June 13, 2024 • 50 mins
Imagine waking up to a regular morning only to be confronted with a life-altering tragedy. Join us as we sit down with Ashley Stoker, a TikTok advocate and survivor, to hear her deeply personal account of losing her parents in a horrific accident caused by an impaired driver. Ashley opens up about the dreadful day her brother hydroplaned, setting off a chain reaction that led to her parents' untimely deaths. Her mother's love for photography, surprisingly, became a beacon of hope, providing vital evidence in the ensuing court case. This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the devastating impact of drunk driving and the unexpected ways we find strength and solace.
You'll be gripped by Ashley's recounting of a morning filled with unshakeable worry and rising dread. She shares the chilling moments of discovering something was wrong when her typically responsive parents were unreachable. The dread escalates as her calls and texts go unanswered, and a sense of foreboding takes hold. As the hours tick by, the reality of the unfolding disaster becomes painfully clear. Through Ashley's narrative, we explore themes of unimaginable loss, the importance of road safety, and the resilience of the human spirit in the face of overwhelming grief. Don't miss this heart-rending yet inspiring episode.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
In every dark tunnel there's a glimmer of hope.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
In every painful moment there's a strength to
heal anyway.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Hi everybody, welcome to Surviving Podcast.
As many of you all know, myfamily was a victim of a drunk
driving accident.
That laws ended up being passedin our name.
I have shared that story onhere and I have made a friend
named Ashley Stoker.
You may know her on TikTok.
She is definitely an advocatedoing the work.
Let's start with theintroduction Ashley, how are you
(00:53):
?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I'm good, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I'm so glad that you're here.
It's hard to say because theconversations that we're having,
but life happens and there'straumas, but when it brings
people together like this.
So tell us a moment, if youdon't mind, and introduce
yourself.
Tell us who you are.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
So my name is Ashley and I grew up and lived in
Washington my whole life,growing up and living in
Washington.
There's tons of beautifulscenery and I grew up with both
my mom and dad and an olderbrother, and my brother was out
on a Saturday morning and he wasgoing to meet up at one of the
(01:33):
waterfalls with his car and he'sa part of a car group and he
was driving north, northboundWashington and he had actually
hydroplaned in some of oursometimes in Washington it's
rainy and he hydroplaned firstand went into the guardrail and
then from the guardrail into theditch and so he was driving
(01:57):
alone that day, made itperfectly fine out of the ditch
and some good Samaritans thattraveled on the freeway just
behind him called 911 and theycalled a tow truck for him.
He walked away perfectly fine,but the car was totaled and so
they called a tow truck for himto get the car out of the ditch.
And then he called my dad andwho was just about 45, 50
(02:21):
minutes away, and my dad thentold my mom, hey, got to go pick
up our son.
I personally was over atEastern Washington University,
attending college at this pointin time, so I had absolutely no
idea.
At this time I was stillsleeping.
They had gone.
Both my mom and dad went to gopick up my brother from the side
(02:44):
of the freeway and it was atthat time when the trooper had
left the scene.
Later on we had found out thatit was so close to my parents
leaving the side of the roadthat my dad's foot was on the
brake pedal and it had releasedat the time of impact and,
(03:05):
unfortunately, an impaireddriver had crossed multiple
lanes as my parents were goingto be leaving the side of the
freeway, rear-ended them, pushedthe car forward into,
unfortunately, the tow truckdriver, arthur Anderson, was in
between my parents' vehicle andhis tow truck and unfortunately,
(03:25):
both my mom and dad and ArthurAnderson were pronounced dead on
scene and my brother was foundconscious, but underneath my
mom's front seat.
So, like any of us, he woke upand was going to go for a nice
drive and go see some sceneryand have some good Saturday with
some friends.
But that unfortunately was notthe case and just a lot of us
(03:48):
tend to think if you need to gopick somebody up, my parents
were just going to go pick themup, be right back, everything
would be good, and that,unfortunately, was not the case
either.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
So your parents made it to your brother's scene,
scene of accident and then towtruck was there.
The tow truck guy was stillworking with the cars.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Yeah.
So my brother's car was alreadyup on top of the tow truck and
Arthur Anderson was securing thelast little bit and he was
going to go around to climb backup into his cab to take off my
parents.
My dad was the driver and itshowed that his foot came off
the brake pedal to start going.
So they were literally justabout to leave the side of the
(04:33):
freeway and something I don'tknow if interesting is the right
word to use, but people whoknew my mom, especially my mom
she was in the front passenger.
She took hundreds of thousandsof photos a year, hundreds of
videos every single year.
Like she was an addict toscrapbooking and so I had photos
(04:55):
.
Later on, when I recoveredtheir cell phones and stuff and
personal belongings from thevehicle, I found her phone and I
went through it from thevehicle.
I found her phone and I wentthrough it and a lot of the
photos that she actually took ofmy brother's accident and some
of the photos she had on therewere time stamped from minutes
before the car's computer chipshowed impact.
(05:17):
It showed a lot of pictures andvideos from the scene that were
later used in court to showthat there was a wide 12 foot
shoulder.
They were clearly off the sideof the road.
It showed that they were, thatthe tow truck had his lights
going and it was a whole disputebetween defense of his lights
(05:38):
weren't on or they werepartially in the road.
And my mom took thousands ofphotos and fortunately but
unfortunately, they were used inour actual court case.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I think the universe does work in those ways and
you're right.
Like there's never a good wordto put to something like that.
You say interesting or thingslike that.
But part of me wonders ifsometimes we just know, and our
instinct or God or whatever itis you believe in, how do you do
these things that's going tohelp bring the people left
(06:10):
behind some peace or help getthe situation resolved in some
kind of way.
So your brother survived, andwas he a teenager?
Speaker 2 (06:19):
No, he was 25 at the time and I was 22 at the time.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
And I don't know how I never caught on to this,
because I watch your TikToks,but I just always assumed maybe
it's where I vision my storywith it that I pictured you as a
child.
I didn't realize you were offto college in your adult life.
I don't know how I never caughton to that.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah, I think when a lot of people view my TikToks as
well, looking young, soundingyoung, probably portraying not
that I try to portray myself asyoung, but I've just turned 25.
And I think a lot of peopleview me as 14 to 16, or that
maybe this happened a long timeago.
But I also do think it's inpart of how I talk about our
(07:04):
family structure.
I think it's in part due to howclose of a family we were that
some people may connect closertowards.
If I say that I'm talking withmy mom or my dad every day,
that's something that maybe ayounger person would do because
they're at home more often.
But that's just goes to showhow close of a family we
actually were.
(07:24):
And my mom was my absolute bestfriend and my brother's best
friend was our dad and I hadtalked to them even the night
before.
I was on the phone with themfor three hours.
It's just, we're such a closefamily and perhaps this may be
speculation, but as you getolder, sometimes you grow away
from your parents and you findyour own independence.
(07:45):
But I don't even think we gotto that stage in our lives yet.
But we weren't necessarilyyoung little kids when you go
from being a close-knit familyand you're still dependent upon
your parents.
And then, all of a sudden, hereyou are head of household
because I had to take care of mydad's stuff, my mom's stuff.
(08:05):
My brother was supposed to be,as the oldest sibling, executor
of the estate, but he was in theICU in and out of it.
All of a sudden, here I am justdoing my schoolwork and I'm
head of household for a familyof four.
Not knowing what I'm doing, Istill feel like a little girl.
I'm a 25-year-old little girl.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I don't know what I'm doing, Absolutely.
So the question I would like toask I have so many, but maybe
we'll start with this Is yourbrother?
Okay now?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yeah, relatively speaking, he is okay now.
He's never going to go back tothe fit 25-year-old person that
he ever was.
He's 28 now, so he's not goingto be that kind of person.
Because of the extensiveness ofhis injuries, because we
believe that his head impactedthe seat in front of him when
(08:59):
the defendant rear-ended ourfamily's vehicle.
It not only pushed our vehicleforward so there was tons of
damage to the back, to where thecargo space gone, third row
seat gone, and pushed him undermy parents, under my mom's seat,
but it also pushed them forwardat an angle and so the complete
(09:23):
passenger side went into theback of the tow truck and that
was the side that my mom and mybrother were on.
So my brother had tons ofinjuries from both being
rear-ended and I don't even knowif you want to call it
tangentially T-boned, I don'tknow exactly but from the back
(09:44):
and from the side he had brokenhis glasses, so like he had tons
of bruises in here, and then 13or 14 broken teeth.
He had a broken arm, brokenwrists.
Those had surgery and he has apermanent plate and screws,
broken kneecap, broken leg.
So he was in a walking boot andwe didn't find out till later
(10:08):
that he had the shatteredkneecap.
He had five broken ribs on theleft side because of the
seatbelt that they had alreadybuckled.
Anyways, being on the passengerside, five broken ribs on the
left side.
His spine was broken in threedifferent places and then from
(10:29):
the seatbelt, the lap belt parthad I'm no doctor squeezed his
intestines to the point wherethey were irreparable.
And so he had a couplesurgeries for his intestines.
So they had to cut through tonsof the skin, fat, muscle to get
to the inner organs.
(10:49):
They cut like a good foot longsection.
Due to the severity of the scenethey didn't know what condition
he was internally.
