Episode Transcript
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Welcome to the Summary State podcast.
Today we're taking a deep dive into a truly transformative book
that, well, countless parents are raving about.
It's earned heartfelt praise from luminaries like Tara Brock
and Ayanla Van Zandt. We are, of course, talking about
Hunter Clark Fields Raising GoodHumans, A mindful guide to
breaking the cycle of reactive parenting and Raising kind,
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confident kids. Yeah, this book offers such a
refreshing perspective. It really does.
And it's incredibly powerful. It promises not just, you know,
instilling confidence and mentalwell-being in our children, but
fundamentally it's about strengthening our bond with
them. It's just packed with profound
insights and practical, actionable strategies.
Basically a modern guide book for becoming a more mindful,
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more effective parent. Right.
And it's easy to be skeptical, isn't it?
You might be thinking, oh great,the parenting book.
But what makes this one truly stand out, and I think why it
resonates so deeply, is that it comes from an author who's like,
truly been in the trenches herself.
She reframes parenting not as some kind of chore list, but as
this dynamic journey of personalgrowth.
She tells us that six months with a preschooler can be more
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effective than years alone on a mountain top.
I mean, what an literally compelling concept.
It really is. And what's incredibly honest, I
find, and insightful here is howHunter Clark Fields just openly
shares her own struggles. She admits her early parenting
years were, well, in her words, a mess, a period marked by
exhaustion, irritability and, asshe puts it, losing her temper a
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lot. She candidly labels her early
approach unpredictable and unhelpful.
Yeah, a style where her reactions were just
inconsistent, you know, leading to confusion and anxiety for her
kids rather than connection or cooperation.
It's a powerful self diagnosis that I think many parents might
instantly recognize, maybe a little too well.
Oh, absolutely. That raw honesty is profoundly
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relatable. She paints this vivid picture,
doesn't she, of that pivotal moment, bawling in an upstairs
hallway after scaring her two year old with her own anger.
Just a gut wrenching image. And it probably resonates in
some form with so many of us whohad those moments, those feeling
like we're just failing. And it was this exact moment,
she says, where her own mindful parenting journey truly began,
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shifting her from that stressed,reactive parent to one who is
kind, present and confident. And the result?
Today, She apparently rarely yells, and her children
reportedly cooperate willingly like 98% of the time.
That's quite a transformation. It really is quite a testament.
And this transformation, it naturally leads us to a central
question, maybe for you, the listener, if this kind of
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profound shift is truly possible, What's the core of it?
What's the the secret sauce? The author promises a kind of
shortcut, distilling years of study, practice, and, yeah,
plenty of trial and error into 8essential skills.
These skills, they're deeply rooted in mindfulness,
compassionate communication, andeffective conflict resolution.
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And these are what we'll unpack during this deep dive.
So, let's explore what these insights truly mean for your
unique parenting journey. OK, so let's really unpack this
foundational idea. First, why is mindfulness so
central to, well, effective parenting?
The book immediately throws us into a scenario that feels just
all too familiar for so many of us, right?
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You're rushing, trying to get your child out the door for
school. They suddenly launch into a full
blown tantrum over something seemingly tiny and boom, before
you know it, you're reacting on automatic pilot.
It's almost like your own parents voice, you know, with
all its baggage and patterns. It's coming right out of your
mouth. Yeah, and the truly fascinating
part here is the neuroscience behind that automatic pilot
reaction. The book really explains it
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well. When we're under stress, which
let's be honest, is a pretty frequent state for parents, our
ancient stress response system essentially takes over.
This isn't your conscious, rational mind.
It's that primal, instinctual part of your brain.
You know, fight, flight, or freeze.
Specifically, our amygdala, thattiny little almond shaped bit in
the brain. It acts as our threat detection
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center when it senses danger, real or perceived.
Like maybe a child's tantrum feels like a threat to our
controller schedule. It literally hijacks and cuts
off access to our upper brain, the prefrontal cortex.
A thinking part. Exactly.
The sophisticated part. Responsible for reason, problem
solving, empathy, making thoughtful decisions.
So while it's absolutely brilliant for helping you outrun
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that Saber tooth tiger back in the day, it's utterly
counterproductive for calmly navigating a toddler meltdown.
Or, you know, a preteens defiance.
It's a classic case, isn't it? Our biology working against our
parenting goals. So if our brains logical
reasoning part is basically offline when we're triggered,
how on earth can we parent thoughtfully?
