Tippy Toes and Reality TV: Finding Joy After a Dark Year

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Sure Jan Podcast.
I'm your host, janice M.
We'll be talking about dating,sex relationships and a little
bit of self-help, all whilebreaking down pop culture
moments that hit a little tooclose to home.
Because, let's be real, datingin your 30s it's a whole thing.

(00:24):
So grab a drink, get comfy andlet's get into it.
You're listening to theSheridan Podcast.
Hey y'all, welcome back to theSheridan Podcast.
I'm your host, janice M, and,wow, it feels so good to say

(00:49):
that again.
It's been a year, a wild,emotional, low-key,
soul-searching kind of year.
I lost my job, I battled someheavy imposter syndrome and,
honestly, I stopped recognizingmyself for a while.
I didn't feel confident, Ididn't feel inspired and, yeah,

(01:14):
I definitely feel like I didn'thave anything to say.
And y'all know me, I hate tobring an episode with no depth.
I've said it many times on thispodcast.
It's just been so tough for me,especially like losing my job,
like I definitely like the heavyimposter syndrome was like

(01:37):
playing really heavy with, likehow everything was panning out,
and then I like like low key,definitely was depressed.
Um, I was out of a job for likeeight months, um, and every
time I was like I'm going to getback into podcasting because I
miss it so much and I never knewhow much like I missed it and

(02:02):
loved it and I just could notget myself to come back to this
mic.
Like, with everything I did,nothing could have prepared me,
like nothing could just likepush me to go to this mic.
Um, I will say I, I am employed.

(02:22):
Um, I actually really do lovemy job.
I've been working there foralmost six months now.
Honestly, it was just I don'tknow, I'm not, like I wouldn't
say I'm super religious.
I would say I'm very, I'm avery spiritual person, like I
believe in what I believe in andI will say like, yeah, like

(02:44):
prayers, a lot of like soulsearching was happening, um,
during this period of time.
Um, so, yeah, you guysdefinitely didn't hear from me.
Um, I haven't really beenposting, like on my social media
.
I just have been like reallyoff the grid.
I've been trying to surroundmyself with great positive

(03:05):
people.
I've had friendships that I'vehad to let go, friendships that
have just kind of run theircourse.
So it's just been a lot.
I just feel like I just havebeen going through a lot this
past year, past year, um, and Ijust feel that I'm in such a

(03:32):
better place than I was a yearago, or even I would even say
eight months ago, nine monthsago, um, I just was faking it
till I make it.
You know those commercials thatlike people are having like
when people are depressed andlike.
You know those commercials thatlike people are having like
when people are depressed andlike they're holding up that
smiley sign?
Yeah, that literally was me andI was heavily like, if you

(03:52):
would ask my like a lot of myfriends didn't know I wasn't
working for like a long time.
I hid that like I was superashamed.
It was like a lot of stuff Iwas going through like
emotionally, mentally, and itjust was taking a toll on me
physically.
So I just needed to take a bigfucking step back, to be honest,
and I just feel like I'm insuch a great space.

(04:19):
I feel like I'm in a weirdspace where I feel like the
shoe's about to drop, likesomething's about to happen.
I'm you know what I mean likesomething's too good to be true.
I just kind of feel like I'm inthat space just because I've
been in such good spirits, um,and just like the people I'm now
surrounding myself with arejust such great people that,

(04:42):
yeah, I'm, it's just, it's beena minute, but your girl's back.
Um, I have a lot to talk about.
Things did happen within theyear, um, dating wise, so I
definitely want to get into that.
Um, yeah, so much shit that weneed to talk about and I'm so
ready for it.

(05:03):
Before I like continue to likeget into the episode, I did want
to give an nostalgic feeling ofhow I used to start my episodes
, because I really didn't startit that way this time around,
because I feel like it's been aminute and I feel like I needed

(05:25):
to kind of get into that firstbefore I got into my beginning,
my intro.
But, hello everybody.
I hope everyone is having anamazing day, amazing week and if
you aren't, I am sending youpositive, positive vibes.
I hope everybody has been great.

(05:49):
I can't wait to catch up.
I'm going to leave all mysocials in.
Let's connect again.
I just feel like I'mreconnecting with my old like,
my like far distant friend.
So I want a distant friend.
I don't know why I just saidfar distant.
That was so fucking stupid ofme, but anyways, I missed you

(06:09):
guys.
I'm so excited to be back.
Um, I am fully back now.
Uh, there's no like weird.
Um, yeah, I'm back and then I'mgone for like three months and
then I'm back again and then I'mlike gone for like four months.
I feel like I'm like a fuckingbroken record here.
Um, it's just, it's been afucking lot.

(06:31):
I'm not gonna lie to y'all.
It's been a fucking lot.
Like I said, um and your girlhad to come to the realization
that she was depressed.
I didn't realize it.
I feel like I've hadconversations with a couple of
my friends where I've likeopenly told them like where my

(06:52):
head was at and that was a lotfor me to even say out loud, and
you know it was.
It just was everything.
Like I felt I felt a lot ofrejection.
I felt like, you know, I feltrejection from the job that I
got let go from um because I waslike laid off.
And then there was um, justlike dating wasn't like do I

(07:12):
like I had no desire to, likewant to date anybody, and then I
was like entertaining like oldthings that I should have not
been entertaining, that I'mgonna tell you guys all all
about Um and like.
My friends know this, causeI've told this story to them a
bajillion times but you guyshave never heard the story.
Um.

(07:33):
I have a guy that I've alreadymentioned on the pod before, um.
He has a new nickname, um.
It is called tippy toes.
I will explain why that is hisname Um later on in the episode.
Cause I I'm going to kind of getinto like we're going to kind
of play a little bit of a catchup and you know we're going to

(07:53):
talk about rejection.
I kind of want to like breakdown how episodes are going to
go, kind of like moving forward.
I want to like change up thepot a little bit.
This is like a lot of stuff.
Like I would say the past likethree months I've been really
like digging deep onto like whatI wanted the pod to be right,

(08:13):
like I liked the basis of whatthe podcast was um, talking as a
single 30 year old explaininglike you know how my dating life
is, talking about things likein the dating world, which is
everything we're still going totalk about.
Um, I'm such a pop culture girly.
I feel like I've thrown littlecrumbs in certain episodes, but

(08:36):
like I kind of want to likeembrace that in the on the show.
Um, I want to um embrace thatlike all of the date, because
I'm such a reality TV junkie Ilove reality TV shows, dating
shows.
Yes, my current obsession rightnow is Love Island, us.
Nick and Alandria.

(08:56):
Alandria and Nick, nickalandriaI'm all for it, if you know.
You know.
Anyways, nickalandria, stan,stand stand up.
Uh, I'm getting too into it.
I'm so like.
Also, this is like the weirdestthing ever.
I've never had a likeparasocial relationship ever,

(09:17):
like with like a celebritycouple.
I wouldn't even say they're acelebrity couple because they
were just on a reality TV showand they weren't like, they
weren't really big before theystarted the show, and then now
they're like this huge couple.
We're going to get into themtoo.
I have a lot I want to talkabout, and then, you know, we're
still going to like talk aboutself-help, because I'm all about

(09:40):
that and kind of like what gotme out of the funk that I was in
and we about that, and kind oflike what got me out of the funk
that I was in and we can justtalk about that.
I want to like mention, I wantto mention it all.
Like um, quoting fuckingBethany Frankel, if you watch
Bravo, um, I'm gonna mention itall.
Mention everything.
Like we're gonna talk abouteverything.
I just want it to just be, um,a little bit of it was, but

(10:06):
definitely a lot of new stuff,and I just want to just make it
more authentically me a littlebit more than what I was making
it before.
I feel like I talk about realityTV so much and I feel like I
talk about a lot of like popculture stuff and how it relates
to like the dating world rightnow, and I feel like I talk
about a lot of like pop culturestuff and how it relates to like
the dating world right now andI'm just like I've never like

(10:30):
you guys don't know that partabout me and I was just like
that is something I always talkabout, so why not bring it onto
the podcast?
You know, this is the forumthat I would like to have moving
forward and yeah, so I justkind of wanted to talk to you
guys about, like, how the showis going to go.
I would like to have movingforward and yeah, so I just kind
of wanted to talk to you guysabout, like, how the show is
going to go.
Um, I would love to startbringing my friends on the show.

(10:51):
I've talked to them withinthese past couple of months
about possibly being guests.
Um, I tried this, I would say,in the beginning of the pod I
was doing like kind of likestreet interviews and I like I
think I'd posted like one video.
I went to like um, kind of likean open bar happy hour for um,

(11:12):
a sports company that I stillwork for part time and um, yeah,
I did something like thatbefore and I don't know, I
didn't.
I didn't feel like I was asconfident in it because I wasn't
, like I said, suffer with heavyimposter syndrome like super
duper heavy imposter syndromeand yeah.

(11:36):
So that's kind of, really, Iwas like in that space and I
feel like I'm in such a betterconfident, confident in like
being able to like do thispodcast and be like confident in
myself and doing this podcast,not so much like confident in
other things.
We're working.
We're working fucking progress.

(11:56):
Um, yeah, we're just, we aregoing to do this.
Um, we are going to do this.
If you are a new listener,welcome, disregard the craziness
in the beginning, but welcome.
And if you're an old listener,welcome back.

(12:17):
I missed you and I can't waitto chit-chat and catch up.
So, once again, welcome toShirt Jan Podcast.
So I kind of want to get intosomething real, obviously very

(12:40):
personal, that I've beenrecently dealing with and
hopefully this is relatable.
So if you've ever put yourselfout there, swiped the right,
sent the first message,confessed your feelings, only to

(13:05):
be met with silence or politethanks but no thanks, you know
the sting of like being rejected, feeling rejected, um, just,
you know, I don't know like Ifeel being rejected is such like
you failed, you didn't do theright thing, that's why it

(13:32):
didn't go through.

