Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – Why We Just Don’t Get Each Other

If it feels like your partner speaks another language… they kind of do. This episode unpacks the emotional needs, stress responses, and love strategies that differ between Mars and Venus.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
All right, let's unpack this. You know that moment, right?
You're sitting across from your partner, the person you adore,
and they say something that just, well, doesn't compute,
like they're speaking an entirely different language.
Or maybe, just maybe, they actually are from a different
planet. Right, it feels like that
sometimes. You love them, yes, but

(00:21):
sometimes maintaining that connection feels less like a
blissful dance and more like trying to assemble IKEA
furniture with a manual written in ancient Sumerian.
That's a good one, yeah. You try to offer a helpful
suggestion, maybe something likehoney, Are you sure this bolt
goes there? It looks like it belongs to a
different piece and suddenly boom is World War 3.
Oh absolutely, it can escalate so fast.

(00:43):
Familiar. It's baffling, isn't it?
It. Absolutely is.
And it's a deeply relatable scenario for millions, I mean,
millions of people around the globe.
That exact moment of bewildering, almost alien
communication. It really found its Rosetta
Stone in John Gray's groundbreaking book, Men are
from Mars, Women Are from Venus.Oh, the classic.

(01:05):
It's exactly This isn't just some best selling book.
It's become, well, like a manual, a guide, truly a decoder
ring for understanding human relationships.
Its core premise is remarkably simple yet profoundly impactful,
which is that men and women, despite sharing the same planet,
truly operate on different rulesand different languages, driven

(01:27):
by fundamental psychological andemotional wiring.
You know, yeah, OK. It's these deeply ingrained
differences that lead to common yet surprisingly solvable
misunderstandings. The book isn't about blaming
anyone, not at all. It's about providing A framework
for profound understanding. Exactly.
And that's our mission for this deep dive.

(01:48):
We're going to pull apart John Gray's most transformative
insights, dig into some surprising facts, look at real
life examples, and most importantly, give you actionable
strategies that can literally transform how you communicate
and deepen your intimacy. And the liberating part is huge.
It's not about changing your partner, right?
It's about shifting your own approach, your own understanding
of how they operate. That's key O.

(02:11):
It's about understanding, not fixing the other person.
Recisely. Think of this as your personal
shortcut to being genuinely wellinformed about relationship
dynamics, aiming squarely for those powerful aha moments that
can change everything for you. Yeah, getting that user manual
you never knew you needed. Exactly the one that should have
come with the relationship. So let's really unpack this

(02:33):
central metaphor because it's somuch more than just a catchy
title or, you know, a convenientstereotype.
Right, it goes deeper. When John Gray titled his book
Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus, he was pointing to
these deeply ingrained psychological and emotional
differences that influence pretty much every single
interaction, every reaction, every feeling.
It's not about what someone should be based on some ideal,

(02:56):
but about understanding what they are at their core maybe.
That's a crucial distinction, Yeah.
And the book really hammers thishome by asserting that men and
women don't just communicate differently.
It goes much deeper. It says they think, feel,
perceive, react, respond, love, need and appreciate differently.
Wow, that covers everything. It's pretty comprehensive,
right? It's like a difference in how

(03:18):
our internal operating systems are wired.
And consider the historical context Gray highlights.
In previous generations, you know, societal roles were often
more separated. Men and women had clearer,
albeit sometimes rigid, expectations for their roles
within a relationship in society.
Right, things were more defined,maybe simpler in that way.
Perhaps. But today, with men and women

(03:40):
working side by side, sharing responsibilities more equally
and having much higher expectations for romance and
intimacy at home, well, this deep understanding of our
inherent differences becomes absolutely essential.
Because the old rules don't alley anymore.
Exactly, and without this insight you can easily fall into
the trap of blaming our problemson our partners rather than our

(04:02):
own approach. Blame game.
Yeah, and as Gray points out, that kind of thinking sets you
up for failure and disappointment.
It's an almost guaranteed path to feeling perpetually
frustrated because you're expecting them to operate, to
feel, to respond like you do when they simply don't.
It's like trying to get a Mac torun Windows software without any
compatibility layers. Like you said, just doesn't

(04:23):
work. Precisely.
It just leads to error messages.And John Gray doesn't just
theorize about this Martian Venusian lied, He grounds it in
his own very raw personal story,which I found really compelling.
Oh. Yeah, that story is powerful.
Tell us about it. OK, so he talks about this
transformative moment just a week after his daughter Lauren
was born. His wife, Bonnie was in pain

(04:46):
after the delivery, taking painkillers.
He'd gone back to work, and Bonnie unexpectedly ran out of
her pills. Instead of calling him at the
office, she asked his brother, who happened to be visiting, to
get them. OK, makes sense.
But his brother, bless his heart, completely forgot.
Oh no. So she was stuck.
Totally stuck, which meant Bonnie spent the entire day in

(05:06):
excruciating pain caring for a newborn, feeling completely
stranded and, well, unhurt. Wow, that's rough with a newborn
too. Yeah, so when John finally came
home, he had no idea about her ordeal.
So when she expressed her distress, saying things like
I've been in pain all day, I ranout of pills, I've been stranded

(05:27):
in bed, and nobody cares, John misinterpreted her words
entirely. How so?
What did he hear? Well, as a Martian, he heard
accusation, direct blame for herpain and neglect, even though he
literally didn't know about it. So he took it personally as
criticism. Exactly.
This, of course, triggered his own defensive reaction.

(05:49):
He exploded, saying, why didn't you call me?
How was I supposed to know he was furious that she was blaming
him when he hadn't even known she was in pain?
His logic driven brain just couldn't compute the emotional
outburst. That Martian logic kicking in.
Problem solving, not emotion reading.
Right. And he felt completely fed up,
ready to just walk out, head forthe door, retreat into his own
space, or, as we'll talk about later, his cave.

(06:11):
OK. The classic withdrawal.
But this is where the magic, or rather the profound life
altering insight happened. Bonnie stopped him, and what she
said was absolutely pivotal. What was it?
She said please don't leave, this is when I need you the
most. I'm in pain, I haven't slept in
days. Please listen to me.
And then the plea that truly broke through John Gray, you're

(06:32):
a fair weather friend. As long as I'm sweet, loving
Bonnie, you are here for me. But as soon as I'm not, you walk
right out that door. Wow.
That's direct. Incredibly direct.
And then she tearfully clarifiedher true need.
Right now I'm in pain. I have nothing to give.
I just need to feel your arms around me.
You don't have to say anything. Please don't go.

(06:53):
And that, Gray admits, was his big aha moment.
It wasn't about him doing anything to fix her pain.
It was about him being there, physically present, emotionally
available maybe. Exactly.
He realized this was the true meaning of unconditional love.
He always thought of himself as loving, but he recognized he'd
been a fair weather friend, loving her back when she was
happy and nice, but arguing or distancing himself when she was

(07:16):
unhappy or upset. So it challenged his whole view
of love. Totally.
This time, for the first time, he simply stayed, held her and
listened. And he said it felt great.
Not because he solved anything, but because he was present.
He realized it was real love, caring for another person,
trusting in our love, being there at her hour of need.

(07:38):
Wow, that's profound, just beingthere.
Yeah, this moment of just being there completely shifted his
perspective and laid the groundwork for the book score
teachings. It wasn't about fixing her pain,
but about loving her through it,offering emotional support
without that pressure to solve. That's such a powerful anecdote,
and it perfectly sets the stage for why this book resonated with

(08:00):
so many people. It's not just theory from some
expert up on high. Right.
It's lived experience, and the book shares another powerful
story about a couple named Susanand Jim.
They didn't married nine years, were right on the brink of
divorce, completely disillusioned, believing they
were just two different, fundamentally incompatible.
You hear that a lot. More all the time.
Irreconcilable differences. Exactly.

(08:21):
But after attending one of John Gray's seminars and learning
these very distinctions we're talking about, they were amazed.
They learned that their differences were not only
normal, but to be expected. So it wasn't them being uniquely
broken. No, the very things driving them
apart were common, predictable patterns.
And this realization that their struggles weren't unique

(08:41):
failures, but common relationship dynamics, it
comforted them deeply. I bet it shifts the blame from
who's wrong to what's misunderstood.
Precisely. It shifted the blame from their
character to their understanding.
In just two days, they gained a completely new understanding of
how men and women operate, and they fell in love again.