He may not have been externallybleeding, but you could
instantly see how much damagethis has caused.
So they just cut him wide opento see.
We got to get in there and seelungs, heart, everything, and so
(11:12):
that's where they saw a lot ofthe intestines were pretty much
beaten up.
So they took a section of thatout.
But from all of the surgeriestrying to figure out what was
going on in his stomach chestarea, that does a lot of damage
to that core strength as well asthe broken ribs they couldn't
(11:34):
really do anything for, as wellas the broken back, can't really
do anything for that.
He is fine to the extent thathe's going to be and luckily no
mental disabilities resultingfrom this car crash.
I refer to him as an80-year-old man.
Doing stairs is harder for himto do, getting in and out of the
(11:54):
car or getting up and down fromthe floor or a couch.
Those are some of the moredifficult things because it's
that core strength to get up, orthe knee pain.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Goodness bless his heart.
Would you mind to tell us aboutwhen you got notified?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Yeah, so that was a really terrible day.
Obviously, my brother's crashhappened around 630 in the
morning and then the secondcrash happened more towards 745.
And, like I said, I was stillsleeping.
I had no idea what was going on.
I was on the other side of thestate attending college, and
(12:33):
every morning I wake up and Icheck Facebook to see if that
little green dot is there, tosee if my mom is awake.
And it wasn't on.
So I was like just gonna leaveher be be.
She might be sleeping in,whatever, because she had just
had a foot surgery.
My dad had just had a backsurgery.
They're doing their own thing,might be sleeping in.
But it wasn't until maybe 9 or10 o'clock that I was like this
(12:58):
isn't normal.
Usually she's up by now.
So I started calling andtexting my mom hey, good morning
, you might be in the shower orwhatever.
Take it, just let me know whenyou're up.
And I went about doing myhomework and so then, after I
think another hour went by,texted her again Good morning,
(13:21):
what's going on?
Another hour went by.
Somewhere around noon I startedtexting both my mom and my dad
separately and I was like hey,did you go for a drive or
something.
Logically, I knew that theycan't be going for a drive.
They shouldn't be like.
They're supposed to be homehomebodies, and I had just
talked to them the night before.
They don't have weekend plans.
(13:43):
So it was just, it wasn'tsitting well with me that maybe
three hours before they don'thave weekend plans.
So it was just, it wasn'tsitting well with me that maybe
three hours later they weren'tgetting back to me.
And so then I started callingboth their cell phones calling
my mom's cell phone, calling mydad's cell phone, calling the
home phone.
Nobody's answering me.
So then it just started gettingfrustrating and nobody's
(14:16):
answering me.
So then it just started gettingfrustrating.
Why won't they answer me?
So then I texted my brother,and again't replying to me
either.
And it was the most frustratingfeeling.
Mom won't answer, dad won'tanswer, brother won't answer.
Where the heck is everybody?
So then I remembered that my momcalled my grandpa every morning
, and so I texted him and I saidhey, have you heard from mom
(14:41):
lately or this morning?
He's no, I'm out in my car andwe're all out looking for them.
Nobody is responding.
I'm heading over to their houseright now.
And then a little bit later hesaid that the car was gone,
nobody's home.
So then I'm frantic because Ican't do anything.
(15:02):
From six hours away there's notmuch that I can do, but there
has to be some sort ofreasonable explanation that
they're gone, like they wentsomewhere and our car had white
tigers on the side.
So it's a pretty recognizablecar in our community that like
if you just drive down thestreet you can instantly
recognize where our car is.
(15:24):
And so they were out and aboutdriving around and it just would
not sit well with me.
I'm sure that my, our homephone had 17 missed calls, my
parents' phones missed messages,everything.
And I think at about threearound three o'clock in the
afternoon I sent my last textmessage to my mom saying that
(15:46):
I'm really concerned.
Please, we're all looking foryou.
Please let me know you're okay.
And then, about 20 minuteslater, I got a knock on my door
and it was two policemen and myheart sank.
But I still didn't connect twoand two together because your
first thought isn't somethingterrible at least mine wasn't
(16:10):
and I remember opening the doorand the first words out of my
mouth were actually first, Iopened the door and I see that
it's the police and I just havea blank look on my face and I
remember thinking I don't wantthem to think my reaction was
weird, thinking that like I'mhiding something.
(16:32):
And so I said I'm so sorry thatI just had a really weird look
on my face or a weird reaction,because none of my family can
get a hold of my mom and dad,and now it's really weird that
you're here right now.
And then they asked me toverify my mom and dad's names
and they asked me to verify myname.
And then they said that theyneed to talk to me and that they
(16:53):
needed to come into myapartment and asked me to sit
down.
And then that's when they hadtold me that there had been a
car accident and at that time wedidn't really know anything
about my brother's crash.
It was really unclear as towhat exactly happened.
All they knew was my mom and mydad and my brother were in our
(17:17):
car and there was a tow truck onscene.
And at that time they said thatthey did tell me and I don't
remember this like, oh, this islike a really big crash.
(17:49):
And I remember thinking back tothe times when we've called 911
before, like usually it's thefire department that shows up
and in my mind I was picturinglike fire department on side of
freeway and my heart sank forthe other people that were on
the scene and I was like I don'tknow if this is a stupid
(18:09):
question to ask, but did anybodydie?
Are the firefighters okay?
Are paramedics okay?
And my concern was like I hopenobody died.
Even though and later on Iremember them telling me a
little bit like that thought wasin my head it just didn't
(18:29):
register because they just toldme my parents were dead.
And then my concern flipped toI hope nobody died.
And so then they had to tell methe story all over again of
what they just told me that andthey had to say it slower.
And a lot of my PTSD stems frombeing in that apartment, which
I'm so glad I'm not thereanymore, because anytime I would
(18:51):
sit on my couch in that spot,all I would see in front of me
was like that police officerkneeling down in front of me,
his partner standing behind himand just telling me over and
over again your parents are gone, your brother's in emergency
surgery to save his life, and myworld just crumbling down.
But later on we found out thatmy parents' names were released
(19:15):
to the news and there were newsreports already at the 11
o'clock news and the noon news,but none of my family was
watching TV to see that washappening going on, because we
were all out looking for them.
Nobody was at home watching TV.
So my personal family has avery different perception, or I
(19:40):
guess we have a very differentreality of that day versus the
tow truck driver's family.
Different reality of that dayversus the tow truck driver's
family because they did see onthe news and they were closer up
there in the community, versusus not finding out.
And I was the first point ofcontact, I was the first person
that they were able to find.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
So then that was able to release names and
information.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I know I was.
I I don't know what I want todo with that, but I feel like we
need to start working towards apetition and some sort of
legislature that you cannotrelease information to news
media for them to report on iffamily or next of kin have not
been notified.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
And I already thought that was a thing.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
It's not.
There have been so manymessages or comments on my
videos that this is how I foundout my brother passed away is
when it was on the five o'clocknews.
This is how my child passedaway is when they were on the
five o'clock news, and that'snot right.
You should not be watching thenews and all of a sudden there
(20:47):
is your loved one's picture, carname.
I don't think that's morally orethically right.
Do you mind if I ask whathappened to the driver?
First was taken to a localhospital because of the severity
of the scene, with three peoplepassing away.
(21:09):
Both her and my brother weretransported.
She had not a scratch on her,no injuries whatsoever, and she
was first in hospital forobservation when they started
doing their astigmatizationwhatever they're, like the eye
(21:32):
test.
So that's when she was underobservation, when she kept
falling asleep, and it wasn'tuntil the second hospital that
they transferred both her and mybrother to.
It wasn't until there that shewas arrested and then released
from the hospital to the countyjail and from there she bailed
out.
Her mom bailed her out and shewalked free for two years and a
(21:57):
lot of people around town sawher driving, which is really
unfortunate because youshouldn't be able to drive, kill
people, continue to drive.
So that was really unfortunate.
But then we did eventually getto trial and after trial was the
sentencing.
(22:17):
After she was found guilty andthe sentencing range that she
was looking at was 12 to 15years and luckily we did have a
really good judge and because ofextenuating circumstances and a
lot of other lawyer jargon thatI don't understand, she
extended it outside of thosenormal sentencing ranges to it
(22:43):
was 20 years for my mom, 20years for my dad, 20 years for
Arthur Anderson and 10 years formy brother for the assault.
And on that point of the assaultthe county they said that it
was the worst assault case thatthe county had ever seen and I
think that in part with killingthree other people was that's
(23:06):
why they decided that they cango for extenuating circumstances
outside of the proposedsentencing range, but they are
to run concurrent, notconsecutive.
So she'll be in jail for atotal of 20 years maximum
instead of 70.
Instead of 70.
(23:30):
But she could still get out onparole or get out on good
behavior, community service,those kinds of things to bring
it back down, but the end of theday, right now it's 20 years
you know that it does notsurprise me that she had hardly
no injuries.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
The the not at all.
Yeah, the guy that hit us, theaccident I was telling you about
he had a broke nose, was in andout of the hospital in no time
and a few days later, oncereality hit, he ended up
committing suicide and his threeor four year old granddaughter
found them in a barn, and nowshe's stuck with that the rest
(24:06):
of her life.
