likely want to get
away. It's counterintuitive, but very
true. OK, so given all this, how do we
help our child build these crucial connections and navigate
the social landscape more confidently?
Well, mastering simple greetingsis a foundational skill.

(01:11:05):
Not greeting someone stands out negatively and sends a message
of disinterest or even dislike. Practice smiling, making
comfortable eye contact, the trick of looking at their
forehead can help, and confidently saying the other
person's name. Practice with family members
first. And this is incredibly powerful.
Encourage them to focus on connecting rather than
impressing. Yes, social interactions are

(01:11:27):
often super stressful for kids with low self esteem because
they feel like a performance, like they're under this harsh
spotlight being judged. But teach them the spotlight is
not on you, it's on the interaction.
Focus on making the other personfeel comfortable and liked.
Be kind, show genuine interest, ask questions.
It's so much easier and ultimately more effective for

(01:11:48):
building relationships than trying to be amazing or witty
all the time. Encourage choosing kind friends.
Prioritize kindness. Absolutely.
If a friendship is consistently defined by meanness, disrespect,
or belittling, it's OK, even vital, to walk away and help
them build on common ground. Kids naturally befriend kids who
are similar in some way. Help them identify favorite

(01:12:10):
activities they could do together, whether basketball,
reading comics, or trying new adventures.
Shared fun. Bills.
Bonds. When joining groups, kids with
low self esteem often hold back waiting to be invited, but
successful kids? Successful kids, the book
explains intuitively. Watch what others are doing
first, get a sense of the game or the conversation, and then
gently slide into the action without interrupting.

(01:12:34):
Teach your child not to demand to join or try to change the
game immediately. Just observe.
Then blend in smoothly. For older kids joining
conversations, teach them to 1stlisten to the emotional tone,
then make a comment with the same kind of tone.
Yeah, don't just jump in with a totally different vibe and don't
lie or put others down just to fit in.

(01:12:54):
It's about being aware and respectful of others feelings
and the flow of the conversation, even if you don't
agree with the specific content.OK.
Moving on to another common painful experience for kids,
especially in the preteen and teen years.
When your child cries, I don't fit in.
We hear about Adam in the book, sitting alone at lunch,
convinced no one likes him, feeling utterly disconnected.

(01:13:15):
That feeling of being different and disconnected can stem from
1,000,000 reasons, right? Family structure or medical
challenges, ethnic background, appearance, learning
differences, even just having a quirky hobby.
But what truly matters for self esteem is not the difference
itself, but the meaning the child attaches to those
differences. Do they see them as permanent
walls separating them from others, or just aspects of who

(01:13:38):
they are that can be embraced oraccepted?
Exactly. The book describes the self
fulfilling prophecy of I don't belong, sometimes called anxious
solitude or social withdrawal. It's a vicious cycle.
Worry about not fitting in leadsto avoidance of social
situations, which then leads to less practice and social skills
and maybe clumsy attempts to reach out.

(01:13:58):
They can, ironically, elicit thevery rejection they fear.
They feel relieved to escape theanxiety, but heartbroken by the
isolation. And they blame themselves.
So the goal for real self esteemhere is to help them put their
differences in context so they can embrace or at least accept
them. Different doesn't have to mean
bad, worthless, or alone. Precisely different means unique

(01:14:19):
and uniqueness can be a strength.
So how do we address the meaningof these differences?
First, by developing children's media literacy.
Yes, kids are bombarded with messages about what's normal and
desirable. Explain that omissions speak
loudly. If they don't see people like
them represented positively in media, they notice, and they
might internalize that they don't fit.

(01:14:41):
Discuss how social media is a curated highlight reel, not
reality. Empower them to explain their
differences when appropriate, like the peanut allergy example.
Yeah, that can be really empowering.
Explain to classmates can increase empathy and
understanding and give the childa sense of control and prepare
them for rude comments or questions they might receive.
Kids can be curious but also blunt.

