Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child – Gottman’s Guide for Parents

In this episode, we break down John Gottman’s five-step method for “emotion coaching”, a research-backed approach that helps kids build emotional resilience, self-awareness, and stronger relationships.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
OK, let's dive in. Have you ever just, you know,
looked at kids today and felt like something's a bit
different? Maybe they seem a little more, I
don't know, on edge. Yeah, like maybe more nervous or
irritable Moody sometime. Exactly.
Or even more prone to feeling down, depressed or acting
impulsively. It turns out you're not just

(00:21):
imagining it. There was actually research back
in the late 20th century, we're talking mid 70s to late 80s, a
big nationwide study, right? And it found this pretty
significant decline across like 40 different indicators in basic
emotional and social skills in children. 40 indicators.
That's that's a lot. It's quite striking, isn't it?
It really is. It's like despite all the

(00:43):
progress we've made, all the technology, kids were somehow
feeling less equipped, less ableto handle their own feelings,
their inner world. And the world around them too,
really. It's like they were losing this
fundamental maybe an IQ about people.
Not just smarts in the traditional sense, but
understanding feelings, connecting with others.
Exactly the people IQ. So in this deep dive, we're

(01:04):
going to try and unpack exactly why that decline might have
happened. And crucially, look at a really
powerful, scientifically backed solution.
We're digging into the insights from Doctor John Gottman and
Joan Declare's fantastic book Raising and an emotionally
Intelligent child, The heart of parenting.
Right. So our mission today is pretty
clear. Understand the why behind this

(01:26):
potential gap in emotional intelligence and then get our
hands on the practical tools theauthors layout.
Tools to help us raise kids who are, you know, resilient, happy,
and actually good at navigating their feelings in the world.
It's about finding that missing piece, equipping them with that,
people like you that can genuinely make such a difference

(01:47):
in their lives. Couldn't agree more.
And the book really points to some larger societal forces that
kind of set the stage for this, why emotions might have started
running well, hotter and maybe abit Wilder for kids.
Yeah, that's a powerful point. It's not just about what happens
inside the four walls of a home,is it?
Not entirely, no. These are big shifts in how we
live. The authors talk about these

(02:08):
massive, almost invisible changes to modern childhood, and
the first one they mentioned economic realities, which I
mean, that hits close to home for a lot of people.
It really does. It sounds broad, but it boils
down to something pretty concrete.
Parents are often working much harder, longer hours than
previous generations just to make ends meet or get ahead.

(02:30):
The book actually points out that between 1960 and 1986,
which is a pretty specific time frame but illustrative, the
amount of free time parents had to spend with their kids dropped
by over 10 hours a week. Wow.
Over 10 hours, that's that's like a whole extra work day of
potential connection time just gone.
Exactly. It paints this picture of

(02:51):
parents on this relentless hamster wheel, right?
Trying to provide, working so hard and that precious family
time often becomes the thing that gets squeezed.
It's not blaming parents, it's acknowledging a huge societal
pressure. And it links into the next big
shift. The book identifies this
decrease in community support. Right.
Think about it. How many families now live far
away from grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins?

(03:13):
Yeah, that built in support system, that village, yeah, it's
often geographically scattered now.
Totally. And it's not just extended
family. The authors talk about weaker
ties in neighborhoods, too, lessparticipation in community
groups, maybe religious organizations that used to
provide that social fabric. And even just letting kids play
outside seems riskier or perceived as riskier in many

(03:35):
places now. Precisely so you have less of
that spontaneous, unstructured social interaction happening
organically. Kids aren't just running over to
the neighbor's house as freely. Perhaps all that informal
learning about getting along, resolving squabbles, it's
reduced. Which brings us to the elephant
in the room. Maybe screen time?
Yes, the digital age. The book talks about kids

(03:56):
spending more and more hours staring at a video screen.
TV, computers, now tablets, phones.
It's not just passive, is it? It's actively replacing
something else. It absolutely is replacing
something vital, that crucial face to face interaction.
That's where so much emotional learning happens so well.
Think about reading subtle cues.A tiny shift in someone's

(04:17):
expression, the tone of their voice, their body language.
These are the nuances of human connections.
Stuff you just don't get or get much less of from a screen.
Exactly. So you combine parents having
less time, communities being less interconnected in those old
ways, and kids spending more time interacting digitally
instead of directly. It creates this kind of perfect

(04:38):
storm. A storm where emotional skills
might not develop as strongly. Potentially, yeah.
It makes a landscape more challenging.
So what are the real stakes here?
If kids don't develop these emotional regulation skills,
what happens? The book doesn't mince words,
does it? It paints a pretty alarming
picture. No, it really lays out the long
term risk and it goes beyond just, you know, having more
tantrums. We're talking about an increased

(04:59):
likelihood of mental health issues later on, things like
depression, anxiety disorders. It's serious.
Very. And they even link impulsivity
in childhood to specific later risks.
For girls, a higher chance of teen pregnancy.
For boys, sadly, A heightened risk of delinquency or even
violence. Wow, it's like this this domino