Yeah, it's just this snowballeffect of trauma and just this
endless cycle of things thatcould have been prevented
absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
That's the thing that just sticks with us a lot is
how preventable it could havebeen, because she had 15 or 16
substances in her, in in herbody, on her person, in her car
and 19 boxes of suboxone stripsis like how, how much more can
(24:38):
you possibly take?
There was a full day dedicatedto all the prescriptions and all
the drugs that she had with heron her, in a person and in the
car.
There was a full day dedicatedto all of these things.
And there was a prescription ofI believe it was Alprazolam
that had.
It was supposed to have 240pills in it.
(25:00):
It was just filled the daybefore.
Had she followed theprescription.
At most, eight have been gone,but there were near 78 gone and
I know it's like how can youtake that many?
Speaker 1 (25:15):
was she selling some for cash?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
that I don't know.
They did a fine dance aroundthe defense.
The defense did a fine dancearound.
Just because they were gonedoesn't mean she necessarily
took them.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Because either way, it doesn't matter.
She was still in the wrong andthree people's lives are ended
and countless of people now havetrauma.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
She had admitted to taking and I forget if it was
like an Aleve or an Advil shesaid when they asked have you
taken anything she admitted to?
I forget now, but it was one ofthose two names and the only
thing that they found in her carthat matched that description
was an Advil PM.
(26:03):
An Advil or Aleve, but eitherway, what do you do in taking a
PM drug in the morning beforedriving, like you take that at
night, like there's?
There were so manyinconsistencies with what she
said upon first interrogationversus when there was trial
(26:28):
examination, cross-examination.
There were there's so manyinconsistencies.
It's like you are so beyondguilty.
Which also made it quitefrustrating is because she never
said she was sorry, she neverdid a plea deal, she never tried
to admit or she never showedany attempt of remorse until it
(26:50):
was sentencing, because she hadalready been found guilty.
It was already too late.
So then came the I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, but the thingthat defense kept saying is it
was an unfortunate accident thatcould have happened to anybody
and it just so happened to bethat Miss Ireland was the person
.
We didn't just go to Walmart sayyou did it Like you were
(27:13):
falling asleep when people, whenthe police officers were trying
to ask you questions on scene.
You were literally fallingasleep.
You couldn't keep your eyesopen.
We didn't just pick anybody.
This wasn't just an unfortunateaccident.
It's so preventable that itshould have never happened in
(27:33):
the first place.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Yeah, has any of her family or anyone tried to reach
out to any of the survivors?
Speaker 2 (27:43):
The only contact that I had was with Miss Ireland's
mom, and I don't necessarilythink this lady is fully aware
of what actually happened.
She was just fed whatever herdaughter told her, and she only
(28:10):
showed up on the one day that itwas the defense's side to share
their version of the story.
Nobody ever came for any of theother moments, except for when
Miss Ireland got up on the standto share her side of the story.
On that day I didn't even knowwho it was.
I later, when I turned aroundand found out, she grabbed my
shoulder and turned me around togive me a hug and said it was
just so unfortunate what thisterrible accident has done.
(28:31):
I didn't know who I was hugging, I was just forced into a hug
and then I realized it was hermom.
But I don't blame her mom orher family, because they are
only believing the informationthat they've been told.
But other than that, no, nobodyhas reached out, nobody has
said anything.
I'm sorry.
A lot more of it has to do withblaming my brother and just
(28:55):
blaming us.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Oh, blaming the victim, isn't that the way that
it works sometimes, and it makesme so mad.
The tow truck man, did you sayanderson?
Yeah, arthur anderson was itthe same trial?
Speaker 2 (29:12):
yeah, so it was.
The whole trial case was thestate versus miss ireland and it
was all wrapped up in one case.
So it was the three counts ofvehicular homicide and then the
one count of assault ArthurAnderson was.
It was all wrapped up in onecase because it was one crash.
(29:35):
But yeah, I did get to know his.
He had five kids and there werea couple of his kids that he
took in because their father hadpassed away in a similar
incident.
I think it was two or three ofthe kids lost their dad and he
was the tow truck driver thatwent to the scene and found him
(30:01):
passed away Really unfortunate.
And then it happens all overagain.
But you said earlier, it's niceto meet you or nice to see you,
but it's unfortunate thecircumstances of which we meet,
which is like the same thingthat we feel towards Arthur
Anderson's five children.
I've only met three of them,but it's having somebody who
(30:24):
somewhat understands what you'regoing through.
It's like it's there aren'treally words to describe that
relationship.
It's really unfortunate thatnone of us wish that the other
was there, but here we aretrying to get through it
together.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yeah, you just made the comment of it's nice having
someone that you can talk tothat understands.
Would you mind give us a coupleof examples of what you have
been told and why this is soimportant to maybe say to people
that are trying to comfortothers during their trauma?
Speaker 2 (31:01):
I did have in the courtroom.
Some people come up and hug meand say congratulations, what a
victory, and I'm going to usethese words.
You just said it's a chapter ofthe book closing, but that does
not mean at all that it's done.
Particularly in our case, we'regoing through the appeal stage
(31:22):
now, even though one chapter isclosed and trial is behind us.
Our car is still on the policeimpound lot, it's still wrapped
up in all these lawyer accountsand these state like one chapter
is closed, but we're just inthe next chapter, and so I did
(31:46):
make that video last night ofsome of the things that people
find I shouldn't even saycomforting, because I don't know
really what goes throughsomebody's mind, but just some
phrases that I've heard in whichpeople say that it's like you
know what.
There might be a little bitmore education behind just
(32:06):
impaired driving here, but moreof the fact what not to say when
somebody is grieving or goingthrough these kinds of
situations, and socongratulations is probably not
one of them that you should sayeither.
Yes, it would have beenabsolutely terrible had she been
(32:27):
found not guilty, but I stilldon't think congratulations is
necessarily the word to use Forme.
In my experience it was more sovalidating that justice finally
came to somebody who deserved ittwo years ago.
And sometimes silence is betterthan saying the wrong thing.
(32:50):
Like even just sitting withsomebody getting a tissue for
them.
How they say actions speaklouder than words.
Like just sitting with somebodycrying with them.
You don't even have to sayanything Because it's a lot to
comprehend, it's a lot of.
For us it was only two years.
(33:11):
Two years felt like an eternity, but I know that there's some
people's cases that take a lotlonger than that, and so there's
just a lot of anticipation andbuildup that just needs to be
decompressed and sometimes itcan come out in that moment.
But it is almost like a shellshock moment, same as when I
(33:33):
first found out and when I wasfirst told both your mom and dad
are gone.
You've got to take a coupleminutes and even a couple hours,
couple days, couple weeks,whatever it may be, to really
let that hit and sink, in thatshe is guilty and she won't be
able to keep walking free, shewon't be able to keep and
(33:55):
maintain her innocence andtrying to convince people that
she's being targeted or thatkind of thing.
But some of the other things arequite interesting when people
say, oh, they were gonna dieanyway, and some of the things
that it quite interesting whenpeople say, oh, they were going
to die anyway, and some of thethings that it's sure that may
be the truth, but is thatnecessarily helpful right now to
(34:16):
somebody who is really sad andgrieving?
And one of the things that Ireally emphasize on my page is
grief is normal.
Grief is a natural part of ourhuman experience and that could
be being happy and excited andthen feeling guilty.
(34:37):
That you're happy and excitedbecause then you remember that
your loved ones aren't here tocelebrate with you and then you
are feeling sad and depressedand guilty.
It is normal and natural tofeel every single range of
emotions from that happy,excited all the way through sad,
depressed, and all of those arepart of the grief process.
(35:00):
That shouldn't be suppressed orshoved aside or away and that
there's no timeline for grief,but having a support system
around you of people not tryingto dismiss that.
Another thing is people who saythose kinds of things are quite
lucky that they don'tunderstand the impact of the
words that they're making.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
And you're so right about the support system.
That's exactly why I startedthis podcast.
When I went through the hatecrime, I needed to normalize
talking about the hard things,because we all have them and if
I just kept it all in, I couldhave turned to drugs and alcohol
and become destructive andended up ending my life somehow
(35:42):
whether it was intentional ordrinking myself to death or
whatever with my attacker'sfingerprints all over my dead
body, and I wasn't going to givethat to him.
He doesn't deserve that.
I don't deserve that.
People ask me all the time whatshould people do?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
I have always been one to bottle my feelings up,
keep them in until there'ssomething that, even if it's
super small, just explodes.
I've always been that kind ofperson.
But since this it has just beenabsolutely too much.
And why I say that there is notimeline to grief is because now
(36:23):
I'm getting to the point whereI've been.
I think around the year mark.
I was getting to the pointwhere people assume that you
should be done.
You should be over it.
It was a year ago.
Move on and it's you know what Ilike posting and making these
videos because there is notimeline to grief there.
(36:44):
There is none.
And especially when you havesomething like this where every
week, every month, there was ameeting with the prosecutors,
new evidence month, there was ameeting with the prosecutors,
new evidence finding out newways that your parents died,
basically, and new crime scenephotos and the different metrics
(37:06):
that they used to use againstand show in trial against the
defense it's every single week,every month, fence.
It's every single week, everymonth, when it's just fresh in
your head, how can you possiblymove forward?
