December 27, 2024 • 48 mins
Have you ever wondered what it takes to transform personal trauma into a beacon of hope for others? Join us as we welcome Ms. Trish, a domestic violence survivor, who courageously shares her journey from facing disbelief and skepticism to becoming a powerful advocate on TikTok. Listen to her recount the pivotal moment when another survivor's understanding ignited her resolve to speak out and support others. This episode is filled with Ms. Trish's insights into the importance of self-belief and the therapeutic power of storytelling in overcoming trauma.
Through the lens of Ms. Trish's experiences, we explore the dark realities of trauma bonds and abuse that often start in adolescence. She bravely narrates her transition from infatuation to young motherhood, highlighting the emotional and physical challenges she faced while striving to create a stable family environment amidst escalating abuse. This narrative shines a light on the long-term impact of domestic violence, not just on the victim but also on their children, and underscores the necessity of a supportive community in the healing process.
As we delve into the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship, Ms. Trish shares her ongoing battles for justice and the impact on her family. Her heartfelt stories emphasize the critical role of mental health, therapy, and self-forgiveness in navigating through trauma. Ms. Trish's TikTok handle, "in the mind of me," is a testament to her resilience and determination to empower others through advocacy and awareness. Tune in to hear how she uses her platform to offer guidance and support, proving that every story of pain can evolve into a story of strength and empowerment.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
In every dark tunnel, there's a glimmer of hope.
In every painful moment,there's a strength to heal
anyway what I thought I couldnever get back.
(00:32):
Welcome to Surviving Podcast.
I'm so excited about the guestwe have on today.
I came across some TikToks ofher sharing her story and what
she's went through, so I don'tthink this is needed, but I'm
going to go ahead and just givea trigger warning.
We're talking about domesticviolence and all the things that
go along with it.
We have Ms Trish with us and,girl, thank you for being here.
(00:57):
I'm so excited to be here.
I'm so glad that I'm startingto get into the algorithm of the
topics that I cover, becauseI've just been shooting out
messages like, hey, let'sconnect, and you immediately
responded.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah, no, I saw it and I thought I'm not sure how
real this is.
I'm going to look into it,though.
And then it was just amazinghow quickly we connected and how
we did connect.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
We are going to talk about some deep, dark stuff,
deep dark stuff.
But what's going to be so greatis, I think even just in the
few minutes that we've talked,we've learned to laugh and smile
along the way, because we'regoing to win.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
So start with telling us how you started building
your platform of becoming publicwith your story and what your
story is.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
So for several years now, I have actually felt like I
need to share this story.
I need to help other people inthis situation.
But, being a survivor ofdomestic violence, so many
people that have been in thatsituation feel like they have to
stay quiet, feel like theycan't tell anyone because maybe
the people they have told beforehave shut them down or looked
at them like they were maybeexaggerating things, and so I
(02:05):
wanted to put an end to that,and I had to start with myself.
I finally got the courage oneday and said, all right, I'm
going to do it.
I've probably filmed 25different TikTok videos.
The very first time I ever didone and hated every one of them
and said I don't care, it'sgoing up, it is what it is,
whatever happens.
But the most important thing tome was the amount of people who
(02:25):
connected with it, who saidthat's my story, that's my life,
I'm in it now.
I've been there and that hasbeen the sole purpose this whole
time is just to help at leastone person.
And when you see that you'renot helping just one or two, but
multiple people and thesequestions are coming in with,
how do I help my sister or myfriend, or I've been there.
(02:46):
Where do I go next?
You just feel like you're onthe right track, this is what
you're supposed to be doing, andyou're using your darkness to
bring light to somebody else.
It's the greatest feeling thatthere is.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
It makes it not so in vain, and it's also for myself.
It's a way for me to regainthat control.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yes, I have definitely for years.
It's been 13 years since I'vebeen out of my abusive marriage,
but for years I couldn't talkabout it without crying.
I couldn't even think about itwithout crying.
And now I can talk about itwith a smile on my face and say,
yeah, it was bad, but lookwhere I am today and look what
I'm doing with it today.
I think getting to that pointis so hard and so many people
have a hard time trying tofigure out how do they jump the
obstacles to find happinessagain.
(03:30):
But it is out there.
It is possible.
You just have to startbelieving in yourself and
letting it go.
You have to be willing to getit out there, as scary as it can
be sometimes.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, absolutely.
When my trauma was fresh, I didnot have the choice of deciding
when to release my story.
It was public.
Everyone knew this narrativeabout me that wasn't completely
correct.
So what I used to get offendedabout in the beginning, before I
(04:02):
understood everything, is whenpeople would have the responses
that I didn't care much for,such as are you exaggerating
this?
How truthful is this?
And then I realized that istheir coping mechanism, that is
their way of.
Their brain cannot wrap aroundthe fact that there are monsters
under our beds.
(04:23):
Did you find that?
How did you come to peace withthose forms of responses?
That wasn't too supportive.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
So I think the very first time I ever actually told
anybody this is what's going on,this is what's happening.
And it was after I had alreadyleft my ex-husband my very best
friends.
I sat down and said this is whywe got divorced.
One of them looked me in theeye and said I don't think he
would ever do that to you.
And that was the moment that Ithought I'm keeping it all in
(04:55):
from now on, because if my bestfriend is going to tell me that
I'm lying, then who's going tobelieve anything I say?
And so that was the beginningof me keeping it in.
And then the very first time Ifelt heard was when I actually
spoke to another survivor andinstead of getting those remarks
of why did you stay, he hit youthe first time.
Why didn't you leave?
(05:16):
And, pretty much putting theblame on me, she looked me in
the eyes and said I completelyunderstand.
I've been there and I know it'sa hard thing to get through,
and my parents have been amazingand supportive.
I still don't think to this daythat they can fully understand
why I stay in this situation aslong as I did, but even having
them on my side, that was stillthe very first time I ever felt
(05:38):
like, okay, I'm not alone inthis.
And that feeling stuck with mefor so long, and that's what has
led me to where I am now is ifone person made me feel like
you're not alone in this, thenone person can help somebody
else do the same thing.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
I will never forget the moment when I started doing
sexual assault group therapy andit was me and four to five
other men who were actuallystraight men, four to five other
men who were actually straightmen Sorry and they're my
brothers now.
I love them.
They were all supportive andamazing.
(06:12):
But I will never forget themoment that I was shaking and
crying and telling my story andfeeling so defeated, and when
one of them grabbed my hand andhe said I believe you, it
changed.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Just hearing those words, knowing that somebody is
supporting you, I think, isexactly what you need to take
that next step.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, there's a book that I would recommend, but I
had Dr Heidi Brock on my showand she wrote a book called the
Escape Plan.
Okay, because the first 14 daysor two weeks a person the size
are leaving an unhealthyrelationship is when it's most
dangerous and how many times ittakes to actually leave.
(07:00):
People will leave up to 10times before they're actually
gone.
Yeah, and she has lived thisand is now like a certified
expert on this.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
There's so many people don't understand that
when somebody is in thatposition they can't just pack a
bag and go if they don't havecontrol of their finances, if
they don't have a vehicle, ifthey don't have family, because
a lot of the times that abuseris going to completely isolate
you from everybody and then youhardly have anyone around that
you can turn to.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah, absolutely.
There's this whole groomingprocess that people don't know
that really happens and usuallydon't even notice it.
They slowly started cutting meoff from my finances and they
slowly started cutting me offfrom my family, and then all of
a sudden I'm not allowed to befriends with this person.
And then where do you go?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Absolutely so.
My situation started, like mostdo, with the beginning of the
trauma bond, with the lovebombing stage, and I have never
been the kind of person who saidI love you first.
I always wanted to make sure Iwas sure about it.
But I was also 16 years old andso I met my ex-husband.
(08:11):
I didn't think it was going togo anywhere.
I actually told him I was 17whenever I was 16, because I
thought this is just some randomguy I just met.
Within about a week, he tellsme he loves me and then got
upset because I wouldn't say itback and so finally, just okay,
I love you too, just to shut himup and move on to the next
thing.
We spent a lot of time togetherand then it was like he was my
only friend.
He was the only person I wasallowed to be around, and at
(08:32):
such a young age I don't thinkyou realize that you're not
hanging out with your friendsanymore because you're so
involved with the person you'rewith.
And sure, now I see that therewere a million red flags, but at
the time I was infatuated withthe bad boy and that's how it
started.
So they definitely start withletting you know how important
(08:54):
you are and how special you are,and nobody could ever love you
the way that they love you.
And it comes on fast and thenall of a sudden, next thing you
know, you are alone with justthat person.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
If you don't mind, tell us about your relationship
and those processes frombeginning to end, however you
want to do it and what you'recomfortable with.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Okay, we met very young, 16.
I felt very infatuated with him.
I never felt like early on inthat point that I was in love
with him.
I would tell him I was, justbecause that's what he wanted to
hear.
And I did notice this patternof he wants certain things from
me and he would get upset.
I wouldn't say angry crossinglines by any means yet, but he
(09:40):
would get upset if he didn't getwhat he wanted, even if it was
just a couple of words.
And so I would start giving himwhat he wanted from me, just to
keep the peace.
And there was a time where Isnuck off with him and we're
kids, we're doing things we'renot supposed to be doing and I
ended up pregnant and it wasvery clearly intentional on his
(10:01):
end.
I was by no means ready to be aparent, but it happened.
So we went with it.
And I guess that's when thingsstarted really taking a turn,
because my parents would havenever, ever told me to leave
their house because I waspregnant.
But I definitely felt, no, I'mdone, they're going to kick me
(10:23):
out.
I've screwed up.
I'm running around with the guyI'm not supposed to be running
around with.
Now I'm pregnant, I'm justgoing to go move in with him,
and so that's exactly what I did.
I started now I'm in his homeand he lives with his dad it
started turning to he was just abully.
He would just say mean littlethings and jabs and nothing
physical.
At that point in time juststarted really being demeaning
(10:47):
and stripping away myself-confidence and my
self-esteem.