(05:20):
effect, isn't it? One struggle can cascade into
others. It really can.
And it's not just those major crisis points for all kids.
Difficulty handling anxiety or sadness when they're younger
makes them more vulnerable to substance abuse later.
Drugs or alcohol? And it shows up in everyday life
too, right? School performance.
Friendships. Absolutely poor academic

(05:40):
performance, trouble concentrating, more fights with
friends. It all connects back, and here's
a fascinating 1. The book even links it to
physical health. Physical health.
How? Emotion coached kids, the ones
whose parents use the techniqueswe'll get into, actually had
fewer infectious illnesses. Get out.
Really. Yeah, the thinking is there.
Better ability to self calm reduces physiological stress

(06:02):
which boosts their immune system.
That's incredible. So not having these skills, it's
like trying to build a house on shaky ground.
That's a perfect analogy. The book basically argues that
emotional intelligence is the foundation.
Without it, the whole structure,their well-being, their success,
is just much more vulnerable when life throws stressors at
them, which it inevitably does. You need that inner resilience

(06:23):
to cope. That's the core of it.
OK, so this is where it gets really interesting, because the
book isn't just diagnosing a problem, it's built on this,
this profound revelation from Doctor Gottman himself, a
personal journey that kind of sparked his biggest professional
discoveries. Yeah, it's fascinating how
personal experience can drive science, isn't it?

(06:43):
He talks about becoming a fatherhimself when his daughter Mariah
was born in 1990, Right. And he already, this renowned
researcher on families, openly admits he just wasn't prepared
for the intensity of parental feeling.
The overwhelming joy, yes, but also the profound frustration,
the fear, the vulnerability. You felt it all raw.

(07:04):
Exactly. And experiencing and that first
hand led him to question the existing theories.
Traditional approaches, even themore democratic ones, often sort
of sidelined emotion. They focused on rules or reason
or discipline. But his research started showing
something different. Something huge that the
emotional interactions between parent and child.
How parents responded in those moments of high feeling could

(07:26):
actually have a greater impact on a child's long term
well-being than just love alone.Wow.
OK, hold on. Love isn't enough.
Yeah, that feels counterintuitive.
It does, doesn't it? But that was the core finding
love by itself wasn't enough. You could have incredibly warm,
involved, loving parents, but iftheir own attitudes towards

(07:47):
emotions or their reactions whentheir kids got upset, sad,
angry, scared, if those reactions were off, it got in
the way. So it wasn't about the amount of
love, but the how how they showed up when feelings ran
high. Precisely that was the secret
sauce, the key differentiator and understanding that LED
directly to identifying this specific approach.
Emotion Coaching. OK, so emotion coaching, it's

(08:08):
not just feeling love, it's acting on it in a specific
emotionally tuned in way during those tough moments, turning
them into teaching moments. You got it.
And the promise of emotion coaching, the benefits they
observed in kids whose parents practiced it, they're really
quite remarkable. Let's hear them.
What did they find? Well, we already mentioned the
physical health link. Fewer infectious illnesses

(08:30):
likely due to better self calming.
Which is still amazing to me. Right.
But also these kids were better at focusing their attention.
Big implications for school there.
They related better to other kids.
They could handle tough social stuff like getting teased
without completely melting down,because being overly emotional
in those moments can actually backfire socially.

(08:52):
OK, that makes sense. Social savvy.
Yeah, they developed a better understanding of people, of
friendships. Academically, they performed
better consistently. So it's like, yeah, it really
does build that IQ about people.That's exactly the phrase the
book uses. It's like giving kids this the
superpower maybe, or a really well equipped toolkit for

(09:12):
navigating life's emotional landscape.
A superhero Cape for emotional battles.
I like that. Yeah, it helps them not just
feel their feelings, but understand them, manage them,
and bounce back. Resilience.
And this isn't just, you know, some nice idea someone had.
You mentioned the science is rigorous.
Oh, absolutely. This is an armchair psychology.
Gottman's work is rooted in detailed lab studies.

(09:35):
They used psychophysiology labs measuring heart rate, stress
hormones in urine. Urine samples.
Wow. Yep.
They even had kids in mock spacecapsules hooked up to sensors,
watching emotionally charged movie clips like the Scary
Monkeys and The Wizard of Oz to see their physiological
responses. OK, that's serious research.
It is. They look deep into the
autonomic nervous system. Things like vagal tone, which is

(09:58):
basically a measure of how quickly and effectively your
body can calm itself down after stress.
This is backed by hard data. Got it.
So the problem is clear. The solution?
Emotion coaching has incredible benefits backed by science.
Now let's unpack the how. How do we actually do this?
The book starts by looking at different parenting styles based

(10:18):
on how parents react when emotions run high, right?
It's like different ways to navigate that emotional storm
with your child. Some approaches work much better
than others. The first one they describe is
the dismissing parent. I immediately pictured an
ostrich burying its head. The emotional ostrich.
Huh. That's a perfect visual.
Yeah, The dismissing parent basically treats the child's

(10:40):
feelings as unimportant, trivial, maybe inconvenient.
So they just. Ignore it, try to make it go
away. Pretty much disengage, ignore.
Want the negative feeling to disappear quickly?
They might use distraction. Hey, look over there or even
make light of it. Ridicule it gently.
Like telling a kid who's scared of daycare.
Oh, that's silly. Exactly.