I don't like the term moving on, but I use moving forward
because there's some things younever move on from you, never
(37:29):
move on.
But I really try to moveforward and I've been getting a
lot of time to move on and stopcrying.
But I like posting videosbecause I see so many comments
that just me sitting on thescreen and crying and sharing my
thoughts for the day and saying, hey, it's my birthday, it's my
(37:52):
parents' birthday, it's ananniversary of this or that, or
I found this picture and justletting the tears flow and like
some tears are just so healing.
It is normal to have a good cry, it's normal to have a bad cry,
but it's so much better to havea good cry and that's normal
(38:14):
and natural and I just I reallytry to cry.
I don't try to cry, but I tryand show, like those real and
raw moments, that I'm not goingto tell you you should be over
it.
I didn't experience what youwent through.
I'm not going to tell you toget out If you don't like my
content, you can move on but toshow that this is what I'm going
through after a year and I feellike six months or a year is
(38:38):
people's typical timeline thatyou should be over something.
Speaker 1 (38:40):
I don't think that anyone ever gets over anything.
I think that we learn newcoping mechanisms.
I think we learn how to live ina new normal.
I think that we use the lifeskills and the skills of our
support team to cope with thebad.
The last thing that I want tosay to that is we don't need to
put timelines on things.
(39:02):
That isn't fair, and the momentthat I realized that and I gave
myself permission to feel itchanged everything, it was very
empowering.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
Yeah, I like what you said there about giving
yourself permission.
Just because I continue to cryover the loss of my parents or
thinking about how preventablethis was, that's not.
That's not Miss Ireland keepingthat over me.
That's me allowing myself toprocess things.
(39:36):
My chapter with her technicallywill never be done because she
is such a pivotal unfortunatelya pivotal part in my life.
At the end of the day, she is,but at the same time, I'm good,
I'm done with her.
I don't need to ever see heragain.
I don't need to sit next to heragain.
There was a day when we werewaiting on one of the meetings
(39:58):
that we had to sit next to eachother while waiting on our
lawyers, and it's.
I don't need to see you.
I don't need to.
I'm good with you.
Let me process and move forwardon my own.
But that's not to say that shehas any hold over me.
That's giving ourselvespermission to comprehend and
cope and process.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
One thing that I love that you're doing is you are
bringing awareness, and I thinkthat can make people
uncomfortable, right People?
Maybe it's someone that has hada DUI.
Maybe it's someone that has hada car accident that just got
lucky.
Maybe it's someone that haseven a different kind of trauma
(40:39):
that they just hadn't processedand they don't know how, because
they haven't given themselvespermission and society is
telling them to sit down andshut up.
There's so many factors thatplay into it.
It takes people like us thatare like uh-uh, we're going to
talk.
Absolutely, I can't speak foryou, but we will not be shutting
up.
Speaker 2 (40:57):
No, I've cried many times over this kind of thing.
I can't let this be for nothing.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
I cannot let this be for nothing.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
So my question is and maybe this is something I
should have asked sooner, and soforgive me, but would you mind
and it's okay if you don't wantto, but you've spoken, mr
Anderson would you mind to giveus your mom and dad's name and
then tell us what your goals andplans are with what you're
(41:28):
doing, what you're going to dowith this advocacy for something
that you probably didn't evenknow you were ever going to have
a passion for?
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Exactly.
Yeah, I don't even know whatI'm doing at this point in time.
My mom's name was Karen Stoker,my dad's name was Rick Stoker
and my brother's name is TravisStoker, and that actually was
one.
That was my opening sentence inmy victim's impact statement is
here's my mom, here's my dad,here's who they were, and
thankfully I'm not talking aboutmy brother Travis, in the past
(41:55):
tense, because he was very closeto it and this isn't anything
that I thought was going to bein my life plan.
I just started posting videos asa first.
It was a uplift for otherpeople and then, like I was
saying, I just had to just startletting some of these emotions
(42:16):
out, and I saw a lot of positiveresponses to these kinds of
videos of thank you for publiclygrieving.
I've been afraid to grieve inpublic.
So it's taken a lot ofdifferent turns and a snowball
effect into advocacy.
Advocacy into this is theimpact and effects of impaired
(42:44):
driving, which on the Andersonside for the tow truck business,
inside of things, there was alaw passed because of our case
and it was an Anderson bill theslowdown move over and it
strengthened the slowdown moveover law from just the police
force into any roadsideassistance vehicles, and so that
name is in Anderson or thatbill is in Anderson's name.
(43:07):
But to continue about, I'd liketo start making more or talking
with people more on podcasts ordifferent platforms, to just
extend more than just myplatform talking about it but
then collaborating withdifferent platforms, and this
wasn't even something that I hadever thought of until you
(43:30):
mentioned it.
I have thought about going toour local driver's ed schools
because I personally rememberwhen there was somebody that
came in talking about theeffects of drunk driving and I
think a lot of people when theyhear impaired driving, they
automatically assume drinkingand driving.
(43:52):
But it could be impairedmeaning drinking or drugs or
really anything that impairsyour ability to make decisions
while driving.
And so I have thought aboutgoing to our local schools,
especially when they have promsor homecomings.
They usually have twoassemblies and they have police
(44:13):
come in and sometimes somevictims, like families and
victims, come in and givespeeches at schools and driver's
eds.
And again, I'm just gettingstarted.
But this has to mean something,whether it be on the impaired
and the driver's decisions indriving or hand your keys over
(44:39):
or give somebody a call.
There has actually been acomment on one of my videos that
said you are the reason why Isaw obviously impaired man
stumbling across the parking lotto his car and I called the
police on him so he didn't goout there on the road.
There's so many differentavenues that I probably some
(45:01):
more that I can't even think of.
That has a ripple effect and animpact that I'll just.
I'll keep continuing doing whatI'm doing and we'll see where
it takes me.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
I'm so proud of you and I'm so honored to yeah,
absolutely.
And I'm so honored that youtrusted me and my platform to to
come on and share your storyand be a part of the podcasting
journey.
It is hard work and people askme.
Yeah, and people ask me all thetime, like David, you're
(45:34):
telling your story day in andday out.
What does that do for yourmental health?
And it actually does a lot ofpositive things for it.
I'm connecting with some greatpeople and we're going to change
the world, so a question I'dlike to end on is what do you do
for yourself?
When do you allow yourself tohave those moments of okay, I
(45:57):
want Ashley and Ashley's innerchild to just eat ice cream, I
don't care what it is.
What do you do for yourself?
Speaker 2 (46:04):
Yeah, it's really funny the million things about
eating ice cream.
Yeah, ice cream is my dad'sfavorite thing and absolutely
when I scream I feel like I'mconnecting back with my dad.
It doing things for myself hasbeen a big struggle, not gonna
lie.
There's been a lot of strugglesthat I've been and still
(46:25):
currently working through.
There were a lot of copingskills, such as an artist
painting.
I love it.
I completely gave all of thatup because my parents were my
number one cheerleaders and so Ithink, just going back to what
helped before and workingthrough those mental blocks,
(46:46):
honestly, so far making TikTokshas been my physical relief
because you are speaking it andphysically getting it off your
chest.
That one has definitely made abig impact in my life because I
feel as though also I'm beingheard.
It has completely expanded myinner circle.
(47:15):
I've made so many friends andpeople who understand a glimpse
of what I'm going through.
I like listening to music and Ihave an emotional support
animal.
Ice cream soothes the soulAbsolutely.
But yeah, I've been going live alot this past week on social
media because I cannot allowmyself to spiral down, so I need
(47:38):
to, for myself, choose theother fork in the road and I go
live and I hang out with otherpeople, and the other night a
lot of great people joined andlifted my spirits up.
But then we also cried a lottogether and I let people join
and we cry together and we sitin silence together.
(48:00):
But I think everybody has theirown unique outlet depending on
their likes and interests.
And some people recommended tome journaling.
I don't journal, I'm notdisciplined to, I'm not
self-disciplined to sit down andwrite something out every day.
But I think everybody has anoutlet and exploring what works
(48:22):
for you is a great find once youfigure out what that is, and
there's millions of them outthere.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Yeah, absolutely, I will end on this will end on
this.
There were parts of me that Ilost.
Trying to recover from mytrauma.
It took a little bit of time,but one day I just woke up and
was like I want to do this againand I loved it.
It was better than ever.
Maybe, when it comes topainting and things like that,
(48:52):
you haven't touched in a while.
Maybe it's not over.
Maybe it's just on pause rightnow and that's okay.
But I want you to remember totake care of yourself, and I
know that it doesn't matter howmany millions of followers you
may end up having or alreadyhave.
I know that none of them willbe as big and powerful as Miss
(49:15):
Karen and Mr Rick, but I'm sohonored to get to know you and
be a cheerleader for you and forthem and watch what you're
doing to allow this or toprevent, to change to all those
things for your community andfurther and beyond.
(49:35):
So thank you for that.
Thank you for all.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
If we don't, if we don't know any better, we can't
acknowledge any better.
Therefore, we're not going tobe doing any better.
So it just starts with sharingand speaking up and, hopefully,
if we all impact three people'slives and they impact three
people's lives, it's it growsexponentially.