(09:02):
Just like that. Amazing.
Six years later, they were stillhappily married, thanking Gray
for helping them stay together. Jim even said this information
about our differences has given me back my wife.
This is the greatest gift I could ever receive.
Wow, that says it all. It's truly like suddenly getting
the manual for a complex machineyou thought was broken, maybe
malfunctioning even, but it was just being operated incorrectly.

(09:23):
Yeah, you don't try to change the machine itself.
You learn its mechanics, its unique quirks, and how to use it
as intended. That's the core of the Martian
and Venusian Insight right there.
Understand the wiring and you can prevent so much unnecessary
friction. It's fascinating how the book
points out that falling in love is always magical, almost
effortlessly beautiful. You know that phase.

(09:44):
Oh yeah, the honeymoon period. Everything's perfect.
Exactly In that initial phase, everything seems to align.
But then, as daily life takes over, as familiarity sets in,
those subtle differences begin to emerge, and they can create
real tension. Men continue to expect women to
think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and

(10:04):
behave like women. And without a clear, conscious
awareness of these fundamental differences, even the best, most
loving intentions can go completely awry.
So you're trying to help but it blows up in your face.
Exactly. You genuinely try to help, you
genuinely try to connect, but somehow you just make things
worse, leaving both partners confused and frustrated.
Oh, this is so real for so many.Let's unpack what John Gray so

(10:28):
aptly calls the Home ImprovementCommittee.
Yes, the committee. This is when women with truly
good nurturing intentions try toassist him in growing and
improve the way he does things. They see potential.
Right. They genuinely believe they're
nurturing their partners, seeingpotential and wanting to help
him reach it or maybe avoid future problems.

(10:49):
It's an act of love, right? Like honey, I love you, and if
you just did XY and Z differently, your life and our
life together would be so much smoother, so much better.
It comes from a good place, absolutely.
But here's the Venusian blind spot, the crucial
misunderstanding from a man's perspective.
He doesn't feel nurtured, he feels controlled, or that she is

(11:09):
trying to fix him, as if he's inherently broken or inadequate.
This, the buck emphasizes, May. Humiliate him.
Humiliate him, Yeah. And the core insight here is
absolutely critical for women tograsp.
To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he
doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own.
OK, so it hits his competence. Exactly.
Men are incredibly sensitive about their competence.

(11:33):
For a Martian, asking for help, especially when you feel you can
handle it yourself, is often seen as a sign of weakness or
failure. Right?
So when a woman, even with the best intentions, offers
unsolicited advice, she's unintentionally implying he's
incompetent or that she doesn't trust his judgement, and that
can be deeply wounding for him. OK, give us an example like the

(11:54):
classic getting lost scenario. Perfect one Tom and Mary getting
lost on the way to a party. Tom's driving, maybe circling
the same, blocked for 20 minutes, clearly lost, visibly
frustrated. We've all been there or seen it.
Right Mary thinking she's helpful and caring and seeing
his struggle suggests why don't you pull over and call for
directions or just look it up onyour phone?

(12:15):
Seems logical. Totally logical, helpful even.
To her, yes, but Tom immediatelybecomes very silent, tense, his
jaw clenching. The tension persists through the
whole evening, long after they've finally arrived.
Why? What's happening for him?
Because Mary, bless her Phoenician heart, thinks I love
and care about you. So I'm offering you a logical

(12:36):
solution to your problem. But what Tom the Martian hears
is I don't trust you to get us there.
You are incompetent and I need to tell you what to do.
That's a big difference in perception.
Huge. And that's a total turn off for
him. His silence isn't disinterest,
it's wounded pride and a feelingof being undermined.

(12:57):
OK, so that's the home improvement Committee.
What's the male equivalent? That would be Mr. Fixit.
This is the male counterpart, and it's equally
well-intentioned, but often justas damaging, just in a different
way. How does Mr. Fixit operate?
A man's impulse when he sees a woman upset, frustrated, or
struggling is to help her feel better by solving her problem.
He. Wants to fix it, make the

(13:18):
problem go away. Exactly.
He feels valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities
are used to fix things. He genuinely believes he's being
supportive, that he's demonstrating his love and
capability by offering solutions.
That's how he shows he cares. But, and I sense a big butt
coming. You sense correctly.
As Gray explains, she doesn't need fixing most of the time.

(13:40):
She just needs more understanding and affection.
She needs empathy, not solutions.
Bingo on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to
offer a solution. It's an invitation to listen, to
validate, to connect emotionally.
So what happens when he offers solutions and she stays upset?
Well, when a man offers solutions and the woman remains

(14:02):
upset, perhaps even more upset, he feels useless because his
solution, which he sees as his valuable contribution, is being
rejected. He.
Feels like he failed. Exactly.
He has no idea that simply listening patiently with empathy
and interest is often the most supportive, most loving thing he
can possibly do. He thinks I offered a fix.
Why isn't she fixed? OK, let's use Mary and Tom

(14:24):
again. Mary comes home stressed.
Right Mary comes home from an exhausting day at work.
She's overwhelmed, visibly stressed, and says there's so
much to do. I don't have any time for
myself. My boss piled on three new
projects today and I just can't keep up.
OK, classic vent. What does old Tom Mr. Fixit do?
Old Tom jumps in immediately, brimming with solutions.

(14:44):
You should quit that job. Find something you like to do
that doesn't stress you out. Or maybe don't listen to them.
Just do what you can do and don't worry about the rest.
Trying to solve the external problem.
Yes, but Mary, rather than feeling helped, becomes even
more frustrated, feeling unheard.
His attempts to solve her problem only make her feel
invalidated, like her feelings aren't being acknowledged or

(15:06):
that she's being told how to feel.
So he's missing the emotional need entirely.
Completely. But the new Tom, after learning
these Martian Venusian insights,reacts totally differently.
How does new Tom handle it? Now when Mary says there is so
much to do, I have no time for me, Tom takes a deep breath,
maybe relaxes his body language and says something like Humph,

(15:27):
sounds like you had a really hard day, honey.
Just acknowledging it. Just acknowledging when she
continues. They expect me to change
everything at a moment's notice.I don't know what to do.
He just pauses, maintains eye contact and says, maybe with a
thoughtful expression. Hmm, that sounds incredibly
frustrating. No solutions, just listening
sounds. Exactly validating sounds when

(15:48):
she expresses feeling bad about forgetting to call her aunt, he
says with a slightly wrinkled brow.
Oh no, that's tough. He listens patiently, with
empathy. He's not solving anything.
He's not offering advice. He's just being there.
And the result. Mary feels tremendous relief and
fulfillment. She physically relaxes, her
shoulders drop. She might even give him a hug.

(16:11):
The problem isn't solved in a practical sense, but her
emotional state is completely transformed.
Because he filled her emotional tank, not her solution tank.
You got it. It's a perfect illustration of
the core conflict Gray illuminates.
Women instinctively offer adviceand try to improve when men
primarily need acceptance, trustand to feel competent.
And men instinctively offer solutions and try to fix

(16:33):
problems when women primarily need empathy, understanding and
to feel heard. Exactly.
And the crucial take away the book offers is this.
When our partner resists us, it is probably because we have made
a mistake in our timing or approach.
It's not them being difficult, it's maybe our delivery.
Often, yeah. It's not that your intentions
are bad or that your partner is being stubborn.

(16:54):
It's often a simple miss calibration of needs and
communication styles, a mismatchin what helping actually means
to each of them. OK, so if our good intentions
can get lost in translation, what happens when stress really
hits? Because Gray argues that our
fundamental differences really surface when we're under
pressure. This leads to distinct coping

(17:15):
mechanisms he brilliantly calls caves and waves.
Caves and waves. Classic Gray.
Let's dive into one of the biggest differences between men
and women, which is how they cope with stress.
This seems to be the root of so much unspoken friction and
misunderstanding. It really is.
John Gray introduces The Cave asa man's primary coping mechanism

(17:36):
when he faces stress or a problem.
When a man is stressed, he will instinctively withdraw into The
Cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem.
OK, so he goes internal. Completely internal, he becomes
increasingly distant, forgetful,unresponsive and preoccupied.
And importantly, it's not personal.
It's a physiological and psychological response to
internalize and process. It's not about her, it's about

(17:59):
the problem. Generally, yes.
Think of it like this. When he's retreated into his
cave, it seems as if only 5% of his mind is available for the
relationship, for conversation, for emotional connection.
The other 95% is still back at the office or wrestling with
whatever problem he's focused on.
Just total hyper focus tuning everything else out.