(13:54):
I kind of feel, like you knowhow I've tried to navigate that
journey, like throughout thetime that we've talked last, and
I kind of want to, you know,kind of want to put all the
stuff you know with life, youknow jobs, dating, just
everything in that sense and, um, and I kind of want to talk
about, like you know we're goingto get into, like I said, I'm

(14:15):
going to.
I want to do somethingcompletely different this time
and just include a lot of stuff,um, that you know that more
resonate with me and just more.
Yeah, just resonates with memore.
And then just, I don't know,just a new way to, you know, for

(14:38):
us to kind of get to know eachother in a sense Um, but yeah,
um, like I said, um, in thebeginning, I got laid off from
my job of three years.
I remember I think I was kindof talking to you guys when I
first got it.

(14:58):
I think like it was kind ofaround this time when I was
transitioning from my other jobto the job that I just recently
was laid off from and, yeah, itjust a lot has happened and that

(15:37):
place, honestly like I'm notgoing to lie whatever like it
was not a great environment.
The environment and the jobthat I have now, which I
absolutely love, and just thedynamic and the stuff that I
thought I was getting at thisjob was just, you know, light

(15:58):
years.
It was just like nothing.
There was just like not acomparison.
It really wasn't Like.
It was just like nothing.
There was just like not acomparison.
It really wasn't like um, I'mreally happy where I'm at.
Um, sometimes I'm just kind oflike I'm waiting for like the
ball to drop.
I, I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like that inmy mind.
I'm like I'm waiting for theball to drop, cause I'm like
this place is so like it's toogood to be true, like the people

(16:21):
that I work with are likeamazing people.
Um, I even have a greatrelationship with my boss and,
like, compared to the lastsituation where I was, um, I had
like a really bad situation umwith my boss, like prior to me

(16:42):
being laid off, and I always, umnever felt comfortable around
her.
Um, she made me feel veryuncomfortable once when I was um
having a?
Um, okay, I'll like I don'tactually give a fuck because I

(17:02):
don't work there anymore, so Idon't really care to share this
story.
Um, I like it was just one day,um, I was like at work and I
don't know if I kind of forgotwhen I was supposed to get my
period, but, um, this specificday I fucking forgot and went to

(17:26):
the bathroom, realized I bledthrough my pants, um, because I
was not prepared.
Um, and, mind you, I'm like 34or 33, I think I was 34 at the
time and, yeah, last year, yeah,this happened last year um, and

(17:48):
she, like I went up to her andI was like asking her.
I was like I so I had asupervisor and he was like, um,
he was a male and then, um, myactual like big boss was a
female and so I felt superuncomfortable to kind of talk to
like my male, like supervisormanager.

(18:11):
So I went and spoke to myfemale manager and I like kind
of explained to her whathappened and I asked her if I
can just kind of go home andwork from home Because like,
mind you, I'm mortified, I'membarrassed and like, even when
I told her, I said it in like areally like really whisper tone,

(18:33):
because I was just mortifiedand embarrassed, and her
reaction to me was you know,janice, like this is like the
second time that you've asked tolike leave work.
Before it was like your time togo, whatever, before it was like

(18:53):
time for you to clock out and,um, you know, and just this kind
of looking at me and I'm justlike I'm standing there in shock
because I one I could notbelieve this like she said that
I'm like as a woman, like you'remaking me feel ashamed of, I
just like had no words.
Even in this moment, right now,I'm like I can't even find the

(19:16):
words to like what.
I can't even like put togetherwhat I was, what I was feeling
in that moment.
I just was.
I was mortified, I wasembarrassed, I was shocked, I
was angry that she like reactedthis way to me and made me feel
like not great about myself inthat moment.

(19:36):
And you know, for for me, likeI don't know, I was just I
didn't know what to say.
And then I my first reaction was, I mean, I think there was like
an H&M like down the street orsomething like.
Where we were like there waslike a couple shops and I was

(19:58):
like I can go there to get newpants.
And then she was like, oh, okay.
And then I was like sittingthere and I was thinking I was
like the other time I left earlyand I had asked her to leave
early my mom was rushed to theemergency room.
So I'm like wow, you really are.

(20:20):
Like you're not a nice person,you're not a good person.
Like to, not a good person liketo me, like that, right, there
was just like wow.
And then, ever since then itjust was like I felt very weird,
like even calling out sick, Ifelt uncomfortable.
Like I would go to work, likeeven if I felt like shit, like I
would go to work.
And then like I felt like onceshe saw like how bad I looked

(20:45):
and she gave me the okay toleave, like then I would feel
like I was like, okay, like shesaw me, she knows like I'm
actually sick and she's notgoing to question me.
I mean, like I just felt like Ihad like she was going to
question if I needed to, like,you know, if I was sick or I was
not.
Like I was faking it and I'mlike I'm a adult, I'm a grown

(21:07):
ass woman.
I don't need to like do that.
Like it's very idiotic, like itwas just like the her thought
process I didn't reallyunderstand.
And then also, I'm like, as awoman, for you to make me feel
like shameful of something thatyou've experienced and you have
kids yourself, you know, likeit's just, it's crazy.
It was like crazy.

(21:27):
And then to think like nobullshit.
Like the first year that Iworked there, we had this like
gathering where we like all theall, like the places that, um,
we had, like we had departmentsin like, uh, chicago and like

(21:49):
all these other places and, um,and it was like a big gathering
for all of us to like, kind oflike see each other meet the
other teams and all that stuff,and it was.
I remember I was like I haddrinks and I was having a good
time and I remember I was likewith her and, honestly, like

(22:13):
that lady, like I don't evenknow what, I don't know what the
term of if somebody can tell mewhat this is like the term of
like love bombing, but in aworkplace, like they make you
feel like, oh my God, you're thebest thing in the world, we're
so happy to have you like, makeyou feel so much love in the

(22:35):
beginning, and then, in theblink of a fucking like, it was
just like, it's just like Iblinked and then this situation
happened and I was like, oh myGod, to think I said how much I
appreciated you as a boss andhow you were so nice and how,
like all these things.
And then, yeah, so that's why Ifeel like in this new job,

(23:01):
that's why, like I, I mean, Ifeel like I have PTSD, um, and
that's why I feel like I'mwaiting for, like the shoe to
drop or something.
I don't know, it's just a lot.
So I just, you know that wholesituation, even getting laid off
, it was like I, you know, Ifelt like a of like huge, huge,

(23:22):
huge feel of rejection and itwas hard.
It was like I hid it from myfriends, like I didn't tell
anybody, like like the likereally, really, really close
people.
I told like right away, um,like my best friend in LA.
I like I told her right away,um like my best friend here.

(23:45):
Like I told her right away, um,like my best friend here.
Like I told him right, like Ijust like I told them like super
fast um, because I just, youknow, like I trusted them um
with that information and I justwasn't ready to like kind of
share that information witheverybody.
It took a while before I toldanybody.
And yeah, I don't know I was.
I felt very rejected, I feltembarrassed.

(24:09):
Um, yeah, it was a lot um likewas depressed for a bit.
Um, it was really hard to justlike navigate.
Um, I don't know, it was justreally hard to navigate.
During that time.

(24:29):
I just was dealing with a lot.
I had bills to pay.
I ended up, um, I think I didDoorDash, I did Instacart, just
to make money.
Um, I worked my part-time job,but obviously, you know, I have
like part-time job.
I can't really work that likefull, like just the way it works

(24:53):
.
That it's not like a type ofsituation where it's like
full-time and it was just likepart and I'm not making that
much money like that I would bemaking, like, obviously, um,
unemployment like ran its course, uh, where I wasn't getting
anything but like unemployment'slike not a lot, it's just like.
I think it's like what, likeone-fourth of your check or some

(25:25):
shit like that, I don't, Idon't, I don't know how to do
math and don't quote me on whatI'm saying on that part of
percentage and all that stuff.
Um, but yeah, it was tough, um,and then I was like I hated the,
I hated doing DoorDash, I hateddoing Instacart.
Um, well, the money was likedoing what it needed to do in
the moment, because I had to doit all the time.
Like I went from working fivedays a week, having my weekends
off, to, like you know, workingsix days a week, seven days a

(25:51):
week, and I'd be out there forlike hours and you know, just to
kind of make enough money.
It was just, it was a lot um,and then I slowly, slowly,
slowly, slowly started feeling,you know, I was just like, oh,
like I would just like sleep inand I was isolating myself,
which is like not really me.
Um, I do like to compose, likedecompress and do that.

(26:15):
I like to.
You know, I do like my alonetime.
I like I do like to be bymyself, um, but, um, I do like
my own company.
Um, I should say but, um, yeah,it was a really weird time for
me, um, and rough.
It was really rough, it washard.
I still kind of like I'm stilllike navigating like from that

(26:39):
time, like in this moment.
Like I said, I feel so likelike that time, like in this
moment, like I said, I feel solike like the shoes about to
drop, just because I was just insuch a not great space.
Then I was like in such areally bad head space, yeah, and
I kept how I was feeling tomyself and it was just like it

(27:01):
was hard because, like, I justfelt like when I would talk to
people about it, I would justget like this look of pity and
for people, like when peoplelook at you with pity, I and
it's and like also like familytoo, it's, it's a really hard
pill to swallow.
It's really hard to see that.
It's really hard to see that.

(27:21):
It's really hard to experienceit.
It was tough.
So, yeah, your girl was goingthrough it not to just kind of
really really like fully getinto it and kind of like
sidetrack and shit.
But yeah, I was really goingthrough it.
So doing this was something Ireally loved and I was not in a
great headspace.

(27:41):
I was just like how the fuckcan I talk about dating and you
know, like funny and whatevercan laugh at myself, type of
shit if I'm not in like the bestheadspace?
Now, did I get some dick withwhile I was still in the space?
Yeah, I did, and I'm going totell you guys a story about that

(28:02):
in this episode.
So this isn't going to be like,oh, I'll tell you guys about it
later.
No, you guys will find outabout it.
You know I will not keep thatfrom y'all.
But yeah, like I just I justfelt like I couldn't really like
do this and having a podcast isa another job.
Like it, having a podcast isanother job.