How do we respond with intentionrather than just reacting on
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pure instinct? And that's precisely where
mindfulness meditation steps in.The book presents it as the true
superpower parents need to bridge that gap.
And the author defines mindfulness beautifully, drawing
from John Kabatsan's foundational definition.
It's the awareness that arises through paying attention on
purpose in the present moment and non judgmentally.
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What this truly means for parents, I think, is training
your mind. It's about building the capacity
to be less reactive, more present, allowing you to re
engage that rational prefrontal cortex even in the middle of
challenging high stress moments.It's not about emptying your
mind like some people think. It's more about changing your
relationship with your thoughts and emotions.
OK, that makes sense. And the impact of this isn't
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just limited to our brains, right?
The book offers is really profound insight.
Our child's developing nervous system also registers a huge
looming, yelling parent as an immediate threat.
Exactly. So when their stress response is
triggered by our reactivity, their own upper brain also goes
offline. That's the crucial link.
Which means they become resistant, unable to learn, less
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capable of cooperating. It's a powerful realization.
If you actually want more cooperation, you literally need
to physically get down on their level.
Speak in a calmer, gentler voice, make your body language
less threatening. It's about regulating your own
system to help regulate theirs. It is, which immediately makes
you wonder, OK, how do you actually do that?
How do you cultivate this superpower?
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And the book offers incredibly practical exercises that you can
start like right now, today. A classic example is the mindful
eating exercise, often done withjust a single Raisin.
You're invited to slowly observeits appearance, smell it, feel
the texture, taste it, really savor it, even sense it moving
down your throat into your stomach.
What it reveals isn't just aboutthe Raisin.
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It's a micro lesson in how much of our daily lives we just miss
when we're operating on autopilot.
Even a few moments of intentional, non judgmental
presence can utterly transform our experience and our capacity
for calm. It highlights that vast
difference between just consuming and truly
experiencing. That leads to a really crucial
point. Then the book emphasizes that a
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short daily meditation practice is the the gold standard for
significantly reducing reactivity.
Feel like this? If you were sending your kid to
a championship soccer game, you wouldn't send them without
regular practices, right? Of course not.
Well, that 5 minutes of daily meditation is your practice for
the big game. Your child's tantrum, their
meltdown, that moment of defiance.
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You can even just focus on your breath label thoughts is
thinking when they pop up and gently, kindly return your
attention to the breath each time your mind wanders and you
bring it back. That's like a Rep at the gym.
You're steadily building your mindfulness muscle.
It's about consistency, you know, not perfection.
Absolutely. And beyond formal seated
meditation, the book strongly encourages weaving mindfulness
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into everyday activities, even the mundane ones, like mindfully
washing dishes. The Zen master that Schnat Han
famously said, wash the dishes relaxingly, as though each bowl
is an object of contemplation. It turns what could be a dreaded
chore into a grounding meditative experience,
transforms the ordinary into something, well, extraordinary.
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This cultivates presence not just during your designated
practice times, but throughout your entire day.
I like that the author also offers a wonderfully quick and
accessible technique getting grounded in your body as an
immediate way to be present in those challenging moments when
you feel yourself revving up or getting overwhelmed.
Simply noticing sensations in your hands, maybe your feet on
the floor, or even just feeling your breath can anchor you right
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there in the here and now. It effectively releases that
pent up emotional energy that might otherwise just erupt.
It's like hitting a mental resetbutton in real time.
It is, and if we zoom out and connect this to the bigger
picture, the book issues a powerful warning against
autopilot parenting, that state where we rely on mental
shortcuts, preconceived notions,labels, thinking of our child
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solely as the athletic one or the smart one.
It might seem harmless, but it subtly limits their
possibilities, and it limits ourperception of who they truly
are. And while routines are often
helpful, necessary, even relyingon them too heavily can
inadvertently make us lose the freshness, that unique wonder of
each passing moment with our child.
Which brings us to another incredibly insightful practice,
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the beginner's mind. Imagine for a moment seeing your
child as if for the very first time, completely fresh, no
history, no judgments, no expectations.
You notice their details, their interactions, their personality
with just pure curiosity, almostlike a scientist observing
something new. This helps you actively break
free from old labels and past behaviors, allowing you to truly
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see them as they are right now. Constantly changing, constantly
evolving. Because, as the author states
with such simple brilliance, every morning we wake up with a
new child. That perspective alone feels
kind of revolutionary. It really does, and this also
strongly emphasizes the acknowledgement practice, which
the author literally calls magic.