Speaker 1 (49:59):
So yeah, here we are, and that wraps up another
powerful episode of survivingabuse.
I want to extend my deepestgratitude to our incredible
guests for sharing theirtransformative journey with us
today.
Join us next week as we diveinto the healing process and
share more incredible stories oftriumph and resilience.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
I'm thinking a good kiss and a bad goodbye.
Now I'm back and I'll pray foryou.
I'm done hurting you.
In every dark tunnel there's a glimmer of hope.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
In every painful moment there's a strength to
heal anyway.
Speaker 1 (00:31):
Hi everybody, welcome to Surviving Podcast.
As many of you all know, myfamily was a victim of a drunk
driving accident.
That laws ended up being passedin our name.
I have shared that story onhere and I have made a friend
named Ashley Stoker.
You may know her on TikTok.
She is definitely an advocatedoing the work.
Let's start with theintroduction Ashley, how are you
(00:53):
?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I'm good, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
I'm so glad that you're here.
It's hard to say because theconversations that we're having,
but life happens and there'straumas, but when it brings
people together like this.
So tell us a moment, if youdon't mind, and introduce
yourself.
Tell us who you are.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
So my name is Ashley and I grew up and lived in
Washington my whole life,growing up and living in
Washington.
There's tons of beautifulscenery and I grew up with both
my mom and dad and an olderbrother, and my brother was out
on a Saturday morning and he wasgoing to meet up at one of the
(01:33):
waterfalls with his car and he'sa part of a car group and he
was driving north, northboundWashington and he had actually
hydroplaned in some of oursometimes in Washington it's
rainy and he hydroplaned firstand went into the guardrail and
then from the guardrail into theditch and so he was driving
(01:57):
alone that day, made itperfectly fine out of the ditch
and some good Samaritans thattraveled on the freeway just
behind him called 911 and theycalled a tow truck for him.
He walked away perfectly fine,but the car was totaled and so
they called a tow truck for himto get the car out of the ditch.
And then he called my dad andwho was just about 45, 50
(02:21):
minutes away, and my dad thentold my mom, hey, got to go pick
up our son.
I personally was over atEastern Washington University,
attending college at this pointin time, so I had absolutely no
idea.
At this time I was stillsleeping.
They had gone.
Both my mom and dad went to gopick up my brother from the side
(02:44):
of the freeway and it was atthat time when the trooper had
left the scene.
Later on we had found out thatit was so close to my parents
leaving the side of the roadthat my dad's foot was on the
brake pedal and it had releasedat the time of impact and,
(03:05):
unfortunately, an impaireddriver had crossed multiple
lanes as my parents were goingto be leaving the side of the
freeway, rear-ended them, pushedthe car forward into,
unfortunately, the tow truckdriver, arthur Anderson, was in
between my parents' vehicle andhis tow truck and unfortunately,
(03:25):
both my mom and dad and ArthurAnderson were pronounced dead on
scene and my brother was foundconscious, but underneath my
mom's front seat.
So, like any of us, he woke upand was going to go for a nice
drive and go see some sceneryand have some good Saturday with
some friends.
But that unfortunately was notthe case and just a lot of us
(03:48):
tend to think if you need to gopick somebody up, my parents
were just going to go pick themup, be right back, everything
would be good, and that,unfortunately, was not the case
either.
Speaker 1 (03:58):
So your parents made it to your brother's scene,
scene of accident and then towtruck was there.
The tow truck guy was stillworking with the cars.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
Yeah.
So my brother's car was alreadyup on top of the tow truck and
Arthur Anderson was securing thelast little bit and he was
going to go around to climb backup into his cab to take off my
parents.
My dad was the driver and itshowed that his foot came off
the brake pedal to start going.
So they were literally justabout to leave the side of the
(04:33):
freeway and something I don'tknow if interesting is the right
word to use, but people whoknew my mom, especially my mom
she was in the front passenger.
She took hundreds of thousandsof photos a year, hundreds of
videos every single year.
Like she was an addict toscrapbooking and so I had photos
(04:55):
.
Later on, when I recoveredtheir cell phones and stuff and
personal belongings from thevehicle, I found her phone and I
went through it from thevehicle.
I found her phone and I wentthrough it and a lot of the
photos that she actually took ofmy brother's accident and some
of the photos she had on therewere time stamped from minutes
before the car's computer chipshowed impact.
(05:17):
It showed a lot of pictures andvideos from the scene that were
later used in court to showthat there was a wide 12 foot
shoulder.
They were clearly off the sideof the road.
It showed that they were, thatthe tow truck had his lights
going and it was a whole disputebetween defense of his lights
(05:38):
weren't on or they werepartially in the road.
And my mom took thousands ofphotos and fortunately but
unfortunately, they were used inour actual court case.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
I think the universe does work in those ways and
you're right.
Like there's never a good wordto put to something like that.
You say interesting or thingslike that.
But part of me wonders ifsometimes we just know, and our
instinct or God or whatever itis you believe in, how do you do
these things that's going tohelp bring the people left
(06:10):
behind some peace or help getthe situation resolved in some
kind of way.
So your brother survived, andwas he a teenager?
Speaker 2 (06:19):
No, he was 25 at the time and I was 22 at the time.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
And I don't know how I never caught on to this,
because I watch your TikToks,but I just always assumed maybe
it's where I vision my storywith it that I pictured you as a
child.
I didn't realize you were offto college in your adult life.
I don't know how I never caughton to that.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah, I think when a lot of people view my TikToks as
well, looking young, soundingyoung, probably portraying not
that I try to portray myself asyoung, but I've just turned 25.
And I think a lot of peopleview me as 14 to 16, or that
maybe this happened a long timeago.
But I also do think it's inpart of how I talk about our
(07:04):
family structure.
I think it's in part due to howclose of a family we were that
some people may connect closertowards.
If I say that I'm talking withmy mom or my dad every day,
that's something that maybe ayounger person would do because
they're at home more often.
But that's just goes to showhow close of a family we
actually were.
(07:24):
And my mom was my absolute bestfriend and my brother's best
friend was our dad and I hadtalked to them even the night
before.
I was on the phone with themfor three hours.
It's just, we're such a closefamily and perhaps this may be
speculation, but as you getolder, sometimes you grow away
from your parents and you findyour own independence.
(07:45):
But I don't even think we gotto that stage in our lives yet.
But we weren't necessarilyyoung little kids when you go
from being a close-knit familyand you're still dependent upon
your parents.
And then, all of a sudden, hereyou are head of household
because I had to take care of mydad's stuff, my mom's stuff.
(08:05):
My brother was supposed to be,as the oldest sibling, executor
of the estate, but he was in theICU in and out of it.
All of a sudden, here I am justdoing my schoolwork and I'm
head of household for a familyof four.
Not knowing what I'm doing, Istill feel like a little girl.
I'm a 25-year-old little girl.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I don't know what I'm doing, Absolutely.
So the question I would like toask I have so many, but maybe
we'll start with this Is yourbrother?
Okay now?
Speaker 2 (08:37):
Yeah, relatively speaking, he is okay now.
He's never going to go back tothe fit 25-year-old person that
he ever was.
He's 28 now, so he's not goingto be that kind of person.
Because of the extensiveness ofhis injuries, because we
believe that his head impactedthe seat in front of him when
(08:59):
the defendant rear-ended ourfamily's vehicle.
It not only pushed our vehicleforward so there was tons of
damage to the back, to where thecargo space gone, third row
seat gone, and pushed him undermy parents, under my mom's seat,
but it also pushed them forwardat an angle and so the complete
(09:23):
passenger side went into theback of the tow truck and that
was the side that my mom and mybrother were on.
So my brother had tons ofinjuries from both being
rear-ended and I don't even knowif you want to call it
tangentially T-boned, I don'tknow exactly but from the back
(09:44):
and from the side he had brokenhis glasses, so like he had tons
of bruises in here, and then 13or 14 broken teeth.
He had a broken arm, brokenwrists.
Those had surgery and he has apermanent plate and screws,
broken kneecap, broken leg.
So he was in a walking boot andwe didn't find out till later
(10:08):
that he had the shatteredkneecap.
He had five broken ribs on theleft side because of the
seatbelt that they had alreadybuckled.
Anyways, being on the passengerside, five broken ribs on the
left side.
His spine was broken in threedifferent places and then from
(10:29):
the seatbelt, the lap belt parthad I'm no doctor squeezed his
intestines to the point wherethey were irreparable.
And so he had a couplesurgeries for his intestines.
So they had to cut through tonsof the skin, fat, muscle to get
to the inner organs.
(10:49):
They cut like a good foot longsection.
Due to the severity of the scenethey didn't know what condition
he was internally.
He may not have been externallybleeding, but you could
instantly see how much damagethis has caused.
So they just cut him wide opento see.
We got to get in there and seelungs, heart, everything, and so
(11:12):
that's where they saw a lot ofthe intestines were pretty much
beaten up.
So they took a section of thatout.
But from all of the surgeriestrying to figure out what was
going on in his stomach chestarea, that does a lot of damage
to that core strength as well asthe broken ribs they couldn't
(11:34):
really do anything for, as wellas the broken back, can't really
do anything for that.
He is fine to the extent thathe's going to be and luckily no
mental disabilities resultingfrom this car crash.