(28:23):
It was another job.
It can kind of run into being afull-time job and it's a lot of
hours, a lot of time that Ineed to put into it and it's
just like if I'm not in theright headspace, I can't put my
all into it.
So that's kind of like reallyrare.

(28:43):
I was at Um, but yeah, uh, kindof steering off from that.
Um dating wise cause.
Hey, uh, this is a datingpodcast, so that's what we're
going to talk about.
Um, dating has been like weird.
Uh, I got back on the apps.

(29:05):
It's just like I feel like it'slike a never ending story with
the apps.
I'm trying to get myself outthere.
I, um was talking to, uh, myfriend Akilah and we were having
a conversation about, you know,us trying to really put
ourselves out there and like howthe apps like fucking are awful

(29:25):
.
I mean they're awful for me.
Like I mean some people likereally have great luck and
others just don't like me.
I just don't have great luck.
Like the guys that I've foundon the apps that I've talked to,
that I went on dates with, thatI've hooked up with that, you

(29:47):
know, I've exchanged messageswith whatever.
Just, it's never panned out.
Obviously I'm still single.
Like some of those situationslike became situationships and
then that was a whole thing,became situationships and then
that was a whole thing.
Um, mr vanilla, even though,like I knew him when I was

(30:08):
younger, we like reconnectedthrough the apps and you guys
already know how that wholething happened.
Um, if you're new here, um, Italk about love bombing.
Um, I, I talk about Mr Vanillaa lot.
That's who he is, if you need areference to or a reminder of
who that person is.
Um, yeah, he wasn't a greatperson.

(30:28):
He was like a whirlwind ofchaos in my life and I, yeah,
very happy that that wholesituation is done.
But, yeah, is done.
But yeah, um, I, oh, my God, Iwant to tell you guys about this
.
Like, really, I was having thisthought and I was like you know

(30:55):
the demograph, like the agedemographic of what I've been
dating.
I'm like you know I've tried todate guys like around my age,
maybe like within their thirtiesand, like you know, close to
tried to date guys like aroundmy age, maybe like within their
30s and, like you know, close to40.
Like, I've been kind of hittingthat age range, right, like I'm
just like I don't want toreally date somebody in their
20s, whatever.
But then I was like, why am Istopping that?

(31:16):
28, 29, and has the maturityand is what I'm looking for, is
ready to treat me the way that I, you know, want to be treated
by somebody and vice versa.
You know what I mean.
Like that kind of shit.

(31:36):
So I was like, all right, I'mgonna give it a go, like be open
to it.
Uh, it was cool, cause, like wewere messaging on the app, we
got off the apps, like exchangenumbers, um.
And then like he was like can Icall you one of these days?

(31:57):
And like, to be honest, likeI'm such a texter, I'm also an
awful texter.
Like I really like I think I'ma little delulue and I think I'm
a great texter.
I'm an awful fucking texter.
Like I will be in the middle ofdoing something and I feel like
I'm undiagnosed and I have ADHDor something.
Like I, yeah, um, but I can,like I'm just not a good texter.

(32:24):
I just think I am, but I'm not.
Um, I'll be doing something.
Look at a text like I was saying, and I'll be like oh, like I'll
get back to that personcompletely fucking forget, like
do what I was doing, completelyfucking forget, and then be like
oh shit, like it's been an houror two hours later and I
fucking forgot to text thisperson.
Like oops, my bad.
Like I'm an awful texter.

(32:45):
Like you can ask like my sister, like she will text me.
Like this morning I think shetexted me at like 10 am.
I didn't get back to her untillike 2 and like I saw the text
at 10 am but I like I was in themiddle doing something at work
and then I completely gotsidetracked and I was like, oh
fuck, I forgot to text her back.
Um, but yeah, yeah, so it wasjust kind of like um all over

(33:11):
the place, but he was texting meand then, like had asked to
call me and like I normally likewhen I'm talking to a guy, it's
normally we just directly textand then like plan to meet and
then like really when I get tohear his voice is like really on
the first date, like, and Iactually like that I don't know,

(33:36):
I feel like the older I've got,the more I've appreciated like
an actual phone call.
The older I've got, the moreI've appreciated like an actual
phone call.
Like I actually feel like it'sum, it's a lot personal and I
just I like you know, obviouslyyou can hear the person's voice
and like when you're talkinglike there's no miss um of like
tone, like you can't likemisunderstand their tone because

(33:57):
like obviously if you'retalking to somebody can like hit
a tone in their voice, so likeyou can kind of like feel it out
in that sense instead of, like,when you're through text, like
sometimes, like some people willtext something and I'm like,
are they meaning this in likesuch a shitty way?
Are they meaning this in a likegood way or in a bad, whatever?
Um, but anyways, um, we talked,I really liked it.

(34:22):
Um.
So in Massachusetts at the time,um, the Karen retrial look it
up, amazing, I was so into thatcase like I was so like that was
my other job.
I was like fucking watching it.
Um, I was so fortunate that,like my boss is just as obsessed
with it, so like we'd talk allthe time about the case.

(34:43):
I'd watch the trial while I wasat, like I would be watching it
like, um, at my desk, I'd putlike a little tiny box in the
corner of my computer and Iwould be listening to it and
then, like looking over when Ineeded to, but, like you know,
multitasking, um, um, trying tomultitask, cause sometimes I

(35:04):
would be like watching it andthen I'm like, oh shit, I forgot
, I'm literally in the middle ofworking, like it's the middle
of the workday.
So, yeah, so he called me and hewas like we were talking and I
was like kind of telling himabout it and I don't know.
I felt I felt really giddy.
I was like excited because thisman literally let me rant for

(35:28):
45 minutes about this trial thathe never heard of.
And honestly, when he told mehe never heard of this Karen
retrial, that and he's fromMassachusetts and it's like one
of the biggest cases that ishere, I should have already like
kind of like my antenna shouldhave already gone up and I know
how crazy that fucking sounds.
But like honestly, like I waslike, oh okay, so you're not

(35:49):
like kind of aware of likewhat's happening in the world,
like the you know, like Iwouldn't say like pop culture,
but like kind of like what'sgoing on.
So I just kind of thought thatwas weird.
But whatever, um, it was veryweird that he didn't know about
it, but I thought it was sosweet in the moment that he like
listened to me rant about itand like really was listening to

(36:09):
me, like was like repeatingthings that I said like verbatim
, like back to me and asking mequestions about things, and I
think I got so flustered Istarted like fucking up the
story and I was like how do Ifuck up something that I like
know like the back of my handtype of thing, like it was just
like I was so flustered and Iwas like, oh my God, like I was
like, wow, like this wasinteresting.

(36:30):
And, mind you, this man is likethis man was 27.
He is 27.
Why am I saying was like thisman died?
Um, I well, well, I don't know,but god forbid, uh, knock on
wood.
Um, and like when we weretalking, it was it was cool,

(36:51):
like I enjoyed it.
And he was like really intosoccer.
I know shit about soccer.
But like I was like reallyengaged in what he was saying,
like I was really really intothis dude.
Um, and we were like planning tomeet and going on a date,
whatever, and he was likeplanning this day for me.
And he was like, oh, I, just, I, he's just.
He was so nervous to plan thisdate and thought that I wasn't
going to enjoy it or whatever.

(37:11):
And like I kind of got a hint.
So I thought he was.
He was kind of taking me on asimilar date, but the place I
thought he was taking me towasn't.
It was another place which Idon't know.
I don't really that place isall right.
Um, but we were planning thisdate.
So him and I would text everysingle day, um, and like couple

(37:34):
times throughout the day, likewe check in, talk.
It was nice.
It was, like you know, I wasenjoying the giddy feeling of
like texting somebody likecontinuously.
It was like it was, oh my God,it was great.
And when we were talking aboutthis date that he was planning,
he kind of didn't want to tellme where we were going.
He wanted it to be a surprise.

(37:54):
And that intrigued me too,because I was like, oh, that's
like really cool.
Like he wants to surprise me,he's planning this date.
I'm like oh, that's like reallycool.
Like he wants to surprise me,he's planning this date.
I'm like, oh my god, like Idon't know.
I was I was so giddy guys, likeI was.
I was like, wow, maybe, likemaybe this is gonna be like my
summer, like maybe this is gonnahappen for real, like maybe,

(38:16):
like giving this guy a chancewas like you know, um, and so we
were planning, I was coachingUm, I was coaching on.
It was like a Saturday.
We were planning to hang out ona Saturday and I was coaching
earlier in the day and I toldhim I was like hey, I'm coaching
Um, and then I can like meetyou up.

(38:39):
After I think we met up, we weresupposed to meet up around like
four or five o'clock orwhatever time it was, and it was
like raining and um, I got atext from him and, mind you, I
was coaching, so, like, I waslike when I had to go to my
phone, I, you know, I Checkedand, you know, went back and

(39:00):
forth, whatever.
And then I like saw a text andsaying like, hey, like it's
supposed to be raining today,like can we rain check?
And I was like in my mind, I'mlike, are we doing something
outside?
I think I asked him that like,I think after my practice I
texted him back and I was like,are we doing something outside?
Like, and he was like no, it'sinside.

(39:21):
And then I was just, I was superconfused and I'm like, okay, so
you're canceling a date becauseit's raining.
And I'm like this dude'sfeeding me.
Bullshit.
Like this is such bullshit.
This man is feeding me rightnow.
Like what the fuck are youtalking about?
Like, are you that much of alittle bitch that you're afraid

(39:42):
of water?
Like hitting your body?
I don't.
I'm like I'm confused by afucking like umbrella, a rain
jacket, a raincoat dude.
Like I'm very confused becausehe was like, oh, I'm gonna get
on the train and then I'm gonnahave to.
I'm like I was so confused.
I'm like I'm like okay, likeI'm very Confucius, like what

(40:02):
the fuck is going on right now?
Like what are you talking about?
And so like we were kind of Ithink we were voice noting back
and forth.
This is like kind of reallywhat pissed me off.