Instead of immediately jumping in to fix your child's upset or
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offer advice or dismiss their feelings, you simply say what
you see. The book shares a wonderful
example with Karen, who noticed her son Asher protesting leaving
for an appointment. Instead of arguing or
negotiating, she calmly said, you really don't want to go, you
wish you could stay. I get it.
We've got to go though. He felt deeply seen and heard in
his feelings, and consequently, he left with far less fuss.
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This isn't about agreeing with their behavior, remember.
It's about acknowledging their internal experience.
So what does this all mean for your parenting practice?
For you listening, it means building a fundamental
foundation of presence and self-awareness.
It's about becoming less reactive and more attuned, truly
seeing your child for who they are in this moment, not through
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the lens of past interactions orfuture worries.
It's the essential first step, really, the groundwork you lay
before you even begin to think about what to say or what
specific action to take. It's about shifting your entire
internal operating system. OK, let's unpack this deeper
because this is where this book truly shifts from just managing
kids to like, profound personal transformation.
The book boldly states that our children often act as little
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spiritual masters, basically holding up a mirror and
revealing our own unresolved issues, our triggers, our
baggage. It's quite a statement, and
what's incredibly honest and vulnerable here is the author's
own experience she shares. She recounts how her daughter,
not listening to her repeatedly brought up her own deep seated
unresolved issues around not feeling heard from her
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childhood. She initially blamed her
daughter for the behavior, naturally, but through mindful
self reflection she eventually realized this wasn't just about
her child's defiance as much as it was her own inner work
bubbling to the surface. This resonates perfectly with
what Doctor Dan Siegel often emphasizes.
The best predictor of a child's well-being is the parents self
understanding. It means our ability to parent
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effectively is directly tied to how well we actually understand
ourselves. Wow, that's such a powerful
revelation, because it means ourautomatic knee jerk reactions
often stem directly from old conditioning, that familiar echo
of our own parents voices or thepatterns we learned growing up.
The author shares a striking, really relatable example.
If you're raised to believe little girls should always be
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clean and pretty, you'll probably freak out when your own
daughter gleefully streaks mud on her face.
It's your old programming, your unresolved issue, not inherently
her problem or misbehavior. It's your stuff, not hers.
Exactly, and the book masterfully illustrates this
with Sam's story. Sam, a busy working mom,
completely lost her temper when her daughter spilled juice just
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moments after Sam had finally finished cleaning the house.
Felt like the last straw. It was seemingly about the
juice, right? But through her practice of self
reflection, Sam discovered her intense anger actually came from
her own perfectionism, a wound carried from her upbringing
around physical appearance and needing to maintain an
Immaculate home. She also realized her irritation
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when her daughter didn't listen stemmed from that childhood
wound of not being heard, just like the author experienced, and
these insights allowed her to respond with much greater common
empathy in the future. It changed everything.
This truly highlights the books incredibly valuable how were you
parented? Exercise.
It's not about blaming your own parents, let's be clear on that.
It's about a compassionate inquiry into your own childhood
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experiences. The goal is to consciously
understand the patterns, the beliefs, the emotional responses
you're unknowingly bringing to the parenting table so you can
avoid unwittingly passing this baggage onto our kids.
It's about breaking generationalcycles, not just judging them.
And this naturally leads us to acrucial question for many
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parents. What about anger, that big scary
emotion? The book offers a brilliant
reframing, calling anger a secondary or iceberg emotion.
What this means is that anger israrely the primary feeling.
It's usually just the visible tip of a much deeper emotional
iceberg. Underneath it, you'll often find
more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, embarrassment,
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frustration, or just sheer exhaustion.
Moreover, our cultural beliefs and societal narratives, like
the idea that kids should alwaysobey immediately and without
question, can also be powerful triggers for anger when those
expectations aren't met. Right.
And here's where the book reallydelivers a punch.
Yeah, the section on yelling. The author bluntly calls yelling
a solution that's actually a problem, a deceptively simple
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statement that carries so much truth.
While it might quiet children temporarily, sure.
Maybe out of fear it triggers their fear center, sending their
developing upper brain offline. We talked about that.
Yes, that same mechanism. Which makes them more likely to
fight back, withdraw, or simply run away instead of truly
listening and learning. Research unequivocally shows it
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makes children more aggressive. It erodes trust.
It fundamentally damages parent child relationships.
It inadvertently teaches them a really unhelpful lesson that the
person with the most power wins rather than the person with the
most understanding. Which reinforces the absolute
urgency of learning to yell less.
And the book doesn't just tell you why to stop.