And that is a huge part oftrauma bonds, because once they
get you hooked, then they starttrying to tear you down because
then they're the only personthat can bring you back up.
So he definitely worked thatpattern with me and I was too
afraid to go home.
I hadn't even told my parents Iwas pregnant at that point.
(11:08):
So I'm too afraid to face themand say, hey, I moved out
because I'm pregnant and alsonot sure how it's going to be
staying with him where we're at.
Things were up in the air a lotin the beginning and we ended up
breaking up right before mydaughter was actually born, a
couple of months before she wasborn, and, um, he showed up to
(11:30):
the hospital whenever I wentinto labor with her without even
trying to.
We just made amends and we hada kid together now.
So I was raised by two veryloving parents and a very loving
home.
I did not have any kind of,they say, daddy issues.
I had nothing like that.
I had a great childhood but Iwas raised to be a family and
(11:55):
I'm young, but I have a child.
I need to be with my child'sfather and that's what led to me
thinking that's where I had tostay, and I think it was a
combination between me feelinglike I needed to make the right
decision and him leaning in onit, as this is what you're going
to do, and him leaning in on it, as this is what you're going
(12:16):
to do.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, I think there's just something in us that
happens where we think a mom anddad should be together, whether
it's because that's what youknow or because that's what
you've for for so long.
Once a baby is involved, once achild is involved, it truly
changes everything.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
It does, and there's a lot of times where people
think a child coming into theirrelationship is going to fix
things.
But if there's already problems, it's just going to add to it.
It changes the entire dynamicof your relationship and it just
makes those stressors evenworse.
And that's pretty much whathappened with us.
I actually stayed with myparents for the first six weeks
after my daughter was born andthen moved back in with him, but
(12:52):
not at his dad's place.
Now we were at hisgrandmother's house.
We stayed there for a littlewhile and we just house hopped
is what we did.
I'm 17.
I have a newborn baby and Ihave no idea where I'm going to
sleep next week.
I might be good for a few dayshere, but I don't really know
where we're going after this,and we ended up finally getting
an apartment together, and thatis when the abuse started to
(13:16):
turn to physical as opposed tojust emotional.
When I had my daughter, my momwas in the room, the nurse was
in the room.
He wasn't there and I was goingto name her after him, and the
nurse and my mom both convincedme that this probably won't last
.
He's not going to stick around.
She needs to have your lastname.
So I gave her my last name andhe believed that was what I had
(13:38):
to do because I wasn't 18.
And I'm not sure if someonetold him, but when she was four
months old he called thehospital and spoke to someone
and they said she could name herwhatever she wanted to.
If she wanted to have your lastname she could have.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
So that was the very first time that he got physical
with me and he just backhandedme.
I say just because of what itprogressed to, but that was the
start of it had you convincedyourself that you were happy and
this is love and this is whatyou deserve, or did you have
that piece of you that was I'monly here temporarily Like where
was your mindset?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
So it was back and forth.
There was a lot of it.
I'm here because I have a childwith you.
I'm here because it's going toget better, because I remember
how you were the first week anda half, two weeks we were
together, because he did get badquickly, but there was just, I
think, because I was young and Ihad a kid and I feel like this
is where we're supposed to be.
(14:31):
I just kept thinking he's notgoing to be like this forever.
He will eventually mature.
I always had in the back of mymind guys mature around 25.
If I can just push it till he's25 years old, we will be just
fine.
And that's what I kept pushingtowards, because I wanted that
happy family.
I did not want to have a childwhose parents were not married,
not divorced.
We already weren't married.
So I'm already one step in thatdirection.
(14:53):
A lot of people that do knowthat I had amazing parents say
why didn't you just call them?
Why didn't you just go to them?
Why didn't you just tell themhey, this is what's going on.
And a lot of times I know forme personally it was the most
embarrassing thing I could havepossibly done my parents who
said he's not worth anything,and I still went after him
(15:15):
anyway and then did not tellthat I was pregnant.
And I think to go up to themand say this is what's going on
would just be saying y'all wereright and I was wrong.
And at 17 years old, that wasthe last thing I wanted to do
was make my parents believe that, hey, y'all were right and I
made a mistake Absolutely.
I'm 36.
And I still, before I make abig decision, think okay, what
(15:38):
would my dad think about this?
I think we respect them so muchthat we don't want to let them
down, and that does hinder ussometimes.
There were times that I couldhave said something, but my
ex-husband had done so manythings proven that his threats
could be very real and I neveractually left him until I left
(16:01):
him.
I talked about it all the timebut I never actually did it
until I left him.
I may be one of the few thatactually did it on the first go,
but it was such a long timecoming.
It was such a buildup.
I was planning mentally thewhole time, but I waited until
he was gone and then made a moveand it definitely backfired.
I feel like too many people.
They just don't understand,especially the ones that are in
(16:26):
that situation currently or havebeen there.
They don't understand that theyhave got to have that support
system behind them too.
And you have to open up topeople, because if nobody knows
what's going on, nobody's goingto be able to help you get out
of it.
And that was a mistake I made.
I didn't have that supportsystem until I went knocking on
the door and saying today's theday we got to do this.
Do you mind if I ask?
Speaker 1 (16:46):
you all have two children.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yes, there was that first assault happened.
There was that first assaulthappened.
That was not the beginning ofthe end, right, okay.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
So I the abuse really picked up quickly because in
that same apartment we moved somuch, we were almost constantly
moving and so we weren't in thatapartment for very long.
But in that apartment it wentfrom being backhanded for the
first time to being knockedunconscious on the concrete
floor that we had.
(17:16):
It was a very quick turn ofevents, from him just being a
little rude and demeaning to allof a sudden being extremely
physical, and during that time Iexperienced a little bit of
nausea, a little bit of sickness, but I thought it's probably
just a bug, it's no big deal,and we ended up moving again.
(17:37):
So we were living out in themiddle of nowhere at this point
in time and my mom said you needto go to the doctor, there's
something going on.
And so I went to the doctorwith her I am now 18 years old
and the doctor says okay, you're24 weeks, like I already knew,
and I said oh, no, I'm notpregnant.
(17:57):
And she said you're 24 weeksalong and I ended up going into
premature labor.
So there was a very short spanin there where I had to register
that I am 18, about to have asecond child, before I actually
had that second child.
There was a lot of trying tofigure out how are we going to
afford two children.
I would take pennies to thegrocery store sometimes just to
(18:17):
make sure that my daughter hadthe food that she needed,
because my ex would worksporadically.
I did not work a lot, but I waspretty much the breadwinner.
So that goes to say a lot aboutthe kind of life that we were
living at that point in time.
And he definitely stoppedcaring about whether or not our
daughter was going to witnessany of the abuse that occurred.
(18:38):
And he ended up one night tyingme up to a kitchen chair.
I was completely naked and hetied me to a kitchen chair using
the cord of my straightener andstarted wailing on me and I
thought maybe we were done.
And next thing I know he hasdrugged me out to the front
porch and kicked me in thestomach several times and left
(18:59):
me there overnight.
So that was definitely one ofthose moments of I've got to get
out.
But I didn't actually know atthat point in time that I was
pregnant.
It wasn't until after that thatI realized that I was pregnant
and it wasn't until about sixmonths ago that epiphany
occurred to me that I finallyhad that kind of eyeopening
moment of when that abuseoccurred.
(19:20):
I was pregnant with my son, andso that was a hard thing for me
to overcome, even over a decadelater.
It's not an easy road foranybody.
I think you're always going tohave those memories, jump back
at you and remember things youdidn't even know that you'd
forgotten.
But I also think that's part ofthe healing 100%.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
I think that your body knows when you're being
proactive and in that healingprocess, and so your body will
start releasing those memories.
I know that it's happened withme that I'll have a memory of
something and think, oh gosh, ifI would have had this memory
six years ago, I'd have lost myshit.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Yeah, I wasn't ready for it.
Yes, I completely agree.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I hate that the kids witness this.
I'm such a believer ingenerational abuse.
You're teaching your daughterto put up with this from a man
Exactly.
You're teaching your daughterthat this is what she deserves
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
I agree.
So my daughter actually Ihaven't actually covered this on
my social media yet she wassexually abused by my ex-husband
when she was five years old andso she having to grow up
watching it happen to her momand then have it happen to her,
she has become the strongestperson that I know because she
(20:45):
has overcome it all.
She helped put him in prison.
She's almost 19 and she's doingeverything she can to help
people in the same typesituation.
So she is absolutely just alittle hero.
But and my son it was reallyhard with him because this
wasn't something that heremembered.
He was so much younger than herthat he couldn't seem to put
(21:08):
together that his biologicalfather was not the guy that he
thought that he was.
But I also wasn't going to sitthere and talk badly about him.
And so he was probably abouteight whenever he finally
realized that, when he hadn'tseen him since he was three.
But we didn't share all thedark stuff with them until he
was a little bit older, and thenhe didn't get all the really
(21:29):
dark stuff until he was about 13.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
The story that I came across that I would love for
you to touch on, because I feellike it's full of information,
of things that people don'trealize.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
But the story I think it was multiple parts- so this
was actually the night that Idecided I'm done, I'm leaving,
and I had called him before that, prior he had gone out of state
to work and I thought this isit, this is my chance.
I shouldn't have called him,but I picked up the phone and
just let him know hey, I'm notgoing to be here when you get
(22:02):
back.
So best of luck.
And he ended up driving backfrom two States away, driving
back to Texas, and showed up thenext day where I worked and
there was an altercation in theparking lot.
And then we go home andultimately, what happened was he
decided he was going to leaveme and he took the kids from me
(22:25):
and he had broken my cell phone,cut up my debit card, and so I
had no means to do anything atthat point in time, but I didn't
know if I needed to just jumpto go to my parents' house.
What do I do?
Because it was not normalbehavior for him.
He had never taken the kidsbefore, and so I'm thinking
(22:46):
he'll be back.
He's just going to drive downthe road, cool off.