(40:25):
So, uh, we met on Bumble and onmy Bumble profile I say like, um
, I say if we don't meet withinlike the first, like two weeks
of us talking, like I'm notgoing to waste my time.
Like I just feel like that'sjust such a waste.
Like I feel like if you'rematching with me, we should be
talking, we should be connecting, like that's what this is about

(40:45):
.
So like that needs to happen.
Um, and that's kind of I'vebeen like kind of on that kick
and I fully stand by that.
I feel like if you and I areswiping right like I don't want
to talk to you and be yourfucking pen pal for like weeks
on, weeks before I ever meet youor see you or whatever, like
it's just stupid.
I like I hate that.

(41:06):
I'm just like.
I'd rather just kind of feelyou out, get to know, you see,
if I like think that we havelike chemistry or anything like
that, and then go from there.
That's kind of like where myheadset is, like my mindset was
at my headset, like my mindsetwas at and um, and so he, like
kind of voice, noted me and hetold me like try to throw me

(41:27):
saying that in my face and he'slike well, if we reschedule,
it's going to be past your twoweek mark, and like all this
bullshit that he was saying tome.
And I'm just sitting there likelistening to this voice and I'm
getting annoyed and I'm likenot him throwing what I said on

(41:50):
my page, like my profile, nothim throwing that back in my
face, not him trying to break adate because it's fucking
raining outside, not him justlike.
And also like, when he wasexplaining the date, he made it
seem like I wouldn't be, like Iwouldn't be into that type of
date, like he tried to make meseem like I was some like

(42:11):
literally was like saying that Iwas bougie, like he said I was
bougie and all that stuff, andlike I was like, wow, you were
listening to me, but I don'treally feel like you were like
really understanding me.
Maybe I don't know, because I'mlike I'm the the furthest thing
from being a bougie person.
Like I'm not a bougie bitch atall, like I'm not bougie
whatsoever.
I'm the most laid-back, chillperson, like, if you ask any of

(42:34):
my friends, I'm not thatwhatsoever.
I'm the cheapest person.
I'm cheap as fuck.
Like I will.
Like I am like on food that's alittle different, but on like
stuff that I actually need, I'mlike oh my god, do I have to
really pay?
Like I have to like try tojustify payments in my mind.
Like if I have to buy myselfsomething new, I'm like it was a

(42:57):
bill, so like I had to buy it.
Like I'm just so cheap.
I just try to wrap my mindaround paying for things and I
don't know.
Anyways, when he said that to me, I was so insulted and I kind
of said that to him and I likesaid it in the voice note
whatever, blah, blah, blah.
And, mind you, this man hadadded me on um, he added me on

(43:19):
Instagram, and so after I saidthat, whatever, he just was
acting like a bitch.
I was so annoyed and then I waskind of like playing into like
what he was saying and I waskind of making it like I was
okay with um at one point in ourconversation.

(43:41):
I don't know, I think I gotlike lost in the sauce because
at one point I was like okaywith trying to reschedule it and
then the days he had suggestedI had like I couldn't do those
days and then then he was justlike kind of like throwing back
the thing in my face about themy Bumble profile, whatever
Y'all.
I was like my bumble profile,whatever y'all.

(44:06):
I was like I was all set.
And then he like I don't knowif he left me on red or I y'all,
I don't remember, but I go onInstagram.
I like I was being a littlepetty and I put a story and I
was was like, yeah, like back tothe drawing board or something
like that.
I said um, and he saw the story, unfriended me, and then I

(44:31):
think that's when he left me onread.
I think he saw it unfriended me, left me on read, and that was
like the end of that.
Um, um and I was like I waslike cool, um, anyways, that

(44:52):
whole situation was like agoddamn mess.
Um, yeah, got excited, was likereally into.
This dude decided to just kindof like show his ass and be an
asshole a little bit.
And, yeah, I was, I was all setwith that whole situation.
Um, he just like, yeah, reallyrubbed me the wrong way.
Um, and I don't know, I reallyput myself out there with him

(45:15):
and I just kind of felt like itwasn't like I don't know.
He had like a lot of like.
He had a lot of shit that hewas dealing with too like, and I
was like is this, is thissomething I may be dealing with?
I don't know.
I think I just kind of got inmy head a lot about it and, you
know, I felt I don't know evenlike, when he was like trying to

(45:40):
like break the date and like,and he like threw that stuff in
my face and all that stuff, Iwas like damn, is he like?
I was like, wow, like I, I, youknow, I I had that like feeling
of like, like I felt a littlerejected and kind of felt like
slighted by this dude.
I was like, damn, like, like Ishould be, like I should be

(46:04):
upset here.
I shouldn't feel like shit andI shouldn't feel shit about
myself.
I'm like is it me, am I likethe problem?
Is it me Like I don'tunderstand?
I'm so confused Like yeah,granted, my fucking post was
petty, um, but I didn't reallylike really say like, oh, back
to the drawing board, beingsingle or something.
I didn't say shit like that, Ijust said back to the drawing
board.
That's all I fucking said Like,take that post however you want

(46:25):
to fucking take that post, butwhatever, he unfriended me.
That was the end of it.
I was like cool, whatever dude,like great, but that was like
the last person I would say likethat I was talking to, like the
last person I would say likethat I was talking to, um.
In that sense, I guess, tryingto like pursue dating like off

(46:49):
the apps, like that was like mylast apps experience, um, and
yeah, so, like during this time,like you know that we've been
apart time, like you know thatwe've been apart um.
So I remember I was talking toyou guys about Mo Vaughn and um

(47:10):
and I was like kind of tellingyou guys about him and like our
interaction and stuff and um.
So I have like a recent well,not recent this um, but like
that was the last time I saw.
I saw him, I've spoken, I'vespoken to him recently, like he
literally like messaged me today, but anyways, he has a new

(47:32):
nickname and I'm gonna tell youguys about it.
And then, um, yeah, so this islike, um, this is my recent
experience with Movan.
Um, this is my recentexperience with Movan, which is
going to have a new nickname.
When we, when we, when I finishthe story, um, but yeah, so

(47:53):
Movan and I, like you know, likea couple months ago, we were
like texting and, um, I was Idon't know what was going on
with me.
I, you know what, I know whatwas going on with me.
I was horny and really kind ofdesperate and I'm not going to
lie, I sent a thirst trappicture to move on, because I

(48:17):
knew he was going to fuckinganswer me.
I knew he was going to answerme.
I knew he was going to fuckinganswer me.
I knew he was going to answerme and so I messaged him because
I like, honestly, like I feellike my, how I am, I'm such a, I
feel like he's done a lot ofstuff to me that I just like,
don't not respect him.
I don't want to say I don'trespect him.
I, I do somewhat respect him,but like I don't know just

(48:39):
certain things about him.
I just was like you're, I wouldnever, I would never date you.
Like you're, you're availablefor me to.
You know, hook up with, and Ithink we are both adults, we
both want that.
So like I think we move fromthat you know hook up with, and
I think we are both adults, weboth want that.
So like I think we move fromthat.
You know we move as adults inthat situation.
Um, but I was, yeah, I was hornyand very desperate and I was

(49:06):
sending him thirst traps and hewas messaging me um, back.
Like I took him by surprisebecause, like it could be a bit,
not a bit like, especially whenhe's like, when he's being like
really sexual, like I'm like abitch, because sometimes he's
like a lot, so I have to likeshut that down immediately.
I was like no, no, no, no, youneed to shut that down.

(49:29):
That's too much, you're doingtoo much, you're doing the
fucking most.
So sometimes I need to likelike cut him down a couple
notches, cause he's doing thefucking most and it's like all
right, like I'm not a whatever,like you need to respect me a
little, like.
You need to respect me, noteven a little bit.
You need to fucking respect me.
So, yeah, let's not go there.
So, like, sometimes I have tolike, um, I have to like, um, I

(49:52):
have to like, you know, kick himdown a couple notches sometimes
to like, bring him back toreality, because sometimes he
gets in his like, his likefantasy, la la land of like you
know, you know, because, like,how we are sexually like, you
know, when I um just like kindof really something about me,

(50:13):
like if I'm really I wouldn't,if I'm really into a guy or my
boyfriend, whoever I'm with, I'mopen to doing I am a person, I
feel like I'm getting all overthe place.
Sorry, I realize that my lovelanguage is like acts of service

(50:33):
and like doing things andphysical like.
I'm very I didn't realize howmuch physical touch is the thing
that I really like.
Like I honestly don't even liketo be.
I don't like when people leanon me, like whatever, but like
when it's somebody that like I'minto, I'm fine with you.
You know doing all that stuff.
Fine with you, you know doingall that stuff.

(50:58):
Um, but yeah, um, I've justbeen finding out, I've been
experiencing new um, new likelove, languages that I didn't
know, but anyways, I am verymuch like I want to please my
partner.
I want to do things Cause thatbrings me like, that brings me
joy and that brings me pleasure.
That I'm giving you know thatI'm making my partner feel good.
Right, that's something that'sthat's for me, that's um,

(51:20):
something that, yeah, that'sthat turns me on.
I like that stuff, likewhatever, um and and with him,
because I'm comfortable.
I feel like also too I alsolearned this about this while
I'm getting like reallysidetracked on this freaking

(51:41):
story, I'm going to get back.
Sorry, I told you.
I told you I'm like undiagnosedhere.
Um, I noticed whenever I've hadsex with somebody.
So, whenever I've had sex withsomebody, I feel like, because
we're having sex and you knowI'm naked while we're having sex
and I'm in the most vulnerable,I'm like the most vulnerable I

(52:04):
can be right.
I feel like there's nothing.
I feel like once we cross thatline and I'm like comfortable,
and you know cause I struggle,you know, with things with my
body, like so like I don't knowI feel like once I'm comfortable
with you, I'm like open to likedoing stuff, like I'm more open

(52:30):
to doing sexual things, um, so,with him because, like, we've
we've like had sex like a coupletimes.
I was like I'm super open tolike exploring things sexually
with him.
I should say so anyways, um, Ithink his thing is like having
like having sex publicly becauseI don't know the risks of being

(52:50):
caught.
I don't, I don't fucking know,maybe that's the thing he tried
to like.
I don't know the risks of beingcaught, I don't, I don't
fucking know, maybe that's thething he tried to like, I don't
know, like reverse psychology,like did some reverse psychology
bullshit on me and was justkind of like no, you like this,
I'm like bitch, I've never askedyou to have sex with me ever
outside in public.
You have always initiated, youhave always wanted to do it.
I'm like, obviously, like I'mtrying to get my back blown out.

