August 8, 2025 • 21 mins
Uniquely Human shifts the conversation from “What’s wrong?” to “What’s happening?” Dr. Barry Prizant invites us to understand autism not as a disorder, but as a different, valid way of engaging with the world.
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(00:00):
Welcome to the Summary State podcast.
Today we're doing a deep dive into a book that honestly has
the power to really change how we see and connect with people
on the autism spectrum. It's called Uniquely human, A
Different Way of Seeing Autism by Barry M Present.
And this isn't just, you know, some dry academic text.
It's a it's deeply compassionate, super practical,
(00:20):
and it comes from decades of experience.
Really shifts your perspective. Absolutely.
Barry Prasant. I mean, he's got over 40 years
working directly with individuals with autism, their
families, educators. He's really been in the
trenches. And what's so, so key about his
approach, and it's right there in the book, is moving away from
this idea of fixing or curing autism.
Instead, it's all about understanding the why.
(00:42):
Why is this person doing what they're doing?
It's a huge reframe really, fromseeing pathology to seeing
purpose. Yeah, exactly.
So our mission today is to unpack the big insights for this
book, the stuff that can actually change how you interact
with people on the spectrum. Could be a family member, a
friend, someone you meet. We're looking for those, you
know, aha moments, those surprising stories, real world
(01:04):
examples that make these ideas stick.
Ready to jump in? All right, so to really get the
heart of the books argument, let's kick off with a story the
author shares. It really sets the stage.
He talks about meeting the school principal who also
happened to be like a brilliantly talented celebrity.
And his principal tells him, almost whispering that he gave
his nine year old daughter a toyfor Christmas.
(01:26):
Then he asks, was that bad? Her therapist told me it would
make her more autistic. Could you believe that this
successful guy worried about giving his kid a toy because of
some therapists frankly outdatedadvice?
It's it's pretty shocking. Well, it shows how deep some of
these unhelpful ideas run. It's such a powerful story,
almost heartbreaking really. It perfectly captures that old
(01:47):
way of thinking, often based on fear, right?
It shows this systemic issue where even with good intentions,
the focus is just on labels, on perceived problems, not the
actual person. That's exactly what Present has
been fighting against for decades.
His whole approach really is inspired by something Ross
Blackburn, a British woman with autism, told him.
(02:07):
She said if I do something you don't understand, you've got to
keep asking why, why, why? Why?
Why? Why?
That simple question, that persistent curiosity, that's the
core of this book, looking past the surface behavior and asking
why. OK, and building on that, why,
Yeah, the author throws down this really provocative
challenge. Yeah, he asks people in
(02:28):
workshops, OK, name an autistic behavior that you haven't seen a
so-called normal person do. And it's kind of amazing how
quickly people get his point. What are some examples he uses?
Oh, so many good ones. Like repeating the same phrase.
He's like, haven't you heard a kid going ice cream, ice cream,
ice cream? Of course you have.
Or talking to yourself. You just said you do that in the
car. Guilty as charged.
Right. Or even head banging.
He mentions a neighbor's toddlerwho'd bang his head on the floor
(02:51):
when totally frustrated. Rocking, hand flapping, jumping
with excitement. We see all the stuff in typical
people in ourselves. The book basically says, look,
if you can name it, a neurotypical person probably
does it too. Maybe less intensely, maybe in a
different situation, but they doit.
That really makes you stop and think, if these behaviors are
universal, why have we been so quick to label them autistic and
(03:14):
treat them like problems? That's the core insight, isn't
it? The book argues really
convincingly that there's no such thing as purely autistic
behavior. These are all human behaviors.
They're human responses to experience, to biology, to the
environment. The difference in autism isn't
usually the behavior itself, butmaybe how often it happens, how
intense it is, or the reason behind it.
(03:35):
There are ways of expressing needs, feelings, or just trying
to cope, not signs of being broken.
Often they're really functional.So the big take away here?
It's a huge paradigm shift. Instead of seeing a behavior as
a symptom to get rid of, we needto see it as a strategy.
A strategy any human might use to cope, adapt, communicate,
deal with a world that feels overwhelming.
(03:57):
It's about seeing the humanity in the action.
Exactly. And that's totally different
from therapies that just focus on stopping behaviors without
asking why. You know, those approaches that
label something autistic and tryto extinguish it?
They might actually be taking away someone's essential coping
tool. The book argues for a different
way. Enhancing abilities, teaching
skills, building better coping strategies, providing support.
(04:19):
It's about building someone up, focusing on strengths, not
trying to erase parts of who they are.
OK, so building on that, if these behaviors aren't just
autistic, what are they? The book brings in this really
key concept, emotional dysregulation.
OK, so picture your brain like asuper sensitive filter, right?
All day long, it's processing everything.
Sounds, lights, textures, hunger, tiredness, potential
(04:41):
dangers. For many people with autism,
because of how their brain is wired, that filter might be,
well, inefficient. Yeah, easily swamped, maybe
missing in some areas. It's not a choice, it's just how
their nervous system works. Yeah, it's like trying to hear a
whisper during a rock concert. Constantly.
The world can feel incredibly intense, unpredictable.
(05:02):
And because of that sensory vulnerability, they often
experience way more discomfort, anxiety, confusion, and
naturally, they struggle more tocope with all that.