He'll come back, because he hasdefinitely threatened to leave
before, and when he didn't comeback and didn't come back.
I stayed up all night long andthought surely any minute now.
And so the next morning, at thesoonest time I possibly could,
I went to my parents' house andI said, okay, he took the kids
and I think I know where theyare, but we have to go now.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Welcome to the process of healing.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Have you ever experienced trauma?
Are there negative thoughtsthat have more control over you
than you would like?
If so, know that you are notalone.
David and I, as well as so manyothers, have been right where
you are now.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
We all carry experiences that can leave a
scar, but know this, you don'thave to carry this burden alone
In the process of healing.
We'll help you navigate throughthe pain and find the strength
to reclaim your life.
We'll tackle everything fromunderstanding trauma, building
healthy coping mechanisms,hearing inspiring survivor
stories and get our personalizedthoughts on topics around
(23:50):
mental health and healing.
Healing is a journey, not adestination.
It's time to start the processof healing.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
And so my mom and I loaded up.
We drove an hour and a half.
I knew the apartment complexthat his sister had lived in,
but I could not remember whichapartment was actually hers.
And so I went to the manager'soffice and very much sweet
talked her, made it sound like Iwas just a silly girl who
forgot the apartment number.
But she has my kids and she wasjust babysitting and I've got
(24:23):
to pick them up so she can go towork.
And so she hinted the vicinityto me and I got the wrong door
twice and made people very angrythat I was beating on their
door so hard.
Finally got to hers, knew ithad to be hers, because here
comes the manager.
She is furious that I amknocking on all these doors.
She sees that obviously I'm notthere for the reason I said I
(24:43):
was there for, and his sisternever opened the door.
And then all of a sudden, copsshow up and he shows up.
This is fantastic.
This works out great for mebecause he took the kids from me
, so this will just be supereasy.
So he gets up the stairs, copscome and talk to us and
ultimately the decision was thatwe were married and so we
(25:06):
didn't have a custody agreementand it didn't matter that his
sister should have opened thatdoor and let me have those kids.
It did not matter that shedidn't have anything to do with
them.
He was now there and since hewas there and he was their dad,
there was nothing I could do toget them.
And so I'm walking down thesteps looking at my mom and I
(25:29):
said I'm going to freaking killhim.
And this other cop looked at meand said I want you to know
that my brother's wife is doingthe same thing to him right now.
She took the kids and moved outof state and now she won't let
him see them.
And I'm thinking this is whathe's doing to me.
Y'all are allowing him to dothis to me.
And I drove away without my kids.
I'm watching him as we'redriving away with just a shitty
(25:52):
grin on his face, like he'd won.
And at that moment I got themthat night, but it was the most
defeated I had felt through thatentire process.
He definitely took them becausehe knew it would hurt me and he
definitely kept them because heknew it would hurt me, and I
think that he really thoughtthat there might still be a
chance for us.
So he called me that afternoonand said I'll meet you if you
(26:14):
want to get them.
And so I met him, got the kidsand I played the part.
I told him I loved him, I toldhim it was fine, I gave him a
hug.
You go back to your sisters,though.
I'm going to my mom's, so justgo back to your sisters.
And the moment I drove away Icouldn't even breathe.
(26:40):
I thought did I really just dothat?
Did I really just get the kids?
And that was finite.
Like I knew at that point, Iwill never go back.
I did go back, but at thatpoint I thought I can never be
in this situation again.
I can never do this again.
So I don't know.
I guess he thought that therewas a glimmer of hope and that
if he did this good deed and letme have the kids, that maybe we
would still be together.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
So what led to the final goodbye?
Speaker 2 (27:00):
We actually were divorced in May of 2009.
So I left him in March and then, within 60 days, our divorce
was finalized and I thought,okay, that's it, I'm done.
From my teens I hadn't had thefun going out with my friends
(27:26):
and I didn't get to go to thebar when I turned 21.
There were so many things Ithought that I had missed out on
, but I thought, okay, I want todo something and have some fun.
And so I met some girls and westarted going out and having a
good time and we lived nearAustin, texas, at the time.
And so one night we went toSixth Street and one of my
friends happened to see myex-husband and, instead of just
(27:47):
walking the other direction, sheactually got him, brought him
to the club that we were at.
We're all drinking, we're allhaving a good time, and one
thing led to another.
And next thing, you know, Iwake up and he's in my apartment
with me.
I was already planning onmoving.
I was moving in a couple ofmonths, so I'm thinking, okay,
if he's going to stay here, thenI know, in a couple months I
(28:08):
can get him out then.
But it was almost like itwasn't a decision that I made to
go back.
It almost felt like I had justbeen caged in again, like I had
been hunted for so long.
And he finally got me again.
And I'm thinking how do I getout?
Because at that point, how do Itell my parents?
Hey, he just woke up in my bedand so I felt like I was once
(28:29):
again fighting this completelyalone, and so we ended up.
He stayed there for quite awhile and when it was time for
me to move to my new apartment,I got in and ended up making
some really good friends whodefinitely were protecting me,
who would sit outside of my doorall hours of the night to make
(28:51):
sure he didn't show up.
And he did come knock on thedoor on Father's Day of 2010.
And he knocked on my front doorand then came and knocked on
the window and the kids bothlooked at me and said Dad's here
, and my heart just dropped.
And here comes one of my reallybig guy who liked to look out
(29:13):
for me.
He walked around and he droveoff and that was the end of it,
never tried to come back aroundagain, and there were definitely
still interactions where hewould try to send me messages or
try to call me or try to makeme mad through a friend just
really childish behavior.
But I was already so done whenI left the first time and it
(29:33):
didn't feel like a decision tobe back with him.
So I think it was almost likejust planning a prison escape
that second time of okay, how doI just get the ducks in the
road to just get out again andstay out for good?
Speaker 1 (29:48):
When your friend went and got him and brought him
into the bar facility that youwere at, did she have ill intent
with that?
Did she think that she wasdoing something?
Speaker 2 (29:58):
good.
She was actually one of thefriends who I had already told
and did not believe me.
So she thought my ex-husbandwas very attractive, and so
that's all she ever talked aboutwas how hot he was.
If I'm being real honest, Ithink that she brought him for
her own benefit and it backfiredin her face.
I think she was trying to makeme mad by bringing him and
having him dance with her, andthat's not what he wanted, and
(30:19):
so I think it was ill-intended,but not in the way that it ended
up being.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
When the kids were saying Daddy's here was there
fear of Daddy being there.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
My son always tried to feed off of our emotions and
he would always look at hissister, so he would look at her
to see how is she reacting, whatis her face telling me?
He was very excited at first,and then he saw that she was not
happy and so he quickly turnedand then was he was like three
or four at the time and was likego away, daddy, go away, daddy,
(30:57):
just trying to.
He had no idea what was goingon.
He was just trying to vibe offeverybody else.
But yeah, my daughterdefinitely, and at that time it
was shortly after that that Ifound out about her sexual abuse
.
It had been going on during thevery few times that he would
actually have visitations withthe kids and it was shortly
after that that I found outabout that.
(31:17):
So that was the last time thatthey ever saw him was father's
day of 2010.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Sometimes you just have to read and process things.
Did your son go through anyabuse on his end other than, of
course, witnessing and verbal?
Speaker 2 (31:33):
He remembers one thing about the entire situation
and that is that daddy threwyour papers in the sink.
I went to cosmetology schooland was putting together a
lookbook and he did.
He had ripped the pages out andthrew them in the sink and
turned the water on.
That is the only thing that myson remembers from that entire
situation.
But I could almost guaranteethat he was sexually abused as
(31:58):
well.
Just, he's almost 18 now, butthroughout his life there has
been a lot of anger.
There's been a lot of.
We've had lots of counselingwith both the kids but him
especially, with anger andoutbursts and he's ADHD.
But there was questions ofwhether or not maybe he was
bordering bipolar, just becausehe did not know why he was so
mad.
He just knew that he was.
(32:18):
And there was lots of things ashe would get older and would
hit puberty that I thought he Ireally, truly believe that he
was sexually abused.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
He just doesn't remember it did I hear you
correctly that he's in prison?
What led to that?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
because that is not where.
I realized the story was goingso actually finding out what had
happened to my daughter was awhole thing on its own, because
he told her that if she evertold me that they would take her
away from me, whoever they was,but they would take her away
from me and she would never seeme again.
And so my parents actuallylived in Ecuador at the time and
(33:02):
they had flown in and they werestaying with us, and she told
my mom that this is what'shappened to me.
So my mom asked my daughterdoes your mother know?
And she said yes, because shethought if I tell her mom, no,
she won't tell mom and thennobody will take me away from
her.
And so I get a phone call frommy mom wondering why I know this
(33:23):
and have done nothing about it.
And it was just this wholeconversation with her trying to
figure out what she's actuallytelling me, trying to process
this as she's trying to processwhat she's heard.
That same afternoon we hadmultiple cops and detectives
over at the house.
They were asking questions, andso she had a forensic interview
(33:44):
, and the only thing we told herwas you just need to tell them
the truth about what happened.
Of course they're wearingstreet clothes.
They don't look like cops inthis interview.
And she's five years old and itdoes make me giggle now.
But we walked out to the pickupand she climbs in.
She had not said a word, shedidn't open up at all, but she
gets to the pickup and goes.
I sure wish a cop would ask mewhat happened.
And I thought, oh baby, thatwas the cops.
(34:08):
She opened up to her counselorand then all of a sudden,
counselors, family members, sixor she's gone and she was our
next hope to get it pushedforward, to get it taken care of
.
And honestly, at that point Ijust kept looking at my daughter
thinking I'm just forcing youto go talk to people to relive
this over and over, just so wecan get some justice, and I
(34:28):
can't keep doing that.
Had her in counseling, didn'tcare if they talked about it or
not, just wanted her to getbetter and we just let it go.
We forgot about it and I guessshe was 10.
She just came up to me onenight.
I'm probably going to getemotional here.