I refer to him as an80-year-old man.
Doing stairs is harder for himto do, getting in and out of the
(11:54):
car or getting up and down fromthe floor or a couch.
Those are some of the moredifficult things because it's
that core strength to get up, orthe knee pain.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Goodness bless his heart.
Would you mind to tell us aboutwhen you got notified?
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Yeah, so that was a really terrible day.
Obviously, my brother's crashhappened around 630 in the
morning and then the secondcrash happened more towards 745.
And, like I said, I was stillsleeping.
I had no idea what was going on.
I was on the other side of thestate attending college, and
(12:33):
every morning I wake up and Icheck Facebook to see if that
little green dot is there, tosee if my mom is awake.
And it wasn't on.
So I was like just gonna leaveher be be.
She might be sleeping in,whatever, because she had just
had a foot surgery.
My dad had just had a backsurgery.
They're doing their own thing,might be sleeping in.
But it wasn't until maybe 9 or10 o'clock that I was like this
(12:58):
isn't normal.
Usually she's up by now.
So I started calling andtexting my mom hey, good morning
, you might be in the shower orwhatever.
Take it, just let me know whenyou're up.
And I went about doing myhomework and so then, after I
think another hour went by,texted her again Good morning,
(13:21):
what's going on?
Another hour went by.
Somewhere around noon I startedtexting both my mom and my dad
separately and I was like hey,did you go for a drive or
something.
Logically, I knew that theycan't be going for a drive.
They shouldn't be like.
They're supposed to be homehomebodies, and I had just
talked to them the night before.
They don't have weekend plans.
(13:43):
So it was just, it wasn'tsitting well with me that maybe
three hours before they don'thave weekend plans.
So it was just, it wasn'tsitting well with me that maybe
three hours later they weren'tgetting back to me.
And so then I started callingboth their cell phones calling
my mom's cell phone, calling mydad's cell phone, calling the
home phone.
Nobody's answering me.
So then it just started gettingfrustrating and nobody's
(14:16):
answering me.
So then it just started gettingfrustrating.
Why won't they answer me?
So then I texted my brother,and again't replying to me
either.
And it was the most frustratingfeeling.
Mom won't answer, dad won'tanswer, brother won't answer.
Where the heck is everybody?
So then I remembered that my momcalled my grandpa every morning
, and so I texted him and I saidhey, have you heard from mom
(14:41):
lately or this morning?
He's no, I'm out in my car andwe're all out looking for them.
Nobody is responding.
I'm heading over to their houseright now.
And then a little bit later hesaid that the car was gone,
nobody's home.
So then I'm frantic because Ican't do anything.
(15:02):
From six hours away there's notmuch that I can do, but there
has to be some sort ofreasonable explanation that
they're gone, like they wentsomewhere and our car had white
tigers on the side.
So it's a pretty recognizablecar in our community that like
if you just drive down thestreet you can instantly
recognize where our car is.
(15:24):
And so they were out and aboutdriving around and it just would
not sit well with me.
I'm sure that my, our homephone had 17 missed calls, my
parents' phones missed messages,everything.
And I think at about threearound three o'clock in the
afternoon I sent my last textmessage to my mom saying that
(15:46):
I'm really concerned.
Please, we're all looking foryou.
Please let me know you're okay.
And then, about 20 minuteslater, I got a knock on my door
and it was two policemen and myheart sank.
But I still didn't connect twoand two together because your
first thought isn't somethingterrible at least mine wasn't
(16:10):
and I remember opening the doorand the first words out of my
mouth were actually first, Iopened the door and I see that
it's the police and I just havea blank look on my face and I
remember thinking I don't wantthem to think my reaction was
weird, thinking that like I'mhiding something.
(16:32):
And so I said I'm so sorry thatI just had a really weird look
on my face or a weird reaction,because none of my family can
get a hold of my mom and dad,and now it's really weird that
you're here right now.
And then they asked me toverify my mom and dad's names
and they asked me to verify myname.
And then they said that theyneed to talk to me and that they
(16:53):
needed to come into myapartment and asked me to sit
down.
And then that's when they hadtold me that there had been a
car accident and at that time wedidn't really know anything
about my brother's crash.
It was really unclear as towhat exactly happened.
All they knew was my mom and mydad and my brother were in our
(17:17):
car and there was a tow truck onscene.
And at that time they said thatthey did tell me and I don't
remember this like, oh, this islike a really big crash.
(17:49):
And I remember thinking back tothe times when we've called 911
before, like usually it's thefire department that shows up
and in my mind I was picturinglike fire department on side of
freeway and my heart sank forthe other people that were on
the scene and I was like I don'tknow if this is a stupid
(18:09):
question to ask, but did anybodydie?
Are the firefighters okay?
Are paramedics okay?
And my concern was like I hopenobody died.
Even though and later on Iremember them telling me a
little bit like that thought wasin my head it just didn't
(18:29):
register because they just toldme my parents were dead.
And then my concern flipped toI hope nobody died.
And so then they had to tell methe story all over again of
what they just told me that andthey had to say it slower.
And a lot of my PTSD stems frombeing in that apartment, which
I'm so glad I'm not thereanymore, because anytime I would
(18:51):
sit on my couch in that spot,all I would see in front of me
was like that police officerkneeling down in front of me,
his partner standing behind himand just telling me over and
over again your parents are gone, your brother's in emergency
surgery to save his life, and myworld just crumbling down.
But later on we found out thatmy parents' names were released
(19:15):
to the news and there were newsreports already at the 11
o'clock news and the noon news,but none of my family was
watching TV to see that washappening going on, because we
were all out looking for them.
Nobody was at home watching TV.
So my personal family has avery different perception, or I
(19:40):
guess we have a very differentreality of that day versus the
tow truck driver's family.
Different reality of that dayversus the tow truck driver's
family because they did see onthe news and they were closer up
there in the community, versusus not finding out.
And I was the first point ofcontact, I was the first person
that they were able to find.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
So then that was able to release names and
information.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I know I was.
I I don't know what I want todo with that, but I feel like we
need to start working towards apetition and some sort of
legislature that you cannotrelease information to news
media for them to report on iffamily or next of kin have not
been notified.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
And I already thought that was a thing.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
It's not.
There have been so manymessages or comments on my
videos that this is how I foundout my brother passed away is
when it was on the five o'clocknews.
This is how my child passedaway is when they were on the
five o'clock news, and that'snot right.
You should not be watching thenews and all of a sudden there
(20:47):
is your loved one's picture, carname.
I don't think that's morally orethically right.
Do you mind if I ask whathappened to the driver?
First was taken to a localhospital because of the severity
of the scene, with three peoplepassing away.
(21:09):
Both her and my brother weretransported.
She had not a scratch on her,no injuries whatsoever, and she
was first in hospital forobservation when they started
doing their astigmatizationwhatever they're, like the eye
(21:32):
test.
So that's when she was underobservation, when she kept
falling asleep, and it wasn'tuntil the second hospital that
they transferred both her and mybrother to.
It wasn't until there that shewas arrested and then released
from the hospital to the countyjail and from there she bailed
out.
Her mom bailed her out and shewalked free for two years and a
(21:57):
lot of people around town sawher driving, which is really
unfortunate because youshouldn't be able to drive, kill
people, continue to drive.
So that was really unfortunate.
But then we did eventually getto trial and after trial was the
sentencing.
(22:17):
After she was found guilty andthe sentencing range that she
was looking at was 12 to 15years and luckily we did have a
really good judge and because ofextenuating circumstances and a
lot of other lawyer jargon thatI don't understand, she
extended it outside of thosenormal sentencing ranges to it
(22:43):
was 20 years for my mom, 20years for my dad, 20 years for
Arthur Anderson and 10 years formy brother for the assault.
And on that point of the assaultthe county they said that it
was the worst assault case thatthe county had ever seen and I
think that in part with killingthree other people was that's
(23:06):
why they decided that they cango for extenuating circumstances
outside of the proposedsentencing range, but they are
to run concurrent, notconsecutive.
So she'll be in jail for atotal of 20 years maximum
instead of 70.
Instead of 70.
(23:30):
But she could still get out onparole or get out on good
behavior, community service,those kinds of things to bring
it back down, but the end of theday, right now it's 20 years
you know that it does notsurprise me that she had hardly
no injuries.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
The the not at all.
Yeah, the guy that hit us, theaccident I was telling you about
he had a broke nose, was in andout of the hospital in no time
and a few days later, oncereality hit, he ended up
committing suicide and his threeor four year old granddaughter
found them in a barn, and nowshe's stuck with that the rest
(24:06):
of her life.
Yeah, it's just this snowballeffect of trauma and just this
endless cycle of things thatcould have been prevented
absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
That's the thing that just sticks with us a lot is
how preventable it could havebeen, because she had 15 or 16
substances in her, in in herbody, on her person, in her car
and 19 boxes of suboxone stripsis like how, how much more can
(24:38):
you possibly take?
There was a full day dedicatedto all the prescriptions and all
the drugs that she had with heron her, in a person and in the
car.
There was a full day dedicatedto all of these things.
And there was a prescription ofI believe it was Alprazolam
that had.
It was supposed to have 240pills in it.