(01:15:03):
Rehearse brief, calm explanations, non committal
shrugs or direct assertions likethat's a personal question.
Be careful about directly blaming the difference for
social struggles if a child saysshe hates me because I wear
glasses. Right.
Acknowledge that possibility, sure, but also offer other
explanations. Yeah, maybe she was just annoyed
about something else entirely, or maybe he's just having a bad

(01:15:23):
day, or even maybe he's just kind of a jerk to everyone and
has nothing to do with you personally.
He personalize it. Promote pride in their
background and prepare them for prejudice.
Teach them about their cultural heritage, their family history.
Absolutely. For minority groups, learning
about historical and systemic bias is essential for survival

(01:15:44):
and self worth. This also includes understanding
implicit bias, those unconsciousattitudes that can affect our
actions without us realizing it.Knowing this helps them
understand that sometimes negative experiences aren't
personal attacks, but reflections of broader societal
issues. For inspiring examples, famous
people who share their difference and have thrived or

(01:16:05):
admirable extended family members.
Yes, these role models can be incredibly powerful.
They show kids what's possible, that their difference doesn't
define their future, and that they are part of a larger
capable group or lineage. Appearance related concerns are
huge, especially in adolescence.The book notes that satisfaction
with physical appearance is actually the single largest
predictor of children's self esteem.

(01:16:26):
Sadly, yes, and girls tend to bemore dissatisfied than boys
starting around 4th grade. Weight differences are
especially painful, often fueledby a cultural bias that unfairly
frames obesity is some kind of moral failing which is
incredibly damaging. Shame almost never inspires
positive, lasting change. So if your child expresses

(01:16:48):
appearance concerns, I feel fat,or my acne is terrible,
acknowledge first, don't rush tofix.
Yes, listen first. Reflect their feelings.
You seem really upset about that.
What's going on? Or it sounds like it really
hurts your feelings. When ask what do you think might
help? Offer a hug.
Don't immediately leap to diet plans or skin treatments.
Listen to their pain and validate their feelings first.
Develop strong media literacy together.

(01:17:10):
Talk about how social media is curated.
Definitely. People only post their absolute
best moments, their perfect angles remind them constantly.
You literally can't compare yourinside reality to somebody
else's perfectly filtered outside highlight reel and delay
phones and social media for as long as possible when they do
get them. Set clear limits and conduct

(01:17:32):
spot inspections. Monitor their experience.
Help them look at the whole package.
Use that photo analogy. Yeah, zoom in on a picture until
it's just blobs of color and slowly zoom out to see the whole
person, the full context. Emphasize the complete person,
their kindness, their humor, their talents, not just
perceived flaws. And connect physical differences
to family identity, maybe playfully.

(01:17:54):
That's how we grow them in our family.
Strong legs like your grandpa. Encourage A gentler, healthier
approach to the body. No strict dieting for most kids.
Instead, emphasize healthy choices as a family.
Going for walks together, finding fun active hobbies,
having healthy snacks readily available that everyone enjoys.
Insist on good hygiene and comfortable clothes that fit
well and make them feel good. Focus on health and well-being,

(01:18:16):
not weight numbers. Lastly, help your child find
community and belonging beyond just individual friendships.
The book talks about social groups or cliques.
Usually three to 10 kids who seethemselves as similar.
Research actually shows that children who are members of
social groups are often kinder, happier and better liked by
peers than those with only one-on-one friendships.

(01:18:38):
There's a power in Group belonging.
However, social groups also havedrawbacks right?
Like influence exclusivity status issues.
Group norms emerge and members often become more like in both
positive ways like kindness, andnegative ways like aggression or
rule breaking. There's the US versus them
mentality, which can lead to dislike or even hatred of

(01:19:00):
outsiders and status within popular groups often requires
effort to maintain, sometimes through manipulation or
aggression, and can be linked tohigher risk behaviors.
Brené Brown makes that crucial distinction between fitting in
and belonging, doesn't she? Yes, it's so important.
Fitting in means assessing the situation and becoming who you
think you need to be to be accepted.