It offers practical, immediate tools, things you can deploy
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right in the heat of the moment.One powerful strategy is just to
step away when you feel that anger rising and you're about to
lose it. This might mean simply putting
your child in their crib or a safe space and going to the next
room for a moment to breathe andregulate yourself.
Another is to talk yourself down.
Consciously interrupting that reactive thought pattern with a
calming, rational statement likethis is not an emergency.
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I can handle this. I am safe.
You can also literally shake it out, a technique so simple yet
apparently incredibly effective.Just like animals instinctively
shake their bodies to clear stress hormones after a scare,
you can shake your hands, your arms, your whole body to release
that built up angry energy. Feels a bit silly maybe, but it
works. And of course, the most
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fundamental tool of all, breathe.
Just breathe. The book shares specific
accessible breathing techniques like 3 part breathing into the
belly, ribs, chest, and 58 breathing, inhaling for five,
exhaling slowly for 8:00. These rapidly calm your nervous
system and bring your prefrontalcortex back online.
These aren't just, you know, woowoo practices.
They're physiological resets. They really are, and the book
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vividly illustrates these tools.In Valerie's story, a mother
uses them during her three-year old's epic meltdown.
Valerie realized she was intensely judging the behavior,
thinking why is he like this? What did I do wrong?
Those thoughts spiral. But by consciously breathing and
reminding herself there was nothing to figure out, nothing
to do other than be in this moment, essentially just being
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present with the emotions, she was able to accept his big
feelings. She held a necessary boundary,
but with compassion. And ultimately they ended up
cuddling. This is the profound goal,
teaching emotional intelligence not by lecturing, but by
powerfully modeling it. That's huge.
But what about that insidious, harsh inner critic that so many
of us battle constantly? The author herself confesses her
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own inner voice after being too rough with her daughter.
I'm a horrible mother, that feeling.
The book then beautifully employs a metaphor from Wayne
Dyer. If I have an orange, what will
come out when I squeeze it? Orange juice.
What's truly inside us, our underlying state, inevitably
comes out when we're squeezed bystress or pressure.
If what's inside is harsh self judgement, well that's exactly
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what your child and you will get.
And this connects directly to Brene Brown's transformative
research on shame. The book clarifies this
distinction really well. Shame, that debilitating feeling
of being bad or unworthy about who you are, is destructive and
paralytic. It shuts you down.
Guilt, on the other hand, the feeling of regret about a
specific behavior, can actually be helpful because it motivates
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repair. It points towards change.
The book uses the profound Buddhist parable of the second
arrow. The first arrow is unavoidable
pain or a mistake, like maybe yelling at your child.
That happens, but the second arrow is our optional reaction,
our self-inflicted harsh criticism, our shame spiral.
The transformative insight here is that by choosing self
compassion, we essentially disarm that second arrow.
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We Createspace for repairing growth instead of getting stuck
in debilitating shame. OK, so self compassion is the
antidote. Kristin Neff's groundbreaking
work is highlighted right with three key elements, self
kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
It's essentially about learning to talk to yourself with the
same warmth, the same understanding, the same patience
you would offer a beloved best friend.
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For example, instead of spiraling into I'm a terrible
mother after yelling, the authorpractice saying I'm having a
thought that I'm a bad mother, observing it mindfully, and then
offered herself kindness, remembering how universally
difficult and complex parenting truly is.
We all struggle. The simple yet profound shift
allowed her to move past the paralysis of shame and actually
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lovingly care for her daughter. Yes, and a truly powerful and
Angel practice the book introduces to bolster the self.
Compassion is loving kindness meditation, also known as meta.
It's the perfect antidote to that mean in her voice.
You begin by extending feelings of love and goodwill to someone
easy to love, maybe a dear friend or your child.
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Then you intentionally direct those same benevolent feelings
towards yourself, acknowledging your own struggles and your own
basic goodness. Eventually, you expand this
loving kindness even to those ofwhom you have difficulties.
It's a truly transformative practice for softening the heart
and changing your internal landscape.
So what does this all really mean for you as a parent?
For the listener, it means you have the profound power to
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change your inner landscape, to rewire those automatic
reactions, and to cultivate a wellspring of kindness, empathy,
and patience within yourself. Because as the author wisely
says, what you practice grows stronger.
You are not just raising good humans, you are becoming one
yourself in the process. And your inner work directly
models that kindness and resilience for your children.
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OK. So you're building inner calm,
becoming more self aware, cultivating self compassion.
That's tremendous foundational work.
Huge. But then the inevitable question
arises. OK, now what do you say?