(25:00):
It was just filled the daybefore.
Had she followed theprescription.
At most, eight have been gone,but there were near 78 gone and
I know it's like how can youtake that many?
Speaker 1 (25:15):
was she selling some for cash?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
that I don't know.
They did a fine dance aroundthe defense.
The defense did a fine dancearound.
Just because they were gonedoesn't mean she necessarily
took them.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Because either way, it doesn't matter.
She was still in the wrong andthree people's lives are ended
and countless of people now havetrauma.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
She had admitted to taking and I forget if it was
like an Aleve or an Advil shesaid when they asked have you
taken anything she admitted to?
I forget now, but it was one ofthose two names and the only
thing that they found in her carthat matched that description
was an Advil PM.
(26:03):
An Advil or Aleve, but eitherway, what do you do in taking a
PM drug in the morning beforedriving, like you take that at
night, like there's?
There were so manyinconsistencies with what she
said upon first interrogationversus when there was trial
(26:28):
examination, cross-examination.
There were there's so manyinconsistencies.
It's like you are so beyondguilty.
Which also made it quitefrustrating is because she never
said she was sorry, she neverdid a plea deal, she never tried
to admit or she never showedany attempt of remorse until it
(26:50):
was sentencing, because she hadalready been found guilty.
It was already too late.
So then came the I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, but the thingthat defense kept saying is it
was an unfortunate accident thatcould have happened to anybody
and it just so happened to bethat Miss Ireland was the person
.
We didn't just go to Walmart sayyou did it Like you were
(27:13):
falling asleep when people, whenthe police officers were trying
to ask you questions on scene.
You were literally fallingasleep.
You couldn't keep your eyesopen.
We didn't just pick anybody.
This wasn't just an unfortunateaccident.
It's so preventable that itshould have never happened in
(27:33):
the first place.
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Yeah, has any of her family or anyone tried to reach
out to any of the survivors?
Speaker 2 (27:43):
The only contact that I had was with Miss Ireland's
mom, and I don't necessarilythink this lady is fully aware
of what actually happened.
She was just fed whatever herdaughter told her, and she only
(28:10):
showed up on the one day that itwas the defense's side to share
their version of the story.
Nobody ever came for any of theother moments, except for when
Miss Ireland got up on the standto share her side of the story.
On that day I didn't even knowwho it was.
I later, when I turned aroundand found out, she grabbed my
shoulder and turned me around togive me a hug and said it was
just so unfortunate what thisterrible accident has done.
(28:31):
I didn't know who I was hugging, I was just forced into a hug
and then I realized it was hermom.
But I don't blame her mom orher family, because they are
only believing the informationthat they've been told.
But other than that, no, nobodyhas reached out, nobody has
said anything.
I'm sorry.
A lot more of it has to do withblaming my brother and just
(28:55):
blaming us.
Speaker 1 (28:57):
Oh, blaming the victim, isn't that the way that
it works sometimes, and it makesme so mad.
The tow truck man, did you sayanderson?
Yeah, arthur anderson was itthe same trial?
Speaker 2 (29:12):
yeah, so it was.
The whole trial case was thestate versus miss ireland and it
was all wrapped up in one case.
So it was the three counts ofvehicular homicide and then the
one count of assault ArthurAnderson was.
It was all wrapped up in onecase because it was one crash.
(29:35):
But yeah, I did get to know his.
He had five kids and there werea couple of his kids that he
took in because their father hadpassed away in a similar
incident.
I think it was two or three ofthe kids lost their dad and he
was the tow truck driver thatwent to the scene and found him
(30:01):
passed away Really unfortunate.
And then it happens all overagain.
But you said earlier, it's niceto meet you or nice to see you,
but it's unfortunate thecircumstances of which we meet,
which is like the same thingthat we feel towards Arthur
Anderson's five children.
I've only met three of them,but it's having somebody who
(30:24):
somewhat understands what you'regoing through.
It's like it's there aren'treally words to describe that
relationship.
It's really unfortunate thatnone of us wish that the other
was there, but here we aretrying to get through it
together.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
Yeah, you just made the comment of it's nice having
someone that you can talk tothat understands.
Would you mind give us a coupleof examples of what you have
been told and why this is soimportant to maybe say to people
that are trying to comfortothers during their trauma?
Speaker 2 (31:01):
I did have in the courtroom.
Some people come up and hug meand say congratulations, what a
victory, and I'm going to usethese words.
You just said it's a chapter ofthe book closing, but that does
not mean at all that it's done.
Particularly in our case, we'regoing through the appeal stage
(31:22):
now, even though one chapter isclosed and trial is behind us.
Our car is still on the policeimpound lot, it's still wrapped
up in all these lawyer accountsand these state like one chapter
is closed, but we're just inthe next chapter, and so I did
(31:46):
make that video last night ofsome of the things that people
find I shouldn't even saycomforting, because I don't know
really what goes throughsomebody's mind, but just some
phrases that I've heard in whichpeople say that it's like you
know what.
There might be a little bitmore education behind just
(32:06):
impaired driving here, but moreof the fact what not to say when
somebody is grieving or goingthrough these kinds of
situations, and socongratulations is probably not
one of them that you should sayeither.
Yes, it would have beenabsolutely terrible had she been
(32:27):
found not guilty, but I stilldon't think congratulations is
necessarily the word to use Forme.
In my experience it was more sovalidating that justice finally
came to somebody who deserved ittwo years ago.
And sometimes silence is betterthan saying the wrong thing.
(32:50):
Like even just sitting withsomebody getting a tissue for
them.
How they say actions speaklouder than words.
Like just sitting with somebodycrying with them.
You don't even have to sayanything Because it's a lot to
comprehend, it's a lot of.
For us it was only two years.
(33:11):
Two years felt like an eternity, but I know that there's some
people's cases that take a lotlonger than that, and so there's
just a lot of anticipation andbuildup that just needs to be
decompressed and sometimes itcan come out in that moment.
But it is almost like a shellshock moment, same as when I
(33:33):
first found out and when I wasfirst told both your mom and dad
are gone.
You've got to take a coupleminutes and even a couple hours,
couple days, couple weeks,whatever it may be, to really
let that hit and sink, in thatshe is guilty and she won't be
able to keep walking free, shewon't be able to keep and
(33:55):
maintain her innocence andtrying to convince people that
she's being targeted or thatkind of thing.
But some of the other things arequite interesting when people
say, oh, they were gonna dieanyway, and some of the things
that it quite interesting whenpeople say, oh, they were going
to die anyway, and some of thethings that it's sure that may
be the truth, but is thatnecessarily helpful right now to
(34:16):
somebody who is really sad andgrieving?
And one of the things that Ireally emphasize on my page is
grief is normal.
Grief is a natural part of ourhuman experience and that could
be being happy and excited andthen feeling guilty.
(34:37):
That you're happy and excitedbecause then you remember that
your loved ones aren't here tocelebrate with you and then you
are feeling sad and depressedand guilty.
It is normal and natural tofeel every single range of
emotions from that happy,excited all the way through sad,
depressed, and all of those arepart of the grief process.
(35:00):
That shouldn't be suppressed orshoved aside or away and that
there's no timeline for grief,but having a support system
around you of people not tryingto dismiss that.
Another thing is people who saythose kinds of things are quite
lucky that they don'tunderstand the impact of the
words that they're making.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
And you're so right about the support system.
That's exactly why I startedthis podcast.
When I went through the hatecrime, I needed to normalize
talking about the hard things,because we all have them and if
I just kept it all in, I couldhave turned to drugs and alcohol
and become destructive andended up ending my life somehow
(35:42):
whether it was intentional ordrinking myself to death or
whatever with my attacker'sfingerprints all over my dead
body, and I wasn't going to givethat to him.
He doesn't deserve that.
I don't deserve that.
People ask me all the time whatshould people do?
Speaker 2 (36:00):
I have always been one to bottle my feelings up,
keep them in until there'ssomething that, even if it's
super small, just explodes.
I've always been that kind ofperson.
But since this it has just beenabsolutely too much.
And why I say that there is notimeline to grief is because now
(36:23):
I'm getting to the point whereI've been.
I think around the year mark.
I was getting to the pointwhere people assume that you
should be done.
You should be over it.
It was a year ago.
Move on and it's you know what Ilike posting and making these
videos because there is notimeline to grief there.
(36:44):
There is none.
And especially when you havesomething like this where every
week, every month, there was ameeting with the prosecutors,
new evidence month, there was ameeting with the prosecutors,
new evidence finding out newways that your parents died,
basically, and new crime scenephotos and the different metrics
(37:06):
that they used to use againstand show in trial against the
defense it's every single week,every month, fence.
It's every single week, everymonth, when it's just fresh in
your head, how can you possiblymove forward?
I don't like the term moving on, but I use moving forward
because there's some things younever move on from you, never
(37:29):
move on.
But I really try to moveforward and I've been getting a
lot of time to move on and stopcrying.
But I like posting videosbecause I see so many comments
that just me sitting on thescreen and crying and sharing my
thoughts for the day and saying, hey, it's my birthday, it's my
(37:52):
parents' birthday, it's ananniversary of this or that, or
I found this picture and justletting the tears flow and like
some tears are just so healing.