(01:19:20):
It's often about performance andhiding parts of yourself.
Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require changing who you
are. It requires being who you are
and feeling known, accepted and valued for your authentic self.
You can ask your child what you have in common with these
friends. How do you feel when you're with
them? Energized or trained, do you

(01:19:41):
feel like you have to hide or change who you are?
Those are great questions. Encourage team experiences
beyond just sports to choir, fencing, robotics clubs,
religious youth groups, support groups, summer camp, even large
extended family gatherings with cousin.
Anything that provides that profound.
Here are people like me feeling that sense of shared identity
and purpose is gold. And urge your child to start the

(01:20:02):
fun, not just wait passively. Yes.
Lonely kids often wait for invitations.
Encourage them to invite others to the park, bowling, laser tag,
a movie night at home. Group activities foster
camaraderie and build their sense of agency.
Just remind them not to reinvitetoo quickly.
Give friendship space. Beware of buying acceptance.
Materialistic goals don't work. Not in long run.

(01:20:24):
The book links them to worst self esteem.
Ask them honestly, how long did the high of that new gadget or
cool clothing actually last? Often it's very fleeting and the
pressure to keep up is immense. And finally, encourage service
volunteering. Yes, it pulls attention outward,
connecting them to something bigger than themselves, to a

(01:20:45):
purpose beyond their own worriesand insecurities.
It could be helping at the locallibrary and animal shelter,
tutoring younger kids at school,or joining a community cleanup.
It profoundly shifts focus from self preoccupation to
contribution and connection. Which brings us beautifully to
the final bigger picture part ofour deep dive.
This includes coping, bullying, and ultimately understand.

(01:21:08):
Right. First, let's be honest.
Kids aren't always kind. Even seemingly non aggressive
children can be mean sometimes. They're impulsive, their empathy
isn't fully developed yet, and they often experiment with
social power dynamics in clumsy or hurtful ways.
We can't expect them to always be perfectly kind, but we can
help them cope with meanness andguide them toward more caring

(01:21:29):
responses. And it's absolutely crucial to
distinguish between bullying andordinary meanness, isn't it?
It really is. Bullying is deliberate,
targeted, repeated cruelty with a clear power difference.
The bully is typically older, bigger, or holds more social
power. This power imbalance makes it
incredibly hard for the target to defend themselves.

(01:21:52):
Bullying is a serious problem clearly linked to anxiety and
depression. Whereas meanness is more like
conflict or ordinary thoughtlessness without that
significant power difference. Exactly.
It's not an excuse for meanness,but it's an important
distinction to avoid trivializing severe abuse or
overreacting to normal childhoodconflicts.
The good news is that overall rates of many types of bullying

(01:22:12):
actually decreased steadily fromkindergarten through 12th grade.
The relational bullying, like social exclusion, tends to peak
around 6th grade. That's the general trend, yes.
Still incredibly painful when ithappens, of course.
So which kids are most often picked on?
Well, there's interpersonal rejection, where a child's
behavior may be being aggressiveor very withdrawn makes others

(01:22:35):
genuinely dislike them. And then there's intergroup
rejection, where a child is a member of a group that peers are
biased against, perhaps due to ethnicity, religion or
disability. Fortunately, most children are
rarely bullied and most recover relatively quickly from online
bullying if they have good support.
Yes, especially if they have strong support at home and good

(01:22:57):
friends at school. That resilience factor is key.
As a parent, if your child is a target and there's any physical
danger, you need to step in immediately.
Absolutely. Safety first, always.
But keep in mind your child's version of events might not
always be the complete story. They might omit their own own
role in the conflict. And children who are bullied are
often reluctant to tell adults they fear it will make things

(01:23:19):
worse. Sadly yes, and research shows
that sometimes telling adults isineffective or even worsens the
situation if handled poorly. So avoid over intervention when
kids can reasonably work things out themselves.
Don't dismiss their feelings, but also don't just tell them to
be tougher and retaliating. Fighting back physically almost

(01:23:39):
always backfires. What about 0 tolerance policies
in schools? The book cautions that
simplistic 0 tolerance policies often don't work very well.
Thoughtful, nuanced interventions tailored to the
situation are needed. What we do know is that big
emotional reactions, intense anger or uncontrolled tears tend
to make children more of a target for bullies.