How do you actually communicate effectively when the stakes feel
high? The author candidly describes a
moment she calls a significant parenting misstep.
Or maybe a massive mommy fail was the term where her simple
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order to her daughter to put on shoes rapidly escalated into
screaming tears. A full blown wrestling match.
We've been there. Her reactive, commanding
language, she realized, had justignited her resistance.
Right. And what's incredibly insightful
here is the book's initial approach to communication,
identifying whose problem is it.This simple question is a total
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game changer. If your child leaves a backpack
in the hallway and you trip overit, well, that's primarily your
problem, because it directly effects you.
If your child is having an argument with a friend at
school, that's fundamentally their problem to navigate their
learning opportunity. This mental shift frees you from
feeling like you have to be the immediate solver of all
problems. Instead, you become a supportive
helper, a guide. It reminds you that you don't
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have all of the answers, nor do you need to.
OK, that's freeing. But if you're not meant to solve
everything, how do you help? Effectively, the book places
immense emphasis on mindful listening.
This isn't just about hearing the words your child speaks,
it's about giving them 100% of your undivided attention, which
is harder than it sounds these days means consciously putting
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your phone away, turning your body fully towards the, making
eye contact, and even noticing when your own mind starts to
wander off to your To Do List orwhatever.
As the beloved Zen Master Fitch Knight Heron wisely observed,
when you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your
presence. How can you love if you're not
there? It's about truly being present
with their experience. And the book then dives into a
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crucial section on what not to say.
It meticulously lists common communication barriers that
inadvertently stop the flow of connection dead in its tracks.
Imagine your child comes to you upset because Riley stole her
sandbox bucket. Typical, maybe well meaning but
ultimately unhelpful responses might include oh honey, I'll bet
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Riley still likes you, Which kind of dismisses their
feelings, right? Or why don't you nicely ask
Riley to give it back, which offers an immediate solution,
completely bypassing their emotional experience in that
moment? Right.
And here's where the author truly makes the impact of these
phrases crystal clear. It's brilliant.
She asks you to vividly imagine you are the one upset.
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Maybe you're telling your partner about a friend who
borrowed your favorite jacket and is now giving you the cold
shoulder. If your partner responded to
your distress with those exact same unhelpful phrases
dismissing your feelings, oh, I'm sure they didn't mean it or
immediately offering a solution.Just call them.
How would you feel? Frustrated.
Unheard. Exactly.
You'd likely feel incredibly frustrated, profoundly unheard,
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maybe even resentful. It becomes instantly clear how
these silly, innocuous common phrases can significantly damage
relationships, even with our ownchildren.
Yes. The book meticulously
categorizes these barriers, highlighting how they include
things like blaming, name calling, threatening, ordering,
dismissing, and immediately offering solutions.
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The common thread among all of them is that they subtly or
overtly communicate non acceptance of your child's
feelings or their experience, and the profound problem is that
they are ultimately ineffective.Far from solving anything, they
actually cause resistance, resentment, and shut down
authentic communication. They pushed your child further
away rather than drawing them closer.
OK, so if those are the pitfalls, what's the better way?
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What should we do? The book teaches reflective
listening as a powerful alternative.
Instead of rushing to fix, you simply reflect back your child's
feelings. So what you hear them saying?
Acknowledge their reality. For our sandbox scenario, you
might respond with empathy. Oh honey, you're really feeling
bad right now. It sounds like it's no fun on
the playground at all because ofthat.
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This isn't about agreeing with them or validating A complaint,
necessarily. It acknowledges their emotional
experience and powerfully invites them to share more.
Opens the door. Exactly, and this reflective
listening technique is critical because it helps your child's
upper brain, that rational problem solving part, come back
online, especially when their emotions are running high.
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The book gives a wonderful example of a 7 year old boy who
adamantly doesn't want to go to school because of this kid,
Mason, but through his parents patient reflective listening.
So you're saying you don't want to go because of Mason?
Tell me more, Thanks. They slowly uncover the real
issue. He deeply misses his old friend
Oliver and feels left out and lonely.
Once those deeper feelings are acknowledged and validated, the
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child himself eventually problemsolves his own solution by
thinking of inviting another friend to play.
It shows the power of just allowing space for self
discovery and agency. Yeah, John's story in the book
further illustrates this transformative power, doesn't
it? His daughter Harper came home
absolutely distraught, ranting about a girl at her new school.
Who is giving her dirty looks? John initially tried to fix it,
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you know, offering advice and solutions, which predictably
failed and only intensified her distress, made it worse.