She came up to me one night andsaid I just feel like my
heart's been locked up in jailand I want to tell somebody.
(34:52):
And I said okay.
So I took her to counseling andshe opened up and said this is
what's been on my mind and thisis what happened and this is
what's going on.
And it started a process there.
But it was fighting that I hadalready remarried at this point
in time and we were trying torevoke my ex-husband's rights
(35:12):
from the kids, and so we weregoing through that and then
trying to deal with what shejust opened up with again and
ended up.
My ex-husband had the option ofyou can either pay the $40,000
in back child support or signover your rights, and so he
selected to sign over his rights, and so my husband adopted my
children and then, shortly afterthat, we got another phone call
(35:36):
saying, okay, there's beensomebody else that has spoken up
and said that he's donesomething to them.
And this wasn't the first I'dheard of this, because while we
were married and I didn'tbelieve it at the time, but
while we were married we hadgone out one night, left our
friends.
We had a bad altercation in theparking lot, so he didn't want
his friends to see me with ablack eye and a bloody nose, so
(35:58):
we left them.
Their 12-year-old twin daughterswere babysitting our kids and I
wasn't allowed to go in thehouse to get the kids.
He was in for a lot longer thanhe should have.
And then all of a sudden Iheard that he'd done things to
those girls but nothing evercame of it.
And so I thought surely not,surely he's not that guy.
It was a pattern that I hadheard of, ignored, didn't
(36:18):
believe, and then all of asudden, saw firsthand and saw it
just getting out of control.
And the moment my daughterrealized that there's somebody
else involved in this too, shesaid I don't care, I'm taking
the stand.
She was 10 years old and shewas ready to go.
She got up and she testifiedand he got a 40 year sentence.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Yeah, and this was what year.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
This was in 2016.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Oh wow.
In 40 years, Do you and yourdaughter feel that justice has
been served?
Speaker 2 (36:45):
I thought I did Some days I do Some days I think he's
where he should be, but thenother days I think he's still
alive and I know that's so wrong, but I just feel like he has
hurt so many people Through thisprocess.
We've learned of so manydifferent women that he has
abused after me and so manypeople that he has hurt and he's
(37:07):
still breathing air and it'sjust so frustrating sometimes.
And then the fear kind of setsin of what if he gets parole or
what if he gets out early, and Idon't think that's ever going
to go away until I know thathe's underground.
But for the most part the factthat he's not walking around
freely for right now it's thebest justice we can have.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
You said your 10-year-old daughter saying her
heart felt like it had been injail.
It hurts to hear an adult saythat and the fact that a
10-year-old child knows how toput those words together.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
Yeah, as I'm painting her toenails, she's sitting in
the living room and just all ofa sudden comes out with that and
I'm thinking, okay, what do weneed to do?
As I'm internally freaking out,trying to keep my composure,
because she's ready.
She's so strong and she alwayshas been.
She got me through my marriagebecause, even though she
(38:06):
shouldn't have been seeing anyof it or hearing a thing, she
was always running up to me,squeezing me tight.
In just her own little way sheprotected me and I hate that she
had to play that role, but shedid, and she is the complete
opposite of what you would thinkshe would have grown up to be.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
It's just amazing watching her, yeah you're a good
mom and you are a strong womanand you put your kids first, and
even at the age when you were ababy, having a baby, for her to
be at 10 years old, to be so intouch times like this is when I
believe the whole like old soulkind of thing, like you've been
(38:48):
here before.
She was your daughter for areason.
You know what I mean.
That's where my mind goes withstories like this Absolutely,
you're taught to in order to bea man.
You don't cry, you shuteverything down.
You, if you're mad, you sitdown and shut up and you're and
drink a beer about it, or youand your buddy go out and fist
(39:10):
fight about it, and that's whatleads to the downfall of your
mental health.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Within the last few years.
He has always been somebodythat you just have to know how
to talk to, because a lot ofkids, discipline works.
But you got to find the rightdiscipline and with him it was
always the super calm.
I'm at your level and I'm goingto talk to you lovingly and
tell you this is what you didand there are consequences.
(39:40):
But you could not be super firmwith him Because if you did, he
would go off the rails and hehas definitely come a very long
way.
But it has taken me a very longtime to try to figure out how to
help him not become anarcissist, because what he saw
(40:02):
and because he felt like hecouldn't express anything, and
so I'm huge on if you need tocry, you cry.
If you need to yell, you yell.
Both of my kids are still athome right now.
They're 17 and 18 and they areat each other's throats
constantly.
But I always tell them vent tome.
If you want to talk bad aboutyour sister, talk bad about your
(40:22):
sister.
I will hear it because you needto get it off your chest.
But don't ask me to fix it.
I'm not going to fix it, but Iwill listen to it and I think
it's helped him a lot to let goof some stuff, to feel like he
can have feelings and he canfeel a certain way.
But there is still I thinkthere's always going to be that
lingering fear of is he evergoing to get pushed to where he
(40:44):
crosses the line just because ofwhat he has been exposed to?
Speaker 1 (40:48):
What terrifies me just in general is when people
do not believe in mental health.
Even on my best days I still gosee my therapist.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
I agree with that completely.
Too many people don't thinkmental health is important or
necessary or that they can do iton their own.
And I think that's one of thebiggest mistakes is trying to
get through anything.
Even if you have no real traumain your life you just might've
had a bad day.
You don't need to try to getthrough anything on your own
because it just keeps piling up.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
Absolutely own, because it just keeps piling up.
Yeah, absolutely.
And so I'm so glad that you,from the beginning, it doesn't
seem that you ever had anyreservations on therapy and
having the kids be active andmaking that mental awareness a
topic in your home.
What an important conversationto have.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
Exactly.
It was such a life alteringthing to go through that you
will never be the same personthat you were before, and that's
okay as long as you have theresources, and I think that's.
People need to see that side ofit.
They need to see that it wasugly and it was bad.
You can get through it withoutforgetting about it, because
(42:02):
it's probably not ever going tobe over, but it's going to be
better.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
Yeah, I tell people all the time I don't think that
it is ever over and I know thatsounds so scary, but I think in
these situations is we learn tocope with it.
I know when I'm having a momentand I'll allow myself the time
(42:26):
to explore that.
I have learned how to cope andmanage and I've learned how to
give myself permission and to bekind to myself.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
Yes, and that's so important.
You have to be able to forgiveyourself if you feel like you
need to be forgiven, but youalso have to be able to realize
that not everything is yourfault, and I think you are
showing so many people that itis okay to still think about
things, but it's what you dowith the rest of your day that
matters the most.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Yeah, absolutely so.
We've had such an emotionalrollercoaster of a ride.
But let's talk about somethingpositive for a minute.
As we start closing out, you'rebuilding such a good, powerful
(43:19):
community and platform on TikTok, so I guess this will be a
two-part question A did youthink this was going to happen?
And B what are you going to dowith it now?
What are your goals with it?
Speaker 2 (43:35):
Okay.
So I really thought I'm goingto put a video up and it might
get 20 likes, maybe 200 views.
I think that very first day thefirst video had 15,000 views.
And I'm thinking what is goingon?
People actually want to hearabout this stuff.
And so then my, my next thoughtwas I bet the comments are
probably going to be all ugly oryou know how social media can
(43:59):
be and surprisingly, it was theexact opposite.
It was people reaching out,asking for help or asking
questions or saying I've beenthere, or just giving sympathy,
and so I thought, okay, I'll doanother one.
And then it did the same thing.
Never did I dream that it wouldpick up this traction.
I did not think it was going togo anywhere.
(44:20):
I was a little embarrassed tostart doing it because I thought
I know eventually the peoplethat I know are going to see it,
and this is something that I donot have any secrets about.
I will speak on any part of it.
But I also don't just walkaround and tell people hi, I'm
Trish and I was abused.
So there's still several peoplewho are not close enough to me
(44:40):
that don't know my story, and sothere was a lot of wanting to
hide in a corner and just notlet anybody see me for a while,
and then I think the good justreally showed itself really
quickly.
Honestly, I really want to getto the point where I can travel
and start talking to youngerkids girls, boys, it doesn't
matter.
I think that's another thingthat needs to be so pointed out
(45:03):
is domestic violence almostalways is looked at as the
woman's being abused, andwhether it's a heterosexual,
homosexual, it doesn't matterwhat kind of relationship it is.
But if it's a man and a womanmarried, that woman can still be
the man.
A man can still be abused by awoman, and there's just so many
misconceptions to what domesticviolence actually is and how it
(45:24):
takes place, and I just wantpeople to be more aware, more
the outsiders, more the peoplewho've never been involved who
ask those questions that justhit a nerve and make you want to
scream in their face.
I want them to have a betterunderstanding, because if they
can understand better, then theycan help people in that
situation.
The people in the situationneed that support more than they
(45:45):
need anything.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
Have you thought about writing a book or anything
?
Speaker 2 (45:51):
So I'm actually in the middle of writing a book.
I started about two years agoand then I just completely
stopped dead in my tracks abouta year ago and my daughter has
been on my case about it.
So I'm hoping within maybe thenext six months I'll have it
finished.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
Trish, you inspire me and I watch your videos and
you're so beautiful, you're sowell-spoken, you're doing the
hard things and I'm so glad thatour paths crossed and that one
day I'm going to turn on the TVand you're going to be in Times
Square like promoting yourbestselling book, and I'll be
(46:28):
like, oh, I was her very firstpodcast.
Very first Tell all of us,where we can follow you on
TikTok and any message thatmaybe you want to throw out to
the listeners.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
So you can find me on TikTok at in the mind of me and
I think the most importantthing is, if you watch the
videos, first and foremost, knowthat it is for me trying to
help other people.
I hate so much when people feelsorry for me or have so much
sympathy for me because I'm okay, I have moved past it and I'm
(47:07):
okay.
So I want to work with otherpeople to get everybody else
where I'm at and where you're attoday.
And I think the most importantthing is have an open mind, do
not assume about any situationand if you think that somebody
might be going through something, then start asking the right
questions and get some help.