But what's really insightful andmakes it relatable is that we
all feel dysregulated sometimes.Think about the author's own
example. Losing trust in his body when he
had severe carpal tunnel. Suddenly his hands didn't work
right. That feeling of
unpredictability, of helplessness.
(05:23):
Imagine feeling that way much ofthe time.
It puts their experience into a context you can understand.
The book has some really vivid examples, like the author worked
in a preschool autism program ina hospital.
They took these little kids, four and five years old to the
kitchen to see the dishwasher and just they get there.
This huge industrial dishwasher blasts out steam and makes this
ear splitting SSHHHH sound. Instantly all the kids drop
(05:48):
their trays, scream, cover theirears, run for the door like a
monster, just appear. Or Dylan, this 4 year old out
for a walk. Somebody just drops to the
ground, refuses to move. Looks like defiance, right?
But then a moment later, a dog barks way off in the distance,
barely audible to the adults. Dylan, with his super sensitive
hearing, heard it coming. It wasn't defiance.
It was fear dysregulation. The book helps you see that.
(06:10):
It's such a crucial shift and the author makes this really
clear point. Most behaviors labeled artistic
aren't deficits. They're often really clever
coping strategies, ways the person tries to feel better,
more regulated. They aren't problems to be
stamped out, They're actually strength, sometimes vital tools.
So instead of asking, how do we stop this, we should ask what
(06:32):
need is this meeting? How can we support that need
better? These behaviors become clues,
not just problems. Absolutely.
And it becomes so relatable whenyou think about your own life.
Like for me, when I get home, first thing I do is check the
mail, sort of bills here, junk there.
If I don't do that little ritual, I feel, yeah, if it
grounds me or my wife, if she's had a really stressful day,
(06:52):
she'll start organizing everything, cleaning like mad.
It's her way of coping. Exactly, those are regulating
rituals. The book gives great analogies
for people with autism. Like Baron, 8 years old.
He'd put his hands on a table and just jump rhythmically after
school. The more stressful his day, the
longer he jumped. It's like rocking a baby, right?
Movement helps regulate us. Under stimulated, maybe spin or
(07:14):
bounce. Over stimulated, maybe pace or
stare at a fan and remember the boy with the security stone.
A little polished rock, later a ring of plastic keys like a
security blanket. Yeah, yeah.
Or Clayton, who had to adjust all the window blinds to the
exact same height when he got home, creating order,
predictability symmetry in his environment to calm his internal
(07:36):
chaos. These aren't random quirks,
they're purposeful. Which is exactly why the author
really pushes back against the term stem or stemming.
It's got such negative baggage. He points out that historically
people trying to eliminate thesebehaviors, sometimes even using
punishment. Awful stuff.
He tells this amazing story about Anton, a 7 year old boy,
barely verbal. During an evaluation.
(07:58):
While the adults talked, Anton just drew meticulously. 1
colored marker, write a number, cap back on, next color, next
number. He created this perfect grid,
numbers 1 to 180, alternating 7 colors in perfect diagonals like
a rainbow. He kept himself calm for 30
minutes doing this. It showed his incredible mind
and his own creative self regulation strategy.
(08:20):
That's a strength. And it's not just objects or
routines either, right? The book talks about how people
can be regulated. Like Jason, this 4 year old
adjusting to a new town, new preschool.
He was struggling. His mom asked for movement
breaks, but crucially, she askedfor his eight-year old brother
to join him. So Jason got the movement and
the calming presence of his trusted brother.
That connection was key. That's a beautiful example of
connection as regulation. Or Jamal, 7 years old constantly
(08:43):
asking his teacher mommy at home.
The old advice was ignore it, extinguish the behavior, but
that just made him more anxious.Presents suggested something
simple. Put a photo of his mom on his
desk, assure him mommy's at home, you'll see her after
school. And it worked.
Reduce the questions helped him focus reassurance and
connection, not suppression. OK, let's shift to another
(09:06):
really critical idea. The author highlights this quote
from Michael John Carly, an adult with Asperger's.
The opposite of anxiety isn't calm, it's trust.
And that really lands, doesn't it?
It applies to everyone, but maybe even more so for people
with autism, where uncertainty can be so unsettling.
How does the book explore this trust Anxiety link?
Yeah, that quote is profound. It unlocks so much.
(09:28):
The book explores how trust getsbroken for individuals with
autism, leading to fear and anxiety.
First, there's trust in your ownbody, like prisons, carpal
tunnel example. His body felt like it was
betraying him. He mentions Martin, a young man
confused by his own involuntary movements, asking his mom, am I
going crazy? Imagine that feeling.
Then there's trust in the world.A toy breaks, ADVD glitches.
(09:50):
Minor for us, maybe, but for someone relying on
predictability, it's like the world's rules just broke.
It's a violation. Remember Matthew, the teenager
who recalled a trip not by sights, but by every single
highway delay? Each delay was like a breach of
trust in how things should work.And the third one may be the
hardest trust in people. That story about Dennis, the 12
(10:10):
year old who loved roller coasters.
It's intense. They're on the bus heading to
the amusement park he'd planned for meticulously.
They arrive empty. Parking lot driver says sorry
kids, parks closed and Dennis just explodes, rushes the
author, screaming, hitting, ripping his shirt.