But when he consciously switchedto a reflective listening,
simply saying, I'm so sorry you were hurting.
It's so hard to start at a new school.
I know it hurts. Holding her close, letting her
cry, something remarkable happened.
The immediate problem, that emotional storm just dissolved,
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and a week later, without any direct intervention from John,
the social conflict at school had completely resolved itself.
It highlights it. Sometimes simply being heard and
held is the most powerful solution.
It really is. Now when you are the one with a
problem regarding your child's behavior, say they're doing
something that affects you negatively.
The book Champions I messages. These are clear non blaming
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statements that always start with I.
They describe the specific behavior, it's concrete effect
on you and your resulting feelings.
For example, instead of a reactive blaming, you left such
a mess it transforms into with your toys all over the floor.
I feel annoyed because I step onthem and it hurts my feet.
See the difference? Yeah, totally.
And this immediately raises an important question.
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Why is that subtle shift in language so profoundly
effective? It's because an iMessage is a
direct, undeniable statement of fact about your feelings and
your experience. It's not an attack.
It's not a judgement. It's not a criticism aimed at
the child, which naturally leadsto significantly less
resistance, less defensiveness. Instead of triggering
defensiveness, it invites empathy.
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The book score wisdom here is sosimple, yet so potent.
Connect, then correct. Establish that emotional
connection first, then you can talk about the correction or
collaboration. Right.
And the author also introduces Awonderfully practical tool
called the friend filter. Just think about it.
We often bark orders at our kids.
Put your shoes on now, But we would never, ever speak to a
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friend's child that way, or evena friend.
Instead, before you speak, just take a breath and ask yourself,
how would I say this if I were talking to a good friend or even
a friend's child? This mental filter instantly
shifts your language to be more respectful, more skillful, and
ultimately more effective. It's about remembering basic
courtesy, even within the family.
I love that. And for those recurring limits.
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You know those battles we seem to have every single day?
Getting dressed? Bath time?
The book even suggests setting limits playfully.
This is fun. Instead of a stern command that
just invites defiance, try getting into a silly character.
Maybe Special Agent Mama on a secret toothbrushing mission or
being wonderfully contrary. Please, oh please, don't get in
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the tub. You can use silly songs or even
act comically incompetent so your child has to help you get
your shoes on right. If it gets some giggling, you're
doing it right. Laughter disarms resistance and
transforms a potential power struggle into a shared positive
moment. It absolutely does.
The powerful take away here, really, is that language and our
ingrained habits of speaking arelearned behaviors, which means
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they can absolutely be unlearnedand reshaped.
It takes effort, but it's possible.
It's about shifting your fundamental intention, moving
away from trying to manipulate or control your child's
behavior, and towards authentically expressing your
own unmet needs in a way that invites cooperation and
connection. It's a continuous practice,
certainly not about instant perfection.
Nobody expects that. But the long term payoff is
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immense. A closer, more trusting
connection with your child, and far more willing cooperation
down the line. OK, so you're now equipped with
a burgeoning intercom, some skillful communication tools.
That's fantastic foundation of work, But how do you sustain
that peaceful, cooperative environment at home?
You know, day in and day out, amidst the chaos of real life?
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The book begins by grounding us in reality.
Conflicts are a perfectly normal, even inevitable, part of
family life. Don't aim for zero conflict.
In fact, research suggests siblings fight on average, once
an hour. Sounds about a right and parents
with adolescence maybe once a day.
It's not about eliminating conflict, but learning to
navigate it skillfully together.Exactly.
And what's incredibly insightfulhere is the book's sharp
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contrast between traditional parenting styles and the
powerfully effective win win, problem solving approach.
The book criticizes authoritarian parenting, where
the parent wins and the child loses through punishment or
commands. This tends to teach children to
lie, to blame others, and fundamentally, that power is the
ultimate currency. Might makes right.
Conversely, permissive parenting, where the child often
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wins and the parent loses, maybeout of exhaustion or a desire
for peace, can unfortunately lead to self-centered children
who lack crucial self-disciplineand consideration for others.
Neither sounds ideal. So what does this whole mean for
your family dynamics? For the listener?
The author strongly urges embracing a middle path, a
collaborative approach where everyone's legitimate needs can
be met as much as possible. It's not always perfect, but you
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aim for it. This is where win win problem
solving becomes your family's. Like superhero skill, it's a
clear five step process. First, you identify everyone's
underlying needs, not just theirimmediate demands or solutions.