Just don't let people suffer insilence.
Speaker 1 (47:28):
I want to extend my deepest gratitude to our
incredible guests for sharingtheir transformative journey
with us today.
Join us next week as we diveinto the healing process and
share more incredible stories oftriumph and resilience.
Now I'm back and I'll pray foryou.
(47:51):
I'm done hurting.
In every dark tunnel, there's a glimmer of hope.
In every painful moment,there's a strength to heal
anyway what I thought I couldnever get back.
(00:32):
Welcome to Surviving Podcast.
I'm so excited about the guestwe have on today.
I came across some TikToks ofher sharing her story and what
she's went through, so I don'tthink this is needed, but I'm
going to go ahead and just givea trigger warning.
We're talking about domesticviolence and all the things that
go along with it.
We have Ms Trish with us and,girl, thank you for being here.
(00:57):
I'm so excited to be here.
I'm so glad that I'm startingto get into the algorithm of the
topics that I cover, becauseI've just been shooting out
messages like, hey, let'sconnect, and you immediately
responded.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Yeah, no, I saw it and I thought I'm not sure how
real this is.
I'm going to look into it,though.
And then it was just amazinghow quickly we connected and how
we did connect.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
We are going to talk about some deep, dark stuff,
deep dark stuff.
But what's going to be so greatis, I think even just in the
few minutes that we've talked,we've learned to laugh and smile
along the way, because we'regoing to win.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
So start with telling us how you started building
your platform of becoming publicwith your story and what your
story is.
Speaker 2 (01:42):
So for several years now, I have actually felt like I
need to share this story.
I need to help other people inthis situation.
But, being a survivor ofdomestic violence, so many
people that have been in thatsituation feel like they have to
stay quiet, feel like theycan't tell anyone because maybe
the people they have told beforehave shut them down or looked
at them like they were maybeexaggerating things, and so I
(02:05):
wanted to put an end to that,and I had to start with myself.
I finally got the courage oneday and said, all right, I'm
going to do it.
I've probably filmed 25different TikTok videos.
The very first time I ever didone and hated every one of them
and said I don't care, it'sgoing up, it is what it is,
whatever happens.
But the most important thing tome was the amount of people who
(02:25):
connected with it, who saidthat's my story, that's my life,
I'm in it now.
I've been there and that hasbeen the sole purpose this whole
time is just to help at leastone person.
And when you see that you'renot helping just one or two, but
multiple people and thesequestions are coming in with,
how do I help my sister or myfriend, or I've been there.
(02:46):
Where do I go next?
You just feel like you're onthe right track, this is what
you're supposed to be doing, andyou're using your darkness to
bring light to somebody else.
It's the greatest feeling thatthere is.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
It makes it not so in vain, and it's also for myself.
It's a way for me to regainthat control.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Yes, I have definitely for years.
It's been 13 years since I'vebeen out of my abusive marriage,
but for years I couldn't talkabout it without crying.
I couldn't even think about itwithout crying.
And now I can talk about itwith a smile on my face and say,
yeah, it was bad, but lookwhere I am today and look what
I'm doing with it today.
I think getting to that pointis so hard and so many people
have a hard time trying tofigure out how do they jump the
obstacles to find happinessagain.
(03:30):
But it is out there.
It is possible.
You just have to startbelieving in yourself and
letting it go.
You have to be willing to getit out there, as scary as it can
be sometimes.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
Yeah, absolutely.
When my trauma was fresh, I didnot have the choice of deciding
when to release my story.
It was public.
Everyone knew this narrativeabout me that wasn't completely
correct.
So what I used to get offendedabout in the beginning, before I
(04:02):
understood everything, is whenpeople would have the responses
that I didn't care much for,such as are you exaggerating
this?
How truthful is this?
And then I realized that istheir coping mechanism, that is
their way of.
Their brain cannot wrap aroundthe fact that there are monsters
under our beds.
(04:23):
Did you find that?
How did you come to peace withthose forms of responses?
That wasn't too supportive.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
So I think the very first time I ever actually told
anybody this is what's going on,this is what's happening.
And it was after I had alreadyleft my ex-husband my very best
friends.
I sat down and said this is whywe got divorced.
One of them looked me in theeye and said I don't think he
would ever do that to you.
And that was the moment that Ithought I'm keeping it all in
(04:55):
from now on, because if my bestfriend is going to tell me that
I'm lying, then who's going tobelieve anything I say?
And so that was the beginningof me keeping it in.
And then the very first time Ifelt heard was when I actually
spoke to another survivor andinstead of getting those remarks
of why did you stay, he hit youthe first time.
Why didn't you leave?
(05:16):
And, pretty much putting theblame on me, she looked me in
the eyes and said I completelyunderstand.
I've been there and I know it'sa hard thing to get through,
and my parents have been amazingand supportive.
I still don't think to this daythat they can fully understand
why I stay in this situation aslong as I did, but even having
them on my side, that was stillthe very first time I ever felt
(05:38):
like, okay, I'm not alone inthis.
And that feeling stuck with mefor so long, and that's what has
led me to where I am now is ifone person made me feel like
you're not alone in this, thenone person can help somebody
else do the same thing.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
I will never forget the moment when I started doing
sexual assault group therapy andit was me and four to five
other men who were actuallystraight men, four to five other
men who were actually straightmen Sorry and they're my
brothers now.
I love them.
They were all supportive andamazing.
(06:12):
But I will never forget themoment that I was shaking and
crying and telling my story andfeeling so defeated, and when
one of them grabbed my hand andhe said I believe you, it
changed.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Just hearing those words, knowing that somebody is
supporting you, I think, isexactly what you need to take
that next step.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, there's a book that I would recommend, but I
had Dr Heidi Brock on my showand she wrote a book called the
Escape Plan.
Okay, because the first 14 daysor two weeks a person the size
are leaving an unhealthyrelationship is when it's most
dangerous and how many times ittakes to actually leave.
(07:00):
People will leave up to 10times before they're actually
gone.
Yeah, and she has lived thisand is now like a certified
expert on this.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
There's so many people don't understand that
when somebody is in thatposition they can't just pack a
bag and go if they don't havecontrol of their finances, if
they don't have a vehicle, ifthey don't have family, because
a lot of the times that abuseris going to completely isolate
you from everybody and then youhardly have anyone around that
you can turn to.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah, absolutely.
There's this whole groomingprocess that people don't know
that really happens and usuallydon't even notice it.
They slowly started cutting meoff from my finances and they
slowly started cutting me offfrom my family, and then all of
a sudden I'm not allowed to befriends with this person.
And then where do you go?
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Absolutely so.
My situation started, like mostdo, with the beginning of the
trauma bond, with the lovebombing stage, and I have never
been the kind of person who saidI love you first.
I always wanted to make sure Iwas sure about it.
But I was also 16 years old andso I met my ex-husband.
(08:11):
I didn't think it was going togo anywhere.
I actually told him I was 17whenever I was 16, because I
thought this is just some randomguy I just met.
Within about a week, he tellsme he loves me and then got
upset because I wouldn't say itback and so finally, just okay,
I love you too, just to shut himup and move on to the next
thing.
We spent a lot of time togetherand then it was like he was my
only friend.
He was the only person I wasallowed to be around, and at
(08:32):
such a young age I don't thinkyou realize that you're not
hanging out with your friendsanymore because you're so
involved with the person you'rewith.
And sure, now I see that therewere a million red flags, but at
the time I was infatuated withthe bad boy and that's how it
started.
So they definitely start withletting you know how important
(08:54):
you are and how special you are,and nobody could ever love you
the way that they love you.
And it comes on fast and thenall of a sudden, next thing you
know, you are alone with justthat person.
Speaker 1 (09:07):
If you don't mind, tell us about your relationship
and those processes frombeginning to end, however you
want to do it and what you'recomfortable with.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Okay, we met very young, 16.
I felt very infatuated with him.
I never felt like early on inthat point that I was in love
with him.
I would tell him I was, justbecause that's what he wanted to
hear.
And I did notice this patternof he wants certain things from
me and he would get upset.
I wouldn't say angry crossinglines by any means yet, but he
(09:40):
would get upset if he didn't getwhat he wanted, even if it was
just a couple of words.
And so I would start giving himwhat he wanted from me, just to
keep the peace.
And there was a time where Isnuck off with him and we're
kids, we're doing things we'renot supposed to be doing and I
ended up pregnant and it wasvery clearly intentional on his
(10:01):
end.
I was by no means ready to be aparent, but it happened.
So we went with it.
And I guess that's when thingsstarted really taking a turn,
because my parents would havenever, ever told me to leave
their house because I waspregnant.
But I definitely felt, no, I'mdone, they're going to kick me
(10:23):
out.
I've screwed up.
I'm running around with the guyI'm not supposed to be running
around with.
Now I'm pregnant, I'm justgoing to go move in with him,
and so that's exactly what I did.
I started now I'm in his homeand he lives with his dad it
started turning to he was just abully.
He would just say mean littlethings and jabs and nothing
physical.
At that point in time juststarted really being demeaning
(10:47):
and stripping away myself-confidence and my
self-esteem.
And that is a huge part oftrauma bonds, because once they
get you hooked, then they starttrying to tear you down because
then they're the only personthat can bring you back up.
So he definitely worked thatpattern with me and I was too
afraid to go home.
I hadn't even told my parents Iwas pregnant at that point.
(11:08):
So I'm too afraid to face themand say, hey, I moved out
because I'm pregnant and alsonot sure how it's going to be
staying with him where we're at.
Things were up in the air a lotin the beginning and we ended up
breaking up right before mydaughter was actually born, a
couple of months before she wasborn, and, um, he showed up to
(11:30):
the hospital whenever I wentinto labor with her without even
trying to.
We just made amends and we hada kid together now.
So I was raised by two veryloving parents and a very loving
home.
I did not have any kind of,they say, daddy issues.
I had nothing like that.