Present explains this zero to 60reaction was totally beyond
Dennis's control. His predictable world, the
(10:31):
promise made by trusted people was shattered instantly.
That betrayal triggers overwhelming dysregulation.
To the big implication is that for many people with autism,
fear is just It's a baseline emotion.
Temple Grandin famously says herprimary emotion is fear.
Not necessarily of big scary things, but maybe the
unpredictable, high pitched sound of a truck alarm.
(10:51):
It's often what present sees first that fear in their eyes,
especially when things are uncertain or overwhelming.
It's a pervasive apprehension. And the book talks about some
really unique fears, things thatdon't seem logical to us, like
Jeremy, scared of butterflies atrecess.
Butterflies. His teacher helped by giving him
control. Using paper butterflies, letting
him wave them away, saying bye bye, learning about them in
(11:14):
books. Control and information helped.
Or Lily, terrified of statues. Why?
Because they look like people are animals.
But they didn't move. It broke her rules about how the
world works, making her feel deeply unsettled.
Yeah. Those illogical fears can be
really powerful, and the book shows how important our response
is. Think about Ned, the 5th grader,
terrified of the Staten Island Ferry trip because he was
(11:36):
obsessed with the Titanic. Instead of forcing him, the
adults reassured him, gave him facts about safety.
Describe the fun parts. And then the author introduced
the idea of courage. Being brave means trying
something even when it's scary, he explained, and trusting the
people you're with. But the crucial part?
They gave Ned the choice, be brave and go or stay home.
And he chose to go He. Did, and he was so proud owning
(11:59):
that choice. Succeeding built trust in
himself and the adults agency ishuge.
Absolutely agency and trust. It reminds me of Grace, the 11
year old New Girl at school. She functioned OK, got her lunch
set with others, but never spoke, never smiled.
Selective mutism book explains. It wasn't defiance, it was her
(12:21):
coping mechanism. Exerting control, giving
yourself time to adjust in this scary new place.
It really underscores that we need to build trust first.
Pushing for communication beforesomeone feels safe can backfire
badly. We have to meet them where they
are. OK, let's talk about something.
Often label fixations or obsessions, the book argues
these are actually incredible sources of learning and
connection. Don't discourage them.
(12:41):
Use them. Use them as a hook.
Yeah, he makes a great comparison to our own hobbies,
like his collection of walrus Tusk carvings.
We all have passions, right? They make us feel good.
But, he asks, why are the passions of people with autism
often so intense, Exponentially more powerful?
Often it's because the subject perfectly matches their
neurophysiology. It's intensely engaging and
(13:03):
importantly, it's a way to channel energy and find
predictability when social stufffeels really hard.
It's a source of security and joy we should absolutely
leverage. So the big idea is these aren't
just quirks, they're potential pathways.
What are some cool stories from the book that show this?
Oh. Loads Alexander, the king of car
washes, fascinated and scared bythem as a kid, his parents,
(13:25):
seeing his joy, planned trips around visiting different car
washes, mapping them out and this led to his dream vacation,
not Disney, but Vegas for the International Car Wash
Association convention. That's amazing.
Isn't it Or Chad obsessed with garden sprinklers?
Age 8. He could ID Toro orbit Rainbird
just by the heads on the ground,drew them constantly, sometimes
took sprinkler heads to bed. Deep, joyful passions and these.
(13:49):
Interests can be real tools for engagement and regulation too.
Like Vinny, 5 years old, obsessed with auric vacuums.
When overwhelmed at school, he needed a break, so his mom made
Vinny's happy book, pictures cutfrom auric catalogues.
He can ask for the book, sit quietly, look at vacuums and
recharge. Genius.
(14:10):
Or Matt, who loved Winnie the Pooh but struggled in
kindergarten group time. His mom suggested poo stickers
The teacher assigned a poo character to each day.
Matt got way more engaged and the other kids loved it too.
Who's Pooh today? It normalized his interest, made
it shared and sometimes. These passions can enrich the
whole family, right? Totally.
Hakeem passionate about train schedules.
(14:32):
His parents didn't shut it down.They got him involved in
planning their European vacations.
He'd research trains, cities, plan the whole itinerary.
For months, his parents showed the author's scrapbook, starting
with Hakeem's detailed train schedules.
It showed how they celebrated his interest, made him feel
valued, competent. That's.
Fantastic. But OK, practical question, what
if the enthusiasm is a problem, socially awkward or even
(14:56):
inappropriate like Gabriel the teenager interested in women's
ankles trying to touch them in public or just talking non-stop
about one topic like trains driving everyone crazy.
How do you handle that? Right, that's a.
Real challenge. The book suggests a time and
play strategy. It's practical and
compassionate. It's not about killing the
interest. It's about helping the person
(15:16):
understand when and with whom it's OK to dive deep into that
passion. For Gabriel, maybe it's specific
times to draw or research ankle safely.
For the train talker, maybe learning to ask can we talk
trains for 5 minutes at dinner? It's about teaching social
understanding, boundaries, communication skills, empowering
them, not stifling their joy. And when you?
Channel these things, right? Wow.
(15:37):
The book has incredible stories of careers.
Matt Savage, hypersensitive to sound as a kid, screamed when
his mom played piano. With supportive therapy, he
showed amazing musical talent. Now he's an internationally
known jazz pianist who teaches kids with autism.