(11:01):
Or bribing them with a treat to stop crying.
The book gives an example of a dad, Robert, who tried to pamper
his sad daughter, asking if she wanted TV or to play outside.
Anything but actually talking about or validating the sadness
itself. So the intention might even be
good. Like they think negative
feelings are toxic and they're protecting the kid.
Often, yes. That's a common underlying

(11:22):
belief that dwelling on negativity is bad, so they try
to shield the child by pushing the feeling away.
It's like trying to protect themfrom a puddle by building a dam
around it. Instead of teaching them how to
navigate the puddle or even splashing it.
You got it. But the impact on the child is
significant. They learn their feelings aren't
valid, maybe even that they're wrong for feeling that way.
Which must make it incredibly hard to learn how to manage

(11:44):
those feelings themselves later on.
Definitely they don't get practice recognizing or
regulating their emotions. OK, next style the disapproving
parent. This sounds harsher, like an
emotional judge. It is harsher.
It shares some traits with dismissing, not valuing the
emotion, but adds a layer of negativity, criticism and

(12:05):
judgement. There's often less empathy.
So they don't just ignore it, they actively criticize or
punish the emotion. Yes, they might be overly
focused on setting limits, but they connect the emotion itself
to bad behavior. They reprimand or punish the
child for expressing the feeling.
The book gives an example of Diane scolding her son Joshua
for not wanting to go to daycare, calling him bratty and

(12:28):
threatening punishment because his sadness was seen as
defiance. Wow so the feeling itself is the
crime instead of a damn it's a courtroom and the kids always
guilty for feeling sad or angry.A very apartment metaphor and
the impact kids learn that getting close emotionally,
showing vulnerability is really high risk.
It could lead to humiliation, punishment, feeling abandoned.

(12:49):
They tend to score low on emotional intelligence measures.
That's heartbreaking, especiallybecause you said the parents
might think they're doing the right thing.
Often, yeah, the book mentions they might be driven by a desire
to raise tough men or kind hearted women, believing that
suppressing certain emotions achieves that.
But it backfires, causing real harm to the child's emotional
development. OK, third style, the last affair

(13:12):
parent. This sounds maybe not like the
well meaning but unprepared guide.
Exactly. This parent is often very
accepting of the child's feelings.
They empathize, they validate. I understand you're feeling sad,
but then what? They don't know what to do next.
Right. They fail to offer guidance or
set necessary limits on behavior, the book says.

(13:33):
They get at a loss for what to do next.
Using that Diane and Joshua example again, the laissez faire
Diane might hug him, say she understands he's sad about
daycare, but then be totally unable to actually get him to
daycare because she doesn't knowhow to guide him through the
feeling and a hold the necessarylimit.
So they give the kid the ticket for the emotional journey,

(13:54):
saying it's OK to feel this way,but provide no map or compass
for how to handle it or where togo.
Perfect analogy. All heart, no direction.
And the result is that these kids also tend to lack emotional
intelligence. They know it's OK to have
feelings, but they haven't learned how to manage them
effectively. No coping strategies, no problem
solving skills for distress. Which can lead to problems down

(14:15):
the road too, like impulsivity or difficulty focusing.
They haven't learned that self regulation piece.
OK, so that brings us to the 4thstyle, the one rhyming for the
emotion coach, the compassionatenavigator.
Yes, the gold standard. According to the book, the
emotion coach also accepts the child's feelings
unconditionally. Like the laissez faire parent.

(14:36):
They see the emotion, they validate it, but the crucial
difference is they use these emotional moments, even the
tough ones, as opportunities. Opportunities for what?
For connecting and for teaching.They empathize, they listen
deeply, they help the child label the emotion.
OK, they do set clear limits, but on the behavior, not the
feeling itself. That's a key distinction.

(14:58):
Huge. And then they guide the child
through problem solving. So a motion coach, Diane with
Joshua. She empathizes with his sadness
about daycare. I know you feel sad when mommy
leaves. She lets him cry.
She helps him label it. You feel disappointed we can't
stay home. Then she sets the limit.
But it's time for daycare now and guides him toward a solution

(15:18):
or future positive. After daycare we can have
pancakes. So it's a complete process.
Validate the feeling, allow expression, label it, set
behavioral limits, and then problem solve or redirect.
Exactly. It's supportive and active.
The book gives other great examples, like Dan, who sees his
daughter's sad moments as chances to get closer and help

(15:38):
her understand her feelings, or Margaret, who helps her son Ben
channel his anger into running or drumming rather than just
telling him to stop being angry or letting him hit things.
Right, finding appropriate outlets for the feeling.
And the impact is profound. These kids get better at
soothing themselves. They're calmer under pressure.
They have fewer conflicts because issues get addressed