(53:16):
So I'm never.
I was in that moment.
I was never going to refuse.
I wasn't going to be like, ohno, I don't want to do it.
Like, yeah, I want to fuckingget my back blown out.
Yeah, I'm a horny girl, I'm not.
I'm not getting big down allthe time.
So you know, even if it's inthis type of setting, I'm gonna
get it, you know.
So, um, and I was like I alreadyknow what you can do, so it's

(53:39):
not like I'm like, oh yeah, I'mgonna get a bad lay or whatever.
It's not like he's like thebest lay, but you know it does
what it needs to do, right, umand so and so with him, like we
like whenever I talked to him,whatever, um, like when we first

(53:59):
met each other, so when we likewhen we first met each other
and like he was just kind of hewas kind of courting me in the
beginning and then, like when wehad sex and all that stuff, um,
it kind of like became justphysical, like that courting

(54:20):
kind of went away, like how itdoes whatever.
I was fine with it being likethat, because there were like
things about him that I was like, yeah, we're definitely like
relationship wise, like we'renot compatible, like I'm not
compatible with him to be likemy boyfriend, like he would
drive me fucking bananas and Icould not be able to deal with
that.
So, anyways, he, he was liketalking to me and at the time

(54:44):
when he said it, I kind ofthought it was like really nice,
like I thought it was nice thathe said that when we were
talking and he was just kind oflike you know, I, um, he was
just kind of like, yeah, like Idon't want you to think that
like I don't want to likeactually like hang out with you,
he's like I actually do enjoyyour company, I actually do like

(55:05):
talking to you.
I like I think like you'refunny and like he's like I love
that you laugh at my jokes, likeyou.
Just he's like I can just be atotal idiot and you just like
think I'm funny or whatever.
Like I, I just make you laughand he's like it's nice to just
like have that and um, and he'slike you know, I don't want you
to feel like I think of you inthat way which was like nice

(55:27):
when he said it and then he wasjust like I want us to like hang
out actually Like.
He's like so I actually want toget drinks with you and whatever
.
So he was just kind of likewhen I was sending that thirst
trap, I was wanting him to likegrab me, bring me back to his

(55:48):
place and get my back blown outand then take my ass home, you
know, and go home Not have asleepover but go home, because I
ain't trying to sleep over atthat man's house, but that was
my plan.
And then he was like no, like Iwant to do the drinks.

(56:11):
And he was so fucking adamantand I'm like, all right, I'm not
going to get dick if I don'tLike I'm not going to get it.
I have to get drinks with thisdude, like whatever.
And it was late too.
It was super fucking late andI'm like nothing is open right
now.
And he was like I know a place,which you know him, so I was

(56:42):
like open to it.
I was like, okay, whatever, um,and he like gets me, he brings
me to this bar, literally thereat last call when we walk in,
I'm telling you it was late asfuck.
And we get a drink and, um, westart, we're like in Boston,
like thearf area, if you don'tknow.
In.
It's like a kind of um, it'snear the water, it's like kind
of where a lot of boats dock.
It's like really nice.
A lot of restaurants are overthere.

(57:03):
It's really nice area.
Um, it's like seaport.
It's called seaport, it's inthe seaport area, I should say.
And, um, it's really nice.
And um, him and I were like he,like we went back after we had
the drink, we went to his carand he was just like, oh, like
let's drive like near the wharfand like if we can like walk
around and stuff and like talk.

(57:24):
And I was like okay, likethat's cool, like he's like we
can hang out, and I was like, oh, this, like night is like
actually not turning out as badas I thought it was gonna.
Like I was actually likeintrigued and open to the night
and so then like we're, we'rewalking and like we're walking
around whatever, and, um, I feellike he holds my hand, but like

(57:48):
I don't.
To be honest, I don't rememberhe could have not been holding
my hand.
I't fucking remember.
Um, but all of a sudden thismotherfucker goes hey, do you
want to?
Like you know over there?
And I was like what the fuck,mind you?
We're, we are outside in publicat this place.
Like it was late, like therewas no one around, but it was

(58:11):
like I like there were likehomeless people around and like
random people that were justwalking the streets of you know
Boston, like it was just.
I was like what the fuck isgoing on?
I was like no, and then Ithought we were going back, I
thought we were getting drinks.
Going back to his place, likethis is what I thought in my
mind was happening.
And then he was just likereally adamant about us having

(58:40):
sex outside.
And then I told you, reversepsychology, try to make me think
that I'm the one that's likereally into it, like I always
wanted.
And I'm like no, dude, I don't,I just do it because you want
to.
We actually recently spoke aboutthat and I was like, yeah, when
you try to like reversepsychology, trying to make me
like think that I'm the onethat's into this shit, when
you've always been the one toinitiate it, and he like had to

(59:02):
admit it like recently.
I was like vindicated recently,but anyways, um, so there is a
um, so, anyways, we get back inhis car and he starts driving
and so I'm like all right, weare not going back to this man's
house, we are.
I guess I'm fucking this man inpublic.

(59:22):
Um, I guess we're doing this.
This is happening, um, so I endup, uh, I end up don't like we
end up going to this pond.
There's this pond near my placeand it's like a duck pond.
I take my dog around it.
Sometimes I walk around it,sometimes just to clear my head,

(59:45):
or like I'll walk around andsmoke a joint or something like
that, and it's just, it's reallynice.
It's like a really peacefulplace and I knew no one was
going to be there or whatever.
I've taken other people therebefore.
This is not my first time onthis rodeo, if you know what I
mean, if you know what I'msaying.
So he was like we were likewalking in this area and he's

(01:00:06):
just like kind of being like alltouchy, kissing, grabbing me,
doing all that shit, like really, you know, trying to get the
ball rolling.
You know, kissing, grabbing me,doing all that shit, like
really, you know, trying to getthe ball rolling, you know.
So we end up getting near theselike steps and he's just like
yeah, no, like we have to, like.
He's like like I want you rightnow, like I was like all right,
like let's do this.
So we're literally, you know,we're making out.

(01:00:29):
I think I had a dress on.
I think I had a dress on.
No, I didn't, I had leggings on.
I had a long shirt, but I hadleggings on and uh, yeah.
So those leggings were nowaround my ankles, um and um,
we're having sex and like it'sokay this time.

(01:00:51):
I don't know, it was likesomething about that.
Last time I was just like, eh, Iwas like all right, whatever,
like then it started feelinggood and then y'all, I turn
around just to kind of, you know, get a little peek of like what
he's looking like.
You know, do that little likelook over your shoulder thing.
And I just happened to justjust the position that I was in,

(01:01:13):
like um, cause, like my handswere on the steps and cause we
were like near these steps orwhatever, and my hands were on
the steps, whatever.
And I just like happened toglance.
Um, I just had happened toglance over and he had like
these white air forces on and Ijust looked over and I see his

(01:01:36):
like foot in a sock, lifted outof these air forces, Like this
man is on his tippy toes and Iwas like, oh my God.
Immediately I got the ick.
I was like, oh my God, I needhim to stop.
I need him to stop.
Like why are you in your what'shappening right now?

(01:01:58):
And it's like he's taller thanme.
I'm not like it was weird.
It was so weird.
I was very confused.
When I've told other peoplethis story.
They were like, like, we'relike how was the the area that
you were in?
Maybe that's why he was.
I was like no, there was likeno reason for this.
Like I was understanding whatwas happening and I'm like why

(01:02:19):
is he on his hippie toes?
Like, why is he bugging me thisway?
What is happening?
What's going on?
Hello, like what's happeningright now.
And so like I was like this manjust needs to hurry up, finish
and then let me put my leggingsback on and like go home,
because like, yeah, I'm, I'mdone with this, like I need to

(01:02:41):
go home now.
So he was just kind of like Idon't know, I think he got the
like he finished.
It did.
It was not a long, um sexsession.
I did not get my back blown outlike I wanted to.
It was yeah, it was a mess.
Start to finish was a mess, um,and like, yeah, he drove me

(01:03:06):
home.
I got out of my house and, um,I was like, well, he didn't get
me off, so I'm gonna get myselfoff.
So that was like how my night,that's how my night, ended.
So it was just kind of like itwas a lot, it was so much.
I was just like this is toomuch for me, um, but yeah, I was

(01:03:26):
just like, all right.
So anytime I refer to him is Irefer to him as tippy toes and
it's like my name for him.
So I'm never going to call himLeVon again.
This man is going to always andforever be called Tippy Toes.
So now, yeah, so Tippy Toes ishis name.

(01:03:48):
And that was my last sexexperience.
Isn't that fucking sad?
How fucking sad is that?
That was the last time I hadsex was with this man that was
fucking me on his tippy toeswhen it was not necessary and
gave me the biggest egg, but Istill talked to his ass Because

(01:04:09):
you know, I know if I ever getin those type of moods like
again, he would Every so often Iget a fucking text from him
Like he texted me the other dayand he was fucking out with his
friends and he was drunk andshit and like.

(01:04:33):
And he like texted me and he wasjust like, he's like, you're on
my mind.
I can't stop thinking.
I'm like, oh my God, like,please stop, sir, please stop.
And then he was like what?
Like?
He's like I should feel goodthat he thinks about me when
he's drunk and I'm like, sir, no, is that supposed to?
Is that a flex?
Am I supposed to feel greatabout that?
No, and it's like.