Amazing. Or Stanford James in Chicago,
obsessed with trains. Memorize the whole transit
system, routes, schedules, everything.
(15:59):
Got a job with the regional Transit Authority helping
customers. Became employee of the year.
He apparently congratulates himself, saying, Stanford,
you're the best man who can do everything.
It shows the power of honoring those passions.
OK, let's touch on. Social understanding challenges.
The book uses that great analogy.
It's like walking into an unfamiliar cafeteria where
everyone else knows the secret rule exactly.
(16:21):
In a real cafeteria, you can watch and learn.
But social rules? They're often invisible,
contradictory, always changing, super hard to know, navigate
just by watching makes total sense.
When you hear about Ned again, the 10 year old shouting out
answers, he knew the answers wanted to show he was smart, so
they taught him. Raise your hand rule learned.
If I raise my hand, teacher calls on me.
(16:43):
Right. Problem is, he didn't always
call on him. He'd raise his hand, bursting,
then get ignored. He got anxious, upset.
The rule didn't always work. He couldn't grasp.
The exceptions the therapist hadto explain well, sometimes
she'll call on you, sometimes a friend.
Logically it makes no sense to him.
Why raise your hand then? Frustrating.
And this ties. Into literal interpretation of
(17:04):
language too, right? Absolutely.
Huge potential for misunderstanding.
The book mentions Zeke, 9 years old, really upset after school,
tells his mom I don't want Misses Milstein to die.
Why? Because he overheard her telling
another teacher if it rains one more day this week I'm going to
die. Oh wow.
He took it literally completely.Common idiom for her expressing
(17:24):
frustration for Zeke, A literal death threat metaphor, sarcasm,
all that stuff can be so confusing.
Clear communication is key, so. Given all this, how do we
connect better? The book talks about the IT
factor. What's that?
Yeah, Doctor. Jill Calder coined that it's
those qualities and people who just naturally click with
individuals with autism. Things like real empathy, seeing
(17:46):
the person first, not the diagnosis, being sensitive to
their emotional state. Crucially, shared control,
giving them agency, not just dictating humor helps, building
trust relentlessly, and being flexible.
They're the naturals who just seem to get it, who create that
safe space. And the flip side.
The illest people? Yeah, the contrast.
(18:07):
Is stark. People who focus only on
deficits, try to control everything, ignore parents
hopes, put rules above needs. The book gives that awful
example of Alex anxious in the noisy gym.
An administrator drags him up the stairs, throws him on a mat,
calls it intervention for noncompliance.
That's horrifying. It is.
It's. Disrespectful.
Dysregulating destroys trust. It ignores the why and just uses
(18:29):
force. A total opposite of the book's
message and the book, really. Champions parents saying you're
the expert on your own child, yes.
So important parents have that deep intuition, that
sensitivity, like Bob and Barbara Doming, whose son Nick
shut down. Sometimes a therapist told them
to force him to use words for juice.
His dad pushed him until Nick just cried.
(18:51):
Years later, Bob still regrets it.
He was communicating, he said. Why did I put him through that?
They learned to trust their gut.Parental instinct matters.
What about that myth? Of the window of opportunity
closing at age 5. The book.
Shuts that down hard. In short, no.
Early help is good, yes, but it's never too late.
Development is lifelong. Progress happens at all ages.
(19:13):
Hope is always there. He also argues strongly against
high functioning and low functioning labels.
Too simplistic, disrespectful people are complex and the book.
Shares these really hopeful stories, too.
Like Elaine Hall. Yeah, her.
Son Neil diagnosed lots of challenges.
She channeled her energy, surrounded him with artists, and
from that she created The Miracle Project, this amazing
theater and arts program for kids with autism.
(19:35):
Started small, became a nationalthing, even an HBO documentary.
One mom turning fear into hope for so many.
It's about embracing neurodiversity.
So wrapping. Up one of the biggest themes
seems to be self determination. Absolutely.
It's the the nation present mentions A Maori elder's wisdom
quote. In order to advance the mind, we
must first energize the spirit. It means engaging people,
(19:58):
building their sense of self, fostering joy, giving them
choices, a say in their lives, not making them normal, but
helping them live fulfilled, authentic lives.
And crucially, alternative communication.
IPads, signs whatever support speech.
Success breeds motivation. If you can connect somehow,
you're more motivated to find other ways, including speech.
(20:18):
It builds. On success.
And as Deena Gastner, a mom on the spectrum, says, 1 does not
grow out of autism, one grows into it.
It's a journey of becoming. So reflecting on this deep dive
into uniquely human, what does it all mean for you?
Listening. I think it's this powerful
reminder behind behavior you don't understand.
There's a human trying to cope, communicate, connect in a world
that's often too much. It's about dropping assumptions,
(20:40):
listening, observing, and always, always asking that
question. Why?
Exactly. Understanding and trust.
That's the foundation. It's about celebrating progress,
honoring strengths, empowering people with autism in their
families to live their best lives on their own terms.
It flips the script, really. It's less about the individual
needing to change for the world and more about the world needing
(21:01):
to understand and support the individual.
And maybe. Here's a final thought for you
to take away right. If we really embrace this idea
that every autistic behavior is fundamentally a human response,
how might that change how you approach anyone who exeriences
or communicates differently? It's about seeing the humanity
first, not just the label, and maybe finding a deeper emathy
because of it.