(15:59):
early. Stronger bonds with parents too,
I bet. Definitely more responsive to
requests, better grades, better health, better friendships.
They build that resilience, thatability to bounce back.
It really is the foundation for emotional intelligence.
OK, so how do we become an emotion coach?
It sounds great, but how do we actually do it?
The book breaks it down into five key steps, like the

(16:20):
ingredients for that emotional intelligence kick you mentioned
earlier. That's right, 5 core steps and
the first one is foundational, being aware of the child's
emotions. But interestingly, it starts
with being aware of your own emotions first.
Self-awareness first. Why is that so important?
Because it's really hard to truly tune into and empathize

(16:41):
with what your child is feeling if you're disconnected from your
own inner emotional world. It's not about, you know,
oversharing or being dramatic. Not wearing your heart on your
sleeve? No, it's simply about
recognizing when you are feelingsomething.
Anger, sadness, joy, fear, beingable to identify it, and just
generally being sensitive to thepresence of emotions in yourself

(17:04):
and others. Tuning your own emotional
antenna, basically. And the book mentions this might
look different for men and womenculturally.
It does. It notes that while men might be
culturally conditioned to be less expressive, research
suggests most men are very much aware of their feelings
internally. So for many people, particularly
men, perhaps becoming emotionally aware isn't about
learning a new skill, but more about giving themselves

(17:26):
permission to acknowledge and experience what's already there.
OK so how do parents practice this?
Build that self-awareness muscle.
It sounds like personal work. It is, and the book offers
concrete tools. Things like meditation or prayer
can help center you. Journaling is great for
processing feelings, artistic expression works for some, and a
really practical 1 is keeping anemotion log.

(17:49):
Basically a little diary for a week or so, tracking your own
emotional triggers, your reactions and your child's
feelings. What did that help you see?
Patterns and your own underlyingattitudes.
Like what metaphors do you use for anger?
Is it always destructive or explosive?
Or can it sometimes be powerful or energizing?
That reveals a lot about how accepting you are certain

(18:11):
feelings. That's insightful.
So once you're more tuned into yourself, then you can tune into
your child. Exactly, then you start noticing
the subtle cues. Kids rarely announce their
feelings directly, right? A four year old doesn't usually
say mother. I am experiencing significant
anxiety about the transition to preschool.
No, definitely not. They show it indirectly.
Maybe they're in a dark mood andpicking fights when really they

(18:32):
need reassurance. Or, like the example in the
book, a child playing with Barbie suddenly says Barbie's
really scared when you get mad. Boom, window into their fear.
Or even physical stuff. Yeah, like tummy aches.
Yes, overeating, nightmares, headaches, these can all be
signals. The key is catching these things
at a low level, being aware early before they escalate into

(18:54):
a full blown meltdown or crisis.OK, awareness first step one,
which leads right into Step 2. Seeing the child's emotion as an
opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
This feels like the big mindset shift.
It absolutely is. This is where you reframe your
reaction instead of seeing that tantrum or those tears as a
problem, an inconvenience, something to shut down.

(19:16):
You see it as a chance. A chance to connect, a chance to
teach crucial life skills. It's shifting from Oh no, here
we go again to oh, OK, here's a moment where my child needs me
to help them understand this feeling.
It's leaning in when your instinct might be to pull away
or shut it down. OK, so you see the opportunity,
then comes Step 3, which you said is the foundation,
empathetic, listening and validating the child's feelings.

(19:39):
Empathy is key feeling with yourchild and the book uses Doctor
Gottmann own Zebra Story to illustrate this beautifully.
Tell us that one. He was on a plane with his two
year old Mariah. She was inconsolable because her
favorite stuffed zebra was in the luggage hold.
He tried reasoning, distracting.Nothing worked.
She just cried harder. Been there, right?

(20:00):
Then he shifted. He got down to her level and
just reflected her feeling. You want zebra, you're sad.
Zebra isn't here, you're angry. He's downstairs.
He just validated her reality and she started to calm down.
Even though he couldn't magically produce the zebra.
Just feeling understood having her intense frustration
acknowledged was enough to soothe her.
It's a powerful testament to pure validation.

(20:22):
Wow, so it's not about agreeing or fixing, just acknowledging.
I see you're feeling X. Exactly, the book says, become
an ally, not a critic. It contrasts two ways a dad
could respond to his son William, who's upset because
friends excluded him. Criticizing Don't be a baby
makes William feel worse. But if the dad puts down his

(20:43):
newspaper, looks at William, listens and says something like
that sounds really hurtful, Tellme more.
William feels understood. He actually starts to come up
with his own solutions then, feeling respected.
It's like getting in the chute with them, like river rafters
navigating the Rapids together. So how do we do that empathetic
listening? It's more than just hearing,
right? Much more.
Pay attention to their whole body, furrowed brow, clenched

(21:05):
jaw slumped, shoulders tapping foot.
Watch their face, listen to their tone.
And importantly, be aware of your body language too.
Are you tense, distracted or relaxed and attentive?
Let them read your openness. And resist the urge to jump in
with advice immediately. Crucial.
Your main job here is just to understand and reflect that
understanding. So you felt left out when it