(18:20):
Right. And he needs to solve it.
This isn't just idleness or zoning out aimlessly.
Greg gives great examples of what these cave activities look
like, Like what Jim might come home stressed from work and
immediately immerse himself in reading the newspaper.
He's not just absorbing current events, Gray suggests.
He's vicariously finding solutions for world problems,

(18:41):
engaging his problem solving brain on something external and
manageable. Interesting, so it's still
problem solving, just displaced.Exactly or Tom might plan
himself in front of the TV to watch a football game, releasing
his stress by solving the problems of his favorite team,
strategizing plays, analyzing defenses.
These activities aren't distractions from the

(19:01):
relationship in a malicious thisway.
They are genuine, almost instinctual mechanisms to
release his mind from the grip of his real problems.
It's like a mental pressure release valve.
Precisely. And here's the kicker, the
ultimate Martian release. If he finds a solution, or even
just feels like he has a grasp on the problem, instantly he

(19:22):
will feel much better and come out of his cave.
Suddenly he is available for being in a relationship again.
Poof, he's back like nothing happened.
Pretty much refreshed and ready to connect.
But, and here's the challenge. For women, this cave behavior
can be incredibly perplexing. Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah. How does it usually land?
It often leads to profound misinterpretations.

(19:42):
Women often misinterpret a man'ssilence as uncaring, ignoring,
or even punitive. Like he's giving her the silent
treatment. Exactly, because for Venusians,
talking about problems, expressing emotions and seeking
connection is how they cope and process stress.
So when he goes silent, she might think, is something wrong?
Is he mad at me? Did I do something?
Does he not care about me anymore?

(20:03):
She takes it personally. Understandably so, given her own
operating system. The book highlights a key
insight here. To expect a man who is in his
cave instantly to become open, responsive and loving is as
unrealistic as expecting a womanwho is upset immediately to calm
down and make complete sense. Both need their own process.
Right. Both are operating on their own

(20:25):
intrinsic needs and timelines. And it's so true because when a
woman is silent, it often does mean she's angry or hurt, or
doesn't trust him, or is intentionally withdrawing
emotionally. So she projects that reason onto
his silence. It's a very easy mistake to make
when a man is silent. It is easy for a woman to
imagine the worst, but it's a dangerous one that can escalate

(20:46):
conflict unnecessarily. John Gray offers a powerful
warning against following him into his cave.
Don't go in after him. No.
He describes a Native American teaching that when a man
withdraws, a woman should never follow him into his cave.
If she did, then she would get burned by the dragon who
protected The Cave. The dragon was the dragon.

(21:06):
The dragon is the man losing control, becoming irritable,
saying regrettable things he doesn't mean because his
internal processing is being interrupted and he feels
pressured, blamed, or even attacked in his private mental
space. It's like poking a bear.
OK, so give him the space. Don't poke the dragon.
Got it. Now what about the wave?
The wave. This is how women tend to cope

(21:28):
with stress and how their self esteem and emotional well-being
operate. According to Gray, a woman's
self esteem rises and falls in awave motion like tides.
Exactly when feeling good, she will reach a peak, a high point
of happiness and connection. But then suddenly her mood may
change and her wave crashes down.
And this crash isn't necessarilycaused by anything specific.

(21:50):
Often, not directly. This downturn isn't necessarily
a problem to be solved, or even a sign of depression in the
clinical sense, but a time for emotional house cleaning where
suppressed negative feelings or denied herself come up to be
processed. So it's a natural cycle.
A natural, necessary emotional purge.
She feels an inner emptiness andneeds to be filled up with love

(22:13):
and understanding from her partner.
Bonnie Grey's wife had a metaphor for this too, right?
Yes, she beautifully describes this experience as going down
into a dark well. She experiences unexplained
emotions and vague feelings, feeling hopeless, thinking she
is all alone or unsupported. That sounds intense.
So what's the man's role here? He can't just fix it.
No, and that's the crucial insight.

(22:35):
A man's support cannot instantlyresolve a woman's issues when
she's in this well. In fact, sometimes she may feel
worse initially after sharing orreceiving support.
Wait, Feeling worse means it's working?
That sounds counterintuitive. It does, but think about it,
this worsening isn't a sign his support is failing, it's a sign
that's actually helping her to hit bottom sooner, which is

(22:58):
necessary before she can start to rise again with renewed
energy and self esteem. OK, like Lancing a boil, it
hurts more initially, but it's necessary for healing.
That's a good analogy. Or like clearing out a cluttered
attic. It gets messier, dustier, and
more overwhelming before it getstruly clean and organized.
You have to pull everything out before you can put it back

(23:18):
neatly. You have to feel the feelings
fully to release them. OK, that makes sense.
But how do men typically react to this wave?
Do they get it? Often not instinctively.
This brings us to how men react to the wave.
Men, not understanding this natural cyclical process,
mistakenly assume her mood is based solely on his behavior and

(23:39):
thus try to fix it. Back to Mr. Fixit again.
Yep. They feel responsible for her
happiness, so if she's down theyimmediately think they must have
done something wrong or they need to solve her problems and
pull her out of it fast. Give us an example, Bill and
Mary. Perfect Bill.
Witnessing Mary's emotional downswings would try to fix her
with explanations of why she shouldn't be upset.

(23:59):
He'd say things like don't worry, it's not that bad or you
shouldn't feel that way. It's illogical.
Oh. Telling someone how they should
feel, that always goes well. Never.
This, predictably, only made Mary more frustrated, feeling
dismissed and unheard. Because he's invalidating her
experience. Exactly.
The book emphasizes the last thing a woman needs when she is

(24:20):
on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn't be
down. What she needs is someone to be
with her as she goes down. Just presents again, like with
Bonnie and Pain. It's a recurring theme.
It's like someone falling into that what we talked about and
instead of just being present, maybe offering a hand to study
them, you're shouting that you shouldn't be falling.
Just stop. It's not logical.

(24:40):
They need to hit bottom first, feel those feelings fully to
gather the momentum to climb out.
Precisely so For both sexes, understanding these natural,
often unconscious coping mechanisms, The Cave and the
wave, is absolutely vital. It helps avoid unnecessary
conflict and allows you to trulysupport each other through these

(25:02):
distinct internal processes. It's about recognizing that love
isn't always about fixing. Sometimes it's just about being
present, holding space. You nailed it.
OK, moving on to communication itself, one of the most
fascinating aspects of John Gray's work, and certainly one
of the most practical for everyday interactions, is this
concept that men and women use different implicit dictionaries.

(25:24):
Different dictionaries meaning the same words have different
meanings. Essentially, yes, we might use
the same exact words, but the underlying meaning, the
intention, the emotional baggagebehind them is often completely
different, and this leads to profound misinterpretations that
can escalate into arguments fast.
This is where it gets really interesting and often frankly,
hilariously relatable. Let's dive into When Venusian's

(25:46):
talk, how women often use what Gray calls generalities and
dramatic language to express feelings.
Hyperbole, maybe? Sometimes, yeah.
And what's crucial here is that this dramatic, sometimes
hyperbolic language often hides a specific, implied request for
support. The subtext.
Exactly something a Martian would completely miss because

(26:08):
he's focused on the literal meaning the problems be solved,
or worse, the perceived criticism in the dramatic
language. Gray provides that fantastic
Venusian Martian phrase dictionary in the book.
It really is like a Rosetta Stone for communication.
Let's walk through some common ones.
OK, hit me. What's a classic Venusian
phrase? How about we never go out?