I had a great childhood but Iwas raised to be a family and
(11:55):
I'm young, but I have a child.
I need to be with my child'sfather and that's what led to me
thinking that's where I had tostay, and I think it was a
combination between me feelinglike I needed to make the right
decision and him leaning in onit, as this is what you're going
to do, and him leaning in on it, as this is what you're going
(12:16):
to do.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Yeah, I think there's just something in us that
happens where we think a mom anddad should be together, whether
it's because that's what youknow or because that's what
you've for for so long.
Once a baby is involved, once achild is involved, it truly
changes everything.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
It does, and there's a lot of times where people
think a child coming into theirrelationship is going to fix
things.
But if there's already problems, it's just going to add to it.
It changes the entire dynamicof your relationship and it just
makes those stressors evenworse.
And that's pretty much whathappened with us.
I actually stayed with myparents for the first six weeks
after my daughter was born andthen moved back in with him, but
(12:52):
not at his dad's place.
Now we were at hisgrandmother's house.
We stayed there for a littlewhile and we just house hopped
is what we did.
I'm 17.
I have a newborn baby and Ihave no idea where I'm going to
sleep next week.
I might be good for a few dayshere, but I don't really know
where we're going after this,and we ended up finally getting
an apartment together, and thatis when the abuse started to
(13:16):
turn to physical as opposed tojust emotional.
When I had my daughter, my momwas in the room, the nurse was
in the room.
He wasn't there and I was goingto name her after him, and the
nurse and my mom both convincedme that this probably won't last
.
He's not going to stick around.
She needs to have your lastname.
So I gave her my last name andhe believed that was what I had
(13:38):
to do because I wasn't 18.
And I'm not sure if someonetold him, but when she was four
months old he called thehospital and spoke to someone
and they said she could name herwhatever she wanted to.
If she wanted to have your lastname she could have.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
So that was the very first time that he got physical
with me and he just backhandedme.
I say just because of what itprogressed to, but that was the
start of it had you convincedyourself that you were happy and
this is love and this is whatyou deserve, or did you have
that piece of you that was I'monly here temporarily Like where
was your mindset?
Speaker 2 (14:11):
So it was back and forth.
There was a lot of it.
I'm here because I have a childwith you.
I'm here because it's going toget better, because I remember
how you were the first week anda half, two weeks we were
together, because he did get badquickly, but there was just, I
think, because I was young and Ihad a kid and I feel like this
is where we're supposed to be.
(14:31):
I just kept thinking he's notgoing to be like this forever.
He will eventually mature.
I always had in the back of mymind guys mature around 25.
If I can just push it till he's25 years old, we will be just
fine.
And that's what I kept pushingtowards, because I wanted that
happy family.
I did not want to have a childwhose parents were not married,
not divorced.
We already weren't married.
So I'm already one step in thatdirection.
(14:53):
A lot of people that do knowthat I had amazing parents say
why didn't you just call them?
Why didn't you just go to them?
Why didn't you just tell themhey, this is what's going on.
And a lot of times I know forme personally it was the most
embarrassing thing I could havepossibly done my parents who
said he's not worth anything,and I still went after him
(15:15):
anyway and then did not tellthat I was pregnant.
And I think to go up to themand say this is what's going on
would just be saying y'all wereright and I was wrong.
And at 17 years old, that wasthe last thing I wanted to do
was make my parents believe that, hey, y'all were right and I
made a mistake Absolutely.
I'm 36.
And I still, before I make abig decision, think okay, what
(15:38):
would my dad think about this?
I think we respect them so muchthat we don't want to let them
down, and that does hinder ussometimes.
There were times that I couldhave said something, but my
ex-husband had done so manythings proven that his threats
could be very real and I neveractually left him until I left
(16:01):
him.
I talked about it all the timebut I never actually did it
until I left him.
I may be one of the few thatactually did it on the first go,
but it was such a long timecoming.
It was such a buildup.
I was planning mentally thewhole time, but I waited until
he was gone and then made a moveand it definitely backfired.
I feel like too many people.
They just don't understand,especially the ones that are in
(16:26):
that situation currently or havebeen there.
They don't understand that theyhave got to have that support
system behind them too.
And you have to open up topeople, because if nobody knows
what's going on, nobody's goingto be able to help you get out
of it.
And that was a mistake I made.
I didn't have that supportsystem until I went knocking on
the door and saying today's theday we got to do this.
Do you mind if I ask?
Speaker 1 (16:46):
you all have two children.
Speaker 2 (16:48):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:49):
Yes, there was that first assault happened.
There was that first assaulthappened.
That was not the beginning ofthe end, right, okay.
Speaker 2 (16:56):
So I the abuse really picked up quickly because in
that same apartment we moved somuch, we were almost constantly
moving and so we weren't in thatapartment for very long.
But in that apartment it wentfrom being backhanded for the
first time to being knockedunconscious on the concrete
floor that we had.
(17:16):
It was a very quick turn ofevents, from him just being a
little rude and demeaning to allof a sudden being extremely
physical, and during that time Iexperienced a little bit of
nausea, a little bit of sickness, but I thought it's probably
just a bug, it's no big deal,and we ended up moving again.
(17:37):
So we were living out in themiddle of nowhere at this point
in time and my mom said you needto go to the doctor, there's
something going on.
And so I went to the doctorwith her I am now 18 years old
and the doctor says okay, you're24 weeks, like I already knew,
and I said oh, no, I'm notpregnant.
(17:57):
And she said you're 24 weeksalong and I ended up going into
premature labor.
So there was a very short spanin there where I had to register
that I am 18, about to have asecond child, before I actually
had that second child.
There was a lot of trying tofigure out how are we going to
afford two children.
I would take pennies to thegrocery store sometimes just to
(18:17):
make sure that my daughter hadthe food that she needed,
because my ex would worksporadically.
I did not work a lot, but I waspretty much the breadwinner.
So that goes to say a lot aboutthe kind of life that we were
living at that point in time.
And he definitely stoppedcaring about whether or not our
daughter was going to witnessany of the abuse that occurred.
(18:38):
And he ended up one night tyingme up to a kitchen chair.
I was completely naked and hetied me to a kitchen chair using
the cord of my straightener andstarted wailing on me and I
thought maybe we were done.
And next thing I know he hasdrugged me out to the front
porch and kicked me in thestomach several times and left
(18:59):
me there overnight.
So that was definitely one ofthose moments of I've got to get
out.
But I didn't actually know atthat point in time that I was
pregnant.
It wasn't until after that thatI realized that I was pregnant
and it wasn't until about sixmonths ago that epiphany
occurred to me that I finallyhad that kind of eyeopening
moment of when that abuseoccurred.
(19:20):
I was pregnant with my son, andso that was a hard thing for me
to overcome, even over a decadelater.
It's not an easy road foranybody.
I think you're always going tohave those memories, jump back
at you and remember things youdidn't even know that you'd
forgotten.
But I also think that's part ofthe healing 100%.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
I think that your body knows when you're being
proactive and in that healingprocess, and so your body will
start releasing those memories.
I know that it's happened withme that I'll have a memory of
something and think, oh gosh, ifI would have had this memory
six years ago, I'd have lost myshit.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Yeah, I wasn't ready for it.
Yes, I completely agree.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I hate that the kids witness this.
I'm such a believer ingenerational abuse.
You're teaching your daughterto put up with this from a man
Exactly.
You're teaching your daughterthat this is what she deserves
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
I agree.
So my daughter actually Ihaven't actually covered this on
my social media yet she wassexually abused by my ex-husband
when she was five years old andso she having to grow up
watching it happen to her momand then have it happen to her,
she has become the strongestperson that I know because she
(20:45):
has overcome it all.
She helped put him in prison.
She's almost 19 and she's doingeverything she can to help
people in the same typesituation.
So she is absolutely just alittle hero.
But and my son it was reallyhard with him because this
wasn't something that heremembered.
He was so much younger than herthat he couldn't seem to put
(21:08):
together that his biologicalfather was not the guy that he
thought that he was.
But I also wasn't going to sitthere and talk badly about him.
And so he was probably abouteight whenever he finally
realized that, when he hadn'tseen him since he was three.
But we didn't share all thedark stuff with them until he
was a little bit older, and thenhe didn't get all the really
(21:29):
dark stuff until he was about 13.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
The story that I came across that I would love for
you to touch on, because I feellike it's full of information,
of things that people don'trealize.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
But the story I think it was multiple parts- so this
was actually the night that Idecided I'm done, I'm leaving,
and I had called him before that, prior he had gone out of state
to work and I thought this isit, this is my chance.
I shouldn't have called him,but I picked up the phone and
just let him know hey, I'm notgoing to be here when you get
(22:02):
back.
So best of luck.
And he ended up driving backfrom two States away, driving
back to Texas, and showed up thenext day where I worked and
there was an altercation in theparking lot.
And then we go home andultimately, what happened was he
decided he was going to leaveme and he took the kids from me
(22:25):
and he had broken my cell phone,cut up my debit card, and so I
had no means to do anything atthat point in time, but I didn't
know if I needed to just jumpto go to my parents' house.
What do I do?
Because it was not normalbehavior for him.
He had never taken the kidsbefore, and so I'm thinking
(22:46):
he'll be back.
He's just going to drive downthe road, cool off.
He'll come back, because he hasdefinitely threatened to leave
before, and when he didn't comeback and didn't come back.
I stayed up all night long andthought surely any minute now.
And so the next morning, at thesoonest time I possibly could,
I went to my parents' house andI said, okay, he took the kids
and I think I know where theyare, but we have to go now.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Welcome to the process of healing.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Have you ever experienced trauma?
Are there negative thoughtsthat have more control over you
than you would like?
If so, know that you are notalone.
David and I, as well as so manyothers, have been right where
you are now.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
We all carry experiences that can leave a
scar, but know this, you don'thave to carry this burden alone
In the process of healing.
We'll help you navigate throughthe pain and find the strength
to reclaim your life.