(21:27):
sounds like you were really frustrated.
That just mirror their feeling back to them.
OK, understand, validate, and Step 4 is helping the child
verbally label emotions. You mentioned this has a kind of
soothing effect. Yeah, it's fascinating.
There seems to be a neurologicalcomponent putting a name to the
feeling, helping a child identify oh this is jealousy or

(21:49):
I feel disappointed and frustrated seems to calm the
nervous system. The theory is it engages the
language and logic centers of the brain, often in the left
hemisphere, which helps the child shift out of that purely
reactive emotional right brain state.
It brings a bit of order to the chaos.
Naming the monster makes it lessscary.
I like that, and precision matters here using the right

(22:11):
word. It helps.
Instead of just mad, maybe it's annoyed, enraged, betrayed,
confused. Instead of just sad, maybe it's
hurt, lonely, empty, gloomy. Building that emotional
vocabulary is powerful. What about mixed feelings?
Can kids feel two things at once?
Absolutely proud to go to camp but also nervous.
Excited about a new sibling but also jealous.

(22:32):
Totally normal. Reassure them it's OK to feel
conflicted. It helps them accept the
complexity of their inner world.OK, so aware.
See Opportunity listen and validate label.
That brings us to Step 5, setting limits while helping the
child problem solve. This is where the guidance part
really comes in. This is where the rubber meets

(22:52):
the road definitely, and the core principle is simple but
vital. All feelings are acceptable, but
not all behaviors are acceptable.
OK, say more about that. You validate the feeling.
I understand you're really angrythat Danny took your toy, but
you set a firm limit on the action.
But it is not OK to hit him. You separate the emotion which
is valid from the behavior whichmight be unacceptable.

(23:14):
That makes sense. Feelings are OK, Actions have
rules. Exactly.
The book talks about behavior zones.
Green Zone, anything goes like imaginative play.
Yellow zone? Acceptable, sometimes under
special conditions, maybe bending a rule slightly if a
child is really struggling. Red zone, never acceptable
behavior that's dangerous, illegal, immoral, unethical, or

(23:35):
totally socially out of bounds. And consequences need to be
clear. Clear, consistent, fair, and
ideally related to the behavior.Positive consequences for
desired behavior. Praise privileges.
Negative consequences for misbehavior.
Loss of privileges. Ignoring attention seeking acts.
What about things like timeouts or spanking?

(23:55):
Does the book address those? It does timeouts used correctly,
brief isolation, no harsh words aimed at calming down can be OK.
But used as rejection or humiliation, they're harmful.
Spanking. The book comes down very
strongly against it. Sites lots of research showing
long term negative effects, increased aggression in kids,

(24:16):
poorer relationships with parents later, lower self
esteem. Basically argues there are far
more effective, nonviolent ways to teach limits once parents
learn them. Emotion Coaching offers those
alternatives. OK, so after you've validated
the feeling and set the limit onthe behavior, then comes the
problem solving piece. Yes, once the child is calmer
and feels understood, you can guide them.

(24:37):
First, help them identify their goal.
What do they actually want to achieve?
Second, brainstorm solutions together.
Let them suggest ideas first. 3rd evaluate those ideas.
Is it fair, Will it work, Is it safe?
How will everyone feel? This teaches critical thinking.
And finally, help them choose a solution, offering your wisdom

(24:58):
but empowering them to decide when possible.
That whole process sounds like it could take a while.
It sounds more complex than it often is in practice.
With time it becomes much quicker, almost second nature,
and often just the empathy and labeling steps are enough to
resolve the issue. Or the child starts problem
solving themselves once they feel heard.
So those are the five core steps, a really practical

(25:18):
toolkit. But the book goes further right
into more advanced strategies, the finer points of being an
emotion coach. Yeah, the subtle stuff that
really elevates the practice. And the first one is about
actively avoiding certain destructive parental behaviors,
things like excessive criticism or mocking.
The things that chip away at self esteem.
Exactly. The book calls them insidious
habits because they can creep ineven when parents mean well,

(25:41):
constantly correcting, making jokes at the child's expense,
using negative labels like lazy or hyperactive or dramatic.
I'll be such a baby. Things like that.
Precisely. Sarcasm, derogation.
The book urges parents to be really vigilant against these.
Give kids space to learn withoutconstant judgement.
Use specific feedback about behavior.

(26:02):
We need to use gentle hands instead of attacking their
character. You're so aggressive.
Kids really internalize what their parents say about them.
It's like those thousand tiny cuts.
Seems small each time, but the cumulative effect is damaging.
That's a great way to put it. OK, what about this idea of
ignoring your parental agenda? Sounds tricky.
Don't parents need an agenda like wanting their kids to be

(26:23):
kind or responsible? Of course, we all have values we
want to instill. Courage, honesty, kindness,
discipline. Those are good goals, but the
timing is key. If your agenda jumps ahead of
empathy, it shuts down connection.
How so? Give me an example.
The book uses Andrew upset afterfighting with his sister.
He complaints. I wish I had a nicer sister.