(01:24:00):
But again, we should never blamethe victim.
Say it loud. No one deserves to be abused.
Period. OK, so real self esteem tips for
being picked on. Help your child internalize the
powerful message. This is not about me, this is
about the other person. Yes, the bully is typically
trying to feel powerful by making someone else feel small.
It's about their issues, not thetargets worth.
Decide if and how to report the problem.

(01:24:22):
Kindergarteners run to adults, but older kids need more
caution. Discreet reporting is often
better. And enlist the teachers help.
Teachers can be incredibly important resources and
understanding classroom dynamicsand fostering an environment
where all children feel safe andincluded, maybe through things
like cooperative games and projects that build unity.
For teasing, which is less severe than bullying, teach them

(01:24:44):
to respond with a flat board tone.
So what? Thanks for noticing.
Role play, nonsense, insults, practicing, not reacting
emotionally. The goal is to be incredibly
boring to drain the fun out of it for the teaser and prevent
escalation. Make yourself an unsatisfying
target. Cyberbullying has unique pains,
right? Anonymous.
Public. Inescapable.

(01:25:06):
Yeah, it falls them home into their private space.
Educate them thoroughly on what's not OK online.
No forwarding mean messages, no fake identities, no cruel
comments. And impress upon them that what
goes online often stays online forever.
Digital citizenship is crucial. And finally, help them create an
empowering narrative from the experience.
Yes, what those kids did to you was wrong.

(01:25:27):
Period. That was cruel and unfair.
But I'm also incredibly proud ofyou.
You could have been nasty back, but you weren't.
You kept going. You navigated that incredibly
tough situation and you found real, kind friends who see you
for who you are. Frame it as strength learned,
resilience built, maybe even empathy gain that can help
others later. Which leads us beautifully to

(01:25:48):
the culmination of the books profound wisdom, real self
esteem and the surprising joys of a quiet ego.
The author shares that poignant story of a middle school girl
whose deepest fear was What if Igrow up to be ordinary?
That hits hard. Does, and it's a surprisingly
common fear, especially in bright, capable kids.

(01:26:09):
It reflects A deeply fragile sense of self esteem built on
intense self focus and that constant need for self
promotion. There's immense cultural
pressure today, isn't there? To be great, to look good, to
constantly achieve, to have a personal brand, even as a kid.
It's relentless, and this pressure crushes kids when they
inevitably fall short. It leads to anxiety, depression,
pushing too hard until they burnout, or giving up entirely

(01:26:32):
because they're too afraid of looking bad or not being the
best. The core problem, the book
argues, isn't inadequacy itself or not being the best.
We all fall short sometimes. It's the unrelenting self
criticism and a constant preoccupation with judging
themselves. It's an exhausting, miserable
and isolating way to live. And this is where the profound
concept of a quiet ego comes in.Researchers define it as a state

(01:26:55):
where the volume of the ego is turned down so that it might
listen to others as well as the self in an effort to approach
life more humanely and compassionately.
Turning the volume down, I like that.
It's a great image, and it's an ancient idea really, echoing
concepts found in Buddhism for thousands of years, where the
individual self is seen as just a tiny interconnected piece of a

(01:27:16):
much larger universe, not the center of everything.
So what are the qualities of adults who cultivate these quiet
egos? They're often described as calm,
confidently present without needing to draw constant
attention to themselves, focusedon the here and now, not
defensive about mistakes, not overly concerned with their
public image and really good at we thinking rather than

(01:27:36):
obsessive. I thinking.
They're just comfortable in their own skin and that makes
them comfortable with others. These underlying skills like
perspective taking, empathy, moral judgement, they develop
gradually over time, right? They do.
And while a truly quiet ego might be aspirational for most
of us, the good news is there are quiet ego states that are