(01:04:53):
This is why we only just havesex, we don't do anything else.
And, yeah, am I dimming myselfdown to fuck this man that
probably doesn't deserve to fuckme?
Yeah, sure, but is this theoption that is giving me what it
needs to give me right now?

(01:05:14):
Yeah, it is.
Sometimes you just need to getfucked and regardless if it's
from a good person or a toxicperson, you know, sometimes it
just happens.
I'm fucking human Girl.
I was fucking horny, it justhappened.
I just needed a fix.
It's like I'm a fuckingcrackhead.

(01:05:36):
I needed a fix.
Um, so, yeah, uh, that's, thatwas my last like sex experience.
Uh, it was a lot, um, but uh, Idon't know, I've I've been like
I don't know I've I've beenlike it's so hard, honestly,
like with that, with him,there's.

(01:06:10):
No, I'm not, like I would neverbe embarrassed in front of him.
I would never feel like, oh, Ishouldn't say that because he's
going to look at me differently.
Like because I don't genuinelygive a fuck about, like what he
thinks.
Like in that sense, like aboutme Like if I sway him or
whatever, like I don't reallycare in that sense.
That's why, like the way Ithink about him, I'm like I
don't really care, like what youkind of think about me, like I

(01:06:31):
don't really give a shit whatyour opinion is like about me in
that sense.
Um, so like, like with him Idon't feel that sense of
rejection because like he'snever rejected me so I've never
felt that to him.
It's kind of like I reject himsometimes because like he does

(01:07:00):
the most.
Um, but like I think about thatand then I think about when I'm
at a bar and how chicken shit Iam.
Like I talk a big fucking game,like if I am not attracted to
you, I want to have nothing todo with you whatsoever.
I will flirt like so fuckinghard, like I just I can care
less, I have not a care in theworld, I don't care.
Like it's like I don't care toimpress you.

(01:07:22):
So it's just like there's notthat pressure there and then
there's no fear of rejection.
Like the fear of rejection isso fucking strong.
I feel like it's so, like Idon't know it's paralyzing a
little bit, especially for me.
I feel like I'm so paralyzed tothat moment of like I don't

(01:07:43):
want to be rejected by this man.
Like, or, for me personally, Icould say, um, you know, as a
black woman, um, you know a lotof bars in Boston, like you know
a lot of bars that I go to,whatever, like if I go in there
it's probably me and like maybeone or two other black people in

(01:08:04):
there, and like it'spredominantly white.
So, um, so like even I don'tknow, I feel like even growing
up and stuff like that, like Ihave dated outside.
You know, I've dated outside myrace.
I, you know, at one pointthat's kind of all I dated was
outside my race.
And you know it's like I don'tknow, I feel I feel a lot of

(01:08:30):
things like dating outside myrace, especially in this climate
.
I feel like I feel a lot ofthings like dating outside my,
especially in this climate.
I feel like I've always feltthese things in the past, but,
like in this climate, likethere's there's other people
that have felt the same way thatI felt and I felt more
validated in the feelings aboutdating um, interracially, um, um

(01:08:51):
, interracially, um, like it'slike the fear of rejection, like
I may be attracted to you butyou may not necessarily be
attracted to me, and it's just alot of guys that I've dated or
been with in the past.
You know, for me, as you know,as a black woman and like a

(01:09:14):
brown, you know like I'm, youknow I'm brown skin, not like
the.
You know, within my world, likeit's just like, like you know,
light-skinned women are deemedvery beautiful and all that
stuff.
So it's like really hard forand, like you know, like a lot
of guys like are reallyattracted to that.
That I know and you know a lotof like dark-skinned brown girls

(01:09:37):
are not getting the same looks.
So it's like from my experience,from like just my experience
and just things that I've, youknow whatever, but I've had very
attractive white men just andhave like that I've had sex with
, that I've been with whateverand you know that have literally

(01:10:01):
been with me, like fetishizedme, like you know, it's always
that.
It's always that question of ifI'm talking to you or if you're
, are you gonna be, are youactually if I talk to you and
are you going to be interestedin me?
Is it?
You know, am I going to befetishized?
Like it's just, it's tough,it's really, it's really hard,

(01:10:23):
um, just from my experience andum, it's just really tough.
So it's just really like hardfor me to even approach men that
I think that I feel areattracted to me.
Like, I feel like kind of mytype is like the men that I'm
really attracted to, I feel likeare not typically attracted to

(01:10:47):
women that look like me.
I don't know, it's a lot.
I deal with a lot of stuffinternally and that's like
something that you know I'vedealt with in my life from past,
like dating experiences andthings that have been said to me
and, yeah, just from pastexperiences.
It's just it's a lot.

(01:11:07):
Um, so, you know I'm, it's justit's such a big fear I just
don't know what I'm getting solike, or like if I'm looking at
you, what if you're just like,oh, like I don't know, like I
find it's like I find you superattractive, like I don't know if
you find me attractive?
What if I go to you and I saysomething and you're like no, no

(01:11:30):
, I'm good, that would like no,I'm good, that would like fuck,
I would want to like die rightthen and there, that is just
it's so, and it's so likeparalyzing, like there was, um,
I was out at like a bar and Iwas like staring at this man.
He was so attractive and I wasjust staring at him and I'm like

(01:11:51):
, oh my God, and my friend wasjust like go talk to him, like
go at him.
And I'm like, oh my god, and myfriend was just like go talk to
him, like go say something.
I'm like hell, no, I can't.
No, I would rather just standhere, like my terms of flirting
with somebody that I'm veryattracted to is just me staring
at you and like maybe give you asmile and then quickly stare

(01:12:13):
away because I'm nervous and Idon't know what to do with my
hands and I'm panicking and I'mlike, oh my God.
So, yeah, it's um, yeah, it's alot, it's a lot, so I'm just
doing it's a lot.
So, like the fear like datingis just has been a lot for me.
Honestly, I just I can't, I'mtrying to wrap my mind around it

(01:12:37):
and how hard it is and just thefear of rejection and how
fucking tough it is.
It's mingling at a bar and Ithink ever since, I feel like
since COVID, I feel like peoplejust don't know how to really
interact with each other.
Everybody's just so sociallyawkward sometimes and I realized
I can be super socially awkward.
I thought I was this.
I feel like I can be reallyextroverted.

(01:13:00):
It can be super bubbly, it canbe super like friendly.
It could just be super like hey, yeah, yeah, look, let's do it
type of person.
Um, social butterfly, I can bethat type of person.
But then there's other timeswhere I'm just like, oh my god,
no, like like my comp, if I'mlike I feel like I have to feel
confident, like, and if I don'tfeel confident or I don't feel

(01:13:21):
confident going into it, I'mjust like.
I'm just such a little bitchlike I can't do it, like talking
to an attractive man at a bar,like I can't do it.
I even went to like I askedlike two guys that like I like
was I had date.
Well, I asked freaking tippytoes and I asked um this other

(01:13:43):
guy, um that I like recently hadum, like I was like into
whatever and um, like notrecently, I would say like a
while ago, over a year ago, um,and I was like asking him and
not recently, I would say awhile ago, over a year ago and I
was asking him because myfriend Akilah was saying oh, why
don't you ask a guy that youactually were interested in?
Is it more enticing for a girlto?

(01:14:07):
Are you more wanting a woman toapproach you?
Is that what you're waiting for?
Is it really intimidating or amI really intimidating or is
like?
Am I like really intimidating?
Because I feel like sometimes Iam like I do give big, resting,
bitch face.
I'm like I'm, I'm very like.
Some people are veryintimidated by me.
I'm very strong, um, and I feellike I have to be.

(01:14:30):
I would love for me to likeexperience my soft girl era.
I would love to just kind oflet my walls down and let
somebody like take care of meand not be that type of person
like I.
I would love that like that'ssomething like I look forward to
in like the person that I endup dating, potentially like
marrying, like yeah, like, ifI'm going into something and I'm

(01:14:55):
like I actively want to datesomebody like I.
You know I am 35.
I would like to date.
I want to have kids.
I want to, you know, start thatjourney.
I want to like do that.
I want to have my like happilyever after.
I want that shit.
You know, like I want that andI want to be with somebody that
actually, like you know, can letme be soft, can let me let my

(01:15:18):
walls down, let me not be likethis strong bitch, like you know
, kind of like carry me and leadme through stuff.
I need that Like, I want that.
That's what I want somebody tobring to the table for me.
You know that's what I'm.
I manifest that we all getsomebody that like treats us how
we deserve and need to betreated, like the Kings and

(01:15:41):
Queens that we are like for real, honestly, like I want that for
all of us.
It's tough.
I'm really trying to reallytrying to make a promise to
myself to try and get myselfmore out there, like approach
men, maybe talk to somebody.
I don't know if I just likeneed liquid courage Y'all, I

(01:16:01):
don't fucking know.
I need something.
I need something I want.
I'm trying to like push myselfby next episode that I release
that I have approached a man ata bar, actively talked to him
was not a little bitch about it,flirted, maybe, get his number,
maybe.
Whatever, I am determined to dothat.

(01:16:24):
I'm giving my.
It is August 14th when I'mrecording this.
I'm giving myself a month toapproach a man at a bar and talk
to him and just, yeah, just dothat shit, you know.
Um.
But yeah, y'all heard it herefirst.
You heard it Y'all the first,um.