(26:45):
His mom's agenda is for him to be nicer, so she immediately
asks, well, are you nice to her?Yeah, I can see how that would
make him defensive. He wanted empathy, not a
lecture. Exactly.
Her agenda blocked her ability to hear his hurt feelings first.
The advice is postpone the moralizing.
Address the feeling first. Connect then later you can talk

(27:08):
about the behavior or the value,like the mom picking up her
sulky 3 year old late from daycare instead of scolding the
sulkiness. Connect with the feeling behind
it, right? Wow, I was later than usual.
How Most kids are gone. Did that make you feel worried?
Validate the anxiety first. Often the misbehavior then
dissolves because the underlyingneed was met.
Then you can talk about cooperation.

(27:28):
That makes so much sense. Connect before you correct.
Basically yes. What about the parents own
relationship the book talks about Marriage is an emotional
ecology that sounds significant.Hugely significant.
It means the emotional climate of the parents relationship
directly creates the environmentthe child grows up in.
When parents show hostility, contempt, constant conflict,
whether they're married or divorced, the child absorbs that

(27:51):
stress. You mean it actually effects
them physically? Yes.
Research shows physiological changes in kids witnessing high
conflict, increased heart rate, blood pressure, stress hormones.
They show visible distress, crying, grimacing.
It's linked to all sorts of negative outcomes, aggression,
trouble regulating their own emotions, more sickness.

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And heartbreakingly, the book notes that chronic exposure to
this kind of stress, especially in infancy, can actually impact
the developing nervous system, affecting their ability to cope
with stress lifelong. They're vagal tone can be
impaired. That's a profound responsibility
for parents. So is there any way to protect
kids if the parents are struggling or going through
conflict? This is one of the most powerful

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findings in the book. Emotion coaching acts as a
buffer. When parents practice emotion
coaching with their kids, it Shields them from many of the
damaging effects of marital turmoil, even divorce.
Look at emotional shield. In a way, yes.
It gives the child the internal resources and the secure
connection with the coaching parent to weather the storm
better. And interestingly, the skills of

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emotion coaching, empathy, validation, calm problem solving
are the exact same skills neededfor a healthy marriage.
So practicing it with your kids might even help your marriage.
It certainly wouldn't hurt. It fosters the same kind of
respectful, emotionally aware communication.
The book also famously identifies Gottman's 4 Horsemen
of the Apocalypse in marriage. These sound ominous and

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presumably bad for kids to witness.
Extremely damaging for kids to witness.
They are first, criticism, not just complaining about a
behavior but attacking the person's character.
You're always so lazy instead ofI feel frustrated when the trash
isn't taken out. Second, and the most corrosive
is contempt. This is insults, name calling,
sarcasm, mockery, eye rolling. It conveys disgust.

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The antidote is consciously cultivating fondness and
admiration. Got it.
What's third? Defensiveness.
Seeing constructive feedback as an attack, making excuses,
whining, cross complaining. Yeah, well, you did this.
The antidote is trying to find the kernel of truth and taking
some responsibility. And the fourth horseman.
Stonewalling, emotionally withdrawing, shutting down,

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giving the silent treatment during conflict.
More common in men. The antidote is learning to self
soothe, take a break, but crucially, agree to come back to
the conversation later. These four patterns are toxic
for the marriage and toxic for kids living in that environment.
So how do parents handle conflict constructively around
kids? You can't hide every
disagreement. Nor should you kids actually

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benefit from seeing parents disagree respectfully and then
resolve it. It teaches them vital skills.
But the key is how you fight. OK, what are the ground rules
for conflict when kids are around?
Protect them. Never, ever badmouth the other
parent to the child. Don't use them as messengers or
pawns. Reassure them repeatedly the
conflict is not their fault and they aren't responsible for

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fixing it. Show physical signs of
resolution afterwards. A hug between parents means a
lot. Have support for the child,
other relatives, counselors, andmost importantly, stay
emotionally available to the child even when you're stressed
about adult issues. It's a lot to keep in mind, but
so important. Now what about dads?
The book stresses their unique role, right?

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They're not just assistant moms.Not at all.
Research clearly shows fathers make unique contributions,
especially impacting kids, peer relationships and school
success. How so?
What's different about Dad's involvement?
Well, historically it shifted, but the book emphasizes the
importance of Dad's being present emotionally and
physically. One difference often noted is
play style. Dads tend to engage in more

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physical, rough and tumble, exciting play.
Which sounds fun, but is it beneficial?
Yes, if done right, that kind ofplay helps kids learn to
regulate arousal, to get really excited and then learn how to
calm themselves down. But big caveat, it's only
beneficial if the dad isn't overly controlling or bossy
during play. The bossy dad, probably.