(26:29):
OK, we never go out. What does a Martian typically
hear? A Martian hear something like
you are failing as a partner, you are not doing your job.
What a disappointment you have turned out to be.
We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy,
unromantic and just boring. Wow, that's a lot to read into.
We never go out. He feels attacked.
Totally blamed, criticized, and probably demotivated.

(26:52):
But what she means the implied request is actually something
closer to I feel like going out and doing something fun
together. We always have such a great time
and I love being with you. What do you think?
Would you Take Me Out to dinner or maybe we could see that new
movie? It has been a few days since we
went out and I'd really enjoy that connection.
So she's expressing a desire forconnection, not delivering a

(27:13):
critique of his character. Exactly.
It's a bid for romance, not a condemnation.
OK, give me another one. How about everyone ignores me?
Oh, that sounds dramatic. What's the Martian translation?
You might hear I am so unhappy. I just can't get the attention I
need. Everything is completely
hopeless. Even you don't notice me and you
are the person who is supposed to love me.
You should be ashamed, you are so unloving.

(27:35):
I would never ignore you this way.
Again, straight to feeling blamed and defensive.
Right, but her implied request is actually much softer.
I'm feeling a little overlooked right now and I need some
special attention and reassurance.
Would you tell me that you appreciate me and tell me how
special I am to you? I just need to feel seen right
now. It's a cry for validation and

(27:56):
affection, not a personal attack.
She feels invisible and wants reassurance.
Precisely. OK, another classic that causes
friction. I am so tired I can't do
anything. OK, Martian interpretation.
Could be I do everything and youdo nothing, you should do more.
I can't do it all. I feel so hopeless to want a
real man to live with. Picking you is a big mistake and
I regret this relationship. Ouch.

(28:18):
That's a massive leap of negative interpretation.
So unfair. It is, but it happens.
But what she's really saying is probably more like I've been
doing so much today. I'm utterly exhausted.
I really need a rest before I can do anything more.
I am so lucky to have your support and know you're here.
Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a
good job and that I deserve a rest?
I just need a moment to recharge.

(28:40):
She's just exhausted and seekingcomfort and reassurance, not
judgement or a lecture on workload distribution.
Exactly. My personal favorite might be
This House is always a mess. I've definitely heard that one.
A very common 1 to a Martian that often translates to this
house is a mess because of you. I do everything possible to

(29:01):
clean it up and before I have finished you have messed it up
again. You are a lazy slob and I don't
want to live with you unless youchange, clean up or clear out.
Whoa, talk about a misinterpretation that can cause
a massive argument. That's accusatory.
Extremely, but what she actuallymeans is likely something like
today. I feel like relaxing but the
house is looking so messy that it's stressing me out and making

(29:23):
it hard to relax. I am frustrated and I need a
rest. I hope you don't expect me to
clean it all up alone right now.Would you agree with me that it
is a bit of a mess and then offer to help clean up part of
it? Or just give me a hug and tell
me it's OK to relax despite the mess.
She's feeling overwhelmed by thedomestic stuff and just needs a
little understanding and maybe an offer of help or even just

(29:44):
permission to relax without guilt.
You got it. And one more when a Venusian
says, often with a sigh. Nothing is working.
Sounds like despair. What does he hear?
The Martian interpretation can be incredibly harsh.
You never do anything right. I can't trust you.
If I hadn't listened to you, I wouldn't be in this mess.
Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse.

(30:06):
And now I'm stuck. Hey man, he really internalizes
it as his fault. Often yes.
The intended message, however, is far more vulnerable and
probably self-directed. Today I'm so overwhelmed and
feeling really down, and I'm so grateful that I can share my
feelings with you. It helps me so much just to talk
about it and feel better today. It seems like nothing I do

(30:26):
works. I know that this is not true,
but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the
things I still have to do. Would you just give me a hug and
tell me that I'm doing a great job?
You would sure feel good and help me feel less alone.
Wow. See how easy it is to
misinterpret these expressions as direct blame or criticism
when they're genuinely calls foremotional support, connection,
or reassurance. It's incredibly easy.

(30:48):
It's like trying to navigate a dense fog without a compass,
constantly bumping into invisible walls because you're
interpreting the signals all wrong.
And the fog gets even thicker when we consider when Martians
don't talk. It seems like the biggest
communication challenge for women, right?
Interpreting silence. Absolutely, Gray says.
Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women because

(31:10):
women by nature think out loud. They discover what they want to
say, what they feel, what they need through the very process of
talking. It's how they process.
Totally normal and healthy for them.
Right. But men process information very
differently. Before they talk or respond,
especially to problems or complex issues, they first
silently Mull over or think about what they've heard or

(31:33):
experienced. They go into The Cave mentally.
Exactly. They formulate the most correct
or useful response internally, analyzing strategizing before
they ever utter a word. This can take minutes or even
hours of internal processing, and if they don't have enough
information to process an answeror find a solution, they might
not respond at all until they do.
So when he's silent, what does awoman often hear or assume?

(31:57):
She might jump to conclusions inhere.
I am not responding to you because I don't care about you
and I am going to ignore you. You are not important enough for
my attention. That sounds hurtful.
It is, but what he's actually thinking internally is probably
more like. I don't know what to say yet,
but I am thinking about it. I'm trying to solve this.
Please give me space. Because a woman's own silence

(32:17):
typically signifies something negative, right?
Disinterest. Anger.
Hurt. Yes, exactly.
So when a man is silent, it is easy for a woman to imagine the
worst. She expects him to reassure her,
maybe make a little noises like uh huh, or to show he's
listening and engaged. The active listening cues.
Right, but a man in his silent processing mode might offer none

(32:39):
of that. His focus is entirely internal,
not on providing external cues. OK, the Martian Venusian Phrase
dictionary must have entries forwhen men do talk, but only
briefly. Write those short, clipped
answers. Oh definitely.
For example, a man might say with a pretty neutral tone, I'm
OK. OK, I'm OK.
What could a woman misinterpret that as?
She might hear I am not upset because I do not not care about

(33:03):
the situation or maybe I'm not willing to share with you my
upset feelings. I do not trust you to be there
for me or I don't want to burdenyou.
So emotional distance or lack oftrust.
Yeah but what he truly means is probably closer to I am OK,
meaning I can deal with my upsetor problem myself.
I don't need any help, thank you.

(33:24):
He's communicating self-sufficiency, a desire to
handle things internally, not emotional coldness or distrust.
It's a signal of competence, notrejection.
Often, yes. Or if he says simply, it's
nothing. What does it's nothing mean in
Martian? It simply means nothing is
bothering me that I cannot handle by myself.
It's his way of minimizing the issue to others, maybe to

(33:45):
prevent them from worrying. OK, and it's all right if he
says it with a nod. That often means this is a
problem, but you are not to blame for it.
I can resolve this within myselfif you don't interrupt my
process by asking more questionsor offering suggestions.
Just act like it didn't happen and I can process it within
myself more effectively. So he wants silent acceptance or
space, the freedom to work through it alone without feeling

(34:07):
pressured or interrogated. Exactly.
And here's a truly critical point for women to internalize,
something Gray emphasizes. Not worrying about him is
difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way
women express their love and caring.
Right. She feels she should worry if
she cares. Yes.
So a woman might feel it's not right to be happy or relaxed

(34:29):
when her partner is upset or stressed.
She feels a need to show concern, to offer help, to,
well, worry. But that's not what he needs.
Often no. For men, they actually show love
by not worrying for others and by minimizing their own
troubles. They might say to another man,
don't worry, you can handle it as a sign of confidence and
respect. So minimizing is a sign of trust

(34:50):
in Martian. It can be.
John Gray himself took years to understand that his wife
actually wanted him to worry forher when she was upset.
His minimizing and reassuring her that it's nothing only made
her feel worse, unheard and unsupported.
He was trying to help in his way, but it was the wrong way
for her. It's a fundamental mismatch in
how love and support are expressed.
It's huge. It is, but when both partners

(35:13):
understand these different languages, they can adjust their
expectations and responses. Gray shares that wonderful
anecdote about himself and Bonnie that exemplifies
successful Martian support. Their passport story.
Exactly. He had forgotten his passport at
home before a major trip to Sweden, and he called Bonnie
from New York, totally panicking.
OK, prime situation for criticism or fixing.