Welcome to the Summary State podcast.
Today we're doing a deep dive into a book that honestly has
the power to really change how we see and connect with people
on the autism spectrum. It's called Uniquely human, A
Different Way of Seeing Autism by Barry M Present.
And this isn't just, you know, some dry academic text.
It's a it's deeply compassionate, super practical,
(00:20):
and it comes from decades of experience.
Really shifts your perspective. Absolutely.
Barry Prasant. I mean, he's got over 40 years
working directly with individuals with autism, their
families, educators. He's really been in the
trenches. And what's so, so key about his
approach, and it's right there in the book, is moving away from
this idea of fixing or curing autism.
Instead, it's all about understanding the why.
(00:42):
Why is this person doing what they're doing?
It's a huge reframe really, fromseeing pathology to seeing
purpose. Yeah, exactly.
So our mission today is to unpack the big insights for this
book, the stuff that can actually change how you interact
with people on the spectrum. Could be a family member, a
friend, someone you meet. We're looking for those, you
know, aha moments, those surprising stories, real world
(01:04):
examples that make these ideas stick.
Ready to jump in? All right, so to really get the
heart of the books argument, let's kick off with a story the
author shares. It really sets the stage.
He talks about meeting the school principal who also
happened to be like a brilliantly talented celebrity.
And his principal tells him, almost whispering that he gave
his nine year old daughter a toyfor Christmas.
(01:26):
Then he asks, was that bad? Her therapist told me it would
make her more autistic. Could you believe that this
successful guy worried about giving his kid a toy because of
some therapists frankly outdatedadvice?
It's it's pretty shocking. Well, it shows how deep some of
these unhelpful ideas run. It's such a powerful story,
almost heartbreaking really. It perfectly captures that old
(01:47):
way of thinking, often based on fear, right?
It shows this systemic issue where even with good intentions,
the focus is just on labels, on perceived problems, not the
actual person. That's exactly what Present has
been fighting against for decades.
His whole approach really is inspired by something Ross
Blackburn, a British woman with autism, told him.
(02:07):
She said if I do something you don't understand, you've got to
keep asking why, why, why? Why?
Why? Why?
That simple question, that persistent curiosity, that's the
core of this book, looking past the surface behavior and asking
why. OK, and building on that, why,
Yeah, the author throws down this really provocative
challenge. Yeah, he asks people in
(02:28):
workshops, OK, name an autistic behavior that you haven't seen a
so-called normal person do. And it's kind of amazing how
quickly people get his point. What are some examples he uses?
Oh, so many good ones. Like repeating the same phrase.
He's like, haven't you heard a kid going ice cream, ice cream,
ice cream? Of course you have.
Or talking to yourself. You just said you do that in the
car. Guilty as charged.
Right. Or even head banging.
He mentions a neighbor's toddlerwho'd bang his head on the floor
(02:51):
when totally frustrated. Rocking, hand flapping, jumping
with excitement. We see all the stuff in typical
people in ourselves. The book basically says, look,
if you can name it, a neurotypical person probably
does it too. Maybe less intensely, maybe in a
different situation, but they doit.
That really makes you stop and think, if these behaviors are
universal, why have we been so quick to label them autistic and
(03:14):
treat them like problems? That's the core insight, isn't
it? The book argues really
convincingly that there's no such thing as purely autistic
behavior. These are all human behaviors.
They're human responses to experience, to biology, to the
environment. The difference in autism isn't
usually the behavior itself, butmaybe how often it happens, how
intense it is, or the reason behind it.
(03:35):
There are ways of expressing needs, feelings, or just trying
to cope, not signs of being broken.
Often they're really functional.So the big take away here?
It's a huge paradigm shift. Instead of seeing a behavior as
a symptom to get rid of, we needto see it as a strategy.
A strategy any human might use to cope, adapt, communicate,
deal with a world that feels overwhelming.
(03:57):
It's about seeing the humanity in the action.
Exactly. And that's totally different
from therapies that just focus on stopping behaviors without
asking why. You know, those approaches that
label something autistic and tryto extinguish it?
They might actually be taking away someone's essential coping
tool. The book argues for a different
way. Enhancing abilities, teaching
skills, building better coping strategies, providing support.
(04:19):
It's about building someone up, focusing on strengths, not
trying to erase parts of who they are.
OK, so building on that, if these behaviors aren't just
autistic, what are they? The book brings in this really
key concept, emotional dysregulation.
OK, so picture your brain like asuper sensitive filter, right?
All day long, it's processing everything.
Sounds, lights, textures, hunger, tiredness, potential
(04:41):
dangers. For many people with autism,
because of how their brain is wired, that filter might be,
well, inefficient. Yeah, easily swamped, maybe
missing in some areas. It's not a choice, it's just how
their nervous system works. Yeah, it's like trying to hear a
whisper during a rock concert. Constantly.
The world can feel incredibly intense, unpredictable.
(05:02):
And because of that sensory vulnerability, they often
experience way more discomfort, anxiety, confusion, and
naturally, they struggle more tocope with all that.