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Exactly. Dads who are too directive or
coercive in play actually have kids with lower social skills
and population clarity. The key is responsiveness and
letting the child lead sometimestoo.
So an emotion coaching dad is a huge asset.
Absolutely huge dads who validate feelings, praise,
effort, help scaffold learning your kids thrive.
Conversely, pulled critical authoritarian dads their kids

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struggle more socially and academically.
The message is about choosing tobe involved, making time,
participating in daily care and bringing that emotion coaching
perspective. OK, so we have the principles,
the steps, the advanced strategies.
Now how does this look across different ages?
Emotion coaching isn't one-size-fits-all from baby to
teen, right? Definitely not.
The core principles remain, but the application changes

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dramatically as kids develop. Let's start with the littlest
ones. Infancy.
Birth to 12 months. Here it's all about
responsiveness and nonverbal communication.
That high pitched sing song, baby talk or mother ease that's
actually crucial for emotional connection.
Mimicking their sounds or faces,taking turns in those little
nonverbal conversations. Like sticking your tongue out

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back at them. Exactly, it builds the
foundation. Also key is helping them
regulate arousal shifting from exciting stimulating play to
calm, soothing padding when theyget overwhelmed.
And Dad's physical play, as we mentioned, helps with that
excitement, calm down cycle. What about toddler years?
One to three? The age of no and mine.

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Oh yes, this is all about emerging autonomy.
Respect their need for some control.
Offer lots of small, genuine choices.
Red cup or blue cup. Focus your limits mainly on
safety and essential rules. And sharing the bane of toddler
play dates. Huh.
Yeah, the book points out, they're developmentally
incapable of truly understandingsharing yet because their sense

(33:35):
of self is still forming. If it's mine, it's mine.
So use conflicts over toys as emotion coaching moments.
You feel really mad he took the truck.
Praise any attempts to share, but also be realistic.
Maybe put away really special toys before friends come over to
minimize conflict. Good practical tip, OK moving
into early childhood, four to seven years old.

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Now they're working hard on emotional regulation, inhibiting
impulses, focusing attention. Friendships become more
important. They often play best in pairs,
so rejecting a third child isn'talways malicious, just typical
for this age. Guide them on how to handle that
kindly. And if your child is the one
excluded. Emotion coach it, validate their
hurt feelings that must have felt really lonely and then

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brainstorm solutions together. What could you try next time?
Fantasy play is also huge at this age.
Why is pretend play so important?
It's how they work through confusing or stressful things.
You can learn a lot by observing.
Are they acting out scenarios about sharing?
About being brave? Listen for hidden feelings like
the Barbie example. Barbie is scared when you get

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mad. It's a window into their world.
Address their fears, often aboutpowerlessness or abandonment,
with comfort and empowerment. Not tough it out advice.
Makes sense then. Middle childhood, 8 to 12 years.
The preteen zone. Peer influence ramps up
massively, fitting in, avoiding embarrassment, conforming to
peer standards. That becomes paramount.

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And that's actually healthy. It shows they're becoming
socially aware. So the cool attitude starts to
emerge. We're showing big feelings.
Feels risky. Exactly.
It can feel like a social liability emotion coach.
Kids are better equipped here because they develop the social
insight to know when it's appropriate to express feelings
versus when to play it cool. They also get really into logic
and reason now, like little Mr. Spock.
'S so your role as a parent. Don't take their occasional

(35:23):
their roles are mockery too personally unless it's genuinely
disrespectful. Use friendship issues as
coaching moments. Validate their feelings about
fitting in and don't trivialize it.
Why do you care what they think?Help them navigate the social
complexities. And finally, adolescence.
Done. And then?
Ha, yes, the big shift. It's all about identity.

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Who am I? Friends often take center stage,
which is normal and healthy. As they explore independence,
your role fundamentally changes.You get fired as manager, the
book says. To maintain influence, you need
to become a trusted consultant. Manager to consultant like that?
What does being a consultant look like?
Respect non judgement, acceptingtheir choices in music style

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within reason. Avoid teasing, constant
criticism, humiliation. Those shut down communication
fast. Share your values, but briefly
and with that lecture. And encourage their own
decisions. Yes, empower them.
The choice is yours. Let them make some unwise but
not dangerous decisions. Mistakes are how they learn now.

(36:26):
Stay connected. Find that one-on-one time, even
if it's just car rides. Know their friends what's
happening at school. Listen more than you talk.
And for parents, especially dads, managing work stress is
key so it doesn't spill over. Autonomy at work often
correlates with granting appropriate autonomy to teens.
Wow. OK, so the approach really
evolves, but are there times when emotion coaching is just

(36:51):
not the right tool? The book is clear about this
too, isn't it? Yes, very clear.
It's powerful, but it's not a magic wand for every single
situation. Knowing when not to use it is
just as important. OK, what's the first situation
where it's not appropriate? When you're seriously pressed
for time. The morning rush out the door.
Exactly. Emotions often flare up during
stressful transitions. Trying to launch into a full

(37:13):
message, a motion coaching session when you're frantically
watching the clock just doesn't work.
It sends a mixed message, feels rushed and can make things
worse. Like that mom at the daycare
drop off example. Right, she was trying, but her
urgency undermined the empathy. The solution?
Acknowledge the feeling briefly.I see you're upset.
We'll talk more in the cart night.