(35:36):
How does she react? Her reaction was beautiful,
really a master class. She didn't lecture him.
She didn't criticize. She didn't offer unsolicited
advice about what he should havedone.
No, I told you so. None of that.
Instead, she laughed, not at him, but with a sense of
understanding and compassion, and said, Oh my goodness, John,
you have such adventures, what are you going to do?
Such adventures that frames it so differently.

(35:58):
Doesn't it? She listened.
She expressed understanding of his experience, adventures and
then allowed him the space and crucially, the trust to find a
solution without judgement. She didn't jump in to fix it for
him. No, she didn't offer unsolicited
advice. She didn't accuse him of being
irresponsible or incompetent. She gave him trust and

(36:18):
acceptance, which is precisely what a man needs in that
situation to activate his problem solving mode without
feeling humiliated. She was even proud of him later
for finding a solution on his own.
That's successful Martian support in action.
It allowed him to problem solve without feeling shamed.
Just imagine how different that conversation would have been if
she'd said, how could you forgetyour passport, John?

(36:40):
I told you to pack it last night.
Now what are we going to do? Oh, completely different
outcome? Total shutdown likely.
It's a simple but profound example of how knowing these
dictionary differences can transform interactions from
potential conflict into actual connection and support.
OK, so we're understanding communication better, but
sometimes reactions seem bigger than the situation warrants,

(37:01):
right? Definitely like a small thing
triggers a huge emotional response.
Exactly. As relationships deepen and as
we engage more intimately, sometimes past wounds surface,
wounds that have absolutely nothing to do with our current
partner, but they come up with surprising intensity.
John Gray introduces A profound concept to explain this the 9010

(37:24):
principle. The 9010 principle.
What's that? The idea is when you are upset,
particularly when your reaction seems disproportionate to the
immediate trigger. About 90% of the upset is
related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think
is upsetting us. Generally, only about 10% of our
upset is appropriate to the present experience.
Wow, 90% is the past. That's huge.

(37:45):
It is. It's like having an old open
wound, or sore from childhood, or maybe past relationships.
Normal pokes and bumps of relating, a forgotten
appointment, a dismissive tone. They hurt much, much more if
those past wounds are active andunhealed.
So your current partner just becomes the trigger for an old
pain. Precisely.
They didn't necessarily cause the depth of the pain, they just
poke the bruise. That makes so much sense, Gray

(38:06):
explains. That love brings up our
unresolved feelings. How does that work?
Well, the idea is that when we feel safe and loved in a present
relationship, that very safety paradoxically thaws out our
repressed feelings, making it safe for them to surface, often
unexpectedly, so they can finally be healed and released.

(38:27):
So feeling safe makes it OK for the old stuff to come up.
Kind of, yeah. So if you're suddenly feeling an
intense wave of abandonment or rejection, it might not be
entirely about what your partnerjust did in this moment.
It could be the pain of your childhood or a past hurt being
projected onto the present. That's a powerful concept
because it shifts the, doesn't it?
It's not all about your partner.It's an opportunity for personal

(38:49):
healing. Exactly.
It prevents you from piling old baggage onto your current
relationship, which is so damaging.
And for healing these repressed feelings and, crucially,
improving communication around them, Gray introduces a really
practical tool called the Love Letter Technique.
The love letter. I've heard about this, how does
it work? It's a structured 5 part way to
process and express your emotions.

(39:11):
It guides you through a full spectrum of feelings to reach a
place of understanding and love.Five parts.
What are they and why the structure?
Yes, 5 distinct parts that must be expressed in a specific
order. You write down feelings of
anger, then sadness, then fear, then regret, and only then do
you move to love. Anger first.

(39:32):
Why start with a negative? The genius of this process, Gray
argues, is that you have to acknowledge and clear out the
negative, sometimes uncomfortable, emotions first,
like cleaning out a pipe. You have to get the gunk out to
Createspace for the underlying positive feelings, the love and
understanding to emerge. OK, like taking out the trash
before you can enjoy a clean room.

(39:52):
Makes sense. Do you send this letter?
Not necessarily, especially at first.
You can write it down just for yourself, do it mentally, or
once you're comfortable and feelsafe, eventually share parts of
it with your partner in a calm, non accusatory way.
The primary goal is self processing.
Can we walk through an example, say Samantha, whose partner
forgot an appointment? OK, good. 1A seemingly small

(40:12):
slight that triggered a bigger emotional reaction for her.
She started with anger. I am angry that you forgot our
appointment. I feel unimportant when you do
that. OK, direct anger, then sadness.
Then sadness. I feel sad that I have to take
care of everything and sometimesI feel like you don't prioritize
our plans. Getting deeper?
What about fear? Fear.

(40:33):
I am afraid I have to do everything by myself, and I am
afraid to trust you to remember important things.
This taps into deeper insecurities.
And regret. That seems interesting.
Regret. I feel embarrassed when you miss
appointments and I have to explain it.
I'm sorry that I sometimes come across as demanding or critical.
This shows self-awareness and responsibility for hope Art.

(40:53):
And finally, after all that. Love, finally love.
I love you. I understand that you were tired
and busy. You worked so hard for us.
I know you were doing your best and I truly appreciate all you
do. I forgive you for forgetting
this time, and I believe we can find a way to remember together.
Wow, that's a journey. It allows her to get to the root
feelings, release them, and thenrecenter herself in love and

(41:16):
understanding rather than just letting the anger fester.
Exactly. It prevents the negative
feelings from blocking the positive ones.
Or Virginia, whose husband, Jim was reading a book and seemed
indifferent when she tried to create intimacy.
Oh, the Martian cave triggering the Venusian wave maybe.
Quite possibly her letter started with anger about feeling
ignored, then sadness about not feeling special or desired, then

(41:40):
fear that he didn't understand or would reject her, then regret
for feeling embarrassed and pulling away herself.
And the love part. Love, I do love you darling.
I still want to have a special evening with you later.
I forgive you for being so indifferent to me earlier, and I
know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings again.
Processing leads back to connection.

(42:00):
And it's not just for women, right?
Men can use this too. Absolutely, Michael.
A man wrote a letter about hurting his partner's feelings.
He expressed anger about not knowing how to agree without
losing himself. Sadness about causing pain.
Fear of making mistakes again. Regret for being cold.
And his love part? Love, I love you and I want to
work this out and find a better way forward.

(42:20):
I think I could really listen toyour feelings now with an open
heart. It helps articulate complex,
layered emotions for both sexes,preventing bottling up or
exploding. In Bill's letter about
forgetting the male, same pattern, anger, sadness, fear,
regret, then understanding and love for his wife's upset,

(42:41):
realizing it maybe triggered something deeper for her.
Exactly The beauty of the love letter process isn't about
blaming the other person. It's about processing your own
feelings related to the situation, allowing you to
respond from a place of clarity and love rather than just raw
reactivity. That's really useful.
These are more to it. Gray also suggests writing a

(43:01):
response letter where you write what you want to hear from your
partner. In an ideal world, this isn't
necessarily to give to them, butit helps you increase our
openness to receiving the support we deserve and clarifies
your needs for yourself. Interesting, like scripting the
ideal response to understand your own needs better.
Kind of, yeah. He also mentions mini love
letters for quick daily processing.

(43:23):
Just three to 5 minutes jotting down feelings and even monster
love letters. Monster love letters.
What are those? For really intense venting, you
write absolutely everything downuncensored, get it all out, and
then you physically burn the letter to symbolically release
those overwhelming feelings. Definitely not sent to your
partner. OK that sounds cathartic.

(43:45):
It's about self healing first and foremost so you can show up
differently in the relationship.Exactly.
All right, after all that emotional processing with love
letters, let's transition to another vital communication
skill. This one often challenges women
in particular. Assertive asking.
Oh yes, assertive asking. This is a big one because like
you said, it goes against some deeply ingrained Venusian

(44:06):
beliefs. What's the core belief that
challenges? John Gray points out the
prevalent Venusian motto love isnever having to ask.
The mind reading expectation. If you loved me, you'd know.
Precisely, women often grow up expecting that if a man truly
loves them, he will instinctively anticipate their
needs. They might think if you really

(44:27):
loved me, he'd just know I need help with XY or ZI shouldn't
have to tell him. But that doesn't work for
Martians. Generally, no.
This fundamental expectation directly clashes with how
Martians are wired, Ray states. Men are not instinctively
motivated to offer their support.
They need to be asked. Their motivation is often
triggered by a direct request, not by inference or hints.