But what's really insightful andmakes it relatable is that we
all feel dysregulated sometimes.Think about the author's own
example. Losing trust in his body when he
had severe carpal tunnel. Suddenly his hands didn't work
right. That feeling of
unpredictability, of helplessness.
(05:23):
Imagine feeling that way much ofthe time.
It puts their experience into a context you can understand.
The book has some really vivid examples, like the author worked
in a preschool autism program ina hospital.
They took these little kids, four and five years old to the
kitchen to see the dishwasher and just they get there.
This huge industrial dishwasher blasts out steam and makes this
ear splitting SSHHHH sound. Instantly all the kids drop
(05:48):
their trays, scream, cover theirears, run for the door like a
monster, just appear. Or Dylan, this 4 year old out
for a walk. Somebody just drops to the
ground, refuses to move. Looks like defiance, right?
But then a moment later, a dog barks way off in the distance,
barely audible to the adults. Dylan, with his super sensitive
hearing, heard it coming. It wasn't defiance.
It was fear dysregulation. The book helps you see that.
(06:10):
It's such a crucial shift and the author makes this really
clear point. Most behaviors labeled artistic
aren't deficits. They're often really clever
coping strategies, ways the person tries to feel better,
more regulated. They aren't problems to be
stamped out, They're actually strength, sometimes vital tools.
So instead of asking, how do we stop this, we should ask what
(06:32):
need is this meeting? How can we support that need
better? These behaviors become clues,
not just problems. Absolutely.
And it becomes so relatable whenyou think about your own life.
Like for me, when I get home, first thing I do is check the
mail, sort of bills here, junk there.
If I don't do that little ritual, I feel, yeah, if it
grounds me or my wife, if she's had a really stressful day,
(06:52):
she'll start organizing everything, cleaning like mad.
It's her way of coping. Exactly, those are regulating
rituals. The book gives great analogies
for people with autism. Like Baron, 8 years old.
He'd put his hands on a table and just jump rhythmically after
school. The more stressful his day, the
longer he jumped. It's like rocking a baby, right?
Movement helps regulate us. Under stimulated, maybe spin or
(07:14):
bounce. Over stimulated, maybe pace or
stare at a fan and remember the boy with the security stone.
A little polished rock, later a ring of plastic keys like a
security blanket. Yeah, yeah.
Or Clayton, who had to adjust all the window blinds to the
exact same height when he got home, creating order,
predictability symmetry in his environment to calm his internal
(07:36):
chaos. These aren't random quirks,
they're purposeful. Which is exactly why the author
really pushes back against the term stem or stemming.
It's got such negative baggage. He points out that historically
people trying to eliminate thesebehaviors, sometimes even using
punishment. Awful stuff.
He tells this amazing story about Anton, a 7 year old boy,
barely verbal. During an evaluation.
(07:58):
While the adults talked, Anton just drew meticulously. 1
colored marker, write a number, cap back on, next color, next
number. He created this perfect grid,
numbers 1 to 180, alternating 7 colors in perfect diagonals like
a rainbow. He kept himself calm for 30
minutes doing this. It showed his incredible mind
and his own creative self regulation strategy.
(08:20):
That's a strength. And it's not just objects or
routines either, right? The book talks about how people
can be regulated. Like Jason, this 4 year old
adjusting to a new town, new preschool.
He was struggling. His mom asked for movement
breaks, but crucially, she askedfor his eight-year old brother
to join him. So Jason got the movement and
the calming presence of his trusted brother.
That connection was key. That's a beautiful example of
connection as regulation. Or Jamal, 7 years old constantly
(08:43):
asking his teacher mommy at home.
The old advice was ignore it, extinguish the behavior, but
that just made him more anxious.Presents suggested something
simple. Put a photo of his mom on his
desk, assure him mommy's at home, you'll see her after
school. And it worked.
Reduce the questions helped him focus reassurance and
connection, not suppression. OK, let's shift to another
(09:06):
really critical idea. The author highlights this quote
from Michael John Carly, an adult with Asperger's.
The opposite of anxiety isn't calm, it's trust.
And that really lands, doesn't it?
It applies to everyone, but maybe even more so for people
with autism, where uncertainty can be so unsettling.
How does the book explore this trust Anxiety link?
Yeah, that quote is profound. It unlocks so much.
(09:28):
The book explores how trust getsbroken for individuals with
autism, leading to fear and anxiety.
First, there's trust in your ownbody, like prisons, carpal
tunnel example. His body felt like it was
betraying him. He mentions Martin, a young man
confused by his own involuntary movements, asking his mom, am I
going crazy? Imagine that feeling.
Then there's trust in the world.A toy breaks, ADVD glitches.
(09:50):
Minor for us, maybe, but for someone relying on
predictability, it's like the world's rules just broke.
It's a violation. Remember Matthew, the teenager
who recalled a trip not by sights, but by every single
highway delay? Each delay was like a breach of
trust in how things should work.And the third one may be the
hardest trust in people. That story about Dennis, the 12
(10:10):
year old who loved roller coasters.
It's intense. They're on the bus heading to
the amusement park he'd planned for meticulously.
They arrive empty. Parking lot driver says sorry
kids, parks closed and Dennis just explodes, rushes the
author, screaming, hitting, ripping his shirt.
Present explains this zero to 60reaction was totally beyond
Dennis's control. His predictable world, the
(10:31):
promise made by trusted people was shattered instantly.