(37:33):
State the non negotiable. But we need to go now and make a
plan to connect later. When you do have uninterrupted
time, designate specific talk times.
OK, good strategy. What's next?
When else is it not the right time?
When you have an audience. Meaning other people are
watching. Yeah, emotion coaching relies on
intimacy and trust. Trying to have a deep,

(37:55):
vulnerable conversation in frontof siblings, relatives, friends.
It's difficult. The child might feel embarrassed
or clam up. It's especially tricky with
siblings as it can look like taking sides.
So take it private. Ideally, yes, take the child
aside for one-on-one. If that's impossible right then
make a mental note. Tell a child you want to talk
later and follow through. Give each child dedicated

(38:17):
individual time. Makes sense?
What about when the parent is the one who's not in the right
state? Like too upset or exhausted?
Oh, this is a big one. Emotion coaching takes patience,
empathy, creative thinking. If you are boiling mad or
utterly drained, you just don't have the resources to do it
effectively. You might say the wrong thing or

(38:37):
just not have the energy. Exactly.
Your thinking isn't clear. Your communication suffers.
The advice is simple. Postpone it.
Take care of yourself first. Go for a walk, take a bath, get
some rest. Deal with the issue when you're
feeling more centered and revitalized.
And if you constantly feel too tired or angry?
Then, the book suggests, that might signal a need for bigger

(38:57):
lifestyle changes, or perhaps seeking some professional
support for yourself. You can't pour from an empty
cup. True.
OK, this next one feels crucial.When you need to address serious
misbehavior, you can't emotion coach vandalism, right?
No, absolutely not. If a child has done something
seriously wrong, destruction of property, truancy, significant
lying, hurting someone, the behavior itself needs to be

(39:20):
addressed first and clearly. You set the limit, impose the
consequence. So deal with the action then
maybe the feeling later. Yes, using the author's example,
his daughter Mariah grew all over a new sofa with marker and
lied about it. He addressed the vandalism and
the lying directly. Consequences were given later.
Once things calm down, they could talk about the feelings

(39:42):
that might have led to it, In her case, jealousy.
You separate the behavior from the emotion.
Don't make excuses for the bad behavior, even if you understand
the feeling behind it. Got it.
Behavior first for serious stuffand the last situation when the
child might be trying to manipulate you with their
emotions. Yes, distinguishing genuine

(40:02):
feeling from manipulative displays.
Kids are smart. They learn what gets a reaction.
The crocodile tears scenario. Sometimes, yeah.
The book gives an example of a 5year old Sean supposedly crying
about a babysitter, but his dad kicked in and saw him peacefully
playing while making crying sounds, then turning up the
volume when he realized he was being watched.
Ah, busted. Exactly.

(40:23):
In those moments, trying to emotion coach the performance is
fruitless. The advice is to gently but
firmly state that the manipulative behavior won't
achieve its goal, the dad told Sean.
I know you're angry, but crying won't change our minds.
We're still going out. Acknowledge the likely feeling,
but don't engage with the manipulation itself.

(40:43):
OK, those exceptions are really helpful context.
They are use the tool wisely. So wrapping this all up, we've
really unpacked the huge importance of emotional
intelligence for kids well-being.
We've seen the pitfalls of thoseother parenting styles
dismissing disapproving laissez faire.
And most importantly, we've walked through the practical

(41:03):
science back steps of emotion coaching, being aware, seeing
opportunities, listening empathically, labeling feelings,
and setting limits while problemsolving.
And the key take away, I think, is that emotion coaching isn't
some magic trick to stop kids from ever getting upset or
eliminate all conflict. That's not realistic.
Right. What does it do then?
What's the real legacy? It builds something much more

(41:24):
valuable, a powerful emotional bond, deep trust, a
collaborative relationship whereyour child learns they can come
to you with anything because they know you'll truly listen
and try to understand, not just lecture, dismiss or judge.
That sounds like the kind of relationship every parent wants
ultimately. I think so.
Which leads us to a final thought, Something for you

(41:44):
listeners to really chew on. OK, leave us with something
provocative. The author's research strongly
suggests that the positive effects of emotion coaching
aren't just temporary. They will last into your child's
adolescent years. By then, the idea is your kids
will have internalized your guidance, your values.
They'll have the benefits of emotional intelligence built in.

(42:05):
They'll know how to focus, how to handle friendships, how to
manage strong emotions themselves.
So the provocative thought is. Think about the relationship you
want to have with your child when they're an adult.
What do you want that connectionto look like?
Feel like starting or continuingthis journey of emotion?
Coaching now is actively shapingthat future relationship,
building that foundation of trust and understanding that can

(42:27):
last a lifetime. Wow.
That's powerful thinking long term like that.
It really puts it in perspective, doesn't it?
So for next steps, maybe just reflect on your own style.
Where do you naturally land? If you want to shift things,
maybe pick just one of the five steps to focus on this week.
And the book recommends reading children's literature together,
too, right? As a way to talk about feelings,
yes. A great low pressure way.

(42:50):
Books like Where the Wild ThingsAre for Anger, Ira Says Goodbye
for Sadness. The appendix has lots of
suggestions. Use them as conversation
starters. This deep dive today, it's
really just the start of what can be a truly profound positive
transformation in your family's emotional life.