We'll tackle everything fromunderstanding trauma, building
healthy coping mechanisms,hearing inspiring survivor
stories and get our personalizedthoughts on topics around
(23:50):
mental health and healing.
Healing is a journey, not adestination.
It's time to start the processof healing.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
And so my mom and I loaded up.
We drove an hour and a half.
I knew the apartment complexthat his sister had lived in,
but I could not remember whichapartment was actually hers.
And so I went to the manager'soffice and very much sweet
talked her, made it sound like Iwas just a silly girl who
forgot the apartment number.
But she has my kids and she wasjust babysitting and I've got
(24:23):
to pick them up so she can go towork.
And so she hinted the vicinityto me and I got the wrong door
twice and made people very angrythat I was beating on their
door so hard.
Finally got to hers, knew ithad to be hers, because here
comes the manager.
She is furious that I amknocking on all these doors.
She sees that obviously I'm notthere for the reason I said I
(24:43):
was there for, and his sisternever opened the door.
And then all of a sudden, copsshow up and he shows up.
This is fantastic.
This works out great for mebecause he took the kids from me
, so this will just be supereasy.
So he gets up the stairs, copscome and talk to us and
ultimately the decision was thatwe were married and so we
(25:06):
didn't have a custody agreementand it didn't matter that his
sister should have opened thatdoor and let me have those kids.
It did not matter that shedidn't have anything to do with
them.
He was now there and since hewas there and he was their dad,
there was nothing I could do toget them.
And so I'm walking down thesteps looking at my mom and I
(25:29):
said I'm going to freaking killhim.
And this other cop looked at meand said I want you to know
that my brother's wife is doingthe same thing to him right now.
She took the kids and moved outof state and now she won't let
him see them.
And I'm thinking this is whathe's doing to me.
Y'all are allowing him to dothis to me.
And I drove away without my kids.
I'm watching him as we'redriving away with just a shitty
(25:52):
grin on his face, like he'd won.
And at that moment I got themthat night, but it was the most
defeated I had felt through thatentire process.
He definitely took them becausehe knew it would hurt me and he
definitely kept them because heknew it would hurt me, and I
think that he really thoughtthat there might still be a
chance for us.
So he called me that afternoonand said I'll meet you if you
(26:14):
want to get them.
And so I met him, got the kidsand I played the part.
I told him I loved him, I toldhim it was fine, I gave him a
hug.
You go back to your sisters,though.
I'm going to my mom's, so justgo back to your sisters.
And the moment I drove away Icouldn't even breathe.
(26:40):
I thought did I really just dothat?
Did I really just get the kids?
And that was finite.
Like I knew at that point, Iwill never go back.
I did go back, but at thatpoint I thought I can never be
in this situation again.
I can never do this again.
So I don't know.
I guess he thought that therewas a glimmer of hope and that
if he did this good deed and letme have the kids, that maybe we
would still be together.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
So what led to the final goodbye?
Speaker 2 (27:00):
We actually were divorced in May of 2009.
So I left him in March and then, within 60 days, our divorce
was finalized and I thought,okay, that's it, I'm done.
From my teens I hadn't had thefun going out with my friends
(27:26):
and I didn't get to go to thebar when I turned 21.
There were so many things Ithought that I had missed out on
, but I thought, okay, I want todo something and have some fun.
And so I met some girls and westarted going out and having a
good time and we lived nearAustin, texas, at the time.
And so one night we went toSixth Street and one of my
friends happened to see myex-husband and, instead of just
(27:47):
walking the other direction, sheactually got him, brought him
to the club that we were at.
We're all drinking, we're allhaving a good time, and one
thing led to another.
And next thing, you know, Iwake up and he's in my apartment
with me.
I was already planning onmoving.
I was moving in a couple ofmonths, so I'm thinking, okay,
if he's going to stay here, thenI know, in a couple months I
(28:08):
can get him out then.
But it was almost like itwasn't a decision that I made to
go back.
It almost felt like I had justbeen caged in again, like I had
been hunted for so long.
And he finally got me again.
And I'm thinking how do I getout?
Because at that point, how do Itell my parents?
Hey, he just woke up in my bedand so I felt like I was once
(28:29):
again fighting this completelyalone, and so we ended up.
He stayed there for quite awhile and when it was time for
me to move to my new apartment,I got in and ended up making
some really good friends whodefinitely were protecting me,
who would sit outside of my doorall hours of the night to make
(28:51):
sure he didn't show up.
And he did come knock on thedoor on Father's Day of 2010.
And he knocked on my front doorand then came and knocked on
the window and the kids bothlooked at me and said Dad's here
, and my heart just dropped.
And here comes one of my reallybig guy who liked to look out
(29:13):
for me.
He walked around and he droveoff and that was the end of it,
never tried to come back aroundagain, and there were definitely
still interactions where hewould try to send me messages or
try to call me or try to makeme mad through a friend just
really childish behavior.
But I was already so done whenI left the first time and it
(29:33):
didn't feel like a decision tobe back with him.
So I think it was almost likejust planning a prison escape
that second time of okay, how doI just get the ducks in the
road to just get out again andstay out for good?
Speaker 1 (29:48):
When your friend went and got him and brought him
into the bar facility that youwere at, did she have ill intent
with that?
Did she think that she wasdoing something?
Speaker 2 (29:58):
good.
She was actually one of thefriends who I had already told
and did not believe me.
So she thought my ex-husbandwas very attractive, and so
that's all she ever talked aboutwas how hot he was.
If I'm being real honest, Ithink that she brought him for
her own benefit and it backfiredin her face.
I think she was trying to makeme mad by bringing him and
having him dance with her, andthat's not what he wanted, and
(30:19):
so I think it was ill-intended,but not in the way that it ended
up being.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
When the kids were saying Daddy's here was there
fear of Daddy being there.
Speaker 2 (30:35):
My son always tried to feed off of our emotions and
he would always look at hissister, so he would look at her
to see how is she reacting, whatis her face telling me?
He was very excited at first,and then he saw that she was not
happy and so he quickly turnedand then was he was like three
or four at the time and was likego away, daddy, go away, daddy,
(30:57):
just trying to.
He had no idea what was goingon.
He was just trying to vibe offeverybody else.
But yeah, my daughterdefinitely, and at that time it
was shortly after that that Ifound out about her sexual abuse
.
It had been going on during thevery few times that he would
actually have visitations withthe kids and it was shortly
after that that I found outabout that.
(31:17):
So that was the last time thatthey ever saw him was father's
day of 2010.
Speaker 1 (31:21):
Sometimes you just have to read and process things.
Did your son go through anyabuse on his end other than, of
course, witnessing and verbal?
Speaker 2 (31:33):
He remembers one thing about the entire situation
and that is that daddy threwyour papers in the sink.
I went to cosmetology schooland was putting together a
lookbook and he did.
He had ripped the pages out andthrew them in the sink and
turned the water on.
That is the only thing that myson remembers from that entire
situation.
But I could almost guaranteethat he was sexually abused as
(31:58):
well.
Just, he's almost 18 now, butthroughout his life there has
been a lot of anger.
There's been a lot of.
We've had lots of counselingwith both the kids but him
especially, with anger andoutbursts and he's ADHD.
But there was questions ofwhether or not maybe he was
bordering bipolar, just becausehe did not know why he was so
mad.
He just knew that he was.
(32:18):
And there was lots of things ashe would get older and would
hit puberty that I thought he Ireally, truly believe that he
was sexually abused.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
He just doesn't remember it did I hear you
correctly that he's in prison?
What led to that?
Speaker 2 (32:37):
because that is not where.
I realized the story was goingso actually finding out what had
happened to my daughter was awhole thing on its own, because
he told her that if she evertold me that they would take her
away from me, whoever they was,but they would take her away
from me and she would never seeme again.
And so my parents actuallylived in Ecuador at the time and
(33:02):
they had flown in and they werestaying with us, and she told
my mom that this is what'shappened to me.
So my mom asked my daughterdoes your mother know?
And she said yes, because shethought if I tell her mom, no,
she won't tell mom and thennobody will take me away from
her.
And so I get a phone call frommy mom wondering why I know this
(33:23):
and have done nothing about it.
And it was just this wholeconversation with her trying to
figure out what she's actuallytelling me, trying to process
this as she's trying to processwhat she's heard.
That same afternoon we hadmultiple cops and detectives
over at the house.
They were asking questions, andso she had a forensic interview
(33:44):
, and the only thing we told herwas you just need to tell them
the truth about what happened.
Of course they're wearingstreet clothes.
They don't look like cops inthis interview.
And she's five years old and itdoes make me giggle now.
But we walked out to the pickupand she climbs in.
She had not said a word, shedidn't open up at all, but she
gets to the pickup and goes.
I sure wish a cop would ask mewhat happened.
And I thought, oh baby, thatwas the cops.
(34:08):
She opened up to her counselorand then all of a sudden,
counselors, family members, sixor she's gone and she was our
next hope to get it pushedforward, to get it taken care of
.
And honestly, at that point Ijust kept looking at my daughter
thinking I'm just forcing youto go talk to people to relive
this over and over, just so wecan get some justice, and I
(34:28):
can't keep doing that.
Had her in counseling, didn'tcare if they talked about it or
not, just wanted her to getbetter and we just let it go.
We forgot about it and I guessshe was 10.
She just came up to me onenight.
I'm probably going to getemotional here.
She came up to me one night andsaid I just feel like my
heart's been locked up in jailand I want to tell somebody.
(34:52):
And I said okay.
So I took her to counseling andshe opened up and said this is
what's been on my mind and thisis what happened and this is
what's going on.
And it started a process there.
But it was fighting that I hadalready remarried at this point
in time and we were trying torevoke my ex-husband's rights
(35:12):
from the kids, and so we weregoing through that and then
trying to deal with what shejust opened up with again and
ended up.
My ex-husband had the option ofyou can either pay the $40,000
in back child support or signover your rights, and so he
selected to sign over his rights, and so my husband adopted my
children and then, shortly afterthat, we got another phone call
(35:36):
saying, okay, there's beensomebody else that has spoken up
and said that he's donesomething to them.