What do they really need? Then you brainstorm all possible
solutions together, no matter how wild or silly they seem
initially. Get creative.
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Next, you evaluate those solutions together.
Which ones might actually work? Then you make a joint decision.
You choose one to try, and finally, crucially, you check in
later to see if it actually worked.
Did it meet everyone's needs, ordo we need to tweak it?
It's a democratic, empowering process.
And this isn't just about resolving immediate conflicts.
It's a crucial skill because it teaches children invaluable life
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lessons, lessons in cooperation,empathy, considering others
perspectives rather than just blindly obeying or acting solely
out of self-interest. The book wisely encourages you
to try this approach first with positive problems, less
emotionally charged decisions, like deciding together where to
go on your next family vacation or what fun activity to do on
the weekend. This makes it fun, it builds
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confidence in the process, and it truly shows your child that
their input is valued and respected.
OK, and here's where it gets really interesting.
For so many parents handling sibling conflicts, the bane of
many households, it can feel like a never ending battle,
right? The book offers incredibly
practical advice. Coach instead of controlling.
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Don't automatically step in as the judge and jury trying to
figure out who started it or who's right.
That's exhausting and often impossible.
Instead, take a pause, breathe deeply yourself first, say what
you see without judgement. Wow I hear lots of yelling.
Or you both look really mad right now.
And then coach your children to express their own feelings and
needs directly to each other. For example, instead of yelling,
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stop fighting. Try something like OK I hear
lots of yelling, you look reallymad.
I won't let you hate your brother, but can you tell him
how you feel using your words? What are you needing from him
right now? It empowers them to work towards
solving it themselves with your support.
Yes, it shifts the dynamic completely.
The book also offers a powerful healing tool for repairing
relationships after conflict forboth parents and children,
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beginning anew. It's inspired by Buddhist
practices and has three simple parts, First offering
appreciation, shining a light onstrengths and positive qualities
you genuinely see in the other person.
Start with connection. Second, sharing regrets,
sincerely apologizing for your own unskillful actions.
Taking responsibility for your part not I'm sorry but and 3rd,
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expressing hurts. Using those non blaming
imessages to share how their behavior affected you without
blame. This can be done in person,
maybe in a quiet moment, or evenas a heartfelt letter if talking
feels too hard. It creates a safe space for
vulnerability, for forgiveness, and ultimately allows families
to move closer and deep in theirbonds after those inevitable
ruptures. That sounds incredibly healing,
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and this whole collaborative approach ultimately leads to the
ultimate goal for parents, especially as kids get older.
Influence. The book makes a compelling
argument that adolescent rebellion, which so many parents
understandably dread, is often not a rejection of the parents
themselves, but a direct reaction against the years of
harsh authoritarian discipline and feeling like they had
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limited power or voice in childhood.
If we've consistently limited power struggles and instead
grown our influence through these mindful, respectful and
collaborative methods all along,our children will be far more
likely to trust us, respect our input, and remain open to our
guidance when they become teenagers.
It's a long game investment. It absolutely is, and beyond
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conflict resolution, the book outlines several powerful habits
that serve to support and maintain a peaceful, connected
home environment day-to-day. One foundational habit is to
consciously cultivate connectionthrough consistent physical
touch. Hugs, cuddles, holding hands.
The renowned mother of family therapy, Virginia Satter,
famously articulated its vital importance.
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We need 4 hugs day for survival.We need 8 hugs a day for
maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for
growth. Physical touch is such a potent
antidote distress. It releases oxytocin, that
bonding hormone, and it helps children regulate their emotions
and feel deeply secure in their attachment to you.
I love that hug count. And for those high energy kids,
or even just for some joyful release for everyone.
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The book highlights the often underestimated power of
roughhousing and wrestling playful physical contact.
This isn't just about burning off steam.
It helps children express big feelings in a safe, physical
way. They learn crucial impulse
control, like when to stop or how hard is too hard, and it
builds confidence in their own bodies.
It's a wonderful physical way toconnect, usually full of
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laughter and fun. And the book reminds you to let
your child win most of the time,empowers them.
The book also strongly advocatesfor connecting with a play,
particularly through a practice as simple yet transformative as
setting a timer for just 10 minutes of special time.
During this dedicated period, you give your child 100% of your
undivided attention, put away all distractions, phone off,
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notification silenced, and you allow them to lead the play
entirely whatever they want to do.
Within reason and safety, of course.
This seemingly small investment refills their emotional cups
with love and attention, often leading to significant positive
changes in behavior afterwards because their fundamental need
for connection is being met proactively.