That betrayal triggers overwhelming dysregulation.
To the big implication is that for many people with autism,
fear is just It's a baseline emotion.
Temple Grandin famously says herprimary emotion is fear.
Not necessarily of big scary things, but maybe the
unpredictable, high pitched sound of a truck alarm.
(10:51):
It's often what present sees first that fear in their eyes,
especially when things are uncertain or overwhelming.
It's a pervasive apprehension. And the book talks about some
really unique fears, things thatdon't seem logical to us, like
Jeremy, scared of butterflies atrecess.
Butterflies. His teacher helped by giving him
control. Using paper butterflies, letting
him wave them away, saying bye bye, learning about them in
(11:14):
books. Control and information helped.
Or Lily, terrified of statues. Why?
Because they look like people are animals.
But they didn't move. It broke her rules about how the
world works, making her feel deeply unsettled.
Yeah. Those illogical fears can be
really powerful, and the book shows how important our response
is. Think about Ned, the 5th grader,
terrified of the Staten Island Ferry trip because he was
(11:36):
obsessed with the Titanic. Instead of forcing him, the
adults reassured him, gave him facts about safety.
Describe the fun parts. And then the author introduced
the idea of courage. Being brave means trying
something even when it's scary, he explained, and trusting the
people you're with. But the crucial part?
They gave Ned the choice, be brave and go or stay home.
And he chose to go He. Did, and he was so proud owning
(11:59):
that choice. Succeeding built trust in
himself and the adults agency ishuge.
Absolutely agency and trust. It reminds me of Grace, the 11
year old New Girl at school. She functioned OK, got her lunch
set with others, but never spoke, never smiled.
Selective mutism book explains. It wasn't defiance, it was her
(12:21):
coping mechanism. Exerting control, giving
yourself time to adjust in this scary new place.
It really underscores that we need to build trust first.
Pushing for communication beforesomeone feels safe can backfire
badly. We have to meet them where they
are. OK, let's talk about something.
Often label fixations or obsessions, the book argues
these are actually incredible sources of learning and
connection. Don't discourage them.
(12:41):
Use them. Use them as a hook.
Yeah, he makes a great comparison to our own hobbies,
like his collection of walrus Tusk carvings.
We all have passions, right? They make us feel good.
But, he asks, why are the passions of people with autism
often so intense, Exponentially more powerful?
Often it's because the subject perfectly matches their
neurophysiology. It's intensely engaging and
(13:03):
importantly, it's a way to channel energy and find
predictability when social stufffeels really hard.
It's a source of security and joy we should absolutely
leverage. So the big idea is these aren't
just quirks, they're potential pathways.
What are some cool stories from the book that show this?
Oh. Loads Alexander, the king of car
washes, fascinated and scared bythem as a kid, his parents,
(13:25):
seeing his joy, planned trips around visiting different car
washes, mapping them out and this led to his dream vacation,
not Disney, but Vegas for the International Car Wash
Association convention. That's amazing.
Isn't it Or Chad obsessed with garden sprinklers?
Age 8. He could ID Toro orbit Rainbird
just by the heads on the ground,drew them constantly, sometimes
took sprinkler heads to bed. Deep, joyful passions and these.
(13:49):
Interests can be real tools for engagement and regulation too.
Like Vinny, 5 years old, obsessed with auric vacuums.
When overwhelmed at school, he needed a break, so his mom made
Vinny's happy book, pictures cutfrom auric catalogues.
He can ask for the book, sit quietly, look at vacuums and
recharge. Genius.
(14:10):
Or Matt, who loved Winnie the Pooh but struggled in
kindergarten group time. His mom suggested poo stickers
The teacher assigned a poo character to each day.
Matt got way more engaged and the other kids loved it too.
Who's Pooh today? It normalized his interest, made
it shared and sometimes. These passions can enrich the
whole family, right? Totally.
Hakeem passionate about train schedules.
(14:32):
His parents didn't shut it down.They got him involved in
planning their European vacations.
He'd research trains, cities, plan the whole itinerary.
For months, his parents showed the author's scrapbook, starting
with Hakeem's detailed train schedules.
It showed how they celebrated his interest, made him feel
valued, competent. That's.
Fantastic. But OK, practical question, what
if the enthusiasm is a problem, socially awkward or even
(14:56):
inappropriate like Gabriel the teenager interested in women's
ankles trying to touch them in public or just talking non-stop
about one topic like trains driving everyone crazy.
How do you handle that? Right, that's a.
Real challenge. The book suggests a time and
play strategy. It's practical and
compassionate. It's not about killing the
interest. It's about helping the person
(15:16):
understand when and with whom it's OK to dive deep into that
passion. For Gabriel, maybe it's specific
times to draw or research ankle safely.
For the train talker, maybe learning to ask can we talk
trains for 5 minutes at dinner? It's about teaching social
understanding, boundaries, communication skills, empowering
them, not stifling their joy. And when you?
Channel these things, right? Wow.
(15:37):
The book has incredible stories of careers.
Matt Savage, hypersensitive to sound as a kid, screamed when
his mom played piano. With supportive therapy, he
showed amazing musical talent. Now he's an internationally
known jazz pianist who teaches kids with autism.
Amazing. Or Stanford James in Chicago,
obsessed with trains. Memorize the whole transit
system, routes, schedules, everything.