(01:27:57):
accessible to everyone, even kids.
These are fleeting glimpses of what's possible when we move
beyond that constant self focus.OK, let's talk about some of
those powerful states first. Mindfulness.
Yes, deliberately focusing on the present moment, non
judgmentally. Studies show it can decrease
stress, aggression and actually improve cognitive function.
Even young kids can practice it,maybe by focusing on their

(01:28:19):
breath for a minute, watching glitter settle in a jar, or
simply paying attention to the sounds around them without
labeling them good or bad. There are kid friendly apps too.
Then there's flow, coined by Mihaly 6 cent Mihaly.
Flow, that incredible state. When you're so absorbed in a
task that you become utterly unselfconscious.
You lose all track of time, almost merging with the activity

(01:28:40):
itself. The challenge of the task
perfectly matches your ability. It feels deeply satisfying,
effortless, joyful. Like a child completely
engrossed in building with Legosor drawing or swimming laps.
Exactly. Ask your child what activities
bring on that delicious state offlow for them.
It's a powerful antidote to selfconsciousness.

(01:29:00):
Next is compassion. A profound feeling of concern
for other suffering that motivates A genuine desire to
help. It's inherently outward oriented
and powerfully builds attention away from the self and onto
others. Kids learn it primarily by
receiving it themselves and thenby practicing it through things
like volunteer work and acts of kindness and elevation.
Yes, Jonathan Haidt described this.

(01:29:21):
It's that uplifting feeling we get from witnessing acts of
moral beauty or virtue. It's a warm, expansive sensation
in the chest, and it motivates us to want to help others and be
better ourselves. Think of watching an inspiring
news clip about someone overcoming adversity, or a
beautiful act of selflessness. Show kids those stories, that

(01:29:41):
breathtaking feeling we get whenencountering something of
extraordinary beauty or greatness.
A vast panoramic view of nature,exquisitely moving music, gazing
at the stars on a clear night, or a profound artistic or
religious experience. It makes us feel wonderfully
small but simultaneously connected to something much
bigger than ourselves. It inspires generosity and a
sense of interconnectedness. Go for hikes, visit museums,

(01:30:04):
look at the stars. The book persuasively argues
that this focus on a quiet ego built through connection,
competence and choice is the real self esteem revolution.
It's about moving beyond superficial self focus to truly
thrive, not just survive in a world that puts immense pressure
on children. That's the heart of it.
So to recap our deep dive into Eileen Kennedy Moore's or

(01:30:25):
falling into the trap of narcissism, right.
It's about fostering genuine connection with others, building
real competence through. Effort and strategy and
empowering children with the freedom and courage of choice.
We explored the power of shifting from relentless self
focus to outward engagement. Understanding that crucial
difference between shame and guilt.
Using soft criticism to guide rather than condemn.

(01:30:47):
Nurturing a growth mindset that embraces effort and process over
innate ability. Embracing realistic standards
and finding supportive communities where kids can truly
belong just by being themselves.And at the heart of it all is
the beauty of the quiet ego, that state of being where self
judgment. Fades, allowing for presence,
compassion, and a profound connection to something larger

(01:31:08):
than oneself. This path built on moments of
mindfulness, the joy of flow, the warmth of compassion.
The inspiration of Elevation andthe wonder of Awe is how we
truly help children navigate thepressures of modern life and
find genuine, lasting well-being.
So we encourage you listening tomaybe observe your own reactions
to your. Children's struggles and perhaps

(01:31:29):
even your own inner critic. Think about your parenting.
What one tiny shift in perspective or action could
create a ripple effect of confidence in your child's life
and maybe even your own. Yeah, maybe it's committing to
more processed praise. This week, we're trying one soft
criticism. Conversation or just carving out
five minutes a day for that special playtime we talked

(01:31:49):
about. What small step could you take
this week to truly turn down thevolume of the ego?
Just a little bit for yourself or your child to cultivate a
little more connection, competence, or choice.
Something to think about, definitely.
Thank you so much for joining uson this deep dive.
Until next time.

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Kid Confidence - The Surprising Truth About Helping Kids Feel Capable

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Kid Confidence - The Surprising Truth About Helping Kids Feel Capable