It is normal to have a good cry, it's normal to have a bad cry,
but it's so much better to havea good cry and that's normal
(38:14):
and natural and I just I reallytry to cry.
I don't try to cry, but I tryand show, like those real and
raw moments, that I'm not goingto tell you you should be over
it.
I didn't experience what youwent through.
I'm not going to tell you toget out If you don't like my
content, you can move on but toshow that this is what I'm going
through after a year and I feellike six months or a year is
(38:38):
people's typical timeline thatyou should be over something.
Speaker 1 (38:40):
I don't think that anyone ever gets over anything.
I think that we learn newcoping mechanisms.
I think we learn how to live ina new normal.
I think that we use the lifeskills and the skills of our
support team to cope with thebad.
The last thing that I want tosay to that is we don't need to
put timelines on things.
(39:02):
That isn't fair, and the momentthat I realized that and I gave
myself permission to feel itchanged everything, it was very
empowering.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
Yeah, I like what you said there about giving
yourself permission.
Just because I continue to cryover the loss of my parents or
thinking about how preventablethis was, that's not.
That's not Miss Ireland keepingthat over me.
That's me allowing myself toprocess things.
(39:36):
My chapter with her technicallywill never be done because she
is such a pivotal unfortunatelya pivotal part in my life.
At the end of the day, she is,but at the same time, I'm good,
I'm done with her.
I don't need to ever see heragain.
I don't need to sit next to heragain.
There was a day when we werewaiting on one of the meetings
(39:58):
that we had to sit next to eachother while waiting on our
lawyers, and it's.
I don't need to see you.
I don't need to.
I'm good with you.
Let me process and move forwardon my own.
But that's not to say that shehas any hold over me.
That's giving ourselvespermission to comprehend and
cope and process.
Speaker 1 (40:19):
One thing that I love that you're doing is you are
bringing awareness, and I thinkthat can make people
uncomfortable, right People?
Maybe it's someone that has hada DUI.
Maybe it's someone that has hada car accident that just got
lucky.
Maybe it's someone that haseven a different kind of trauma
(40:39):
that they just hadn't processedand they don't know how, because
they haven't given themselvespermission and society is
telling them to sit down andshut up.
There's so many factors thatplay into it.
It takes people like us thatare like uh-uh, we're going to
talk.
Absolutely, I can't speak foryou, but we will not be shutting
up.
Speaker 2 (40:57):
No, I've cried many times over this kind of thing.
I can't let this be for nothing.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:04):
I cannot let this be for nothing.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
So my question is and maybe this is something I
should have asked sooner, and soforgive me, but would you mind
and it's okay if you don't wantto, but you've spoken, mr
Anderson would you mind to giveus your mom and dad's name and
then tell us what your goals andplans are with what you're
(41:28):
doing, what you're going to dowith this advocacy for something
that you probably didn't evenknow you were ever going to have
a passion for?
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Exactly.
Yeah, I don't even know whatI'm doing at this point in time.
My mom's name was Karen Stoker,my dad's name was Rick Stoker
and my brother's name is TravisStoker, and that actually was
one.
That was my opening sentence inmy victim's impact statement is
here's my mom, here's my dad,here's who they were, and
thankfully I'm not talking aboutmy brother Travis, in the past
(41:55):
tense, because he was very closeto it and this isn't anything
that I thought was going to bein my life plan.
I just started posting videos asa first.
It was a uplift for otherpeople and then, like I was
saying, I just had to just startletting some of these emotions
(42:16):
out, and I saw a lot of positiveresponses to these kinds of
videos of thank you for publiclygrieving.
I've been afraid to grieve inpublic.
So it's taken a lot ofdifferent turns and a snowball
effect into advocacy.
Advocacy into this is theimpact and effects of impaired
(42:44):
driving, which on the Andersonside for the tow truck business,
inside of things, there was alaw passed because of our case
and it was an Anderson bill theslowdown move over and it
strengthened the slowdown moveover law from just the police
force into any roadsideassistance vehicles, and so that
name is in Anderson or thatbill is in Anderson's name.
(43:07):
But to continue about, I'd liketo start making more or talking
with people more on podcasts ordifferent platforms, to just
extend more than just myplatform talking about it but
then collaborating withdifferent platforms, and this
wasn't even something that I hadever thought of until you
(43:30):
mentioned it.
I have thought about going toour local driver's ed schools
because I personally rememberwhen there was somebody that
came in talking about theeffects of drunk driving and I
think a lot of people when theyhear impaired driving, they
automatically assume drinkingand driving.
(43:52):
But it could be impairedmeaning drinking or drugs or
really anything that impairsyour ability to make decisions
while driving.
And so I have thought aboutgoing to our local schools,
especially when they have promsor homecomings.
They usually have twoassemblies and they have police
(44:13):
come in and sometimes somevictims, like families and
victims, come in and givespeeches at schools and driver's
eds.
And again, I'm just gettingstarted.
But this has to mean something,whether it be on the impaired
and the driver's decisions indriving or hand your keys over
(44:39):
or give somebody a call.
There has actually been acomment on one of my videos that
said you are the reason why Isaw obviously impaired man
stumbling across the parking lotto his car and I called the
police on him so he didn't goout there on the road.
There's so many differentavenues that I probably some
(45:01):
more that I can't even think of.
That has a ripple effect and animpact that I'll just.
I'll keep continuing doing whatI'm doing and we'll see where
it takes me.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
I'm so proud of you and I'm so honored to yeah,
absolutely.
And I'm so honored that youtrusted me and my platform to to
come on and share your storyand be a part of the podcasting
journey.
It is hard work and people askme.
Yeah, and people ask me all thetime, like David, you're
(45:34):
telling your story day in andday out.
What does that do for yourmental health?
And it actually does a lot ofpositive things for it.
I'm connecting with some greatpeople and we're going to change
the world, so a question I'dlike to end on is what do you do
for yourself?
When do you allow yourself tohave those moments of okay, I
(45:57):
want Ashley and Ashley's innerchild to just eat ice cream, I
don't care what it is.
What do you do for yourself?
Speaker 2 (46:04):
Yeah, it's really funny the million things about
eating ice cream.
Yeah, ice cream is my dad'sfavorite thing and absolutely
when I scream I feel like I'mconnecting back with my dad.
It doing things for myself hasbeen a big struggle, not gonna
lie.
There's been a lot of strugglesthat I've been and still
(46:25):
currently working through.
There were a lot of copingskills, such as an artist
painting.
I love it.
I completely gave all of thatup because my parents were my
number one cheerleaders and so Ithink, just going back to what
helped before and workingthrough those mental blocks,
(46:46):
honestly, so far making TikTokshas been my physical relief
because you are speaking it andphysically getting it off your
chest.
That one has definitely made abig impact in my life because I
feel as though also I'm beingheard.
It has completely expanded myinner circle.
(47:15):
I've made so many friends andpeople who understand a glimpse
of what I'm going through.
I like listening to music and Ihave an emotional support
animal.
Ice cream soothes the soulAbsolutely.
But yeah, I've been going live alot this past week on social
media because I cannot allowmyself to spiral down, so I need
(47:38):
to, for myself, choose theother fork in the road and I go
live and I hang out with otherpeople, and the other night a
lot of great people joined andlifted my spirits up.
But then we also cried a lottogether and I let people join
and we cry together and we sitin silence together.
(48:00):
But I think everybody has theirown unique outlet depending on
their likes and interests.
And some people recommended tome journaling.
I don't journal, I'm notdisciplined to, I'm not
self-disciplined to sit down andwrite something out every day.
But I think everybody has anoutlet and exploring what works
(48:22):
for you is a great find once youfigure out what that is, and
there's millions of them outthere.
Speaker 1 (48:30):
Yeah, absolutely, I will end on this will end on
this.
There were parts of me that Ilost.
Trying to recover from mytrauma.
It took a little bit of time,but one day I just woke up and
was like I want to do this againand I loved it.
It was better than ever.
Maybe, when it comes topainting and things like that,
(48:52):
you haven't touched in a while.
Maybe it's not over.
Maybe it's just on pause rightnow and that's okay.
But I want you to remember totake care of yourself, and I
know that it doesn't matter howmany millions of followers you
may end up having or alreadyhave.
I know that none of them willbe as big and powerful as Miss
(49:15):
Karen and Mr Rick, but I'm sohonored to get to know you and
be a cheerleader for you and forthem and watch what you're
doing to allow this or toprevent, to change to all those
things for your community andfurther and beyond.
(49:35):
So thank you for that.
Thank you for all.
Speaker 2 (49:39):
If we don't, if we don't know any better, we can't
acknowledge any better.
Therefore, we're not going tobe doing any better.
So it just starts with sharingand speaking up and, hopefully,
if we all impact three people'slives and they impact three
people's lives, it's it growsexponentially.
Speaker 1 (49:59):
So yeah, here we are, and that wraps up another
powerful episode of survivingabuse.
I want to extend my deepestgratitude to our incredible
guests for sharing theirtransformative journey with us
today.
Join us next week as we diveinto the healing process and
share more incredible stories oftriumph and resilience.
Speaker 2 (50:27):
I'm thinking a good kiss and a bad goodbye.
Now I'm back and I'll pray foryou.
I'm done hurting you.
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