(01:16:47):
But yeah, that's kind of reallywhat's been going on with me and
kind of really what I wanted totalk to you guys, cause I feel
like it's just like, even whenI've been talking to my friends,
like the fear of rejection isjust so deep and it's just like
I just been feeling it lately,just kind of with um, even
though, like that guy I don'tknow what it was I just felt
like him, like him likeunfollowing me, like just left

(01:17:13):
such a I don't know.
I was like damn, I was like wow, but I don't know if it was to
my petty thing, I have no idea.
It could have been like that.
It could have been like oh,like she's being petty I don't
want to deal with I don't knowwhatever.
I just felt some type of wayabout it.
It was a lot for me.
But yeah, um, but on, likeanother weird um thing that's

(01:17:37):
happening with me right now.
Um, I like I was saying I'msuper, like, I'm a pop culture
girly.
I love reality TV.
It fuels my no-transcript likelives and all that stuff.

(01:17:59):
And I love dating shows becausethey're so, sometimes they're
so chaotic, sometimes they'rereally nice.
I'm such a lover girl so I,like, I do love, like watching
people, like you know, catchfeelings, fall in love, do all
that good stuff.
I love, love, love.

(01:18:22):
Um.
So Love Island, usa, seasonseven um, I've been obsessed so
I have been like a Love Islandgirl.
I'm I'm very new to the LoveIsland world.
Um, I really want to watch thiscurrent season of UK.
I heard it's really really goodand they have like an American
that won Um spoiler, sorry, Ishould have said that before,
and spoiler for USA if youhaven't watched K.
I heard it's really really goodand they have like an American
that won um spoiler, sorry, Ishould have said that before,
and spoiler for USA if youhaven't watched, which they're
fucking everywhere anyways.
But, um, uh, amaya Papaya andBrian won who's actually from

(01:18:48):
Everett, massachusetts, which,um shout out to Brian
representing Massachusetts as awinner.
Um, and amaya papaya, who's thefirst afro latina to win.
They were the first actuallatin couple to win um love
island, which is crazy.
And then, um, yeah, but I'vebeen watching it.

(01:19:09):
I've been watching usa sinceseason five because I really
wanted to get into it, becauseeverybody kept talking about
Love Island and I just sohappened to watch it and I was
like, oh my god, this is so good.
And then season six was fuckingamazing.
And so then I was like watchingseason seven and two people
stuck out to me in season sevenand it was Nick and Al alandria

(01:19:33):
and from day one I was like, ohmy god, I want them to be
together.
I love them like, I thinkthey're amazing.
I they just make such a and Icould feel the chemistry.
Like their first kiss, like itwas crazy.
She kissed him the first nightin the villa, um, when they
initially met.
And then the second night hekissed her, but blindfolded.

(01:19:54):
She never knew until like thelast week in the villa, like he
admitted that it was him.
Anyways, they go to thisfucking roller coaster of a
thing, um, and they realize thatthey're supposed to be together
.
Like it took them fuckingforever.
Um, I've been a nickel andrean,stan since day one.
Um, shout out to them, um, butyeah, like it was.

(01:20:17):
Honestly, it's really crazybecause alandria on that show
she's a beautiful, stunning,like she's so fucking stunning.
I'm like I feel like like my,like I was like, oh my god, my

(01:20:38):
biceps are tingling.
She's so fucking beautiful, sofucking beautiful, um, and she's
stunning and like Nick isreally cute.
But next to Alandra, he, thatman, is fine as hell.
Next to that woman, like he isvery good looking, like he's a
very attractive man, he's veryhandsome um, but next to that
woman, like he is very goodlooking, like he's a very

(01:20:59):
attractive man, he's veryhandsome Um, but next to her he
is.
Yes, anyways, um, I just reallylike her.
She's so genuine and like she'san older daughter of six um,
and she just carries herself sostrong and she always puts
people's um feelings ahead ofher own.
And I just related to her somuch and, um, she had recently

(01:21:21):
had an interview.
So, anyways, like kind of likepushing that situation.
If you don't know about them, um, they were on the island, they
were with other people.
Um, they both got voted off theisland to go home.
Um, production did their thingbecause America was like we want
them to be together, and theywere with other people and they

(01:21:42):
weren't seeing that they likedeach other and the other liked
each other, whatever theyweren't seeing what we were all
seeing on on our televisionscreens.
They ended up, um, theproducers ended up like bringing
them back together and thengiving them a chance to recouple
.
In that moment, um, this iswhat, this is what, like the

(01:22:05):
soul ties kiss, which is by farone of the hottest kisses I've
ever witnessed.
I was like, oh my god, I wasscreaming in my house, jumping
up and down.
I was so freaking excited forthem and then that was like
episode 21.
Yes, I've watched this so much.
I've never had and I realizedthis this is my first parasocial

(01:22:29):
relationship that I've neverexperienced before.
It's so genuine to see twopeople relationship that I've
I've never experienced thisbefore.
It's so genuine to see twopeople and they were friends,
like they were each other'srocks throughout this um, love
Island experience.
They're there for like sixweeks and um, with no like
connections to the outside world, and like they were each

(01:22:49):
other's rocks.
They were like they both likedeach other, didn't realize the
other one liked each other, likehe, like yearned for her, like
studied her, made sure that herealized, like, oh, this is what
, this is the guy that she'slooking for, and he, like you
know, was like I need a matureand I need to step up to be this
man that she wants.
And step up, this man fuckingdid Jesus Christ, this man

(01:23:18):
fucking dead, jesus christ.
This man stepped up, um, like,after that soul ties kiss, they
pissed me off the next fuckingepisode and we're like, oh, we
didn't, I didn't feel a fuckingconnection.
It was lies, like y'all need towatch that shit, watch the soul
ties kiss.
I will link it in thedescription so you guys can see
what the fuck I'm talking about.
Holy shit, was this kissfucking hot?
I was like, oh, oh, my god, um,they have, like they have, two
kisses that I absolutely love.

(01:23:39):
It's the soul ties kiss and thecongratulations kiss.
And the congratulations kiss islater on in the season when
they actually his love interestat the, his connection.
I guess at the time her name'sSierra, which we call her 404.
C error, get it 404.
Anyways, it's a part of acommunity.

(01:23:59):
I'm in a like Nicolandria, um,twitter community, Don't judge
me.
Like I said first, pair ofsocials.
It's a lot, a lot's happening,anyways, um, but I absolutely
like, love the both of them.
So the congratulations I willfucking link, I'm gonna link
both of them.
Y'all, I want you to experiencewhat I experienced and then, um,

(01:24:23):
y'all can just experience it.
Y'all maybe like think I'mcrazy, but anyways, whatever, it
was just really nice to seethis strong, mostly intimidating
.
I just resonated with her somuch with her story and just

(01:24:46):
like you know, being a blackwoman, you know trying to date
outside my race and just thethings that I've had to
encounter with people outside myrace and just the um, yeah, the
fetishization, like fetish.
I don't even know if I'm sayingthis word right, but like it's
just like.
You don't know if they justlike, yeah, I just wanna.

(01:25:07):
You know I've had men like that.
I've had white men just want tohave sex with me because
they've never had sex with ablack girl before and they
wanted to, and which has been ashitty ass fucking feeling, very
shitty feeling.
If you've ever been fetishizedby somebody and just kind of,
because I'm a black, I mean likeI can't help it.

(01:25:27):
Like it was just it's veryshitty for somebody to say that
to you.
It's like, no, I don't, I don'treally wanna like have sex with
you because I'm attracted toyou.
I'm like I want to like be likeI want to be intimate with you
because I like, like you,whatever.
It's like no, because I likesexualize you, I, oh, I just
want it because you're just ablack girl that I can say to my
friends that I fucked.

(01:25:48):
You know what I mean?
It's just, it's really shitty.
So it's like things like that.
She's a girl from the South andshe was like saying, when she
was saying to her she was likeguys that look like him wouldn't
want to, don't really look atgirls like me.
They're really traditional.
They don't really look at girlsthat look like me or, if they
are, they're like fetishizing meor something.
And when she said that it likeI don't know, it struck a

(01:26:15):
fucking chord in me.
I don't know, I just relate toher story so fucking much and
just how she carries herself andhow she is and I feel like I
have to be like that.
And now like fast-forwardingthrough their story and when
they actually like because theylike his girl, girl like got
booted off because she made someracist ass remarks and they

(01:26:37):
booted her off because they werelike yeah, hell, no, they ended
up finding themselves back toeach other, ended up recoupling
being a thing, actually givingit a shot and now they're like
the biggest thing right now andI love them.
They were recently on Watchwhat Happens Live on Bravo and
it was like the after show.
Like y'all, I have never I amdownloading apps to keep up with

(01:27:01):
this fucking couple.
That's how much I fucking lovethis couple.
Y'all.
They are on Snapchat.
They're on fucking TikTok.
I'm like I'm always online,like I'm always on TikTok.
Tiktok is like my fuckingguilty pleasure.
I can be on that shit for likefucking five fucking hours.
Um, they got me on TikTok bitchTwitch.
I'm like I don't.
I've never used Twitch before,but like they have it.

(01:27:23):
Have they done anything onTwitch?
Nope, but anyways, yeah, I'vebeen like Instagram, twitter X,
whatever the fuck it's called.
Now, like I am on the appsYouTube.
I am on the apps like because Iwant to keep up with them.
I just like I love their loveand it was just so nice to like
actually see people like becomefriends to lovers.

(01:27:46):
Like I feel like it's kind oflike I'm watching a real romance
novel play out in real life.
It's just it's so intriguingand really nice and really like
great to watch and, like I saidto you, I really like I love
love, I love love.
So it's really nice to just seethis black woman just be loved

(01:28:08):
the way that she should like shedeserves to be loved and I hope
you hope someday I findsomebody, that I find myself a
Nick Vance and that gives me thesame type of love that he gives
Alondria.
I hope I get that.
It's just so nice to watch.
There was a scene that somebodyhad asked Alondria a question

(01:28:33):
and y'all.
I've seen this clip play out ahundred times and I've cried
every single time because it'sjust such a crazy scene that I
watch and it's so beautiful towatch.