(44:49):
OK, so asking is necessary, but there's a catch.
There is. Here's the kicker, the subtle
trap. If you ask a man for support in
the wrong way, he gets turned off and will resist.
Why? What's the wrong way?
Because when a man hears A demanding tone, a hint of
complaint, or feels blamed, no matter how nicely you phrase
your request, all he hears is that he's not giving enough or

(45:10):
that he's failing. So even a polite request if it
implies criticism. Backfires often, yes.
This ironically makes him give less until you appreciate what
he's already giving. It triggers his resistance
instead of his willingness. It's a lose lose dynamic.
OK, so how do you ask correctly in a way that motivates and
inspires A Martian rather than shutting him down?

(45:31):
Gray breaks down 3 crucial rulesfor asking for support
assertively. Rule #1.
Be direct. Avoid indirect requests.
Don't just state a problem and expect him to infer the task or
solution. For example, instead of saying
the kids need to be picked up from soccer practice.
Which is just a statement of fact.
Right. Instead, directly ask for what

(45:52):
you need. Would you pick up the kids from
soccer practice today? Clear specific action requested.
OK, direct rule #2. Be brief.
Don't give long, elaborate explanations, justifications, or
subtle hints that make him feel manipulated or like you're
trying too hard to convince him.Why brief?
He doesn't need to be convinced of the why.
He needs a clear, concise request.

(46:14):
The longer you explain, the morehe might feel you don't trust
him to support you simply because you asked or that you're
trying to manage his response. Keep it simple.
Direct and brief What's rule #3?Use would you or will you?
This is Hugh GE and often misunderstood.
Avoid. Could you or can you?
Why avoid? Could you?

(46:35):
It sounds polite. It sounds polite, but could you
or can you are merely questions about capability.
Men hear this as I could do it. Sure, it's possible I'm capable,
but it doesn't imply willingnessor a direct request for action.
So it's like questioning if he'sable, not asking if he's
willing. Exactly As one man in the book

(46:56):
states, I resent being asked. Could you?
I feel like I have no choice butto say yes, and it feels like an
obligation, not an invitation. It feels like he's being
assessed or controlled. Hitting that competence nerve
again. Right, but would you or will you
are direct requests for willingness and action?
Men hear this as it gives me an opportunity to help and I am

(47:17):
more than willing to support herbecause she asked directly and
trusts me. It taps into their desire to be
the hero, the provider, the one who helps.
Exactly. It invites contribution rather
than demanding compliance. OK, so ask directly, briefly
using, would you or will you? What happens next?
What if he hesitates or seems resistant?
Good question. Gray introduces 2 key Martian

(47:38):
behaviors to understand when youask the grumbles and the
pregnant Ause. Grumbles.
Like actual groaning. Sometimes, yeah, when you make a
direct request, especially if itinterrupts his current focus
ulls him from his cave, maybe a man might moan, groan, scowl, or
mumble. These are the grumbles.
And what do the grumbles mean? Is he mad?

(47:59):
Crucially, Grace says they have nothing to do with his actual
willingness to support you. They're just a symptom of how
focused he was on something elseand the mental stretch required
to shift his attention. Don't take them personally.
OK, ignore the grumbles. What's the pregnant pause?
This is crucial for the woman. After you've made your direct
brief request using would you you remain silent?

(48:19):
You allow him to process and sayyes.
Don't fill the silence. Why is the silence so important?
By not resisting his grumbles, by not taking them personally,
by not filling the silence with more demands or explanations or
justifications, he's much more likely to comply willingly and
transition smoothly into doing what you asked.
Give him space to say yes. There's that story about Bonnie

(48:39):
asking John for milk late at night, right?
That illustrates this. Perfectly.
He was just heading to bed, totally focused on sleep.
She asked. Would you get me some milk?
He grumbled. He made banging noises with pots
and pans in the kitchen. Classic grumbles.
And what did Bonnie do? Did she get upset?
No, she just listened calmly from the bedroom, accepting his

(48:59):
grumbles as part of his process.She didn't argue, didn't
complain, didn't demand he do itnicely.
And what happened? Did he bring the milk?
He did, and Gray noticed that ashe got closer to his new goal of
getting the milk, his grumbles literally went away.
He started feeling his love for his wife wife and his
willingness to support her. Realizing he was doing something

(49:20):
good for her. He started to feel like the good
guy. So fulfilling the request
shifted his internal state. Exactly.
He felt that deep Martian satisfaction of achievement and
contribution. When he returned, Bonnie was
genuinely happy and appreciative, thanking him
warmly. So she appreciated the ACT
despite the grumbles. Yes, and then he realized what a

(49:42):
wonderful wife I have. Even after I was so resistant
and grumbly, she's still appreciating me.
The result? The next time she asked for
milk, he grumbled less. The time after that he
automatically said sure with hardly a sound, and eventually
he even started offering to get milk when he noticed they were
low without being asked. Her acceptance of his initial

(50:04):
resistance, her patience, and her genuine appreciation
essentially programmed a man to say yes and to want to give
more. That's incredible.
So accepting his process, even the grumbles and appreciating
the outcome makes it more willing.
Next. Time.
It demonstrates A fundamental point accepting no graciously.
Like if he genuinely couldn't doit, just saying OK I understand.

(50:26):
Also helps them feel safe to sayyes next time.
Men are much more willing to sayyes if they have the freedom to
say no. Freedom and appreciation.
Key motivators. That's a truly transformative
insight that can empower both partners to get their needs met
without resentment building up. So once you've started to decode
these languages, manage the caves and waves, and maybe
master the art of assertive asking how you keep the love

(50:49):
flowing consistently day in and day out.
It's not just about avoiding problems, it's about actively
nurturing the relationship in a way that truly resonates with
your partner. Right, the maintenance phase,
which is crucial. John Gray introduces the idea
that men and women need different kinds of love, almost
like different love currencies or distinct love languages if

(51:11):
you've heard that term. Yeah, like Gary Chapman's work.
Similar idea. Similar concept, yeah.
Gray emphasizes that we intuitively give what we want to
receive, but that's not always what our partner actually needs
to feel loved. So we're depositing the wrong
currency into their love bank. That's a great way to put it.
He identifies 12 kinds of love split between the primary needs
of men and women and emphasizes A crucial point.

(51:34):
Love often fails because people instinctively give what they
want or what they think is important, not what the partner
actually needs. We project our own needs onto
them. OK, let's break down these
twelve kinds. What are the primary needs for
men, according to Gray? How do they feel loved?
OK for men, their primary needs,the ways they feel most loved
and supported are predominantly one trust.

(51:59):
Really feeling that she genuinely believes in his
competence and his good intentions even when he messes
up. Trusting him.
Two, acceptance. Feeling that she's not trying to
change him, that he is fundamentally enough, just as he
is. Not being a project.
Exactly 3. Appreciation, feeling valued and
recognized for what he does and contributes, no matter how small

(52:20):
it seems. His efforts being seen.
Appreciation. Got it. 4 Admiration, feeling
seen as capable, strong, and admirable like her hero in some
way. The knight in shining armor
thing again. Five approval, feeling like he's
the good guy in her eyes, that she generally agrees with his
choices and intentions, or at least sees the good behind them.
Approval makes sense. And six encouragement, feeling

(52:41):
her confidence in his abilities,especially when he's facing
challenges or feeling down her belief in him.
OK, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration,
approval, encouragement. Those are the Martian primary
needs. What about Venusians?
What do women primarily need? For women, their primary needs,
the ways they feel most loved and supported tend to be 1.
Caring, feeling her needs and feelings are genuinely important

(53:05):
to him that he prioritizes her well-being.
Feeling cared about. Two, understanding, feeling
truly heard and validated, especially her emotional
experience without him judging or trying to fix it.
Empathy and validation. Yes, three, respect, feeling her
rights, wishes and needs are acknowledged and prioritized.
That he treats her with high regard and considers her

(53:26):
perspective. Respect.
Crucial. 4 Devotion, feeling that she is his number one
priority, that he makes special time and space for her,
cherishes her above other thingsor people feeling.
Special Prioritized. 5 validation similar to
understanding but specifically feeling her feelings are
legitimate and she's not being told she's too sensitive or
overreacting. Her reality being accepted.