And this wasn't the first I'dheard of this, because while we
were married and I didn'tbelieve it at the time, but
while we were married we hadgone out one night, left our
friends.
We had a bad altercation in theparking lot, so he didn't want
his friends to see me with ablack eye and a bloody nose, so
(35:58):
we left them.
Their 12-year-old twin daughterswere babysitting our kids and I
wasn't allowed to go in thehouse to get the kids.
He was in for a lot longer thanhe should have.
And then all of a sudden Iheard that he'd done things to
those girls but nothing evercame of it.
And so I thought surely not,surely he's not that guy.
It was a pattern that I hadheard of, ignored, didn't
(36:18):
believe, and then all of asudden, saw firsthand and saw it
just getting out of control.
And the moment my daughterrealized that there's somebody
else involved in this too, shesaid I don't care, I'm taking
the stand.
She was 10 years old and shewas ready to go.
She got up and she testifiedand he got a 40 year sentence.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Yeah, and this was what year.
Speaker 2 (36:36):
This was in 2016.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
Oh wow.
In 40 years, Do you and yourdaughter feel that justice has
been served?
Speaker 2 (36:45):
I thought I did Some days I do Some days I think he's
where he should be, but thenother days I think he's still
alive and I know that's so wrong, but I just feel like he has
hurt so many people Through thisprocess.
We've learned of so manydifferent women that he has
abused after me and so manypeople that he has hurt and he's
(37:07):
still breathing air and it'sjust so frustrating sometimes.
And then the fear kind of setsin of what if he gets parole or
what if he gets out early, and Idon't think that's ever going
to go away until I know thathe's underground.
But for the most part the factthat he's not walking around
freely for right now it's thebest justice we can have.
Speaker 1 (37:27):
You said your 10-year-old daughter saying her
heart felt like it had been injail.
It hurts to hear an adult saythat and the fact that a
10-year-old child knows how toput those words together.
Speaker 2 (37:45):
Yeah, as I'm painting her toenails, she's sitting in
the living room and just all ofa sudden comes out with that and
I'm thinking, okay, what do weneed to do?
As I'm internally freaking out,trying to keep my composure,
because she's ready.
She's so strong and she alwayshas been.
She got me through my marriagebecause, even though she
(38:06):
shouldn't have been seeing anyof it or hearing a thing, she
was always running up to me,squeezing me tight.
In just her own little way sheprotected me and I hate that she
had to play that role, but shedid, and she is the complete
opposite of what you would thinkshe would have grown up to be.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
It's just amazing watching her, yeah you're a good
mom and you are a strong womanand you put your kids first, and
even at the age when you were ababy, having a baby, for her to
be at 10 years old, to be so intouch times like this is when I
believe the whole like old soulkind of thing, like you've been
(38:48):
here before.
She was your daughter for areason.
You know what I mean.
That's where my mind goes withstories like this Absolutely,
you're taught to in order to bea man.
You don't cry, you shuteverything down.
You, if you're mad, you sitdown and shut up and you're and
drink a beer about it, or youand your buddy go out and fist
(39:10):
fight about it, and that's whatleads to the downfall of your
mental health.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Within the last few years.
He has always been somebodythat you just have to know how
to talk to, because a lot ofkids, discipline works.
But you got to find the rightdiscipline and with him it was
always the super calm.
I'm at your level and I'm goingto talk to you lovingly and
tell you this is what you didand there are consequences.
(39:40):
But you could not be super firmwith him Because if you did, he
would go off the rails and hehas definitely come a very long
way.
But it has taken me a very longtime to try to figure out how to
help him not become anarcissist, because what he saw
(40:02):
and because he felt like hecouldn't express anything, and
so I'm huge on if you need tocry, you cry.
If you need to yell, you yell.
Both of my kids are still athome right now.
They're 17 and 18 and they areat each other's throats
constantly.
But I always tell them vent tome.
If you want to talk bad aboutyour sister, talk bad about your
(40:22):
sister.
I will hear it because you needto get it off your chest.
But don't ask me to fix it.
I'm not going to fix it, but Iwill listen to it and I think
it's helped him a lot to let goof some stuff, to feel like he
can have feelings and he canfeel a certain way.
But there is still I thinkthere's always going to be that
lingering fear of is he evergoing to get pushed to where he
(40:44):
crosses the line just because ofwhat he has been exposed to?
Speaker 1 (40:48):
What terrifies me just in general is when people
do not believe in mental health.
Even on my best days I still gosee my therapist.
Speaker 2 (41:01):
I agree with that completely.
Too many people don't thinkmental health is important or
necessary or that they can do iton their own.
And I think that's one of thebiggest mistakes is trying to
get through anything.
Even if you have no real traumain your life you just might've
had a bad day.
You don't need to try to getthrough anything on your own
because it just keeps piling up.
Speaker 1 (41:22):
Absolutely own, because it just keeps piling up.
Yeah, absolutely.
And so I'm so glad that you,from the beginning, it doesn't
seem that you ever had anyreservations on therapy and
having the kids be active andmaking that mental awareness a
topic in your home.
What an important conversationto have.
Speaker 2 (41:42):
Exactly.
It was such a life alteringthing to go through that you
will never be the same personthat you were before, and that's
okay as long as you have theresources, and I think that's.
People need to see that side ofit.
They need to see that it wasugly and it was bad.
You can get through it withoutforgetting about it, because
(42:02):
it's probably not ever going tobe over, but it's going to be
better.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
Yeah, I tell people all the time I don't think that
it is ever over and I know thatsounds so scary, but I think in
these situations is we learn tocope with it.
I know when I'm having a momentand I'll allow myself the time
(42:26):
to explore that.
I have learned how to cope andmanage and I've learned how to
give myself permission and to bekind to myself.
Speaker 2 (42:38):
Yes, and that's so important.
You have to be able to forgiveyourself if you feel like you
need to be forgiven, but youalso have to be able to realize
that not everything is yourfault, and I think you are
showing so many people that itis okay to still think about
things, but it's what you dowith the rest of your day that
matters the most.
Speaker 1 (42:59):
Yeah, absolutely so.
We've had such an emotionalrollercoaster of a ride.
But let's talk about somethingpositive for a minute.
As we start closing out, you'rebuilding such a good, powerful
(43:19):
community and platform on TikTok, so I guess this will be a
two-part question A did youthink this was going to happen?
And B what are you going to dowith it now?
What are your goals with it?
Speaker 2 (43:35):
Okay.
So I really thought I'm goingto put a video up and it might
get 20 likes, maybe 200 views.
I think that very first day thefirst video had 15,000 views.
And I'm thinking what is goingon?
People actually want to hearabout this stuff.
And so then my, my next thoughtwas I bet the comments are
probably going to be all ugly oryou know how social media can
(43:59):
be and surprisingly, it was theexact opposite.
It was people reaching out,asking for help or asking
questions or saying I've beenthere, or just giving sympathy,
and so I thought, okay, I'll doanother one.
And then it did the same thing.
Never did I dream that it wouldpick up this traction.
I did not think it was going togo anywhere.
(44:20):
I was a little embarrassed tostart doing it because I thought
I know eventually the peoplethat I know are going to see it,
and this is something that I donot have any secrets about.
I will speak on any part of it.
But I also don't just walkaround and tell people hi, I'm
Trish and I was abused.
So there's still several peoplewho are not close enough to me
(44:40):
that don't know my story, and sothere was a lot of wanting to
hide in a corner and just notlet anybody see me for a while,
and then I think the good justreally showed itself really
quickly.
Honestly, I really want to getto the point where I can travel
and start talking to youngerkids girls, boys, it doesn't
matter.
I think that's another thingthat needs to be so pointed out
(45:03):
is domestic violence almostalways is looked at as the
woman's being abused, andwhether it's a heterosexual,
homosexual, it doesn't matterwhat kind of relationship it is.
But if it's a man and a womanmarried, that woman can still be
the man.
A man can still be abused by awoman, and there's just so many
misconceptions to what domesticviolence actually is and how it
(45:24):
takes place, and I just wantpeople to be more aware, more
the outsiders, more the peoplewho've never been involved who
ask those questions that justhit a nerve and make you want to
scream in their face.
I want them to have a betterunderstanding, because if they
can understand better, then theycan help people in that
situation.
The people in the situationneed that support more than they
(45:45):
need anything.
Speaker 1 (45:47):
Have you thought about writing a book or anything
?
Speaker 2 (45:51):
So I'm actually in the middle of writing a book.
I started about two years agoand then I just completely
stopped dead in my tracks abouta year ago and my daughter has
been on my case about it.
So I'm hoping within maybe thenext six months I'll have it
finished.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
Trish, you inspire me and I watch your videos and
you're so beautiful, you're sowell-spoken, you're doing the
hard things and I'm so glad thatour paths crossed and that one
day I'm going to turn on the TVand you're going to be in Times
Square like promoting yourbestselling book, and I'll be
(46:28):
like, oh, I was her very firstpodcast.
Very first Tell all of us,where we can follow you on
TikTok and any message thatmaybe you want to throw out to
the listeners.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
So you can find me on TikTok at in the mind of me and
I think the most importantthing is, if you watch the
videos, first and foremost, knowthat it is for me trying to
help other people.
I hate so much when people feelsorry for me or have so much
sympathy for me because I'm okay, I have moved past it and I'm
(47:07):
okay.
So I want to work with otherpeople to get everybody else
where I'm at and where you're attoday.
And I think the most importantthing is have an open mind, do
not assume about any situationand if you think that somebody
might be going through something, then start asking the right
questions and get some help.
Just don't let people suffer insilence.
Speaker 1 (47:28):
I want to extend my deepest gratitude to our
incredible guests for sharingtheir transformative journey
with us today.
Join us next week as we diveinto the healing process and
share more incredible stories oftriumph and resilience.
Now I'm back and I'll pray foryou.
(47:51):
I'm done hurting.
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