(01:28:55):
You know, as a black woman, youknow we always have to be strong
, like we're always like lookedat.
As you know, we have to bestrong, we have to be poised, we
have to handle ourselves acertain way or we're going to be
deemed as like being an angryblack woman and I you know
that's such a battle.
I have to be.
It's like I want to stand onbusiness, but like if I stand on
business, I'm I look aggressive, people think I'm an angry
person, people are scared of me.
It's really hard.
I can't express myself withoutpeople being like, oh, I'm

(01:29:17):
scared of her or whatever thecase may be, if I, like, am
standing on business, likepeople are intimidated by that,
and so it's really tough, um, inthat sense.
But, um, she had asked her thatand she said you know how do you
go about like moving forward,like trying to live in your you
know, your soft girl era, likeyou know that you've said that

(01:29:40):
you've, you know you're tryingaiming to be.
And she just kind of looked andshe was saying, you know, there
was one moment that she was inthe villa where, you know, she
saw it as a weakness, which Idon't even see it as a weakness.
I feel like she was being humanin that moment, because it was
this man was playing her, notNick, but this other guy that
she was coupled up with, thatThankfully they are not together

(01:30:02):
and he's with somebody that hewas meant to be with, and
obviously she's with andAlandra's with Nick.
But she was just kind oftalking about him and she just
said, you know, he's really,he's really, he's really, he's a
very intentional man, like he'svery intentional with his words
and things that he does.
And I remember, like when theyfirst got out of the villa, they
were on a live and she wassaying how she really wanted a

(01:30:25):
model and he was like she's like, she's smart, she's beautiful,
this is going to happen for her,she's going to get the contract
, she's going to get these deals, like he was speaking it into
existence.
Now, fast forward, she'ssitting in this interview and
she goes.
You know he's very intentionaland you know he like, she's like
I'm such a control freak andwith him I just kind of let him

(01:30:46):
take control and at this moment,like Nick sits back, like Nick
is just like watching her asshe's talking about like him and
she's like giving him hisflowers and it was really nice
to see.
And she was saying how you know,she said she's never been to
Europe.
She's always been to Europe.
He brought her to Europe, hebrought her to Greece, um, and
he had a deal with Kalani Kani.

(01:31:07):
It's like Kalani Keeney's.
I said Kalani Kani, kalaniKeeney, it's like Kalani
Keeney's.
I said Kalani Keeney, kalaniKeeney's.
And they have like they workedwith him before and they had a
deal with him.
If he won, they would give himhis own line.
And they came in second um onLove Island and but they like
gave him a deal anyways and sothey did align with him and he

(01:31:30):
brought her as his you know hislove, you know his love interest
and it's like, and he knew shewanted a model and he knew like
he had the means and the sourcesto get her that, to get her on,
and he got her on that deal Noton the deal, but he got her
like exposed to that.

(01:31:51):
So she was on that photo shootand those pictures were chef's
kiss.
They looked amazing in them andher body is like fucking
phenomenal, like waist wear.
I don't even know where herwaist is and his waist is too.
They both are like really likeamazingly good-looking people,
um, and especially together.
But Alondra is like oh my God,that lady is like she's

(01:32:11):
beautiful.
But she did that and then theyjust did Aqua De Four.
It's like kind of like it'slike a flavored drink.
It's like a flavored sparklingwater, whatever.
Love me some sparkling drinkand I definitely need to go to

(01:32:34):
Trader Joe's and go grab it.
You know support, um, and she'slike.
You know he.
I told him I wanted to gomodeling and then he had these
deals with these two brands andbrought me on and exposed me to
that and brought me and put meforth.
You know, he, just like she'slike I've never had somebody.
Just like, give me so much loveand just embrace me and, just
like you, just take care of meand just let me be soft and just

(01:32:57):
let me.
You know, just like, let metake the reins and just be
submissive and just like youknow, I don't have to worry
because he got it and he got meand y'all I.
Her words were just so powerful, I'll link it to Her words were
just so powerful.
And then it pans to him and likethe camera gets close to his
face and y'all he starts cryingand y'all I started bawling my

(01:33:19):
fucking eyes out.
I'm like, oh, my god, theirlove is so amazing.
Um, but yeah, it's just, it'sso nice, I don't know, I like I
love their love.
It's so really, it's so cool.
And it's just really cool tosee there were so many other
couples that I love, like Shellyand Ace.
Taylor was like three dreadsthat's what we call them in our

(01:33:43):
Nicolandrian community, don'tjudge.
Like I said, him and his girl,like I like them together Amaya
and Brian, iris and Pepe.
Like I just love all thesecouples.
It's just really nice to seelike a lot of them were friends
to lovers type of situation wasreally cool to watch, um, but

(01:34:05):
yeah, that's like kind of mylittle tea, hopefully any of
this listening as a Nicolandrianbecause you know, nicoland,
nicolandrians stand togethercome here, cream, you'll know
what I'm talking about if youknow.
You know, but yeah, it was justreally nice to watch it and I
feel like she kind of inspiredme to be like, yeah, no, I just
really need to put myself outthere and, like you know, and

(01:34:29):
when she was in the villa shemade a selfish decision because,
like, the person that Nick wascoupled up with was her friend
and she kind of put her feelingsaside from Nick to kind of like
you know, she didn't want tostep in and like hurt her friend
, but she ended up being selfish, picking Nick and that was
probably the best decision.

(01:34:49):
And you know, they're reallylike, they're in it and it's
really nice to see, to see likethem be in love and all that
stuff.
But you know, I love it, I lovetheir love and I'm like I just
hope I need it, like I want this, like this type of love that I
want, um, one day and I hope foreverybody else that you find
your nick and you find yourolandria, or you find like your

(01:35:12):
person that, just like you know,can just make you be soft and
can make you just Like you know,person that can make you a
better woman, make you a betterman, make you a better person,
just like, just somebody thatCan do that for you.
You know, I wish that for allof us because we all deserve it.
We all deserved for someone tojust treat us Like amazingly and

(01:35:34):
just be loved downunconditionally.
So I always, like I really wishthat for us.
Um, and yeah, for me, I need toget my ass out of like.
I need to get my head out of myass and just like be more
confident in myself and just goup to a man and just talk to him
attractive man, and just stopthinking like, oh man, he's

(01:35:57):
gonna reject me, like thefeeling, like I said, it's so
debilitating, like it's soparalyzing and I just need to
really get out of my head.
I'm so fucking in my head, it'sso crazy.
Um, yeah, I'm looking at the.
I'm looking at the time of likehow long I'm fucking talking
and I'm like, jesus Christ, thisis like such a long episode.

(01:36:17):
It's a welcome back episode, sowe'll kind of give it in.
Um, we'll kind of give it inthat sense.
Maybe I'll make this into liketwo parts or something.
Um, yeah, maybe I'll make thisinto two parts.
We'll see.
Uh, maybe I'll make this likepop culture moment, maybe into
two parts, we'll see.
Uh, maybe I'll make this likepop culture moment, maybe into

(01:36:37):
two parts, I don't know.
We'll see how like long thisepisode actually is when I edit
it.
Maybe short, I don't know.
But yeah, I'm gonna end it on agood note.
I wanted to end that shit on apositive note because I feel
like, uh, love is just soamazing to watch.
But, oh man, you guys have madeit this far.

(01:37:01):
I thank you.
I feel like I've just beengoing on and on and on.
I miss you guys.
I feel like I miss talking toyou guys, so I feel like I can't
shut the fuck up now.
I'm like I need to end thisepisode.
It's too long Before everybodyloses interest to end this
episode.
It's too long I before Ieverybody loses interest, um,
but I wanted to thank you guysfor letting me be honest,

(01:37:22):
letting me be messy, tell youabout my pettiness, um being
vulnerable, because that's likewhat this podcast is about.
That's what Shirdan is allabout, like the real unfiltered
moments that like shape us.
You know these unfilteredmoments that have shaped me, you
know?
Um, yeah, I just kind of wantedyou know, I'm always open and

(01:37:46):
vulnerable with you guys and Ikind of wanted to like share
like where I was at, why I wasmissing, why I was MIA, and I
feel like it was so annoyingbecause even I was getting
annoyed with myself.
I would listen to theseepisodes and be like I'm going
to come back and then I would begoing missing.
And then dealing with theimposter syndrome of being like
I don't even know if people areactually listening to what I'm
saying and one of my friends whoactually was a guest on the

(01:38:11):
show friends who actually was aguest on the show, um, jess,
when she was on a show, likevery, very much in the beginning
, um, she told me that likesomebody was talking to her
about my podcast.
Um, they had found me onSpotify and they like knew what
my podcast was.
And that was such a weirdsurreal feeling when she told me

(01:38:32):
that, because I was like, yeah,yeah, not a lot of.
I don't know.
Like I said, imposter syndrome.
I don't feel like people likeactually want to hear what I
have to say.
But then it's weird.
When I see the download numbers, I'm very confused.
I'm like, wow, like people areactually listening to me.
Like it's weird, it's very,it's a very weird feeling

(01:39:04):
because, you know, sometimesyou're just like I don't know if
people want to listen to whatI'm saying.
Um, but if today's episode, anypart of it, like hit home for
you or you've been through yourown like season of rejection or
self doubt, um, I like want toreconnect with you guys.
I want to hear your stories, dmme, email me, scream it into
the void.
I want you guys to know thatI'm here for you.
We're going through thistogether.
Um, you know, like I, we're onthis journey together.

(01:39:25):
We're on this road together.
We've been here before.
This has been a journey we'regoing to continue.
We, you guys, have rode with meand I'm so thankful for you
guys.
I'm going to try and get atleast a couple episodes out a
month.
Feed you guys.
I'm going to be more sociallyactive on my Instagram and all

(01:39:46):
the social medias so I canreconnect with you guys.
So, yes, I'm back, we're in it.
Make sure to follow, subscribe,share with somebody who needs
to hear that a comeback isalways possible, even if it
starts from rock bottom, which Ikind of felt that I was in.
Um, but until next time, guys,let's stay stoff, stay strong

(01:40:12):
and don't let rejection make youforget who the fuck you are.
Okay, I love you, guys andwe're back.
Bye.

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