(15:59):
Got a job with the regional Transit Authority helping
customers. Became employee of the year.
He apparently congratulates himself, saying, Stanford,
you're the best man who can do everything.
It shows the power of honoring those passions.
OK, let's touch on. Social understanding challenges.
The book uses that great analogy.
It's like walking into an unfamiliar cafeteria where
everyone else knows the secret rule exactly.
(16:21):
In a real cafeteria, you can watch and learn.
But social rules? They're often invisible,
contradictory, always changing, super hard to know, navigate
just by watching makes total sense.
When you hear about Ned again, the 10 year old shouting out
answers, he knew the answers wanted to show he was smart, so
they taught him. Raise your hand rule learned.
If I raise my hand, teacher calls on me.
(16:43):
Right. Problem is, he didn't always
call on him. He'd raise his hand, bursting,
then get ignored. He got anxious, upset.
The rule didn't always work. He couldn't grasp.
The exceptions the therapist hadto explain well, sometimes
she'll call on you, sometimes a friend.
Logically it makes no sense to him.
Why raise your hand then? Frustrating.
And this ties. Into literal interpretation of
(17:04):
language too, right? Absolutely.
Huge potential for misunderstanding.
The book mentions Zeke, 9 years old, really upset after school,
tells his mom I don't want Misses Milstein to die.
Why? Because he overheard her telling
another teacher if it rains one more day this week I'm going to
die. Oh wow.
He took it literally completely.Common idiom for her expressing
(17:24):
frustration for Zeke, A literal death threat metaphor, sarcasm,
all that stuff can be so confusing.
Clear communication is key, so. Given all this, how do we
connect better? The book talks about the IT
factor. What's that?
Yeah, Doctor. Jill Calder coined that it's
those qualities and people who just naturally click with
individuals with autism. Things like real empathy, seeing
(17:46):
the person first, not the diagnosis, being sensitive to
their emotional state. Crucially, shared control,
giving them agency, not just dictating humor helps, building
trust relentlessly, and being flexible.
They're the naturals who just seem to get it, who create that
safe space. And the flip side.
The illest people? Yeah, the contrast.
(18:07):
Is stark. People who focus only on
deficits, try to control everything, ignore parents
hopes, put rules above needs. The book gives that awful
example of Alex anxious in the noisy gym.
An administrator drags him up the stairs, throws him on a mat,
calls it intervention for noncompliance.
That's horrifying. It is.
It's. Disrespectful.
Dysregulating destroys trust. It ignores the why and just uses
(18:29):
force. A total opposite of the book's
message and the book, really. Champions parents saying you're
the expert on your own child, yes.
So important parents have that deep intuition, that
sensitivity, like Bob and Barbara Doming, whose son Nick
shut down. Sometimes a therapist told them
to force him to use words for juice.
His dad pushed him until Nick just cried.
(18:51):
Years later, Bob still regrets it.
He was communicating, he said. Why did I put him through that?
They learned to trust their gut.Parental instinct matters.
What about that myth? Of the window of opportunity
closing at age 5. The book.
Shuts that down hard. In short, no.
Early help is good, yes, but it's never too late.
Development is lifelong. Progress happens at all ages.
(19:13):
Hope is always there. He also argues strongly against
high functioning and low functioning labels.
Too simplistic, disrespectful people are complex and the book.
Shares these really hopeful stories, too.
Like Elaine Hall. Yeah, her.
Son Neil diagnosed lots of challenges.
She channeled her energy, surrounded him with artists, and
from that she created The Miracle Project, this amazing
theater and arts program for kids with autism.
(19:35):
Started small, became a nationalthing, even an HBO documentary.
One mom turning fear into hope for so many.
It's about embracing neurodiversity.
So wrapping. Up one of the biggest themes
seems to be self determination. Absolutely.
It's the the nation present mentions A Maori elder's wisdom
quote. In order to advance the mind, we
must first energize the spirit. It means engaging people,
(19:58):
building their sense of self, fostering joy, giving them
choices, a say in their lives, not making them normal, but
helping them live fulfilled, authentic lives.
And crucially, alternative communication.
IPads, signs whatever support speech.
Success breeds motivation. If you can connect somehow,
you're more motivated to find other ways, including speech.
(20:18):
It builds. On success.
And as Deena Gastner, a mom on the spectrum, says, 1 does not
grow out of autism, one grows into it.
It's a journey of becoming. So reflecting on this deep dive
into uniquely human, what does it all mean for you?
Listening. I think it's this powerful
reminder behind behavior you don't understand.
There's a human trying to cope, communicate, connect in a world
that's often too much. It's about dropping assumptions,
(20:40):
listening, observing, and always, always asking that
question. Why?
Exactly. Understanding and trust.
That's the foundation. It's about celebrating progress,
honoring strengths, empowering people with autism in their
families to live their best lives on their own terms.
It flips the script, really. It's less about the individual
needing to change for the world and more about the world needing
(21:01):
to understand and support the individual.
And maybe. Here's a final thought for you
to take away right. If we really embrace this idea
that every autistic behavior is fundamentally a human response,
how might that change how you approach anyone who exeriences
or communicates differently? It's about seeing the humanity
first, not just the label, and maybe finding a deeper emathy
because of it.
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