That makes so much sense. Another powerful habit for a
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harmonious home is connecting byworking together.
The book emphasizes a beautiful truth.
Children genuinely want to do adult things.
They thrive on feeling capable and contributing to the family.
Research even shows that children who consistently do
chores from as early as age 3 or4 have a significantly greater
chance of success and well-beinglater in life.
It fosters a profound can do want to do feeling and a sense
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of belonging, of being a needed member of the family unit.
Yeah, it builds competence. And this also extends to
fostering independence by thoughtfully modifying your home
environment, making things accessible.
Think about it, placing hooks attheir level so they can hang
their own coat. Having child sized tools readily
available in the kitchen or garden, creating accessible
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storage for toys. The Montessori system
brilliantly illustrates this principle.
Children become independently industrious and self reliant
when their physical environment is intentionally set up for them
to succeed and navigate tasks ontheir own.
It removes unnecessary barriers and builds that crucial sense of
competence. Right.
And finally, the book stresses the profound importance of
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simplifying to support your peaceful home.
This feels countercultural. It means consciously pushing
back against our pervasive more is better culture.
A culture of endless activities,accumulating possessions,
constant busyness. It's exhausting.
It's about intentionally reducing external clutter and,
just as importantly, internal overwhelm for everyone in the
family. Yes, and what's particularly
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insightful here is the emphasis on prioritizing free play.
Unstructured time. Children desperately need
unstructured, unscheduled time to truly balance their
activities, to deeply know themselves and to simply feel
peaceful within space. To just be.
The book quotes campaign who brilliantly calls boredom a
gift, a fertile precursor to creativity and imaginative play.
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It might feel counterintuitive in our over scheduled world,
letting kids be genuinely bored,but it often fosters the
deepest, most imaginative and self-directed play.
OK, let them be bored sometimes.And of course, a major area for
simplification in modern homes is screens.
Simplify screens. The book offers a wise middle
path, neither advocating for unlimited access nor a complete
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rigid ban, which can be impractical or create other
issues. It stresses the profound impact
that you, the parent, have as your child's Rimary media model.
They watch what you do. You can implement practical
strategies like setting parentalcontrols, establishing clear
time limits together, keeping screens in public communal
spaces within the home, and maybe even designating screen
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free Sundays or specific times for dedicated family connection
away from devices. The core message of this entire
section, really, is that your home environment and the
intentional habits you cultivatewithin it have a profound,
direct impact on your ability tostay grounded, calm, and connect
skillfully with your child. It's not about rigid rules or
creating some kind of perfect, sterile environment.
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It's about a conscious investment in fostering a more
peaceful, cooperative, and ultimately more joyful family
life for everyone involved. Hashtag tag outro.
So wrapping this up, what does this all mean for you as a
parent? Truly, after diving into all
this, Hunter Clark Fields, raising good humans is, well,
it's far more than just a book of tips and tricks, isn't it?
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Yeah. It's a deeply compassionate road
map to fundamentally transform your family life.
It's about accepting the beautiful truth that there's no
such thing as a perfect parent. That's a myth, and that your
inevitable mistakes, those moments of struggle we all have,
are actually profound opportunities for growth, for
self discovery, and for even deeper connection if we approach
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them mindfully. Exactly.
This is truly where it all comestogether.
By choosing to treat your parenting frustrations and
triggers not as failures, but asinvaluable teachers.
And by consistently practicing these core skills, mindfulness,
self compassion, skillful communication, collaborative
problem solving, you're not justmanaging behavior on the
surface, you're building incredibly strong, resilient
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roots for your children. You're teaching them emotional
intelligence and self regulationfrom your own lived example.
Yeah, and the author reminds us that the greatest, most enduring
gift we can possibly give our children is truly unconditional
love. And the beautiful, often
surprising truth she highlights?We can only truly give that
unconditional love freely to ourchildren by first leading with
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deep self love and self acceptance for ourselves.
It really does start within. It does.
And remember, this profound journey is absolutely progress,
not perfection. There will be bumps, There will
be stumbles. There will be moments where you
feel like you're starting all over again.
That's normal. But your persistent,
compassionate effort in learningand practicing this new language
of mindful parenting will not only make parenting easier and
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more joyful as your child grows,but it will also create a
powerful positive ripple effect.This ripple will extend far
beyond your immediate family. It can positively impact your
community and maybe even shape generations to come.
Your conscious effort here, eventhe small steps, truly can make
all the difference in the world to the person who means the
absolute most to you, your child.