(53:49):
Validation of feelings and six, reassurance.
Feeling consistently loved and supported, especially when she's
feeling down, insecure, or goingthrough a wave knowing he's
there for her. OK, Caring, understanding,
respect, devotion, validation, reassurance.
Those are the Venusian primary needs.
And this is exactly where the mismatch often happens, creating

(54:10):
that cycle of frustration. We talked.
About how so? Give an example of giving the
wrong currency. OK, a woman instinctively gives
caring and understanding. Maybe she fusses over him, asks
lots of questions about his feelings when he's stressed
because that's what she needs and cherishes.
Right, she's giving what she'd want to receive.
But a man might perceive this asher not trusting him to handle

(54:31):
things on his own, or implying he's incompetent or weak, which
hits his primary needs negatively.
He doesn't necessarily want her to care for him in that specific
way, He wants her to trust him. So her attempt at carrying
backfires because it undermines his need for trust and
acceptance. Exactly.
Conversely, a man might minimizeproblems.

(54:52):
Oh, it's nothing, don't worry. As his way of supporting another
man, showing confidence, not worrying.
Giving encouragement or trust inhis view.
Right, but a woman often perceives this minimizing as her
being invalidated and unsupported.
He doesn't care about my feelings, he's dismissing me.
It directly undermines her need for understanding and
validation. So his attempt to reassure

(55:14):
actually makes her feel unheard.Precisely.
It's like trying to fill a car'sgas tank with water.
Like you said, your intention isgood.
You're pouring liquid in, but the fuel isn't what's needed for
that particular engine to run. Both tanks can stay empty
despite good intentions. This leads us nicely to the
concept of scoring points right?How men and women measure these
love contributions differently. Yes, scoring points.

(55:37):
It's not a literal scorecard, obviously, but a metaphor for
how we instinctively perceive and weigh our partners efforts.
OK, let's start with women. What's the key to scoring points
with a Venusian? For women, the mantra is crystal
clear. Little things are big things.
This is absolutely fundamental. Little things are big things.
Meaning. Meaning for a woman, a grand,

(55:59):
expensive gesture and a small, thoughtful gesture can often
score one point each in her emotional tally.
Consistency in little expressions of love, small acts
of care and attention is absolutely crucial.
So lots of small deposits mattermore than one huge one.
Generally, yes. She needs an abundance of these
consistent daily acts, not just big rare ones.

(56:22):
A single massive effort, while appreciated, doesn't erase weeks
of small neglects or lack of attention.
It doesn't carry over in the same way.
OK, so consistency is key. What are some examples of these
one point little things? The book provides A practical
list of 101 ways to score pointswith a woman, which includes
things that might seem minor to a man but accumulate

(56:42):
significantly for her. Things like give her four hugs a
day, tell her I love you at least a couple of times every
day. Offer to make dinner when she's
tired, listen actively. Invalidate her feelings when she
talks. Offer to make her some tea.
Open the car door for her, Call her from work just to say you're
thinking of her. OK, these are small, consistent
acts of attention and care. Exactly.
These are all one point items, but an accumulation of them

(57:04):
consistently fills her love tank, making her feel cherished,
seen and connected. It's the consistent drip of
water that fills the bucket, notjust one large downpour once in
a while. That Chuck and Pam story
illustrates this well, doesn't it?
The one about finances. Perfectly, They were facing
financial woes and Chuck, being a good Martian provider, thought

(57:25):
his big paycheck, especially when he doubled his income by
opening a new clinic, would score him like 60 points.
With Pam, he was providing, working harder, being
responsible. He thought the big gesture
counted big. Right.
But for Pam, that big paycheck, while necessary and appreciated
on one level, was only one pointin her emotional scoring system.

(57:46):
Why? Because what she truly needed,
and what was depleting as he worked more hours, was his
personal energy, effort, and attention.
So the effort to get the big point actually cost points
elsewhere. Kind of.
As he worked more to make money,he had less personal present
energy for her, making her feel like she was getting less
connection, not more, from the relationship.

(58:06):
She wanted her, his presence, his time, his focused attention,
not just the results of his work.
Chuck learned that doing little personal things for his wife,
showing up for her, made a much bigger difference to her
happiness than just focusing on grand financial gestures alone.
OK, so for women, little things consistently add up.

(58:26):
What about scoring points with men?
How does that work? Is it the same?
Generally, no. For men, Gray says, appreciation
is key. A man's love tank is not
necessarily filled primarily by what she does for him in terms
of chores or physical acts of service.
So doing his laundry doesn't score big points.
Not necessarily in the same way it might for her.
Instead, his tank is mainly filled by how she reacts to him

(58:48):
or how she feels about him and how she expresses that.
It's about her response to him. Yes, he needs to feel
appreciated, needed, trusted andcompetent.
The core insight is when a womanappreciates what a man does for
her, he gets much of the love heneeds.
This appreciation fuels him, motivates him to do more.
And the flip side, if he doesn'tfeel appreciated.

(59:08):
Conversely, if he is not appreciated, then her
contribution is nearly meaningless and completely
unimportant to him. He can do all the chores, make
all the money, be physically present, but if he doesn't feel
her approval, her admiration, and her genuine appreciation for
his efforts and intentions, it doesn't fill his love tank.
It can leave him feeling empty, resentful and unmotivated to
give more. OK.

(59:29):
So appreciation is the fuel. How can women score big with men
then, if it's not just about doing things?
Where are the big points for him?
The big points for men often come not when things are going
well, but in how she reacts whenhe's vulnerable or makes a
mistake. Interesting.
Like when? For instance, if he makes a
mistake, say he forgets something important and she

(59:50):
doesn't say I told you so, or offer unsolicited advice or
criticize him harshly, Gray suggests.
That scores 1020 points right there.
That's huge. Wow, just not criticizing scores
big. Yes, because it signals
acceptance and trust if he gets lost while driving.
Back to that classic and she doesn't make a big deal out of
it, doesn't imply incompetence, maybe stays calm or even finds

(01:00:13):
humor. That's another 1020 points.
OK. And even bigger points.
If she can even find the good inthe situation.
Like saying well we would never have seen this beautiful sunset
if we had taken the most direct route when they're lost.
That's a massive 2030 point. Because it completely reframes
it and shows total acceptance. Exactly.
It tells him I trust you, I accept you even with mistakes, I

(01:00:35):
admire your effort anyway and I'm happily with you on this
journey, bumps and all. It kicks back to that knight in
shining armor metaphor again, doesn't it?
Perfectly A knight inherently wants to succeed in serving and
protecting the woman he loves. He feels vital, capable and
worthy when he's trusted and admired for his efforts.
But if she criticizes his methods.
Right. If the Princess, when he arrives

(01:00:57):
to slay the dragon, instead of trusting his sword, throws him a
noose and tells him how to fight, criticizing his methods
or his strength, he feels unworthy, emasculated, maybe
even foolish. He might stop caring, stop
trying to be her hero, Gray writes powerfully.
Not to be needed is a slow deathfor a man.

(01:01:17):
Wow, so criticism isn't just feedback, It can feel like a
fundamental rejection of his role and worth.
It can land that way, yes, and this leads to the idea of
penalty points. When a woman criticizes or
disapproves, especially of his intentions or competence, men
can receive penalty points. This actively dissuades him from
giving more because he feels unloved, unappreciated, and

(01:01:38):
ultimately like he just can't succeed in her eyes, so why
bother trying? That's a dangerous cycle.
So what's the antidote to givingpenalty points?
Approval. Not necessarily agreeing with
everything. But to approve of a man is to
see the good reasons behind whathe does, even if his behavior is
frustrating or seems misguided. From her perspective.

(01:01:58):
To approve is to find the lovingintention or the goodness behind
the outside behavior. Seeing the good intention even
if the execution wasn't perfect.Exactly, It's a huge shift in
perspective from judging resultsto appreciating effort and
underlying intention, which is incredibly powerful and
motivating for a man. It keeps his tank full and
encourages him to keep trying. OK, so we've covered a lot.

(01:02:20):
The fundamental Martian Venusiandifferences, how good intentions
can backfire, the caves and waves, coping styles decoding,
the different languages, healingpast wounds, assertive asking,
and even the different ways men and women need love and score
points. But how do you sustain all this
understanding and effort over the long haul?
Because relationships aren't always easy, are they?
They change. They absolutely change, and they

(01:02:42):
aren't always easy. That's a crucial piece of
realism. To address this, John Gray uses
a beautiful and incredibly practical metaphor, the Seasons
of love. Seasons of love like spring,
summer, autumn, winter. Exactly.
Relationships, like gardens, have natural, predictable cycles
of growth, challenge, harvest and rest.

(01:03:02):
Understanding these seasons helps build realistic
expectations. Okay, let's walk through them.
What's Spring like in a relationship?
Spring is when love feels effortless.
It's that initial falling in love phase.
Your partner seems perfect, completely aligned with your
dreams, and you effortlessly dance together, caught in that
magical honeymoon bubble. Everything feels easy, natural,

(01:03:25):
meant to be. Most relationships start here.
Right. But then comes summer.
The heat turns up you. Could say that summer is where
the real work begins. The relationship equivalent of
tending a garden under the hot sun, dealing with pests and
weeds. You begin to realize your
partner isn't as perfect as you thought in Spring.
They're human with flaws, quirks, annoying habits, and

(01:03:46):
different needs that clash with yours.
Reality sets in, yes. Frustration and disappointment
arise. Weeds need to be uprooted.
This is the season where many couples become disillusioned and
give up because they unrealistically accept it to be
spring all the time. They think the struggle means
it's wrong. Exactly.
They blame their partners for the loss of ease and don't

(01:04:07):
realize that lasting love is notalways easy.
Sometimes it requires hard work under a hot sun, actively
nurturing, wedding, watering andtending to the relationship.
So summer is the working season.If you put in the work, what
comes next? If you successfully navigate
summer tending to those weeds and challenges, you reach
autumn. The harvest time.
Precisely. Autumn is the harvest of your

(01:04:29):
hard work, the season of mature love.
It's a mature love that accepts and understands imperfections,
that has learned to navigate differences effectively, not
erase them. You've done the work.
So it's fulfilling, but maybe not effortless like spring.
Right. It's a time of Thanksgiving and
sharing, a rich and fulfilling period where you can truly enjoy
the abundant love, trust, and deep connection you've

(01:04:50):
intentionally cultivated together.
It's deeply rewarding because Hebuilt it.
Spring, summer, autumn. What about winter?
And then, inevitably, comes winter.
These are the cold, barren months, a time that can feel
bleak but Gray argues is essential for rest, reflection
and renewal. Rest and reflection.
What happens in winter? This is often when unresolved

(01:05:11):
pain surfaces, often from your deeper past that 90% stuff, not
just the present relationship issues.
It's often a time of solitary growth.
Solitary even within the relationship.
Yes. It's when men tend to hibernate
in their caves to process and recenter, and women may sink to
the bottom of their wells to emotionally cleanse and
rejuvenate. It can feel hopeless, lonely and

(01:05:32):
isolating. Communication might decrease.
It sounds difficult, maybe like the relationship is dying.
It can feel that way, but Gray emphasizes it's always darkest
before the dawn. This season, while challenging,
is a necessary part of the relationship cycle.
It offers an opportunity for deeper individual healing and
profound growth. If navigated with understanding

(01:05:53):
and patience, It allows each partner to address their own
internal landscape, which ultimately benefits the
relationship when Spring returns.
So winter isn't the end, it's a necessary dormant phase before
new growth. That's the idea.
It prepares the ground for the next spring.
This whole cyclical understanding, the importance of
realistic expectations, it seemscrucial.

(01:06:14):
Loves is not always easy. Sometimes it requires hard work.
Just like that, Garden needs consistent care through all its
seasons. Absolutely, and Grace stresses
that learning and integrating these insights takes time.
He says To learn something new, we need to hear it 200 times.
200 times. Wow.
Yeah, it's not about reading thebook once and suddenly being an
expert. It's about continually applying

(01:06:36):
these insights, practicing thesenew communication skills,
because, as he says, we have been programmed by our parents,
by the culture we have grown up in, and by our own painful past
experiences. We have deeply ingrained habits
and automatic reactions to unlearn.
So there's a lot of unlearning and relearning involved.
It's not just about knowing, it's about doing and probably

(01:06:58):
messing up along the way. Exactly.
We might forget these insights in the heat of the moment, react
in the old way and then rememberagain later, maybe apologize and
try differently next time. And that's perfectly OK.
It's part of the process of integrating truly new behaviors.
Give yourself permission to keepmaking mistakes, Gray advises.
Be kind to yourself and your partner during the learning

(01:07:19):
process. Yes, John Gray calls us
pioneers. He says you are traveling in new
territory. Expect to be lost sometimes.
Expect your partner to be lost. Use this guide as a map to lead
you through uncharted lands again and again.
Like having a map for relationship territory, that's
helpful. It's about patience, self
compassion, consistent practice and persistent understanding.

(01:07:42):
The journey of love isn't a straight line, it's a cyclical
path, with seasons of ease and sitas of intense challenge all
contributing to deeper, more resilient growth.
And through this understanding, even when you're in the depths
of winter, you know it's likely a temporary season, a phase for
healing and preparing for the next spring, not necessarily the

(01:08:02):
end of the relationship itself. That perspective offers a lot of
hope, actually. Have tag, tag, tag, tag outro.
So what does all of this mean for you, the listener, as you
navigate your own relationships?This deep dive into John Gray's
Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus has really taken us
on a journey, hasn't it? It really has.
From those initial moments of bewildering misunderstanding,

(01:08:23):
the why do they do that moments to really practical road map for
navigating the profound complexities of human
relationships, we've explored the fundamental power of
understanding inherent differences, the subtle art of
communicating effectively acrossthose Martian illusion divides,
and the practical wisdom of recognizing and fulfilling
distinct emotional needs. Those 12 kinds of love.

(01:08:45):
And crucially, like we said earlier, it's not about changing
who you are fundamentally or changing your partner, but
changing how you connect and understand each other.
Right shifting your approach. Exactly.
And I think a key take away is that true intimacy isn't forged
by the complete absence of problems or disagreements.
That's unrealistic. That's spring forever, which

(01:09:05):
doesn't happen. Right.
True intimacy is forged by the courage and the wisdom to
navigate the inevitable problems, the summers and
winters, with compassion and informed understanding.
It's about the repair, the understanding through the hard
time. Precisely.
Relationships aren't about finding that mythical perfect
partner who completes you without effort.
They're about consistently nurturing the relationship you

(01:09:27):
have through all its seasons, accepting the ups and downs, the
caves and the waves, the literalwords and the implied needs.
So we deeply encourage you, the listeners, to apply these
insights in your own life. Even small, consistent changes
in approach can create what Graycalls simple miracles in your
closest connections. They really can.

(01:09:48):
Small shifts make big differences over time.
And as you reflect on all of this, consider this final
provocative thought from the book.
It's one that goes beyond your relationship with others,
actually to your relationship with yourself.
Oh, what's that? Gray writes.
When you take the time to listento your feelings, you are in
effect saying to the little feeling person inside you

(01:10:09):
matter. You deserve to be heard, and I
care enough to listen. Applying the listening principle
inward. Exactly.
So the question for you them allover is how can this powerful
act of self love, of truly listening to your own emotional
landscape, your own inner Martian or Venusian needs, with
compassion and patience, not only heal your deeper wounds
that 90%, but also profoundly transform how you show up for

(01:10:33):
and understand the closest relationships in your life?
That's a deep one to ponder. It all starts within, doesn't
it? Thank you for joining us on this
deep dive here on the Summary State Podcast.
Yes, thank you. We invite you to continue
exploring this fascinating terrain of human connection, one
insight at a time.